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00:00:10,657 --> 00:00:16,152
It's The Muppet Show, with our
very speciaI guest star Twiggy!

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# It's time to play the music

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# It's time to light the lights

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00:00:28,775 --> 00:00:32,905
# It's time to meet the Muppets
on The Muppet Show tonight

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# It's time to put on makeup

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# It's time to dress up right

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# It's time to raise the curtain
on The Muppet Show tonight

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Hey, I went to a resort
hoteI for a change and a rest,

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The waiter got the change and
the hoteI got the rest, Agh!

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00:00:50,630 --> 00:00:52,598
# To introduce our guest star

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# That's what I'm here to do

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# So it really makes me happy

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# To introduce to you

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Twiggy!

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# But now let's get things started
on the most sensationaI, inspirationaI

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# CelebrationaI, MuppetationaI

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# This is what we call

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# The Muppet Show

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Thank you, thank you, thank you,

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Good evening, gang, and welcome
to the show, And what a show it is,

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'cause tonight our speciaI
guest is a beautifuI young lady

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whose face is known the world over,

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She only has one name,
but many talents -

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the one and only Twiggy, We'll
be meeting her in a few minutes,

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but right now let's get things
swinging on The Muppet Show.

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# One, two

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- # One, two, three
- # Whoo

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# Whoo

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# Whoo

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# Dance

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# Dance

32
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- # I gotta shake my shoulders
- # Dance

33
00:02:11,011 --> 00:02:14,447
- # I gotta move my bones, yeah
- # Dance

34
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- # I gotta keep on grooving
- # Dance

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# As long as my motor runs

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# I can jump, stomp my feet

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# Uh, uh, uh

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# Blame it on the rhythm
Let me hear the beat

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# 'Cause I get loose

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# Let out my juice

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# When I dance

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# Dance

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# Whoo

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# Whoo

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# Oh, dance

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- # I gotta shake my shoulders
- # Dance

47
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- # I gotta move my bones, yeah
- # Dance

48
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- # I gotta keep on grooving
- # Dance

49
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# As long as my motor runs

50
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# Something where Don't be square

51
00:03:07,734 --> 00:03:09,031
# Uh, uh, uh

52
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# Keep on grooving
now It's your best bet

53
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# If you must

54
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# Rose Mary's angeI dust

55
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# Will make you dance

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# Ooh

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# Dance

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# Ooh

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# Ooh

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00:03:33,593 --> 00:03:35,584
# Dance

61
00:03:38,465 --> 00:03:42,299
Was that a great number?
- I don't know, I slept through it,

62
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Me too, That's why I asked,

63
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OK, Very nice, Very nice,

64
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You guys have come a long way
since you were feather dusters,

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Thank you, I enjoyed it
ever so much, really I did,

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Kermit, Kermit,

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Call me kooky, call me crazy, but I think
there's a Phantom of The Muppet Show.

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You're kooky, You're crazy,
- No, I'm serious,

69
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I was just up in the
stars' dressing room

70
00:04:07,527 --> 00:04:10,928
and I saw the most ghoulish,
fiendish-looking face in the closet,

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That was me, clown, I was
hanging up the wardrobe,

72
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No, no, no, After you left,

73
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Listen, Kermit, I'm serious, There's
something here that should be looked into,

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Yes, your head,

75
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Phantom of The Muppet
Show!

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Look, Scooter, we're kinda busy right
now, but we'll keep our eyes open,

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I mean, seriously, I think you've
been using your imagination too much,

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If there's a Phantom of The
Muppet Show, I'm a monkey's uncle,

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Help! There's a phantom
in the dressing room!

80
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Anybody got a banana?

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Right now I'd like to
introduce the lovely Leafy,

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Barky, No, Branchy, Uh...

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Twiggy,

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Do I get credit for being close?

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Hello, everyone, I'd like to thank
you all for coming here today,

86
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You're welcome,
- I really love press conferences,

87
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but I will try and answer any
questions that you might have,

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I have a question, I have a question,
- Yes?

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Miss Twiggy, how is it that a beautifuI
girI like you only has one nose?

90
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Eh? Um...

91
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Well, I mean, that's usuaI, isn't it?

92
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Oh, yeah, So I noticed,

93
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Twiggy... Wait a minute,
- Twiggy! Twiggy!

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I have a... I have a serious question, Who
are the most important people in your life?

95
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Yeah, and what about the places?
- Oh, yeah, That would be interesting,

96
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# There are places I remember

97
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# All my life

98
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# Though some have changed

99
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# Some forever, not for better

100
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# Some have gone and some remain

101
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# All these places had their moments

102
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# With lovers and friends

103
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# I still can recall

104
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# Some are dead and some are living

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# In my life

106
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# I've loved them all

107
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# Though I know I'll
never lose affection

108
00:07:05,171 --> 00:07:07,867
# For places and things

109
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# I still can recall

110
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# And I know I'll often
stop and think about them

111
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# In my life

112
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# I've loved them all

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Uh, Twiggy makes my heart sing,

114
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Oh, well, let me hear,
- Hm?

115
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Nice song, but your
pacemaker needs tuning,

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Argh!

117
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Don't do that, Don't you
know that this is serious?

118
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Everybody here is scared of
the Phantom of The Muppet Show.

119
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Kermit, you've got to do something,
- Yeah, Fozzie's right,

120
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I just saw the most terrifying face
peering out from behind the sewing machine,

121
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Oh, that was me again, you nitwit,
- No, it was after you left,

122
00:08:13,006 --> 00:08:15,770
Oh, scaredy-cats,
- Scaredy-cats?!

123
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I'll have you know...

124
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Listen to me, This is ridiculous, You've
gotta keep your head on your shoulders,

125
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That's better,

126
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Oh, sure, sure, You
can joke all you want,

127
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but there is something
funny going on around here,

128
00:08:32,659 --> 00:08:35,685
Fine, But there better be
something funny going on out there,

129
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Come on, move it, move it,
- All right, Go, go, go!

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Phantom of The Muppet Show.

131
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Ah, what fools these Muppets be,

132
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Right now the ever-popular
Wayne and Wanda,

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and their version of that great oldie,

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"Let It Snow, Let It
Snow, Let It Snow,"

135
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Oh, let it work, let
it work, let it work,

136
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# Oh, the weather outside is frightfuI

137
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# But the fire is so delightfuI

138
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# But if you've no place to go

139
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# Let it snow, let it snow, let it...

140
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Funny, funny! Ha!

141
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Ow! Oh, my nose,

142
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Thank you,

143
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Hello, you two,
- Oh, hi, Twiggy,

144
00:09:43,696 --> 00:09:47,359
Hey, Muppy and I here were hoping
you'd tell us a little bedtime story,

145
00:09:47,433 --> 00:09:49,799
Oh, I'd love to, but what
would you like to hear?

146
00:09:49,869 --> 00:09:53,134
Well, Muppy here really
likes the poems of AA Milne,

147
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You wouldn't know one, would you?
- Know one? I've rehearsed one,

148
00:09:57,477 --> 00:10:00,241
It's called "The King's Breakfast,"

149
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The king asked the queen and
the queen asked the dairymaid...

150
00:10:13,126 --> 00:10:16,687
Could we have some butter
for the royaI slice of bread?

151
00:10:16,763 --> 00:10:20,290
The queen asked the dairymaid,
The dairymaid said, "Certainly,"

152
00:10:20,366 --> 00:10:24,166
"I'll go and see the cow
now before she goes to bed,"

153
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The dairymaid she curtsied,
and went to see the Alderney,

154
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"Don't forget the butter for
the royaI slice of bread,"

155
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The Alderney said sleepily...

156
00:10:38,084 --> 00:10:40,416
You'd better tell His Majesty

157
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that many people nowadays
like marmalade instead,

158
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The dairymaid said, "Fancy!"
and went to Her Majesty,

159
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She curtsied to the queen
and she turned a little red,

160
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"Excuse me, Your Majesty,
for taking of the liberty,

161
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but marmalade is tasty if
it's very thickly spread,"

162
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The queen said...
- Oh,

163
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...and went to His Majesty,

164
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Talking of the butter for
the royaI slice of bread,

165
00:11:12,218 --> 00:11:15,813
many people think that
marmalade is nicer,

166
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Would you like to try a
little marmalade instead?

167
00:11:19,392 --> 00:11:21,485
The king said...
- Bother,

168
00:11:21,561 --> 00:11:24,291
And then he said...
- Oh, deary me,

169
00:11:24,364 --> 00:11:26,889
The king sobbed...
- Oh, deary me,

170
00:11:26,966 --> 00:11:29,332
...and went back to bed,

171
00:11:29,402 --> 00:11:31,302
Nobody...
- He whimpered...

172
00:11:31,371 --> 00:11:33,396
...could call me a fussy man,

173
00:11:33,473 --> 00:11:36,772
I only want a little bit
of butter for my bread,

174
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The queen said...
- There, there,

175
00:11:39,979 --> 00:11:42,243
...and then she went to the dairymaid,

176
00:11:42,315 --> 00:11:46,274
The dairymaid said, "There,
there," and went to the shed,

177
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The cow said...
- Oh, there, there,

178
00:11:49,188 --> 00:11:51,179
I didn't really mean it,

179
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Here's milk for his porringer
and butter for his bread,

180
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The queen took the butter
and brought it to His Majesty,

181
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The king said...
- Butter, eh?

182
00:12:05,238 --> 00:12:07,035
...and bounced out of bed,

183
00:12:07,106 --> 00:12:11,065
Nobody...
- He said, as he kissed her tenderly,

184
00:12:11,144 --> 00:12:15,774
Nobody...
- He said, as he slid down the banisters,

185
00:12:17,316 --> 00:12:21,810
Nobody, my darling,
could call me a fussy man,

186
00:12:21,888 --> 00:12:26,222
but I do like a little
bit of butter to my bread,

187
00:12:36,736 --> 00:12:39,261
That was wonderfuI,

188
00:12:48,214 --> 00:12:51,843
Oh, honey, at our wedding,
who's going to be the best man?

189
00:12:51,918 --> 00:12:55,649
My brother,
- Oh, Maybe I should marry him,

190
00:12:57,423 --> 00:13:00,051
Hey, hey, you said I
could lead this time,

191
00:13:00,126 --> 00:13:04,290
OK, OK, but I thought you
promised to wear the pink taffeta,

192
00:13:04,363 --> 00:13:07,127
Oh, so I lied,

193
00:13:08,000 --> 00:13:12,096
What's the difference
between immoraI and illegaI?

194
00:13:12,171 --> 00:13:16,198
Well, immoraI is,
uh, doing bad things,

195
00:13:16,275 --> 00:13:18,971
IllegaI is me with a tummy ache,

196
00:13:20,146 --> 00:13:22,637
I didn't write it,

197
00:13:24,083 --> 00:13:26,847
Hey, thank you for letting
me have this dance with you,

198
00:13:26,919 --> 00:13:31,413
What did you say your name was?
- Mary Louise, One, two, three, dip,

199
00:13:31,491 --> 00:13:33,322
Argh!

200
00:13:34,760 --> 00:13:37,752
Yeah, so, I've
recorded three record albums

201
00:13:37,830 --> 00:13:41,459
and they're really great,
but they haven't sold,

202
00:13:41,534 --> 00:13:43,195
What do you sing? Rock?

203
00:13:43,269 --> 00:13:45,260
No, lullabies,

204
00:13:47,006 --> 00:13:49,099
One, two, three, dip,

205
00:13:49,175 --> 00:13:50,699
One, two, three, twirI,

206
00:13:54,547 --> 00:13:56,879
Cute... cute dance step,

207
00:14:57,009 --> 00:14:58,874
Phew,

208
00:15:32,111 --> 00:15:34,375
Ooh,

209
00:15:35,181 --> 00:15:37,342
Sorry about that,

210
00:16:02,975 --> 00:16:05,773
Hello. I am Vendaface,

211
00:16:05,845 --> 00:16:10,248
the world's first fully
automatic psychiatric machine.

212
00:16:10,316 --> 00:16:12,807
Simply insert coin in slot,

213
00:16:12,885 --> 00:16:18,687
step up to machine, and I will
tell you what your problem is.

214
00:16:18,758 --> 00:16:21,090
Oh, yes, yes, yes,

215
00:16:24,297 --> 00:16:27,289
Please insert another coin.

216
00:16:30,269 --> 00:16:33,432
Please insert another coin.

217
00:16:36,909 --> 00:16:39,343
OK, OK, Now, what is my problem?

218
00:16:39,412 --> 00:16:42,074
You are much too generous.

219
00:16:43,349 --> 00:16:45,112
Gah!

220
00:16:45,184 --> 00:16:48,779
What do you mean, much too generous?

221
00:16:48,854 --> 00:16:52,346
You also have a rotten temper.

222
00:16:57,663 --> 00:17:00,359
I think that was
great, Right, Statler?

223
00:17:00,433 --> 00:17:02,298
Statler! You fell,

224
00:17:02,368 --> 00:17:05,997
No, my upper plate
fell, I jumped after it,

225
00:17:09,408 --> 00:17:12,241
So, you still don't believe us
about the phantom, huh, Kermit?

226
00:17:12,311 --> 00:17:16,611
Listen, Scooter, there are no such things
as ghosts, or goblins, or phantoms...

227
00:17:17,817 --> 00:17:22,584
Oh, help! Help, somebody! Help!
- Hilda, what is it now?

228
00:17:22,655 --> 00:17:27,615
Kermit, I just saw the
most hideous, inhuman face,

229
00:17:27,693 --> 00:17:30,560
For a moment, I thought it was Gonzo,

230
00:17:30,629 --> 00:17:32,961
But that was me,

231
00:17:33,032 --> 00:17:37,594
Well, what are you doing scaring
an old lady half to death?

232
00:17:37,670 --> 00:17:41,697
Well, I was hiding from the phantom,
- See? See, Kermit?

233
00:17:41,774 --> 00:17:44,641
AII I see are a bunch of
Muppets spreading mass hysteria,

234
00:17:44,710 --> 00:17:48,669
Now, there is no such thing as a phantom,
That's finaI, Period, End of report,

235
00:17:48,748 --> 00:17:50,716
Uh, K-Kermit?
Kermit? - What?

236
00:17:50,783 --> 00:17:53,115
What has a skull-like head,

237
00:17:53,185 --> 00:17:57,144
fiery green eyes and a torn cape?

238
00:17:57,223 --> 00:17:59,885
I don't know,
- I don't know either,

239
00:17:59,959 --> 00:18:02,427
but it's right behind you,

240
00:18:08,467 --> 00:18:10,992
Uh, you will notice that I
didn't fall for their joke,

241
00:18:11,070 --> 00:18:14,665
And if it isn't a joke - I mean, if
there is someone or something behind me -

242
00:18:14,740 --> 00:18:17,072
there is no doubt a
logicaI explanation for it,

243
00:18:17,143 --> 00:18:22,171
So I shall now just turn slowly
around and see what is going on here,

244
00:18:22,248 --> 00:18:26,548
Uh, pardon me, sir, but is there a
logicaI explanation for your presence here?

245
00:18:31,223 --> 00:18:33,714
Apparently, there is
no logicaI explanation,

246
00:18:39,632 --> 00:18:42,965
Here is a Muppet news flash,

247
00:18:43,035 --> 00:18:44,627
Dateline, London,

248
00:18:44,703 --> 00:18:50,437
Mrs, Lola Thomas of that city has just
finished eating an entire dieseI tractor,

249
00:18:50,509 --> 00:18:53,171
Tell me, Mrs, Thomas, why
did you do such a thing?

250
00:18:53,245 --> 00:18:56,373
Well, the doctor told me I had
an iron deficiency, you see,

251
00:18:56,449 --> 00:19:00,385
so I started on a couple of doorknobs
and the occasionaI typewriter,

252
00:19:00,453 --> 00:19:04,082
But there's nothing really quite
like a good bit of dieseI tractor

253
00:19:04,156 --> 00:19:07,148
with your chips and peas, is there?

254
00:19:07,226 --> 00:19:10,923
What an extraordinary feat,
I mean, how was it done?

255
00:19:10,996 --> 00:19:14,193
Oh, Medium rare or thereabouts,

256
00:19:15,768 --> 00:19:18,464
Is this lady making a fooI of me?

257
00:19:27,546 --> 00:19:32,882
She didn't make a fooI of him,
- No, He managed it all by himself,

258
00:19:45,798 --> 00:19:47,789
Nothing,

259
00:19:56,575 --> 00:20:00,306
Who are you?
- I am Uncle Deadly,

260
00:20:00,379 --> 00:20:04,611
Better known as the
Phantom of The Muppet Show.

261
00:20:04,683 --> 00:20:08,210
Yes, sir, W-w-w-well,
Uncle, uh, Deadly, uh,

262
00:20:08,287 --> 00:20:11,051
Phantom, uh, whatever do you want?
I mean, I'm just a... just a frog,

263
00:20:11,123 --> 00:20:14,354
Just a little, harmless, little,
helpless, little, harmless, green frog,

264
00:20:14,426 --> 00:20:17,224
I never hurt a fly, Well, maybe
I ate a few as a kid, but...

265
00:20:17,296 --> 00:20:20,288
Enough of your horrible little jokes!
- Yes, sir,

266
00:20:20,366 --> 00:20:23,130
You Muppets have
taken over my theatre,

267
00:20:23,202 --> 00:20:24,931
Yes, sir,
- My home,

268
00:20:25,004 --> 00:20:29,407
Years ago, I was a
great actor, A star,

269
00:20:29,475 --> 00:20:35,812
In this very theatre, my Hamlet
was acclaimed as the greatest ever,

270
00:20:35,881 --> 00:20:40,875
Yes, sir,
- And then I played my most difficult role,

271
00:20:40,953 --> 00:20:42,477
Othello,

272
00:20:42,555 --> 00:20:45,353
But opening night, I was killed,

273
00:20:45,424 --> 00:20:48,222
Oh, well, I-I'm very sorry
to hear that, Who killed you?

274
00:20:48,294 --> 00:20:50,455
The critics,

275
00:20:50,529 --> 00:20:52,759
Enough,
- Yes, sir,

276
00:20:52,831 --> 00:20:57,734
I swore I would never perform
here again, nor would anyone else,

277
00:20:57,803 --> 00:21:01,569
No, sir,
- I will drive you all from this theatre,

278
00:21:01,640 --> 00:21:05,633
Leave or be doomed!

279
00:21:08,213 --> 00:21:10,545
Which way do I exit?

280
00:21:14,486 --> 00:21:18,923
"Leave or be doomed," I don't
think I like those options,

281
00:21:18,991 --> 00:21:22,518
Kermit, Oh, oh, Kermit, we
have been looking for you,

282
00:21:22,595 --> 00:21:24,825
It was all a joke,

283
00:21:24,897 --> 00:21:27,991
Yeah, that's right, chief, George
was just trying to scare us,

284
00:21:28,067 --> 00:21:31,901
Yeah, he said he found an old mask and
cape in the cellar, Can you imagine that?

285
00:21:31,971 --> 00:21:36,271
Yeah, I was just fooling
around, There ain't no phantom,

286
00:21:36,342 --> 00:21:39,436
I was just trying to
scare everybody,

287
00:21:39,511 --> 00:21:42,446
Well, you certainly did, and if you
ever do it again you're out of a job,

288
00:21:42,514 --> 00:21:44,607
You scared me out of
about ten years' growth,

289
00:21:44,683 --> 00:21:46,742
and I can't afford to get any smaller,

290
00:21:46,819 --> 00:21:49,879
Leave or be doomed!

291
00:21:49,955 --> 00:21:52,014
Uh... uh, George...

292
00:21:52,091 --> 00:21:54,787
if you're down here,
who's that up there?

293
00:21:54,860 --> 00:21:56,725
That must be...

294
00:21:56,795 --> 00:22:00,754
the Phantom of The Muppet Show!

295
00:22:03,836 --> 00:22:10,742
Well, that may have been one of the
greatest performances of my career,

296
00:22:12,845 --> 00:22:15,006
Our guest star tonight
was born in London,

297
00:22:15,080 --> 00:22:19,449
but all you folks in Enid, Oklahoma,
better stand by to hear a souI sister,

298
00:22:19,518 --> 00:22:25,753
Ladies and gentlemen, the down-home
sound of the incomparable Twiggy!

299
00:22:30,429 --> 00:22:33,523
# You've got a girI, you love her
Sunday Then you've got another on Monday

300
00:22:33,599 --> 00:22:36,727
# That ain't nobody's
business but my own

301
00:22:36,802 --> 00:22:39,794
# Sitting by the phone, waiting for your
call You're out somewhere having a ball

302
00:22:39,872 --> 00:22:43,501
# That ain't nobody's
business but my own

303
00:22:43,575 --> 00:22:46,544
# Nobody's business Nobody's business

304
00:22:46,612 --> 00:22:50,013
# Ain't nobody's business but my own

305
00:22:50,082 --> 00:22:53,017
# Nobody's business Nobody's business

306
00:22:53,085 --> 00:22:56,077
# Ain't nobody's business but my own

307
00:22:56,155 --> 00:22:59,454
# All night long you're playing poker
Tell me, what's the name of that joker?

308
00:22:59,525 --> 00:23:02,722
# That ain't nobody's
business but my own

309
00:23:02,795 --> 00:23:05,992
# I come over, say, "Here I am"
And then I hear the back door slam

310
00:23:06,065 --> 00:23:08,966
# That ain't nobody's
business but my own

311
00:23:09,635 --> 00:23:12,604
# Nobody's business Nobody's business

312
00:23:12,671 --> 00:23:16,072
# Ain't nobody's business but my own

313
00:23:16,141 --> 00:23:19,110
# Nobody's business Nobody's business

314
00:23:19,178 --> 00:23:22,272
# Ain't nobody's business but my own

315
00:23:22,347 --> 00:23:24,076
# Say, you wear the
prettiest ties and collars

316
00:23:24,149 --> 00:23:25,480
# Tell me, where do
you get the dollars?

317
00:23:25,551 --> 00:23:28,850
# That ain't nobody's
business but my own

318
00:23:28,921 --> 00:23:32,049
# You always talk about settling down
When I bring the ring, you're not around

319
00:23:32,124 --> 00:23:35,184
# Well, I'll be there the
next time that you call

320
00:23:35,260 --> 00:23:38,593
- # So let's not fuss and let's not fight
- # I'm sick and tired of saying good night

321
00:23:38,664 --> 00:23:41,758
# Let's make up and
hold each other tight

322
00:23:41,834 --> 00:23:45,133
# Love each other in all kinds of
weather Let's go into business together

323
00:23:45,204 --> 00:23:48,071
# We could start a business of our own

324
00:23:48,574 --> 00:23:51,543
# Nobody's business Nobody's business

325
00:23:51,610 --> 00:23:55,046
# Ain't nobody's business but our own

326
00:23:55,114 --> 00:23:57,981
# Nobody's business Nobody's business

327
00:23:58,050 --> 00:24:04,649
# Ain't nobody's business but our own

328
00:24:14,833 --> 00:24:16,562
OK, that about does
it for another week,

329
00:24:16,635 --> 00:24:18,865
but I do wanna give an
extra speciaI warm thank-you

330
00:24:18,937 --> 00:24:20,962
to our lovely and charming guest star,

331
00:24:21,039 --> 00:24:24,600
Oh, thank you so much,

332
00:24:24,676 --> 00:24:27,577
No, no, no, I mean Twiggy, Twiggy!

333
00:24:30,249 --> 00:24:34,310
I really had a lovely time,
Kermit, I even liked him,

334
00:24:34,386 --> 00:24:38,413
Hey, you like him, you can have him,
- Oh, Well, not that much,

335
00:24:38,490 --> 00:24:42,324
I didn't think so, Hey, we'll see
you all next time on The Muppet Show!

336
00:25:24,136 --> 00:25:26,832
Well, every week this
show looks better to me,

337
00:25:26,905 --> 00:25:30,432
Every week your eyesight gets worse,