It's The Muppet Show with our speciaI guest star, Mr, Vincent Price, Woo!
# It's time to play the music
# It's time to light the lights
# It's time to meet the Muppets on The Muppet Show tonight
# It's time to put on makeup
# It's time to dress up right
# It's time to raise the curtain on The Muppet Show tonight
Hey! I once met a vampire who was so rich, he lived in a split-leveI coffin,
# To introduce our guest star
# That's what I'm here to do
# So it really makes me happy
# To introduce to you
Mr, Vincent Price!
# But now let's get things started
# On the most sensationaI, inspirationaI
# CelebrationaI, MuppetationaI
# This is what we call
# The Muppet Show
Thank you! Thank you, thank you and good evening,
and welcome to a very unusuaI edition of The Muppet Show.
Yes, things are going to be a little bit strange tonight,
You probably can already tell,
Be prepared for the strange, the weird and the scary
because our guest star is none other than the crown prince of terror,
Mr, Vincent Price!
So tonight there will be no craziness, no slapstick and no silliness...
Ha ha!
Or at least not much of it,
Let the scariness begin,
# I've got you
# You've got me
# Under my skin
# Under your skin
# I've got you
# You've got me
# Deep in the heart of me
That's very true,
# So deep in my heart
Oh!
# You're really a part of me
I don't wanna be a part of you!
# I've got you
# Under my skin
- # I've tried so - Huh? What?
# Not to give in
Get back down there,
# I've said to myself this affair never will go so well
# But why should you try to resist
# When, darling, I know so well
# I've got you
# You've got me
# Under my skin
Just give me a chance here,
# You'd sacrifice anything come what might for the sake of having me near
# In spite of a warning voice that comes in the night
# And repeats and repeats in your ear
# Don't you know, little fooI
# You never can win
# Use your mentality
# Wake up to reality
Yeah, but, uh...
# But each time I do just the thought of you makes me
# Stop before you begin
# Because I've got you
# You got me
# Under my skin
# Que sera, sera
# Whatever will be will be
Ohh!
That number scared the pants off me,
Are you sure you didn't just forget to put 'em on again?
OK, stand by for the house of horror sketch,
Calm down, back there,
Hey, boss, - Hm, What?
There's someone here wanting to audition,
OK, Who is he? - Well, it's not exactly a he,
OK, Who is she? - Well, it's not exactly a she,
Scooter, this rather severely limits the possibilities,
Would you please explain yourself? - Well, it's sort of a they,
You mean there's more than one? - Not really,
This gofer is about to become a gone-fer,
Scooter, what are you talking about? - Uh, that,
Hi, Mr, Frog, Can we be on your show?
Good grief, it's a triple-header,
I'm going back to the dressing room, - I'm going to the makeup room,
I'll wait here,
In honor of my homeland, Kermit has asked me to do the next introduction,
We take you now to Transylvania,
to a high and brooding hill,
We take you now to the house of horror,
Oh, Gonzo! I don't think very much of this summer cottage you rented for us,
Yeah, I don't understand it, The ad looked so good in the paper,
What paper was that? - The Wampire Veekly.
The Wampire Veekly?
It does look kinda big for just the two of us,
Wooo-ooo-ooo! - Ohh!
The three of us,
Oh!
The... four of us,
Well, at least we won't be lonely,
Someone's... someone's at the door, Someone's at the door,
Ohh, I bet it's not the Welcome Wagon,
Yep, it's not the Welcome Wagon,
Good evening,
Excuse me, but do you have a room for the night?
You see, the road has washed out
and my horse had a flat tire,
Well, maybe I, uh...
I must tell you I am not alone,
I am traveling with my beautifuI assistant
and a hideously deformed monster,
Oh!
Hideously deformed is right,
Watch it! I'm the beautifuI assistant,
Oh, boy,
Master, I've left Toto in the coach,
Toto?
Good, good,
And now I must ask, can you tell me what time it is?
Uh... Oh, golly, my hourglass seems to have stopped,
Oh, this is terrible! Terrible,
We're in trouble, - Yes,
Why's that?
Because every night at the stroke of midnight,
the master turns into a screaming, maniacaI,
demonic, raging, blood-lusting animaI,
And then I get mean,
What do we do? - Quickly, quickly,
Prepare a dungeon, chains, manacles... Bind me!
Oh, no, It's too late, It's midnight,
Oh, no, something's different,
Oh, quick, what night is it? - New Year's Eve,
Oh, no!
This is too crueI, Too inhuman,
What? What? What is? What? Tell! Tell! What! What!
On New Year's Eve, the master turns into Jack Parnell,
Vincent Price is the most wonderfully scary actor since Thudge McGerk,
Heh! Thudge McGerk,
I'll never forget him, His last film was Phantom of the Soap Opera.
Yeah, After that, he went berserk,
They say he still haunts theatres around the world,
Three eyes, green hair, long orange horns and big, long ugly fangs,
Horrible man, Horrible,
No!
Listen, on your way back up, bring some popcorn,
With butter, - Ha!
You OK?
Excuse me, frog honcho of mine, - Mm?
Well, the triple-header is still waiting to audition,
Oh, Well, you know, with Vincent Price on the show,
maybe a three-headed monster might be appropriate,
Tell me, what do you guys do? - We sing,
No, we dance, - No, we tell jokes,
Uh-huh, You work on television much?
Work on television much? - Always!
Sometimes! - Never,
I think you fellas have some problems, Which one of you is the leader?
He is, - He is,
She is, - In fact, they got lots of problems,
If you're like I am, and you certainly must be,
you are appalled and shocked at the weird unnaturaI things going on tonight,
Here, to counter all that, the very naturaI, the very normaI Wayne and Wanda,
# I'm wild again
# Beguiled again
# A simpering, whimpering child again
# Bewitched
Bothered and bewildered,
This part of the program is the culturaI part,
We have to get started now, Just a second,
Time once again, friends, to raise the intellectuaI leveI of our program,
and tonight, our speciaI guest is Mr, Vincent Price,
Well, it's a pleasure to be with you, Kermit,
In addition to his other talents, Mr, Price is also a great cook,
So tonight's topic for discussion is gourmet dining,
Vincent has assembled the rest of the paneI
so I'll just let you do the introductions, sir,
All right, Kermit, thank you,
Well, I have asked two of my culinary friends to join us tonight,
On your immediate right is Pierre Lacouse, one of the world's great chefs,
A pleasure,
And next to him is Gorgon Heap, one of the world's great eaters,
Mmmaagh!
Uh, yeah, I see,
Well, starting off, now, Vincent, what would you say is the world's most delicious dish?
Well, Kermit, you know, haute cuisine is so varied and wonderfuI
that is a most difficult question, but if I must choose my favorite dish,
I would have to say it is probably escalope de veau a I'estragon.
It is delicious!
Vincent, I dislike it for all France to disagree,
but for sheer magnificence,
nothing can compare to gigot en epaule de pre-sale farci.
Oh, that is delicious,
Oh!
He ate my casserole,
Pierre, that is a fine dish, provided that it is made in exactly the same way
that it was prepared by the great chef Escoffier,
Oh, he was delicious,
He ate my hat! - Uh...
Uh, yes,
Listen, Pierre, There's one thing I've always wanted to ask you,
Ah, oui. Uh!
But it's a little late now,
Uh, Vincent,
Who is this guy, anyhow? - Say, you look delicious,
Wait a second, Get away from me, you hulking creep!
Vincent, can you stop him, please? - Froggie, you have to admit,
you do look tasty,
Tune in next week when our topic for discussion will be...
I know I'm a bit of a deviI, but I do love frogs' legs,
This show should be reported to the consumer protection agency,
Why? - The host was just consumed,
Don't count on it,
Hey, this is our box, fella! Let me see your ticket stub,
I'm going into the moving business,
Really? Locally? - No,
Ghost to ghost,
Oh!
I'm simply starving,
Can't we stop for a bite?
Delighted, my dear,
That man is absolutely batty, - Huh,
Why do you say that?
Why don't we stop and have a drink?
We can't, - Why not?
They don't serve spirits here,
You know, my mother said if I worked hard, I could get ahead,
Oh, well, here it is,
Ooh!
- # I'm looking through you - Weee!
- # Where did you go? - Hee hee hee hee!
- # I thought I knew you - Oooh!
- # What did I know? - Yeeeeeee!
# You don't look different but you have changed
# I'm looking through you
# You're not to blame
# Your lips are moving
- # I cannot hear - Woo woo woo woo!
# Your voice is soothing
# But the words aren't clear
# You don't sound different
# I've learnt the game
# I'm looking through you
# You're not the same
# Why, tell me why, did you not treat me right?
# Love has a nasty habit of disappearing overnight
# You're thinking of me
# The same old way
# You were above me
# But not today
# The only difference is you're down there
# I'm looking through you
# And you're nowhere
Boo!
Hey, Vincent, I really thank you for coming on this show tonight
and so do all the Muppet monsters, - Well, thank you, Kermit,
I never met a monster I didn't like, - I can believe it,
Hey, can I ask you a question? - Yes, of course,
In all the scary movies you've done through the years,
well, you're always turning into a vampire, Well, how do you do that?
How do you do that? That is so scary,
Well, Kermit, if you will forgive the modesty,
that is perhaps the epitome of the actor's craft,
It takes tremendous concentration, years of physicaI and emotionaI training
and enormous mentaI exertion,
Do you understand? - Oh, sure,
Oh, well, some people learn faster than others,
By the way, I thought your wife was coming tonight,
The old bat couldn't come,
The rest of 'em sure made it,
Kermit, - Kermit,
Kermit, - Uh, what, what, what?
When do we go on?
Listen, I'm sorry, fellas, but there is no place for you in the show tonight,
But what about our big song?
Good grief, All right, What big song?
What else? "Tea For Three,"
Out, out, out!
Who writes this stuff, anyway? - Who else?
The ghostwriter,
Here is a Muppet news flash.
Our newsroom has been flooded with calls today,
reporting that furniture all over town has been turning into monsters.
Seven people have allegedly been attacked
by a wandering pack of sofas at the east edge of town.
A dining-room table set for eight reportedly ate the eight it was set for.
When contacted for comment, Sheriff David Coles
assured Muppet News central that the rumor was false.
According to Coles, there is no way for a piece of furniture to turn into a monster.
Scientists throughout the city confirmed
that such an occurrence would be impossible.
...Inanimate objects cannot turn into monsters. Still...
The mass hysteria could be due to what psychologists are calling "furnophobia, "
a dread fear of the rising prices of home furnishings.
The phenomena does seem to relate
to the cost-of-living increase during the past month.
But people are advised to relax,
secure in the knowledge that their furniture will not turn into a monster.
And that's all tonight from Muppet News. Goodnight.
Boy, that last item about furniture is ridiculous,
This is ridiculous, I can't find Hilda anywhere,
Oh, well, I guess I'll just have to carry this stuff up myself,
Ooh, excuse me, Mr, Price, - Yes?
Can I give you a hand? - Oh, please,
Here,
That's my kind of joke,
Hey, guys, I hear you're not gonna make it on the show tonight,
Kermit didn't like our song, - But it doesn't matter,
We got a new act, - Oh, yeah? Tell me what's the new act?
Well, you see, I'm the straight man, - I'm the comic,
And I'm the audience, - That way, no matter how bad we are...
...we'll always love us,
Yeah, like, say, who was that lady I saw you with last night?
That was no lady, that was a pawn shop sign,
We're a hit! We're a hit! - Yeah, we're superstars,
They love us! - So long, Fozzie,
I never thought I'd be jealous of a guy with three heads,
Hm,
My youngest boy is very interested in medicine,
Oh, he's a doctor?
No, A hospitaI,
Well, that just about brings these strange proceedings to an end,
Let's have a speciaI thanks to our guest star, Mr, Vincent Price,
Hey, Vincent, you were really super tonight,
Hey, let's give him another hand, - Oh, no, Kermit, let me give you one, huh?
Will you cut that out? We'll see you all next time on The Muppet Show.
Well, that's easy for you to say,