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It's The Muppet Show, with our
speciaI guest star Miss Kaye Ballard,

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# It's time to play the music

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# It's time to light the lights

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# It's time to meet the Muppets
on The Muppet Show tonight

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# It's time to put on makeup

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# It's time to dress up right

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# It's time to raise the curtain
on The Muppet Show tonight

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Hey! Have you heard the
one about this very fat pig?

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Have you heard the one
about this very flat bear?

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Hii-yah!

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# To introduce our guest star

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# That's what I'm here to do

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# So it really makes me happy

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# To introduce to you

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Miss Kaye Ballard,

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# But now let's get things started
on the most sensationaI, inspirationaI

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# CelebrationaI, MuppetationaI

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# This is what we call

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# The Muppet Show

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Not bad,

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Whoop!

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Thank you, thank you, And
welcome again to The Muppet Show.

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And our speciaI guest star tonight is one
of the funniest ladies in the business,

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and one of the nicest,
Miss Kaye Ballard,

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So we think it's gonna
be a great show tonight,

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And if you stick around,
we think you'll agree,

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But right now, let's get things
moving on The Muppet Show.

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One, two, three,

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# In the summertime when all
the trees and leaves are green

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# And the redbird sings I'll be blue

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# 'Cause you don't want my love

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# "Some other time" that's
what you say when I want you

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# Then you laugh at me and make me cry

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# 'Cause you don't want my love

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# You don't seem to care a thing
about me You'd rather live without me

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# Than to have my arms around you when
the nights are cold and you're so all alone

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# Ging gong de-gong gong ging
ga-ding ga-ding ga-ding ga-ding dong

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# In the summertime when all
the trees and leaves are green

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# And the redbird sings I'll be blue

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# 'Cause you don't want my love

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# Duh duh duh diggle diggle
ding dong ding dong ding

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# Diggle diggle diggle dong ding dong

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# Ring a ding a ding bah
bing bam bing ba bing bam

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# Once upon a time you
used to smile and wave to me

45
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# And walk with me but now you don't

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# 'Cause you don't want my love

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# Some other guy's
taking up all your time

48
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# Now you don't have time for me

49
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# 'Cause you don't want my love

50
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# You don't seem to care a thing
about me You'd rather live without me

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# Than to have my arms around you when
the nights are cold and you're so all alone

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# Ghee ghee goh-ghee-ghee
ghee ga-ga-ghee-ghee

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# In the summertime when all
the trees and leaves are green

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# And the redbird sings I'll be blue

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# 'Cause you don't want my love

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# Duh duh duh diddle
diddle ding diddle dong ding

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# Diddle diddle dong ding dong ding

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# Ring a ding a ding
ba bing bong bing bong

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# Diddle diddle bing bang bong

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Encore! Encore!

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Not so loud, They may hear you,

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Hey, Kermit, So long, man,

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Hey, b-but, Floyd, the show is on,
You should be in the orchestra pit,

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Sorry, man, I'm ankling,
- Ankling?

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Yeah, ankling, You know,
leaving, I've come to the coda,

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I'm using the door marked "Exit,"

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Like a banana in the presence
of ice cream, I intend to split,

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B-but, Floyd, you
can't just leave us,

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Listen, Kermit, you're a nice little
dude in your own amphibian way,

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but I just can't take it anymore,
- But what's the matter?

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It's the theme song,
- The theme?

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Kermit, you are talking to Floyd
Pepper, the hippest of the hip,

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I mean, I have a room for life at
the Home for the Chronically Groovy,

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And every week I have to come in
here and play...

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Nice,

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It's embarrassingly square,

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And I don't play square,

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Yeah, but, Floyd, none of the
other musicians have complained,

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Drag city,
- Yeah, we're gonna beat feet,

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Hey, AnimaI, you like
the theme, don't you?

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Yeah, yeah!

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No, no,
- No, no,

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Uncopacetic,

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Hey, but wait a minute, Floyd, What
about Kaye Ballard's big number?

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Hey, wait a minute, wait
a minute, The dude's right,

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Yeah, we can't walk out
on Kaye Ballard's number,

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Good,

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We'll walk out after
Kaye Ballard's number,

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Phew, A stay of execution, I
must remember to thank the warden,

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Whoop,

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Right now, gang, it's
time to meet a star

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who knows her way around a song
like I know my way around a lily pad,

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Miss Kaye Ballard,

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What Would You Say?")

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# Have I a hope or half a chance

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# To even ask if I
could dance with you?

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Yoo-hoo,

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# Would you greet me
or politely turn away?

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Oh, Kaye,

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# Would there suddenly be sunshine

101
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# On a cold and rainy day?

102
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# Oh, babe

103
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# What would you say?

104
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# Well, there you are, sweet lollipop

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# Yes, here I am
with such a lot to say

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Hey, hey,

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# Just to walk with
you along the Milky Way

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# To caress you through the nighttime

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# Bring you flowers every day

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# Oh, babe

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# What would you say?

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I'm so sorry,

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# Yes, oh, baby I know

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# I know I could be so in love

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# With you

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# And I know that I
could make you love me too

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# And if I could only
hear you say you do

118
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# But anyway

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# What would you say?

120
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# And I know that I
could make you love me too

121
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# And if I could only
hear you say you do

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# But anyway

123
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# What would you say?

124
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# What would you say?

125
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# What would you say?

126
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I could watch Kaye Ballard all night,

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Mm, I tried it once, but she
pulled the shade down,

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You dirty old man,

129
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OK, green stuff, me and the guys
stayed through the Kaye Ballard number,

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and now, before it's time for that
awfuI theme song, we're leaving,

131
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But w-wait a minute, Hey,
Kaye's got another number,

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Oh, yeah? Well, maybe
we'll stay for that,

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Oh, good, Listen, I'm asking you,

134
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just stay through to the end of
the show so you can play the theme,

135
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That does it, We're leaving, -
But... W-wait a minute, wait a minute,

136
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Listen, If you do it, next
week we'll have a new theme,

137
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Oh, yeah? Well, maybe
we'll stay, then,

138
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Good, because your noble
conductor, NigeI here,

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has offered to write a new theme,

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We're leaving,
- B-but why?

141
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He wrote the first one, man,

142
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Hey, but, guys, come
on! Please, Listen,

143
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I always thought it
was kind of a hip tune,

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Here's a Muppet news flash,
Dateline, Boston, Massachusetts,

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Mrs, Gretchen Powers of that city is
trying to enter the Guinness Book of Records

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by completing the
world's longest sentence,

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She began talking six weeks ago and
neighbors say she hasn't stopped since,

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Our Muppet cameras are in
her home now, Mrs, Powers?

149
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...and the dog fell over the nose of
the tree went into the spaghetti factory

150
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while six million men marched in their
foghorns under a double-decker bus,

151
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whose onion soup spoke of...

152
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Mrs, Powers, if we could
interrupt for a moment,

153
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...but for the grace of the noodle pie
go I, said the spokesman for the group,

154
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who wore a turtleneck
convertible as the rain fell...

155
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The sentence you're saying is long,
but I'm missing the point of it,

156
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...in what was said not the
fault of the blueberry bush,

157
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but instead when the investigators
arrived at the corset factory...

158
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Mrs, Powers' husband CarI said
it makes about as much sense

159
00:10:22,869 --> 00:10:24,700
as anything she's said,

160
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He said this from his home at the
Clinging Vine Home for the Crazed,

161
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...because that is the way it is,
you cannot believe what goes on...

162
00:10:41,921 --> 00:10:47,826
My family has quite a history, You can
find a record of them in the 1 7th century,

163
00:10:47,894 --> 00:10:53,662
So has my family, You can find a
record of them in the 1 9th precinct,

164
00:10:55,168 --> 00:10:57,762
George, why is it that
everything we discuss,

165
00:10:57,837 --> 00:11:01,034
you reduce to the leveI of the gutter?

166
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I just want to make you
feeI comfortable,

167
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So I said to him,
"What kind of a girI do you think I am?"

168
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I told him I never wanted to see
him again, Never, never, never,

169
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Do you think I did the
right thing, Herman?

170
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I'm sorry, I wasn't listening,

171
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Oh,

172
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Il canto... E I'amore... Ma il bambino

173
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Is that Italian?
- No, it's pig Latin,

174
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Pig Latin!

175
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Do you get it?

176
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# Well, the sun comes
up and the sun goes down

177
00:11:54,160 --> 00:11:57,994
# The hands on the
clock keep movin' around

178
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# I just get up and
it's time to sit down

179
00:12:01,968 --> 00:12:04,869
# Life gets tee-jus, don't it?

180
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# My shoe's untied
but, oh, I don't care

181
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# I ain't figurin' on going nowhere

182
00:12:12,278 --> 00:12:15,611
# Oh, I'd just have to
wash and comb my hair

183
00:12:15,681 --> 00:12:19,242
# And that's just wasted effort

184
00:12:36,569 --> 00:12:39,436
# Mouse is chewin' on the pantry door

185
00:12:39,505 --> 00:12:42,804
# He's been at it for a month or more

186
00:12:42,875 --> 00:12:46,333
# When he gets through
he'll sure be sore

187
00:12:46,412 --> 00:12:50,178
# 'Cause there ain't
a darn thing in there

188
00:12:51,050 --> 00:12:54,986
# Tin roof leaks and the chimney leans

189
00:12:55,054 --> 00:12:58,182
# There's a hole in the
seat of my old blue jeans

190
00:12:58,257 --> 00:13:02,057
# And I've ate up the
last of the pork 'n beans

191
00:13:02,128 --> 00:13:05,029
# Just can't depend on nuthin'

192
00:13:06,632 --> 00:13:09,533
# Hound dawg howlin' so forlorn

193
00:13:09,602 --> 00:13:13,333
# He's the laziest
dawg that ever was born

194
00:13:13,406 --> 00:13:16,432
# He's howlin' 'cause
he's a-sittin' on a thorn

195
00:13:16,509 --> 00:13:20,411
# And he's just too tired to move over

196
00:13:21,047 --> 00:13:24,312
# Sun comes up and the sun goes down

197
00:13:24,851 --> 00:13:28,514
# Hands on the clock
keep movin' around

198
00:13:28,588 --> 00:13:31,648
# I just get up

199
00:13:31,724 --> 00:13:34,249
# And it's time to lay down

200
00:13:34,327 --> 00:13:38,559
# Life gets tee-jus, don't it?

201
00:13:38,631 --> 00:13:41,293
How you doing, pudding head?

202
00:13:43,836 --> 00:13:45,861
Hey, Kaye, I hope
you're enjoying yourself,

203
00:13:45,938 --> 00:13:48,839
Yes, I'm loving it, Everything
is just great, Kermit,

204
00:13:48,908 --> 00:13:51,138
Good, Well, we are
having some trouble here,

205
00:13:51,210 --> 00:13:52,677
Oh, yeah,

206
00:13:52,745 --> 00:13:56,181
Yeah, the band is threatening to quit,
- Oh!

207
00:13:56,249 --> 00:13:59,184
To tell you the truth, Kaye, sometimes
I don't think I understand musicians,

208
00:13:59,252 --> 00:14:01,777
Well, I'll tell you
what, Kermit, You know...

209
00:14:01,854 --> 00:14:04,948
maybe I can help because I'm
a bit of a musician myself,

210
00:14:05,024 --> 00:14:08,084
Well, you know, Kaye, if you could help
smooth things over, I'd really appreciate it,

211
00:14:08,161 --> 00:14:12,530
Well, I'd like to try, AnimaI! Come
here, I'd like to talk to you a minute,

212
00:14:19,238 --> 00:14:23,766
Now listen, Why are
you guys so unhappy?

213
00:14:26,812 --> 00:14:29,007
No kidding?

214
00:14:36,355 --> 00:14:40,951
Oh, well, you've got a point, You have a
point, I'm willing to say you have a point,

215
00:14:41,027 --> 00:14:42,289
Kermit,
- Yeah?

216
00:14:42,361 --> 00:14:46,593
AnimaI feels a deep-seated
hostility... Am I right so far?

217
00:14:46,666 --> 00:14:49,464
Deep seated,

218
00:14:50,469 --> 00:14:54,428
...in what he interprets as
a demeaning situation, Right?

219
00:14:54,507 --> 00:14:56,998
Demeaning,

220
00:14:57,076 --> 00:14:59,374
Gee, Kaye, you do understand
musicians, don't you?

221
00:14:59,445 --> 00:15:02,812
Well, I try, I'll try to fix it,

222
00:15:02,882 --> 00:15:04,076
AnimaI?
- Yeah?

223
00:15:04,150 --> 00:15:06,880
I have been giving it
serious consideration

224
00:15:06,953 --> 00:15:11,151
and I honestly... Personally,
I don't think that...

225
00:15:19,232 --> 00:15:21,632
I think it's good,

226
00:15:22,635 --> 00:15:24,466
Argh!

227
00:15:24,537 --> 00:15:28,029
AnimaI! AnimaI! AnimaI!
Please controI yourself,

228
00:15:28,107 --> 00:15:31,440
Wait a minute, You've got to
understand that I am just visiting here,

229
00:15:31,510 --> 00:15:34,877
Now, I really feeI you should
discuss this further with Kermit,

230
00:15:34,947 --> 00:15:39,577
I don't think we need to actually discuss it,
- Discuss! Argh!

231
00:16:08,014 --> 00:16:10,881
Is there anything else
I can help you with?

232
00:16:10,950 --> 00:16:13,578
How are you at notifying next of kin?

233
00:16:13,653 --> 00:16:15,621
Well, just...

234
00:16:15,688 --> 00:16:18,657
Just tell me the area code,

235
00:16:23,129 --> 00:16:25,290
Hi,
- Howdy,

236
00:16:25,364 --> 00:16:28,891
I'd like a haircut,
- Sure, I can believe that,

237
00:16:28,968 --> 00:16:33,405
Cut it reaI short, My rock group
just broke up and I'm sick of it,

238
00:16:33,472 --> 00:16:35,599
Check,

239
00:16:37,243 --> 00:16:42,044
Cut it short back, sides,
front, top, bottom and middle,

240
00:16:42,114 --> 00:16:43,376
All righty,

241
00:16:43,449 --> 00:16:46,145
You know, I have the feeling
this is a running gag,

242
00:16:46,218 --> 00:16:50,678
Yes, but it's the audience that
should be doing the running,

243
00:16:52,391 --> 00:16:55,383
Boy, you sure are slow,

244
00:16:55,461 --> 00:16:57,395
Yeah,

245
00:16:57,463 --> 00:16:59,795
All in due time,

246
00:17:00,366 --> 00:17:04,302
By the way, who cuts
your hair? The gardener?

247
00:17:04,370 --> 00:17:07,897
Well, there you go,
sir, That'll be three dollars,

248
00:17:12,545 --> 00:17:16,641
Oh, rats, I think I've
just lost a customer,

249
00:17:18,451 --> 00:17:21,352
OK, Thank you, George, You don't
mind cleaning that up, do you? Huh?

250
00:17:21,420 --> 00:17:23,911
Great, Appreciate it,

251
00:17:25,825 --> 00:17:29,090
Hey, my friendly froggy
little flipper friend,

252
00:17:29,161 --> 00:17:32,324
Me and the gang have decided
not to end our gig here,

253
00:17:32,398 --> 00:17:33,592
Oh, good,

254
00:17:33,666 --> 00:17:35,896
If...
- If what?

255
00:17:35,968 --> 00:17:40,064
If I can write the new theme song,
- Oh, that'll be fine with me,

256
00:17:40,139 --> 00:17:42,869
No, it won't, man,
- Why not?

257
00:17:42,942 --> 00:17:45,672
You'll hate my music,
You won't understand it,

258
00:17:45,745 --> 00:17:48,339
Wait, Now listen here, I'm
pretty hip too, you know,

259
00:17:48,414 --> 00:17:51,474
Not hip enough, Nobody
understands my music,

260
00:17:51,550 --> 00:17:54,610
I mean, I don't even understand it,
- You don't?

261
00:17:54,687 --> 00:17:59,215
If I didn't know I was a genius, I
wouldn't listen to the trash I write,

262
00:17:59,291 --> 00:18:02,727
Gee, I can hardly wait to hear it,

263
00:18:03,729 --> 00:18:06,721
I gotta get myself together,

264
00:18:14,473 --> 00:18:17,533
Hello. I am Vendaface,

265
00:18:17,610 --> 00:18:22,570
the world's first
fully-automated face-lift machine.

266
00:18:22,648 --> 00:18:27,347
Just insert coin in the
slot, step up to the machine

267
00:18:27,420 --> 00:18:32,448
and within moments your
face-lift will be complete.

268
00:18:32,525 --> 00:18:36,154
Oh, yes! I'll do it, I'll do it!

269
00:18:40,332 --> 00:18:43,563
Now for phase one.

270
00:19:06,692 --> 00:19:09,889
Now for phase two.

271
00:19:41,093 --> 00:19:44,551
Oh! I love it! I love it!

272
00:19:49,335 --> 00:19:52,668
Now for phase one.

273
00:20:06,118 --> 00:20:09,554
Now for phase two.

274
00:20:33,846 --> 00:20:35,939
Next.

275
00:20:37,416 --> 00:20:39,407
OK, everybody ready?

276
00:20:39,485 --> 00:20:41,715
OK, So you've written
a new theme song, huh?

277
00:20:41,787 --> 00:20:44,585
Right, Right, If you like it, we stay,

278
00:20:44,657 --> 00:20:48,388
If you don't, it's
"Auld Lang Syne" time,

279
00:20:48,460 --> 00:20:50,485
I am sure I will love it, Go,

280
00:20:50,563 --> 00:20:53,760
It's called "Fugue for Frog,"

281
00:20:53,832 --> 00:20:58,428
See, I already love that part,
- Good, 'cause you'll hate the rest,

282
00:20:58,504 --> 00:21:01,166
Hit it!

283
00:21:08,681 --> 00:21:12,276
# Mu-Mu-Mu-ppet
Show

284
00:21:14,720 --> 00:21:17,518
That was the worst! And besides that,

285
00:21:17,590 --> 00:21:20,525
how are you gonna play Kaye Ballard's
closing number from back here?

286
00:21:20,593 --> 00:21:24,051
Like always, Loudly,

287
00:21:25,998 --> 00:21:28,899
Frog has no musicaI taste,

288
00:21:30,869 --> 00:21:34,134
Once again, Miss Kaye Ballard,

289
00:21:44,683 --> 00:21:47,447
# This is just a little samba

290
00:21:47,519 --> 00:21:50,249
# Built upon a single note

291
00:21:50,322 --> 00:21:53,052
# Other notes are bound to follow

292
00:21:53,125 --> 00:21:55,889
# But the root is still that note

293
00:21:55,961 --> 00:21:58,759
# Now the new one is the consequence

294
00:21:58,831 --> 00:22:01,561
# Of the one we've just been through

295
00:22:01,634 --> 00:22:04,660
# As I'm bound to be the unavoidable

296
00:22:04,737 --> 00:22:07,433
# Consequence of you

297
00:22:07,506 --> 00:22:10,031
# There's so many people who
can talk and talk and talk

298
00:22:10,109 --> 00:22:13,169
# And just say nothing
or nearly nothing

299
00:22:13,245 --> 00:22:16,874
# You have used up all the scale you
know and at the end you've come to nothing

300
00:22:16,949 --> 00:22:18,473
# Or nearly nothing

301
00:22:18,550 --> 00:22:21,075
# So I come back to my first note

302
00:22:21,153 --> 00:22:23,815
# As I must come back to you

303
00:22:23,889 --> 00:22:26,619
# I will pour into that one note

304
00:22:26,692 --> 00:22:29,422
# All the love I feeI for you

305
00:22:29,495 --> 00:22:32,328
# Anyone who wants the whole show

306
00:22:32,398 --> 00:22:35,060
# Re mi fa so la ti do

307
00:22:35,134 --> 00:22:38,035
# She will find herself with no show

308
00:22:38,103 --> 00:22:40,731
# Better play the note you know

309
00:24:02,221 --> 00:24:04,781
Well, that's about all the time we have,
- Hey, Kermit,

310
00:24:04,857 --> 00:24:07,985
Me and the band want Miss
Ballard to sign this petition

311
00:24:08,060 --> 00:24:10,290
about the theme song of the show,

312
00:24:10,362 --> 00:24:14,230
Will you guys get out of here?
- OK, We're ankling, Come on,

313
00:24:14,299 --> 00:24:15,926
Out, out, out!

314
00:24:16,001 --> 00:24:17,628
Ankling!

315
00:24:17,703 --> 00:24:21,503
Well, having settled that, I'd like a
warm thank you to our speciaI guest star

316
00:24:21,573 --> 00:24:23,837
Miss Kaye Ballard, Yay!

317
00:24:23,909 --> 00:24:26,537
Kermit, thank you,

318
00:24:26,612 --> 00:24:29,547
I love you, I really
do, I love all of you,

319
00:24:29,615 --> 00:24:32,516
Wait a minute, I take that
back, There's one exception,

320
00:24:32,584 --> 00:24:36,418
I'm not too sure about Miss Piggy
because I think she's very hoggy,

321
00:24:36,522 --> 00:24:39,150
Hoggy? Hoggy this!

322
00:24:39,224 --> 00:24:41,624
Hii-yah!
- Ow!

323
00:24:43,428 --> 00:24:46,920
We'll see you all next
time on The Muppet Show.

324
00:25:25,437 --> 00:25:29,237
Well, you must admit, NigeI,
this does sound a little square,

325
00:25:29,308 --> 00:25:30,900
Play, hound, play,