1 00:01:58,282 --> 00:02:00,918 Come on. 2 00:02:50,434 --> 00:02:53,938 And now for something completely different... 3 00:02:53,971 --> 00:02:56,540 It's... 4 00:02:59,376 --> 00:03:03,681 Monty python's flying circus. 5 00:03:30,274 --> 00:03:32,576 Thank you very much for the change 6 00:03:32,610 --> 00:03:34,245 Mr. tobacconist. 7 00:03:34,278 --> 00:03:35,746 Was that all right? 8 00:03:35,779 --> 00:03:38,516 Shh! shh! 9 00:03:55,799 --> 00:03:57,501 Uh... hah... 10 00:03:57,535 --> 00:04:00,671 I will not buy this record. 11 00:04:00,704 --> 00:04:02,173 It is scratched. 12 00:04:02,206 --> 00:04:03,574 Sorry? 13 00:04:03,607 --> 00:04:07,511 I will not buy this record. 14 00:04:07,545 --> 00:04:09,079 It is scratched. 15 00:04:09,113 --> 00:04:10,414 No, no, no. 16 00:04:10,447 --> 00:04:11,982 This... tobacconist's. 17 00:04:12,016 --> 00:04:14,185 Ah! 18 00:04:14,218 --> 00:04:17,788 I will not buy this tobacconist's. 19 00:04:17,821 --> 00:04:19,690 It is scratched. 20 00:04:19,723 --> 00:04:21,025 No, no, no, no. 21 00:04:21,058 --> 00:04:22,693 Tobacco. um... cigarettes. 22 00:04:22,726 --> 00:04:24,028 Yah. yeah? 23 00:04:24,061 --> 00:04:25,696 Yah. cigarettes. yah. 24 00:04:25,729 --> 00:04:27,031 Uh... uh... yah. 25 00:04:27,064 --> 00:04:31,468 My hovercraft is full of eels. 26 00:04:33,170 --> 00:04:35,539 My hovercraft... 27 00:04:35,573 --> 00:04:36,874 Is full of eels. 28 00:04:36,907 --> 00:04:38,375 Matches. matches. 29 00:04:38,409 --> 00:04:41,178 Yah, yah, yah, yah, yah. 30 00:04:41,212 --> 00:04:43,147 Do you want... 31 00:04:43,180 --> 00:04:45,149 Do you want... 32 00:04:45,182 --> 00:04:47,484 To come back to my place... 33 00:04:47,518 --> 00:04:50,154 Bouncy bouncy? 34 00:04:50,187 --> 00:04:52,857 I don't think you're using that right. 35 00:04:52,890 --> 00:04:54,425 You great poof. 36 00:04:54,458 --> 00:04:56,894 Um... that'll be six and six, please. 37 00:04:56,927 --> 00:05:00,564 If I said you had a beautiful body 38 00:05:00,598 --> 00:05:03,701 Would you hold it against me? 39 00:05:03,734 --> 00:05:06,704 I-i am no longer infected. 40 00:05:06,737 --> 00:05:08,739 Um... may i? may i? 41 00:05:08,772 --> 00:05:10,241 Yah, yah, yah. 42 00:05:10,274 --> 00:05:11,742 It costs six and six... 43 00:05:11,775 --> 00:05:13,410 Costs six and... ah! 44 00:05:13,444 --> 00:05:14,745 Here we are. um... 45 00:05:14,778 --> 00:05:16,780 Yandelvayasna grldenwi 46 00:05:16,814 --> 00:05:19,617 Stravenka. 47 00:05:56,453 --> 00:05:59,123 What's going on here, then? 48 00:05:59,156 --> 00:06:02,626 Ah! you have beautiful thighs. 49 00:06:02,660 --> 00:06:03,961 What? 50 00:06:03,994 --> 00:06:05,296 He hit me. 51 00:06:05,329 --> 00:06:06,997 Drop your panties, sir william. 52 00:06:07,031 --> 00:06:08,632 I cannot wait till lunchtime. 53 00:06:08,666 --> 00:06:09,967 Right! 54 00:06:10,000 --> 00:06:11,502 My nipples 55 00:06:11,535 --> 00:06:15,039 Explode with delight. 56 00:06:15,072 --> 00:06:17,474 Call alexander yahlt. 57 00:06:17,508 --> 00:06:20,311 Call alexander yahlt 58 00:06:20,344 --> 00:06:23,147 Call alexander yahlt 59 00:06:23,180 --> 00:06:26,851 Call alexander yahlt. 60 00:06:27,184 --> 00:06:28,752 Oh, shut up! 61 00:06:28,786 --> 00:06:30,821 You are alexander yahlt? 62 00:06:30,855 --> 00:06:32,323 Oh, I am. 63 00:06:32,356 --> 00:06:34,325 Skip the impersonations. 64 00:06:34,358 --> 00:06:35,726 You are alexander yahlt? 65 00:06:35,759 --> 00:06:37,061 I am. 66 00:06:37,094 --> 00:06:38,395 You are hereby charged 67 00:06:38,429 --> 00:06:40,164 That on the 28th day of may, 68 00:06:40,197 --> 00:06:43,434 You did willfully, unlawfully, and with malice aforethought 69 00:06:43,467 --> 00:06:46,070 Publish an alleged english/hungarian phrase book 70 00:06:46,103 --> 00:06:47,404 With intent 71 00:06:47,438 --> 00:06:49,373 To cause a breach of the peace. 72 00:06:49,406 --> 00:06:50,374 How do you plead? 73 00:06:50,407 --> 00:06:51,509 Not guilty. 74 00:06:51,542 --> 00:06:54,211 You live at 46 horton terrace? 75 00:06:54,245 --> 00:06:55,846 I do live at 46 horton terrace. 76 00:06:55,880 --> 00:06:57,414 You are the director of a publishing company? 77 00:06:57,448 --> 00:06:59,049 I am the director of a publishing company. 78 00:06:59,083 --> 00:07:00,584 Your company publishes phrase books? 79 00:07:00,618 --> 00:07:02,186 My company does publish phrase books. 80 00:07:02,219 --> 00:07:03,721 You did say 46 horton terrace, did you? 81 00:07:03,754 --> 00:07:04,388 Yes. 82 00:07:04,421 --> 00:07:05,656 Hah! got him! 83 00:07:05,689 --> 00:07:07,892 Get on with it. 84 00:07:07,925 --> 00:07:09,193 Get on with it. 85 00:07:09,226 --> 00:07:10,528 Yes, m'lord. 86 00:07:10,561 --> 00:07:12,296 On the 28th day of may 87 00:07:12,329 --> 00:07:14,765 You published this phrase book. 88 00:07:14,798 --> 00:07:16,133 I did. 89 00:07:16,166 --> 00:07:17,801 I quote an example. 90 00:07:17,835 --> 00:07:19,737 The hungarian phrase meaning 91 00:07:19,770 --> 00:07:22,139 "can you direct me to the station" 92 00:07:22,173 --> 00:07:24,608 Is translated by the english phrase 93 00:07:24,642 --> 00:07:28,312 "please fondle my bum." 94 00:07:28,345 --> 00:07:31,048 I wish to plead incompetence. 95 00:07:31,081 --> 00:07:34,885 Please, may I ask for an adjournment, m'lord? 96 00:07:34,919 --> 00:07:39,089 Adjournment? certainly not. 97 00:07:43,160 --> 00:07:46,497 Why on earth didn't you say why you wanted an adjournment? 98 00:07:46,530 --> 00:07:52,436 I didn't know an acceptable legal phrase, m'lord. 99 00:07:53,704 --> 00:07:57,041 If there's any more stock film of women applauding 100 00:07:57,074 --> 00:07:58,709 I shall clear the court. 101 00:07:58,742 --> 00:08:02,346 Call abigail tesler. 102 00:08:02,913 --> 00:08:05,082 M'lord, this is abigail tesler. 103 00:08:05,115 --> 00:08:05,783 Is it? 104 00:08:05,816 --> 00:08:07,218 Yes, m'lord. 105 00:08:07,251 --> 00:08:09,320 23-year-old abigail hails from down under 106 00:08:09,353 --> 00:08:11,155 Where they're upside down about her. 107 00:08:11,188 --> 00:08:13,390 Those aussies certainly know a thing or two 108 00:08:13,424 --> 00:08:14,992 When it comes to beach belles. 109 00:08:15,025 --> 00:08:18,128 Bet some lifesaver wouldn't mind giving her the kiss of life. 110 00:08:18,162 --> 00:08:20,064 So watch out for the sharks, abigail. 111 00:08:20,097 --> 00:08:22,166 Journalist "is this strictly relevant?" 112 00:08:22,199 --> 00:08:24,468 Quizzed learned lovely, justice maltravers. 113 00:08:24,502 --> 00:08:26,504 78-year-old justice hails from esher 114 00:08:26,537 --> 00:08:28,906 And he's been making a big name for himself 115 00:08:28,939 --> 00:08:30,708 At the recent assizes at exeter. 116 00:08:30,741 --> 00:08:33,143 "all will be revealed soon, m'lord" 117 00:08:33,177 --> 00:08:36,347 Quipped tall, 42-year-old nelson bedowes, cutie q.c. 118 00:08:36,380 --> 00:08:38,048 Nelson's keen on negligence 119 00:08:38,082 --> 00:08:40,451 And grievous bodily harm at gray's inn. 120 00:08:40,484 --> 00:08:42,186 And with cases like he's won 121 00:08:42,219 --> 00:08:44,622 We bet gray's in when nelson's around. 122 00:08:44,655 --> 00:08:46,290 "well, get on with it" 123 00:08:46,323 --> 00:08:48,692 Admitted 78-year-old genial jurisprude maltravers 124 00:08:48,726 --> 00:08:51,595 Seen here at london airport on his way to judge for britain 125 00:08:51,629 --> 00:08:53,931 At the famous international court at the hague. 126 00:08:53,964 --> 00:08:56,600 Get off! 127 00:10:09,406 --> 00:10:10,641 Good evening. 128 00:10:10,674 --> 00:10:12,977 Tonight is indeed a unique occasion 129 00:10:13,010 --> 00:10:14,979 In the history of television. 130 00:10:15,012 --> 00:10:17,748 We are very privileged and deeply honored 131 00:10:17,781 --> 00:10:20,384 To have with us in the studio karl marx 132 00:10:20,417 --> 00:10:22,186 Founder of modern socialism 133 00:10:22,219 --> 00:10:24,722 And author of the communist manifesto. 134 00:10:24,755 --> 00:10:26,156 Vladimir ilich ulyanov 135 00:10:26,190 --> 00:10:28,359 Better known to the world as lenin 136 00:10:28,392 --> 00:10:31,929 Leader of the russian revolution, writer, statesman 137 00:10:31,962 --> 00:10:33,631 And father of modern communism. 138 00:10:33,664 --> 00:10:35,366 Che guevara 139 00:10:35,399 --> 00:10:37,101 The cuban guerrilla leader 140 00:10:37,134 --> 00:10:38,869 And mao tse tung 141 00:10:38,903 --> 00:10:42,206 Leader of the chinese communist party since 1949. 142 00:10:42,239 --> 00:10:45,943 And the first question is for you, karl marx. 143 00:10:45,976 --> 00:10:47,444 "the hammers." 144 00:10:47,478 --> 00:10:54,451 "'the hammers' is the nickname of what english football team?" 145 00:10:54,785 --> 00:10:56,086 The hammers? 146 00:10:56,120 --> 00:10:58,189 No? well, bad luck there, karl. 147 00:10:58,222 --> 00:10:59,823 So we go on to you, che. 148 00:10:59,857 --> 00:11:01,458 Che guevara. 149 00:11:01,492 --> 00:11:05,362 "coventry city last won the f.a. cup in what year?" 150 00:11:05,396 --> 00:11:07,264 No? 151 00:11:07,298 --> 00:11:08,866 I'll throw it open. 152 00:11:08,899 --> 00:11:12,937 "coventry city last won the f.a. cup in what year?" 153 00:11:12,970 --> 00:11:15,806 No? well, I'm not surprised you didn't get that. 154 00:11:15,840 --> 00:11:17,741 It was in fact a trick question. 155 00:11:17,775 --> 00:11:20,277 Coventry city have never won the f.a. cup. 156 00:11:20,311 --> 00:11:22,179 So, with the scores all equal now 157 00:11:22,213 --> 00:11:23,848 We go on to our second round 158 00:11:23,881 --> 00:11:26,083 And, lenin, it's your starter for ten. 159 00:11:26,116 --> 00:11:28,319 "teddy johnson and pearl carr 160 00:11:28,352 --> 00:11:31,555 "won the eurovision song contest in 1959. 161 00:11:31,589 --> 00:11:35,259 What was the name of the song?" 162 00:11:35,292 --> 00:11:38,028 Teddy johnson and pearl carr's song 163 00:11:38,062 --> 00:11:39,997 In the 1959 song contest? 164 00:11:40,030 --> 00:11:42,366 Anybody? no? 165 00:11:42,399 --> 00:11:44,134 Yes, mao tse-tung. 166 00:11:44,168 --> 00:11:46,737 "sing little birdie"? 167 00:11:46,770 --> 00:11:48,305 Yes, it was indeed. 168 00:11:48,339 --> 00:11:51,609 Well challenged. 169 00:11:51,809 --> 00:11:55,379 Well, now we come on to our special gift section. 170 00:11:55,412 --> 00:11:57,448 The contestant is karl marx 171 00:11:57,481 --> 00:12:03,220 And the prize this week is a beautiful lounge suite. 172 00:12:03,254 --> 00:12:06,357 Now, karl has elected to answer questions 173 00:12:06,390 --> 00:12:09,159 On the workers' control of factories 174 00:12:09,193 --> 00:12:11,629 So here we go with question number one. 175 00:12:11,662 --> 00:12:13,297 You nervous? 176 00:12:13,330 --> 00:12:16,934 "the development of the industrial proletariat 177 00:12:16,967 --> 00:12:20,171 Is conditioned by what other development?" 178 00:12:20,204 --> 00:12:22,673 The development of the industrial bourgeoisie. 179 00:12:22,706 --> 00:12:25,509 Yes. yes. yes, indeed. 180 00:12:25,543 --> 00:12:28,078 You're on your way to your lounge suite, karl. 181 00:12:28,112 --> 00:12:29,213 Question number two: 182 00:12:29,246 --> 00:12:31,215 "the struggle of class against class 183 00:12:31,248 --> 00:12:32,383 Is a what struggle?" 184 00:12:32,416 --> 00:12:33,384 "a what struggle?" 185 00:12:33,417 --> 00:12:34,552 A political struggle. 186 00:12:34,585 --> 00:12:36,854 Yes. yes. 187 00:12:36,887 --> 00:12:38,255 One final question, karl 188 00:12:38,289 --> 00:12:40,858 And the beautiful lounge suite will be yours. 189 00:12:40,891 --> 00:12:42,226 You going to have a go? 190 00:12:42,259 --> 00:12:43,327 You're a brave man. 191 00:12:43,360 --> 00:12:45,129 Karl marx, your final question: 192 00:12:45,162 --> 00:12:47,765 "who won the cup final in 1949?" 193 00:12:47,798 --> 00:12:51,101 Uh... the workers control the means of production. 194 00:12:51,135 --> 00:12:53,637 The struggle of the urban proletariat. 195 00:12:53,671 --> 00:12:56,140 No. it was in fact wolverhampton wanderers 196 00:12:56,173 --> 00:13:00,010 Who beat leicester 3-1. 197 00:13:22,600 --> 00:13:23,901 Ah. thank you. 198 00:13:23,934 --> 00:13:26,337 Just the word I was looking for. 199 00:13:26,370 --> 00:13:28,339 "I wonder," said la farge 200 00:13:28,372 --> 00:13:30,508 "just how much molineux." 201 00:13:30,541 --> 00:13:31,675 Hey! 202 00:13:31,709 --> 00:13:34,812 That's the bad jokes. 203 00:13:34,845 --> 00:13:38,516 And now a bit of fun. 204 00:14:20,391 --> 00:14:21,725 Jenkins? 205 00:14:21,759 --> 00:14:23,127 Yes, sarge? 206 00:14:23,160 --> 00:14:25,829 What you gonna do when you get back to blighty? 207 00:14:25,863 --> 00:14:27,131 I don't know, sarge. 208 00:14:27,164 --> 00:14:29,366 I 'spect I'll be looking after me mum. 209 00:14:29,400 --> 00:14:31,235 She'll be getting on a bit now. 210 00:14:31,268 --> 00:14:33,170 Got family of your own, have you? 211 00:14:33,204 --> 00:14:34,305 No, she's... 212 00:14:34,338 --> 00:14:36,073 She's all I got left now. 213 00:14:36,106 --> 00:14:37,975 My wife doreen, she... 214 00:14:38,008 --> 00:14:39,310 I got a letter. 215 00:14:39,343 --> 00:14:41,145 You don't have to tell me, son. 216 00:14:41,178 --> 00:14:43,047 No, sarge, I'd like to tell you. 217 00:14:43,080 --> 00:14:44,281 See... this place... 218 00:14:44,315 --> 00:14:45,349 Hold it! 219 00:14:45,382 --> 00:14:46,650 Hold it! 220 00:14:46,684 --> 00:14:49,620 Look, loves, can anyone not involved in this scene 221 00:14:49,653 --> 00:14:50,888 Please leave the set? 222 00:14:50,921 --> 00:14:52,189 Now, come on. please. 223 00:14:52,223 --> 00:14:54,258 Anyone not concerned in this scene. 224 00:14:54,291 --> 00:14:55,893 The canteen's open upstairs. 225 00:14:55,926 --> 00:14:57,194 Now, come on, please. 226 00:14:57,228 --> 00:14:58,529 Sorry, loves, sorry. 227 00:14:58,562 --> 00:15:01,565 We'll have to take it again from the top, all right? 228 00:15:01,599 --> 00:15:02,566 Okay. 229 00:15:02,600 --> 00:15:04,935 Cue! 230 00:15:06,637 --> 00:15:08,239 Hold it! 231 00:15:08,272 --> 00:15:09,240 Hold it! 232 00:15:09,273 --> 00:15:10,941 Now, who changed the caption? 233 00:15:10,975 --> 00:15:12,776 Can whoever changed the caption 234 00:15:12,810 --> 00:15:15,212 Put the right one back immediately, please? 235 00:15:15,246 --> 00:15:21,685 Right. all right, we'll take it again from the top. cue. 236 00:15:21,719 --> 00:15:22,686 Hold it! 237 00:15:22,720 --> 00:15:23,954 Hold it! 238 00:15:23,988 --> 00:15:25,589 Come on, come on, out of there! 239 00:15:25,623 --> 00:15:26,724 You're not in this. 240 00:15:26,757 --> 00:15:28,759 You're just holding the whole thing up. 241 00:15:28,792 --> 00:15:29,860 Come on, please. 242 00:15:29,894 --> 00:15:31,662 It's no good, loves, it's no good. 243 00:15:31,695 --> 00:15:33,330 We'll have to leave it for now. 244 00:15:33,364 --> 00:15:35,766 Come back when everyone's settled down a bit. 245 00:15:35,799 --> 00:15:38,536 So that means we go over to the art room, all right? 246 00:15:38,569 --> 00:15:41,539 So, cue camera three. 247 00:15:41,572 --> 00:15:43,541 Sorry! camera four. 248 00:15:43,574 --> 00:15:45,242 Aren't they marvelous? 249 00:15:45,276 --> 00:15:46,243 Yes, yes. 250 00:15:46,277 --> 00:15:48,379 The strength and boldness... 251 00:15:48,412 --> 00:15:51,315 Life and power in those colors. 252 00:15:51,348 --> 00:15:53,484 This must be titian's masterpiece. 253 00:15:53,517 --> 00:15:56,487 Oh, indeed, if only for the composition alone. 254 00:15:56,520 --> 00:15:58,856 The strength of those foreground figures 255 00:15:58,889 --> 00:16:00,758 The firmness of the line. 256 00:16:00,791 --> 00:16:07,598 Yes, the confidence of a master at the height of his powers. 257 00:16:16,173 --> 00:16:17,241 Yes? 258 00:16:17,274 --> 00:16:18,976 Hello, sonny. your dad in? 259 00:16:19,009 --> 00:16:20,277 Yes. 260 00:16:20,311 --> 00:16:21,679 Could I speak to him, please? 261 00:16:21,712 --> 00:16:23,180 It's the man from "the hay-wain." 262 00:16:23,214 --> 00:16:24,348 Who? 263 00:16:24,381 --> 00:16:26,483 The man from "the hay-wain" by constable. 264 00:16:26,517 --> 00:16:28,485 Dad! it's the man from "the hay-wain" 265 00:16:28,519 --> 00:16:29,854 By constable to see you. 266 00:16:29,887 --> 00:16:32,456 Coming. 267 00:16:41,365 --> 00:16:42,366 Hello. 268 00:16:42,399 --> 00:16:43,868 How are you? come on in. 269 00:16:43,901 --> 00:16:45,302 Oh, no, no. can't stop. 270 00:16:45,336 --> 00:16:47,004 Just passing by, actually. 271 00:16:47,037 --> 00:16:48,539 Oh. where are you now? 272 00:16:48,572 --> 00:16:49,974 Well may you ask. 273 00:16:50,007 --> 00:16:52,510 We've just been moved in next to a roomful of bruegels. 274 00:16:52,543 --> 00:16:55,079 Terrible bloody din-- skating all hours of the night. 275 00:16:55,112 --> 00:16:56,914 Anyway, I've just dropped in to tell you 276 00:16:56,947 --> 00:16:58,949 There's been a walkout in the impressionists. 277 00:16:58,983 --> 00:17:00,518 Walkout, eh? 278 00:17:00,551 --> 00:17:02,920 Yeah. it started with the dejeuner sur l'herbe lot. 279 00:17:02,953 --> 00:17:04,421 Evidently, they were moved away 280 00:17:04,455 --> 00:17:06,156 From above the radiator or something. 281 00:17:06,190 --> 00:17:07,992 Anyway, the impressionists are all out. 282 00:17:08,025 --> 00:17:10,794 Gainsborough's blue boy's brought out the 18th-century english portraits 283 00:17:10,828 --> 00:17:13,430 The flemish school's solid, and the german woodcuts are at a meeting now. 284 00:17:13,464 --> 00:17:15,533 Right. well, I'll get the renaissance school out. 285 00:17:15,566 --> 00:17:17,568 Okay. meeting 4:30-- "bridge at arles." 286 00:17:17,601 --> 00:17:19,136 Okay. cheerio. good luck, son. 287 00:17:19,170 --> 00:17:20,371 Good luck. 288 00:17:20,404 --> 00:17:21,672 Right. everybody out! 289 00:17:21,705 --> 00:17:23,641 I'm off. 290 00:17:23,674 --> 00:17:25,042 I'm off. 291 00:17:25,075 --> 00:17:27,545 I'm off. 292 00:17:27,578 --> 00:17:29,713 I'm off. 293 00:17:29,747 --> 00:17:32,283 I'm off, dear. 294 00:17:32,316 --> 00:17:34,385 I'm off. 295 00:17:34,418 --> 00:17:36,253 I'm off, too. 296 00:17:36,287 --> 00:17:38,923 I'm off. 297 00:17:39,557 --> 00:17:40,758 Here is the news. 298 00:17:40,791 --> 00:17:42,259 By an almost unanimous vote 299 00:17:42,293 --> 00:17:44,094 paintings in the national gallery 300 00:17:44,128 --> 00:17:45,696 voted to continue the strike 301 00:17:45,729 --> 00:17:47,998 that has emptied frames for the last week. 302 00:17:48,032 --> 00:17:50,100 The man from constable's "the hay-wain" 303 00:17:50,134 --> 00:17:52,336 said last night that there was no chance 304 00:17:52,369 --> 00:17:54,939 of a return to the pictures before the weekend. 305 00:17:54,972 --> 00:17:58,075 Sir kenneth clarke has said he will talk to any painting 306 00:17:58,108 --> 00:18:02,346 if it can help bring a speedy end to the strike. 307 00:18:02,379 --> 00:18:04,548 At sotheby's, prices dropped dramatically 308 00:18:04,582 --> 00:18:06,951 as leading figures left their paintings. 309 00:18:06,984 --> 00:18:08,652 What am I bid for vermeer's 310 00:18:08,686 --> 00:18:11,088 "lady who used to be at a window"? 311 00:18:11,121 --> 00:18:12,356 Do I hear two bob? 312 00:18:12,389 --> 00:18:13,357 Two bob! 313 00:18:13,390 --> 00:18:14,592 Gone. 314 00:18:14,625 --> 00:18:17,161 Now what am I bid for another great bargain-- 315 00:18:17,194 --> 00:18:19,196 Edwin landseer's "nothing at bay"? 316 00:18:19,230 --> 00:18:20,464 All we bloody want 317 00:18:20,497 --> 00:18:23,167 Is a little bit of bloody consultation. 318 00:18:23,200 --> 00:18:27,104 At a mass meeting at brentford football ground 319 00:18:27,137 --> 00:18:29,940 Other works of art voted to come out 320 00:18:29,974 --> 00:18:32,176 In support of the paintings. 321 00:18:32,209 --> 00:18:34,178 The vote was unanimous... 322 00:18:34,211 --> 00:18:36,947 With one abstention. 323 00:18:36,981 --> 00:18:38,549 Meanwhile at television centre 324 00:18:38,582 --> 00:18:40,918 work began again on a sketch about ypres. 325 00:18:40,951 --> 00:18:43,921 A spokesman for the sketch said he fully expected it 326 00:18:43,954 --> 00:18:48,359 to be more sensible this time. 327 00:18:54,365 --> 00:18:55,766 Jenkins? 328 00:18:55,799 --> 00:18:56,800 Yes, sarge? 329 00:18:56,834 --> 00:18:57,868 What you gonna do 330 00:18:57,902 --> 00:18:59,436 When you get back to blighty? 331 00:18:59,470 --> 00:19:00,871 I don't know, sarge. 332 00:19:00,905 --> 00:19:02,373 I 'spect I'll look after me mum. 333 00:19:02,406 --> 00:19:03,841 She'll be getting on a bit now. 334 00:19:03,874 --> 00:19:06,177 Got a family of your own, have you? 335 00:19:06,210 --> 00:19:08,946 No. she-she's all I got left now. 336 00:19:08,979 --> 00:19:10,781 My wife doreen, she... 337 00:19:10,814 --> 00:19:12,216 I got a letter. 338 00:19:12,249 --> 00:19:13,717 You don't have to tell me, son. 339 00:19:13,751 --> 00:19:15,319 No, sarge, I'd like to tell you. 340 00:19:15,352 --> 00:19:17,454 You see, this bloke from up the street... 341 00:19:17,488 --> 00:19:18,556 Okay, chaps. 342 00:19:18,589 --> 00:19:19,957 At ease. 343 00:19:19,990 --> 00:19:21,692 I've just been up the line. 344 00:19:21,725 --> 00:19:23,227 Can we get through, sir? 345 00:19:23,260 --> 00:19:24,395 No. I'm afraid we'll have to make 346 00:19:24,428 --> 00:19:25,429 A break for it at nightfall. 347 00:19:25,462 --> 00:19:26,430 Right, sir. 348 00:19:26,463 --> 00:19:27,431 We're all with you. 349 00:19:27,464 --> 00:19:28,465 Yes, I know. 350 00:19:28,499 --> 00:19:30,000 That's just the problem, sergeant. 351 00:19:30,034 --> 00:19:31,235 How many are there of us? 352 00:19:31,268 --> 00:19:33,270 Well, sir, there's you, me, jenkins 353 00:19:33,304 --> 00:19:35,306 Padre, kipper-- there's five, sir. 354 00:19:35,339 --> 00:19:39,176 And only rations for... 355 00:19:39,543 --> 00:19:41,011 Four, sir. 356 00:19:41,045 --> 00:19:42,046 Precisely. 357 00:19:42,079 --> 00:19:43,714 I'm afraid one of us 358 00:19:43,747 --> 00:19:48,619 Will have to take the other way out. 359 00:19:51,889 --> 00:19:53,257 I'm a goner, major. 360 00:19:53,290 --> 00:19:54,358 Leave me. 361 00:19:54,391 --> 00:19:56,961 I'm... I'm not a complete man anymore. 362 00:19:56,994 --> 00:19:59,830 You've lost both your arms as well. 363 00:19:59,864 --> 00:20:02,199 Yes. 364 00:20:02,266 --> 00:20:04,001 Damn silly, really. 365 00:20:04,034 --> 00:20:05,870 No, no, we'll draw for it. 366 00:20:05,903 --> 00:20:08,672 That's the way we do things in the army. 367 00:20:08,706 --> 00:20:09,673 Sergeant, the straws. 368 00:20:09,707 --> 00:20:12,276 Righto. 369 00:20:13,377 --> 00:20:14,478 All right. 370 00:20:14,512 --> 00:20:17,715 Now, the man who gets the shortest straw 371 00:20:17,748 --> 00:20:20,184 Knows what to do. 372 00:20:20,217 --> 00:20:21,919 Looks like 373 00:20:21,952 --> 00:20:22,887 You, sir. 374 00:20:22,920 --> 00:20:24,655 Is it? oh, what did we say-- 375 00:20:24,688 --> 00:20:26,423 "the longest straw," was it? 376 00:20:26,457 --> 00:20:27,925 No. shortest, sir. 377 00:20:27,958 --> 00:20:29,393 Well, we better do it again. 378 00:20:29,426 --> 00:20:31,595 There's obviously been a bit of a muddle. 379 00:20:31,629 --> 00:20:34,598 There we go. 380 00:20:39,937 --> 00:20:43,073 Best of three? 381 00:20:50,281 --> 00:20:51,949 Right. 382 00:20:51,982 --> 00:20:56,387 Well, I got the shortest straw, so... 383 00:20:56,420 --> 00:21:00,224 I decide what means we use to decide who's going to do... 384 00:21:00,257 --> 00:21:03,160 To-to-to, uh, to, uh, to do the thing... 385 00:21:03,194 --> 00:21:04,828 To do the right thing. 386 00:21:04,862 --> 00:21:07,965 Now, rank doesn't enter into this. 387 00:21:07,998 --> 00:21:10,901 But obviously, if I should get through the lines 388 00:21:10,935 --> 00:21:15,272 I'll be in a very good position to recommend anyone very highly 389 00:21:15,306 --> 00:21:18,976 For a posthumous v.c. 390 00:21:25,416 --> 00:21:27,651 No? good, fine. 391 00:21:27,685 --> 00:21:29,086 Fine, fine, fine, fine. 392 00:21:29,119 --> 00:21:31,589 Right. 393 00:21:31,755 --> 00:21:35,159 Dip, dip, dip, my little ship 394 00:21:35,192 --> 00:21:37,628 Sails on the ocean, you are... 395 00:21:37,661 --> 00:21:38,762 No, no, wait a minute. 396 00:21:38,796 --> 00:21:41,632 Um... i-i-i must have missed out a dip. 397 00:21:41,665 --> 00:21:42,666 We'll start again. 398 00:21:42,700 --> 00:21:46,637 Dip, dip, dip, dip, my little ship 399 00:21:46,670 --> 00:21:48,539 Sails on the ocean, you are... 400 00:21:48,572 --> 00:21:50,140 No, this is not working out. 401 00:21:50,174 --> 00:21:51,575 It-it's not working out. 402 00:21:51,609 --> 00:21:53,177 Uh, what-what shall we do? 403 00:21:53,210 --> 00:21:55,179 How about one potato, two potato, sir? 404 00:21:55,212 --> 00:21:56,847 Don't be childish, jenkins. 405 00:21:56,881 --> 00:21:59,617 No, um, I think- I think fisties 406 00:21:59,650 --> 00:22:01,318 Would be best. 407 00:22:01,352 --> 00:22:04,088 Okay? so, uh, hands behind backs. 408 00:22:04,121 --> 00:22:07,157 After "three," okay? 409 00:22:07,191 --> 00:22:10,461 One, two, three! 410 00:22:11,695 --> 00:22:13,330 Now, what's this? 411 00:22:13,364 --> 00:22:16,300 Uh, stone, stone, stone and scissors. 412 00:22:16,333 --> 00:22:19,537 Now, uh, scissors cut everything, don't they? 413 00:22:19,570 --> 00:22:20,671 Not stones, sir. 414 00:22:20,704 --> 00:22:24,875 They're very good scissors. 415 00:22:25,342 --> 00:22:27,077 And padre hasn't been! 416 00:22:27,111 --> 00:22:28,913 No arms, sir. 417 00:22:28,946 --> 00:22:30,548 Oh, I'm terribly sorry. 418 00:22:30,581 --> 00:22:32,816 I-i-i-i'm afraid I didn't, um... 419 00:22:32,850 --> 00:22:35,553 Tell you what-- all those people 420 00:22:35,586 --> 00:22:37,721 Who don't want to stay here 421 00:22:37,755 --> 00:22:42,393 And shoot themselves. raise their arms. 422 00:22:42,426 --> 00:22:43,661 Stop it! stop it! 423 00:22:43,694 --> 00:22:46,130 Stop this... this hideous facade. 424 00:22:46,163 --> 00:22:47,665 E... easy, padre. 425 00:22:47,698 --> 00:22:48,999 No, no, I must speak. 426 00:22:49,033 --> 00:22:50,434 When i... when I came 427 00:22:50,467 --> 00:22:52,469 To this war, I had two arms-- two good arms 428 00:22:52,503 --> 00:22:54,672 But when the time came to... to lose one, i... 429 00:22:54,705 --> 00:22:58,108 I gave it-- I gave it gladly. 430 00:22:58,142 --> 00:22:59,877 I smiled as they cut it off 431 00:22:59,910 --> 00:23:03,180 Because I knew there was a future for mankind. i... 432 00:23:03,214 --> 00:23:05,616 I knew there was hope 433 00:23:05,649 --> 00:23:09,019 So long as men were prepared to give their limbs! 434 00:23:09,053 --> 00:23:12,957 And when the time came for me to give my other arm, i... 435 00:23:12,990 --> 00:23:14,525 I gave it gladly, i... 436 00:23:14,558 --> 00:23:17,261 I sang as they sawed it off, because I believed-- 437 00:23:17,294 --> 00:23:19,330 Oh, you may laugh!-- 438 00:23:19,363 --> 00:23:22,867 But I believed with every fiber of my body 439 00:23:22,900 --> 00:23:26,003 With every drop of rain that falls 440 00:23:26,036 --> 00:23:29,640 A... a flower grows. 441 00:23:29,640 --> 00:23:32,343 And that flower-- 442 00:23:32,376 --> 00:23:36,313 That small, agile, delicate flower-- 443 00:23:36,347 --> 00:23:38,582 Shall burst forth 444 00:23:38,616 --> 00:23:40,618 To give a new life 445 00:23:40,651 --> 00:23:43,854 A new strength! 446 00:24:00,871 --> 00:24:04,441 ...there is freedom-- freedom from fear 447 00:24:04,475 --> 00:24:07,711 Freedom from oppression and freedom from tyranny. 448 00:24:07,745 --> 00:24:11,282 A world where men and women of all races and creeds 449 00:24:11,315 --> 00:24:13,017 Can live together in communion. 450 00:24:13,050 --> 00:24:15,286 And then in the twilight of this life 451 00:24:15,319 --> 00:24:19,190 Our children and our children's children... 452 00:24:19,223 --> 00:24:20,324 Our patients here 453 00:24:20,357 --> 00:24:22,593 Are suffering from severe overacting. 454 00:24:22,626 --> 00:24:23,594 Argh! jim, lad! 455 00:24:23,627 --> 00:24:26,330 Argh! jim, lad! 456 00:24:26,363 --> 00:24:29,533 When they're brought in, they're all really over the top. 457 00:24:29,567 --> 00:24:32,803 It's our job to try and treat the condition of overacting. 458 00:24:32,837 --> 00:24:34,471 Rather serious. 459 00:24:34,505 --> 00:24:38,809 This is the richard iii ward. 460 00:24:43,614 --> 00:24:46,984 A horse. a horse. 461 00:24:47,451 --> 00:24:50,354 My kingdom for a horse. 462 00:24:50,387 --> 00:24:52,890 Most of these cases are pretty unpleasant. 463 00:24:52,923 --> 00:24:53,991 A horse! 464 00:24:54,024 --> 00:24:55,092 Nurse? 465 00:24:55,125 --> 00:24:56,160 A horse! 466 00:24:56,193 --> 00:24:59,029 My kingdom for... 467 00:24:59,063 --> 00:25:01,432 But the treatment does work with some people. 468 00:25:01,465 --> 00:25:02,566 This chap came to us 469 00:25:02,600 --> 00:25:04,735 Straight from the chichester festival. 470 00:25:04,768 --> 00:25:08,105 We operated just in time, and now he's almost normal. 471 00:25:08,138 --> 00:25:10,007 A horse, a horse. 472 00:25:10,040 --> 00:25:13,878 My kingdom for a horse. 473 00:25:16,447 --> 00:25:20,117 Argh! argh! argh! argh! 474 00:25:20,150 --> 00:25:23,454 Argh! argh! argh! argh! 475 00:25:23,487 --> 00:25:26,323 But, uh, in here, we have some very nasty 476 00:25:26,357 --> 00:25:28,259 Cases, indeed. 477 00:25:28,292 --> 00:25:31,795 To be or not to be. 478 00:25:32,363 --> 00:25:36,033 That is the question. 479 00:25:38,469 --> 00:25:40,404 To be... to be... 480 00:25:40,437 --> 00:25:43,007 Oh. oh. 481 00:26:08,832 --> 00:26:10,668 Good evening. 482 00:26:10,701 --> 00:26:14,972 First, take a bunch of flowers: 483 00:26:15,005 --> 00:26:19,643 Pretty begonias, irises, freesias 484 00:26:19,710 --> 00:26:22,479 And cry-manthesums. 485 00:26:22,513 --> 00:26:24,215 Then... 486 00:26:24,248 --> 00:26:26,183 Arrange them... 487 00:26:26,217 --> 00:26:27,685 Nicely... 488 00:26:27,718 --> 00:26:29,320 In a vase! 489 00:26:29,353 --> 00:26:31,288 Oh, get in! 490 00:26:31,322 --> 00:26:32,756 Get in! 491 00:26:32,790 --> 00:26:35,926 Get in! oh...! 492 00:26:38,262 --> 00:26:40,598 Shh! 493 00:26:44,668 --> 00:26:45,769 Morning. 494 00:26:45,803 --> 00:26:47,505 Morning! 495 00:26:47,538 --> 00:26:49,139 What you got, then? 496 00:26:49,173 --> 00:26:51,575 Well, there's egg and bacon. 497 00:26:51,609 --> 00:26:53,577 Uh, egg, sausage and bacon. 498 00:26:53,611 --> 00:26:54,945 Egg and spam. 499 00:26:54,979 --> 00:26:56,814 Egg, bacon and spam. 500 00:26:56,847 --> 00:26:59,783 Egg, bacon, sausage and spam. 501 00:26:59,817 --> 00:27:01,886 Spam, bacon, sausage and spam. 502 00:27:01,919 --> 00:27:04,522 Spam, egg, spam, spam, bacon and spam. 503 00:27:04,555 --> 00:27:05,990 Spam, spam 504 00:27:06,023 --> 00:27:07,825 Spam, egg and spam. 505 00:27:07,858 --> 00:27:11,462 Spam, spam, spam, spam, spam, spam, baked beans 506 00:27:11,495 --> 00:27:13,130 Spam, spam, spam and spam. 507 00:27:13,163 --> 00:27:16,233 Or lobster thermidor aux crevettes with mornay sauce 508 00:27:16,267 --> 00:27:19,670 Garnished with truffle pate, brandy, and a fried egg on top 509 00:27:19,703 --> 00:27:20,838 And spam. 510 00:27:20,871 --> 00:27:23,541 Have you got anything without spam in it? 511 00:27:23,574 --> 00:27:25,743 Well, spam, egg, sausage and spam. 512 00:27:25,776 --> 00:27:27,678 It's not got much spam in it. 513 00:27:27,711 --> 00:27:29,013 I don't want any spam! 514 00:27:29,046 --> 00:27:31,715 Why can't she have egg, bacon, spam and sausage? 515 00:27:31,749 --> 00:27:33,017 That's got spam in it! 516 00:27:33,050 --> 00:27:35,519 Not as much as spam, egg, sausage and spam. 517 00:27:35,553 --> 00:27:39,290 Look, could I have egg, bacon, spam and sausage 518 00:27:39,323 --> 00:27:40,491 Without the spam? 519 00:27:40,524 --> 00:27:41,392 Ugh! 520 00:27:41,425 --> 00:27:42,960 What do you mean "ugh"? 521 00:27:42,993 --> 00:27:44,428 I don't like spam! 522 00:27:44,461 --> 00:27:47,631 Spam, spam, spam, spam spam, spam, spam, spam 523 00:27:47,665 --> 00:27:49,200 Lovely spam! 524 00:27:49,233 --> 00:27:50,868 Wonderful spam! 525 00:27:50,901 --> 00:27:52,469 Lovely spam! wonderful spam! 526 00:27:52,503 --> 00:27:54,471 Shut up! shut up! 527 00:27:54,505 --> 00:27:57,241 Shut up! shut up! lovely spam! wonderful spam! 528 00:27:57,274 --> 00:27:59,643 You can't have egg, bacon, spam and sausage 529 00:27:59,677 --> 00:28:00,744 Without the spam. 530 00:28:00,778 --> 00:28:02,046 Why not?! 531 00:28:02,079 --> 00:28:04,515 Well, it wouldn't be egg, bacon, spam and sausage 532 00:28:04,548 --> 00:28:05,516 Would it? 533 00:28:05,549 --> 00:28:06,917 I don't like spam!!! 534 00:28:06,951 --> 00:28:09,620 Oh, don't make a fuss, dear. I'll have your spam. 535 00:28:09,653 --> 00:28:11,856 I love it! I'm having spam, spam, spam, spam, spam... 536 00:28:11,889 --> 00:28:13,557 Spam, spam, spam, spam spam, spam, spam, spam... 537 00:28:13,591 --> 00:28:14,959 ...spam, baked beans, spam, spam and spam! 538 00:28:14,992 --> 00:28:15,993 Baked beans are off. 539 00:28:16,026 --> 00:28:17,795 Well, can I have spam instead? 540 00:28:17,828 --> 00:28:19,430 You mean spam, spam, spam, spam... 541 00:28:19,463 --> 00:28:21,699 Spam, spam, spam, spam spam, spam, spam, spam 542 00:28:21,732 --> 00:28:23,501 Wonderful spam! yes! 543 00:28:23,534 --> 00:28:24,735 Ugh! 544 00:28:24,768 --> 00:28:25,936 Lovely spam! 545 00:28:25,970 --> 00:28:28,239 Shut up! shut up! 546 00:28:28,272 --> 00:28:30,574 "oh, great boobies, honey bun. 547 00:28:30,608 --> 00:28:33,110 "my lower intestine is full of spam, egg, spam, bacon... 548 00:28:33,143 --> 00:28:37,047 Spam, spam, spam, spam, spam, spam, spam, spam. "spam, spam... 549 00:28:37,081 --> 00:28:38,182 Shut up! 550 00:28:38,215 --> 00:28:39,550 "my nipples explode..." 551 00:28:39,583 --> 00:28:41,719 Lovely spam! wonderful spam! 552 00:28:41,752 --> 00:28:43,687 Another great viking victory 553 00:28:43,721 --> 00:28:45,956 Was at the green midget cafe in bromley. 554 00:28:45,990 --> 00:28:48,392 Once again, the viking strategy was the same. 555 00:28:48,425 --> 00:28:50,027 They sailed from these fjords here 556 00:28:50,060 --> 00:28:51,262 Assembled at trondheim 557 00:28:51,295 --> 00:28:53,063 And waited for the strong northeasterly winds 558 00:28:53,097 --> 00:28:54,698 To blow their oaken galleys to england 559 00:28:54,732 --> 00:28:56,500 Whence they sailed on may the 23rd. 560 00:28:56,534 --> 00:28:59,537 Once in bromley, they assembled in the green midget cafe 561 00:28:59,570 --> 00:29:01,739 And spam selecting a spam particular spam item 562 00:29:01,772 --> 00:29:03,140 From the spam menu would... 563 00:29:03,174 --> 00:29:07,411 Spam, spam, spam, spam spam, spam, spam, spam 564 00:29:07,444 --> 00:29:10,514 Lovely spam! wonderful spam! 565 00:29:10,548 --> 00:29:14,318 Spam, spam, spam, spam spam, spam, spam, spam 566 00:29:14,351 --> 00:29:17,021 Lovely spam! wonderful spam...! 567 00:29:17,054 --> 00:29:19,690 Shut up! 568 00:29:33,470 --> 00:29:37,308 Haagbard etheldronga and his viking hordes 569 00:29:37,341 --> 00:29:40,044 Are currently appearing in grin and pillage it 570 00:29:40,077 --> 00:29:42,012 At the jodrell theatre, colwyn bay. 571 00:29:42,046 --> 00:29:44,582 The dirty hungarian phrase book is available 572 00:29:44,615 --> 00:29:46,350 From her majesty's stationery office. 573 00:29:46,383 --> 00:29:50,454 Price-- a kiss on the bum.