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It's The Muppet Show with our speciaI
guest star, Miss Valerie Harper,

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# It's time to play the music

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# It's time to light the lights

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# It's time to meet the Muppets
on The Muppet Show tonight

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# It's time to put on makeup

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# It's time to dress up right

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# It's time to raise the curtain
on The Muppet Show tonight

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Hey, did you know that if Tuesday Weld
married Frederick March's grandson,

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she'd be Tuesday March
the Second? Ha ha,

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# To introduce our guest star

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# That's what I'm here to do

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# So it really makes me happy

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# To introduce to you

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Miss Valerie Harper,

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# But now let's get things started
on the most sensationaI, inspirationaI

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# CelebrationaI, MuppetationaI

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# This is what we call

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# The Muppet Show

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Hey, George, George,
- What? What? What?

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Would you clean up this backstage?
This whole place is a mess,

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Yeah, Of course it's a mess, with all
these Muppets exploding around here,

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Every time I turn around,
there's somebody blowing his top,

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George, that is a slight
exaggeration, isn't it?

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I guess it's all in my mind,

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Am I in the right place?
- Oh, Valerie Harper,

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Welcome to The Muppet Show. Oh, we're
so glad that you can come and be with us,

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Me too, Kermit, You know, I'm not
filming Rhoda this week, I got hiatus,

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Oh, I'm sorry to hear that, Did
you get it lifting something?

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Oh, no...
- Maybe you should see a doctor,

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Kermit, that means that we're on vacation,
And, well, you see, I'm a totaI Muppet freak,

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Everyone in this joint is a freak,

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See what I mean?
- George, this is Valerie Harper,

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She's on hiatus,

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I'm George the janitor,
I'm on vitamin E,

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Move it,

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You have to forgive George there,
- OK,

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You were saying, Valerie,
- Yes, I was hoping

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that you might let me do a
big opening number on the show,

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Oh, well, we had planned
to open the show with

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Bertha Beasley and her Galloping Geese,
- Yes,

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But actually, Bertha isn't here
yet and the show's about to start,

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She won't be here, Kermit,
- What?

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I Scotch-taped a busheI
of birdseed to her body,

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Even as we speak, geese are
pecking her into oblivion,

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Wow, you are some determined lady,
- I certainly am, Kermit,

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Look, I can do it if you
just give me the chance,

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Kermit, television is great, but
I gotta get back on those boards,

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You know what it's like
- a live audience,

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smell of the grease paint,
the roar of the crowd,

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At least let me audition for you, will you?
- Sure, Go on ahead,

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# I'm just a Broadway baby

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# Walking off my tired feet

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# Pounding 42nd Street

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# To be in a show

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# Oh, vododio

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# Broadway baby

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# Learning how to sing and dance

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# Waiting for that one big chance

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# To be in a show

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# Oh

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# Gee, I'd love to be

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# On a marquee

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# All twinkling lights

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# A spark to pierce the dark

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# From Battery Park

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# Way up to Washington Heights

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# Some day maybe

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# All my dreams will be repaid

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# Heck, I'd even play the maid

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# To be in a show

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# Say, Mister Producer, oh

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# Some girls get the breaks

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# Just give me my cue, sir

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# Cos I got what it takes

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# Hey, Mister Producer

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# Kermit, I'm talkin' to you, sir

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# I don't need luck

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# Only what I got

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# Plus a tube of grease
paint and a follow spot

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# Some day maybe

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# If I stick it long enough

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# I may get to strut my stuff, yeah

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# Working for a nice man
like a Ziegfeld or a Weissman

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# In a big time

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# Broadway

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# Show

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Oh, that was great, You
were just wonderfuI, Valerie,

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I tell you, you're going
out on that stage a star,

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but you're gonna be
coming back a chorus girI,

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I'm not sure that's
what I had in mind,

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Well, what a beautifuI performer,
- Yeah, what a beautifuI woman,

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You know, Waldorf, I think
I'll go backstage and meet her,

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Why, you old fooI, she wouldn't
have anything to do with you,

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Besides, I was thinking
of going backstage,

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You? You? Why, you're old
enough to be her grandfather,

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Why, you geriatric joker, We'll
settle this, we'll flip for her,

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OK,
- One, two, three...

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You win,

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Hii-yah!

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Hey, chief,

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One of those hecklers
from the box is back here

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and he says he wants
to speak to Miss Harper,

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Oh, for goodness sakes,
I've got a show to do,

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I can't have every Tom, Dick,
and Harry coming back here,

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Hi, Tom, Hi, Dick, Hi, Harry,

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Of course, there are exceptions,

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Where is Miss Harper? I demand
to see her! I will not be denied!

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Well, wow! One of our hecklers has
turned into a stage-door Johnny,

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Miss Harper is up in her dressing
room there rehearsing her lines,

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Well, I've been rehearsing my
lines too, for when I meet her,

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How's this? "Hiya, toots, You're
some kind of hot-looking tomato,"

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That's a very old line,
- Well, I'm a very old man,

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Hey, listen, Stage-door Johnnies
are supposed to bring roses,

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What is that thing?
- Oh, roses are ordinaire.

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This is a very speciaI plant
for a very speciaI lady,

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It's an African berry bush, Grows
at a rate of three feet an hour,

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Unless it rains, then it grows faster,

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Well, I suggest that you bury your
berry bush and bug outta here, buster,

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That's nice alliteration, huh?
- Hey!

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I'll have you know I've
dated, and wined and dined

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some of the finest performers
on the legitimate stage,

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Hayes, Langtry, Barrymore,

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Wait a minute, You
dated EtheI Barrymore?

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No, LioneI,

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EtheI was busy that night, To tell you
the truth, we didn't dance much either,

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Will you get outta here!
- No, I'll sit over here with my bush,

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I have the feeling this is
going to be one of those shows,

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Here's a Muppet news flash,

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Dateline, Milwaukee, Wisconsin,

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Doctors in Milwaukee
have reported a phenomenon

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never before witnessed
in medicaI annals,

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Mr, Gus Klinger, a steam fitter,

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has, over a three-month
period, turned into a rug,

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Here is his wife, Mrs, Klinger,
to explain what happened,

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Well, it all started as a simple case of
shag pile on the belly, but then, gradually,

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it spread, untiI he is now a
9 by 1 2 carpet, With fringe,

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I am just going to have to
sue for divorce, that's all,

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Why is that, Mrs, Klinger?
- Cos he does not match the drapes,

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OK, now it is with great
pleasure and no little concern

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that I present my dear friend
Rowlf, with an originaI poem

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written, directed, and
conceived by Rowlf -

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sort of a tour de force, which is
French for "blow your own horn,"

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So let's bring him on
with a great big hand,

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I've titled this originaI
poem "The Butterfly,"

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I saw a butterfly one beautifuI morn

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Flitting silently on
the dew-covered lawn

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And I thought to myself
how wonderfuI it would be

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If only we could see

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Millions of these

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Covering the mountains,
the plains, and the seas,

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I held out my hand

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And motioned it to land

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And as it did, I looked for another
butterfly with which to mate it,

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I couldn't find one so
I sat down and ate it,

155
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It was only a joke, I'm just kidding,

156
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Well, Statler would have
loved that one, but I hated it,

157
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OK, let's move that butterfly,
Move it, move it, move it,

158
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Well, at least you're
better than that bear,

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Not much, but...

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Hey! What are you doing here?

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Well, if it's any of your business,
janitor man, I'm waiting for Miss Harper,

162
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It looks like your plant
could use some watering,

163
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Hm? No! No! You fooI! Oh, no!

164
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This is an African berry bush,
It grows at an enormous rate,

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It will grow and grow and
eat everything in sight,

166
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It bears a striking resemblance
to my brother-in-law,

167
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I think your brother is
going to buy you a house,

168
00:12:06,039 --> 00:12:09,668
Why?
- I heard him say you belong in a home,

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Dip,
- Agh!

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You know, I just can't
seem to hold on to a guy,

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What is it, huh? I'm a reaI good-looker,
a neat dresser, and a great cook,

172
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Come on, tell me now,
What's my problem?

173
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You're too introverted,
- Yeah, maybe you're right,

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00:12:31,964 --> 00:12:36,401
This music they're playin'
is garbage! Pure garbage, man,

175
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Why do you say that?

176
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Enough said?

177
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Uh... Dr, Tooth,
- Teeth,

178
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Teeth, Do you think
honesty is the best policy?

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Oh, positively,

180
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Well, you are a terrible dancer,

181
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Another crack like that and your best
policy will be an insurance policy,

182
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You'd better be carefuI,
There's a bat coming your way,

183
00:13:05,198 --> 00:13:08,964
Oh, that's all right,
My uncle was a vampire,

184
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It's not that kind of a bat,

185
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A definite improvement,

186
00:13:21,581 --> 00:13:23,640
So what do I do here?

187
00:13:23,716 --> 00:13:26,048
Oh, Sam, you just play
the part of the bird,

188
00:13:26,119 --> 00:13:28,679
I mean, it's not written
for an eagle, but...

189
00:13:28,754 --> 00:13:31,917
Well, is this culturaI?
- Oh, yeah, This is light opera,

190
00:13:31,991 --> 00:13:34,289
Gilbert and Sullivan,

191
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Begin,

192
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# On a tree by the
river a little tomtit

193
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# Sang...

194
00:13:43,002 --> 00:13:45,436
Uh... This is your part, Sam,

195
00:13:45,505 --> 00:13:49,339
Willow, titwillow, titwillow,

196
00:13:49,408 --> 00:13:52,434
# And I said to him, "Dickeybird... "

197
00:13:52,512 --> 00:13:55,174
That's you, Sam, You play
the part of the dickeybird,

198
00:13:55,248 --> 00:13:58,115
# "Why do you sit, singing... "

199
00:14:00,253 --> 00:14:02,244
Dickeybird?

200
00:14:04,624 --> 00:14:08,355
Willow, titwillow, titwillow,

201
00:14:08,427 --> 00:14:12,955
# "Is it weakness of
intellect, birdie?" I cried

202
00:14:13,032 --> 00:14:14,795
Not meaning you, Sam,
- Mm, Yes, yes,

203
00:14:14,867 --> 00:14:18,735
# "Or a rather tough worm
in your little inside?"

204
00:14:18,804 --> 00:14:23,571
# With a shake of his poor
little head, he replied

205
00:14:23,643 --> 00:14:27,079
Willow, titwillow, titwillow,

206
00:14:30,483 --> 00:14:35,352
# Now I feeI just as sure as
I'm sure that my name isn't

207
00:14:35,421 --> 00:14:39,016
Willow, titwillow, titwillow,

208
00:14:39,091 --> 00:14:43,425
# That 'twas blighted
affection that made him exclaim

209
00:14:43,496 --> 00:14:45,691
You wanna do this?

210
00:14:45,765 --> 00:14:48,359
Uh... Willow, titwillow, titwillow,

211
00:14:48,434 --> 00:14:52,734
# And if you remain
callous and obdurate, I

212
00:14:52,805 --> 00:14:54,932
What's "obdurate"?
- I don't know, Sam,

213
00:14:55,007 --> 00:14:59,410
# Shall perish as he
did, and you will know why

214
00:14:59,478 --> 00:15:03,915
# Though I probably
shall not exclaim as I die

215
00:15:03,983 --> 00:15:06,474
This is the last one, Sam,

216
00:15:06,552 --> 00:15:11,956
Willow... titwillow... titwillow,

217
00:15:13,693 --> 00:15:16,025
Why are they laughing?

218
00:15:24,704 --> 00:15:27,036
# Gonna find her

219
00:15:28,374 --> 00:15:30,706
# Gonna find her

220
00:15:31,944 --> 00:15:34,276
# Gonna find her

221
00:15:36,449 --> 00:15:38,383
# Yeah

222
00:15:39,185 --> 00:15:41,346
# Been searchin'

223
00:15:43,089 --> 00:15:45,080
# Searchin'

224
00:15:46,726 --> 00:15:52,323
# Searchin' every
which a-way, yeah, yeah

225
00:15:53,966 --> 00:15:55,763
# Searchin'

226
00:15:55,835 --> 00:15:57,496
# Oh, yeah

227
00:15:57,570 --> 00:15:59,333
# Searchin'

228
00:15:59,405 --> 00:16:01,066
# Mm-hm

229
00:16:01,140 --> 00:16:06,908
# Searchin' every
which a-way, yeah, yeah

230
00:16:06,979 --> 00:16:12,383
# But I'm like a Northwest Mountie

231
00:16:12,451 --> 00:16:16,683
# You know I'll bring her back someday

232
00:16:18,891 --> 00:16:21,052
# Gonna find her

233
00:16:21,127 --> 00:16:26,929
# Well, now, if I have to swim a river

234
00:16:26,999 --> 00:16:29,524
# You know I will

235
00:16:29,602 --> 00:16:34,062
# And if I have to climb a mountain

236
00:16:34,140 --> 00:16:36,768
# You know I will

237
00:16:36,842 --> 00:16:40,243
# And if she's a-hiding

238
00:16:40,313 --> 00:16:44,579
# Up on a blueberry hill

239
00:16:44,650 --> 00:16:50,555
# Am I gonna find her,
child, you know I will

240
00:16:50,623 --> 00:16:53,751
# Cos I've been searchin'

241
00:16:53,826 --> 00:16:55,521
# Oh, yeah

242
00:16:55,594 --> 00:16:57,425
# Searchin'

243
00:16:57,496 --> 00:16:59,123
# Goodness

244
00:16:59,198 --> 00:17:04,966
# Searchin' every
which a-way, yeah, yeah

245
00:17:05,037 --> 00:17:10,441
# Well, I'm like
that Northwest Mountie

246
00:17:10,509 --> 00:17:14,673
# You know I'll bring her back someday

247
00:17:16,949 --> 00:17:19,577
# Gonna find her

248
00:17:19,652 --> 00:17:25,022
# Yeah, I'm like a Northwest Mountie

249
00:17:25,091 --> 00:17:29,221
# You know I'll bring her back someday

250
00:17:30,029 --> 00:17:32,725
I'll find you, darling,
- # Gonna quit now

251
00:17:32,798 --> 00:17:36,393
I know you're around here someplace,
- # Gonna quit now

252
00:17:36,469 --> 00:17:38,767
Oh, this is hard work,

253
00:17:38,838 --> 00:17:40,533
# Gonna quit

254
00:17:40,606 --> 00:17:42,267
OK,

255
00:17:48,314 --> 00:17:53,752
Just think, that old fooI Statler's getting
a chance to meet Miss Harper backstage,

256
00:17:53,819 --> 00:17:55,946
Just because he could do a flip,

257
00:17:56,021 --> 00:17:58,421
But I bet he can't do this,

258
00:18:01,193 --> 00:18:03,559
Sometimes I tickle myself,

259
00:18:03,629 --> 00:18:07,065
In fact, I think I'll
tickle myself now,

260
00:18:11,771 --> 00:18:15,070
Statler! You gotta do something
about this crazy plant of yours,

261
00:18:15,141 --> 00:18:17,905
Now, hold it right
there, I know my rights,

262
00:18:17,977 --> 00:18:21,606
Section three, paragraph
four, Theatergoer's Manual.

263
00:18:21,680 --> 00:18:23,807
"Any member of the audience
has the right to... "

264
00:18:23,883 --> 00:18:26,351
Oh, don't give me that hogwash!
- What did you say?

265
00:18:26,419 --> 00:18:29,616
I said, "Don't give me that hogwash,"
- All right, I was gonna wash the hogs,

266
00:18:29,688 --> 00:18:32,020
but if you don't want the
hogwash, I'll just dump it here,

267
00:18:32,091 --> 00:18:34,082
No, no, no! Not there!

268
00:18:34,160 --> 00:18:36,151
What? Oh, no,

269
00:18:37,663 --> 00:18:41,326
Help! Bush running
amuck! Bush running amuck!

270
00:18:41,400 --> 00:18:43,630
Help! Help! Help!

271
00:18:43,702 --> 00:18:46,227
Oh, no, Help!
- I'll get you, I'll get you, Just hold still,

272
00:18:47,540 --> 00:18:50,304
Hilda, I lost my comb, Do you
know where I can get a new one?

273
00:18:50,376 --> 00:18:53,709
Oh, haven't you met
Bernie, our new makeup man?

274
00:18:53,779 --> 00:18:58,079
No, I guess I haven't,
- Oh, Bernie! Bernie!

275
00:18:58,150 --> 00:19:01,517
Bernie, Miss Harper
needs a comb, Bernie,

276
00:19:01,587 --> 00:19:04,556
Oh, hiya, Miss Harper,
- Hiya, Bernie,

277
00:19:04,623 --> 00:19:09,720
I'll get you a comb in just a
minute, In the meantime, have an egg,

278
00:19:11,664 --> 00:19:13,962
Hilda, don't tell me he's...

279
00:19:14,033 --> 00:19:17,901
That's right, He's the Easter Bernie,

280
00:19:17,970 --> 00:19:19,631
Oh, dear,

281
00:19:20,439 --> 00:19:24,466
Finally, they gave Hilda the pinch line,
- Don't you mean punch line?

282
00:19:24,543 --> 00:19:27,944
No, I mean the pinch line,
- How come?

283
00:19:28,013 --> 00:19:30,174
Agh!

284
00:19:30,249 --> 00:19:34,515
That's how come,
- Hiya, sweetie,

285
00:19:34,587 --> 00:19:38,717
Hilda, you want a punch
line, this is a punch line,

286
00:19:38,791 --> 00:19:40,656
Agh!

287
00:19:40,726 --> 00:19:42,887
Nice punch, Valerie,

288
00:19:49,201 --> 00:19:52,102
Onstage for the next sketch, please,
- Uh... Kermit,

289
00:19:52,171 --> 00:19:55,538
Mm? What?
- Kermit, I cannot do my monologue,

290
00:19:55,608 --> 00:19:59,544
How come?
- Because the tree ate my cue cards,

291
00:20:00,446 --> 00:20:03,643
Statler! One of these days
I'm gonna get you for this,

292
00:20:03,716 --> 00:20:08,210
You could have avoided all this if you'd
let me meet Miss Harper when I asked,

293
00:20:08,287 --> 00:20:10,721
The only person you're going
to meet back here is Tarzan,

294
00:20:13,926 --> 00:20:16,417
I hope he's a good dancer,

295
00:20:20,566 --> 00:20:24,696
Once again, the happy harmonies,
the melodious melodies,

296
00:20:24,770 --> 00:20:28,866
the warm warblings of Wayne and Wanda,

297
00:20:28,941 --> 00:20:31,910
Please, do it for me, Or somebody,

298
00:20:39,385 --> 00:20:43,515
# On a clear day

299
00:20:43,589 --> 00:20:47,889
# Rise and look around you

300
00:20:47,960 --> 00:20:49,951
# And you'll see

301
00:20:50,029 --> 00:20:54,125
# Where you are

302
00:20:57,836 --> 00:21:00,236
Here's a Muppet news flash,

303
00:21:01,206 --> 00:21:03,697
Dateline... Oh,

304
00:21:06,145 --> 00:21:07,806
Sorry,

305
00:21:10,849 --> 00:21:13,511
Kermit, I am so pleased
that you're gonna allow me

306
00:21:13,586 --> 00:21:16,146
to do a big dance
number to close the show,

307
00:21:16,221 --> 00:21:19,418
Oh, listen, it's my pleasure,
Hey, but I think I should warn you,

308
00:21:19,491 --> 00:21:21,482
you're gonna be doing
this with our chorus line

309
00:21:21,560 --> 00:21:24,893
and they're known as the Clodhoppers,
- That's perfect,

310
00:21:24,964 --> 00:21:30,027
It's been so long since I've danced,
I'll fit right in, I'll be a perfect clod,

311
00:21:30,102 --> 00:21:32,764
Oh, no, no, Don't worry, I'm
gonna give it my best shot,

312
00:21:32,838 --> 00:21:36,137
You're a trooper, Valerie, I'll
go out there and introduce you, OK?

313
00:21:36,208 --> 00:21:37,869
OK,

314
00:21:37,943 --> 00:21:41,879
Hang in there, gang, This could
be the start of a new career,

315
00:21:41,947 --> 00:21:44,438
Or the end of one,

316
00:21:47,019 --> 00:21:49,419
OK, and now, once again,
ladies and gentlemen,

317
00:21:49,488 --> 00:21:52,013
Miss Valerie Harper
with the Clodhoppers,

318
00:22:07,039 --> 00:22:09,200
Hey,

319
00:22:09,274 --> 00:22:11,265
Thank you,

320
00:22:14,380 --> 00:22:15,574
Agh!

321
00:22:27,326 --> 00:22:29,851
# If there's a wrong way to say it

322
00:22:29,928 --> 00:22:32,453
# A wrong way to play it

323
00:22:32,531 --> 00:22:35,659
# Nobody does it like me

324
00:22:35,734 --> 00:22:38,396
# If there's a wrong way to do it

325
00:22:38,470 --> 00:22:40,904
# A right way to mess it up

326
00:22:40,973 --> 00:22:43,874
# Nobody does it like me

327
00:22:46,679 --> 00:22:48,340
Oh,

328
00:22:49,982 --> 00:22:52,416
Yoo hoo,
- Oh,

329
00:22:52,484 --> 00:22:55,044
# If there's a wrong
way to keep it cooI

330
00:22:55,120 --> 00:22:57,588
# A right way to be a fooI

331
00:22:57,656 --> 00:23:00,784
# Nobody does it like me

332
00:23:00,859 --> 00:23:04,022
# If there's a wrong bell, I ring it

333
00:23:04,096 --> 00:23:06,030
# A wrong note, I sing it

334
00:23:06,098 --> 00:23:09,556
# Nobody does it like me

335
00:23:09,635 --> 00:23:12,035
# If there's a wrong way to keep a guy

336
00:23:12,104 --> 00:23:14,470
# Right way to lose a guy

337
00:23:14,540 --> 00:23:17,532
# Nobody does it like me

338
00:23:18,811 --> 00:23:20,745
# Nobody does it, no

339
00:23:20,813 --> 00:23:22,872
# Nobody does it like

340
00:23:27,486 --> 00:23:31,320
# Nobody does it like

341
00:23:35,327 --> 00:23:36,794
# Me

342
00:23:46,705 --> 00:23:49,003
Well, once again, friends,
it's time to say so long,

343
00:23:49,074 --> 00:23:53,511
but first, let's thank our speciaI
guest star, Miss Valerie Harper, Yeah!

344
00:23:55,247 --> 00:24:00,378
Kermit, I can't tell you how great it's
been being with you, if very unusuaI,

345
00:24:00,452 --> 00:24:02,249
Excuse me, Miss Harper,

346
00:24:02,321 --> 00:24:05,381
My name is Statler, I...
- Oh, for heaven's sake, Statler!

347
00:24:05,457 --> 00:24:09,860
I was wanting to meet you all evening,
I wanted to give you this little present

348
00:24:09,928 --> 00:24:12,761
and ask if you'd join me
for a steak dinner later on,

349
00:24:12,831 --> 00:24:17,666
Wait a second, Didn't that plant grow into
a great big bush or was that my imagination?

350
00:24:17,736 --> 00:24:20,728
Yeah, well, this is its firstborn,

351
00:24:20,806 --> 00:24:24,173
Thank you very much, Statler, It's
lovely, But I can't join you for dinner,

352
00:24:24,243 --> 00:24:27,679
You see, I'm a vegetarian, Of
course, I could always eat the plant,

353
00:24:27,746 --> 00:24:30,544
Before it eats you,

354
00:24:30,616 --> 00:24:32,607
OK, well, good night,
Valerie, Good night, everybody,

355
00:24:32,684 --> 00:24:34,584
We'll see you all next
time on The Muppet Show.

356
00:24:34,653 --> 00:24:38,180
You're not too bad yourself,
Hubba hubba hubba, Hey? What? No,

357
00:24:38,257 --> 00:24:41,988
What are you...? What? No, Wait, Wait,

358
00:25:19,565 --> 00:25:21,692
I was practicing my flip,

359
00:25:21,767 --> 00:25:23,428
Help!