1 00:00:06,640 --> 00:00:08,108 Hmm... 2 00:00:08,742 --> 00:00:10,010 Hmm... 3 00:00:28,629 --> 00:00:30,197 It's... 4 00:00:30,264 --> 00:00:34,201 Monty python's flying circus. 5 00:01:06,667 --> 00:01:08,302 Speaking as a public opinion poll 6 00:01:08,368 --> 00:01:10,470 I've had enough of the permissive society. 7 00:01:10,604 --> 00:01:13,006 I haven't had enough of the permissive society. 8 00:01:16,810 --> 00:01:19,947 I would not appear in a frontal nude scene unless it was valid. 9 00:01:20,013 --> 00:01:22,983 In 1943, a group of british army officers 10 00:01:23,016 --> 00:01:24,952 Working deep behind enemy lines 11 00:01:24,985 --> 00:01:27,888 Carried out one of the most dangerous and heroic raids 12 00:01:27,921 --> 00:01:29,089 In the history of warfare. 13 00:01:30,757 --> 00:01:33,227 But that's as may be. 14 00:01:33,260 --> 00:01:34,595 And now... 15 00:01:37,898 --> 00:01:38,899 Come in. 16 00:01:42,402 --> 00:01:43,470 What do you want? 17 00:01:43,537 --> 00:01:45,506 I'd like to leave the army, please, sir. 18 00:01:45,639 --> 00:01:46,807 Good heavens, man, why? 19 00:01:46,874 --> 00:01:47,975 It's dangerous. 20 00:01:48,041 --> 00:01:49,009 What? 21 00:01:49,042 --> 00:01:50,344 There are people with guns 22 00:01:50,377 --> 00:01:51,144 Out there, sir. 23 00:01:51,178 --> 00:01:52,212 What? 24 00:01:52,279 --> 00:01:53,847 Real guns, sir, not toy ones, sir. 25 00:01:53,914 --> 00:01:55,048 Proper ones, sir. 26 00:01:55,115 --> 00:01:56,917 They've all got 'em, all of 'em, sir. 27 00:01:56,950 --> 00:01:58,018 And some of 'em 28 00:01:58,085 --> 00:01:59,019 Have got tanks. 29 00:01:59,052 --> 00:02:01,054 Watkins, they are on our side. 30 00:02:01,121 --> 00:02:02,589 And grenades, sir, and machine guns, sir. 31 00:02:02,623 --> 00:02:04,658 So I'd like to leave, sir, before I get killed, please. 32 00:02:06,326 --> 00:02:08,295 Watkins, you've only been in the army a day. 33 00:02:08,362 --> 00:02:11,398 I know, sir, but people get killed, properly dead, sir 34 00:02:11,465 --> 00:02:13,133 No barley, cross fingers, sir. 35 00:02:14,868 --> 00:02:16,003 A bloke was telling me 36 00:02:16,069 --> 00:02:18,238 If you're in the army and there's a war 37 00:02:18,305 --> 00:02:19,706 You have to go and fight. 38 00:02:19,740 --> 00:02:21,708 That's true. 39 00:02:21,775 --> 00:02:23,043 Well, I mean... blimey 40 00:02:23,076 --> 00:02:24,611 I mean, if it was a big war 41 00:02:24,678 --> 00:02:26,613 Somebody could be hurt. 42 00:02:26,647 --> 00:02:29,716 Watkins, why did you join the army? 43 00:02:29,783 --> 00:02:31,852 For the water-skiing and for the travel, sir. 44 00:02:32,986 --> 00:02:34,855 And not for the killing, sir. 45 00:02:34,888 --> 00:02:35,856 I asked them to put it 46 00:02:35,923 --> 00:02:37,391 On my form, sir-- "no killing." 47 00:02:37,424 --> 00:02:40,194 Watkins, are you a pacifist? 48 00:02:40,227 --> 00:02:42,462 No, sir, I'm not a pacifist, sir, I'm a coward. 49 00:02:43,664 --> 00:02:45,032 That's a very silly line. 50 00:02:45,065 --> 00:02:45,999 Sit down. 51 00:02:46,033 --> 00:02:47,434 Yes, sir, it's silly, sir. 52 00:02:47,467 --> 00:02:48,135 Awfully bad. 53 00:02:50,637 --> 00:02:54,541 Two civilian gentlemen to see you, sir! 54 00:02:54,575 --> 00:02:56,810 Show them in, please, sergeant. 55 00:02:56,844 --> 00:02:59,913 Mr. dino vercotti and mr. luigi vercotti! 56 00:03:04,651 --> 00:03:05,919 Good morning, colonel. 57 00:03:05,953 --> 00:03:07,354 Good morning, gentlemen. 58 00:03:07,387 --> 00:03:08,889 Now, what can i do for you? 59 00:03:08,956 --> 00:03:09,656 You've, uh... 60 00:03:09,723 --> 00:03:10,958 You've got a nice 61 00:03:10,991 --> 00:03:12,693 Army base here, colonel. 62 00:03:12,759 --> 00:03:14,661 Yes. 63 00:03:14,695 --> 00:03:16,730 We wouldn't want anything to happen to it. 64 00:03:17,965 --> 00:03:18,932 What? 65 00:03:18,966 --> 00:03:20,634 Oh, no, what my brother means 66 00:03:20,701 --> 00:03:22,636 Is it would be a shame if, uh... 67 00:03:22,669 --> 00:03:24,638 Oh, sorry, colonel. 68 00:03:24,705 --> 00:03:27,174 Well, don't worry about that, but please do sit down. 69 00:03:27,207 --> 00:03:29,510 No, we prefer to stand, thank you, colonel. 70 00:03:29,543 --> 00:03:30,777 All right, but what do you want? 71 00:03:30,844 --> 00:03:32,346 Oh, what do we want? 72 00:03:34,481 --> 00:03:35,682 Very good, colonel. 73 00:03:35,749 --> 00:03:37,351 Always the joker, luigi. 74 00:03:37,417 --> 00:03:39,453 Explain it to the colonel, dino. 75 00:03:39,520 --> 00:03:41,488 How many tanks you got, colonel? 76 00:03:41,622 --> 00:03:43,257 About 500 altogether. 77 00:03:43,323 --> 00:03:44,358 500, eh? 78 00:03:44,424 --> 00:03:46,093 You ought to be careful, colonel. 79 00:03:46,159 --> 00:03:48,028 We are careful, extremely careful. 80 00:03:48,061 --> 00:03:50,597 'cause things break, don't they? 81 00:03:50,664 --> 00:03:51,832 Break? 82 00:03:51,899 --> 00:03:54,868 Well, everything breaks, don't it, colonel? 83 00:03:54,902 --> 00:03:56,436 Oh, dear. 84 00:03:56,503 --> 00:03:58,772 Oh, see, my brother's clumsy, colonel 85 00:03:58,805 --> 00:04:01,408 And when he gets unhappy he breaks things. 86 00:04:01,475 --> 00:04:02,943 Like, say he don't feel 87 00:04:03,010 --> 00:04:04,945 The army's playing fair by him 88 00:04:04,978 --> 00:04:07,447 He may start breaking things, colonel. 89 00:04:07,481 --> 00:04:09,650 What is all this about? 90 00:04:09,716 --> 00:04:12,152 How many men you got here, colonel? 91 00:04:12,186 --> 00:04:14,988 Oh, uh... 7,000 infantry, 600 artillery 92 00:04:15,022 --> 00:04:17,724 And, uh... two divisions of paratroops. 93 00:04:17,791 --> 00:04:18,892 Paratroops, dino. 94 00:04:18,959 --> 00:04:20,460 It'd be a shame 95 00:04:20,527 --> 00:04:22,863 If someone was to set fire to them. 96 00:04:22,896 --> 00:04:23,997 Set fire to them? 97 00:04:24,064 --> 00:04:25,499 Fires happen, colonel. 98 00:04:25,532 --> 00:04:26,900 Things burn. 99 00:04:26,934 --> 00:04:28,902 Look, what is all this about? 100 00:04:30,871 --> 00:04:32,039 My brother and i have got 101 00:04:32,105 --> 00:04:34,007 A little proposition for you, colonel. 102 00:04:34,041 --> 00:04:35,509 Could save you a lot of bother. 103 00:04:35,609 --> 00:04:36,910 You're doing all right here 104 00:04:36,944 --> 00:04:37,945 Aren't you, colonel? 105 00:04:38,011 --> 00:04:39,046 Well, suppose 106 00:04:39,112 --> 00:04:40,948 Some of your tanks was to get broken 107 00:04:40,981 --> 00:04:42,850 Or troops started getting lost, uh... 108 00:04:42,883 --> 00:04:44,218 Fights started breaking out 109 00:04:44,251 --> 00:04:45,819 During general inspection, like? 110 00:04:45,886 --> 00:04:47,487 It wouldn't be good for business 111 00:04:47,554 --> 00:04:48,655 Would it, colonel? 112 00:04:48,722 --> 00:04:49,823 Are you threatening me? 113 00:04:49,890 --> 00:04:51,058 Oh, no, no, no. 114 00:04:51,124 --> 00:04:53,427 Whatever made you think that, colonel? 115 00:04:53,460 --> 00:04:54,928 The colonel doesn't think 116 00:04:54,962 --> 00:04:56,430 We're nice people, luigi. 117 00:04:56,463 --> 00:04:58,098 We're your buddies, colonel. 118 00:04:58,165 --> 00:04:59,700 We want to look after you. 119 00:04:59,766 --> 00:05:00,968 Look after me? 120 00:05:01,034 --> 00:05:02,569 We can guarantee you 121 00:05:02,636 --> 00:05:05,472 That not a single armored division 122 00:05:05,506 --> 00:05:07,274 Will get done over... 123 00:05:07,307 --> 00:05:09,176 For 15 bob a week. 124 00:05:09,209 --> 00:05:10,344 No, no... 12 and six? 125 00:05:10,410 --> 00:05:11,378 No, no... eight and six? 126 00:05:11,411 --> 00:05:12,379 No, no... five bob? 127 00:05:12,412 --> 00:05:13,380 No, no, this is silly. 128 00:05:13,413 --> 00:05:14,381 What's silly? 129 00:05:14,448 --> 00:05:15,649 No, the whole premise is silly 130 00:05:15,716 --> 00:05:16,850 And it's very badly written. 131 00:05:16,917 --> 00:05:18,018 I'm the senior officer here 132 00:05:18,085 --> 00:05:19,486 And I haven't had a funny line yet 133 00:05:19,520 --> 00:05:20,487 So I'm stopping it. 134 00:05:20,521 --> 00:05:21,622 You can't do that! 135 00:05:21,688 --> 00:05:23,123 I've done it. the sketch is over. 136 00:05:23,156 --> 00:05:24,124 I want to leave the army 137 00:05:24,191 --> 00:05:25,392 Please, sir, it's dangerous. 138 00:05:25,459 --> 00:05:26,593 Look, I stopped your sketch 139 00:05:26,660 --> 00:05:28,295 Five minutes ago, so get out of shot. 140 00:05:28,362 --> 00:05:29,830 Right, director! 141 00:05:29,863 --> 00:05:31,031 Close up. 142 00:05:31,098 --> 00:05:32,399 Zoom in on me. 143 00:05:33,934 --> 00:05:35,269 That's better. 144 00:05:35,302 --> 00:05:38,005 It's only 'cause you couldn't think of a punch line. 145 00:05:38,071 --> 00:05:39,072 Not true, not true. 146 00:05:39,139 --> 00:05:40,507 It's time for the cartoon. 147 00:05:40,607 --> 00:05:44,878 Cue telecine-- ten, nine, eight... 148 00:05:44,912 --> 00:05:47,447 Our general public's not going to understand this, are they? 149 00:05:47,514 --> 00:05:48,415 Shut up, you eyeties! 150 00:06:04,331 --> 00:06:07,601 Ooh, what the devil's going on here? 151 00:06:08,836 --> 00:06:10,437 Hey! hey, what's going... 152 00:06:10,504 --> 00:06:11,972 What's happening here? 153 00:06:12,005 --> 00:06:14,308 Hey, wait a minute. 154 00:06:14,341 --> 00:06:17,678 Hey, oh, hey, stop that! 155 00:06:24,551 --> 00:06:25,752 Well, ladies and gents 156 00:06:25,819 --> 00:06:27,454 Here it is, the show you've been wanking for 157 00:06:27,554 --> 00:06:28,989 The show you've heard so much about. 158 00:06:29,022 --> 00:06:30,824 This is the show that gives you what you want 159 00:06:30,858 --> 00:06:32,226 The way you like it. 160 00:06:32,259 --> 00:06:34,428 So move right up front for "full frontal nudity." 161 00:06:48,175 --> 00:06:49,776 Excuse me... 162 00:06:49,843 --> 00:06:51,678 Will you sit down! 163 00:06:51,712 --> 00:06:53,146 I'm sorry. 164 00:07:04,057 --> 00:07:05,893 A cold ice cream, sweetie? 165 00:07:05,926 --> 00:07:07,461 Sit down! 166 00:07:12,933 --> 00:07:16,603 The owner of the vehicle with this license registration 167 00:07:16,670 --> 00:07:18,805 Will please move it; it's causing an obstruction. 168 00:07:35,155 --> 00:07:37,424 Wasn't that just great, ladies and germs? 169 00:07:37,457 --> 00:07:40,394 Admittedly, a few problems, a few disappointments... 170 00:07:40,427 --> 00:07:41,728 Shut up, you pansy. 171 00:07:41,762 --> 00:07:43,363 I paid for full frontal nudity 172 00:07:43,430 --> 00:07:44,831 And I'm going to get some. 173 00:07:44,865 --> 00:07:46,099 Ta ta, sailor. 174 00:07:47,968 --> 00:07:49,269 Full frontal nudity? never. 175 00:07:49,303 --> 00:07:50,637 What do you think, barbara? 176 00:07:50,671 --> 00:07:51,939 Oh, no, no, no... 177 00:07:51,972 --> 00:07:54,374 Unless it was artistically valid, of course. 178 00:07:55,909 --> 00:07:57,744 Full frontal nudity? 179 00:07:57,778 --> 00:07:59,880 Yes, I'd do it, if it was valid. 180 00:07:59,947 --> 00:08:03,650 Or if the money was valid, and if it were a small part. 181 00:08:12,326 --> 00:08:13,393 Good evening. 182 00:08:14,995 --> 00:08:16,463 I'd like to talk to you tonight 183 00:08:16,563 --> 00:08:18,465 About the place of the nude in my bed... 184 00:08:18,565 --> 00:08:19,466 Um... 185 00:08:20,968 --> 00:08:22,436 In the history of my bed... 186 00:08:22,569 --> 00:08:25,606 Of art... art-- I'm sorry. 187 00:08:25,672 --> 00:08:27,641 The place of the nude in the history of tart... 188 00:08:27,674 --> 00:08:28,742 Call-girl-- I'm sorry. 189 00:08:31,311 --> 00:08:32,546 I'll start again. 190 00:08:33,614 --> 00:08:34,815 Bum-- oh, what a giveaway! 191 00:08:34,882 --> 00:08:36,316 The place of the nude in art. 192 00:08:36,350 --> 00:08:38,752 Oh, hello there, father, uh... confessor, professor 193 00:08:38,785 --> 00:08:40,287 Your honor, your grace... 194 00:08:40,354 --> 00:08:43,357 I'm not your grace, I'm your elsie. 195 00:08:44,725 --> 00:08:47,594 What a terrible joke! 196 00:08:47,628 --> 00:08:50,631 But it's my only line! 197 00:09:53,927 --> 00:09:55,028 We want to buy a bed, please. 198 00:09:55,095 --> 00:09:56,430 Oh, certainly. 199 00:09:56,463 --> 00:09:58,432 I'll get someone to attend to you. 200 00:09:58,498 --> 00:09:59,933 Mr. verity! 201 00:09:59,967 --> 00:10:01,301 Can I help you, sir? 202 00:10:01,335 --> 00:10:03,170 Ah, yes, we'd like to buy a bed... 203 00:10:03,203 --> 00:10:04,838 A double bed, about £50. 204 00:10:04,905 --> 00:10:06,273 Oh, no, I am afraid not, sir. 205 00:10:06,306 --> 00:10:08,041 Our cheapest bed is £800, sir. 206 00:10:08,108 --> 00:10:09,443 Eight hundred pounds! 207 00:10:09,476 --> 00:10:11,645 Oh, uh... perhaps I should have explained. 208 00:10:11,712 --> 00:10:13,480 Mr. verity does tend to exaggerate 209 00:10:13,514 --> 00:10:16,483 So every figure he gives you will be ten times too high. 210 00:10:16,517 --> 00:10:18,952 Otherwise he's perfectly all right, perfectly. 211 00:10:18,986 --> 00:10:20,187 Oh, I see. 212 00:10:23,023 --> 00:10:25,726 I see-- so your cheapest bed is £80? 213 00:10:25,792 --> 00:10:26,994 £800, yes, sir. 214 00:10:27,060 --> 00:10:28,262 And how wide is it? 215 00:10:28,328 --> 00:10:31,331 Uh... the width is, uh... 60 feet wide. 216 00:10:31,398 --> 00:10:32,866 Oh... six foot wide, eh? 217 00:10:32,933 --> 00:10:33,901 And the length? 218 00:10:33,934 --> 00:10:35,068 The length is, um... 219 00:10:35,135 --> 00:10:36,036 Lambert? 220 00:10:36,069 --> 00:10:37,304 Hmm? 221 00:10:37,371 --> 00:10:39,940 What is the length of the comfydown majorette? 222 00:10:40,007 --> 00:10:41,275 Uh... two foot long. 223 00:10:41,308 --> 00:10:42,743 Two foot long? 224 00:10:42,776 --> 00:10:44,645 Ah, yes, you have to remember, of course 225 00:10:44,678 --> 00:10:47,014 To multiply everything mr. lambert says by three. 226 00:10:47,047 --> 00:10:49,283 Uh... it's nothing he can help, you understand. 227 00:10:49,316 --> 00:10:51,251 Apart from that he's perfectly all right. 228 00:10:51,285 --> 00:10:52,553 I see, I'm sorry. 229 00:10:52,619 --> 00:10:53,954 But it does mean 230 00:10:53,987 --> 00:10:56,190 That when he says a bed is two foot wide 231 00:10:56,256 --> 00:10:57,991 It is, in fact, 60 feet wide. 232 00:10:58,058 --> 00:10:59,126 Oh, yes, I see... 233 00:10:59,193 --> 00:11:00,794 And that's not counting the mattress. 234 00:11:00,861 --> 00:11:01,895 Oh, how much is that? 235 00:11:01,962 --> 00:11:03,764 Lambert will be able to help you there. 236 00:11:03,797 --> 00:11:04,765 Lambert? 237 00:11:04,798 --> 00:11:05,766 Hmm? 238 00:11:05,832 --> 00:11:07,367 Will you show these 20 good people 239 00:11:07,434 --> 00:11:08,769 The, uh... dog kennel please? 240 00:11:08,802 --> 00:11:09,770 Certainly. 241 00:11:09,803 --> 00:11:10,771 Dog kennel? no, no, no. 242 00:11:10,838 --> 00:11:11,839 Mattresses, mattresses. 243 00:11:11,905 --> 00:11:13,073 Oh, no, no, you have to say 244 00:11:13,140 --> 00:11:14,775 "dog kennel" to mr. lambert 245 00:11:14,842 --> 00:11:17,878 Because if you say "mattress," he puts a bag over his head. 246 00:11:17,945 --> 00:11:19,446 I should have explained. 247 00:11:19,513 --> 00:11:21,481 Apart from that he's really all right. 248 00:11:26,753 --> 00:11:30,357 Uh... um, uh, we'd like to see the dog kennels, please. 249 00:11:30,424 --> 00:11:31,758 Dog kennels? 250 00:11:31,792 --> 00:11:33,293 Yes, we want to see the dog kennels. 251 00:11:33,360 --> 00:11:36,463 Ah, yes, well, that's the pets department, second floor. 252 00:11:36,530 --> 00:11:39,499 Oh, no, no, we want to see the dog kennels. 253 00:11:39,566 --> 00:11:42,035 Yes, pets department, second floor. 254 00:11:42,102 --> 00:11:44,505 No, no, no, we don't really want to see dog kennels 255 00:11:44,538 --> 00:11:46,373 Only your colleague said we ought to... 256 00:11:46,406 --> 00:11:48,375 Oh, dear, what's he been telling you now? 257 00:11:48,408 --> 00:11:49,776 Well, he said we should say 258 00:11:49,810 --> 00:11:51,778 "dog kennels" to you instead of "mattress." 259 00:11:54,781 --> 00:11:57,117 Oh, dear, hello, hello? 260 00:11:57,150 --> 00:11:58,385 Did you say "mattress"? 261 00:11:58,452 --> 00:12:00,020 Well, a little, yes. 262 00:12:00,087 --> 00:12:02,689 I did ask you not to say "mattress," didn't i? 263 00:12:02,756 --> 00:12:05,459 Now I've got to stand in the tea chest. 264 00:12:08,562 --> 00:12:13,267 And did those feet in ancient times 265 00:12:13,300 --> 00:12:15,469 Walk upon england's mountains green... 266 00:12:15,569 --> 00:12:17,871 Did somebody say "mattress" to mr. lambert? 267 00:12:17,905 --> 00:12:21,175 And was the holy lamb of god 268 00:12:21,208 --> 00:12:23,710 On england's pleasant... 269 00:12:28,248 --> 00:12:29,816 He should be all right now. 270 00:12:29,883 --> 00:12:31,885 But don't... you know, just don't. 271 00:12:31,952 --> 00:12:33,387 Oh, no, no, no. 272 00:12:33,420 --> 00:12:36,823 Uh... 273 00:12:36,857 --> 00:12:40,160 We'd like to see the dog kennels, please. 274 00:12:40,194 --> 00:12:42,296 Yes, second floor. 275 00:12:42,362 --> 00:12:45,499 No, no, look, these dog kennels here, see? 276 00:12:45,632 --> 00:12:46,867 Mattresses? 277 00:12:46,934 --> 00:12:48,435 Oh, yes! 278 00:12:48,502 --> 00:12:50,938 Well, if you meant mattress, why didn't you say "mattress"? 279 00:12:50,971 --> 00:12:52,439 I mean, it's very confusing for me 280 00:12:52,472 --> 00:12:54,842 If you go and say "dog kennels" when you mean "mattress." 281 00:12:54,875 --> 00:12:56,210 Why not just say "mattress"? 282 00:12:56,243 --> 00:12:58,278 Well, I mean you put a bag over your head 283 00:12:58,345 --> 00:12:59,746 Last time I said "mattress." 284 00:13:01,148 --> 00:13:05,619 Bring me my bow of burning gold 285 00:13:05,686 --> 00:13:09,456 Bring me my arrows of desire 286 00:13:09,489 --> 00:13:12,392 Bring me my spear... 287 00:13:12,426 --> 00:13:14,561 Did somebody say "mattress" to mr. lambert? 288 00:13:14,628 --> 00:13:15,696 Twice. 289 00:13:15,762 --> 00:13:16,997 Hey, everybody 290 00:13:17,064 --> 00:13:19,466 Somebody said "mattress" to mr. lambert twice! 291 00:13:19,499 --> 00:13:25,372 I shall not cease from mental strife 292 00:13:25,405 --> 00:13:29,843 Nor shall my sword sleep in my hand... 293 00:13:29,877 --> 00:13:31,378 We need more! 294 00:13:36,850 --> 00:13:44,191 On england's green and pleasant... 295 00:13:46,593 --> 00:13:48,695 Now, uh... can I help you? 296 00:13:48,762 --> 00:13:50,264 We want a mattress. 297 00:13:50,330 --> 00:13:52,900 Oh, what did you say that for? 298 00:13:52,966 --> 00:13:55,636 But it's my only line! 299 00:13:55,702 --> 00:13:58,372 Well, you didn't have to say it. 300 00:14:02,042 --> 00:14:03,076 Full frontal nudity? 301 00:14:03,143 --> 00:14:04,378 Not in this part of esher. 302 00:14:04,444 --> 00:14:08,415 I would only perform a scene 303 00:14:08,482 --> 00:14:11,919 In which there was total frontal nudity. 304 00:14:11,985 --> 00:14:13,687 Now, I've noticed a tendency 305 00:14:13,754 --> 00:14:15,989 For this program to get rather silly. 306 00:14:16,023 --> 00:14:18,792 Now, I do my best to keep things moving along 307 00:14:18,825 --> 00:14:21,295 But I'm not having things getting silly. 308 00:14:21,328 --> 00:14:24,464 Those last two sketches I did got very silly indeed 309 00:14:24,565 --> 00:14:27,501 And that last one about the bed was even sillier. 310 00:14:27,601 --> 00:14:30,370 Now, nobody likes a good laugh more than I do 311 00:14:30,404 --> 00:14:33,473 Except perhaps my wife... and some of her friends. 312 00:14:33,540 --> 00:14:35,475 Oh, yes, and captain johnson. 313 00:14:35,509 --> 00:14:36,710 Come to think of it 314 00:14:36,777 --> 00:14:39,246 Most people like a good laugh more than I do 315 00:14:39,313 --> 00:14:41,014 But that's beside the point. 316 00:14:41,081 --> 00:14:44,084 Now, let's have a good, clean, healthy outdoor sketch. 317 00:14:44,151 --> 00:14:46,019 Get some air into your lungs. 318 00:14:46,053 --> 00:14:47,654 Ten, nine, eight and all that. 319 00:14:48,889 --> 00:14:50,591 ah, yes, that's better. 320 00:14:50,657 --> 00:14:54,161 now, let's hope this doesn't get silly. 321 00:14:54,228 --> 00:14:56,697 Hello, are you a hermit by any chance? 322 00:14:56,730 --> 00:14:58,532 Yes, that's right. 323 00:14:58,599 --> 00:14:59,766 Are you a hermit? 324 00:14:59,833 --> 00:15:01,201 Yes, I certainly am. 325 00:15:01,235 --> 00:15:02,302 Well, I never. 326 00:15:02,369 --> 00:15:03,937 What are you getting away from? 327 00:15:04,004 --> 00:15:05,305 Oh, you know, the usual-- 328 00:15:05,339 --> 00:15:06,940 People, chat, gossip, you know. 329 00:15:07,007 --> 00:15:09,476 Oh, I certainly do; it was the same with me. 330 00:15:09,510 --> 00:15:12,179 I mean, there comes a time when you realize there's no good 331 00:15:12,246 --> 00:15:13,447 Frittering your life away 332 00:15:13,547 --> 00:15:15,482 In idleness and trivial chitchat. 333 00:15:15,549 --> 00:15:17,084 Where's your cave? 334 00:15:17,150 --> 00:15:19,119 Oh, up the goat track, first on the left. 335 00:15:19,186 --> 00:15:21,188 Oh, they're very nice up there, aren't they? 336 00:15:21,255 --> 00:15:22,723 Yes, they are, I've got a beauty. 337 00:15:22,756 --> 00:15:24,324 A bit drafty, though, aren't they? 338 00:15:24,391 --> 00:15:26,159 No, we've had ours insulated. 339 00:15:26,193 --> 00:15:27,127 Oh, yes? 340 00:15:27,160 --> 00:15:28,362 Yes, I used birds' nests, moss 341 00:15:28,428 --> 00:15:29,863 And oak leaves round the outside. 342 00:15:29,897 --> 00:15:30,998 Oh, sounds marvelous. 343 00:15:31,064 --> 00:15:32,599 Oh, it's a treat, it really is 344 00:15:32,666 --> 00:15:35,302 'cause otherwise, those stone caves can be so grim. 345 00:15:35,369 --> 00:15:37,204 Yes, they really can be, can't they? 346 00:15:37,237 --> 00:15:38,238 They really can. 347 00:15:38,305 --> 00:15:39,339 Morning, frank. 348 00:15:39,406 --> 00:15:40,774 Uh, morning, norman. 349 00:15:40,807 --> 00:15:43,477 Talking of moss, uh, you know mr. robinson? 350 00:15:43,577 --> 00:15:45,212 With the, uh, green loincloth? 351 00:15:45,279 --> 00:15:46,747 Uh, no, that's mr. seagrave. 352 00:15:46,813 --> 00:15:48,148 Mr. robinson's the hermit 353 00:15:48,182 --> 00:15:49,750 Who lodges with mr. seagrave. 354 00:15:49,816 --> 00:15:50,918 Oh, yes. 355 00:15:50,984 --> 00:15:52,953 Yes, well, he's put me onto wattles. 356 00:15:53,020 --> 00:15:53,987 Really? 357 00:15:54,054 --> 00:15:55,355 Yes. swears by them. 358 00:15:55,389 --> 00:15:56,823 Morning, frank. 359 00:15:56,857 --> 00:15:58,825 Morning, lionel. 360 00:15:58,892 --> 00:16:01,762 Well, he says that moss tends to fall off the cave wall 361 00:16:01,795 --> 00:16:03,230 During cold weather. 362 00:16:03,263 --> 00:16:05,432 You know, you might get a really bad spell 363 00:16:05,532 --> 00:16:07,668 And half the moss drops off the cave wall 364 00:16:07,734 --> 00:16:09,102 Leaving you cold. 365 00:16:09,136 --> 00:16:10,637 Oh, well, mr. robinson's cave 366 00:16:10,704 --> 00:16:12,773 Has never been exactly nirvana, has it? 367 00:16:12,840 --> 00:16:14,374 Well, quite, that's what I mean. 368 00:16:14,441 --> 00:16:16,410 Anyway, mr. rogers, he's the, uh, hermit... 369 00:16:16,476 --> 00:16:17,444 On the end. 370 00:16:17,511 --> 00:16:18,645 Up at the top, yes. 371 00:16:18,712 --> 00:16:19,746 Well, he tried wattles 372 00:16:19,813 --> 00:16:21,148 And he came out in a rash. 373 00:16:21,181 --> 00:16:22,349 Really? 374 00:16:22,416 --> 00:16:24,384 Yes, and there's me with half a wall wattled. 375 00:16:24,418 --> 00:16:25,419 I mean, what'll I do? 376 00:16:25,485 --> 00:16:27,154 Well, why don't you try birds' nests 377 00:16:27,221 --> 00:16:28,188 Like I've done? 378 00:16:28,222 --> 00:16:29,756 Or else dead bracken. 379 00:16:29,823 --> 00:16:31,058 Frank! 380 00:16:31,124 --> 00:16:32,292 Yes, han. 381 00:16:32,359 --> 00:16:33,827 Can I borrow your goat? 382 00:16:33,894 --> 00:16:35,462 Uh, yes, that'll be all right. 383 00:16:35,529 --> 00:16:37,965 Oh, leave me a pint for breakfast, will you? 384 00:16:37,998 --> 00:16:39,466 You know, that's the trouble 385 00:16:39,533 --> 00:16:41,301 With living halfway up a cliff-- 386 00:16:41,335 --> 00:16:42,736 You feel so cut off. 387 00:16:42,769 --> 00:16:45,272 You know, it takes me two hours every morning 388 00:16:45,339 --> 00:16:46,707 To get out onto the moors 389 00:16:46,740 --> 00:16:48,709 Collect my berries, chastise myself 390 00:16:48,742 --> 00:16:50,611 And two hours back in the evening. 391 00:16:50,644 --> 00:16:53,247 Still, there's one thing about being a hermit-- 392 00:16:53,313 --> 00:16:55,415 At least you meet people. 393 00:16:55,482 --> 00:16:56,884 Oh, yes, i wouldn't go back 394 00:16:56,917 --> 00:16:58,585 To public relations. 395 00:16:58,652 --> 00:17:00,454 Oh, well, bye for now, frank. must toddle. 396 00:17:00,487 --> 00:17:01,522 Right, you two hermits 397 00:17:01,588 --> 00:17:02,756 Stop that sketch. 398 00:17:02,823 --> 00:17:03,724 I think it's silly. 399 00:17:03,757 --> 00:17:05,092 Go on, stop it, it's silly. 400 00:17:05,125 --> 00:17:07,194 What do you mean? you can't stop it; it's on film. 401 00:17:07,261 --> 00:17:08,629 That doesn't make any difference 402 00:17:08,662 --> 00:17:09,997 To the viewer at home, does it? 403 00:17:10,030 --> 00:17:10,998 Go on, get out. 404 00:17:12,933 --> 00:17:15,302 Get off, go on, all of you. 405 00:17:15,335 --> 00:17:17,004 Go on, move, move! 406 00:17:17,070 --> 00:17:18,472 Go on, get out. 407 00:17:23,210 --> 00:17:25,045 Go on, get out. move, move. 408 00:17:27,414 --> 00:17:31,118 Move, move! 409 00:18:09,423 --> 00:18:12,259 Hello, I wish to register a complaint. 410 00:18:12,292 --> 00:18:13,727 Hello? miss? 411 00:18:13,760 --> 00:18:15,162 What do you mean "miss"? 412 00:18:15,195 --> 00:18:16,697 Oh, I'm sorry, I have a cold. 413 00:18:16,763 --> 00:18:18,198 I wish to make a complaint. 414 00:18:18,232 --> 00:18:19,833 Sorry, we're closing for lunch. 415 00:18:19,900 --> 00:18:21,101 Never mind that, my lad 416 00:18:21,168 --> 00:18:22,269 I wish to complain 417 00:18:22,336 --> 00:18:24,171 About this parrot what I purchased 418 00:18:24,204 --> 00:18:26,807 Not half an hour ago from this very boutique. 419 00:18:26,874 --> 00:18:28,742 Oh, yes, the norwegian blue. what's wrong with it? 420 00:18:28,775 --> 00:18:30,577 I'll tell you what's wrong with it. 421 00:18:30,611 --> 00:18:32,646 It's dead, that's what's wrong with it. 422 00:18:32,713 --> 00:18:34,248 No, no, it's resting, look. 423 00:18:34,314 --> 00:18:36,783 Look, my lad, I know a dead parrot when I see one 424 00:18:36,850 --> 00:18:38,452 And I'm looking at one right now. 425 00:18:38,585 --> 00:18:40,687 No, no, sir, it's not dead, it's resting. 426 00:18:40,754 --> 00:18:41,889 Resting? 427 00:18:41,955 --> 00:18:44,057 Yeah, remarkable bird, the norwegian blue 428 00:18:44,124 --> 00:18:45,592 Beautiful plumage, isn't it? 429 00:18:45,659 --> 00:18:48,929 The plumage don't enter into it-- it's stone dead. 430 00:18:48,962 --> 00:18:50,063 No, no, it's resting. 431 00:18:50,130 --> 00:18:54,735 All right, then, if it's resting, I'll wake it up. 432 00:18:54,801 --> 00:18:56,136 Hello, polly! 433 00:18:56,170 --> 00:18:58,672 I've got a nice cuttlefish for you when you wake up 434 00:18:58,739 --> 00:18:59,940 Polly parrot! 435 00:19:00,007 --> 00:19:00,974 There, it moved. 436 00:19:01,041 --> 00:19:02,009 No, it didn't. 437 00:19:02,042 --> 00:19:03,644 That was you pushing the cage. 438 00:19:03,710 --> 00:19:04,278 I did not! 439 00:19:04,344 --> 00:19:06,079 Yes, you did. 440 00:19:06,146 --> 00:19:08,749 Hello, polly! 441 00:19:08,815 --> 00:19:10,884 Polly! 442 00:19:12,119 --> 00:19:14,087 Polly parrot, wake up! 443 00:19:15,222 --> 00:19:16,356 Polly! 444 00:19:19,126 --> 00:19:21,628 Now, that's what I call a dead parrot. 445 00:19:21,695 --> 00:19:23,730 No, no, it's stunned. 446 00:19:23,797 --> 00:19:25,232 Look, my lad, I've had 447 00:19:25,265 --> 00:19:26,900 Just about enough of this. 448 00:19:26,967 --> 00:19:28,936 That parrot is definitely deceased. 449 00:19:28,969 --> 00:19:31,338 And when I bought it not half an hour ago 450 00:19:31,371 --> 00:19:33,674 You assured me that its lack of movement 451 00:19:33,707 --> 00:19:37,277 Was due to it being tired and shagged out after a long squawk. 452 00:19:37,344 --> 00:19:38,812 Well, sir... 453 00:19:38,846 --> 00:19:41,748 It's probably pining for the fjords. 454 00:19:41,782 --> 00:19:43,217 "pining for the fjords"? 455 00:19:43,250 --> 00:19:44,785 What kind of talk is that? 456 00:19:44,852 --> 00:19:47,054 Look, why did it fall flat on its back 457 00:19:47,120 --> 00:19:48,622 The moment I got it home? 458 00:19:48,689 --> 00:19:51,091 The norwegian blue prefers kipping on its back. 459 00:19:51,124 --> 00:19:53,093 It's a beautiful bird, lovely plumage. 460 00:19:53,126 --> 00:19:55,629 Look, I took the liberty of examining that parrot 461 00:19:55,696 --> 00:19:57,598 And I discovered that the only reason 462 00:19:57,631 --> 00:20:00,601 That it had been sitting on its perch in the first place 463 00:20:00,634 --> 00:20:02,636 Was that it had been nailed there. 464 00:20:04,872 --> 00:20:06,340 Well, of course it was nailed there. 465 00:20:06,373 --> 00:20:08,609 Otherwise it would muscle up to those bars and... voom! 466 00:20:08,642 --> 00:20:10,744 Look, matey... 467 00:20:12,579 --> 00:20:14,481 This parrot wouldn't voom 468 00:20:14,515 --> 00:20:17,017 If I put 4,000 volts through it. 469 00:20:17,084 --> 00:20:18,519 It's bleeding demised. 470 00:20:18,585 --> 00:20:20,521 It's not, it's pining. 471 00:20:20,587 --> 00:20:23,490 It's not pining, it's passed on. 472 00:20:23,524 --> 00:20:26,493 This parrot is no more. 473 00:20:26,560 --> 00:20:29,263 It has ceased to be. 474 00:20:29,329 --> 00:20:32,933 It's expired and gone to meet its maker. 475 00:20:33,000 --> 00:20:35,402 This is a late parrot. 476 00:20:36,770 --> 00:20:38,872 It's a stiff. 477 00:20:38,939 --> 00:20:40,974 Bereft of life, it rests in peace. 478 00:20:41,041 --> 00:20:43,210 If you hadn't nailed it to the perch 479 00:20:43,277 --> 00:20:45,379 It would be pushing up the daisies. 480 00:20:45,445 --> 00:20:49,049 It's rung down the curtain and joined the choir invisible. 481 00:20:49,116 --> 00:20:52,219 This is an ex-parrot. 482 00:20:53,554 --> 00:20:56,256 Well, I'd better replace it, then. 483 00:20:56,323 --> 00:20:58,825 If you want to get anything done in this country 484 00:20:58,892 --> 00:21:01,662 You've got to complain till you're blue in the mouth. 485 00:21:01,695 --> 00:21:03,931 Sorry, guv, we're right out of parrots. 486 00:21:03,997 --> 00:21:06,800 I see, I see, I get the picture. 487 00:21:06,834 --> 00:21:08,235 I've got a slug. 488 00:21:09,770 --> 00:21:11,271 Does it talk? 489 00:21:11,338 --> 00:21:12,840 Not really, no. 490 00:21:12,906 --> 00:21:15,242 Well, it's scarcely a replacement, then, is it? 491 00:21:15,275 --> 00:21:17,244 Listen, I'll tell you what, tell you what 492 00:21:17,277 --> 00:21:19,379 If you go to my brother's pet shop in bolton 493 00:21:19,446 --> 00:21:21,081 He'll replace your parrot for you. 494 00:21:21,148 --> 00:21:22,115 Bolton, eh? 495 00:21:22,182 --> 00:21:23,317 Yeah. 496 00:21:23,383 --> 00:21:24,351 All right. 497 00:21:44,905 --> 00:21:46,240 Uh, excuse me. 498 00:21:46,273 --> 00:21:48,008 This is bolton, is it? 499 00:21:48,075 --> 00:21:50,277 No, no, it's, uh, ipswich. 500 00:21:50,344 --> 00:21:52,880 That's inter-city rail for you. 501 00:21:59,319 --> 00:22:02,189 I wish to make a complaint. 502 00:22:02,222 --> 00:22:04,691 I don't have to do this, you know. 503 00:22:04,758 --> 00:22:05,959 I beg your pardon? 504 00:22:06,026 --> 00:22:07,594 I'm a qualified brain surgeon. 505 00:22:07,661 --> 00:22:10,163 I only do this because I like being me own boss. 506 00:22:10,230 --> 00:22:12,633 Uh, excuse me, this is irrelevant, isn't it? 507 00:22:12,666 --> 00:22:13,901 Oh, yeah, it's not easy 508 00:22:13,967 --> 00:22:15,602 To pad these out to 30 minutes. 509 00:22:15,669 --> 00:22:17,638 Well, I wish to make a complaint. 510 00:22:17,704 --> 00:22:19,173 I got on the bolton train 511 00:22:19,206 --> 00:22:21,842 And found myself deposited here in ipswich. 512 00:22:21,909 --> 00:22:23,911 No, this is bolton. 513 00:22:23,977 --> 00:22:26,713 The pet shop owner's brother was lying. 514 00:22:26,780 --> 00:22:29,149 Well, you can't blame british rail for that. 515 00:22:29,183 --> 00:22:30,784 If this is bolton 516 00:22:30,851 --> 00:22:32,586 I shall return to the pet shop. 517 00:22:42,095 --> 00:22:45,232 I understand that this is bolton. 518 00:22:45,299 --> 00:22:46,500 Yeah. 519 00:22:46,633 --> 00:22:48,702 Well, you told me it was ipswich. 520 00:22:49,937 --> 00:22:51,905 It was a pun. 521 00:22:53,640 --> 00:22:54,641 A pun? 522 00:22:54,708 --> 00:22:56,143 No, no, not a pun, no. 523 00:22:56,176 --> 00:22:58,912 What's the other thing which reads the same backwards 524 00:22:58,979 --> 00:23:00,514 As forwards? 525 00:23:00,581 --> 00:23:02,115 A palindrome? 526 00:23:02,182 --> 00:23:03,684 Yeah, yeah. 527 00:23:03,750 --> 00:23:05,185 It's not a palindrome. 528 00:23:05,219 --> 00:23:07,788 The palindrome of bolton would be "notlob." 529 00:23:07,855 --> 00:23:09,256 It don't work. 530 00:23:09,289 --> 00:23:10,757 Look, what do you want? 531 00:23:10,791 --> 00:23:12,259 No, I'm sorry. 532 00:23:12,326 --> 00:23:15,229 I'm not prepared to pursue my line of inquiry any further 533 00:23:15,262 --> 00:23:17,164 As I think this is getting too silly. 534 00:23:17,197 --> 00:23:18,966 Quite agree, quite agree. 535 00:23:19,032 --> 00:23:20,467 Silly, silly, silly. 536 00:23:20,501 --> 00:23:22,870 Right, get on with it. 537 00:23:22,903 --> 00:23:24,104 Get on with it! 538 00:23:26,907 --> 00:23:30,110 Oh... uh... oh, I'm sorry. 539 00:23:30,177 --> 00:23:32,880 Uh... and now, um... 540 00:23:32,946 --> 00:23:35,349 Frontal nudity. 541 00:23:58,572 --> 00:24:02,109 Oh, oh, I'm sorry, I thought the film was longer. 542 00:24:02,176 --> 00:24:04,811 Uh... uh, now, notlob... uh, bolton. 543 00:24:06,613 --> 00:24:09,216 This is a frightened city. 544 00:24:09,283 --> 00:24:13,854 Over these houses, over these streets hangs a pall of fear 545 00:24:13,921 --> 00:24:18,692 Fear of a new kind of violence which is terrorizing the city. 546 00:24:24,064 --> 00:24:26,099 Yes, gangs of old ladies 547 00:24:26,166 --> 00:24:28,936 Attacking defenseless, fit young men. 548 00:24:33,173 --> 00:24:35,042 Take that! 549 00:24:39,513 --> 00:24:43,483 Well, they come up to you, like, and push you, you know 550 00:24:43,584 --> 00:24:45,719 Shove you off the pavement, like. 551 00:24:45,786 --> 00:24:48,255 There's usually four or five of them. 552 00:24:48,288 --> 00:24:51,725 Yeah, this... this used to be a nice neighborhood 553 00:24:51,792 --> 00:24:54,294 Before the old ladies started moving in. 554 00:24:54,361 --> 00:24:57,798 Nowadays some of us daren't even go down to the shops. 555 00:24:57,865 --> 00:25:01,068 Well, mr. johnson's son kevin, he don't go out anymore. 556 00:25:01,134 --> 00:25:04,638 He comes back from wrestling and locks himself in his room. 557 00:25:18,719 --> 00:25:20,621 What are they in it for 558 00:25:20,654 --> 00:25:23,290 These old hoodlums, these layabouts in lace? 559 00:25:23,357 --> 00:25:26,426 Well, it... it's something to do, isn't it? 560 00:25:26,493 --> 00:25:28,629 It's good fun. 561 00:25:28,695 --> 00:25:32,499 It's... it's like, uh... you know... 562 00:25:32,566 --> 00:25:35,035 Well, isn't it, eh? 563 00:25:35,102 --> 00:25:39,573 Favorite targets for the old ladies are telephone kiosks. 564 00:25:45,579 --> 00:25:48,482 Well, come on, come on, off with you. 565 00:25:48,515 --> 00:25:51,218 Clear out, come on, get out of it. 566 00:25:53,687 --> 00:25:56,123 We have a lot of trouble with these oldies. 567 00:25:56,156 --> 00:25:58,292 Pension day's the worst-- they go mad. 568 00:25:58,358 --> 00:26:00,894 As soon as they get their hands on their money 569 00:26:00,961 --> 00:26:04,631 They blow it all on milk, bread, tea, tin of meat for the cat. 570 00:26:04,698 --> 00:26:07,734 Well, yes, well, of course, come the 2:00 matinee 571 00:26:07,801 --> 00:26:09,369 All the old bags are in there 572 00:26:09,436 --> 00:26:12,372 Especially if it's something like the sound of music. 573 00:26:12,406 --> 00:26:14,741 We get seats ripped up, hearing aids broken 574 00:26:14,775 --> 00:26:16,610 All that sort of thing. 575 00:26:21,615 --> 00:26:24,852 The whole problem of these senile delinquents 576 00:26:24,918 --> 00:26:27,221 Lies in their complete rejection 577 00:26:27,254 --> 00:26:29,923 Of the values of contemporary society. 578 00:26:29,990 --> 00:26:34,127 They've seen their children grow up and become accountants 579 00:26:34,194 --> 00:26:36,597 Stockbrokers and even sociologists 580 00:26:36,630 --> 00:26:39,933 And they begin to wonder, is it all really... 581 00:26:45,772 --> 00:26:49,042 Oh, well, we sometimes feel we're to blame in some way 582 00:26:49,076 --> 00:26:50,744 For what our gran's become. 583 00:26:50,811 --> 00:26:53,213 I mean, she used to be quite happy here 584 00:26:53,247 --> 00:26:55,716 Until she... she started on the crochet. 585 00:26:55,749 --> 00:26:56,850 Crochet? 586 00:26:56,917 --> 00:26:58,685 Yeah, now she can't do without it. 587 00:26:58,752 --> 00:27:00,721 20 balls of wool a day, sometimes. 588 00:27:00,754 --> 00:27:03,090 If she can't get the wool, she gets violent. 589 00:27:03,123 --> 00:27:04,458 What can we do about it? 590 00:27:21,975 --> 00:27:24,978 But this is not just an old ladies' town. 591 00:27:25,045 --> 00:27:27,247 There are other equally dangerous gangs 592 00:27:27,314 --> 00:27:29,983 Such as the baby snatchers. 593 00:27:38,692 --> 00:27:40,460 I just left my husband outside here 594 00:27:40,594 --> 00:27:42,462 While I went in to do some shopping 595 00:27:42,496 --> 00:27:44,298 And I came back and he was gone. 596 00:27:44,331 --> 00:27:46,300 He was only 47. 597 00:27:48,202 --> 00:27:54,308 And on the roads, too, vicious gangs of "keep left" signs. 598 00:27:57,911 --> 00:27:59,379 Right, right, stop it. 599 00:27:59,413 --> 00:28:00,781 This film's got silly. 600 00:28:00,814 --> 00:28:02,716 Started off with a nice little idea 601 00:28:02,749 --> 00:28:04,618 About grannies attacking young men 602 00:28:04,651 --> 00:28:06,019 But now it's got silly. 603 00:28:06,053 --> 00:28:08,422 This man's hair is too long for a vicar, too. 604 00:28:08,455 --> 00:28:10,224 These signs are pretty badly made. 605 00:28:10,290 --> 00:28:13,126 Right, now for a complete change of mood. 606 00:28:13,160 --> 00:28:16,063 I've heard of unisex but I've never had it. 607 00:28:18,899 --> 00:28:21,001 David hemmings appeared 608 00:28:21,068 --> 00:28:23,804 By permission of the national forestry commission.