Ladies and gentlemen
I am not simply going to say
"and now for something completely different" this week
As I do not think it fit.
This is a particularly auspicious occasion
For us this evening, as we have been told
That her majesty the queen will be watching
Part of this show tonight.
And we don't know exactly when her majesty will be tuning in.
We understand that at the moment she is watching the virginian
But we have been promised that we will be informed
The moment that she changes channel.
Her majesty would like everyone to behave quite normally
But her equerry has asked me to request all of you at home
To stand when the great moment arrives--
Although we here in the studio will be carrying on
With our humorous vignettes and spoofs in the ordinary way.
Thank you.
And now without any more ado and completely as normal
Here are the opening titles.
The coal miners of wales have long been famed
For their tough, rugged life hewing the black gold
From the uncompromising hell of one mile under.
This is the story of such men--
Battling gallantly against floods, roof falls
The english criminal law
The hidden killer, carbon monoxide
And the ever-present threat of pneumoconiosis which is a...
A disease miners get.
Don't you talk to me like that
You lying bastard.
You bleeding pig.
You're not fit to be down a mine.
Typical bleeding rhondda, isn't it.
You think you're so bloody clever.
All right.
You're bloody fighting again?
Break it up
Or I'll put this pick through your head.
Now what's it all about?
He started it.
Oh, you bleeding pig, you started it.
I don't care who bloody started it
What's it about?
Well, he said the bloody treaty of utrecht was 1713.
So it bloody is.
No, it bloody isn't.
It wasn't ratified till february 1714.
He's bluffing.
Your mind's gone, jenkins.
You're rubbish.
He's right, jenkins.
It was ratified september 1713.
The whole bloody pit knows that.
Look, in trevelyn, page 468.
He's thinking of the treaty of bloody westphalia.
Are you saying I don't know the difference between
The war of the bloody spanish succession
And the thirty bloody years' war?
You don't know the difference
Between the battle of borodino
And a tiger's bum.
Break it up! break it up!
I'm sick of all this bloody fighting.
If it's not the bloody treaty of utrecht
It's the bloody binomial theorem.
This isn't the senior common room at all souls--
It's the bloody coal face.
Hey, gaffer, can you settle something?
Morgan here says you find the abacus between the triglyphs
In the frieze section of the entablature
Of classical greek doric temples.
You bloody fool, morgan.
That's the metope.
The abacus is between
The architrave and the echinus in the capital.
You stinking liar!
Break it up.
Oh, most magnificent and merciful majesty
Master of the universe, protector of the meek
Whose nose we are not worthy to pick
And whose very feces are an untrammeled delight
And whose peacocks keep us awake
All hours of the night with their noisy lovemaking
We beseech thee, tell thy humble servants the name
Of the section between the triglyphs in the frieze section
Of a classical doric entablature.
No idea.
Sorry.
Right. everybody out.
Still no settlement
In the coal mine dispute at llanddarog.
Miners refuse to return to work
Until the management define a metope.
Meanwhile, at dagenham
The unofficial strike committee at fords
Have increased their demands
To 13 reasons why henry iii was a bad king.
And finally, in the disgusting objects international
At wembley tonight, england beat spain
By a plate of braised pus to a putrid heron.
And now, the toad elevating moment.
Good evening.
Well, we have in the studio tonight
A man who says things in a very roundabout way.
Isn't that so, mr. pudifoot?
Yes.
Have you always said things
In a very roundabout way?
Yes.
I can't help noticing that for someone who claims
To say things in a very roundabout way
Your last two answers have had very little
Of the discursive quality about them.
Oh, well, I'm not very talkative today.
It's a form of defensive response
To intense interrogative stimuli.
I used to get it very bad when I was a boy...
Well, when I say badly
In fact, do you remember that fashion they had
For, you know, little poodles with small coats...?
Ah, now you're beginning to talk...
You're beginning to talk in a roundabout way.
Oh, I'm sorry.
No, no, no. please do carry on
Because that is in fact why we wanted you on the show.
I thought it was because you were interested in me
As a human being.
Well, let's move on to our next guest
Who not only lives in essex
But also speaks only the ends of words.
Mr. ohn ith. mr. ith, good evening.
...ood ...ing.
Nice to have you...
Nice to have you on the show.
...ice ...o ...e ...ere.
Mr. ith, don't you find it very difficult
To make yourself understood?
Yes, it is extremely difficult.
Just a minute. you're a fraud.
Oh, no. I can speak the third
And fourth sentences perfectly normally.
I see.
So your next sentence will be only the ends of words again?
...t's ...ight.
As we move on to our next guest
Who speaks only the beginnings of words--
Mr. j... sm...
Mr. sm..., good evening.
G... e...
Have you two met before?
N... o. N...
Well, this is really a fascinating occasion
Because we have in the studio
Mr. ...oh... ...i...
Who speaks only the middles of words.
Good evening.
...oo... ...ni...
And where do you come from?
...u... ...i... ...a...
Dunfermline in scotland.
Well, let me introduce you.
Mr. ohn ith.
...ood ...ing.
Mr. j... sm...
...ooo... ...ni...
G... eve...
Yes, well, ha, ha, just a moment.
Perhaps you'd all like to say good evening together.
G... oo...d
Eve... ni... ing
Hi, there, beautiful.
Hi, bob.
Say, what's the matter with you?
I don't know, tom
But girls seem to avoid me these days.
Hmm, could be bad breath, bob.
Say, have you tried using crelm toothpaste?
Gosh, tom, do you think that would help?
You bet your boots it will, bob.
Tom was sure right.
Crelm has changed my life.
Hi, girls.
This table has been treated
With ordinary soap powder
But these have been treated with new fibro-val.
We put both of them in our washing machine
And just look at the difference.
The table
Is all broken and smashed--
But the sheets, with fibro-val, are sparkling clean and white.
I love the surgical garment.
Enjoy the delights of the victor mature abdominal corset.
Sail down the nile on the bleed-it kosher truss.
And don't forget the hercules hold-'em-in--
The all-purpose concrete truss
For the man with the family hernia.
Well, last week on fish club
We learnt how to sex a pike.
And this week we're going to learn how to feed a goldfish.
Now, contrary to what most people think
The goldfish has a ravenous appetite.
If it doesn't get enough protein it gets very thin--
Its bones begin to stick out and its fins start to fall off.
So once a week
Give your goldfish a really good meal.
Here's one specially recommended
By the board of irresponsible people.
First, some cold consomme or gazpacho...
Then some sausages with spring greens...
Sauteed potatoes, bread, gravy...
The rspca wish it to be known
That that man was not a bona-fide animal lover
And also that goldfish do not eat sausages...
...treacle tart!
Shut up.
They are quite happy with breadcrumbs, ants' eggs and...
Who wrote that?
Come on.
Oh, charles.
Come on.
Oh, oh...
Oh, come on...
Oh...
I hope you're enjoying the show.
Herbert mental collects bird-watchers' eggs.
At his home in surrey
He has a collection of over 400 of them.
Here now, this is a very interesting one.
This is from a mr. p.f. bradshaw.
He is usually found in surrey hedgerows
But I found this one
In the gents at st. pancras, uneaten.
Mr. mental, why did you start collecting bird-watcher's eggs?
Well, I did it to get on man alive.
Man alive?
That's right, yes.
Uh, but then, that got all serious.
So I carried on in the hope of a quick appearance
As an eccentric on the regional section of nationwide.
Mr. mental, I believe a couple of years ago
You started to collect butterfly hunters.
Butterfly hunters?
Yes.
Oh, that's right.
Here's a couple of them over here.
Nice little chaps.
But the hobby I enjoyed most was racing pigeon fanciers.
Dinsdale! dinsdale!
Is the balloon ready?
Yeah, boss.
Coming right up.
Okay, let's go.
Uh, good morning.
I've been in touch with you
About the, uh, life insurance.
Ah, yes.
Uh did you... did you bring the, uh...
Mmm, specimen of your...
Um, and so on and so on?
Uh, yes, I did.
It's in the car.
There's rather a lot.
Good, good.
Do you really need 12 gallons?
Mmm... no. no, not really.
Do you test it?
No.
Well, why do you want it?
Well, we do it to make sure
That you're serious about wanting insurance.
I mean, if you're not
You won't spend a couple of months
Filling up that enormous churn with...
Mmm... so on and so on.
Shall I bring it in?
Lord, no. throw it away.
Throw it away?
I was months filling that thing up.
And we've just heard that her majesty, the queen
Has just tuned in to this program
And she is now watching this royal sketch
Here in this royal set.
The actor on the left is wearing the great gray suit
Of the bbc wardrobe department
And the other actor is about to deliver
The first great royal joke here this royal evening.
Going to the right, you can see the royal cameraman
And behind...
Oh, we just heard she's switched over.
She's watching news at ten.
...despite the union's recommendation
That the strikers should accept the second and third clauses
Of the agreement arrived at last thursday.
Today saw the publication
Of the mcguffie commission's controversial report
On treatment of inpatients in north london hospitals.
Get on parade!
Come on, come on!
We haven't got all day, have we?
Come on, come on, come on!
Hurry up!
Right!
Now, I know some hospitals
Where you get the patients lying around in bed--
Sleeping, resting, recuperating, convalescing.
Well, that's not the way we do things here, right?!
No, you won't be loafing about in bed
Wasting the doctors' time.
You! you horrible little cripple!
What's the matter with you?
Fractured tibia, sergeant.
"fractured tibia, sergeant."
"fractured tibia, sergeant," ooh.
Proper little mummy's boy, aren't we?!
Well, I'll tell you something, my fine friend.
If you fracture a tibia here, you keep quiet about it!
Look at him! he's broke both his arms
And he don't go shouting about it, do he?!
No! 'cause he's a man, you...
He's a woman, you see
So don't try that fractured tibia talk with me!
Get on for detail at the double! one, two, three.
Pick that crutch up!
Pick that crutch right up!
Right... squad... 'tion!
Squad, right turn!
Squad, by the left, quick limp!
Come on, pick 'em up, there!
Get some air in those wounds!
Here at st. pooves, we believe in a.r.t.--
Active recuperation techniques.
We try to help the patient understand
That however ill he may be
He can still fulfill a useful role in society.
Sun lounge, please, mr. griffiths.
Well...
I got a triple fracture of the right leg
Dislocated collarbone and multiple head injuries
So I do most of the heavy work, like helping the surgeon.
What does that involve?
Well, at the moment, we're building him a holiday home.
What about the nurses?
Oh, well, I don't know about them.
They're not allowed to mix with the patients.
Do all the patients work?
No, no. the ones that are really ill do sport.
Yes, one thing patients here dread are the runs.
How are you feeling?
Much better.
But the patients are allowed visiting hours
And this week they're visiting an iron foundry at swindon
Which is crying out for unskilled labor.
But this isn't the only hospital
Where doctors' conditions are improving.
We have very little shortage of doctors here.
We have over 40 doctors per bed... uh, patient.
Oh, be honest : bed.
We've every facility here
For dealing with people who are rich.
We can deal with a blocked purse
We can drain private accounts, and in the worst cases
We can perform a total cashectomy
Which is total removal of all moneys from the patient.
Well, here we try to help people
Who have to link sketches together.
We try to stop them saying
"have you ever wondered what it would be like if...?"
And instead say something like, um...
"and now, the mountaineering sketch."
Well, I haven't written a mountaineering sketch, but...
Now to the exploding version of "the blue danube."
And now a dormitory in a girls' public school.
Hello. agnes?
Agnes, are you awake?
Agnes?
Who is it?
Is that you, charlie?
Yeah, agnes.
Where is jane?
I'm over here, charlie.
Jane, we're going down to raid the tuck shop.
Oh, good-o.
Count me in, girls.
Can I come, too, agnes?
Yeah, joyce.
And me and avril?
Yeah, rather. and suki.
Oh, whacko the diddle-oh.
Cave, girls.
Here comes miss rodgers.
All right, girls.
Now, stop this tomfoolery and get back into bed.
Remember, it's the big match
At st. bridget's tomorrow.
Yes, on your screen tomorrow--
Starring the men of the 14th marine commandos.
And now it's documentary time
When we look at the momentous last years
Of the second world war
And tonight, the invasion of normandy, performed
By the girls of oakdend high school, upper fifth science.
Oh, it's still raining.
I'm going down the shops.
Oh, be a dear and get me
Some rats' bane for the budgie's boil.
Otherwise, I'll put your eyes out.
Aye, aye, captain.
Coo-ee. torpedo bay.
Yoo-hoo. torpedo bay.
She said torpedo bay.
Yes, she did. she did.
Yes, she said torpedo bay, she did, she did.
Said torpedo bay, she did, she did.
Mrs. lieutenant edale here.
Mrs. midshipman nesbitt's got one of her headaches again
so I put her in the torpedo tube.
Roger, mrs. edale.
Stand by to fire mrs. nesbitt.
Standing by to fire mrs. nesbitt.
Red alert.
Put the kettle on.
Kettle on.
Engine room, stand by to feed the cat.
Standing by to feed the cat.
Fire mrs. nesbitt!
Oh, that's much better.
As an admiral who came up through the ranks
More times than you've had hot dinners
I wish to join my husband admiral o.w.a. giveaway
In condemning this shoddy misrepresentation
Of our modern navy.
The british navy is one of the finest
And most attractive
And butchest fighting forces in the world.
I love those white-flag trousers
And the feel of rough blue serge
On those pert little buttocks.
I'm afraid we're unable to show you any more of that letter.
We continue with a man with a stoat through his head.
And now...
Still no sign of land.
How long is it?
That's rather a personal question, sir.
You stupid git.
I meant how long have we been in the lifeboat?
You've spoilt the atmosphere now.
I'm sorry.
Shut up.
We'll have to start again.
Still no sign of land.
How long is it?
33 days, sir.
33 days.
I don't think we can hold out much longer.
I don't think I did spoil
The atmosphere. shut up!
I'm sorry. I don't think I did.
Of course you did.
Do you think I spoilt the atmosphere?
Well, i...
Look, shut up! shut up.
Still no sign of land.
How long is it?
33 days, sir.
Can we start it again?
Oh!
Still no sign of land.
How long is it?
33 days, sir.
33 days?
Yes.
We can't hold out much longer.
We haven't had any food since the fifth day.
We're done for, we're done for.
Shut up, maudling.
We've just got to keep hoping
Someone will find us.
How are you feeling, captain?
Not so good.
I feel so weak.
We can't hold out much longer.
Listen, chaps.
There's one last chance.
I'm done for.
I've got a gammy leg and I'm going fast.
I'll never get through, but...
Some of you might.
So you'd better eat me.
Eat you, sir?
Yes. eat me.
Ugh. with a gammy leg?
You don't have to eat the leg, thompson.
There's still plenty of good meat.
Look at that arm.
It's not... just the leg, sir.
What do you mean?
Well, sir, it's just that...
Why don't you want to eat me?
I'd rather eat johnson, sir.
Oh, so would i, sir.
I see.
Well, that's settled then.
Everyone eats me.
Well, i, um...
What sir?
No, no. you go ahead. I won't...
Nonsense, nonsense, sir.
You're starving. tuck in.
No, it's not just that.
What's the matter with johnson, sir?
Well, he's not kosher.
Depends how we kill him, sir.
Yes, yes, I see that, but, uh...
Well, to be quite frank
I like my meat a little more lean.
I'd rather eat hodges.
Oh, well, all right.
No, I still prefer to eat johnson.
I wish you'd all stop bickering and eat me.
I tell you what, why don't those of us who want to
Eat johnson, then, you, sir, can eat my leg
And then we'll make a stock of the captain, and after that
We can eat the rest of johnson cold for supper?
Good thinking, hodges.
And we'll finish off with the peaches.
And we can start off with the avocados.
Waitress? yes.
Waitress, we've decided now.
We're going to have a leg of hodges...
Dear sir, I'm glad to hear that your studio audience
Disapproves of the last skit as strongly as i.
As a naval officer, I abhor the implication
That the royal navy is a haven for cannibalism.
It is well known that we now have the problem
Relatively under control
And that it is the r.a.f who now suffer
The largest casualties in this area.
What do you think the argylls ate in aden? arabs?
Yours, etc., captain b.j. smethwick
In a white wine sauce with shallots, mushrooms and garlic.
Stop it. stop it.
Stop this cannibalism.
Let's have a sketch about clean, decent human beings.
Morning.
Ah, good morning.
What can I do for you, squire?
Uh, well, I wonder if you can help me.
Um, you see my mother's just died.
Oh, we can help. we deal with stiffs.
What?
Well, there are
Three things we can do with your mother.
We can burn her, bury her or dump her.
Dump her?
Dump her in the thames.
What?
Oh. did you like her?
Yes.
We won't dump her then.
What do you think?
We can bury her or burn her.
Well, which do you recommend?
Well, they're both nasty.
If we burn her, she gets stuffed in the flames--
Crackle, crackle, crackle-- which is a bit of a shock
If she's not quite dead, but quick.
Then we give you a handful of ashes
Which you can pretend were hers.
Oh. I see.
Or if we bury her, she gets eaten up
By lots of weevils and nasty maggots
Which, as I said before, is a bit of a shock
If she's not quite dead.
I see. well, she's, uh... she's definitely dead.
Where is she?
Well, she's in this sack.
She looks quite young.
Yes. yes, she was.
Fred!
Yeah?
I think we've got an eater.
What?
I'll get the oven on.
Right.
Uh... excuse me.
Um, are you, uh... are you suggesting
Eating my mother?
Yeah.
Not raw.
Cooked.
What?
Yes. roasted with a few french fries
Broccoli, horseradish sauce.
Well, I do feel a bit peckish.
Great.
Disgraceful!
Can we have some parsnips?
Fred, get some parsnips.
I really don't think I should.
Look, tell you what, we'll eat her
If you feel a bit guilty about it afterwards
We can dig a grave and you can throw up in it.