1 00:00:02,560 --> 00:00:09,880 This programme contains strong language 2 00:00:11,400 --> 00:00:15,680 Ladies and gentlemen. Welcome to Mrs Brown's Boys! 3 00:00:15,680 --> 00:00:18,200 ♪ She's Mrs Brown 4 00:00:18,200 --> 00:00:21,240 ♪ That's Mrs Brown 5 00:00:21,240 --> 00:00:23,960 ♪ Our Mrs Brown. ♪ 6 00:00:29,880 --> 00:00:32,880 Come along, Granddad. Hello? 7 00:00:36,080 --> 00:00:38,520 All right, Granddad, you take your time now. 8 00:00:39,520 --> 00:00:41,760 Are you too warm? 9 00:00:41,760 --> 00:00:43,280 Yes. 10 00:00:43,280 --> 00:00:46,760 Right then, let's get this jacket and jumper off. 11 00:01:30,520 --> 00:01:33,040 Ah, that's better! 12 00:01:41,880 --> 00:01:43,320 Na! 13 00:01:43,320 --> 00:01:45,280 Morning Mrs Brown. 14 00:01:50,800 --> 00:01:52,000 Good morning, Lord. 15 00:01:52,000 --> 00:01:54,840 Are you all right? 16 00:01:54,840 --> 00:01:56,520 Just struggling a bit! 17 00:01:58,760 --> 00:02:06,280 Lift your left arm. A bit more. That's it. Now lean forward. 18 00:02:09,720 --> 00:02:10,800 Now the other arm. 19 00:02:13,640 --> 00:02:14,840 Lean forward a bit more. 20 00:02:22,000 --> 00:02:23,480 Did you want something, Lord? 21 00:02:23,480 --> 00:02:26,120 No, just bringing Granddad home. 22 00:02:26,120 --> 00:02:29,800 Well, it's about fecking time. 23 00:02:29,800 --> 00:02:31,760 I mean, the Lord's will be done. 24 00:02:31,760 --> 00:02:33,400 I'll be with YOU in a minute! 25 00:02:35,480 --> 00:02:37,880 But I-I've barely lived. 26 00:02:39,120 --> 00:02:40,920 Show a shred of human decency! 27 00:02:41,920 --> 00:02:43,000 Mammy? 28 00:02:43,000 --> 00:02:45,160 Don't interrupt the fecking picture! 29 00:02:47,160 --> 00:02:49,400 Please, please, let me stay a little longer. 30 00:02:49,400 --> 00:02:52,120 Please. Please! 31 00:02:52,120 --> 00:02:54,120 Hello, Father Quinn. 32 00:02:54,120 --> 00:02:56,280 Hello, Cathy. 33 00:02:57,640 --> 00:02:58,720 Shit! 34 00:02:58,720 --> 00:03:00,400 There's shit on the floor! Shit! 35 00:03:03,840 --> 00:03:05,640 Let me get that, Father. 36 00:03:05,640 --> 00:03:08,640 Come on, Granddad, let's get you upstairs for a nap. 37 00:03:10,760 --> 00:03:13,000 I'm just dropping Granddad back from the funeral. 38 00:03:13,000 --> 00:03:14,280 Why? What did he do? 39 00:03:14,280 --> 00:03:16,760 Granddad? Well, he didn't do anything. 40 00:03:16,760 --> 00:03:19,480 I was passing here anyway so I just thought I'd drop him off. 41 00:03:19,480 --> 00:03:22,120 Ah right, well you probably haven't time for a cuppa. 42 00:03:22,120 --> 00:03:23,520 No, thank you. 43 00:03:23,520 --> 00:03:26,000 No, I've got this! 44 00:03:26,000 --> 00:03:29,120 Father Quinn! Drinking during the day? Are you all right? 45 00:03:29,120 --> 00:03:31,320 No, Mrs Brown, I am not all right! 46 00:03:31,320 --> 00:03:33,880 Father, I didn't say sit down. 47 00:03:33,880 --> 00:03:36,720 I just buried Mr Jones this morning. 48 00:03:36,720 --> 00:03:40,880 I promised him heaven but what if there is no heaven? 49 00:03:40,880 --> 00:03:42,640 He's just buried? 50 00:03:42,640 --> 00:03:45,800 I wouldn't worry about him coming back to complain, Father! 51 00:03:45,800 --> 00:03:48,120 Mrs Brown, I'm losing my faith. 52 00:03:48,120 --> 00:03:50,640 You're about to lose your fecking hand now if you don't let go! 53 00:03:51,640 --> 00:03:55,080 I'm sorry, Mrs Brown. I'm just afraid. 54 00:03:55,080 --> 00:03:56,640 Soon I won't have a flock! 55 00:03:56,640 --> 00:04:01,000 I don't think you're allowed, Father. I think it's against the rules. 56 00:04:01,000 --> 00:04:02,840 Mrs Brown, have they called here? Have they? 57 00:04:02,840 --> 00:04:03,960 Who? Have who called? 58 00:04:03,960 --> 00:04:06,880 The Missionaries, from the Church of Latter Day Saints. 59 00:04:06,880 --> 00:04:08,400 Nobody's called here, Father. 60 00:04:08,400 --> 00:04:12,400 You know, they have converted four families in the last six months. 61 00:04:12,400 --> 00:04:15,240 Well, wait a minute, Father, these missionaries, 62 00:04:15,240 --> 00:04:17,800 do they believe in God? Well, Yes. 63 00:04:17,800 --> 00:04:19,280 Well, then what's the problem? 64 00:04:19,280 --> 00:04:22,880 We're all on the same bus, who gives a shite who the driver is? 65 00:04:22,880 --> 00:04:24,280 I give a shite! 66 00:04:24,280 --> 00:04:27,320 Father, you watch your fucking language in this house! 67 00:04:29,640 --> 00:04:33,760 Now, Father, look, what you need to do, you need to get into your car 68 00:04:33,760 --> 00:04:35,040 and drive home! 69 00:04:35,040 --> 00:04:37,280 Father, these things are sent to test us. 70 00:04:37,280 --> 00:04:38,400 Do you think so? Oh, yes! 71 00:04:38,400 --> 00:04:42,880 Come on. Now look, Father, what you need to do is, 72 00:04:42,880 --> 00:04:45,280 well, just keep the faith. 73 00:04:45,280 --> 00:04:46,680 The faith! The faith! 74 00:04:46,680 --> 00:04:47,880 Yes, the faith. 75 00:04:48,880 --> 00:04:50,800 But, just in case, drive carefully. 76 00:04:52,920 --> 00:04:55,400 Father, would you not be better in the front seat? 77 00:05:00,920 --> 00:05:03,800 Well, my God, what do you make of that? 78 00:05:07,320 --> 00:05:09,480 I suppose it's hard for religion nowadays. 79 00:05:11,520 --> 00:05:13,320 The older generations are dying off 80 00:05:13,320 --> 00:05:17,240 and the youngsters just don't seem to have any fecking interest. 81 00:05:21,480 --> 00:05:24,440 It's hard for God to compete with, you know, 82 00:05:24,440 --> 00:05:26,440 fecking World Of Warcraft! 83 00:05:29,440 --> 00:05:31,680 Would anybody hear God's message nowadays 84 00:05:31,680 --> 00:05:33,480 unless he sends it by fecking text! 85 00:05:38,520 --> 00:05:41,160 It was Father Quinn who helped my son, Trevor, when he wanted 86 00:05:41,160 --> 00:05:42,960 to go away on the missions. 87 00:05:42,960 --> 00:05:44,720 He's in Africa now. 88 00:05:44,720 --> 00:05:45,880 Oh, the Chinese love him! 89 00:05:47,760 --> 00:05:50,120 Father Quinn looked awful! 90 00:05:50,120 --> 00:05:52,360 He thinks he's losing his faith. 91 00:05:52,360 --> 00:05:54,960 I think he's losing his booking marbles! 92 00:06:02,840 --> 00:06:04,320 Knob fell off, 93 00:06:04,320 --> 00:06:06,600 just like me husband! 94 00:06:09,760 --> 00:06:11,680 Hiya, Mammy! 95 00:06:11,680 --> 00:06:14,720 Jesus, you're not talking as well! 96 00:06:14,720 --> 00:06:17,400 Oh, hello, love, do you want a cup of tea? 97 00:06:17,400 --> 00:06:18,720 Yes, please! What's up? 98 00:06:18,720 --> 00:06:20,320 CRASHING 99 00:06:20,320 --> 00:06:22,800 Ken's after knocking the fucking wall down again. 100 00:06:30,720 --> 00:06:34,080 Oh, the fecking washing machine's clapped out! 101 00:06:34,080 --> 00:06:36,320 I'll have to get Mark down to look at it. 102 00:06:36,320 --> 00:06:39,000 All Granddad's clothes are stuck in it. 103 00:06:39,000 --> 00:06:40,560 Granddad, you'll have to wait! 104 00:06:40,560 --> 00:06:43,040 No, not there. 105 00:06:43,040 --> 00:06:45,640 Come on, up to your room and play with your yo-yo. 106 00:06:47,040 --> 00:06:49,000 He lost the string, it's only a YO now! 107 00:06:50,000 --> 00:06:53,000 I won't be home later, Mammy. I'm meeting Mick. 108 00:06:53,000 --> 00:06:56,600 Oh, Mick has been around longer than any other boyfriend, Cathy. 109 00:06:56,600 --> 00:06:58,640 You like him, don't you? You like him a lot! 110 00:06:58,640 --> 00:07:02,400 Could be the one! A Brown dating a policeman! Who'd have thought? 111 00:07:02,400 --> 00:07:04,480 Good for you! 112 00:07:04,480 --> 00:07:07,120 Is there tea going? 113 00:07:07,120 --> 00:07:09,280 Ah, here's the newlyweds! 114 00:07:09,280 --> 00:07:11,680 Do you want tea? No, I'm late for work. 115 00:07:14,120 --> 00:07:15,520 Goodbye, chicken! 116 00:07:17,520 --> 00:07:19,880 You look like you could have stayed in bed a bit longer. 117 00:07:19,880 --> 00:07:22,400 Yeah, restless night! 118 00:07:23,520 --> 00:07:26,520 I'll head off. I'll get a coffee in town. 119 00:07:26,520 --> 00:07:27,840 See yous! 120 00:07:27,840 --> 00:07:30,080 Now, love. 121 00:07:31,120 --> 00:07:33,880 Winnie must be happy with Jacko coming home from the hospital. 122 00:07:33,880 --> 00:07:35,520 I'll believe it when I see it. 123 00:07:35,520 --> 00:07:38,600 He's definitely coming home today. I saw it on the discharge order. 124 00:07:38,600 --> 00:07:40,640 We'll see. Are you all right, Maria? 125 00:07:41,720 --> 00:07:43,000 I'm fine. 126 00:07:43,000 --> 00:07:45,480 Are you still upset about last night? 127 00:07:45,480 --> 00:07:46,400 Last night? 128 00:07:46,400 --> 00:07:50,680 I heard you and Dermot arguing. I wasn't listening on purpose, just it was so warm, I thought 129 00:07:50,680 --> 00:07:52,000 I'd sleep on the landing. 130 00:07:55,480 --> 00:07:57,480 I worry about you, that's all. I just worry. 131 00:07:57,480 --> 00:08:00,200 Look, we have to get our own place. I know, I heard. 132 00:08:01,480 --> 00:08:04,640 But Dermot won't even come and look at flats with me 133 00:08:04,640 --> 00:08:06,120 and we can't stay here forever! 134 00:08:06,120 --> 00:08:07,640 You don't hear me complaining. 135 00:08:07,640 --> 00:08:11,480 I know, Mrs Brown, but a place of our own! 136 00:08:11,480 --> 00:08:12,880 I know, love. 137 00:08:12,880 --> 00:08:16,000 There's barely enough room for the four of you, never mind us. 138 00:08:16,000 --> 00:08:19,280 Agnes, love. Oh, Jesus phone an ambulance, pet! 139 00:08:19,280 --> 00:08:20,640 What's wrong, Winnie? 140 00:08:20,640 --> 00:08:23,400 I was getting Jacko out of the taxi from the hospital 141 00:08:23,400 --> 00:08:26,120 and Father Quinn's after driving over him! 142 00:08:26,120 --> 00:08:27,920 Jesus! 143 00:08:27,920 --> 00:08:30,160 Winnie! Winnie! 144 00:08:46,520 --> 00:08:48,840 Get you lads a drink? 145 00:08:48,840 --> 00:08:50,360 Eh, no thank you, officer! 146 00:08:55,720 --> 00:08:57,520 They must have something on. 147 00:08:57,520 --> 00:08:58,560 I hope not! 148 00:09:00,160 --> 00:09:02,440 SHE BURPS 149 00:09:02,440 --> 00:09:03,480 Excuse me, Winnie. 150 00:09:04,600 --> 00:09:05,640 A broken leg. 151 00:09:05,640 --> 00:09:08,800 How many times has Jacko broke his leg? 152 00:09:10,160 --> 00:09:11,320 Eight. 153 00:09:11,320 --> 00:09:13,840 But the other one was only five. Oh! 154 00:09:14,680 --> 00:09:17,800 A broken leg and a few bruises. I suppose he was lucky! 155 00:09:17,800 --> 00:09:20,440 Well, that's how I always think of him. Lucky Jacko(!) 156 00:09:25,400 --> 00:09:29,000 Father Quinn didn't come out of it well. No? 157 00:09:29,000 --> 00:09:30,920 No, he's in a bad way, Winnie. 158 00:09:30,920 --> 00:09:32,280 He's losing his faith! 159 00:09:32,280 --> 00:09:34,280 Where did he lose his faith? I don't know. 160 00:09:34,280 --> 00:09:38,280 He was talking about not having a flock. I was embarrassed. Oh, yeah! 161 00:09:38,280 --> 00:09:41,400 I didn't ask any questions. Mr Foley! 162 00:09:42,680 --> 00:09:44,360 Thank you. 163 00:09:44,360 --> 00:09:47,520 He's worried about missionaries pushing another religion there. 164 00:09:47,520 --> 00:09:50,160 Ah! What he needs is a miracle! 165 00:09:50,160 --> 00:09:52,760 Maybe you're right. Yeah! 166 00:09:52,760 --> 00:09:54,280 Why don't you do a miracle? What? 167 00:09:54,280 --> 00:09:56,520 Get up and pay for that booking round. 168 00:09:56,520 --> 00:09:58,280 Ah, very funny(!) 169 00:10:08,880 --> 00:10:11,000 I have to get that washing machine fixed! 170 00:10:12,360 --> 00:10:14,960 Ah, good girl, Winnie! There you go, Pet! 171 00:10:14,960 --> 00:10:17,640 I hope you got me fresh ice now, not that fecking frozen stuff! 172 00:10:18,920 --> 00:10:20,160 That's all they had, Agnes! 173 00:10:20,160 --> 00:10:22,840 Ah, feck off, Agnes! 174 00:10:22,840 --> 00:10:25,840 I swear to God, Winnie, you'd swallow an anchor! 175 00:10:25,840 --> 00:10:29,360 Do you know, we could get Father Quinn to Lourdes 176 00:10:29,360 --> 00:10:32,840 and hope for a miracle! I've seen a miracle in Lourdes once. 177 00:10:32,840 --> 00:10:36,160 Did you? There was a man in a wheelchair. Yeah. 178 00:10:36,160 --> 00:10:38,080 Then they pushed him into the water 179 00:10:38,080 --> 00:10:41,520 and suddenly all the lights got brighter, all the candles flickered. 180 00:10:41,520 --> 00:10:43,080 You could feel a chill 181 00:10:43,080 --> 00:10:45,480 and then they pushed him out the other side. 182 00:10:45,480 --> 00:10:47,080 And he got up and walked? No. 183 00:10:47,080 --> 00:10:49,480 But the wheelchair had two new tyres! 184 00:10:53,760 --> 00:10:55,240 It's a doddle, Dermot. 185 00:10:55,240 --> 00:10:57,720 The house is empty and they have a warehouse. 186 00:10:57,720 --> 00:11:00,480 I could do with some money to get us a place. 187 00:11:00,480 --> 00:11:03,680 But I promised Maria that I'd never burgle a house again. 188 00:11:03,680 --> 00:11:05,760 Fair enough, we'll just do the warehouse. 189 00:11:07,600 --> 00:11:11,000 OK, I'll take a look. Now, no promises. Just a look! 190 00:11:11,000 --> 00:11:12,920 Ah, brilliant! 191 00:11:12,920 --> 00:11:18,160 You've a marvellous pair of hands, son. Gifted, gifted like Jockey Wilson! 192 00:11:18,840 --> 00:11:22,440 Yeah, Ma, listen. I don't think I'll get this fixed today. 193 00:11:22,440 --> 00:11:24,520 Ah, you're fecking useless! 194 00:11:24,520 --> 00:11:26,680 Switch off the power, Ma, for a minute. 195 00:11:26,680 --> 00:11:28,480 Power going off! 196 00:11:28,480 --> 00:11:30,040 OK, Mammy! 197 00:11:30,040 --> 00:11:31,920 KNOCKING 198 00:11:31,920 --> 00:11:34,240 What do you want, Granddad? Has the power gone off? 199 00:11:34,240 --> 00:11:35,520 No, you've gone blind! 200 00:11:37,040 --> 00:11:39,880 They have a top-of-the-range security system. What kind? 201 00:11:39,880 --> 00:11:42,720 The Mercury infra-red scan! No bother. 202 00:11:42,720 --> 00:11:45,440 Just give me a mirror and a bit of Blu-Tack and that's done! 203 00:11:45,440 --> 00:11:47,360 And they have cameras, five of them, 204 00:11:47,360 --> 00:11:49,880 two of them night vision. Power coming back on! 205 00:11:53,600 --> 00:11:55,000 And we can silence the alarms. 206 00:11:55,000 --> 00:11:58,400 We can silence the bell with a bit of putty. 207 00:11:59,960 --> 00:12:03,560 So then Tom Cruise comes out of the roof with a bit of rope 208 00:12:03,560 --> 00:12:07,360 and a torch in his mouth and he sets off all the alarms. 209 00:12:07,360 --> 00:12:11,440 HE HUMS MISSION IMPOSSIBLE TUNE 210 00:12:13,280 --> 00:12:16,640 Ah, Dermo, it's a brilliant movie, you have to get it on DVD! 211 00:12:16,640 --> 00:12:19,240 Hello, Cathy! Hello, officer! 212 00:12:19,240 --> 00:12:20,440 Right, listen. I'm off! 213 00:12:20,440 --> 00:12:22,800 Do you fancy a drink, Dermo? 214 00:12:33,520 --> 00:12:35,120 Hello, son. 215 00:12:35,120 --> 00:12:37,080 Granddad? You still awake? Yeah! 216 00:12:38,560 --> 00:12:40,800 Were you at George Mumford's funeral? Yeah! 217 00:12:40,800 --> 00:12:42,400 Good craic afterwards? Yeah! 218 00:12:42,400 --> 00:12:45,000 Were they all saying what a nice man he was? Yeah! 219 00:12:45,000 --> 00:12:47,880 He must have been a good soul, so. He was a shit! 220 00:12:48,880 --> 00:12:51,760 Some of us are trying to sleep up here. 221 00:12:51,760 --> 00:12:56,560 Why don't yous get together and come up and scream in me fecking ear! 222 00:12:56,560 --> 00:12:59,880 What are yous doing up at this hour of the night? 223 00:12:59,880 --> 00:13:01,640 Talking, Ma, just talking. 224 00:13:01,640 --> 00:13:04,280 I sat up till after midnight waiting for that thing 225 00:13:04,280 --> 00:13:06,880 to start on the fecking telly. 226 00:13:06,880 --> 00:13:07,920 Grand Prix. 227 00:13:11,520 --> 00:13:12,640 Wasted my time. 228 00:13:14,080 --> 00:13:16,960 It was all about fecking racing cars! 229 00:13:17,720 --> 00:13:22,000 Granddad was just telling me how everyone was saying nice things 230 00:13:22,000 --> 00:13:25,280 about George Mumford at the wake. That's nice. You hated him. 231 00:13:25,280 --> 00:13:27,560 Ah, he was a shit, nobody liked him! 232 00:13:27,560 --> 00:13:32,000 Ah, but still! Still what? Yous all make me sick! Do we? 233 00:13:32,000 --> 00:13:35,000 And what nice things will people say about me at my funeral? 234 00:13:35,000 --> 00:13:36,520 Yes, if they both turn up! 235 00:13:38,080 --> 00:13:40,640 And I won't be around to hear them say it! 236 00:13:40,640 --> 00:13:44,000 That's the way it goes, Granddad Once you die, you go deaf! 237 00:13:44,000 --> 00:13:46,760 A man should be allowed to attend his own funeral. 238 00:13:46,760 --> 00:13:49,840 That's a great one. I think that'll catch on(!) 239 00:13:51,040 --> 00:13:52,400 He could, you know. 240 00:13:52,400 --> 00:13:56,280 Of course he could! I do forget we're related to fecking Lazarus! 241 00:13:57,880 --> 00:14:01,280 How would a man do that now, be at his own funeral, explain that to me! 242 00:14:01,280 --> 00:14:04,400 We could just tell everyone he's dead, have a pretend funeral, 243 00:14:04,400 --> 00:14:06,360 let Granddad hear what's being said. 244 00:14:06,360 --> 00:14:09,360 A pretend funeral? What's going on? You're just in time. 245 00:14:09,360 --> 00:14:12,160 Welcome to the Twilight Zone! Wait till you hear this. 246 00:14:12,160 --> 00:14:17,040 Come on, Brains Trust, tell them your big plan. Come on, Alfred Pitchfork! 247 00:14:18,720 --> 00:14:22,280 Granddad wants to hear all the nice things said about him at his funeral. 248 00:14:22,280 --> 00:14:25,120 At his OWN funeral now! His own fecking funeral! 249 00:14:25,120 --> 00:14:30,000 So I suggested we have a pretend funeral, and let Granddad, you know, hear them! 250 00:14:30,000 --> 00:14:31,160 That might work! 251 00:14:33,760 --> 00:14:36,560 That could be great fun. I could be real sad. 252 00:14:40,720 --> 00:14:43,880 Am I the only sane person in this fecking house? 253 00:14:45,120 --> 00:14:49,880 A pretend funeral! I haven't been in mourning since your father died. 254 00:14:49,880 --> 00:14:52,760 Everyone said I looked lovely in that black dress. 255 00:14:52,760 --> 00:14:54,520 I still have it. Have you, Mammy? 256 00:14:54,520 --> 00:14:58,680 Oh, yes. You know, in case of, erm... 257 00:14:58,680 --> 00:14:59,760 a special occasion. 258 00:15:01,560 --> 00:15:05,560 No, no, we'd never get away with it. We would, Ma! 259 00:15:05,560 --> 00:15:08,800 I know a couple of lads, undertakers. They'd lend me a coffin. 260 00:15:08,800 --> 00:15:10,400 We could lay him out in the house. 261 00:15:10,400 --> 00:15:14,880 I could do his hair and make-up like in funeral parlours. Father Quinn could say prayers. 262 00:15:14,880 --> 00:15:18,000 That might be the last thing he does as a priest! 263 00:15:18,000 --> 00:15:23,160 And we could all have a flower to drop on the coffin as it's going down the hole. 264 00:15:24,520 --> 00:15:27,760 Easy, Ma! We're not going that far. Fecking spoilsport! 265 00:15:30,960 --> 00:15:34,440 We could always say nothing and just cremate him? 266 00:15:35,920 --> 00:15:37,920 He'll think he was in Torremolinos! 267 00:15:39,560 --> 00:15:43,680 When? When will we do it? No, not Monday - bingo. 268 00:15:43,680 --> 00:15:45,560 Not Wednesday - pilates. 269 00:15:45,560 --> 00:15:48,360 Not Thursday - my training course. It can't be Tuesday. 270 00:15:48,360 --> 00:15:51,400 Are yous all too busy to let me die? 271 00:15:51,400 --> 00:15:54,240 Shut up, you, and wait your fecking turn! 272 00:15:54,240 --> 00:15:56,920 You wouldn't die last month when I asked you to. 273 00:15:56,920 --> 00:16:00,920 Hold on, nobody mentioned Friday. How's Friday? 274 00:16:00,920 --> 00:16:03,600 If we do this, we don't tell anybody, only family. 275 00:16:03,600 --> 00:16:07,160 And certainly not Winnie. You know what she's fecking like! 276 00:16:07,160 --> 00:16:10,720 Oh, wait now, we'd better ask the corpse. 277 00:16:10,720 --> 00:16:13,240 Granddad, how would you like to die on Friday? 278 00:16:13,240 --> 00:16:17,960 Friday is grand! Friday it is, then! 279 00:16:25,200 --> 00:16:30,160 Dermot! Dermot, you watch your time - you don't want to be late for work! 280 00:16:30,160 --> 00:16:32,600 OK, Mammy. Just getting my costume. 281 00:16:32,600 --> 00:16:36,080 DOOR BELL RINGS 282 00:16:36,080 --> 00:16:39,760 Mammy, that might be the lads with the coffin. Oh, right! 283 00:16:42,200 --> 00:16:43,440 Hello, ma'am! 284 00:16:43,440 --> 00:16:47,040 Come in, come in. Come in, quick! Don't let anybody see you! 285 00:16:47,040 --> 00:16:48,280 Thank you, ma'am. 286 00:16:51,840 --> 00:16:54,920 I've been expecting you! Excellent. 287 00:16:54,920 --> 00:16:57,240 We are here to shine a light on the path to God, 288 00:16:57,240 --> 00:17:00,240 and, may I just say, we are delighted with such a welcome. 289 00:17:04,600 --> 00:17:07,560 Ah, that's very nice. Have you got it with you now? 290 00:17:07,560 --> 00:17:09,000 I'm sorry, have we got what? 291 00:17:09,000 --> 00:17:11,320 The coffin - is it out in the big black car? 292 00:17:11,320 --> 00:17:14,440 Uh, we walked here. You walked?! 293 00:17:14,440 --> 00:17:16,960 You didn't carry it up the fecking road?! 294 00:17:16,960 --> 00:17:19,480 It's supposed to be a surprise! 295 00:17:21,560 --> 00:17:23,320 Ma'am, we may be confusing you. 296 00:17:23,320 --> 00:17:26,240 I'm Elder Bush and this here is Elder Peach. Howdy, ma'am! 297 00:17:26,240 --> 00:17:30,040 Are you the undertakers? No, ma'am! We're Mormons. 298 00:17:30,040 --> 00:17:33,520 Oh, son, don't be putting yourself down. 299 00:17:33,520 --> 00:17:36,920 They used to say that about my child in school, but he turned out fine. 300 00:17:36,920 --> 00:17:41,440 No, ma'am - Mormons, from the Church of Latter-day Saints. 301 00:17:41,440 --> 00:17:42,520 The Church...? 302 00:17:43,920 --> 00:17:46,440 You're the two that Father... 303 00:17:46,440 --> 00:17:48,840 How do, do, do! 304 00:17:48,840 --> 00:17:50,400 Do sit down! 305 00:17:50,400 --> 00:17:52,120 Why, thank you, Ma'am, how kind! 306 00:17:52,120 --> 00:17:53,880 Not at all! 307 00:17:53,880 --> 00:17:56,840 I want to find out what all the fecking fuss is about! 308 00:17:56,840 --> 00:17:59,520 A lovely home you have here. Thank you very much, son. 309 00:17:59,520 --> 00:18:03,160 Well, we're just a normal family, trying to get by. Hello, sir! 310 00:18:03,160 --> 00:18:04,920 Oh, don't mind him, 311 00:18:04,920 --> 00:18:08,720 he's just excited about his funeral tomorrow. 312 00:18:11,640 --> 00:18:14,480 Well, my name is Agnes, or Mrs Brown, 313 00:18:14,480 --> 00:18:18,200 whichever you think is most appropriate. That's fine, Mrs Brown. 314 00:18:18,200 --> 00:18:20,520 May we begin with a few moments of silent prayer? 315 00:18:20,520 --> 00:18:21,920 Ha ha ha! 316 00:18:23,200 --> 00:18:24,480 Seriously? 317 00:18:27,000 --> 00:18:29,760 All right, just keep your voices down. 318 00:18:45,400 --> 00:18:46,440 That's my son. 319 00:18:48,880 --> 00:18:50,120 He's a big cock! 320 00:18:59,720 --> 00:19:01,840 Sugars, boys? How many sugars in your tea? 321 00:19:01,840 --> 00:19:06,160 We don't drink tea! Of course you don't, you're American! 322 00:19:07,360 --> 00:19:10,200 How many sugars in your cap-in-chino? 323 00:19:10,200 --> 00:19:16,400 We don't drink cappuccino either, or alcohol, or anything that might taint our system. OK. 324 00:19:16,400 --> 00:19:20,040 For we believe our bodies are the temple of the Lord, 325 00:19:20,040 --> 00:19:24,600 and if this be so, then who would defile a temple knowingly? 326 00:19:24,600 --> 00:19:27,680 A fecking "No" would have done! 327 00:19:27,680 --> 00:19:29,920 What if we just sneak out? 328 00:19:32,960 --> 00:19:34,440 Now, where were we? 329 00:19:35,760 --> 00:19:38,520 We were talking about the Old Testament. 330 00:19:38,520 --> 00:19:39,960 The Old Testament, yeah. 331 00:19:39,960 --> 00:19:41,280 ♪ Hallelujah 332 00:19:41,280 --> 00:19:43,400 ♪ Hallelujah 333 00:19:43,400 --> 00:19:45,880 ♪ Hallelujah, hallelujah, ha... ♪ 334 00:19:45,880 --> 00:19:47,960 Comes from down there, look... 335 00:19:47,960 --> 00:19:49,240 ♪ Hallelujah 336 00:19:49,240 --> 00:19:53,880 ♪ Hallelujah, hallelujah hallelujah! ♪ 337 00:19:53,880 --> 00:19:55,480 Don't mind me, son - 338 00:19:55,480 --> 00:19:58,880 that's just the way we used to do it in the old days. 339 00:19:58,880 --> 00:20:02,720 In my day, you know. It's all changed now, isn't it? Yeah, all modern, yeah. 340 00:20:02,720 --> 00:20:03,760 ♪ Hallelu... ♪ 341 00:20:03,760 --> 00:20:04,800 SHE BEATBOXES 342 00:20:08,000 --> 00:20:09,080 West side! 343 00:20:11,160 --> 00:20:14,560 Actually, Mrs Brown, we were talking about Abraham. 344 00:20:14,560 --> 00:20:16,000 Very good story, yeah. 345 00:20:16,000 --> 00:20:17,840 Yes, it is, ma'am. Yes, it is. 346 00:20:17,840 --> 00:20:22,040 Yeah, sad, but at the end, when he's riding his chariot 347 00:20:22,040 --> 00:20:26,640 and the wheel came off, that was sad. 348 00:20:28,640 --> 00:20:30,720 Oh, no, wait, that was Kirk Douglas. 349 00:20:33,560 --> 00:20:37,320 Oh, Abraham! Of course, yes! He invented the snip. 350 00:20:37,320 --> 00:20:41,520 The snip? The snip, you know, snip! 351 00:20:43,800 --> 00:20:46,760 It's a very good story, that, it is, but it's made up. 352 00:20:46,760 --> 00:20:50,040 I'm sorry, Mrs Brown? It's made up. A lot of the Bible is made up. 353 00:20:50,040 --> 00:20:53,040 They had to, cos otherwise it'd be only be a pamphlet. 354 00:20:53,040 --> 00:20:57,440 I don't think so, Ma'am. Norman's Ark, that's made up! I believe his name was Noah. 355 00:20:57,440 --> 00:21:01,720 Well, I believe in Ireland we call him fucking Norman! 356 00:21:01,720 --> 00:21:04,600 That's made up, love. No, Ma'am! 357 00:21:04,600 --> 00:21:06,880 Yes, son. Think about it, think about it! 358 00:21:06,880 --> 00:21:10,000 I have, ma'am, I... Son, son, it rains for 40 days and 40 nights. 359 00:21:10,000 --> 00:21:12,720 That's right. And they called it a disaster. Yes. 360 00:21:12,720 --> 00:21:16,480 In Ireland, we call that the fecking summer! 361 00:21:19,040 --> 00:21:25,120 It's made up! I mean, here. What did he have on his boat? Norman, what did Norman...? 362 00:21:25,120 --> 00:21:28,400 Are you looking up the fecking answers? 363 00:21:28,400 --> 00:21:29,440 I'm sorry! 364 00:21:30,680 --> 00:21:34,000 What did he have on his boat? I'll give you a hint. 365 00:21:34,000 --> 00:21:36,120 ♪ He had green alligators 366 00:21:36,120 --> 00:21:38,280 ♪ And long-necked geese 367 00:21:38,280 --> 00:21:41,200 ♪ Humpety-back camels 368 00:21:41,200 --> 00:21:42,600 ♪ And chimpanzees 369 00:21:43,480 --> 00:21:46,440 ♪ Cats and rats and eph-e-lants 370 00:21:48,920 --> 00:21:51,920 ♪ But just couldn't find him a u-ni-corn! ♪ 371 00:21:51,920 --> 00:21:55,360 Come on, what did he have on the boat? Two of every animal. 372 00:21:55,360 --> 00:21:58,240 Two of every animal in the whole world! That's right. 373 00:21:58,240 --> 00:21:59,920 On a fucking boat?! 374 00:22:01,720 --> 00:22:05,400 Son, we had two hamsters for the month - they nearly shit out the house! 375 00:22:07,400 --> 00:22:10,160 We'd better be going now. No, no, wait! 376 00:22:10,160 --> 00:22:12,520 Hold on, I'm not fecking finished! 377 00:22:13,840 --> 00:22:17,960 The Three Wise Men! Wise?! They got fecking lost! 378 00:22:26,200 --> 00:22:29,640 Do you know what, Granddad? It fecking suits you! 379 00:22:29,640 --> 00:22:33,040 Lie down! Hey, Mammy - Granddad looks great. 380 00:22:33,040 --> 00:22:36,200 Doesn't he! I'm telling you, mahogany's his colour! 381 00:22:36,200 --> 00:22:39,480 Hi, Granddad! Don't talk to him, he's booking dead! 382 00:22:39,480 --> 00:22:43,200 What's this? It's Granddad's death certificate. 383 00:22:43,200 --> 00:22:45,840 Dr Flynn was drunk - I got him to write one out. 384 00:22:45,840 --> 00:22:47,840 You don't need a death certificate. 385 00:22:47,840 --> 00:22:51,640 Oh, yes, I do. He's due 15,000 euro from his union the day he dies. 386 00:22:51,640 --> 00:22:56,800 He's retired 15 years, I'm fucked if I'm waiting any longer! Mammy? 387 00:22:56,800 --> 00:22:58,920 It's not for me, it's for you two. 388 00:22:58,920 --> 00:23:01,680 Get you started in a place of your own. 389 00:23:01,680 --> 00:23:02,800 Thanks, Ma! 390 00:23:02,800 --> 00:23:06,040 Ah, "Thanks, Ma" me arse! I'm fed up of yous crowding me out. 391 00:23:06,040 --> 00:23:09,840 I have no fecking privacy. I want yous out. 392 00:23:11,320 --> 00:23:12,680 Thank you, Mrs Brown. 393 00:23:12,680 --> 00:23:16,960 Ah, don't thank me, love. Thank Granddad for dying prematurely! 394 00:23:16,960 --> 00:23:22,760 You look fantastic, Cathy! Thanks, Mammy. This is actually fun! 395 00:23:22,760 --> 00:23:24,480 I know, I'm getting excited! 396 00:23:24,480 --> 00:23:26,000 It's great practice for me, 397 00:23:26,000 --> 00:23:30,800 cos when he does go, it'll be all I can do to stop meself doing booking cartwheels! 398 00:23:32,640 --> 00:23:34,880 Mammy, there's loads of people arriving! 399 00:23:34,880 --> 00:23:39,240 Oh, lovely! Now, come on, let's get this show on the fecking road! 400 00:23:51,960 --> 00:23:56,840 Agnes, love. Aw, Jesus! I'm so sorry for your trouble, pet! 401 00:23:56,840 --> 00:23:59,440 Thank you, Winnie. It was such a shock! 402 00:24:00,440 --> 00:24:02,360 Where is he? 403 00:24:05,760 --> 00:24:09,760 Winnie, did you think that was the fucking buffet?! 404 00:24:09,760 --> 00:24:12,120 Jesus, Lord, would you look at him? Oh, God. 405 00:24:12,120 --> 00:24:14,560 It must have been a painful passing. 406 00:24:15,760 --> 00:24:18,560 ♪ Oh, peace in the valley 407 00:24:18,560 --> 00:24:20,960 ♪ Peace where he lies... ♪ 408 00:24:20,960 --> 00:24:24,400 Winnie, love, that's grand. 409 00:24:26,040 --> 00:24:28,760 Winnie, did somebody tell you it was a fecking karaoke? 410 00:24:28,760 --> 00:24:31,680 DOOR BELL RINGS 411 00:24:31,680 --> 00:24:34,760 They're here, get Mama Cass off the floor, Cathy! 412 00:24:36,360 --> 00:24:39,480 God bless all in this house. 413 00:24:41,840 --> 00:24:45,920 Thank you, Father... I know. 414 00:24:45,920 --> 00:24:47,600 He's... I know. 415 00:24:47,600 --> 00:24:48,680 I... I know! 416 00:24:48,680 --> 00:24:50,280 How do you fucking know?! 417 00:24:51,640 --> 00:24:54,440 Will we begin? 418 00:24:54,440 --> 00:24:58,720 The Lord giveth and the Lord taketh away. Too true! Too true! 419 00:24:58,720 --> 00:25:02,760 He gives us always the promise of heaven. And hell for the sinners! 420 00:25:02,760 --> 00:25:05,960 Winnie, it's not a booking debate! 421 00:25:05,960 --> 00:25:07,920 Granddad Brown was a good man. 422 00:25:09,920 --> 00:25:14,240 Let us recall his contribution to our lives. This won't take long! 423 00:25:14,240 --> 00:25:18,240 For without him, there'd be none of you here today. No Agnes... 424 00:25:18,240 --> 00:25:20,400 He's not MY father. Mammy! 425 00:25:20,400 --> 00:25:22,400 ..none of her children, grandchildren. 426 00:25:22,400 --> 00:25:24,400 I never thought of it that way. 427 00:25:24,400 --> 00:25:27,520 Let us take a moment to remember him 428 00:25:27,520 --> 00:25:30,480 Would anybody like to say a word in his memory? 429 00:25:34,480 --> 00:25:35,520 OK, then. 430 00:25:36,720 --> 00:25:38,280 ALL GASP 431 00:25:38,280 --> 00:25:40,520 Has nobody anything good to say? 432 00:25:40,520 --> 00:25:43,360 He's... He's not dead! 433 00:25:43,360 --> 00:25:48,800 No, he's alive! Oh, my God! It's a miracle! It's a miracle, Father! 434 00:25:48,800 --> 00:25:51,800 How did you do it, Father Quinn? How did you do it? 435 00:25:51,800 --> 00:25:54,360 Well, I don't know. I raised my arms in the air! 436 00:25:54,360 --> 00:25:57,400 ALL: He raised his arms in the air! 437 00:25:57,400 --> 00:26:01,080 And then I looked up to the Lord. ALL: He looked up to the Lord! 438 00:26:03,280 --> 00:26:04,840 ♪ He put his hands up in the air 439 00:26:04,840 --> 00:26:06,360 ♪ He put his hands up in the air 440 00:26:06,360 --> 00:26:08,160 ♪ And he said a little prayer 441 00:26:08,160 --> 00:26:09,640 ♪ And he said a little prayer 442 00:26:09,640 --> 00:26:11,400 ♪ I've never seen the like before 443 00:26:11,400 --> 00:26:13,200 ♪ Never seen the like before 444 00:26:13,200 --> 00:26:15,080 ♪ Granddad's back from death's door 445 00:26:15,080 --> 00:26:16,680 ♪ Granddad's back from death's door 446 00:26:16,680 --> 00:26:18,560 ♪ So if your life is full of sin 447 00:26:18,560 --> 00:26:20,120 ♪ If your life is full of sin 448 00:26:20,120 --> 00:26:21,720 ♪ Just send out for Father Quinn 449 00:26:21,720 --> 00:26:23,720 ♪ Father Quinn, Father Quinn 450 00:26:23,720 --> 00:26:25,440 ♪ Father Quinn, Father Quinn 451 00:26:25,440 --> 00:26:29,240 ♪ Father Quinn, Father Quinn 452 00:26:29,240 --> 00:26:31,200 ♪ He just raised his hands on high 453 00:26:31,200 --> 00:26:32,640 ♪ He just raised his hands on high 454 00:26:32,640 --> 00:26:34,120 ♪ He asked the Lord to hear his cry 455 00:26:34,120 --> 00:26:35,760 ♪ Asked the Lord to hear his cry 456 00:26:35,760 --> 00:26:37,760 ♪ The darkest secrets from my past 457 00:26:37,760 --> 00:26:39,160 ♪ Darkest secrets from her past 458 00:26:39,160 --> 00:26:41,320 ♪ Are laid to rest for me at last 459 00:26:41,320 --> 00:26:42,640 ♪ Laid to rest for her at last 460 00:26:42,640 --> 00:26:44,400 ♪ It doesn't matter where you've been 461 00:26:44,400 --> 00:26:46,320 ♪ It doesn't matter where you've been 462 00:26:46,320 --> 00:26:48,080 ♪ Just send out for Father Quinn 463 00:26:48,080 --> 00:26:49,840 ♪ Father Quinn, Father Quinn 464 00:26:49,840 --> 00:26:51,680 ♪ Father Quinn, Father Quinn 465 00:26:51,680 --> 00:26:54,240 ♪ Father Quinn, Father Quinn 466 00:26:56,720 --> 00:26:59,240 ♪ Father Quinn, Father Quinn 467 00:26:59,240 --> 00:27:01,160 ♪ Father Quinn, Father Quinn 468 00:27:01,160 --> 00:27:03,600 ♪ You waited for a sign from him 469 00:27:03,600 --> 00:27:05,480 ♪ You waited for a sign from him 470 00:27:05,480 --> 00:27:07,640 ♪ Instead of your faith being dead 471 00:27:07,640 --> 00:27:09,880 ♪ Your faith being dead 472 00:27:09,880 --> 00:27:12,080 ♪ You worked a miracle instead 473 00:27:12,080 --> 00:27:14,360 ♪ Worked a miracle instead 474 00:27:14,360 --> 00:27:16,640 ♪ Now you have the power within 475 00:27:16,640 --> 00:27:18,800 ♪ Now you have the power within 476 00:27:18,800 --> 00:27:21,560 ♪ For God's sake, there's your sign Father Quinn! 477 00:27:21,560 --> 00:27:25,320 ♪ Father Quinn, Father Quinn! ♪ 478 00:27:29,160 --> 00:27:31,000 CHEERING AND APPLAUSE 479 00:27:33,960 --> 00:27:38,800 You see, I told you. It all works out the way it's supposed to! Now, don't sit there - 480 00:27:38,800 --> 00:27:40,840 get up and dance! Come on! 481 00:27:41,840 --> 00:27:44,600 ♪ He raised his hands up high 482 00:27:44,600 --> 00:27:46,360 ♪ Asked the Lord to hear his cry 483 00:27:48,080 --> 00:27:49,960 ♪ Darkest secrets from the past... ♪ 484 00:27:49,960 --> 00:27:51,640 Yeah! 485 00:27:51,640 --> 00:27:54,680 ♪ Laid to rest for her at last 486 00:27:54,680 --> 00:27:56,800 ♪ Doesn't matter where you've been 487 00:27:56,800 --> 00:27:59,200 ♪ Just send out for Father Quinn 488 00:27:59,200 --> 00:28:00,720 ♪ Father Quinn, Father Quinn 489 00:28:00,720 --> 00:28:02,280 ♪ Father Quinn, Father Quinn 490 00:28:02,280 --> 00:28:05,320 ♪ Father Quinn, Father Quinn! ♪ 491 00:28:13,520 --> 00:28:16,560 Subtitles by Red Bee Media Ltd 492 00:28:16,560 --> 00:28:19,600 E-mail subtitling@bbc.co.uk 9999 00:00:0,500 --> 00:00:2,00 www.tvsubtitles.net