1 00:00:11,291 --> 00:00:15,887 It's The Muppet Show, with tonight's guest star Mr, JoeI Grey! 2 00:00:24,237 --> 00:00:26,262 # It's time to play the music 3 00:00:26,340 --> 00:00:28,331 # It's time to light the lights 4 00:00:28,408 --> 00:00:32,469 # It's time to meet the Muppets on The Muppet Show tonight 5 00:00:32,546 --> 00:00:34,537 # It's time to put on makeup 6 00:00:34,614 --> 00:00:36,605 # It's time to dress up right 7 00:00:36,683 --> 00:00:40,483 # It's time to raise the curtain on The Muppet Show tonight 8 00:00:44,191 --> 00:00:46,182 In our house we use paper plates, 9 00:00:46,259 --> 00:00:50,855 and every night after dinner my wife erases the dishes, 10 00:00:52,165 --> 00:00:54,156 # To introduce our guest star 11 00:00:54,234 --> 00:00:56,031 # That's what I'm here to do 12 00:00:56,103 --> 00:00:58,333 # So it really makes me happy 13 00:00:58,405 --> 00:01:00,703 # To introduce to you 14 00:01:00,774 --> 00:01:02,765 Mr, JoeI Grey! 15 00:01:04,711 --> 00:01:09,671 # Give 'em the old razzle dazzle 16 00:01:09,750 --> 00:01:11,513 # Razzle dazzle 'em 17 00:01:11,585 --> 00:01:14,577 # Willkommen, bienvenue 18 00:01:16,990 --> 00:01:18,981 # Our show tonight will feature 19 00:01:19,059 --> 00:01:21,118 # Some stuff that looks like this 20 00:01:27,868 --> 00:01:29,597 Yoo-hoo! Yoo-hoo! 21 00:01:31,238 --> 00:01:35,038 # But now let's get things started on the most sensationaI, inspirationaI 22 00:01:35,108 --> 00:01:37,167 # CelebrationaI, MuppetationaI 23 00:01:37,244 --> 00:01:39,576 # This is what we call 24 00:01:39,646 --> 00:01:42,376 # The Muppet Show 25 00:01:47,954 --> 00:01:50,821 Welcome, And what a show we have for you tonight, 26 00:01:50,891 --> 00:01:54,827 How would you like to see 4,000 woodpeckers performing an aeriaI ballet 27 00:01:54,895 --> 00:01:59,662 while 8 7 gorillas and two dozen elephants do the dance of the sugar plum fairy? 28 00:01:59,733 --> 00:02:04,227 Well, forget it, Because instead we've got JoeI Grey as a guest star, 29 00:02:04,304 --> 00:02:07,102 Which, in a way, is like having all the excitement of everything I mentioned 30 00:02:07,174 --> 00:02:09,938 without having to clean up afterwards, 31 00:02:10,010 --> 00:02:12,137 But right now, let's get things rolling on The Muppet Show, 32 00:02:12,212 --> 00:02:14,680 where we have "Comedy Tonight," 33 00:02:18,752 --> 00:02:20,481 # Something familiar 34 00:02:20,554 --> 00:02:22,317 # Something peculiar 35 00:02:22,389 --> 00:02:24,254 # Something for everyone 36 00:02:24,324 --> 00:02:26,121 # A comedy tonight 37 00:02:26,193 --> 00:02:28,252 # Something appealing 38 00:02:28,328 --> 00:02:30,193 # Something appalling 39 00:02:30,263 --> 00:02:33,960 # Something for everyone, a comedy tonight 40 00:02:34,034 --> 00:02:36,002 # Nothing with kings 41 00:02:36,069 --> 00:02:38,128 # Nothing with crowns 42 00:02:38,205 --> 00:02:42,107 # Bring on the lovers, liars and clowns 43 00:02:42,175 --> 00:02:43,938 # Old situations 44 00:02:44,010 --> 00:02:45,807 # New complications 45 00:02:45,879 --> 00:02:48,677 # Nothing portentous or polite 46 00:02:49,783 --> 00:02:53,810 # Tragedy tomorrow, comedy tonight 47 00:03:09,636 --> 00:03:11,331 # Nothing of fate 48 00:03:11,404 --> 00:03:13,395 # Nothing of state 49 00:03:13,473 --> 00:03:16,806 # Weighty affairs will just have to wait 50 00:03:16,877 --> 00:03:17,468 Wait! 51 00:03:17,544 --> 00:03:19,341 # Nothing that's formaI 52 00:03:19,412 --> 00:03:21,209 # Nothing that's normaI 53 00:03:21,281 --> 00:03:24,512 # No recitations to recite 54 00:03:25,652 --> 00:03:27,643 # Open up the curtain 55 00:03:29,189 --> 00:03:33,182 # Comedy tonight 56 00:03:38,965 --> 00:03:41,559 Well, the show is speeding along very quickly this evening, 57 00:03:41,635 --> 00:03:47,130 Oh, yes, Someone must have told 'em it's harder to hit a moving target, 58 00:03:49,175 --> 00:03:51,166 Hiya, Kermit, - Oh, hi, there, Fozzie, 59 00:03:51,244 --> 00:03:54,611 Listen, you better go get ready, Go in the dressing room and get ready, would you? 60 00:03:54,681 --> 00:03:56,205 Dressing room, Uh, uh... 61 00:03:56,283 --> 00:04:00,481 I had a dressing room so small all the mice were hunchbacked, Ha ha, 62 00:04:00,554 --> 00:04:03,648 Please, Fozzie, no jokes right now, I'm a tired frog, 63 00:04:03,723 --> 00:04:04,917 Tired frog, 64 00:04:04,991 --> 00:04:09,155 I knew a frog who got so tired he fell asleep during his nap, Ha ha, 65 00:04:09,229 --> 00:04:12,494 Fozzie, what is this? - Oh, see, it's my new act, Yeah, 66 00:04:12,566 --> 00:04:17,435 See, it's jokes on any subject, You tell the subject and the bear does a joke on it, 67 00:04:17,504 --> 00:04:20,632 Go ahead, go ahead, go ahead, - Fozzie, please, 68 00:04:20,707 --> 00:04:21,696 Please, 69 00:04:21,775 --> 00:04:24,209 Take my wife... Please, Ha ha, 70 00:04:24,277 --> 00:04:27,178 Fozzie, why don't you just go in the dressing room and get ready, OK? 71 00:04:27,247 --> 00:04:30,273 Dressing room, I had a dressing room so small... 72 00:04:30,350 --> 00:04:31,908 I heard it, - Oh, 73 00:04:31,985 --> 00:04:35,580 But what do you think about the act, Frog? Mm? 74 00:04:35,655 --> 00:04:38,624 Well, Fozzie, um... It's got possibilities, 75 00:04:38,692 --> 00:04:40,592 Ah! - Yeah, Why don't you work on it? 76 00:04:40,660 --> 00:04:42,423 Oh, boy, - Alone, 77 00:04:42,495 --> 00:04:43,757 Oh, 78 00:04:43,830 --> 00:04:45,525 Uh, alone, 79 00:04:45,599 --> 00:04:47,089 Alone, 80 00:04:47,167 --> 00:04:49,226 This bear was left alone, 81 00:04:56,876 --> 00:05:00,869 Would you be interested in seeing the five Temptations? 82 00:05:00,947 --> 00:05:06,044 Could you just show me a couple? I'm not as young as I used to be, 83 00:05:06,119 --> 00:05:07,552 Two, three, four, 84 00:05:07,787 --> 00:05:09,118 Two, three, four, 85 00:05:09,189 --> 00:05:12,317 You know, George, I come from a very old family, 86 00:05:12,392 --> 00:05:15,850 Uh, mine's older, - Oh, really? How old? 87 00:05:15,929 --> 00:05:18,989 Uh, my family's so old it's been condemned, 88 00:05:19,065 --> 00:05:20,464 Two, three, four, 89 00:05:20,533 --> 00:05:25,163 Boy, my brother is really something, He's got girls eating out of his hand, 90 00:05:25,238 --> 00:05:26,762 Oh? 91 00:05:26,840 --> 00:05:29,400 Is he a lover? - No, a waiter, 92 00:05:29,476 --> 00:05:30,807 Oh, 93 00:05:31,344 --> 00:05:34,040 You know, I'm really stuck on you, 94 00:05:34,114 --> 00:05:37,550 Oh, how sweet, You love me? 95 00:05:37,617 --> 00:05:39,346 No, I'm just stuck on you, 96 00:05:39,419 --> 00:05:41,614 Ah! 97 00:06:00,240 --> 00:06:03,141 Ladies and gentlemen, it is with great pride and pleasure 98 00:06:03,209 --> 00:06:05,939 that yours truly, Kermit the Frog, 99 00:06:06,012 --> 00:06:10,005 introduces the internationaI star of stage and screen Mr, JoeI Grey, 100 00:06:17,424 --> 00:06:18,948 Thank you, Kermit, 101 00:06:19,025 --> 00:06:22,051 I can't tell you what a pleasure it is for me to be here 102 00:06:22,128 --> 00:06:24,892 appearing in the Muppet cabaret, 103 00:06:24,964 --> 00:06:28,695 Never have I entertained in such a place before, 104 00:06:28,768 --> 00:06:31,293 So unusuaI, So bizarre, 105 00:06:31,371 --> 00:06:34,602 The most incredible nightclub by far, 106 00:06:34,674 --> 00:06:40,544 # Willkommen, bienvenue, welcome 107 00:06:40,613 --> 00:06:42,171 # Fremde 108 00:06:42,248 --> 00:06:43,579 # Etranger 109 00:06:43,650 --> 00:06:46,551 # Stranger 110 00:06:46,619 --> 00:06:49,349 # Glucklich zu sehen 111 00:06:49,422 --> 00:06:52,721 # Je suis enchantee 112 00:06:52,792 --> 00:06:55,886 # Happy to see you 113 00:06:55,962 --> 00:06:58,954 # Bliebe, reste, stay 114 00:06:59,032 --> 00:07:00,431 # Willkommen 115 00:07:00,500 --> 00:07:01,865 # Bienvenue 116 00:07:01,935 --> 00:07:03,800 # Welcome 117 00:07:03,870 --> 00:07:05,360 # Im cabaret 118 00:07:05,438 --> 00:07:06,871 # Au cabaret 119 00:07:06,940 --> 00:07:10,341 # To cabaret 120 00:07:11,478 --> 00:07:13,605 Meine Damen und Herren. 121 00:07:13,680 --> 00:07:15,511 Mesdames et Messieurs. 122 00:07:15,582 --> 00:07:17,345 Ladies and gentlemen, 123 00:07:17,417 --> 00:07:19,578 Guten Abend. - Bonsoir. 124 00:07:19,652 --> 00:07:21,586 Good evening, 125 00:07:21,654 --> 00:07:23,349 Wie gehts? 126 00:07:23,423 --> 00:07:24,947 Comment ca va? 127 00:07:25,024 --> 00:07:26,616 Do you feeI good? 128 00:07:26,693 --> 00:07:29,184 Ich bin euer Conferencier. 129 00:07:29,262 --> 00:07:31,355 Je suis votre compere. 130 00:07:31,431 --> 00:07:34,400 I am your host, - I am your guest, 131 00:07:34,467 --> 00:07:35,764 Gotcha, 132 00:07:35,835 --> 00:07:40,465 # Willkommen, bienvenue, welcome 133 00:07:40,540 --> 00:07:47,946 # Im cabaret, au cabaret, to cabaret 134 00:07:48,014 --> 00:07:51,848 Here life is beautifuI, The customers are beautifuI, 135 00:07:51,918 --> 00:07:54,182 Even the orchestra is beautifuI, 136 00:07:54,254 --> 00:07:57,621 Have you ever seen such a beautifuI orchestra? 137 00:07:59,993 --> 00:08:02,962 Well, maybe in a zoo, 138 00:08:03,029 --> 00:08:05,327 Even the dancers are beautifuI, 139 00:08:08,501 --> 00:08:11,766 If your standards aren't too high, 140 00:08:11,838 --> 00:08:16,673 # Willkommen, bienvenue, welcome 141 00:08:16,743 --> 00:08:19,769 # Im cabaret, au cabaret 142 00:08:19,846 --> 00:08:21,074 # Wir sagen 143 00:08:21,147 --> 00:08:25,277 # Willkommen, bienvenue, welcome 144 00:08:27,187 --> 00:08:30,213 # Fremde, etranger 145 00:08:30,290 --> 00:08:32,281 # Stranger 146 00:08:33,526 --> 00:08:36,290 # Glucklich zu sehen 147 00:08:36,362 --> 00:08:39,593 # Je suis enchante 148 00:08:39,666 --> 00:08:42,658 # Happy to see you 149 00:08:42,735 --> 00:08:45,135 # Bliebe, reste, stay 150 00:08:45,205 --> 00:08:48,663 # Wir sagen 151 00:08:48,741 --> 00:08:54,941 # Willkommen, bienvenue, welcome 152 00:08:55,014 --> 00:08:58,973 # Im cabaret 153 00:08:59,052 --> 00:09:01,486 # Au cabaret 154 00:09:01,554 --> 00:09:05,820 # To cabaret 155 00:09:15,602 --> 00:09:20,505 Uh, another star in the tradition of the late, great Boris Klinger, 156 00:09:20,573 --> 00:09:23,974 Boris Klinger?! Why, you old fooI, 157 00:09:24,043 --> 00:09:28,309 Boris Klinger was the worst music-hall act to ever step onto the stage, 158 00:09:28,381 --> 00:09:29,780 In your opinion, maybe, 159 00:09:29,849 --> 00:09:33,341 but more than 2,000 people attended his finaI performance, 160 00:09:33,419 --> 00:09:39,517 Yes, yes, Half of them brought the tar and the rest brought the feathers, 161 00:09:42,428 --> 00:09:43,986 Hiya, Hilda, 162 00:09:44,063 --> 00:09:46,031 Oh, hello, Fozzie, 163 00:09:46,099 --> 00:09:50,092 Fozzie, have you seen my glasses? 164 00:09:50,169 --> 00:09:52,160 Glasses, glasses, Uh... 165 00:09:52,238 --> 00:09:54,604 I knew a minister once who was so religious 166 00:09:54,674 --> 00:09:57,837 when he read the Bible he wore stained glasses, 167 00:09:57,911 --> 00:10:00,379 What is this? - It's my new act, see, 168 00:10:00,446 --> 00:10:04,678 Jokes on any subject, Yeah, pretty good, huh? Nothing stops the old Fozzie Bear, 169 00:10:04,751 --> 00:10:06,946 I wish something would, 170 00:10:07,020 --> 00:10:09,511 Wood, wood, Two bears go into the woods... 171 00:10:09,589 --> 00:10:13,423 Never mind, I've found my glasses, 172 00:10:13,493 --> 00:10:15,654 Found, found, found... 173 00:10:15,728 --> 00:10:18,993 Well, JoeI, you know, I just can't tell you 174 00:10:19,065 --> 00:10:21,898 how pleased we are to have you with us here tonight, 175 00:10:21,968 --> 00:10:23,629 Thanks very much, Kermit, - You know, 176 00:10:23,703 --> 00:10:26,536 I understand that you come from an old show-business family, don't you, JoeI? 177 00:10:26,606 --> 00:10:27,732 Yes, actually... 178 00:10:27,807 --> 00:10:31,038 You appeared on stage at the ripe old age of ten, huh? 179 00:10:31,110 --> 00:10:32,236 Yes, - Yeah, mm-hm, 180 00:10:32,312 --> 00:10:34,678 I understand you were also born in Cleveland, Ohio, 181 00:10:34,747 --> 00:10:37,011 but now you live in New York with your wife Jo, 182 00:10:37,083 --> 00:10:39,608 and your two children Jimmy and Jennifer, 183 00:10:39,686 --> 00:10:42,621 Plus three cats, two dogs, a turtle and three Frisbees, 184 00:10:42,689 --> 00:10:44,884 How do you know all that? - Yeah, Let me ask you something, 185 00:10:44,958 --> 00:10:48,018 Well, now that you're with us, why don't you, uh... 186 00:10:48,094 --> 00:10:52,531 why don't you just tell us a little about yourself? 187 00:10:52,598 --> 00:10:55,032 Actually, there's not much left to tell, 188 00:10:55,635 --> 00:10:57,796 Oh, 189 00:10:57,870 --> 00:11:00,532 Boy, what a dull guest, 190 00:11:00,606 --> 00:11:04,372 Dull, my foot, Why, that young man is one of the all-time greats, 191 00:11:04,444 --> 00:11:05,741 Do you hear me? One of the greats, 192 00:11:05,812 --> 00:11:09,145 Well, you'll get no argument from me on that, 193 00:11:09,215 --> 00:11:12,742 That may be the first time we ever agreed on anything in our lives, 194 00:11:12,819 --> 00:11:17,256 No, We once agreed in the summer of 1 91 2, yes, 195 00:11:17,323 --> 00:11:18,312 What was that? 196 00:11:18,391 --> 00:11:22,293 We agreed that Kaiser Bill looked silly in a hat, 197 00:11:22,362 --> 00:11:23,693 Remember? 198 00:11:23,763 --> 00:11:25,560 No, 199 00:11:30,103 --> 00:11:33,402 Ah, Turkey - land of my dreams, 200 00:11:33,473 --> 00:11:36,442 All the Turkish delights - the Turkish women, 201 00:11:36,509 --> 00:11:39,444 the coffee, the towels, 202 00:11:39,512 --> 00:11:42,447 In every way my heart belongs to Turkey, 203 00:11:42,515 --> 00:11:45,712 But lo, what lovely Eastern maiden approacheth? 204 00:11:45,785 --> 00:11:47,776 Pachalafaka. 205 00:11:49,756 --> 00:11:51,917 # Pachalafaka 206 00:11:52,158 --> 00:11:54,683 # Pachalafaka 207 00:11:54,761 --> 00:11:59,061 # They whisper it all over Turkey 208 00:11:59,132 --> 00:12:01,100 # Pachalafaka 209 00:12:01,334 --> 00:12:03,996 # Pachalafaka 210 00:12:04,070 --> 00:12:08,439 # It sounds so romantic and perky 211 00:12:08,508 --> 00:12:10,499 # Oh, I know that phrase 212 00:12:10,576 --> 00:12:12,942 # Will make me thrill always 213 00:12:13,012 --> 00:12:17,642 # For it reminds me of you, my sweet 214 00:12:17,717 --> 00:12:19,912 # Just the mention of 215 00:12:19,986 --> 00:12:22,477 # That tender word of love 216 00:12:22,555 --> 00:12:27,151 # Gives my heart a jerkish Turkish beat 217 00:12:27,226 --> 00:12:29,694 # I won't say "c'est bon" 218 00:12:29,762 --> 00:12:32,162 # Or "I'amour toujours" 219 00:12:32,231 --> 00:12:36,895 # For they can't express what I'm feeling 220 00:12:36,969 --> 00:12:38,960 # Even "mairzy doats" 221 00:12:39,038 --> 00:12:41,666 # Or other foreign quotes 222 00:12:41,741 --> 00:12:46,075 # Don't seem to be quite so appealing 223 00:12:46,145 --> 00:12:48,739 # But pachalafaka 224 00:12:48,815 --> 00:12:51,147 # Pachalafaka 225 00:12:51,217 --> 00:12:56,052 # Takes me back with you to passionate desert scenes 226 00:12:56,122 --> 00:12:58,488 # And it's where we'll stay 227 00:12:58,558 --> 00:13:00,822 # Till the very day 228 00:13:00,893 --> 00:13:05,523 # We find out what "pachalafaka" means 229 00:13:05,765 --> 00:13:14,173 # We find out what "pachalafaka" means 230 00:13:16,109 --> 00:13:17,838 Argh! 231 00:13:23,216 --> 00:13:26,708 You have got to do something about that Fozzie Bear, 232 00:13:26,786 --> 00:13:29,482 Yes, he's driving us bananas, - Yes, 233 00:13:29,555 --> 00:13:33,958 Yeah, If he don't stop with those jokes on any subject, I'll kill him, 234 00:13:34,026 --> 00:13:37,359 I tell you, guys, I don't really know exactly what to do about it, 235 00:13:37,430 --> 00:13:39,489 Sh! Here he comes, 236 00:13:39,565 --> 00:13:43,001 Well, now that's a thought, see, If you don't like his jokes, don't say anything, 237 00:13:43,069 --> 00:13:45,503 Oh, - Uh... 238 00:13:45,571 --> 00:13:48,938 How you doin', Kermit? How you doin', George? 239 00:13:49,008 --> 00:13:50,999 How you doin', George? 240 00:13:51,777 --> 00:13:53,506 Oh... 241 00:13:53,579 --> 00:13:58,710 I get it, The old silent treatment, huh? Gonna be quiet on Fozzie, huh? Uh... 242 00:13:58,784 --> 00:14:00,877 Let's see, Quiet, quiet, quiet, 243 00:14:00,953 --> 00:14:04,787 Yeah, I knew a town that was so quiet, when someone turned the lights off, 244 00:14:04,857 --> 00:14:07,417 everybody yelled, "What was that?" 245 00:14:07,493 --> 00:14:08,926 No, no, 246 00:14:08,995 --> 00:14:13,489 She had "yes, yes" in her eyes, but "no, no"s on her face, 247 00:14:13,566 --> 00:14:16,057 Uh, tell you, Fozzie... - Yeah, terrific, huh? Yeah, 248 00:14:16,135 --> 00:14:19,366 Well, these jokes of yours are starting to bug everybody, 249 00:14:19,438 --> 00:14:20,871 Bug, bug, bug... 250 00:14:20,940 --> 00:14:23,204 Bug out! 251 00:14:23,276 --> 00:14:25,608 Bug out? What kind of joke is that? 252 00:14:25,678 --> 00:14:27,839 Well, that was no joke, Fozzie, 253 00:14:27,914 --> 00:14:30,178 That was my wife, 254 00:14:30,983 --> 00:14:33,247 Hi, JoeI, Hey, why the hat? 255 00:14:33,319 --> 00:14:36,413 I got my new car outside, Gonzo, You wanna go for a spin? 256 00:14:36,489 --> 00:14:38,184 Sure, 257 00:14:38,257 --> 00:14:40,248 Gonzo, Hey, 258 00:14:40,326 --> 00:14:44,626 Relax, relax, I didn't mean actually go for a spin, It's just a phrase, like... 259 00:14:44,697 --> 00:14:47,188 You don't actually bite the hand that feeds you, do you? 260 00:14:47,266 --> 00:14:49,564 I mean, one doesn't eat one's heart out, does one? 261 00:14:49,635 --> 00:14:52,126 I mean, one doesn't talk through one's hat, 262 00:14:52,205 --> 00:14:55,106 I hope not, I can talk for myself, 263 00:14:55,908 --> 00:14:58,342 I think I'm going bananas, 264 00:14:58,411 --> 00:15:01,403 I thought you were going for a spin, 265 00:15:02,748 --> 00:15:04,739 You're in for a speciaI treat tonight, folks, 266 00:15:04,817 --> 00:15:07,809 as Fozzie Bear, the comedy star of our show, 267 00:15:07,887 --> 00:15:13,291 displays his ready wit and nimble mind in a test of comedy that would stump the best, 268 00:15:13,359 --> 00:15:17,352 You just name a subject and Fozzie Bear will instantly give you a joke, 269 00:15:17,430 --> 00:15:22,094 So here he is now, the fastest fur in the west, Mr, Fozzie Bear! 270 00:15:22,168 --> 00:15:24,193 Thank you, thank you, Yeah, Mwah, 271 00:15:24,270 --> 00:15:27,831 Thank you, Mwah, Love you, Yeah, 272 00:15:27,907 --> 00:15:31,434 Here I am, Fozzie Bear, jokes on request, 273 00:15:31,510 --> 00:15:34,707 You name anything, any word, any subject, 274 00:15:34,780 --> 00:15:38,216 and I, Fozzie Bear, will hit you with a great joke about it, 275 00:15:38,284 --> 00:15:42,050 Don't be afraid, just yell 'em out and I'll yell 'em back, Come on! 276 00:15:42,121 --> 00:15:43,952 Amoeba, 277 00:15:44,023 --> 00:15:45,012 Huh? 278 00:15:45,091 --> 00:15:47,355 He said "amoeba," - Hm, 279 00:15:47,426 --> 00:15:51,055 Uh... amoeb... Sorry, no foreign words, Next, 280 00:15:51,130 --> 00:15:53,598 The word is only foreign to you, - That's right, 281 00:15:53,666 --> 00:15:55,691 Anybody else? Over there? 282 00:15:55,768 --> 00:15:58,532 You said any word, - And he said "amoeba," 283 00:15:58,604 --> 00:16:01,903 Right, - Right, Amoeba, Uh, uh... 284 00:16:01,974 --> 00:16:03,066 Could I come back to that? 285 00:16:03,142 --> 00:16:05,337 Fake, - Fake, He's a fake, 286 00:16:05,411 --> 00:16:06,742 Fake, - Fake, 287 00:16:06,812 --> 00:16:09,781 Fake? Fake? Fake, am I? 288 00:16:09,849 --> 00:16:11,976 OK, That does it, Give me that word again, 289 00:16:12,051 --> 00:16:14,246 Amoeba! 290 00:16:14,687 --> 00:16:17,053 Right, Amoeba, 291 00:16:17,123 --> 00:16:18,920 Two amoebas walked out of a bar, 292 00:16:18,991 --> 00:16:21,721 One amoeba says to the other, "Say, is that the sun or the moon?" 293 00:16:21,794 --> 00:16:24,957 And the other amoeba says, "I don't know, I don't live around here," 294 00:16:29,535 --> 00:16:31,526 He did it, He's OK, 295 00:16:31,604 --> 00:16:35,438 He certainly did, What does "amoeba" mean, anyway? 296 00:16:35,508 --> 00:16:39,444 I don't know, I don't live around here either, 297 00:16:40,546 --> 00:16:42,480 Now the Muppet Players are proud to present 298 00:16:42,548 --> 00:16:45,449 a little-known classic of Arthur Conan Doyle 299 00:16:45,518 --> 00:16:51,286 entitled Sherlock Holmes and the Case of the Disappearing Clues. 300 00:16:55,328 --> 00:16:58,229 Sherlock Holmes here, Watson there, 301 00:16:58,297 --> 00:17:01,266 Oh, Mr, Holmes, I'm so glad you're here, 302 00:17:01,334 --> 00:17:04,167 It's murder, Mr, Holmes, Murder, 303 00:17:05,504 --> 00:17:07,062 Just calm down, my dear lady, 304 00:17:07,139 --> 00:17:10,472 Dr, Watson and I will have this case solved in no time, Right, Watson? 305 00:17:10,543 --> 00:17:16,140 Of course, Holmes can solve any crime by a simple process of deduction, 306 00:17:16,215 --> 00:17:20,743 Yes, sir, The body of Lord Bottomley is right over there, 307 00:17:22,722 --> 00:17:26,590 Great heavens! Don't look, Watson, It's too horrible to gaze upon, 308 00:17:26,659 --> 00:17:29,526 What manner of fiend could have done this? 309 00:17:29,595 --> 00:17:34,123 Actually, I'm Fielding, the butler, Lord Bottomley lies over there, 310 00:17:36,369 --> 00:17:38,360 He's been shot, Holmes, 311 00:17:39,772 --> 00:17:41,637 Yes, yes, 312 00:17:42,108 --> 00:17:44,235 Hm, Give me a moment, 313 00:17:44,310 --> 00:17:46,039 Mm-hm, 314 00:17:47,380 --> 00:17:49,007 Of course! 315 00:17:49,081 --> 00:17:51,914 I arrest Fielding, the butler, for the murder of Lord Bottomley, 316 00:17:51,984 --> 00:17:54,145 Amazing, - Preposterous, 317 00:17:54,220 --> 00:17:58,520 Elementary, The butler's fingerprints are on this glass, 318 00:18:01,227 --> 00:18:05,561 Here is a photo of the butler committing the murder, 319 00:18:07,533 --> 00:18:12,527 The weapon in question, registered in the butler's name, 320 00:18:13,572 --> 00:18:17,508 And finally an eyewitness, the maid, who will seaI his doom, 321 00:18:17,576 --> 00:18:19,567 Excuse me, miss, 322 00:18:27,219 --> 00:18:30,552 So you see, Watson, pure deduction on the face of the evidence 323 00:18:30,623 --> 00:18:35,686 brings us to the only possible conclusion, and that is that the butler did it, 324 00:18:35,761 --> 00:18:40,892 But, Holmes, there is no evidence, so your logic is wrong, 325 00:18:40,966 --> 00:18:42,831 Logic is never wrong, Watson, 326 00:18:42,902 --> 00:18:46,998 If there is no evidence that the butler did it, and I certainly didn't do it, 327 00:18:47,072 --> 00:18:49,199 then the inescapable conclusion, Watson... 328 00:18:49,275 --> 00:18:52,802 Yes, yes? - ... is that you're the murderer, 329 00:19:02,521 --> 00:19:06,321 Mm, He's tough, - And the other inescapable conclusion 330 00:19:06,392 --> 00:19:10,351 is that, with no evidence and no killer, there was no murder, 331 00:19:10,429 --> 00:19:11,953 Ah, 332 00:19:13,232 --> 00:19:15,132 Gesundheit. 333 00:19:20,639 --> 00:19:24,769 Tonight, the great Gonzo has dug deep into his limitless repertoire 334 00:19:24,844 --> 00:19:28,803 to bring us an act never before seen on any stage anywhere in the world, 335 00:19:28,881 --> 00:19:31,509 And with his luck, it never will be seen again, 336 00:19:31,584 --> 00:19:35,452 Ladies and gentlemen, the greatest of all Gonzos, 337 00:19:37,122 --> 00:19:39,682 Tonight, dear patrons of the arts, 338 00:19:39,758 --> 00:19:45,162 I will, with this sledgehammer, demolish this vintage automobile 339 00:19:45,231 --> 00:19:48,758 to the music of the "AnviI Chorus," 340 00:19:50,803 --> 00:19:56,002 After which I will eat the crankcase a cappella, 341 00:20:05,417 --> 00:20:09,114 Yokels! Rubes! What do you know about great art? 342 00:20:09,188 --> 00:20:13,090 That does it, I'm giving up performing, 343 00:20:16,529 --> 00:20:18,156 Hey, Gonzo, 344 00:20:18,230 --> 00:20:20,755 You can call me "Great," 345 00:20:20,833 --> 00:20:22,767 Listen, uh, Great, 346 00:20:22,835 --> 00:20:26,236 I was just watching your act, you know, from offstage, 347 00:20:26,305 --> 00:20:29,240 and a couple of things occurred to me, as one artist to another, 348 00:20:29,308 --> 00:20:32,141 Do you think I should wear a top hat? 349 00:20:32,211 --> 00:20:34,736 It's more than a top hat, Gonz, 350 00:20:34,813 --> 00:20:37,907 I think it's the basic act, actually, 351 00:20:37,983 --> 00:20:41,749 I think what you need is some pizazz, You know what that means? 352 00:20:41,820 --> 00:20:43,811 Let me show you, 353 00:20:43,889 --> 00:20:49,384 # Just give 'em the old razzle dazzle 354 00:20:49,461 --> 00:20:51,452 # Razzle dazzle 'em 355 00:20:52,665 --> 00:20:56,863 # Give 'em an act with lots of flash in it 356 00:20:56,936 --> 00:21:01,066 # And the reaction will be passionate 357 00:21:01,140 --> 00:21:05,543 # Give 'em the old hocus-pocus 358 00:21:06,712 --> 00:21:09,203 # Bead and feather 'em 359 00:21:09,281 --> 00:21:17,086 # How can they see with sequins in their eyes? 360 00:21:17,156 --> 00:21:21,490 # What if your hinges all are rusting? 361 00:21:21,560 --> 00:21:26,190 # What if, in fact, you're just disgusting? 362 00:21:26,265 --> 00:21:28,199 # Razzle dazzle 'em 363 00:21:28,267 --> 00:21:33,705 # And they'll never catch wise 364 00:21:33,772 --> 00:21:37,970 # Give 'em the old razzle dazzle 365 00:21:38,043 --> 00:21:40,034 # Razzle dazzle 'em 366 00:21:41,614 --> 00:21:45,345 # Back since the days of old Methuselah 367 00:21:45,417 --> 00:21:47,214 # Everyone loves 368 00:21:47,286 --> 00:21:49,413 # The big bamboozler 369 00:21:49,488 --> 00:21:53,390 # Give 'em the old three-ring circus 370 00:21:53,459 --> 00:21:56,895 # Stun and stagger 'em 371 00:21:56,962 --> 00:22:02,491 # When you're in trouble go into your dance 372 00:22:04,637 --> 00:22:08,437 # Though you are stiffer than a girder 373 00:22:08,507 --> 00:22:12,739 # They let you get away with murder 374 00:22:12,811 --> 00:22:18,716 # Razzle dazzle 'em and you got a romance 375 00:22:19,985 --> 00:22:24,854 # Give 'em the old razzle dazzle 376 00:22:24,923 --> 00:22:27,448 # Razzle dazzle 'em 377 00:22:27,526 --> 00:22:31,394 # Give 'em an act that's unassailable 378 00:22:31,463 --> 00:22:35,365 # They'll wait a year till you're available 379 00:22:35,434 --> 00:22:39,871 # Give 'em the old double whammy 380 00:22:39,938 --> 00:22:42,736 # Daze and dizzy 'em 381 00:22:42,808 --> 00:22:50,442 # Show 'em the first-rate sorcerer you are 382 00:22:50,516 --> 00:22:54,282 # Long as you keep 'em way off balance 383 00:22:54,353 --> 00:22:55,945 # How can they spot 384 00:22:56,021 --> 00:22:58,717 # You got no talents? 385 00:22:58,791 --> 00:23:00,281 # Razzle dazzle 'em 386 00:23:00,526 --> 00:23:02,289 # Razzle dazzle 'em 387 00:23:02,528 --> 00:23:04,462 # Razzle dazzle 'em 388 00:23:04,530 --> 00:23:08,728 # And they'll make you a star 389 00:23:13,305 --> 00:23:18,333 Well, with an act like that, anybody can get applause, 390 00:23:22,281 --> 00:23:25,307 Hey, JoeI, we really wanna thank you for being with us on the show tonight, 391 00:23:25,384 --> 00:23:28,319 and I want you to know you'll always be willkommen here, 392 00:23:28,387 --> 00:23:31,049 Dankeschon, Herr Kermit, It was mein pleasure, 393 00:23:31,123 --> 00:23:34,320 Keep working on that accent, it might come in handy, 394 00:23:34,393 --> 00:23:37,829 Thank you all for joining us, and join us next week for The Muppet Show. 395 00:23:37,896 --> 00:23:39,887 The Muppet Show. 396 00:24:21,373 --> 00:24:23,807 More! More! - Not so loud, 397 00:24:23,876 --> 00:24:25,867 They may hear you,