1
00:02:09,730 --> 00:02:12,599
Brian distel and
brianette zatapathique there

2
00:02:12,632 --> 00:02:14,201
In an improvised scene

3
00:02:14,234 --> 00:02:18,004
From jean kenneth longueur's
new movie le fromage grand.

4
00:02:18,038 --> 00:02:21,742
Brian and brianette symbolize
the breakdown in communications

5
00:02:21,775 --> 00:02:24,678
In our modern society
in this exciting new film.

6
00:02:24,711 --> 00:02:26,780
Longueur is saying to us,
his audience

7
00:02:26,813 --> 00:02:29,015
"go on, protest,
do something about it

8
00:02:29,049 --> 00:02:31,618
Assault the manager,
demand your money back."

9
00:02:31,651 --> 00:02:34,988
Later on in the film, in a
brilliantly conceived montage

10
00:02:35,021 --> 00:02:38,825
Longueur mercilessly exposes the
violence underlying our society

11
00:02:38,859 --> 00:02:40,927
When brian and brianette
again meet

12
00:02:40,961 --> 00:02:45,198
On yet another rubbish dump.

13
00:05:14,347 --> 00:05:16,583
Pretty strong meat there
from longueur

14
00:05:16,616 --> 00:05:19,820
Who is saying, of course,
that ultimately materialism--

15
00:05:19,853 --> 00:05:22,055
In this case,
the webb's wonder lettuce--

16
00:05:22,089 --> 00:05:23,957
Must destroy us all.

17
00:05:23,990 --> 00:05:26,526
That was for o. simon,
k. simon, p. simon

18
00:05:26,560 --> 00:05:28,295
And r. sparrow of leicester.

19
00:05:28,328 --> 00:05:30,564
Later on, we're going
to take a look

20
00:05:30,597 --> 00:05:32,499
At john wayne's latest movie

21
00:05:32,532 --> 00:05:35,569
Buckets of blood pouring
out of people's heads

22
00:05:35,602 --> 00:05:37,003
But now we look ahead.

23
00:05:37,037 --> 00:05:39,740
On tuesday, chris conger
took a bbc film unit

24
00:05:39,773 --> 00:05:42,209
To the location
where 20th century vole

25
00:05:42,242 --> 00:05:45,779
Are shooting their latest epic
scott of the antarctic.

26
00:05:45,812 --> 00:05:47,347
Sea, sand and sunshine

27
00:05:47,381 --> 00:05:50,650
Make paignton the queen
of the english riviera.

28
00:05:50,684 --> 00:05:54,788
Well, for the next six months,
this sleepy devonshire resort

29
00:05:54,821 --> 00:05:58,291
Will be transformed
into the blizzard-swept wastes

30
00:05:58,325 --> 00:05:59,860
Of the south pole.

31
00:05:59,893 --> 00:06:04,164
For today, shooting starts on
the epic scott of the antarctic

32
00:06:04,197 --> 00:06:06,199
Produced by jerry schlick.

33
00:06:06,233 --> 00:06:07,667
Hello.

34
00:06:07,701 --> 00:06:10,470
Jerry, you chose paignton
as the location for scott.

35
00:06:10,504 --> 00:06:11,905
Right, right.

36
00:06:11,938 --> 00:06:13,407
Isn't it a bit
of a drawback

37
00:06:13,440 --> 00:06:14,841
That there's
no snow here?

38
00:06:14,875 --> 00:06:16,343
Well, we have

39
00:06:16,376 --> 00:06:18,178
28,000 cubic feet
of wintrex

40
00:06:18,211 --> 00:06:20,280
Which is a new
white foam rubber

41
00:06:20,313 --> 00:06:22,282
Which actually
on screen looks

42
00:06:22,315 --> 00:06:24,718
More like snow than snow

43
00:06:24,751 --> 00:06:28,255
And 1,600 cubic u.s. furlongs
of white paint

44
00:06:28,288 --> 00:06:30,490
With a special snow finish.

45
00:06:30,524 --> 00:06:33,593
And I believe kirk vilb
is playing the title role.

46
00:06:33,627 --> 00:06:34,928
That is correct.

47
00:06:34,961 --> 00:06:37,130
We were very thrilled
and honored

48
00:06:37,164 --> 00:06:39,499
When kirk agreed
to play the part

49
00:06:39,533 --> 00:06:41,001
Of lieutenant scott

50
00:06:41,034 --> 00:06:43,070
Because a star
of his magnitude

51
00:06:43,103 --> 00:06:45,939
Can pick and choose,
but he read the title

52
00:06:45,972 --> 00:06:47,207
And just flipped.

53
00:06:47,240 --> 00:06:49,509
And directing,
we have a very fine

54
00:06:49,543 --> 00:06:52,279
Young british director,
james mcrettin

55
00:06:52,312 --> 00:06:54,014
Who's been
collaborating

56
00:06:54,047 --> 00:06:56,116
On the screenplay,
of course.

57
00:06:56,149 --> 00:06:57,117
Jimmy.

58
00:06:57,150 --> 00:06:58,118
Oh, there you are.

59
00:06:58,151 --> 00:06:59,352
Hello. hello.
no problem.

60
00:06:59,386 --> 00:07:00,687
Have a drink.
have a drink.

61
00:07:00,721 --> 00:07:02,022
Oh, great.
hello. marvelous.

62
00:07:02,055 --> 00:07:03,023
Marvelous. hello.

63
00:07:03,056 --> 00:07:04,024
Rewrite.

64
00:07:04,057 --> 00:07:05,392
Oh, this is really great.

65
00:07:05,425 --> 00:07:08,361
I mean, it's really saying
something, don't you think?

66
00:07:08,395 --> 00:07:09,930
Have you started
shooting yet?

67
00:07:09,963 --> 00:07:10,931
Yes, yes.

68
00:07:10,964 --> 00:07:11,965
Great. perfect.

69
00:07:11,998 --> 00:07:14,000
No, no, we haven't
started yet. no.

70
00:07:14,034 --> 00:07:15,335
But great, great.

71
00:07:15,369 --> 00:07:18,105
What is the first scene
that you shoot this morning?

72
00:07:18,138 --> 00:07:19,106
Great. perfect.

73
00:07:19,139 --> 00:07:20,474
Oh, it's great.
no problem.

74
00:07:20,507 --> 00:07:22,275
We'll sort it out
on the floor.

75
00:07:22,309 --> 00:07:23,477
Sort it out
on the floor.

76
00:07:23,510 --> 00:07:24,644
No problem.

77
00:07:24,678 --> 00:07:26,747
This film is
basically pro-humanity

78
00:07:26,780 --> 00:07:27,948
And anti-bad things

79
00:07:27,981 --> 00:07:30,450
And it rips aside
the hypocritical facade

80
00:07:30,484 --> 00:07:32,285
Of our society's
gin and tonic

81
00:07:32,319 --> 00:07:35,021
And leaves a lot of sacred cows
rolling around in agony.

82
00:07:35,055 --> 00:07:36,556
Have a drink.
have a drink.

83
00:07:36,590 --> 00:07:39,326
But which scene are we
shooting first, jimmy?

84
00:07:39,359 --> 00:07:40,727
Yes.

85
00:07:40,761 --> 00:07:41,762
Great.

86
00:07:41,795 --> 00:07:43,697
Oh, marvelous.

87
00:07:43,730 --> 00:07:45,832
Which scene are
we shooting first?

88
00:07:45,866 --> 00:07:47,067
What? it's scene one.

89
00:07:47,100 --> 00:07:48,402
Scene one. scene one.

90
00:07:48,435 --> 00:07:50,404
It's in the middle
of the movie.

91
00:07:50,437 --> 00:07:51,405
Well, it is now.

92
00:07:51,438 --> 00:07:52,406
I rewrote it.

93
00:07:52,439 --> 00:07:53,707
I thought we cut that.

94
00:07:53,740 --> 00:07:54,708
Did we cut...?

95
00:07:54,741 --> 00:07:56,076
No, we didn't.

96
00:07:56,109 --> 00:07:57,411
We didn't?

97
00:07:57,444 --> 00:07:59,012
Oh, great.
that's even better.

98
00:07:59,046 --> 00:08:00,914
I'll put it back in.
uh... rewrite.

99
00:08:00,947 --> 00:08:02,516
Scene one's back in,
everyone.

100
00:08:02,549 --> 00:08:04,351
Scene one's back in.
great. great.

101
00:08:04,384 --> 00:08:06,420
This is the scene
outside the tent.

102
00:08:06,453 --> 00:08:07,921
It's all bloody marvelous.

103
00:08:07,954 --> 00:08:09,589
It makes you want
to throw up.

104
00:08:09,623 --> 00:08:10,924
Now, in this scene

105
00:08:10,957 --> 00:08:14,194
Lieutenant scott returns to camp
in the early morning

106
00:08:14,227 --> 00:08:15,796
After walking the huskies

107
00:08:15,829 --> 00:08:18,331
To have brunch
with the rest of his team.

108
00:08:18,365 --> 00:08:19,599
Oates

109
00:08:19,633 --> 00:08:22,602
Played by your very own
lovely terrence lemming

110
00:08:22,636 --> 00:08:24,705
Who is an english
cockney officer

111
00:08:24,738 --> 00:08:26,273
Seconded to
the u.s. navy

112
00:08:26,306 --> 00:08:28,775
And bowers, played
by seymour fortescue

113
00:08:28,809 --> 00:08:32,813
The olympic
pole-vaulter.

114
00:08:40,620 --> 00:08:41,922
Hi, lieutenant.

115
00:08:41,955 --> 00:08:43,090
Hi, oatesy.

116
00:08:43,123 --> 00:08:45,959
Sure is a beautiful day
already.

117
00:08:45,992 --> 00:08:47,461
Great! great!

118
00:08:47,494 --> 00:08:49,429
What... what-what
are you saying?

119
00:08:49,463 --> 00:08:51,631
I was just saying,
"great! great!"

120
00:08:51,665 --> 00:08:54,134
Cue evans.

121
00:08:54,167 --> 00:08:57,637
Sand this is vanilla
hoare as miss evans.

122
00:08:57,671 --> 00:08:58,939
Miss evans?

123
00:08:58,972 --> 00:09:00,140
Right.

124
00:09:00,173 --> 00:09:04,177
Good morning, miss evans.

125
00:09:04,211 --> 00:09:07,581
Oh... I've forgotten my line.

126
00:09:07,614 --> 00:09:08,849
Uh, what's her line?

127
00:09:08,882 --> 00:09:10,250
What's her line?

128
00:09:10,283 --> 00:09:11,952
"good morning,
captain scott."

129
00:09:11,985 --> 00:09:14,721
Oh, yeah.

130
00:09:15,021 --> 00:09:18,892
Good... morning, cap... ca...

131
00:09:18,925 --> 00:09:22,729
Oh, I'm just not really
very happy with that line.

132
00:09:22,763 --> 00:09:25,699
Could I just say,
"hi, scottie"?

133
00:09:25,732 --> 00:09:27,768
Great! great!
rewrite!

134
00:09:27,801 --> 00:09:29,903
Cue!

135
00:09:29,936 --> 00:09:31,038
Hi, scarrie.

136
00:09:31,071 --> 00:09:32,839
Oh... sorry.

137
00:09:32,873 --> 00:09:34,241
Hi, stocky.

138
00:09:34,274 --> 00:09:37,310
Oh... I'm sorry again.

139
00:09:37,344 --> 00:09:41,081
Oh, jim, I'm just not happy
with this line.

140
00:09:41,114 --> 00:09:44,551
Hey, can I do it all sort of...
kooky, like this?

141
00:09:44,584 --> 00:09:46,686
Hi, scotty!

142
00:09:46,720 --> 00:09:48,188
Great! we'll shoot it!

143
00:09:48,221 --> 00:09:49,990
Are you sure
that's right?

144
00:09:50,023 --> 00:09:51,124
Ah, it's great!

145
00:09:51,158 --> 00:09:52,492
Jim...

146
00:09:52,526 --> 00:09:54,161
Jim! jim!

147
00:09:54,194 --> 00:09:55,662
Ji... oh, me.

148
00:09:55,695 --> 00:09:59,099
Now, jim, I feel we may be running
into some problems here

149
00:09:59,132 --> 00:10:01,268
In the area of height.

150
00:10:01,301 --> 00:10:03,170
Great, where are they?

151
00:10:03,203 --> 00:10:04,638
Where are who?

152
00:10:04,671 --> 00:10:05,806
I don't know.

153
00:10:05,839 --> 00:10:07,207
I was getting confused.

154
00:10:07,240 --> 00:10:08,375
Jim...
great.

155
00:10:08,408 --> 00:10:10,477
I feel here that scott
may be too tall

156
00:10:10,510 --> 00:10:13,180
In the area of height,
with reference to vanilla

157
00:10:13,213 --> 00:10:14,681
Who is too near the ground

158
00:10:14,715 --> 00:10:17,818
In the area of being
too short at this time.

159
00:10:17,851 --> 00:10:19,319
Great.

160
00:10:19,352 --> 00:10:22,089
Oh, I know! I'm going
to dig a pit for scott

161
00:10:22,122 --> 00:10:24,257
And put a box
in vanilla's trench.

162
00:10:24,291 --> 00:10:27,394
Say, why don't I take
the boxes off

163
00:10:27,427 --> 00:10:30,030
And vanilla get up
out of the trench?

164
00:10:30,063 --> 00:10:32,833
It wouldn't work.

165
00:10:32,866 --> 00:10:34,167
It's even better!

166
00:10:34,201 --> 00:10:35,402
Great! rewrite!

167
00:10:35,435 --> 00:10:36,770
What was that?

168
00:10:36,803 --> 00:10:37,871
Oh, it's easy!

169
00:10:37,904 --> 00:10:39,072
I've worked it out.

170
00:10:39,106 --> 00:10:40,941
Uh, scott takes
his boxes off

171
00:10:40,974 --> 00:10:43,477
And you don't stand
in the trench.

172
00:10:43,510 --> 00:10:46,313
I say my lines
out of the trench?

173
00:10:46,346 --> 00:10:47,814
Even better. great.

174
00:10:47,848 --> 00:10:50,350
But I've never acted
out of a trench.

175
00:10:50,384 --> 00:10:51,651
I might fall over.

176
00:10:51,685 --> 00:10:52,919
It's dangerous.

177
00:10:52,953 --> 00:10:55,422
Oh, well, could you
just try it?

178
00:10:55,455 --> 00:10:57,491
Look, you crumb bum...

179
00:10:57,524 --> 00:10:59,326
I'm a star.

180
00:10:59,359 --> 00:11:01,361
Star, star, star.

181
00:11:01,395 --> 00:11:05,198
I don't get a million dollars
to act out of a trench.

182
00:11:05,232 --> 00:11:08,335
I played miss john the baptist
in a trench

183
00:11:08,368 --> 00:11:11,438
And I played miss napoleon
bonaparte in a trench

184
00:11:11,471 --> 00:11:14,174
And I played miss alexander
fleming in a furrow.

185
00:11:14,207 --> 00:11:16,943
So if you want this scene
played out of a trench

186
00:11:16,977 --> 00:11:20,580
Well, you just get yourself
a goddamn stuntman! huh!

187
00:11:20,614 --> 00:11:23,483
I played miss galileo
in a groove...

188
00:11:23,517 --> 00:11:25,552
And I played
mrs. jesus christ

189
00:11:25,585 --> 00:11:27,487
In a geological
syncline

190
00:11:27,521 --> 00:11:29,389
So don't tell me
how to act.

191
00:11:29,423 --> 00:11:30,690
I know how to act.

192
00:11:30,724 --> 00:11:31,992
I don't have to act...

193
00:11:32,025 --> 00:11:34,161
Great. uh, great, great,
everyone.

194
00:11:34,194 --> 00:11:35,562
Uh, lunch now. lunch.

195
00:11:35,595 --> 00:11:36,797
It's all in the can.

196
00:11:36,830 --> 00:11:38,098
Good morning's work.

197
00:11:38,131 --> 00:11:39,699
But you haven't
done a shot.

198
00:11:39,733 --> 00:11:42,436
Just keeping morale up.

199
00:11:42,469 --> 00:11:43,603
Now, this afternoon

200
00:11:43,637 --> 00:11:45,338
We're going to shoot the scene

201
00:11:45,372 --> 00:11:48,241
Where scott gets off the boat,
onto the ice floe

202
00:11:48,275 --> 00:11:49,509
And he sees the lion

203
00:11:49,543 --> 00:11:51,545
And he fights it and he kills it

204
00:11:51,578 --> 00:11:54,281
And the blood goes pssssshhh

205
00:11:54,314 --> 00:11:55,682
In slow motion.

206
00:11:55,716 --> 00:11:58,218
But there aren't any
lions in the antarctic.

207
00:11:58,251 --> 00:11:59,352
What?

208
00:11:59,386 --> 00:12:01,688
There aren't any lions
in the antarctic.

209
00:12:01,722 --> 00:12:04,624
You're right. there are
no lions in the antarctic.

210
00:12:04,658 --> 00:12:05,792
That's ridiculous!

211
00:12:05,826 --> 00:12:08,195
Whoever heard of a lion
in the antarctic??

212
00:12:08,228 --> 00:12:09,429
Right, lose the lion.

213
00:12:09,463 --> 00:12:11,298
Got to keep the lion.
it's great!

214
00:12:11,331 --> 00:12:12,399
Lose the lion.

215
00:12:12,432 --> 00:12:14,735
Great! we're losing
the lion. rewrite!

216
00:12:14,768 --> 00:12:16,336
Lose the lion, everyone.

217
00:12:16,370 --> 00:12:18,372
That's fantastic!

218
00:12:18,405 --> 00:12:21,341
What's this about, uh,
losing the lion?

219
00:12:21,375 --> 00:12:24,077
Uh, well, kirk, we thought
perhaps we might, uh...

220
00:12:24,111 --> 00:12:28,081
Lose the fight with the lion
a little bit, kirk, angel.

221
00:12:28,115 --> 00:12:29,683
Why?!

222
00:12:29,716 --> 00:12:31,151
Oh, well, kirkie, doll

223
00:12:31,184 --> 00:12:34,087
There are no lions
in the antarctic, baby.

224
00:12:34,121 --> 00:12:36,590
I get to fight
the lion!

225
00:12:36,623 --> 00:12:37,924
It'd be silly.

226
00:12:37,958 --> 00:12:40,861
Listen! I got
to fight the lion!

227
00:12:40,894 --> 00:12:43,330
That's what that guy
scott's all about.

228
00:12:43,363 --> 00:12:45,599
I know--
I studied him already.

229
00:12:45,632 --> 00:12:47,200
But why couldn't you
fight a penguin?

230
00:12:47,234 --> 00:12:49,703
Great!

231
00:12:49,836 --> 00:12:51,772
Fight a rotten,
little penguin?

232
00:12:51,805 --> 00:12:53,740
It needn't be
a little penguin.

233
00:12:53,774 --> 00:12:56,777
It can be the biggest penguin
you've ever seen.

234
00:12:56,810 --> 00:12:59,346
An electric penguin,
20 feet high

235
00:12:59,379 --> 00:13:02,382
With long, green tentacles
that sting people

236
00:13:02,416 --> 00:13:04,451
And you can stab it
in the wings

237
00:13:04,484 --> 00:13:06,753
And the blood
can go spurting...

238
00:13:06,787 --> 00:13:09,423
Pssssshhh in slow motion.

239
00:13:09,456 --> 00:13:12,159
The lion is
in the contract.

240
00:13:12,192 --> 00:13:13,827
He fights the lion.

241
00:13:13,860 --> 00:13:15,829
Even better! great!

242
00:13:15,862 --> 00:13:16,997
Have a drink.

243
00:13:17,030 --> 00:13:18,365
Hey, lose the penguin.

244
00:13:18,398 --> 00:13:20,367
Stand by to shoot.

245
00:13:20,400 --> 00:13:22,469
Where do they have lions?

246
00:13:22,502 --> 00:13:23,670
Africa.

247
00:13:23,704 --> 00:13:25,305
That's it!
scott's in africa.

248
00:13:25,338 --> 00:13:26,807
As many lions as we need.

249
00:13:26,840 --> 00:13:28,141
Great!

250
00:13:28,175 --> 00:13:31,111
Scott is looking for a pole
no one else knows about.

251
00:13:31,144 --> 00:13:32,713
That ties in with the sand.

252
00:13:32,746 --> 00:13:34,681
Right. paint the sand
yellow again.

253
00:13:34,715 --> 00:13:36,883
Okay, let's get this show
on the road.

254
00:13:36,917 --> 00:13:40,520
Scott of the sahara.

255
00:13:53,633 --> 00:13:56,603
Booming out of the pages
of history

256
00:13:56,636 --> 00:13:59,940
Comes a story
of three men and one woman

257
00:13:59,973 --> 00:14:03,343
Whose courage
shocked a generation.

258
00:14:03,377 --> 00:14:08,248
From the same team
that brought you:

259
00:14:14,287 --> 00:14:16,623
And:

260
00:14:17,724 --> 00:14:19,226
Comes the story

261
00:14:19,259 --> 00:14:22,229
Of three people and a woman,
united by fate

262
00:14:22,262 --> 00:14:25,999
Who set out in search of
the fabled pole of the sahara

263
00:14:26,032 --> 00:14:29,669
And found... themselves.

264
00:14:29,703 --> 00:14:32,939
See lieutenant scott's
death struggle

265
00:14:32,973 --> 00:14:37,044
With a crazed desert lion.

266
00:15:58,058 --> 00:16:01,395
See ensign oates'
frank adult death struggle

267
00:16:01,428 --> 00:16:07,334
With the spine-chilling
giant electric penguin...

268
00:17:05,659 --> 00:17:07,027
See miss evans

269
00:17:07,060 --> 00:17:12,833
Pursued by the man-eating
rolltop writing desk.

270
00:17:31,451 --> 00:17:34,221
And now for something
completely different.

271
00:17:34,254 --> 00:17:36,823
It's...

272
00:17:40,026 --> 00:17:44,331
Monty python's flying circus.

273
00:18:18,031 --> 00:18:22,602
And now, tired of the sounds
of dancing feet?

274
00:18:22,636 --> 00:18:26,373
Then listen to the sounds
of dancing teeth.

275
00:18:26,406 --> 00:18:28,675
Yes, brothers,
it's time once again

276
00:18:28,709 --> 00:18:33,814
For conrad poohs
and his dancing teeth.

277
00:19:21,228 --> 00:19:24,264
Excuse me, I'd like
to make a correction.

278
00:19:24,297 --> 00:19:27,934
Conrad is, in fact, holding
a letter, not a telegram.

279
00:19:27,968 --> 00:19:29,469
Thank you.

280
00:19:29,503 --> 00:19:33,006
A letter. a letter.

281
00:20:04,838 --> 00:20:08,341
Five pence, please.

282
00:20:34,101 --> 00:20:35,502
Excuse me.

283
00:20:35,535 --> 00:20:40,974
I would like to buy
a fish licence, please.

284
00:20:48,682 --> 00:20:51,017
The man's sign must be wrong.

285
00:20:51,051 --> 00:20:54,154
I have in the past
noticed a marked discrepancy

286
00:20:54,187 --> 00:20:56,490
Between these post office signs

287
00:20:56,523 --> 00:21:00,227
And the activities
carried out beneath.

288
00:21:00,260 --> 00:21:03,530
But soft, let us see
how dame fortune smiles

289
00:21:03,563 --> 00:21:06,833
Upon my next postal adventure.

290
00:21:06,867 --> 00:21:11,972
Hello. I would like to buy
a fish licence, please.

291
00:21:12,005 --> 00:21:13,006
A what?

292
00:21:13,040 --> 00:21:17,511
A licence for
my pet fish eric.

293
00:21:18,912 --> 00:21:20,514
How did you know
my name was eric??

294
00:21:20,547 --> 00:21:21,715
Oh, no, no, no.

295
00:21:21,748 --> 00:21:24,384
My fish's name is eric.
eric the fish.

296
00:21:24,418 --> 00:21:26,420
He's an 'alibut.

297
00:21:26,453 --> 00:21:27,988
He's a what?

298
00:21:28,021 --> 00:21:30,090
He is an halibut.

299
00:21:30,123 --> 00:21:33,093
You've got a pet halibut?

300
00:21:33,126 --> 00:21:36,229
Yes. I chose him
out of thousands.

301
00:21:36,263 --> 00:21:37,264
Didn't like the others.

302
00:21:37,297 --> 00:21:38,265
They were all too flat.

303
00:21:38,298 --> 00:21:39,800
You're a loony.

304
00:21:39,833 --> 00:21:42,102
I am not a loony!

305
00:21:42,135 --> 00:21:45,405
Why should I be tarred
with the epithet "loony"

306
00:21:45,439 --> 00:21:47,974
Merely because
I have a pet halibut?

307
00:21:48,008 --> 00:21:50,143
I've heard tell
that sir gerald nabarro

308
00:21:50,177 --> 00:21:51,745
Has a pet prawn called simon

309
00:21:51,778 --> 00:21:54,514
And you wouldn't call sir gerald
a loony, would you?

310
00:21:54,548 --> 00:21:55,582
Furthermore

311
00:21:55,615 --> 00:21:57,784
Dawn palethorpe,
the lady show jumper

312
00:21:57,818 --> 00:22:01,054
Had a clam called sir stafford
after the late chancellor.

313
00:22:01,088 --> 00:22:04,057
Alan bullock has two pikes,
both called norman

314
00:22:04,091 --> 00:22:09,029
And the late great marcel proust
had an 'addock!

315
00:22:09,062 --> 00:22:12,032
If you're calling the author
of a la recherche du temps perdu

316
00:22:12,065 --> 00:22:14,768
A loony, I shall have to ask you
to step outside!

317
00:22:14,801 --> 00:22:16,536
All right, all right, all right.

318
00:22:16,570 --> 00:22:17,671
You want a licence?

319
00:22:17,704 --> 00:22:18,472
Yes.

320
00:22:18,505 --> 00:22:19,272
For a fish?

321
00:22:19,306 --> 00:22:21,141
Yes.

322
00:22:21,174 --> 00:22:23,009
You are a loony.

323
00:22:23,043 --> 00:22:24,911
Look, it's a bleedin' pet,
isn't it?

324
00:22:24,945 --> 00:22:27,547
I've got a licence
for me pet dog eric

325
00:22:27,581 --> 00:22:30,417
And I got a licence
for me pet cat eric.

326
00:22:30,450 --> 00:22:32,085
You don't need
a licence for a cat.

327
00:22:32,119 --> 00:22:34,721
You bleedin' well do,
and I've got one.

328
00:22:34,755 --> 00:22:37,324
Ho-ho, you're not
catching me out there.

329
00:22:37,357 --> 00:22:40,794
There is no such thing
as a bloody cat licence.

330
00:22:40,827 --> 00:22:42,629
Yes, there is.

331
00:22:42,662 --> 00:22:44,798
No, there isn't.

332
00:22:44,831 --> 00:22:45,799
Is.

333
00:22:45,832 --> 00:22:46,800
Isn't.

334
00:22:46,833 --> 00:22:47,801
Is.

335
00:22:47,834 --> 00:22:48,802
Isn't.

336
00:22:48,835 --> 00:22:51,471
Uh-huh. is.

337
00:22:51,505 --> 00:22:53,140
Isn't.

338
00:22:53,173 --> 00:22:55,142
Is.

339
00:22:55,175 --> 00:22:57,644
Isn't.

340
00:22:58,211 --> 00:23:00,180
Is.

341
00:23:00,213 --> 00:23:01,481
Isn't.

342
00:23:01,515 --> 00:23:03,683
Is!

343
00:23:03,717 --> 00:23:04,751
Isn't.

344
00:23:04,785 --> 00:23:07,621
What's that, then?

345
00:23:07,654 --> 00:23:10,323
That is a dog licence with
the word "dog" crossed out

346
00:23:10,357 --> 00:23:12,526
And the word "cat"
written in in crayon.

347
00:23:12,559 --> 00:23:15,529
Well, the man didn't have
the proper form.

348
00:23:15,562 --> 00:23:16,596
What man?

349
00:23:16,630 --> 00:23:18,765
The man from
the cat detector van.

350
00:23:18,799 --> 00:23:20,867
"loony detective
van" you mean.

351
00:23:20,901 --> 00:23:22,836
It's people like you
what causes unrest.

352
00:23:22,869 --> 00:23:25,205
All right, what
cat detector van?

353
00:23:25,238 --> 00:23:29,276
The cat detector van
from the ministry of housinge.

354
00:23:29,309 --> 00:23:31,511
Housinge?

355
00:23:31,545 --> 00:23:33,613
Yes. it was spelt that way
on the van.

356
00:23:33,647 --> 00:23:35,782
I'm very observant.

357
00:23:35,816 --> 00:23:37,284
I've never seen so many aerials
in me life.

358
00:23:37,317 --> 00:23:39,252
The man told me their equipment

359
00:23:39,286 --> 00:23:41,455
Could pinpoint a purr
at 400 yards.

360
00:23:41,488 --> 00:23:45,726
And eric, being such a happy cat,
was a piece of cake.

361
00:23:45,759 --> 00:23:47,561
How much did this cost?

362
00:23:47,594 --> 00:23:51,298
60 quid and eight guineas
for the fruit bat.

363
00:23:51,331 --> 00:23:53,166
What fruit bat?

364
00:23:53,200 --> 00:23:54,935
Eric the fruit bat.

365
00:23:54,968 --> 00:23:56,403
Are all your pets called eric??

366
00:23:56,436 --> 00:23:58,138
There's nothing so odd
about that.

367
00:23:58,171 --> 00:24:02,442
Kemel ataturk had an entire
menagerie all called abdul.

368
00:24:02,476 --> 00:24:03,844
No, he didn't.

369
00:24:03,877 --> 00:24:06,246
Did, did, did, did,
did, did, did, indeed.

370
00:24:06,279 --> 00:24:07,481
There you are.

371
00:24:07,514 --> 00:24:10,851
Kemel ataturk the man
by e.w. swanton

372
00:24:10,884 --> 00:24:13,153
With a forward
by paul anka.

373
00:24:13,186 --> 00:24:16,456
Page 91, please.

374
00:24:19,659 --> 00:24:22,229
I owe you an apology, sir.

375
00:24:22,262 --> 00:24:24,231
Spoken like a gentleman.

376
00:24:24,264 --> 00:24:26,833
Now, are you going to give me
this fish licence?

377
00:24:26,867 --> 00:24:28,402
I promise you,
there is no such thing.

378
00:24:28,435 --> 00:24:29,569
You don't need one.

379
00:24:29,603 --> 00:24:31,705
Then I would like
a statement to that fact

380
00:24:31,738 --> 00:24:35,742
Signed by the lord mayor.

381
00:24:35,809 --> 00:24:39,012
You're in luck.

382
00:24:39,946 --> 00:24:42,616
And now, there is the mayor--

383
00:24:42,649 --> 00:24:46,420
Surely the third tallest mayor
in derby's history.

384
00:24:46,453 --> 00:24:48,121
And there are the aldermen

385
00:24:48,155 --> 00:24:51,091
Magnificently resplendent
in their aldermanic hose

386
00:24:51,124 --> 00:24:53,527
And just look at the power
in those thighs.

387
00:24:53,560 --> 00:24:55,662
The new zealanders are going
to find it pretty tough going

388
00:24:55,695 --> 00:24:58,131
In the set pieces
in the second half.

389
00:24:58,165 --> 00:25:01,101
So dawn palethorpe with one
clear round on sir gerald...

390
00:25:01,134 --> 00:25:02,836
And now the mayor has reached

391
00:25:02,869 --> 00:25:04,871
The great customer
mr. eric praline.

392
00:25:04,905 --> 00:25:06,940
And now the mayoral human being

393
00:25:06,973 --> 00:25:09,142
Takes the mayoral pen
in his mayoral hand

394
00:25:09,176 --> 00:25:10,944
And watched
by the lady mayoress

395
00:25:10,977 --> 00:25:12,713
Who, of course,
scored that magnificent try

396
00:25:12,746 --> 00:25:15,315
In the first half,
signs the fishy exemption.

397
00:25:15,348 --> 00:25:17,417
And the great customer,
mr. eric praline

398
00:25:17,451 --> 00:25:19,219
Who is understandably awed

399
00:25:19,252 --> 00:25:21,188
By the magnificence
and even the absurdity

400
00:25:21,221 --> 00:25:24,024
Of this great occasion here
at cardiff arms park

401
00:25:24,057 --> 00:25:25,959
Has finally gone spare

402
00:25:25,992 --> 00:25:29,096
And there is the "going sparal"
look on the front of his head.

403
00:25:29,129 --> 00:25:32,232
And now the alderman
are finishing their oranges

404
00:25:32,265 --> 00:25:39,139
And leaving the post office for
the start of the second half.

405
00:25:45,612 --> 00:25:48,048
And here come
the derby council xv

406
00:25:48,081 --> 00:25:49,916
following the all blacks
out onto the pitch.

407
00:25:49,950 --> 00:25:51,451
There, in the center
of the picture

408
00:25:51,485 --> 00:25:52,853
you can see dawn palethorpe
on sir gerald--

409
00:25:52,886 --> 00:25:53,987
one of the fastest wingers

410
00:25:54,020 --> 00:25:55,288
we must have seen in england
this season.

411
00:25:55,322 --> 00:25:56,723
On the left-hand side
of the picture

412
00:25:56,757 --> 00:25:58,592
the lord mayor has been running
such wonderful possession

413
00:25:58,625 --> 00:26:00,627
for derby council
in the lines out.

414
00:26:00,660 --> 00:26:02,462
And it's the all blacks
to kick off.

415
00:26:02,496 --> 00:26:03,463
Wilson to kick off.

416
00:26:03,497 --> 00:26:04,765
Oh, and I can see there

417
00:26:04,798 --> 00:26:06,500
the chairman of the by-ways
and highways committee

418
00:26:06,533 --> 00:26:08,268
who's obviously recovered
from that very nasty blow

419
00:26:08,301 --> 00:26:10,270
he got in that loose ball
in the first half.

420
00:26:10,303 --> 00:26:11,772
And wilson kicks off

421
00:26:11,805 --> 00:26:14,041
and it's the town clerk's taken
the ball beautifully there.

422
00:26:14,074 --> 00:26:16,510
The all blacks are up on it very
fast, and the whistle has gone.

423
00:26:16,543 --> 00:26:18,078
I'm not quite sure
what happened there.

424
00:26:18,111 --> 00:26:20,113
I couldn't see,
but there's a scrum-down.

425
00:26:20,147 --> 00:26:21,681
I think
it's an all blacks' ball.

426
00:26:21,715 --> 00:26:23,050
They were up on them very fast.

427
00:26:23,083 --> 00:26:25,685
Obviously, they're going to try
very hard in this half

428
00:26:25,719 --> 00:26:27,187
to wipe out
this five-point deficit.

429
00:26:27,220 --> 00:26:28,789
Derby council eight points
to three up

430
00:26:28,822 --> 00:26:31,058
and derby council have got
the ball against the head.

431
00:26:31,091 --> 00:26:33,693
There is the borough surveyor,
the scrum-half is out of the...

432
00:26:33,727 --> 00:26:35,762
uh, the chairman of the highway
and by-way committee

433
00:26:35,796 --> 00:26:36,897
who's kicked for touch.

434
00:26:36,930 --> 00:26:38,465
The line out--
and it's into the line out

435
00:26:38,498 --> 00:26:39,800
and the mayor has
got the ball again.

436
00:26:39,833 --> 00:26:41,034
To the borough surveyor.

437
00:26:41,068 --> 00:26:42,836
He's left out
the medical officer of health.

438
00:26:42,869 --> 00:26:44,571
Straight along the line
to the lady mayoress

439
00:26:44,604 --> 00:26:46,573
and the lady mayoress
has got to go through!

440
00:26:46,606 --> 00:26:47,774
Number two has missed her!

441
00:26:47,808 --> 00:26:49,009
She's up to the full back!

442
00:26:49,042 --> 00:26:50,410
There's only the full back
to beat!

443
00:26:50,444 --> 00:26:51,411
And she has scored!

444
00:26:51,445 --> 00:26:52,546
The lady mayoress has scored!

445
00:26:52,579 --> 00:26:54,314
It's 11 points to three.

446
00:26:54,347 --> 00:26:56,650
Cliff, this must have been
a very disappointing result

447
00:26:56,683 --> 00:26:58,251
For the all blacks.

448
00:26:58,285 --> 00:27:00,053
Well, they've had very bad
luck on their tour so far.

449
00:27:00,087 --> 00:27:02,456
In fact, they missed
four very easy kicks

450
00:27:02,489 --> 00:27:05,892
Against the exeter
amateur operatic society

451
00:27:05,926 --> 00:27:07,561
Which must have
cost them the match.

452
00:27:07,594 --> 00:27:09,796
And then, of course,
there was that crippling defeat

453
00:27:09,830 --> 00:27:12,365
At the hands of the derry
and toms soft toy department.

454
00:27:12,399 --> 00:27:14,935
So, I don't think they can
really be fancying their chances

455
00:27:14,968 --> 00:27:17,137
Against the london pooves
on saturday.

456
00:27:17,170 --> 00:27:18,505
And what about china?

457
00:27:18,538 --> 00:27:21,508
Well, whether mao tse tung
is alive or not

458
00:27:21,541 --> 00:27:23,877
Lin piao has a stranglehold
on the central committee

459
00:27:23,910 --> 00:27:25,946
Which lin shao chi
can't break.

460
00:27:25,979 --> 00:27:28,982
So it remains to be seen
whether chou en lai

461
00:27:29,015 --> 00:27:30,283
Can really get his finger out

462
00:27:30,317 --> 00:27:31,985
And get going
in the second half.

463
00:27:32,018 --> 00:27:33,587
Well, thank you, cliff.

464
00:27:33,620 --> 00:27:35,155
Tonight's
other outstanding match

465
00:27:35,188 --> 00:27:38,125
Was the semifinal between
the bournemouth gynecologists

466
00:27:38,158 --> 00:27:40,694
And the watford
long john silver impersonators.

467
00:27:40,727 --> 00:27:42,796
We bring you edited highlights
of the match.

468
00:27:42,829 --> 00:27:45,232
Argh.

469
00:28:38,018 --> 00:28:40,020
Well, that's about it for
tonight, ladies and gentlemen.

470
00:28:40,053 --> 00:28:42,189
But remember, if you enjoyed
watching the show

471
00:28:42,222 --> 00:28:44,224
Just half as much
as we've enjoyed doing it

472
00:28:44,257 --> 00:28:46,259
Then we've enjoyed it
twice as much as you.

473
00:28:46,293 --> 00:28:49,029
Ha-ha-ha.