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It's The Muppet Show, with our very
speciaI guest star, Miss EtheI Merman!

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# It's time to play the music

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# It's time to light the lights

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# It's time to meet the Muppets
on The Muppet Show tonight

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# It's time to put on makeup

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# It's time to dress up right

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# It's time to raise the curtain
on The Muppet Show tonight

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Hey, I went to a diet doctor,

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and in just two months I lost $300,

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What...?

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# To introduce our guest star

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# That's what I'm here to do

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# So it really makes me happy

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# To introduce to you

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Miss EtheI Merman!

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# But now let's get things started
on the most sensationaI, inspirationaI

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# CelebrationaI, MuppetationaI

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# This is what we call

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# The Muppet Show

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Thank you, thank you, thank you,

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Welcome, dear friends, to another
edition of The Muppet Show.

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And we're very honored to
have as our speciaI guest star

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one of the true giants of the Broadway
musicaI stage, Miss EtheI Merman,

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Oh, Kermit, my love, Since
EtheI Merman is our guest,

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as a tribute I plan to sing a
medley of all her great hits,

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Uh, Piggy, why would anyone wanna
hear you sing Miss Merman's songs

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when Miss Merman is here
to sing them herself?

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Well, since I've rehearsed them,

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why don't I just do 'em and call
it a tribute to Irving Berlin?

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Piggy, will you get outta
here? Out, out, out, out, out!

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OK, Having settled that, let's kick off the
show with a little number we call "Java,"

32
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That song had a nice beat,

33
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No, no, I don't want to eat,

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I said "beat," "Beat," you old fooI,
Why don't you turn up your hearing aid?

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There's gonna be a raid?
Well, let's get outta here!

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I give up,

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OK, Nice, Nice number,
you guys, Good opening,

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Kermit, Kermit, Kermit, Hey,

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My agent is dropping by a
little later in the show,

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OK, fine,
- Yeah,

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Hey, stand by for the next number,
- Everything's ready, boss,

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Good boy, Scooter, That
kid's doing a great job,

43
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Hey, d-do you think you'd
have time to talk to him?

44
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Of course, I always have time to talk
to Scooter, His uncle owns the theater,

45
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No, no, no, no, no,
I mean my-my agent,

46
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What does he own?
- Ten percent of me,

47
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OK, OK, What does he
want to talk about?

48
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My contract,
- Fozzie, you don't have a contract,

49
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That's what he wants to talk about,

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Will you get outta here?
- Yes, sir, Yes, sir,

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Ladies and gentlemen, ordinarily
I just introduce the guest star

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and get out of the way, but tonight
I personally get to participate,

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You see, everybody wanted to
sing a duet with EtheI Merman,

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and because she's introduced
so many Broadway hits,

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we thought that some of
us could do a few of them,

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or a few of us could do some of them,

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Anyhow, I now take great pleasure
in introducing Miss EtheI Merman,

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and some of her songs,
and some of us, and me,

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Better hurry,

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Oh, Ladies and gentlemen,
Miss EtheI Merman!

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# You're the top

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# You're the Colosseum

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# You're the top

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# You're the Louvre Museum

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# You're a melody of
a symphony by Strauss

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# You're a BendeI bonnet,
a Shakespeare sonnet

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# You're Mickey Mouse

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Is that... is that a compliment?
- You called me a colosseum,

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Sorry about that,
- # If you're ever in a jam

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# Here I am

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# If you're ever in a mess

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# SOS

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# If you ever feeI so happy
you land in jaiI, I'm your baiI

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# It's friendship, friendship

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# Just a perfect blendship

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# When other friendships
have been forgot

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# Ours will still be hot

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# La-da, la-da,
la-da, dig, dig, dig

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# The night is young,
the skies are clear

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# And if you want to go walking, dear

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# It's delightfuI, it's delicious

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# It's de-lovely

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# I understand the reason why

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# You're sentimentaI, 'cause so am I

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- # It's delightfuI
- # It's delicious

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# It's de-lovely

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# Wherever we go

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# Whatever we do

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# We're gonna go through it together

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# I hear singing and
there's no one there

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You would,

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# Anything you can do, I can do better

93
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# I can do anything better than you

94
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- # No, you can't
- # Yes, I can

95
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- # No, you can't
- # Yes, I can

96
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- # No, you can't
- # Yes, I can, yes, I can

97
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# Anything you can
be, I can be greater

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# Sooner or later I'm greater than you

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- # No, you're not
- # Yes, I am

100
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- # No, you're not
- # Yes, I am

101
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- # No, you're not
- # Yes, I am, yes, I am

102
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# I could be a racer,
quite a steeplechaser

103
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# I can jump a hurdle
even with my girdle

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- # I can do most anything
- # Can you bake a pie?

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- # No
- # Neither can I

106
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# Any note you can
reach, I can go higher

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# I can sing anything higher than you

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- # No, you can't
- # Yes, I can

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- # No, you can't
- # Yes, I can

110
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- # No, you can't
- # Yes, I can

111
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# No, you can't

112
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# Yes, I can

113
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Oh, yes, you can,

114
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# We belong to a mutuaI

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- # Admiration society
- Miss Merman and me,

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# We belong to a mutuaI

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# Admiration society

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Yeah, WonderfuI, wonderfuI!

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I remember EtheI Merman in
the opening of Panama Hattie.

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You're old enough to
remember Teddy Roosevelt

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and the opening of the Panama CanaI,

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Hey, Kermit, Kermit, Kermit, Remember
I told you my agent was coming?

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Yeah,
- Well, he is here,

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Where?
- Uh, here,

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He's a little short, Kermit,

126
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He certainly is,

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He's very sensitive,
so no short jokes, OK?

128
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OK, I'm sorry, Just introduce us,
- OK,

129
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Uh...

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Kermit, this is Irving
Bizarre, my agent,

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Eh, hiya, Kermit, How
are you doing, sweetie?

132
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This is an agent? Where's your
office, Irving? In your hat?

133
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Ha ha, Very funny, Very funny,

134
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Hey, who else do you
handle? Rich Little?

135
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Tiny Tim?

136
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I wouldn't handle you, I'd get warts,

137
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Warts? What kind of talk
is that? Will you get out?

138
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Take this guy and get
outta here, Fozzie,

139
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I don't think this
negotiation is going too well,

140
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Hey, don't worry, sweetie, Fozzie,

141
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We got him right where we want him,
- Yeah, Yeah,

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Oh, Hilda,
- Yes, Miss Merman,

143
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I don't wish to complain, but
there's a mouse in my dressing room,

144
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Oh, yes, We'll move her tomorrow,

145
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But for now it's the only
place she has to change,

146
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Change?
- Yes, She sings in the band,

147
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Is this a show or a zoo?
- Hiya, honey,

148
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It's a zoo,

149
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Perfect pitch,

150
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What do you take in your tea?
- Oh, milk, two sugars, one mouse...

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One what?
- Mouse,

152
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Take a look,

153
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# Oh, I may be your dish of tea

154
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# But, baby, don't you sugar me

155
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# Don't stir me, boy

156
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# Or try to spoon

157
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# Don't sugar me

158
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# 'Cause us is throon

159
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# Oh, I won't sip a lip with you

160
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# Less you want a
granulated lump or two

161
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# Just roll them eyes

162
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# Right out the door

163
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# Them saucer eyes

164
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# Ain't square no more

165
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# Now all them things,
them diamond rings

166
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# Them stuff you promised me

167
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# Were figments, Newton

168
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# Sure as shootin'

169
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# Shootin' sure as A, B...

170
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# See, the teapot spouts
that the kettle's blue

171
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# It don't work out,
that spout is true

172
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# Just boiI away, boy

173
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# Don't sit and brew

174
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# Don't sugar me

175
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# 'Cause us is through

176
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Well, Miss Merman, I'm
kind of at a loss for words,

177
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I mean, for me, a frog, to be sitting
here with one of the greatest performers

178
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ever to grace the American musicaI stage
- a legend...

179
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Oh, relax, Kermit,

180
00:12:24,791 --> 00:12:25,951
Relax,

181
00:12:26,025 --> 00:12:28,118
And you can call me EtheI,
- Huh?

182
00:12:28,194 --> 00:12:32,654
But I'd like you to take it easy on that
"legend" and "the greatest" stuff,

183
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Sounds like a eulogy, After all,
I'm not quite ready to go yet,

184
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No, no, no, no, no, I...
I didn't mean it like that,

185
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Well, I-I mean, I admit that I've
been around for quite a while,

186
00:12:44,043 --> 00:12:48,275
but there are some things on
this show that are older than I,

187
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Like Fozzie's jokes,
- You're right there,

188
00:12:52,785 --> 00:12:55,982
It just seems that you've always been
a part of the Broadway musicaI scene,

189
00:12:56,055 --> 00:12:59,115
I remember the opening
night of Gypsy, you know?

190
00:12:59,192 --> 00:13:01,752
Kermit, you were at the
opening night of Gypsy?

191
00:13:01,828 --> 00:13:03,796
Sure,

192
00:13:03,863 --> 00:13:07,560
Come to think of it, I did hear
some croaking in the audience,

193
00:13:09,135 --> 00:13:15,597
Excuse me, Miss Merman, I do not wish to
intrude, but I too am a singer of note,

194
00:13:15,675 --> 00:13:19,611
What note?
- Who knows? It's always flat,

195
00:13:19,679 --> 00:13:22,204
Watch it, flipper face,

196
00:13:22,281 --> 00:13:25,682
As a sister singer, I
gratefully admire your talent,

197
00:13:25,751 --> 00:13:29,380
and so I would like to
propose a toast in your honor,

198
00:13:29,455 --> 00:13:32,515
Oh, how nice of you,
Miss Piggy, - Mm-hm,

199
00:13:32,592 --> 00:13:36,995
To EtheI Merman, a great
woman and a great singer

200
00:13:37,063 --> 00:13:41,625
whom we can all learn
something from, Got any tips?

201
00:13:41,701 --> 00:13:44,397
All that for one free singing lesson?
- Well...

202
00:13:44,470 --> 00:13:47,200
Now, look, Miss Piggy, Let's face it,

203
00:13:47,273 --> 00:13:49,867
You either got it,
or you ain't, - Mm-hm,

204
00:13:49,942 --> 00:13:54,902
And all the singing lessons in the world
ain't gonna help you if you ain't got it,

205
00:13:54,981 --> 00:13:57,449
Now, let's hear you hit that
high note of yours again,

206
00:13:59,018 --> 00:14:02,010
# Ah

207
00:14:02,088 --> 00:14:05,649
Well, it shows promise,
- See, Kermit?

208
00:14:05,725 --> 00:14:07,886
But it... it's a bit subtle,

209
00:14:07,960 --> 00:14:10,588
Now, this is the way I would do it,

210
00:14:10,663 --> 00:14:12,756
# Ah

211
00:14:18,538 --> 00:14:23,373
Did you also make some recordings
as an air-raid siren during the war?

212
00:14:23,442 --> 00:14:25,603
Kermit,
- Wah!

213
00:14:28,147 --> 00:14:30,707
Ah, she and Kermit make a nice pair,

214
00:14:30,783 --> 00:14:33,479
Well, she certainly is a peach,

215
00:14:36,522 --> 00:14:39,389
We on The Muppet Show are
very interested in puppets,

216
00:14:39,458 --> 00:14:41,153
for some strange reason,

217
00:14:41,227 --> 00:14:43,889
Anyway, tonight we're really
delighted to have with us a man

218
00:14:43,963 --> 00:14:46,659
who produces the
world's funniest shadows,

219
00:14:46,732 --> 00:14:51,999
Here he is from Australia
- our guest puppeteer, Mr, Richard Bradshaw!

220
00:15:48,027 --> 00:15:51,360
More! More!
- Hey, wait, Look, there is more,

221
00:15:51,430 --> 00:15:54,160
Oh, good grief, They heard me,

222
00:17:26,892 --> 00:17:29,884
Hey, come on, Kermit, The
kid's worth twice the price,

223
00:17:29,962 --> 00:17:34,592
Yeah, well, I don't know...
- Oh, Kermit, my love, My...

224
00:17:34,667 --> 00:17:36,362
What is that?

225
00:17:36,435 --> 00:17:41,168
Well, this is Fozzie's agent, Irving
Bizarre, We're negotiating a contract,

226
00:17:41,240 --> 00:17:43,800
Hey, how you doing,
baby, kiddo, sweetheart?

227
00:17:43,876 --> 00:17:47,004
Not bad-looking for a
pig, Want me to handle you?

228
00:17:47,079 --> 00:17:50,378
I already have an agent, Shortstuff,

229
00:17:50,449 --> 00:17:53,316
I don't wanna be your agent,
I just wanna handle you,

230
00:17:54,920 --> 00:17:57,946
Well, handle this, Hiiii-yah!

231
00:18:00,993 --> 00:18:04,429
Right now it's time to present
a comic who, even as I speak,

232
00:18:04,497 --> 00:18:07,398
is in danger of negotiating
himself right out of work,

233
00:18:07,466 --> 00:18:12,369
Ladies and gentlemen, the funniest
bear since Maxie, Mr, Fozzie Bear!

234
00:18:12,438 --> 00:18:14,929
Oh, boy, oh, boy, oh,
boy, Yes, yes, yes,

235
00:18:15,007 --> 00:18:19,808
Oh, I get a feeling you're a great bunch,
not like the audience we had last week,

236
00:18:19,879 --> 00:18:23,975
They weren't an audience,
they were a jury, Ha ha,

237
00:18:24,784 --> 00:18:26,445
Ha ha ha,

238
00:18:26,519 --> 00:18:30,455
The bear's funny, huh?
He's... he's my cousin,

239
00:18:30,523 --> 00:18:32,991
Wanna leave a wake-up call?

240
00:18:33,058 --> 00:18:36,255
Uh, if you don't mind,
cousin, I will do the jokes,

241
00:18:36,328 --> 00:18:39,855
Let him roll, He's funnier than you,

242
00:18:40,399 --> 00:18:42,424
Can you guys hold it down up there?

243
00:18:42,501 --> 00:18:45,368
Uh, you don't want them
interrupting my act, right?

244
00:18:45,438 --> 00:18:48,601
No, I don't want 'em
interrupting our sleep,

245
00:18:48,674 --> 00:18:50,972
Hey, bring on the comic!

246
00:18:51,043 --> 00:18:53,944
I am the comic,
- Then bring on the girls!

247
00:18:54,013 --> 00:18:56,481
This is not that kind of show,

248
00:18:56,549 --> 00:18:58,983
Then bring on the girI comic!

249
00:19:00,219 --> 00:19:04,918
Now, listen, I am not gonna be heckled by
some clown who just came off the street,

250
00:19:04,990 --> 00:19:08,255
I-I'm a pro, buddy, A reaI pro,

251
00:19:08,327 --> 00:19:12,229
Look, OK, I tell you what,
Everybody, I am gonna turn my back,

252
00:19:12,298 --> 00:19:18,294
and when I turn around again, I only wanna
see reaI Fozzie Bear fans in the audience,

253
00:19:18,370 --> 00:19:20,861
OK? Here we go,

254
00:19:25,711 --> 00:19:27,736
OK, I'm gonna turn around...

255
00:19:27,813 --> 00:19:29,804
now!

256
00:19:37,756 --> 00:19:40,247
Even my cousin?

257
00:19:40,326 --> 00:19:43,489
Ohh! It's a crueI world,

258
00:19:43,562 --> 00:19:46,360
Hey, hey, How come you two
guys are still there, huh?

259
00:19:46,432 --> 00:19:50,163
Did you lose your bed
at the old fools' home?

260
00:19:53,138 --> 00:19:55,299
Ah, it's too late,

261
00:19:58,544 --> 00:20:03,311
All right, Kermit, my client won't work
unless you give him twice as much money,

262
00:20:03,382 --> 00:20:05,976
Uh, yeah, I just saw how
he handled that audience,

263
00:20:06,051 --> 00:20:09,452
But to show you what a good guy I
am, I'll give him three times as much,

264
00:20:09,522 --> 00:20:12,423
We won't settle for less
than four times as much,

265
00:20:12,491 --> 00:20:15,654
Uh, how about a compromise?
Five times as much money,

266
00:20:15,728 --> 00:20:18,629
Six times as much,
- Don't push it, Irv,

267
00:20:18,697 --> 00:20:21,165
Uh, seven times as much,
- Eight times,

268
00:20:21,233 --> 00:20:25,101
This is my finaI offer, Ten
times as much as he's making now,

269
00:20:25,170 --> 00:20:27,502
You got a deaI,
- Good,

270
00:20:27,573 --> 00:20:29,200
Oh, Irv!

271
00:20:29,275 --> 00:20:30,708
Irv!

272
00:20:30,776 --> 00:20:34,610
Congratulations, kid, You're
making ten times as much money,

273
00:20:34,680 --> 00:20:37,376
Yeah, yeah, and I... and
I used to make nothing!

274
00:20:37,449 --> 00:20:41,579
Right, And... and ten
times nothing is...

275
00:20:43,222 --> 00:20:45,281
Nothing,

276
00:20:45,357 --> 00:20:49,293
Yeah, right, And don't forget,
I get ten percent of that,

277
00:20:49,361 --> 00:20:52,558
You're worth every penny, Irv,

278
00:20:52,631 --> 00:20:55,532
Could you give me a hand down, kid?

279
00:20:56,735 --> 00:20:58,896
Hey, Fozzie,

280
00:21:00,873 --> 00:21:02,033
Yeah,

281
00:21:02,107 --> 00:21:05,736
Listen, Fozzie, Don't be discouraged,

282
00:21:05,811 --> 00:21:10,976
Even if you don't make a lot of money,
you're doing what you love to do,

283
00:21:11,050 --> 00:21:13,348
Just look around you,

284
00:21:13,419 --> 00:21:17,947
The costumes, the scenery,
the makeup, the props,

285
00:21:18,023 --> 00:21:22,619
# The audience that
lifts you when you're down

286
00:21:22,695 --> 00:21:27,132
# The headaches, the heartaches,
the backaches, the flops

287
00:21:27,199 --> 00:21:32,262
# The sheriff who
escorts you out of town

288
00:21:32,338 --> 00:21:37,970
# The opening when your
heart beats like a drum

289
00:21:38,043 --> 00:21:40,341
# The closing

290
00:21:40,412 --> 00:21:46,248
# When the customers don't come

291
00:21:46,318 --> 00:21:48,548
I've said this before,

292
00:21:48,621 --> 00:21:51,146
# But there's no business

293
00:21:51,223 --> 00:21:53,885
# Like show business

294
00:21:53,959 --> 00:21:59,397
# Like no business I know

295
00:21:59,465 --> 00:22:03,993
# Everything about it is appealing

296
00:22:04,069 --> 00:22:08,335
# Everything the traffic will allow

297
00:22:08,407 --> 00:22:12,138
# Nowhere could you
get that happy feeling

298
00:22:12,211 --> 00:22:15,146
# When you are stealing

299
00:22:15,214 --> 00:22:18,149
# That extra bow

300
00:22:18,217 --> 00:22:20,310
# There's no people

301
00:22:20,386 --> 00:22:22,854
# Like show people

302
00:22:22,921 --> 00:22:25,014
# They smile

303
00:22:25,090 --> 00:22:28,287
# When they are low

304
00:22:28,360 --> 00:22:33,059
# Yesterday they told
you you would not go far

305
00:22:33,132 --> 00:22:36,124
# That night you open

306
00:22:36,201 --> 00:22:39,898
# And there you are

307
00:22:39,972 --> 00:22:42,406
# Next day on your dressing room

308
00:22:42,474 --> 00:22:46,103
# They've hung a star

309
00:22:46,178 --> 00:22:48,408
# Let's go

310
00:22:48,480 --> 00:22:53,474
# On with our show

311
00:22:58,791 --> 00:23:03,057
# There's no business
like show business

312
00:23:03,128 --> 00:23:06,655
# Like no business I know

313
00:23:07,099 --> 00:23:10,933
# Everything about it is appealing

314
00:23:11,003 --> 00:23:14,734
# Everything the traffic will allow

315
00:23:14,807 --> 00:23:18,038
# Nowhere could you
get that happy feeling

316
00:23:18,110 --> 00:23:20,044
# When you are stealing

317
00:23:20,112 --> 00:23:22,103
# That extra bow

318
00:23:22,181 --> 00:23:25,981
# There's no people like show people

319
00:23:26,051 --> 00:23:30,420
# They smile when they are low

320
00:23:30,489 --> 00:23:34,050
# Even with a turkey
that you know will fold

321
00:23:34,126 --> 00:23:37,857
# You may be stranded out in the cold

322
00:23:37,930 --> 00:23:41,593
# But still you wouldn't
change it for a sack of gold

323
00:23:41,667 --> 00:23:47,606
# Let's go on with our show

324
00:23:47,673 --> 00:23:50,767
# Let's go

325
00:23:50,843 --> 00:23:54,609
# On with our

326
00:23:54,680 --> 00:24:02,348
# Show

327
00:24:10,295 --> 00:24:12,490
Well, another half-hour has flown by,

328
00:24:12,564 --> 00:24:18,764
made most enjoyable by our very
speciaI guest star, Miss EtheI Merman!

329
00:24:18,837 --> 00:24:20,737
Oh, thank you, Kermit,

330
00:24:20,806 --> 00:24:24,264
This has been the most fun
I've had in a long, long time,

331
00:24:24,343 --> 00:24:27,369
You know, you really don't have
to be crazy to do this show,

332
00:24:27,446 --> 00:24:29,505
But it helps,

333
00:24:29,581 --> 00:24:33,073
Miss Merman, from all of us to you,

334
00:24:33,152 --> 00:24:36,246
Oh, how kind of you, Miss Piggy,

335
00:24:36,321 --> 00:24:38,949
They won't explode, will they?

336
00:24:39,758 --> 00:24:44,092
No, no, of course not, ReaI roses for
a reaI lady, Thank you for joining us,

337
00:24:44,163 --> 00:24:47,223
and you too out there, we'll see
you all next time on The Muppet Show.

338
00:25:24,303 --> 00:25:26,100
I wonder why I'm so itchy,

339
00:25:26,171 --> 00:25:29,368
Maybe the show's starting
to get under your skin,