1 00:00:07,809 --> 00:00:10,879 Good evening, we've got an action-packed evening for you 2 00:00:10,912 --> 00:00:12,247 Tonight on thames. 3 00:00:12,280 --> 00:00:18,053 But right now, here's a rotten old bbc program. 4 00:00:18,853 --> 00:00:20,255 And now... 5 00:00:20,288 --> 00:00:22,857 It's... 6 00:00:52,120 --> 00:00:55,757 Ladies and gentlemen... 7 00:00:55,790 --> 00:00:59,027 Mr. chairman, friends of the society 8 00:00:59,060 --> 00:01:03,131 Your dummy royal highness. 9 00:01:03,431 --> 00:01:04,566 Once again 10 00:01:04,599 --> 00:01:07,302 The year has come full circle 11 00:01:07,335 --> 00:01:12,440 And for me there can be no greater privilege and honor 12 00:01:12,474 --> 00:01:15,577 Than to that to which it is my lot 13 00:01:15,610 --> 00:01:18,446 To have befallen this evening. 14 00:01:18,480 --> 00:01:20,982 There can be no finer honor 15 00:01:21,016 --> 00:01:24,452 Than to welcome into our midst tonight 16 00:01:24,486 --> 00:01:27,589 A guest who has not only done 17 00:01:27,622 --> 00:01:31,960 Only more than not anyone for our society 18 00:01:31,993 --> 00:01:36,865 But nonetheless, has only done more. 19 00:01:36,965 --> 00:01:41,803 He started in the film industry in 1924; 20 00:01:41,836 --> 00:01:45,140 He started again in 1946; 21 00:01:45,173 --> 00:01:48,944 And, finally, in 1963. 22 00:01:48,977 --> 00:01:52,314 He has been dead for four years 23 00:01:52,347 --> 00:01:55,584 But he has not let that prevent him 24 00:01:55,617 --> 00:01:58,486 From coming here this evening. 25 00:01:58,520 --> 00:02:02,357 Ladies and gentlemen... 26 00:02:02,624 --> 00:02:05,660 No welcome could be more heartfelt 27 00:02:05,694 --> 00:02:08,563 Than that which I have no doubt 28 00:02:08,597 --> 00:02:12,500 You will all want to join with me in giving 29 00:02:12,534 --> 00:02:16,538 This great showbiz stiff. 30 00:02:17,706 --> 00:02:19,307 Ladies and gentlemen 31 00:02:19,341 --> 00:02:25,347 To read the nominations for the "light entertainment" award 32 00:02:25,380 --> 00:02:30,585 The remains of the late sir alan waddle. 33 00:02:49,638 --> 00:02:51,473 The nominations are: 34 00:02:51,506 --> 00:02:57,112 Mr. edward heath for "the new suit sketch"... 35 00:03:00,682 --> 00:03:04,219 Mr. richard baker for "lemon curry"... 36 00:03:04,252 --> 00:03:07,222 Lemon curry? 37 00:03:10,692 --> 00:03:15,630 And the third parachute brigade amateur dramatic society 38 00:03:15,664 --> 00:03:19,968 For "the oscar wilde sketch." 39 00:03:30,745 --> 00:03:32,113 My congratulations, wilde. 40 00:03:32,147 --> 00:03:33,982 Your latest play is a great success. 41 00:03:34,015 --> 00:03:36,084 The whole of london's talking about you. 42 00:03:36,117 --> 00:03:38,019 There is only one thing in the world 43 00:03:38,053 --> 00:03:39,588 Worse than being talked about 44 00:03:39,621 --> 00:03:44,426 And that is not being talked about. 45 00:03:55,103 --> 00:03:59,641 Very, very witty, very, very witty. 46 00:03:59,674 --> 00:04:01,209 There is only one thing in the world 47 00:04:01,243 --> 00:04:07,415 Worse than being witty, and that is not being witty. 48 00:04:13,922 --> 00:04:16,024 I wish I had said that. 49 00:04:16,057 --> 00:04:19,160 You will, oscar, you will. 50 00:04:19,194 --> 00:04:22,397 Your majesty, have you met james mcneill whistler? 51 00:04:22,430 --> 00:04:24,432 Yes, we've played squash together. 52 00:04:24,466 --> 00:04:27,836 There is only one thing worse than playing squash together 53 00:04:27,869 --> 00:04:32,674 And that is playing it by yourself. 54 00:04:33,241 --> 00:04:35,410 I wish I hadn't said that. 55 00:04:35,443 --> 00:04:36,745 You did, oscar, you did. 56 00:04:36,778 --> 00:04:39,648 Well, I've got to get back up the palace. 57 00:04:39,681 --> 00:04:42,317 You majesty is like a big jam doughnut 58 00:04:42,350 --> 00:04:43,985 With cream on the top. 59 00:04:44,019 --> 00:04:46,154 I beg your pardon? 60 00:04:46,187 --> 00:04:48,590 Um... 61 00:04:49,024 --> 00:04:50,759 It... it was one of whistler's. 62 00:04:50,792 --> 00:04:52,127 I never said that. 63 00:04:52,160 --> 00:04:54,062 You did, james, you did. 64 00:04:54,095 --> 00:04:55,463 Well... uh... 65 00:04:55,497 --> 00:04:56,798 Well, your highness 66 00:04:56,831 --> 00:04:59,768 What I meant was that, like a doughnut, um... 67 00:04:59,801 --> 00:05:01,770 Your arrival gives us pleasure 68 00:05:01,803 --> 00:05:07,709 And your departure only makes us hungry for more. 69 00:05:11,880 --> 00:05:13,582 Your highness, you are also 70 00:05:13,615 --> 00:05:15,450 Like a stream of bat's piss. 71 00:05:15,483 --> 00:05:16,451 What?! 72 00:05:16,484 --> 00:05:17,586 It is one of wilde's. 73 00:05:17,619 --> 00:05:19,187 It sodding was not! 74 00:05:19,221 --> 00:05:22,190 It was shaw! 75 00:05:23,725 --> 00:05:25,994 I... I merely meant, your majesty 76 00:05:26,027 --> 00:05:30,599 That you shine out like a shaft of gold when all around is dark. 77 00:05:30,632 --> 00:05:32,867 Oh... 78 00:05:32,901 --> 00:05:33,868 Right. 79 00:05:33,902 --> 00:05:34,970 Smart ass. 80 00:05:35,003 --> 00:05:35,971 Right? 81 00:05:36,004 --> 00:05:39,441 Your majesty is like a dose of clap. 82 00:05:39,474 --> 00:05:42,077 Before you arrive is pleasure 83 00:05:42,110 --> 00:05:43,912 And after is a pain in the dong. 84 00:05:43,945 --> 00:05:44,980 What?! 85 00:05:45,013 --> 00:05:45,981 One of shaw's. one of 86 00:05:46,014 --> 00:05:47,883 One of shaw's. 87 00:05:47,916 --> 00:05:50,952 You bastards. 88 00:05:51,253 --> 00:05:54,623 Um... what I meant, your majesty, what I meant... 89 00:05:54,656 --> 00:05:55,857 We've got him, jim. 90 00:05:55,891 --> 00:05:57,359 Come on, shawy. 91 00:05:57,392 --> 00:05:58,560 Come on, shawy. 92 00:05:58,593 --> 00:06:00,061 I merely meant... 93 00:06:00,095 --> 00:06:01,229 Come one, shawy! 94 00:06:01,263 --> 00:06:02,797 Let's have a bit of wit, then, man. 95 00:06:02,831 --> 00:06:06,034 Come on, shawy. 96 00:06:41,503 --> 00:06:42,971 Very amusing, lord campbell 97 00:06:43,004 --> 00:06:44,906 But would you excuse me a moment? 98 00:06:44,940 --> 00:06:48,944 I want to powder my nose. 99 00:07:20,041 --> 00:07:23,178 That's better. 100 00:07:28,817 --> 00:07:31,253 Charwoman! 101 00:07:31,286 --> 00:07:33,822 Yes! charwoman! 102 00:07:33,855 --> 00:07:37,559 Sweeping away the last remnants of male chauvinism 103 00:07:37,592 --> 00:07:41,062 Polishing off all who dare stand in her way 104 00:07:41,096 --> 00:07:44,165 And cleaning up in the publishing game. 105 00:07:44,199 --> 00:07:46,034 Yes, all these and more 106 00:07:46,067 --> 00:07:51,339 As charwoman once again takes to the sky! 107 00:07:57,512 --> 00:07:59,614 Well, maybe next week. 108 00:07:59,648 --> 00:08:01,550 Ladies and gentlemen 109 00:08:01,583 --> 00:08:06,655 Seldom can it have been a greater pleasure and privilege 110 00:08:06,688 --> 00:08:11,660 Than it is for me now to announce that the next award 111 00:08:11,693 --> 00:08:16,932 Gave me the great pleasure and privilege of asking a man 112 00:08:16,965 --> 00:08:21,469 Without whose ceaseless energy and tireless skill 113 00:08:21,503 --> 00:08:26,775 The british film industry would be today. 114 00:08:27,175 --> 00:08:34,282 I refer, of course, to my friend and colleague, mr. david niven. 115 00:08:38,253 --> 00:08:43,191 Sadly, david niven cannot be with us tonight 116 00:08:43,225 --> 00:08:47,395 But he has sent his fridge. 117 00:08:53,134 --> 00:08:55,103 This is the fridge 118 00:08:55,136 --> 00:09:00,809 In which david keeps most of his milk, butter and eggs. 119 00:09:00,842 --> 00:09:04,179 What a typically selfless gesture 120 00:09:04,212 --> 00:09:09,718 That he should send this fridge, of all of his fridges 121 00:09:09,751 --> 00:09:13,521 To be with us tonight. 122 00:09:14,256 --> 00:09:16,758 The nominations 123 00:09:16,791 --> 00:09:20,428 For the "best foreign film director" are: 124 00:09:20,462 --> 00:09:23,932 Monsieur richard attenborough 125 00:09:23,965 --> 00:09:27,102 Ricardo de attenbergie 126 00:09:27,135 --> 00:09:29,938 Rik artenborough 127 00:09:29,971 --> 00:09:33,575 Ri chard at en bollo 128 00:09:34,809 --> 00:09:38,680 And pier paolo pasolini. 129 00:09:38,713 --> 00:09:42,417 Before we hear the joint winner 130 00:09:42,450 --> 00:09:46,421 Let's see the one that came sixth. 131 00:09:46,454 --> 00:09:52,060 Let us see pier paolo pasolini's latest film. 132 00:10:22,791 --> 00:10:25,260 Mmm... 133 00:10:25,927 --> 00:10:28,396 Mmm... 134 00:10:28,563 --> 00:10:30,232 Mmm... 135 00:10:30,265 --> 00:10:32,601 Mmm. 136 00:10:36,371 --> 00:10:39,174 Excuse me. 137 00:10:41,443 --> 00:10:43,678 Ha! 138 00:10:48,383 --> 00:10:50,318 There's lots of people making love 139 00:10:50,352 --> 00:10:51,786 But there's no mention 140 00:10:51,820 --> 00:10:53,288 Of geoff boycott's average. 141 00:10:53,321 --> 00:10:55,724 Who is geoff boycott? 142 00:10:55,757 --> 00:10:58,026 And in t'film, we get fred titmus. 143 00:10:58,059 --> 00:10:59,361 Si, titmus, si, si... 144 00:10:59,394 --> 00:11:01,029 The symbol of man's regeneration 145 00:11:01,062 --> 00:11:02,931 Through radical marxism, fair enough. 146 00:11:02,964 --> 00:11:04,466 But we never once get a chance 147 00:11:04,499 --> 00:11:05,967 To see him turn his off-breaks 148 00:11:06,001 --> 00:11:08,270 On that brisbane sticky. 149 00:11:08,303 --> 00:11:09,838 Aye, and what were all that dancing 150 00:11:09,871 --> 00:11:11,373 Through ray illinworth's innings? 151 00:11:11,406 --> 00:11:13,808 47 not out, and the bird comes up 152 00:11:13,842 --> 00:11:15,744 And feeds him some grapes. 153 00:11:15,777 --> 00:11:17,546 And we never saw him declare. 154 00:11:17,579 --> 00:11:18,947 What is declare? 155 00:11:18,980 --> 00:11:22,984 What's on the other side? 156 00:11:23,585 --> 00:11:27,656 Nobody could be prouder... 157 00:11:29,090 --> 00:11:31,826 Um... shall we go down and give blood? 158 00:11:31,860 --> 00:11:35,196 Oh, I don't want a great bat flapping around my neck. 159 00:11:35,230 --> 00:11:36,565 They don't do it like that! 160 00:11:36,598 --> 00:11:37,999 They take it from your arm. 161 00:11:38,033 --> 00:11:39,067 I can't give it. 162 00:11:39,100 --> 00:11:40,735 I caught swamp fever in the tropics. 163 00:11:40,769 --> 00:11:42,938 You've never even been to the tropics. 164 00:11:42,971 --> 00:11:44,940 You've never been south of sidcup. 165 00:11:44,973 --> 00:11:47,676 You can catch it off lampposts. 166 00:11:47,709 --> 00:11:48,743 Catch what? 167 00:11:48,777 --> 00:11:50,912 Oh, I don't know, I'm all confused. 168 00:11:50,946 --> 00:11:52,981 You ought to go and see a psychiatrist. 169 00:11:53,014 --> 00:11:54,349 You're a loony. 170 00:11:54,382 --> 00:11:56,284 You might even need a new brain. 171 00:11:56,318 --> 00:11:58,587 Oh, I couldn't afford a whole new brain. 172 00:11:58,620 --> 00:12:01,456 Well, you could get one of those curry's brains. 173 00:12:01,489 --> 00:12:02,624 How much are they? 174 00:12:02,657 --> 00:12:03,658 I don't know. 175 00:12:03,692 --> 00:12:05,493 I'll have a look in the catalogue. 176 00:12:05,527 --> 00:12:06,528 Here we are... 177 00:12:06,561 --> 00:12:08,697 Battery lights, dynamo lights 178 00:12:08,730 --> 00:12:09,931 Rear lights... 179 00:12:09,965 --> 00:12:11,366 Brains-- here we are. 180 00:12:11,399 --> 00:12:12,567 I'm still confused. 181 00:12:12,601 --> 00:12:14,436 Oh, there's a nice one here. 182 00:12:14,469 --> 00:12:17,038 13 and six-- it's one of curry's own brains. 183 00:12:17,072 --> 00:12:18,807 That one looks nice, what's that? 184 00:12:18,840 --> 00:12:19,908 That's a mudguard! 185 00:12:19,941 --> 00:12:21,076 It's only eight bob. 186 00:12:21,109 --> 00:12:22,377 Oh, I think it's worth 187 00:12:22,410 --> 00:12:24,312 The extra five bob for the brain. 188 00:12:24,346 --> 00:12:28,116 I'll give them a ring. 189 00:12:29,417 --> 00:12:30,952 Hello, curry's? 190 00:12:30,986 --> 00:12:35,590 I'd like to try one of your 13 and sixpenny brains, please. 191 00:12:35,624 --> 00:12:36,625 Yes. 192 00:12:36,658 --> 00:12:37,792 Yes... 193 00:12:37,826 --> 00:12:39,661 Yes, ye... um... 194 00:12:39,694 --> 00:12:42,697 Five and a half. 195 00:12:42,731 --> 00:12:43,999 Thank you. 196 00:12:44,032 --> 00:12:47,335 They're sending someone round. 197 00:12:47,369 --> 00:12:48,336 Ooh, that was quick. 198 00:12:48,370 --> 00:12:49,437 Come in. 199 00:12:49,471 --> 00:12:51,072 Uh... hello. 200 00:12:51,106 --> 00:12:53,942 Mr. and mrs. and mrs. zambezi? 201 00:12:53,975 --> 00:12:55,076 Yes, that's right. 202 00:12:55,110 --> 00:12:56,845 Are you the man from curry's? 203 00:12:56,878 --> 00:13:02,551 No, I've just come to say that he's on his way. 204 00:13:02,584 --> 00:13:04,819 Would you sign this please? 205 00:13:04,853 --> 00:13:07,022 Thank you very much. 206 00:13:07,055 --> 00:13:08,189 Ooh... 207 00:13:08,223 --> 00:13:09,190 Thank you. 208 00:13:09,224 --> 00:13:10,191 Sorry. 209 00:13:10,225 --> 00:13:11,359 Sorry to bother you. 210 00:13:11,393 --> 00:13:12,527 Thank you. 211 00:13:12,561 --> 00:13:15,363 Thank you. 212 00:13:16,398 --> 00:13:18,466 He's just coming now. 213 00:13:18,500 --> 00:13:20,068 Come in. 214 00:13:20,101 --> 00:13:22,971 Here he is. 215 00:13:27,275 --> 00:13:29,277 Hello? 216 00:13:29,311 --> 00:13:31,780 Hello! 217 00:13:32,280 --> 00:13:33,715 That's not a proper salesman. 218 00:13:33,748 --> 00:13:35,217 I'm not buying one from him. 219 00:13:35,250 --> 00:13:36,885 He doesn't give you confidence. 220 00:13:36,918 --> 00:13:39,521 He doesn't give me any confidence at all. 221 00:13:39,554 --> 00:13:41,056 He's obviously a dummy. 222 00:13:41,089 --> 00:13:43,258 I'll ring curry's. 223 00:13:43,291 --> 00:13:44,693 Hello, curry's? 224 00:13:44,726 --> 00:13:48,863 That salesman you sent round is obviously a dummy. 225 00:13:48,897 --> 00:13:50,932 Oh, thank you very much. 226 00:13:50,966 --> 00:13:53,735 They're sending round a real one. 227 00:13:53,768 --> 00:13:54,502 Come in. 228 00:13:54,536 --> 00:13:55,503 Good morning. 229 00:13:55,537 --> 00:13:57,272 Mr. and mrs. and mrs. zambezi? 230 00:13:57,305 --> 00:13:58,006 Yes, that's right. 231 00:13:58,039 --> 00:13:59,407 Yes, that's right. 232 00:13:59,441 --> 00:14:00,508 Yes, that's right. 233 00:14:00,542 --> 00:14:02,077 All right, rutherford. 234 00:14:02,110 --> 00:14:05,247 I'll take over. 235 00:14:05,280 --> 00:14:07,048 Ooh, that's nice! 236 00:14:07,082 --> 00:14:08,550 Yes, we sell a lot of these. 237 00:14:08,583 --> 00:14:10,185 Right, shall we try a fitting? 238 00:14:10,218 --> 00:14:12,120 Oh, do I have to have an operation? 239 00:14:12,153 --> 00:14:13,889 No, madam, you just strap it on. 240 00:14:13,922 --> 00:14:15,357 Doesn't it go inside my head? 241 00:14:15,390 --> 00:14:17,025 Oh, not the roadster, madam, no. 242 00:14:17,058 --> 00:14:19,060 You're thinking of the brainette major. 243 00:14:19,094 --> 00:14:20,161 How much is that? 244 00:14:20,195 --> 00:14:21,162 44 and six. 245 00:14:21,196 --> 00:14:22,664 Oh, no, it's not worth it. 246 00:14:22,697 --> 00:14:25,100 Not with the curry's surgery we use, no, madam. 247 00:14:25,133 --> 00:14:26,468 Now then, the best bet is 248 00:14:26,501 --> 00:14:28,236 The bertrand russell super silver. 249 00:14:28,270 --> 00:14:29,437 That's a real beauty-- 250 00:14:29,471 --> 00:14:31,206 250 quid plus hospital treatment. 251 00:14:31,239 --> 00:14:32,240 Ooh, that's a lot. 252 00:14:32,274 --> 00:14:34,442 It's color. right. 253 00:14:34,476 --> 00:14:36,912 One, two, three, testing, testing. 254 00:14:36,945 --> 00:14:38,547 Mince pie for me, please. 255 00:14:38,580 --> 00:14:40,081 What did she say that for? 256 00:14:40,115 --> 00:14:41,616 Quiet, please, it's not adjusted yet. 257 00:14:41,650 --> 00:14:43,718 Oh, I am enjoying this rickshaw ride. 258 00:14:43,752 --> 00:14:46,421 I've been a tory all my life, my life, my life. 259 00:14:46,454 --> 00:14:47,722 Good morning, mr. presley. 260 00:14:47,756 --> 00:14:49,724 How well you look, you look very well. 261 00:14:49,758 --> 00:14:52,961 Our cruising speed is 610 miles per hour. 262 00:14:52,994 --> 00:14:54,829 Well, well, well, boys. 263 00:14:54,863 --> 00:14:56,331 Well, well, ell... 264 00:14:56,364 --> 00:14:57,599 Hello, hello... dear. 265 00:14:57,632 --> 00:14:58,667 Hello, dear! 266 00:14:58,700 --> 00:14:59,734 Oh! 267 00:14:59,768 --> 00:15:00,902 Right. 268 00:15:00,936 --> 00:15:03,471 One, two, three... 269 00:15:03,505 --> 00:15:04,573 Eight... seven... 270 00:15:04,606 --> 00:15:05,574 Four. 271 00:15:05,607 --> 00:15:06,608 Good. 272 00:15:06,641 --> 00:15:08,410 Oh, she never knew that before. 273 00:15:08,443 --> 00:15:09,711 Quiet, please. 274 00:15:09,744 --> 00:15:14,149 Mrs. zambezi, who wrote the theory of relativity? 275 00:15:14,182 --> 00:15:15,150 I know, I know! 276 00:15:15,183 --> 00:15:15,984 Quiet, please. 277 00:15:16,017 --> 00:15:19,454 Einstain, einstone 278 00:15:19,487 --> 00:15:21,423 Einsteen, einston 279 00:15:21,456 --> 00:15:23,225 Einstin, einstin... einstein. 280 00:15:23,258 --> 00:15:24,259 Good. 281 00:15:24,292 --> 00:15:25,961 Noel einstein. 282 00:15:25,994 --> 00:15:27,963 Right-- that'll be 13 and six, please. 283 00:15:27,996 --> 00:15:29,264 Oh, that's marvelous! 284 00:15:29,297 --> 00:15:30,765 She can take it off at night 285 00:15:30,799 --> 00:15:32,667 Unless she wants to read, of course. 286 00:15:32,701 --> 00:15:34,569 And don't ask her too many questions 287 00:15:34,603 --> 00:15:35,704 Because it'll get hot. 288 00:15:35,737 --> 00:15:37,072 If you do have any trouble 289 00:15:37,105 --> 00:15:38,073 Here's my card. 290 00:15:38,106 --> 00:15:39,441 Give us a ring. 291 00:15:39,474 --> 00:15:41,610 Give us a ring and either myself or mr. rutherford 292 00:15:41,643 --> 00:15:42,711 Will come and see you. 293 00:15:42,744 --> 00:15:43,845 Good-bye. 294 00:15:43,879 --> 00:15:46,915 Thank you very much. 295 00:15:46,948 --> 00:15:50,552 Uh... he's gone now. 296 00:15:51,353 --> 00:15:53,622 Uh, shall we, uh... 297 00:15:53,655 --> 00:15:55,056 Go down and give blood? 298 00:15:55,090 --> 00:15:56,458 Yes, please, mr. roosevelt 299 00:15:56,491 --> 00:15:58,727 But try and keep the noise to a minimum. 300 00:15:58,760 --> 00:15:59,928 Oh, that's good. 301 00:15:59,961 --> 00:16:01,630 I'll go and get your coat for you. 302 00:16:01,663 --> 00:16:03,932 I'm quite warm in this stick of celery 303 00:16:03,965 --> 00:16:07,168 Thank you, senator muskie. 304 00:16:07,202 --> 00:16:08,904 Stapling machine, mr. clarke. 305 00:16:08,937 --> 00:16:11,039 New brain. 306 00:16:11,072 --> 00:16:13,108 Stapling machine, mrs. worral. 307 00:16:13,141 --> 00:16:14,976 Stapling machine, mrs. zambezi. 308 00:16:15,010 --> 00:16:17,312 Are you sure that's working all right? 309 00:16:17,345 --> 00:16:19,214 Yes, thank you, it's marvelous. 310 00:16:19,247 --> 00:16:20,248 Thank you. 311 00:16:20,282 --> 00:16:21,283 I think if we can win 312 00:16:21,316 --> 00:16:22,851 One or two of the early primaries 313 00:16:22,884 --> 00:16:25,320 We could split the urban republican vote wide open. 314 00:16:25,353 --> 00:16:26,488 Um, here we are, then. 315 00:16:26,521 --> 00:16:28,823 Well, being president of the united states 316 00:16:28,857 --> 00:16:31,126 Is something I shall have to think about. 317 00:16:31,159 --> 00:16:32,761 Blood donors that way, please. 318 00:16:32,794 --> 00:16:34,162 Oh, thank you very much. 319 00:16:34,195 --> 00:16:36,998 Thank you. 320 00:16:38,266 --> 00:16:40,669 What? 321 00:16:42,204 --> 00:16:44,439 No. 322 00:16:44,973 --> 00:16:48,743 No, I'm sorry, but no. 323 00:16:49,744 --> 00:16:51,446 No, you may not give urine 324 00:16:51,479 --> 00:16:54,449 Instead of blood. 325 00:16:54,482 --> 00:16:57,319 No, well, I don't care if you want to. 326 00:16:57,352 --> 00:16:59,988 No, there's no such thing as a urine bank. 327 00:17:00,021 --> 00:17:00,989 Please. 328 00:17:01,022 --> 00:17:02,457 No, we have no call for it. 329 00:17:02,490 --> 00:17:03,825 We have quite enough of it 330 00:17:03,858 --> 00:17:06,261 Without volunteers coming in here donating it. 331 00:17:06,294 --> 00:17:07,295 Just a specimen. 332 00:17:07,329 --> 00:17:08,897 No, we don't want a specimen. 333 00:17:08,930 --> 00:17:10,999 We either want your blood or nothing. 334 00:17:11,032 --> 00:17:13,535 I'll give you some blood if you'll give me... 335 00:17:13,568 --> 00:17:14,569 What? 336 00:17:14,603 --> 00:17:15,904 A thing to do some urine in. 337 00:17:15,937 --> 00:17:17,372 No, no, just go away, please. 338 00:17:17,405 --> 00:17:19,241 Anyway, I don't want to give you any blood. 339 00:17:19,274 --> 00:17:21,142 Fine, well, you don't have to-- just go away. 340 00:17:21,176 --> 00:17:22,344 Can I give you some spit? 341 00:17:22,377 --> 00:17:22,944 No. 342 00:17:22,978 --> 00:17:24,045 Sweat? 343 00:17:24,079 --> 00:17:24,479 No. 344 00:17:24,512 --> 00:17:25,146 Earwax? 345 00:17:25,180 --> 00:17:26,147 No. 346 00:17:26,181 --> 00:17:27,749 Look, this is a blood bank. 347 00:17:27,782 --> 00:17:29,084 All we want is blood. 348 00:17:29,117 --> 00:17:33,989 All right, I'll give you some blood. 349 00:17:37,292 --> 00:17:38,627 Where did you get that? 350 00:17:38,660 --> 00:17:39,628 Today-- it's today's. 351 00:17:39,661 --> 00:17:40,629 What group is it? 352 00:17:40,662 --> 00:17:41,663 Uh, what groups are there? 353 00:17:41,696 --> 00:17:42,664 There's "a"... 354 00:17:42,697 --> 00:17:45,433 It's "a." 355 00:17:46,635 --> 00:17:49,771 Wait a moment. 356 00:17:50,872 --> 00:17:52,040 It's mine. 357 00:17:52,073 --> 00:17:53,041 This blood's mine. 358 00:17:53,074 --> 00:17:54,476 What are you doing with it? 359 00:17:54,509 --> 00:17:55,677 I found it. 360 00:17:55,710 --> 00:17:57,078 You stole it out of my body, didn't you?! 361 00:17:57,112 --> 00:17:58,079 No. 362 00:17:58,113 --> 00:17:59,080 No wonder I'm feeling off-col... 363 00:17:59,114 --> 00:18:00,081 Give that back. 364 00:18:00,115 --> 00:18:01,082 It's mine. 365 00:18:01,116 --> 00:18:02,183 It is not yours-- you stole it. 366 00:18:02,217 --> 00:18:03,251 Never. 367 00:18:03,285 --> 00:18:04,386 Give it back to me. 368 00:18:04,419 --> 00:18:07,455 All right, but only if I can give urine. 369 00:18:07,489 --> 00:18:09,124 Get in the queue. 370 00:18:09,157 --> 00:18:12,794 Good afternoon, and welcome to wife swapping from redcar. 371 00:18:12,827 --> 00:18:14,729 And the big news this afternoon 372 00:18:14,763 --> 00:18:17,966 Is that the british boy boris rogers has succeeded 373 00:18:17,999 --> 00:18:20,702 In swapping his nine-stone, welsh-born wife 374 00:18:20,735 --> 00:18:23,872 For a ford popular and a complete set of dickens. 375 00:18:23,905 --> 00:18:26,408 Well, now, I can see they're ready at the start 376 00:18:26,441 --> 00:18:28,944 So let's go now over to the start of the 3:30. 377 00:18:28,977 --> 00:18:31,846 And first let's catch up with the latest news of the betting. 378 00:18:31,880 --> 00:18:34,749 Number 12, betty parkinson, seven to four on favorite 379 00:18:34,783 --> 00:18:37,085 Number 27, mrs. colyer, nine to four 380 00:18:37,118 --> 00:18:39,087 Five to one, bar those. 381 00:18:39,120 --> 00:18:41,089 And here's the starter, mrs. alec marsh 382 00:18:41,122 --> 00:18:42,290 And they're off. 383 00:18:42,324 --> 00:18:43,858 And mrs. rogers is the first to show. 384 00:18:43,892 --> 00:18:45,360 There she goes into mr. johnson's 385 00:18:45,393 --> 00:18:47,062 And mrs. johnson across to mr. colyer 386 00:18:47,095 --> 00:18:49,064 Followed closely by mrs. casey on the inside. 387 00:18:49,097 --> 00:18:50,966 Mrs. parkinson, number 12, going well there 388 00:18:50,999 --> 00:18:52,500 Into mr. webster's from the co-op. 389 00:18:52,534 --> 00:18:54,536 Mrs. colyer's making ground fast after a poor start. 390 00:18:54,569 --> 00:18:56,371 She's out of mr. casey's, into mr. parkinson's. 391 00:18:56,404 --> 00:18:58,206 She's a couple of lengths ahead of mrs. johnson 392 00:18:58,240 --> 00:18:59,574 Who's still not out of mr. casey's. 393 00:18:59,608 --> 00:19:01,810 Mrs. penguin and number eight, mrs. colyer-- 394 00:19:01,843 --> 00:19:03,745 These two now at the head of the field 395 00:19:03,778 --> 00:19:05,981 From mrs. brown, mrs. atkins, mrs. parkinson 396 00:19:06,014 --> 00:19:08,817 Mrs. warner and mrs. rudd-- all still at mr. philips's. 397 00:19:08,850 --> 00:19:10,318 Mrs. penguin making the running now 398 00:19:10,352 --> 00:19:11,786 Challenged strongly by mrs. casey. 399 00:19:11,820 --> 00:19:13,588 Mrs. casey coming very fast on the inside. 400 00:19:13,622 --> 00:19:15,624 It's going to be mrs. casey coming from behind. 401 00:19:15,657 --> 00:19:17,359 Now she's making a break on the outside. 402 00:19:17,392 --> 00:19:19,794 Mrs. penguin running... and at the line, it's mrs. casey 403 00:19:19,828 --> 00:19:21,029 Who's got it by a short head 404 00:19:21,062 --> 00:19:22,631 From mrs. penguin, in second place 405 00:19:22,664 --> 00:19:25,133 Mrs. parkinson in third, mrs. rudd, mrs. colyer, mrs. warner 406 00:19:25,166 --> 00:19:31,406 And there's mrs. griffiths, who's remained unswapped. 407 00:19:31,540 --> 00:19:34,743 Well, a very exciting race there, and I have with me now 408 00:19:34,776 --> 00:19:37,913 The man who owned and trained the winner, mrs. casey-- 409 00:19:37,946 --> 00:19:38,914 Mr. casey. 410 00:19:38,947 --> 00:19:39,915 Well done, jack. 411 00:19:39,948 --> 00:19:41,016 Thank you, john. 412 00:19:41,049 --> 00:19:42,551 Well, were you at all surprised 413 00:19:42,584 --> 00:19:43,552 About this, jack? 414 00:19:43,585 --> 00:19:44,653 No, not really, no. 415 00:19:44,686 --> 00:19:46,621 She's been going very well in training 416 00:19:46,655 --> 00:19:47,956 And at doncaster last week 417 00:19:47,989 --> 00:19:49,424 And I fancy her very strongly 418 00:19:49,457 --> 00:19:50,892 For the cheltenham weekend. 419 00:19:50,926 --> 00:19:52,994 Well, thank you very much indeed, jack. 420 00:19:53,028 --> 00:19:54,095 We must leave you now 421 00:19:54,129 --> 00:19:56,097 Because it's time for the team event. 422 00:19:56,131 --> 00:19:57,566 Hello and a very warm welcome 423 00:19:57,599 --> 00:19:59,601 From the tower ballroom suite at reading 424 00:19:59,634 --> 00:20:01,269 Where there's very little in it. 425 00:20:01,303 --> 00:20:04,372 They're neck and neck, crop and grummit, real rack and saddle 426 00:20:04,406 --> 00:20:06,141 Brick and bucket, horse and tooth 427 00:20:06,174 --> 00:20:07,576 Cap and thigh, arse over tip 428 00:20:07,609 --> 00:20:09,477 They're absolutely birds of a feather 429 00:20:09,511 --> 00:20:10,879 There's not a new pin in it 430 00:20:10,912 --> 00:20:12,847 You couldn't get a melon between them. 431 00:20:12,881 --> 00:20:16,318 Well, now, everything rests on the formation event 432 00:20:16,351 --> 00:20:19,487 And here comes the north west with the mambo. 433 00:20:19,521 --> 00:20:23,925 Maestro, take it away, please. 434 00:20:44,713 --> 00:20:46,481 And now it's time for rugby league 435 00:20:46,514 --> 00:20:48,583 And highlights of this afternoon's game 436 00:20:48,617 --> 00:20:50,852 Between keighley and hull kingston rovers. 437 00:20:50,886 --> 00:20:52,687 Well, good afternoon 438 00:20:52,721 --> 00:20:54,923 And as you can see, hull kingston rovers 439 00:20:54,956 --> 00:20:56,224 Are well in the lead. 440 00:20:56,258 --> 00:20:58,393 It's a scrum down on the 25 of keighley 441 00:20:58,426 --> 00:21:02,163 Tom colyer with the put in, mrs. colyer to be put. 442 00:21:02,197 --> 00:21:05,100 And there goes his wife into the scrum. 443 00:21:05,133 --> 00:21:08,470 And hull have got the heel against the head. 444 00:21:08,503 --> 00:21:10,138 Doing very nicely with this scrum 445 00:21:10,171 --> 00:21:11,640 Some very good packing here. 446 00:21:11,673 --> 00:21:13,074 Warrington's picked her up. 447 00:21:13,108 --> 00:21:14,442 Is he going to let her go? 448 00:21:14,476 --> 00:21:19,047 No, he passes her to carrington. 449 00:21:23,552 --> 00:21:25,820 Well, that was right on the whistle 450 00:21:25,854 --> 00:21:28,456 Rovers walking it down, winning easily 451 00:21:28,490 --> 00:21:29,958 By 26 points to two. 452 00:21:29,991 --> 00:21:32,394 Just a reminder that on match of the day tonight 453 00:21:32,427 --> 00:21:35,463 You can see highlights of two of this afternoon's big games: 454 00:21:35,497 --> 00:21:37,165 Mrs. robinson v. manchester united 455 00:21:37,198 --> 00:21:40,201 And southampton v. mr. rogers-- a rather unusual game that. 456 00:21:40,235 --> 00:21:42,837 And here's a late result. 457 00:21:42,871 --> 00:21:46,808 Coventry city, nil, mr. johnson's una, three. 458 00:21:46,841 --> 00:21:49,377 Coventry going down at home there. 459 00:21:49,411 --> 00:21:50,645 Just a little reminder 460 00:21:50,679 --> 00:21:52,847 That the next sport you can see on bbc 1 461 00:21:52,881 --> 00:21:54,616 Will be 9:20 on wednesday night 462 00:21:54,649 --> 00:21:57,819 When wife swapping with coleman comes live from my place. 463 00:21:57,852 --> 00:22:01,623 Till then, good night. 464 00:22:45,200 --> 00:22:49,204 There they go, the credits of the year-- 465 00:22:49,237 --> 00:22:52,607 Credits that you and the society voted 466 00:22:52,641 --> 00:22:57,913 As "the credits that brought the most credit to the society." 467 00:22:57,946 --> 00:23:02,050 Sadly, the man who designed them cannot be with us tonight 468 00:23:02,083 --> 00:23:04,619 As he is at home, asleep. 469 00:23:04,653 --> 00:23:07,923 But we are going to wake him up and tell him the good news. 470 00:23:07,956 --> 00:23:11,693 Are you there in bristol, arthur briggs? 471 00:23:11,726 --> 00:23:14,596 Oh, my god! 472 00:23:18,934 --> 00:23:23,838 And now for the moment you've all been waiting for. 473 00:23:23,872 --> 00:23:25,574 No, not that moment 474 00:23:25,607 --> 00:23:29,678 Although that moment is coming in a moment. 475 00:23:29,711 --> 00:23:34,049 The moment I'm talking about is the moment when we present 476 00:23:34,082 --> 00:23:39,921 The "award for the cast with the most awards" award 477 00:23:39,955 --> 00:23:43,325 And this year is no exception. 478 00:23:43,358 --> 00:23:45,827 Ladies and gentlemen, will you join me 479 00:23:45,860 --> 00:23:47,429 And welcome, please 480 00:23:47,462 --> 00:23:51,233 The winners of this year's mountbatten trophy 481 00:23:51,266 --> 00:23:54,569 Show business's highest accolade 482 00:23:54,603 --> 00:23:59,574 The cast of "the dirty vicar" sketch. 483 00:24:26,468 --> 00:24:30,238 Well, now let us see the performances 484 00:24:30,272 --> 00:24:33,408 Which brought them this award. 485 00:24:33,441 --> 00:24:38,313 Let us see "the dirty vicar" sketch. 486 00:24:38,680 --> 00:24:41,349 Have you seen lady windermere's new carriage, dear? 487 00:24:41,383 --> 00:24:42,584 Absolutely enchanting! 488 00:24:42,617 --> 00:24:43,752 Isn't it! 489 00:24:43,785 --> 00:24:45,554 The new vicar to see you, m'lady. 490 00:24:45,587 --> 00:24:47,389 Ah-- send him in, chivers. 491 00:24:47,422 --> 00:24:50,058 Certainly, m'lady. 492 00:24:50,091 --> 00:24:51,760 Now, how is your tea, dear? 493 00:24:51,793 --> 00:24:53,595 A little more water, perhaps? 494 00:24:53,628 --> 00:24:54,696 Thank you. 495 00:24:54,729 --> 00:24:58,733 It's delightful as it is. 496 00:24:59,901 --> 00:25:04,272 The reverend ronald simms, the dirty vicar of st. michael's... 497 00:25:04,306 --> 00:25:06,107 Hello, hello, hello. 498 00:25:06,141 --> 00:25:07,776 Cor, what a lovely bit of stuff! 499 00:25:07,809 --> 00:25:13,715 I'd like to get my fingers around those knockers. 500 00:25:17,152 --> 00:25:19,754 How do you find the vicarage? 501 00:25:19,788 --> 00:25:20,855 I like tits! 502 00:25:20,889 --> 00:25:22,691 Whoa! 503 00:25:22,724 --> 00:25:23,692 Oh, vicar! 504 00:25:23,725 --> 00:25:24,726 Oh, my goodness. 505 00:25:24,759 --> 00:25:26,127 I do beg your pardon. 506 00:25:26,161 --> 00:25:27,462 How dreadful. 507 00:25:27,495 --> 00:25:28,763 My first day in my new parish 508 00:25:28,797 --> 00:25:30,365 And I completely just lost my head. 509 00:25:30,398 --> 00:25:31,433 So sorry. 510 00:25:31,466 --> 00:25:32,667 Yes-- never mind, never mind. 511 00:25:32,701 --> 00:25:33,668 Chivers, send mary in 512 00:25:33,702 --> 00:25:34,836 With a new gown, will you? 513 00:25:34,870 --> 00:25:35,837 Certainly, m'lady. 514 00:25:35,871 --> 00:25:36,838 I do beg your pardon. 515 00:25:36,872 --> 00:25:37,839 I'll help you sit down. 516 00:25:37,873 --> 00:25:38,773 I'm so sorry. 517 00:25:38,807 --> 00:25:39,875 As I was saying 518 00:25:39,908 --> 00:25:41,743 How do you find the new vicarage? 519 00:25:41,776 --> 00:25:43,144 Oh-- oh, yes, certainly. 520 00:25:43,178 --> 00:25:44,312 Yes, indeed. 521 00:25:44,346 --> 00:25:46,314 I find the grounds delightful 522 00:25:46,348 --> 00:25:48,483 And the servants most attentive-- 523 00:25:48,516 --> 00:25:50,085 Particularly the little serving maid 524 00:25:50,118 --> 00:25:51,253 With great, big knockers! 525 00:25:51,286 --> 00:25:55,056 When she gets going... 526 00:26:00,862 --> 00:26:03,398 Well, there we are. 527 00:26:03,431 --> 00:26:08,870 Another year has been too soon, alas, ended 528 00:26:09,170 --> 00:26:13,341 And I think none more than myself 529 00:26:13,375 --> 00:26:18,413 Can be happier at this time than I am.