1 00:00:03,636 --> 00:00:05,271 Morning, sir, can I help you? 2 00:00:05,304 --> 00:00:06,906 Oh, yes, I wondered if you have 3 00:00:06,939 --> 00:00:08,975 Any part-time vacancies on your books. 4 00:00:09,008 --> 00:00:10,776 Part-time, I'll have a look, sir. 5 00:00:10,810 --> 00:00:13,279 See we've got, uh... ah, yes. 6 00:00:13,312 --> 00:00:14,914 Sir walter raleigh is equipping 7 00:00:14,947 --> 00:00:16,616 Another expedition to virginia. 8 00:00:16,649 --> 00:00:18,284 He needs traders and sailors. 9 00:00:18,317 --> 00:00:19,285 Vittlers needed 10 00:00:19,318 --> 00:00:20,953 At the court of philip of spain. 11 00:00:20,987 --> 00:00:22,088 Oh, yeah, and they want 12 00:00:22,121 --> 00:00:23,489 Master joiners and craftsmen 13 00:00:23,523 --> 00:00:25,424 For the building of the globe theater. 14 00:00:25,458 --> 00:00:27,593 I see, haven't you got anything a bit more modern? 15 00:00:27,627 --> 00:00:28,995 You know, like a job on the buses 16 00:00:29,028 --> 00:00:30,162 Or digging the underground? 17 00:00:30,196 --> 00:00:31,731 Well, no, we only have tudor jobs. 18 00:00:31,764 --> 00:00:33,466 That can't be very profitable, can it? 19 00:00:33,499 --> 00:00:35,334 Well, you'd be surprised, actually, sir. 20 00:00:35,368 --> 00:00:36,636 The tudor economy's booming 21 00:00:36,669 --> 00:00:38,104 Ever since sir humphrey gilbert 22 00:00:38,137 --> 00:00:40,540 Opened up the northwest passage to cathay 23 00:00:40,573 --> 00:00:42,041 And the cabots' expansion in canada 24 00:00:42,074 --> 00:00:44,076 There's been a tremendous surge in exports 25 00:00:44,110 --> 00:00:46,445 And trade with the holy roman empire is going... 26 00:00:46,479 --> 00:00:48,481 No, quite right, it's no good at all. 27 00:00:48,514 --> 00:00:49,482 What? 28 00:00:49,515 --> 00:00:50,816 It's a dead loss. 29 00:00:50,850 --> 00:00:53,486 We haven't put anyone in a job since 1625. 30 00:00:53,519 --> 00:00:54,487 I see. 31 00:00:54,520 --> 00:00:55,488 That's all? 32 00:00:55,521 --> 00:00:56,489 What? 33 00:00:56,522 --> 00:00:57,657 That's all you say? 34 00:00:57,690 --> 00:00:58,658 Yes. 35 00:00:58,691 --> 00:00:59,725 No, no, we were the tops then. 36 00:00:59,759 --> 00:01:01,327 Drake got all his sailors here. 37 00:01:01,360 --> 00:01:04,263 Elizabeth, we supplied the archbishops for her coronation. 38 00:01:04,297 --> 00:01:06,499 Shakespeare started off from here as a temp. 39 00:01:06,532 --> 00:01:07,733 Then came james i 40 00:01:07,767 --> 00:01:09,769 And the bottom fell out of the tudor jobs. 41 00:01:09,802 --> 00:01:12,772 1603-- 800 vacancies filled. 42 00:01:12,805 --> 00:01:14,307 1604-- 4o. 43 00:01:14,340 --> 00:01:15,842 1605-- none. 44 00:01:15,875 --> 00:01:17,176 1606-- none. 45 00:01:17,210 --> 00:01:19,078 The rest of the stuart period-- nothing. 46 00:01:19,111 --> 00:01:20,179 Hanoverians-- nothing. 47 00:01:20,213 --> 00:01:21,180 Victorians-- nothing. 48 00:01:21,214 --> 00:01:22,348 Saxe-coburgs-- nothing. 49 00:01:22,381 --> 00:01:23,950 Windsors... what did you want? 50 00:01:23,983 --> 00:01:25,117 Dirty books, please. 51 00:01:25,151 --> 00:01:26,619 Right. 52 00:01:26,652 --> 00:01:28,754 Sir, sorry about the tudor bit. 53 00:01:28,788 --> 00:01:31,524 But you can't be too careful, you know? 54 00:01:31,557 --> 00:01:34,026 Have you got anything a bit, uh...? 55 00:01:34,060 --> 00:01:35,027 Stronger? hold on. 56 00:01:35,061 --> 00:01:36,195 My lord of warwick! 57 00:01:36,229 --> 00:01:37,196 'allo! 58 00:01:37,230 --> 00:01:38,431 Raise high the drawbridge. 59 00:01:38,464 --> 00:01:39,799 Gloucester's troops approach. 60 00:01:39,832 --> 00:01:41,000 Right! 61 00:01:41,033 --> 00:01:45,872 Can't be too careful, you know, sir. 62 00:01:45,905 --> 00:01:47,840 There's bridget, queen of the whip. 63 00:01:47,874 --> 00:01:49,509 Yes... 64 00:01:49,542 --> 00:01:51,210 Or there's naughty nora. 65 00:01:51,244 --> 00:01:52,211 No... 66 00:01:52,245 --> 00:01:53,880 Or there's this one: 67 00:01:53,913 --> 00:01:57,383 Doug, bob and gordon visit the ark royal. 68 00:01:57,416 --> 00:02:00,720 Or there's sister teresa, the spanking nun. 69 00:02:00,753 --> 00:02:02,889 You don't have anything specifically 70 00:02:02,922 --> 00:02:04,457 About devon and cornwall? 71 00:02:04,490 --> 00:02:06,492 No, I'm afraid not, sir. 72 00:02:06,526 --> 00:02:08,194 The one I was really after was 73 00:02:08,227 --> 00:02:11,030 Arthur hotchkiss' devonshire country churches. 74 00:02:11,063 --> 00:02:15,101 Well, how about this, sir-- bum biters? 75 00:02:15,134 --> 00:02:16,235 No, not really. 76 00:02:16,269 --> 00:02:17,737 And I don't suppose you've got 77 00:02:17,770 --> 00:02:20,406 Any general surveys of english church architecture? 78 00:02:20,439 --> 00:02:22,241 It's not really our line, sir. 79 00:02:22,275 --> 00:02:23,776 No, I see, well, never mind. 80 00:02:23,809 --> 00:02:25,411 I'll just take the lord lieutenant in nylons then 81 00:02:25,444 --> 00:02:29,415 And I'll trade in these two copies of piggie parade. 82 00:02:29,448 --> 00:02:30,416 Right, sir. 83 00:02:30,449 --> 00:02:31,584 My lord of warwick! 84 00:02:31,617 --> 00:02:32,585 'allo? 85 00:02:32,618 --> 00:02:33,920 Raise high the drawbridge. 86 00:02:33,953 --> 00:02:35,421 Gloucester's troops approach! 87 00:02:35,454 --> 00:02:37,924 Right! 88 00:02:41,527 --> 00:02:42,495 Just these, then. 89 00:02:42,528 --> 00:02:43,896 All right, this is a raid. 90 00:02:43,930 --> 00:02:45,765 My name is superintendent gaskell 91 00:02:45,798 --> 00:02:47,800 And this is sergeant maddox. 92 00:02:47,834 --> 00:02:49,535 Sir phillip sidney, 'tis good to see thee 93 00:02:49,569 --> 00:02:50,536 On these shores again. 94 00:02:50,570 --> 00:02:51,270 Shut up. 95 00:02:51,304 --> 00:02:52,738 Your suit is fair and goodly cut. 96 00:02:52,772 --> 00:02:53,739 Was't from antwerp? 97 00:02:53,773 --> 00:02:55,174 Shut up. it's a disguise. 98 00:02:55,208 --> 00:02:57,610 Right! confiscate the smutty books, maddox. 99 00:02:57,643 --> 00:02:58,845 Sir phillip, prithee nay! 100 00:02:58,878 --> 00:03:00,246 Listen, mate 101 00:03:00,279 --> 00:03:02,515 Don't come that phillip sidney bit with me. 102 00:03:02,548 --> 00:03:04,350 I'm not a bloody tudor at all. 103 00:03:04,383 --> 00:03:10,857 I'm gaskell of the vice squad and this is sergeant maddox. 104 00:03:10,890 --> 00:03:12,124 Maddox?! 105 00:03:12,158 --> 00:03:14,093 Where's he gone? 106 00:03:14,126 --> 00:03:15,928 Sir phillip, prithee rest awhile. 107 00:03:15,962 --> 00:03:17,463 Look, this is the last time 108 00:03:17,496 --> 00:03:18,531 I'm warning you. 109 00:03:18,564 --> 00:03:20,499 I'm not sir phillip bleeding sidney. 110 00:03:20,533 --> 00:03:22,401 I am superintendent harold gaskell 111 00:03:22,435 --> 00:03:23,503 And this is a raid. 112 00:03:23,536 --> 00:03:27,106 That'll be 540 quid, sir. 113 00:03:27,139 --> 00:03:28,908 Oh, I'll just have this one then. 114 00:03:28,941 --> 00:03:30,643 Maddox! 115 00:03:30,676 --> 00:03:33,346 Look, this is a raid... 116 00:03:33,379 --> 00:03:34,814 Honestly. 117 00:03:34,847 --> 00:03:35,815 I promise you. 118 00:03:35,848 --> 00:03:36,983 Where are you going? 119 00:03:37,016 --> 00:03:37,984 I'm going home. 120 00:03:38,017 --> 00:03:38,985 Right. 121 00:03:39,018 --> 00:03:40,019 Well, I'll remember you. 122 00:03:40,052 --> 00:03:41,988 Don't you worry, I'll remember you. 123 00:03:42,021 --> 00:03:43,289 Pray, good sir phillip... 124 00:03:43,322 --> 00:03:44,323 Don't you start. 125 00:03:44,357 --> 00:03:45,892 Maddox! 126 00:03:45,925 --> 00:03:48,160 Listen, I can prove to you I'm a policeman. 127 00:03:48,194 --> 00:03:50,062 I'll give the names of all the men 128 00:03:50,096 --> 00:03:51,664 Down in "f" division at acton. 129 00:03:51,697 --> 00:03:52,999 Inspector arthur perry 130 00:03:53,032 --> 00:03:55,168 Superintendent charles frodwell, my best friend 131 00:03:55,201 --> 00:03:57,703 Police dogs butch, wolf, panther, maudling. 132 00:03:57,737 --> 00:03:59,305 How would I know those names 133 00:03:59,338 --> 00:04:00,907 If I was sir phillip sidney? 134 00:04:00,940 --> 00:04:03,809 Vicar, vicar, you know me. 135 00:04:03,843 --> 00:04:05,244 The gargoyle club. 136 00:04:05,278 --> 00:04:07,213 I got you off the charge. 137 00:04:07,246 --> 00:04:09,515 Farewell, good sir phillip. 138 00:04:09,549 --> 00:04:10,917 Hey, stop! 139 00:04:10,950 --> 00:04:13,519 Maddox! 140 00:04:19,625 --> 00:04:24,530 You'll never get away with this, you porn merchant! 141 00:04:24,564 --> 00:04:27,133 Blimey! 142 00:04:27,567 --> 00:04:30,136 Maddox? 143 00:04:32,238 --> 00:04:33,539 Maddox! 144 00:04:33,573 --> 00:04:38,911 Oh, good sir, how glad I am to see thee come. 145 00:04:38,945 --> 00:04:43,916 Forgive me weeping, but my love has gone. 146 00:04:43,950 --> 00:04:45,785 Uh, listen, my name is gaskell... 147 00:04:45,818 --> 00:04:48,054 Superintendent gaskell of vice squad. 148 00:04:48,087 --> 00:04:50,823 Myself and sergeant maddox... 149 00:04:50,857 --> 00:04:52,225 Are on a raid. 150 00:04:52,258 --> 00:04:53,593 We are not tudor people. 151 00:04:53,626 --> 00:04:54,660 We are the police. 152 00:04:54,694 --> 00:04:57,630 Frances, what idleness is this? 153 00:04:57,663 --> 00:05:00,299 Why, good sir phillip sidney! 154 00:05:00,333 --> 00:05:02,235 What hast thou here? 155 00:05:02,268 --> 00:05:06,439 You are sir phillip sidney? 156 00:05:07,073 --> 00:05:08,608 Possibly... 157 00:05:08,641 --> 00:05:10,476 But I may be superintendent gaskell 158 00:05:10,510 --> 00:05:11,577 Of the vice squad. 159 00:05:11,611 --> 00:05:12,845 Ah, good, sir phillip 160 00:05:12,879 --> 00:05:15,581 Thy sharp-tongued wit has not deserted thee. 161 00:05:15,615 --> 00:05:17,683 Come, let us eat and drink. 162 00:05:17,717 --> 00:05:19,352 Stay with us awhile. 163 00:05:19,385 --> 00:05:23,856 All right, sir, I think I will. 164 00:05:29,629 --> 00:05:31,797 Then... then did we bust the harry tony mob 165 00:05:31,831 --> 00:05:32,965 Who did seek to import 166 00:05:32,999 --> 00:05:34,534 Scandinavian filth via germany. 167 00:05:34,567 --> 00:05:36,569 For six years they cleaned up a packet. 168 00:05:36,602 --> 00:05:38,938 The day I got whiff of them through a squealer 169 00:05:38,971 --> 00:05:41,007 Did, within a week, a mop-up right good. 170 00:05:41,040 --> 00:05:42,241 They're now languishing 171 00:05:42,275 --> 00:05:47,146 Doing five years' bird in parkhurst. 172 00:05:48,814 --> 00:05:49,782 Sir phillip! 173 00:05:49,815 --> 00:05:51,217 The spaniards have landed 174 00:05:51,250 --> 00:05:52,485 In the netherlands. 175 00:05:52,518 --> 00:05:54,954 My lord walsingham needs you there forthwith. 176 00:05:54,987 --> 00:05:56,222 Let's go. 177 00:05:56,255 --> 00:05:57,757 Good luck, sir phillip! 178 00:05:57,790 --> 00:06:01,394 Fight against filth! 179 00:06:11,537 --> 00:06:13,072 Where are the spaniards? 180 00:06:13,105 --> 00:06:14,340 Down below, sir phillip. 181 00:06:14,373 --> 00:06:17,176 Their first boats are landing even now. 182 00:06:17,210 --> 00:06:20,012 Right, you stay here, I'll go and get them. 183 00:06:20,046 --> 00:06:23,883 Sir phillip, not alone! 184 00:06:38,531 --> 00:06:40,366 'allo, 'allo! 185 00:06:40,399 --> 00:06:42,201 What's going on here? 186 00:06:42,235 --> 00:06:47,507 Is nothing, senor, is just some literature. 187 00:06:47,540 --> 00:06:51,744 I know what literature is, you dago dustbin. 188 00:06:51,777 --> 00:06:53,980 I also know what porn is. 189 00:06:54,013 --> 00:06:55,481 What's this then, eh? 190 00:06:55,515 --> 00:06:59,018 Is one of lope de vega's latest plays, senor. 191 00:06:59,051 --> 00:07:00,586 Toledo tit parade? 192 00:07:00,620 --> 00:07:02,922 What kind of a play is that? 193 00:07:02,955 --> 00:07:05,358 Is very visual, senor. 194 00:07:05,391 --> 00:07:06,959 Right, I'm taking this lot in 195 00:07:06,993 --> 00:07:09,862 In the name of her gracious majesty queen elizabeth. 196 00:07:09,896 --> 00:07:10,863 Oh, but senor. 197 00:07:10,897 --> 00:07:12,331 Don't give me any trouble. 198 00:07:12,365 --> 00:07:14,333 Just pile up these baskets of filth 199 00:07:14,367 --> 00:07:15,334 And come with me. 200 00:07:15,368 --> 00:07:17,603 No! 201 00:07:35,655 --> 00:07:38,624 The battle raged long and hard 202 00:07:38,658 --> 00:07:42,395 But as night fell, sidney overcame the spaniards. 203 00:07:42,428 --> 00:07:45,131 6,000 copies of tits and bums 204 00:07:45,164 --> 00:07:50,169 And 4,000 copies of shower sheila were seized that day. 205 00:07:50,203 --> 00:07:53,439 The tide of spanish porn was stemmed. 206 00:07:53,472 --> 00:07:57,677 Sir phillip sidney returned to london in triumph. 207 00:07:57,710 --> 00:07:59,278 Covered in glory 208 00:07:59,312 --> 00:08:01,881 Sir phillip rode home to penshurst 209 00:08:01,914 --> 00:08:04,984 To see his beloved wife. 210 00:08:05,017 --> 00:08:08,688 But all was not well. 211 00:08:09,789 --> 00:08:11,591 Good evening all, my love. 212 00:08:11,624 --> 00:08:15,828 I have returned safe from the low countries. 213 00:08:15,862 --> 00:08:17,263 What art thou reading, fair one? 214 00:08:17,296 --> 00:08:19,031 Oh, it is nothing, husband. 215 00:08:19,065 --> 00:08:20,666 I can see 'tis something. 216 00:08:20,700 --> 00:08:24,103 Uh... 'tis one of shakespeare's latest works. 217 00:08:24,136 --> 00:08:26,105 Oh... 218 00:08:26,138 --> 00:08:29,742 Gay boys in bondage. 219 00:08:29,842 --> 00:08:31,777 What, is't-- tragedy? comedy? 220 00:08:31,811 --> 00:08:34,280 Uh... 'tis, uh... 221 00:08:34,313 --> 00:08:37,783 'tis a story of a... a man's great love 222 00:08:37,817 --> 00:08:40,319 For his... fellow men. 223 00:08:40,353 --> 00:08:42,121 How fortunate we are indeed 224 00:08:42,154 --> 00:08:44,624 To have such a poet on these shores. 225 00:08:44,657 --> 00:08:45,791 Indeed. 226 00:08:45,825 --> 00:08:47,193 How was the war, my lord? 227 00:08:47,226 --> 00:08:49,095 The spaniards were defeated thrice. 228 00:08:49,128 --> 00:08:51,964 Six dozen chests of hard-core captured. 229 00:08:51,998 --> 00:08:53,966 Hast brought home any spoils of war? 230 00:08:54,000 --> 00:08:55,501 Yes, good my wife. 231 00:08:55,535 --> 00:08:58,437 This fair coat trimmed with ermine. 232 00:08:58,471 --> 00:09:00,606 Oh, lovely. 233 00:09:00,640 --> 00:09:01,707 Nowt else? 234 00:09:01,741 --> 00:09:03,943 No, no, fair lady, the rest was too smutty. 235 00:09:03,976 --> 00:09:07,046 Now, my good wife, while I rest, read to me a while 236 00:09:07,079 --> 00:09:10,816 From shakespeare's gay boys in bondage. 237 00:09:10,850 --> 00:09:13,252 Uh... 238 00:09:13,352 --> 00:09:16,389 Yes, my lord. 239 00:09:18,858 --> 00:09:22,461 Gay boys in bondage. 240 00:09:24,730 --> 00:09:29,001 "ken, 25, is a mounted policeman with a difference 241 00:09:29,035 --> 00:09:31,938 "and, what a difference! 242 00:09:31,971 --> 00:09:34,307 "even roger is surprised 243 00:09:34,340 --> 00:09:38,811 "and he's... he's used to real men. 244 00:09:38,845 --> 00:09:40,413 'tis like hamlet. 245 00:09:40,446 --> 00:09:41,714 What a genius! 246 00:09:41,747 --> 00:09:44,250 "but who is going to do the cooking tonight? 247 00:09:44,283 --> 00:09:45,852 Roddy's got a mouthful..." 248 00:09:45,885 --> 00:09:46,853 All right! 249 00:09:46,886 --> 00:09:48,087 This is a raid. 250 00:09:48,120 --> 00:09:49,922 Oh, we are disgraced. 251 00:09:49,956 --> 00:09:51,224 There you are, maddox. 252 00:09:51,257 --> 00:09:53,292 Cut the chat and get in the van. 253 00:09:53,326 --> 00:09:54,894 Maddox, you recognize me. 254 00:09:54,927 --> 00:09:56,562 Indeed I do, sir phillip sidney 255 00:09:56,596 --> 00:09:57,864 And sad I am to see you 256 00:09:57,897 --> 00:09:59,799 Caught up in this morass of filth. 257 00:09:59,832 --> 00:10:01,367 Ooh, that's a long one. 258 00:10:01,400 --> 00:10:04,570 Oh, oh, the glorious name of sidney is besmirched. 259 00:10:04,604 --> 00:10:06,539 All is lost, oh, alas the day! 260 00:10:06,572 --> 00:10:07,940 Shut up! I know this man. 261 00:10:07,974 --> 00:10:09,876 It's me old mate, sergeant maddox. 262 00:10:09,909 --> 00:10:11,611 You'll do time for this. 263 00:10:11,644 --> 00:10:12,912 Oh, maddox, it's me, gaskell-- 264 00:10:12,945 --> 00:10:14,113 "f" division down at acton. 265 00:10:14,146 --> 00:10:15,414 Inspector arthur frodwell... 266 00:10:15,448 --> 00:10:16,716 Come on, sidney. 267 00:10:16,749 --> 00:10:17,884 And you, miss. 268 00:10:17,917 --> 00:10:19,151 I'm not sir phillip bleeding sidney. 269 00:10:19,185 --> 00:10:20,319 Where were you? 270 00:10:20,353 --> 00:10:22,955 We could have mopped up that tudor shop. 271 00:10:22,989 --> 00:10:25,091 Ooh, that's a good one. 272 00:10:25,124 --> 00:10:26,759 It's me, it's gaskell. 273 00:10:26,792 --> 00:10:31,097 Yes, I'll explain this to you 274 00:10:31,197 --> 00:10:32,732 When I get back at the station 275 00:10:32,765 --> 00:10:37,170 That you've got the wrong man! 276 00:10:58,758 --> 00:11:00,660 Prithee, what is't that here I hold? 277 00:11:00,693 --> 00:11:02,862 If is't be brian's, than to fight I go. 278 00:11:02,895 --> 00:11:04,096 But, no. 279 00:11:04,130 --> 00:11:06,599 Alas, if fortune doth perceive, I am undone. 280 00:11:06,632 --> 00:11:08,434 No, cyril must not know. 281 00:11:08,467 --> 00:11:11,604 But no, yes, no... ah, ah, ah, resolved. 282 00:11:11,637 --> 00:11:13,673 But, hark, someone approaching. 283 00:11:13,706 --> 00:11:14,774 Take heed, my lord 284 00:11:14,807 --> 00:11:18,811 Kevin and bruce are here. 285 00:11:30,623 --> 00:11:32,825 It's so nice here, isn't it, darling? 286 00:11:32,859 --> 00:11:34,260 Oh, it's beautiful. 287 00:11:34,293 --> 00:11:37,630 It's... it's paris all over again. 288 00:11:37,663 --> 00:11:41,601 Excuse me, do you mind if I join you? 289 00:11:41,634 --> 00:11:43,803 Uh... no, no, not at all. 290 00:11:43,836 --> 00:11:45,571 Are you sure you don't mind? 291 00:11:45,605 --> 00:11:46,806 Uh, yes, yes, absolutely. 292 00:11:46,839 --> 00:11:48,808 You're sure I won't be disturbing you? 293 00:11:48,841 --> 00:11:50,209 No, no. 294 00:11:50,243 --> 00:11:52,011 You're absolutely sure I won't be disturbing you? 295 00:11:52,044 --> 00:11:53,312 No, no, really. 296 00:11:53,346 --> 00:11:55,281 Good, because I don't want to disturb you. 297 00:11:55,314 --> 00:11:56,849 I'm sorry? 298 00:11:56,883 --> 00:11:58,317 I don't want to disturb you 299 00:11:58,351 --> 00:11:59,785 Especially as you're being so kind 300 00:11:59,819 --> 00:12:00,987 About me not disturbing you. 301 00:12:01,020 --> 00:12:02,255 We don't mind, do we, darling? 302 00:12:02,288 --> 00:12:03,256 No, no, darling. 303 00:12:03,289 --> 00:12:04,257 Good, so I can go ahead 304 00:12:04,290 --> 00:12:05,892 And join you then, can i? 305 00:12:05,925 --> 00:12:08,227 Yes, yes. yes, please. 306 00:12:08,261 --> 00:12:09,529 Won't be disturbing? 307 00:12:09,562 --> 00:12:10,663 No, no. no, no, no. 308 00:12:10,696 --> 00:12:12,031 Good, good, you're very kind. 309 00:12:12,064 --> 00:12:14,066 A lot of people are far less understanding 310 00:12:14,100 --> 00:12:16,669 Than you are. 311 00:12:16,702 --> 00:12:19,038 A lot of people take offense while I even talk to them 312 00:12:19,071 --> 00:12:21,174 Let alone when I specifically tell them 313 00:12:21,207 --> 00:12:25,511 About my... being disturbing. 314 00:12:30,149 --> 00:12:32,451 Well, it's not particularly disturbing. 315 00:12:32,485 --> 00:12:34,387 No, absolutely, absolutely. 316 00:12:34,420 --> 00:12:36,255 That's what I always say. 317 00:12:36,289 --> 00:12:40,059 But you'd be amazed... 318 00:12:42,361 --> 00:12:45,097 You'd be amazed at the number of people 319 00:12:45,131 --> 00:12:46,966 Who really don't want me. 320 00:12:46,999 --> 00:12:48,701 Too-too, too-too-too 321 00:12:48,734 --> 00:12:50,703 Too-too-too, too-too-too 322 00:12:50,736 --> 00:12:52,171 Too, too, too, too 323 00:12:52,205 --> 00:12:54,240 Too-too, too-too-too, too. 324 00:12:54,273 --> 00:12:56,242 Too-too, too-too-too... 325 00:12:56,275 --> 00:12:58,377 I mean, even doing this gets people looking at me 326 00:12:58,411 --> 00:13:02,815 In the most extraordinary way. 327 00:13:12,458 --> 00:13:14,093 Vicar, we must be getting on. 328 00:13:14,126 --> 00:13:16,095 I knew I'd disturb you, I knew I'd disturb you. 329 00:13:16,128 --> 00:13:17,496 It always happens. 330 00:13:17,530 --> 00:13:19,098 Whenever I've found someone 331 00:13:19,131 --> 00:13:21,234 I really think I'm going to be able to get on with... 332 00:13:21,267 --> 00:13:22,768 No, the thing is, we're going to be late... 333 00:13:22,802 --> 00:13:24,871 Darling, come on, let's stay. 334 00:13:24,904 --> 00:13:26,572 Well, just a little bit. 335 00:13:26,606 --> 00:13:29,242 I mean, we will be late if we don't... 336 00:13:29,275 --> 00:13:31,911 Oh, thank you, you're very kind. 337 00:13:31,944 --> 00:13:33,412 Too-too, too-too-too 338 00:13:33,446 --> 00:13:34,947 Too-too-too, too-too-too 339 00:13:34,981 --> 00:13:38,284 Too, too, too, too... 340 00:13:38,317 --> 00:13:41,387 Too-too, too-too-too... 341 00:13:41,420 --> 00:13:42,922 As it turned out 342 00:13:42,955 --> 00:13:45,992 Our chance meeting with the reverend arthur belling 343 00:13:46,025 --> 00:13:48,127 Was to change our whole way of life 344 00:13:48,160 --> 00:13:49,929 And every sunday 345 00:13:49,962 --> 00:13:56,536 We'd hurry along to st. loony up the cream bun and jam... 346 00:14:01,541 --> 00:14:03,609 Congregation: too-too, too-too-too 347 00:14:03,643 --> 00:14:05,478 Too-too-too, too-too-too 348 00:14:05,511 --> 00:14:09,182 Too, too, too, too... 349 00:14:15,821 --> 00:14:16,822 And now... 350 00:14:16,856 --> 00:14:19,425 It's... 351 00:14:21,627 --> 00:14:26,265 Monty python's flying circuseses. 352 00:15:21,020 --> 00:15:23,823 Right, sir, one safari snowball. 353 00:15:23,856 --> 00:15:25,658 That comes to funt1,361.48 354 00:15:25,691 --> 00:15:30,162 And we'll throw the nude man in for free. 355 00:15:30,196 --> 00:15:32,265 All right, gentlemen, last orders, please. 356 00:15:32,298 --> 00:15:34,534 Oh, do you want a drink before they close? 357 00:15:34,567 --> 00:15:35,568 No, I want a kiss. 358 00:15:35,601 --> 00:15:38,404 Oh, goody. 359 00:15:38,504 --> 00:15:41,774 And so they lived happily ever after. 360 00:15:41,807 --> 00:15:44,610 But now... 361 00:15:46,345 --> 00:15:51,918 The "free repetition of doubtful words skit, spoof, jape, or vignette" 362 00:15:51,951 --> 00:15:56,189 By a very underrated writer. 363 00:15:56,556 --> 00:15:57,790 I have come 364 00:15:57,823 --> 00:16:00,326 For some free repetition of doubtful words 365 00:16:00,359 --> 00:16:01,694 On an inland telegram. 366 00:16:01,727 --> 00:16:04,230 Have you the telegram in question? 367 00:16:04,263 --> 00:16:06,232 I have the very thing here. 368 00:16:06,265 --> 00:16:08,668 Well, slip it to me, my good chap 369 00:16:08,701 --> 00:16:10,703 And let me eye the contents. 370 00:16:10,736 --> 00:16:14,073 At once, mr. telegram enquiry man. 371 00:16:14,106 --> 00:16:17,977 Thank you, mr. customer man. 372 00:16:18,010 --> 00:16:20,646 Ha-ho! "parling, I glove you. 373 00:16:20,680 --> 00:16:23,015 "clease clome at bronce. 374 00:16:23,049 --> 00:16:25,484 Your troving swife, pat." 375 00:16:25,518 --> 00:16:29,422 Which was the word you wanted checking? 376 00:16:29,455 --> 00:16:30,423 "pat." 377 00:16:30,456 --> 00:16:31,490 "pat"? 378 00:16:31,524 --> 00:16:34,393 My wife's name is not pat at all. 379 00:16:34,427 --> 00:16:35,394 No? 380 00:16:35,428 --> 00:16:36,829 It's bat with a "b." 381 00:16:36,863 --> 00:16:38,698 And therefore I will take 382 00:16:38,731 --> 00:16:40,566 A quick look in the book. 383 00:16:40,600 --> 00:16:42,969 Ripping. 384 00:16:43,002 --> 00:16:44,737 You're quite right, old cock. 385 00:16:44,770 --> 00:16:46,305 There has been a mistake. 386 00:16:46,339 --> 00:16:47,607 I thought as much. 387 00:16:47,640 --> 00:16:49,342 What really does it say? 388 00:16:49,375 --> 00:16:52,745 It say, "go away, you silly little bleeder 389 00:16:52,778 --> 00:16:54,747 "I am having another man. 390 00:16:54,780 --> 00:16:55,748 Love, bat." 391 00:16:55,781 --> 00:16:57,183 Quite some error. 392 00:16:57,216 --> 00:16:59,585 Yes, she wouldn't call herself pat. 393 00:16:59,619 --> 00:17:00,586 It's silly. 394 00:17:00,620 --> 00:17:01,888 Daft, I call it. 395 00:17:01,921 --> 00:17:05,191 Well, it has been a pleasure working with you. 396 00:17:05,224 --> 00:17:07,760 For me, also, it has been a pleasure. 397 00:17:07,793 --> 00:17:12,598 And that concludes our little skit. 398 00:17:18,571 --> 00:17:21,474 The "free repetition of doubtful words thing" 399 00:17:21,507 --> 00:17:24,977 By a justly underrated writer. 400 00:17:25,011 --> 00:17:27,647 The end. 401 00:18:03,649 --> 00:18:05,918 Good evening, tonight on is there? 402 00:18:05,952 --> 00:18:09,722 We examine the question, "is there a life after death?" 403 00:18:09,755 --> 00:18:15,127 And here to discuss it are three dead people... 404 00:18:15,161 --> 00:18:16,863 The late sir brian hardaker 405 00:18:16,896 --> 00:18:20,600 Former curator of the imperial war museum 406 00:18:20,633 --> 00:18:22,468 The late professor thynne 407 00:18:22,502 --> 00:18:26,072 Until recently an academic critic and broadcaster 408 00:18:26,105 --> 00:18:28,708 And putting the point of view of the church of england 409 00:18:28,741 --> 00:18:31,777 The very late prebendary reverend ross. 410 00:18:31,811 --> 00:18:35,114 Gentlemen, is there a life after death or not? 411 00:18:35,147 --> 00:18:37,950 Sir brian? 412 00:18:43,756 --> 00:18:46,559 Professor? 413 00:18:50,596 --> 00:18:53,466 Prebendary? 414 00:18:54,834 --> 00:18:57,036 Well, there we have it-- three say "no." 415 00:18:57,069 --> 00:19:00,206 On is there? next week, we'll be discussing the question 416 00:19:00,239 --> 00:19:02,141 "is there enough of it about?" 417 00:19:02,175 --> 00:19:06,012 Until then, good night. 418 00:19:20,393 --> 00:19:21,360 Good doctor morning. 419 00:19:21,394 --> 00:19:22,962 Nice year for the time of day. 420 00:19:22,995 --> 00:19:23,963 Come in. 421 00:19:23,996 --> 00:19:25,731 Can I down sit? 422 00:19:25,765 --> 00:19:26,966 Certainly. 423 00:19:26,999 --> 00:19:28,501 Well, then? 424 00:19:28,534 --> 00:19:29,735 Well, I'm not going 425 00:19:29,769 --> 00:19:31,604 To bush the doctor about the beat too long. 426 00:19:31,637 --> 00:19:33,306 I'm going to come to point the straight immediately. 427 00:19:33,339 --> 00:19:34,373 Good, good. 428 00:19:34,407 --> 00:19:35,374 My particular prob 429 00:19:35,408 --> 00:19:36,876 Or buglem bear, I've had ages. 430 00:19:36,909 --> 00:19:38,644 For years, I've had it for donkeys. 431 00:19:38,678 --> 00:19:40,112 What? 432 00:19:40,146 --> 00:19:41,113 I'm up to here with it. 433 00:19:41,147 --> 00:19:42,215 I'm sick to death. 434 00:19:42,248 --> 00:19:43,382 I can't take you any longer 435 00:19:43,416 --> 00:19:44,517 So I've come to see it. 436 00:19:44,550 --> 00:19:46,018 Ah, now, this is your problem with words. 437 00:19:46,052 --> 00:19:48,321 This is my problem with words. 438 00:19:48,354 --> 00:19:50,957 Oh, that seems to have cleared it. 439 00:19:50,990 --> 00:19:53,459 Oh, I come from alabama with my banjo on my knee 440 00:19:53,492 --> 00:19:55,027 Yes, that seems to be all right. 441 00:19:55,061 --> 00:19:56,295 Thank you very much. 442 00:19:56,329 --> 00:19:58,197 I see, uh, but recently you have been having 443 00:19:58,231 --> 00:19:59,699 This problem with your word order. 444 00:19:59,732 --> 00:20:01,033 Well, absolutely, and what makes it worse 445 00:20:01,067 --> 00:20:02,435 Is that sometimes at the end of a sentence 446 00:20:02,468 --> 00:20:04,737 I'll come out with the wrong fuse box. 447 00:20:04,770 --> 00:20:06,105 "fuse box"? 448 00:20:06,138 --> 00:20:08,040 And the thing about saying the wrong word 449 00:20:08,074 --> 00:20:09,475 Is that "a," I don't notice it 450 00:20:09,509 --> 00:20:11,244 And "b," sometimes orange water given 451 00:20:11,277 --> 00:20:13,813 Bucket of plaster. 452 00:20:13,846 --> 00:20:15,715 Yes, tell me more about your problem. 453 00:20:15,748 --> 00:20:17,283 Well, as I say, you'd just be talking 454 00:20:17,316 --> 00:20:18,718 And out'll pudenda the wrong word 455 00:20:18,751 --> 00:20:19,752 And ashtray's your uncle. 456 00:20:19,785 --> 00:20:21,153 I'm awfully strawberry about it. 457 00:20:21,187 --> 00:20:22,188 Upset? 458 00:20:22,221 --> 00:20:23,322 It's so embarrassing 459 00:20:23,356 --> 00:20:24,524 When my wife and i go to an orgy. 460 00:20:24,557 --> 00:20:25,525 A party? 461 00:20:25,558 --> 00:20:26,726 No, an orgy. 462 00:20:26,759 --> 00:20:28,394 We live in esher. 463 00:20:28,427 --> 00:20:30,129 Quite. 464 00:20:30,162 --> 00:20:31,330 That's what I said. 465 00:20:31,364 --> 00:20:32,865 It's such a bloody whack the diddle-o 466 00:20:32,899 --> 00:20:34,700 Fal-di-ral, fa-di-da, lo-di-do-di-do-fum-fum. 467 00:20:34,734 --> 00:20:37,236 Mr. burrows, this is no common problem. 468 00:20:37,270 --> 00:20:39,839 You are suffering from a disease so rare 469 00:20:39,872 --> 00:20:42,175 That it hasn't got a name-- not yet. 470 00:20:42,208 --> 00:20:43,843 But it will have, oh, yes! 471 00:20:43,876 --> 00:20:46,913 This is the opportunity I've been waiting for-- 472 00:20:46,946 --> 00:20:48,814 The chance of a lifetime! 473 00:20:48,848 --> 00:20:51,584 I'll show them at the royal college of surgeons. 474 00:20:51,617 --> 00:20:53,719 I'll make them sit up and take notice. 475 00:20:53,753 --> 00:20:55,154 Thripshaw's disease! 476 00:20:55,188 --> 00:20:57,823 Discovered by e. henry thripshaw, m.d. 477 00:20:57,857 --> 00:21:01,894 I'll be invited on call my bluff, and the merchandising-- 478 00:21:01,928 --> 00:21:04,730 There'll be e. henry thripshaw t-shirts! 479 00:21:04,764 --> 00:21:06,532 I'll turn it into a game! 480 00:21:06,566 --> 00:21:10,636 I'll sell the film rights! 481 00:21:46,138 --> 00:21:52,712 That clip... comes from the new david o. seltzer... film. 482 00:21:53,679 --> 00:21:56,182 The author... 483 00:21:56,215 --> 00:21:58,584 Of that film clip... 484 00:21:58,618 --> 00:22:00,586 Is with me... 485 00:22:00,620 --> 00:22:02,788 Now. 486 00:22:02,822 --> 00:22:06,025 Dr. e. henry... 487 00:22:06,626 --> 00:22:09,328 Thripshaw. 488 00:22:09,362 --> 00:22:15,034 Well, I feel that they've missed the whole point of my disease. 489 00:22:15,067 --> 00:22:17,370 This is... 490 00:22:17,403 --> 00:22:20,740 Always the problem... with... 491 00:22:20,773 --> 00:22:22,808 Directors... 492 00:22:22,842 --> 00:22:25,178 Of film... 493 00:22:25,211 --> 00:22:27,313 Clips. 494 00:22:27,346 --> 00:22:28,648 Yes, well, you see 495 00:22:28,681 --> 00:22:31,117 They've dragged in all this irrelevant mush. 496 00:22:31,150 --> 00:22:33,719 What... 497 00:22:33,719 --> 00:22:36,989 Are you doing... 498 00:22:37,456 --> 00:22:39,058 Now? 499 00:22:39,091 --> 00:22:42,261 Well, at the present moment, I'm working on a new disease 500 00:22:42,295 --> 00:22:45,998 Which I hope to turn into a musical... 501 00:22:46,032 --> 00:22:49,602 But primarily, we are working on a remake of my first disease 502 00:22:49,635 --> 00:22:52,338 And this time we're hoping to do it properly. 503 00:22:52,371 --> 00:22:54,574 Well... 504 00:22:54,607 --> 00:22:56,809 Let's just... 505 00:22:56,843 --> 00:22:58,511 Take a... 506 00:22:58,544 --> 00:23:00,746 Look at this new... 507 00:23:00,780 --> 00:23:03,349 Film... 508 00:23:04,617 --> 00:23:07,019 Clip. 509 00:23:18,431 --> 00:23:23,536 Well, now, what seems to be the matter? 510 00:23:23,636 --> 00:23:29,475 The next sketch follows after some silly noises. 511 00:23:47,493 --> 00:23:49,395 Come in. 512 00:23:49,428 --> 00:23:50,897 I wondered if I could have 513 00:23:50,930 --> 00:23:52,532 A word with you for a moment. 514 00:23:52,565 --> 00:23:54,367 By all means, by all means, sir. 515 00:23:54,400 --> 00:23:55,868 Do sit down. 516 00:23:55,902 --> 00:23:57,570 Uh... sit on the desk here. 517 00:23:57,603 --> 00:23:58,571 Oh, thank you. 518 00:23:58,604 --> 00:24:00,106 Now then, glass of sherry? 519 00:24:00,139 --> 00:24:01,107 No, thank you. 520 00:24:01,140 --> 00:24:02,108 Are you sure? 521 00:24:02,141 --> 00:24:03,376 I'm going to have some. 522 00:24:03,409 --> 00:24:04,911 Well, if you're having some 523 00:24:04,944 --> 00:24:06,312 Yes, then perhaps, vicar. 524 00:24:06,345 --> 00:24:09,148 Oh, there's only just enough for me. 525 00:24:09,182 --> 00:24:10,149 Well, in that case 526 00:24:10,183 --> 00:24:11,150 I won't, don't worry. 527 00:24:11,184 --> 00:24:12,418 You see, if I split what's left 528 00:24:12,451 --> 00:24:14,353 Well, there'd hardly be any left for me at all. 529 00:24:14,387 --> 00:24:15,821 Well, I'm not a great sherry drinker. 530 00:24:15,855 --> 00:24:16,956 Good, so I can have it all. 531 00:24:16,989 --> 00:24:19,158 Now then, what's the problem? 532 00:24:19,192 --> 00:24:20,660 Well, just recently 533 00:24:20,693 --> 00:24:22,795 I've begun to worry about... 534 00:24:22,828 --> 00:24:24,063 Oh! 535 00:24:24,096 --> 00:24:25,398 Found another bottle. 536 00:24:25,431 --> 00:24:27,667 You can have some now if you want to. 537 00:24:27,700 --> 00:24:29,936 Oh, well then, yes, perhaps a little. 538 00:24:29,969 --> 00:24:31,904 Oh, you don't have to, I can drink the whole bottle. 539 00:24:31,938 --> 00:24:33,973 Um, in that case, no. 540 00:24:34,006 --> 00:24:35,908 Good, that's another bottle for me-- right. 541 00:24:35,942 --> 00:24:39,212 I've begun to worry recently that... 542 00:24:39,245 --> 00:24:41,781 Come in! 543 00:24:41,814 --> 00:24:42,982 Vicar: ah, mr. husband. 544 00:24:43,015 --> 00:24:45,084 This is mr. kirkham, one of my parishioners. 545 00:24:45,117 --> 00:24:46,118 This is mr. husband 546 00:24:46,152 --> 00:24:47,753 Of the british sherry corporation. 547 00:24:47,787 --> 00:24:49,922 Look, look, perhaps I better come back later. 548 00:24:49,956 --> 00:24:51,123 No, no, no, do stay here. 549 00:24:51,157 --> 00:24:52,191 Have a sherry. 550 00:24:52,225 --> 00:24:53,960 You won't be long, will you, husband? 551 00:24:53,993 --> 00:24:55,428 Oh, no, vicar, just a question 552 00:24:55,461 --> 00:24:56,529 Of signing a few forms. 553 00:24:56,562 --> 00:24:57,530 There we are. 554 00:24:57,563 --> 00:24:58,931 There we are, mr. husband. 555 00:24:58,965 --> 00:25:00,700 Now, how about you, mr. kirkham? 556 00:25:00,733 --> 00:25:02,034 Well, only if there's enough. 557 00:25:02,068 --> 00:25:03,436 Ah, well, there's not much now. 558 00:25:03,469 --> 00:25:05,905 Oh... in that case, no, I won't. 559 00:25:05,938 --> 00:25:06,906 Good. right. 560 00:25:06,939 --> 00:25:08,007 Right, now then. 561 00:25:08,040 --> 00:25:10,009 What is the problem, husband? 562 00:25:10,042 --> 00:25:12,645 Well, vicar, I've made enquiries with our shippers 563 00:25:12,678 --> 00:25:15,248 And the most sherry they can ship in any one load 564 00:25:15,281 --> 00:25:17,116 Is 12,000 gallons. 565 00:25:17,149 --> 00:25:19,285 And how many glasses is that? 566 00:25:19,318 --> 00:25:22,889 That's roughly 540,000 glasses, vicar. 567 00:25:22,922 --> 00:25:24,524 That's excellent, husband, excellent. 568 00:25:24,557 --> 00:25:26,926 Yes, it means you can still keep your main sherry supply 569 00:25:26,959 --> 00:25:29,028 On the roof, but you can have an emergency supply 570 00:25:29,061 --> 00:25:30,763 Underneath the vestry, of 5,000 gallons. 571 00:25:30,796 --> 00:25:32,565 Or I could have dry sherry on the roof 572 00:25:32,598 --> 00:25:34,467 And amontillado in the underground tank. 573 00:25:34,500 --> 00:25:35,468 Absolutely. 574 00:25:35,501 --> 00:25:36,469 Excellent work, husband 575 00:25:36,502 --> 00:25:37,470 Excellent work. 576 00:25:37,503 --> 00:25:38,504 Not at all, vicar. 577 00:25:38,538 --> 00:25:40,039 You're one of our best customers-- 578 00:25:40,072 --> 00:25:42,175 You and the united states. 579 00:25:42,208 --> 00:25:43,609 Bye-bye, terrific. 580 00:25:43,643 --> 00:25:46,112 Now, then, mr. kirkham, I am so sorry, do go on. 581 00:25:46,145 --> 00:25:47,580 Well, it's just that recently 582 00:25:47,613 --> 00:25:49,048 I've begun to worry about... 583 00:25:49,081 --> 00:25:50,983 Well, look, does the bible intend... 584 00:25:51,017 --> 00:25:52,151 Amontillado! 585 00:25:52,185 --> 00:25:53,152 Amontillado! 586 00:25:53,186 --> 00:25:55,254 Amontillado! 587 00:25:55,288 --> 00:25:56,255 Hey, hey, hey! 588 00:25:56,289 --> 00:25:59,258 Amontillado! 589 00:25:59,625 --> 00:26:02,495 Amontillado! 590 00:26:02,528 --> 00:26:08,367 From the old land of spain, we come to honor you 591 00:26:08,734 --> 00:26:11,938 Arriba! arriba! 592 00:26:12,238 --> 00:26:17,510 From miles and miles away, we salute you. 593 00:26:20,346 --> 00:26:23,950 You make us so, so happy in spain 594 00:26:23,983 --> 00:26:26,986 Reverend tomlinson... 595 00:26:27,019 --> 00:26:27,987 Ole! 596 00:26:28,020 --> 00:26:28,988 What did you want? 597 00:26:29,021 --> 00:26:30,156 Dirty books, please. 598 00:26:30,189 --> 00:26:32,658 Right. 599 00:27:26,846 --> 00:27:29,749 E. henry thripshaw t-shirts are now available 600 00:27:29,782 --> 00:27:31,083 From bbc enterprises.