It's The Muppet Show, with our very speciaI guest star Twiggy!
# It's time to play the music
# It's time to light the lights
# It's time to meet the Muppets on The Muppet Show tonight
# It's time to put on makeup
# It's time to dress up right
# It's time to raise the curtain on The Muppet Show tonight
Hey, I went to a resort hoteI for a change and a rest,
The waiter got the change and the hoteI got the rest, Agh!
# To introduce our guest star
# That's what I'm here to do
# So it really makes me happy
# To introduce to you
Twiggy!
# But now let's get things started on the most sensationaI, inspirationaI
# CelebrationaI, MuppetationaI
# This is what we call
# The Muppet Show
Thank you, thank you, thank you,
Good evening, gang, and welcome to the show, And what a show it is,
'cause tonight our speciaI guest is a beautifuI young lady
whose face is known the world over,
She only has one name, but many talents -
the one and only Twiggy, We'll be meeting her in a few minutes,
but right now let's get things swinging on The Muppet Show.
# One, two
- # One, two, three - # Whoo
# Whoo
# Dance
- # I gotta shake my shoulders - # Dance
- # I gotta move my bones, yeah - # Dance
- # I gotta keep on grooving - # Dance
# As long as my motor runs
# I can jump, stomp my feet
# Uh, uh, uh
# Blame it on the rhythm Let me hear the beat
# 'Cause I get loose
# Let out my juice
# When I dance
# Dance
# Whoo
# Oh, dance
- # I gotta shake my shoulders - # Dance
- # I gotta move my bones, yeah - # Dance
- # I gotta keep on grooving - # Dance
# As long as my motor runs
# Something where Don't be square
# Uh, uh, uh
# Keep on grooving now It's your best bet
# If you must
# Rose Mary's angeI dust
# Will make you dance
# Ooh
# Dance
# Ooh
# Dance
Was that a great number? - I don't know, I slept through it,
Me too, That's why I asked,
OK, Very nice, Very nice,
You guys have come a long way since you were feather dusters,
Thank you, I enjoyed it ever so much, really I did,
Kermit, Kermit,
Call me kooky, call me crazy, but I think there's a Phantom of The Muppet Show.
You're kooky, You're crazy, - No, I'm serious,
I was just up in the stars' dressing room
and I saw the most ghoulish, fiendish-looking face in the closet,
That was me, clown, I was hanging up the wardrobe,
No, no, no, After you left,
Listen, Kermit, I'm serious, There's something here that should be looked into,
Yes, your head,
Phantom of The Muppet Show!
Look, Scooter, we're kinda busy right now, but we'll keep our eyes open,
I mean, seriously, I think you've been using your imagination too much,
If there's a Phantom of The Muppet Show, I'm a monkey's uncle,
Help! There's a phantom in the dressing room!
Anybody got a banana?
Right now I'd like to introduce the lovely Leafy,
Barky, No, Branchy, Uh...
Twiggy,
Do I get credit for being close?
Hello, everyone, I'd like to thank you all for coming here today,
You're welcome, - I really love press conferences,
but I will try and answer any questions that you might have,
I have a question, I have a question, - Yes?
Miss Twiggy, how is it that a beautifuI girI like you only has one nose?
Eh? Um...
Well, I mean, that's usuaI, isn't it?
Oh, yeah, So I noticed,
Twiggy... Wait a minute, - Twiggy! Twiggy!
I have a... I have a serious question, Who are the most important people in your life?
Yeah, and what about the places? - Oh, yeah, That would be interesting,
# There are places I remember
# All my life
# Though some have changed
# Some forever, not for better
# Some have gone and some remain
# All these places had their moments
# With lovers and friends
# I still can recall
# Some are dead and some are living
# In my life
# I've loved them all
# Though I know I'll never lose affection
# For places and things
# I still can recall
# And I know I'll often stop and think about them
# In my life
# I've loved them all
Uh, Twiggy makes my heart sing,
Oh, well, let me hear, - Hm?
Nice song, but your pacemaker needs tuning,
Argh!
Don't do that, Don't you know that this is serious?
Everybody here is scared of the Phantom of The Muppet Show.
Kermit, you've got to do something, - Yeah, Fozzie's right,
I just saw the most terrifying face peering out from behind the sewing machine,
Oh, that was me again, you nitwit, - No, it was after you left,
Oh, scaredy-cats, - Scaredy-cats?!
I'll have you know...
Listen to me, This is ridiculous, You've gotta keep your head on your shoulders,
That's better,
Oh, sure, sure, You can joke all you want,
but there is something funny going on around here,
Fine, But there better be something funny going on out there,
Come on, move it, move it, - All right, Go, go, go!
Phantom of The Muppet Show.
Ah, what fools these Muppets be,
Right now the ever-popular Wayne and Wanda,
and their version of that great oldie,
"Let It Snow, Let It Snow, Let It Snow,"
Oh, let it work, let it work, let it work,
# Oh, the weather outside is frightfuI
# But the fire is so delightfuI
# But if you've no place to go
# Let it snow, let it snow, let it...
Funny, funny! Ha!
Ow! Oh, my nose,
Thank you,
Hello, you two, - Oh, hi, Twiggy,
Hey, Muppy and I here were hoping you'd tell us a little bedtime story,
Oh, I'd love to, but what would you like to hear?
Well, Muppy here really likes the poems of AA Milne,
You wouldn't know one, would you? - Know one? I've rehearsed one,
It's called "The King's Breakfast,"
The king asked the queen and the queen asked the dairymaid...
Could we have some butter for the royaI slice of bread?
The queen asked the dairymaid, The dairymaid said, "Certainly,"
"I'll go and see the cow now before she goes to bed,"
The dairymaid she curtsied, and went to see the Alderney,
"Don't forget the butter for the royaI slice of bread,"
The Alderney said sleepily...
You'd better tell His Majesty
that many people nowadays like marmalade instead,
The dairymaid said, "Fancy!" and went to Her Majesty,
She curtsied to the queen and she turned a little red,
"Excuse me, Your Majesty, for taking of the liberty,
but marmalade is tasty if it's very thickly spread,"
The queen said... - Oh,
...and went to His Majesty,
Talking of the butter for the royaI slice of bread,
many people think that marmalade is nicer,
Would you like to try a little marmalade instead?
The king said... - Bother,
And then he said... - Oh, deary me,
The king sobbed... - Oh, deary me,
...and went back to bed,
Nobody... - He whimpered...
...could call me a fussy man,
I only want a little bit of butter for my bread,
The queen said... - There, there,
...and then she went to the dairymaid,
The dairymaid said, "There, there," and went to the shed,
The cow said... - Oh, there, there,
I didn't really mean it,
Here's milk for his porringer and butter for his bread,
The queen took the butter and brought it to His Majesty,
The king said... - Butter, eh?
...and bounced out of bed,
Nobody... - He said, as he kissed her tenderly,
Nobody... - He said, as he slid down the banisters,
Nobody, my darling, could call me a fussy man,
but I do like a little bit of butter to my bread,
That was wonderfuI,
Oh, honey, at our wedding, who's going to be the best man?
My brother, - Oh, Maybe I should marry him,
Hey, hey, you said I could lead this time,
OK, OK, but I thought you promised to wear the pink taffeta,
Oh, so I lied,
What's the difference between immoraI and illegaI?
Well, immoraI is, uh, doing bad things,
IllegaI is me with a tummy ache,
I didn't write it,
Hey, thank you for letting me have this dance with you,
What did you say your name was? - Mary Louise, One, two, three, dip,
Argh!
Yeah, so, I've recorded three record albums
and they're really great, but they haven't sold,
What do you sing? Rock?
No, lullabies,
One, two, three, dip,
One, two, three, twirI,
Cute... cute dance step,
Phew,
Ooh,
Sorry about that,
Hello. I am Vendaface,
the world's first fully automatic psychiatric machine.
Simply insert coin in slot,
step up to machine, and I will tell you what your problem is.
Oh, yes, yes, yes,
Please insert another coin.
OK, OK, Now, what is my problem?
You are much too generous.
Gah!
What do you mean, much too generous?
You also have a rotten temper.
I think that was great, Right, Statler?
Statler! You fell,
No, my upper plate fell, I jumped after it,
So, you still don't believe us about the phantom, huh, Kermit?
Listen, Scooter, there are no such things as ghosts, or goblins, or phantoms...
Oh, help! Help, somebody! Help! - Hilda, what is it now?
Kermit, I just saw the most hideous, inhuman face,
For a moment, I thought it was Gonzo,
But that was me,
Well, what are you doing scaring an old lady half to death?
Well, I was hiding from the phantom, - See? See, Kermit?
AII I see are a bunch of Muppets spreading mass hysteria,
Now, there is no such thing as a phantom, That's finaI, Period, End of report,
Uh, K-Kermit? Kermit? - What?
What has a skull-like head,
fiery green eyes and a torn cape?
I don't know, - I don't know either,
but it's right behind you,
Uh, you will notice that I didn't fall for their joke,
And if it isn't a joke - I mean, if there is someone or something behind me -
there is no doubt a logicaI explanation for it,
So I shall now just turn slowly around and see what is going on here,
Uh, pardon me, sir, but is there a logicaI explanation for your presence here?
Apparently, there is no logicaI explanation,
Here is a Muppet news flash,
Dateline, London,
Mrs, Lola Thomas of that city has just finished eating an entire dieseI tractor,
Tell me, Mrs, Thomas, why did you do such a thing?
Well, the doctor told me I had an iron deficiency, you see,
so I started on a couple of doorknobs and the occasionaI typewriter,
But there's nothing really quite like a good bit of dieseI tractor
with your chips and peas, is there?
What an extraordinary feat, I mean, how was it done?
Oh, Medium rare or thereabouts,
Is this lady making a fooI of me?
She didn't make a fooI of him, - No, He managed it all by himself,
Nothing,
Who are you? - I am Uncle Deadly,
Better known as the Phantom of The Muppet Show.
Yes, sir, W-w-w-well, Uncle, uh, Deadly, uh,
Phantom, uh, whatever do you want? I mean, I'm just a... just a frog,
Just a little, harmless, little, helpless, little, harmless, green frog,
I never hurt a fly, Well, maybe I ate a few as a kid, but...
Enough of your horrible little jokes! - Yes, sir,
You Muppets have taken over my theatre,
Yes, sir, - My home,
Years ago, I was a great actor, A star,
In this very theatre, my Hamlet was acclaimed as the greatest ever,
Yes, sir, - And then I played my most difficult role,
Othello,
But opening night, I was killed,
Oh, well, I-I'm very sorry to hear that, Who killed you?
The critics,
Enough, - Yes, sir,
I swore I would never perform here again, nor would anyone else,
No, sir, - I will drive you all from this theatre,
Leave or be doomed!
Which way do I exit?
"Leave or be doomed," I don't think I like those options,
Kermit, Oh, oh, Kermit, we have been looking for you,
It was all a joke,
Yeah, that's right, chief, George was just trying to scare us,
Yeah, he said he found an old mask and cape in the cellar, Can you imagine that?
Yeah, I was just fooling around, There ain't no phantom,
I was just trying to scare everybody,
Well, you certainly did, and if you ever do it again you're out of a job,
You scared me out of about ten years' growth,
and I can't afford to get any smaller,
Leave or be doomed!
Uh... uh, George...
if you're down here, who's that up there?
That must be...
the Phantom of The Muppet Show!
Well, that may have been one of the greatest performances of my career,
Our guest star tonight was born in London,
but all you folks in Enid, Oklahoma, better stand by to hear a souI sister,
Ladies and gentlemen, the down-home sound of the incomparable Twiggy!
# You've got a girI, you love her Sunday Then you've got another on Monday
# That ain't nobody's business but my own
# Sitting by the phone, waiting for your call You're out somewhere having a ball
# That ain't nobody's business but my own
# Nobody's business Nobody's business
# Ain't nobody's business but my own
# Nobody's business Nobody's business
# Ain't nobody's business but my own
# All night long you're playing poker Tell me, what's the name of that joker?
# That ain't nobody's business but my own
# I come over, say, "Here I am" And then I hear the back door slam
# That ain't nobody's business but my own
# Nobody's business Nobody's business
# Ain't nobody's business but my own
# Nobody's business Nobody's business
# Ain't nobody's business but my own
# Say, you wear the prettiest ties and collars
# Tell me, where do you get the dollars?
# That ain't nobody's business but my own
# You always talk about settling down When I bring the ring, you're not around
# Well, I'll be there the next time that you call
- # So let's not fuss and let's not fight - # I'm sick and tired of saying good night
# Let's make up and hold each other tight
# Love each other in all kinds of weather Let's go into business together
# We could start a business of our own
# Nobody's business Nobody's business
# Ain't nobody's business but our own
# Nobody's business Nobody's business
# Ain't nobody's business but our own
OK, that about does it for another week,
but I do wanna give an extra speciaI warm thank-you
to our lovely and charming guest star,
Oh, thank you so much,
No, no, no, I mean Twiggy, Twiggy!
I really had a lovely time, Kermit, I even liked him,
Hey, you like him, you can have him, - Oh, Well, not that much,
I didn't think so, Hey, we'll see you all next time on The Muppet Show!
Well, every week this show looks better to me,
Every week your eyesight gets worse,