1 00:00:00,000 --> 00:00:05,040 This programme contains some strong language 2 00:00:11,000 --> 00:00:12,760 Ladies and gentlemen... 3 00:00:12,760 --> 00:00:15,280 welcome to Mrs Brown's Boys! 4 00:00:15,280 --> 00:00:18,600 ♪ She's Mrs Brown 5 00:00:18,600 --> 00:00:21,720 ♪ That's Mrs Brown 6 00:00:21,720 --> 00:00:25,440 ♪ Our Mrs Brown. ♪ 7 00:00:25,440 --> 00:00:27,160 So go on... 8 00:00:27,160 --> 00:00:30,440 Jacko says to the policeman "I couldn't have been doing more 9 00:00:30,440 --> 00:00:34,480 "than 40, and, actually, after the crossing we had to slow down. 10 00:00:34,480 --> 00:00:36,400 "We were only doing about 30". 11 00:00:36,400 --> 00:00:38,320 I'd say we were only doing 20. 12 00:00:38,320 --> 00:00:41,920 Jesus, hold on there, Winnie, before you feckin' reverse into somebody. 13 00:00:43,560 --> 00:00:46,720 Jaysus, that beer's gone through me like the Eurostar. 14 00:00:46,720 --> 00:00:48,920 I'm going to have to go to the toilet. 15 00:00:59,880 --> 00:01:02,400 Hello! 16 00:01:02,400 --> 00:01:05,880 You just missed one of Winnie's Jacko stories. 17 00:01:05,880 --> 00:01:09,640 She has millions of them and they're all about Jacko. 18 00:01:09,640 --> 00:01:12,040 Of course, they've been married years. 19 00:01:12,040 --> 00:01:16,160 PHONE RINGS Hello? Cathy! 20 00:01:16,160 --> 00:01:18,200 Cathy, get that telephone! 21 00:01:18,200 --> 00:01:22,600 Ah, Mammy, the phone is portable! Well, I'm not buckin' portable. 22 00:01:22,600 --> 00:01:23,800 Now get the phone. 23 00:01:23,800 --> 00:01:27,160 OK, Mammy. 24 00:01:27,160 --> 00:01:31,320 You know, I've heard Winnie's stories, oh, 25 00:01:31,320 --> 00:01:35,200 a hundred times, but I listen every time like it's the first time. 26 00:01:35,200 --> 00:01:37,920 That's what friends do, isn't it? 27 00:01:37,920 --> 00:01:44,240 Did I tell you that Jacko wants to get a dog? No. Yeah, a Labrador. 28 00:01:44,240 --> 00:01:48,720 Oh, Jesus don't let him get a Labrador, half the people who get them go feckin' blind! 29 00:01:48,720 --> 00:01:50,760 Really? Yes! 30 00:01:53,880 --> 00:01:58,400 Winnie, it's your Sharon on the phone. What the hell does she want? 31 00:01:58,400 --> 00:02:01,760 You can't even go round the feckin' corner. Mammy! 32 00:02:01,760 --> 00:02:03,560 What? It's Mr McGoogan. 33 00:02:03,560 --> 00:02:06,760 Jacko? He's collapsed. He's been taken into hospital. 34 00:02:06,760 --> 00:02:11,920 Oh, sweet little Jesus Christ, Mother Mary, Joseph and the donkey that took them all to Bethlehem! 35 00:02:13,960 --> 00:02:18,360 I've got to go to hospital, Agnes. It's Jacko's gone in with chest pains. 36 00:02:18,360 --> 00:02:21,280 Cathy told me. You're not going on your own, Winnie, I'll go with you. 37 00:02:21,280 --> 00:02:23,920 Mammy, I'll go over and stay with Sharon. She's very upset. 38 00:02:23,920 --> 00:02:28,520 Winnie, you don't be worrying. These things often turn out to be worse than they look! 39 00:02:31,160 --> 00:02:35,160 Hello? Hello? 40 00:02:46,800 --> 00:02:47,840 SHE SPITS 41 00:02:49,000 --> 00:02:50,040 DOOR CLOSES 42 00:02:52,960 --> 00:02:55,520 Ah, hello. It's a little chipmunk! 43 00:02:57,040 --> 00:03:00,360 Squirrel, Mammy, squirrel! 44 00:03:00,360 --> 00:03:03,080 So what are you promoting this week? Chocolate bars. 45 00:03:03,080 --> 00:03:05,720 What has a hazelnut in every bite? 46 00:03:05,720 --> 00:03:09,520 Squirrel shit! What's all this, love? 47 00:03:09,520 --> 00:03:12,400 Post and more stuff you bought off the telly. 48 00:03:12,400 --> 00:03:16,920 Me Shake Weight and me bikini-wax treatment. 49 00:03:16,920 --> 00:03:18,920 And me hair teaser! 50 00:03:18,920 --> 00:03:21,320 I wish you'd stop buying that crap off the TV, Ma. 51 00:03:21,320 --> 00:03:25,000 Crap? Dermot, this is first-class merchandise. 52 00:03:25,000 --> 00:03:29,000 And not available in the shops. 53 00:03:29,000 --> 00:03:30,640 Do you want a cup of tea, love? Love one! 54 00:03:30,640 --> 00:03:32,280 Come on, nibble on me arse! 55 00:03:37,040 --> 00:03:39,760 It's been a busy morning. Well, love, you know, 56 00:03:39,760 --> 00:03:42,000 you have to gather your nuts! 57 00:03:43,520 --> 00:03:46,120 Nah, running around trying to get things done for the wedding, 58 00:03:46,120 --> 00:03:48,360 getting Buster measured for his best man's suit. 59 00:03:48,360 --> 00:03:50,240 Buster? 60 00:03:50,240 --> 00:03:51,840 Buster's going to be your best man? 61 00:03:51,840 --> 00:03:55,160 Yeah. Buster Brady, that fecker? Yes! 62 00:03:55,160 --> 00:03:57,320 I thought you might have picked Mark. 63 00:03:57,320 --> 00:04:00,200 I'd love to see my two sons on the altar. 64 00:04:00,200 --> 00:04:03,040 Well, I wasn't best man at his wedding. You were in prison, love. 65 00:04:04,760 --> 00:04:07,000 Still...I'd like Buster. 66 00:04:07,000 --> 00:04:08,520 Well, think about Mark. 67 00:04:13,640 --> 00:04:15,680 Tell me this. 68 00:04:15,680 --> 00:04:19,040 Have you consulted with Maria on this 'Buster' decision? 69 00:04:19,040 --> 00:04:24,920 Nah! The bride picks the bridesmaids, the groom picks the best man. She won't mind. 70 00:04:24,920 --> 00:04:27,800 He's me best friend, Mammy. 71 00:04:27,800 --> 00:04:29,760 I'm sure you're right. 72 00:04:29,760 --> 00:04:31,960 Morning! Want a cup of tea, love? 73 00:04:31,960 --> 00:04:34,520 No, thanks. How's Winnie today? 74 00:04:34,520 --> 00:04:37,120 Winnie's putting on a brave face, but she's worried, I can tell. 75 00:04:37,120 --> 00:04:40,480 Jacko needs a bypass. Of his heart. 76 00:04:42,280 --> 00:04:44,520 Doctors said he could be waiting a while... 77 00:04:44,520 --> 00:04:46,120 five or six weeks, maybe a month. 78 00:04:48,960 --> 00:04:53,240 If she went private she could have it tomorrow but Winnie hasn't got that kind of money. 79 00:04:53,240 --> 00:04:56,440 That's disgraceful! Ah, that's the way of the world, love. 80 00:04:56,440 --> 00:04:59,000 One law for the poor and one law for the rest of us. 81 00:05:01,320 --> 00:05:04,760 But who knows? Maybe me or Winnie will win the jackpot at the bingo 82 00:05:04,760 --> 00:05:06,920 and then Jacko can have his operation tomorrow. 83 00:05:06,920 --> 00:05:09,440 Or you might win the lottery! 84 00:05:09,440 --> 00:05:11,400 Now don't start me off, Cathy. 85 00:05:11,400 --> 00:05:16,080 If we win the lottery, you can forget about the operation. We're gettin' two new fuckin' men. 86 00:05:17,920 --> 00:05:21,400 I'll see you later, Mammy. Good luck. You should get back to work as well. 87 00:05:21,400 --> 00:05:24,480 I'm sure there's a few trees you haven't been up! 88 00:05:24,480 --> 00:05:28,400 Nah, I'm hanging on. Buster wants a chat so I told him to call up here. 89 00:05:30,200 --> 00:05:32,760 Don't look at me like that. I've gone straight! 90 00:05:35,480 --> 00:05:36,880 Hello, Mrs Brown. 91 00:05:42,400 --> 00:05:45,680 You, don't keep him too long. He has a job to go to. 92 00:05:45,680 --> 00:05:47,240 I won't. Don't! 93 00:05:54,440 --> 00:05:56,520 Dermot, I'm going up to make your bed. 94 00:05:56,520 --> 00:06:00,000 Will you stop stuffing them dirty magazines under your mattress! 95 00:06:00,000 --> 00:06:03,040 It's nearly four-foot thick at this stage. 96 00:06:04,560 --> 00:06:06,080 I only buy them for the articles. 97 00:06:06,080 --> 00:06:11,000 I only go to the supermarket for the music! And you... 98 00:06:11,000 --> 00:06:14,000 I'm keeping an eye on you... 99 00:06:14,000 --> 00:06:15,520 the good one! 100 00:06:15,520 --> 00:06:21,840 Jaysus, why's your ma giving me such a hard time? 101 00:06:21,840 --> 00:06:24,360 She thinks you want to drag me into a scam of some sort. 102 00:06:24,360 --> 00:06:25,960 Give a dog a bad name, what? 103 00:06:25,960 --> 00:06:28,440 So, what do ya want me for? I've a brilliant scam, Dermot! 104 00:06:29,960 --> 00:06:32,800 Buster, are you mad? I've gone straight. 105 00:06:32,800 --> 00:06:36,040 Just take a look, Dermot. It's a doddle! 106 00:06:36,040 --> 00:06:37,960 A raffle for the boxing club? 107 00:06:37,960 --> 00:06:41,880 One euro a ticket, I put on the tickets "5,000 euro first prize". 108 00:06:41,880 --> 00:06:46,040 I tell the people that if they win, I'll call them. Then nobody wins... 109 00:06:46,040 --> 00:06:48,600 except us! It's foolproof! 110 00:06:48,600 --> 00:06:54,760 Not bad, Buster! Now I only got a hundred tickets printed just to try it out and Dermot... 111 00:06:54,760 --> 00:06:56,400 I sold them all in an hour! 112 00:06:56,400 --> 00:06:58,920 I made eighty euro! 113 00:07:01,440 --> 00:07:05,480 That's only eighty tickets. I know, yeah. Well, l I bought two books meself. 114 00:07:08,760 --> 00:07:12,000 5,000 euro, Dermot, it's not to be bleedin' sneezed at! 115 00:07:13,160 --> 00:07:16,160 But...there's no raffle. Ah, shite, yeah! 116 00:07:19,520 --> 00:07:21,280 Tease the hair. 117 00:07:21,280 --> 00:07:24,480 Tease the feckin' hair. 118 00:07:24,480 --> 00:07:27,160 Neh, neh, neh. 119 00:07:27,160 --> 00:07:29,720 How much did it cost to get the tickets printed? 120 00:07:29,720 --> 00:07:32,200 90 euro. 121 00:07:32,200 --> 00:07:34,200 So you lost ten euro! 122 00:07:34,200 --> 00:07:37,080 Ah, this is a bleedin' rip off! 123 00:07:37,080 --> 00:07:39,760 I could do a few bob with this wedding coming up. 124 00:07:39,760 --> 00:07:42,520 First of all we need to get more tickets printed. 125 00:07:42,520 --> 00:07:44,320 More tickets! Thousands! Hundreds! 126 00:07:46,160 --> 00:07:50,160 Then we need to make it something they've never heard of, a club or something. 127 00:07:50,160 --> 00:07:54,120 The Dublin Home For Bewildered Greyhounds And Whippets. 128 00:07:54,120 --> 00:07:56,800 Nice one. Leave it with me. I'd better get back to work. 129 00:08:24,120 --> 00:08:25,920 Jacko's just lying there. 130 00:08:25,920 --> 00:08:27,560 He's not moving a muscle. 131 00:08:27,560 --> 00:08:32,280 It's a heart attack. He's hardly going to doing the buckin' samba! 132 00:08:32,280 --> 00:08:35,080 Jesus, Winnie, he's not dead yet! 133 00:08:35,080 --> 00:08:37,880 You have to take a more positive outlook on this. 134 00:08:37,880 --> 00:08:41,280 Start to look for the most positive outcome. 135 00:08:41,280 --> 00:08:44,480 Yeah. Jacko's a fighter. He'll be fine. How's Jacko? 136 00:08:44,480 --> 00:08:46,560 He's fucked. What? 137 00:08:46,560 --> 00:08:48,200 I'm only joking, Winnie. 138 00:08:48,200 --> 00:08:49,400 MOUTHS 139 00:08:51,480 --> 00:08:54,600 Maria! Hiya. 140 00:08:54,600 --> 00:08:56,360 Hello, love. What has you here? 141 00:08:56,360 --> 00:08:58,400 I looked in on Jacko before I left the hospital. 142 00:08:58,400 --> 00:09:01,240 He's sitting up and he's starting to get colour back in his face. 143 00:09:01,240 --> 00:09:03,800 He looked good. Ah, they always get a lift just before the end. 144 00:09:03,800 --> 00:09:06,440 Mammy! 145 00:09:06,440 --> 00:09:08,320 I'm just trying to lighten the mood. 146 00:09:11,400 --> 00:09:16,560 Sorry, are we keeping you? Have you to go and meet your invisible boyfriend? 147 00:09:16,560 --> 00:09:18,880 I'd like to meet him. We all would. 148 00:09:18,880 --> 00:09:23,920 I'll never forget the night I met your father, and don't think I haven't fucking tried. 149 00:09:26,320 --> 00:09:29,680 That was at a party. Sadie Brady's birthday. 150 00:09:29,680 --> 00:09:32,960 Right, Winnie. Oh, now Sadie Brady... BOTH: Slapper. 151 00:09:34,520 --> 00:09:37,520 It didn't take long for her private parts to go public. 152 00:09:37,520 --> 00:09:41,080 Her knickers were busier than the escalator in Marks & Spencer's. 153 00:09:41,080 --> 00:09:44,160 Up, down, up, down. 154 00:09:44,160 --> 00:09:46,960 God, we arrived that night dressed to the nines. 155 00:09:46,960 --> 00:09:49,200 We looked fantastic. Well, I did. 156 00:09:51,160 --> 00:09:54,000 We knocked at a door, we went in. I never forget. What was it like? 157 00:09:54,000 --> 00:09:57,040 The place was hopping, smoke everywhere, flashing lights. 158 00:09:57,040 --> 00:10:00,680 We were there three minutes before we realised it was on fecking fire. 159 00:10:05,320 --> 00:10:08,560 I looked across the room and there he was. 160 00:10:08,560 --> 00:10:12,520 Your father, Redser Brown. He was standing in a corner on his own. 161 00:10:12,520 --> 00:10:15,160 He was shy? No, he was getting sick. 162 00:10:15,160 --> 00:10:19,920 He arrived at the party drunk and somebody said, "What will you have to drink?" 163 00:10:19,920 --> 00:10:22,480 He said, "Give me a pint of anything." 164 00:10:22,480 --> 00:10:24,520 They gave him bucking Windolene. 165 00:10:24,520 --> 00:10:29,800 What? Do you know, there was a sparkle off his shite for two weeks after that. 166 00:10:33,320 --> 00:10:35,320 And it didn't smear! 167 00:10:39,520 --> 00:10:41,720 Oh, God. 168 00:10:41,720 --> 00:10:44,800 I took him home that night. Oh, yes, I brought him home. 169 00:10:44,800 --> 00:10:47,200 It was lovely. His head was just here on my shoulder. 170 00:10:47,200 --> 00:10:49,640 And I carried his legs. 171 00:10:53,360 --> 00:10:55,880 Listen, never mind me. You married well. I did. She did. 172 00:10:55,880 --> 00:10:59,160 You should see the penis on her Jacko. Agnes Brown! 173 00:10:59,160 --> 00:11:02,400 We used to go skinny dipping on Portmarnock beach. 174 00:11:02,400 --> 00:11:05,400 We all lying there and Jacko would come walking along the beach, 175 00:11:05,400 --> 00:11:07,440 dragging a big groove in the sand behind him. 176 00:11:09,640 --> 00:11:13,920 Running into the water with his surf board under his arm and his penis under the other arm. 177 00:11:17,680 --> 00:11:19,800 It was love at first sight. Ah. 178 00:11:19,800 --> 00:11:22,040 What about your husband, Mrs Brown? 179 00:11:22,040 --> 00:11:25,160 What do you mean, Betty? Well, when did you realise you loved him? 180 00:11:25,160 --> 00:11:27,200 Oh, Jesus. Love? 181 00:11:27,200 --> 00:11:29,720 Five or six months after he died. 182 00:11:33,520 --> 00:11:36,600 Your father was best man at our wedding. 183 00:11:36,600 --> 00:11:38,920 Really? Yeah. And Jacko was our best man. 184 00:11:38,920 --> 00:11:41,640 And that's the way it was. 185 00:11:41,640 --> 00:11:43,200 Just like Dermot and Buster. 186 00:11:43,200 --> 00:11:44,920 I'm sorry? 187 00:11:44,920 --> 00:11:49,000 Dermot, he's having Buster as his best man, apparently. 188 00:12:02,240 --> 00:12:06,320 Buster, I'm telling you, if the dog sees you playing with her ball she'll go mad. 189 00:12:09,720 --> 00:12:12,840 6,235 euro. 190 00:12:12,840 --> 00:12:15,120 Well, at least that's the prize money covered. 191 00:12:17,000 --> 00:12:20,720 Buster there is NO raffle. 192 00:12:22,560 --> 00:12:24,400 You bought more tickets, didn't you? 193 00:12:26,760 --> 00:12:28,600 What do yeah take me for? 194 00:12:28,600 --> 00:12:31,120 Yeah, two books. 195 00:12:31,120 --> 00:12:32,760 I'll give you your money back. 196 00:12:32,760 --> 00:12:36,400 No. It's all right. I'll take my chances. 197 00:12:36,400 --> 00:12:38,760 BELL RINGS 198 00:12:38,760 --> 00:12:41,640 That's my boyfriend, Dermot. Would you let him in? 199 00:12:45,560 --> 00:12:47,880 Hiya. He's here. 200 00:12:47,880 --> 00:12:50,600 OK. I'll be down in a minute. 201 00:12:50,600 --> 00:12:52,280 All right? 202 00:13:00,000 --> 00:13:02,320 So you're the boyfriend? 203 00:13:02,320 --> 00:13:04,600 I am, yeah. 204 00:13:04,600 --> 00:13:08,200 I can put this whole ball in me mouth. Watch. 205 00:13:08,200 --> 00:13:10,400 Shut up, Buster. 206 00:13:10,400 --> 00:13:12,440 Howyeh? I'm Cathy's brother, Dermot. 207 00:13:12,440 --> 00:13:14,360 Oh, hello, Dermot. What's the name? 208 00:13:14,360 --> 00:13:16,160 My name is Michael. Michael. 209 00:13:16,160 --> 00:13:18,000 But the lads at the station call me Mick. 210 00:13:22,640 --> 00:13:26,080 Station? Are you a fireman? I'm a detective. 211 00:13:31,400 --> 00:13:33,320 I'm off, Cathy. 212 00:13:33,320 --> 00:13:34,840 What was that all about? 213 00:13:34,840 --> 00:13:37,840 I have absolutely no idea. 214 00:13:37,840 --> 00:13:40,200 Oh! You look great. 215 00:13:40,200 --> 00:13:42,720 Thanks. 216 00:13:42,720 --> 00:13:45,600 Hello! We were just going. 217 00:13:45,600 --> 00:13:49,360 Well, hold your buckin' horses now. 218 00:13:49,360 --> 00:13:52,320 So, this is Slick Mick the Dick? 219 00:13:53,920 --> 00:13:55,760 This is Mick. 220 00:13:55,760 --> 00:13:58,800 This is me soon-to-be sister-in-law, Maria. Hi. 221 00:13:58,800 --> 00:14:01,400 Hello. And this is Mammy. Very nice to meet you. 222 00:14:01,400 --> 00:14:03,240 Oh, don't try your fancy talk on me, son. 223 00:14:05,560 --> 00:14:08,520 Do you know that multiple births run in our family? 224 00:14:08,520 --> 00:14:10,720 Yes, I had twins and my sister had twins. 225 00:14:10,720 --> 00:14:15,280 Right, Mick, come on. We used to call her Machine Gun Fanny. Just go, Mick. 226 00:14:15,280 --> 00:14:17,680 I'm only telling you that for your own sake, love, 227 00:14:17,680 --> 00:14:21,560 in case you're thinking of getting your leg over her. 228 00:14:21,560 --> 00:14:23,520 You'll be up to your neck in kids. 229 00:14:25,040 --> 00:14:26,640 He seems like a nice chap. 230 00:14:29,240 --> 00:14:32,120 Tea, Maria? Tia Maria! 231 00:14:35,520 --> 00:14:39,760 So, Maria, how are you feeling with the wedding so close? 232 00:14:39,760 --> 00:14:44,320 Actually, I'm a bit nervous. I was too. Nervous of the unknown. 233 00:14:44,320 --> 00:14:46,800 Ha-ha! 234 00:14:46,800 --> 00:14:52,200 But I can give you a heads-up. About a week after the honeymoon, he'll start looking for S-E-K-S. 235 00:14:54,840 --> 00:14:57,400 A week? Yes, a week. They rush at it. 236 00:14:57,400 --> 00:14:59,640 Don't fall into the trap. 237 00:14:59,640 --> 00:15:02,800 It starts the whole thing and then he wants to play games. 238 00:15:02,800 --> 00:15:06,400 Charge of the Light Brigade was the one I hated. 239 00:15:06,400 --> 00:15:10,320 He'd start one side of the room, naked, and I'd stand the other and he'd go, "Charge!" 240 00:15:13,080 --> 00:15:15,520 I missed him one night. He went out the feckin' window! 241 00:15:20,960 --> 00:15:23,760 If you'd have seen my face stuck on that door knob. 242 00:15:27,560 --> 00:15:30,200 What you need to do is you need to know the signals. 243 00:15:30,200 --> 00:15:33,600 Signals? Signals. My favourite position in bed was back-to-back. 244 00:15:35,800 --> 00:15:39,200 The signal for that is poke, poke. Poke, poke, poke. Poke, boy. 245 00:15:39,200 --> 00:15:42,040 It's like having Ken Doherty behind you with no chalk on his cue. 246 00:15:42,040 --> 00:15:43,760 Mrs Brown, really, you don't have to. 247 00:15:43,760 --> 00:15:46,720 No, you need to know this, love. The other signal is not bad. 248 00:15:46,720 --> 00:15:50,320 It's when he starts brushing his teeth and gargling in the bathroom. 249 00:15:50,320 --> 00:15:53,440 He's preparing himself. Ha-ha! 250 00:15:53,440 --> 00:15:57,160 I only have to hear... GARGLES 251 00:15:57,160 --> 00:16:02,000 ..and my nip... No, really, I understand. 252 00:16:02,000 --> 00:16:05,600 Oh, OK. Hello, love. 253 00:16:05,600 --> 00:16:07,560 Hiya. 254 00:16:11,880 --> 00:16:13,960 Would you like a cup of tea, love? 255 00:16:13,960 --> 00:16:17,000 Er, I don't know, Ma. 256 00:16:17,000 --> 00:16:19,440 Are you going to hang on? 257 00:16:19,440 --> 00:16:23,320 So, Dermot, have you decided who your best man is going to be yet? 258 00:16:23,320 --> 00:16:25,720 Cocoa, cocoa? Yet? 259 00:16:25,720 --> 00:16:29,000 There was never any doubt about who would be best man - my best friend. 260 00:16:29,000 --> 00:16:30,920 Buster Brady? Is right. 261 00:16:32,680 --> 00:16:36,160 Buster Brady is not going to be best man at my wedding. 262 00:16:36,160 --> 00:16:37,840 Horlicks will calm everybody down. 263 00:16:37,840 --> 00:16:42,880 Well, that's funny, because he is going to be best man at mine, so I must be marrying someone else. 264 00:16:42,880 --> 00:16:45,000 Do, then. 265 00:16:45,000 --> 00:16:47,240 I can do it in a take-away cup. 266 00:16:47,240 --> 00:16:49,520 Maria! DOOR SLAMS 267 00:16:49,520 --> 00:16:55,720 As Forrest Gump's mother would say, there's an awful smell of shrimp off that. What? 268 00:16:55,720 --> 00:16:58,200 Her in the film Brokeback Mountain. 269 00:16:58,200 --> 00:17:00,640 Never mind. Run, Forrest, run. 270 00:17:03,520 --> 00:17:05,440 I love Tom Selleck. 271 00:17:10,240 --> 00:17:14,040 Seven-letter word meaning constipation. 272 00:17:14,040 --> 00:17:17,280 Starting in N and ending in N. 273 00:17:18,800 --> 00:17:21,320 Ah! Nnnnnnn. 274 00:17:26,520 --> 00:17:28,880 Hello, Winnie. 275 00:17:28,880 --> 00:17:31,720 How are you, pet? What brings you over? 276 00:17:33,240 --> 00:17:36,120 Just sitting over there on my own, worrying. 277 00:17:36,120 --> 00:17:39,800 When you're sitting on your own there's two things you don't want, and one is worry. 278 00:17:39,800 --> 00:17:41,440 The other is feckin' Panorama. 279 00:17:45,120 --> 00:17:49,680 Anyway, maybe one of us will win the jackpot at the bingo then Jacko can have his operation in the morning. 280 00:17:49,680 --> 00:17:53,440 Or the raffle. What fuckin' raffle? 281 00:17:53,440 --> 00:17:56,920 The Dublin Home For Bewildered Greyhounds And Whippets. 282 00:17:56,920 --> 00:18:00,640 5,000 euro first prize, Agnes. 283 00:18:00,640 --> 00:18:02,320 I bought ten books. 284 00:18:02,320 --> 00:18:04,280 Winnie, you feckin' eejit. 285 00:18:05,600 --> 00:18:07,240 Half them things are a scam. 286 00:18:07,240 --> 00:18:09,480 I had a fella here at Christmas knocked at the door. 287 00:18:09,480 --> 00:18:11,920 Would I buy a ticket for a raffle for orphans? 288 00:18:11,920 --> 00:18:14,400 With my luck I'd fuckin' win one. 289 00:18:17,760 --> 00:18:21,320 What you need is something to take your mind off the whole hospital thing. 290 00:18:21,320 --> 00:18:23,480 And I have just the feckin' thing. 291 00:18:23,480 --> 00:18:26,400 What? Come on. Wait till you see this. 292 00:18:28,240 --> 00:18:30,320 You can help me with my bikini wax thing. 293 00:18:32,720 --> 00:18:35,000 You'd better do that upstairs in the bathroom. 294 00:18:35,000 --> 00:18:37,480 No, no, Cathy is going to have a bath. No, we'll do it here. 295 00:18:37,480 --> 00:18:39,480 Agnes, you can't do it here. 296 00:18:39,480 --> 00:18:41,040 Someone might walk in on you. 297 00:18:41,040 --> 00:18:45,760 You're right. I'd look feckin' stupid. 298 00:18:45,760 --> 00:18:49,160 I've an idea. What? We'll do it in the cupboard. Feck off, Agnes. 299 00:18:49,160 --> 00:18:53,160 Come on, Winnie, get into the cupboard. For God's sake. 300 00:18:53,160 --> 00:18:54,680 It's only for the craic. 301 00:19:00,120 --> 00:19:02,200 It's dark in here. 302 00:19:02,200 --> 00:19:05,240 Jesus, Winnie! What? I've no feeling in me left leg. 303 00:19:05,240 --> 00:19:07,240 That's MY leg, Agnes! 304 00:19:09,280 --> 00:19:11,040 This is feckin' ridiculous. 305 00:19:11,040 --> 00:19:12,680 Hold on, I've an idea. 306 00:19:12,680 --> 00:19:15,720 You take the instructions and go out and read them out to me. 307 00:19:15,720 --> 00:19:19,600 Oh, that's better. In the light. OK, love? Are you ready, pet? 308 00:19:19,600 --> 00:19:20,840 I'm ready whenever you are. 309 00:19:20,840 --> 00:19:24,200 "Expose the relevant area." 310 00:19:24,200 --> 00:19:26,640 What the feck does that mean? 311 00:19:26,640 --> 00:19:28,920 Get your knickers down. 312 00:19:30,640 --> 00:19:32,800 Ha-ha! No sooner said than done. 313 00:19:35,880 --> 00:19:37,680 OK, go ahead, Winnie. 314 00:19:37,680 --> 00:19:42,720 "Open the container and spread the cold wax using the spatula." 315 00:19:44,920 --> 00:19:47,840 Oh, the smell! 316 00:19:47,840 --> 00:19:51,320 Is the cold wax smelly? I can't get the feckin' thing open. 317 00:19:54,600 --> 00:19:57,000 Hold on, I have it. 318 00:19:57,000 --> 00:19:59,000 I have it. All right. 319 00:19:59,000 --> 00:20:02,480 Jesus, it's freezing. 320 00:20:02,480 --> 00:20:04,600 OK, Winnie, I'm spread. 321 00:20:06,280 --> 00:20:12,600 "Remove the backing from the sticky tape and apply it firmly to the area." 322 00:20:12,600 --> 00:20:15,640 SHE REMOVES THE BACKING 323 00:20:15,640 --> 00:20:19,840 Jesus, now I'm trying to go around feckin' corners here. 324 00:20:19,840 --> 00:20:23,760 Argh, it's stuck to me arse! 325 00:20:23,760 --> 00:20:27,600 Are you all right, Agnes? Hold on, hold on. 326 00:20:27,600 --> 00:20:29,520 OK, I have it. OK, now what? 327 00:20:29,520 --> 00:20:34,240 Now wait for three minutes and pull the tape off briskly. 328 00:20:34,240 --> 00:20:37,200 That means fast. Yank it off. 329 00:20:37,200 --> 00:20:39,960 Winnie, I can't see me feckin' watch. 330 00:20:39,960 --> 00:20:42,600 Well, count to 180. OK. 331 00:20:42,600 --> 00:20:47,840 (QUICKLY) One, two, three, four, five, six, seven... PHONE RINGS 332 00:20:47,840 --> 00:20:50,680 Hello, Mrs McGoogan. 333 00:20:50,680 --> 00:20:52,840 Dermot's not here, pet. Come back later, love. 334 00:20:52,840 --> 00:20:55,840 I'm just leaving this here for him. He told me to put it in the cupboard. 335 00:20:55,840 --> 00:20:57,800 No, no! Put it in the kitchen, pet. 336 00:20:57,800 --> 00:20:59,320 Go on, put it in the kitchen. 337 00:21:02,120 --> 00:21:04,600 It's Buster. Close the door. You're blowing the arse off me! 338 00:21:07,120 --> 00:21:09,640 Hiya, Winnie. Who was that at the door? It was me. 339 00:21:09,640 --> 00:21:11,720 Are you delighted to see me? 340 00:21:11,720 --> 00:21:13,520 Oh, piss off, Buster. 341 00:21:14,520 --> 00:21:18,960 Winnie, where's Mammy? She's not here, love. 73, 74, 75... 342 00:21:18,960 --> 00:21:20,640 She is. She's in there. 343 00:21:20,640 --> 00:21:24,680 No, she's not. 120... She was, but she not. 344 00:21:24,680 --> 00:21:27,720 154...155... That sounds like her voice. 345 00:21:27,720 --> 00:21:29,240 It's not. Shut up, you. 346 00:21:29,240 --> 00:21:31,400 Winnie, where is she? 347 00:21:31,400 --> 00:21:36,600 178, 179, 180. 348 00:21:36,600 --> 00:21:38,000 RIPPING 349 00:21:39,520 --> 00:21:43,360 SCREAMING 350 00:22:25,880 --> 00:22:29,160 Are you all right, Mammy? 351 00:22:31,200 --> 00:22:34,880 No. I feel like there's a hedgehog living in my knickers. 352 00:22:44,960 --> 00:22:48,000 Hello, Winnie. Go on in. I'll follow you in. 353 00:22:56,440 --> 00:22:58,520 Little bastards. 354 00:23:08,720 --> 00:23:11,560 What's all this about? PHONE RINGS 355 00:23:11,560 --> 00:23:13,240 You're about to see. 356 00:23:19,440 --> 00:23:23,320 Maria, thanks for coming over. What's going on? That's exactly what I was saying. 357 00:23:23,320 --> 00:23:26,200 What's wrong? Is Jacko all right? Oh, Winnie, shut up. 358 00:23:26,200 --> 00:23:29,600 Not every bit of drama in this series is about Jacko. 359 00:23:29,600 --> 00:23:30,880 Sorry. 360 00:23:30,880 --> 00:23:34,080 Maria, I want nothing more than to make you happy. 361 00:23:34,080 --> 00:23:37,680 I've asked Mark to be my best man 362 00:23:37,680 --> 00:23:40,280 and he's agreed to do it. Yep. 363 00:23:40,280 --> 00:23:42,840 I'm proud to do it. He'll be great at it as well. 364 00:23:42,840 --> 00:23:46,280 I've spoken to Buster and he has no problem with it. 365 00:23:46,280 --> 00:23:48,560 Well, what I said... 366 00:23:48,560 --> 00:23:51,680 Oh, Dermot, that's fantastic. 367 00:23:51,680 --> 00:23:53,640 No, no, hold on a minute. 368 00:23:53,640 --> 00:23:57,200 No, it's not fantastic. Now just hold on there. 369 00:23:57,200 --> 00:24:00,800 Maria, I know you don't have the highest opinion of this little shit. 370 00:24:03,240 --> 00:24:07,880 When you told your family that you were marrying my son, what was it your cousin Bethany said? 371 00:24:07,880 --> 00:24:09,440 She said, 372 00:24:09,440 --> 00:24:11,600 "You're not marrying that scumbag, are you?" 373 00:24:11,600 --> 00:24:13,200 Exactly. 374 00:24:13,200 --> 00:24:18,280 And tell me, Maria, on the day of the wedding what will that cat-faced little bitch be doing? 375 00:24:18,280 --> 00:24:20,120 She's my bridesmaid. 376 00:24:20,120 --> 00:24:22,240 But she's my only cousin. Fine. 377 00:24:22,240 --> 00:24:23,880 That's your choice, that makes it fine. 378 00:24:23,880 --> 00:24:28,520 Well, Dermot and Buster have been best friends since their arses were the size of shirt buttons. 379 00:24:31,080 --> 00:24:34,440 Best friends, Maria. That has to count for something. 380 00:24:34,440 --> 00:24:38,280 If you're lucky, you'll marry your best friend, just like Winnie did, 381 00:24:38,280 --> 00:24:41,800 and that's more important than all the lovey-dovey stuff. So here's the deal. 382 00:24:41,800 --> 00:24:44,760 If you've any sense of loyalty about you at all, 383 00:24:44,760 --> 00:24:50,720 you'll simply ask Dermot who he'd like to have by his side 384 00:24:50,720 --> 00:24:53,640 to witness the most important decision of his life. 385 00:24:56,760 --> 00:25:00,600 Your mother's right, Dermot. I'm sorry. 386 00:25:00,600 --> 00:25:02,720 Who would you like as your best man? 387 00:25:05,240 --> 00:25:06,960 Mark... 388 00:25:06,960 --> 00:25:08,800 I'm sorry. 389 00:25:10,920 --> 00:25:12,440 Buster... 390 00:25:17,000 --> 00:25:19,440 ..will you be my best man? 391 00:25:19,440 --> 00:25:21,600 I do. 392 00:25:24,880 --> 00:25:29,400 If you even dream about it, you'll wake up and apologise! 393 00:25:29,400 --> 00:25:35,120 Well, that's that, then. No, that's not that then. There's more thats to that now. 394 00:25:35,120 --> 00:25:38,680 Winnie McGoogan, my dearest friend. 395 00:25:38,680 --> 00:25:42,600 Winnie, we've been together through thick and thin. We have. 396 00:25:42,600 --> 00:25:44,200 I was always thin. 397 00:25:46,480 --> 00:25:51,640 Winnie, when my Redser lost his job and we had no money, you were there by my side. 398 00:25:51,640 --> 00:25:55,640 I was. And when Redser went in to have his left leg removed, 399 00:25:55,640 --> 00:25:57,760 you were there by my side. True. 400 00:25:57,760 --> 00:26:00,400 And when they took away his right leg, 401 00:26:00,400 --> 00:26:02,120 you were there right beside me. 402 00:26:02,120 --> 00:26:04,680 Yes. And the night Redser died, 403 00:26:04,680 --> 00:26:08,720 where were you? Tell them. By your side, Agnes. 404 00:26:08,720 --> 00:26:10,720 By my side. 405 00:26:10,720 --> 00:26:12,560 Winnie, you're a fuckin' jinx. 406 00:26:20,080 --> 00:26:22,600 But you're my best friend. 407 00:26:22,600 --> 00:26:26,800 Now, tell me, Winnie, if Jacko had his operation in the morning, how much would it cost? 408 00:26:26,800 --> 00:26:29,600 Jesus, Agnes, it's a lot more than I could afford. 409 00:26:29,600 --> 00:26:31,160 Well, this could be your lucky day. 410 00:26:31,160 --> 00:26:35,520 Why? Dermot's found out the result of the raffle. (Oh, Jesus.) 411 00:26:35,520 --> 00:26:37,680 I have? 412 00:26:37,680 --> 00:26:40,560 Yes, you have, Mr Dublin Greyhound and WHIPPETS! 413 00:26:42,520 --> 00:26:45,080 So come on, son, announce the result. 414 00:26:45,080 --> 00:26:48,680 Oh, yeah, the raffle. Yes, the in-the-kitchen-in-the-red-box raffle. 415 00:26:48,680 --> 00:26:52,000 The result is... Hang on a minute. Let me get my tickets out. 416 00:27:01,000 --> 00:27:02,760 Fire away, Dermot. 417 00:27:02,760 --> 00:27:05,360 The winner of the 5,000 euro... 418 00:27:05,360 --> 00:27:08,560 And the 1,000 euro bonus. What! 419 00:27:11,520 --> 00:27:15,160 ..and the 1,000 euro bonus is Winnie McGoogan. 420 00:27:18,440 --> 00:27:20,400 You see, Winnie, I told you. 421 00:27:20,400 --> 00:27:22,840 Everything works out just the way it was supposed to. Yes. 422 00:27:22,840 --> 00:27:27,840 You can buy us all a drink. I will. Let's all get down to Foleys and get this feckin' party started. 423 00:27:27,840 --> 00:27:29,680 ♪ When I wake up When I wake up 424 00:27:29,680 --> 00:27:31,320 ♪ I know I'm going to be 425 00:27:31,320 --> 00:27:34,240 ♪ I'm going to be the man who wakes up next to you 426 00:27:34,240 --> 00:27:36,720 ♪ And when I go out 427 00:27:36,720 --> 00:27:41,320 ♪ I know I'm gonna be, I'm gonna be... ♪ I'll follow yous down. 428 00:27:41,320 --> 00:27:42,840 Go on. 429 00:27:50,280 --> 00:27:51,320 Agnes. 430 00:27:55,720 --> 00:27:57,920 Jesus Christ, Winnie. 431 00:27:57,920 --> 00:28:03,400 You know you were saying about us two marrying our best friends? Yes? 432 00:28:03,400 --> 00:28:06,840 Well, I didn't marry my best friend. 433 00:28:06,840 --> 00:28:09,800 I moved in beside her. 434 00:28:15,080 --> 00:28:16,640 I wonder who that fecking was. 435 00:28:20,560 --> 00:28:22,280 Goodnight, friends. 436 00:28:24,720 --> 00:28:30,160 ♪ Say hello to the queen of Dublin town 437 00:28:30,160 --> 00:28:36,600 ♪ As the best mum of all She wears the crown 438 00:28:36,600 --> 00:28:39,840 ♪ Mother hen watching all her chicks 439 00:28:39,840 --> 00:28:42,680 ♪ A sassy old lady full of tricks 440 00:28:42,680 --> 00:28:48,360 ♪ It's a safe bet She'd never let life get her down 441 00:28:48,360 --> 00:28:51,160 ♪ She's Mrs Brown 442 00:28:51,160 --> 00:28:54,960 ♪ That's Mrs Brown 443 00:28:54,960 --> 00:28:56,640 ♪ Our Mrs Brown. ♪ 444 00:28:56,640 --> 00:28:58,960 Subtitles by Red Bee Media Ltd 445 00:28:58,960 --> 00:29:01,280 E-mail subtitling@bbc.co.uk 9999 00:00:0,500 --> 00:00:2,00 www.tvsubtitles.net