It's...
There will now be a short intermission.
Monty python's flying circus.
There will now be a medium-sized intermission.
Not bad for a starter
But now perhaps something a little more savory.
Ooh, I don't like this, ooh, I don't like that.
Oh, I don't think much to all this.
Oh, fancy using that wallpaper.
Fancy using mustard.
Ooh, is that a proper one? ooh, it's not real.
I don't think it's a proper restaurant
Unless they give you finger bowls.
Ooh, I don't like him.
I'm going to have a baby in a few years.
Uh, please excuse my wife.
She may appear to be rather nasty
But underneath she has a heart of formica.
Sorry about that.
That's all right, sir, we get all sorts of lines in here.
The headwaiter will be along to abuse you in a few moments
And now, if you'll excuse me
I have to go and commit suicide.
Oh, I'm sorry.
It's all right.
It's not because of anything serious.
Oh, good.
Quite frankly, I'm against people who commit suicide.
I don't like that sort of person at all.
I'm plain people and I'm proud of it.
My mother's the salt of the earth
And I don't take the pill 'cause it's nasty.
Please excuse my wife
She may not be very beautiful
And she may have no money
And she may be a little talentless
Boring and dull, but on the other hand...
Sorry, I can't think of anything.
Fine... I'm the headwaiter.
This is a vegetarian restaurant only.
We serve no animal flesh of any kind.
We're not only proud of that
We're smug about it.
So, if you were to come in here
Asking me to rip open a small, defenseless chicken
So you could chew its skin and eat its intestines
I'm afraid I would have to ask you to leave.
No, no, no, no.
Likewise if you were to ask me
To slice the sides off a cow
And serve it with small pieces of its liver
Or, indeed, drain the lifeblood from a pig
Before cutting off one of its legs
Or carve the living giblets
From a sheep and serve them
With the fresh brains, bowels
Guts and spleen of a small rabbit
We wouldn't do it!
Not for food, anyway.
Quite frankly, I'm against people
Who give vent to their loquacity
By extraneous bombastic circumlocution.
Oh, I don't like that.
Sometimes, shirley, I think you're almost human.
Do you know I still wet my bed.
Once, I married someone who was beautiful
And young and gay and free.
Whatever happened to her?
You divorced her and married me.
I met my second wife
At a second-wife- swapping party.
Trust me to arrive late.
Always were late, weren't you, thompson?
Hello, headmaster.
What are you doing here?
Fine, fine, fine, thank you.
Fine, thank you.
No more sherry for me, don't you know.
Warner house beat badger house
For the second cuppa, remarkable.
We had to put most of the second form to sleep.
No padre-- bad business.
They were beginning to play with themselves.
Still... you haven't seen my wife anywhere, have you?
No. oh, thank
Oh, I don't like him.
Do you know what I mean? do you know what I mean?
I mean, do you know what I mean?
Do you know what I mean? do you know what I mean?
I mean, do you know what I mean?
All men are the same.
Imagine not that these four walls
Contain the mighty owl of thebes
For, gentles all, beauty sits most closely
To them it can construe.
No, it doesn't.
Sorry.
Fine... would you care for a glass of blood?
Oh, what a giveaway.
No, we'd like to see the menu please.
I don't think it's a proper restaurant
Unless you have a proper menu
And anyway, i might be pregnant.
Perhaps you'd care for a drink?
Ever since you've married me, douglas
You've treated me
Like an albatross.
Evening.
Good evening.
I hope you're going
To en joy me this evening.
I'm the special.
Try me with some rice.
I beg your pardon?
A hopkins au gratin a la chef.
Ah, how do you?
Don't play with your food.
I don't like that.
There's dust on here.
I don't think it's a proper meal
Without pudding.
My husband's an architect.
Oh, one word of warning, sir, a little tip.
Don't have any of the vicar over there.
He's been here two weeks
And nobody's touched him-- enough said?
Yes, thank you.
Well, I must get on or I'll spoil.
Janet, to the kitchen.
There's a dead bishop in the lobby, sir.
I don't know who keeps bringing them in here.
Oh, I don't like that.
I think it's silly.
It's not a proper sketch
Without a proper punch line.
I mean, I don't know much about anything, I'm stupid.
I'm muggins, nobody cares what I think.
I'm always the one that has to do everything.
Nobody cares about me.
I'll have bloody babies
And they can bloody well care about me.
It makes you sick, half this television.
They never stop talking.
He'll be the ruination of her.
Rhythm method!
There will now be a whopping great intermission
During which small ice creams in very large boxes will be sold.
Another way we can drive people away from the cinema
Is by showing you advertisements.
Do you like this?
Or how about this?
Or perhaps you prefer this latest model?
Then why not come to us?
We supply only the very best models.
After the show, why not visit the la gondola restaurant--
Just two minutes from this performance.
The manager, mr. luigi vercotti, will be pleased
To welcome you and introduce you
To a wide variety of famous sicilian delicacies.
Here you can relax in comfort in friendly surroundings.
Or if you wish, you may drink and dance till midnight.
At the la gondola restaurant
You can sample all the spicy pleasures of the mediterranean.
The headwaiter will be pleased to show you his specialities.
Or why not ask the cook for something really hot?
Yes, for an evening you'll never forget
It's the la gondola restaurant
Chelsea, parkhurst, dartmoor and the scrubs.
Albatross!
Albatross?
Two choc ices, please.
I haven't got choc ices.
I've only got the albatross.
Albatross!
What flavor is it?
It's a bird, isn't it?
It's a bloody seabird.
It's not any bloody flavor.
Albatross!
Do you get wafers with it?
Of course you don't
Get bloody wafers with it!
Albatross!
How much is it?
Nine pence.
I'll have two please.
Gannet on a stick.
There will now be a very short...
Well, that's quite enough of that.
And now a policeman near rottingdeans.
Albatross!
Inspector, inspector.
Mm-hmm.
I'm terribly sorry
But I was sitting on a park bench over there
Took my coat off for a minute
And then I found my wallet had been stolen
And £15 taken from it.
Well, did you, uh
Did you see anyone take it
Anyone hanging around or...
No, no, there was no one there at all.
That's the trouble.
Well, there's not very much
We can do about that, sir.
Oh.
Do you want to come back to my place?
Yeah, all right.
Albatross.
Mr. burtenshaw?
Me, doctor?
No, me doctor, you mr. burtenshaw.
My wife, doctor?
No, your wife patient--
Me doctor.
Come this way, please.
Me, sister?
No, she sister, me doctor
You mr. burtenshaw.
Dr. walters?
Me nurse.
You mr. burtenshaw.
She sister, you doctor.
No, doctor.
No doctor, call ambulance, keep warm.
Drink, doctor?
Drink doctor, eat sister
Cook mr. burtenshaw, nurse me.
You, doctor?
Me doctor.
You mr. burtenshaw.
She nurse.
But my wife, nurse.
Your wife not nurse.
She nurse, your wife patient.
Be patient, she nurse your wife.
Me doctor, yew tree.
Utrecht, utrillo
U thant, euphemism.
Me doctor.
Albatross!
I'd like to meet someone
Of superior intelligence.
I'd like to hear the sound
Of two bricks being bashed together.
I'd like to see
John the baptist's impersonation of graham hill.
Yes, it's historical impersonations
When you in the present can make
Those in the past stars of the future.
And here is your host for tonight, wally wiggin.
Hello, good evening, and welcome to historical impersonations.
And we kick off tonight with cardinal richelieu
And his impersonation of petula clark.
Oh, don't sleep in the subway, darling
Don't stand in the pouring rain...
Cardinal richelieu-- sixteen stone of pure man.
And now your favorite roman emperor, julius caesar
As eddie waring.
tota gallia divisa est in tres partes
Wigan, hunslett and hull kingston rovers.
Well done indeed, julius caesar--
A smile, a conquest and a dagger up your strap.
Our next challenger comes all the way from the crimea.
It's the very lovely florence nightingale as brian london.
And now for our most ambitious attempt tonight.
All the way from moscow in the u.s.s. of r., ivan the terrible
As a sales assistant in freeman, hardy and willis.
And now w.g. grace as a music box.
And now it's france's turn.
One of their top statesmen, napoleon, as the r-101 disaster.
And now it's request time.
I would like to see
John the baptist's impersonation of graham hill.
And now a short intermission
During which marcel marceau will impersonate
A man walking against the wind.
And now marcel will mime a man
Being struck about the head by a 16-ton weight.
What's your name?
Eric.
Would you like to have a 16-ton weight
Dropped on top of you, eric?
Don't know.
How about you?
I want to have...
What do you want to have?
I want to have...
What?
I want to have racquel welch...
Dropped on top of me.
Dropped on top of you?
Oh, yes, not climbing.
She's got a big bottom.
And what's your name?
Trevor atkinson.
And how old are you, trevor?
I'm 42.
Are you a friend of trevor's?
Yes, we're all colleagues
From the empire and general insurance company.
And what do you do?
Well, I deal mainly
With mortgage- protection policies
But I also do certain types of life assurance.
Now, if you and your pal had one big wish, trevor
What would you like to see on television?
I'd like to see more fairy stories about the police.
And so you shall.
Yes, we in the special crimes squad have been using wands
For almost a year now.
You find it's easy to make yourself invisible.
You can defy time and space
And you can turn violent criminals into frogs
Something which you could never do with the old truncheons.
Yes, tonight probearound takes a look at crime.
I'm sorry about that
But i always introduce this program, not him.
Yes, tonight probearound takes a look at crime.
Is it true that the police are using dachshunds
To combat the crime wave?
Can the head of the vice squad turn himself into an albatross
Whenever he wants to?
Just what are the police up to?
Oh, I'm up to page 39
Where peter pan first manifests himself.
With me now is inspector harry h. "snapper" organs
Of "h" division.
Good evening.
Inspector, I believe you are encouraging magic
In the police force.
That is correct.
The criminal mind's
A strange, contorted one-- good evening.
The mind is subject to severe mental stresses--
Good evening.
Guilt fears abound-- good evening--
In the subconscious.
In this state, one of our lads
With a fair training in the black arts
Can scare the fertilizer out of them.
Just how are the police combating the increase
With the use of the occult?
Ex-king zog of albania reports.
Well, we seem to have lost ex-king zog there
But who cares?
Just what kinds of magic are the police introducing
Into their crime-prevention techniques?
U-p...
Y...
O...
U...
R...
S.
"up yours"!?
What a rude ouija board!
Now, this is the kind of thing
That gives the police a bad name, sergeant.
I know, sir.
Yes, beryl?
Attila the hun to see you, sir.
Who?
Attila the hun, sir.
Oh, botherkins!
Constable, go and see to him, will you?
What? in this dress?
Oh, all right, I'll go.
Oh, I've got a little green pinny I could wear.
No, no, no, I'll go.
You stay here.
Oh, goody! I can get on with the ironing.
Right... where is he?
Over there, sir.
All right, sergeant, leave this to me.
Now, then, sir, you are attila the hun.
That's right, yes, a.t. hun.
My parents were mr. and mrs. norman hun
But they had a little joke when I was born.
Yes... well, mr. hun...
Oh, call me "the," for heaven's sake!
Oh... well, the, what do you want to see us about?
I've come to give myself up.
What for?
Looting, pillaging and sacking a major city.
I beg your pardon?
Looting, pillaging, sacking a major city
And I'd like 9,000 other charges
To be taken into consideration, please.
I say, excuse me, mr. hun.
Have you any objection to taking a breath test?
Oh, no, no, no, no.
Right-- sergeant, will you bring the analyzer, please?
Here we are, sir.
How's it work?
Well, if he breathes into it, sir
And the white crystals turn lime green
Then he is attila the hun, sir.
I see-- well, would you mind breathing
Into this, mr. hun?
Right.
What if nothing happens, sergeant?
He's alexander the great, sir!
Aha! caught you, mr. a.t. great!
Oh, curses, curses!
I thought I was safe, disguised as attila the hun.
O-ho, perhaps so, but you made one fatal mistake.
You see, this wasn't a hunalyzer.
It was an alexander- the-greatalyzer.
Take him away, beryl!
"dear sir, I object very strongly to that last scene
And to the next letter."
"dear sir, I object to being objected to
"by the last letter
"before my drift has become apparent.
"I spent many years in india during the last war
"and am now a part-time notice board
"in a prominent public school.
"yours etc., brigadier zoe la rue (deceased).
P.s. aghhh!"
"dear sir, when I was at school
"I was beaten regularly every 30 minutes
"and it never did me any harm--
"except for psychological maladjustment
"and blurred vision.
Yours truly, flight lieutenant ken frankenstein (mrs.)."
Huh?
I want to see the doctor.
Dr. larch, there's a mr. phelps to see you.
Uh, nurse?
Yes?
You don't think you should make it clear
That I'm a psychiatrist?
What?
Well, I could be any type of doctor.
Well, I can't come in and say "psychiatrist larch"
Or "dr. larch, who is a psychiatrist."
Oh, anyway, look, it's written on the door.
That's outside.
Well, I don't care.
You'll just have to do it yourself.
Hello?
No, wrong number, I'm afraid.
This is a psychiatrist speaking.
Next, please.
Come in.
Bow wow wow.
Ah, mr. phelps-- come on in, take a seat.
Now, what seems to be the matter?
No, no, no, no, no.
I'm sorry?
Oh, can't you do better than that?
I mean, it's so predictable.
I've seen it a million times.
Knock, knock, knock; "come in;
Ah, mr. phelps, take a seat."
I've seen it and seen it.
Well, look, will you please sit down
And do your first line?
No, no, I've had enough.
I've had enough.
I can't even get it started.
Albatross!
Shut up!
Oh, it drives me mad.
A mad psychiatrist, that'd be new-- huh!
Next, please.
C... oh.
Cross the threshold, arrive, ingress
Gain admittance, infiltrate.
Ah, mr. notlob, uh, park your hips
On the sitting device.
It is a mad psychiatrist.
I'm not, I'm not!
Come on in, take a seat.
What's... what's the matter?
Now, what's the matter?
Well, I keep hearing
Guitars playing and people singing
When there's no one around.
Yes, well, this is not at all uncommon.
In certain mental states we find
That auditory hallucinations occur
Which are of a most...
We can stay all day
We're going to the zoo...
Is that "we're all going to the zoo tomorrow"?
Yes, yes.
Is it always that?
No.
Well, that's something.
But it's mainly folk songs.
Last night I had "we'll never fall in love again"-- for six hours!
Well, look, I think I'd better have a second opinion on this.
I want you to see a colleague of mine
A specialist in these sort of things
Who has an office very much like this one
As a matter of fact.
Ooh...
Um, no, no, wrong number.
I'm a colleague of his--
A surgeon who specializes in these kind of things.
Yes, thank you very much.
Next, please.
Come in.
Ah, come in, please take a seat.
My colleague, who has a similar office
Has explained your case to me.
Mr. notlob, as you know
I am a leading harley street surgeon...
As seen on television.
I'm afraid I'm going to have to operate.
It's nothing to worry about--
Although it is extremely dangerous.
I shall be juggling with your life.
I shall be playing ducks and drakes
With your very existence.
I shall be running me mitts over the pith of your marrow--
Yes, these hands
These fingers
These sophisticated organs of touch, these bunches of five
These maulers, these german bands
That have pulled many a moribund unfortunate
Back from the very brink of lazarus's box.
No, it was pandora's box, wasn't it?
Well, anyway, these mitts have earned yours truly
A lot of bread, so if you'll just step through here
I'll slit you up a treat.
What?
Mr. notlob, there's nothing wrong with you
That an expensive operation can't prolong.
Right, I'm ready to make the incision.
Knife, please, sister.
What's that supposed to be?
Give me a big one.
Oh, I do en joy this!
Right.
Oh, what a great slit!
Now, gentlemen, I am going to open the slit.
...all day
Too much, man!
Groovy, great scene.
Great light show, baby.
What are you doing in there?
We're doing our own thing, man.
Have you got mr. notlob's permission
To be in there?
We're squatters, baby.
Nurse, wake him up.
Don't get uptight, man.
Join the scene and other phrases.
Money isn't real.
It is where I'm standing
And it blows my mind, young lad.
Good lord! is that a nude woman?
She's doing an article on us
For nova, man.
Hi, everyone.
Are you part of the scene?
Are you rolling your own jelly babies in there?
What's going on? who are they?
That's what we're trying to find out.
What are they doing in my stomach?
We don't know-- are they paying you any rent?
Course they're not paying me rent!
You're not furnished, you fascist.
Get them out!
I can't.
Get them out!
No, I can't--
Not, not without a court order.
Shut up, you're keeping us awake.
You are hereby ordered
To vacate mr. notlob forthwith and/or.
Push off, fuzz!
Right-- that's it, we're going in!
Release the vicious dogs.
What a terrible way to end a series.
Why couldn't it end with something like this?
Smile.
Now, there's an ending for you-- romance, laughter...
When this series returns
It will be put out on monday morning as a test card
And will be described by the radio times
As a history of irish agriculture.