It's...
Monty python's flying circus.
I know you're down there.
Hey, did you see that?
Hmm?
Did you see somebody go past the window?
What?
Somebody just went past the window, that way.
Oh.
Another one.
Hmm?
Another one just went past downwards.
What?
Two people have just fallen
Out of that window to their almost certain death.
Fine, fine, fine.
Look!
Two people...
Three people
Have just fallen
Past that window.
Must be a board meeting.
Oh, yeah.
Hey, that was wilkins of finance.
Oh, no, that was robertson.
Wilkins.
Robertson.
Wilkins.
Robertson.
That was wilkins.
He was a good, uh, good golfer, wilkins.
Very good golfer, very good golfer.
Rotten at finance.
It'll be parkinson next.
Bet you it won't.
How much?
What?
How much do you bet it won't?
Fiver?
All right.
Done.
You're on.
Fine.
Come on, parky.
Don't do it, parky.
Jump, parky, jump. come on, now, be sensible, parky.
Dear sir, I am writing to complain
About that sketch about people falling out of a high building.
I have worked all my life in such a building
And have never once...
Parkinson!
Johnson!
My god, this is terrible!
Would somebody please stop it?!
Lord knows that.
Let's try it this way.
Alakazam!
Alacadabra! alakazam!
Alacadabra...
Hello!
tonight, spectrum looks at one of the major problems
In the world today--
The whole vexed question of what is going on.
Is there still time to confront it
Let alone solve it, or is it too late?
What are the figures, what are the facts?
What do people mean when they talk about things?
Alexander hardacre of the economic affairs bureau.
In this graph
This column represents 23% of the population.
This column represents 28% of the population
And this column represents 43% of the population.
Telling figures indeed, but what do they mean to you?
What do they mean to me?
What do they mean to the average man in the street?
With me now is professor tiddles of leeds university.
Professor, you've spent many years researching into things.
What do you think?
I think it's too early to tell.
Too early to tell, too early to say.
It means the same thing.
The word "say" is the same as the word "tell."
They're not spelled the same, but they mean the same.
It's an identical situation we have with "ship" and "boat"
But not the same as we have with "bow" and "bough"--
Different spellings and meanings, but sound the same.
But the real question remains:
What is the solution, if any, to this problem?
What can we do? what am I saying?
Why am I sitting in this chair?
Why am I here and what will I say next?
Here to answer this is a professional cricketer.
I can say nothing at this point.
You were wrong. professor?
Hello.
So, where do we stand? where do we sit?
Where do we come? where do we go?
What do we do? what do we say?
What do we eat? what do we drink?
What do we think? what do we do?
Sorry!
Hello.
Mr. and mrs. johnson, isn't it?
That's right, yes.
Well, come on in.
Excuse me not shaking hands
But I've just been putting
A bit of lard on the cat's boil.
Very nice.
Well, you must be tired.
It's a long drive
From coventry, isn't it?
Yes, well, we usually reckon on 51/2 hours
And it took us six hours and 53 minutes
With a 25-minute wait at frampton cottrell
To stretch our legs
Only we had to wait half an hour
To get on to the m5 near droitwich.
Really?
There was
A three-mile queue just before bridgwater on the a38
Only normally we come round on the b3339
Just before bridgwater, you see.
Really?
We risked it
Because they say
They're going to widen it there.
Are they?
Just there
At the intersection where the a372 joins up
There's plenty of room to widen it there.
There's only the grass verges.
They could get another six feet
Knock down that hospital.
Then we took the coast road through williton
And got all the taunton traffic on the a358
From crowcombe and stogumber.
Well, you must be dying for a cup of tea.
Well, wouldn't say "no," not if it's warm and wet.
Well, come on in the lounge.
I'm just about to serve afternoon tea.
Very nice.
Come on in, mr. and mrs. johnson.
Oh, this is
Mr. and mrs. phillips.
Good afternoon.
It's their third year with us.
We can't keep you away, can we?
And over here
Is mr. hilter.
Ah, good time, good afternoon.
Planning a little excursion
Are we, mr. hilter?
uh, ja, ja!
We make a little...
was ist ruckweise bewegen?
"hike."
Hiking.
We make a little hike for...
For bideford.
Oh, well, you'll be wanting the a39 then.
No, no, you've got the wrong map there.
This is stalingrad.
You want the ilfracombe
And barnstaple section.
Ah, hein... reginald
You have the wrong map here
You silly old leg-before-wicket english person.
i'm sorry, mein fuhrer.
I did not...
mein dickie, old chum.
Lucky mr. johnson
Pointed that out, eh?
You wouldn't have had much fun
In stalingrad, would you?
I said you wouldn't have had much fun
In stalingrad, would you?
Not much fun in stalingrad, no.
Oh, I'm sorry
I didn't introduce you.
This is ron... ron ribbentrop.
Oh, not von ribbentrop?
nein! nein! nein!
Oh... no, he different other chap.
No, I in somerset am being born.
Von ribbentrop is born in gotterammerstrasse 46
Dusseldorf, west eight...
So they say!
And this is the quiet one, mr. bimmler.
Heimlich bimmler.
How do you do there, squire?
Also I am not minehead lad
But I in peterborough, lincolnshire house
Was given birth to
But stay in peterborough, lincolnshire house
All during war, owing to nasty running sores
And was unable to go in the streets
play fussball or go to nurnberg.
I am retired window cleaner and pacifist
Without doing war crimes.
And am very glad england win world cup
Bobby charlton and martin peters
And eating lots of chips and fish
And toad in the holes
And dundee cake on piccadilly line
Don't you know, old chap
And was head of gestapo for ten years...
Five years!
oh! no, no, nein
I was not head of gestapo at all.
I make joke.
Oh, mr. bimmler
You do have us on.
Oh, excuse me
I must just go and answer that.
Uh, how long you down here for, mr. hilter?
Just the fortnight?
Why do you ask that?
You a spy or something?
Get over there against the wall, britischer pig.
You're going to die.
Take it easy, dickie, old chum.
I'm sorry, mr. johnson.
He's a bit on edge.
He hasn't slept since 1945.
Shut your cake hole, you nazi.
cool it, fuhrer cat.
The fun we have.
Haven't I seen him
On the television?
nicht, nein, nein... oh, no.
Television doctor?
No! no!
Telephone, mr. hilter.
It's that nice mr. mcgoering
From the bell and compasses.
He says he's found a place
Where you can hire bombers by the hour.
If he opens his big mouth again, it's lampshade time!
Shut up!
Hire bombers by the hour.
What a laugh he is, that scottish person!
Good old norman.
He's on the telephone the whole time nowadays.
In business, is he?
Soon, baby.
Course, it's his big day, thursday.
Oh, they've been planning it for months.
What happens then?
Oh, it's the north minehead by-election.
Mr. hilter's standing as a national bocialist candidate.
He's got wonderful plans for minehead.
Like what?
Well, for a start
He wants to annex poland.
Oh, north minehead's
Conservative, isn't it?
Well, they get a lot of people at their rallies.
Rallies?
Well, their bocialist meetings
Down at the axis cafe in rosedale road.
achtung, achtung!
uber alles!
die eltern im mittelalter und die jungen
alles muss mit dem mittelschmerz gestoppen sein!
I... am not a racialist...
but-- und this is a big "but"--
We in the national bocialist party believe
das uberleben...
muss gestammen sein mit der schneakyarmstrong-jones.
historische taunton ist volkermeinig von meinhead.
Mr. hitler...
Hilter... he says that historically
Taunton...
Is part of minehead already.
He's right, do you know that?
und bridgwater ist die letzte fuhlung
das wir haben in somerset!
sieg heil! sieg heil!
What do you think of mr. hilter's policies?
Well, I don't like the sound
Of these here boncentration bamps.
Well, I gave him my baby to kiss and he bit it on the head.
Well, I think he'd do a lot of good for the stock exchange.
No, no.
Oh, yes, britischer pals
he is wunderbar... ful, ja.
I think he's right about the coons
But then I'm a bit mental.
I think he's got beautiful legs.
Well, speaking as conservative candidate
I just drone on and on and on and on
Never letting anyone else get a word in edgewise
Until I start foaming at the mouth
And falling over backwards.
Foam at the mouth and fall over backwards.
Is he foaming at the mouth to fall over backwards
Or falling over backwards to foam at the mouth?
tonight's spectrum examines the whole question
Of frothing and falling, coughing and calling
Screaming and bawling, walling and stalling
Galling and mauling, palling and hauling
Trawling and squalling and zalling.
Zalling? is there a word "zalling?"
If there is, what does it mean?
If there isn't, what does it mean?
Perhaps both, maybe neither.
What do I mean by the word "mean"?
What do I mean by the word "word"?
What do I mean by "what do I mean?"
What do I mean by "do" and what do I do by "mean"?
What do I do by do by do?
And what do I mean by wasting your time like this? good night.
Good night.
Good evening, I wish to report a burglary.
Speak up, please, sir.
I wish to report a burglary.
I can't hear you, sir.
I wish to report a burglary!
That's a little bit too loud.
Could you say it
Just a little less loud than that?
I wish to report a burglary!
No, I'm still not getting anything.
Uh, could you try it in a higher register?
What do you mean, in a higher register?
What?
I wish to report a burglary.
That's it, wait a moment.
Now, a little bit louder.
I wish to report a burglary!
Report a what?
Burglary!!
That's it, now keep it there.
Hello, sarge!
Evening, charlie.
I was sitting at home
With a friend of mine from camber sands
When we heard a noise in the bedroom!
We went to investigate and found £5,000 stolen!
Well, I'm afraid I'm off duty now, sir.
Uh, could you tell sergeant foster?
I was sitting at home
With a friend of mine from camber sands!
Excuse me, sir, but, uh, why the funny voice?
Oh, I'm terribly sorry.
I'd just got used to talking like that to the other sergeant.
I'm terribly sorry, I can't hear you, sir.
Could you try speaking in a lower register?
What? oh.
I wish to report the loss of £5,000.
£5,000? that's serious.
You'd better speak to the detective inspector.
What seems to be the trouble, sergeant?
Well, this gentleman, sir, has come in
To report that he was sitting at home with a friend
When he heard a noise in the back room
Went round to investigate
And found that £5,000 in savings had been stolen.
I see.
Where do you live, sir?
121 halliwell road, dulwich, se21.
Another halliwell road job, eh, sergeant?
Yes, I can't believe it.
I thought the bloke who'd done that
Was put inside last year.
Yes, in parkhurst.
Well, it must have been somebody else.
Thank you, sergeant.
We'll get things moving right away.
You take over here, sergeant.
Alert all squad cars in the area.
Hello, darling
I'm afraid I shall be late.
Calling all squad cars in the area.
I think that's in very bad taste.
Some people do talk in the most extraordinary way.
Good afternoon, and welcome to hurlingham park.
You join us just as the competitors are running out
Onto the field on this lovely winter's afternoon here
With the going firm underfoot and very little sign of rain.
Well, it certainly looks
As though we're in for a splendid afternoon's sport
In this, the 127th "upper-class twit of the year" show.
Well, the competitors will be off any moment
So let me just identify them for you.
Vivian smith-smythe-smith has o-level in chemo-hygiene.
Simon-zinc-trumpet-harris
Married to a very attractive table lamp.
Nigel incubator-jones-- his best friend is a tree
And in his spare time, he's a stockbroker.
Gervaise brook-hampster is in the guards
And his father uses him as a wastepaper basket.
And finally, oliver st. john- mollusc, harrow and the guards
Thought by many to be this year's outstanding twit.
Now they're moving out to the starting line.
There's a jolly good crowd here today.
Now they're under starter's orders
And...
They're off!
Oh, no, they're not.
No, they didn't realize they were supposed to start.
Never mind, we'll soon sort that out.
The judge is explaining it to them now.
I think nigel and gervaise have got the idea.
All set to go.
Oh, and they're off.
And it's a fast start this year.
Oliver st. john-mollusc running a bit wide there
And now they're coming into their first test--
The straight line.
They've got to walk along this straight line
Without falling over.
And oliver's over at the back there...
Uh, simon's coming through quite fast on the outside.
I think simon and nigel...
Both of them coming through very fast.
There's nigel there, number three, I'm sorry.
And on the outside, there's gervaise
Coming through just out of shot.
And now, the positions:
Simon and vivian at the front coming to the matchbox jump--
Three layers of matchboxes to clear.
And simon's over and vivian's over beautifully.
Oh, the jump of a lifetime--
If only his father could understand.
Here's nigel... he's confused.
No, gervaise is over.
He's, uh... nigel is over...
He's only just hit the top.
And now it's gervaise.
Gervaise is going to jump.
Is it... no, he's jumped the wrong way.
There he goes.
Nigel's over beautifully.
Now it's only oliver, oliver and gervaise...
Oh, bad luck.
And now it's "kicking the beggar."
Simon's there, and he's putting the boot in
And not terribly hard
But he's going down, so simon can move on.
Now vivian's there.
Vivian is there and waiting for a chance.
Here he comes.
Oh, a real pile driver, a real pile driver.
And now simon's at number one; vivian, two;
Nigel, three; gervaise at four; and oliver bringing up the rear.
Uh... there's oliver, there's oliver now.
He's at the back.
I think he's having a little trouble
With his old brain in jury.
He's going to have a go...
No, no, bad luck.
He's up, he doesn't know when he's beaten, this boy.
He doesn't know when he's winning either.
He doesn't have any sort of sensory apparatus known to man.
He's now standing up... oh, bad luck.
Oh, there's gervaise putting the boot in there.
There's no need for him to do this.
He's got the beggar down.
The steward's giving him a little bit of advice.
Yes, he can move on now.
He can move on to the hunt photograph.
There's gerv... I think he's... yes, he's off.
Gervaise is there, and oliver's still at the back
Having trouble with the matchboxes.
Now, here's the hunt ball photograph.
And the first here is simon.
He's going to en joy a joke with lady arabella plunkett.
She hopes to go into films.
And vivian's through there
And nigel's there en joying a joke
With lady sarah pencil farthing vivian steamroller
Adams pie biscuit aftershave gore stringbottom smith.
And there's... and there's simon now in the sports car.
He's reversed into the old woman.
He's caught her absolutely beautifully.
Now he's going to accelerate forward there
To wake up the neighbor.
There's vivian, I think... no, vivian's lost his keys...
No, there's vivian!
He's got the old woman, slowly but surely
Right in the midriff, and here he is.
Here he is to wake up the neighbor now.
Simon right in the lead, comfortably in the lead
But he can't get this neighbor woken up.
He's slamming away there as best he can.
He's getting absolutely no reaction at all.
There! there, he's woken him up and simon's through.
Here comes vivian... vivian to slam the door.
And there we are back at the hunt ball.
I think that's gervaise.
Yes, that's gervaise going through there.
And here... here comes oliver, brave oliver.
Is he going to make it to the table?
No, I don't think he is.
Yes, he is.
Oh! what a great twit!
And the crowd are really rising to him there.
And there, I can see... who is that there?
Yes, that's nigel.
Nigel has woken the neighbor.
My god, this is exciting!
Nigel's very excited, he's going through.
Here comes gervaise.
Gervaise... oh, no, this is, uh...
Out in the front there is simon
Who is supposed to insult the waiter
And he's forgotten.
And oliver has run himself over.
What a great twit!
And there... now here comes vivian.
Vivian to insult the waiter, and he is heaping abuse on him
And he is humiliating him there.
And he's gone into the lead.
Simon's not with him.
No, vivian's... has hit the bar.
Now they've got to get over this bar.
This is extremely difficult
As it requires absolutely expert coordination
Between mind and body.
No, they're hitting it there.
Here we go again.
Simon's fallen backwards.
Here's nigel, and he's tripped.
Nigel has tripped, and he's under
And simon fails again.
Now here is gervaise, going to jump through
And simon is through by accident.
Here's gervaise to be the last one over.
Here we are.
Here's nigel right at the head of the field
And now he's going to shoot the rabbit.
These rabbits have been tied to the ground
And they're going to be a bit frisky.
And this is only a one-day event.
And they're blazing away there.
They're not getting quite the results that they might.
Gervaise is in there
Trying to bash it to death with the butt of his rifle.
And I think nigel's in there with his bare hands
But they're not getting the results they might
But it is a little bit misty today
And they must be shooting from a range of at least a foot.
But there's a couple of hits there, I think.
Yes, they've had a couple of hits
And the whole field is up again and here they are.
They're coming up to the debs--
Gervaise first, vivian second, simon third.
And now they've got to take the bras off from the front.
This is really difficult.
This is really the most difficult part
Of the entire competition.
And they're having a bit of trouble in there, I think.
They're really trying now and the crowd is getting excited
And I think some of the twits are getting rather excited, too.
But anyway, vivian is there, vivian is coming through.
Simon's in second place and... oh, there's oliver.
He's dead, but he's not necessarily out of it.
There goes nigel.
No, he's lost something.
And gervaise running through to this final obstacle.
Now, all they have to do here to win the title is
To shoot themselves.
Simon has a go-- bad luck, he misses.
Nigel misses.
Now, there's gervaise, and gervaise has shot himself.
Gervaise is upper-class twit of the year.
There's nigel-- he's shot simon by mistake.
Simon is second and there's nigel.
Nigel's shot himself.
Nigel is third in this fine
And most exciting upper-class twit of the year I've ever seen.
Wait-- nigel's clubbed himself into fourth place.
And so the final result: the upper-class twit of the year--
Gervaise brook-hampster of kensington and weybridge;
Runner-up-- vivian smith- smythe-smith of kensington;
And third-- nigel incubator- jones of henley.
Well, there'll certainly be some car door slamming
In the streets of kensington tonight.
Dear sir, how splendid it is
To see the flower of british manhood
Wiping itself out with such pluck and tenacity.
Britain need have no fear with leaders of this caliber.
If only a few of the so-called working classes
Would destroy themselves so sportingly.
Yours, etc.
Brigadier mainwaring smith smith smith, etc.
(deceased, etc.)
P.s., etc. come on, other ranks, show your stuff.
Yes, sir, I'll do me best, sir!
No, not good enough.
No, still not good enough.
Yes, that's better.
Hallelu jah, hallelu jah...
Okay, all clear.
Now, I understand
That you want to marry my daughter.
That's right, yeah, yeah.
Yes, you realize, of course
That rosamund is still rather young?
Daddy, you make me feel like a child.
Oh, yeah, you know...
Get them when they're young, eh... eh?
You know what I mean?!
I'm sure you know what I mean, mister...
Uh... shabby, ken shabby.
Mr. shabby, I just want to make sure
That you'll be able to look after my daughter.
Oh, yeah, yeah.
I'll be able to look after her, all right, sport.
Eh? you know what I mean, eh?
And, uh...
What job do you do?
I clean out public lavatories.
Is there a promotion involved?
Oh, yeah, yeah.
After five years, they give me a brush.
I'm sorry, squire, I've gobbed on your carpet.
And, uh... where are you going to live?
Well, round at my gran's.
She trains polecats
But most of them have suffocated
So there should be a bit of spare room in the attic, eh?
Know what I mean?
I see.
And when do you expect to get married?
Oh, right away, sport, right away, you know?
I haven't had it for weeks.
Well, look, I'll phone the bishop
And see if we can get the abbey.
Oh, diarrhea.
the story so far...
rosamund's father has become ensnared
by mr. shabby's extraordinary personal magnetism.
bob and janet ha ve eaten mr. farquar's goldfish
during an oxfam lunch
and mrs. elsmore's marriage is threatened
by doug's insistence that he is
on a different level of consciousness.
louise's hernia has been confirmed
and jim, bob's brother, has run over the editor of the lancet
on his wa y to see jenny, a freelance pagoda designer.
on the other side of the continent
napoleon still broods over the smoldering remains
of a city he had crossed half the earth to conquer
whilstmary, roger's half-sister
settles down to watch television.
there now follows a party political broadcast
on behalf of the wood party.
Good evening.
We in the wood party feel very strongly
That the present weak drafting of the local government bill
Leaves a lot to be desired
And we intend to fight.
Hello?
Hello?!
I'm afraid the minister's fallen through the earth's crust.
Excuse me a moment.
Hello?
Hello.
Are you all right, minister?
I appear to have landed on this kind of ledge thing.
Shall we lower down one of the bbc ropes?
If you'd be so kind.
What length of bbc rope
Will we be likely to need?
I should use the longest bbc rope.
That would be a good idea, I would imagine.
Okey-doke, chief.
Tex, get the longest bbc rope and bring it here pronto.
In the meantime, since I am on all channels
Perhaps I'd better carry on with this broadcast
By shouting about our housing plans
From down here as best as I can.
Could someone throw me down a script?
The script would appear
To have landed on a different ledge
Somewhat out of my grasp, don't you know.
Well, perhaps when the rope reaches you, minister
You could kind of swing over
To the ledge and grab it.
Good idea.
Well, I'm going to carry on
If I can read the script.
Good evening.
We in the wood party...
Feel very strongly about...
The present weak drafting of the local government bill.
And... no, it's no good, it's not working.
I think I'll have to try and make a grab for it.
Ah! there we are.
Good evening.
We in the wood party feel very strongly about the present...
Oh, dear.
Hello!
Look, I must look a bit of a chump
Hanging upside down like this.
Don't worry, minister.
I think, love, if we turn the picture upside down
We should help the minister, then.
Oh, good.
Look, I'm sorry about this.
There seems to be a few gremlins about.
I think I'd better start from the beginning.
Good evening.
We in the wood party feel very strongly about...
Oh, bloody heck!
Oh!
Oh, dear.
Terribly sorry about this...
About saying "bloody heck" on all channels, but...
There's another script on the way down, minister.
Oh, good, good.
Well, um... good evening.
Well, how are you?
Oh, look, I don't want you to think of the wood party
As a load of old men that like hanging around on ropes
Only i... oh...
Thank you.
Good evening.
We in the wood party feel very strongly
About the present weak drafting...
Look, I think we'd better call it a day.
Is this the furthest distance
That a minister has fallen? robert.
Surprisingly not.
The canadian minister for external affairs
Fell nearly seven miles
During a liberal conference in ottawa about six years ago.
And then quite recently
The kenyan minister for agric. and fish
Fell nearly 12 miles
During a nairobi debate in parliament
Although this hasn't been ratified yet.
How far did the filipino cabinet fall last march?
Well, they fell nearly 39 miles
But it's not nearly so remarkable, as that was due
To their combined weight, of course, robert.
Yes, well, thank you, robert.
Well now, what are your reactions to all this? robert.
Well... well, robert
The main thing is that it's terribly exciting
Tremendously exciting.
You see, the minister is quite clearly lodged
Between rocks we know terribly little of, terribly little.
Of course, the main thing is we're getting color pictures
Of an extraordinarily high quality
Extraordinarily high quality.
But the important thing is...
The really exciting thing is
The minister will be bringing back samples of the earth's core
Which will give us a tremendous
Really tremendous, tremendous, tremendous clue
As to the origins of the earth and what god himself is made of.
Oh, oh, I needed that.
Thank you, robert.
Well, that seems to be
About all we have time for tonight
Unless anyone has anything else to say.
Has anyone anything else to say?
No.
Nope, nope.
No.
No!
No.
Bloody fairy.
No.
No!
Uh... no.
No.
nein... no.
No.
No, no, no, no.
What do we mean by "no"?
What do we mean by "yes"?
What do we mean by "no, no, no"?
tonight spectrum looks at the whole question of "what is no?"