(Theo) ♪ I've travelled this wide world all over
♪ And now to another I'll go
♪ For I know that good quarters are waiting
♪ To welcome old Rosin the Bow
♪ To welcome old Rosin the Bow ♪
(♪ Hums)
The perfect night for it.
Yes.
What did you say?
Theodore said it was the perfect night for it.
For what?
For a jolly moonlight swim.
You don't swim.
- Ah. But if I did. - (Laughter)
Erm, why are we going in circles?
Oh, because Mother doesn't know how to steer.
Well, if you feel you can do any better, Margo, you may take the rudder. Yes.
- All right? - Yes.
Rocks!
- Oh, where? - There.
Oh, sorry. I can never remember if it's left to go left, or left to go right.
- Shall I take over? - No, no, no.
- Leslie. - No, it's all right. I've got the hang of it now.
Have any of you ever been to Albania before, dare one ask?
Margo, we're going towards Albania now.
(Margo) Oh, sorry. (Gerry) Now we're going towards the rocks.
(Larry) Not towards the rocks, a little bit more towards Albania.
(Gerry) Rocks!
(Theo) Just a touch…
(Larry) A bit more towards Albania!
Rocks, rocks, rocks. No, no, no, just keep it there.
(Gerry) Albania! (Larry) Rocks!
Shouldn't it be port and starboard?
- Do you know what port and starboard are? - Well, no. Of course not.
But shouldn't it be?
Rocks!
(Gerry) I ought to have a boat of my own, so that I can do things in it on my own,
and have voyages alone, and become acquainted with the creatures of the sea
without going round and round in circles.
ln fact, if anybody wants to know what I want for my birthday,
I want my own boat.
Look.
(Theo) Ah, yes. A firefly.
(Leslie) There's thousands of them.
- Good morning, Spiro. - Good mornings.
- Closes your eyes at once. - What?
You're not supposed to know that I'm bringing woods.
I do hope Leslie knows what he's doing.
This piece of wood's got a hole in it.
I should never have started this. It's growing like a blasted liner.
- The Greeks are great seamans. - Well, so are the British.
It's OK. I have not told him what he is gottings.
He knows what he's gotting, Spiro, what he doesn't know is what it's gonna look like.
Well, neither do I, exactly.
Well, still, it's wood. It should float.
(Margo) Mother.
In here, dear.
Erm, we thought, Peter and l,
that it was about time Gerald got back to learning things.
Peter?
- That's right. - Have we met?
No. No, we haven't, Mrs Durrell.
- How do you do? - Don't start all that.
Mother, this is Peter. He ought to teach Gerry, he knows everything.
- He's been to Oxford. - So have l. Twice.
(Laughs)
It-it was suggested that you might like a tutor for Gerald.
Er, me, I suggested it.
Er, will you suit?
Oh, no, I can see that you're quite a nice looking young man, but will you suit?
Gerry is odd.
- But he's quite nice, really. - Well, I am qualified to teach.
I have a degree.
(Speaks Greek)
- You're not a dentist by any chance? - Oh, no. Arts.
(Lugaretzia) Oh!
Lugaretzia needs a dentist.
I suppose we'll have to take her to a Greek one.
Well, she's got Greek teeth.
Look.
It's an owl.
Just a baby, really.
Oh, isn't he sweet?
- It's a bit ugly. - He's very brave.
I shall call him Ulysses.
It's about time you two became friends.
(Roger whimpers)
Come on, Roger. Make friends.
(Twitters)
(Whimpers)
(Lugaretzia) No!
I suggested that she might go to a dentist, that's all.
Have you had your, er…birthday list from Gerry yet? Cheeky little devil.
- Yes. - Books on bats and snakes and things.
- Dozens of them. - What does it say on mine?
"Five wooden cases glass-topped and cork…" Ah, he still can't spell.
There's a young man called Peter coming in to deal with that. Margo found him.
"Two dozen test tubes, five pints of methyl…meth-y-lated spirits,
"five pints of formalin and a microscope."
Where I'll find all that I don't know.
Don't get him everything. I'm not.
I always get him everything if I can.
- Was that him? - Who?
This Peter chap, hand-in-hand with Margo in the garden.
Almost certain to be. (Sighs)
(Laughs) Mm-mm.
Margo.
Shouldn't Peter be giving Gerry lessons in… in something?
Spelling. You know, there's the oddest smell in my room.
Do you think it could be that owl?
Where does it do its business?
I don't know, dear.
I'd really rather not think about it.
Never again.
Why we pander to that boy, I don't know. I should never have started it.
Having trouble? I thought you knew all about boats.
I do!
Don't know much about Greek nails, that's all.
I suspect they're all second-hand,
been straightened by some cousin of Spiro's.
Who should we get to deal with Lugaretzia's teeth?
- Well, I'm too busy. - Oh, Leslie, be serious.
Her teeth are a torment to her.
I hope you're not going to expect Peter to spend all his time
in the bug house with Gerry.
(Sighs)
We're not going to spend all our time this summer indoors, are we, Peter?
I mean, you are smitten with Margo, aren't you?
Thought you were. Everyone like you is.
Why don't you go off and look at flowers and things?
(Sighs)
Poetry, things like that.
Swimming, Margo loves swimming.
Turn to page…
What is that smell?
(Sniffs)
Yes.
I think you ought to keep a diary.
There's no point in me going over things again and again as I have been doing,
nouns, verbs, adverbs, fractions, percentages, that sort of thing,
when you could learn far more by applying your skill.
That's it, you must keep a diary.
I do.
Look.
I put everything into it. That's what I've done today already.
I'm rather interested with creatures of the night at the moment, bats and owls.
Mm.
Would you rather I wrote a book?
(Peter) Hmm.
What a good idea.
Aaaaagh!
Pah, pa, pa, pa.
All have to be extracted. The entire…entire…every one.
Thus will her body be purged of ailment.
She will sleep better also.
And her stomach will calm.
In every sense she will be sublimely happy to get rid of them.
Oh, dear.
Will you tell her, doctor, or should I?
Pa, pa, pa, pa, pa.
It will be best if she discovers it over the next few days,
as if by accident.
Huh?
It'll all be over in a minute, Lugaretzia.
- Just one good pull. - Aaaagh!
(Laughs)
What's that awful smell in the house?
- I don't know. - I'm sure it's that dog.
lt isn't the owl.
Hmm.
Has he asked you to his birthday party?
Well…yes.
Well, I'll ask you as well, just to make sure.
Good afternoon.
Oh.
(Honks horn)
(Lugaretzia moans)
I do hope she's not going to be sick.
Out! She must get out if she's going to be sick.
(Speaking Greek)
What did she say?
I asked her how she was going to be able to eat and she said not to mention it.
More to the point, how will she be able to help me prepare the food for tomorrow?
I said that you could each have ten guests thinking that you'd each invite the same ten.
You haven't, have you?
- Hundreds are coming. - Good.
But of course the presents I will be getting will be quite useless for my purposes.
You mean nothing to do with bugs and flying crawly things?
Precisely.
- What is that awful smell in the house? - Don't ask me.
Larry says that he can actually smell it in his room now.
It's nothing to do with me or Roger.
(Moans)
Lugaretzia's going to be useless for days.
She is a useless womans.
Never you mind, Mrs Durrells,
you leave everything to me.
I have friends who have been butlers to the kings of Greeces.
They will fix it.
(Twittering)
The only way out of this would be to let Larry die.
And I'd rather not do that.
After all, he is my brother.
(Sniffs)
I think it must be something of mine, Ulysses.
I hope it's not my chicken.
I would hate it to be the four-legged chicken as that is totally irreplaceable.
(Peter) Oh.
Hasn't he grown?
Ulysses.
Yes. Quite quickly.
He's got very fluffy.
If he doesn't like you, he ruffles himself out.
Yes, I thought so.
It's my bat.
Hm?
(Sniffs) Oh!
No wonder Larry can smell it in his room.
I stuffed it myself.
I must admit, it has been looking rather dejected lately.
- Can you smell it? - Ooh! Gerry.
It is awful, isn't it?
- Did you cure it properly? - I thought I had.
Oh, I think you'd better get rid of it.
We can always get another one. I'll show you how to cure it properly this time.
Don't tell them, will you? Larry and the others, I mean.
I don't think they'd understand, just that it isn't Roger or Ulysses.
They've been very good about Ulysses.
Oh, Margo.
(Mrs Durrell) Oh.
There you go, Larry.
Is the boat finished?
Oh, almost.
What are we going to do about him?
- Margo's swain? - Mm, very wet, isn't he?
I think he's ghastly.
Do you think they're getting too fond of each other?
- Well, it's a familiar pattern. - What about the last one? He had to go.
You'll never let me shoot them, will you?
I can't see. Are they…kissing each other?
Either that or eating one another.
Margo.
Last one was a Turk, wasn't he?
Hmm.
I don't know what they see in her.
I'll have to have a word with her.
She ought to stop leading young men on and just get on with it.
- Might help her spots. - Larry.
- Well, don't you think so? - No, I do not.
She's much too young to…
get on with it.
Well, it's because he's English.
If he was another Turk, Spiro would have sorted him out by now.
They ought to be sent to Athens to live together for as long as it lasts.
Anywhere far enough away for us not to have to watch.
I'd rather blow his brains out.
- (Mrs Durrell tuts) Leslie. - Well, wouldn't you?
I don't believe in this free love of Larry's.
There's a price to pay for everything, you know.
No. Better to get it over and done with quickly.
Bang.
Will you marry me?
Oh, Peter.
Oh, Margo.
I'm not capable of saying.
Oh, Margo.
Oh, Peter.
Oh, Gerry, you little thing!
OK.
This must be the best birthday party there has ever been.
You must both work very hard.
I have said, "Leaves all to Spiro," to Mrs Durrells,
who is a…a saint,
a Madonna.
Lugaretzia, you must forget all about your bleeding gums.
(Gibbers)
(Angry exchange in Greek)
(Chokes)
You must remember you are the ex-butler to the kings of Greeces,
and you must not drink!
The honour of Spiro is at stake.
Work, work, work!
Work! Work.
Thank you.
You must forget all this nonsense about marriage, Margo.
Well, I haven't shot a man yet.
But I'm not adverse to doing so.
- Look. - Aw. (Laughs)
More animals.
Isn't he sweet?
Doesn't Peter look handsome?
He bought a new suit.
Yes, he looks very smart.
- Oh, dear Gerry. - (Puppy whimpers)
You're the only one who understands.
One false move and you're a dead man.
I am so sorry I'm late, but my wife has just been delivered of a baby.
- Oh, congratulations. - Thank you.
We must drink to them both. Ah.
- Lugaretzia. Thank you. - Thank you.
What's this, doctors? You gets babies?
A boy. A boy, Spiro.
But you got lots and lots alreadys.
- How many this time? - Six.
- That's all. - That's all?
That's all, that's all? You ought to be ashamed of yourself. Six.
But I love children.
Yes, how nice.
Is too manys, Mrs Durrells.
Maybe it's all right for cats and dogs. (Laughs)
Listen, listen, listen.
When I get married… I ask my wife, "How many you wants?"
And she says twos. So I give her twos.
- Then I get her sewed up. - (Snorts)
Honest to Gods, it's disgusting, it's like cats and dogs.
Six.
- Six! - Oh, the cake. Where's Gerry?
(Cheering)
(Speaks Greek)
Happy birthday!
(♪ Fiddle plays a jig)
(Guests) Hey! Hey!
Hey!
Hey.
Hey, Theo.
Hey, Spiro.
Come on.
Do you like it? Really?
It's wonderful. The best boat and the best present I've ever had.
Do you like the colour? It's green and white inside.
Tell you what, though, it was jolly hard work.
- Wonderful. - Come on, lads.
A little further along.
- I suppose we should wait. - Right. After three.
Right.
One,
two,
three.
(Cheering and applause)
(Theo) Well done.
Flat-bottomed, you see, very safe.
It's not like an ordinary boat. It's round, isn't it?
Yes, well, the planks came up a bit short.
But it's the best shape there is for a boat with regard to safety,
because in an emergency you can go anywhere you like.
It looks wonderful. It looks just like a dung beetle.
(Laughter)
- Why don't you call it the Jolly Roger? - No, not a good name.
- Are you sure it's safe? - Safe as houses.
It needs a sort of fat name.
- Er, Arbuckle? - Oh, yes.
Oh, tasteless.
- Ark. Call it Ark. - No.
Oh, all right. Here, Margo, you get hold of the nose. Give her the rope, Larry.
- And yes, Peter. - Yes?
Make yourself useful while Gerry thinks of a name, then we can christen her.
- If you jump in. - But this is a new suit.
In the boat, you fool, not the water.
We must breaks the bottles.
Right now, you see…
- Oh! - Careful.
- All right? - You see that socket there, Peter?
Yes, the one in front, yes, that's it. Put the mast in there.
- In the socket. - Oh, I see it.
Yes. Good lord, he's done it.
I know, I shall call it Bootle.
- (Mrs Durrell) Oh, that's a good name, dear. - I have heard of it.
I was gonna suggest Bumtrinket.
Why?
Well, it's a very fat name, Bumtrinket.
(Mrs Durrell) I've told you, Larry, you're not to teach Gerry things like that.
Wonderful. I shall call it the Bootle Bumtrinket.
Not in front of strangers, if you don't mind.
- All right. Well, she's ready to christen now. - Yes. Here is the wines, Gerry.
- I name this ship the Bootle Bumtrinket. - (Cheering)
(Screams) Oh, Peter!
(Laughter)
Well, what do you know?
- You want to drown him on purpose! - (Leslie) It's not deep enough.
(Larry) Oh, I don't know. A man can drown in a couple of inches.
(All laugh)
Oh, I hate you all! He'll drown!
He'll drown!
(Laughs) Oh, you are the most dreadful boys.
(Gerry) Thank you, Leslie. It's the most wonderful present.
You forgot the mast…
Well, I think perhaps my present is, erm…
Well, er, many happy returns of the day.
A small memento.
Perhaps in the circumstances, a welcome addition to your library.
- Life in Ponds and Streams. - (Laughs)
(Laughter continues)
I'm sorry.
I don't swim very well, Margo.
Oh, don't…
(Coughs)
You deliberately humiliated him!
(Shrieks)
Thank you, Mother, for a wonderful party.
Isn't my boat wonderful? And I got this book from Theodore.
Yes. What a party.
Good. Good.
Oh, what larks.
(Sighs)
What are you going to call the puppies?
Er, Widdle and, er…
Puke.
- What do you think, Theo? - Oh, another foot.
It's only four foot now.
All right, then.
Look what Mother's made.
Oh, marvellous. Hmm…
Gerry, going for a swim?
- Yes. - Do.
The best time for swimming on Corfu, the late afternoon.
Cooler than the, um…
Hm.
We're very far from the sea on this island.
Leslie, you're so clever.
Am l?
Oh. Well… You've got to know something about boats, haven't you?
And the sea and things.
Come on, then. Out you come.
It's ready. What do you think?
Oh, yes.
She looks very seaworthy.
Compact.
Yes. Compact.
- Well, it's just a matter of balance, really. - I like Mother's flag.
It's called a pennant. It shows you which way the wind's blowing, you see.
Jump in and we'll get her going.
You hold the stern, Theo.
Yes, er, yes. I'll just get this rowlock.
There. Lovely.
- Have the oars. - Yes.
- Ready? - Right.
And off you go.
Really quite stable.
Of course.
It works.
It works!
What a day!