It's The Muppet Show, with our speciaI guest star Miss Kaye Ballard,
# It's time to play the music
# It's time to light the lights
# It's time to meet the Muppets on The Muppet Show tonight
# It's time to put on makeup
# It's time to dress up right
# It's time to raise the curtain on The Muppet Show tonight
Hey! Have you heard the one about this very fat pig?
Have you heard the one about this very flat bear?
Hii-yah!
# To introduce our guest star
# That's what I'm here to do
# So it really makes me happy
# To introduce to you
Miss Kaye Ballard,
# But now let's get things started on the most sensationaI, inspirationaI
# CelebrationaI, MuppetationaI
# This is what we call
# The Muppet Show
Not bad,
Whoop!
Thank you, thank you, And welcome again to The Muppet Show.
And our speciaI guest star tonight is one of the funniest ladies in the business,
and one of the nicest, Miss Kaye Ballard,
So we think it's gonna be a great show tonight,
And if you stick around, we think you'll agree,
But right now, let's get things moving on The Muppet Show.
One, two, three,
# In the summertime when all the trees and leaves are green
# And the redbird sings I'll be blue
# 'Cause you don't want my love
# "Some other time" that's what you say when I want you
# Then you laugh at me and make me cry
# 'Cause you don't want my love
# You don't seem to care a thing about me You'd rather live without me
# Than to have my arms around you when the nights are cold and you're so all alone
# Ging gong de-gong gong ging ga-ding ga-ding ga-ding ga-ding dong
# In the summertime when all the trees and leaves are green
# And the redbird sings I'll be blue
# 'Cause you don't want my love
# Duh duh duh diggle diggle ding dong ding dong ding
# Diggle diggle diggle dong ding dong
# Ring a ding a ding bah bing bam bing ba bing bam
# Once upon a time you used to smile and wave to me
# And walk with me but now you don't
# 'Cause you don't want my love
# Some other guy's taking up all your time
# Now you don't have time for me
# 'Cause you don't want my love
# You don't seem to care a thing about me You'd rather live without me
# Than to have my arms around you when the nights are cold and you're so all alone
# Ghee ghee goh-ghee-ghee ghee ga-ga-ghee-ghee
# In the summertime when all the trees and leaves are green
# And the redbird sings I'll be blue
# 'Cause you don't want my love
# Duh duh duh diddle diddle ding diddle dong ding
# Diddle diddle dong ding dong ding
# Ring a ding a ding ba bing bong bing bong
# Diddle diddle bing bang bong
Encore! Encore!
Not so loud, They may hear you,
Hey, Kermit, So long, man,
Hey, b-but, Floyd, the show is on, You should be in the orchestra pit,
Sorry, man, I'm ankling, - Ankling?
Yeah, ankling, You know, leaving, I've come to the coda,
I'm using the door marked "Exit,"
Like a banana in the presence of ice cream, I intend to split,
B-but, Floyd, you can't just leave us,
Listen, Kermit, you're a nice little dude in your own amphibian way,
but I just can't take it anymore, - But what's the matter?
It's the theme song, - The theme?
Kermit, you are talking to Floyd Pepper, the hippest of the hip,
I mean, I have a room for life at the Home for the Chronically Groovy,
And every week I have to come in here and play...
Nice,
It's embarrassingly square,
And I don't play square,
Yeah, but, Floyd, none of the other musicians have complained,
Drag city, - Yeah, we're gonna beat feet,
Hey, AnimaI, you like the theme, don't you?
Yeah, yeah!
No, no, - No, no,
Uncopacetic,
Hey, but wait a minute, Floyd, What about Kaye Ballard's big number?
Hey, wait a minute, wait a minute, The dude's right,
Yeah, we can't walk out on Kaye Ballard's number,
Good,
We'll walk out after Kaye Ballard's number,
Phew, A stay of execution, I must remember to thank the warden,
Whoop,
Right now, gang, it's time to meet a star
who knows her way around a song like I know my way around a lily pad,
Miss Kaye Ballard,
What Would You Say?")
# Have I a hope or half a chance
# To even ask if I could dance with you?
Yoo-hoo,
# Would you greet me or politely turn away?
Oh, Kaye,
# Would there suddenly be sunshine
# On a cold and rainy day?
# Oh, babe
# What would you say?
# Well, there you are, sweet lollipop
# Yes, here I am with such a lot to say
Hey, hey,
# Just to walk with you along the Milky Way
# To caress you through the nighttime
# Bring you flowers every day
# Oh, babe
# What would you say?
I'm so sorry,
# Yes, oh, baby I know
# I know I could be so in love
# With you
# And I know that I could make you love me too
# And if I could only hear you say you do
# But anyway
# What would you say?
# And I know that I could make you love me too
# And if I could only hear you say you do
# But anyway
# What would you say?
I could watch Kaye Ballard all night,
Mm, I tried it once, but she pulled the shade down,
You dirty old man,
OK, green stuff, me and the guys stayed through the Kaye Ballard number,
and now, before it's time for that awfuI theme song, we're leaving,
But w-wait a minute, Hey, Kaye's got another number,
Oh, yeah? Well, maybe we'll stay for that,
Oh, good, Listen, I'm asking you,
just stay through to the end of the show so you can play the theme,
That does it, We're leaving, - But... W-wait a minute, wait a minute,
Listen, If you do it, next week we'll have a new theme,
Oh, yeah? Well, maybe we'll stay, then,
Good, because your noble conductor, NigeI here,
has offered to write a new theme,
We're leaving, - B-but why?
He wrote the first one, man,
Hey, but, guys, come on! Please, Listen,
I always thought it was kind of a hip tune,
Here's a Muppet news flash, Dateline, Boston, Massachusetts,
Mrs, Gretchen Powers of that city is trying to enter the Guinness Book of Records
by completing the world's longest sentence,
She began talking six weeks ago and neighbors say she hasn't stopped since,
Our Muppet cameras are in her home now, Mrs, Powers?
...and the dog fell over the nose of the tree went into the spaghetti factory
while six million men marched in their foghorns under a double-decker bus,
whose onion soup spoke of...
Mrs, Powers, if we could interrupt for a moment,
...but for the grace of the noodle pie go I, said the spokesman for the group,
who wore a turtleneck convertible as the rain fell...
The sentence you're saying is long, but I'm missing the point of it,
...in what was said not the fault of the blueberry bush,
but instead when the investigators arrived at the corset factory...
Mrs, Powers' husband CarI said it makes about as much sense
as anything she's said,
He said this from his home at the Clinging Vine Home for the Crazed,
...because that is the way it is, you cannot believe what goes on...
My family has quite a history, You can find a record of them in the 1 7th century,
So has my family, You can find a record of them in the 1 9th precinct,
George, why is it that everything we discuss,
you reduce to the leveI of the gutter?
I just want to make you feeI comfortable,
So I said to him, "What kind of a girI do you think I am?"
I told him I never wanted to see him again, Never, never, never,
Do you think I did the right thing, Herman?
I'm sorry, I wasn't listening,
Oh,
Il canto... E I'amore... Ma il bambino
Is that Italian? - No, it's pig Latin,
Pig Latin!
Do you get it?
# Well, the sun comes up and the sun goes down
# The hands on the clock keep movin' around
# I just get up and it's time to sit down
# Life gets tee-jus, don't it?
# My shoe's untied but, oh, I don't care
# I ain't figurin' on going nowhere
# Oh, I'd just have to wash and comb my hair
# And that's just wasted effort
# Mouse is chewin' on the pantry door
# He's been at it for a month or more
# When he gets through he'll sure be sore
# 'Cause there ain't a darn thing in there
# Tin roof leaks and the chimney leans
# There's a hole in the seat of my old blue jeans
# And I've ate up the last of the pork 'n beans
# Just can't depend on nuthin'
# Hound dawg howlin' so forlorn
# He's the laziest dawg that ever was born
# He's howlin' 'cause he's a-sittin' on a thorn
# And he's just too tired to move over
# Sun comes up and the sun goes down
# Hands on the clock keep movin' around
# I just get up
# And it's time to lay down
# Life gets tee-jus, don't it?
How you doing, pudding head?
Hey, Kaye, I hope you're enjoying yourself,
Yes, I'm loving it, Everything is just great, Kermit,
Good, Well, we are having some trouble here,
Oh, yeah,
Yeah, the band is threatening to quit, - Oh!
To tell you the truth, Kaye, sometimes I don't think I understand musicians,
Well, I'll tell you what, Kermit, You know...
maybe I can help because I'm a bit of a musician myself,
Well, you know, Kaye, if you could help smooth things over, I'd really appreciate it,
Well, I'd like to try, AnimaI! Come here, I'd like to talk to you a minute,
Now listen, Why are you guys so unhappy?
No kidding?
Oh, well, you've got a point, You have a point, I'm willing to say you have a point,
Kermit, - Yeah?
AnimaI feels a deep-seated hostility... Am I right so far?
Deep seated,
...in what he interprets as a demeaning situation, Right?
Demeaning,
Gee, Kaye, you do understand musicians, don't you?
Well, I try, I'll try to fix it,
AnimaI? - Yeah?
I have been giving it serious consideration
and I honestly... Personally, I don't think that...
I think it's good,
Argh!
AnimaI! AnimaI! AnimaI! Please controI yourself,
Wait a minute, You've got to understand that I am just visiting here,
Now, I really feeI you should discuss this further with Kermit,
I don't think we need to actually discuss it, - Discuss! Argh!
Is there anything else I can help you with?
How are you at notifying next of kin?
Well, just...
Just tell me the area code,
Hi, - Howdy,
I'd like a haircut, - Sure, I can believe that,
Cut it reaI short, My rock group just broke up and I'm sick of it,
Check,
Cut it short back, sides, front, top, bottom and middle,
All righty,
You know, I have the feeling this is a running gag,
Yes, but it's the audience that should be doing the running,
Boy, you sure are slow,
Yeah,
All in due time,
By the way, who cuts your hair? The gardener?
Well, there you go, sir, That'll be three dollars,
Oh, rats, I think I've just lost a customer,
OK, Thank you, George, You don't mind cleaning that up, do you? Huh?
Great, Appreciate it,
Hey, my friendly froggy little flipper friend,
Me and the gang have decided not to end our gig here,
Oh, good,
If... - If what?
If I can write the new theme song, - Oh, that'll be fine with me,
No, it won't, man, - Why not?
You'll hate my music, You won't understand it,
Wait, Now listen here, I'm pretty hip too, you know,
Not hip enough, Nobody understands my music,
I mean, I don't even understand it, - You don't?
If I didn't know I was a genius, I wouldn't listen to the trash I write,
Gee, I can hardly wait to hear it,
I gotta get myself together,
Hello. I am Vendaface,
the world's first fully-automated face-lift machine.
Just insert coin in the slot, step up to the machine
and within moments your face-lift will be complete.
Oh, yes! I'll do it, I'll do it!
Now for phase one.
Now for phase two.
Oh! I love it! I love it!
Now for phase one.
Now for phase two.
Next.
OK, everybody ready?
OK, So you've written a new theme song, huh?
Right, Right, If you like it, we stay,
If you don't, it's "Auld Lang Syne" time,
I am sure I will love it, Go,
It's called "Fugue for Frog,"
See, I already love that part, - Good, 'cause you'll hate the rest,
Hit it!
# Mu-Mu-Mu-ppet Show
That was the worst! And besides that,
how are you gonna play Kaye Ballard's closing number from back here?
Like always, Loudly,
Frog has no musicaI taste,
Once again, Miss Kaye Ballard,
# This is just a little samba
# Built upon a single note
# Other notes are bound to follow
# But the root is still that note
# Now the new one is the consequence
# Of the one we've just been through
# As I'm bound to be the unavoidable
# Consequence of you
# There's so many people who can talk and talk and talk
# And just say nothing or nearly nothing
# You have used up all the scale you know and at the end you've come to nothing
# Or nearly nothing
# So I come back to my first note
# As I must come back to you
# I will pour into that one note
# All the love I feeI for you
# Anyone who wants the whole show
# Re mi fa so la ti do
# She will find herself with no show
# Better play the note you know
Well, that's about all the time we have, - Hey, Kermit,
Me and the band want Miss Ballard to sign this petition
about the theme song of the show,
Will you guys get out of here? - OK, We're ankling, Come on,
Out, out, out!
Ankling!
Well, having settled that, I'd like a warm thank you to our speciaI guest star
Miss Kaye Ballard, Yay!
Kermit, thank you,
I love you, I really do, I love all of you,
Wait a minute, I take that back, There's one exception,
I'm not too sure about Miss Piggy because I think she's very hoggy,
Hoggy? Hoggy this!
Hii-yah! - Ow!
We'll see you all next time on The Muppet Show.
Well, you must admit, NigeI, this does sound a little square,
Play, hound, play,