1 00:00:01,968 --> 00:00:03,035 Ladies and gentlemen 2 00:00:03,069 --> 00:00:04,937 I am not simply going to say 3 00:00:04,971 --> 00:00:07,940 "and now for something completely different" this week 4 00:00:07,974 --> 00:00:09,342 As I do not think it fit. 5 00:00:09,375 --> 00:00:11,677 This is a particularly auspicious occasion 6 00:00:11,711 --> 00:00:13,946 For us this evening, as we have been told 7 00:00:13,980 --> 00:00:16,315 That her majesty the queen will be watching 8 00:00:16,349 --> 00:00:17,783 Part of this show tonight. 9 00:00:17,817 --> 00:00:21,187 And we don't know exactly when her majesty will be tuning in. 10 00:00:21,220 --> 00:00:24,724 We understand that at the moment she is watching the virginian 11 00:00:24,757 --> 00:00:27,493 But we have been promised that we will be informed 12 00:00:27,526 --> 00:00:29,462 The moment that she changes channel. 13 00:00:29,495 --> 00:00:32,598 Her majesty would like everyone to behave quite normally 14 00:00:32,632 --> 00:00:35,835 But her equerry has asked me to request all of you at home 15 00:00:35,868 --> 00:00:38,037 To stand when the great moment arrives-- 16 00:00:38,070 --> 00:00:40,806 Although we here in the studio will be carrying on 17 00:00:40,840 --> 00:00:43,776 With our humorous vignettes and spoofs in the ordinary way. 18 00:00:43,809 --> 00:00:45,111 Thank you. 19 00:00:45,144 --> 00:00:47,613 And now without any more ado and completely as normal 20 00:00:47,647 --> 00:00:51,884 Here are the opening titles. 21 00:01:18,778 --> 00:01:22,481 The coal miners of wales have long been famed 22 00:01:22,515 --> 00:01:25,851 For their tough, rugged life hewing the black gold 23 00:01:25,885 --> 00:01:29,021 From the uncompromising hell of one mile under. 24 00:01:29,055 --> 00:01:31,157 This is the story of such men-- 25 00:01:31,190 --> 00:01:34,193 Battling gallantly against floods, roof falls 26 00:01:34,226 --> 00:01:35,828 The english criminal law 27 00:01:35,861 --> 00:01:38,164 The hidden killer, carbon monoxide 28 00:01:38,197 --> 00:01:42,501 And the ever-present threat of pneumoconiosis which is a... 29 00:01:42,535 --> 00:01:44,136 A disease miners get. 30 00:01:44,170 --> 00:01:46,105 Don't you talk to me like that 31 00:01:46,138 --> 00:01:47,373 You lying bastard. 32 00:01:47,406 --> 00:01:48,374 You bleeding pig. 33 00:01:48,407 --> 00:01:50,276 You're not fit to be down a mine. 34 00:01:50,309 --> 00:01:52,278 Typical bleeding rhondda, isn't it. 35 00:01:52,311 --> 00:01:54,213 You think you're so bloody clever. 36 00:01:54,246 --> 00:01:55,247 All right. 37 00:01:55,281 --> 00:01:56,616 You're bloody fighting again? 38 00:01:56,649 --> 00:01:57,750 Break it up 39 00:01:57,783 --> 00:01:59,785 Or I'll put this pick through your head. 40 00:01:59,819 --> 00:02:00,886 Now what's it all about? 41 00:02:00,920 --> 00:02:02,054 He started it. 42 00:02:02,088 --> 00:02:04,123 Oh, you bleeding pig, you started it. 43 00:02:04,156 --> 00:02:05,825 I don't care who bloody started it 44 00:02:05,858 --> 00:02:07,193 What's it about? 45 00:02:07,226 --> 00:02:12,264 Well, he said the bloody treaty of utrecht was 1713. 46 00:02:12,298 --> 00:02:14,033 So it bloody is. 47 00:02:14,066 --> 00:02:15,434 No, it bloody isn't. 48 00:02:15,468 --> 00:02:18,037 It wasn't ratified till february 1714. 49 00:02:18,070 --> 00:02:19,071 He's bluffing. 50 00:02:19,105 --> 00:02:20,906 Your mind's gone, jenkins. 51 00:02:20,940 --> 00:02:22,041 You're rubbish. 52 00:02:22,074 --> 00:02:23,442 He's right, jenkins. 53 00:02:23,476 --> 00:02:25,678 It was ratified september 1713. 54 00:02:25,711 --> 00:02:27,980 The whole bloody pit knows that. 55 00:02:28,014 --> 00:02:30,016 Look, in trevelyn, page 468. 56 00:02:30,049 --> 00:02:32,318 He's thinking of the treaty of bloody westphalia. 57 00:02:32,351 --> 00:02:34,887 Are you saying I don't know the difference between 58 00:02:34,920 --> 00:02:36,956 The war of the bloody spanish succession 59 00:02:36,989 --> 00:02:38,624 And the thirty bloody years' war? 60 00:02:38,658 --> 00:02:40,192 You don't know the difference 61 00:02:40,226 --> 00:02:41,661 Between the battle of borodino 62 00:02:41,694 --> 00:02:42,728 And a tiger's bum. 63 00:02:42,762 --> 00:02:44,130 Break it up! break it up! 64 00:02:44,163 --> 00:02:46,265 I'm sick of all this bloody fighting. 65 00:02:46,299 --> 00:02:48,601 If it's not the bloody treaty of utrecht 66 00:02:48,634 --> 00:02:50,503 It's the bloody binomial theorem. 67 00:02:50,536 --> 00:02:53,339 This isn't the senior common room at all souls-- 68 00:02:53,372 --> 00:02:54,907 It's the bloody coal face. 69 00:02:54,941 --> 00:02:56,776 Hey, gaffer, can you settle something? 70 00:02:56,809 --> 00:02:59,745 Morgan here says you find the abacus between the triglyphs 71 00:02:59,779 --> 00:03:01,714 In the frieze section of the entablature 72 00:03:01,747 --> 00:03:03,449 Of classical greek doric temples. 73 00:03:03,482 --> 00:03:04,951 You bloody fool, morgan. 74 00:03:04,984 --> 00:03:06,085 That's the metope. 75 00:03:06,118 --> 00:03:07,353 The abacus is between 76 00:03:07,386 --> 00:03:10,189 The architrave and the echinus in the capital. 77 00:03:10,222 --> 00:03:13,659 You stinking liar! 78 00:03:14,493 --> 00:03:17,463 Break it up. 79 00:03:30,710 --> 00:03:33,245 Oh, most magnificent and merciful majesty 80 00:03:33,279 --> 00:03:36,115 Master of the universe, protector of the meek 81 00:03:36,148 --> 00:03:38,384 Whose nose we are not worthy to pick 82 00:03:38,417 --> 00:03:41,420 And whose very feces are an untrammeled delight 83 00:03:41,454 --> 00:03:43,456 And whose peacocks keep us awake 84 00:03:43,489 --> 00:03:46,626 All hours of the night with their noisy lovemaking 85 00:03:46,659 --> 00:03:49,795 We beseech thee, tell thy humble servants the name 86 00:03:49,829 --> 00:03:53,566 Of the section between the triglyphs in the frieze section 87 00:03:53,599 --> 00:03:55,701 Of a classical doric entablature. 88 00:03:55,735 --> 00:03:57,703 No idea. 89 00:03:57,737 --> 00:03:58,738 Sorry. 90 00:03:58,771 --> 00:04:01,540 Right. everybody out. 91 00:04:01,574 --> 00:04:02,642 Still no settlement 92 00:04:02,675 --> 00:04:04,877 In the coal mine dispute at llanddarog. 93 00:04:04,910 --> 00:04:06,712 Miners refuse to return to work 94 00:04:06,746 --> 00:04:08,848 Until the management define a metope. 95 00:04:08,881 --> 00:04:10,283 Meanwhile, at dagenham 96 00:04:10,316 --> 00:04:12,852 The unofficial strike committee at fords 97 00:04:12,885 --> 00:04:14,687 Have increased their demands 98 00:04:14,720 --> 00:04:17,490 To 13 reasons why henry iii was a bad king. 99 00:04:17,523 --> 00:04:21,294 And finally, in the disgusting objects international 100 00:04:21,327 --> 00:04:24,063 At wembley tonight, england beat spain 101 00:04:24,096 --> 00:04:27,300 By a plate of braised pus to a putrid heron. 102 00:04:27,333 --> 00:04:32,138 And now, the toad elevating moment. 103 00:04:37,243 --> 00:04:38,544 Good evening. 104 00:04:38,577 --> 00:04:40,446 Well, we have in the studio tonight 105 00:04:40,479 --> 00:04:43,082 A man who says things in a very roundabout way. 106 00:04:43,115 --> 00:04:44,617 Isn't that so, mr. pudifoot? 107 00:04:44,650 --> 00:04:46,986 Yes. 108 00:04:47,386 --> 00:04:48,955 Have you always said things 109 00:04:48,988 --> 00:04:50,456 In a very roundabout way? 110 00:04:50,489 --> 00:04:51,991 Yes. 111 00:04:52,024 --> 00:04:54,860 I can't help noticing that for someone who claims 112 00:04:54,894 --> 00:04:57,063 To say things in a very roundabout way 113 00:04:57,096 --> 00:04:59,532 Your last two answers have had very little 114 00:04:59,565 --> 00:05:01,601 Of the discursive quality about them. 115 00:05:01,634 --> 00:05:03,869 Oh, well, I'm not very talkative today. 116 00:05:03,903 --> 00:05:05,838 It's a form of defensive response 117 00:05:05,871 --> 00:05:07,773 To intense interrogative stimuli. 118 00:05:07,807 --> 00:05:10,443 I used to get it very bad when I was a boy... 119 00:05:10,476 --> 00:05:11,777 Well, when I say badly 120 00:05:11,811 --> 00:05:14,013 In fact, do you remember that fashion they had 121 00:05:14,046 --> 00:05:16,449 For, you know, little poodles with small coats...? 122 00:05:16,482 --> 00:05:18,050 Ah, now you're beginning to talk... 123 00:05:18,084 --> 00:05:19,919 You're beginning to talk in a roundabout way. 124 00:05:19,952 --> 00:05:21,253 Oh, I'm sorry. 125 00:05:21,287 --> 00:05:22,655 No, no, no. please do carry on 126 00:05:22,688 --> 00:05:24,724 Because that is in fact why we wanted you on the show. 127 00:05:24,757 --> 00:05:27,593 I thought it was because you were interested in me 128 00:05:27,627 --> 00:05:28,694 As a human being. 129 00:05:28,728 --> 00:05:30,563 Well, let's move on to our next guest 130 00:05:30,596 --> 00:05:32,031 Who not only lives in essex 131 00:05:32,064 --> 00:05:34,100 But also speaks only the ends of words. 132 00:05:34,133 --> 00:05:36,302 Mr. ohn ith. mr. ith, good evening. 133 00:05:36,335 --> 00:05:37,303 ...ood ...ing. 134 00:05:37,336 --> 00:05:38,671 Nice to have you... 135 00:05:38,704 --> 00:05:40,706 Nice to have you on the show. 136 00:05:40,740 --> 00:05:42,008 ...ice ...o ...e ...ere. 137 00:05:42,041 --> 00:05:43,843 Mr. ith, don't you find it very difficult 138 00:05:43,876 --> 00:05:45,177 To make yourself understood? 139 00:05:45,211 --> 00:05:46,746 Yes, it is extremely difficult. 140 00:05:46,779 --> 00:05:48,080 Just a minute. you're a fraud. 141 00:05:48,114 --> 00:05:49,448 Oh, no. I can speak the third 142 00:05:49,482 --> 00:05:51,384 And fourth sentences perfectly normally. 143 00:05:51,417 --> 00:05:52,852 I see. 144 00:05:52,885 --> 00:05:55,855 So your next sentence will be only the ends of words again? 145 00:05:55,888 --> 00:05:56,856 ...t's ...ight. 146 00:05:56,889 --> 00:05:58,624 As we move on to our next guest 147 00:05:58,658 --> 00:06:00,960 Who speaks only the beginnings of words-- 148 00:06:00,993 --> 00:06:01,961 Mr. j... sm... 149 00:06:01,994 --> 00:06:03,195 Mr. sm..., good evening. 150 00:06:03,229 --> 00:06:04,530 G... e... 151 00:06:04,563 --> 00:06:06,198 Have you two met before? 152 00:06:06,232 --> 00:06:07,800 N... o. N... 153 00:06:07,833 --> 00:06:10,436 Well, this is really a fascinating occasion 154 00:06:10,469 --> 00:06:12,204 Because we have in the studio 155 00:06:12,238 --> 00:06:13,472 Mr. ...oh... ...i... 156 00:06:13,506 --> 00:06:15,441 Who speaks only the middles of words. 157 00:06:15,474 --> 00:06:16,575 Good evening. 158 00:06:16,609 --> 00:06:17,843 ...oo... ...ni... 159 00:06:17,877 --> 00:06:19,478 And where do you come from? 160 00:06:19,512 --> 00:06:20,646 ...u... ...i... ...a... 161 00:06:20,680 --> 00:06:22,081 Dunfermline in scotland. 162 00:06:22,114 --> 00:06:23,816 Well, let me introduce you. 163 00:06:23,849 --> 00:06:25,751 Mr. ohn ith. 164 00:06:25,785 --> 00:06:26,786 ...ood ...ing. 165 00:06:26,819 --> 00:06:27,820 Mr. j... sm... 166 00:06:27,853 --> 00:06:28,821 ...ooo... ...ni... 167 00:06:28,854 --> 00:06:30,189 G... eve... 168 00:06:30,222 --> 00:06:32,158 Yes, well, ha, ha, just a moment. 169 00:06:32,191 --> 00:06:34,860 Perhaps you'd all like to say good evening together. 170 00:06:34,894 --> 00:06:36,095 G... oo...d 171 00:06:36,128 --> 00:06:39,899 Eve... ni... ing 172 00:06:40,132 --> 00:06:43,803 Hi, there, beautiful. 173 00:06:46,339 --> 00:06:47,707 Hi, bob. 174 00:06:47,740 --> 00:06:50,476 Say, what's the matter with you? 175 00:06:50,509 --> 00:06:51,911 I don't know, tom 176 00:06:51,944 --> 00:06:54,914 But girls seem to avoid me these days. 177 00:06:54,947 --> 00:06:57,216 Hmm, could be bad breath, bob. 178 00:06:57,249 --> 00:07:00,419 Say, have you tried using crelm toothpaste? 179 00:07:00,453 --> 00:07:03,122 Gosh, tom, do you think that would help? 180 00:07:03,155 --> 00:07:06,525 You bet your boots it will, bob. 181 00:07:06,559 --> 00:07:08,628 Tom was sure right. 182 00:07:08,661 --> 00:07:12,665 Crelm has changed my life. 183 00:07:12,698 --> 00:07:15,501 Hi, girls. 184 00:07:20,239 --> 00:07:21,941 This table has been treated 185 00:07:21,974 --> 00:07:23,576 With ordinary soap powder 186 00:07:23,609 --> 00:07:26,612 But these have been treated with new fibro-val. 187 00:07:26,646 --> 00:07:28,948 We put both of them in our washing machine 188 00:07:28,981 --> 00:07:30,783 And just look at the difference. 189 00:07:30,816 --> 00:07:31,784 The table 190 00:07:31,817 --> 00:07:33,286 Is all broken and smashed-- 191 00:07:33,319 --> 00:07:40,293 But the sheets, with fibro-val, are sparkling clean and white. 192 00:07:55,341 --> 00:07:58,010 I love the surgical garment. 193 00:07:58,044 --> 00:08:01,314 Enjoy the delights of the victor mature abdominal corset. 194 00:08:01,347 --> 00:08:04,150 Sail down the nile on the bleed-it kosher truss. 195 00:08:04,183 --> 00:08:06,719 And don't forget the hercules hold-'em-in-- 196 00:08:06,752 --> 00:08:08,554 The all-purpose concrete truss 197 00:08:08,587 --> 00:08:12,158 For the man with the family hernia. 198 00:08:12,191 --> 00:08:14,727 Well, last week on fish club 199 00:08:14,760 --> 00:08:16,228 We learnt how to sex a pike. 200 00:08:16,262 --> 00:08:19,231 And this week we're going to learn how to feed a goldfish. 201 00:08:19,265 --> 00:08:21,233 Now, contrary to what most people think 202 00:08:21,267 --> 00:08:23,102 The goldfish has a ravenous appetite. 203 00:08:23,135 --> 00:08:25,805 If it doesn't get enough protein it gets very thin-- 204 00:08:25,838 --> 00:08:28,908 Its bones begin to stick out and its fins start to fall off. 205 00:08:28,941 --> 00:08:30,042 So once a week 206 00:08:30,076 --> 00:08:32,044 Give your goldfish a really good meal. 207 00:08:32,078 --> 00:08:33,846 Here's one specially recommended 208 00:08:33,879 --> 00:08:35,915 By the board of irresponsible people. 209 00:08:35,948 --> 00:08:38,884 First, some cold consomme or gazpacho... 210 00:08:38,918 --> 00:08:41,954 Then some sausages with spring greens... 211 00:08:41,988 --> 00:08:46,092 Sauteed potatoes, bread, gravy... 212 00:08:46,125 --> 00:08:48,894 The rspca wish it to be known 213 00:08:48,928 --> 00:08:52,131 That that man was not a bona-fide animal lover 214 00:08:52,164 --> 00:08:55,301 And also that goldfish do not eat sausages... 215 00:08:55,334 --> 00:08:56,802 ...treacle tart! 216 00:08:56,836 --> 00:08:58,371 Shut up. 217 00:08:58,404 --> 00:09:01,374 They are quite happy with breadcrumbs, ants' eggs and... 218 00:09:01,407 --> 00:09:04,610 Who wrote that? 219 00:09:23,162 --> 00:09:24,196 Come on. 220 00:09:24,230 --> 00:09:25,831 Oh, charles. 221 00:09:25,865 --> 00:09:28,334 Come on. 222 00:09:28,367 --> 00:09:30,136 Oh, oh... 223 00:09:30,169 --> 00:09:31,904 Oh, come on... 224 00:09:31,938 --> 00:09:33,005 Oh... 225 00:09:33,039 --> 00:09:35,441 Oh... 226 00:09:41,914 --> 00:09:46,485 I hope you're enjoying the show. 227 00:10:21,354 --> 00:10:24,824 Herbert mental collects bird-watchers' eggs. 228 00:10:24,857 --> 00:10:26,258 At his home in surrey 229 00:10:26,292 --> 00:10:28,894 He has a collection of over 400 of them. 230 00:10:28,928 --> 00:10:31,631 Here now, this is a very interesting one. 231 00:10:31,664 --> 00:10:33,899 This is from a mr. p.f. bradshaw. 232 00:10:33,933 --> 00:10:36,502 He is usually found in surrey hedgerows 233 00:10:36,535 --> 00:10:37,870 But I found this one 234 00:10:37,903 --> 00:10:40,373 In the gents at st. pancras, uneaten. 235 00:10:40,406 --> 00:10:45,011 Mr. mental, why did you start collecting bird-watcher's eggs? 236 00:10:45,044 --> 00:10:47,680 Well, I did it to get on man alive. 237 00:10:47,713 --> 00:10:48,881 Man alive? 238 00:10:48,914 --> 00:10:50,283 That's right, yes. 239 00:10:50,316 --> 00:10:51,951 Uh, but then, that got all serious. 240 00:10:51,984 --> 00:10:54,353 So I carried on in the hope of a quick appearance 241 00:10:54,387 --> 00:10:57,023 As an eccentric on the regional section of nationwide. 242 00:10:57,056 --> 00:11:00,192 Mr. mental, I believe a couple of years ago 243 00:11:00,226 --> 00:11:02,628 You started to collect butterfly hunters. 244 00:11:02,662 --> 00:11:03,929 Butterfly hunters? 245 00:11:03,963 --> 00:11:05,131 Yes. 246 00:11:05,164 --> 00:11:06,465 Oh, that's right. 247 00:11:06,499 --> 00:11:07,967 Here's a couple of them over here. 248 00:11:08,000 --> 00:11:09,502 Nice little chaps. 249 00:11:09,535 --> 00:11:16,008 But the hobby I enjoyed most was racing pigeon fanciers. 250 00:12:12,398 --> 00:12:15,901 Dinsdale! dinsdale! 251 00:12:21,173 --> 00:12:22,775 Is the balloon ready? 252 00:12:22,808 --> 00:12:24,243 Yeah, boss. 253 00:12:24,277 --> 00:12:27,113 Coming right up. 254 00:12:27,146 --> 00:12:30,349 Okay, let's go. 255 00:13:21,100 --> 00:13:22,268 Uh, good morning. 256 00:13:22,301 --> 00:13:23,669 I've been in touch with you 257 00:13:23,703 --> 00:13:26,072 About the, uh, life insurance. 258 00:13:26,105 --> 00:13:27,173 Ah, yes. 259 00:13:27,206 --> 00:13:28,941 Uh did you... did you bring the, uh... 260 00:13:28,975 --> 00:13:31,010 Mmm, specimen of your... 261 00:13:31,043 --> 00:13:33,112 Um, and so on and so on? 262 00:13:33,145 --> 00:13:34,280 Uh, yes, I did. 263 00:13:34,313 --> 00:13:35,615 It's in the car. 264 00:13:35,648 --> 00:13:38,284 There's rather a lot. 265 00:13:38,317 --> 00:13:39,685 Good, good. 266 00:13:39,719 --> 00:13:41,420 Do you really need 12 gallons? 267 00:13:41,454 --> 00:13:44,123 Mmm... no. no, not really. 268 00:13:44,156 --> 00:13:45,458 Do you test it? 269 00:13:45,491 --> 00:13:46,792 No. 270 00:13:46,826 --> 00:13:48,127 Well, why do you want it? 271 00:13:48,160 --> 00:13:49,328 Well, we do it to make sure 272 00:13:49,362 --> 00:13:51,163 That you're serious about wanting insurance. 273 00:13:51,197 --> 00:13:52,264 I mean, if you're not 274 00:13:52,298 --> 00:13:53,466 You won't spend a couple of months 275 00:13:53,499 --> 00:13:55,067 Filling up that enormous churn with... 276 00:13:55,101 --> 00:13:56,135 Mmm... so on and so on. 277 00:13:56,168 --> 00:13:57,903 Shall I bring it in? 278 00:13:57,937 --> 00:13:59,372 Lord, no. throw it away. 279 00:13:59,405 --> 00:14:00,406 Throw it away? 280 00:14:00,439 --> 00:14:05,244 I was months filling that thing up. 281 00:14:10,116 --> 00:14:13,152 And we've just heard that her majesty, the queen 282 00:14:13,185 --> 00:14:15,121 Has just tuned in to this program 283 00:14:15,154 --> 00:14:17,523 And she is now watching this royal sketch 284 00:14:17,556 --> 00:14:18,991 Here in this royal set. 285 00:14:19,025 --> 00:14:21,927 The actor on the left is wearing the great gray suit 286 00:14:21,961 --> 00:14:23,729 Of the bbc wardrobe department 287 00:14:23,763 --> 00:14:25,998 And the other actor is about to deliver 288 00:14:26,032 --> 00:14:29,001 The first great royal joke here this royal evening. 289 00:14:29,035 --> 00:14:31,938 Going to the right, you can see the royal cameraman 290 00:14:31,971 --> 00:14:33,306 And behind... 291 00:14:33,339 --> 00:14:35,207 Oh, we just heard she's switched over. 292 00:14:35,241 --> 00:14:38,244 She's watching news at ten. 293 00:14:38,277 --> 00:14:40,346 ...despite the union's recommendation 294 00:14:40,379 --> 00:14:43,849 That the strikers should accept the second and third clauses 295 00:14:43,883 --> 00:14:48,955 Of the agreement arrived at last thursday. 296 00:14:48,988 --> 00:14:50,356 Today saw the publication 297 00:14:50,389 --> 00:14:53,092 Of the mcguffie commission's controversial report 298 00:14:53,125 --> 00:14:56,162 On treatment of inpatients in north london hospitals. 299 00:14:56,195 --> 00:14:59,332 Get on parade! 300 00:15:01,367 --> 00:15:04,737 Come on, come on! 301 00:15:05,037 --> 00:15:07,673 We haven't got all day, have we? 302 00:15:07,707 --> 00:15:11,777 Come on, come on, come on! 303 00:15:12,211 --> 00:15:14,947 Hurry up! 304 00:15:19,552 --> 00:15:22,021 Right! 305 00:15:23,356 --> 00:15:25,024 Now, I know some hospitals 306 00:15:25,057 --> 00:15:29,462 Where you get the patients lying around in bed-- 307 00:15:29,495 --> 00:15:35,167 Sleeping, resting, recuperating, convalescing. 308 00:15:36,602 --> 00:15:40,673 Well, that's not the way we do things here, right?! 309 00:15:40,706 --> 00:15:43,542 No, you won't be loafing about in bed 310 00:15:43,576 --> 00:15:45,211 Wasting the doctors' time. 311 00:15:45,244 --> 00:15:47,747 You! you horrible little cripple! 312 00:15:47,780 --> 00:15:49,315 What's the matter with you? 313 00:15:49,348 --> 00:15:51,817 Fractured tibia, sergeant. 314 00:15:51,851 --> 00:15:54,120 "fractured tibia, sergeant." 315 00:15:54,153 --> 00:15:56,989 "fractured tibia, sergeant," ooh. 316 00:15:57,023 --> 00:15:59,158 Proper little mummy's boy, aren't we?! 317 00:15:59,191 --> 00:16:01,894 Well, I'll tell you something, my fine friend. 318 00:16:01,927 --> 00:16:05,865 If you fracture a tibia here, you keep quiet about it! 319 00:16:05,898 --> 00:16:08,567 Look at him! he's broke both his arms 320 00:16:08,601 --> 00:16:11,003 And he don't go shouting about it, do he?! 321 00:16:11,037 --> 00:16:13,339 No! 'cause he's a man, you... 322 00:16:13,372 --> 00:16:15,174 He's a woman, you see 323 00:16:15,207 --> 00:16:17,777 So don't try that fractured tibia talk with me! 324 00:16:17,810 --> 00:16:20,279 Get on for detail at the double! one, two, three. 325 00:16:20,313 --> 00:16:21,881 Pick that crutch up! 326 00:16:21,914 --> 00:16:25,985 Pick that crutch right up! 327 00:16:29,121 --> 00:16:33,025 Right... squad... 'tion! 328 00:16:33,626 --> 00:16:36,696 Squad, right turn! 329 00:16:36,729 --> 00:16:40,633 Squad, by the left, quick limp! 330 00:16:40,666 --> 00:16:43,636 Come on, pick 'em up, there! 331 00:16:43,669 --> 00:16:46,372 Get some air in those wounds! 332 00:16:46,405 --> 00:16:50,276 Here at st. pooves, we believe in a.r.t.-- 333 00:16:50,309 --> 00:16:52,178 Active recuperation techniques. 334 00:16:52,211 --> 00:16:54,246 We try to help the patient understand 335 00:16:54,280 --> 00:16:56,215 That however ill he may be 336 00:16:56,248 --> 00:17:00,052 He can still fulfill a useful role in society. 337 00:17:00,086 --> 00:17:04,790 Sun lounge, please, mr. griffiths. 338 00:17:05,658 --> 00:17:07,760 Well... 339 00:17:07,793 --> 00:17:10,029 I got a triple fracture of the right leg 340 00:17:10,062 --> 00:17:14,567 Dislocated collarbone and multiple head injuries 341 00:17:14,600 --> 00:17:18,871 So I do most of the heavy work, like helping the surgeon. 342 00:17:18,904 --> 00:17:21,540 What does that involve? 343 00:17:21,574 --> 00:17:24,777 Well, at the moment, we're building him a holiday home. 344 00:17:24,810 --> 00:17:26,279 What about the nurses? 345 00:17:26,312 --> 00:17:28,147 Oh, well, I don't know about them. 346 00:17:28,180 --> 00:17:30,650 They're not allowed to mix with the patients. 347 00:17:30,683 --> 00:17:32,084 Do all the patients work? 348 00:17:32,118 --> 00:17:37,790 No, no. the ones that are really ill do sport. 349 00:17:47,533 --> 00:17:53,372 Yes, one thing patients here dread are the runs. 350 00:18:05,451 --> 00:18:06,619 How are you feeling? 351 00:18:06,652 --> 00:18:09,622 Much better. 352 00:18:15,261 --> 00:18:18,364 But the patients are allowed visiting hours 353 00:18:18,397 --> 00:18:21,667 And this week they're visiting an iron foundry at swindon 354 00:18:21,701 --> 00:18:26,906 Which is crying out for unskilled labor. 355 00:18:28,808 --> 00:18:30,643 But this isn't the only hospital 356 00:18:30,676 --> 00:18:35,881 Where doctors' conditions are improving. 357 00:18:36,549 --> 00:18:38,784 We have very little shortage of doctors here. 358 00:18:38,818 --> 00:18:42,822 We have over 40 doctors per bed... uh, patient. 359 00:18:42,855 --> 00:18:46,459 Oh, be honest : bed. 360 00:18:46,993 --> 00:18:48,361 We've every facility here 361 00:18:48,394 --> 00:18:50,396 For dealing with people who are rich. 362 00:18:50,429 --> 00:18:52,198 We can deal with a blocked purse 363 00:18:52,231 --> 00:18:55,134 We can drain private accounts, and in the worst cases 364 00:18:55,167 --> 00:18:56,969 We can perform a total cashectomy 365 00:18:57,003 --> 00:19:02,041 Which is total removal of all moneys from the patient. 366 00:19:02,074 --> 00:19:03,843 Well, here we try to help people 367 00:19:03,876 --> 00:19:05,778 Who have to link sketches together. 368 00:19:05,811 --> 00:19:07,246 We try to stop them saying 369 00:19:07,280 --> 00:19:10,182 "have you ever wondered what it would be like if...?" 370 00:19:10,216 --> 00:19:13,352 And instead say something like, um... 371 00:19:13,386 --> 00:19:15,588 "and now, the mountaineering sketch." 372 00:19:15,621 --> 00:19:20,293 Well, I haven't written a mountaineering sketch, but... 373 00:19:20,326 --> 00:19:26,332 Now to the exploding version of "the blue danube." 374 00:19:59,231 --> 00:20:04,904 And now a dormitory in a girls' public school. 375 00:20:15,881 --> 00:20:17,617 Hello. agnes? 376 00:20:17,650 --> 00:20:19,986 Agnes, are you awake? 377 00:20:20,019 --> 00:20:22,488 Agnes? 378 00:20:24,857 --> 00:20:25,958 Agnes? 379 00:20:25,992 --> 00:20:27,460 Who is it? 380 00:20:27,493 --> 00:20:29,195 Is that you, charlie? 381 00:20:29,228 --> 00:20:30,196 Yeah, agnes. 382 00:20:30,229 --> 00:20:31,530 Where is jane? 383 00:20:31,564 --> 00:20:33,599 I'm over here, charlie. 384 00:20:33,633 --> 00:20:35,735 Jane, we're going down to raid the tuck shop. 385 00:20:35,768 --> 00:20:37,169 Oh, good-o. 386 00:20:37,203 --> 00:20:38,571 Count me in, girls. 387 00:20:38,604 --> 00:20:40,306 Can I come, too, agnes? 388 00:20:40,339 --> 00:20:41,540 Yeah, joyce. 389 00:20:41,574 --> 00:20:43,042 And me and avril? 390 00:20:43,075 --> 00:20:44,377 Yeah, rather. and suki. 391 00:20:44,410 --> 00:20:46,145 Oh, whacko the diddle-oh. 392 00:20:46,178 --> 00:20:47,146 Cave, girls. 393 00:20:47,179 --> 00:20:51,083 Here comes miss rodgers. 394 00:20:51,250 --> 00:20:53,019 All right, girls. 395 00:20:53,052 --> 00:20:55,521 Now, stop this tomfoolery and get back into bed. 396 00:20:55,554 --> 00:20:57,056 Remember, it's the big match 397 00:20:57,089 --> 00:20:58,557 At st. bridget's tomorrow. 398 00:20:58,591 --> 00:21:01,861 Yes, on your screen tomorrow-- 399 00:21:01,894 --> 00:21:05,698 Starring the men of the 14th marine commandos. 400 00:21:05,731 --> 00:21:07,333 And now it's documentary time 401 00:21:07,366 --> 00:21:09,535 When we look at the momentous last years 402 00:21:09,568 --> 00:21:11,003 Of the second world war 403 00:21:11,037 --> 00:21:13,639 And tonight, the invasion of normandy, performed 404 00:21:13,673 --> 00:21:20,246 By the girls of oakdend high school, upper fifth science. 405 00:21:34,293 --> 00:21:37,630 Oh, it's still raining. 406 00:21:37,663 --> 00:21:39,899 I'm going down the shops. 407 00:21:39,932 --> 00:21:41,400 Oh, be a dear and get me 408 00:21:41,434 --> 00:21:43,769 Some rats' bane for the budgie's boil. 409 00:21:43,803 --> 00:21:45,905 Otherwise, I'll put your eyes out. 410 00:21:45,938 --> 00:21:47,306 Aye, aye, captain. 411 00:21:47,340 --> 00:21:50,943 Coo-ee. torpedo bay. 412 00:21:53,045 --> 00:21:55,314 Yoo-hoo. torpedo bay. 413 00:21:55,348 --> 00:21:56,816 She said torpedo bay. 414 00:21:56,849 --> 00:21:58,117 Yes, she did. she did. 415 00:21:58,150 --> 00:22:00,486 Yes, she said torpedo bay, she did, she did. 416 00:22:00,519 --> 00:22:02,622 Said torpedo bay, she did, she did. 417 00:22:02,655 --> 00:22:04,523 Mrs. lieutenant edale here. 418 00:22:04,557 --> 00:22:08,361 Mrs. midshipman nesbitt's got one of her headaches again 419 00:22:08,394 --> 00:22:10,563 so I put her in the torpedo tube. 420 00:22:10,596 --> 00:22:12,465 Roger, mrs. edale. 421 00:22:12,498 --> 00:22:14,734 Stand by to fire mrs. nesbitt. 422 00:22:14,767 --> 00:22:17,069 Stand by to fire mrs. nesbitt. 423 00:22:17,103 --> 00:22:19,672 Standing by to fire mrs. nesbitt. 424 00:22:19,705 --> 00:22:22,074 Red alert. 425 00:22:22,108 --> 00:22:23,476 Put the kettle on. 426 00:22:23,509 --> 00:22:24,577 Kettle on. 427 00:22:24,610 --> 00:22:27,647 Engine room, stand by to feed the cat. 428 00:22:27,680 --> 00:22:30,049 Standing by to feed the cat. 429 00:22:30,082 --> 00:22:33,519 Fire mrs. nesbitt! 430 00:22:35,955 --> 00:22:38,591 Oh, that's much better. 431 00:22:38,624 --> 00:22:41,360 As an admiral who came up through the ranks 432 00:22:41,394 --> 00:22:43,529 More times than you've had hot dinners 433 00:22:43,562 --> 00:22:46,332 I wish to join my husband admiral o.w.a. giveaway 434 00:22:46,365 --> 00:22:48,734 In condemning this shoddy misrepresentation 435 00:22:48,768 --> 00:22:49,936 Of our modern navy. 436 00:22:49,969 --> 00:22:51,971 The british navy is one of the finest 437 00:22:52,004 --> 00:22:53,339 And most attractive 438 00:22:53,372 --> 00:22:55,608 And butchest fighting forces in the world. 439 00:22:55,641 --> 00:22:57,376 I love those white-flag trousers 440 00:22:57,410 --> 00:22:59,211 And the feel of rough blue serge 441 00:22:59,245 --> 00:23:00,880 On those pert little buttocks. 442 00:23:00,913 --> 00:23:04,417 I'm afraid we're unable to show you any more of that letter. 443 00:23:04,450 --> 00:23:10,690 We continue with a man with a stoat through his head. 444 00:23:11,290 --> 00:23:14,093 And now... 445 00:23:18,798 --> 00:23:21,167 Still no sign of land. 446 00:23:21,200 --> 00:23:22,935 How long is it? 447 00:23:22,969 --> 00:23:25,638 That's rather a personal question, sir. 448 00:23:25,671 --> 00:23:27,006 You stupid git. 449 00:23:27,039 --> 00:23:30,843 I meant how long have we been in the lifeboat? 450 00:23:30,876 --> 00:23:32,778 You've spoilt the atmosphere now. 451 00:23:32,812 --> 00:23:33,779 I'm sorry. 452 00:23:33,813 --> 00:23:34,780 Shut up. 453 00:23:34,814 --> 00:23:38,884 We'll have to start again. 454 00:23:41,520 --> 00:23:43,656 Still no sign of land. 455 00:23:43,689 --> 00:23:45,758 How long is it? 456 00:23:45,791 --> 00:23:47,893 33 days, sir. 457 00:23:47,927 --> 00:23:49,395 33 days. 458 00:23:49,428 --> 00:23:51,931 I don't think we can hold out much longer. 459 00:23:51,964 --> 00:23:53,499 I don't think I did spoil 460 00:23:53,532 --> 00:23:55,101 The atmosphere. shut up! 461 00:23:55,134 --> 00:23:56,836 I'm sorry. I don't think I did. 462 00:23:56,869 --> 00:23:57,970 Of course you did. 463 00:23:58,004 --> 00:24:00,172 Do you think I spoilt the atmosphere? 464 00:24:00,206 --> 00:24:01,107 Well, i... 465 00:24:01,140 --> 00:24:04,977 Look, shut up! shut up. 466 00:24:06,646 --> 00:24:09,382 Still no sign of land. 467 00:24:09,415 --> 00:24:11,183 How long is it? 468 00:24:11,217 --> 00:24:12,184 33 days, sir. 469 00:24:12,218 --> 00:24:13,619 Can we start it again? 470 00:24:13,653 --> 00:24:15,888 Oh! 471 00:24:22,128 --> 00:24:24,730 Still no sign of land. 472 00:24:24,764 --> 00:24:26,265 How long is it? 473 00:24:26,299 --> 00:24:27,166 33 days, sir. 474 00:24:27,199 --> 00:24:28,134 33 days? 475 00:24:28,167 --> 00:24:29,135 Yes. 476 00:24:29,168 --> 00:24:31,137 We can't hold out much longer. 477 00:24:31,170 --> 00:24:33,940 We haven't had any food since the fifth day. 478 00:24:33,973 --> 00:24:36,108 We're done for, we're done for. 479 00:24:36,142 --> 00:24:37,510 Shut up, maudling. 480 00:24:37,543 --> 00:24:39,812 We've just got to keep hoping 481 00:24:39,845 --> 00:24:41,113 Someone will find us. 482 00:24:41,147 --> 00:24:42,782 How are you feeling, captain? 483 00:24:42,815 --> 00:24:44,250 Not so good. 484 00:24:44,283 --> 00:24:47,153 I feel so weak. 485 00:24:47,186 --> 00:24:49,989 We can't hold out much longer. 486 00:24:50,022 --> 00:24:51,490 Listen, chaps. 487 00:24:51,524 --> 00:24:52,858 There's one last chance. 488 00:24:52,892 --> 00:24:55,094 I'm done for. 489 00:24:55,127 --> 00:24:57,596 I've got a gammy leg and I'm going fast. 490 00:24:57,630 --> 00:24:59,365 I'll never get through, but... 491 00:24:59,398 --> 00:25:01,033 Some of you might. 492 00:25:01,067 --> 00:25:03,269 So you'd better eat me. 493 00:25:03,302 --> 00:25:05,404 Eat you, sir? 494 00:25:05,438 --> 00:25:07,239 Yes. eat me. 495 00:25:07,273 --> 00:25:09,775 Ugh. with a gammy leg? 496 00:25:09,809 --> 00:25:12,044 You don't have to eat the leg, thompson. 497 00:25:12,078 --> 00:25:13,980 There's still plenty of good meat. 498 00:25:14,013 --> 00:25:15,047 Look at that arm. 499 00:25:15,081 --> 00:25:17,283 It's not... just the leg, sir. 500 00:25:17,316 --> 00:25:18,451 What do you mean? 501 00:25:18,484 --> 00:25:19,952 Well, sir, it's just that... 502 00:25:19,986 --> 00:25:21,520 Why don't you want to eat me? 503 00:25:21,554 --> 00:25:23,456 I'd rather eat johnson, sir. 504 00:25:23,489 --> 00:25:24,857 Oh, so would i, sir. 505 00:25:24,890 --> 00:25:25,858 I see. 506 00:25:25,891 --> 00:25:27,226 Well, that's settled then. 507 00:25:27,259 --> 00:25:28,227 Everyone eats me. 508 00:25:28,260 --> 00:25:29,228 Well, i, um... 509 00:25:29,261 --> 00:25:30,229 What sir? 510 00:25:30,262 --> 00:25:32,198 No, no. you go ahead. I won't... 511 00:25:32,231 --> 00:25:33,666 Nonsense, nonsense, sir. 512 00:25:33,699 --> 00:25:35,167 You're starving. tuck in. 513 00:25:35,201 --> 00:25:36,669 No, it's not just that. 514 00:25:36,702 --> 00:25:38,871 What's the matter with johnson, sir? 515 00:25:38,904 --> 00:25:42,675 Well, he's not kosher. 516 00:25:42,908 --> 00:25:44,477 Depends how we kill him, sir. 517 00:25:44,510 --> 00:25:46,545 Yes, yes, I see that, but, uh... 518 00:25:46,579 --> 00:25:47,913 Well, to be quite frank 519 00:25:47,947 --> 00:25:49,882 I like my meat a little more lean. 520 00:25:49,915 --> 00:25:51,250 I'd rather eat hodges. 521 00:25:51,284 --> 00:25:52,652 Oh, well, all right. 522 00:25:52,685 --> 00:25:55,021 No, I still prefer to eat johnson. 523 00:25:55,054 --> 00:25:56,789 I wish you'd all stop bickering and eat me. 524 00:25:56,822 --> 00:25:59,425 I tell you what, why don't those of us who want to 525 00:25:59,458 --> 00:26:01,627 Eat johnson, then, you, sir, can eat my leg 526 00:26:01,661 --> 00:26:04,697 And then we'll make a stock of the captain, and after that 527 00:26:04,730 --> 00:26:07,199 We can eat the rest of johnson cold for supper? 528 00:26:07,233 --> 00:26:08,401 Good thinking, hodges. 529 00:26:08,434 --> 00:26:10,436 And we'll finish off with the peaches. 530 00:26:10,469 --> 00:26:12,538 And we can start off with the avocados. 531 00:26:12,571 --> 00:26:13,572 Waitress? yes. 532 00:26:13,606 --> 00:26:16,108 Waitress, we've decided now. 533 00:26:16,142 --> 00:26:20,479 We're going to have a leg of hodges... 534 00:26:20,513 --> 00:26:23,649 Dear sir, I'm glad to hear that your studio audience 535 00:26:23,683 --> 00:26:26,285 Disapproves of the last skit as strongly as i. 536 00:26:26,319 --> 00:26:28,821 As a naval officer, I abhor the implication 537 00:26:28,854 --> 00:26:31,490 That the royal navy is a haven for cannibalism. 538 00:26:31,524 --> 00:26:34,026 It is well known that we now have the problem 539 00:26:34,060 --> 00:26:35,494 Relatively under control 540 00:26:35,528 --> 00:26:37,730 And that it is the r.a.f who now suffer 541 00:26:37,763 --> 00:26:39,799 The largest casualties in this area. 542 00:26:39,832 --> 00:26:42,635 What do you think the argylls ate in aden? arabs? 543 00:26:42,668 --> 00:26:44,637 Yours, etc., captain b.j. smethwick 544 00:26:44,670 --> 00:26:51,310 In a white wine sauce with shallots, mushrooms and garlic. 545 00:27:05,691 --> 00:27:09,061 Stop it. stop it. 546 00:27:09,595 --> 00:27:10,930 Stop this cannibalism. 547 00:27:10,963 --> 00:27:15,234 Let's have a sketch about clean, decent human beings. 548 00:27:15,268 --> 00:27:16,369 Morning. 549 00:27:16,402 --> 00:27:17,803 Ah, good morning. 550 00:27:17,837 --> 00:27:19,338 What can I do for you, squire? 551 00:27:19,372 --> 00:27:21,374 Uh, well, I wonder if you can help me. 552 00:27:21,407 --> 00:27:23,142 Um, you see my mother's just died. 553 00:27:23,175 --> 00:27:25,344 Oh, we can help. we deal with stiffs. 554 00:27:25,378 --> 00:27:26,078 What? 555 00:27:26,112 --> 00:27:27,213 Well, there are 556 00:27:27,246 --> 00:27:29,382 Three things we can do with your mother. 557 00:27:29,415 --> 00:27:31,550 We can burn her, bury her or dump her. 558 00:27:31,584 --> 00:27:32,618 Dump her? 559 00:27:32,652 --> 00:27:34,253 Dump her in the thames. 560 00:27:34,287 --> 00:27:35,187 What? 561 00:27:35,221 --> 00:27:36,822 Oh. did you like her? 562 00:27:36,856 --> 00:27:37,590 Yes. 563 00:27:37,623 --> 00:27:39,058 We won't dump her then. 564 00:27:39,091 --> 00:27:40,192 What do you think? 565 00:27:40,226 --> 00:27:41,827 We can bury her or burn her. 566 00:27:41,861 --> 00:27:43,529 Well, which do you recommend? 567 00:27:43,562 --> 00:27:44,964 Well, they're both nasty. 568 00:27:44,997 --> 00:27:47,633 If we burn her, she gets stuffed in the flames-- 569 00:27:47,667 --> 00:27:50,569 Crackle, crackle, crackle-- which is a bit of a shock 570 00:27:50,603 --> 00:27:52,538 If she's not quite dead, but quick. 571 00:27:52,571 --> 00:27:54,473 Then we give you a handful of ashes 572 00:27:54,507 --> 00:27:56,208 Which you can pretend were hers. 573 00:27:56,242 --> 00:27:57,276 Oh. I see. 574 00:27:57,310 --> 00:27:59,245 Or if we bury her, she gets eaten up 575 00:27:59,278 --> 00:28:01,280 By lots of weevils and nasty maggots 576 00:28:01,314 --> 00:28:03,883 Which, as I said before, is a bit of a shock 577 00:28:03,916 --> 00:28:05,351 If she's not quite dead. 578 00:28:05,384 --> 00:28:09,622 I see. well, she's, uh... she's definitely dead. 579 00:28:09,655 --> 00:28:10,823 Where is she? 580 00:28:10,856 --> 00:28:13,726 Well, she's in this sack. 581 00:28:13,759 --> 00:28:16,329 She looks quite young. 582 00:28:16,362 --> 00:28:17,930 Yes. yes, she was. 583 00:28:17,964 --> 00:28:18,931 Fred! 584 00:28:18,965 --> 00:28:19,932 Yeah? 585 00:28:19,966 --> 00:28:21,434 I think we've got an eater. 586 00:28:21,467 --> 00:28:22,802 What? 587 00:28:22,835 --> 00:28:24,403 I'll get the oven on. 588 00:28:24,437 --> 00:28:25,838 Right. 589 00:28:25,871 --> 00:28:26,973 Uh... excuse me. 590 00:28:27,006 --> 00:28:29,542 Um, are you, uh... are you suggesting 591 00:28:29,575 --> 00:28:32,945 Eating my mother? 592 00:28:33,679 --> 00:28:34,880 Yeah. 593 00:28:34,914 --> 00:28:36,048 Not raw. 594 00:28:36,082 --> 00:28:37,049 Cooked. 595 00:28:37,083 --> 00:28:38,117 What? 596 00:28:38,150 --> 00:28:40,653 Yes. roasted with a few french fries 597 00:28:40,686 --> 00:28:42,688 Broccoli, horseradish sauce. 598 00:28:42,722 --> 00:28:45,291 Well, I do feel a bit peckish. 599 00:28:45,324 --> 00:28:46,325 Great. 600 00:28:46,359 --> 00:28:47,994 Disgraceful! 601 00:28:48,027 --> 00:28:49,528 Can we have some parsnips? 602 00:28:49,562 --> 00:28:51,130 Fred, get some parsnips. 603 00:28:51,163 --> 00:28:53,099 I really don't think I should. 604 00:28:53,132 --> 00:28:55,301 Look, tell you what, we'll eat her 605 00:28:55,334 --> 00:28:58,137 If you feel a bit guilty about it afterwards 606 00:28:58,170 --> 00:29:03,843 We can dig a grave and you can throw up in it.