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Hello, good evening, and welcome
to 'It's A Living'.

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The rules are very simple:
each week we get a large fee;

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00:00:18,000 --> 00:00:20,300
at the end of that week
we get another large fee;

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if there's been no interruption at
the end of the year we get a repeat fee 

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which can be added on for tax purposes
to the previous year or the following
year if there's no new series.

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Every contestant, in addition
to getting a large fee is entitled
to three drinks at the BBC

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or if the show is over, seven drinks

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- unless he is an MP, in which case
he can have seven drinks before the show,

10
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or a bishop only three drinks in toto.

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The winners will receive an additional
fee, a prize which they can flog back

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and a special fee for a guest
appearance on 'Late Night Line Up'.

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Well, those are the rules, that's
the game, we'll be back again same
time next week. Till then. Bye-bye.

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00:01:01,600 --> 00:01:04,900
Well, it's five past nine
and nearly time for six past nine.

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On BBC 2 now it'll shortly be six
and a half minutes past nine.

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Later on this evening it'll be
10 o'clock and at 10.30 we'll be
joining BBC 2 in time for 10.33,

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and don't forget tomorrow
when it'll be 9.20.

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Those of you who missed 8.45 on Friday
will be able to see it again
this Friday at a quarter to nine.

19
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Now here is a time check. It's 6 and
1/2 minutes to the big green thing.

20
00:01:28,800 --> 00:01:32,800
- You're a loony.
- I get so bored, I get so bloody bored.

21
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- This way, please.
- Righto, I'm coming.

22
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Yes sir, it's this way.

23
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Bloody hell, where are the lights?

24
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What is this?
Where are they?

25
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How was this turned off?

26
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Oh it won't stop!

27
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Where are the lights?
Oh, here they are...

28
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You probably noticed that I didn't
say 'and now for something
completely different' just now.

29
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This is simply because I am unable
to appear in the show this week.

30
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Sorry to interrupt.

31
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I'm terribly sorry to interrupt but
my tooth's hurting, just around here.

32
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- Get off.
- Oh, sorry.

33
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I'm not sorry to interrupt,

34
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I'll interrupt anything if it gets
people looking in my direction

35
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like at my old school where,
by a coincidence,

36
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the annual prize giving is going on
at this very moment.

37
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My Lord Mayor, Lady Mayoress,

38
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it gives me very great pleasure
to return to my old school,

39
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to present the prizes
in this centenary year.

40
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This school takes very justifiable
pride in its fine record of... aaagh!

41
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... scholarship and
sporting achievement in all... aaagh!

42
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I'm, I'm afraid there's been a mistake.
The man who has been speaking to you
is an impostor.

43
00:04:09,100 --> 00:04:11,600
He is not in fact
the Bishop of East Anglia,

44
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but a man wanted by the police.

45
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I am the Bishop of East Anglia

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and anyone who doesn't believe me
can look me up in the book.

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Now then, the first prize is
this beautiful silver cup,

48
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which has been won by me.

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Next we come to
the Fairfax Atkinson Trophy

50
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for outstanding achievement
in the field of Applied Mathematics.

51
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Well, there was no-one this year
who reached the required standard

52
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so it goes in my sack.

53
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And by an old rule of the school
all the other silver trophies
also go in my sack ... aaagh!

54
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Velly solly for hold-up ...
no ploblem now ...

55
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me are Bishop of East Anglia,
now piesent plizes...

56
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Eyes down for first plize...

57
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The Fyffe-Chulmleigh Spoon for
Latin Elegaics... goes to...

58
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People's Republic of China! Aaaagh!

59
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Good evening, everybody. My name's Bradshaw
Inspector Elizabeth Bradshaw,
of the Special Branch Speech Day Squad,

60
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but I'd like you to think of me
as the Bishop of East Anglia,

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and I'd like to present the first prize,
the Grimwade Gynn Trophy to...

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Lady Mayoress, ladies, gentlemen and boys.

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Please do not panic.

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Please keep your heads right down now,

65
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and at the back please keep
your heads right down.

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Do not panic, don't look round,
this building is surrounded.

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There is nothing to worry about.
I am the Bishop of East Anglia.

68
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Now the first prize is the Granville Cup

69
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for French Unseen Translation...

70
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and it goes to Forbes Minor...
Forbes Minor...
Right, give him covering fire...

71
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Come on Forbes. Come on boy.
Come and get it. Keep down.
Well done...

72
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Oh... bad luck! The next prize...

73
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Mr L.F. Dibley's latest film 'if'.

74
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Mr Dibley, some people have drawn
comparisons between your film, 'if',

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which ends with a gun battle
at a public school,

76
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and Mr Lindsay Anderson's film, 'if',
which ends with a gun battle
at a public school.

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Oh yes, well, I mean, there were
some people who said my film

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'2001 - A Space Odyssey',
was similar to Stanley Kubrick's.

79
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I mean, that's the sort of petty critical
niggling that's dogged my career.

80
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It makes me sick. I mean,
as soon as I'd made 'Midnight Cowboy'

81
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with the vicar as Ratso Rizzo,
John Schlesinger rushes out his version,

82
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and gets it premiered while mine's
still at the chemist's.

83
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Well, we have with us tonight
one of your films, 'Rear Window',

84
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which was to become such a success
for Alfred Hitchcock a few weeks later.

85
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Now this is a silent film, so perhaps
you could talk us through it...

86
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Yes, well, let's see now... 
There's the rear window.

87
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There's the man looking out
of the window. He sees the murder.

88
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The murderer's come into the room
to kill him, but he's outwitted him
and he's all right. The End.

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I mean, Alfred Hitchcock, who's
supposed to be so bloody wonderful,

90
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padded that out to 1 and 1/2 hours...
Lost all the tension

91
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just because he had bloody Grace Kelly
he made £3 million more than I did.

92
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Mind you, at least she can act a bit,
I could have done with her
in 'Finian's Rainbow'... 

93
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The man from the off-licence
was terrible...

94
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a real failure that was
- 10 seconds of solid boredom.

95
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96
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97
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Bloody terrible.

98
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Mr L. F. Dibley's 'Finian's Rainbow'.
And now over to me.

99
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Exclusively on the programme today
we have the Foreign Secretary,

100
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who has just returned from the
bitter fighting in the Gulf of Amman.

101
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He's going to tell us about canoeing.

102
00:08:38,400 --> 00:08:40,400
 

103
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That gives you just some idea
of what's going on out there.

104
00:08:55,400 --> 00:08:59,400
Today saw the long-awaited publication
of the Portman Committee's Report

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on Industrial Reorganization...

106
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It's taken five years to prepare and
it's bound to have an enormous impact

107
00:09:04,400 --> 00:09:08,400
on the future of industrial relations
in this country.

108
00:09:08,400 --> 00:09:11,000
In the studio tonight Lord Portman,
Chairman of the Committee,

109
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Sir Charles Avery,
Employers' Reorganization Council,

110
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and Ray Millichope, leader
of the Allied Technicians' Union.

111
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And they're going to make a human pyramid.

112
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Bra...vo.

113
00:09:30,400 --> 00:09:32,300
Now the President of the Board of Trade.

114
00:09:47,300 --> 00:09:49,300
Now here's the Vice-Chairman of ICI.

115
00:09:50,000 --> 00:09:51,400
Good evening.

116
00:10:00,800 --> 00:10:04,800
So much for politics and the problems
of Britain's industrial reorganization.

117
00:10:05,200 --> 00:10:08,600
Now we turn to
the lighter subject of sport,

118
00:10:08,900 --> 00:10:11,700
and Reg Harris, the former
world cycling sprint champion,

119
00:10:11,700 --> 00:10:15,200
talks to us about the psychological
problems of big race preparation.

120
00:10:21,000 --> 00:10:24,000
And now the world of song
- Anne Zeigler and Webster Booth.

121
00:10:31,600 --> 00:10:35,600
Well, all good things must come to
an end, and that's all for this week.

122
00:10:35,900 --> 00:10:41,000
But to close our programme,
Dame Irene Stoat, who celebrates
her 85th birthday this month,

123
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reads one of her most famous poems.

124
00:10:43,900 --> 00:10:47,400
'Who shall declare this good, that ill

125
00:10:48,100 --> 00:10:50,400
When good and ill so intertwine

126
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But to fulfil the vast design
of an omniscient will.

127
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When seeming again but turns to loss

128
00:11:02,600 --> 00:11:05,600
When earthly treasure proves but dross

129
00:11:06,300 --> 00:11:10,000
And what seems lost but turns again

130
00:11:10,500 --> 00:11:13,200
To high eternal gain.

131
00:11:19,400 --> 00:11:20,900
 

132
00:11:22,000 --> 00:11:26,000
We had the most marvelous holiday.
It was absolutely fantastic.

133
00:11:27,200 --> 00:11:30,400
- Michael, you tell them about it.
- No, darling, you tell them.
You do it so much better.

134
00:11:34,800 --> 00:11:36,200
Excuse me a moment.

135
00:11:43,300 --> 00:11:44,800
- Dung, sir.
- What?

136
00:11:45,400 --> 00:11:47,500
- We've got your dung.
- What dung?

137
00:11:47,500 --> 00:11:49,400
Your dung. Three hundredweight of
heavy droppings. Where do you want it?

138
00:11:50,900 --> 00:11:54,600
- I didn't order any dung.
- Yes you did, sir. You ordered it
through the Book of the Month Club.

139
00:11:54,600 --> 00:11:56,000
Book of the Month Club?

140
00:11:56,000 --> 00:11:59,400
That's right, sir.
You get 'Gone with the Wind',
'Les Miserables' by Victor Hugo,

141
00:11:59,800 --> 00:12:02,200
'The French Lieutenant's Woman' and
with every third book you get dung.

142
00:12:04,400 --> 00:12:05,600
- I didn't know that when I signed the form.
- Well, no, no. 

143
00:12:06,100 --> 00:12:09,400
It wasn't on the form, they found it
wasn't good for business. Anyway, we've
got 300 weight of dung in the van. 

144
00:12:09,400 --> 00:12:14,100
- Where do you want it?
- Well, I don't think we do.
We've no garden.

145
00:12:14,100 --> 00:12:19,400
- It'll all fit in here; it's top-class
excrement.  - You can't put it in here,
we've having a dinner party!

146
00:12:19,400 --> 00:12:21,000
's alright. I'll put it on the telly.

147
00:12:22,200 --> 00:12:25,700
Darling... there's a man here
with our Book of the Month Club dung.

148
00:12:25,700 --> 00:12:27,200
We've no room, dear.

149
00:12:27,700 --> 00:12:32,200
- How many rooms have you got, then?
- Well, there's only this room,
the bedroom, a spare room.

150
00:12:32,500 --> 00:12:36,400
I'll tell you what, move everything
into the main bedroom, then you can use
the spare room as a dung room.

151
00:12:38,400 --> 00:12:40,400
- Yes.
- Dead Indian.

152
00:12:41,400 --> 00:12:44,600
Have you recently bought a new cooker, sir?
Ah well, this is your free dead Indian,
as advertised...

153
00:12:46,300 --> 00:12:49,600
- I didn't see that in the adverts...
- No, it's in the very small print,
you see, sir,

154
00:12:49,600 --> 00:12:52,800
- so as not to affect the sales.
- We've no room.

155
00:12:53,200 --> 00:12:56,600
That's all right,
you can put the dead Indian
in the spare room on top of the dung.

156
00:12:56,600 --> 00:12:59,700
- Me ... heap dizzy.

157
00:12:59,700 --> 00:13:01,800
- He's not dead!
- Oh well, that's probably a faulty cooker.

158
00:13:03,200 --> 00:13:06,300
Have you, er... you read and enjoyed
'The French Lieutenant's Woman', then?

159
00:13:06,300 --> 00:13:07,300
No.

160
00:13:07,600 --> 00:13:11,200
- No... still, it's worth it
for the dung, isn't it?
- Darling, it's the Milk Marketing Board.

161
00:13:11,200 --> 00:13:14,700
For every two cartons of single cream
we get the M4 motorway.

162
00:13:25,900 --> 00:13:28,900
Are you Mr and Mrs P. Forbes of 7,
the Studios, Elstree?

163
00:13:29,600 --> 00:13:32,200
- Yes.
- Right, well, get in the car.
We've won you in a police raffle.

164
00:13:34,200 --> 00:13:37,800
Yes! This couple is just one of the
prizes in this year's Police Raffle.

165
00:13:38,300 --> 00:13:41,500
Other prizes include two years
for breaking and entering,

166
00:13:41,500 --> 00:13:44,900
a crate of search warrants,
a 'What's all this then?' T-shirt

167
00:13:44,900 --> 00:13:48,200
and a weekend for two with a skinhead
of your own choice.

168
00:13:50,000 --> 00:13:51,200
 

169
00:13:51,200 --> 00:13:55,000
And that's not all. Three fabulous
new prizes have just been added,

170
00:13:55,600 --> 00:13:58,400
a four-month supply
of interesting undergarments

171
00:13:58,900 --> 00:14:00,800
a fully motorized pig

172
00:14:00,800 --> 00:14:03,800
and a hand-painted scene
of Arabian splendour,

173
00:14:04,200 --> 00:14:06,400
complete with silly walk.

174
00:14:25,500 --> 00:14:29,100
Finally add the sliced meat,

175
00:14:29,100 --> 00:14:32,200
the vegetetables and voilà!

176
00:14:33,000 --> 00:14:35,400
Personally I prefer
more classical dishes.

177
00:14:55,100 --> 00:14:59,100
Nigel! Wonderful to see you,
super, super, super.

178
00:15:00,300 --> 00:15:03,000
- Am I a teeny bit late?
- A bit, an hour.

179
00:15:03,600 --> 00:15:08,400
Oh, super! Only Snowdon's been
re-touching my profile and we can't
upset the lovely Snowdon, can we?

180
00:15:09,300 --> 00:15:12,500
David Bloggs... the one and only...
Super to see you.

181
00:15:12,500 --> 00:15:16,500
Who are you working for? Come and
work for me, I'll call you tomorrow.

182
00:15:17,100 --> 00:15:19,800
It's really lovely to have
this little chat with you.

183
00:15:20,400 --> 00:15:23,600
It is so nice to have
this little talk about things.

184
00:15:23,600 --> 00:15:26,100
I heard a teeny rumourlette
that you were married.

185
00:15:26,700 --> 00:15:30,200
- Well, not quite, no.
My wife's just died, actually.
- Oh dear. 

186
00:15:30,200 --> 00:15:35,700
Brian! We must get together again soon.
See you. Bye.

187
00:15:37,500 --> 00:15:40,700
- Well, perhaps we could do
a tribute to her on the show.
- Well, no. I...

188
00:15:40,700 --> 00:15:44,600
I'll get Peter, William, Arthur,
Alex, Joan, Ted, Scott, Will,
John and Ray to fix it up.

189
00:15:44,600 --> 00:15:47,700
It is so nice having this little chat.

190
00:15:47,700 --> 00:15:50,900
- Well, actually Timmy, I'm glad to get
you on your own...
- You don't mind if Peter just sits in?

191
00:15:51,300 --> 00:15:53,600
- Well, actually...
- Only he's doing an article on me
for the 'Mail'.

192
00:15:53,600 --> 00:15:56,000
- He's such a lovely person.
- Hello.

193
00:15:56,000 --> 00:16:00,000
Peter, this is one of the nicest people
in the world, Nigel Watt.

194
00:16:00,000 --> 00:16:02,000
W-A-double T. That's right, yes.

195
00:16:03,100 --> 00:16:05,400
Well, actually, Timmy, the thing is,
it's a bit private.

196
00:16:06,100 --> 00:16:10,100
Oh, you don't mind if Peter just sits in,
do you? Only Peter's writing a book on me.

197
00:16:10,400 --> 00:16:14,400
- Peter, you know Tony from the 'Mail',
don't you?
- We met in the Turkish bath yesterday.

198
00:16:15,100 --> 00:16:18,000
- Super, super. Did it come up well
in the writing yesterday?
- Great, great, great.

199
00:16:18,000 --> 00:16:21,600
- You took out the tummy references?
- Yes, I did.

200
00:16:22,100 --> 00:16:24,800
Super, super, super.
Just to fill you in, this is Nigel Watt

201
00:16:24,800 --> 00:16:29,300
and we are having a little
heart-to-heart. H-E-A-R-T. Smashing.

202
00:16:29,300 --> 00:16:30,400
Do go on, Nigel.

203
00:16:31,300 --> 00:16:33,200
Well, well, the thing is, Timmy, um...

204
00:16:35,000 --> 00:16:40,000
Carry on, it's the 'TV Times', only they
syndicate these photographs to America.

205
00:16:41,200 --> 00:16:43,000
Would you mind if we just er...

206
00:16:44,000 --> 00:16:47,000
Super, super. One over here, I think, Bob.
A little smile, please...

207
00:16:48,600 --> 00:16:51,400
Smashing, smashing.
Feel free, Bob, to circulate, won't you.

208
00:16:51,800 --> 00:16:55,400
- Do go on, this is most interesting.
- Well, the thing is, Timmy,
I'm a bit embarrassed.

209
00:16:55,400 --> 00:16:59,400
Oh, Mr Williams, it's so nice
to see you. Will you sign this
for my little daughter, please?

210
00:16:59,600 --> 00:17:03,200
Hello, Mario. Super, wonderful.
Just two lovely coffees, please.

211
00:17:03,500 --> 00:17:07,500
Sorry, sorry, Timmy. Can we just go
from where Mario comes in,
we're getting bad sound, OK?

212
00:17:08,000 --> 00:17:12,900
It's German television.
Isn't it exciting, Nigel? They're doing
a prize-winning documentary on me.

213
00:17:13,300 --> 00:17:16,200
'The Wonderful Mr Williams',
scene 239, take 2.

214
00:17:19,600 --> 00:17:20,700
Action!

215
00:17:20,700 --> 00:17:24,300
Mario, how super to see you.
How are the lovely family?

216
00:17:25,200 --> 00:17:29,200
Please give your little daughter this.
Thank you.
And just two lovely coffees, please.

217
00:17:30,300 --> 00:17:33,800
Such a lovely waiter. Now, go on
please, this is most interesting.

218
00:17:35,200 --> 00:17:37,600
Well ... er... as I was saying,
Timmy, my wife's gone... gone.

219
00:17:38,800 --> 00:17:42,200
I've got three children
and I'm at my wits end.

220
00:17:42,700 --> 00:17:45,800
No job, no insurance, no money at all.

221
00:17:45,800 --> 00:17:51,400
I'm absolutely flat broke,
I just don't know where to turn.

222
00:17:52,100 --> 00:17:56,100
I... I'm absolutely at the end
of my tether. You're my only chance.
Can you help me, please, Timmy?

223
00:17:57,500 --> 00:17:59,400
Sorry, I was on the phone to America.

224
00:17:59,900 --> 00:18:04,200
It's been super having
this lovely little chat.
We must do this again more often.

225
00:18:04,600 --> 00:18:08,300
Er... will you get the coffees?
I'm afraid I must dash, I'm
an hour late for the Israeli Embassy.

226
00:18:12,300 --> 00:18:15,300
- Did you get that shot all right, sound?
- Yes, fine.

227
00:18:15,900 --> 00:18:19,500
- It... it wasn't a bit too wicked,
was it? I mean, it wasn't too cruel?
- No, no, no. It was great.

228
00:18:19,500 --> 00:18:23,000
No, super... well, er...
I think it shows I'm human, don't you?

229
00:18:23,000 --> 00:18:26,000
- Yes, great.
- Super. Well, the charabanc's here.

230
00:18:26,600 --> 00:18:28,000
Go on, everybody. Bye.

231
00:18:29,800 --> 00:18:34,400
Timmy Williams' 'Coffee Time' was brought
to you live from Woppi's in Holborn.

232
00:18:57,600 --> 00:19:01,600
Good evening. I have with me
in the studio tonight

233
00:19:01,600 --> 00:19:04,700
one of the country's leading
skin specialists - Raymond Luxury Yacht.

234
00:19:04,700 --> 00:19:05,700
That's not my name.

235
00:19:07,900 --> 00:19:10,200
I'm sorry - Raymond Luxury Yach-t.

236
00:19:10,800 --> 00:19:16,000
No, no, no - it's spelt
Raymond Luxury Yach-t, but
it's pronounced 'Throatwobbler Mangrove'.

237
00:19:19,000 --> 00:19:20,800
You're a very silly man and
I'm not going to interview you.

238
00:19:22,900 --> 00:19:25,800
- Ah, anti-semitism!
- Not at all. It's not even
a proper nose.

239
00:19:27,400 --> 00:19:29,400
- It's polystyrene.
- Give me my nose back.

240
00:19:29,700 --> 00:19:32,500
- You can collect it at reception.
Now go away.
- I want to be on the television.

241
00:19:32,500 --> 00:19:33,300
Well you can't.

242
00:19:38,600 --> 00:19:40,200
All clear.

243
00:19:52,700 --> 00:19:55,200
 

244
00:20:01,800 --> 00:20:03,800
Hi there, big boy...

245
00:20:06,300 --> 00:20:09,200
- Hey, cutie.
- Hello, tiger.

246
00:20:13,600 --> 00:20:16,000
Tiger! Tiger!

247
00:20:18,200 --> 00:20:19,400
Tiger!

248
00:20:26,800 --> 00:20:28,400
 

249
00:20:30,500 --> 00:20:33,700
- Er, excuse me, I want to get married.
- I'm afraid I'm already married, sir.

250
00:20:33,700 --> 00:20:35,600
Er, no, no. I just want to get married.

251
00:20:35,600 --> 00:20:38,100
I could get a divorce, I suppose,
but it'll be a bit of a wrench.

252
00:20:38,400 --> 00:20:39,600
Er, no, no. That wouldn't
be necessary because...

253
00:20:40,000 --> 00:20:43,400
You see, would you come to my place
or should I have to come to yours,
because I've just got a big mortgage.

254
00:20:43,900 --> 00:20:48,200
- No, no, I want to get married here.
- Oh dear. I had my heart set
on a church wedding.

255
00:20:49,000 --> 00:20:52,200
Look, I just want you to marry me...

256
00:20:52,700 --> 00:20:55,200
I want to marry you too sir, but
it's not as simple as that.

257
00:20:55,500 --> 00:20:57,800
- You sure you want to get married?
- Yes. I want to get married very quickly.

258
00:20:58,100 --> 00:21:00,600
- Suits me, sir. Suits me.
- I don't want to marry you!

259
00:21:01,200 --> 00:21:06,000
- There is such a thing as breach
of promise, sir.
- Look, I just want you to act

260
00:21:06,300 --> 00:21:08,800
- ... as registrar and marry me.
- I will marry you sir,
but please make up your mind.

261
00:21:09,100 --> 00:21:11,800
- Please don't trifle with my affections.
- I'm sorry, but...

262
00:21:11,800 --> 00:21:14,400
That's all right, sir. I forgive you.
Lovers' tiff. 

263
00:21:14,900 --> 00:21:18,200
But you're not the first person
to ask me today. I've turned down
several people already.

264
00:21:18,200 --> 00:21:22,000
- Look, I'm already engaged.
- Yes, and I'm already married.
Still we'll get round it.

265
00:21:22,400 --> 00:21:25,600
- Good morning. I want to get married.
- I'm afraid I'm already marrying
this gentleman, sir.

266
00:21:26,200 --> 00:21:30,100
- Well, can I get married after him?
- Well, divorce isn't as quick
as that, sir. Still, if you're keen.

267
00:21:31,200 --> 00:21:34,400
- I want to get married, please.
- Heavens, it's my lucky day, isn't it.

268
00:21:34,400 --> 00:21:37,000
All right, but you'll have to wait
until I've married these two, sir.

269
00:21:37,000 --> 00:21:40,200
What, those two getting married...
Nigel What are you doing marrying him?

270
00:21:40,200 --> 00:21:43,000
- He's marrying me first, sir.
- He's engaged to me.

271
00:21:43,000 --> 00:21:45,600
- Come on, Henry.
- Blimey, the wife.

272
00:21:46,100 --> 00:21:47,800
- Will you marry me?
- I'm already married.

273
00:21:48,400 --> 00:21:51,000
Well, things turned out
all right in the end,

274
00:21:51,700 --> 00:21:54,000
but you musn't ask how 'cos it's naughty.

275
00:21:54,000 --> 00:21:58,000
They're all married and living quite well
in a council estate near Dulwich.

276
00:22:06,500 --> 00:22:08,800
Today I want to tell you a story.

277
00:22:09,700 --> 00:22:12,700
Once upon a time,
there was an enchanted prince

278
00:22:13,300 --> 00:22:15,400
who ruled the land...

279
00:22:18,100 --> 00:22:21,000
One day he discovered
a spot on his face.

280
00:22:21,800 --> 00:22:25,600
Foolishly he ignored it.
And 3 years later, he died of

281
00:22:25,600 --> 00:22:27,200
gangrene.

282
00:22:27,200 --> 00:22:31,200
The spot soon set out
to seek its fortune...

283
00:22:34,000 --> 00:22:36,000
 

284
00:23:15,700 --> 00:23:18,000
Did you see who's just
moved in next door?

285
00:23:18,300 --> 00:23:20,600
Yes, black as the ace of spades.

286
00:23:21,700 --> 00:23:24,600
Oh, there goes the neighbourhood!
Them and their smelly cooking.

287
00:23:25,000 --> 00:23:27,000
- And the noise...
- And they breed like rabbits.

288
00:23:27,600 --> 00:23:29,600
Oh yes...

289
00:23:36,100 --> 00:23:38,600
 

290
00:23:45,200 --> 00:23:48,200
Hello and welcome to
'Election Night Special'.

291
00:23:48,200 --> 00:23:51,200
There's great excitement here as we
should be getting the first results
through any minute now. We don't know

292
00:23:51,200 --> 00:23:54,800
where it'll be from... it might be
Leicester or from Luton. The polling's
been quite heavy in both areas...

293
00:23:54,800 --> 00:23:59,400
oh, wait a moment, I'm just getting...
I'm just getting a loud buzzing noise
in my left ear. Excuse me a moment.

294
00:24:05,900 --> 00:24:07,900
Anyway, let's go straight over
to James Gilbert at Leicester.

295
00:24:08,300 --> 00:24:10,600
Well it's a straight fight
here at Leicester...

296
00:24:11,300 --> 00:24:15,800
On the left of the Returning Officer
you can see Arthur Smith,
the Sensible candidate and his agent,

297
00:24:16,300 --> 00:24:21,000
and on the other side is the silly
candidate Jethro Walrustitty
with his agent and his wife.

298
00:24:23,100 --> 00:24:25,800
Here is the result for Leicester.

299
00:24:27,100 --> 00:24:30,400
Arthur J. Smith... (Sensible Party)

300
00:24:30,700 --> 00:24:33,600
30 612.

301
00:24:36,900 --> 00:24:40,900
Jehro Q. Walrustitty... (Silly Party)

302
00:24:42,000 --> 00:24:45,400
32 108.

303
00:24:47,900 --> 00:24:51,900
Well, there's the first result
and the Silly Party has held Leicester.
What do you make of that, Norman?

304
00:24:52,000 --> 00:24:55,800
Well, this is largely as I predicted,
except that the Silly Party won.

305
00:24:57,200 --> 00:24:59,800
I think this is mainly due to the
number of votes cast. Gerald?

306
00:25:00,300 --> 00:25:03,900
Well there's a swing here to
the Silly Party... but how big a swing
I'm not going to tell you.

307
00:25:04,400 --> 00:25:07,600
Well, if I may... I think the
interesting thing here is
the big swing to the Silly Party

308
00:25:07,600 --> 00:25:12,200
and of course the very large swing back
to the Sensible Party... and a tendency
to wobble up and down in the middle
because the screw's loose.

309
00:25:13,300 --> 00:25:16,500
- No, I'm afraid I can't think of anything.
- I can't add anything to that. Colin?

310
00:25:16,800 --> 00:25:20,000
Can I butt in at this point and say
this is in fact the very first time
I've appeared on television.

311
00:25:20,500 --> 00:25:22,500
No, no we haven't time, because we're
just going straight over to Luton.

312
00:25:23,400 --> 00:25:26,100
Here at Luton it's a 3-cornered fight

313
00:25:26,100 --> 00:25:28,500
between Alan Jones (Sensible Party),
in the middle,

314
00:25:28,500 --> 00:25:34,600
Tarquin Fin- tim- lim- bim- whin- bim-
lim- bus- stop- F'tang- F'tang- Olè-
Biscuitbarrel (Silly Party),

315
00:25:35,000 --> 00:25:38,300
and Kevin Phillips-Bong,
the Slightly Silly candidate.

316
00:25:39,600 --> 00:25:42,000
Alan Jones (On the left, Sensible Party)

317
00:25:42,000 --> 00:25:44,600
9 112.

318
00:25:46,600 --> 00:25:49,600
Kevin Phillips-Bong
(On the right, Slightly Silly)

319
00:25:50,000 --> 00:25:51,000
Nought...

320
00:25:52,500 --> 00:25:59,200
Tarquin Fin- tim- lin- bin- whin- bim-
lin- bus- stop- F'tang- F'tang- Olé-
Biscuitbarrel...

321
00:25:59,200 --> 00:26:00,000
(Silly)

322
00:26:00,500 --> 00:26:03,600
12 441.

323
00:26:04,800 --> 00:26:07,000
And so the Silly Party has taken Luton.

324
00:26:07,600 --> 00:26:10,500
A gain for the Silly Party at Luton.
The first gain of the election, Norman?

325
00:26:10,500 --> 00:26:14,200
Well this is a highly significant result.
Luton, normally a very sensible constituency

326
00:26:14,200 --> 00:26:17,400
with a high proportion of people who aren't
a bit silly, has gone completely ga-ga.

327
00:26:17,800 --> 00:26:19,000
Do we have the swing at Luton?

328
00:26:19,500 --> 00:26:21,100
Well, I've worked out the swing,
but it's a secret.

329
00:26:24,000 --> 00:26:28,000
Er, well, ah, there... there isn't
the swing, how about a swong?

330
00:26:28,700 --> 00:26:31,600
Well, I've got the swong here
in this box and it's looking fine.

331
00:26:31,600 --> 00:26:35,000
I can see through the breathing holes
that it's eating up peanuts
at the rate of knots.

332
00:26:35,000 --> 00:26:36,100
And how about the swang?

333
00:26:36,700 --> 00:26:41,500
Well, it's 29% up over 600 feet
but it's a little bit soft
around the edges about...

334
00:26:42,000 --> 00:26:44,400
What do you make of the nylon dot
cardigan and plastic mule rest?

335
00:26:44,400 --> 00:26:46,000
- There's no such thing.
- Thank you, Spike.

336
00:26:46,300 --> 00:26:49,500
Can I just come in here and say that
the swong has choked itself to death.

337
00:26:50,000 --> 00:26:53,000
- Well, the election's really
beginning to hot up now.
- I can't add anything to that.

338
00:26:53,600 --> 00:26:56,800
Can I just add at this point
that this is in fact the second time
I've ever been on television?

339
00:26:56,800 --> 00:26:58,600
I'm sorry, Sasha, we're just about
to get another result.

340
00:26:59,000 --> 00:27:03,000
Hello, from Harpenden.
This is a key seat because in addition
to the official Silly candidate

341
00:27:03,200 --> 00:27:05,700
there is an independent
Very Silly candidate

342
00:27:05,700 --> 00:27:08,200
who may split the Silly vote.

343
00:27:08,600 --> 00:27:12,600
- Mrs Elsie Zzzzzzzzzzzzzzz...
(Silly)

344
00:27:13,300 --> 00:27:16,200
26 317.

345
00:27:17,800 --> 00:27:19,700
James Walker (Sensible)

346
00:27:20,200 --> 00:27:23,400
26 318.

347
00:27:23,900 --> 00:27:25,000
That was close.

348
00:27:25,300 --> 00:27:28,300
Malcolm Peter Brian Telescope Adrian

349
00:27:28,700 --> 00:27:34,000
Umbrella Stand Jasper Wednesday
Stoatgobbler John Raw Vegetable

350
00:27:35,300 --> 00:27:37,400
Arthur Norman Michael Featherstone

351
00:27:38,100 --> 00:27:43,000
Smith Northgot Edwards Harris

352
00:27:46,200 --> 00:27:50,200
Mason Frampton Jones Fruitbat

353
00:27:51,300 --> 00:27:53,000
Gilbert 'We'll keep a welcome in the'

354
00:27:56,300 --> 00:27:59,500
Williams If I Could Walk That Way Jenkin

355
00:28:02,400 --> 00:28:07,000
Tiger-draws Pratt Thompson
'Raindrops Keep Falling On My Head'

356
00:28:07,600 --> 00:28:09,600
Darcy Carter Pussycat

357
00:28:10,700 --> 00:28:15,800
'Don't Sleep In The Subway' Barton

358
00:28:17,000 --> 00:28:18,800
Mannering Smith (Very Silly)

359
00:28:19,400 --> 00:28:20,500
2.

360
00:28:20,500 --> 00:28:22,700
Well there you have it.
A Sensible gain at Driffield.

361
00:28:22,700 --> 00:28:23,200
Norman...

362
00:28:23,600 --> 00:28:26,600
Well, I've just heard from Luton
that my auntie's ill, er, possibly,

363
00:28:26,600 --> 00:28:28,800
possibly gastro-enteritis - Gerald.

364
00:28:29,300 --> 00:28:32,900
Er, well, if this were repeated
over the whole country it's probably
be very messy. Colin.

365
00:28:33,700 --> 00:28:37,000
Can I just butt in and say here
that it's probably the last time
I shall ever appear on television.

366
00:28:37,300 --> 00:28:41,300
No I'm afraid you can't,
we haven't got time. Just to bring you
up to date with a few results,
er, that you may have missed.

367
00:28:41,500 --> 00:28:44,100
Engelbert Humperdinck has taken
Barrow-in-Furness,

368
00:28:44,100 --> 00:28:46,700
that's a gain from Ann Haydon-Jones
and her husband Pip.

369
00:28:46,700 --> 00:28:49,600
Arthur Negus has held Bristols.

370
00:28:50,200 --> 00:28:52,200
That's not a result,
that's a bit of gossip.

371
00:28:52,200 --> 00:28:55,400
Mary Whitehouse has just taken umbrage.
Could it be a bit of trouble there.

372
00:28:55,400 --> 00:28:58,200
And apparently Wales is not swinging
at all. No surprise there.

373
00:28:58,200 --> 00:29:00,200
And... Monty Python has held the credits.

374
00:29:03,400 --> 00:29:05,400