It's The Muppet Show, with our very speciaI guest star, Miss EtheI Merman!
# It's time to play the music
# It's time to light the lights
# It's time to meet the Muppets on The Muppet Show tonight
# It's time to put on makeup
# It's time to dress up right
# It's time to raise the curtain on The Muppet Show tonight
Hey, I went to a diet doctor,
and in just two months I lost $300,
What...?
# To introduce our guest star
# That's what I'm here to do
# So it really makes me happy
# To introduce to you
Miss EtheI Merman!
# But now let's get things started on the most sensationaI, inspirationaI
# CelebrationaI, MuppetationaI
# This is what we call
# The Muppet Show
Thank you, thank you, thank you,
Welcome, dear friends, to another edition of The Muppet Show.
And we're very honored to have as our speciaI guest star
one of the true giants of the Broadway musicaI stage, Miss EtheI Merman,
Oh, Kermit, my love, Since EtheI Merman is our guest,
as a tribute I plan to sing a medley of all her great hits,
Uh, Piggy, why would anyone wanna hear you sing Miss Merman's songs
when Miss Merman is here to sing them herself?
Well, since I've rehearsed them,
why don't I just do 'em and call it a tribute to Irving Berlin?
Piggy, will you get outta here? Out, out, out, out, out!
OK, Having settled that, let's kick off the show with a little number we call "Java,"
That song had a nice beat,
No, no, I don't want to eat,
I said "beat," "Beat," you old fooI, Why don't you turn up your hearing aid?
There's gonna be a raid? Well, let's get outta here!
I give up,
OK, Nice, Nice number, you guys, Good opening,
Kermit, Kermit, Kermit, Hey,
My agent is dropping by a little later in the show,
OK, fine, - Yeah,
Hey, stand by for the next number, - Everything's ready, boss,
Good boy, Scooter, That kid's doing a great job,
Hey, d-do you think you'd have time to talk to him?
Of course, I always have time to talk to Scooter, His uncle owns the theater,
No, no, no, no, no, I mean my-my agent,
What does he own? - Ten percent of me,
OK, OK, What does he want to talk about?
My contract, - Fozzie, you don't have a contract,
That's what he wants to talk about,
Will you get outta here? - Yes, sir, Yes, sir,
Ladies and gentlemen, ordinarily I just introduce the guest star
and get out of the way, but tonight I personally get to participate,
You see, everybody wanted to sing a duet with EtheI Merman,
and because she's introduced so many Broadway hits,
we thought that some of us could do a few of them,
or a few of us could do some of them,
Anyhow, I now take great pleasure in introducing Miss EtheI Merman,
and some of her songs, and some of us, and me,
Better hurry,
Oh, Ladies and gentlemen, Miss EtheI Merman!
# You're the top
# You're the Colosseum
# You're the top
# You're the Louvre Museum
# You're a melody of a symphony by Strauss
# You're a BendeI bonnet, a Shakespeare sonnet
# You're Mickey Mouse
Is that... is that a compliment? - You called me a colosseum,
Sorry about that, - # If you're ever in a jam
# Here I am
# If you're ever in a mess
# SOS
# If you ever feeI so happy you land in jaiI, I'm your baiI
# It's friendship, friendship
# Just a perfect blendship
# When other friendships have been forgot
# Ours will still be hot
# La-da, la-da, la-da, dig, dig, dig
# The night is young, the skies are clear
# And if you want to go walking, dear
# It's delightfuI, it's delicious
# It's de-lovely
# I understand the reason why
# You're sentimentaI, 'cause so am I
- # It's delightfuI - # It's delicious
# It's de-lovely
# Wherever we go
# Whatever we do
# We're gonna go through it together
# I hear singing and there's no one there
You would,
# Anything you can do, I can do better
# I can do anything better than you
- # No, you can't - # Yes, I can
- # No, you can't - # Yes, I can, yes, I can
# Anything you can be, I can be greater
# Sooner or later I'm greater than you
- # No, you're not - # Yes, I am
- # No, you're not - # Yes, I am, yes, I am
# I could be a racer, quite a steeplechaser
# I can jump a hurdle even with my girdle
- # I can do most anything - # Can you bake a pie?
- # No - # Neither can I
# Any note you can reach, I can go higher
# I can sing anything higher than you
- # No, you can't - # Yes, I can
# No, you can't
# Yes, I can
Oh, yes, you can,
# We belong to a mutuaI
- # Admiration society - Miss Merman and me,
# We belong to a mutuaI
# Admiration society
Yeah, WonderfuI, wonderfuI!
I remember EtheI Merman in the opening of Panama Hattie.
You're old enough to remember Teddy Roosevelt
and the opening of the Panama CanaI,
Hey, Kermit, Kermit, Kermit, Remember I told you my agent was coming?
Yeah, - Well, he is here,
Where? - Uh, here,
He's a little short, Kermit,
He certainly is,
He's very sensitive, so no short jokes, OK?
OK, I'm sorry, Just introduce us, - OK,
Uh...
Kermit, this is Irving Bizarre, my agent,
Eh, hiya, Kermit, How are you doing, sweetie?
This is an agent? Where's your office, Irving? In your hat?
Ha ha, Very funny, Very funny,
Hey, who else do you handle? Rich Little?
Tiny Tim?
I wouldn't handle you, I'd get warts,
Warts? What kind of talk is that? Will you get out?
Take this guy and get outta here, Fozzie,
I don't think this negotiation is going too well,
Hey, don't worry, sweetie, Fozzie,
We got him right where we want him, - Yeah, Yeah,
Oh, Hilda, - Yes, Miss Merman,
I don't wish to complain, but there's a mouse in my dressing room,
Oh, yes, We'll move her tomorrow,
But for now it's the only place she has to change,
Change? - Yes, She sings in the band,
Is this a show or a zoo? - Hiya, honey,
It's a zoo,
Perfect pitch,
What do you take in your tea? - Oh, milk, two sugars, one mouse...
One what? - Mouse,
Take a look,
# Oh, I may be your dish of tea
# But, baby, don't you sugar me
# Don't stir me, boy
# Or try to spoon
# Don't sugar me
# 'Cause us is throon
# Oh, I won't sip a lip with you
# Less you want a granulated lump or two
# Just roll them eyes
# Right out the door
# Them saucer eyes
# Ain't square no more
# Now all them things, them diamond rings
# Them stuff you promised me
# Were figments, Newton
# Sure as shootin'
# Shootin' sure as A, B...
# See, the teapot spouts that the kettle's blue
# It don't work out, that spout is true
# Just boiI away, boy
# Don't sit and brew
# Don't sugar me
# 'Cause us is through
Well, Miss Merman, I'm kind of at a loss for words,
I mean, for me, a frog, to be sitting here with one of the greatest performers
ever to grace the American musicaI stage - a legend...
Oh, relax, Kermit,
Relax,
And you can call me EtheI, - Huh?
But I'd like you to take it easy on that "legend" and "the greatest" stuff,
Sounds like a eulogy, After all, I'm not quite ready to go yet,
No, no, no, no, no, I... I didn't mean it like that,
Well, I-I mean, I admit that I've been around for quite a while,
but there are some things on this show that are older than I,
Like Fozzie's jokes, - You're right there,
It just seems that you've always been a part of the Broadway musicaI scene,
I remember the opening night of Gypsy, you know?
Kermit, you were at the opening night of Gypsy?
Sure,
Come to think of it, I did hear some croaking in the audience,
Excuse me, Miss Merman, I do not wish to intrude, but I too am a singer of note,
What note? - Who knows? It's always flat,
Watch it, flipper face,
As a sister singer, I gratefully admire your talent,
and so I would like to propose a toast in your honor,
Oh, how nice of you, Miss Piggy, - Mm-hm,
To EtheI Merman, a great woman and a great singer
whom we can all learn something from, Got any tips?
All that for one free singing lesson? - Well...
Now, look, Miss Piggy, Let's face it,
You either got it, or you ain't, - Mm-hm,
And all the singing lessons in the world ain't gonna help you if you ain't got it,
Now, let's hear you hit that high note of yours again,
# Ah
Well, it shows promise, - See, Kermit?
But it... it's a bit subtle,
Now, this is the way I would do it,
# Ah
Did you also make some recordings as an air-raid siren during the war?
Kermit, - Wah!
Ah, she and Kermit make a nice pair,
Well, she certainly is a peach,
We on The Muppet Show are very interested in puppets,
for some strange reason,
Anyway, tonight we're really delighted to have with us a man
who produces the world's funniest shadows,
Here he is from Australia - our guest puppeteer, Mr, Richard Bradshaw!
More! More! - Hey, wait, Look, there is more,
Oh, good grief, They heard me,
Hey, come on, Kermit, The kid's worth twice the price,
Yeah, well, I don't know... - Oh, Kermit, my love, My...
What is that?
Well, this is Fozzie's agent, Irving Bizarre, We're negotiating a contract,
Hey, how you doing, baby, kiddo, sweetheart?
Not bad-looking for a pig, Want me to handle you?
I already have an agent, Shortstuff,
I don't wanna be your agent, I just wanna handle you,
Well, handle this, Hiiii-yah!
Right now it's time to present a comic who, even as I speak,
is in danger of negotiating himself right out of work,
Ladies and gentlemen, the funniest bear since Maxie, Mr, Fozzie Bear!
Oh, boy, oh, boy, oh, boy, Yes, yes, yes,
Oh, I get a feeling you're a great bunch, not like the audience we had last week,
They weren't an audience, they were a jury, Ha ha,
Ha ha ha,
The bear's funny, huh? He's... he's my cousin,
Wanna leave a wake-up call?
Uh, if you don't mind, cousin, I will do the jokes,
Let him roll, He's funnier than you,
Can you guys hold it down up there?
Uh, you don't want them interrupting my act, right?
No, I don't want 'em interrupting our sleep,
Hey, bring on the comic!
I am the comic, - Then bring on the girls!
This is not that kind of show,
Then bring on the girI comic!
Now, listen, I am not gonna be heckled by some clown who just came off the street,
I-I'm a pro, buddy, A reaI pro,
Look, OK, I tell you what, Everybody, I am gonna turn my back,
and when I turn around again, I only wanna see reaI Fozzie Bear fans in the audience,
OK? Here we go,
OK, I'm gonna turn around...
now!
Even my cousin?
Ohh! It's a crueI world,
Hey, hey, How come you two guys are still there, huh?
Did you lose your bed at the old fools' home?
Ah, it's too late,
All right, Kermit, my client won't work unless you give him twice as much money,
Uh, yeah, I just saw how he handled that audience,
But to show you what a good guy I am, I'll give him three times as much,
We won't settle for less than four times as much,
Uh, how about a compromise? Five times as much money,
Six times as much, - Don't push it, Irv,
Uh, seven times as much, - Eight times,
This is my finaI offer, Ten times as much as he's making now,
You got a deaI, - Good,
Oh, Irv!
Irv!
Congratulations, kid, You're making ten times as much money,
Yeah, yeah, and I... and I used to make nothing!
Right, And... and ten times nothing is...
Nothing,
Yeah, right, And don't forget, I get ten percent of that,
You're worth every penny, Irv,
Could you give me a hand down, kid?
Hey, Fozzie,
Yeah,
Listen, Fozzie, Don't be discouraged,
Even if you don't make a lot of money, you're doing what you love to do,
Just look around you,
The costumes, the scenery, the makeup, the props,
# The audience that lifts you when you're down
# The headaches, the heartaches, the backaches, the flops
# The sheriff who escorts you out of town
# The opening when your heart beats like a drum
# The closing
# When the customers don't come
I've said this before,
# But there's no business
# Like show business
# Like no business I know
# Everything about it is appealing
# Everything the traffic will allow
# Nowhere could you get that happy feeling
# When you are stealing
# That extra bow
# There's no people
# Like show people
# They smile
# When they are low
# Yesterday they told you you would not go far
# That night you open
# And there you are
# Next day on your dressing room
# They've hung a star
# Let's go
# On with our show
# There's no business like show business
# Like no business I know
# Everything about it is appealing
# Everything the traffic will allow
# Nowhere could you get that happy feeling
# When you are stealing
# That extra bow
# There's no people like show people
# They smile when they are low
# Even with a turkey that you know will fold
# You may be stranded out in the cold
# But still you wouldn't change it for a sack of gold
# Let's go on with our show
# Let's go
# On with our
# Show
Well, another half-hour has flown by,
made most enjoyable by our very speciaI guest star, Miss EtheI Merman!
Oh, thank you, Kermit,
This has been the most fun I've had in a long, long time,
You know, you really don't have to be crazy to do this show,
But it helps,
Miss Merman, from all of us to you,
Oh, how kind of you, Miss Piggy,
They won't explode, will they?
No, no, of course not, ReaI roses for a reaI lady, Thank you for joining us,
and you too out there, we'll see you all next time on The Muppet Show.
I wonder why I'm so itchy,
Maybe the show's starting to get under your skin,