1 00:01:02,300 --> 00:01:04,800 And now for something completely different. 2 00:01:05,400 --> 00:01:06,400 It's... 3 00:01:39,200 --> 00:01:43,200 4 00:01:43,600 --> 00:01:48,600 Hello, and welcome to the show. 5 00:01:49,500 --> 00:01:55,500 Without more ado, the first item 6 00:01:55,900 --> 00:02:00,600 is a sketch about architects, 7 00:02:01,000 --> 00:02:05,700 called The Architects Sketch... 8 00:02:09,100 --> 00:02:12,500 The Architects Sketch... 9 00:02:14,900 --> 00:02:18,000 The Architects Sketch... 10 00:02:19,900 --> 00:02:22,500 The Architects Sketch... 11 00:02:23,600 --> 00:02:27,200 Up there!... Up there!... 12 00:02:28,900 --> 00:02:32,900 Up there!... 13 00:02:34,900 --> 00:02:39,400 Gentlemen, we have two basic suggestions for the design of this... 14 00:02:42,100 --> 00:02:45,400 Gentlemen, we have two basic suggestions for the design of this... 15 00:02:48,300 --> 00:02:49,200 Shut up! 16 00:02:50,900 --> 00:02:53,100 Gentlemen, we have two basic suggestions... 17 00:03:07,400 --> 00:03:09,600 Gentlemen, we have two basic suggestions 18 00:03:09,900 --> 00:03:13,100 for the design of this residential block, 19 00:03:13,900 --> 00:03:16,200 and I thought it best 20 00:03:16,200 --> 00:03:19,700 that the architects themselves came in to explain the advantages of both designs. 21 00:03:20,500 --> 00:03:22,500 That must be the first architect now. 22 00:03:24,000 --> 00:03:27,300 Ah yes, it's Mr Wiggin of Ironside and Malone. 23 00:03:27,900 --> 00:03:29,100 Good morning, gentlemen. 24 00:03:29,700 --> 00:03:33,500 This is a twelwe-storey block combining classical neo-Georgian features 25 00:03:33,800 --> 00:03:36,700 with the advantages of modern design. 26 00:03:36,700 --> 00:03:39,900 The tenants arrive in the entrance hall here, 27 00:03:39,900 --> 00:03:43,200 and are carried along the corridor on a conveyor belt in extreme comfort 28 00:03:43,200 --> 00:03:46,200 and past murals depicting Mediterranean scenes, towards the rotating knives. 29 00:03:46,600 --> 00:03:49,800 The last twenty feet of the corridor are heavily soundproofed. 30 00:03:49,800 --> 00:03:54,400 The blood pours down these chutes and the mangled flesh slurps into these... 31 00:03:54,400 --> 00:03:55,500 Excuse me... 32 00:03:55,800 --> 00:03:57,500 Did you say knives? 33 00:03:58,200 --> 00:04:00,000 Rotating knives, yes. 34 00:04:00,300 --> 00:04:02,900 Are you proposing to slaughter our tenants? 35 00:04:04,500 --> 00:04:09,800 - Does that not fit in with your plans? - No, it does not. We asked for a simple block of flats. 36 00:04:10,100 --> 00:04:14,100 Oh, I see. I hadn't correctly divined your attitude towards your tenants. 37 00:04:14,900 --> 00:04:17,900 You see I mainly design slaughter houses. 38 00:04:18,600 --> 00:04:20,700 Yes, pity. Mind you, this is a real beauty. 39 00:04:21,000 --> 00:04:24,900 I mean, none of your blood caked on the walls and flesh flying out of the windows, inconveniencing the passers-by with this one. 40 00:04:24,900 --> 00:04:26,900 I mean, my life has been building up to this. 41 00:04:26,900 --> 00:04:30,300 Yes, and well done, but we did want a block of flats. 42 00:04:30,300 --> 00:04:33,100 May I ask you to reconsider. I mean, you wouldn't regret it. Think of the tourist trade. 43 00:04:33,600 --> 00:04:37,900 No, no, it's just that we wanted a block of flats, not an abattoir. 44 00:04:38,700 --> 00:04:42,400 Yes, well, of course, this is just the sort of blinkered philistine pig ignorance 45 00:04:42,700 --> 00:04:45,400 I've come to expect from you non-creative garbage. 46 00:04:45,700 --> 00:04:49,600 You sit there on your loathsome, spotty behinds squeezing blackheads, 47 00:04:49,600 --> 00:04:52,800 not caring a tinker's cuss about the struggling artist. 48 00:04:52,800 --> 00:04:54,300 You excrement! 49 00:04:54,300 --> 00:04:57,000 You lousy hypocritical whining toadies 50 00:04:57,500 --> 00:05:00,500 with your lousy colour TV sets and your Tony Jacklin golf clubs 51 00:05:00,900 --> 00:05:04,200 and your bleeding masonic handshakes! 52 00:05:04,200 --> 00:05:09,700 You wouldn't let me join, would you, you blackballing bastards. 53 00:05:09,700 --> 00:05:12,300 Well I wouldn't become a freemason now 54 00:05:12,300 --> 00:05:15,600 if you went down on your lousy, stinking, purulent knees and begged me. 55 00:05:16,500 --> 00:05:20,400 Well, we're sorry you feel like that but we, er, did want a block of flats. 56 00:05:20,700 --> 00:05:23,000 Nice though the abattoir is. 57 00:05:23,500 --> 00:05:25,700 Oh the abattoir, that's not important. 58 00:05:25,700 --> 00:05:28,400 But if any of you could put in a word for me I'd love to be a freemason. 59 00:05:28,400 --> 00:05:30,800 Freemasonry opens doors. I mean... 60 00:05:31,200 --> 00:05:32,700 I was...I was a bit on edge just now, 61 00:05:32,700 --> 00:05:35,400 but if I were a mason I'd sit at the back and not get in anyone's way. 62 00:05:35,700 --> 00:05:36,900 Thank you. 63 00:05:36,900 --> 00:05:40,000 - I've got a second-hand apron. - Thank you. 64 00:05:44,400 --> 00:05:47,200 - I nearly got in at Hendon. - Thank you. 65 00:05:47,500 --> 00:05:52,000 I'm sorry about that, gentlemen. The second architect is Mr Leavey of Wymis and Dibble. 66 00:05:52,500 --> 00:05:56,500 Good morning gentlemen. This is a scale model of the block. 67 00:05:56,700 --> 00:06:00,400 There are 28 storeys, with 280 modern apartments. 68 00:06:00,400 --> 00:06:03,100 There are 3 main lifts and 2 service lifts. 69 00:06:03,400 --> 00:06:05,400 Access would be from Dibbingley Road. 70 00:06:07,600 --> 00:06:10,500 The structure is built on a central pillar system 71 00:06:10,800 --> 00:06:14,800 with cantilevered floors in pre-stressed steel and concrete. 72 00:06:15,100 --> 00:06:18,500 The dividing walls on each floor section 73 00:06:18,500 --> 00:06:20,100 are fixed by recessed magnalium flanged grooves. 74 00:06:22,100 --> 00:06:25,100 By avoiding wood and timber derivatives 75 00:06:25,100 --> 00:06:30,400 and all other flammables, we have almost totally removed the risk of... 76 00:06:30,900 --> 00:06:31,900 77 00:06:34,200 --> 00:06:38,700 Quite frankly, I think the central pillar system may need strengthening a bit. 78 00:06:39,100 --> 00:06:41,000 - Isn't that going to put the cost up? - It might. 79 00:06:41,300 --> 00:06:46,300 Well, I don't know whether I'd worry about strengthening that much. After all, they're not meant to be luxury flats. 80 00:06:46,700 --> 00:06:51,200 I quite agree. I mean, providing the tenants are of light build and relatively sedentary and, 81 00:06:51,500 --> 00:06:54,400 given a spot of good weather, I think we're on to a winner here. 82 00:06:55,400 --> 00:06:56,600 Thank you. 83 00:06:58,300 --> 00:07:00,500 Quite agree. Quite agree. 84 00:07:00,500 --> 00:07:02,600 Thank you very much. Thank you. 85 00:07:02,900 --> 00:07:04,400 It opens doors, I'm telling you. 86 00:07:04,700 --> 00:07:07,600 Let's have a look at that handshake again in slow motion. 87 00:07:09,500 --> 00:07:12,600 What other ways are there of recognizing a mason? 88 00:07:39,900 --> 00:07:41,900 89 00:07:43,200 --> 00:07:49,000 Having once identified a mason immediate steps must be taken to isolate him from the general public. 90 00:07:50,100 --> 00:07:55,000 Having accomplished that, it is now possible to cure him of these unfortunate masonic tendencies 91 00:07:55,300 --> 00:07:58,000 through the use of behavioural psychotherapy. 92 00:07:58,700 --> 00:08:02,000 In this treatment, the patient is rewarded for the correct response 93 00:08:02,700 --> 00:08:05,900 and punished for the wrong one. Let us begin. 94 00:08:06,200 --> 00:08:07,400 95 00:08:07,400 --> 00:08:10,000 Would you like to give up being a mason? 96 00:08:11,600 --> 00:08:12,600 Think carefully. 97 00:08:13,800 --> 00:08:14,900 Think. 98 00:08:16,100 --> 00:08:17,100 Think. 99 00:08:19,300 --> 00:08:21,000 - No. - No? That's wrong! 100 00:08:21,300 --> 00:08:24,100 Wrong! Wrong! Wrong! 101 00:08:24,700 --> 00:08:26,500 No! No! Bad! Bad! 102 00:08:29,300 --> 00:08:33,000 The BBC would like to apologize for the following announcement. 103 00:08:48,500 --> 00:08:56,800 Oh! And the next item is a sketch about insurance 104 00:08:57,300 --> 00:09:01,200 called 'Insurance Sketch'. 105 00:09:02,500 --> 00:09:04,900 'Insurance Sketch'... 106 00:09:06,100 --> 00:09:07,900 'Insurance Sketch'... 107 00:09:09,700 --> 00:09:10,700 What do you want? 108 00:09:11,700 --> 00:09:12,900 109 00:09:12,900 --> 00:09:16,300 Well I've come about your special fully comprehensive motor insurance policy offer... 110 00:09:17,300 --> 00:09:18,500 What was that? 111 00:09:18,500 --> 00:09:20,800 Fully comprehensive motor insurance for one-and-eightpence. 112 00:09:20,800 --> 00:09:23,200 Oh, oh, yes... 113 00:09:23,700 --> 00:09:27,200 yeah well, unfortunately, guv, that offer's no longer valid. 114 00:09:27,500 --> 00:09:29,900 You see, it turned out not to be economically viable, 115 00:09:30,300 --> 00:09:32,900 so we now have a totally new offer... 116 00:09:32,900 --> 00:09:34,700 - What's that? - A nude lady. 117 00:09:34,700 --> 00:09:36,200 - A nude lady? - Yes. 118 00:09:36,200 --> 00:09:38,600 You get a nude lady with a fully comprehensive motor insurance. 119 00:09:38,900 --> 00:09:41,900 If you just want third party she has to keep her bra on, and if it's just theft... 120 00:09:41,900 --> 00:09:44,900 No, no, I don't really want that, Mr... 121 00:09:45,600 --> 00:09:46,900 - Devious. - Mr Devious. 122 00:09:46,900 --> 00:09:51,500 I just want to know what it would cost me to have a fully comprehensive inurance on a 1970 Aston Martin. 123 00:09:53,000 --> 00:09:54,700 - Aston Martin? - Yes. 124 00:09:54,700 --> 00:09:56,600 - 500 quid. - 500 quid? 125 00:09:56,600 --> 00:09:57,800 - 40 quid. - 40 quid? 126 00:09:57,800 --> 00:10:01,000 - Forty quid and a nude lady. - No, no, I'm not interested in a nude lady. 127 00:10:01,000 --> 00:10:03,700 - Dirty books? - No, look, I'm not interested in any af that. 128 00:10:03,700 --> 00:10:08,300 I just want to know what it would cost me to have a fully comprehensive insurance on a 1970 Aston Martin. 129 00:10:08,300 --> 00:10:10,300 Can you please quote me your price? 130 00:10:10,300 --> 00:10:11,200 Knock knock. 131 00:10:11,500 --> 00:10:13,100 - Who's there? - The Reverend... 132 00:10:13,100 --> 00:10:15,900 - The Reverend who? - The Reverend Morrison. 133 00:10:15,900 --> 00:10:17,900 Oh, come in. 134 00:10:19,300 --> 00:10:21,200 Now then, vic. What's the trouble? 135 00:10:21,500 --> 00:10:26,000 - Well, it's about this letter you sent me. - Excuse me, do I have any more lines? 136 00:10:26,300 --> 00:10:29,000 I don't know, mush, I'll have to look in the script... 137 00:10:30,100 --> 00:10:31,900 Where are we? Show 8. 138 00:10:33,000 --> 00:10:35,000 - Are you 'man'? - Yeah. 139 00:10:36,300 --> 00:10:38,900 No...no, you're finished. 140 00:10:38,900 --> 00:10:40,700 Well, I'll be off then. 141 00:10:43,700 --> 00:10:45,400 'The vicar sits'. 142 00:10:45,700 --> 00:10:49,100 It's about this letter you sent me regarding my insurance claim. 143 00:10:49,600 --> 00:10:50,600 Oh, yeah, yeah - well, you see, 144 00:10:51,000 --> 00:10:56,000 it's just that we're not as yet... totally satisfied with the grounds of your claim. 145 00:10:56,000 --> 00:10:59,200 But it says something about filling my mouth in with cement. 146 00:10:59,200 --> 00:11:01,700 Oh well, that's just insurance jargon, you know. 147 00:11:02,300 --> 00:11:06,700 But my car was hit by a lorry while standing in the garage and you refuse to pay my claim. 148 00:11:07,100 --> 00:11:10,000 Oh well, reverend Morrison, in your policy... 149 00:11:11,900 --> 00:11:13,900 in your policy... 150 00:11:16,400 --> 00:11:17,900 Here we are. 151 00:11:19,100 --> 00:11:24,400 It states quite clearly that no claim you make will be paid. 152 00:11:26,100 --> 00:11:29,400 You see, you unfortunately plumped for our 'Neverpay' policy, 153 00:11:29,700 --> 00:11:33,200 which, you know, if you never claim is very worthwhile... 154 00:11:33,200 --> 00:11:35,700 but you had to claim, and, well, there it is. 155 00:11:35,700 --> 00:11:37,600 Oh dear, oh dear. 156 00:11:37,600 --> 00:11:39,600 Still, never mind - could be worse. How's the nude lady? 157 00:11:39,900 --> 00:11:41,400 Oh, she's fine. 158 00:11:44,300 --> 00:11:47,200 Look, Rev... I hate to see a man cry, 159 00:11:47,600 --> 00:11:49,700 so shove off out the office, there's a good chap. 160 00:11:56,900 --> 00:11:59,200 OK, Devious...Don't move! 161 00:11:59,200 --> 00:12:00,200 The bishop! 162 00:12:01,400 --> 00:12:02,800 163 00:12:02,800 --> 00:12:05,100 164 00:12:05,100 --> 00:12:06,300 165 00:12:11,600 --> 00:12:12,600 166 00:12:14,900 --> 00:12:17,100 167 00:12:19,600 --> 00:12:22,600 168 00:12:24,600 --> 00:12:27,900 169 00:12:29,500 --> 00:12:32,100 170 00:12:52,200 --> 00:12:54,500 I take as my text for today... 171 00:12:54,900 --> 00:12:57,400 The text, vic! Don't say the text! 172 00:12:57,700 --> 00:12:59,700 Leviticus 3-14... 173 00:13:03,300 --> 00:13:07,200 We was too late. The Reverend Grundy bit the ceiling. 174 00:13:09,300 --> 00:13:10,700 Hello? ... What?... 175 00:13:11,200 --> 00:13:12,600 We'll be right over! 176 00:13:26,900 --> 00:13:30,500 And it is for this reason that the Christian Church lays upon you, the godparents, 177 00:13:30,900 --> 00:13:34,900 the obligation of seeing this child 178 00:13:35,300 --> 00:13:37,900 is brought up in the Christian faith. 179 00:13:37,900 --> 00:13:39,600 Therefore, I name this child... 180 00:13:39,600 --> 00:13:41,100 Don't say the kid's name, vic! 181 00:13:41,600 --> 00:13:43,400 Francesco Luigi... 182 00:13:47,500 --> 00:13:50,700 We was too late... The Rev. Neuk saw the light. 183 00:13:55,500 --> 00:13:57,800 The ring, vic! Don't touch the ring! 184 00:14:10,300 --> 00:14:11,500 Hey vic! 185 00:14:17,300 --> 00:14:20,800 ...dust to dust, ashes to ashes. 186 00:14:49,300 --> 00:14:51,000 Help... 187 00:14:51,300 --> 00:14:52,200 Help... 188 00:14:52,800 --> 00:14:55,000 Help... Help... 189 00:14:55,300 --> 00:14:58,200 Help... 190 00:15:21,500 --> 00:15:23,100 Come on! 191 00:15:28,900 --> 00:15:30,600 OK, Devious... Don't move! 192 00:15:31,300 --> 00:15:32,400 The bishop! 193 00:15:33,400 --> 00:15:34,400 194 00:15:34,700 --> 00:15:36,600 195 00:15:37,100 --> 00:15:38,100 196 00:15:43,500 --> 00:15:44,500 197 00:15:45,900 --> 00:15:47,900 198 00:15:48,600 --> 00:15:51,200 - This is where we came in. - Yes. 199 00:16:01,100 --> 00:16:03,900 Oh, it's nice to be home. 200 00:16:04,600 --> 00:16:07,900 - Builders haven't been then. - No. 201 00:16:08,200 --> 00:16:11,400 These two old people are typical of the housing problem 202 00:16:11,800 --> 00:16:13,800 facing Britain's aged. 203 00:16:13,800 --> 00:16:17,000 Here! Don't you start doing a documentary on us, young man. 204 00:16:17,000 --> 00:16:19,300 - Oh please ... - No, you leave us alone! 205 00:16:19,600 --> 00:16:22,800 Oh, just a little one about the appalling conditions under which you live. 206 00:16:22,800 --> 00:16:24,800 No! Get out of our house! Go on! 207 00:16:27,500 --> 00:16:29,700 Oh all right. Come on, George, pick it up. 208 00:16:31,200 --> 00:16:35,000 Why don't you do a documentary about the drug problem round in Walton Street? 209 00:16:40,200 --> 00:16:42,200 Oh, I'll go and have a bath. 210 00:16:45,000 --> 00:16:48,200 The splendour fans on castle walls 211 00:16:48,900 --> 00:16:52,200 And snowy summits old in story... 212 00:16:52,200 --> 00:16:55,100 'Ere, there's Alfred Lord Tennyson in the bathroom. 213 00:16:55,800 --> 00:16:58,400 Well, at least the poet's been installed, then. 214 00:16:59,600 --> 00:17:03,200 Yes, a poet is essential for complete home comfort, and all-year round reliability at low cost. 215 00:17:03,500 --> 00:17:06,900 We in the East Midlands Poet Board 216 00:17:06,900 --> 00:17:08,900 hope to have a poet in every home by the end of next year. 217 00:17:09,400 --> 00:17:13,100 Poets are both clean and warm And most are far above the norm 218 00:17:13,100 --> 00:17:16,500 Whether here, or on the roam Have a poet in every home. 219 00:17:17,600 --> 00:17:22,700 I wandered lonely as a cloud That floats on high... 220 00:17:23,500 --> 00:17:26,000 Morning, madam, I've come to read your poet. 221 00:17:26,500 --> 00:17:29,400 Oh yes, he's in the cupboard under the stairs. 222 00:17:30,300 --> 00:17:32,300 What is it, a Swinburne? Shelley? 223 00:17:32,600 --> 00:17:35,600 - No, it's a Wordsworth. - Oh, bloody daffodils. 224 00:17:36,500 --> 00:17:40,000 A host of golden daffodils Beside the lake, beneath the trees Fluttering and dancing in the breeze 225 00:17:40,300 --> 00:17:44,700 Continuous as the stars that shine And twinkle on the Milky Way They stretch in... 226 00:17:47,200 --> 00:17:49,800 - Right. Thank you, madam. - Oh, not at all. Thank you... 227 00:17:54,400 --> 00:17:56,500 It's a nice day, isn't it? 228 00:17:56,800 --> 00:17:59,800 Yes, yes, the weather situation is generally favourable. 229 00:18:00,200 --> 00:18:03,100 There's a ridge of high pressure centered over Ireland 230 00:18:03,100 --> 00:18:07,100 which is moving steadily eastward bringing cloudy weather to parts of the West Country, 231 00:18:07,500 --> 00:18:10,200 Wales and areas west of the Pennines. 232 00:18:10,500 --> 00:18:14,500 On tomorrow's chart... 233 00:18:14,800 --> 00:18:18,400 the picture is much the same. With this occluded front bringing drier, warmer weather. 234 00:18:18,400 --> 00:18:21,500 Temperatures about average for the time of year. 235 00:18:21,900 --> 00:18:24,300 That's 3 degrees centigrade, 44 degrees fahrenheit, so don't forget to wrap up well. 236 00:18:24,700 --> 00:18:26,600 That's all from me. Goodnight. 237 00:18:27,900 --> 00:18:31,200 Now on BBC television a choice of viewing. 238 00:18:31,200 --> 00:18:34,900 On BBC 2 - a discussion on censorship between Derek Hart, 239 00:18:34,900 --> 00:18:37,800 The Bishop of Woolwich and a nude man. 240 00:18:37,800 --> 00:18:41,000 And on BBC 1 - me telling you this. 241 00:18:41,000 --> 00:18:42,200 And now... 242 00:18:42,200 --> 00:18:44,600 We don't want that, do we. Do you really want that cherry in your tea? 243 00:18:44,900 --> 00:18:49,500 - Do you like doing this job? - Well, it's a living, isn't it? 244 00:18:49,800 --> 00:18:52,500 I mean, don't you get bored reading people's poets all day? 245 00:18:54,300 --> 00:18:56,100 Well, you know, sometimes ... yeah. 246 00:18:56,900 --> 00:18:59,200 Anyway, I think I'd better be going. 247 00:18:59,200 --> 00:19:01,300 You've got a nice torch, haven't you? 248 00:19:02,600 --> 00:19:04,300 Er, yeah, yeah, it er... 249 00:19:04,700 --> 00:19:07,700 It er... It goes on and off. 250 00:19:09,300 --> 00:19:11,100 How many volts is it? 251 00:19:12,100 --> 00:19:14,800 - Er ... um... well, I'll have a look at the batteries. - Oh yes, yes. 252 00:19:15,200 --> 00:19:18,500 It's four and a half volts. 253 00:19:19,700 --> 00:19:21,700 Mmmm. That's wonderful. 254 00:19:21,700 --> 00:19:23,800 - Do you want another look at the poet? - No, no, I must be off, really. 255 00:19:24,100 --> 00:19:26,800 I've got Thomas Hardy in the bedroom. I'd like you to look at him. 256 00:19:27,100 --> 00:19:30,200 - Well, I can't touch him. He's a novelist. - Oh, he keeps mumbling all night. 257 00:19:30,200 --> 00:19:34,200 - Oh well, novelists do, you see. - Oh forget him! What's your name, deary? 258 00:19:35,200 --> 00:19:39,200 - Harness. - No, no! Your first name, silly! 259 00:19:39,300 --> 00:19:43,000 - Wombat. - Oh, Wombat. Wombat Harness! 260 00:19:43,000 --> 00:19:47,000 Take me to the place where eternity knows no bounds, 261 00:19:47,000 --> 00:19:50,200 where the garden of love encloses us round. 262 00:19:50,500 --> 00:19:51,400 Oh Harness! 263 00:19:51,700 --> 00:19:54,000 All right, I'll have a quick look at yer Thomas Hardy. 264 00:19:54,900 --> 00:19:57,400 Nude man, what did you make of that? 265 00:19:57,400 --> 00:20:02,200 Well, don't you see, that was exactly the kind of explicit sexual reference I'm objecting to. 266 00:20:02,500 --> 00:20:03,600 It's titillation for the sake of it. 267 00:20:04,200 --> 00:20:06,600 A deliberate attempt at cheap sensationalism. 268 00:20:06,900 --> 00:20:11,500 I don't care what the so-called avant-garde, left-wing, intellectual namby-pambies say... 269 00:20:12,000 --> 00:20:13,000 It is filth! 270 00:20:13,400 --> 00:20:14,400 Bishop. 271 00:20:15,200 --> 00:20:17,200 Okay, don't anybody move! 272 00:20:18,000 --> 00:20:19,500 273 00:20:19,500 --> 00:20:22,100 274 00:20:22,100 --> 00:20:23,000 275 00:20:23,300 --> 00:20:24,500 276 00:20:24,500 --> 00:20:28,400 The BBC would like to apologize for the constant repetition in this show. 277 00:20:29,400 --> 00:20:34,300 The BBC would like to apologize for the constant repetition in this show. 278 00:20:58,600 --> 00:21:03,800 279 00:21:03,800 --> 00:21:06,500 280 00:21:06,800 --> 00:21:09,300 281 00:21:17,900 --> 00:21:18,900 I... 282 00:21:19,200 --> 00:21:20,200 hope... 283 00:21:20,600 --> 00:21:21,800 you're... 284 00:21:21,800 --> 00:21:23,000 en... 285 00:21:23,000 --> 00:21:24,200 joy... 286 00:21:24,200 --> 00:21:25,400 ing... 287 00:21:25,400 --> 00:21:26,400 this! 288 00:21:28,400 --> 00:21:33,100 'tention; there's been a nasty 5 frog curse near the M4. 289 00:21:33,400 --> 00:21:35,400 Proceed immediately to the area. 290 00:21:37,700 --> 00:21:40,200 - Oh dear... - Looks bad! 291 00:21:40,200 --> 00:21:41,800 Very bad. 292 00:21:42,400 --> 00:21:45,500 Only one thing to do with a multiple frog curse like this. 293 00:21:45,500 --> 00:21:47,700 Get the magic wound. 294 00:21:47,700 --> 00:21:50,200 Clear out the area. Fire! 295 00:21:56,200 --> 00:21:58,100 Thank you. 296 00:21:58,600 --> 00:22:05,300 And now a sketch about a chemist 297 00:22:05,900 --> 00:22:10,600 called 'The Chemist Sketch'. 298 00:22:11,400 --> 00:22:12,600 299 00:22:13,300 --> 00:22:16,100 Right. I've got some of your prescriptions here. 300 00:22:16,100 --> 00:22:18,100 Er, who's got the pox? 301 00:22:22,200 --> 00:22:24,100 Come on, who's got the pox... 302 00:22:24,500 --> 00:22:26,100 Come on... 303 00:22:26,400 --> 00:22:27,400 There you go. 304 00:22:29,400 --> 00:22:32,000 Who's got a boil on the bum... 305 00:22:32,500 --> 00:22:34,100 Boil on the botty? 306 00:22:34,700 --> 00:22:35,800 Who's got the chest rash? 307 00:22:38,500 --> 00:22:41,000 Have to get a bigger bottle. 308 00:22:41,600 --> 00:22:42,600 Who's got wind? 309 00:22:43,400 --> 00:22:44,600 Catch. 310 00:22:45,200 --> 00:22:50,300 The BBC would like to apologize for the poor quality of the writing in that sketch. 311 00:22:50,800 --> 00:22:54,700 It is not BBC policy to get easy laughs with words like bum, 312 00:22:54,700 --> 00:22:57,100 knickers, botty or wee-wees. 313 00:22:59,000 --> 00:23:02,300 These are the words which are not to be used again on this programme. 314 00:23:03,000 --> 00:23:04,000 315 00:23:04,500 --> 00:23:05,700 316 00:23:06,400 --> 00:23:07,500 317 00:23:08,300 --> 00:23:09,700 318 00:23:11,000 --> 00:23:12,000 319 00:23:12,400 --> 00:23:13,800 320 00:23:14,700 --> 00:23:16,300 321 00:23:16,300 --> 00:23:17,500 - Semprini!? - Out! 322 00:23:19,100 --> 00:23:21,900 Right, who's got a boil on his Semprini, then? 323 00:23:25,600 --> 00:23:28,500 324 00:23:30,500 --> 00:23:33,400 - Good morning. - I'd like some aftershave, please. 325 00:23:33,800 --> 00:23:35,600 Ah, certainly. Walk this way, please. 326 00:23:35,600 --> 00:23:38,900 If I could walk that way I wouldn't need aftershave. 327 00:23:40,100 --> 00:23:42,700 328 00:23:42,700 --> 00:23:44,000 329 00:23:44,300 --> 00:23:46,000 Good morning, sir. Can I help you? 330 00:23:46,500 --> 00:23:50,100 - Yes. I'd like some aftershave. - Ah. A toilet requisite-t-t-t-t-t... 331 00:23:52,300 --> 00:23:54,100 Would you like to try this, sir? 332 00:23:54,400 --> 00:23:57,400 It's our very very latest, it's called Sea Mist. 333 00:23:58,500 --> 00:24:02,300 - I quite like it. - How about something a little more musky? This one's called Mimmo. 334 00:24:03,800 --> 00:24:07,800 - Not really, no. Have you anything a little fishier? - Fishier? 335 00:24:07,900 --> 00:24:09,900 Fishier. Fish, fish, fish. 336 00:24:10,200 --> 00:24:12,600 A fishy requisite-t-t-t-t-t... 337 00:24:14,200 --> 00:24:15,900 Like halibut or sea bass. 338 00:24:15,900 --> 00:24:16,900 - Or bream? - Yes. 339 00:24:17,300 --> 00:24:19,100 No, we haven't got any of that... 340 00:24:19,100 --> 00:24:22,300 Ah, I've got mackerel, or cod, or hake... 341 00:24:22,600 --> 00:24:24,600 You haven't got anything a little more halibutish? 342 00:24:25,900 --> 00:24:27,200 Er... parrot? 343 00:24:27,500 --> 00:24:31,300 What's that doing there? Or skate with just a hint of prawn? 344 00:24:31,700 --> 00:24:36,500 - Or crab, tiger and almonds, very unusual. - I really had my heart set on halibut. 345 00:24:36,500 --> 00:24:39,500 Well, sir, we had a fishy consignment in this morning, so I could nip down to 346 00:24:39,800 --> 00:24:43,500 the basement and see if I can come up trumps with this particular requisite-t-t-t-t-t. 347 00:24:44,300 --> 00:24:46,200 So it was halibut... or... ? 348 00:24:46,200 --> 00:24:48,000 - Sea bass. - Sea bass. Won't be a moment. 349 00:24:54,200 --> 00:24:55,300 Sorry about this... 350 00:24:59,200 --> 00:25:02,500 Normally we try to avoid these little... pauses... longueurs... 351 00:25:04,200 --> 00:25:07,300 only dramatically he's gone down to the basement, you see. 352 00:25:07,600 --> 00:25:11,300 'Course, there isn't really a basement but he just goes off and we pretend... 353 00:25:13,100 --> 00:25:17,000 Actually what happens is he goes off there, off camera, and just waits there 354 00:25:17,800 --> 00:25:21,300 so it looks as though he's gone down... to the basement. 355 00:25:23,500 --> 00:25:25,700 Actually I think he's rather overdoing it. Ah! 356 00:25:30,600 --> 00:25:33,100 Well, sorry, sir. Lot of steps. 357 00:25:36,000 --> 00:25:39,900 Well, I'm afraid it didn't come in this morning, sir. But we have got some down at our Kensington branch. 358 00:25:40,200 --> 00:25:41,300 I'll just nip down there and get it for you. 359 00:25:41,700 --> 00:25:43,600 - How long will that be? - 20 minutes. 360 00:25:43,600 --> 00:25:45,300 20 minutes? 361 00:25:54,800 --> 00:25:59,700 Oh... I wonder what other people use for aftershave lotion? 362 00:26:01,200 --> 00:26:06,300 I use a body rub called Halitosis 363 00:26:07,300 --> 00:26:10,200 to make my breath seem sweet. 364 00:26:10,800 --> 00:26:16,500 I use an aftershave called Semprini. 365 00:26:19,800 --> 00:26:22,500 I'm sorry, sorry - can't stop now, I've got to get to Kensington. 366 00:26:23,100 --> 00:26:27,000 I use two kinds of aftershave lotions: Frankincense, Myrrh... 367 00:26:27,300 --> 00:26:30,600 three kinds of aftershave lotions: Frankincense, Myrrh, Sandalwood... 368 00:26:30,900 --> 00:26:33,900 four kinds of aftershave lotion: Frankincense, ... 369 00:26:34,300 --> 00:26:38,300 I have a cold shower every morning just before I go mad, and then I go 370 00:26:38,300 --> 00:26:43,000 Mad, 1. Mad, 2. Mad, 3. Mad, 4... 371 00:26:43,800 --> 00:26:47,100 I use Rancid Polecat number two. 372 00:26:47,700 --> 00:26:50,800 It keeps my skin nice and scaly. 373 00:26:52,400 --> 00:26:54,300 Sorry again. Can't stop, got to get back. 374 00:26:54,600 --> 00:26:56,200 375 00:26:58,600 --> 00:27:02,600 Well I'm afraid they don't have any at our Kensington branch. But we have some down at the depot. 376 00:27:02,600 --> 00:27:04,200 - Where's that? - Aberdeen. 377 00:27:04,200 --> 00:27:06,200 - Aberdeen? - It's all right. Wait here, I got a car. 378 00:27:06,500 --> 00:27:10,100 - No, no, no. I'll take the other, the crab, tiger and... - Almond requisite... t... t... ? 379 00:27:10,900 --> 00:27:11,900 I'll take it. 380 00:27:25,800 --> 00:27:28,200 Right. Right! RIGHT! 381 00:27:28,600 --> 00:27:30,600 Now then! Now then! 382 00:27:31,000 --> 00:27:33,400 - Your turn. - Aren't you going to say 'What's all this then?'? 383 00:27:33,400 --> 00:27:35,400 Oh! Right, what's all this, then? 384 00:27:35,400 --> 00:27:37,800 - This man has been shoplifting, officer. - Oh, he has? Yes? 385 00:27:38,100 --> 00:27:41,500 - Are you trying to tell me my job? - No, but he's been shoplifting. 386 00:27:42,000 --> 00:27:45,400 Look! I must warn you that anything you may say will be ignored 387 00:27:45,400 --> 00:27:51,200 and furthermore, given half a chance I'll put my fist through your teeth. F'tang. F'tang. 388 00:27:51,200 --> 00:27:54,400 - But officer, this man here... - I've had enough of you. You're under arrest. 389 00:27:56,400 --> 00:27:59,400 Officer, it wasn't him. He's the shoplifter. 390 00:27:59,700 --> 00:28:02,700 - No I'm not. - He's not ... I'm a witness. 391 00:28:03,500 --> 00:28:06,500 One more peep out of you and I'll do you for heresy. 392 00:28:06,900 --> 00:28:09,000 Heresy. Blimey. I didn't expect the Spanish Inquisition. 393 00:28:09,300 --> 00:28:11,100 Shut up! F'tang. F'tang. 394 00:28:11,900 --> 00:28:13,600 Oh, that's nice. 395 00:28:14,700 --> 00:28:17,100 - Right. I'm taking you along to the station. - What for? 396 00:28:17,400 --> 00:28:20,700 I'm charging you with illegal possession of whatever we happen to have down there. 397 00:28:21,000 --> 00:28:24,200 Right. Lunar module calling Buzz Aldrin. Come in. 398 00:28:25,800 --> 00:28:30,400 Raindrops keep falling on my head... but that doesn't mean that my... 399 00:28:30,700 --> 00:28:36,100 The BBC would like to apologize to the police about the character of Police Constable Pan Am. 400 00:28:36,400 --> 00:28:39,900 He was not meant to represent the average police officer. 401 00:28:39,900 --> 00:28:43,300 Similarly, the reference to Buzz Aldrin, the astronaut, 402 00:28:43,300 --> 00:28:47,700 was the product of a disordered mind and should not be construed as having any other significance. 403 00:29:20,200 --> 00:29:26,700 And now for something completely different. 404 00:29:32,500 --> 00:29:35,300 Oh that was fun. 405 00:29:36,200 --> 00:29:38,400 And now... 406 00:29:39,600 --> 00:29:41,100