It's The Muppet Show, with our speciaI guest star Mr, Ben Vereen! Whoo!
# It's time to play the music
# It's time to light the lights
# It's time to meet the Muppets on The Muppet Show tonight
# It's time to put on makeup
# It's time to dress up right
# It's time to raise the curtain on The Muppet Show tonight
Hey, I wouldn't say that The Great Gonzo is dumb,
but when he graduated from schooI he didn't get a diploma,
he got a pension, Huh?
# To introduce our guest star
# That's what I'm here to do
# So it really makes me happy
# To introduce to you
Mr, Ben Vereen!
# But now let's get things started on the most sensationaI, inspirationaI
# CelebrationaI, MuppetationaI
# This is what we call
# The Muppet Show
Hi-ho, hi-ho, and welcome again to The Muppet Show.
Hey, our speciaI guest tonight is a young man
who soared to stardom on Broadway in Pippin, had his own television series,
and is one of the really multitalented performers in show business,
Mr, Ben Vereen,
He really moves and, speaking of that, let's get things moving right now
on The Muppet Show!
# Well, not too long ago in 1 944
# When every mother's son was going off to war
- # They had to lift their spirits high - # High
# For Uncle Sam, motherhood and apple pie
# Instead of spending money that they didn't have
# In hotspots in the Bronx
# They went to hear that kind of jazz you hear in funky honky-tonks
- # It made you wanna jump - # Jump
- # Shout - # Shout
# Knock yourself out
# Boogie-woogie beat is what I'm talking about
# If you had the heebie-jeebies you could dance away
# To the boogie-woogie music the piano men were playing
- # You could jump - # Jump
- # Shout - # Shout
# Knock yourself out
# Boogie-woogie beat is what I'm talking about
# You could pull a switcheroonie if you felt yourself down
# With the boogie-woogie beat of the piano man a-going to town
Ladies and gentlemen, Mr, Ben Vereen!
- # He really makes you wanna jump - # Jump
- # Shout - # Shout
# Ooh, ga-ga-ga-ga
- # You wanna jump - # Jump
- # Shout - # You wanna sock it to me now
- # You wanna jump - # Jump
- # Jump - # Fra-doy, fra-doy
# To the boogie-woogie music the piano man was playing
- # You wanna jump - # Jump
- # Shout - # Shout
# Knock yourself out
# A boogie-woogie beat is what I'm talking about
# You can pull a switcheroonie if you felt yourself down
# With the boogie-woogie beat of the piano man a-going to town
Yeah!
No doubt about it, I'm beginning to like this show,
Really? - Yep, It's really starting to grab me,
Hmm,
What?
Something's starting to grab you,
I don't care, Next time, use a deodorant,
Nice, Nice number, - I wear the pants in this act,
That was great, Really hep to the jive, - Hey, Kermit, Kermit, What is this?
Oh, that belongs to MarveI the Magician, It's for next week's show,
Oh, that's very interesting, - Yeah, but Fozzie, don't go in there,
Oh, come on, Kermit, I'm a big bear, I won't hurt anything,
Yeah, but Fozzie, don't slam that door,
I didn't slam it,
I closed it very quietly,
Yeah, and you're never gonna open it again,
What do you mean? - Well, I tried to tell you it's a trick door,
Only MarveI the Magician can open it,
But... but Kermit, I have an act to do! Go get MarveI!
I can't, He's in Toledo,
And I'm in big trouble,
OK, right now I'd like to introduce Ben Vereen, a blockbuster of a talent,
Did somebody say "blockbuster"? - Hit the dirt!
Well, there's nothing like starting off with an explosive opening,
Hey, listen, you wanna have George the Janitor clean up that mess?
Now, as I was saying, we have a reaI dynamite guest tonight...
Did somebody say "dynamite"?
I'm beginning to get a slight headache,
Will somebody throw a net over Crazy Harry so we can get the show rolling?
Right now I'd like to introduce our guest star,
and you better not interfere with his act, Crazy Harry, because he has a short fuse,
Did someone send for a short fuse?
Ladies and gentlemen, Mr, Ben Vereen,
# If someone stood up in a crowd
# And raised his voice way out loud
# Waved his arms
# And shook his leg
# You'd notice him
# If someone in a movie show
# Yelled, "Fire in the second row"
# "This whole place is a powder keg"
# You'd notice him
# A human being is made of more than air
# With all that bulk you're bound to see him there
# Unless that personage should be
# Invisible
# InconsequentiaI
# Me
# Cellophane
# Mr, Cellophane
# Shoulda been my name
# Mr, Cellophane
# You can look right through me
# Walk right by me
# And never know I'm there
# I tell ya, Cellophane
# Mr, Cellophane
# Shoulda been his name
# Mr, Cellophane
# 'Cause you can look right through him
# Walk right by him
# And never know he's there
# Name, Mr, Cellophane
# You never know I'm there
# I tell ya
# Cellophane
# Mr, Cellophane
# Shoulda been my name
# Mr, Cellophane
# You can walk right by me
# Or look right through me
# And never know I'm there
# Never
# Even
# Know
# I'm there
I hope I didn't take up too much of your time,
I think the guests that come on this show should get combat pay,
What about us? - Well, we're volunteers,
Maybe you are, I was drafted into this chicken outfit,
It's no use, Fozzie,
I don't think we'll ever get this thing open before the end of the show,
Oh, I feeI awfuI, - Yeah? Well, that's the way it goes,
I feeI so sorry for everyone, - How do you mean?
Well, they'll all be so disappointed when you tell them that today's show is canceled,
Canceled? - Mm, yeah,
Well, obviously you cannot do the show without me,
Um... uh...
Fozzie...
How shall I break this to him? - What?
Fozzie, there is one alternative to canceling the show,
Oh, there is? Yeah? - We can replace you,
Fozzie?
He takes these things kind of hard,
Here's a Muppet news bulletin,
Dateline, New Brunswick, Mr, Melvin Cosgrove climbed a 30-foot pole
and scrambled onto a six-by-six-foot platform,
His goaI - to break the world's record in flagpole sitting, That was 1 6 years ago,
and yesterday his wife started wondering how Cosgrove was doing,
especially since he was 84 years old when he started,
Authorities climbed the pole this morning
and found that he had indeed passed away,
As a fitting tribute to her brave husband,
Mrs, Cosgrove announced that for the next ten days,
she will fly him at half-mast,
You know, I picked up a hitchhiker the other day,
Oh, really? - Yes, well, it's only right,
I was the one who knocked him down,
Tell me, do you like bathing beauties?
I don't know, I've never bathed one,
You know, last week my cousin was seen on television by 30 million people,
Oh, what is he, a rock star? - No, a football,
You know, I really got my eye on you,
Oh, really?
Really,
Herman, today I auditioned as an announcer for a TV show,
Yeah, but they didn't hire me, You know why?
Because I'm a woman, that's why,
Discrimination, Are you listening to me?!
What kind of a program was it?
Sermonette,
Did you know the Rolling Stones are here tonight?
No kidding? They're my favorite singing group,
No, these are the other Rolling Stones,
Ooh,
Ooh!
Sorry,
Hey, you know, it's really great to have you on the show,
Why, Ben, you're just a bundle of energy,
Yeah, well, as a dancer, I try to keep in shape, you know,
You're telling me, I've seen you dancing on Broadway and television and movies,
Why, you must work out a lot,
Well, yes, because you see, Kermit,
as a dancer,
your body is one of the most important things you have,
Did you ever stop to think where would you be without your, um... your body?
Uh...
No, no, I never asked myself that, but it's a darn good question,
You see, as a dancer, I've gotta be able to go to a leap
with great explosive power, you see,
Did somebody say "explosive power"?
No! - No!
Nice, Nice leap,
Well, time for a tea break, - All right,
LiteraI chap, isn't he?
Kermit? Kermit! Kermit! - Mm? Oh?
Kermit, you can't do the show without me, - Well, Fozzie, what choice have I got?
But a Muppet Show without Fozzie Bear?
It's like Gilbert without Sullivan, ham without cheese,
Poca without hontas,
- "Poca without hontas"? - Yeah,
What's a poca?
I know, I know, That's a polka, Will you guys get out of here?
See? Even in a box I'm funny, You need me, The show needs me, Kermit!
Who cares about a frog? I'm stuck,
And now "Veterinarian's Hospital, "
the continuing story of a former orthopedic surgeon who's gone to the dogs.
# Hut-Sut Ralston on the rillerah with a brawla, brawla sooit
Dr, Bob, you can't sing at a time like this,
I'm not singing "At a Time Like This," I'm singing "Hut-Sut Ralston,"
An oldie but goodie,
How'd I ever get myself into this sketch?
Take it easy, George,
Dr, Bob, the patient is sinking,
Well, I vonder vat he is sinking about,
Well, laugh it up, nurse, These are the jokes,
The only joke around here is you, Dr, Bob,
This patient needs your assistance, - Well, you're my assistants,
but what he's gonna do with the two of you, I'll never know,
Look, either give me some help or let me outta here,
Well, what seems to be your trouble? - I keep breaking out in a cold sweat,
Oh-ho! Well, I see,
You have a clear case of Pentransitphobia,
Huh?
That's a dread fear of traveling through the state of Pennsylvania,
Enough of these pitifuI jokes, Dr, Bob,
You've dedicated yourself to saving lives,
You're right, I saved six lives this week, - By operating?
No, by not operating,
Dr, Bob, you've given this hospitaI a bad name,
You're right, Fred is a terrible name for a hospitaI,
I'll have to give it a better name, How about Eunice?
This is impossible, Do you have a license?
Of course, Every dog has a license,
The leash laws are really rough,
You dummy, I mean, do you have a license to practice?
Yes, and I'm going to practice on you right now,
Bongos, - Bongos, Dr, Bob,
Bongos?
And so Dr. Bob is about to begin his bongo practice.
Tune in next week, when we'll hear Nurse Piggy say.
Dr, Bob, it's too late, You've lost him,
Well, he couldn't have gone far, He was under the sheet just a second ago,
My uncle's into poetry, He loves Edgar Guest,
Why? - Why else? He's a guesthouse,
Ben, how are you enjoying the show?
Aw, Hilda...
I'm getting such a big charge out of it,
D'you say you want a big charge? - No!
You know, I'm getting a little tired of this,
Once again it is my great pleasure to introduce Wayne and Wanda
and their stirring version of "I'II Know,"
# I'll know
# When my love comes along
Ai-yi-yi-yi!
Wayne!
At least, Fozzie, you will be glad to know that the show is dying without you,
Oh, really? - Would I lie?
Did you hear them out there, Scooter? They love me, Me, The Great Gonzo,
Boy, that's the greatest show we've ever done,
So I lie,
Oh, it could be worse, Fozzie,
This little door could be shut,
Things are worse,
See you, babushka,
Hilda! Hilda!
Fozzie? - Hilda?
Fozzie, is that you? - Who's that?
It's Kermit the Frog, - Kermit!
Hey, listen, I've decided not to cut you from the show,
Oh, thank you, Kermit, - OK, get him onstage, fellas!
Well, folks, here comes the act you've all been waiting for,
The Muppet Show's own great comedian,
here he is now, feeling a little... cagey tonight
but nevertheless still the old master of mirth, Mr, Fozzie Bear!
Thank you, Thank you!
Hey, it's really great to be here,
I spent the whole day at the doctor, I said, "Doc, it hurts when I do this,"
He says, "Don't do that,"
Are you laughing?
It's hard to hear,
Then the doctor said, "Have you ever had this before?"
I said, "Yes," He says, "Well, you got it again,"
Uh...
Thank you, thank you, You been a wonderfuI audience,
Please get me off,
Great, great, great, Let's all hear it for Fozzie Bear,
Come on out and take a bow, Fozzie,
This is humiliating,
Whoa!
OK, OK,
And now, folks, once again, Mr, Ben Vereen,
Oh, boy, This place is so dull,
I hate it here, It's so dull,
Hi, Droop, - Oh, hi, Ben,
Hey, look, I can take you out of this place,
No, thanks, I'm not allowed to cross the street,
No, no, that's not what I mean, - Hmm?
Listen,
# Come with me
# And you'll be
# In a world of pure imagination
# Take a look
# And you'll see
# Into your imagination
# We'll begin
# With a spin
# Traveling in a world of my creation
# What we'll see
# Will defy explanation
# If you want to view paradise
# Simply look around and view it
# Anything you want to, do it
# You wanna change the world?
# There's nothin' to it
# There is no life I know
# To compare to pure imagination
# Living there, you'll be free
# If you truly
# Wish to be
# If you want to view paradise
# Simply look around and view it
# Anything you want to, do it
# Want to change the world, there's nothing to it
# There is no life I know
# To compare with pure imagination
# Living there, you'll be free
# If you truly
# Wish to be
# Come with me
Gee, you sure have some imagination, Ben,
OK, well, that about puts a lid on it for this week,
We'd like to thank our speciaI guest star, Mr, Ben Vereen!
Hey, Kermit, you know, thank you,
I've done a lot of shows in my time, but this has been one of the, um... craziest,
Hey, Kermit, Kermit, Ben, Ben!
Yeah, what? What? - Hey, I'm out! I'm out!
Fozzie, how'd you get out of the cage? - Crazy Harry blew it up,
It hurt a little bit, but, you know, I'm OK,
Well, Fozzie,
I just thought the show was just dynamite, - Yeah,
Did somebody say "dynamite"? - No!
We'll see you all next week on The Muppet Show!
Would you cut that out?
Fantastic show, - Brilliant show,
By the way, your pants are on fire, - Hm?