Hmm...
It's...
Monty python's flying circus.
Speaking as a public opinion poll
I've had enough of the permissive society.
I haven't had enough of the permissive society.
I would not appear in a frontal nude scene unless it was valid.
In 1943, a group of british army officers
Working deep behind enemy lines
Carried out one of the most dangerous and heroic raids
In the history of warfare.
But that's as may be.
And now...
Come in.
What do you want?
I'd like to leave the army, please, sir.
Good heavens, man, why?
It's dangerous.
What?
There are people with guns
Out there, sir.
What?
Real guns, sir, not toy ones, sir.
Proper ones, sir.
They've all got 'em, all of 'em, sir.
And some of 'em
Have got tanks.
Watkins, they are on our side.
And grenades, sir, and machine guns, sir.
So I'd like to leave, sir, before I get killed, please.
Watkins, you've only been in the army a day.
I know, sir, but people get killed, properly dead, sir
No barley, cross fingers, sir.
A bloke was telling me
If you're in the army and there's a war
You have to go and fight.
That's true.
Well, I mean... blimey
I mean, if it was a big war
Somebody could be hurt.
Watkins, why did you join the army?
For the water-skiing and for the travel, sir.
And not for the killing, sir.
I asked them to put it
On my form, sir-- "no killing."
Watkins, are you a pacifist?
No, sir, I'm not a pacifist, sir, I'm a coward.
That's a very silly line.
Sit down.
Yes, sir, it's silly, sir.
Awfully bad.
Two civilian gentlemen to see you, sir!
Show them in, please, sergeant.
Mr. dino vercotti and mr. luigi vercotti!
Good morning, colonel.
Good morning, gentlemen.
Now, what can i do for you?
You've, uh...
You've got a nice
Army base here, colonel.
Yes.
We wouldn't want anything to happen to it.
What?
Oh, no, what my brother means
Is it would be a shame if, uh...
Oh, sorry, colonel.
Well, don't worry about that, but please do sit down.
No, we prefer to stand, thank you, colonel.
All right, but what do you want?
Oh, what do we want?
Very good, colonel.
Always the joker, luigi.
Explain it to the colonel, dino.
How many tanks you got, colonel?
About 500 altogether.
500, eh?
You ought to be careful, colonel.
We are careful, extremely careful.
'cause things break, don't they?
Break?
Well, everything breaks, don't it, colonel?
Oh, dear.
Oh, see, my brother's clumsy, colonel
And when he gets unhappy he breaks things.
Like, say he don't feel
The army's playing fair by him
He may start breaking things, colonel.
What is all this about?
How many men you got here, colonel?
Oh, uh... 7,000 infantry, 600 artillery
And, uh... two divisions of paratroops.
Paratroops, dino.
It'd be a shame
If someone was to set fire to them.
Set fire to them?
Fires happen, colonel.
Things burn.
Look, what is all this about?
My brother and i have got
A little proposition for you, colonel.
Could save you a lot of bother.
You're doing all right here
Aren't you, colonel?
Well, suppose
Some of your tanks was to get broken
Or troops started getting lost, uh...
Fights started breaking out
During general inspection, like?
It wouldn't be good for business
Would it, colonel?
Are you threatening me?
Oh, no, no, no.
Whatever made you think that, colonel?
The colonel doesn't think
We're nice people, luigi.
We're your buddies, colonel.
We want to look after you.
Look after me?
We can guarantee you
That not a single armored division
Will get done over...
For 15 bob a week.
No, no... 12 and six?
No, no... eight and six?
No, no... five bob?
No, no, this is silly.
What's silly?
No, the whole premise is silly
And it's very badly written.
I'm the senior officer here
And I haven't had a funny line yet
So I'm stopping it.
You can't do that!
I've done it. the sketch is over.
I want to leave the army
Please, sir, it's dangerous.
Look, I stopped your sketch
Five minutes ago, so get out of shot.
Right, director!
Close up.
Zoom in on me.
That's better.
It's only 'cause you couldn't think of a punch line.
Not true, not true.
It's time for the cartoon.
Cue telecine-- ten, nine, eight...
Our general public's not going to understand this, are they?
Shut up, you eyeties!
Ooh, what the devil's going on here?
Hey! hey, what's going...
What's happening here?
Hey, wait a minute.
Hey, oh, hey, stop that!
Well, ladies and gents
Here it is, the show you've been wanking for
The show you've heard so much about.
This is the show that gives you what you want
The way you like it.
So move right up front for "full frontal nudity."
Excuse me...
Will you sit down!
I'm sorry.
A cold ice cream, sweetie?
Sit down!
The owner of the vehicle with this license registration
Will please move it; it's causing an obstruction.
Wasn't that just great, ladies and germs?
Admittedly, a few problems, a few disappointments...
Shut up, you pansy.
I paid for full frontal nudity
And I'm going to get some.
Ta ta, sailor.
Full frontal nudity? never.
What do you think, barbara?
Oh, no, no, no...
Unless it was artistically valid, of course.
Full frontal nudity?
Yes, I'd do it, if it was valid.
Or if the money was valid, and if it were a small part.
Good evening.
I'd like to talk to you tonight
About the place of the nude in my bed...
Um...
In the history of my bed...
Of art... art-- I'm sorry.
The place of the nude in the history of tart...
Call-girl-- I'm sorry.
I'll start again.
Bum-- oh, what a giveaway!
The place of the nude in art.
Oh, hello there, father, uh... confessor, professor
Your honor, your grace...
I'm not your grace, I'm your elsie.
What a terrible joke!
But it's my only line!
We want to buy a bed, please.
Oh, certainly.
I'll get someone to attend to you.
Mr. verity!
Can I help you, sir?
Ah, yes, we'd like to buy a bed...
A double bed, about £50.
Oh, no, I am afraid not, sir.
Our cheapest bed is £800, sir.
Eight hundred pounds!
Oh, uh... perhaps I should have explained.
Mr. verity does tend to exaggerate
So every figure he gives you will be ten times too high.
Otherwise he's perfectly all right, perfectly.
Oh, I see.
I see-- so your cheapest bed is £80?
£800, yes, sir.
And how wide is it?
Uh... the width is, uh... 60 feet wide.
Oh... six foot wide, eh?
And the length?
The length is, um...
Lambert?
Hmm?
What is the length of the comfydown majorette?
Uh... two foot long.
Two foot long?
Ah, yes, you have to remember, of course
To multiply everything mr. lambert says by three.
Uh... it's nothing he can help, you understand.
Apart from that he's perfectly all right.
I see, I'm sorry.
But it does mean
That when he says a bed is two foot wide
It is, in fact, 60 feet wide.
Oh, yes, I see...
And that's not counting the mattress.
Oh, how much is that?
Lambert will be able to help you there.
Lambert?
Hmm?
Will you show these 20 good people
The, uh... dog kennel please?
Certainly.
Dog kennel? no, no, no.
Mattresses, mattresses.
Oh, no, no, you have to say
"dog kennel" to mr. lambert
Because if you say "mattress," he puts a bag over his head.
I should have explained.
Apart from that he's really all right.
Uh... um, uh, we'd like to see the dog kennels, please.
Dog kennels?
Yes, we want to see the dog kennels.
Ah, yes, well, that's the pets department, second floor.
Oh, no, no, we want to see the dog kennels.
Yes, pets department, second floor.
No, no, no, we don't really want to see dog kennels
Only your colleague said we ought to...
Oh, dear, what's he been telling you now?
Well, he said we should say
"dog kennels" to you instead of "mattress."
Oh, dear, hello, hello?
Did you say "mattress"?
Well, a little, yes.
I did ask you not to say "mattress," didn't i?
Now I've got to stand in the tea chest.
And did those feet in ancient times
Walk upon england's mountains green...
Did somebody say "mattress" to mr. lambert?
And was the holy lamb of god
On england's pleasant...
He should be all right now.
But don't... you know, just don't.
Oh, no, no, no.
Uh...
We'd like to see the dog kennels, please.
Yes, second floor.
No, no, look, these dog kennels here, see?
Mattresses?
Oh, yes!
Well, if you meant mattress, why didn't you say "mattress"?
I mean, it's very confusing for me
If you go and say "dog kennels" when you mean "mattress."
Why not just say "mattress"?
Well, I mean you put a bag over your head
Last time I said "mattress."
Bring me my bow of burning gold
Bring me my arrows of desire
Bring me my spear...
Did somebody say "mattress" to mr. lambert?
Twice.
Hey, everybody
Somebody said "mattress" to mr. lambert twice!
I shall not cease from mental strife
Nor shall my sword sleep in my hand...
We need more!
On england's green and pleasant...
Now, uh... can I help you?
We want a mattress.
Oh, what did you say that for?
But it's my only line!
Well, you didn't have to say it.
Full frontal nudity?
Not in this part of esher.
I would only perform a scene
In which there was total frontal nudity.
Now, I've noticed a tendency
For this program to get rather silly.
Now, I do my best to keep things moving along
But I'm not having things getting silly.
Those last two sketches I did got very silly indeed
And that last one about the bed was even sillier.
Now, nobody likes a good laugh more than I do
Except perhaps my wife... and some of her friends.
Oh, yes, and captain johnson.
Come to think of it
Most people like a good laugh more than I do
But that's beside the point.
Now, let's have a good, clean, healthy outdoor sketch.
Get some air into your lungs.
Ten, nine, eight and all that.
ah, yes, that's better.
now, let's hope this doesn't get silly.
Hello, are you a hermit by any chance?
Yes, that's right.
Are you a hermit?
Yes, I certainly am.
Well, I never.
What are you getting away from?
Oh, you know, the usual--
People, chat, gossip, you know.
Oh, I certainly do; it was the same with me.
I mean, there comes a time when you realize there's no good
Frittering your life away
In idleness and trivial chitchat.
Where's your cave?
Oh, up the goat track, first on the left.
Oh, they're very nice up there, aren't they?
Yes, they are, I've got a beauty.
A bit drafty, though, aren't they?
No, we've had ours insulated.
Oh, yes?
Yes, I used birds' nests, moss
And oak leaves round the outside.
Oh, sounds marvelous.
Oh, it's a treat, it really is
'cause otherwise, those stone caves can be so grim.
Yes, they really can be, can't they?
They really can.
Morning, frank.
Uh, morning, norman.
Talking of moss, uh, you know mr. robinson?
With the, uh, green loincloth?
Uh, no, that's mr. seagrave.
Mr. robinson's the hermit
Who lodges with mr. seagrave.
Oh, yes.
Yes, well, he's put me onto wattles.
Really?
Yes. swears by them.
Morning, frank.
Morning, lionel.
Well, he says that moss tends to fall off the cave wall
During cold weather.
You know, you might get a really bad spell
And half the moss drops off the cave wall
Leaving you cold.
Oh, well, mr. robinson's cave
Has never been exactly nirvana, has it?
Well, quite, that's what I mean.
Anyway, mr. rogers, he's the, uh, hermit...
On the end.
Up at the top, yes.
Well, he tried wattles
And he came out in a rash.
Really?
Yes, and there's me with half a wall wattled.
I mean, what'll I do?
Well, why don't you try birds' nests
Like I've done?
Or else dead bracken.
Frank!
Yes, han.
Can I borrow your goat?
Uh, yes, that'll be all right.
Oh, leave me a pint for breakfast, will you?
You know, that's the trouble
With living halfway up a cliff--
You feel so cut off.
You know, it takes me two hours every morning
To get out onto the moors
Collect my berries, chastise myself
And two hours back in the evening.
Still, there's one thing about being a hermit--
At least you meet people.
Oh, yes, i wouldn't go back
To public relations.
Oh, well, bye for now, frank. must toddle.
Right, you two hermits
Stop that sketch.
I think it's silly.
Go on, stop it, it's silly.
What do you mean? you can't stop it; it's on film.
That doesn't make any difference
To the viewer at home, does it?
Go on, get out.
Get off, go on, all of you.
Go on, move, move!
Go on, get out.
move, move.
Move, move!
Hello, I wish to register a complaint.
Hello? miss?
What do you mean "miss"?
Oh, I'm sorry, I have a cold.
I wish to make a complaint.
Sorry, we're closing for lunch.
Never mind that, my lad
I wish to complain
About this parrot what I purchased
Not half an hour ago from this very boutique.
Oh, yes, the norwegian blue. what's wrong with it?
I'll tell you what's wrong with it.
It's dead, that's what's wrong with it.
No, no, it's resting, look.
Look, my lad, I know a dead parrot when I see one
And I'm looking at one right now.
No, no, sir, it's not dead, it's resting.
Resting?
Yeah, remarkable bird, the norwegian blue
Beautiful plumage, isn't it?
The plumage don't enter into it-- it's stone dead.
No, no, it's resting.
All right, then, if it's resting, I'll wake it up.
Hello, polly!
I've got a nice cuttlefish for you when you wake up
Polly parrot!
There, it moved.
No, it didn't.
That was you pushing the cage.
I did not!
Yes, you did.
Hello, polly!
Polly!
Polly parrot, wake up!
Polly!
Now, that's what I call a dead parrot.
No, no, it's stunned.
Look, my lad, I've had
Just about enough of this.
That parrot is definitely deceased.
And when I bought it not half an hour ago
You assured me that its lack of movement
Was due to it being tired and shagged out after a long squawk.
Well, sir...
It's probably pining for the fjords.
"pining for the fjords"?
What kind of talk is that?
Look, why did it fall flat on its back
The moment I got it home?
The norwegian blue prefers kipping on its back.
It's a beautiful bird, lovely plumage.
Look, I took the liberty of examining that parrot
And I discovered that the only reason
That it had been sitting on its perch in the first place
Was that it had been nailed there.
Well, of course it was nailed there.
Otherwise it would muscle up to those bars and... voom!
Look, matey...
This parrot wouldn't voom
If I put 4,000 volts through it.
It's bleeding demised.
It's not, it's pining.
It's not pining, it's passed on.
This parrot is no more.
It has ceased to be.
It's expired and gone to meet its maker.
This is a late parrot.
It's a stiff.
Bereft of life, it rests in peace.
If you hadn't nailed it to the perch
It would be pushing up the daisies.
It's rung down the curtain and joined the choir invisible.
This is an ex-parrot.
Well, I'd better replace it, then.
If you want to get anything done in this country
You've got to complain till you're blue in the mouth.
Sorry, guv, we're right out of parrots.
I see, I see, I get the picture.
I've got a slug.
Does it talk?
Not really, no.
Well, it's scarcely a replacement, then, is it?
Listen, I'll tell you what, tell you what
If you go to my brother's pet shop in bolton
He'll replace your parrot for you.
Bolton, eh?
Yeah.
All right.
Uh, excuse me.
This is bolton, is it?
No, no, it's, uh, ipswich.
That's inter-city rail for you.
I wish to make a complaint.
I don't have to do this, you know.
I beg your pardon?
I'm a qualified brain surgeon.
I only do this because I like being me own boss.
Uh, excuse me, this is irrelevant, isn't it?
Oh, yeah, it's not easy
To pad these out to 30 minutes.
Well, I wish to make a complaint.
I got on the bolton train
And found myself deposited here in ipswich.
No, this is bolton.
The pet shop owner's brother was lying.
Well, you can't blame british rail for that.
If this is bolton
I shall return to the pet shop.
I understand that this is bolton.
Yeah.
Well, you told me it was ipswich.
It was a pun.
A pun?
No, no, not a pun, no.
What's the other thing which reads the same backwards
As forwards?
A palindrome?
Yeah, yeah.
It's not a palindrome.
The palindrome of bolton would be "notlob."
It don't work.
Look, what do you want?
No, I'm sorry.
I'm not prepared to pursue my line of inquiry any further
As I think this is getting too silly.
Quite agree, quite agree.
Silly, silly, silly.
Right, get on with it.
Get on with it!
Oh... uh... oh, I'm sorry.
Uh... and now, um...
Frontal nudity.
Oh, oh, I'm sorry, I thought the film was longer.
Uh... uh, now, notlob... uh, bolton.
This is a frightened city.
Over these houses, over these streets hangs a pall of fear
Fear of a new kind of violence which is terrorizing the city.
Yes, gangs of old ladies
Attacking defenseless, fit young men.
Take that!
Well, they come up to you, like, and push you, you know
Shove you off the pavement, like.
There's usually four or five of them.
Yeah, this... this used to be a nice neighborhood
Before the old ladies started moving in.
Nowadays some of us daren't even go down to the shops.
Well, mr. johnson's son kevin, he don't go out anymore.
He comes back from wrestling and locks himself in his room.
What are they in it for
These old hoodlums, these layabouts in lace?
Well, it... it's something to do, isn't it?
It's good fun.
It's... it's like, uh... you know...
Well, isn't it, eh?
Favorite targets for the old ladies are telephone kiosks.
Well, come on, come on, off with you.
Clear out, come on, get out of it.
We have a lot of trouble with these oldies.
Pension day's the worst-- they go mad.
As soon as they get their hands on their money
They blow it all on milk, bread, tea, tin of meat for the cat.
Well, yes, well, of course, come the 2:00 matinee
All the old bags are in there
Especially if it's something like the sound of music.
We get seats ripped up, hearing aids broken
All that sort of thing.
The whole problem of these senile delinquents
Lies in their complete rejection
Of the values of contemporary society.
They've seen their children grow up and become accountants
Stockbrokers and even sociologists
And they begin to wonder, is it all really...
Oh, well, we sometimes feel we're to blame in some way
For what our gran's become.
I mean, she used to be quite happy here
Until she... she started on the crochet.
Crochet?
Yeah, now she can't do without it.
20 balls of wool a day, sometimes.
If she can't get the wool, she gets violent.
What can we do about it?
But this is not just an old ladies' town.
There are other equally dangerous gangs
Such as the baby snatchers.
I just left my husband outside here
While I went in to do some shopping
And I came back and he was gone.
He was only 47.
And on the roads, too, vicious gangs of "keep left" signs.
Right, right, stop it.
This film's got silly.
Started off with a nice little idea
About grannies attacking young men
But now it's got silly.
This man's hair is too long for a vicar, too.
These signs are pretty badly made.
Right, now for a complete change of mood.
I've heard of unisex but I've never had it.
David hemmings appeared
By permission of the national forestry commission.