1 00:00:13,814 --> 00:00:17,250 Hello, good evening, and welcome to another edition 2 00:00:17,284 --> 00:00:20,353 Of blood, devastation, death, war and horror 3 00:00:20,387 --> 00:00:22,322 And later on we'll be talking 4 00:00:22,355 --> 00:00:24,257 To a man who does gardening 5 00:00:24,291 --> 00:00:27,027 But our first guest in the studio tonight 6 00:00:27,060 --> 00:00:29,763 Is a man who talks entirely in anagrams. 7 00:00:29,796 --> 00:00:30,864 Taht si crreoct. 8 00:00:30,897 --> 00:00:32,132 Do you enjoy this? 9 00:00:32,165 --> 00:00:33,867 I stom certainly od 10 00:00:33,900 --> 00:00:35,001 Revy chum so. 11 00:00:35,035 --> 00:00:36,670 And what's your name? 12 00:00:36,703 --> 00:00:38,438 Hamrag, hamrag yatlerot. 13 00:00:38,472 --> 00:00:40,307 Well, graham, nice to have you on the show. 14 00:00:40,340 --> 00:00:41,541 Now, where do you come from? 15 00:00:41,575 --> 00:00:42,542 Bumcreland. 16 00:00:42,576 --> 00:00:43,543 Cumberland? 17 00:00:43,577 --> 00:00:44,678 Staht sit sepreicly. 18 00:00:44,711 --> 00:00:46,446 And I believe you're working 19 00:00:46,480 --> 00:00:48,782 On an anagram version of shakespeare. 20 00:00:48,815 --> 00:00:50,450 Sey, sey, taht si crreoct. 21 00:00:50,484 --> 00:00:54,521 Uh... ta the mnemot, I'm wroking on "the mating of the wersh." 22 00:00:54,554 --> 00:00:56,990 "the mating of the wersh," by william shakespeare? 23 00:00:57,023 --> 00:00:59,292 Nay, by malliwi rapesheake. 24 00:00:59,326 --> 00:01:00,560 And, uh... what else? 25 00:01:00,594 --> 00:01:02,095 "two netlemeg of verona" 26 00:01:02,129 --> 00:01:04,831 "twelfth thing," "the chamrent of venice." 27 00:01:04,865 --> 00:01:06,333 Have you done "hamlet"? 28 00:01:06,366 --> 00:01:07,634 "thamle." 29 00:01:07,667 --> 00:01:11,972 "be ot or bot ne ot, tath is the nestquie." 30 00:01:12,005 --> 00:01:14,041 And what is your next project? 31 00:01:14,074 --> 00:01:15,809 "ring kichard the thrid." 32 00:01:15,842 --> 00:01:17,444 I'm sorry? 33 00:01:17,477 --> 00:01:19,012 "a shroe! a shroe! 34 00:01:19,046 --> 00:01:21,248 My dingkome for a shroe!" 35 00:01:21,281 --> 00:01:23,850 Ah, "ring kichard," yes. 36 00:01:23,884 --> 00:01:25,285 But surely that's not an anagram 37 00:01:25,318 --> 00:01:26,286 That's a spoonerism. 38 00:01:26,319 --> 00:01:27,587 If you're going to split hairs 39 00:01:27,621 --> 00:01:31,391 I'm going to piss off. 40 00:01:34,594 --> 00:01:35,295 Now... 41 00:01:35,328 --> 00:01:37,898 It's... 42 00:02:06,993 --> 00:02:11,465 Tony m. nyphot's flying risccu. 43 00:02:12,499 --> 00:02:18,271 Mrs. scab, you have 12 hours to beat the clock. 44 00:02:29,282 --> 00:02:30,417 Correct! 45 00:02:30,450 --> 00:02:31,718 I've done it! 46 00:02:31,752 --> 00:02:33,019 I've done it. 47 00:02:33,053 --> 00:02:35,922 Ha, ha, ha! 48 00:02:39,426 --> 00:02:40,427 Hello? 49 00:02:40,460 --> 00:02:41,795 Ah, mr. victim. 50 00:02:41,828 --> 00:02:44,464 Yes, I'm glad to say that I've got the go-ahead 51 00:02:44,498 --> 00:02:46,400 To lend you the money you require. 52 00:02:46,433 --> 00:02:50,037 Yes, we will of course want as security the deeds of your house 53 00:02:50,070 --> 00:02:52,973 Of your aunt's house, of your second cousin's house 54 00:02:53,006 --> 00:02:56,443 Of your wife's parents' house and of your grannie's bungalow 55 00:02:56,476 --> 00:02:59,379 And we will in addition need a controlling interest 56 00:02:59,413 --> 00:03:00,781 In your new company 57 00:03:00,814 --> 00:03:03,483 Unrestricted access to your private bank account 58 00:03:03,517 --> 00:03:06,920 The deposit in our vaults of your three children as hostages 59 00:03:06,953 --> 00:03:10,257 And a full legal indemnity against any acts of embezzlement 60 00:03:10,290 --> 00:03:13,160 Carried out against you by any members of our staff 61 00:03:13,193 --> 00:03:15,462 During the normal course of their duties. 62 00:03:15,495 --> 00:03:17,864 No, I'm afraid we couldn't accept your dog 63 00:03:17,898 --> 00:03:19,633 Instead of your youngest child. 64 00:03:19,666 --> 00:03:22,536 We would like to suggest a brand-new scheme of ours 65 00:03:22,569 --> 00:03:25,772 Under which 51% of both your dog and your wife pass to us 66 00:03:25,806 --> 00:03:28,642 In the event of your suffering a serious accident. 67 00:03:28,675 --> 00:03:30,210 Fine... no, not at all. 68 00:03:30,243 --> 00:03:32,212 Nice to do business with you. 69 00:03:32,245 --> 00:03:37,951 Uh... miss godfrey, could you send in mr. ford, please? 70 00:03:37,984 --> 00:03:40,087 Now, where's that dictionary? 71 00:03:40,120 --> 00:03:42,889 Ah, yes, here we are... 72 00:03:42,923 --> 00:03:45,192 Inner life. 73 00:03:45,225 --> 00:03:47,294 Inner life. 74 00:03:47,327 --> 00:03:49,963 Come in. 75 00:03:50,297 --> 00:03:52,766 Ah... mr. ford, isn't it? 76 00:03:52,799 --> 00:03:54,000 That's right. 77 00:03:54,034 --> 00:03:55,035 How do you do? 78 00:03:55,068 --> 00:03:56,169 I'm a merchant banker. 79 00:03:56,203 --> 00:03:57,437 How do you do, mr., uh... 80 00:03:57,471 --> 00:03:59,072 I forget my name for the moment 81 00:03:59,106 --> 00:04:00,507 But I am a merchant banker. 82 00:04:00,540 --> 00:04:02,709 Oh, I wondered whether you'd like to contribute 83 00:04:02,743 --> 00:04:05,345 To the orphan's home. 84 00:04:05,379 --> 00:04:08,248 Well, I don't want to show my hand too early, but actually 85 00:04:08,281 --> 00:04:11,118 Here at slater nazi we are quite keen to get into orphans 86 00:04:11,151 --> 00:04:13,186 You know, developing market and all that. 87 00:04:13,220 --> 00:04:15,088 What sort of sum did you have in mind? 88 00:04:15,122 --> 00:04:17,190 Well... uh... you're a rich man. 89 00:04:17,224 --> 00:04:21,762 Yes, I am, yes, yes... very, very rich. 90 00:04:21,795 --> 00:04:23,363 Quite phenomenally wealthy. 91 00:04:23,397 --> 00:04:26,032 Yes, I do... I do own the most startling quantities of cash. 92 00:04:26,066 --> 00:04:27,367 Yes, quite right. 93 00:04:27,401 --> 00:04:29,469 You're rather a smart young lad, aren't you? 94 00:04:29,503 --> 00:04:31,038 We could do with someone like you 95 00:04:31,071 --> 00:04:32,706 To feed the pantomime horse. 96 00:04:32,739 --> 00:04:33,740 Very smart. 97 00:04:33,774 --> 00:04:34,741 Thank you, sir. 98 00:04:34,775 --> 00:04:35,976 Now, you were saying 99 00:04:36,009 --> 00:04:38,578 I'm very, very, very, very, very, very 100 00:04:38,612 --> 00:04:40,080 Very, very, very rich. 101 00:04:40,113 --> 00:04:42,682 So... how about a pound? 102 00:04:42,716 --> 00:04:44,084 A pound... yes, I see. 103 00:04:44,117 --> 00:04:46,386 Now, this loan would be secured by... 104 00:04:46,420 --> 00:04:48,488 It's not... it's not a loan, sir. 105 00:04:48,522 --> 00:04:49,322 What? 106 00:04:49,356 --> 00:04:50,357 It's not a loan. 107 00:04:50,390 --> 00:04:52,292 Ah... 108 00:04:52,325 --> 00:04:56,396 You get one of these, sir. 109 00:04:56,696 --> 00:04:58,965 A bit small for a share certificate, isn't it? 110 00:04:58,999 --> 00:05:00,867 Look, I think I'd better run this over 111 00:05:00,901 --> 00:05:02,202 To our legal department. 112 00:05:02,235 --> 00:05:04,204 If you could possibly pop back on friday... 113 00:05:04,237 --> 00:05:05,305 Do you have to do that? 114 00:05:05,338 --> 00:05:08,341 Couldn't you just give me the pound? 115 00:05:08,375 --> 00:05:10,277 Yes, but you see, I don't know what it's for. 116 00:05:10,310 --> 00:05:12,079 It's for the orphans. 117 00:05:12,112 --> 00:05:13,146 Yes? 118 00:05:13,180 --> 00:05:15,082 It's a gift. 119 00:05:15,115 --> 00:05:16,049 A what? 120 00:05:16,083 --> 00:05:18,652 A gift. 121 00:05:19,119 --> 00:05:20,353 Oh, a gift! 122 00:05:20,387 --> 00:05:21,788 A tax dodge. 123 00:05:21,822 --> 00:05:22,989 No, no, no, no. 124 00:05:23,023 --> 00:05:23,990 No? 125 00:05:24,024 --> 00:05:25,025 Well, I'm awfully sorry. 126 00:05:25,058 --> 00:05:26,193 I don't understand. 127 00:05:26,226 --> 00:05:27,794 Can you just explain exactly what you want? 128 00:05:27,828 --> 00:05:30,230 Well, I want you to give me a pound 129 00:05:30,263 --> 00:05:31,531 And then I go away 130 00:05:31,565 --> 00:05:33,400 And give it to the orphans. 131 00:05:33,433 --> 00:05:35,435 Yes? 132 00:05:35,469 --> 00:05:37,471 Well, that's it. 133 00:05:37,504 --> 00:05:39,606 No, no, no, I don't follow this at all. 134 00:05:39,639 --> 00:05:41,541 I mean, I don't want to seem stupid 135 00:05:41,575 --> 00:05:45,145 But it looks to me as though I'm a pound down on the whole deal. 136 00:05:45,178 --> 00:05:46,880 Yes, you are. 137 00:05:46,913 --> 00:05:48,281 I am. 138 00:05:48,315 --> 00:05:50,384 Well, what is my incentive to give you the pound? 139 00:05:50,417 --> 00:05:53,353 Well, the incentive is to make the orphans happy. 140 00:05:53,387 --> 00:05:55,856 Happy? 141 00:05:56,390 --> 00:05:58,291 You quite sure you've got this right? 142 00:05:58,325 --> 00:06:01,328 Yes, lots of people give me money. 143 00:06:01,361 --> 00:06:02,195 What, just like that? 144 00:06:02,229 --> 00:06:03,130 Yes. 145 00:06:03,163 --> 00:06:05,599 Must be sick. 146 00:06:05,632 --> 00:06:07,401 I don't suppose you could give me 147 00:06:07,434 --> 00:06:11,438 A list of their names and addresses, could you? 148 00:06:11,471 --> 00:06:13,807 No, I just go up to them in the street and ask. 149 00:06:13,840 --> 00:06:16,643 Good lord! 150 00:06:17,077 --> 00:06:19,413 That's the most exciting new idea 151 00:06:19,446 --> 00:06:20,881 I've heard in years! 152 00:06:20,914 --> 00:06:23,016 It's so simple it's brilliant. 153 00:06:23,050 --> 00:06:24,951 Well, if that idea of yours 154 00:06:24,985 --> 00:06:26,353 Isn't worth a pound 155 00:06:26,386 --> 00:06:28,155 I'd like to know what is. 156 00:06:28,188 --> 00:06:29,156 Thank you, sir. 157 00:06:29,189 --> 00:06:30,524 The only trouble is... 158 00:06:30,557 --> 00:06:31,758 You gave me the idea 159 00:06:31,792 --> 00:06:33,627 Before I'd given you the pound. 160 00:06:33,660 --> 00:06:35,462 And that's not good business. 161 00:06:35,495 --> 00:06:36,596 Isn't it? 162 00:06:36,630 --> 00:06:38,331 No, I'm afraid it isn't. 163 00:06:38,365 --> 00:06:41,735 So... off you go. 164 00:06:43,470 --> 00:06:46,273 Nice to do business with you. 165 00:06:46,306 --> 00:06:48,041 Anyway. 166 00:06:48,075 --> 00:06:49,409 And off we go again. 167 00:06:49,443 --> 00:06:51,878 Uh... miss godfrey, could you send in 168 00:06:51,912 --> 00:06:56,216 The pantomime horses, please? 169 00:07:01,988 --> 00:07:05,759 Now, I've asked you... 170 00:07:10,197 --> 00:07:12,399 Now, I've asked you... 171 00:07:12,432 --> 00:07:15,068 Shut up! 172 00:07:16,370 --> 00:07:18,105 Now, I've asked you in here 173 00:07:18,138 --> 00:07:19,506 To see me this morning 174 00:07:19,539 --> 00:07:20,807 Because I'm afraid 175 00:07:20,841 --> 00:07:23,543 We're going to have to let one of you go. 176 00:07:23,577 --> 00:07:26,880 I'm very sorry, but the present rationalization of this firm 177 00:07:26,913 --> 00:07:32,753 Makes it inevitable that we hive one of you off. 178 00:07:34,187 --> 00:07:36,690 Now, you may think that this is very harsh behavior 179 00:07:36,723 --> 00:07:39,226 But let me tell you that our management consultants 180 00:07:39,259 --> 00:07:40,727 Actually queried the necessity 181 00:07:40,761 --> 00:07:44,931 For us to employ a pantomime horse at all. 182 00:07:44,965 --> 00:07:47,634 And so the decision has to be made which one of you is to go. 183 00:07:47,667 --> 00:07:48,902 Champion... 184 00:07:48,935 --> 00:07:54,274 How many years have you been with this firm? 185 00:07:54,307 --> 00:07:56,943 Trigger? 186 00:08:00,714 --> 00:08:02,783 I see... well, it's a difficult decision 187 00:08:02,816 --> 00:08:05,385 But in accordance with our traditional principles 188 00:08:05,419 --> 00:08:07,587 Of free enterprise and healthy competition 189 00:08:07,621 --> 00:08:14,494 I'm going to ask the two of you to fight to the death for it. 190 00:08:16,496 --> 00:08:22,002 No, I'm afraid there's no redundancy scheme. 191 00:08:22,669 --> 00:08:27,441 In the hard and unrelenting world of nature 192 00:08:27,474 --> 00:08:30,577 The ceaseless struggle for survival continues. 193 00:08:30,610 --> 00:08:34,147 This time one of the pantomime horses concedes defeat 194 00:08:34,181 --> 00:08:36,450 And so lives to fight another day. 195 00:08:36,483 --> 00:08:42,355 Here in a colony of sea lions, we see a huge bull sea lion 196 00:08:42,389 --> 00:08:45,225 Seeing off an intruding bull 197 00:08:45,258 --> 00:08:49,429 Who is attempting to intrude on his harem. 198 00:08:49,463 --> 00:08:52,599 This pattern of aggressive behavior 199 00:08:52,632 --> 00:08:55,669 Is typical of these documentaries. 200 00:08:55,702 --> 00:08:57,471 Here we see two limpets 201 00:08:57,504 --> 00:09:01,241 Locked in a life-or-death struggle for territory. 202 00:09:01,274 --> 00:09:04,411 The huge bull limpet, enraged by the rock 203 00:09:04,444 --> 00:09:09,349 Endeavors to encircle its sprightly opponent. 204 00:09:09,383 --> 00:09:12,319 Here we see an ant. 205 00:09:12,352 --> 00:09:17,924 This ant is engaged in a life- or-death struggle with the wolf. 206 00:09:17,958 --> 00:09:23,063 You can see the ant creeping up on the wolf on all sixes. 207 00:09:23,096 --> 00:09:25,298 Now he stops to observe. 208 00:09:25,332 --> 00:09:30,003 Satisfied that the wolf has not heard him, he approaches nearer. 209 00:09:30,037 --> 00:09:32,839 With great skill, he chooses his moment 210 00:09:32,873 --> 00:09:34,841 And then, quick as a limpet 211 00:09:34,875 --> 00:09:39,212 With one mighty bound, buries his fangs in the wolf's neck. 212 00:09:39,246 --> 00:09:41,948 The wolf struggles to no avail. 213 00:09:41,982 --> 00:09:46,620 A battle of this kind can take anything up to 15 years 214 00:09:46,653 --> 00:09:50,524 Because the timber ant has such a tiny mouth. 215 00:09:50,557 --> 00:09:52,125 Here we see heinz sielmann 216 00:09:52,159 --> 00:09:55,328 Engaged in a life-or-death struggle with peter scott. 217 00:09:55,362 --> 00:09:58,598 They are engaged in a bitter punch-up over repeat fees 218 00:09:58,632 --> 00:10:01,735 On the overseas sales of their nature documentaries. 219 00:10:01,768 --> 00:10:05,205 Now they have been joined by an enraged jacques cousteau. 220 00:10:05,238 --> 00:10:07,908 This is typical of the harsh and bitchy world 221 00:10:07,941 --> 00:10:09,342 Of television features. 222 00:10:09,376 --> 00:10:11,078 Here we see a honeybear 223 00:10:11,111 --> 00:10:15,182 Not engaged in a life-or-death struggle about anything. 224 00:10:15,215 --> 00:10:18,085 These honeybears are placid and peaceful creatures 225 00:10:18,118 --> 00:10:21,388 And consequently bad television. 226 00:10:21,421 --> 00:10:23,490 Here we see a pantomime horse. 227 00:10:23,523 --> 00:10:26,359 It is engaged in a life-or-death struggle 228 00:10:26,393 --> 00:10:28,562 For a job with a merchant bank. 229 00:10:28,595 --> 00:10:32,599 However, his rival employee, the huge bull pantomime horse 230 00:10:32,632 --> 00:10:34,401 Is lying in wait for him. 231 00:10:34,434 --> 00:10:36,737 Poor pantomime horse. 232 00:10:36,770 --> 00:10:38,905 Here we see a pantomime goose 233 00:10:38,939 --> 00:10:43,243 Engaged in a life-or-death struggle with terence rattigan. 234 00:10:43,276 --> 00:10:46,780 The enraged goose fires. 235 00:10:46,813 --> 00:10:50,016 Poor terence... 236 00:10:50,250 --> 00:10:53,253 Another victim of this silly film. 237 00:10:53,286 --> 00:10:57,023 Here we see an enraged pantomime princess margaret. 238 00:10:57,057 --> 00:10:59,926 She is lying in wait for her breakfast. 239 00:10:59,960 --> 00:11:04,264 The unsuspecting breakfast glides ever closer to its doom. 240 00:11:04,297 --> 00:11:08,068 The enraged pantomime royal person is poised for the kill. 241 00:11:08,101 --> 00:11:10,237 She raises her harpoon and fires. 242 00:11:10,270 --> 00:11:11,238 Pang! 243 00:11:11,271 --> 00:11:12,773 Right in the toast. 244 00:11:12,806 --> 00:11:15,509 A brief struggle, and all is over. 245 00:11:15,542 --> 00:11:16,777 Poor breakfast. 246 00:11:16,810 --> 00:11:20,414 Another victim of... 247 00:11:32,526 --> 00:11:35,295 Oh, a pantomime phrase caught himself 248 00:11:35,328 --> 00:11:39,499 A nice little dinner, fred. 249 00:11:41,968 --> 00:11:45,405 I think the dining room wants his din-dins, too. 250 00:11:45,439 --> 00:11:49,209 Your turn today, dear. 251 00:12:01,288 --> 00:12:03,090 All right, mr. bedroom. 252 00:12:03,123 --> 00:12:07,360 You'll get your dinner, too. 253 00:12:13,166 --> 00:12:15,802 Postman. 254 00:12:45,766 --> 00:12:47,234 Oh... 255 00:12:47,267 --> 00:12:51,838 Well, the 69's late again today. 256 00:13:21,501 --> 00:13:23,537 Do you hear that, tim? 257 00:13:23,570 --> 00:13:25,105 Yep... could just be 258 00:13:25,138 --> 00:13:29,276 The house we're looking for. 259 00:13:29,309 --> 00:13:33,780 This, then, is the story of two desperate men 260 00:13:33,814 --> 00:13:38,185 Hired by the good people at n.c.p. car parks 261 00:13:38,218 --> 00:13:44,524 To hunt down and destroy houses too dangerous to live. 262 00:13:50,363 --> 00:13:52,466 Well, what do you think? 263 00:13:52,499 --> 00:13:57,270 Oh, these are house droppings, all right. 264 00:13:57,304 --> 00:14:00,507 Okay, let's go. 265 00:14:02,142 --> 00:14:03,610 Pst, over here. 266 00:14:03,643 --> 00:14:05,145 That's the one. 267 00:14:05,178 --> 00:14:06,346 Cover me. 268 00:14:06,380 --> 00:14:10,851 I'm going to make a try for it. 269 00:14:53,860 --> 00:14:57,898 And so, thanks once again to the unceasing efforts 270 00:14:57,931 --> 00:15:01,001 Of the good people at n.c.p. car parks 271 00:15:01,034 --> 00:15:06,406 The world is made just a little bit safer. 272 00:15:42,743 --> 00:15:47,714 "sketch just starting, actor wanted." 273 00:15:49,983 --> 00:15:51,918 G-good morning. 274 00:15:51,952 --> 00:15:52,953 Morning, sir. 275 00:15:52,986 --> 00:15:54,821 I'd like to join the army, please. 276 00:15:54,855 --> 00:15:56,123 I see. 277 00:15:56,156 --> 00:15:58,892 Short service or long service commission, sir? 278 00:15:58,925 --> 00:16:00,360 Uh, long as possible, please. 279 00:16:00,394 --> 00:16:02,863 Right, well, I'll just take a few particulars 280 00:16:02,896 --> 00:16:05,766 And then... 281 00:16:16,710 --> 00:16:19,513 Shove off! 282 00:16:23,617 --> 00:16:25,318 And then there'll be a few forms to sign. 283 00:16:25,352 --> 00:16:26,853 Of course we'll need some references 284 00:16:26,887 --> 00:16:28,755 And then a full medical examination by the... 285 00:16:28,789 --> 00:16:29,756 Yes, I see. 286 00:16:29,790 --> 00:16:31,024 I-i was just wondering 287 00:16:31,058 --> 00:16:32,592 Whether it would be possible 288 00:16:32,626 --> 00:16:33,693 For me to... join... 289 00:16:33,727 --> 00:16:37,097 The women's army. 290 00:16:37,097 --> 00:16:38,965 The women's royal army corps, sir? 291 00:16:38,999 --> 00:16:41,168 Uh, yes, I was just thinking, you know 292 00:16:41,201 --> 00:16:43,670 If it was possible for me to have my choice 293 00:16:43,704 --> 00:16:46,973 I'd prefer to be in the women's royal army corps. 294 00:16:47,007 --> 00:16:49,976 Well, I'm afraid that the people that recruit here 295 00:16:50,010 --> 00:16:52,612 Normally go straight into the scots guards. 296 00:16:52,646 --> 00:16:54,448 Which is all men, I suppose. 297 00:16:54,481 --> 00:16:55,682 Yes, it is. 298 00:16:55,716 --> 00:16:56,817 Yes. 299 00:16:56,850 --> 00:16:58,518 Are there any regiments 300 00:16:58,552 --> 00:17:01,455 Which are more... effeminate than others? 301 00:17:01,488 --> 00:17:02,889 Well, no, sir. 302 00:17:02,923 --> 00:17:06,693 I mean, apart from the marines, they're all dead butch. 303 00:17:06,727 --> 00:17:08,161 See, what I really wanted 304 00:17:08,195 --> 00:17:10,731 Was a regiment where I could be really quiet 305 00:17:10,764 --> 00:17:12,432 And have more time to myself 306 00:17:12,466 --> 00:17:13,633 To work with fabrics 307 00:17:13,667 --> 00:17:16,336 And creating new concepts in interior design. 308 00:17:16,370 --> 00:17:17,471 Working with fabrics 309 00:17:17,504 --> 00:17:19,473 And experimenting with interior design? 310 00:17:19,506 --> 00:17:21,007 Yes. 311 00:17:21,041 --> 00:17:22,976 Oh, well, you want the durham light infantry, then, sir. 312 00:17:23,009 --> 00:17:24,745 Oh. 313 00:17:24,778 --> 00:17:27,647 That's the only regiment that's really doing something new 314 00:17:27,681 --> 00:17:28,915 With interior design-- 315 00:17:28,949 --> 00:17:30,717 With color, texture and line and that. 316 00:17:30,751 --> 00:17:31,718 I see. 317 00:17:31,752 --> 00:17:33,019 Oh, yes-- I mean 318 00:17:33,053 --> 00:17:35,322 Their use of color with fabrics is fantastic. 319 00:17:35,355 --> 00:17:37,391 I saw their pattern book the other day-- 320 00:17:37,424 --> 00:17:38,525 Beautiful, beautiful. 321 00:17:38,558 --> 00:17:39,993 Savage tans... 322 00:17:40,026 --> 00:17:42,929 Great slabs of black, set against aggressive orange. 323 00:17:42,963 --> 00:17:45,031 It really makes you want to shout out 324 00:17:45,065 --> 00:17:47,300 "this is good! this is real!" 325 00:17:47,334 --> 00:17:48,101 Really? 326 00:17:48,135 --> 00:17:49,102 Oh, yes-- I mean 327 00:17:49,136 --> 00:17:50,237 The inniskillin fusiliers 328 00:17:50,270 --> 00:17:51,838 And the anglian regiment are all right 329 00:17:51,872 --> 00:17:53,173 If you're interested 330 00:17:53,206 --> 00:17:55,275 In the art nouveau william morris revival bit 331 00:17:55,308 --> 00:17:57,377 But if you really want a regimental line 332 00:17:57,411 --> 00:17:59,813 That is really saying something about interior decor 333 00:17:59,846 --> 00:18:02,249 Then you've got to go for the durham light infantry. 334 00:18:02,282 --> 00:18:03,417 Oh, I've had enough of this. 335 00:18:03,450 --> 00:18:04,518 I'm handing in my notice. 336 00:18:04,551 --> 00:18:05,652 What do you mean? 337 00:18:05,685 --> 00:18:07,387 Well, I mean, when i applied for this job 338 00:18:07,421 --> 00:18:08,889 I thought I'd get a few decent lines 339 00:18:08,922 --> 00:18:10,490 But you end up doing the whole thing. 340 00:18:10,524 --> 00:18:12,325 I mean, my last five speeches have been 341 00:18:12,359 --> 00:18:14,694 "really", "really", "I see", "I see" and "really". 342 00:18:14,728 --> 00:18:16,463 I wouldn't give those lines to a dog. 343 00:18:16,496 --> 00:18:18,632 All right, all right, all right, sonny. 344 00:18:18,665 --> 00:18:19,633 I'll tell you what. 345 00:18:19,666 --> 00:18:21,034 We'll do something different. 346 00:18:21,068 --> 00:18:23,003 I'll be a bus conductor, and you can be 347 00:18:23,036 --> 00:18:27,741 A really funny passenger on a bus. 348 00:18:28,175 --> 00:18:29,242 Any more fares, please? 349 00:18:29,276 --> 00:18:30,310 I've got a chauffeur 350 00:18:30,343 --> 00:18:32,012 And every time I go to the lavatory 351 00:18:32,045 --> 00:18:33,013 He drives me potty! 352 00:18:33,046 --> 00:18:34,414 Boom-boom! one in a row. 353 00:18:34,448 --> 00:18:36,383 I'm not unusual, I'm just... 354 00:18:36,416 --> 00:18:38,085 Fivepenny, please. 355 00:18:38,118 --> 00:18:40,754 Five beautiful pennies going into the bag 356 00:18:40,787 --> 00:18:42,989 And you are the lucky winner of... 357 00:18:43,023 --> 00:18:44,424 One fivepenny ticket. 358 00:18:44,458 --> 00:18:46,526 What's the welshman doing under the bed? 359 00:18:46,560 --> 00:18:47,561 He's having a leak! 360 00:18:47,594 --> 00:18:50,997 Oh, they're all in here tonight. 361 00:18:51,031 --> 00:18:52,566 Look! 362 00:18:52,599 --> 00:18:54,000 I am looking. 363 00:18:54,034 --> 00:18:56,470 It's the only way I can keep my eyelids apart. 364 00:18:56,503 --> 00:18:58,238 Boom-boom! every one a maserati. 365 00:18:58,271 --> 00:19:01,074 Look, you said I was going to be a funny passenger. 366 00:19:01,108 --> 00:19:02,275 What do you mean? 367 00:19:02,309 --> 00:19:04,211 I mean, all I said was, "fivepenny, please." 368 00:19:04,244 --> 00:19:05,679 You can't call that a funny line. 369 00:19:05,712 --> 00:19:07,080 Well, it's the way you said it. 370 00:19:07,114 --> 00:19:08,148 No, it isn't. 371 00:19:08,181 --> 00:19:10,016 Nobody can say "fivepenny, please" 372 00:19:10,050 --> 00:19:11,051 And make it funny. 373 00:19:11,084 --> 00:19:14,521 Fivepenny, please. 374 00:19:25,065 --> 00:19:27,701 Morning. 375 00:19:39,746 --> 00:19:44,151 Not so warm today, eh, george? 376 00:19:53,827 --> 00:19:54,795 Good morning. 377 00:19:54,828 --> 00:19:55,796 Good morning. 378 00:19:55,829 --> 00:19:56,863 Good morning. 379 00:19:56,897 --> 00:19:59,933 Good morning. 380 00:20:06,573 --> 00:20:10,177 Come in, mr. horton. 381 00:20:10,410 --> 00:20:13,447 Morning, sir. 382 00:20:16,149 --> 00:20:17,651 Do, uh... 383 00:20:17,684 --> 00:20:19,019 Do sit down. 384 00:20:19,052 --> 00:20:22,255 Thank you, sir. 385 00:20:24,424 --> 00:20:25,492 Now, then, horton. 386 00:20:25,525 --> 00:20:27,094 You've been with us for 20 years 387 00:20:27,127 --> 00:20:29,096 And your work in the accounts department 388 00:20:29,129 --> 00:20:30,163 Has been immaculate. 389 00:20:30,197 --> 00:20:32,232 No, no-- please don't say anything. 390 00:20:32,265 --> 00:20:35,836 As I say, your work has been beyond reproach. 391 00:20:35,869 --> 00:20:37,104 But unfortunately 392 00:20:37,137 --> 00:20:40,040 The effect you are having on your colleagues 393 00:20:40,073 --> 00:20:42,275 Has undermined the competence... 394 00:20:42,309 --> 00:20:45,345 Has undermined the competence of this firm to such a point 395 00:20:45,379 --> 00:20:48,281 That I'm afraid I've got no option... 396 00:20:48,315 --> 00:20:50,917 But to sack you. 397 00:20:50,951 --> 00:20:53,320 I'm sorry to hear that, sir. 398 00:20:53,353 --> 00:20:56,723 It couldn't have come at a worse time. 399 00:20:56,757 --> 00:20:59,226 There's school fees for the two boys coming up 400 00:20:59,259 --> 00:21:01,795 And the wife's treatment costing more now, sir. 401 00:21:01,828 --> 00:21:04,698 I don't know where the money's coming from as it is. 402 00:21:04,731 --> 00:21:07,067 And now I don't see any future. 403 00:21:07,100 --> 00:21:09,703 I'd been hoping I might be able to hang on here 404 00:21:09,736 --> 00:21:11,571 Just for the last couple of years 405 00:21:11,605 --> 00:21:12,906 But now... i... 406 00:21:12,939 --> 00:21:17,911 I just want to go out and end it all. 407 00:21:18,245 --> 00:21:20,447 Thank you, thank you, thank you. 408 00:21:20,480 --> 00:21:21,915 And now for the fish-- 409 00:21:21,948 --> 00:21:26,119 The fish down the trousers. 410 00:21:26,353 --> 00:21:28,288 It's your laugh, mate, it's not mine. 411 00:21:28,321 --> 00:21:31,058 It's your trousers, not my trousers-- your trousers. 412 00:21:31,091 --> 00:21:32,826 And now for the whitewash. 413 00:21:32,859 --> 00:21:35,662 The whitewash over you... 414 00:21:35,695 --> 00:21:37,264 Not over me, it's over you. 415 00:21:37,297 --> 00:21:38,632 You get the laughs. 416 00:21:38,665 --> 00:21:40,233 You get all the laughs. 417 00:21:40,267 --> 00:21:44,204 And now for the custard pie in the mush. 418 00:21:44,237 --> 00:21:45,906 It's not my mush, it's your mush. 419 00:21:45,939 --> 00:21:47,007 It's your laugh-- 420 00:21:47,040 --> 00:21:48,942 It's your laugh, mate, it's not mine. 421 00:21:48,975 --> 00:21:52,979 It's your bleeding laugh. 422 00:22:03,557 --> 00:22:04,825 Good evening. 423 00:22:04,858 --> 00:22:06,326 Well, tonight we're going to talk about... 424 00:22:06,359 --> 00:22:07,794 Well, that is, I'm going to talk about... 425 00:22:07,828 --> 00:22:09,262 Well, actually, I'm talking about it now. 426 00:22:09,296 --> 00:22:11,765 Well, I'm not talking about it now, but I am talking. 427 00:22:11,798 --> 00:22:13,266 I know I'm pausing occasionally 428 00:22:13,300 --> 00:22:14,835 And not talking during the pauses 429 00:22:14,868 --> 00:22:17,504 But the pauses are part of the whole process of talking. 430 00:22:17,537 --> 00:22:19,439 When one talks, one has to pause. 431 00:22:19,473 --> 00:22:20,540 Uh... like then. 432 00:22:20,574 --> 00:22:22,209 I paused, but I was still talking. 433 00:22:22,242 --> 00:22:23,410 And again there! 434 00:22:23,443 --> 00:22:25,312 The real point of what I'm saying is 435 00:22:25,345 --> 00:22:27,247 That when I appear not to be talking 436 00:22:27,280 --> 00:22:30,384 Don't go nipping out to the kitchen, putting the kettle on 437 00:22:30,417 --> 00:22:31,618 Buttering scones 438 00:22:31,651 --> 00:22:33,387 Or getting crumbs and bits of food 439 00:22:33,420 --> 00:22:35,322 Out of those round, brown straw mats 440 00:22:35,355 --> 00:22:37,124 That the teapot goes on, you know. 441 00:22:37,157 --> 00:22:40,093 Because in all probability, I'm still talking 442 00:22:40,127 --> 00:22:42,195 And what you heard was a pause. 443 00:22:42,229 --> 00:22:43,964 Like there again. 444 00:22:43,997 --> 00:22:45,766 Look, to make it absolutely easier 445 00:22:45,799 --> 00:22:47,334 So there's no problem at all 446 00:22:47,367 --> 00:22:50,604 What I'll do is I'll give you some kind of sign, like this... 447 00:22:50,637 --> 00:22:53,640 When I'm still talking and only pausing in between words. 448 00:22:53,673 --> 00:22:57,177 And when I'm finished altogether I'll do this, all right? 449 00:22:57,210 --> 00:22:58,178 No, no, sorry! 450 00:22:58,211 --> 00:22:59,413 No, no. 451 00:22:59,446 --> 00:23:01,114 Sorry, just demonstrating. 452 00:23:01,148 --> 00:23:02,249 Haven't finished. 453 00:23:02,282 --> 00:23:03,850 Haven't started yet. 454 00:23:03,884 --> 00:23:05,285 Oh, dear. 455 00:23:05,318 --> 00:23:06,686 Nearly forgot the gesture. 456 00:23:06,720 --> 00:23:09,256 Hope none of you are nipping out into the kitchen 457 00:23:09,289 --> 00:23:11,992 Getting bits of food out of those round, brown mats 458 00:23:12,025 --> 00:23:14,561 Which the... 459 00:23:14,594 --> 00:23:16,263 Good evening. 460 00:23:16,296 --> 00:23:17,931 Tonight, I want to talk about... 461 00:23:17,964 --> 00:23:20,701 We interrupt this program to annoy you 462 00:23:20,734 --> 00:23:23,336 And make things generally irritating for you. 463 00:23:23,370 --> 00:23:27,407 ...with a large piece of wet paper. 464 00:23:27,441 --> 00:23:29,409 Turn the paper over... 465 00:23:29,443 --> 00:23:32,646 Turn the paper over, keeping your eye on the camel 466 00:23:32,679 --> 00:23:35,549 And paste down the edge of the sailor's uniform 467 00:23:35,582 --> 00:23:41,154 Until the word "maudling" is almost totally obscured. 468 00:23:41,188 --> 00:23:44,257 Well, that's one way of doing it. 469 00:23:44,291 --> 00:23:45,492 Good evening. 470 00:23:45,525 --> 00:23:46,827 We interrupt this program again 471 00:23:46,860 --> 00:23:48,395 "a, " to irritate you 472 00:23:48,428 --> 00:23:50,897 And "b, " to provide work for one of our announcers. 473 00:23:50,931 --> 00:23:52,632 Good evening. 474 00:23:52,666 --> 00:23:56,069 I'm the announcer who's just been given this job by the bbc 475 00:23:56,103 --> 00:23:59,139 And I'd just like to say how grateful I am to the bbc 476 00:23:59,172 --> 00:24:00,674 For providing me with work 477 00:24:00,707 --> 00:24:02,609 Particularly at this time of year 478 00:24:02,642 --> 00:24:05,245 When things are a bit thin for us announcers. 479 00:24:05,278 --> 00:24:07,180 Um... 480 00:24:07,214 --> 00:24:11,418 I don't know whether I should tell you this, but... 481 00:24:11,451 --> 00:24:16,490 Well, I have been going through a rather tough time recently. 482 00:24:16,523 --> 00:24:18,792 Things have been pretty awful at home. 483 00:24:18,825 --> 00:24:23,029 My wife, josephine-- "joe-jums"as I call her-- 484 00:24:23,063 --> 00:24:24,664 Who's also an announcer... 485 00:24:24,698 --> 00:24:26,299 Hello. 486 00:24:26,333 --> 00:24:28,668 Uh, has not been able to announce 487 00:24:28,702 --> 00:24:32,539 Since our youngest, clifford, was born, and... 488 00:24:32,572 --> 00:24:34,408 Well, I've just got no confidence left. 489 00:24:34,441 --> 00:24:36,443 I mean... I can't get up in the morning. 490 00:24:36,476 --> 00:24:38,412 I feel there's nothing worth living for. 491 00:24:38,445 --> 00:24:40,213 Hello, I'm another announcer. 492 00:24:40,247 --> 00:24:41,481 My name is dick. 493 00:24:41,515 --> 00:24:43,116 Joe-jums just rang me 494 00:24:43,150 --> 00:24:45,485 And said jack was having a bad time with this announcement 495 00:24:45,519 --> 00:24:47,020 So I've just come to give him a hand. 496 00:24:47,054 --> 00:24:48,155 How is he, joe-jums? 497 00:24:48,188 --> 00:24:49,656 Pretty bad, dick. 498 00:24:49,689 --> 00:24:50,991 Jack, it's dick. 499 00:24:51,024 --> 00:24:53,193 Do you want me to make the announcement? 500 00:24:53,226 --> 00:24:55,062 No. 501 00:24:55,095 --> 00:24:58,932 No, dick, I must do it myself. 502 00:24:58,965 --> 00:25:00,801 It's my last chance with the bbc. 503 00:25:00,834 --> 00:25:02,069 I can't throw it away. 504 00:25:02,102 --> 00:25:03,937 I've got to do it 505 00:25:03,970 --> 00:25:07,674 For joe-jums, for the kids... 506 00:25:07,708 --> 00:25:09,176 I've got to go through with it. 507 00:25:09,209 --> 00:25:10,610 Good man. 508 00:25:10,644 --> 00:25:12,713 Now, remember your announcer's training-- 509 00:25:12,746 --> 00:25:18,218 Deep breaths, and try not to think about what you're saying. 510 00:25:18,251 --> 00:25:20,120 Good evening. 511 00:25:20,153 --> 00:25:21,521 This is bbc 1. 512 00:25:21,555 --> 00:25:23,724 Good luck, jack. 513 00:25:23,757 --> 00:25:25,325 Keep going, old boy. 514 00:25:25,358 --> 00:25:26,960 It's 9:00 515 00:25:26,993 --> 00:25:29,029 And time for the news 516 00:25:29,062 --> 00:25:32,833 Read by richard baker. 517 00:25:32,999 --> 00:25:34,167 You've done it! 518 00:25:34,201 --> 00:25:35,435 Congratulations, old man! 519 00:25:35,469 --> 00:25:36,503 Was it okay? 520 00:25:36,536 --> 00:25:37,704 Absolutely top-o! 521 00:25:37,738 --> 00:25:39,272 Absolutely marvelous. 522 00:25:39,306 --> 00:25:40,273 You know you were! 523 00:25:40,307 --> 00:25:41,575 Fantastic, darling! 524 00:25:41,608 --> 00:25:44,644 You were brilliant, really. 525 00:25:44,678 --> 00:25:48,982 It's so marvelous to have you here. 526 00:25:49,015 --> 00:25:53,320 For god's sake, drink this... 527 00:25:56,556 --> 00:25:57,958 You were rock solid. 528 00:25:57,991 --> 00:26:01,361 Thanks very much. 529 00:26:20,247 --> 00:26:23,050 I can't tell you how much that means. 530 00:26:23,083 --> 00:26:27,554 I think it's a turning point... 531 00:26:32,092 --> 00:26:33,160 Hello, reggie. 532 00:26:33,193 --> 00:26:34,161 What? 533 00:26:34,194 --> 00:26:35,462 Is that gordon? 534 00:26:35,495 --> 00:26:39,266 Yes-- hang on, reggie. 535 00:26:39,933 --> 00:26:45,038 ...until the name maudling is almost totally obscured. 536 00:26:45,072 --> 00:26:47,708 That is the ned of the nicloe-nock wens. 537 00:26:47,741 --> 00:26:53,113 And now it's time for the late-night flim. 538 00:27:31,585 --> 00:27:33,620 Oh! 539 00:27:33,653 --> 00:27:37,991 Oh, pantomime horse, that was... wonderful! 540 00:27:38,024 --> 00:27:39,926 Would you like another glass? 541 00:27:39,960 --> 00:27:41,495 Oh, no, no, I mustn't. 542 00:27:41,528 --> 00:27:44,264 It makes me throw up. 543 00:27:44,297 --> 00:27:47,000 Oh, I'm so bleeding happy. 544 00:27:47,034 --> 00:27:48,535 Oh, simone. 545 00:27:48,568 --> 00:27:51,338 Oh, pantomime horse. 546 00:27:51,371 --> 00:27:53,940 Then... 547 00:28:34,781 --> 00:28:36,183 And now the english pantomime horse 548 00:28:36,216 --> 00:28:38,618 Has very nearly caught up with the russian pantomime horse. 549 00:28:38,652 --> 00:28:40,520 I think he's going to take him any moment now. 550 00:28:40,554 --> 00:28:42,022 But what is this? what is this? 551 00:28:42,055 --> 00:28:44,024 Yes, it's the pantomime princess margaret 552 00:28:44,057 --> 00:28:45,459 And the pantomime goose 553 00:28:45,492 --> 00:28:47,627 And they're attacking the english pantomime horse 554 00:28:47,661 --> 00:28:49,763 And the russian pantomime horse has got away 555 00:28:49,796 --> 00:28:50,764 But who is this? 556 00:28:50,797 --> 00:28:51,965 My goodness me! 557 00:28:51,998 --> 00:28:56,870 It's the duke of kent to the rescue. 558 00:29:12,018 --> 00:29:14,154 Here you see 559 00:29:14,187 --> 00:29:15,555 Some english comic actors 560 00:29:15,589 --> 00:29:17,424 Engaged in a life-or-death struggle 561 00:29:17,457 --> 00:29:18,859 With a rather weak ending. 562 00:29:18,892 --> 00:29:21,395 This is typical of the zany, madcap world 563 00:29:21,428 --> 00:29:23,597 Of the irresistible, kooky funsters. 564 00:29:23,630 --> 00:29:25,665 The english pantomime horse wins 565 00:29:25,699 --> 00:29:28,402 And so is assured of a place in british history 566 00:29:28,435 --> 00:29:31,972 And a steady job in a merchant bank. 567 00:29:32,005 --> 00:29:34,908 Unfortunately, before his pension rights are assured 568 00:29:34,941 --> 00:29:36,643 He catches bronchitis and dies 569 00:29:36,676 --> 00:29:43,250 Another victim of the need to finish these shows on time.