1
00:01:16,900 --> 00:01:19,300
And now for something completely different.

2
00:01:55,700 --> 00:01:59,100
JARROW - NEW YEAR'S EVE 1911

3
00:02:01,500 --> 00:02:04,900
JARROW, 1912

4
00:02:11,900 --> 00:02:12,900
Come in.

5
00:02:14,700 --> 00:02:16,500
Trouble at mill.

6
00:02:16,500 --> 00:02:18,700
Oh no. What sort of trouble?

7
00:02:20,700 --> 00:02:21,700
Pardon?

8
00:02:23,900 --> 00:02:26,300
I don't understand what you're saying.

9
00:02:26,300 --> 00:02:29,300
One of the cross beams has gone out
askew on the treddle.

10
00:02:29,700 --> 00:02:32,700
- Well what on earth does that mean?
- I don't know. 

11
00:02:32,700 --> 00:02:36,500
Mr Wentworth just told me to come in
here and say that there was trouble
at the mill, that's all.

12
00:02:36,500 --> 00:02:38,100
I didn't expect
a kind of Spanish Inquisition.

13
00:02:41,900 --> 00:02:44,900
Nobody expects the Spanish Inquisition!

14
00:02:45,200 --> 00:02:48,200
Our chief weapon is surprise...
Surprise and fear, fear and surprise...

15
00:02:48,600 --> 00:02:51,800
our two weapons are fear and surprise.

16
00:02:51,800 --> 00:02:53,000
And ruthless efficiency...

17
00:02:53,000 --> 00:02:56,200
Our three weapons are fear, surprise,
and ruthless efficiency...

18
00:02:56,200 --> 00:02:59,400
and an almost fanatical
devotion to the Pope.

19
00:02:59,400 --> 00:03:00,600
Our four...no...

20
00:03:00,600 --> 00:03:01,900
amongst our weapons...
amongst our weaponry...

21
00:03:04,200 --> 00:03:07,600
are such elements as fear, surprise...

22
00:03:07,600 --> 00:03:08,800
I'll come in again.

23
00:03:13,900 --> 00:03:16,400
I didn't expect
a kind of Spanish Inquisition.

24
00:03:19,400 --> 00:03:22,600
Nobody expects the Spanish Inquisition!

25
00:03:22,600 --> 00:03:25,800
Amongst our weaponry
are such diverse elements as

26
00:03:25,800 --> 00:03:28,800
fear, surprise, ruthless efficiency, 

27
00:03:28,800 --> 00:03:32,000
and an almost fanatical devotion
to the Pope, and nice red uniforms

28
00:03:32,000 --> 00:03:35,800
- Oh damn! I can't say it,
you'll have to say it.  - What?

29
00:03:35,800 --> 00:03:39,000
You'll have to say the bit about
'Our chief weapons are ...'

30
00:03:39,000 --> 00:03:40,000
I couldn't do that...

31
00:03:45,700 --> 00:03:48,200
I didn't expect
a kind of Spanish Inquisition.

32
00:03:52,300 --> 00:03:53,500
Er.... Nobody...um....

33
00:03:54,000 --> 00:03:56,200
- Expects.
- Expects.

34
00:03:56,200 --> 00:04:00,200
- Nobody expects the...um...
- Inquisition.

35
00:04:00,600 --> 00:04:02,000
I know...I know!

36
00:04:02,000 --> 00:04:05,000
Nobody expects the Spanish Inquisition.
In fact, those who do expect...

37
00:04:05,000 --> 00:04:08,500
- Our chief weapons are...
- Our chief weapons are...um...er...

38
00:04:08,900 --> 00:04:11,100
- Surprise...
- Surprise and...

39
00:04:11,100 --> 00:04:12,400
Stop. Stop there! Stop there.
Whew!

40
00:04:14,100 --> 00:04:17,300
Our chief weapon is surprise,
blah, blah, blah, blah.

41
00:04:17,300 --> 00:04:20,200
Cardinal, read the charges.

42
00:04:21,700 --> 00:04:27,100
You are hereby charged that you did
on diverse dates commit heresy against
the Holy Church.

43
00:04:27,100 --> 00:04:29,100
- My old man said...
- That's enough.

44
00:04:34,400 --> 00:04:37,600
Now, how do you plead?

45
00:04:37,600 --> 00:04:38,900
We're innocent.

46
00:04:40,200 --> 00:04:41,900
 

47
00:04:43,300 --> 00:04:45,100
We'll soon change your mind
about that!

48
00:04:45,100 --> 00:04:47,100
 

49
00:04:48,700 --> 00:04:50,700
Fear, surprise, and a most ruthless...

50
00:04:54,900 --> 00:04:57,900
Now, Cardinal, the rack!

51
00:05:08,700 --> 00:05:10,100
You...
Right!

52
00:05:14,700 --> 00:05:16,300
Tie her down.

53
00:05:40,500 --> 00:05:42,400
Right!
How do you plead?

54
00:05:42,400 --> 00:05:43,500
- Innocent.
- Ha! Right!

55
00:05:45,500 --> 00:05:48,300
Cardinal, give the rack
(oh dear)

56
00:05:49,900 --> 00:05:52,100
give the rack a turn.

57
00:05:52,100 --> 00:05:53,100
I...

58
00:05:54,100 --> 00:05:56,700
I know. I know you can't.
I didn't want to say anything.

59
00:05:56,700 --> 00:05:59,900
I just wanted to try
and ignore your crass mistake.

60
00:05:59,900 --> 00:06:01,500
- It makes it all seem so stupid.
- Shall I, um...?

61
00:06:02,400 --> 00:06:04,600
Oh, go on, just pretend
for God's sake.

62
00:06:20,100 --> 00:06:23,300
Ah, hello, you don't know me,
but I'm from the BBC. 

63
00:06:23,300 --> 00:06:28,300
We were wondering if you'd come
and answer the door in a sketch over
there, in that sort of direction... 

64
00:06:28,300 --> 00:06:31,200
You wouldn't have to do anything,
just open the door and that's it.

65
00:06:31,200 --> 00:06:32,400
Oh, well all right, yes.

66
00:06:32,400 --> 00:06:34,000
Jolly good. Come this way.

67
00:06:35,600 --> 00:06:38,200
Yes, we're on film
at the moment, you see.

68
00:06:38,200 --> 00:06:40,200
It's a link, is it?

69
00:06:40,200 --> 00:06:42,400
Yes that's right,
that sort of thing, yes, a link.

70
00:06:42,400 --> 00:06:44,600
It's all a bit zany, you know
a bit madcap funster... 

71
00:06:44,600 --> 00:06:46,800
Frankly I don't fully
understand it myself,


72
00:06:46,800 --> 00:06:49,000
the kids seem to like it.

73
00:06:49,000 --> 00:06:53,000
I much prefer Des O'Connor,
Rolf Harris, Tom Jones, you know...

74
00:07:19,100 --> 00:07:21,300
TO THE SKETCH

75
00:07:21,300 --> 00:07:23,100
You do a lot of
this sort of thing, do you?

76
00:07:23,100 --> 00:07:25,500
Quite a lot yes, quite a lot.
I'm mainly in comedy.

77
00:07:25,500 --> 00:07:30,200
I'd like to be in Programming Planning
actually, but I've got a degree.

78
00:07:59,600 --> 00:08:02,200
Joke, sir? Guaranteed amusing. 

79
00:08:02,200 --> 00:08:05,900
As used by the crowned heads of Europe.
Has brought tears to the eyes of Royalty.

80
00:08:05,900 --> 00:08:09,000
'Denmark has never laughed
so much', The Stage.

81
00:08:09,400 --> 00:08:12,200
Nice little novelty number
'a naughty Humphrey'
breaks the ice at parties. 

82
00:08:12,200 --> 00:08:15,900
Put it on the table.
Press the button. It vomits.

83
00:08:16,700 --> 00:08:18,900
Absolutely guaranteed.
With refills.

84
00:08:19,700 --> 00:08:21,900
'Black soap',
leave it in the bathroom, 

85
00:08:21,900 --> 00:08:25,100
they wash their hands,
real fungus grows on the fingers.

86
00:08:25,100 --> 00:08:27,700
Can't get it off for hours.

87
00:08:27,700 --> 00:08:30,500
Frighten the elderly: real snakes.

88
00:08:30,500 --> 00:08:31,900
Comedy hernia kit.

89
00:08:32,300 --> 00:08:36,300
Plastic flesh wounds - just keep
your friends in stitches.

90
00:08:37,100 --> 00:08:40,500
Hours of fun with 'honeymoon delight'
empty it into their beds,

91
00:08:40,500 --> 00:08:43,500
real skunk juice.

92
00:08:43,500 --> 00:08:45,500
They won't forget their wedding night.

93
00:08:45,800 --> 00:08:49,700
Sticks to the skin, absolutely waterproof.

94
00:08:49,700 --> 00:08:52,900
Amuse your friends: CS gas canisters

95
00:08:52,900 --> 00:08:56,100
smells, tastes and acts
just like the real thing.

96
00:08:56,100 --> 00:08:57,900
Can blind, maim or kill.

97
00:08:57,900 --> 00:09:01,300
Or for drinks, why not buy a
'wicked willy' with a life-size winkle 

98
00:09:01,300 --> 00:09:04,500
serves warm beer. Makes real cocktails.
Hours of amusement!

99
00:09:04,500 --> 00:09:08,100
Or get the new Pooh-Pooh machine.
Embarrass your guests,

100
00:09:08,100 --> 00:09:09,300
completely authentic sound.

101
00:09:09,300 --> 00:09:11,900
Or why not try a new 'naughty nightie'

102
00:09:11,900 --> 00:09:15,100
put it on and it melts,
just watch their faces.

103
00:09:15,100 --> 00:09:17,600
Guaranteed to break the ice
at naughty parties.

104
00:09:21,100 --> 00:09:22,900
Go on, go on.

105
00:09:22,900 --> 00:09:24,100
What?

106
00:09:24,100 --> 00:09:25,500
Do the punchline.

107
00:09:25,500 --> 00:09:26,900
What punchline?

108
00:09:26,900 --> 00:09:29,100
The punchline for this bit.

109
00:09:29,100 --> 00:09:32,500
I don't know it. They didn't
say anything about a punchline.

110
00:09:34,900 --> 00:09:38,300
Oh! Oh well in that case
I'll be saying goodbye then, sir... 

111
00:09:39,200 --> 00:09:40,800
Goodbye then, sir.

112
00:09:50,000 --> 00:09:51,600
What's the punchline?

113
00:09:52,500 --> 00:09:55,700
Punchline? I don't think there's
a punchline scheduled, is there? 

114
00:09:55,700 --> 00:09:57,100
Where are we? A week 39.4 no, 39.7. 

115
00:09:57,100 --> 00:09:58,900
it's Friday, isn't it?

116
00:10:01,400 --> 00:10:02,600
Oh ... here we are. Oh!

117
00:10:11,300 --> 00:10:12,500
Ha, ha, ha, very good!
Ha, ha, ha, very good. 

118
00:10:14,300 --> 00:10:16,900
What a good punchline.

119
00:10:16,900 --> 00:10:18,900
Pity we missed that.

120
00:10:18,900 --> 00:10:22,100
Still, never mind, we can always do
it again. Make a series out of it.

121
00:10:22,100 --> 00:10:24,300
Now if you'll just sign there,

122
00:10:24,300 --> 00:10:26,900
I'll put this through
to our contracts department

123
00:10:26,900 --> 00:10:29,500
and you should be hearing
from them in a year or two.

124
00:10:30,100 --> 00:10:32,100
Can you give me a lift back?

125
00:10:32,100 --> 00:10:34,300
Ah - can do. But won't.

126
00:10:34,300 --> 00:10:38,300
We were wondering if we could
possibly borrow your head
for a piece of animation.

127
00:10:38,300 --> 00:10:39,500
What?

128
00:10:39,500 --> 00:10:43,000
Oh jolly good. Thanks very much.
You will get expenses.

129
00:11:02,700 --> 00:11:06,700
Sergeant, somehow we've got
to get in there and get it.

130
00:11:06,900 --> 00:11:09,100
- It's gonna be difficult.
- You need some sort of diversion?

131
00:11:09,100 --> 00:11:11,300
- Sure, but what?
- Well we could...

132
00:11:11,300 --> 00:11:12,500
It's got to be...

133
00:11:12,800 --> 00:11:14,800
Wait! I've got it.

134
00:11:31,700 --> 00:11:33,300
Well done, soldier.

135
00:11:33,300 --> 00:11:35,300
- Load and fire!
- Yes, sir.

136
00:11:36,700 --> 00:11:37,700
Fire!

137
00:11:40,100 --> 00:11:41,300
Damn!

138
00:11:41,300 --> 00:11:42,500
Ready? Aim!

139
00:11:42,500 --> 00:11:43,700
Fire!

140
00:11:43,700 --> 00:11:46,500
We are not amused.

141
00:12:09,700 --> 00:12:13,100
Gentlemen, our MP saw the PM this AM

142
00:12:13,100 --> 00:12:18,100
and the PM wants more LSD from the PIB
by tomorrow AM or PM at the latest. 

143
00:12:18,100 --> 00:12:23,400
I told the PM's PPS that AM was NBG
so tomorrow PM it is
for the PM nem. con.

144
00:12:24,500 --> 00:12:26,300
Give us a fag or I'll go spare.

145
00:12:28,300 --> 00:12:31,900
Now, the fiscal deficit with regard
to the monetary balance,

146
00:12:31,900 --> 00:12:35,000
the current financial year
excluding invisible exports, 

147
00:12:35,000 --> 00:12:37,200
but adjusted of course
for seasonal variations

148
00:12:37,200 --> 00:12:39,800
and the incremental statistics
of the fiscal

149
00:12:39,800 --> 00:12:43,600
and revenue arrangements
for the forthcoming annual budgetary
period terminating in April.

150
00:12:44,000 --> 00:12:46,800
I think he's talking about taxation.

151
00:12:47,500 --> 00:12:49,100
Bravo, Madge. Well done.

152
00:12:49,700 --> 00:12:53,700
Taxation is indeed
the very nub of my gist. 

153
00:12:54,900 --> 00:12:57,800
Gentlemen, we have to find
something new to tax.

154
00:12:57,800 --> 00:13:00,000
I understood that.

155
00:13:00,000 --> 00:13:03,600
If I might put my head on the
chopping block so you can kick
it around a bit, sir...

156
00:13:04,600 --> 00:13:07,800
Well most things we do
for pleasure nowadays are taxed,

157
00:13:07,800 --> 00:13:10,100
except one.

158
00:13:11,000 --> 00:13:12,600
What do you mean?

159
00:13:12,600 --> 00:13:17,300
Well, er, smoking's been taxed,
drinking's been taxed

160
00:13:17,300 --> 00:13:21,000
but not ... thingy.

161
00:13:24,700 --> 00:13:25,700
Good Lord!

162
00:13:26,100 --> 00:13:31,100
You're not suggesting
we should tax... thingy?

163
00:13:31,800 --> 00:13:33,700
Poo poo's?

164
00:13:33,700 --> 00:13:35,100
No.

165
00:13:35,700 --> 00:13:38,100
Thank God for that.
Excuse me for a moment.

166
00:13:39,700 --> 00:13:42,100
No, no, no - thingy.

167
00:13:42,100 --> 00:13:43,500
Number ones?

168
00:13:43,500 --> 00:13:45,800
No, thingy.

169
00:13:46,100 --> 00:13:47,500
Thingy!

170
00:13:49,100 --> 00:13:51,100
Ah, thingy. 

171
00:13:52,500 --> 00:13:55,900
Well it'll certainly make chartered
accountancy a much more interesting job.

172
00:13:56,500 --> 00:14:04,800
I would put a tax on all people
who stand in water... 

173
00:14:13,800 --> 00:14:17,800
To boost the British economy
I'd tax all foreigners living abroad.

174
00:14:19,900 --> 00:14:23,000
I would tax the nude in my bed.

175
00:14:24,200 --> 00:14:29,900
No - not tax. What is the word?
Oh - 'welcome'.

176
00:14:30,300 --> 00:14:33,600
I would tax Racquel Welch.

177
00:14:34,900 --> 00:14:37,100
I've a feeling she'd tax me.

178
00:14:37,100 --> 00:14:41,100
Bring back hanging and go into rope.

179
00:14:41,300 --> 00:14:44,200
I would cut off the more disreputable
parts of the body

180
00:14:44,200 --> 00:14:46,400
and use the space for playing fields.

181
00:14:46,400 --> 00:14:49,400
I would tax holiday snaps.

182
00:14:52,100 --> 00:14:55,200
This is Uncle Ted in front
of the house.

183
00:14:56,500 --> 00:14:59,300
This is Uncle Ted at the back
of the house.

184
00:15:00,000 --> 00:15:02,700
And this is Uncle Ted at the side
of the house.

185
00:15:03,100 --> 00:15:08,800
This is Uncle Ted back in front
of the house, but you can see
the side of the house.

186
00:15:09,300 --> 00:15:12,700
And this is Uncle Ted even nearer
the side of the house, 

187
00:15:12,700 --> 00:15:14,700
but you can still see the front.

188
00:15:15,000 --> 00:15:20,700
This is the back of the house,
with Uncle Ted coming round
the side to the front.

189
00:15:21,600 --> 00:15:27,100
And the is the Spanish Inquisition
hiding behind the coal shed.

190
00:15:27,100 --> 00:15:29,900
Oh! I didn't expect
a Spanish Inquisition.

191
00:15:33,100 --> 00:15:35,600
Nobody expects the Spanish Inquisition!

192
00:15:41,400 --> 00:15:44,600
 

193
00:15:44,600 --> 00:15:47,800


194
00:15:47,800 --> 00:15:51,000


195
00:15:51,000 --> 00:15:54,000


196
00:15:54,000 --> 00:15:58,800


197
00:15:58,800 --> 00:16:01,700


198
00:16:01,700 --> 00:16:04,400


199
00:16:27,000 --> 00:16:28,400
Now, old woman!

200
00:16:28,900 --> 00:16:31,300
You are accused of heresy on three counts.

201
00:16:31,300 --> 00:16:34,500
Heresy by thought, heresy by word,
heresy by deed, and heresy by action.

202
00:16:34,500 --> 00:16:35,900
Four counts.

203
00:16:37,500 --> 00:16:38,700
Do you confess?

204
00:16:38,700 --> 00:16:41,300
I don't understand what I'm accused of.

205
00:16:42,900 --> 00:16:45,600
Ha! Then we shall make you understand.

206
00:16:46,000 --> 00:16:47,100
Biggles!

207
00:16:50,600 --> 00:16:52,700
Fetch... the cushions!

208
00:16:56,200 --> 00:16:57,800
Here they are, lord.

209
00:16:57,800 --> 00:17:00,000
Now, old lady, you have one last chance.

210
00:17:00,000 --> 00:17:03,200
Confess the heinous sin of heresy,
reject the works of the ungodly

211
00:17:03,200 --> 00:17:04,400
two last chances.

212
00:17:04,400 --> 00:17:06,300
And you shall be free...

213
00:17:06,300 --> 00:17:07,500
Three last chances. 

214
00:17:07,500 --> 00:17:11,300
You have three last chances,
the nature of which I have divulged
in my previous utterance.

215
00:17:11,300 --> 00:17:13,500
I don't know what you're talking about.

216
00:17:13,500 --> 00:17:16,500
Right! If that's the way you want it.

217
00:17:16,800 --> 00:17:21,500
Cardinal! Poke her
with the soft cushions!

218
00:17:23,100 --> 00:17:25,600
Confess! Confess! Confess!

219
00:17:27,300 --> 00:17:29,500
It doesn't seem to be hurting her,
my lord.

220
00:17:29,500 --> 00:17:32,500
- Have you got all the stuffing
up one end?   - Yes, lord.

221
00:17:34,700 --> 00:17:36,500
Hm! She is made of harder stuff!

222
00:17:37,600 --> 00:17:38,800
Cardinal Fang!

223
00:17:40,300 --> 00:17:43,800
Fetch... the comfy chair!

224
00:17:48,100 --> 00:17:50,000
The comfy chair?

225
00:18:00,000 --> 00:18:03,700
So you think you are strong because
you can survive the soft cushions.

226
00:18:04,400 --> 00:18:06,200
Well, we shall see.

227
00:18:07,100 --> 00:18:10,400
Biggles! Put her in the Comfy Chair!

228
00:18:14,100 --> 00:18:17,600
Now. You will stay
in the Comfy Chair until lunch time,

229
00:18:17,600 --> 00:18:19,800
with only a cup of coffee at eleven...

230
00:18:19,800 --> 00:18:21,500
- Is that really all it is?
- Why, yes lord.

231
00:18:21,500 --> 00:18:24,700
I see. I suppose we make it worse
by shouting a lot, do we?

232
00:18:28,800 --> 00:18:30,400
Confess, woman.

233
00:18:30,800 --> 00:18:32,400
Confess!

234
00:18:32,400 --> 00:18:36,400
Confess!

235
00:18:36,400 --> 00:18:37,600
I confess!

236
00:18:37,600 --> 00:18:38,800
Not you!

237
00:18:38,800 --> 00:18:40,000
I confess.

238
00:18:40,000 --> 00:18:41,900
Who was that?

239
00:18:41,900 --> 00:18:43,300
I confess.

240
00:18:43,300 --> 00:18:44,500
 

241
00:18:49,700 --> 00:18:50,900
I confess.

242
00:18:50,900 --> 00:18:52,100
 

243
00:18:58,100 --> 00:18:59,300
I confess.

244
00:18:59,300 --> 00:19:00,300
 

245
00:19:01,100 --> 00:19:02,400
I confess.

246
00:19:04,600 --> 00:19:05,600
I confess.

247
00:19:09,500 --> 00:19:10,600
I confess.

248
00:19:13,400 --> 00:19:14,400
I confess.

249
00:19:16,100 --> 00:19:19,300
Well Madam, I'm glad
you've come to see me.

250
00:19:19,300 --> 00:19:24,500
As a doctor I shall be trying
to help you and do everything
I can to assist you...

251
00:19:29,700 --> 00:19:32,700
I'm a bit deaf.

252
00:19:34,700 --> 00:19:36,900
Louder, please. I still can't hear.

253
00:19:39,100 --> 00:19:42,200
Pick up, I can't hear you.
I'm deaf...

254
00:19:46,000 --> 00:19:50,000
And now for the very first time
on the silver screen 

255
00:19:50,000 --> 00:19:54,000
comes the film from two books
that once shocked a generation.

256
00:19:54,100 --> 00:19:59,900
From Emily Brontė's 'Wuthering Heights'
and from the 'International Guide
to Semaphore Code',

257
00:20:00,300 --> 00:20:06,000
Twentieth Century Vole presents
'The Semaphore Version of Wuthering Heights'.

258
00:20:59,200 --> 00:21:02,800
 

259
00:21:20,100 --> 00:21:25,800
 

260
00:21:27,200 --> 00:21:33,100
 

261
00:21:33,100 --> 00:21:40,000
 

262
00:21:40,000 --> 00:21:44,700
 

263
00:21:44,700 --> 00:21:47,700
On the pages of history...

264
00:21:47,700 --> 00:21:50,700
from the dark imperious days
of Imperial Rome...

265
00:21:50,700 --> 00:21:53,900
we bring you a story
that shattered the world,

266
00:21:53,900 --> 00:21:57,100
a tale so gripping that they said
it could not be filmed.

267
00:21:57,100 --> 00:21:59,300
A unique event in cinema history

268
00:21:59,300 --> 00:22:02,700
 

269
00:22:07,500 --> 00:22:12,700
 

270
00:22:22,100 --> 00:22:26,100
 

271
00:22:29,000 --> 00:22:33,800
From the makers of:

272
00:22:37,800 --> 00:22:41,600
 

273
00:22:45,600 --> 00:22:47,900
 

274
00:22:49,500 --> 00:22:53,100
Ladies and gentlemen of the jury,
have you reached a verdict?

275
00:22:53,900 --> 00:22:55,700
We have, m'lud.

276
00:22:55,700 --> 00:22:57,200
And how do you find the defendant?

277
00:22:59,700 --> 00:23:00,700
Two words.

278
00:23:01,400 --> 00:23:02,400
First word.

279
00:23:06,200 --> 00:23:07,400
Rope? String?

280
00:23:09,400 --> 00:23:10,600
Point?

281
00:23:11,900 --> 00:23:13,100
Belt?

282
00:23:13,100 --> 00:23:14,100
Tie?

283
00:23:15,300 --> 00:23:16,400
Cravat? Silk square?

284
00:23:18,200 --> 00:23:19,200
Knot?

285
00:23:19,600 --> 00:23:20,700
Knot!

286
00:23:23,600 --> 00:23:24,600
Second word.

287
00:23:25,400 --> 00:23:26,400
Two syllables.

288
00:23:27,100 --> 00:23:28,100
First syllable.

289
00:23:33,100 --> 00:23:34,300
Bird?

290
00:23:34,300 --> 00:23:35,300
Swimmer?

291
00:23:36,000 --> 00:23:37,200
Breast stroke?

292
00:23:37,200 --> 00:23:38,500
Brian Phelps?

293
00:23:38,500 --> 00:23:40,700
No, no, no, he was a diver.

294
00:23:40,700 --> 00:23:41,900
Esther Williams then.

295
00:23:41,900 --> 00:23:44,500
No, no, don't be silly. How can you
find someone 'Not Esther Williams'.

296
00:23:44,800 --> 00:23:46,000
Fish.

297
00:23:46,000 --> 00:23:48,600
- Fish wheeze.
- Fish wheeze?

298
00:23:50,900 --> 00:23:52,000
Fish breathe.

299
00:23:52,800 --> 00:23:54,200
Fish breathe, throat.

300
00:23:54,200 --> 00:23:57,000
Fish breathe, throat? GILL!

301
00:23:57,800 --> 00:23:59,000
Gill.

302
00:24:00,800 --> 00:24:02,100
Not gill.

303
00:24:02,500 --> 00:24:03,500
Second syllable.

304
00:24:06,600 --> 00:24:08,000
Not gill...

305
00:24:10,000 --> 00:24:11,000
Drink.

306
00:24:12,100 --> 00:24:13,900
Sip? Imbibe?

307
00:24:15,100 --> 00:24:17,100
Not gill ... cup?

308
00:24:17,100 --> 00:24:18,300
Not gillcup!

309
00:24:19,000 --> 00:24:22,000
You have been found not gillcup
of the charges brought against you

310
00:24:22,000 --> 00:24:24,800
and may leave this court a free man.

311
00:24:26,900 --> 00:24:28,900
Right. My turn.

312
00:24:30,500 --> 00:24:31,500
Four words.

313
00:24:34,400 --> 00:24:35,800
First word - shout?

314
00:24:35,800 --> 00:24:37,900
- Bellow?
- Call?

315
00:24:38,400 --> 00:24:39,400
Call!

316
00:24:41,300 --> 00:24:44,500
Second word is very small.

317
00:24:44,800 --> 00:24:46,700
- A?
- An?

318
00:24:46,700 --> 00:24:48,500
- Up?
- The?

319
00:24:48,800 --> 00:24:50,000
The.

320
00:24:50,000 --> 00:24:52,400
Call the... Third word.

321
00:24:54,600 --> 00:24:55,800
Gill?

322
00:24:55,800 --> 00:24:58,400
- Fish?
- Adam's apple.

323
00:24:58,400 --> 00:24:59,600
Neck.

324
00:24:59,600 --> 00:25:00,900
Sounds like neck?

325
00:25:00,900 --> 00:25:02,200
Next.

326
00:25:02,200 --> 00:25:03,300
Call the ... next!

327
00:25:06,500 --> 00:25:08,500
Fourth word, three syllables.

328
00:25:08,500 --> 00:25:09,600
First syllable...

329
00:25:11,100 --> 00:25:12,800
- Ear?
- Hear.

330
00:25:12,800 --> 00:25:13,800
Can't hear.

331
00:25:15,300 --> 00:25:17,700
Deaf!

332
00:25:17,700 --> 00:25:19,700
Call the next def-

333
00:25:20,600 --> 00:25:21,600
Bottom.

334
00:25:22,500 --> 00:25:23,700
Seat?

335
00:25:23,700 --> 00:25:25,700
Trouser? Cheek?

336
00:25:26,000 --> 00:25:29,400
End! Call the next defend-

337
00:25:30,600 --> 00:25:31,600
Ant!

338
00:25:34,400 --> 00:25:36,600
Call the next defendant!

339
00:25:36,900 --> 00:25:40,900
Call the next defendant.
The Honourable Mr Justice Kilbraken.

340
00:25:46,000 --> 00:25:53,800
If I may charge you m'lud, you are charged
that on the fourteenth day of June 1970,
at the Central Criminal Court,

341
00:25:53,800 --> 00:25:57,400
you did commit acts likely to cause
a breach of the peace.

342
00:25:57,400 --> 00:26:00,200
How plead you m'lud, guilty or not guilty?

343
00:26:00,200 --> 00:26:03,100
Not guilty. Case not proven.
Court adjourned.

344
00:26:05,000 --> 00:26:07,100
No, no, no.

345
00:26:09,200 --> 00:26:11,200
No, you're in the dock, m'lud.

346
00:26:11,200 --> 00:26:12,500
I'm a judge, m'lud.

347
00:26:12,500 --> 00:26:14,800
So am I, m'lud, so watch it.

348
00:26:14,800 --> 00:26:16,200
Hah! Call this a court.

349
00:26:19,400 --> 00:26:20,600
Call this a court.
Call this a court.

350
00:26:20,600 --> 00:26:22,000
Shut up. Now get on with the spiel.

351
00:26:22,700 --> 00:26:27,300
M'lud, and my other lud, the prosecution
will endeavour to show m'lud, that m'lud

352
00:26:27,300 --> 00:26:29,500
ah, not you m'lud, that m'lud, m'lud,

353
00:26:29,500 --> 00:26:32,500
while passing sentence
at the Central Criminal Court

354
00:26:32,500 --> 00:26:35,700
blotted his copy book.
Call exhibit Q.

355
00:26:35,700 --> 00:26:36,700
Q?

356
00:26:37,900 --> 00:26:41,800
Sorry did I say Q? I meant A.

357
00:26:41,800 --> 00:26:43,800
Sorry, call exhibit A.

358
00:26:50,600 --> 00:26:52,500
Exhibit A m'lud, Miss Rita Thang,

359
00:26:53,200 --> 00:26:57,200
an artist's model, Swedish
accordion teacher

360
00:26:57,500 --> 00:26:59,500
and cane-chair sales lady,

361
00:27:00,000 --> 00:27:03,200
was found guilty under
the Rude Behaviour Act

362
00:27:03,200 --> 00:27:04,400
in the accused's court.

363
00:27:04,400 --> 00:27:09,500
The accused, m'lud, sentenced her
to be taken from this place and
brought round to his place.

364
00:27:10,300 --> 00:27:12,500
- Objection, m'lud.
- Objection sustained.

365
00:27:12,500 --> 00:27:14,300
You shut up! Objection overruled.

366
00:27:14,300 --> 00:27:18,100
The accused then commented
on Miss Thang's bodily structure,

367
00:27:18,100 --> 00:27:22,100
made several not-at-all legal
remarks on the subject of fun

368
00:27:22,300 --> 00:27:26,700
and then placed his robes over
his head and began to emit low moans.

369
00:27:27,100 --> 00:27:31,600
- Have you anything to say in your defense?
- I haven't had any for weeks.

370
00:27:31,600 --> 00:27:35,200
Oh no? What about that little number
you've got tucked away in Belsize Park?

371
00:27:35,200 --> 00:27:36,200
- Oh, I never!
- Oh no. Ho! Ho! Ho!

372
00:27:38,100 --> 00:27:40,300
All right then what about
8a Woodford Square?

373
00:27:40,300 --> 00:27:42,900
You say anything about that
and I'll do you for treason.

374
00:27:42,900 --> 00:27:44,700
M'lud if we could continue...

375
00:27:44,700 --> 00:27:46,200
He's got a Chinese bit there.

376
00:27:46,200 --> 00:27:47,800
No, that's contempt of court.

377
00:27:47,800 --> 00:27:50,000
- It was only a joke.
- Contempt of court.

378
00:27:50,000 --> 00:27:54,000
However, I'm not going to punish you
because we're so short of judges
at the moment,

379
00:27:54,200 --> 00:27:56,400
what with all of them
emigrating to South Africa.

380
00:27:56,400 --> 00:27:59,300
I'm going tomorrow;
I've got my ticket. 

381
00:27:59,300 --> 00:28:01,900
Get out there and get some decent
sentencing done.

382
00:28:01,900 --> 00:28:03,500
Ooh, England makes you sick.

383
00:28:03,500 --> 00:28:06,700
Best I can manage here is
life imprisonment.

384
00:28:06,700 --> 00:28:08,700
It's hardly worth coming in
in the morning.

385
00:28:08,700 --> 00:28:14,100
Now, South Africa? You've got your
cat of nine tails, you've got four
death sentences a week,

386
00:28:14,100 --> 00:28:17,300
you've got cheap drinks, slave labour
and a booming stock market.

387
00:28:17,300 --> 00:28:19,100
I'm off, I tell you.

388
00:28:19,100 --> 00:28:24,600
Yes, I'm up to here with probation
and bleeding psychiatric reports.

389
00:28:24,600 --> 00:28:26,600
That's it, I'm off. That's it. Right.

390
00:28:27,000 --> 00:28:30,400
But I'm going to have one final
fling before I leave, 

391
00:28:30,400 --> 00:28:33,300
so I sentence you to be burnt
to the stake.

392
00:28:33,800 --> 00:28:36,900
Blimey! I didn't expect
the Spanish Inquisition.

393
00:28:58,300 --> 00:29:00,900
Two, er, three to the Old Bailey
please.

394
00:29:03,300 --> 00:29:06,500
- Look they've started the credits.
- Hurry. Hurry. Hurry.

395
00:29:18,200 --> 00:29:20,500
There's the lighting credit,
only five left. 

396
00:29:25,800 --> 00:29:27,700
Hell, it's the producer - quick!

397
00:29:50,800 --> 00:29:53,200
Nobody expects the Spa...
Oh bugger!