It's The Muppet Show with our speciaI guest star, Miss Valerie Harper,
# It's time to play the music
# It's time to light the lights
# It's time to meet the Muppets on The Muppet Show tonight
# It's time to put on makeup
# It's time to dress up right
# It's time to raise the curtain on The Muppet Show tonight
Hey, did you know that if Tuesday Weld married Frederick March's grandson,
she'd be Tuesday March the Second? Ha ha,
# To introduce our guest star
# That's what I'm here to do
# So it really makes me happy
# To introduce to you
Miss Valerie Harper,
# But now let's get things started on the most sensationaI, inspirationaI
# CelebrationaI, MuppetationaI
# This is what we call
# The Muppet Show
Hey, George, George, - What? What? What?
Would you clean up this backstage? This whole place is a mess,
Yeah, Of course it's a mess, with all these Muppets exploding around here,
Every time I turn around, there's somebody blowing his top,
George, that is a slight exaggeration, isn't it?
I guess it's all in my mind,
Am I in the right place? - Oh, Valerie Harper,
Welcome to The Muppet Show. Oh, we're so glad that you can come and be with us,
Me too, Kermit, You know, I'm not filming Rhoda this week, I got hiatus,
Oh, I'm sorry to hear that, Did you get it lifting something?
Oh, no... - Maybe you should see a doctor,
Kermit, that means that we're on vacation, And, well, you see, I'm a totaI Muppet freak,
Everyone in this joint is a freak,
See what I mean? - George, this is Valerie Harper,
She's on hiatus,
I'm George the janitor, I'm on vitamin E,
Move it,
You have to forgive George there, - OK,
You were saying, Valerie, - Yes, I was hoping
that you might let me do a big opening number on the show,
Oh, well, we had planned to open the show with
Bertha Beasley and her Galloping Geese, - Yes,
But actually, Bertha isn't here yet and the show's about to start,
She won't be here, Kermit, - What?
I Scotch-taped a busheI of birdseed to her body,
Even as we speak, geese are pecking her into oblivion,
Wow, you are some determined lady, - I certainly am, Kermit,
Look, I can do it if you just give me the chance,
Kermit, television is great, but I gotta get back on those boards,
You know what it's like - a live audience,
smell of the grease paint, the roar of the crowd,
At least let me audition for you, will you? - Sure, Go on ahead,
# I'm just a Broadway baby
# Walking off my tired feet
# Pounding 42nd Street
# To be in a show
# Oh, vododio
# Broadway baby
# Learning how to sing and dance
# Waiting for that one big chance
# To be in a show
# Oh
# Gee, I'd love to be
# On a marquee
# All twinkling lights
# A spark to pierce the dark
# From Battery Park
# Way up to Washington Heights
# Some day maybe
# All my dreams will be repaid
# Heck, I'd even play the maid
# To be in a show
# Say, Mister Producer, oh
# Some girls get the breaks
# Just give me my cue, sir
# Cos I got what it takes
# Hey, Mister Producer
# Kermit, I'm talkin' to you, sir
# I don't need luck
# Only what I got
# Plus a tube of grease paint and a follow spot
# Some day maybe
# If I stick it long enough
# I may get to strut my stuff, yeah
# Working for a nice man like a Ziegfeld or a Weissman
# In a big time
# Broadway
# Show
Oh, that was great, You were just wonderfuI, Valerie,
I tell you, you're going out on that stage a star,
but you're gonna be coming back a chorus girI,
I'm not sure that's what I had in mind,
Well, what a beautifuI performer, - Yeah, what a beautifuI woman,
You know, Waldorf, I think I'll go backstage and meet her,
Why, you old fooI, she wouldn't have anything to do with you,
Besides, I was thinking of going backstage,
You? You? Why, you're old enough to be her grandfather,
Why, you geriatric joker, We'll settle this, we'll flip for her,
OK, - One, two, three...
You win,
Hii-yah!
Hey, chief,
One of those hecklers from the box is back here
and he says he wants to speak to Miss Harper,
Oh, for goodness sakes, I've got a show to do,
I can't have every Tom, Dick, and Harry coming back here,
Hi, Tom, Hi, Dick, Hi, Harry,
Of course, there are exceptions,
Where is Miss Harper? I demand to see her! I will not be denied!
Well, wow! One of our hecklers has turned into a stage-door Johnny,
Miss Harper is up in her dressing room there rehearsing her lines,
Well, I've been rehearsing my lines too, for when I meet her,
How's this? "Hiya, toots, You're some kind of hot-looking tomato,"
That's a very old line, - Well, I'm a very old man,
Hey, listen, Stage-door Johnnies are supposed to bring roses,
What is that thing? - Oh, roses are ordinaire.
This is a very speciaI plant for a very speciaI lady,
It's an African berry bush, Grows at a rate of three feet an hour,
Unless it rains, then it grows faster,
Well, I suggest that you bury your berry bush and bug outta here, buster,
That's nice alliteration, huh? - Hey!
I'll have you know I've dated, and wined and dined
some of the finest performers on the legitimate stage,
Hayes, Langtry, Barrymore,
Wait a minute, You dated EtheI Barrymore?
No, LioneI,
EtheI was busy that night, To tell you the truth, we didn't dance much either,
Will you get outta here! - No, I'll sit over here with my bush,
I have the feeling this is going to be one of those shows,
Here's a Muppet news flash,
Dateline, Milwaukee, Wisconsin,
Doctors in Milwaukee have reported a phenomenon
never before witnessed in medicaI annals,
Mr, Gus Klinger, a steam fitter,
has, over a three-month period, turned into a rug,
Here is his wife, Mrs, Klinger, to explain what happened,
Well, it all started as a simple case of shag pile on the belly, but then, gradually,
it spread, untiI he is now a 9 by 1 2 carpet, With fringe,
I am just going to have to sue for divorce, that's all,
Why is that, Mrs, Klinger? - Cos he does not match the drapes,
OK, now it is with great pleasure and no little concern
that I present my dear friend Rowlf, with an originaI poem
written, directed, and conceived by Rowlf -
sort of a tour de force, which is French for "blow your own horn,"
So let's bring him on with a great big hand,
I've titled this originaI poem "The Butterfly,"
I saw a butterfly one beautifuI morn
Flitting silently on the dew-covered lawn
And I thought to myself how wonderfuI it would be
If only we could see
Millions of these
Covering the mountains, the plains, and the seas,
I held out my hand
And motioned it to land
And as it did, I looked for another butterfly with which to mate it,
I couldn't find one so I sat down and ate it,
It was only a joke, I'm just kidding,
Well, Statler would have loved that one, but I hated it,
OK, let's move that butterfly, Move it, move it, move it,
Well, at least you're better than that bear,
Not much, but...
Hey! What are you doing here?
Well, if it's any of your business, janitor man, I'm waiting for Miss Harper,
It looks like your plant could use some watering,
Hm? No! No! You fooI! Oh, no!
This is an African berry bush, It grows at an enormous rate,
It will grow and grow and eat everything in sight,
It bears a striking resemblance to my brother-in-law,
I think your brother is going to buy you a house,
Why? - I heard him say you belong in a home,
Dip, - Agh!
You know, I just can't seem to hold on to a guy,
What is it, huh? I'm a reaI good-looker, a neat dresser, and a great cook,
Come on, tell me now, What's my problem?
You're too introverted, - Yeah, maybe you're right,
This music they're playin' is garbage! Pure garbage, man,
Why do you say that?
Enough said?
Uh... Dr, Tooth, - Teeth,
Teeth, Do you think honesty is the best policy?
Oh, positively,
Well, you are a terrible dancer,
Another crack like that and your best policy will be an insurance policy,
You'd better be carefuI, There's a bat coming your way,
Oh, that's all right, My uncle was a vampire,
It's not that kind of a bat,
A definite improvement,
So what do I do here?
Oh, Sam, you just play the part of the bird,
I mean, it's not written for an eagle, but...
Well, is this culturaI? - Oh, yeah, This is light opera,
Gilbert and Sullivan,
Begin,
# On a tree by the river a little tomtit
# Sang...
Uh... This is your part, Sam,
Willow, titwillow, titwillow,
# And I said to him, "Dickeybird... "
That's you, Sam, You play the part of the dickeybird,
# "Why do you sit, singing... "
Dickeybird?
Willow, titwillow, titwillow,
# "Is it weakness of intellect, birdie?" I cried
Not meaning you, Sam, - Mm, Yes, yes,
# "Or a rather tough worm in your little inside?"
# With a shake of his poor little head, he replied
Willow, titwillow, titwillow,
# Now I feeI just as sure as I'm sure that my name isn't
Willow, titwillow, titwillow,
# That 'twas blighted affection that made him exclaim
You wanna do this?
Uh... Willow, titwillow, titwillow,
# And if you remain callous and obdurate, I
What's "obdurate"? - I don't know, Sam,
# Shall perish as he did, and you will know why
# Though I probably shall not exclaim as I die
This is the last one, Sam,
Willow... titwillow... titwillow,
Why are they laughing?
# Gonna find her
# Yeah
# Been searchin'
# Searchin'
# Searchin' every which a-way, yeah, yeah
# Searchin'
# Oh, yeah
# Searchin'
# Mm-hm
# Searchin' every which a-way, yeah, yeah
# But I'm like a Northwest Mountie
# You know I'll bring her back someday
# Gonna find her
# Well, now, if I have to swim a river
# You know I will
# And if I have to climb a mountain
# You know I will
# And if she's a-hiding
# Up on a blueberry hill
# Am I gonna find her, child, you know I will
# Cos I've been searchin'
# Oh, yeah
# Searchin'
# Goodness
# Searchin' every which a-way, yeah, yeah
# Well, I'm like that Northwest Mountie
# You know I'll bring her back someday
# Gonna find her
# Yeah, I'm like a Northwest Mountie
# You know I'll bring her back someday
I'll find you, darling, - # Gonna quit now
I know you're around here someplace, - # Gonna quit now
Oh, this is hard work,
# Gonna quit
OK,
Just think, that old fooI Statler's getting a chance to meet Miss Harper backstage,
Just because he could do a flip,
But I bet he can't do this,
Sometimes I tickle myself,
In fact, I think I'll tickle myself now,
Statler! You gotta do something about this crazy plant of yours,
Now, hold it right there, I know my rights,
Section three, paragraph four, Theatergoer's Manual.
"Any member of the audience has the right to... "
Oh, don't give me that hogwash! - What did you say?
I said, "Don't give me that hogwash," - All right, I was gonna wash the hogs,
but if you don't want the hogwash, I'll just dump it here,
No, no, no! Not there!
What? Oh, no,
Help! Bush running amuck! Bush running amuck!
Help! Help! Help!
Oh, no, Help! - I'll get you, I'll get you, Just hold still,
Hilda, I lost my comb, Do you know where I can get a new one?
Oh, haven't you met Bernie, our new makeup man?
No, I guess I haven't, - Oh, Bernie! Bernie!
Bernie, Miss Harper needs a comb, Bernie,
Oh, hiya, Miss Harper, - Hiya, Bernie,
I'll get you a comb in just a minute, In the meantime, have an egg,
Hilda, don't tell me he's...
That's right, He's the Easter Bernie,
Oh, dear,
Finally, they gave Hilda the pinch line, - Don't you mean punch line?
No, I mean the pinch line, - How come?
Agh!
That's how come, - Hiya, sweetie,
Hilda, you want a punch line, this is a punch line,
Agh!
Nice punch, Valerie,
Onstage for the next sketch, please, - Uh... Kermit,
Mm? What? - Kermit, I cannot do my monologue,
How come? - Because the tree ate my cue cards,
Statler! One of these days I'm gonna get you for this,
You could have avoided all this if you'd let me meet Miss Harper when I asked,
The only person you're going to meet back here is Tarzan,
I hope he's a good dancer,
Once again, the happy harmonies, the melodious melodies,
the warm warblings of Wayne and Wanda,
Please, do it for me, Or somebody,
# On a clear day
# Rise and look around you
# And you'll see
# Where you are
Here's a Muppet news flash,
Dateline... Oh,
Sorry,
Kermit, I am so pleased that you're gonna allow me
to do a big dance number to close the show,
Oh, listen, it's my pleasure, Hey, but I think I should warn you,
you're gonna be doing this with our chorus line
and they're known as the Clodhoppers, - That's perfect,
It's been so long since I've danced, I'll fit right in, I'll be a perfect clod,
Oh, no, no, Don't worry, I'm gonna give it my best shot,
You're a trooper, Valerie, I'll go out there and introduce you, OK?
OK,
Hang in there, gang, This could be the start of a new career,
Or the end of one,
OK, and now, once again, ladies and gentlemen,
Miss Valerie Harper with the Clodhoppers,
Hey,
Thank you,
Agh!
# If there's a wrong way to say it
# A wrong way to play it
# Nobody does it like me
# If there's a wrong way to do it
# A right way to mess it up
# Nobody does it like me
Oh,
Yoo hoo, - Oh,
# If there's a wrong way to keep it cooI
# A right way to be a fooI
# Nobody does it like me
# If there's a wrong bell, I ring it
# A wrong note, I sing it
# Nobody does it like me
# If there's a wrong way to keep a guy
# Right way to lose a guy
# Nobody does it like me
# Nobody does it, no
# Nobody does it like
# Me
Well, once again, friends, it's time to say so long,
but first, let's thank our speciaI guest star, Miss Valerie Harper, Yeah!
Kermit, I can't tell you how great it's been being with you, if very unusuaI,
Excuse me, Miss Harper,
My name is Statler, I... - Oh, for heaven's sake, Statler!
I was wanting to meet you all evening, I wanted to give you this little present
and ask if you'd join me for a steak dinner later on,
Wait a second, Didn't that plant grow into a great big bush or was that my imagination?
Yeah, well, this is its firstborn,
Thank you very much, Statler, It's lovely, But I can't join you for dinner,
You see, I'm a vegetarian, Of course, I could always eat the plant,
Before it eats you,
OK, well, good night, Valerie, Good night, everybody,
We'll see you all next time on The Muppet Show.
You're not too bad yourself, Hubba hubba hubba, Hey? What? No,
What are you...? What? No, Wait, Wait,
I was practicing my flip,
Help!