1 00:00:07,641 --> 00:00:08,676 And now... 2 00:00:08,709 --> 00:00:11,278 It's... 3 00:00:14,582 --> 00:00:19,053 Monty python's flying circuses. 4 00:00:43,310 --> 00:00:44,879 Good evening 5 00:00:44,912 --> 00:00:47,615 And welcome to the arthur ludlow memorial baths, newport 6 00:00:47,648 --> 00:00:49,149 For this year's finals 7 00:00:49,183 --> 00:00:51,552 Of the all-england summarize proust competition. 8 00:00:51,585 --> 00:00:54,088 As you may remember, each contestant has to give 9 00:00:54,121 --> 00:00:57,324 A brief summary of proust's a la recherche du temps perdu 10 00:00:57,358 --> 00:01:01,729 Once in a swimsuit and once in evening dress. 11 00:01:01,762 --> 00:01:03,564 The field has now narrowed to three finalists 12 00:01:03,597 --> 00:01:05,032 And your judges tonight are 13 00:01:05,065 --> 00:01:08,102 Alec and eric bedser, ex-surrey cricketers; 14 00:01:08,135 --> 00:01:10,738 Stewart surridge, ex-captain of surrey; 15 00:01:10,771 --> 00:01:15,142 Omar sharif;laurie fishlock, ex-surrey opening batsman; 16 00:01:15,175 --> 00:01:17,978 Peter may, the former surrey and england captain; 17 00:01:18,012 --> 00:01:20,581 And yehudi menuhin, the world-famous violinist 18 00:01:20,614 --> 00:01:23,651 And the president of the surrey cricket club. 19 00:01:23,684 --> 00:01:26,654 And right now it's time to meet your host for tonight 20 00:01:26,687 --> 00:01:29,523 Arthur mee! 21 00:01:29,557 --> 00:01:31,292 Good evening and welcome. 22 00:01:31,325 --> 00:01:34,261 Whereas proust would say, "le malade imaginaire 23 00:01:34,295 --> 00:01:36,864 "de recondition et de toute surveillance 24 00:01:36,897 --> 00:01:38,666 Est bientot la meme chose. " 25 00:01:38,699 --> 00:01:41,468 Remember, each contestant this evening 26 00:01:41,502 --> 00:01:44,772 Has a maximum of 15 seconds to summarize 27 00:01:44,805 --> 00:01:46,774 A la recherche du temps perdu 28 00:01:46,807 --> 00:01:48,876 And on the proustometer here 29 00:01:48,909 --> 00:01:51,779 You can see exactly how far he gets. 30 00:01:51,812 --> 00:01:55,015 So let's crack straight on with our first contestant tonight. 31 00:01:55,049 --> 00:02:01,021 He's last year's semifinalist, from luton, mr. harry bagot. 32 00:02:01,055 --> 00:02:02,056 Hello, harry. 33 00:02:02,089 --> 00:02:04,024 Now, there's the summarizing spot. 34 00:02:04,058 --> 00:02:06,260 You're on the summarizing spot. 35 00:02:06,293 --> 00:02:08,862 15 seconds from... now! 36 00:02:08,896 --> 00:02:10,831 Proust's novel ostensibly tells 37 00:02:10,864 --> 00:02:12,700 Of the irrevocability of time lost 38 00:02:12,733 --> 00:02:15,302 The forfeiture of innocence through experience 39 00:02:15,336 --> 00:02:18,472 The reinstallment of extratemporal values of time regained. 40 00:02:18,505 --> 00:02:20,474 Ultimately the novel is both optimistic 41 00:02:20,507 --> 00:02:23,611 And set within the context of a humane religious experience 42 00:02:23,644 --> 00:02:26,247 Restating as it does the concept of intemporality. 43 00:02:26,280 --> 00:02:30,084 In the first volume, swann, the family friend, visits... 44 00:02:30,117 --> 00:02:31,252 Well tried, harry. 45 00:02:31,285 --> 00:02:32,887 A good attempt there 46 00:02:32,920 --> 00:02:35,356 But unfortunately he chose a general appraisal of the work 47 00:02:35,389 --> 00:02:37,524 Before getting on to the story, and as you can see 48 00:02:37,558 --> 00:02:38,926 He only got as far as page one of swann's way 49 00:02:38,959 --> 00:02:40,861 The first of the seven volumes. 50 00:02:40,895 --> 00:02:43,464 A good try, though, and very nice posture. 51 00:02:43,497 --> 00:02:45,733 Harry bagot, you're from luton? 52 00:02:45,766 --> 00:02:46,901 Yes, arthur, yeah. 53 00:02:46,934 --> 00:02:48,702 Now, harry, what made you first want to try 54 00:02:48,736 --> 00:02:50,404 And start summarizing proust? 55 00:02:50,437 --> 00:02:51,539 Well, I first entered 56 00:02:51,572 --> 00:02:53,541 A seaside summarizing proust competition 57 00:02:53,574 --> 00:02:55,276 When I was on holiday in bournemouth 58 00:02:55,309 --> 00:02:57,511 And my doctor encouraged me with it. 59 00:02:57,545 --> 00:03:01,181 And, harry, what are your hobbies outside summarizing? 60 00:03:01,215 --> 00:03:04,618 Well, there's golf, and strangling animals. 61 00:03:04,652 --> 00:03:07,254 Well, there he goes-- harry bagot. 62 00:03:07,288 --> 00:03:09,523 He must have let himself down a bit on the hobbies. 63 00:03:09,557 --> 00:03:11,358 Golf's not very popular around here. 64 00:03:11,392 --> 00:03:13,827 But never mind, a good try. 65 00:03:13,861 --> 00:03:17,264 Ladies and gentlemen, mr. rutherford, from leicester. 66 00:03:17,298 --> 00:03:18,499 Are you ready, ronald? 67 00:03:18,532 --> 00:03:19,333 Yeah, yeah. 68 00:03:19,366 --> 00:03:20,668 Right, at your summarizing spot. 69 00:03:20,701 --> 00:03:23,904 You have got 15 seconds from... now! 70 00:03:23,938 --> 00:03:26,040 Er... ooh! 71 00:03:26,073 --> 00:03:27,575 Er, oh, swann, swann! 72 00:03:27,608 --> 00:03:29,043 Er, swann. 73 00:03:29,076 --> 00:03:31,979 There's this house... there's this house, er, and... 74 00:03:32,012 --> 00:03:33,147 It's in the morning, it's in the morning. 75 00:03:33,180 --> 00:03:34,748 No, no, no, it's in the evening... 76 00:03:34,782 --> 00:03:36,217 In the evening, and then there's a garden 77 00:03:36,250 --> 00:03:37,751 Uh... and, er, this bloke comes in... 78 00:03:37,785 --> 00:03:38,852 Bloke comes in. 79 00:03:38,886 --> 00:03:40,054 What's his name? what's his name? 80 00:03:40,087 --> 00:03:41,855 Oh, god, just said it, just said it. 81 00:03:41,889 --> 00:03:44,692 Uh, big bloke-- swann! swann! 82 00:03:44,725 --> 00:03:45,693 Oh, out of time. 83 00:03:45,726 --> 00:03:49,496 I'm sorry, we're out of time. 84 00:03:49,530 --> 00:03:51,465 And now, ladies and gentlemen, I'd like you to welcome 85 00:03:51,498 --> 00:03:54,301 The last of our all-england finalists this evening 86 00:03:54,335 --> 00:03:57,171 From bingley, the bolton choral society 87 00:03:57,204 --> 00:03:59,607 And their leader, superintendent mcgough. 88 00:03:59,640 --> 00:04:00,741 All right, bingley. 89 00:04:00,774 --> 00:04:02,610 Remember, you've got 15 seconds 90 00:04:02,643 --> 00:04:04,712 To summarize proust in their entirety 91 00:04:04,745 --> 00:04:07,047 Starting from... now! 92 00:04:07,081 --> 00:04:08,249 Proust, in his first book 93 00:04:08,282 --> 00:04:09,583 Wrote about, wrote about, fa, la, la... 94 00:04:09,617 --> 00:04:10,584 Proust, in his first book, wrote about... 95 00:04:10,618 --> 00:04:11,752 He wrote about... 96 00:04:11,785 --> 00:04:12,853 Proust, in his first book 97 00:04:12,887 --> 00:04:13,921 Wrote about the... 98 00:04:13,954 --> 00:04:15,089 He wrote about, he wrote about 99 00:04:15,122 --> 00:04:16,257 He wrote about, he wrote about 100 00:04:16,290 --> 00:04:17,424 He wrote about, he wrote about 101 00:04:17,458 --> 00:04:18,759 Proust, in his first book 102 00:04:18,792 --> 00:04:23,264 In his first book, wrote about the... 103 00:04:23,297 --> 00:04:24,798 Very ambitious try there 104 00:04:24,832 --> 00:04:27,134 But in fact the least successful of the evening. 105 00:04:27,167 --> 00:04:29,470 They didn't even get as far as the first volume. 106 00:04:29,503 --> 00:04:32,273 Well, ladies and gentlemen 107 00:04:32,306 --> 00:04:35,576 I don't think any of our contestants this evening 108 00:04:35,609 --> 00:04:37,444 Have succeeded in encapsulating 109 00:04:37,478 --> 00:04:40,214 The intricacies of proust's masterwork. 110 00:04:40,247 --> 00:04:43,317 So I'm going to award the first prize this evening 111 00:04:43,350 --> 00:04:48,055 To the girl with the biggest tits. 112 00:05:22,756 --> 00:05:24,558 Mount everest-- 113 00:05:24,592 --> 00:05:27,795 Forbidding, aloof, terrifying. 114 00:05:27,828 --> 00:05:31,932 The mountain with the biggest tits in the world. 115 00:05:31,966 --> 00:05:34,935 Start again! 116 00:05:37,872 --> 00:05:39,473 Mount everest-- 117 00:05:39,506 --> 00:05:43,010 Forbidding, aloof, terrifying. 118 00:05:43,043 --> 00:05:45,112 This year, this remote himalayan mountain 119 00:05:45,145 --> 00:05:46,580 This mystical temple 120 00:05:46,614 --> 00:05:49,350 Surrounded by the most difficult terrain in the world 121 00:05:49,383 --> 00:05:52,386 Repulsed yet another attempt to conquer it 122 00:05:52,419 --> 00:05:56,490 This time by the international hairdressers' expedition. 123 00:05:56,523 --> 00:05:57,925 In such freezing adverse conditions 124 00:05:57,958 --> 00:05:59,994 Man comes very close to breaking point. 125 00:06:00,027 --> 00:06:01,762 What was the real cause of the disharmony 126 00:06:01,795 --> 00:06:03,964 Which destroyed their chances of success? 127 00:06:03,998 --> 00:06:06,133 Well, people would keep taking your hairdryer 128 00:06:06,166 --> 00:06:07,468 And never returning it. 129 00:06:07,501 --> 00:06:09,870 There was a lot of bitching in the tents. 130 00:06:09,904 --> 00:06:13,073 You couldn't get near the mirror. 131 00:06:13,107 --> 00:06:14,742 The leader of the expedition was 132 00:06:14,775 --> 00:06:16,677 Colonel sir john "teasy weasy" butler 133 00:06:16,710 --> 00:06:20,347 Veteran of k2, annapurna and vidals. 134 00:06:20,381 --> 00:06:23,317 His plan was to ignore the usual route round the south col 135 00:06:23,350 --> 00:06:25,252 And to make straight for the top. 136 00:06:25,286 --> 00:06:28,489 Well, we established base salon here 137 00:06:28,522 --> 00:06:32,159 And climbed quite steadily up to mario's, here. 138 00:06:32,192 --> 00:06:35,329 From here, using crampons and cutting ice steps as we went 139 00:06:35,362 --> 00:06:38,299 We moved steadily up the lhotse face to the north ridge 140 00:06:38,332 --> 00:06:39,833 Establishing camp iii 141 00:06:39,867 --> 00:06:42,970 Where we could get a hot meal, a manicure and a shampoo and set. 142 00:06:43,003 --> 00:06:45,105 Could it work? 143 00:06:45,139 --> 00:06:47,474 Could this 18-year-old hairdresser from brixton 144 00:06:47,508 --> 00:06:49,677 Succeed where others had failed? 145 00:06:49,710 --> 00:06:51,045 The situation was complicated 146 00:06:51,078 --> 00:06:53,847 By the imminent arrival of the monsoon storms. 147 00:06:53,881 --> 00:06:55,382 Patrice takes up the story. 148 00:06:55,416 --> 00:06:58,886 Well, we knew as well as anyone that the monsoons were due 149 00:06:58,919 --> 00:07:00,154 But the thing was 150 00:07:00,187 --> 00:07:02,623 Ricky and I had just had a blow-dry and rinse 151 00:07:02,656 --> 00:07:04,658 And we couldn't go out for a couple of days. 152 00:07:04,692 --> 00:07:06,060 After a blazing row 153 00:07:06,093 --> 00:07:08,362 The germans and the italians had turned back 154 00:07:08,395 --> 00:07:10,064 Taking with them the last of the hairnets. 155 00:07:10,097 --> 00:07:12,833 On the third day, a blizzard blew up. 156 00:07:12,866 --> 00:07:15,102 Temperatures fell to minus 30 centigrade. 157 00:07:15,135 --> 00:07:18,138 Inside the little tent, things were getting desperate. 158 00:07:18,172 --> 00:07:19,607 Well, things have got so bad 159 00:07:19,640 --> 00:07:20,941 That we've been forced to use 160 00:07:20,975 --> 00:07:22,743 The last of the heavy oxygen equipment 161 00:07:22,776 --> 00:07:24,645 Just to keep the dryers going. 162 00:07:24,678 --> 00:07:25,679 Cup of milo, love. 163 00:07:25,713 --> 00:07:28,549 Oh, she's a treas. 164 00:07:28,582 --> 00:07:31,585 But a new factor had entered the race. 165 00:07:31,619 --> 00:07:33,053 A team of french chiropodists 166 00:07:33,087 --> 00:07:34,455 Working with brand-new corn plasters 167 00:07:34,488 --> 00:07:36,090 And dr. scholl's mountaineering sandals 168 00:07:36,123 --> 00:07:37,591 Were covering ground fast. 169 00:07:37,625 --> 00:07:40,261 The glasgow orpheus male voice choir were tackling 170 00:07:40,294 --> 00:07:41,729 The difficult north col. 171 00:07:41,762 --> 00:07:45,399 Altogether 14 expeditions were at his heels. 172 00:07:45,432 --> 00:07:46,433 This was it. 173 00:07:46,467 --> 00:07:48,469 Rick had to make a decision. 174 00:07:48,502 --> 00:07:51,272 Well, he decided to open a salon. 175 00:07:51,305 --> 00:07:54,742 It was a tremendous success. 176 00:07:54,775 --> 00:07:56,510 Challenging everest? 177 00:07:56,544 --> 00:07:58,679 Why not drop in at ricky pule's-- 178 00:07:58,712 --> 00:08:01,715 Only 24,000 feet from this cinema. 179 00:08:01,749 --> 00:08:04,285 Ricky and maurice offer a variety of styles 180 00:08:04,318 --> 00:08:07,588 For the well-groomed climber. 181 00:08:07,621 --> 00:08:10,257 Like sherpa tenzing and sir edmund hillary 182 00:08:10,291 --> 00:08:16,363 Be number one on top when you're number one on top. 183 00:08:17,031 --> 00:08:20,234 This cinema is proud to present 184 00:08:20,267 --> 00:08:24,738 20th-century frog's production: 185 00:08:30,444 --> 00:08:33,247 Oh, james! 186 00:08:33,914 --> 00:08:36,951 Oh, beatrice! 187 00:08:37,985 --> 00:08:40,955 Oh... james! 188 00:08:41,522 --> 00:08:45,025 Oh... oh, beatrice! 189 00:08:45,726 --> 00:08:47,962 Oh... oh, james 190 00:08:47,995 --> 00:08:51,432 I could make such a fool of myself over you. 191 00:08:51,465 --> 00:08:55,202 Oh, beatrice, do... do! 192 00:08:55,236 --> 00:08:58,839 Oh, yes, james, yes! 193 00:09:04,879 --> 00:09:07,681 Oh, james! 194 00:09:09,617 --> 00:09:12,286 Beatrice! 195 00:09:12,319 --> 00:09:15,289 Oh... james! 196 00:09:17,124 --> 00:09:19,860 Beatrice! 197 00:09:19,860 --> 00:09:26,033 Oh... james, I could make such a fool of myself over you. 198 00:09:26,066 --> 00:09:29,904 Oh, beatrice, do... do! 199 00:09:30,437 --> 00:09:34,041 Oh, yes, james, yes! 200 00:09:41,882 --> 00:09:44,852 Oh... james! 201 00:09:45,653 --> 00:09:48,856 Oh... beatrice! 202 00:09:50,090 --> 00:09:53,060 Oh... james! 203 00:09:55,930 --> 00:09:57,898 Oh... beatrice! 204 00:09:57,932 --> 00:09:58,899 Oh, james... 205 00:09:58,933 --> 00:10:00,067 Oh, shut up! 206 00:10:00,100 --> 00:10:02,136 Hello, is that the fire brigade? 207 00:10:02,169 --> 00:10:04,672 No, sorry, wrong number. 208 00:10:04,705 --> 00:10:08,209 That phone's not stopped ringing all day. 209 00:10:08,242 --> 00:10:09,910 What happens when you've mixed the batter? 210 00:10:09,944 --> 00:10:11,545 Do you dice the ham with the coriander? 211 00:10:11,579 --> 00:10:12,913 No, no, you put them in separately 212 00:10:12,947 --> 00:10:15,482 When the vine leaves are ready. 213 00:10:15,516 --> 00:10:16,517 Oh, no, not again. 214 00:10:16,550 --> 00:10:20,221 Take it off the hook. 215 00:10:21,422 --> 00:10:23,824 I can't get the fire brigade, mervyn. 216 00:10:23,857 --> 00:10:26,493 Here, let me try, dear. 217 00:10:26,527 --> 00:10:28,095 You go and play the cello. 218 00:10:28,128 --> 00:10:29,763 Oh, it doesn't do any good, dear. 219 00:10:29,797 --> 00:10:32,933 Look, do you want that little hamster to live or not? 220 00:10:32,967 --> 00:10:34,068 Yes, I do, mervyn. 221 00:10:34,101 --> 00:10:38,339 Well, go and play the cello! 222 00:10:39,073 --> 00:10:40,674 Hello? 223 00:10:40,708 --> 00:10:42,643 Hello, operator? 224 00:10:42,676 --> 00:10:46,847 Yes, we're trying to get the fire brigade. 225 00:10:46,881 --> 00:10:50,251 No, the fire brigade. 226 00:10:50,284 --> 00:10:52,119 Yes... yes... 227 00:10:52,152 --> 00:10:55,756 Yes... yes... yes... 228 00:10:56,023 --> 00:10:59,627 Yes... yes... yes... 229 00:10:59,860 --> 00:11:03,364 Yes... yes... what? 230 00:11:10,571 --> 00:11:12,706 Size eight. 231 00:11:12,740 --> 00:11:16,343 Yes... yes... yes... 232 00:11:16,510 --> 00:11:20,114 Yes... yes... yes... 233 00:11:20,548 --> 00:11:22,249 No, of course not. 234 00:11:22,283 --> 00:11:23,417 Yes... 235 00:11:23,450 --> 00:11:25,786 He's gone, dear. 236 00:11:25,819 --> 00:11:26,787 What? 237 00:11:26,820 --> 00:11:29,990 He's slipped away. 238 00:11:30,024 --> 00:11:31,091 What? 239 00:11:31,125 --> 00:11:32,960 The sodding hamster's dead! 240 00:11:32,993 --> 00:11:35,563 Oh, no! 241 00:11:35,596 --> 00:11:36,897 What were you playing? 242 00:11:36,931 --> 00:11:39,333 Some mozart concertos, dear. 243 00:11:39,366 --> 00:11:41,001 What...? how did he...? 244 00:11:41,035 --> 00:11:42,836 His eyes just closed 245 00:11:42,870 --> 00:11:46,106 And he fell into the wastepaper basket. 246 00:11:46,140 --> 00:11:47,575 I've covered him 247 00:11:47,608 --> 00:11:49,677 With a copy of the charlie george football book. 248 00:11:49,710 --> 00:11:51,378 Right, you hang on. 249 00:11:51,412 --> 00:11:52,746 I must go and see him. 250 00:11:52,780 --> 00:11:54,882 There was nothing we could do, mervyn. 251 00:11:54,915 --> 00:11:57,284 If we'd have had the whole philharmonic orchestra in there 252 00:11:57,318 --> 00:11:59,353 He'd still have gone. 253 00:11:59,386 --> 00:12:00,588 I'm going upstairs. 254 00:12:00,621 --> 00:12:02,356 I can't bear it. 255 00:12:02,389 --> 00:12:03,524 There isn't an upstairs, dear. 256 00:12:03,557 --> 00:12:06,260 It's a bungalow. 257 00:12:06,293 --> 00:12:07,695 Damn! 258 00:12:07,728 --> 00:12:08,996 Hello? 259 00:12:09,029 --> 00:12:10,197 Oh, I'm sorry to keep you waiting. 260 00:12:10,231 --> 00:12:13,601 It's just that... 261 00:12:14,101 --> 00:12:16,837 Size three, yes. 262 00:12:16,871 --> 00:12:21,375 It's just, we've lost a dear one, and my son was... 263 00:12:21,408 --> 00:12:24,445 Yes, that's right, size eight, yes, and... 264 00:12:24,478 --> 00:12:26,113 Oh, I see. 265 00:12:26,146 --> 00:12:29,083 Yes... yes... yes... 266 00:12:29,116 --> 00:12:30,417 Yes, yes... 267 00:12:30,451 --> 00:12:33,520 Yes... yes, I see, uh... 268 00:12:33,554 --> 00:12:35,189 Yes. 269 00:12:35,222 --> 00:12:37,224 Yes, i... i... 270 00:12:37,258 --> 00:12:38,425 Yes. 271 00:12:38,459 --> 00:12:40,027 Oh, yes... no! 272 00:12:40,060 --> 00:12:42,963 No... yes... I see. 273 00:12:42,997 --> 00:12:45,366 They can't get the fire brigade, mervyn. 274 00:12:45,399 --> 00:12:47,201 Will the boys' brigade do? 275 00:12:47,234 --> 00:12:49,136 No! they'd be useless! 276 00:12:49,169 --> 00:12:52,940 No, he doesn't want anyone at the moment, thank you. 277 00:12:52,973 --> 00:12:55,676 No... yes. 278 00:12:55,709 --> 00:12:57,778 Yes-- no, thank you for trying. 279 00:12:57,811 --> 00:12:59,513 Yes. 280 00:12:59,547 --> 00:13:00,514 Yes... 281 00:13:00,548 --> 00:13:01,982 No, saxones. 282 00:13:02,016 --> 00:13:03,517 Yes. 283 00:13:03,551 --> 00:13:06,620 Yes, thank you, bye-bye. 284 00:13:06,654 --> 00:13:07,688 Mummy! 285 00:13:07,721 --> 00:13:10,090 Oh, eamonn! 286 00:13:10,124 --> 00:13:12,359 Mervyn, look, it's our eamonn! 287 00:13:12,393 --> 00:13:14,828 Oh, let me look at you. 288 00:13:14,862 --> 00:13:16,096 How well you're looking. 289 00:13:16,130 --> 00:13:18,632 Tell me, how is it in dublin? 290 00:13:18,666 --> 00:13:21,168 Well, things is pretty bad there at the moment 291 00:13:21,202 --> 00:13:22,570 But there does seem some hope 292 00:13:22,603 --> 00:13:24,104 Of a constitutional settlement. 293 00:13:24,138 --> 00:13:25,606 Oh, don't talk. 294 00:13:25,639 --> 00:13:27,141 Let me just look at you. 295 00:13:27,174 --> 00:13:28,475 Great to be home, mummy. 296 00:13:28,509 --> 00:13:29,510 How are you? 297 00:13:29,543 --> 00:13:30,778 Oh, I'm fine. 298 00:13:30,811 --> 00:13:32,813 I must just go upstairs and get your room ready. 299 00:13:32,846 --> 00:13:34,415 It's a bungalow, mummy. 300 00:13:34,448 --> 00:13:35,916 Oh, damn, yes. 301 00:13:35,950 --> 00:13:38,052 Mervyn, mervyn, look who's here! 302 00:13:38,085 --> 00:13:39,520 It's our eamonn 303 00:13:39,553 --> 00:13:41,555 Come back to see us. 304 00:13:41,589 --> 00:13:42,556 Hello, eamonn. 305 00:13:42,590 --> 00:13:43,824 Hello, merv. 306 00:13:43,857 --> 00:13:44,959 How was dublin? 307 00:13:44,992 --> 00:13:46,293 Well, as I was telling mummy here 308 00:13:46,327 --> 00:13:47,928 Things is pretty bad there at the moment 309 00:13:47,962 --> 00:13:49,129 But there does seem 310 00:13:49,163 --> 00:13:54,435 Some hope of a constitutional settlement. 311 00:13:56,203 --> 00:13:58,105 Hello? 312 00:13:58,138 --> 00:14:00,107 Yes? 313 00:14:00,140 --> 00:14:01,775 Yes. 314 00:14:01,809 --> 00:14:03,777 Yes. 315 00:14:03,811 --> 00:14:06,146 Yes. 316 00:14:06,714 --> 00:14:07,815 Yes. 317 00:14:07,848 --> 00:14:09,149 What? 318 00:14:09,183 --> 00:14:11,585 What? 319 00:14:13,220 --> 00:14:15,356 Size seven. 320 00:14:15,389 --> 00:14:16,957 Yes. 321 00:14:16,991 --> 00:14:18,225 Yes. 322 00:14:18,259 --> 00:14:19,827 Yes, yes! 323 00:14:19,860 --> 00:14:21,395 Yes. 324 00:14:21,428 --> 00:14:22,396 It's the fire brigade. 325 00:14:22,429 --> 00:14:23,564 They want to know 326 00:14:23,597 --> 00:14:24,798 If they can come round thursday evening. 327 00:14:24,832 --> 00:14:26,300 Oh, no. 328 00:14:26,333 --> 00:14:29,637 Thursday's the industrial relations bill dinner dance. 329 00:14:29,670 --> 00:14:31,138 Can't they make it another day? 330 00:14:31,171 --> 00:14:32,640 Uh, hello? 331 00:14:32,673 --> 00:14:33,974 No, thursday's... 332 00:14:34,008 --> 00:14:36,810 Right out! 333 00:14:37,578 --> 00:14:39,513 Yes. 334 00:14:39,547 --> 00:14:41,682 Yes. 335 00:14:41,715 --> 00:14:43,918 Yes. 336 00:14:43,951 --> 00:14:45,052 Yes... 337 00:14:45,085 --> 00:14:46,587 And so it was 338 00:14:46,620 --> 00:14:53,427 That the fire brigade eventually came round on friday night. 339 00:15:02,803 --> 00:15:04,405 I'm so glad you could come. 340 00:15:04,438 --> 00:15:06,207 What would you like to drink? 341 00:15:06,240 --> 00:15:07,641 Gin and tonic?? sherry? 342 00:15:07,675 --> 00:15:10,711 A drop of sherry would be lovely. 343 00:15:10,744 --> 00:15:14,048 We do like being called out to these little parties. 344 00:15:14,081 --> 00:15:18,552 They're much better than fires. 345 00:15:19,853 --> 00:15:21,455 Yes? 346 00:15:21,488 --> 00:15:22,456 Yes? 347 00:15:22,489 --> 00:15:23,791 Yes. 348 00:15:23,824 --> 00:15:26,093 Well, how was dublin, eamonn? 349 00:15:26,126 --> 00:15:28,596 Well, as I was telling mummy and mervyn earlier 350 00:15:28,629 --> 00:15:30,731 Things is pretty bad there at the moment 351 00:15:30,764 --> 00:15:31,765 But there does seem 352 00:15:31,799 --> 00:15:33,467 Some hope of a constitutional... 353 00:15:33,500 --> 00:15:38,272 Oh, look at them enjoying themselves. 354 00:15:38,305 --> 00:15:40,774 You know, I used to dread parties 355 00:15:40,808 --> 00:15:43,978 Until I watched party hints by veronica. 356 00:15:44,011 --> 00:15:47,615 I think it's on now. 357 00:16:09,870 --> 00:16:11,238 Hello. 358 00:16:11,272 --> 00:16:13,440 Last week on party hints I showed you 359 00:16:13,474 --> 00:16:16,777 How to make a small plate of goulash go round 26 people 360 00:16:16,810 --> 00:16:19,246 How to get the best out of your canapes 361 00:16:19,280 --> 00:16:21,081 And how to unblock your loo. 362 00:16:21,115 --> 00:16:23,284 This week I'm going to tell you what to do 363 00:16:23,317 --> 00:16:25,286 If there's an armed communist uprising 364 00:16:25,319 --> 00:16:27,521 Near your home when you're having a party. 365 00:16:27,555 --> 00:16:30,758 Well, obviously it'll depend how far you've got with your party 366 00:16:30,791 --> 00:16:32,860 When the signal for red revolt is raised. 367 00:16:32,893 --> 00:16:35,162 If you're just having preliminary aperitifs-- 368 00:16:35,195 --> 00:16:37,631 A dubonnet, a sherry, or a sparkling white wine-- 369 00:16:37,665 --> 00:16:40,668 Then your guests will obviously be in a fairly formal mood 370 00:16:40,701 --> 00:16:42,269 And it'll be difficult to tell 371 00:16:42,303 --> 00:16:44,038 Which are the communist agitators. 372 00:16:44,071 --> 00:16:46,140 So the thing to do is to get some cloth 373 00:16:46,173 --> 00:16:47,541 And some bits of old paper 374 00:16:47,575 --> 00:16:50,544 Put it down on the floor and shoot everybody. 375 00:16:50,578 --> 00:16:53,614 This will deal with the red menace on your own doorstep. 376 00:16:53,647 --> 00:16:56,417 If you're having canapes, as I showed you last week 377 00:16:56,450 --> 00:16:57,651 Or an outdoor barbecue 378 00:16:57,685 --> 00:16:59,587 Then the thing to do is to set fire 379 00:16:59,620 --> 00:17:01,388 To all the houses in the street. 380 00:17:01,422 --> 00:17:03,457 This will stir up anticommunist hatred 381 00:17:03,490 --> 00:17:05,726 And your neighbors will be right with you 382 00:17:05,759 --> 00:17:08,195 As you organize counterrevolutionary terror. 383 00:17:08,229 --> 00:17:10,231 So you see, if you act promptly enough 384 00:17:10,264 --> 00:17:12,399 Any left-wing uprising can be dealt with 385 00:17:12,433 --> 00:17:13,734 By the end of the party. 386 00:17:13,767 --> 00:17:14,869 Bye. 387 00:17:14,902 --> 00:17:18,105 Ah, she's finally gone away. 388 00:17:18,138 --> 00:17:23,344 All right, comrades, time to go to work. 389 00:17:31,886 --> 00:17:35,022 Hello, we are selling communist revolutions. 390 00:17:35,055 --> 00:17:37,758 Would you by any chance be interested? 391 00:17:37,791 --> 00:17:40,127 Oh, yes, I'll take a dozen, please. 392 00:17:40,160 --> 00:17:42,630 Right. 393 00:17:53,374 --> 00:17:58,746 One dozen communist revolutions coming up. 394 00:18:03,117 --> 00:18:04,985 I get it! 395 00:18:05,019 --> 00:18:06,387 Communist revolution! 396 00:18:06,420 --> 00:18:07,922 That's a good one. 397 00:18:07,955 --> 00:18:11,225 You disgusting little piece of filth. 398 00:18:11,258 --> 00:18:12,726 God, I hate you! 399 00:18:12,760 --> 00:18:17,731 You make me want to puke my guts out! 400 00:18:18,732 --> 00:18:20,467 Wasn't that cute? 401 00:18:20,501 --> 00:18:22,002 Remember, you too 402 00:18:22,036 --> 00:18:23,938 Can get your own putrid peter doll 403 00:18:23,971 --> 00:18:25,839 In time to pacify your next party. 404 00:18:25,873 --> 00:18:26,974 But why stop there? 405 00:18:27,007 --> 00:18:28,976 Why not get a barry bigot doll, too? 406 00:18:29,009 --> 00:18:32,279 Just watch this. 407 00:18:36,817 --> 00:18:39,920 Black people, black people. 408 00:18:39,954 --> 00:18:40,921 Rrrrhodesian. 409 00:18:40,955 --> 00:18:42,590 Kill the blacks. kill the blacks. 410 00:18:42,623 --> 00:18:43,891 Rrrrhodesian. 411 00:18:43,924 --> 00:18:45,593 Smith, smith. 412 00:18:45,626 --> 00:18:47,595 Kill the blacks within the five principles. 413 00:18:47,628 --> 00:18:49,530 I'm afraid I cannot comment on that 414 00:18:49,563 --> 00:18:51,465 Until it has been officially hushed up. 415 00:18:51,498 --> 00:18:53,033 This is our politicians' booth. 416 00:18:53,067 --> 00:18:55,436 While there's no undue cause for concern 417 00:18:55,469 --> 00:18:58,005 There is certainly no room for complacency. 418 00:18:58,038 --> 00:18:59,440 Ha, ha, ha, he, he, he. 419 00:18:59,473 --> 00:19:01,508 I'll go to the foot of our stairs. 420 00:19:01,542 --> 00:19:03,043 Ee ecky thump. 421 00:19:03,077 --> 00:19:04,578 Put wood in 'ole, muther. 422 00:19:04,612 --> 00:19:06,213 Yes, sorry? 423 00:19:06,247 --> 00:19:07,348 Ee ecky thump. 424 00:19:07,381 --> 00:19:08,716 Ee ecky thump. 425 00:19:08,749 --> 00:19:10,384 Ee ecky thump! 426 00:19:10,417 --> 00:19:11,418 Ee ecky thump! 427 00:19:11,452 --> 00:19:12,519 Excellent! 428 00:19:12,553 --> 00:19:14,622 It's a very quick method of learning. 429 00:19:14,655 --> 00:19:16,423 Can you smell gas, or is it me? 430 00:19:16,457 --> 00:19:17,424 Looks jolly good. 431 00:19:17,458 --> 00:19:18,525 Hello, big boy. 432 00:19:18,559 --> 00:19:19,860 Oo, varda the ome. 433 00:19:19,894 --> 00:19:21,595 Do you want a nice time? 434 00:19:21,629 --> 00:19:23,364 Very good. 435 00:19:23,397 --> 00:19:27,401 Thank you very much, sir. 436 00:19:29,069 --> 00:19:30,638 And we control everything from here. 437 00:19:30,671 --> 00:19:31,639 Superb. 438 00:19:31,672 --> 00:19:32,640 Well, what sort of thing 439 00:19:32,673 --> 00:19:33,641 Were you looking for? 440 00:19:33,674 --> 00:19:34,942 Well, really something 441 00:19:34,975 --> 00:19:37,545 To make me a little less insignificant. 442 00:19:37,578 --> 00:19:39,747 Oh, I see, sort of... 443 00:19:39,780 --> 00:19:41,549 "now, look here, you may be chairman 444 00:19:41,582 --> 00:19:43,717 "but your bloody pusillanimous behavior 445 00:19:43,751 --> 00:19:44,718 Makes me vomit!" 446 00:19:44,752 --> 00:19:45,819 That sort of thing? 447 00:19:45,853 --> 00:19:47,321 No, no, no, not really, no. 448 00:19:47,354 --> 00:19:48,622 Oh, I see, well, perhaps 449 00:19:48,656 --> 00:19:49,723 Something a bit more 450 00:19:49,757 --> 00:19:51,091 Sort of clive jenkins-ish? 451 00:19:51,125 --> 00:19:52,159 Perhaps, sort of : 452 00:19:52,192 --> 00:19:54,194 "mr. smarmy so- called harold wilson 453 00:19:54,228 --> 00:19:55,696 "can call himself pragmatic 454 00:19:55,729 --> 00:19:57,464 Until he's blue in the breast!" 455 00:19:57,498 --> 00:19:59,199 No, not really. 456 00:19:59,233 --> 00:20:00,267 I really want something 457 00:20:00,301 --> 00:20:01,268 That will make people 458 00:20:01,302 --> 00:20:02,836 Be attracted to me like a magnet. 459 00:20:02,870 --> 00:20:04,205 Oh, I see, well, you want our 460 00:20:04,238 --> 00:20:06,507 "life and soul of the party" tape then, I think. 461 00:20:06,540 --> 00:20:07,508 What's that? 462 00:20:07,541 --> 00:20:08,542 Well, it's sort of : 463 00:20:08,576 --> 00:20:09,643 Hello, squire! 464 00:20:09,677 --> 00:20:10,878 Haven't seen you for a bit! 465 00:20:10,911 --> 00:20:12,780 Haven't seen you for a bit either, beryl. 466 00:20:12,813 --> 00:20:14,348 Two pints of wallop, please, love. 467 00:20:14,381 --> 00:20:15,749 Still driving the jensen, then? 468 00:20:15,783 --> 00:20:17,418 Cheer up, jack, it may never happen. 469 00:20:17,451 --> 00:20:18,552 What's your poison, then? 470 00:20:18,586 --> 00:20:19,553 Fantastic, yes. 471 00:20:19,587 --> 00:20:20,654 Right, I'll just see 472 00:20:20,688 --> 00:20:21,956 If we've got the tape. 473 00:20:21,989 --> 00:20:23,824 Boo boo pee doo, boo boo pee doo 474 00:20:23,857 --> 00:20:26,327 Scoobie doobie doobie doobie doo-oo! 475 00:20:26,360 --> 00:20:27,494 Hello, operator 476 00:20:27,528 --> 00:20:28,729 Is that the central line? 477 00:20:28,762 --> 00:20:30,965 Give me picadilly number 9109 478 00:20:30,998 --> 00:20:32,900 Mr. operator, now, the number's wrong 479 00:20:32,933 --> 00:20:36,070 So come on, everybody, let's sing this song! 480 00:20:36,103 --> 00:20:37,605 Proust in his first book 481 00:20:37,638 --> 00:20:40,174 Wrote about, wrote about... 482 00:20:40,207 --> 00:20:43,177 Start again. 483 00:20:45,746 --> 00:20:50,251 Mount everest-- forbidding, aloof, terrifying. 484 00:20:50,284 --> 00:20:51,785 The highest place on earth. 485 00:20:51,819 --> 00:20:54,622 No, I'm sorry, we don't go there. 486 00:20:54,655 --> 00:20:56,323 Good morning. 487 00:20:56,357 --> 00:20:58,759 Oh, good morning. 488 00:20:58,792 --> 00:21:00,394 Do you want to go upstairs? 489 00:21:00,427 --> 00:21:01,662 What? 490 00:21:01,695 --> 00:21:03,564 Do you want to go upstairs? 491 00:21:03,597 --> 00:21:04,798 Or have you come 492 00:21:04,832 --> 00:21:06,166 To arrange a holiday? 493 00:21:06,200 --> 00:21:07,668 Uh, to arrange a holiday. 494 00:21:07,701 --> 00:21:10,504 Oh, sorry. 495 00:21:10,504 --> 00:21:12,339 What's all this about going upstairs? 496 00:21:12,373 --> 00:21:13,641 Oh, nothing, nothing. 497 00:21:13,674 --> 00:21:15,309 Now, where were you thinking of going? 498 00:21:15,342 --> 00:21:16,243 India. 499 00:21:16,277 --> 00:21:18,078 Ah, one of our adventure holidays. 500 00:21:18,112 --> 00:21:19,079 Yes. 501 00:21:19,113 --> 00:21:20,080 Well, you'd better speak 502 00:21:20,114 --> 00:21:21,215 To mr. bounder about that. 503 00:21:21,248 --> 00:21:22,383 Mr. bounder, this gentleman 504 00:21:22,416 --> 00:21:23,951 Is interested in the india overland. 505 00:21:23,984 --> 00:21:25,119 Ah, good morning. 506 00:21:25,152 --> 00:21:26,720 I'm bounder of adventure. 507 00:21:26,754 --> 00:21:28,455 Morning, my name is 508 00:21:28,489 --> 00:21:29,456 Smoke-too-much. 509 00:21:29,490 --> 00:21:31,125 What? 510 00:21:31,158 --> 00:21:34,194 My name is smoke-too-much, mr. smoke-too-much. 511 00:21:34,228 --> 00:21:35,529 Well, you'd better cut down a bit, then. 512 00:21:35,563 --> 00:21:37,765 What? 513 00:21:37,798 --> 00:21:39,900 You'd better cut down a bit, then. 514 00:21:39,934 --> 00:21:41,735 Oh, I see. 515 00:21:41,769 --> 00:21:42,836 Cut down a bit 516 00:21:42,870 --> 00:21:43,904 For smoke-too-much. 517 00:21:43,938 --> 00:21:44,905 Yes. 518 00:21:44,939 --> 00:21:45,906 I expect you get people 519 00:21:45,940 --> 00:21:47,441 Making jokes about your name all the time, eh? 520 00:21:47,474 --> 00:21:50,044 No, no. 521 00:21:51,045 --> 00:21:53,914 Actually, it never struck me before. 522 00:21:53,948 --> 00:21:57,618 Smoke... too... much! 523 00:21:57,685 --> 00:22:00,354 Anyway, you're interested in one of our adventure holidays, eh? 524 00:22:00,387 --> 00:22:03,190 Yes, yes, I saw your advert in the bolor supplement. 525 00:22:03,224 --> 00:22:04,425 The what? 526 00:22:04,458 --> 00:22:05,960 The bolor supplement. 527 00:22:05,993 --> 00:22:06,961 The color supplement? 528 00:22:06,994 --> 00:22:08,062 Yes, I'm sorry 529 00:22:08,095 --> 00:22:09,330 I can't say the letter "b." 530 00:22:09,363 --> 00:22:10,631 "c." 531 00:22:10,664 --> 00:22:11,865 Yes, that's right. 532 00:22:11,899 --> 00:22:14,001 It's all due to a trauma I suffered 533 00:22:14,034 --> 00:22:15,402 When I was a spoolboy. 534 00:22:15,436 --> 00:22:17,338 I was attacked by a bat. 535 00:22:17,371 --> 00:22:18,272 A cat? 536 00:22:18,305 --> 00:22:19,807 No, a bat. 537 00:22:19,840 --> 00:22:22,309 Can you say the letter "k"? 538 00:22:22,343 --> 00:22:26,480 Oh, yes, khaki, king, kettle, kuwait, keble bollege oxford. 539 00:22:26,513 --> 00:22:29,950 Why don't you say the letter "k" instead of the letter "c"? 540 00:22:29,984 --> 00:22:32,653 What do you mean, spell "bolor" with a "k"? 541 00:22:32,686 --> 00:22:33,187 Yes. 542 00:22:33,220 --> 00:22:34,188 Kolor. 543 00:22:34,221 --> 00:22:35,489 Yes. 544 00:22:35,522 --> 00:22:39,426 Oh, that's very good, I never thought of that. 545 00:22:39,460 --> 00:22:41,095 Well, I saw your advert in the paper 546 00:22:41,128 --> 00:22:43,564 And I've been on package tours several times, you see 547 00:22:43,597 --> 00:22:45,266 And I decided that this was for me. 548 00:22:45,299 --> 00:22:46,333 Oh, good. 549 00:22:46,367 --> 00:22:47,701 Yes, I quite agree with you. 550 00:22:47,735 --> 00:22:48,702 I mean, what's the point 551 00:22:48,736 --> 00:22:49,937 Of being treated like a sheep? 552 00:22:49,970 --> 00:22:51,405 I mean, I'm fed up of going abroad 553 00:22:51,438 --> 00:22:52,740 And being treated like sheep. 554 00:22:52,773 --> 00:22:54,608 What's the point of being carted around in buses 555 00:22:54,642 --> 00:22:56,043 Surrounded by sweaty, mindless oafs 556 00:22:56,076 --> 00:22:57,244 From kettering and boventry? 557 00:22:57,278 --> 00:22:59,213 Their cloth caps and their cardigans 558 00:22:59,246 --> 00:23:00,714 And their transistor radios 559 00:23:00,748 --> 00:23:02,082 And their sunday mirrors 560 00:23:02,116 --> 00:23:03,584 Bomplaining about the tea-- 561 00:23:03,617 --> 00:23:05,185 "oh, they don't make it properly here, do they? 562 00:23:05,219 --> 00:23:06,620 Not like at home." 563 00:23:06,654 --> 00:23:09,790 Stopping at majorcan bodegas selling fish and chips 564 00:23:09,823 --> 00:23:11,292 And watney's red barrel 565 00:23:11,325 --> 00:23:12,560 And calamares and two veg 566 00:23:12,593 --> 00:23:14,228 And sitting in cotton sun frocks 567 00:23:14,261 --> 00:23:16,030 Squirting timothy white's sun cream 568 00:23:16,063 --> 00:23:18,666 All over their puffy, raw, swollen, purulent flesh 569 00:23:18,699 --> 00:23:19,767 Because they overdid it 570 00:23:19,800 --> 00:23:20,768 On the first day! 571 00:23:20,801 --> 00:23:22,403 Yes, absolutely, I quite agree. 572 00:23:22,436 --> 00:23:25,773 And being herded into endless hotel miramars 573 00:23:25,806 --> 00:23:28,209 And bellvueses and bontinentals 574 00:23:28,242 --> 00:23:29,210 With their international 575 00:23:29,243 --> 00:23:30,211 Luxury modern roomettes 576 00:23:30,244 --> 00:23:31,212 And their watney's red barrel 577 00:23:31,245 --> 00:23:32,213 And their swimming pools 578 00:23:32,246 --> 00:23:33,347 Full of fat german businessmen 579 00:23:33,380 --> 00:23:34,348 Pretending to be acrobats 580 00:23:34,381 --> 00:23:36,917 And forming pyramids 581 00:23:36,951 --> 00:23:37,985 And frightening the children 582 00:23:38,018 --> 00:23:39,286 Barging into the queues 583 00:23:39,320 --> 00:23:40,654 And if you're not at your table spot on seven 584 00:23:40,688 --> 00:23:41,789 You miss your bowl 585 00:23:41,822 --> 00:23:43,257 Of campbell's cream of mushroom soup 586 00:23:43,290 --> 00:23:45,960 The first item on the menu of international cuisine. 587 00:23:45,993 --> 00:23:47,228 And every thursday night 588 00:23:47,261 --> 00:23:48,862 There's bloody cabaret in the bar 589 00:23:48,896 --> 00:23:50,564 Featuring some tiny, emaciated dago 590 00:23:50,598 --> 00:23:51,565 With nine-inch hips 591 00:23:51,599 --> 00:23:53,067 And some big, fat, bloated tart 592 00:23:53,100 --> 00:23:55,236 With her hair brylcreemed down and a big arse 593 00:23:55,269 --> 00:23:56,971 Presenting flamenco for foreigners. 594 00:23:57,004 --> 00:23:57,972 Yes, yes, quite... 595 00:23:58,005 --> 00:23:59,273 And then surrounded 596 00:23:59,306 --> 00:24:01,275 By adenoidal typists from birmingham 597 00:24:01,308 --> 00:24:03,244 With diarrhea and flabby white legs 598 00:24:03,277 --> 00:24:05,746 And hairy, bandy-legged wop waiters called manuel 599 00:24:05,779 --> 00:24:06,947 And then once a week 600 00:24:06,981 --> 00:24:09,316 There's an excursion to the local roman ruins 601 00:24:09,350 --> 00:24:11,886 Where you can buy cherryade and melted ice cream 602 00:24:11,919 --> 00:24:13,554 And bleedin' watney's red barrel 603 00:24:13,587 --> 00:24:14,588 And then one night 604 00:24:14,622 --> 00:24:16,423 They take you to a local restaurant 605 00:24:16,457 --> 00:24:18,559 With local color and coloring and they show you there 606 00:24:18,592 --> 00:24:20,461 And you sit next to a party of people from rhyl 607 00:24:20,494 --> 00:24:22,930 Who keep singing torremolinos! 608 00:24:22,963 --> 00:24:25,032 Torremolinos! 609 00:24:25,065 --> 00:24:26,333 And complaining about the food. 610 00:24:26,367 --> 00:24:27,668 "oh, it's so greasy, isn't it?" 611 00:24:27,701 --> 00:24:29,236 And then you get cornered 612 00:24:29,270 --> 00:24:32,339 By some drunken greengrocer from luton with an instamatic 613 00:24:32,373 --> 00:24:35,175 And dr. scholl sandals and tuesday's daily express 614 00:24:35,209 --> 00:24:36,944 And he drones on and on and on 615 00:24:36,977 --> 00:24:39,847 About how mr. smith should be running this country. 616 00:24:39,880 --> 00:24:41,415 Quiet, please. 617 00:24:41,448 --> 00:24:42,683 And then he throws up 618 00:24:42,716 --> 00:24:44,218 All over the cuba libres. 619 00:24:44,251 --> 00:24:45,419 Will you be quiet, please? 620 00:24:45,452 --> 00:24:46,620 ...postcards of places 621 00:24:46,654 --> 00:24:48,355 They don't know they haven't even visited 622 00:24:48,389 --> 00:24:50,090 "to all at number 22, weather wonderful. 623 00:24:50,124 --> 00:24:51,425 Our room marked with an 'x'..." 624 00:24:51,458 --> 00:24:52,526 Shut up! 625 00:24:52,560 --> 00:24:53,527 "food very greasy 626 00:24:53,561 --> 00:24:54,762 "but we have managed to find 627 00:24:54,795 --> 00:24:56,730 This marvelous little place hidden away..." 628 00:24:56,764 --> 00:24:58,065 Shut up! 629 00:24:58,098 --> 00:25:00,167 "...watney's red barrel and cheese and onion." 630 00:25:00,201 --> 00:25:01,035 Shut up! 631 00:25:01,068 --> 00:25:02,369 And the accordionist plays... 632 00:25:02,403 --> 00:25:05,072 Shut your bloody gob! 633 00:25:05,105 --> 00:25:06,473 Oh, I've had enough of this. 634 00:25:06,507 --> 00:25:07,942 I'm going to ring the police. 635 00:25:07,975 --> 00:25:08,943 ...nothing to eat 636 00:25:08,976 --> 00:25:11,579 But dried watney's sandwiches. 637 00:25:11,612 --> 00:25:15,616 Oh, take it off the hook. 638 00:25:15,783 --> 00:25:17,351 ...and there's nowhere to sleep... 639 00:25:17,384 --> 00:25:18,686 Hello, operator? operator? 640 00:25:18,719 --> 00:25:22,122 Yes, operator, I'm trying to get the police. 641 00:25:22,156 --> 00:25:24,358 Yes, yes... the police! 642 00:25:24,391 --> 00:25:27,194 Yes, what? 643 00:25:29,730 --> 00:25:32,933 Nine and a half... nine and a half! 644 00:25:32,967 --> 00:25:34,735 ...when you get to malaga airport 645 00:25:34,768 --> 00:25:36,170 Everybody's swallowing... 646 00:25:36,203 --> 00:25:38,606 What? 647 00:25:39,039 --> 00:25:40,975 Sorry to keep you waiting. 648 00:25:41,008 --> 00:25:45,479 Will you come this way, please? 649 00:25:53,621 --> 00:25:54,955 Here they are. 650 00:25:54,989 --> 00:25:55,956 Right. 651 00:25:55,990 --> 00:25:58,092 Just here will do fine. 652 00:25:58,125 --> 00:26:00,761 Bye-bye. 653 00:26:01,161 --> 00:26:04,198 Good evening. 654 00:26:13,541 --> 00:26:15,442 I have with me tonight 655 00:26:15,476 --> 00:26:17,444 Anne elk, mrs. anne elk. 656 00:26:17,478 --> 00:26:19,880 Miss. 657 00:26:19,914 --> 00:26:22,583 You have a new theory about the brontosaurus. 658 00:26:22,616 --> 00:26:25,252 Can I just say here, chris, for one moment 659 00:26:25,286 --> 00:26:30,824 That I have a new theory about the brontosaurus? 660 00:26:30,858 --> 00:26:33,494 Exactly. 661 00:26:40,935 --> 00:26:43,804 What is it? 662 00:26:43,971 --> 00:26:46,440 Where? 663 00:26:46,607 --> 00:26:49,109 I mean your new theory. 664 00:26:49,143 --> 00:26:50,678 Oh, what is my theory? 665 00:26:50,711 --> 00:26:53,147 Oh, what is my theory, that it is. 666 00:26:53,180 --> 00:26:55,816 Well, chris, you may well ask me 667 00:26:55,849 --> 00:26:59,286 What is my theory. 668 00:26:59,453 --> 00:27:00,421 I am asking. 669 00:27:00,454 --> 00:27:01,555 Good for you. 670 00:27:01,589 --> 00:27:03,057 My word, yes. 671 00:27:03,090 --> 00:27:04,992 Well, chris, what is it that it is 672 00:27:05,025 --> 00:27:06,160 This theory of mine? 673 00:27:06,193 --> 00:27:07,962 Well, this is what it is. 674 00:27:07,995 --> 00:27:09,463 My theory that I have 675 00:27:09,496 --> 00:27:11,565 That is to say, which is mine 676 00:27:11,599 --> 00:27:13,100 Is mine. 677 00:27:13,133 --> 00:27:15,803 Yes, I know it's yours. 678 00:27:15,836 --> 00:27:18,439 What is it? 679 00:27:18,472 --> 00:27:20,941 Where? 680 00:27:21,008 --> 00:27:22,276 Your theory. 681 00:27:22,309 --> 00:27:24,245 Oh, what is my... 682 00:27:24,278 --> 00:27:27,147 This is it. 683 00:27:40,694 --> 00:27:43,631 My theory that belongs to me 684 00:27:43,664 --> 00:27:46,800 Is as follows. 685 00:27:51,438 --> 00:27:55,042 This is how it goes. 686 00:27:58,279 --> 00:28:00,047 The next thing I'm going to say 687 00:28:00,080 --> 00:28:01,048 Is my theory. 688 00:28:01,081 --> 00:28:03,284 Ready? 689 00:28:03,317 --> 00:28:04,418 My theory, by a. elk-- 690 00:28:04,451 --> 00:28:05,819 Brackets, miss, brackets-- 691 00:28:05,853 --> 00:28:09,056 This theory goes as follows and begins now: 692 00:28:09,089 --> 00:28:11,325 All brontosauruses are thin at one end 693 00:28:11,358 --> 00:28:13,494 Much, much thicker in the middle 694 00:28:13,527 --> 00:28:17,164 And then thin again at the far end. 695 00:28:17,197 --> 00:28:18,666 That is my theory. 696 00:28:18,699 --> 00:28:20,935 It is mine and belongs to me 697 00:28:20,968 --> 00:28:23,637 And I own it and what it is, too. 698 00:28:23,671 --> 00:28:25,506 That's it, is it? 699 00:28:25,539 --> 00:28:28,576 Spot on, chris. 700 00:28:28,609 --> 00:28:29,910 Well, this theory of yours 701 00:28:29,944 --> 00:28:32,012 Appears to have hit the nail on the head. 702 00:28:32,046 --> 00:28:34,181 And it's mine. 703 00:28:34,215 --> 00:28:36,917 Yes, thank you very much for coming along to the studio. 704 00:28:36,951 --> 00:28:38,552 My pleasure, chris. 705 00:28:38,586 --> 00:28:39,720 Next week, britain's... 706 00:28:39,753 --> 00:28:40,888 It's been a lot of fun. 707 00:28:40,921 --> 00:28:41,989 Yes, thank you very much. 708 00:28:42,022 --> 00:28:43,157 Saying what my theory is. 709 00:28:43,190 --> 00:28:44,158 Yes, thank you. 710 00:28:44,191 --> 00:28:45,159 And whose it is. 711 00:28:45,192 --> 00:28:46,994 Yes, thank you, that's all. 712 00:28:47,027 --> 00:28:48,862 I have another theory... 713 00:28:48,896 --> 00:28:49,863 Yes... 714 00:28:49,897 --> 00:28:50,965 Called my second theory 715 00:28:50,998 --> 00:28:52,066 Or my theory number two 716 00:28:52,099 --> 00:28:54,802 Which I could expound without doubt. 717 00:28:54,835 --> 00:28:55,803 This second theory... 718 00:28:55,836 --> 00:28:56,904 Yes? 719 00:28:56,937 --> 00:28:58,606 Which with the one that I have said... 720 00:28:58,639 --> 00:28:59,807 I'm trying... 721 00:28:59,840 --> 00:29:00,941 Which are mine 722 00:29:00,975 --> 00:29:03,210 And which belong to me... 723 00:29:03,244 --> 00:29:05,279 Nine and half, wide fitting. 724 00:29:05,312 --> 00:29:06,480 Goes like this. 725 00:29:06,513 --> 00:29:08,282 Balleys of bond street. 726 00:29:08,315 --> 00:29:10,718 What? 727 00:29:12,086 --> 00:29:14,188 No, sort of brogue. 728 00:29:14,221 --> 00:29:17,725 This is what it is. 729 00:29:18,826 --> 00:29:22,196 Eight and a half. 730 00:29:26,534 --> 00:29:27,801 This is it. 731 00:29:27,835 --> 00:29:31,338 My second theory... 732 00:29:38,045 --> 00:29:40,848 Excuse me! 733 00:29:42,416 --> 00:29:43,984 Hello, yes, yes? 734 00:29:44,018 --> 00:29:46,487 ...promises you that the raging cholera epidemic... 735 00:29:46,520 --> 00:29:48,756 The fire brigade are here! 736 00:29:48,789 --> 00:29:50,124 They're coming! 737 00:29:50,157 --> 00:29:51,158 Hello? 738 00:29:51,191 --> 00:29:52,560 No, no, I think they're all 739 00:29:52,593 --> 00:29:54,695 Part of the british shoe corporation now. 740 00:29:54,728 --> 00:29:59,533 Chris, this other theory of mine... 741 00:30:00,901 --> 00:30:04,505 The second theory... 742 00:30:04,772 --> 00:30:06,574 My second theory states 743 00:30:06,607 --> 00:30:08,475 That fire brigade choirs 744 00:30:08,509 --> 00:30:11,579 Seldom sing songs about marcel proust. 745 00:30:11,612 --> 00:30:12,980 Proust in his first book 746 00:30:13,013 --> 00:30:14,982 Wrote about, wrote about... 747 00:30:15,015 --> 00:30:17,318 Start again.