It's The Muppet Show, with tonight's speciaI guest star, Mr, Jim Nabors,
# It's time to play the music
# It's time to light the lights
# It's time to meet the Muppets on The Muppet Show tonight
# It's time to put on makeup
# It's time to dress up right
# It's time to raise the curtain on The Muppet Show tonight
My cousin is so thin he paints his head gold and rents himself out as a flagpole,
# To introduce our guest star
# That's what I'm here to do
# So it really makes me happy
# To introduce to you...
Mr, Jim Nabors!
# But now let's get things started on the most sensationaI, inspirationaI
# CelebrationaI, MuppetationaI
# This is what we call
# The Muppet Show
Thank you, Thank you, thank you, All right,
Here we are once again with another great show for you,
with our speciaI guest star, Mr, Jim Nabors,
and all of this... all of this is coming to you, by the way,
from the Benny Vandergast MemoriaI Theater,
We on The Muppet Show owe everything to Benny,
Including three months back rent,
So in lieu of the rent, here's the fantastic Dr, Teeth with "Money,"
Yeah!
# Don't want no loving, don't want no kissing
# Don't want no girI to call me honey
# Don't want my name in the hall of fame
# Just want a big fat pile of money
# Give me that almighty dollar For that lettuce, hear me holler
# Give me buckets full of ducats Let me walk around and wallow
# In mazuma, el dinero Wanna be a millionaire-oh
# Give me money, money, money, money, money
# I want that green ammunition That's the stuff for which I'm wishing
# Fill my closets with deposits I'm a demon in addition
# Give me shekels, give me pesos, let me see their smiling face-ohs
# Money, money, money, money, money
# Wanna get me a suit that's made out of loot
# And whistle "The Wearing of the Green"
# I've got that monetary-itis, like to be just like King Midas
# Want that golden touch is what I mean
# Give me that old double eagle Want that tender that is legaI
# And financially substantiaI Any sum I can inveigle
# Wanna live in regaI splendor with that loving legaI tender
# Money, money, money, money, money
# I'm a greenback collector, I'm a paper-bill inspector
# I'm a savage for that cabbage Man, to me it's golden nectar
# Pour that filthy lucre on me Spread those loving germs upon me
# Money, money, money, money, money
# And if they ever plant trees of e pluribus unum
# I wanna be the guy that they send out to prune 'em
# Oh, give me money, money, Whoo, money, money, money
# Money
They don't write the old songs anymore,
Yeah,
They only write new ones, - Yeah, Huh?
Oh, Dr, Teeth, you are one hip dude,
Nice number, nice number, Don't lose any of that money though,
Oh, I won't, I won't,
Hi, Are you Kermit the Frog? - Uh, yeah,
I'm Scooter, - Cute, Cute name,
I'm your new gofer, - Gopher? No, no,
We have frogs, pigs and chickens around here, but we've never had a gopher,
Matter of fact, you don't even look like a gopher,
Yeah, well, you don't understand, You see, I'm your new gofer,
Yeah, I'll gofer coffee, I'll gofer sandwiches, I'll gofer anything you need,
I see, - Yeah, well, I work reaI cheap
and I got plenty of ideas for your theater, and I'll start tonight, OK?
Listen, kid, I'm sorry, but you're too young,
you don't have any experience, and I don't have any money for it in the budget,
Yeah, well, my uncle owns this theater,
You start today, Get me a cup of coffee, Your salary is 20 a week,
Stand by for the next number, - Could you make it 25?
Are you kidding? I can't afford it, - Gee, my uncle will be really disappointed,
How about 30?
My wife's not feeling well, - Oh, sorry to hear it, What's the trouble?
She's got the shingles,
Muppet news flash.
Billy Lee Boomer, a gas-station attendant from Penny Box, Texas,
reported a flying saucer landed at his station last night,
Said Mr, Boomer:
They didn't want no gas, they just wanted to use the restroom.
Can't say as I blame them. Said they'd traveled 83 million miles without a stop.
Hey, AnimaI, Are you on next? - Yeah,
Well, as they say in show business, break a leg,
Huh? - I said break a leg,
Oh, thank you,
Ow!
George, George, Come here, - I'm busy,
Come here, Have you met Scooter? This is Scooter,
He's our new gofer, so if you need anything around here, you know...
Need anything? Me? Need anything from some young kid? Huh,
Listen, kid, I've been with this theater since the very beginning, you know?
Before that new guy bought it and ruined it,
Now the roof leaks and the seats are torn, the furnace is on the fritz...
I tell you, he is the worst, - Yeah, he's my uncle,
He is the best,
What's a theater without problems? - Right,
Your uncle's got a good head on his shoulders,
Unlike some people around here,
Ten, eleven, twelve...
Yeah, go,
You know, my marriage was wrecked by something really stupid,
What was that? - My husband,
My doctor says I'm getting the Asian flu, - What did he say to do?
He says take two fortune cookies and he'd call me in the morning,
Do you believe in the hereafter? - Oh, yes,
Wow, then you know what I'm here after,
Oh, I just love this music,
Are you listening to me?
Your voice is music to my ears,
You got something I've been looking for all my life,
Well, it's halftime,
It is? - Yeah,
What's the score? - Muppets six, audience nothing,
All right, now this is what you call your dog kind of music here, as you'll see,
Sing it,
# Bowery corner
# Foggy night
# Passing crowd
# Electric light
Oh, yeah, Yeah,
# German chef
# Can of tin
# Sausages are boiled within
Oh, play it pretty, Rowlf,
# Yellow dog
# Nearby prowls
# Smells a sausage
# Softly growls
# Clumsy man
# Wooden leg
# Upsets the boiler with his peg
# Spills a sausage
# Scatters wurst
# Yellow dog, he gets there first
# He grabs the sausage
# Splits the fog
# It's another case of dog-eat-dog
Hey, you know, Jim, it's a reaI pleasure to have you with us on the show,
Well, thank you, Kermit, It's a reaI pleasure to be here,
I'm sort of an old country boy and I feeI right at home
with all these chickens and roosters and pigs,
Especially that Miss Piggy, I just love her,
Piggy Lee, - You called, my love?
Hey, Miss Piggy,
Piggy, if you don't mind, Jim and I were just trying to hold a quiet conversation,
Oh, go right ahead, Don't mind me,
Kermit, one thing, I never know whether to call him Jim or Gomer,
Well, I guess it is kinda confusing, You see, I played Gomer Pyle on television for...
Gomer Pyle? I love Gomer Pyle, - Oh, thank you,
Well, I played him for so long I guess I get confused myself,
But it goes along with my astrologicaI sign, You see, I'm a Gemini,
That means I got twin personalities,
Oh, yeah, Hey, listen, well, I'm a Taurus,
You're Taurus, That's the sign of the bull, isn't it?
I'm a bullfrog,
That's just a little joke, - What sign were you born under, Piggy?
Well, I, uh, wasn't born under a sign, I was born over a sign,
At Becker's Butcher Shop,
I moved as soon as possible,
I don't blame you, - Mm, mm,
Hey, I was wondering, Jim, does being a Gemini give you any kind of problems?
Well, it sure does, you know, because I talk like this, but then I sing like this:
What happened to Kermit? - He doesn't appreciate classicaI music,
But it drives me bananas,
Oh, sing again, please... - Wait a minute, Miss Piggy,
Oh, Jim! Oh, I love it when you sing, - ControI yourself, Miss Piggy, Kermit!
Kermit? Kermit? Could you... H-h-hold it, - Yeah, Fozzie, Wh-wh-what?
Listen, "Wh-wh-what?" Listen, Listen,
There is a young kid following me all around the theater,
Yeah, I know, His name is Scooter,
Cute, Cute name, - Yeah,
The trouble is, you see, he's following me all around
and giving me these jokes for my act and they are awfuI,
Fozzie, how would you know?
How would I know? Smarty-frog,
OK, OK, listen, Here's one of these jokes he gave me, It's terrible,
OK, a joke, - Hilda, Gonzo, this is one of these jokes,
I stay at a hoteI so exclusive room service has an unlisted number,
That's funny!
Scooter!
Scooter?
Here they are, the world's finest and most morally unobjectionable singing team,
Wayne and Wanda,
And now, "Indian Love Call,"
# When I'm calling yoooooooooooou
Hey, baby, You called?
Oh!
OK, uh...
Uh, here we are, moving right along now, the comedy star of our show -
the man who comes to us direct from a very long engagement,
but a very short marriage,
the man who thinks that Elton John is a singing bathroom -
I'd like now to bring out one of the top comics of the business...
Hey, since he's not here bring out the regular guy,
OK, here he is now, our very own barreI of boffs, Mr, Fozzie Bear!
Thank you, Thank you, Thank you,
# Time for fun with Fozzie Bear, Here's some jokes from everywhere,
Hey, hey, hey, it's that silly bear,
It's time for the audience to go elsewhere,
If you don't mind, I'll do the jokes,
We don't mind, But when are you gonna do 'em?
Pay no attention to them, folks,
They don't bother me, I can handle hecklers in my sleep,
Oh, well, don't tell that to the audience, They're asleep too,
Uh, uh...
Oh, yeah? - Yeah!
Oh, Oh, yeah? - Yeah!
Oh, yeah? - Yeah!
Listen, I'm gonna tell you my best joke and if you don't laugh
then I'll never come back out on this stage again, OK?
It's a deaI, - Yeah,
Oh,
Ah, Ah, uh, uh...
These two cannibals were talking, One cannibaI says to the other cannibaI:
"Who was that lady I saw you out with last night?"
The other cannibaI says, "That was no lady, that was my lunch,"
I got you, I got you, And I lied, That was my worst joke,
Oh, I love me when I'm good, Pacing, timing...
Why did we laugh at that terrible joke?
Well, either we're getting soft or we're in the first stages of senility,
Go-o-olly,
Here it is, my first night at Benson's Bakery as a watchman,
and I gotta be reaI carefuI to not let anybody in here,
Uh-oh, Here comes somebody now, -
Wait! Stop right there, Stop right there, Put up your hands, Put up your hands,
I beg pardon? - Your hands, Put 'em up,
Oh, Oh, OK,
What's that? - Those are my hens,
Where shall I put 'em? - Well, right here on the table, I guess,
OK,
Now, wait a minute, wait a minute, What right have you got to be here?
What rat do I have? Well, I got this rat right here,
Oh, well, I guess you do have a right to be here,
Mm, Thank you,
Now, wait a minute, Don't move a hair, - OK,
What's that? - That's the hare I'm not supposed to move,
Now, wait a minute, I don't want any beef out of you,
No beef, OK, Here's some pork,
No, no, Now wait just a minute,
What are all you animals doing here? This is supposed to be a bakery,
You see, the farmer's been losing money, We came here to raise some dough!
Well, well, well, I'm sure glad we got that straightened out,
For a minute there I thought you were just being silly,
Let me tell you about my nearsighted cousin...
Hi, Fozzie, - Let me tell you...
Oh, Oh, Hi, Hi, Scooter,
Hey, Foz, you know,
I think you're the greatest comedian there ever was,
Me?
You think that I'm the...
Oh, wow,
Really, I mean it, Cross my heart, - Yeah?
You're the best, Nobody, nobody tells a joke as good as you,
Every line, every joke, everything you say, it makes me fall down laughing,
You're a million laughs, - OK, Hey, hey,
in that case, let me tell you about my nearsighted cousin,
He's so rich his automobile's fitted with a prescription windshield,
OK, tell me about him,
Lucky his uncle owns this place,
That was a joke!
And now, once again, folks, Mr, Jim Nabors,
# Well, life on the farm is kinda laid back
# Ain't much an old country boy like me can't hack
# It's early to rise and early in the sack
# Thank God I'm a country boy
# Simple kind of life never done me no harm
# I'm raising me a family and working on a farm
# My days are all filled with an easy country charm
# Thank God I'm a country boy
# Well I got me a fine wife I got me old fiddle
# The sun's coming up I got cakes on the griddle
# Life ain't nothing but a funny funny riddle
# Thank God I'm a country boy
# Work's all done and the sun's setting low I pull out my fiddle and I rosin up my bow
# The kids are asleep so I keep it kinda low
# Thank God I'm a country boy
# I'd play "Sally Goodin" all day if I could
# But the Lord and the wife wouldn't take it very good
# I fiddle when I can and I work when I should
# Thank God I'm a country boy
# Well, I got me a fine wife I got me old fiddle
# The sun's coming up I got cakes on the griddle
# Life ain't nothing but a funny funny riddle
# Thank God I'm a country boy
Yaa-ha!
Whoo-hoo!
- Whoo-hoo!
# I wouldn't trade my life for diamonds or jewels
# I never was one of them money-hungry fools
# I'd rather have my fiddle and my farming tools
# Thank God I'm a country boy
# City folks driving in a black limousine
# A lot of sad people think that's mighty keen
# Folks, let me tell you exactly what I mean
# Thank God I'm a country boy
# Well, I got me a fine wife I got me old fiddle
# When the sun's coming up I got cakes on the griddle
# Life ain't nothing but a funny funny riddle
# Thank God I'm a country boy
# Fiddle was my daddy's till the day that he died
# He took me by the hand and held me close to his side
# Said, "Live a good life, play the fiddle with pride"
# Thank God I'm a country boy
# My daddy taught me young how to hunt and how to whittle
# He taught me how to work and play a tune on the fiddle
# Taught me how to love and give just a little
# Thank God I'm a country boy
# Well, I got me a fine wife I got me old fiddle
# As the sun's coming up I got cakes on the griddle
# Life ain't nothing but a funny funny riddle
# Thank God I'm a country boy
Well, that just about wraps it up for another one,
We want to give our speciaI thanks to our very speciaI guest star, Mr, Jim Nabors,
Yeah, let's hear it from you all,
Hey, Jim, I hope you had a good time, - I sure did, Kermit,
But tell me, who was that little fella who kept following me through after the show?
Oh, that's Scooter, His uncle owns the theater,
You called? - No, I didn't,
Oh, that's OK, Kermit, He was reaI nice,
He picked up my coffee and he picked up my wardrobe...
Yeah, I even picked up his accent, Well, go-o-olly!
Be carefuI he doesn't try to pick up your paycheck,
I'm shocked! - I'm Fozzie,
I'm Piggy, - I'm AnimaI,
Well, I'm saying good night, We'll see you all next time on The Muppet Show.
Go-o-olly, - Go-o-olly,
Pay up, They made it through another one,
Double or nothing, next week's show? - You're on,