1 00:00:12,579 --> 00:00:14,348 It's... 2 00:00:14,381 --> 00:00:18,185 There will now be a short intermission. 3 00:00:26,760 --> 00:00:29,897 Monty python's flying circus. 4 00:00:59,359 --> 00:01:01,695 There will now be a medium-sized intermission. 5 00:01:14,741 --> 00:01:16,476 Not bad for a starter 6 00:01:16,510 --> 00:01:20,447 But now perhaps something a little more savory. 7 00:01:22,649 --> 00:01:24,551 Ooh, I don't like this, ooh, I don't like that. 8 00:01:24,585 --> 00:01:25,986 Oh, I don't think much to all this. 9 00:01:26,019 --> 00:01:26,987 Oh, fancy using that wallpaper. 10 00:01:27,120 --> 00:01:28,222 Fancy using mustard. 11 00:01:28,288 --> 00:01:30,157 Ooh, is that a proper one? ooh, it's not real. 12 00:01:30,190 --> 00:01:31,692 I don't think it's a proper restaurant 13 00:01:31,758 --> 00:01:33,160 Unless they give you finger bowls. 14 00:01:33,193 --> 00:01:34,261 Ooh, I don't like him. 15 00:01:34,328 --> 00:01:35,996 I'm going to have a baby in a few years. 16 00:01:37,130 --> 00:01:38,532 Uh, please excuse my wife. 17 00:01:38,565 --> 00:01:40,300 She may appear to be rather nasty 18 00:01:40,334 --> 00:01:42,636 But underneath she has a heart of formica. 19 00:01:44,037 --> 00:01:45,839 Sorry about that. 20 00:01:45,873 --> 00:01:48,141 That's all right, sir, we get all sorts of lines in here. 21 00:01:48,175 --> 00:01:50,577 The headwaiter will be along to abuse you in a few moments 22 00:01:50,611 --> 00:01:52,279 And now, if you'll excuse me 23 00:01:52,346 --> 00:01:53,680 I have to go and commit suicide. 24 00:01:53,714 --> 00:01:54,681 Oh, I'm sorry. 25 00:01:54,715 --> 00:01:55,716 It's all right. 26 00:01:55,782 --> 00:01:57,284 It's not because of anything serious. 27 00:01:57,351 --> 00:01:58,318 Oh, good. 28 00:01:59,853 --> 00:02:02,356 Quite frankly, I'm against people who commit suicide. 29 00:02:02,422 --> 00:02:04,258 I don't like that sort of person at all. 30 00:02:04,291 --> 00:02:05,893 I'm plain people and I'm proud of it. 31 00:02:05,959 --> 00:02:07,427 My mother's the salt of the earth 32 00:02:07,494 --> 00:02:09,496 And I don't take the pill 'cause it's nasty. 33 00:02:09,563 --> 00:02:10,597 Please excuse my wife 34 00:02:10,664 --> 00:02:12,132 She may not be very beautiful 35 00:02:12,165 --> 00:02:13,433 And she may have no money 36 00:02:13,467 --> 00:02:15,169 And she may be a little talentless 37 00:02:15,235 --> 00:02:17,371 Boring and dull, but on the other hand... 38 00:02:27,014 --> 00:02:28,515 Sorry, I can't think of anything. 39 00:02:29,583 --> 00:02:30,984 Fine... I'm the headwaiter. 40 00:02:31,018 --> 00:02:32,953 This is a vegetarian restaurant only. 41 00:02:32,986 --> 00:02:34,922 We serve no animal flesh of any kind. 42 00:02:34,955 --> 00:02:36,423 We're not only proud of that 43 00:02:36,490 --> 00:02:37,457 We're smug about it. 44 00:02:37,491 --> 00:02:38,892 So, if you were to come in here 45 00:02:38,926 --> 00:02:40,994 Asking me to rip open a small, defenseless chicken 46 00:02:41,094 --> 00:02:43,197 So you could chew its skin and eat its intestines 47 00:02:43,263 --> 00:02:45,165 I'm afraid I would have to ask you to leave. 48 00:02:45,199 --> 00:02:45,933 No, no, no, no. 49 00:02:45,966 --> 00:02:47,367 Likewise if you were to ask me 50 00:02:47,401 --> 00:02:48,702 To slice the sides off a cow 51 00:02:48,735 --> 00:02:50,737 And serve it with small pieces of its liver 52 00:02:50,804 --> 00:02:52,272 Or, indeed, drain the lifeblood from a pig 53 00:02:52,339 --> 00:02:53,507 Before cutting off one of its legs 54 00:02:53,574 --> 00:02:55,475 Or carve the living giblets 55 00:02:55,509 --> 00:02:56,810 From a sheep and serve them 56 00:02:56,844 --> 00:02:58,212 With the fresh brains, bowels 57 00:02:58,245 --> 00:02:59,813 Guts and spleen of a small rabbit 58 00:02:59,880 --> 00:03:01,381 We wouldn't do it! 59 00:03:02,349 --> 00:03:04,184 Not for food, anyway. 60 00:03:04,218 --> 00:03:05,986 Quite frankly, I'm against people 61 00:03:06,086 --> 00:03:07,888 Who give vent to their loquacity 62 00:03:07,921 --> 00:03:10,157 By extraneous bombastic circumlocution. 63 00:03:11,892 --> 00:03:13,260 Oh, I don't like that. 64 00:03:13,293 --> 00:03:16,263 Sometimes, shirley, I think you're almost human. 65 00:03:16,296 --> 00:03:19,499 Do you know I still wet my bed. 66 00:03:21,001 --> 00:03:23,837 Once, I married someone who was beautiful 67 00:03:23,871 --> 00:03:25,739 And young and gay and free. 68 00:03:25,772 --> 00:03:27,541 Whatever happened to her? 69 00:03:27,574 --> 00:03:29,877 You divorced her and married me. 70 00:03:31,245 --> 00:03:32,246 I met my second wife 71 00:03:32,312 --> 00:03:33,981 At a second-wife- swapping party. 72 00:03:34,081 --> 00:03:35,382 Trust me to arrive late. 73 00:03:35,415 --> 00:03:37,384 Always were late, weren't you, thompson? 74 00:03:37,417 --> 00:03:38,385 Hello, headmaster. 75 00:03:38,418 --> 00:03:39,686 What are you doing here? 76 00:03:39,720 --> 00:03:40,988 Fine, fine, fine, thank you. 77 00:03:41,021 --> 00:03:41,989 Fine, thank you. 78 00:03:42,122 --> 00:03:43,957 No more sherry for me, don't you know. 79 00:03:43,991 --> 00:03:45,425 Warner house beat badger house 80 00:03:45,459 --> 00:03:46,994 For the second cuppa, remarkable. 81 00:03:47,094 --> 00:03:49,329 We had to put most of the second form to sleep. 82 00:03:49,363 --> 00:03:50,497 No padre-- bad business. 83 00:03:50,564 --> 00:03:52,699 They were beginning to play with themselves. 84 00:03:52,766 --> 00:03:55,769 Still... you haven't seen my wife anywhere, have you? 85 00:03:55,836 --> 00:03:57,004 No. oh, thank 86 00:03:57,070 --> 00:03:58,272 Oh, I don't like him. 87 00:03:58,338 --> 00:03:59,840 Do you know what I mean? do you know what I mean? 88 00:03:59,907 --> 00:04:01,108 I mean, do you know what I mean? 89 00:04:01,175 --> 00:04:02,643 Do you know what I mean? do you know what I mean? 90 00:04:02,709 --> 00:04:03,677 I mean, do you know what I mean? 91 00:04:03,744 --> 00:04:04,845 All men are the same. 92 00:04:04,912 --> 00:04:07,548 Imagine not that these four walls 93 00:04:07,614 --> 00:04:10,250 Contain the mighty owl of thebes 94 00:04:10,317 --> 00:04:13,754 For, gentles all, beauty sits most closely 95 00:04:13,787 --> 00:04:15,722 To them it can construe. 96 00:04:15,756 --> 00:04:16,857 No, it doesn't. 97 00:04:16,924 --> 00:04:18,058 Sorry. 98 00:04:21,295 --> 00:04:23,564 Fine... would you care for a glass of blood? 99 00:04:23,597 --> 00:04:24,665 Oh, what a giveaway. 100 00:04:24,731 --> 00:04:26,200 No, we'd like to see the menu please. 101 00:04:26,233 --> 00:04:27,701 I don't think it's a proper restaurant 102 00:04:27,768 --> 00:04:28,869 Unless you have a proper menu 103 00:04:28,936 --> 00:04:30,204 And anyway, i might be pregnant. 104 00:04:30,237 --> 00:04:32,005 Perhaps you'd care for a drink? 105 00:04:32,105 --> 00:04:34,141 Ever since you've married me, douglas 106 00:04:34,208 --> 00:04:35,175 You've treated me 107 00:04:35,209 --> 00:04:36,310 Like an albatross. 108 00:04:36,376 --> 00:04:37,344 Evening. 109 00:04:37,377 --> 00:04:38,345 Good evening. 110 00:04:38,378 --> 00:04:39,379 I hope you're going 111 00:04:39,446 --> 00:04:40,881 To en joy me this evening. 112 00:04:40,914 --> 00:04:41,882 I'm the special. 113 00:04:41,949 --> 00:04:43,150 Try me with some rice. 114 00:04:43,217 --> 00:04:44,351 I beg your pardon? 115 00:04:44,418 --> 00:04:46,119 A hopkins au gratin a la chef. 116 00:04:46,186 --> 00:04:47,154 Ah, how do you? 117 00:04:47,221 --> 00:04:48,655 Don't play with your food. 118 00:04:48,689 --> 00:04:49,756 I don't like that. 119 00:04:49,823 --> 00:04:51,158 There's dust on here. 120 00:04:51,191 --> 00:04:53,160 I don't think it's a proper meal 121 00:04:53,193 --> 00:04:54,294 Without pudding. 122 00:04:54,361 --> 00:04:55,929 My husband's an architect. 123 00:04:55,996 --> 00:04:57,965 Oh, one word of warning, sir, a little tip. 124 00:04:57,998 --> 00:04:59,766 Don't have any of the vicar over there. 125 00:04:59,800 --> 00:05:00,901 He's been here two weeks 126 00:05:00,968 --> 00:05:02,903 And nobody's touched him-- enough said? 127 00:05:02,936 --> 00:05:03,904 Yes, thank you. 128 00:05:03,971 --> 00:05:06,240 Well, I must get on or I'll spoil. 129 00:05:06,273 --> 00:05:07,774 Janet, to the kitchen. 130 00:05:13,614 --> 00:05:15,516 There's a dead bishop in the lobby, sir. 131 00:05:15,549 --> 00:05:17,885 I don't know who keeps bringing them in here. 132 00:05:17,918 --> 00:05:18,919 Oh, I don't like that. 133 00:05:18,986 --> 00:05:19,953 I think it's silly. 134 00:05:19,987 --> 00:05:20,954 It's not a proper sketch 135 00:05:20,988 --> 00:05:21,955 Without a proper punch line. 136 00:05:22,022 --> 00:05:23,991 I mean, I don't know much about anything, I'm stupid. 137 00:05:24,024 --> 00:05:25,459 I'm muggins, nobody cares what I think. 138 00:05:25,492 --> 00:05:26,960 I'm always the one that has to do everything. 139 00:05:27,027 --> 00:05:27,928 Nobody cares about me. 140 00:05:27,961 --> 00:05:28,896 I'll have bloody babies 141 00:05:28,929 --> 00:05:30,330 And they can bloody well care about me. 142 00:05:30,364 --> 00:05:31,832 It makes you sick, half this television. 143 00:05:31,865 --> 00:05:32,766 They never stop talking. 144 00:05:32,799 --> 00:05:33,934 He'll be the ruination of her. 145 00:05:34,001 --> 00:05:35,335 Rhythm method! 146 00:05:37,104 --> 00:05:39,673 There will now be a whopping great intermission 147 00:05:39,740 --> 00:05:42,910 During which small ice creams in very large boxes will be sold. 148 00:05:42,976 --> 00:05:45,612 Another way we can drive people away from the cinema 149 00:05:45,679 --> 00:05:47,381 Is by showing you advertisements. 150 00:05:59,092 --> 00:06:01,061 Do you like this? 151 00:06:01,094 --> 00:06:03,463 Or how about this? 152 00:06:03,497 --> 00:06:06,400 Or perhaps you prefer this latest model? 153 00:06:06,433 --> 00:06:08,535 Then why not come to us? 154 00:06:08,602 --> 00:06:12,406 We supply only the very best models. 155 00:06:12,439 --> 00:06:15,943 After the show, why not visit the la gondola restaurant-- 156 00:06:16,043 --> 00:06:18,445 Just two minutes from this performance. 157 00:06:18,478 --> 00:06:21,448 The manager, mr. luigi vercotti, will be pleased 158 00:06:21,515 --> 00:06:23,517 To welcome you and introduce you 159 00:06:23,584 --> 00:06:26,553 To a wide variety of famous sicilian delicacies. 160 00:06:26,620 --> 00:06:30,057 Here you can relax in comfort in friendly surroundings. 161 00:06:30,123 --> 00:06:33,527 Or if you wish, you may drink and dance till midnight. 162 00:06:33,560 --> 00:06:35,395 At the la gondola restaurant 163 00:06:35,429 --> 00:06:39,333 You can sample all the spicy pleasures of the mediterranean. 164 00:06:39,366 --> 00:06:43,337 The headwaiter will be pleased to show you his specialities. 165 00:06:43,403 --> 00:06:46,507 Or why not ask the cook for something really hot? 166 00:06:46,573 --> 00:06:49,142 Yes, for an evening you'll never forget 167 00:06:49,209 --> 00:06:51,278 It's the la gondola restaurant 168 00:06:51,345 --> 00:06:57,784 Chelsea, parkhurst, dartmoor and the scrubs. 169 00:07:07,027 --> 00:07:09,029 Albatross! 170 00:07:10,998 --> 00:07:12,799 Albatross! 171 00:07:14,801 --> 00:07:16,103 Albatross? 172 00:07:16,136 --> 00:07:17,671 Two choc ices, please. 173 00:07:17,738 --> 00:07:19,506 I haven't got choc ices. 174 00:07:19,540 --> 00:07:21,408 I've only got the albatross. 175 00:07:21,441 --> 00:07:22,743 Albatross! 176 00:07:22,776 --> 00:07:24,111 What flavor is it? 177 00:07:24,144 --> 00:07:25,746 It's a bird, isn't it? 178 00:07:25,812 --> 00:07:27,481 It's a bloody seabird. 179 00:07:27,548 --> 00:07:29,483 It's not any bloody flavor. 180 00:07:29,516 --> 00:07:30,484 Albatross! 181 00:07:30,517 --> 00:07:32,352 Do you get wafers with it? 182 00:07:32,386 --> 00:07:34,888 Of course you don't 183 00:07:34,955 --> 00:07:36,957 Get bloody wafers with it! 184 00:07:37,057 --> 00:07:38,225 Albatross! 185 00:07:38,292 --> 00:07:40,127 How much is it? 186 00:07:40,160 --> 00:07:41,528 Nine pence. 187 00:07:41,562 --> 00:07:44,131 I'll have two please. 188 00:07:44,198 --> 00:07:45,499 Gannet on a stick. 189 00:07:45,532 --> 00:07:48,468 There will now be a very short... 190 00:08:19,333 --> 00:08:21,935 Well, that's quite enough of that. 191 00:08:22,002 --> 00:08:24,972 And now a policeman near rottingdeans. 192 00:08:25,038 --> 00:08:25,939 Albatross! 193 00:08:25,973 --> 00:08:27,307 Inspector, inspector. 194 00:08:27,341 --> 00:08:28,308 Mm-hmm. 195 00:08:28,342 --> 00:08:29,476 I'm terribly sorry 196 00:08:29,543 --> 00:08:31,678 But I was sitting on a park bench over there 197 00:08:31,745 --> 00:08:33,146 Took my coat off for a minute 198 00:08:33,180 --> 00:08:35,182 And then I found my wallet had been stolen 199 00:08:35,249 --> 00:08:36,350 And £15 taken from it. 200 00:08:36,416 --> 00:08:37,384 Well, did you, uh 201 00:08:37,417 --> 00:08:38,685 Did you see anyone take it 202 00:08:38,719 --> 00:08:40,087 Anyone hanging around or... 203 00:08:40,120 --> 00:08:41,989 No, no, there was no one there at all. 204 00:08:42,089 --> 00:08:42,990 That's the trouble. 205 00:08:43,090 --> 00:08:44,458 Well, there's not very much 206 00:08:44,491 --> 00:08:45,792 We can do about that, sir. 207 00:08:45,826 --> 00:08:48,795 Oh. 208 00:08:51,098 --> 00:08:53,066 Do you want to come back to my place? 209 00:08:55,736 --> 00:08:57,137 Yeah, all right. 210 00:09:03,844 --> 00:09:05,078 Albatross. 211 00:09:06,346 --> 00:09:07,514 Mr. burtenshaw? 212 00:09:07,581 --> 00:09:08,549 Me, doctor? 213 00:09:08,582 --> 00:09:11,151 No, me doctor, you mr. burtenshaw. 214 00:09:11,218 --> 00:09:12,519 My wife, doctor? 215 00:09:12,553 --> 00:09:14,288 No, your wife patient-- 216 00:09:14,321 --> 00:09:15,455 Me doctor. 217 00:09:15,522 --> 00:09:17,057 Come this way, please. 218 00:09:17,124 --> 00:09:18,091 Me, sister? 219 00:09:18,125 --> 00:09:20,093 No, she sister, me doctor 220 00:09:20,127 --> 00:09:21,595 You mr. burtenshaw. 221 00:09:21,662 --> 00:09:23,330 Dr. walters? 222 00:09:23,397 --> 00:09:24,364 Me nurse. 223 00:09:24,398 --> 00:09:25,532 You mr. burtenshaw. 224 00:09:25,599 --> 00:09:26,967 She sister, you doctor. 225 00:09:27,000 --> 00:09:27,968 No, doctor. 226 00:09:28,001 --> 00:09:30,804 No doctor, call ambulance, keep warm. 227 00:09:30,838 --> 00:09:31,805 Drink, doctor? 228 00:09:31,839 --> 00:09:33,240 Drink doctor, eat sister 229 00:09:33,273 --> 00:09:34,908 Cook mr. burtenshaw, nurse me. 230 00:09:34,975 --> 00:09:35,943 You, doctor? 231 00:09:35,976 --> 00:09:36,944 Me doctor. 232 00:09:36,977 --> 00:09:37,945 You mr. burtenshaw. 233 00:09:38,011 --> 00:09:38,979 She nurse. 234 00:09:39,012 --> 00:09:39,980 But my wife, nurse. 235 00:09:40,080 --> 00:09:40,981 Your wife not nurse. 236 00:09:41,081 --> 00:09:42,516 She nurse, your wife patient. 237 00:09:42,549 --> 00:09:44,084 Be patient, she nurse your wife. 238 00:09:44,151 --> 00:09:46,119 Me doctor, yew tree. 239 00:09:46,186 --> 00:09:47,955 Utrecht, utrillo 240 00:09:47,988 --> 00:09:50,090 U thant, euphemism. 241 00:09:50,157 --> 00:09:51,725 Me doctor. 242 00:09:57,331 --> 00:09:58,665 Albatross! 243 00:10:00,701 --> 00:10:05,439 I'd like to meet someone 244 00:10:05,472 --> 00:10:08,976 Of superior intelligence. 245 00:10:09,042 --> 00:10:12,513 I'd like to hear the sound 246 00:10:12,579 --> 00:10:16,683 Of two bricks being bashed together. 247 00:10:16,750 --> 00:10:20,020 I'd like to see 248 00:10:20,087 --> 00:10:25,659 John the baptist's impersonation of graham hill. 249 00:10:25,726 --> 00:10:28,328 Yes, it's historical impersonations 250 00:10:28,395 --> 00:10:30,264 When you in the present can make 251 00:10:30,297 --> 00:10:32,432 Those in the past stars of the future. 252 00:10:34,134 --> 00:10:36,837 And here is your host for tonight, wally wiggin. 253 00:10:38,505 --> 00:10:41,975 Hello, good evening, and welcome to historical impersonations. 254 00:10:42,042 --> 00:10:44,811 And we kick off tonight with cardinal richelieu 255 00:10:44,845 --> 00:10:47,181 And his impersonation of petula clark. 256 00:10:47,214 --> 00:10:51,618 Oh, don't sleep in the subway, darling 257 00:10:51,652 --> 00:10:54,755 Don't stand in the pouring rain... 258 00:10:56,590 --> 00:10:59,993 Cardinal richelieu-- sixteen stone of pure man. 259 00:11:00,027 --> 00:11:03,630 And now your favorite roman emperor, julius caesar 260 00:11:03,697 --> 00:11:05,132 As eddie waring. 261 00:11:05,165 --> 00:11:09,503 tota gallia divisa est in tres partes 262 00:11:09,536 --> 00:11:14,074 Wigan, hunslett and hull kingston rovers. 263 00:11:14,141 --> 00:11:16,443 Well done indeed, julius caesar-- 264 00:11:16,476 --> 00:11:19,813 A smile, a conquest and a dagger up your strap. 265 00:11:19,847 --> 00:11:23,717 Our next challenger comes all the way from the crimea. 266 00:11:23,750 --> 00:11:27,921 It's the very lovely florence nightingale as brian london. 267 00:11:31,425 --> 00:11:34,862 And now for our most ambitious attempt tonight. 268 00:11:34,928 --> 00:11:38,866 All the way from moscow in the u.s.s. of r., ivan the terrible 269 00:11:38,932 --> 00:11:42,135 As a sales assistant in freeman, hardy and willis. 270 00:11:46,006 --> 00:11:49,443 And now w.g. grace as a music box. 271 00:11:52,012 --> 00:11:53,881 And now it's france's turn. 272 00:11:53,914 --> 00:12:00,254 One of their top statesmen, napoleon, as the r-101 disaster. 273 00:12:13,867 --> 00:12:16,470 And now it's request time. 274 00:12:16,537 --> 00:12:20,073 I would like to see 275 00:12:20,140 --> 00:12:25,445 John the baptist's impersonation of graham hill. 276 00:12:31,785 --> 00:12:33,687 And now a short intermission 277 00:12:33,720 --> 00:12:36,690 During which marcel marceau will impersonate 278 00:12:36,723 --> 00:12:38,892 A man walking against the wind. 279 00:12:47,401 --> 00:12:50,003 And now marcel will mime a man 280 00:12:50,137 --> 00:12:53,974 Being struck about the head by a 16-ton weight. 281 00:13:02,516 --> 00:13:04,151 What's your name? 282 00:13:06,687 --> 00:13:07,821 Eric. 283 00:13:09,489 --> 00:13:12,159 Would you like to have a 16-ton weight 284 00:13:12,226 --> 00:13:13,961 Dropped on top of you, eric? 285 00:13:18,665 --> 00:13:20,033 Don't know. 286 00:13:22,669 --> 00:13:24,004 How about you? 287 00:13:26,473 --> 00:13:28,942 I want to have... 288 00:13:29,009 --> 00:13:30,878 What do you want to have? 289 00:13:32,246 --> 00:13:34,748 I want to have... 290 00:13:34,815 --> 00:13:36,283 What? 291 00:13:36,316 --> 00:13:39,253 I want to have racquel welch... 292 00:13:39,286 --> 00:13:41,321 Dropped on top of me. 293 00:13:41,388 --> 00:13:43,524 Dropped on top of you? 294 00:13:43,590 --> 00:13:46,026 Oh, yes, not climbing. 295 00:13:46,126 --> 00:13:48,929 She's got a big bottom. 296 00:13:52,599 --> 00:13:54,034 And what's your name? 297 00:13:54,067 --> 00:13:55,202 Trevor atkinson. 298 00:13:55,269 --> 00:13:57,237 And how old are you, trevor? 299 00:13:57,304 --> 00:13:58,739 I'm 42. 300 00:14:00,741 --> 00:14:02,142 Are you a friend of trevor's? 301 00:14:02,176 --> 00:14:03,410 Yes, we're all colleagues 302 00:14:03,477 --> 00:14:05,646 From the empire and general insurance company. 303 00:14:05,712 --> 00:14:06,780 And what do you do? 304 00:14:06,847 --> 00:14:07,881 Well, I deal mainly 305 00:14:07,948 --> 00:14:09,917 With mortgage- protection policies 306 00:14:09,983 --> 00:14:12,686 But I also do certain types of life assurance. 307 00:14:12,753 --> 00:14:15,756 Now, if you and your pal had one big wish, trevor 308 00:14:15,822 --> 00:14:18,292 What would you like to see on television? 309 00:14:20,494 --> 00:14:23,964 I'd like to see more fairy stories about the police. 310 00:14:24,097 --> 00:14:26,667 And so you shall. 311 00:15:47,948 --> 00:15:50,817 Yes, we in the special crimes squad have been using wands 312 00:15:50,851 --> 00:15:52,186 For almost a year now. 313 00:15:52,219 --> 00:15:54,555 You find it's easy to make yourself invisible. 314 00:15:54,588 --> 00:15:55,989 You can defy time and space 315 00:15:56,023 --> 00:15:58,325 And you can turn violent criminals into frogs 316 00:15:58,358 --> 00:16:01,395 Something which you could never do with the old truncheons. 317 00:16:11,972 --> 00:16:15,776 Yes, tonight probearound takes a look at crime. 318 00:16:19,646 --> 00:16:21,081 I'm sorry about that 319 00:16:21,114 --> 00:16:23,750 But i always introduce this program, not him. 320 00:16:28,422 --> 00:16:31,325 Yes, tonight probearound takes a look at crime. 321 00:16:31,358 --> 00:16:34,294 Is it true that the police are using dachshunds 322 00:16:34,328 --> 00:16:35,896 To combat the crime wave? 323 00:16:35,963 --> 00:16:39,800 Can the head of the vice squad turn himself into an albatross 324 00:16:39,833 --> 00:16:41,168 Whenever he wants to? 325 00:16:41,201 --> 00:16:43,170 Just what are the police up to? 326 00:16:43,203 --> 00:16:44,705 Oh, I'm up to page 39 327 00:16:44,771 --> 00:16:47,708 Where peter pan first manifests himself. 328 00:16:47,741 --> 00:16:51,645 With me now is inspector harry h. "snapper" organs 329 00:16:51,678 --> 00:16:52,913 Of "h" division. 330 00:16:52,980 --> 00:16:54,314 Good evening. 331 00:16:54,348 --> 00:16:56,817 Inspector, I believe you are encouraging magic 332 00:16:56,884 --> 00:16:57,985 In the police force. 333 00:16:58,051 --> 00:16:59,219 That is correct. 334 00:16:59,286 --> 00:17:00,354 The criminal mind's 335 00:17:00,420 --> 00:17:02,589 A strange, contorted one-- good evening. 336 00:17:02,656 --> 00:17:04,892 The mind is subject to severe mental stresses-- 337 00:17:04,925 --> 00:17:05,893 Good evening. 338 00:17:05,959 --> 00:17:07,828 Guilt fears abound-- good evening-- 339 00:17:07,861 --> 00:17:08,929 In the subconscious. 340 00:17:08,996 --> 00:17:10,564 In this state, one of our lads 341 00:17:10,631 --> 00:17:12,666 With a fair training in the black arts 342 00:17:12,733 --> 00:17:14,768 Can scare the fertilizer out of them. 343 00:17:14,835 --> 00:17:17,471 Just how are the police combating the increase 344 00:17:17,538 --> 00:17:19,072 With the use of the occult? 345 00:17:19,139 --> 00:17:20,974 Ex-king zog of albania reports. 346 00:17:22,342 --> 00:17:24,811 Well, we seem to have lost ex-king zog there 347 00:17:24,845 --> 00:17:26,180 But who cares? 348 00:17:26,213 --> 00:17:28,782 Just what kinds of magic are the police introducing 349 00:17:28,849 --> 00:17:30,851 Into their crime-prevention techniques? 350 00:17:35,589 --> 00:17:39,927 U-p... 351 00:17:39,960 --> 00:17:42,596 Y... 352 00:17:42,663 --> 00:17:45,332 O... 353 00:17:45,399 --> 00:17:47,968 U... 354 00:17:48,101 --> 00:17:50,771 R... 355 00:17:50,838 --> 00:17:52,172 S. 356 00:17:52,206 --> 00:17:53,507 "up yours"!? 357 00:17:53,540 --> 00:17:56,210 What a rude ouija board! 358 00:18:26,907 --> 00:18:28,575 Now, this is the kind of thing 359 00:18:28,642 --> 00:18:30,744 That gives the police a bad name, sergeant. 360 00:18:30,811 --> 00:18:31,778 I know, sir. 361 00:18:34,014 --> 00:18:35,082 Yes, beryl? 362 00:18:35,148 --> 00:18:37,184 Attila the hun to see you, sir. 363 00:18:37,251 --> 00:18:38,218 Who? 364 00:18:38,252 --> 00:18:39,887 Attila the hun, sir. 365 00:18:39,953 --> 00:18:40,954 Oh, botherkins! 366 00:18:41,054 --> 00:18:42,990 Constable, go and see to him, will you? 367 00:18:43,090 --> 00:18:44,157 What? in this dress? 368 00:18:44,224 --> 00:18:45,459 Oh, all right, I'll go. 369 00:18:45,526 --> 00:18:48,061 Oh, I've got a little green pinny I could wear. 370 00:18:48,128 --> 00:18:49,196 No, no, no, I'll go. 371 00:18:49,263 --> 00:18:50,464 You stay here. 372 00:18:50,531 --> 00:18:52,699 Oh, goody! I can get on with the ironing. 373 00:18:52,766 --> 00:18:54,234 Right... where is he? 374 00:18:54,268 --> 00:18:56,103 Over there, sir. 375 00:18:56,136 --> 00:18:59,206 All right, sergeant, leave this to me. 376 00:18:59,273 --> 00:19:02,309 Now, then, sir, you are attila the hun. 377 00:19:02,376 --> 00:19:03,911 That's right, yes, a.t. hun. 378 00:19:03,977 --> 00:19:06,113 My parents were mr. and mrs. norman hun 379 00:19:06,180 --> 00:19:08,615 But they had a little joke when I was born. 380 00:19:09,650 --> 00:19:11,518 Yes... well, mr. hun... 381 00:19:11,552 --> 00:19:14,621 Oh, call me "the," for heaven's sake! 382 00:19:14,688 --> 00:19:18,959 Oh... well, the, what do you want to see us about? 383 00:19:18,992 --> 00:19:21,328 I've come to give myself up. 384 00:19:21,361 --> 00:19:22,663 What for? 385 00:19:22,696 --> 00:19:25,532 Looting, pillaging and sacking a major city. 386 00:19:25,566 --> 00:19:26,767 I beg your pardon? 387 00:19:26,834 --> 00:19:29,403 Looting, pillaging, sacking a major city 388 00:19:29,469 --> 00:19:31,572 And I'd like 9,000 other charges 389 00:19:31,638 --> 00:19:34,174 To be taken into consideration, please. 390 00:19:34,241 --> 00:19:37,878 I say, excuse me, mr. hun. 391 00:19:39,413 --> 00:19:41,815 Have you any objection to taking a breath test? 392 00:19:41,849 --> 00:19:43,183 Oh, no, no, no, no. 393 00:19:43,217 --> 00:19:45,819 Right-- sergeant, will you bring the analyzer, please? 394 00:19:45,886 --> 00:19:46,854 Here we are, sir. 395 00:19:46,887 --> 00:19:47,888 How's it work? 396 00:19:47,955 --> 00:19:49,523 Well, if he breathes into it, sir 397 00:19:49,590 --> 00:19:51,625 And the white crystals turn lime green 398 00:19:51,692 --> 00:19:53,327 Then he is attila the hun, sir. 399 00:19:53,393 --> 00:19:55,529 I see-- well, would you mind breathing 400 00:19:55,596 --> 00:19:56,563 Into this, mr. hun? 401 00:19:56,597 --> 00:19:57,998 Right. 402 00:20:02,035 --> 00:20:05,005 What if nothing happens, sergeant? 403 00:20:05,072 --> 00:20:07,708 He's alexander the great, sir! 404 00:20:07,774 --> 00:20:10,644 Aha! caught you, mr. a.t. great! 405 00:20:10,677 --> 00:20:12,012 Oh, curses, curses! 406 00:20:12,112 --> 00:20:14,581 I thought I was safe, disguised as attila the hun. 407 00:20:14,648 --> 00:20:17,384 O-ho, perhaps so, but you made one fatal mistake. 408 00:20:17,451 --> 00:20:19,353 You see, this wasn't a hunalyzer. 409 00:20:19,386 --> 00:20:21,488 It was an alexander- the-greatalyzer. 410 00:20:21,555 --> 00:20:24,458 Take him away, beryl! 411 00:20:24,491 --> 00:20:27,961 "dear sir, I object very strongly to that last scene 412 00:20:28,028 --> 00:20:29,796 And to the next letter." 413 00:20:29,863 --> 00:20:33,133 "dear sir, I object to being objected to 414 00:20:33,166 --> 00:20:34,234 "by the last letter 415 00:20:34,301 --> 00:20:36,370 "before my drift has become apparent. 416 00:20:36,436 --> 00:20:39,139 "I spent many years in india during the last war 417 00:20:39,206 --> 00:20:41,175 "and am now a part-time notice board 418 00:20:41,241 --> 00:20:42,943 "in a prominent public school. 419 00:20:43,010 --> 00:20:45,546 "yours etc., brigadier zoe la rue (deceased). 420 00:20:45,612 --> 00:20:47,114 P.s. aghhh!" 421 00:20:47,181 --> 00:20:50,150 "dear sir, when I was at school 422 00:20:50,217 --> 00:20:52,586 "I was beaten regularly every 30 minutes 423 00:20:52,619 --> 00:20:54,488 "and it never did me any harm-- 424 00:20:54,521 --> 00:20:56,823 "except for psychological maladjustment 425 00:20:56,857 --> 00:20:58,325 "and blurred vision. 426 00:20:58,392 --> 00:21:01,695 Yours truly, flight lieutenant ken frankenstein (mrs.)." 427 00:21:12,539 --> 00:21:13,507 Huh? 428 00:21:35,195 --> 00:21:36,864 I want to see the doctor. 429 00:21:43,403 --> 00:21:47,007 Dr. larch, there's a mr. phelps to see you. 430 00:21:47,140 --> 00:21:48,041 Uh, nurse? 431 00:21:48,141 --> 00:21:49,776 Yes? 432 00:21:49,843 --> 00:21:52,012 You don't think you should make it clear 433 00:21:52,145 --> 00:21:53,580 That I'm a psychiatrist? 434 00:21:54,982 --> 00:21:55,983 What? 435 00:21:56,049 --> 00:21:58,752 Well, I could be any type of doctor. 436 00:21:58,819 --> 00:22:02,689 Well, I can't come in and say "psychiatrist larch" 437 00:22:02,723 --> 00:22:05,659 Or "dr. larch, who is a psychiatrist." 438 00:22:05,692 --> 00:22:08,896 Oh, anyway, look, it's written on the door. 439 00:22:08,962 --> 00:22:10,497 That's outside. 440 00:22:10,564 --> 00:22:12,599 Well, I don't care. 441 00:22:12,666 --> 00:22:16,436 You'll just have to do it yourself. 442 00:22:25,078 --> 00:22:26,013 Hello? 443 00:22:26,079 --> 00:22:28,015 No, wrong number, I'm afraid. 444 00:22:28,115 --> 00:22:30,350 This is a psychiatrist speaking. 445 00:22:30,417 --> 00:22:31,385 Next, please. 446 00:22:32,419 --> 00:22:33,387 Come in. 447 00:22:36,156 --> 00:22:37,691 Bow wow wow. 448 00:22:37,758 --> 00:22:39,760 Ah, mr. phelps-- come on in, take a seat. 449 00:22:39,826 --> 00:22:41,428 Now, what seems to be the matter? 450 00:22:41,495 --> 00:22:42,462 No, no, no, no, no. 451 00:22:42,496 --> 00:22:43,463 I'm sorry? 452 00:22:43,530 --> 00:22:45,199 Oh, can't you do better than that? 453 00:22:45,265 --> 00:22:46,600 I mean, it's so predictable. 454 00:22:46,633 --> 00:22:48,035 I've seen it a million times. 455 00:22:48,101 --> 00:22:49,570 Knock, knock, knock; "come in; 456 00:22:49,636 --> 00:22:51,038 Ah, mr. phelps, take a seat." 457 00:22:51,138 --> 00:22:52,339 I've seen it and seen it. 458 00:22:52,406 --> 00:22:54,241 Well, look, will you please sit down 459 00:22:54,274 --> 00:22:55,409 And do your first line? 460 00:22:55,475 --> 00:22:56,610 No, no, I've had enough. 461 00:22:56,677 --> 00:22:57,678 I've had enough. 462 00:23:00,180 --> 00:23:01,882 I can't even get it started. 463 00:23:01,949 --> 00:23:03,884 Albatross! 464 00:23:03,917 --> 00:23:05,953 Shut up! 465 00:23:06,086 --> 00:23:08,555 Oh, it drives me mad. 466 00:23:08,589 --> 00:23:11,291 A mad psychiatrist, that'd be new-- huh! 467 00:23:11,358 --> 00:23:12,326 Next, please. 468 00:23:13,794 --> 00:23:14,761 C... oh. 469 00:23:20,367 --> 00:23:23,203 Cross the threshold, arrive, ingress 470 00:23:23,237 --> 00:23:25,572 Gain admittance, infiltrate. 471 00:23:27,040 --> 00:23:29,109 Ah, mr. notlob, uh, park your hips 472 00:23:29,176 --> 00:23:30,577 On the sitting device. 473 00:23:30,611 --> 00:23:31,912 It is a mad psychiatrist. 474 00:23:31,945 --> 00:23:32,913 I'm not, I'm not! 475 00:23:32,946 --> 00:23:34,114 Come on in, take a seat. 476 00:23:34,181 --> 00:23:35,616 What's... what's the matter? 477 00:23:37,017 --> 00:23:38,218 Now, what's the matter? 478 00:23:38,285 --> 00:23:39,353 Well, I keep hearing 479 00:23:39,419 --> 00:23:41,221 Guitars playing and people singing 480 00:23:41,255 --> 00:23:42,723 When there's no one around. 481 00:23:42,756 --> 00:23:44,725 Yes, well, this is not at all uncommon. 482 00:23:44,791 --> 00:23:46,460 In certain mental states we find 483 00:23:46,527 --> 00:23:48,595 That auditory hallucinations occur 484 00:23:48,662 --> 00:23:50,030 Which are of a most... 485 00:23:50,097 --> 00:23:51,498 We can stay all day 486 00:23:51,532 --> 00:23:53,267 We're going to the zoo... 487 00:23:53,333 --> 00:23:56,003 Is that "we're all going to the zoo tomorrow"? 488 00:23:56,136 --> 00:23:57,037 Yes, yes. 489 00:23:57,137 --> 00:23:58,038 Is it always that? 490 00:23:58,138 --> 00:23:59,039 No. 491 00:23:59,139 --> 00:24:00,240 Well, that's something. 492 00:24:00,307 --> 00:24:02,376 But it's mainly folk songs. 493 00:24:02,442 --> 00:24:05,479 Last night I had "we'll never fall in love again"-- for six hours! 494 00:24:05,546 --> 00:24:08,515 Well, look, I think I'd better have a second opinion on this. 495 00:24:08,582 --> 00:24:10,350 I want you to see a colleague of mine 496 00:24:10,417 --> 00:24:12,186 A specialist in these sort of things 497 00:24:12,252 --> 00:24:14,254 Who has an office very much like this one 498 00:24:14,321 --> 00:24:15,322 As a matter of fact. 499 00:24:15,389 --> 00:24:16,356 Ooh... 500 00:24:26,834 --> 00:24:28,535 Um, no, no, wrong number. 501 00:24:28,602 --> 00:24:30,237 I'm a colleague of his-- 502 00:24:30,304 --> 00:24:33,740 A surgeon who specializes in these kind of things. 503 00:24:33,807 --> 00:24:35,542 Yes, thank you very much. 504 00:24:35,609 --> 00:24:36,577 Next, please. 505 00:24:37,611 --> 00:24:38,545 Come in. 506 00:24:38,579 --> 00:24:42,249 Ah, come in, please take a seat. 507 00:24:44,051 --> 00:24:45,986 My colleague, who has a similar office 508 00:24:46,019 --> 00:24:47,554 Has explained your case to me. 509 00:24:50,090 --> 00:24:51,959 Mr. notlob, as you know 510 00:24:51,992 --> 00:24:54,995 I am a leading harley street surgeon... 511 00:24:57,564 --> 00:24:59,333 As seen on television. 512 00:24:59,399 --> 00:25:01,935 I'm afraid I'm going to have to operate. 513 00:25:02,002 --> 00:25:04,404 It's nothing to worry about-- 514 00:25:04,438 --> 00:25:07,274 Although it is extremely dangerous. 515 00:25:08,442 --> 00:25:10,244 I shall be juggling with your life. 516 00:25:10,277 --> 00:25:12,112 I shall be playing ducks and drakes 517 00:25:12,145 --> 00:25:13,647 With your very existence. 518 00:25:13,714 --> 00:25:16,650 I shall be running me mitts over the pith of your marrow-- 519 00:25:16,683 --> 00:25:18,952 Yes, these hands 520 00:25:18,986 --> 00:25:21,088 These fingers 521 00:25:21,154 --> 00:25:25,893 These sophisticated organs of touch, these bunches of five 522 00:25:25,926 --> 00:25:28,529 These maulers, these german bands 523 00:25:28,595 --> 00:25:32,132 That have pulled many a moribund unfortunate 524 00:25:32,199 --> 00:25:35,602 Back from the very brink of lazarus's box. 525 00:25:35,636 --> 00:25:38,539 No, it was pandora's box, wasn't it? 526 00:25:38,572 --> 00:25:41,008 Well, anyway, these mitts have earned yours truly 527 00:25:41,108 --> 00:25:44,011 A lot of bread, so if you'll just step through here 528 00:25:44,111 --> 00:25:45,579 I'll slit you up a treat. 529 00:25:45,646 --> 00:25:46,747 What? 530 00:25:46,813 --> 00:25:49,616 Mr. notlob, there's nothing wrong with you 531 00:25:49,650 --> 00:25:52,519 That an expensive operation can't prolong. 532 00:25:58,892 --> 00:26:01,862 Right, I'm ready to make the incision. 533 00:26:01,929 --> 00:26:03,597 Knife, please, sister. 534 00:26:03,664 --> 00:26:05,065 What's that supposed to be? 535 00:26:05,098 --> 00:26:06,066 Give me a big one. 536 00:26:10,370 --> 00:26:13,674 Oh, I do en joy this! 537 00:26:15,709 --> 00:26:17,044 Right. 538 00:26:22,649 --> 00:26:24,685 Oh, what a great slit! 539 00:26:26,086 --> 00:26:30,424 Now, gentlemen, I am going to open the slit. 540 00:26:30,457 --> 00:26:31,859 ...all day 541 00:26:33,927 --> 00:26:34,895 Too much, man! 542 00:26:34,928 --> 00:26:36,230 Groovy, great scene. 543 00:26:36,263 --> 00:26:37,764 Great light show, baby. 544 00:26:37,831 --> 00:26:39,733 What are you doing in there? 545 00:26:39,766 --> 00:26:41,802 We're doing our own thing, man. 546 00:26:41,869 --> 00:26:44,304 Have you got mr. notlob's permission 547 00:26:44,338 --> 00:26:45,305 To be in there? 548 00:26:45,372 --> 00:26:46,773 We're squatters, baby. 549 00:26:46,807 --> 00:26:48,108 Nurse, wake him up. 550 00:26:48,141 --> 00:26:50,010 Don't get uptight, man. 551 00:26:50,110 --> 00:26:52,112 Join the scene and other phrases. 552 00:26:52,179 --> 00:26:53,213 Money isn't real. 553 00:26:53,280 --> 00:26:54,515 It is where I'm standing 554 00:26:54,581 --> 00:26:56,316 And it blows my mind, young lad. 555 00:26:56,383 --> 00:26:58,118 Good lord! is that a nude woman? 556 00:26:58,185 --> 00:26:59,686 She's doing an article on us 557 00:26:59,753 --> 00:27:00,721 For nova, man. 558 00:27:00,754 --> 00:27:01,722 Hi, everyone. 559 00:27:01,755 --> 00:27:03,724 Are you part of the scene? 560 00:27:03,757 --> 00:27:07,394 Are you rolling your own jelly babies in there? 561 00:27:07,461 --> 00:27:09,930 What's going on? who are they? 562 00:27:10,063 --> 00:27:11,098 That's what we're trying to find out. 563 00:27:11,164 --> 00:27:12,533 What are they doing in my stomach? 564 00:27:12,566 --> 00:27:14,668 We don't know-- are they paying you any rent? 565 00:27:14,735 --> 00:27:16,136 Course they're not paying me rent! 566 00:27:16,170 --> 00:27:17,971 You're not furnished, you fascist. 567 00:27:18,005 --> 00:27:18,972 Get them out! 568 00:27:19,006 --> 00:27:19,973 I can't. 569 00:27:20,007 --> 00:27:20,974 Get them out! 570 00:27:21,008 --> 00:27:21,975 No, I can't-- 571 00:27:22,042 --> 00:27:23,977 Not, not without a court order. 572 00:27:24,077 --> 00:27:25,913 Shut up, you're keeping us awake. 573 00:27:27,214 --> 00:27:29,416 You are hereby ordered 574 00:27:29,483 --> 00:27:33,387 To vacate mr. notlob forthwith and/or. 575 00:27:33,420 --> 00:27:34,922 Push off, fuzz! 576 00:27:34,988 --> 00:27:36,957 Right-- that's it, we're going in! 577 00:27:37,057 --> 00:27:38,559 Release the vicious dogs. 578 00:27:39,960 --> 00:27:42,863 What a terrible way to end a series. 579 00:27:42,896 --> 00:27:46,233 Why couldn't it end with something like this? 580 00:27:46,266 --> 00:27:47,501 Smile. 581 00:27:49,036 --> 00:27:50,604 Smile. 582 00:27:52,139 --> 00:27:53,106 Smile. 583 00:27:54,775 --> 00:27:55,976 Smile. 584 00:27:57,811 --> 00:27:58,912 Smile. 585 00:28:06,320 --> 00:28:08,121 Smile. 586 00:28:08,155 --> 00:28:11,458 Now, there's an ending for you-- romance, laughter... 587 00:28:56,637 --> 00:28:58,172 When this series returns 588 00:28:58,238 --> 00:29:01,208 It will be put out on monday morning as a test card 589 00:29:01,275 --> 00:29:03,610 And will be described by the radio times 590 00:29:03,644 --> 00:29:05,646 As a history of irish agriculture.