(Horn)
(Mrs Durrell) Gerry?
Gerry, dear, will you be so kind as to give this back to Dr Stephanides?
Tell him that I enjoyed it immensely but thought the ending rather far-fetched.
(Larry) Far-fetched? I should say so.
Larry, I hope your friends aren't going to be too highbrow.
- What on earth do you mean? - Well…
Poetry and things.
They're perfectly ordinary, intelligent and stimulating people.
- We're in danger of stagnating. - Oh, dear.
Stimulating. That means I shan't understand a word they say.
You would if you didn't read such lurid trash.
They are not. They're very good detective stories.
Yes, well, just hide them when my friends are here.
Oh, dear.
I knew they'd be highbrow.
Oh, dear.
(♪ Spiro singing)
♪ I'll tell her I'm of the novillo
♪ And live in a great big castillo
♪ I long for a miss who'll give me a kiss
- ♪ And not say, "Oh, don't be… ♪ "..So sillio" ♪
Gerry, this is Yasha.
That was my young brother, Gerald.
I suppose he could be called handsome.
No, no. He's a son of a bitch Turk.
And he's uglys! Very, very uglys!
He's very uglys!
(Horn)
- Gosh! - Hm?
Oh, yes, a rhinoceros beetle.
Ah. Now look. There.
You see, this will interest you.
I was looking through my slides before you came,
and, as you know, the rat flea…
There. Now, can you see? The mouthparts.
You should be able to see this with your own microscope, oh, not so well,
but if you know Ceratophyllus fasciatus,
I always think a fasciatus…
If you look, one can almost imagine it to be a human face.
But no, the rat flea.
And here, in the live box…
Now, this will interest you.
Ah.
Careful not to get your fingers on the subject slide.
Ah. Now.
What do you say to this? Hm.
Cyclops viridis.
The Crustacea family, the same family as crabs and shrimps.
I'll just adjust the…
- Ah, now look. Can you see the egg sacs? - Yes.
As you know there are several species of cyclops on Corfu.
I caught this one this morning.
A single eye, hence, as you know, Cyclops, hm?
Hm.
- Hm. - Hm.
Mother.
He's arrived.
Leslie, you are to behave like a gentleman.
Isn't he the handsomest object you've ever seen, and doesn't he know it?
Where does Margo find them?
Please. We must try to be nice to him.
- We'll be terribly nice to him, won't we? - Oh, yes.
Where's Gerry? We could do with a box of crawly things.
He's the crawliest thing I've ever seen.
Why doesn't Spiro cut their throats and save us an awful lot of politeness?
Now, that is enough.
Goodbye. It's been a pleasure having you.
What are you concerning yourself with at the moment?
Swallows, as a matter of fact.
As you know, they're incubating.
That is interesting.
What about next Thursday? If you are free.
- I'm sure to be. - We might take a walk.
See what we can obtain.
There are some fascinating ditches in the Val di Ropa. Yes.
- Thank you. - Not at all.
Ah.
- Goodbye. - Yes. Goodbye.
How nice to meet you.
He kisses hands all the time. I find it so romantic.
It will be lovely having you.
Well, it's so often to, erm…
(Stammers) Days simply fly.
Margo's told us so much about you.
- So has Spiro. - Spiro?
- Oh, he's a gangster from Chicago. - Yes, a good shot.
Oh, much better with a Tommy gun than I am.
Yes, but like all Greeks he prefers the knife.
- Stop it, you two. - Yes, do.
- Do have a scone. - So kind.
- Is he talking to you? - No, I think he means himself.
- Yasha is on holiday here. - That's amazing.
You know, I had a holiday once. I remember it quite clearly.
Sugar? Sugar in your tea?
- So kind. - He said it again!
He does mean himself! You know, Leslie, we're so lucky.
- That he can spare the time? - Absolutely.
Hello, dear. Have you had a good time?
Yes. The most interesting thing was the mouthparts of a rat flea, as a matter of fact.
Oh.
- Theo sent this for you. - Thank you.
Ah, Spiro. This is a friend of Margo's.
Yes. I knows him.
You write, I believe.
Yes. Yes.
He writes away, day after day.
Always tapping at the typewriter at, erm… at something or other.
I always feel I could write superbly if I tried.
Really?
Well, it's a gift, I suppose, like so many things.
No accounting for who brings…has…gifts.
Yes.
- He swims superbly. - Yes, I do.
- Goes out terribly far. - Not far enough.
Yes. I have no fear.
I am the superb swimmer so I have no fear.
It is the same when I ride the horse.
I ride superbly, for I have no fear.
I can also sail the boat wondrously
and through the typhoon magnificently without fear.
You see, I am not a fearful man.
I, er…
I'm astonished to meet you.
Leslie?
(Leslie) Er…excuse us.
(Gunshot)
Would you be so kind as to accompany me to the cinema tomorrow evening?
- Would I? - Would you like to, dear?
- I don't know. - Well, if you want to, why not?
- Yes. - Yes.
And I'll come with you.
You look lovely, dear.
You're going to have a jolly evening, Mother.
- I can't let her go on her own. - Especially with a Turk.
(Imitates Spiro) Oh, no, they are sons of bitches.
Shut up, Larry.
I haven't been to the pictures in years.
(Woman) Tell us, what happened? You're hurt.
(Man) No, no, it's nothing.
(Woman) What is it? Tell me?
Thérèse, I can't tell you.
It's a duel. Another woman.
(Man) There's no other woman for me.
There never has been.
(Thérèse) Then why can't you tell me? I can keep a secret.
I'm not just any woman. I'm the woman you're going to marry.
(Mrs Durrell) It was awful!
(Laughter)
I'm so glad you've come back. We thought you'd flown with him.
Even now, galloping behind him on a camel to Constanople.
- Constantinople. - That's what I said.
Yashmaks rippling seductively in the breeze on the Bosphorus.
It was awful.
(Man) Those who accept the oath, step forward.
As you please.
By the imperial clemency, the eldest will be shot first, then the next eldest.
His Majesty gives the younger infidels time to change their minds.
(Drums)
Comrades!
♪ Sing the song of liberty
♪ Feel it rising to the sky ♪
(♪ Singing continues)
(Gunfire)
(♪ Singing continues)
(Mrs Durrell) I got a flea!
- What sort of flea? - I don't know.
I couldn't scratch. I had to press my back against the seat.
Really, everybody must have noticed.
(Mrs Durrell) In the first interval he went out and came back laden with Turkish Delight.
- I thought that was very sweet of him. - It was so sticky.
We were covered in white sugar.
I got the most fearful thirst.
Yes.
- Hey. You behave yourself. Or I… - (Gunfire)
(♪ Singing)
(Gunfire)
(♪ Singing continues)
(Gunfire)
Freedom!
♪ Close the ranks and join the call
♪ Join the fighters passing by ♪
And in the second interval, he brought flowers.
I mean, who ever heard of flowers in a cinema?
But worst of all was the journey home.
(Yasha sings tunelessly) ♪ My dance
♪ She promised to save it for me
♪ My dance
♪ I'm waiting but where can she be?
♪ Here all alone
♪ In the crowd I stand
♪ And pretend that I have come just to hear the band
♪ By chance two shadows I see on the lawn
♪ A glance that tells me where my dance has gone
♪ Now I can see
♪ That she wasn't for me
♪ So I'll forget romance
♪ As she forgot my dance ♪
(Speaks Turkish)
He's Greek. He doesn't understand.
I speak many languages.
I study everything.
Yes, but what did you say?
You will be most amused.
I said, "I fear you will not reach Mecca, oh nomad,
"for the road which you follow leads to Turkistan."
(Laughs)
Gee up, driver. Gee up.
Took hours to get home.
Hours.
- (Driver speaks Greek) - (Yasha replies)
He says he cannot go any further because of the hill.
- I must come with you. - That won't be necessary.
- I have no fear of serpents. - I'm sure you haven't.
Neither have I. Good night.
You cannot go up the hill. The forests are full of serpents.
But I have no fear of them.
I am fearful of nothing!
- Did he mean snakes? - I suppose so.
We didn't see any. I thought we were going to have to ask him in.
- Why didn't you? - Didn't need to.
- (Whispers) Aristotle. - Spiro.
(Speaks Greek)
(Yasha) Stop at once!
Thank goodness he never reached the door,
otherwise politeness would have demanded that we invite him in and he'd still be here.
- How fearful! - And I'd still be desperate for a scratch.
Oh, Margo, you must be more careful in future over your choice of boyfriends.
- I couldn't go through all that again. - But he was so handsome.
It could take me a long time to get over this, I'm afraid.
Well into the middle of next week, I imagine.
(Laughter)
You want a rides into town, Turk?
I takes you for a rides.
But it will cost you very much monies.
Very much.
- Gerry, kalimera… - Good morning!
(Speaking Greek)
(Frank Crumit recording) ♪ I'll find me a fair señorita ♪
♪ Not thin and yet not too much meat-a
(Sings along) ♪ I'll woo her a while in my Argentine style
♪ I'll carry her off of her feet-a ♪
Hey! Master Gerrys!
I frightens that Turk so much he skedaddles the countries!
I tells him, "Get out, you bums, or you gets a cement overcoat!"
These are for your mother.
- Nice, eh? - ♪ She told me her name was Estrella
♪ She said, "Stick around me, young fella
♪ "For mosquitoes, they bite
♪ "And they're awful tonight
♪ "And you smell just like citronella"♪
- Well, they're coming. - Oh, how nice for you, dear.
You'd better let the Swiss pension know how many and when.
- I do hope they're not too arty. - Pension Suisse? Why?
So they can reserve the rooms.
Well, I've invited them here to stay with us.
- Where? - Here.
Where are they going to sleep?
Oh, I've sorted all that out.
Les and Margo can sleep in the olive press and you and Gerry have the drawing room.
No fear. Margo can't sleep in the olive press. She's a young girl.
- No fears. - Who asked you, Spiro?
(Laughs) You listen to your mother.
- How many? - Three or four. Four or five.
- You can jolly well write and tell them not to come. - I can't. They're on their way.
Look!
- Take that awful thing out. - They're on their way?
Well, if they are, they've got to be stopped. This villa is too small.
I didn't know you were going to treat the arrival of a few friends as a major catastrophe.
- Spiro will have to find us a bigger one. - Big bathrooms.
- The English always want bathrooms. - Yes, certainly with… No!
- We're not going to move because you… - We're living like hermits.
- I don't want to move. - I'm only thinking of you, Mother.
You used to like having people around you.
They're a charming crowd. Charming.
I only asked them for you.
I thought they might liven things up a bit for you.
- Quite lively enough, thank you. - Mr Larrys.
Your mother is a saint.
- How many? - Friends?
One or two. At a time. I expect they'll come in batches.
lf you reckon on seven or eight you can always stretch it to ten,
whereas if you think small you're certain to be disappointed.
- With us? - With us what?
Seven or eight with us?
Me, Gerry, Margo and, I suppose, Leslie.
- Suppose Leslie what? - You're not including him. Us.
- That's 13. - What is?
We can't possibly fit 13 people into this villa.
Then there's a solution. Spiro will have to find us another one.
- No! - No.
Why?
We're not going anywhere until the swallows have grown and flown hence.
- Is that a Greek proverb? - Yes. There are manys.
- I won't have it, Larry. - Have what, Mother?
- Larry has invited hordes of his friends. - Not hordes.
I can never understand a word they say. And they're all effeminate.
Just because they don't rush around the countryside shooting everything that moves and some things that don't.
That's a good test of character. Or lack of it.
Yes. Jolly queer lot. Ballet dancers, that sort of thing.
Yes. Writers, that sort of thing.
Queer poems.
What is that on my toast?
It's all right. It's one of Gerry's. And that's another thing.
If we move, what about his lessons?
He'll still have lessons.
And if we're in a bigger villa, more of them.
I don't quite see your reasoning, dear.
I nearly buttered the blasted thing.
(Theo) Hm, thought it was. The oil beetle. A female.
It lays its eggs in the soil, little yellow eggs,
and when the larvae hatch out
they climb up the stems of the nearest flowers into the blooms,
into the tucks of the petals.
And there they wait for a bee.
And if they're lucky, the bee is a female
collecting honey for her egg chamber.
The larvae hitches a ride.
He's sealed into the cell with the egg and the honey,
eats it and develops.
Meloi pro scarabaeus.
How peculiar.
Hitching a ride on a bee.
Pegasus with a sting in the tail.
Talking of horses, did I ever tell you of my triumphant entry into Smirna?
When we, er… That's in Turkey.
When we won in the last war…
Well… Not a good rider.
But I was told I had to lead my battalion into, erm… Yes.
So I did. A triumphal column led by a man on a white horse.
Er…me.
Well, er… As you know, in Greece we throw scent,
rose-water, that sort of thing, over conquering heroes.
lt, er…got in his eye.
My white horse went off like a rocket,
me hanging on like grim death.
I was caught, of course.
Told to clear off.
No white horse. No me.
Yes. Left to slink through the back streets, reeking of rose-water.
And, well…
No such thing.
No horses, triumphant or otherwise,
stinking of rose-water or anything else.
No.
Never been on a horse since.
No such thing in the next one.
That's why I want to see as many of my friends as I can. Soon.
(Theo) Yes.
I've made up my mind.
We are not moving to another villa.
(Mrs Durrell) We are not moving.
(Margo) That bag on the…
(Mrs Durrell) The yellow one? Yes, darling.
What I'm worried about is the keys to the new villa.
(Spiro) Yes, I've got them.
(Mrs Durrell) Gerry, have you got all the things packed?
- Yes. - Thank you.
(All talk at once)
Sit on my knee, Gerry.
- Everybody there? - All in?
- Come on, Larry. - OK, Mrs Durrells?
- Yes. - Move over, Margo.
- OK? - OK! All right.