1 00:00:05,439 --> 00:00:06,540 It's... 2 00:00:06,607 --> 00:00:10,377 Monty python's flying circus. 3 00:00:45,846 --> 00:00:49,683 senores, senoras y senoritas, buenas noches. 4 00:00:49,716 --> 00:00:51,752 buenas noches. 5 00:00:51,818 --> 00:00:55,756 esta noche presentamos con mucho gusto 6 00:00:55,822 --> 00:01:00,294 informacion interesante acerca de la llama. 7 00:01:00,360 --> 00:01:01,929 la llama! 8 00:01:01,995 --> 00:01:03,096 Ay-ya! 9 00:01:10,304 --> 00:01:12,172 amazonas! 10 00:01:12,206 --> 00:01:13,974 Pa-pa-pa! 11 00:01:24,051 --> 00:01:25,452 ole! 12 00:01:48,909 --> 00:01:51,078 cuidado, llamas! 13 00:01:59,786 --> 00:02:08,128 cuidado, cuidado, cuidado, cuidado las llamas. 14 00:02:09,196 --> 00:02:10,864 ole! 15 00:02:26,580 --> 00:02:27,548 Fine. 16 00:02:28,715 --> 00:02:30,651 Okay. 17 00:02:30,684 --> 00:02:33,420 And now for something completely different: 18 00:02:33,453 --> 00:02:35,956 A man with a tape recorder up his nose. 19 00:03:11,792 --> 00:03:15,896 And now for something completely different: 20 00:03:15,963 --> 00:03:20,267 The office of sir george head, o.b.e. 21 00:03:21,935 --> 00:03:22,903 Next, please. 22 00:03:28,842 --> 00:03:31,879 Ah, one at a time, please. 23 00:03:33,447 --> 00:03:34,681 There is only me, sir. 24 00:03:39,786 --> 00:03:40,754 So there is. 25 00:03:40,787 --> 00:03:41,822 Ah, take a, um... 26 00:03:43,190 --> 00:03:44,157 Seat? 27 00:03:44,224 --> 00:03:45,692 Seat, seat-- take a seat. 28 00:03:45,759 --> 00:03:47,027 So, you want to join 29 00:03:47,060 --> 00:03:49,496 My mountaineering expedition, do you? 30 00:03:51,965 --> 00:03:53,033 Me, sir? 31 00:03:53,100 --> 00:03:54,168 Yes. 32 00:03:54,234 --> 00:03:56,136 Yes, I'd very much like to, sir. 33 00:03:56,170 --> 00:03:57,504 Jolly good, jolly good. 34 00:03:57,538 --> 00:03:58,572 And how about you? 35 00:03:59,907 --> 00:04:02,042 There is only me, sir. 36 00:04:07,247 --> 00:04:09,416 Well, bang goes his application then. 37 00:04:09,483 --> 00:04:10,717 Now, let me fill you in. 38 00:04:10,784 --> 00:04:12,920 I'm leading this expedition 39 00:04:12,986 --> 00:04:14,922 And we're going to climb 40 00:04:14,955 --> 00:04:17,257 Both peaks of mount kiliman jaro. 41 00:04:17,324 --> 00:04:20,561 I thought there was only one peak, sir. 42 00:04:25,966 --> 00:04:27,935 Well, that'll save a bit of time. 43 00:04:27,968 --> 00:04:29,002 Well, then. 44 00:04:29,069 --> 00:04:31,438 Now, the object of this expedition is 45 00:04:31,471 --> 00:04:32,840 To see if we can find 46 00:04:32,873 --> 00:04:35,275 Any traces of last year's expedition. 47 00:04:37,578 --> 00:04:38,712 Last year's expedition? 48 00:04:38,779 --> 00:04:40,480 Yes, my brother was leading that. 49 00:04:40,547 --> 00:04:41,815 They were going to build 50 00:04:41,849 --> 00:04:43,450 A bridge between the two peaks. 51 00:04:48,622 --> 00:04:49,723 My idea, I'm afraid. 52 00:04:49,790 --> 00:04:51,225 Now, I ought to tell you 53 00:04:51,258 --> 00:04:53,160 That I have practically everyone 54 00:04:53,193 --> 00:04:55,062 That I need for this expedition. 55 00:04:55,095 --> 00:04:57,664 So what special qualifications do you have? 56 00:04:57,731 --> 00:04:58,799 Well, sir... 57 00:04:58,866 --> 00:04:59,833 Yes, you first. 58 00:04:59,867 --> 00:05:01,168 There is only me, sir. 59 00:05:01,201 --> 00:05:02,669 I wasn't talking to you. 60 00:05:02,703 --> 00:05:03,770 Carry on. 61 00:05:03,837 --> 00:05:07,140 Well, I'm a fully qualified mountaineer. 62 00:05:07,174 --> 00:05:08,141 Mountaineer? 63 00:05:09,443 --> 00:05:10,444 Mountaineer? 64 00:05:12,613 --> 00:05:16,650 Mound... mountain... 65 00:05:16,717 --> 00:05:18,085 A mountaineer: 66 00:05:18,118 --> 00:05:20,521 Two men skilled in climbing mountains. 67 00:05:21,555 --> 00:05:23,557 Jolly good, well, you're in. 68 00:05:23,624 --> 00:05:25,025 Congratulations. 69 00:05:25,058 --> 00:05:26,059 Both of you. 70 00:05:26,126 --> 00:05:28,228 Now, what are your names? 71 00:05:28,295 --> 00:05:29,263 Arthur wilson. 72 00:05:29,296 --> 00:05:30,964 Arthur wilson, right. 73 00:05:31,031 --> 00:05:34,468 Well, look, I'll call you arthur wilson one 74 00:05:34,535 --> 00:05:35,802 And you arthur wilson two 75 00:05:35,836 --> 00:05:37,137 Just to avoid confusion. 76 00:05:37,171 --> 00:05:39,706 Are you actually leading this expedition, sir? 77 00:05:39,773 --> 00:05:40,774 Yes, we are leading 78 00:05:40,841 --> 00:05:42,209 This expedition to africa. 79 00:05:43,410 --> 00:05:45,812 And what routes will you both be taking? 80 00:05:45,846 --> 00:05:46,813 Good questions. 81 00:05:46,847 --> 00:05:47,814 Shall i? 82 00:05:47,848 --> 00:05:48,815 Fine. 83 00:05:50,017 --> 00:05:52,619 Well, we'll be leaving on january 22 84 00:05:52,686 --> 00:05:55,055 And taking the following routes: 85 00:05:55,088 --> 00:05:56,723 The a23s through purleys 86 00:05:56,790 --> 00:05:59,693 Down onto the main roads near purbrights-- 87 00:05:59,726 --> 00:06:03,096 Avoiding leatherheads-- and then taking the a231s 88 00:06:03,130 --> 00:06:05,666 Entering rottingdeans from the north. 89 00:06:05,732 --> 00:06:09,803 From rottingdeans, we go through africa to nairobis. 90 00:06:09,870 --> 00:06:12,840 We take the south road out of nairobis 91 00:06:12,873 --> 00:06:15,409 For about 12 miles and then ask. 92 00:06:16,476 --> 00:06:18,045 Does anyone speak swahili, sir? 93 00:06:18,111 --> 00:06:20,380 Oh, yes, I think most of them do down there. 94 00:06:20,414 --> 00:06:23,584 Does anyone in our party speak swahili, sir? 95 00:06:23,650 --> 00:06:25,686 Well, matron's got a smattering. 96 00:06:25,752 --> 00:06:27,554 Apart from the two matrons... 97 00:06:27,588 --> 00:06:29,022 Good god, i forgot about her. 98 00:06:29,056 --> 00:06:30,891 Apart from them, who else is coming 99 00:06:30,924 --> 00:06:32,125 On the expedition, sir? 100 00:06:32,192 --> 00:06:35,128 Well, we've got the arthur brown twins 101 00:06:35,162 --> 00:06:37,197 Two botanists called machin 102 00:06:37,264 --> 00:06:39,733 The william johnston brothers... 103 00:06:39,800 --> 00:06:40,567 Two of them. 104 00:06:40,601 --> 00:06:41,568 No, four of them-- 105 00:06:41,602 --> 00:06:42,769 Pair of identical twins. 106 00:06:42,836 --> 00:06:44,838 And a couple of the ken spinoza quads. 107 00:06:44,905 --> 00:06:46,240 The other two pulled out. 108 00:06:46,273 --> 00:06:47,574 And, of course, you two. 109 00:06:47,608 --> 00:06:49,243 And none of these are mountaineers? 110 00:06:49,343 --> 00:06:50,477 Well, you two are. 111 00:06:50,544 --> 00:06:52,546 And we've got a brace of guides 112 00:06:52,613 --> 00:06:54,114 Called jimmy blenkinsop 113 00:06:54,181 --> 00:06:57,050 Because kiliman jaro's a pretty tricky climb, you know. 114 00:06:57,084 --> 00:06:58,051 Most of it's up 115 00:06:58,118 --> 00:06:59,753 Till you reach the very, very top 116 00:06:59,820 --> 00:07:02,222 And then it tends to slope away rather sharply. 117 00:07:02,322 --> 00:07:04,057 But jimmy's put his heads together 118 00:07:04,091 --> 00:07:05,692 And worked out a way up-- jimmy? 119 00:07:05,759 --> 00:07:06,994 I don't believe you've met. 120 00:07:07,060 --> 00:07:08,595 Jimmy blenkinsop, arthur wilson. 121 00:07:08,662 --> 00:07:10,197 Arthur wilson, jimmy blenkinsop. 122 00:07:10,264 --> 00:07:12,232 Arthur wilson two, jimmy blenkinsop one. 123 00:07:12,299 --> 00:07:14,234 Jimmy blenkinsop one, arthur wilson two. 124 00:07:14,334 --> 00:07:15,235 Carry on, jimmys. 125 00:07:15,335 --> 00:07:16,737 Don't worry about the, uh... 126 00:07:16,770 --> 00:07:18,005 We'll get him up somehow. 127 00:07:18,071 --> 00:07:19,740 Now, the approach to kiliman jaro 128 00:07:19,806 --> 00:07:22,142 Is, quite simply, over the foothills. 129 00:07:22,176 --> 00:07:23,911 And then we go on after that 130 00:07:23,944 --> 00:07:25,245 Up to set a base camp 131 00:07:25,312 --> 00:07:28,649 Somewhere in the region of the bottom of the glacier 132 00:07:28,682 --> 00:07:30,951 When after the glacier we'll find... 133 00:07:33,053 --> 00:07:36,857 And of course, we have this rather difficult climb... 134 00:07:53,540 --> 00:07:55,409 You'll be leading the first assault. 135 00:07:55,442 --> 00:07:57,211 Well, I'm afraid I shan't be coming 136 00:07:57,244 --> 00:07:58,712 On your expedition, sir 137 00:07:58,745 --> 00:08:01,815 As I've absolutely no confidence in anyone involved in it. 138 00:08:04,351 --> 00:08:06,820 Oh dear. 139 00:08:06,854 --> 00:08:07,955 Well, how about you? 140 00:08:08,021 --> 00:08:09,823 Well, I'm game, sir. 141 00:08:09,857 --> 00:08:12,593 So are we. 142 00:08:15,395 --> 00:08:18,232 And now for something completely different: 143 00:08:18,298 --> 00:08:21,235 A man with a tape recorder up his brother's nose. 144 00:09:04,511 --> 00:09:06,713 Thank you, thank you. 145 00:09:08,749 --> 00:09:11,018 Have you ever considered the advantages 146 00:09:11,051 --> 00:09:13,654 Of owning a really fine set of encyclopedias? 147 00:09:14,821 --> 00:09:16,190 For only ten shillings. 148 00:09:16,223 --> 00:09:17,624 George... 149 00:09:17,658 --> 00:09:21,428 Louise, I told you never to call me at the office. 150 00:09:37,077 --> 00:09:38,178 Congratulations, sir. 151 00:09:38,245 --> 00:09:40,380 You've just one this lovely cupie doll. 152 00:09:40,447 --> 00:09:43,116 Get off! 153 00:09:43,183 --> 00:09:46,820 And get a haircut, you pansy! 154 00:09:48,856 --> 00:09:50,257 Morning. 155 00:09:50,324 --> 00:09:52,893 Ah, morning sir, morning, morning. 156 00:09:52,960 --> 00:09:54,761 I'll b-b-be with you in a minute. 157 00:09:54,795 --> 00:09:55,762 Oh, fine, fine. 158 00:10:25,559 --> 00:10:28,262 Um, how... how do you like it, sir? 159 00:10:28,395 --> 00:10:30,030 Just short back and sides, please. 160 00:10:30,097 --> 00:10:31,765 How do you do that? 161 00:10:31,832 --> 00:10:34,768 Just ordinary short back and sides. 162 00:10:34,801 --> 00:10:37,237 It's not a, um, a razor cut... 163 00:10:37,271 --> 00:10:39,273 Razor razor razor razor cut! 164 00:10:39,406 --> 00:10:41,175 Blood spurt artery murder! 165 00:10:42,442 --> 00:10:44,311 Oh, thank god, thank god. 166 00:10:44,378 --> 00:10:46,380 It's just, uh... scissors. 167 00:10:46,446 --> 00:10:48,115 Yes, yes. 168 00:10:48,182 --> 00:10:51,285 You wouldn't rather have it just combed, would you, sir? 169 00:10:51,418 --> 00:10:52,486 I beg your pardon? 170 00:10:52,553 --> 00:10:54,688 You wouldn't rather forget all about it? 171 00:10:54,755 --> 00:10:56,723 No, no, no, I want it cut. 172 00:10:56,790 --> 00:10:58,258 Cut cut cut cut cut cut! 173 00:10:58,325 --> 00:10:59,826 Blood spurt artery murder! 174 00:10:59,893 --> 00:11:01,762 Hitchcock psycho blood damn it! 175 00:11:03,530 --> 00:11:07,201 Right, so I'll get e-e-everything ready. 176 00:11:07,267 --> 00:11:08,669 In the meantime 177 00:11:08,702 --> 00:11:11,972 Perhaps you'd fill in one of these. 178 00:11:12,005 --> 00:11:13,907 All right, fine, yes. 179 00:11:17,077 --> 00:11:17,544 Excuse me. 180 00:11:17,611 --> 00:11:18,579 What? 181 00:11:18,612 --> 00:11:20,147 Where it says "next of kin" 182 00:11:20,214 --> 00:11:21,515 Should i put "mother"? 183 00:11:21,548 --> 00:11:24,017 Yes, yes, yes, yes, yes. 184 00:11:24,051 --> 00:11:27,387 There we are. 185 00:11:27,421 --> 00:11:29,389 Thank you. 186 00:11:30,524 --> 00:11:33,293 Right. 187 00:11:33,327 --> 00:11:34,294 Ha ha. 188 00:11:35,329 --> 00:11:36,296 Ha ha. 189 00:12:07,427 --> 00:12:08,395 There. finished. 190 00:12:08,462 --> 00:12:09,796 I finished cutting cutting 191 00:12:09,830 --> 00:12:12,366 Cutting cutting cutting cutting cutting your hair. 192 00:12:12,432 --> 00:12:13,400 It's all done. 193 00:12:13,433 --> 00:12:14,935 You haven't started cutting it. 194 00:12:15,002 --> 00:12:16,003 I have. 195 00:12:16,069 --> 00:12:18,505 I did it very quickly, your honor... 196 00:12:18,539 --> 00:12:19,540 Sir... sir, sir, sir. 197 00:12:19,606 --> 00:12:20,774 Look here, old fellow. 198 00:12:20,841 --> 00:12:22,676 I know when a chap's cut my hair 199 00:12:22,709 --> 00:12:23,744 And when he hasn't 200 00:12:23,810 --> 00:12:25,946 So will you please stop fooling around 201 00:12:26,013 --> 00:12:27,080 And get on with it? 202 00:12:27,147 --> 00:12:28,482 Yes... yes, I will, sir. 203 00:12:28,515 --> 00:12:30,284 I'm going to cut your hair, sir. 204 00:12:30,384 --> 00:12:32,819 I'm going to start cutting your hair, sir. 205 00:12:32,853 --> 00:12:35,289 Start cutting-- now. 206 00:12:37,758 --> 00:12:39,726 Nice day, sir. 207 00:12:39,793 --> 00:12:42,496 Yes, flowers could do with a drop of rain there. 208 00:12:42,563 --> 00:12:44,531 You see the match last night, sir? 209 00:12:44,565 --> 00:12:46,033 Yeah, good game, I thought. 210 00:12:46,099 --> 00:12:48,168 I thought hurst played well, sir. 211 00:12:48,235 --> 00:12:49,169 Beg your pardon? 212 00:12:49,203 --> 00:12:51,138 I thought hurst played well. 213 00:12:51,171 --> 00:12:53,040 Oh, yes, only one who did, though. 214 00:12:53,073 --> 00:12:55,042 Can you put your head down a little, sir? 215 00:12:55,075 --> 00:12:56,043 Oh, sorry. 216 00:12:57,277 --> 00:12:59,580 I prefer to watch palace nowadays. 217 00:12:59,613 --> 00:13:01,582 Oh, sorry, was that your ear? 218 00:13:01,648 --> 00:13:03,550 No, no, didn't feel a thing. 219 00:13:03,584 --> 00:13:04,785 Hey! what's going on? 220 00:13:04,852 --> 00:13:06,887 Yes, it is a nice sport, isn't it? 221 00:13:06,954 --> 00:13:08,388 It looks very nice, sir. 222 00:13:08,422 --> 00:13:11,258 It's exactly the same as when I first came in. 223 00:13:11,291 --> 00:13:12,259 All right! 224 00:13:12,292 --> 00:13:13,460 All right, I confess 225 00:13:13,527 --> 00:13:14,995 I haven't cut your hair. 226 00:13:15,028 --> 00:13:16,230 I hate cutting hair. 227 00:13:16,363 --> 00:13:19,433 I have this terrible un-un-un-uncontrollable fear 228 00:13:19,499 --> 00:13:20,801 Whenever I see hair. 229 00:13:20,834 --> 00:13:21,935 When I was a kid 230 00:13:22,002 --> 00:13:24,171 I used to hate the sight of hair being cut. 231 00:13:24,238 --> 00:13:25,639 My mother said I was a fool. 232 00:13:25,672 --> 00:13:27,241 She said the only way to cure it 233 00:13:27,307 --> 00:13:28,275 Was become a barber. 234 00:13:28,375 --> 00:13:29,843 So I spent five ghastly years 235 00:13:29,877 --> 00:13:32,279 In the hairdresser's training center at totnes. 236 00:13:32,346 --> 00:13:35,582 Can you imagine what it's like-- 237 00:13:35,616 --> 00:13:39,486 Cutting the same head for five years!? 238 00:13:39,520 --> 00:13:41,889 I didn't want to be a barber anyway. 239 00:13:41,922 --> 00:13:44,558 I wanted to be a lumberjack. 240 00:13:44,625 --> 00:13:46,126 Leaping from tree to tree 241 00:13:46,193 --> 00:13:49,263 As they float down the mighty rivers of british columbia. 242 00:13:49,363 --> 00:13:55,369 The giant redwood, the larch, the fir, the mighty scots pine. 243 00:13:55,435 --> 00:13:58,005 The smell of fresh-cut timber! 244 00:13:58,071 --> 00:14:00,707 The crash of mighty trees! 245 00:14:00,774 --> 00:14:04,144 With my best girlie by my side. 246 00:14:04,178 --> 00:14:09,216 We'd sing... sing... sing! 247 00:14:09,283 --> 00:14:11,685 I'm a lumberjack and I'm okay 248 00:14:11,718 --> 00:14:13,921 I sleep all night, I work all day 249 00:14:13,987 --> 00:14:16,523 he's a lumberjack and he's oka y 250 00:14:16,590 --> 00:14:18,926 he sleeps all night and he works all da y. 251 00:14:18,959 --> 00:14:21,628 I cut down trees, I eat my lunch 252 00:14:21,695 --> 00:14:23,830 I go to the lavatory 253 00:14:23,897 --> 00:14:26,200 On wednesdays I go shopping 254 00:14:26,233 --> 00:14:29,036 And have buttered scones for tea. 255 00:14:29,069 --> 00:14:31,839 he cuts down trees, he eats his lunch 256 00:14:31,872 --> 00:14:34,041 he goes to the la vatory 257 00:14:34,107 --> 00:14:36,577 on wednesda ys he goes shopping 258 00:14:36,610 --> 00:14:39,479 and has buttered scones for tea. 259 00:14:39,513 --> 00:14:41,915 he's a lumberjack and he's oka y 260 00:14:41,949 --> 00:14:44,418 he sleeps all night and he works all da y. 261 00:14:44,451 --> 00:14:47,054 I cut down trees, I skip and jump 262 00:14:47,120 --> 00:14:49,456 I like to press wild flowers 263 00:14:49,489 --> 00:14:51,959 I put on women's clothing 264 00:14:51,992 --> 00:14:54,528 And hang around in bars. 265 00:14:54,595 --> 00:14:57,197 he cuts down trees, he skips and jumps 266 00:14:57,264 --> 00:14:59,600 he likes to press wild flowers 267 00:14:59,633 --> 00:15:02,135 he puts on women's clothing 268 00:15:02,202 --> 00:15:05,105 and hangs around in bars? 269 00:15:05,138 --> 00:15:07,441 he's a lumberjack and he's oka y 270 00:15:07,474 --> 00:15:08,442 he sleeps all night 271 00:15:08,475 --> 00:15:10,043 and he works all da y. 272 00:15:10,110 --> 00:15:12,613 I cut down trees, I wear high heels 273 00:15:12,679 --> 00:15:15,015 Suspenders and a bra 274 00:15:15,048 --> 00:15:20,220 I wish I'd been a girlie, just like my dear mama. 275 00:15:20,287 --> 00:15:23,156 He cuts down trees, he wears high heels... 276 00:15:23,190 --> 00:15:24,791 Suspenders and a bra 277 00:15:24,858 --> 00:15:25,826 A bra! 278 00:15:25,893 --> 00:15:27,594 I wish I'd been a girlie 279 00:15:27,661 --> 00:15:30,364 Just like my dear mama. 280 00:15:30,430 --> 00:15:32,599 Oh, bevis! 281 00:15:32,666 --> 00:15:35,569 And I thought you were so rugged. 282 00:15:38,038 --> 00:15:41,275 "dear sir, I wish to complain in the strongest possible terms 283 00:15:41,375 --> 00:15:43,577 "about the song which you have just broadcast 284 00:15:43,644 --> 00:15:46,079 "about the lumberjack who wears women's clothes. 285 00:15:46,113 --> 00:15:47,981 "many of my best friends are lumberjacks 286 00:15:48,015 --> 00:15:49,983 And only a few of them are transvestites." 287 00:15:51,151 --> 00:15:52,452 "yours faithfully 288 00:15:52,486 --> 00:15:54,788 Brigadier sir charles arthur strong (mrs.)." 289 00:15:56,323 --> 00:16:00,093 P.s. I have never kissed the editor of the radio times. 290 00:16:00,127 --> 00:16:04,398 Well, I object to all this sex on the television. 291 00:16:04,431 --> 00:16:07,100 I mean, I keep falling off. 292 00:16:17,911 --> 00:16:23,917 Well, I think television's killed real entertainment. 293 00:16:23,984 --> 00:16:26,887 In the old days, we used to make our own fun. 294 00:16:26,920 --> 00:16:28,222 At christmas parties 295 00:16:28,255 --> 00:16:31,225 I used to strike myself on the head repeatedly 296 00:16:31,291 --> 00:16:34,761 With blunt instruments, while crooning. 297 00:16:34,828 --> 00:16:38,265 Only make-believe 298 00:16:38,332 --> 00:16:41,235 I love you. 299 00:16:42,769 --> 00:16:45,706 Only make-believe 300 00:16:45,739 --> 00:16:48,175 That you love me. 301 00:16:48,208 --> 00:16:50,010 Oh! ow! 302 00:16:50,043 --> 00:16:53,413 Others find peace of mind... 303 00:17:00,087 --> 00:17:01,889 Good evening, ladies and gentlemen 304 00:17:01,922 --> 00:17:04,892 And welcome to the refreshment room here at bletchley. 305 00:17:06,493 --> 00:17:09,396 My name is kenny lust and I'm your compere for tonight. 306 00:17:11,431 --> 00:17:14,868 You know, once in a while, it is my pleasure and my privilege 307 00:17:14,935 --> 00:17:17,237 To welcome here at the refreshment room 308 00:17:17,304 --> 00:17:20,073 Some of the truly great international artists 309 00:17:20,107 --> 00:17:21,074 Of our time. 310 00:17:22,242 --> 00:17:24,211 And tonight we have one such artist. 311 00:17:24,311 --> 00:17:25,779 Ladies and gentlemen 312 00:17:25,812 --> 00:17:28,916 Someone whom I've always personally admired 313 00:17:28,982 --> 00:17:31,451 Perhaps more deeply, more strongly 314 00:17:31,485 --> 00:17:34,454 More abjectly than any other performer... 315 00:17:35,789 --> 00:17:38,192 A man... well, more than a man, a god... 316 00:17:39,760 --> 00:17:44,665 A great god whose personality is so totally and utterly wonderful 317 00:17:44,698 --> 00:17:47,467 That my feeble words of welcome sound 318 00:17:47,501 --> 00:17:50,437 Wretchedly and pathetically inadequate. 319 00:17:51,905 --> 00:17:54,975 Someone whose boots I would gladly lick clean 320 00:17:55,042 --> 00:17:57,444 Until holes wore through my tongue. 321 00:17:58,779 --> 00:18:02,216 A man who is so totally and utterly wonderful 322 00:18:02,282 --> 00:18:06,453 That I would rather be sealed in a pit of my own filth 323 00:18:06,520 --> 00:18:09,923 Than dare tread on the same stage with him. 324 00:18:09,957 --> 00:18:11,692 Ladies and gentlemen 325 00:18:11,758 --> 00:18:17,698 The incomparably superior human being, harry fink. 326 00:18:21,869 --> 00:18:23,570 He can't come. 327 00:18:24,738 --> 00:18:25,839 Never mind. 328 00:18:25,906 --> 00:18:27,841 He's not all he's cracked up to be. 329 00:18:28,876 --> 00:18:30,244 Ladies and gentlemen 330 00:18:30,310 --> 00:18:35,349 We give you ken buddha and his inflatable knees. 331 00:18:42,723 --> 00:18:47,160 Ken buddha, a smile, two bangs and a religion. 332 00:18:47,227 --> 00:18:50,664 Now, ladies and gentlemen, for your further entertainment 333 00:18:50,697 --> 00:18:54,134 Brian islam and brucie. 334 00:20:05,005 --> 00:20:07,374 So, anyway, I became a barber. 335 00:20:07,407 --> 00:20:08,775 Oh, poor chap. 336 00:20:08,809 --> 00:20:09,810 Yes, pity, really. 337 00:20:09,877 --> 00:20:11,912 I always preferred the outdoor life-- 338 00:20:11,979 --> 00:20:14,615 Hunting, shooting, fishing 339 00:20:14,681 --> 00:20:15,883 Getting out there with a gun 340 00:20:15,949 --> 00:20:17,818 Slaughtering a few of god's creatures. 341 00:20:17,851 --> 00:20:19,253 That was the life. 342 00:20:19,286 --> 00:20:20,888 Charging about the moorland 343 00:20:20,954 --> 00:20:22,656 Blasting their heads off. 344 00:22:24,778 --> 00:22:28,682 I'm sorry, we don't need you this week. 345 00:22:48,802 --> 00:22:51,772 And now for something completely different. 346 00:23:01,415 --> 00:23:03,116 Would you... would you mind terribly 347 00:23:03,183 --> 00:23:07,120 If... if I held your hand? 348 00:23:07,154 --> 00:23:11,091 Oh! oh, no, not at all. 349 00:23:12,192 --> 00:23:14,528 Oh, iris, you're so very beautiful. 350 00:23:14,561 --> 00:23:18,232 Oh! oh, do you really mean that? 351 00:23:18,332 --> 00:23:19,700 I do, I do, I do. 352 00:23:19,733 --> 00:23:22,202 I think I'm beginning to fall in love with you. 353 00:23:22,236 --> 00:23:23,770 Oh, victor! 354 00:23:23,837 --> 00:23:25,172 Huh! silly, isn't it? 355 00:23:25,205 --> 00:23:27,674 No! no, not at all 356 00:23:27,708 --> 00:23:30,110 Dear, sweet victor. 357 00:23:30,143 --> 00:23:31,445 No, I didn't mean that. 358 00:23:31,478 --> 00:23:33,580 Only just us being so close together 359 00:23:33,647 --> 00:23:36,149 For so many months in the soft-toy department 360 00:23:36,216 --> 00:23:38,519 And yet never daring to... 361 00:23:38,552 --> 00:23:41,255 Oh! oh, victor! 362 00:23:41,388 --> 00:23:42,856 Oh, iris! 363 00:23:43,957 --> 00:23:44,992 Who can that be? 364 00:23:45,058 --> 00:23:47,027 Oh, well, you try and get rid of them. 365 00:23:47,060 --> 00:23:49,563 Yes, I will, I will, yes. 366 00:23:51,498 --> 00:23:53,467 Won't be a moment. 367 00:23:53,500 --> 00:23:54,668 I'll get rid of them. 368 00:23:56,170 --> 00:23:57,137 Hello! 369 00:23:57,171 --> 00:23:58,138 Hello? 370 00:23:58,172 --> 00:23:59,139 Remember me? 371 00:23:59,173 --> 00:24:00,140 Oh, no, I'm... 372 00:24:00,174 --> 00:24:01,542 In the pub-- the tall, thin one 373 00:24:01,575 --> 00:24:02,809 With the mustache, remember? 374 00:24:02,876 --> 00:24:03,844 No, I'm afraid... 375 00:24:03,877 --> 00:24:04,845 About three years ago. 376 00:24:04,878 --> 00:24:05,846 No, I don't, I'm afraid. 377 00:24:05,879 --> 00:24:07,080 Oh, blimey, it's dark in here. 378 00:24:07,147 --> 00:24:08,448 That's better. 379 00:24:08,482 --> 00:24:10,450 Only you said we must have a drink together sometime 380 00:24:10,517 --> 00:24:11,852 So I thought I'd take you up on it 381 00:24:11,885 --> 00:24:13,954 As the film society meeting was canceled this evening. 382 00:24:14,021 --> 00:24:15,155 Yes, but, look, to be frank 383 00:24:15,222 --> 00:24:16,957 It is a little awkward this evening. 384 00:24:17,024 --> 00:24:18,592 Hello, I'm arthur, arthur name. 385 00:24:18,659 --> 00:24:20,227 Name by name but not by nature. 386 00:24:20,294 --> 00:24:22,262 I always say that, don't i, vicky boy? 387 00:24:22,296 --> 00:24:23,263 Really? 388 00:24:23,297 --> 00:24:24,264 Is that your wife? 389 00:24:24,298 --> 00:24:25,399 Uh, no, actually, but... 390 00:24:25,465 --> 00:24:27,634 Oh, I get the picture. 391 00:24:27,701 --> 00:24:30,070 Eh? well, don't worry about me, vicky boy. 392 00:24:30,103 --> 00:24:32,039 I know all about one-night stands. 393 00:24:32,072 --> 00:24:33,207 I beg your pardon! 394 00:24:33,273 --> 00:24:34,241 Mind if I change the record? 395 00:24:34,374 --> 00:24:35,542 No, look, look, we put that on. 396 00:24:35,609 --> 00:24:36,610 Oh, here's a good one. 397 00:24:36,677 --> 00:24:37,744 I heard it in a pub. 398 00:24:37,811 --> 00:24:38,812 What's brown... 399 00:24:38,879 --> 00:24:40,781 What's brown and sounds like a bell? 400 00:24:40,814 --> 00:24:42,049 I beg your pardon? 401 00:24:42,115 --> 00:24:44,051 What's brown and sounds like a bell? 402 00:24:44,985 --> 00:24:46,687 Dung! 403 00:24:47,855 --> 00:24:49,289 That's a good one, that one. 404 00:24:49,323 --> 00:24:50,290 I like that one. 405 00:24:50,390 --> 00:24:51,959 There, I won't keep you long. 406 00:24:53,994 --> 00:24:54,995 Oh, that's better. 407 00:24:55,062 --> 00:24:56,530 Now, don't worry about me. 408 00:24:56,597 --> 00:24:58,665 I'll wait here till you've finished. 409 00:24:59,733 --> 00:25:00,834 Who the hell is that? 410 00:25:00,901 --> 00:25:01,869 Oh, I'll get it. 411 00:25:01,902 --> 00:25:03,136 It'll be friends of mine. 412 00:25:03,203 --> 00:25:04,771 I took the liberty of inviting them along. 413 00:25:04,838 --> 00:25:05,806 Look, we were hoping to have 414 00:25:05,839 --> 00:25:06,807 A quiet evening on our own. 415 00:25:06,840 --> 00:25:08,175 Oh, they won't mind. 416 00:25:08,208 --> 00:25:09,943 They're very broad-minded. 417 00:25:11,011 --> 00:25:12,546 Hello! 418 00:25:12,613 --> 00:25:13,647 Good evening. 419 00:25:13,714 --> 00:25:14,681 Oh, good evening. 420 00:25:14,748 --> 00:25:16,583 My name is equator, brian equator. 421 00:25:16,617 --> 00:25:18,519 Like round the middle of the earth 422 00:25:18,552 --> 00:25:19,520 Only with an "l." 423 00:25:23,891 --> 00:25:25,025 This is my wife, audrey. 424 00:25:25,092 --> 00:25:27,427 She smells a bit, but she has a heart of gold. 425 00:25:29,129 --> 00:25:30,497 Well, there must have been some kind of misunderstanding 426 00:25:30,531 --> 00:25:31,498 Because this is not the... 427 00:25:31,565 --> 00:25:32,533 Oh, who's that then? 428 00:25:32,566 --> 00:25:33,534 What? 429 00:25:33,567 --> 00:25:34,535 Who's the bird? 430 00:25:34,568 --> 00:25:35,736 Well, I mean... 431 00:25:35,802 --> 00:25:37,371 You got a nice pair there, haven't you, love? 432 00:25:37,437 --> 00:25:38,405 Come on, give us a kiss. 433 00:25:40,841 --> 00:25:43,343 Shut up, you silly bitch, it was only a bit of fun. 434 00:25:43,410 --> 00:25:44,711 Now, look here. 435 00:25:44,745 --> 00:25:46,079 Big gin, please. 436 00:25:46,113 --> 00:25:47,080 I'll get it! 437 00:25:47,114 --> 00:25:49,416 Look, leave those drinks alone. 438 00:25:49,449 --> 00:25:51,118 And three tins of beans for me, please. 439 00:25:51,185 --> 00:25:53,654 I told you to lay off the beans, you whore! 440 00:25:53,720 --> 00:25:55,255 I only want three cans! 441 00:25:55,355 --> 00:25:57,291 Button your lip, you rat-bag! 442 00:26:02,196 --> 00:26:04,731 It was rather witty, wasn't it? 443 00:26:04,798 --> 00:26:05,933 Where's my gin? 444 00:26:07,000 --> 00:26:08,468 Who the hell's that? 445 00:26:08,535 --> 00:26:11,505 Oh, why, uh, I took the liberty of inviting an old friend along 446 00:26:11,572 --> 00:26:14,508 As his wife has just passed away and he's somewhat distraught 447 00:26:14,541 --> 00:26:15,542 Poor chap. 448 00:26:15,609 --> 00:26:19,046 I hope you don't mind. 449 00:26:19,079 --> 00:26:21,849 Oh, my god, what a simply ghastly place! 450 00:26:21,915 --> 00:26:23,617 It's not too good, is it? 451 00:26:23,684 --> 00:26:26,420 A pint of creme de menthe for my friend. 452 00:26:26,486 --> 00:26:30,424 Well, how are you, you great poof? 453 00:26:30,457 --> 00:26:31,892 Bit lumpy. 454 00:26:33,227 --> 00:26:35,562 Ah, no wonder, I was sitting on the cat. 455 00:26:36,797 --> 00:26:39,266 I brought along this simply gorgeous little man 456 00:26:39,333 --> 00:26:41,435 I picked up at the odeon. 457 00:26:41,502 --> 00:26:43,971 Is he sexy, then? 458 00:26:45,239 --> 00:26:47,708 I had to bring the goat and he's not well. 459 00:26:47,774 --> 00:26:51,445 I only hope he don't go on the carpet. 460 00:26:51,512 --> 00:26:54,515 Come on, then, love, drop them. 461 00:26:57,784 --> 00:27:00,454 Blimey, she don't go much, do she? 462 00:27:05,459 --> 00:27:06,593 Oh! I wet them. 463 00:27:08,629 --> 00:27:11,331 The goat's... goat's done a bundle. 464 00:27:13,667 --> 00:27:15,202 Nice to see you. 465 00:27:15,269 --> 00:27:17,171 Look, get out, all of you. 466 00:27:17,204 --> 00:27:19,673 Go on, get out! get out! get out! 467 00:27:19,740 --> 00:27:21,341 I beg your pardon? 468 00:27:21,408 --> 00:27:22,776 I'm turning you all out. 469 00:27:22,809 --> 00:27:24,444 I'm not having my house filled with filthy perverts. 470 00:27:24,511 --> 00:27:25,812 Now, look, I'm giving just half a minute. 471 00:27:25,846 --> 00:27:27,314 Then I'm going to call the police, so get out. 472 00:27:27,381 --> 00:27:30,117 I don't much like the tone of your voice. 473 00:27:31,718 --> 00:27:34,188 Right, let's have a ding dong. 474 00:27:35,322 --> 00:27:37,991 Ding dong! merrily on high 475 00:27:38,058 --> 00:27:40,027 In heav'n the bells are ringing... 476 00:27:41,128 --> 00:27:43,230 Ding dong! verily the sky 477 00:27:43,297 --> 00:27:46,200 Is riv'n with angels singing 478 00:27:46,233 --> 00:27:53,607 Glor-or-or-ia 479 00:27:53,640 --> 00:27:56,043 Hosanna in excelsis. 480 00:27:56,076 --> 00:27:57,244 cuida... 481 00:27:57,377 --> 00:28:00,347 cuidado llamas!