1
00:00:03,400 --> 00:00:07,200
In the 5th century, as the once-mighty
Roman Empire crumbled,

2
00:00:07,500 --> 00:00:13,200
the soft underbelly of Western Europe
lay invitingly exposed
to the barbarian hordes to the East.

3
00:00:13,800 --> 00:00:17,500
Alaric the Visigoth, Galseric the Vandal
and Theodoric the Ostrogoth in turn

4
00:00:17,800 --> 00:00:20,800
swept westward in a reign of terror.

5
00:00:21,200 --> 00:00:26,600
But none surpassed in power and cruelty
the mighty Attila the Hun.

6
00:00:27,400 --> 00:00:31,100
Ladies and gentlemen, it's the
'The Attila the Hun Show'.

7
00:00:49,000 --> 00:00:51,400
 

8
00:01:34,500 --> 00:01:39,400
In the second quarter of the 5th century,
the Huns became a byword
for merciless savagery.

9
00:01:39,400 --> 00:01:42,200
Their Khan was the mighty warrior Attila.

10
00:01:42,200 --> 00:01:45,500
With his devastating armies
he swept across Central Europe.

11
00:01:50,400 --> 00:01:52,400
Oh darling, I'm home.

12
00:01:55,200 --> 00:01:58,200
Hello darling.
Had a busy day at the office?

13
00:01:58,200 --> 00:02:03,000
Not at all bad. Another merciless sweep
across Central Europe.

14
00:02:05,900 --> 00:02:10,700
I won't say I'm glad to see you,
but boy, am I glad to see you.

15
00:02:21,200 --> 00:02:22,500
Hi, daddy.

16
00:02:24,300 --> 00:02:25,800
Hi, daddy.

17
00:02:28,000 --> 00:02:30,000
Hi, Jenny, hi, Robby.

18
00:02:30,800 --> 00:02:32,700
Hey, I've got a present for you two kids

19
00:02:33,000 --> 00:02:34,800
in that bag.

20
00:02:42,200 --> 00:02:44,300
I want you kids to get a-head.

21
00:02:48,700 --> 00:02:50,800
Hear you are, Mr Hun!

22
00:02:54,100 --> 00:02:56,000
Hi, Uncle Tom.

23
00:02:56,900 --> 00:02:59,400
There's a whole horde
of them marauding Visigoths

24
00:02:59,400 --> 00:03:01,000
to see y'all.

25
00:03:08,200 --> 00:03:09,800
And now for something completely different.

26
00:03:09,800 --> 00:03:10,700
It's ...

27
00:03:46,500 --> 00:03:48,600
Yes, it's Attila the Nun.

28
00:03:50,000 --> 00:03:53,600
A simple country girl who took a vow
of eternal brutality.

29
00:03:58,000 --> 00:03:59,200
Nurse!

30
00:04:03,100 --> 00:04:06,200
- Hello, Miss Norris. How are you?
- Not too bad, thank you, doctor.

31
00:04:06,500 --> 00:04:08,600
Yes, well I think I'd better examine you.

32
00:04:09,300 --> 00:04:13,600
- What are they doing here?
- It's all right, they're students.

33
00:04:16,500 --> 00:04:18,000
Um... lights please, nurse.

34
00:04:19,800 --> 00:04:21,600
Oh... and... er... music, too.

35
00:04:23,300 --> 00:04:25,600
Breathe in ... out ...

36
00:04:26,800 --> 00:04:29,000
in ... out...

37
00:04:35,100 --> 00:04:39,100
Thank you, thank you.
Charles Crompton, the Stripping Doctor.

38
00:04:39,800 --> 00:04:45,200
And next, gentlemen and ladies,
here at the Peephole Club
for the very first time

39
00:04:46,200 --> 00:04:50,200
a very big welcome for the Secretary
of State for Commonwealth Affairs.

40
00:04:52,400 --> 00:04:56,400
Good evening.
Tonight I'd like to restate
our position on agricultural subsidies,

41
00:04:56,700 --> 00:04:59,600
and their effect on our
Commonwealth relationships.

42
00:05:00,000 --> 00:05:04,500
Now although we believe, theoretically,
in ending guaranteed farm prices,

43
00:05:05,300 --> 00:05:09,800
we also believe in the need
for a corresponding import levy

44
00:05:09,800 --> 00:05:13,200
to maintain consumer prices
at a realistic level.

45
00:05:13,900 --> 00:05:19,400
But this would have the effect of
consolidating our gains of the previous
fiscal year, prior to the entry.

46
00:05:22,600 --> 00:05:26,600
But I pledge that should we join
the Common Market

47
00:05:27,600 --> 00:05:31,400
even maintaining
the present position on subsidies

48
00:05:31,800 --> 00:05:35,300
we will never jeopardize, we will

49
00:05:35,900 --> 00:05:39,800
never compromise our unique relationship
with the Commonwealth countries.

50
00:05:41,000 --> 00:05:45,400
A prices structure related
to any import charges

51
00:05:45,800 --> 00:05:49,800
will be systematically adjusted
to the particular requirements

52
00:05:50,400 --> 00:05:53,400
of our Commonwealth partners,

53
00:05:53,400 --> 00:05:57,800
so that together
we will maintain a positive,

54
00:05:58,200 --> 00:06:02,800
and mutually beneficial alliance
in world trade and for world peace.

55
00:06:03,400 --> 00:06:05,600
Thank you and goodnight.

56
00:06:09,400 --> 00:06:11,000
Wasn't he marvellous?

57
00:06:11,400 --> 00:06:14,400
The Secretary of State
for Commonwealth Affairs!

58
00:06:15,500 --> 00:06:19,400
And now gentlemen and ladies,
a very big welcome please

59
00:06:19,900 --> 00:06:23,900
for the Minister of Pensions
and Social Security!

60
00:06:32,900 --> 00:06:37,600
Yes, today in Britain
there is a new wave of interest
in politics and politicians.

61
00:06:39,100 --> 00:06:44,100
Well, we're just in it for the lobbying,
you know. We just love lobbying.

62
00:06:44,900 --> 00:06:47,800
And the debates, you know a good debate
is just... fabulous.

63
00:06:48,400 --> 00:06:51,600
Well, I've been going with ministers
for five years now and, you know...

64
00:06:53,200 --> 00:06:55,200
I think they're wonderful.

65
00:06:56,000 --> 00:06:59,000
- Oh yes, I like civil servants.
- Oh yes, they're nice.

66
00:06:59,500 --> 00:07:02,400
- I like the Speaker.
- Oh yes.

67
00:07:02,900 --> 00:07:05,000
I like Black Rod.

68
00:07:05,700 --> 00:07:07,000
What do their parents think?

69
00:07:07,500 --> 00:07:10,200
Well she's broken our hearts,
the little bastard.

70
00:07:10,200 --> 00:07:14,000
She's been nothing but trouble
and if she comes round here again
I'll kick her teeth in.

71
00:07:17,800 --> 00:07:21,000
- Have you been talking to
television again, dear?
- Yes, I bloody told 'em.

72
00:07:21,000 --> 00:07:23,200
- What about?
- I dunno.

73
00:07:23,500 --> 00:07:26,600
- Was it Reginald Bosanquet?
- No, no, no.

74
00:07:27,000 --> 00:07:32,200
- Did he have his head all bandaged?
- No, it wasn't like that. They had lots
of lights and cameras and tape recorders
and all that sort of thing.

75
00:07:33,000 --> 00:07:36,000
Oh, that'll be Ray Baxter and the boys
and girls from 'Tomorrow's World'.

76
00:07:36,800 --> 00:07:40,200
Oh, I prefer Reginald Bosanquet,
there's not so many of them.

77
00:07:42,000 --> 00:07:44,000
Oh - that'll be the ratcatcher.

78
00:07:44,900 --> 00:07:46,900
- Hello - Mr and Mrs Concrete?
- Yes.

79
00:07:50,600 --> 00:07:55,000
Well, well, well, how very nice.
Allow me to introduce myself.

80
00:07:55,500 --> 00:07:59,200
I am Leslie Ames, the Chairman of
the Test Selection Committee,
and I'm very pleased to be able

81
00:07:59,200 --> 00:08:02,800
to tell you that your flat
has been chosen as the venue

82
00:08:02,800 --> 00:08:05,500
for the 3rd test
against the West Indies.

83
00:08:06,000 --> 00:08:08,500
- Really?
- No, it was just a little joke.

84
00:08:08,500 --> 00:08:10,800
- Actually, I am the Council Ratcatcher.
- Oh yes, we've been expecting you.

85
00:08:11,600 --> 00:08:13,600
Oh, I gather you've got
a little rodental problem.

86
00:08:13,900 --> 00:08:18,400
Oh, blimey. You'd think he was awake
all the night, scrabbling down
by the wainscotting.

87
00:08:18,900 --> 00:08:22,900
Um, that's an interesting word, isn't it?
Wainscotting ... Wainscotting ... 

88
00:08:23,600 --> 00:08:26,900
sounds like a little Dorset village,
Wainscotting.

89
00:08:30,000 --> 00:08:31,900
We've been mentioned on telly!

90
00:08:32,800 --> 00:08:36,200
- Now, where is it worst?
- Down here. You can usually hear them.

91
00:08:42,400 --> 00:08:47,600
No, that's sheep you've got there.
No, that's definitely sheep.
A bit of a puzzle, really.

92
00:08:48,200 --> 00:08:53,400
Yeah, well, I mean it's (a) not going
to respond to a nice piece of cheese and

93
00:08:53,400 --> 00:08:57,100
- (b) it isn't going to fit into a trap.
- Oh - what are you going to do?

94
00:08:57,500 --> 00:08:59,800
Well, we'll have to look for the hole.

95
00:09:03,400 --> 00:09:06,500
- Oh yeah. There's one here.
- No, no, that's mice.

96
00:09:10,900 --> 00:09:12,800
Ah, this is what we're after.

97
00:09:18,100 --> 00:09:21,200
- Excuse me, is the 3rd test in here?
- No - that was a joke - a joke!

98
00:09:25,600 --> 00:09:28,200
Right. I'm going in the wainscotting.

99
00:09:28,200 --> 00:09:29,500
They said it again.

100
00:09:30,100 --> 00:09:32,200
I'm going to lay down some sheep poison.

101
00:09:43,700 --> 00:09:45,800
- Aagh. Ooh! It's got a gun!
- Blimey.

102
00:09:47,000 --> 00:09:51,000
Normally a sheep is a placid, timid
creature, but you've got a killer.

103
00:09:51,600 --> 00:09:55,600
 

104
00:09:57,000 --> 00:10:00,000
 

105
00:10:00,800 --> 00:10:03,600
 

106
00:10:04,800 --> 00:10:07,400
It's an entirely new strain of sheep,

107
00:10:07,800 --> 00:10:11,800
a killer sheep that can not only hold
a rifle but is also a first-class shot.

108
00:10:12,500 --> 00:10:14,100
But where are they coming from, professor?

109
00:10:14,800 --> 00:10:18,000
That I don't know. I just don't know.

110
00:10:19,000 --> 00:10:21,300
I really just don't know.

111
00:10:21,800 --> 00:10:24,800
I'm afraid I really just don't know.

112
00:10:25,200 --> 00:10:28,300
I'm afraid even I really just don't know.

113
00:10:29,100 --> 00:10:32,900
I have to tell you I'm afraid
even I really just don't know.

114
00:10:33,600 --> 00:10:37,600
I'm afraid I have to tell you...
Thank you.

115
00:10:38,600 --> 00:10:42,600
I don't know. Our only clue is
this portion of wolf's clothing

116
00:10:43,000 --> 00:10:44,600
- which the killer sheep ...
- ... was wearing ...

117
00:10:44,900 --> 00:10:48,900
- ... in yesterday's raid on Selfridges.
- I'll carry out tests on it
straight away, professor.

118
00:10:50,800 --> 00:10:52,800
Hello, is the third test in here, please?

119
00:10:57,400 --> 00:11:00,600
Professor, there are some cricketers
in the laboratory.

120
00:11:00,600 --> 00:11:04,600
This may be even more serious than
even I had at first been imagining.

121
00:11:05,900 --> 00:11:08,100
What a strange... strange line.

122
00:11:09,100 --> 00:11:11,500
There's no time to waste, get me
the Chief Commissioner of Police.

123
00:11:15,100 --> 00:11:16,900
No, no, on the phone.

124
00:11:18,800 --> 00:11:20,300
Look of fear!

125
00:11:21,000 --> 00:11:23,900
Another strange line.
Look out, Miss Carter Oil!

126
00:11:24,400 --> 00:11:27,200
- What is it? What have you seen?
- Look - there, in the doorway.

127
00:11:29,000 --> 00:11:31,900
Arthur X! Leader of the Pennine Gang!

128
00:11:31,900 --> 00:11:36,200
Nobody move!

129
00:11:36,800 --> 00:11:37,900
Put plan A into operation.
Move out!

130
00:11:50,900 --> 00:11:52,600
Next, Basil, you and the kid.
Move!

131
00:11:58,700 --> 00:12:00,800
Ok boys, this time we go
for the heavy stuff.

132
00:12:22,800 --> 00:12:26,700
But soon the killer sheep began
to infect other animals
with its startling intelligence.

133
00:12:27,100 --> 00:12:30,900
Pussy cats began to arrange mortgages,
cocker spaniels began
to design supermarkets...

134
00:12:31,400 --> 00:12:34,200
And parrots started to announce
television programmes.

135
00:12:34,600 --> 00:12:36,800
It's 8 o'clock and time for the News.

136
00:12:37,400 --> 00:12:40,700
Good evening. Here is the news for Parrots.

137
00:12:42,000 --> 00:12:44,700
No parrots were involved
in an accident on the M1 today

138
00:12:44,700 --> 00:12:48,200
when a lorry carrying high-octane fuel
was in collision with a bollard.

139
00:12:49,200 --> 00:12:52,200
That is a bollard and not a parrot.

140
00:12:52,900 --> 00:12:56,500
A spokesman for parrots said
he was glad no parrots were involved.

141
00:12:57,800 --> 00:13:01,000
The Minister of Technology today met
the three Russian leaders

142
00:13:02,200 --> 00:13:05,200
to discuss a £4 million airliner deal.

143
00:13:05,800 --> 00:13:08,400
None of them went in the cage, or swung
on the little wooden trapeze

144
00:13:08,400 --> 00:13:11,400
or ate any of the nice millet seed
yum, yum.

145
00:13:12,700 --> 00:13:17,600
That's the end of the news, now
our programs for parrots continue with
part 3 of 'A Tale of Two Cities',

146
00:13:17,600 --> 00:13:20,400
specially adapted for parrots by Joey Boy.

147
00:13:21,400 --> 00:13:25,400
The story so far, Dr. Manette is in
England after 18 years in the Bastille.

148
00:13:26,300 --> 00:13:29,000
His daughter Lucy awaits her lover
Charles Darney, who we have just learned

149
00:13:29,000 --> 00:13:32,400
is in fact the nephew of
the Marquis de St Evremond,

150
00:13:32,400 --> 00:13:35,200
whose cruelty had placed Manette
in the Bastille.

151
00:13:35,900 --> 00:13:39,200
Darney arrives to find Lucy
tending her aged father.

152
00:13:48,800 --> 00:13:50,200
'Allo, 'allo...

153
00:14:01,700 --> 00:14:05,000
And while that's going on, here is
the news for gibbons.
No gibbons were involved in...

154
00:14:07,600 --> 00:14:11,500
And while that's going on, here
from Westminster is
a parliamentary report for Humans.

155
00:14:12,700 --> 00:14:17,200
In the debate, a spokesman accused
the goverment of being silly
and doing not at all good things.

156
00:14:17,900 --> 00:14:20,600
The member accepted this
in the spirit of healthy criticism,

157
00:14:20,600 --> 00:14:23,400
but denied that he had ever
been naughty with a choir boy.

158
00:14:23,400 --> 00:14:25,800
Angry shouts of 'What about the
Watermelon then?' were ordered then

159
00:14:25,800 --> 00:14:30,300
by the speaker to be stricken
from the record and put into
a brown paper bag in the lavvy.

160
00:14:31,200 --> 00:14:34,600
Any further interruptions would be
cut off and distributed amongst the poor.

161
00:14:35,200 --> 00:14:39,600
For the Government, a front-bench spokesman
said the Agricultural Tariff would have
to be raised, and he fancied a bit.

162
00:14:40,000 --> 00:14:44,600
Futhermore, he argued, this would give

163
00:14:44,600 --> 00:14:48,200
a large boost to farmers,
and a lot of fun for him, his friends,
and Miss Moist of Knightsbridge.

164
00:14:49,100 --> 00:14:52,700
From the back benches there were
opposition shouts of 'Postcards for sale'

165
00:14:52,700 --> 00:14:56,700
and a healthy cry of 'Who likes a sailor
then?' from the minister without portfolio.

166
00:14:58,100 --> 00:15:01,700
Replying, the Shadow Minister said
he could no longer deny the rumors,

167
00:15:01,700 --> 00:15:04,200
but he and the Dachshund were very happy.

168
00:15:04,600 --> 00:15:08,500
And in any case he argued
Rhubarb was cheap, and what was
the harm in a sauna bath?

169
00:15:09,000 --> 00:15:11,000
 

170
00:15:11,000 --> 00:15:15,500
The Minister of Technology met
the 3 Russian leaders

171
00:15:16,200 --> 00:15:18,800
today to discuss a £4 million
airliner deal...

172
00:15:19,300 --> 00:15:22,700
None of them were indigenous to
Australia, carried their babies
in pouches, or ate any

173
00:15:22,700 --> 00:15:26,300
of those yummy Eucalyptus leaves.
Yum Yum!

174
00:15:27,400 --> 00:15:30,700
Thats the news for wombats,
and now Attila the Bun!

175
00:15:40,200 --> 00:15:43,700
Well that's all for Attila the Bun,
and now - idiots!

176
00:15:55,400 --> 00:15:58,200
Arthur Figgis is an idiot.
A village idiot.

177
00:15:58,500 --> 00:16:01,000
Tonight we look at the idiot in society.

178
00:16:02,100 --> 00:16:05,200
Well I feel very keenly that the idiot
is a part of the old village system,

179
00:16:05,800 --> 00:16:11,000
and as such has a vital role to play in
a modern rural society, because you see

180
00:16:15,000 --> 00:16:16,000
Ooh ar thankee, Vicar.

181
00:16:16,500 --> 00:16:20,500
There is this very real need
in society for someone

182
00:16:20,600 --> 00:16:24,200
whom almost anyone can look down on
and ridicule.

183
00:16:24,600 --> 00:16:26,800
And this is the role that...

184
00:16:31,200 --> 00:16:32,800
Thank you, Mrs Thompson...

185
00:16:32,800 --> 00:16:35,000
this is the role that I

186
00:16:35,000 --> 00:16:39,000
and members of my family have
fulfilled in this village
for the past 400 years...

187
00:16:39,900 --> 00:16:43,700
Good morning, Mr Jenkins,
ICI have increased
their half-yearly dividend, I see.

188
00:16:43,700 --> 00:16:45,600
Yes, splendid.

189
00:16:45,600 --> 00:16:47,100
That's Mr Jenkins - he's another idiot.

190
00:16:47,800 --> 00:16:54,600
And so you see the idiot does provide
a vital psycho-social service
for this community.

191
00:16:56,500 --> 00:17:00,100
Oh, excuse me, a coach party
has just arrived. I shall have
to fall off the wall, I'm afraid.

192
00:17:11,400 --> 00:17:13,600
Arthur takes idiotting seriously.

193
00:17:13,600 --> 00:17:18,600
He is up at 6 o'clock every morning
working on special training equipment
designed to keep him silly.

194
00:17:27,200 --> 00:17:30,200
And of course he takes great pride
in his appearance.

195
00:17:36,500 --> 00:17:38,600
Like the doctor, the blacksmith,
the carpenter,

196
00:17:38,900 --> 00:17:41,900
Mr Figgis is an important figure
in this village

197
00:17:42,200 --> 00:17:44,500
and, like them, he uses the local bank.

198
00:17:45,600 --> 00:17:48,200
Yes, we have quite a number
of idiots banking here.

199
00:17:48,700 --> 00:17:51,000
What kind of money is there in idioting?

200
00:17:51,000 --> 00:17:55,000
Well nowadays a really blithering idiot
can make anything up to
£10 000 pounds a year

201
00:17:55,500 --> 00:17:58,000
if he's the head of
some big industrial combine.

202
00:17:58,400 --> 00:18:01,500
But of course, the more old-fashioned
idiot still refuses to take money.

203
00:18:03,600 --> 00:18:07,400
He takes bits of string, wood,
dead budgerigars,

204
00:18:08,100 --> 00:18:12,400
sparrows, anything, but it does make
the cashier's job very difficult;

205
00:18:13,200 --> 00:18:17,000
but of course they're fools
to themselves because
the rate of interest over 10 years

206
00:18:17,000 --> 00:18:21,000
on a piece of moss or a dead vole
is almost negligible.

207
00:18:21,000 --> 00:18:23,900
Mr Brando.
Hollywood on the phone.

208
00:18:24,200 --> 00:18:26,000
I'll take it in the office.

209
00:18:27,600 --> 00:18:30,000
But Mr Figgis is no ordinary idiot.

210
00:18:30,000 --> 00:18:33,400
He is a lecturer in idiocy
at the University of East Anglia.


211
00:18:33,800 --> 00:18:36,600
Here he is taking a class
of third-year students.

212
00:18:41,500 --> 00:18:44,600
After three years of study
these apprentice idiots

213
00:18:44,600 --> 00:18:46,800
receive a diploma of idiocy,

214
00:18:47,600 --> 00:18:49,600
a handful of mud

215
00:18:50,700 --> 00:18:52,800
and a kick on the head.

216
00:18:52,800 --> 00:18:54,600
But some of the older idiots
resent the graduate idiot.

217
00:18:55,200 --> 00:18:57,500
I'm a completely self-taught idiot.

218
00:19:00,400 --> 00:19:04,800
I mean... nobody does that anymore.
Anybody who did that round here
would be laughed off the street.

219
00:19:05,600 --> 00:19:08,400
No, nowadays people want
something wittier.

220
00:19:15,500 --> 00:19:18,400
Kevin O'Nassis works largely with walls.

221
00:19:20,800 --> 00:19:24,200
You've got to know what you're doing.
I mean, some people think I'm mad.

222
00:19:24,200 --> 00:19:27,200
The villagers say I'm mad,
the tourists say I'm mad.

223
00:19:27,600 --> 00:19:31,400
Well I am mad, but I'm naturally mad.
I don't use any chemicals.

224
00:19:33,200 --> 00:19:36,800
But what of the idiot's private life?
How about his relationship with women?

225
00:19:39,000 --> 00:19:41,800
Well I may be an idiot but I'm no fool.

226
00:19:43,000 --> 00:19:45,900
But the village idiot's dirty smock
and wall-falling

227
00:19:45,900 --> 00:19:49,000
are a far cry from the modern world
of the urban idiot.

228
00:19:49,800 --> 00:19:52,400
What kinds of backgrounds do
these city idiots come from?

229
00:19:52,700 --> 00:19:59,200
 

230
00:20:02,600 --> 00:20:07,400
I can't remember but I've got it
written down some where.

231
00:20:08,400 --> 00:20:12,100
Daddy's a banker.
He needed a wastepaper basket.

232
00:20:12,800 --> 00:20:18,900
Father was Home Secretary
and mother won the Derby.

233
00:20:19,600 --> 00:20:23,500
The headquarters of these urban idiots
is here in St John's Wood.

234
00:20:24,000 --> 00:20:27,000
Inside they can enjoy
the company of other idiots

235
00:20:27,400 --> 00:20:30,600
and watch special performances
of ritual idioting.

236
00:20:39,300 --> 00:20:40,800
Well left.

237
00:20:40,800 --> 00:20:42,400
Well played.

238
00:20:42,400 --> 00:20:43,800
Well well.

239
00:20:44,500 --> 00:20:46,800
Well bred.

240
00:20:51,400 --> 00:20:53,700
Good afternoon and welcome to Lords
on the second day of the first test.

241
00:20:53,700 --> 00:20:58,600
So far today we've had 5 hours batting
from England and already
they're nought for nought.

242
00:20:59,200 --> 00:21:04,100
Cowdrey is not out nought.
Naughton is not in.
Knott is in and is nought for not out.

243
00:21:04,100 --> 00:21:08,100
Naughton of Northants got a nasty knock
on the nut in the nets last night
but it's nothing of note.

244
00:21:08,400 --> 00:21:11,400
Next in is Nat Newton of Notts.

245
00:21:11,400 --> 00:21:14,400
Not Nutring - Nutting's at nine, er,
Nutring knocked neatie nighty knock knock...

246
00:21:19,100 --> 00:21:22,800
anyway England have played extremely well
for nothing, not a sausage,

247
00:21:22,800 --> 00:21:28,600
in reply to Iceland's first innings total
of 722 for 2 declared, scored yesterday
disappointingly fast in only 21 overs

248
00:21:29,200 --> 00:21:33,800
with lots of wild slogging and boundaries
and all sorts of rubbishy things.

249
00:21:35,000 --> 00:21:39,800
But the main thing is that
England have made an absolutely
outstanding start so far,

250
00:21:41,600 --> 00:21:44,600
- Peter?
- Splendid. Just listen to those thighs.

251
00:21:45,000 --> 00:21:48,200
And now it's the North East's turn
with the Samba. Brian.

252
00:21:48,700 --> 00:21:52,700
Rather. I'm reminded of the story
of Gubby Allen in '32...

253
00:21:52,800 --> 00:21:54,800
Oh, shut up or we'll close the bar.

254
00:21:56,600 --> 00:22:01,400
And now Bo Wildeburg is running up
to bowl to Cowdrey, he runs up,
he bowls to Cowdrey...

255
00:22:02,500 --> 00:22:05,600
... and no shot at all.
Extremely well not played there.

256
00:22:06,600 --> 00:22:08,600
Yes, beautifully not done anything about.

257
00:22:08,900 --> 00:22:11,200
A superb shot of no kind whatsoever.

258
00:22:11,200 --> 00:22:15,600
I well remember Plum Warner leaving
a very similar ball alone in 1732.

259
00:22:16,000 --> 00:22:17,600
Oh shut up, long nose.

260
00:22:20,000 --> 00:22:24,900
And now it's Bo Wildeburg running in
again to bowl to Cowdrey, he runs in.

261
00:22:27,100 --> 00:22:30,200
He bowls to Cowdrey, and no shot at all,
a superb display of inertia there...

262
00:22:31,000 --> 00:22:34,400
- That's the end of the over, and drinks.
- Gin and tonic please.

263
00:22:34,400 --> 00:22:35,600
No, no, the players are having drinks.

264
00:22:37,500 --> 00:22:41,500
And now, what's happening?
I think Cowdrey's being taken off.

265
00:22:42,600 --> 00:22:45,800
Yes, Cowdrey is being carried off.
Well I never. Now who's in next,

266
00:22:45,800 --> 00:22:50,200
it should be number 3, Natt Newton of Notts.
Get your hand off my thigh, West...

267
00:22:51,000 --> 00:22:54,200
No I don't think it is...
I think it's er, it's the sofa.

268
00:22:54,200 --> 00:22:59,000
No it's the Chesterfield!
The green Chesterfield is coming in
at number 3 to take guard now.

269
00:23:00,500 --> 00:23:06,000
I well remember a similar divan
being brought on at Headingley
in 9 BC against the darkies.

270
00:23:06,600 --> 00:23:10,400
Oh, shut up, elephant snout.
And now the green Chesterfield
has taken guard

271
00:23:11,800 --> 00:23:13,800
and Iceland are putting on
their spin dryer to bowl.

272
00:23:14,500 --> 00:23:17,600
The spin dryer moves back to his mark,
it runs out to the wicket,
bowls to the table...

273
00:23:18,000 --> 00:23:22,000
a little bit short but it's coming in
a bit there and it's hit him on the pad.

274
00:23:22,600 --> 00:23:25,600
And the table is out, leg before wicket.

275
00:23:27,100 --> 00:23:29,400
That is England nought for one.

276
00:23:30,800 --> 00:23:33,900
And now we leave Lords and go over
to Epsom for the 3 o'clock.

277
00:23:34,800 --> 00:23:38,200
Well here at Epsom we take up
the running with 50 yards of
this mile and a half race to go

278
00:23:38,200 --> 00:23:40,800
and it's the wash basin in the lead
from WC Pedestal. Tucked in nicely

279
00:23:40,800 --> 00:23:46,000
there is the sofa going very well with
Joanna Southcott's box making a good run
from hat stand on the rails,
and the standard lamp is failing fast

280
00:23:46,400 --> 00:23:51,000
but it's wash basin definitely taking up
the running now being strongly pressed by

281
00:23:51,300 --> 00:23:55,800
At the post it's the wash basin from WC
then sofa, hat stand, standard lamp
and lastly Joanna Southcott's box.

282
00:23:56,800 --> 00:24:00,000
Open the box!
Open the box!

283
00:24:05,400 --> 00:24:07,600
And could we have
the next contender, please?

284
00:24:17,100 --> 00:24:20,400
- Good evening, madam, and your name is?
- Yes, yes...

285
00:24:21,500 --> 00:24:23,800
- And what's your name?
- I go to church regularly.

286
00:24:24,400 --> 00:24:28,400
Jolly good, I see, which prize do you
have particular eyes on this evening?

287
00:24:28,400 --> 00:24:30,800
- I'd like the blow on the head.
- The blow on the head.

288
00:24:31,200 --> 00:24:35,800
- Just there.
- Jolly good. Well your first question
for the blow on the head this evening is:

289
00:24:36,300 --> 00:24:39,700
What great opponent of Cartesian dualism

290
00:24:39,700 --> 00:24:44,300
resists the reduction of psychological
phenomena to physical states?

291
00:24:45,000 --> 00:24:47,000
- I don't know that!
- Well, have a guess.

292
00:24:48,600 --> 00:24:51,100
- Henri Bergson.
- Is the correct answer!

293
00:24:51,800 --> 00:24:54,000
- Ooh, that was lucky.
I never even heard of him.
- Jolly good.

294
00:24:54,000 --> 00:24:56,000
I don't like darkies.

295
00:25:00,200 --> 00:25:02,200
Ha ha ha. Who does?

296
00:25:03,200 --> 00:25:08,800
And now your second question
for the blow on the head is:
What is the main food that penguins eat?

297
00:25:08,800 --> 00:25:11,000
- Pork luncheon meat.
- No.

298
00:25:11,000 --> 00:25:14,400
- Spam?
- No, no. What do penguins eat? Penguins.

299
00:25:14,400 --> 00:25:16,800
Penguins?
I hate penguins.

300
00:25:17,800 --> 00:25:20,000
- They eat themselves.
- No, no, what do penguins eat?

301
00:25:20,000 --> 00:25:22,800
- Horses! ... Armchairs!
- No, no, no. What do penguins eat?

302
00:25:22,800 --> 00:25:25,400
- Oh, penguins. Cannelloni.
- No.

303
00:25:26,200 --> 00:25:29,400
Lasagna, moussaka, lobster thermidor,

304
00:25:29,400 --> 00:25:32,500
escalopes de veau à l'estragon avec
endives gratinées with cheese.

305
00:25:33,200 --> 00:25:35,200
No, no, no, no. I'll give you a clue.

306
00:25:36,000 --> 00:25:38,200
- Ah, Brian Close.
- No.

307
00:25:41,200 --> 00:25:44,400
Brian Inglis, Brian Johnson, Bryan Forbes.

308
00:25:44,400 --> 00:25:49,600
- Nanette Newman.
- No. What swims in the sea
and gets caught in nets?

309
00:25:50,500 --> 00:25:52,800
- Henri Bergson.
- No.

310
00:25:52,800 --> 00:25:56,700
Goats. Underwater goats
with snorkels and flippers.
A buffalo with an aqualung.

311
00:25:56,700 --> 00:25:59,900
- Reginald Maudling.
- Yes, that's near enough.
I'll give you that.

312
00:26:01,000 --> 00:26:05,400
Now, Mrs Scum, you have won your prize,
do you still want the blow on the head?

313
00:26:05,700 --> 00:26:08,400
- Yes, yes.
- I'll offer you a poke in the eye.

314
00:26:08,400 --> 00:26:10,800
- No! I want a blow on the head.
- A punch in the throat?
- No.

315
00:26:11,500 --> 00:26:13,400
- All right then, a kick in the kneecap?
- No.

316
00:26:13,700 --> 00:26:18,300
- Mrs Scum, I'm offering you a boot
in the teeth and a dagger up the strap?
- Err...

317
00:26:20,900 --> 00:26:25,400
(Blow on the head! Take the blow on the head!)
- No, no. I'll take the blow on the head.

318
00:26:25,700 --> 00:26:31,000
Very well then, Mrs Scum, you have won
tonight's star prize, the blow on the head.

319
00:26:38,600 --> 00:26:41,600