It's...
Monty python's flying circus.
Well, where is he?
Hmm... hmm.
Well, what is it, dear?
It's from the bbc.
They want to know if I want to be in a sketch on telly.
Ooh, that's nice.
Why, it's acting, isn't it?
Yes.
Well, I'm a plumber.
I can't act.
Oh, you never know till you try.
Look at mrs. brando's son next door.
He was mending the fridge when they came
And asked him to be the wild one.
What do they want you to do?
Well, they just want me to stand at a counter
And when the sketch starts, I'll go out.
Oh, that sounds nice.
That's what they call a walk-on.
Walk-on?
That's a walk-off, that's what this is.
Where is he, georgie?
He should have been here hours ago.
He bloody should have been.
What else did it say?
It just says
"we would like you to be in a sketch.
"you are standing at a counter.
"when the sketch starts, you go off.
Yours faithfully, lord hill."
Oh, well, you better be off, then.
Well, what about the cat?
Oh, I'll look after the cat.
Goodness me, mrs. newman's oldest
Never worried about the cat
When he went off to do the sweet bird of youth.
All right, then, all right.
Bye-bye, dear.
Bye-bye, and mind you, don't get seduced.
It'll make a change from plumbing.
Dad, frank's got a television part.
You missed him.
Good morning.
I'm a bank robber.
Uh, please don't panic.
Just hand over all your money.
This is a lingerie shop, sir.
Fine, fine.
Fine.
Adopt, adapt and improve.
Motto of the round table.
Well, um...
What have you got?
Uh, we've got corsets, stockings, suspender belts
Tights, bras, slips, petticoats
Knickers, socks and garters, sir.
Fine, fine.
Um... no large piles of money in safes?
No, sir.
No deposit accounts?
No, sir.
No piles of cash in easy-to-carry bags?
None at all, sir.
No luncheon vouchers?
No, sir.
Fine, fine.
Well, um...
Adopt, adapt and improve.
Just a pair of knickers then, please.
Well, that was a bit of fun, wasn't it?
And a special good evening to you.
Not just an ordinary good evening
Like you get from all the other announcers
But a special good evening from me...
To you.
Well, what have we got next?
This is fun, isn't it?
Look, I'm sorry if I'm interrupting anything
That any of you may be doing at home
But I want you to think of me as an old queen...
Friend.
Well, let's see what we've got next.
In a few moments, it's a tree
And in the chair as usual is arthur tree
And starring in the show
Will be a host of star guests as his star guests.
And then at 9:30, we've got another rollicking half hour
Of laughter-packed squalor
With yes, it's the sewage farm attendants.
And this week, dan falls into a vat of human dung
With hilarious consequences.
But now it's the glittering world of show business
With arthur tree.
Hello, hello, people, and welcome to it's a tree.
We have some really exciting guests for you this evening--
A fabulous spruce back from a tour of holland;
Three gum trees
Making their first appearance in this country;
Scots pine and the conifers; and elm tree bole--
There you go, can't be bad--
An exciting new american plank;
A rain forest and a bucket of sawdust
Giving their views on teenage violence;
And an unusual guest for this program--
A piece of laminated plastic.
Hi there.
But first, will you please, please welcome
A block of wood.
Well, block, nice to have you on the show again.
Well, uh, thanks, tree.
I got to pay the rent.
Super.
Well, what have you been doing, block?
Well, I've just been starring
In several major multimillion- dollar international films
And during breaks on the set, I've been designing a cathedral
Doing wonderful unpublicized work for charity
Uh, finishing my history of the world, of course
Pulling the birds...
Oh!
Uh, photographing royalty on the loo
Averting world war iii-- can't be bad-- and, uh...
Learning to read.
The full renaissance bit, really.
Super, super.
Well, I've got to stop you there, block, I'm afraid
Because we've got someone
Who's been doing cabaret in the new forest.
From america, will you welcome, please
A chippendale writing desk.
Thank you, mr. tree.
I'd now like to do a few impersonations
Of some of my favorite englishmen.
First off, long john sliver.
Arg, jim boy, arg, arg.
And now, edward heath.
Hello, sailor.
Now, a short scene from a play by harold splinter.
Wasn't that just great, ladies and gentlemen?
But wait a minute.
We've got something else I just know you're going to love.
Yes, sir, coming right up
The vocational guidance counselor sketch.
Vocational guidance counselor
Vocational guidance counselor.
Ah, mr. anchovy.
Do sit down.
Thank you.
Take the weight off the feet, eh?
Yes, yes.
Lovely weather
For the time of year, I must say.
Enough of this gay banter.
And now, mr. anchovy
You asked us to advise you
Which job in life
You were best suited for.
That is correct, yes.
Well, I now have the results here of the interviews
And the aptitude tests that you took last week
And from them, we've built up a pretty clear picture
Of the sort of person that you are
And I think I can say without fear of contradiction
That the ideal job for you is chartered accountancy.
But I am a chartered accountant.
Jolly good.
Well, back to the office with you, then.
No, no, no, you don't understand.
I've been a chartered accountant for the last 20 years.
I want a new job-- something exciting that will let me live.
Well, chartered accountancy's rather exciting, isn't it?
Exciting?!
No, it's not!
It's dull, dull, dull.
My god, it's dull.
It's so desperately dull and tedious
And stuffy and boring and desperately dull.
Well, uh, yes, mr. anchovy
But you see, your report here says
That you are an extremely dull person.
You see, our experts describe you
As an appallingly dull fellow
Unimaginative, timid, lacking in initiative
Spineless, easily dominated
No sense of humor, tedious company
And irrepressibly drab and awful.
And whereas in most professions
These would be considerable drawbacks
In chartered accountancy, they're a positive boon.
But you see, I came here to find a new job, a new life
A new meaning to my existence.
Can't you help me?
Well, do you have any idea
Of what you want to do?
Yes, yes, I have.
What?
Lion taming.
Yes, yes, of course, it's a bit of a jump, isn't it?
I mean, chartered accountancy to lion taming in one go.
You don't think it might be better
If you worked your way towards lion taming
Say, via banking or...
No! no, no, no, no, no!
I don't want to wait.
At 9:00 tomorrow
I want to be in there taming.
Fine, fine, but do you...
Do you have any qualifications?
Yes, I've got a hat.
A hat?
Yes, a hat, a lion taming hat.
A hat with "lion tamer" on it.
I got it at harrods.
And it lights up, saying "lion tamer"
In great, big neon letters
So you can tame them after dark when they're less stroppy.
I see, I see.
And you can claim reasonable wear and tear--
Switch it off during the daytime--
As allowable professional expenses...
Yes, yes, yes
I do follow the strategy, but you see, the snag is
If I now call mr. chipperfield and say to him
"look here, I've got
"a 45-year-old chartered accountant with me
Who wants to become a lion tamer"
His first question is not going to be
"does he have his own hat?"
He's going to ask
What sort of experience you've had with lions.
Well, I've seen them at the zoo.
Good, good, good.
Yes, they're brown, furry things
With short, stumpy legs and great, long noses.
I don't know what all the fuss is about.
I could tame one of those.
They look pretty tame to start with.
And these, um, these lions, how high are they?
Well, they're about so high, you know.
They don't frighten me at all.
Really?
And do these lions eat ants?
Yes, that's right.
Uh, well, mr. anchovy
I'm afraid what you've got hold of there is an anteater.
A what?
An anteater, not a lion.
You see, a lion is a huge, savage beast
About five feet high, ten feet long, weighing about 400 pounds
Running 40 miles an hour with masses of sharp, pointed teeth
And nasty, long, razor-sharp claws
That could rip your belly open
Before you could say "eric robinson."
And they look like this.
Time enough, I think, for a piece of wood.
The larch.
Now, shall I call mr. chipperfield?
Uh, no, no, no, no.
I think your idea
Of making the transition to lion taming
Via easy stages, say, via insurance or...
Banking.
Or banking, banking, yes, banking.
That's a man's life, isn't it?
Banking-- travel, excitement, adventure
Thrills, decisions affecting people's lives.
Jolly good.
Shall I put you
In touch with the bank?
Yes...
No, no, no.
Look, it's a big decision.
I'd like just a couple of weeks
To think about it, you know?
Don't want to jump into it too quickly.
Maybe three weeks.
I could let you know definitely then.
Well, this is just one of the all-too-many cases
On our books of chartered accountancy.
The only way that we can fight
This terrible, debilitating social disease
Is by informing the general public of its consequences
By showing young people...
Perhaps I could do it, just for a bit...
That it's just not worth it.
So please, give generously to this address:
Oh!
Well, that was fun, wasn't it?
No, it wasn't, you fairy.
Oh, hello, sailor.
Here, you wouldn't have got on one of our voyages.
They were all dead butch.
Mmm, that's not what I've heard.
There is an epic quality about the sea
Which has throughout history
Stirred the hearts and minds of englishmen of all nations.
Sir francis drake, captain webb, nelson of trafalgar
And scott of the antarctic
All rose to the challenge of the mighty ocean.
And today, another englishman may add his name
To the golden roll of history: mr. ron obvious of neaps end
For today, ron obvious hopes to be the first man
To jump the channel.
Ron, now, let's just get this quite clear--
You're intending to jump across the english channel.
Oh, yes, that is correct, yes.
And just how far is that?
Oh, well, it's 26 miles from here to calais.
That's to the beach at calais?
Well, no, no, provided I get a good lift-off
And maybe a gust of breeze over the french coast
I shall be jumping into the center of calais itself.
Are you using any special techniques
To jump this great distance?
Oh, no, no.
I shall be using
An ordinary two-footed jump
Straight up in the air
And across the channel.
I see.
Ron, what is the furthest distance
That you've jumped so far?
Oh, uh, 11 foot, six inches at motspur park on july 22.
But I have done nearly 12 feet unofficially.
I see, uh... ron, ron, aren't you worried
Ron, aren't you worried jumping 26 miles across the sea?
Oh, no, no, no.
It is, in fact, easier
To jump over sea than over dry land.
Well, how is that?
Well, my manager explained it to me.
You see, if you're five miles out
Over the english channel
With nothing but sea underneath you
There is a very great impetus
To stay in the air.
I see, well, uh, thank you very much, ron
And the very best of luck.
Thank you, thank you.
The man behind ron's cross-channel jump
Is his manager, mr. luigi vercotti.
Mr. vercotti... mr. vercotti.
Mr. vercotti.
What?
Mr. vercotti...
I don't know what you're talking about.
Uh, no, we're from the bbc, mr. vercotti.
Who?
The bbc.
Oh, oh, I see.
I thought... I thought you were the, um...
I like the police a lot.
I've got lots of time for them.
Well, uh, mr. vercotti
What is your chief task as ron's manager?
Well, my main task
Is to fix a sponsor for the big jump.
And who is the sponsor?
The chippenham brick company.
They pay all the bills, in return for which
Ron will be carrying half a hundredweight of their bricks.
I see.
Well, it looks as if ron is ready now.
He's got the bricks.
He's had his passport checked and he's all set to go.
And he's off on the first-ever cross-channel jump.
Will ron be trying the cross-channel jump again soon?
No, no, I'm taking him off the jumps
Because I've got something lined up for ron next week
That I think is very much more up his street.
What's that?
Ron is going to eat chichester cathedral.
Well, there he goes, ron obvious of neaps end
In an attempt which could make him
The first man ever to eat an entire anglican cathedral.
Well, uh, I think, david
This is something
Which ron and i are really keen on.
Ron is going to tunnel
From godalming here to java here.
Java.
Yeah, I personally think this is going to make ron
A household name overnight.
And how far has he got?
Well, he's quite far now, dave,
Uh, well on the way.
Well on the way, yeah.
Well, where is he, exactly?
Yeah.
Where?
Oh, well, um, you know
It's difficult to say, exactly.
He's, you know, in the area
Of, um...
Ron, how far have you got?
Oh, about two foot, six, mr. vercotti.
Yeah, well, keep digging, lad, keep digging.
Mr. vercotti, are you sure there isn't a spade?
Uh, mr. vercotti, what do you say to people
Who accuse you of exploiting ron
For your own purposes?
Well, that's totally untrue, david.
Ever since I left sicily
I've been trying to do the best for ron.
I know what ron wants to do
I believe in him
And I'm just trying to create
The opportunities for ron
To do the kind of things he wants to do.
And what's he going to do today?
He's going to split a railway carriage
With his nose.
The only difficult bit for ron
Is getting out of earth's atmosphere.
Once he's in orbit, he'll be able to run straight to mercury.
I am now extremely hopeful
That ron will break the world record
For remaining underground.
He's a wonderful boy, this
And he's got this really enormous talent
This really huge talent.
That's a bit sad, isn't it?
Shh, it's satire.
No, it isn't, it's just zany madcap humor.
Oh, is it?
Good morning, I'd like to buy a cat.
Certainly, sir.
Got a lovely terrier.
No, I want a cat, really.
Oh, yeah.
How about that?
Well, that's the terrier.
Well, it's as near as dammit.
Well, what do you mean?-- I want a cat.
Listen, tell you what.
I'll file his legs down a bit, take his snout off
Stick a few wires through his cheeks
There you are, lovely pussycat.
It's not a proper cat.
What do you mean?
He wouldn't meow.
Well, it would howl a bit.
No, no, no, no.
Have you got a parrot?
I'm afraid not, actually, guv, we're fresh out of parrots.
Tell you what, though, I'll lop its back legs off, make good
Strip the fur, stick a couple of wings on
And staple on a beak of your own choice.
No problem, lovely parrot.
How long would that take?
Oh, let me see
Stripping the fur off, no legs...
Harry?
Yeah.
Can you do a parrot job on this, uh
Can you do a parrot job on this terrier straight away?
No, I'm still putting a tuck in the airedale
And then I've got the frogs to let out.
Friday?
No, I need it for tomorrow; it's a present.
Oh, dear, it's a long job, you see, parrot conversion.
Uh, tell you what, though, for free
Terriers make lovely fish.
I mean, I would do that for you straight away.
Legs off, fins on, stick a little pipe
Through the back of its neck
So he can breathe
A bit of gold paint. make good.
You'd need a very big tank.
It's a great conversation piece.
Yeah, all right, all right.
But... only if I can watch.
Oh, I thought that was a bit predictable.
It's been done before.
Yeah, we did it for caesar's christmas show.
No, you didn't.
You did jackand the beanstalk.
Here, what was that picture?
Shh... next.
Good morning... mr. phipps?
That's right, yes.
Um, do take a seat.
Right, sir.
Now, could you tell us, roughly
Why you want to become a librarian?
Well, I've had a certain amount of experience
Running a library at school.
Yes, yes, what sort of experience?
Well, for a time I ran the upper science library.
Yes, yes.
Now, mr. phipps, of course you do realize
That the post of librarian carries with it
Certain very important responsibilities.
I mean, there's the selection of books
The record library and the art gallery.
Now, it seems to me that your greatest disadvantage is
Your lack of professional experience
Coupled with the fact that being a gorilla
You would tend to frighten people.
Uh, is he a gorilla?
Yes, he is.
Why doesn't it say on his form
That he's a gorilla?
Well, you see
Applicants are not required to fill in their species.
What was that picture?
Shh!
Mr. phipps, what is your attitude
Towards censorship in the public library?
How do you mean, sir?
Well, I mean for instance
Would you stock last exit to brooklyn or groupie?
Yes, I think so.
Good.
Yes, well, that seems to be very sensible, mr. phipps.
I can't pretend that this library
Hasn't had its difficulties.
Mr. robertson-- your predecessor--
An excellent librarian, savaged three people last week
And had to be destroyed.
I'm sorry, sir.
Oh, no, don't be sorry.
You see, I don't believe
That libraries should be drab places
Where people sit in silence
And that's been the main reason
For our policy of employing
Wild animals as librarians.
And also they're much more permissive.
Pumas keep hank janson on open shelves.
Yes, mr. phipps.
Mr. phipps, I love seeing the customers
When they come in to complain
About some book being damaged
And ask to see the chief librarian
And then you should see their faces
When the proud beast leaps from his tiny office
Snatches the book from their hands and sinks his fangs
Into their soft...
Mr. phipps-- kong--
You can be our next librarian.
You're proud, majestic and fierce enough.
Will you do it?
I don't think I can, sir.
Why not?
I'm not really a gorilla.
I'm a librarian in a skin.
Why this deception?
Well, they said it would be
The best way to get a job.
Get out, mr. librarian phipps
Seeing as you're not a gorilla
But only dressed up as one
Trying to deceive us
In order to further your career!
Next?
Ah, mr. pattinson, sit!
"dear mirror view
"I would like to be paid five guineas
"for saying something stupid about a television show.
Yours sincerely, mrs. sybil agro."
"dear david jacobs, east grinstead, friday.
"why should I have to pay 64 guineas each year
"for my television license when I can buy one for six?
"yours, sincerely, captain r.h. pretty.
"p.s.-- support rhodesia, cut motor taxes
Save the argylls, running-in please pass."
"dear old codgers
"some friends of mine and i have formed a consortium
"and, working with sophisticated drilling equipment
"we have discovered extensive nickel deposits
"off western scotland.
The cincinnati mining company."
"good for you, ma'am!"
"dear old codgers
"I am president of the united states of america.
Yours truly, r.m. nixon."
"phew! bet that's a job and a half, ma'am."
"dear sir, I am over 3,000 years old
And would like to see any scene with two people in bed."
"bet that's a link, ma'am."
Vera, vera, darling!
Wake up, my little lemon.
Come to my arms.
Oh, maurice, what are you doing here?
I could not keep away from you.
I must have you all the time.
Oh, this is most inconvenient.
Don't talk to me about convenience.
Love consumes my naughty mind.
I'm delirious with desire.
What's that, vera?
Oh, uh, nothing, dear
Just a trick of the light.
Righto.
Phew, that was close!
Now, then, my little banana
My little fruit salad.
I can wait for you no longer.
You must be mine, utterly.
Oh, maurice.
Vera!
How dare you!
Roger!
What's the meaning of this?
Oh, I can explain everything, my darling.
Who's this?
This is maurice zatapathique, roger thompson.
Roger thompson, maurice zatapathique.
How do you do?
How could you do this to me, vera
After all we've been through?
Damn it, I love you.
Vera, don't you understand?
It's me that loves you.
What's happening, vera?
Oh, nothing, dear.
Just a twig brushing against the window.
Righto!
Come to me, vera.
Oh, not now, roger.
Vera, my little hedgehog
Don't turn me away.
Oh, it cannot be, maurice.
Hands off, you filthy bally froggie.
Oh, ken, ken biggles!
Yes, algy is here as well.
Algy braithwaite?
That's right, vera.
Oh, god, you know
We both still bally love you.
Oh, biggles!
Algy!
Oh, but how wonderful!
What's happening, vera?
Oh, nothing, dear, just the toilet filling up.
Righto!
Excuse me, could you tell me
Where is mrs. vera jackson, please?
Yes, right and right again.
muchas gracias.
Righto!
Oh, vera
Remember acapulco in the springtime.
Oh, the herman rodrigues four!
Vera! I distinctly heard
A mexican rhythm combo.
Oh, no, dear, it was just
The electric blanket switching off.
Oh... well, I'm going for a tinkle.
No, you can't do that.
Here, we haven't finished the sketch yet!
Dash it all
There's only another bally page.
I say, there's no one to react to.
Don't talk to the camera.
Oh, sorry.
It's no good you coming in.
He's gone and left the sketch.
Yes, he went for a tinkle.
Ooh.
Shh...
I think my wife is beginning
To suspect something.
I felt that ending was a bit predictable.
Yes, indeed, there was a certain lack of originality.
However, it's not necessarily a good thing just to be different.
No... quite, there is equal humor
In the conventional.
But on the other hand, is it what the public wants?
I mean, with the new permissiveness
Not to mention the balance of payments
And the undeniable fact that...
I agree with that completely.
That's it, I'm getting out of this show
Before it's too late.
Too late!