And now for something completely different.
JARROW - NEW YEAR'S EVE 1911
JARROW, 1912
Come in.
Trouble at mill.
Oh no. What sort of trouble?
Pardon?
I don't understand what you're saying.
One of the cross beams has gone out askew on the treddle.
- Well what on earth does that mean? - I don't know.
Mr Wentworth just told me to come in here and say that there was trouble at the mill, that's all.
I didn't expect a kind of Spanish Inquisition.
Nobody expects the Spanish Inquisition!
Our chief weapon is surprise... Surprise and fear, fear and surprise...
our two weapons are fear and surprise.
And ruthless efficiency...
Our three weapons are fear, surprise, and ruthless efficiency...
and an almost fanatical devotion to the Pope.
Our four...no...
amongst our weapons... amongst our weaponry...
are such elements as fear, surprise...
I'll come in again.
I didn't expect a kind of Spanish Inquisition.
Nobody expects the Spanish Inquisition!
Amongst our weaponry are such diverse elements as
fear, surprise, ruthless efficiency,
and an almost fanatical devotion to the Pope, and nice red uniforms
- Oh damn! I can't say it, you'll have to say it. - What?
You'll have to say the bit about 'Our chief weapons are ...'
I couldn't do that...
I didn't expect a kind of Spanish Inquisition.
Er.... Nobody...um....
- Expects. - Expects.
- Nobody expects the...um... - Inquisition.
I know...I know!
Nobody expects the Spanish Inquisition. In fact, those who do expect...
- Our chief weapons are... - Our chief weapons are...um...er...
- Surprise... - Surprise and...
Stop. Stop there! Stop there. Whew!
Our chief weapon is surprise, blah, blah, blah, blah.
Cardinal, read the charges.
You are hereby charged that you did on diverse dates commit heresy against the Holy Church.
- My old man said... - That's enough.
Now, how do you plead?
We're innocent.
We'll soon change your mind about that!
Fear, surprise, and a most ruthless...
Now, Cardinal, the rack!
You... Right!
Tie her down.
Right! How do you plead?
- Innocent. - Ha! Right!
Cardinal, give the rack (oh dear)
give the rack a turn.
I...
I know. I know you can't. I didn't want to say anything.
I just wanted to try and ignore your crass mistake.
- It makes it all seem so stupid. - Shall I, um...?
Oh, go on, just pretend for God's sake.
Ah, hello, you don't know me, but I'm from the BBC.
We were wondering if you'd come and answer the door in a sketch over there, in that sort of direction...
You wouldn't have to do anything, just open the door and that's it.
Oh, well all right, yes.
Jolly good. Come this way.
Yes, we're on film at the moment, you see.
It's a link, is it?
Yes that's right, that sort of thing, yes, a link.
It's all a bit zany, you know a bit madcap funster...
Frankly I don't fully understand it myself,
the kids seem to like it.
I much prefer Des O'Connor, Rolf Harris, Tom Jones, you know...
TO THE SKETCH
You do a lot of this sort of thing, do you?
Quite a lot yes, quite a lot. I'm mainly in comedy.
I'd like to be in Programming Planning actually, but I've got a degree.
Joke, sir? Guaranteed amusing.
As used by the crowned heads of Europe. Has brought tears to the eyes of Royalty.
'Denmark has never laughed so much', The Stage.
Nice little novelty number 'a naughty Humphrey' breaks the ice at parties.
Put it on the table. Press the button. It vomits.
Absolutely guaranteed. With refills.
'Black soap', leave it in the bathroom,
they wash their hands, real fungus grows on the fingers.
Can't get it off for hours.
Frighten the elderly: real snakes.
Comedy hernia kit.
Plastic flesh wounds - just keep your friends in stitches.
Hours of fun with 'honeymoon delight' empty it into their beds,
real skunk juice.
They won't forget their wedding night.
Sticks to the skin, absolutely waterproof.
Amuse your friends: CS gas canisters
smells, tastes and acts just like the real thing.
Can blind, maim or kill.
Or for drinks, why not buy a 'wicked willy' with a life-size winkle
serves warm beer. Makes real cocktails. Hours of amusement!
Or get the new Pooh-Pooh machine. Embarrass your guests,
completely authentic sound.
Or why not try a new 'naughty nightie'
put it on and it melts, just watch their faces.
Guaranteed to break the ice at naughty parties.
Go on, go on.
What?
Do the punchline.
What punchline?
The punchline for this bit.
I don't know it. They didn't say anything about a punchline.
Oh! Oh well in that case I'll be saying goodbye then, sir...
Goodbye then, sir.
What's the punchline?
Punchline? I don't think there's a punchline scheduled, is there?
Where are we? A week 39.4 no, 39.7.
it's Friday, isn't it?
Oh ... here we are. Oh!
Ha, ha, ha, very good! Ha, ha, ha, very good.
What a good punchline.
Pity we missed that.
Still, never mind, we can always do it again. Make a series out of it.
Now if you'll just sign there,
I'll put this through to our contracts department
and you should be hearing from them in a year or two.
Can you give me a lift back?
Ah - can do. But won't.
We were wondering if we could possibly borrow your head for a piece of animation.
What?
Oh jolly good. Thanks very much. You will get expenses.
Sergeant, somehow we've got to get in there and get it.
- It's gonna be difficult. - You need some sort of diversion?
- Sure, but what? - Well we could...
It's got to be...
Wait! I've got it.
Well done, soldier.
- Load and fire! - Yes, sir.
Fire!
Damn!
Ready? Aim!
Fire!
We are not amused.
Gentlemen, our MP saw the PM this AM
and the PM wants more LSD from the PIB by tomorrow AM or PM at the latest.
I told the PM's PPS that AM was NBG so tomorrow PM it is for the PM nem. con.
Give us a fag or I'll go spare.
Now, the fiscal deficit with regard to the monetary balance,
the current financial year excluding invisible exports,
but adjusted of course for seasonal variations
and the incremental statistics of the fiscal
and revenue arrangements for the forthcoming annual budgetary period terminating in April.
I think he's talking about taxation.
Bravo, Madge. Well done.
Taxation is indeed the very nub of my gist.
Gentlemen, we have to find something new to tax.
I understood that.
If I might put my head on the chopping block so you can kick it around a bit, sir...
Well most things we do for pleasure nowadays are taxed,
except one.
What do you mean?
Well, er, smoking's been taxed, drinking's been taxed
but not ... thingy.
Good Lord!
You're not suggesting we should tax... thingy?
Poo poo's?
No.
Thank God for that. Excuse me for a moment.
No, no, no - thingy.
Number ones?
No, thingy.
Thingy!
Ah, thingy.
Well it'll certainly make chartered accountancy a much more interesting job.
I would put a tax on all people who stand in water...
To boost the British economy I'd tax all foreigners living abroad.
I would tax the nude in my bed.
No - not tax. What is the word? Oh - 'welcome'.
I would tax Racquel Welch.
I've a feeling she'd tax me.
Bring back hanging and go into rope.
I would cut off the more disreputable parts of the body
and use the space for playing fields.
I would tax holiday snaps.
This is Uncle Ted in front of the house.
This is Uncle Ted at the back of the house.
And this is Uncle Ted at the side of the house.
This is Uncle Ted back in front of the house, but you can see the side of the house.
And this is Uncle Ted even nearer the side of the house,
but you can still see the front.
This is the back of the house, with Uncle Ted coming round the side to the front.
And the is the Spanish Inquisition hiding behind the coal shed.
Oh! I didn't expect a Spanish Inquisition.
Nobody expects the Spanish Inquisition!
Now, old woman!
You are accused of heresy on three counts.
Heresy by thought, heresy by word, heresy by deed, and heresy by action.
Four counts.
Do you confess?
I don't understand what I'm accused of.
Ha! Then we shall make you understand.
Biggles!
Fetch... the cushions!
Here they are, lord.
Now, old lady, you have one last chance.
Confess the heinous sin of heresy, reject the works of the ungodly
two last chances.
And you shall be free...
Three last chances.
You have three last chances, the nature of which I have divulged in my previous utterance.
I don't know what you're talking about.
Right! If that's the way you want it.
Cardinal! Poke her with the soft cushions!
Confess! Confess! Confess!
It doesn't seem to be hurting her, my lord.
- Have you got all the stuffing up one end? - Yes, lord.
Hm! She is made of harder stuff!
Cardinal Fang!
Fetch... the comfy chair!
The comfy chair?
So you think you are strong because you can survive the soft cushions.
Well, we shall see.
Biggles! Put her in the Comfy Chair!
Now. You will stay in the Comfy Chair until lunch time,
with only a cup of coffee at eleven...
- Is that really all it is? - Why, yes lord.
I see. I suppose we make it worse by shouting a lot, do we?
Confess, woman.
Confess!
I confess!
Not you!
I confess.
Who was that?
I confess.
Well Madam, I'm glad you've come to see me.
As a doctor I shall be trying to help you and do everything I can to assist you...
I'm a bit deaf.
Louder, please. I still can't hear.
Pick up, I can't hear you. I'm deaf...
And now for the very first time on the silver screen
comes the film from two books that once shocked a generation.
From Emily Brontė's 'Wuthering Heights' and from the 'International Guide to Semaphore Code',
Twentieth Century Vole presents 'The Semaphore Version of Wuthering Heights'.
On the pages of history...
from the dark imperious days of Imperial Rome...
we bring you a story that shattered the world,
a tale so gripping that they said it could not be filmed.
A unique event in cinema history
From the makers of:
Ladies and gentlemen of the jury, have you reached a verdict?
We have, m'lud.
And how do you find the defendant?
Two words.
First word.
Rope? String?
Point?
Belt?
Tie?
Cravat? Silk square?
Knot?
Knot!
Second word.
Two syllables.
First syllable.
Bird?
Swimmer?
Breast stroke?
Brian Phelps?
No, no, no, he was a diver.
Esther Williams then.
No, no, don't be silly. How can you find someone 'Not Esther Williams'.
Fish.
- Fish wheeze. - Fish wheeze?
Fish breathe.
Fish breathe, throat.
Fish breathe, throat? GILL!
Gill.
Not gill.
Second syllable.
Not gill...
Drink.
Sip? Imbibe?
Not gill ... cup?
Not gillcup!
You have been found not gillcup of the charges brought against you
and may leave this court a free man.
Right. My turn.
Four words.
First word - shout?
- Bellow? - Call?
Call!
Second word is very small.
- A? - An?
- Up? - The?
The.
Call the... Third word.
Gill?
- Fish? - Adam's apple.
Neck.
Sounds like neck?
Next.
Call the ... next!
Fourth word, three syllables.
First syllable...
- Ear? - Hear.
Can't hear.
Deaf!
Call the next def-
Bottom.
Seat?
Trouser? Cheek?
End! Call the next defend-
Ant!
Call the next defendant!
Call the next defendant. The Honourable Mr Justice Kilbraken.
If I may charge you m'lud, you are charged that on the fourteenth day of June 1970, at the Central Criminal Court,
you did commit acts likely to cause a breach of the peace.
How plead you m'lud, guilty or not guilty?
Not guilty. Case not proven. Court adjourned.
No, no, no.
No, you're in the dock, m'lud.
I'm a judge, m'lud.
So am I, m'lud, so watch it.
Hah! Call this a court.
Call this a court. Call this a court.
Shut up. Now get on with the spiel.
M'lud, and my other lud, the prosecution will endeavour to show m'lud, that m'lud
ah, not you m'lud, that m'lud, m'lud,
while passing sentence at the Central Criminal Court
blotted his copy book. Call exhibit Q.
Q?
Sorry did I say Q? I meant A.
Sorry, call exhibit A.
Exhibit A m'lud, Miss Rita Thang,
an artist's model, Swedish accordion teacher
and cane-chair sales lady,
was found guilty under the Rude Behaviour Act
in the accused's court.
The accused, m'lud, sentenced her to be taken from this place and brought round to his place.
- Objection, m'lud. - Objection sustained.
You shut up! Objection overruled.
The accused then commented on Miss Thang's bodily structure,
made several not-at-all legal remarks on the subject of fun
and then placed his robes over his head and began to emit low moans.
- Have you anything to say in your defense? - I haven't had any for weeks.
Oh no? What about that little number you've got tucked away in Belsize Park?
- Oh, I never! - Oh no. Ho! Ho! Ho!
All right then what about 8a Woodford Square?
You say anything about that and I'll do you for treason.
M'lud if we could continue...
He's got a Chinese bit there.
No, that's contempt of court.
- It was only a joke. - Contempt of court.
However, I'm not going to punish you because we're so short of judges at the moment,
what with all of them emigrating to South Africa.
I'm going tomorrow; I've got my ticket.
Get out there and get some decent sentencing done.
Ooh, England makes you sick.
Best I can manage here is life imprisonment.
It's hardly worth coming in in the morning.
Now, South Africa? You've got your cat of nine tails, you've got four death sentences a week,
you've got cheap drinks, slave labour and a booming stock market.
I'm off, I tell you.
Yes, I'm up to here with probation and bleeding psychiatric reports.
That's it, I'm off. That's it. Right.
But I'm going to have one final fling before I leave,
so I sentence you to be burnt to the stake.
Blimey! I didn't expect the Spanish Inquisition.
Two, er, three to the Old Bailey please.
- Look they've started the credits. - Hurry. Hurry. Hurry.
There's the lighting credit, only five left.
Hell, it's the producer - quick!
Nobody expects the Spa... Oh bugger!