1
00:00:00,000 --> 00:00:03,000
[upbeat rock music]

2
00:00:08,800 --> 00:00:11,759
Oh, wouldn't it be so
nice to have one of each?

3
00:00:11,760 --> 00:00:14,799
Yeah, one common and one not common.

4
00:00:14,800 --> 00:00:16,119
Oi, oi, saveloy!

5
00:00:16,120 --> 00:00:18,079
Hello, Mummy, how you feeling?

6
00:00:18,080 --> 00:00:18,920
Ready to drop?

7
00:00:18,921 --> 00:00:20,639
Well, I am feeling a little...

8
00:00:20,640 --> 00:00:21,759
- [balloon pops]
- [yelps]

9
00:00:21,760 --> 00:00:23,119
- George!
- Did that do anything?

10
00:00:23,120 --> 00:00:24,439
How's your waters, love?

11
00:00:24,440 --> 00:00:25,280
Bless.

12
00:00:25,281 --> 00:00:26,841
He can't wait for this baby to be born.

13
00:00:26,865 --> 00:00:27,959
Too right.

14
00:00:27,960 --> 00:00:29,839
I've got some serious heat on this.

15
00:00:29,840 --> 00:00:33,279
The baby better come today or
my accumulator goes tits up!

16
00:00:33,280 --> 00:00:34,719
What is he talking about?

17
00:00:34,720 --> 00:00:37,239
Listen, egghead, I had
Hamilton to win the Grand Prix,

18
00:00:37,240 --> 00:00:38,999
Villa to beat Liverpool 2-1,

19
00:00:39,000 --> 00:00:42,159
and April the 22nd for the royal sprog!

20
00:00:42,160 --> 00:00:43,719
How much have you bet on this?

21
00:00:43,720 --> 00:00:45,839
I bunged some of these
sparklers on it, didn't I?

22
00:00:45,840 --> 00:00:46,680
Diamonds?!

23
00:00:46,681 --> 00:00:48,879
You've not been stealing
off Great-Granny again?

24
00:00:48,880 --> 00:00:50,799
Nah, I got them somewhere else.

25
00:00:50,800 --> 00:00:52,439
Mentioning no Hatton Gardens.

26
00:00:52,440 --> 00:00:54,559
- Oi, oi.
- Well, don't look at me!

27
00:00:54,560 --> 00:00:56,919
The gambling gene's
definitely from your lot.

28
00:00:56,920 --> 00:00:58,359
- [laughs]
- Bang to rights!

29
00:00:58,360 --> 00:00:59,680
Come on, love, do your breathing.

30
00:00:59,704 --> 00:01:00,799
[panting]

31
00:01:00,800 --> 00:01:03,279
- [air horn wails]
- [yelps]

32
00:01:03,280 --> 00:01:06,679
[upbeat dance music]

33
00:01:06,680 --> 00:01:09,519
[Narrator] So, Nicola
left her light on for Ed.

34
00:01:09,520 --> 00:01:11,239
Well, let's see if they hit it off

35
00:01:11,240 --> 00:01:13,879
when we sent them to
the Isle of Fernando's.

36
00:01:13,880 --> 00:01:16,759
Let the bacon sandwich see the haggis.

37
00:01:16,760 --> 00:01:19,519
Well, first of all, let
me make it quite clear

38
00:01:19,520 --> 00:01:22,279
that I'm not actually going
to get into bed with Nicola.

39
00:01:22,280 --> 00:01:25,999
His mouth says no, but his
weird, goggly eyes say yes.

40
00:01:26,000 --> 00:01:27,159
We're a perfect fit.

41
00:01:27,160 --> 00:01:28,799
I love a man with a sense of humor.

42
00:01:28,800 --> 00:01:31,239
I still believe we'll end
up with a Labor majority.

43
00:01:31,240 --> 00:01:32,959
Ha, oh, that is classic.

44
00:01:32,960 --> 00:01:33,800
[laughs]

45
00:01:33,801 --> 00:01:35,119
Oh, deary me.

46
00:01:35,120 --> 00:01:37,439
It's all moving a bit fast for me.

47
00:01:37,440 --> 00:01:40,839
I wish I was here with Natalie
Thingy, that nice Welsh lady,

48
00:01:40,840 --> 00:01:42,999
or, better still, that
hen party from Chester.

49
00:01:43,000 --> 00:01:43,840
Ooh.

50
00:01:43,841 --> 00:01:45,761
I'm afraid Sturgeon's the
only thing on the menu.

51
00:01:45,785 --> 00:01:47,199
No likey.

52
00:01:47,200 --> 00:01:49,999
[Narrator] So, will Nicola get nickerless?

53
00:01:50,000 --> 00:01:52,319
or will Red Ed escape her bed?

54
00:01:52,320 --> 00:01:55,039
Let's cut to the chase, are
we gonna get it on or what?

55
00:01:55,040 --> 00:01:56,159
It's a no from me.

56
00:01:56,160 --> 00:01:57,040
Hell, no.

57
00:01:57,041 --> 00:02:00,879
But if we did do the
getting-into-bed thingy,

58
00:02:00,880 --> 00:02:01,800
who would be on top?

59
00:02:01,801 --> 00:02:04,159
I think we both know
the answer to that, Ed.

60
00:02:04,160 --> 00:02:06,479
I'm sorry, I'm just not ready for this.

61
00:02:06,480 --> 00:02:08,399
I don't want to end up looking stupid.

62
00:02:08,400 --> 00:02:10,839
- [groans]
- [loud crash]

63
00:02:10,840 --> 00:02:12,340
At least I tried.

64
00:02:13,200 --> 00:02:14,279
[loud thud]

65
00:02:14,280 --> 00:02:16,599
I'm afraid I've got some bad news, Jeremy.

66
00:02:16,600 --> 00:02:17,520
Hit me with it.

67
00:02:17,521 --> 00:02:19,079
Poor choice of words.

68
00:02:19,080 --> 00:02:20,399
As a precautionary measure,

69
00:02:20,400 --> 00:02:22,319
we're going to have to remove your tongue.

70
00:02:22,320 --> 00:02:25,199
But I thought you said
I didn't have cancer.

71
00:02:25,200 --> 00:02:26,599
It's nothing to do with cancer,

72
00:02:26,600 --> 00:02:28,119
it's just better for everyone.

73
00:02:28,120 --> 00:02:29,040
Now come here!

74
00:02:29,040 --> 00:02:30,040
Whoa!

75
00:02:30,041 --> 00:02:33,159
[epic orchestral music]

76
00:02:33,160 --> 00:02:36,799
I am a humongous fan of Star Wars.

77
00:02:36,800 --> 00:02:39,999
I often find myself saying
that Darth Vader line,

78
00:02:40,000 --> 00:02:41,479
"I am your father."

79
00:02:41,480 --> 00:02:44,119
And yours, and yours, and probably yours.

80
00:02:44,120 --> 00:02:44,960
Bah!

81
00:02:44,961 --> 00:02:46,319
Hello, this is Sky News.

82
00:02:46,320 --> 00:02:50,399
I'm Kay Burley, poking the news
with a stick until it cries.

83
00:02:50,400 --> 00:02:51,320
[hisses]

84
00:02:51,321 --> 00:02:53,799
With me is double Olympic
champion Mo Farah.

85
00:02:53,800 --> 00:02:56,359
So, Mo, what have you
got to say for yourself?

86
00:02:56,360 --> 00:02:59,119
Well, you know, I had to
kick hard off the last bend,

87
00:02:59,120 --> 00:03:00,319
but I finished strong...

88
00:03:00,320 --> 00:03:01,879
You know very well what I meant.

89
00:03:01,880 --> 00:03:03,799
I was talking about the latest atrocities

90
00:03:03,800 --> 00:03:05,519
committed by IS in Iraq.

91
00:03:05,520 --> 00:03:06,320
I'm sorry, what?

92
00:03:06,321 --> 00:03:07,799
Oh, you're sorry?

93
00:03:07,800 --> 00:03:10,040
Well, it's a little bit late
for apologies now, isn't it?

94
00:03:10,064 --> 00:03:11,679
What are you talking about?

95
00:03:11,680 --> 00:03:12,999
You're a Muslim, aren't you?

96
00:03:13,000 --> 00:03:14,559
- Yeah.
- And your name's Mohammed,

97
00:03:14,560 --> 00:03:16,439
- isn't it?
- Just because I'm a Muslim

98
00:03:16,440 --> 00:03:18,319
doesn't mean I support terrorism.

99
00:03:18,320 --> 00:03:19,200
You heard it!

100
00:03:19,201 --> 00:03:21,119
He said, "I support terrorism."

101
00:03:21,120 --> 00:03:22,159
His words.

102
00:03:22,160 --> 00:03:23,279
That's ridiculous!

103
00:03:23,280 --> 00:03:25,879
Listen, I need to get
back to my training camp.

104
00:03:25,880 --> 00:03:27,039
Your training camp?

105
00:03:27,040 --> 00:03:28,079
In Pakistan?

106
00:03:28,080 --> 00:03:29,559
No, in America.

107
00:03:29,560 --> 00:03:32,119
Look out, everybody, there's
a shoe bomber on the loose!

108
00:03:32,120 --> 00:03:33,439
[hisses]

109
00:03:33,440 --> 00:03:34,940
Ah, man.

110
00:03:38,480 --> 00:03:40,160
[Inspector] Just through here, Mr. Holmes.

111
00:03:40,184 --> 00:03:41,159
- Wait.
- Eh?

112
00:03:41,160 --> 00:03:42,439
Not so fast, Inspector.

113
00:03:42,440 --> 00:03:44,399
Moriarty has laid a booby trap for us.

114
00:03:44,400 --> 00:03:45,240
How do you know?

115
00:03:45,241 --> 00:03:46,521
From the faint smell of a candle

116
00:03:46,545 --> 00:03:48,279
which was blown out 13 minutes ago,

117
00:03:48,280 --> 00:03:49,719
together with these traces of mud

118
00:03:49,720 --> 00:03:52,400
which can only be found in
a certain pond in Ipswich.

119
00:03:53,440 --> 00:03:55,279
That and the fact that Moriarty

120
00:03:55,280 --> 00:03:56,560
always lays a booby trap for us.

121
00:03:56,561 --> 00:03:57,961
- [loud clack]
- [inspector screams]

122
00:03:57,985 --> 00:03:59,919
Oh, I have been killed down dead!

123
00:03:59,920 --> 00:04:00,760
[groans]

124
00:04:00,760 --> 00:04:02,260
Inspector?

125
00:04:04,080 --> 00:04:08,119
Put your weapon down or I will
attack you with, uh, logic.

126
00:04:08,120 --> 00:04:11,839
My sonic screwdriver scans
for injuries, opens locks,

127
00:04:11,840 --> 00:04:14,839
reverses the polarity of
stars, repairs grouting,

128
00:04:14,840 --> 00:04:16,999
and gets you out of a plot cul-de-sac.

129
00:04:17,000 --> 00:04:18,479
But it's no weapon,

130
00:04:18,480 --> 00:04:21,799
you great, stretched-out,
Picasso-faced numpty.

131
00:04:21,800 --> 00:04:23,959
Now, what are you doing in my show?

132
00:04:23,960 --> 00:04:24,920
Piss off!

133
00:04:24,920 --> 00:04:25,840
How dare you.

134
00:04:25,841 --> 00:04:28,559
This is most emphatically
my show that you are in.

135
00:04:28,560 --> 00:04:31,439
And that, you over-educated crackhead,

136
00:04:31,440 --> 00:04:33,799
is most emphatically bollocks.

137
00:04:33,800 --> 00:04:36,839
There's just been a
ridiculously overacted death.

138
00:04:36,840 --> 00:04:38,479
'Ere, do you mind?

139
00:04:38,480 --> 00:04:40,719
Which means it's an episode of Doctor Who,

140
00:04:40,720 --> 00:04:42,599
you pudding-headed bampot.

141
00:04:42,600 --> 00:04:44,879
Look, this investigation
clearly needs a rude,

142
00:04:44,880 --> 00:04:47,079
abrasive, borderline-autistic genius.

143
00:04:47,080 --> 00:04:49,919
Who's clever but annoying,
uncomfortable around women,

144
00:04:49,920 --> 00:04:51,479
and hard to make friends with.

145
00:04:51,480 --> 00:04:53,079
Sounds like a job for the Doctor.

146
00:04:53,080 --> 00:04:54,399
No, Sherlock Holmes.

147
00:04:54,400 --> 00:04:56,839
To solve this, you'll need
lots of silly gimmicks.

148
00:04:56,840 --> 00:04:59,959
For instance, I've deduced
that in exactly 30 seconds,

149
00:04:59,960 --> 00:05:01,480
a piece of metal is going to break off

150
00:05:01,504 --> 00:05:04,799
from a nearby skyscraper
and land exactly here.

151
00:05:04,800 --> 00:05:07,119
My sonic screwdriver
told me that hours ago,

152
00:05:07,120 --> 00:05:08,640
you posh-gobbed Sassenach.

153
00:05:09,480 --> 00:05:10,320
A-ha!

154
00:05:10,321 --> 00:05:12,121
What if I was to tell
you I'm not really dead,

155
00:05:12,145 --> 00:05:14,359
that I'm half-Moriarty and half-alien,

156
00:05:14,360 --> 00:05:17,959
and I plan to get rid of
both Doctor Who and Sherlock

157
00:05:17,960 --> 00:05:20,959
so that nothing can stop me
from enslaving the Earth?

158
00:05:20,960 --> 00:05:22,879
That's a totally ridiculous plot line.

159
00:05:22,880 --> 00:05:25,559
Yes, it's utterly implausible.

160
00:05:25,560 --> 00:05:26,959
[Both] Must be one of mine.

161
00:05:26,960 --> 00:05:28,879
Oh, somebody kill me.

162
00:05:28,880 --> 00:05:30,599
- [loud clunk]
- [screams]

163
00:05:30,600 --> 00:05:31,679
Told you.

164
00:05:31,680 --> 00:05:34,680
[upbeat rock music]

165
00:05:36,120 --> 00:05:37,519
- Kate?
- Cara?

166
00:05:37,520 --> 00:05:39,839
I've been thinking, how do we, like,

167
00:05:39,840 --> 00:05:41,039
even know we're really here?

168
00:05:41,040 --> 00:05:42,999
Like, you know, that
we really, like, exist?

169
00:05:43,000 --> 00:05:44,119
Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.

170
00:05:44,120 --> 00:05:45,959
That's, like, that's really deep, Cara.

171
00:05:45,960 --> 00:05:47,759
Oh, wait, I know.

172
00:05:47,760 --> 00:05:48,720
[camera snaps]

173
00:05:48,720 --> 00:05:49,600
There we are.

174
00:05:49,601 --> 00:05:50,639
That's me there.

175
00:05:50,640 --> 00:05:51,719
Oh, that's me!

176
00:05:51,720 --> 00:05:52,640
We do exist!

177
00:05:52,640 --> 00:05:53,640
Oh, thank God!

178
00:05:53,640 --> 00:05:54,480
Hooray.

179
00:05:54,480 --> 00:05:55,280
[laughs]

180
00:05:55,280 --> 00:05:56,780
- Whoa.
- Crazy.

181
00:05:57,680 --> 00:06:00,719
[Narrator] In a time of great austerity,

182
00:06:00,720 --> 00:06:04,759
one man promised he could end suffering.

183
00:06:04,760 --> 00:06:07,679
He was a prophet of profits.

184
00:06:07,680 --> 00:06:11,199
Blessed are the rich, for
we shall inherit the earth.

185
00:06:11,200 --> 00:06:13,639
[Narrator] The Passion Of Osborne.

186
00:06:13,640 --> 00:06:14,879
[cheering]

187
00:06:14,880 --> 00:06:17,479
A modern retelling of the Book of Gideon.

188
00:06:17,480 --> 00:06:19,800
Rise, and be healed of your deformity.

189
00:06:21,600 --> 00:06:24,279
By the inherited power
that surges through me,

190
00:06:24,280 --> 00:06:27,679
I reclassify you as abled.

191
00:06:27,680 --> 00:06:29,439
I take away your benefits.

192
00:06:29,440 --> 00:06:31,519
Go and get a job.

193
00:06:31,520 --> 00:06:32,360
- [loud thud]
- [groans]

194
00:06:32,361 --> 00:06:33,519
[Man] Jesus Christ!

195
00:06:33,520 --> 00:06:34,719
No, but you're close.

196
00:06:34,720 --> 00:06:36,319
George Osborne.

197
00:06:36,320 --> 00:06:37,599
'Tis a miracle.

198
00:06:37,600 --> 00:06:38,440
[Man] Miracle!

199
00:06:38,441 --> 00:06:39,759
- Miracle!
- It's a miracle!

200
00:06:39,760 --> 00:06:41,799
[Narrator] He was a man with a vision.

201
00:06:41,800 --> 00:06:44,679
If only I could turn water into wine,

202
00:06:44,680 --> 00:06:46,559
I could put VAT on it.

203
00:06:46,560 --> 00:06:49,439
[Narrator] And a message
of love, tough love.

204
00:06:49,440 --> 00:06:51,119
My family goes hungry.

205
00:06:51,120 --> 00:06:53,519
All we can afford is five
own-brand fish fingers

206
00:06:53,520 --> 00:06:55,279
and two slices of Sunblest.

207
00:06:55,280 --> 00:06:59,399
Let there be enough bread
and fishes for everyone.

208
00:06:59,400 --> 00:07:00,519
[crowd gasps]

209
00:07:00,520 --> 00:07:01,839
It's the same as before.

210
00:07:01,840 --> 00:07:02,720
[crowd groans]

211
00:07:02,720 --> 00:07:03,560
I know.

212
00:07:03,561 --> 00:07:05,919
But cut them up into tiny, tiny pieces

213
00:07:05,920 --> 00:07:07,919
and chew them very, very slowly

214
00:07:07,920 --> 00:07:10,119
and it'll feed your
family for a whole week.

215
00:07:10,120 --> 00:07:11,279
'Tis a miracle.

216
00:07:11,280 --> 00:07:12,200
No, it's not.

217
00:07:12,201 --> 00:07:13,319
He's a charlatan.

218
00:07:13,320 --> 00:07:14,680
[Man] Charlatan, he's a charlatan!

219
00:07:14,704 --> 00:07:16,204
- Charlatan!
- Boo!

220
00:07:17,720 --> 00:07:22,240
[Narrator] This spring, don't
miss The Passion of Osborne.

221
00:07:23,240 --> 00:07:24,240
You know, George,

222
00:07:24,241 --> 00:07:26,481
I've a feeling we're gonna
get crucified at the election.

223
00:07:26,505 --> 00:07:28,105
There is a God!

224
00:07:29,080 --> 00:07:30,580
[Narrator] Going soon.

225
00:07:31,280 --> 00:07:33,399
[Narrator] Meanwhile, in Highgrove,

226
00:07:33,400 --> 00:07:35,679
Chaz and Camilla are enjoying

227
00:07:35,680 --> 00:07:38,479
their fifth bottle of organic wine.

228
00:07:38,480 --> 00:07:39,839
[gurgles]

229
00:07:39,840 --> 00:07:41,799
[chuckles]

230
00:07:41,800 --> 00:07:42,800
Ooh, Chaz, look.

231
00:07:42,801 --> 00:07:44,399
It's Game of Thrones.

232
00:07:44,400 --> 00:07:45,999
Oh, please!

233
00:07:46,000 --> 00:07:47,839
A bunch of deranged inbreds,

234
00:07:47,840 --> 00:07:49,959
scrapping it out for
the chance to rule over

235
00:07:49,960 --> 00:07:54,159
an insignificant island of
backwards, filthy peasants?

236
00:07:54,160 --> 00:07:55,759
As if that would ever happen.

237
00:07:55,760 --> 00:07:57,199
The nudity's good, though.

238
00:07:57,200 --> 00:07:59,359
Ooh, come here, you.

239
00:07:59,360 --> 00:08:00,719
[slurping]

240
00:08:00,720 --> 00:08:03,679
[dog whines]

241
00:08:03,680 --> 00:08:04,520
[loud honking]

242
00:08:04,521 --> 00:08:06,021
Oh, I'm so sorry.

243
00:08:06,960 --> 00:08:09,519
Ah, the Star Wars trailer looks fantastic.

244
00:08:09,520 --> 00:08:11,159
High-tech drones killing people

245
00:08:11,160 --> 00:08:12,919
in a land that's far, far away.

246
00:08:12,920 --> 00:08:14,839
That's my kind of war!

247
00:08:14,840 --> 00:08:15,760
[knocking]

248
00:08:15,761 --> 00:08:17,799
Come in, but only if you're British.

249
00:08:17,800 --> 00:08:19,439
[Woman] Two minutes, Mr. Farage.

250
00:08:19,440 --> 00:08:21,199
Remember, Nige, if they don't like you,

251
00:08:21,200 --> 00:08:22,479
it's the audience's fault.

252
00:08:22,480 --> 00:08:23,360
Bunch of lefties.

253
00:08:23,361 --> 00:08:25,360
Now, let's get into character.

254
00:08:26,760 --> 00:08:28,719
♪ I'm just an ordinary bloke ♪

255
00:08:28,720 --> 00:08:30,399
♪ I like a drink, I like a smoke ♪

256
00:08:30,400 --> 00:08:33,599
♪ I'm proud to say I'm
British through and through ♪

257
00:08:33,600 --> 00:08:35,319
♪ I love pie and mash and kippers ♪

258
00:08:35,320 --> 00:08:36,999
♪ I watch Top Gear in me slippers ♪

259
00:08:37,000 --> 00:08:38,039
♪ I am down-to-earth ♪

260
00:08:38,040 --> 00:08:40,399
- ♪ Like any one of you ♪
- Ahem.

261
00:08:40,400 --> 00:08:42,119
♪ But you really went to Dulwich ♪

262
00:08:42,120 --> 00:08:43,759
♪ An expensive private college ♪

263
00:08:43,760 --> 00:08:47,159
♪ Where the boarding fees
are 30 grand a year ♪

264
00:08:47,160 --> 00:08:48,879
♪ Then you went into the city ♪

265
00:08:48,880 --> 00:08:50,559
♪ Where you know you made a pretty ♪

266
00:08:50,560 --> 00:08:52,319
♪ Packet picking up a bonus ♪

267
00:08:52,320 --> 00:08:53,999
- ♪ Every year ♪
- No!

268
00:08:54,000 --> 00:08:55,999
♪ I'm just an ordinary guy ♪

269
00:08:56,000 --> 00:08:57,799
♪ Who has to struggle to get by ♪

270
00:08:57,800 --> 00:09:00,799
♪ Hardly got a pot in which to piss ♪

271
00:09:00,800 --> 00:09:02,519
♪ I don't like foreign lingo ♪

272
00:09:02,520 --> 00:09:04,239
♪ I like John, Paul, George, and Ringo ♪

273
00:09:04,240 --> 00:09:07,639
♪ Poles and Romanians, I love to diss ♪

274
00:09:07,640 --> 00:09:09,319
♪ I think foreigners are vermin ♪

275
00:09:09,320 --> 00:09:11,079
♪ But, hang on, your wife's a German ♪

276
00:09:11,080 --> 00:09:12,559
♪ I'm English to the core ♪

277
00:09:12,560 --> 00:09:13,879
♪ That's just a show ♪

278
00:09:13,880 --> 00:09:15,480
- Sod off!
- ♪ I'll admit you've played ♪

279
00:09:15,504 --> 00:09:16,240
♪ A smart game ♪

280
00:09:16,241 --> 00:09:17,839
♪ But you've got a foreign surname ♪

281
00:09:17,840 --> 00:09:20,799
♪ And your ancestors from
France were Huguenot ♪

282
00:09:20,800 --> 00:09:21,640
- No!
- Yes!

283
00:09:21,641 --> 00:09:23,399
- No!
- Yes, mais oui!

284
00:09:23,400 --> 00:09:25,759
♪ Hey, I'm just an ordinary man ♪

285
00:09:25,760 --> 00:09:27,399
♪ Who's doing everything he can ♪

286
00:09:27,400 --> 00:09:30,639
♪ To fight against corruption,
greed, and sleaze ♪

287
00:09:30,640 --> 00:09:32,239
♪ Even when I am in Brussels ♪

288
00:09:32,240 --> 00:09:33,999
♪ I eat cockles, whelks, and mussels ♪

289
00:09:34,000 --> 00:09:37,439
♪ I'm not like all those fat-cat MEPs ♪

290
00:09:37,440 --> 00:09:39,079
♪ But what doesn't quite make sense is ♪

291
00:09:39,080 --> 00:09:40,759
♪ You've been claiming your expenses ♪

292
00:09:40,760 --> 00:09:44,239
♪ Maybe half a million
quid over the years ♪

293
00:09:44,240 --> 00:09:45,839
♪ You're abusing your position ♪

294
00:09:45,840 --> 00:09:47,599
♪ Just like any politician ♪

295
00:09:47,600 --> 00:09:49,239
♪ But it seems that no one's noticed ♪

296
00:09:49,240 --> 00:09:50,919
[laughs]

297
00:09:50,920 --> 00:09:52,420
Cheers!

298
00:09:52,800 --> 00:09:54,119
♪ Da da da da da da, da ♪

299
00:09:54,120 --> 00:09:56,639
♪ Da da da da da da, da da da ♪

300
00:09:56,640 --> 00:09:58,199
I say, old bean, got any champagne?

301
00:09:58,200 --> 00:09:59,080
Shut it.

302
00:09:59,081 --> 00:10:00,399
[belches]

303
00:10:00,400 --> 00:10:02,599
A boy band called Boy Band.

304
00:10:02,600 --> 00:10:03,480
Genius.

305
00:10:03,481 --> 00:10:07,239
Simon, why is your production
company called Syco?

306
00:10:07,240 --> 00:10:11,559
Okay, Amanda, well, it's Sy
from Simon and Co from Cowell.

307
00:10:11,560 --> 00:10:12,759
- Syco.
- Right.

308
00:10:12,760 --> 00:10:15,039
Sort of like SuBo and J-Lo?

309
00:10:15,040 --> 00:10:16,679
- Yeah.
- In that case,

310
00:10:16,680 --> 00:10:19,399
I want to be called A-Ho.

311
00:10:19,400 --> 00:10:21,639
You want to be called a ho?

312
00:10:21,640 --> 00:10:23,039
Yes. No!

313
00:10:23,040 --> 00:10:24,679
[laughs]

314
00:10:24,680 --> 00:10:25,520
A ho.

315
00:10:25,520 --> 00:10:26,320
Blimey.

316
00:10:26,321 --> 00:10:28,199
That's definitely not right.

317
00:10:28,200 --> 00:10:31,119
Amanda, darling, you are an A-hole.

318
00:10:31,120 --> 00:10:32,279
That's it.

319
00:10:32,280 --> 00:10:33,120
A-Hole.

320
00:10:33,120 --> 00:10:33,920
Thank you.

321
00:10:33,921 --> 00:10:35,199
I can't wait to tell Alesha.

322
00:10:35,200 --> 00:10:38,280
Hey, Alesha Dixon, she can be A-Dick.

323
00:10:40,680 --> 00:10:41,520
Booyakasha.

324
00:10:41,520 --> 00:10:42,400
I'm Evan Davis.

325
00:10:42,401 --> 00:10:45,519
Sort of like a gay Mitchell
brother who reads the Guardian.

326
00:10:45,520 --> 00:10:47,799
On tonight's
not-at-all-dumbed-down Newz Nite,

327
00:10:47,800 --> 00:10:49,519
I'll be having top-quality bants

328
00:10:49,520 --> 00:10:51,919
with Green Party leader Natalie Thingy.

329
00:10:51,920 --> 00:10:53,799
OMG, sick, LOL.

330
00:10:53,800 --> 00:10:56,519
Natalie, some people are saying
that for a political leader,

331
00:10:56,520 --> 00:10:58,519
you aren't very good with figures.

332
00:10:58,520 --> 00:10:59,360
Look, mate,

333
00:10:59,361 --> 00:11:02,399
I just got confused in that
Nick Ferrari interview.

334
00:11:02,400 --> 00:11:03,759
And in the Andrew Neil interview.

335
00:11:03,760 --> 00:11:06,159
Okay, so it's happened three times.

336
00:11:06,160 --> 00:11:08,679
No, Ferrari and Neil, that's twice.

337
00:11:08,680 --> 00:11:09,520
Twice?

338
00:11:09,521 --> 00:11:10,799
You mean four times?

339
00:11:10,800 --> 00:11:12,559
No, twice means two times.

340
00:11:12,560 --> 00:11:15,319
Okay, I admit it, maths
has never been my thirte.

341
00:11:15,320 --> 00:11:16,160
You mean forte.

342
00:11:16,160 --> 00:11:17,120
I don't need to listen to this.

343
00:11:17,121 --> 00:11:20,119
This is the last time I come on BBC 9.

344
00:11:20,120 --> 00:11:21,620
Taxi!

345
00:11:22,200 --> 00:11:25,039
Uh, does anyone know my house number?

346
00:11:25,040 --> 00:11:26,540
Shakaboom!

347
00:11:27,920 --> 00:11:32,079
[Narrator] Still available
to buy, Vladimir Putin 2015.

348
00:11:32,080 --> 00:11:35,599
My sexy new calendar for women only

349
00:11:35,600 --> 00:11:37,400
and not to be liked by men.

350
00:11:38,280 --> 00:11:39,679
[Narrator] Check out April.

351
00:11:39,680 --> 00:11:43,239
Ooh, I bet you'd like to
get your hands on my weapon.

352
00:11:43,240 --> 00:11:44,879
But are you man enough?

353
00:11:44,880 --> 00:11:46,719
I mean, woman enough?

354
00:11:46,720 --> 00:11:48,879
- [chuckles]
- And don't miss June.

355
00:11:48,880 --> 00:11:50,279
I like play tennis.

356
00:11:50,280 --> 00:11:53,919
Is not girly sport, but real man's game.

357
00:11:53,920 --> 00:11:56,000
Look at my firm grip on the shaft.

358
00:11:56,920 --> 00:11:59,759
Ah, I couldn't find tennis ball.

359
00:11:59,760 --> 00:12:00,680
[loud squeal]

360
00:12:00,681 --> 00:12:03,839
So, I ripped off one of my own testicles.

361
00:12:03,840 --> 00:12:05,799
- [loud splat]
- New balls, please.

362
00:12:05,800 --> 00:12:10,559
So, buy my sexy calendar now
or I'll fly more bombers in.

363
00:12:10,560 --> 00:12:12,039
You know I will.

364
00:12:12,040 --> 00:12:16,359
[dramatic synthesizer music]

365
00:12:16,360 --> 00:12:17,599
Looking for action, love?

366
00:12:17,600 --> 00:12:19,599
Uh, will you talk dirty to me?

367
00:12:19,600 --> 00:12:21,079
- [grunts]
- [loud thud]

368
00:12:21,080 --> 00:12:22,399
I'll talk dirty for you.

369
00:12:22,400 --> 00:12:23,280
Sick as you like.

370
00:12:23,281 --> 00:12:25,199
Filthy as a coal miner's neck.

371
00:12:25,200 --> 00:12:26,319
Katie Hopkins?

372
00:12:26,320 --> 00:12:27,200
What do you want, darling?

373
00:12:27,201 --> 00:12:29,679
I'll say literally anything
if the price is right.

374
00:12:29,680 --> 00:12:31,759
Just bung us some cash
and I'll puke you out

375
00:12:31,760 --> 00:12:34,399
a gob-full of knee-jerk,
pretend-angry drivel.

376
00:12:34,400 --> 00:12:37,399
I'm like Jeremy Clarkson with a vagina.

377
00:12:37,400 --> 00:12:39,199
Full of wasps.

378
00:12:39,200 --> 00:12:42,359
- [glugging]
- [man groans]

379
00:12:42,360 --> 00:12:43,240
- [loud thud]
- [cat screeches]

380
00:12:43,241 --> 00:12:46,119
Okay, for a tenner, I'll give
you a bit of my Sun column

381
00:12:46,120 --> 00:12:48,719
and say something like, all
migrants are cockroaches.

382
00:12:48,720 --> 00:12:50,679
We should set fire to their boats.

383
00:12:50,680 --> 00:12:52,319
Oh, that's filthy.

384
00:12:52,320 --> 00:12:53,599
[cat mews]

385
00:12:53,600 --> 00:12:55,039
Oh, my God.

386
00:12:55,040 --> 00:12:56,559
Cat piss and nettles.

387
00:12:56,560 --> 00:12:57,719
Got to stoke the boiler.

388
00:12:57,720 --> 00:13:00,319
For a hundred pounds, I'd give
you a Loose Women Special,

389
00:13:00,320 --> 00:13:02,999
and say something like,
hey, rape's not so bad.

390
00:13:03,000 --> 00:13:05,839
Sometimes, it can be
relaxing and refreshing.

391
00:13:05,840 --> 00:13:07,439
Or, if you gave me 500 pounds,

392
00:13:07,440 --> 00:13:09,119
I'd do you a full-blown Newsnight,

393
00:13:09,120 --> 00:13:12,119
denounce Islam, then set
fire to Malala's headscarf

394
00:13:12,120 --> 00:13:13,399
and punch her in the tits.

395
00:13:13,400 --> 00:13:14,360
Oh, you're sick.

396
00:13:14,361 --> 00:13:16,079
Have you seen her monobrow?

397
00:13:16,080 --> 00:13:18,639
Come on, love, just because
you've been shot in the head,

398
00:13:18,640 --> 00:13:20,999
doesn't mean you can't
work a pair of tweezers.

399
00:13:21,000 --> 00:13:22,279
How can you say that?!

400
00:13:22,280 --> 00:13:23,679
I know, I'm the best.

401
00:13:23,680 --> 00:13:25,399
Stop, I'll give you a thousand pounds.

402
00:13:25,400 --> 00:13:26,400
A grand?

403
00:13:26,401 --> 00:13:28,679
Wow, what do you want me to say for that?

404
00:13:28,680 --> 00:13:31,599
Nothing, just shut your
bloody gob, you parasite!

405
00:13:31,600 --> 00:13:34,599
[mumbling]

406
00:13:34,600 --> 00:13:37,239
[epic orchestral music]

407
00:13:37,240 --> 00:13:40,079
It's great to see Harrison
Ford back at the age of 72,

408
00:13:40,080 --> 00:13:43,199
and I, for one, think he
makes a perfectly convincing

409
00:13:43,200 --> 00:13:46,079
space cowboy and is in no
way too old for the job.

410
00:13:46,080 --> 00:13:47,959
Right, time for my nap.

411
00:13:47,960 --> 00:13:49,279
- [snores]
- [loud thud]

412
00:13:49,280 --> 00:13:52,639
[upbeat dance music]

413
00:13:52,640 --> 00:13:54,879
Hello, and welcome to Embarrassing Bodies.

414
00:13:54,880 --> 00:13:57,439
If you're a fan of
excruciating embarrassment,

415
00:13:57,440 --> 00:13:59,759
you're in for a treat,
as on tonight's show,

416
00:13:59,760 --> 00:14:01,959
we've got Labor leader Ed Miliband.

417
00:14:01,960 --> 00:14:02,880
Hi there.

418
00:14:02,881 --> 00:14:03,999
Now, what's the problem?

419
00:14:04,000 --> 00:14:05,359
It's my skin.

420
00:14:05,360 --> 00:14:06,560
Oh, excellent, so, what is it?

421
00:14:06,584 --> 00:14:09,719
Lesions, pustules, weeping sores?

422
00:14:09,720 --> 00:14:12,239
No, I just don't feel comfortable in it.

423
00:14:12,240 --> 00:14:14,639
My skin just doesn't fit.

424
00:14:14,640 --> 00:14:15,480
See?

425
00:14:15,481 --> 00:14:16,959
Nothing about me fits.

426
00:14:16,960 --> 00:14:18,759
I'm just wrong.

427
00:14:18,760 --> 00:14:22,199
What I need is a version
of me that's like me,

428
00:14:22,200 --> 00:14:25,239
but completely at ease in their own skin.

429
00:14:25,240 --> 00:14:27,479
Are you gonna call your
brother or shall I?

430
00:14:27,480 --> 00:14:28,360
Ow.

431
00:14:28,361 --> 00:14:31,920
[upbeat synthesizer music]

432
00:14:46,760 --> 00:14:51,760
I never thought I'd say
this, but it's a no from me.

433
00:14:51,920 --> 00:14:53,759
[siren wailing]

434
00:14:53,760 --> 00:14:54,560
Name?

435
00:14:54,561 --> 00:14:56,799
It's TV's Paul Hollywood.

436
00:14:56,800 --> 00:15:00,119
The Prince of Pastry,
the Don Juan of Dough.

437
00:15:00,120 --> 00:15:01,359
You're not on the guest list.

438
00:15:01,360 --> 00:15:02,399
Look again.

439
00:15:02,400 --> 00:15:03,759
Paul Hollywood.

440
00:15:03,760 --> 00:15:05,959
The Romeo of the Rolling Pin.

441
00:15:05,960 --> 00:15:08,319
Eyes that can simultaneously weigh up

442
00:15:08,320 --> 00:15:11,519
an ounce of icing sugar
and reverse a hysterectomy.

443
00:15:11,520 --> 00:15:12,639
[chuckles]

444
00:15:12,640 --> 00:15:13,520
Nope.

445
00:15:13,521 --> 00:15:14,801
I'm sorry, you're not coming in.

446
00:15:14,825 --> 00:15:15,640
Come on.

447
00:15:15,641 --> 00:15:17,919
You know later, when
your husband's asleep,

448
00:15:17,920 --> 00:15:22,639
I'll be haunting your dreams,
like a sexy baking ghost.

449
00:15:22,640 --> 00:15:24,319
For one, I'm not married.

450
00:15:24,320 --> 00:15:25,759
Ooh, a bit forward.

451
00:15:25,760 --> 00:15:27,199
Sorry, I'm taken.

452
00:15:27,200 --> 00:15:30,239
Paul Holly-would, Paul Holly-can't.

453
00:15:30,240 --> 00:15:32,159
Although, Paul Holly-might,

454
00:15:32,160 --> 00:15:35,199
if you let me explore your inner sanctum.

455
00:15:35,200 --> 00:15:37,079
I'm giving you 10 seconds to leave.

456
00:15:37,080 --> 00:15:38,799
Oh, I love it when you're bossy.

457
00:15:38,800 --> 00:15:40,159
10, nine...

458
00:15:40,160 --> 00:15:42,239
Is he doing his
chef-with-the-biggest-rolling-pin

459
00:15:42,240 --> 00:15:43,679
- act again?
- [Paul chuckles]

460
00:15:43,680 --> 00:15:45,320
Come on, Paul, stop embarrassing yourself

461
00:15:45,344 --> 00:15:46,879
and let's get you home for tea.

462
00:15:46,880 --> 00:15:47,800
Tea?

463
00:15:47,800 --> 00:15:48,800
Cheeky.

464
00:15:48,801 --> 00:15:50,999
I'll be chef if you play mother.

465
00:15:51,000 --> 00:15:52,599
- [loud thud]
- [groans]

466
00:15:52,600 --> 00:15:54,279
Right in the rock cakes.

467
00:15:54,280 --> 00:15:55,639
- [groans]
- [loud thud]

468
00:15:55,640 --> 00:15:58,799
[upbeat rock music]

469
00:15:58,800 --> 00:15:59,919
Hello, campers.

470
00:15:59,920 --> 00:16:02,759
On a jam-packed show tonight, we've got,

471
00:16:02,760 --> 00:16:05,919
oh, he's a Right Honorable
Member, Ed Balls.

472
00:16:05,920 --> 00:16:06,760
Hello.

473
00:16:06,761 --> 00:16:09,759
Stargazy, salt-and-pepper,
super-boffin Brian Cox.

474
00:16:09,760 --> 00:16:12,239
- All right?
- And, ooh, get this one,

475
00:16:12,240 --> 00:16:17,119
we've only got His Royal
Highness himself, Prince William!

476
00:16:17,120 --> 00:16:18,559
- Hi.
- So, coming up

477
00:16:18,560 --> 00:16:22,079
we've got Cox, Balls, and Prince Willy!

478
00:16:22,080 --> 00:16:23,839
Cox, Balls, and Willy.

479
00:16:23,840 --> 00:16:26,159
Cox, Balls, and Willy!

480
00:16:26,160 --> 00:16:27,959
Cox, Balls, and Willy!

481
00:16:27,960 --> 00:16:30,599
Cox, Balls, and Willy!

482
00:16:30,600 --> 00:16:32,519
- Cox, Balls, and Willy!
- [steam whistling]

483
00:16:32,520 --> 00:16:34,399
Cox, Balls, and Willy!

484
00:16:34,400 --> 00:16:36,159
Cox, Balls, and Willy!

485
00:16:36,160 --> 00:16:38,719
[loud boom]

486
00:16:38,720 --> 00:16:40,519
Cox, Balls, and Willy.

487
00:16:40,520 --> 00:16:44,199
Ha, never mind the trailer,
I've seen the whole movie.

488
00:16:44,200 --> 00:16:46,799
I hacked the movie studio computer.

489
00:16:46,800 --> 00:16:47,600
Mm!

490
00:16:47,601 --> 00:16:49,759
Anyway, I don't like Star Wars

491
00:16:49,760 --> 00:16:52,519
because the evil empire never wins.

492
00:16:52,520 --> 00:16:54,319
[upbeat orchestral music]

493
00:16:54,320 --> 00:16:56,599
- [loud crash]
- Woo-hoo!

494
00:16:56,600 --> 00:16:58,279
- [loud thud]
- [loud crash]

495
00:16:58,280 --> 00:17:00,559
Whoops, oh, no matter,
it's only Maggie's ashes.

496
00:17:00,560 --> 00:17:01,879
[laughs]

497
00:17:01,880 --> 00:17:03,599
Ah, Boris, thanks for dropping by.

498
00:17:03,600 --> 00:17:04,480
Oh, sorry I'm late.

499
00:17:04,481 --> 00:17:06,360
Engineering works on the old zip-wire.

500
00:17:07,280 --> 00:17:09,519
Anyway, what can I do for you?

501
00:17:09,520 --> 00:17:12,399
Well, the thing is we've
commissioned some research

502
00:17:12,400 --> 00:17:16,399
and, apparently, for some
reason, people don't like us.

503
00:17:16,400 --> 00:17:20,079
And yet, incredibly, Boris,
they seem to like you.

504
00:17:20,080 --> 00:17:20,920
Really?

505
00:17:20,921 --> 00:17:24,959
Gosh, shucks, and other
insincere protestations.

506
00:17:24,960 --> 00:17:26,399
Our research has found that

507
00:17:26,400 --> 00:17:29,359
while people don't like rich
bullies and don't like clowns,

508
00:17:29,360 --> 00:17:31,199
when you put the two together,

509
00:17:31,200 --> 00:17:33,159
you can apparently get away with it.

510
00:17:33,160 --> 00:17:34,000
Huzzah!

511
00:17:34,001 --> 00:17:35,199
We need you to show us

512
00:17:35,200 --> 00:17:37,879
how to get away with being truly terrible.

513
00:17:37,880 --> 00:17:41,480
Well, you just need to use
your natural charm and wit.

514
00:17:42,720 --> 00:17:44,960
Okay, plan B: clown school.

515
00:17:46,800 --> 00:17:48,759
So, chaps, say you've
wimped out of a debate

516
00:17:48,760 --> 00:17:51,599
and everyone thinks you're
a gutless jellyfish.

517
00:17:51,600 --> 00:17:53,279
Could happen, could happen.

518
00:17:53,280 --> 00:17:56,239
What level of japery would deflect

519
00:17:56,240 --> 00:17:58,799
everyone's attention from that?

520
00:17:58,800 --> 00:17:59,600
Oh, I know.

521
00:17:59,600 --> 00:18:01,100
Spinny tie.

522
00:18:01,880 --> 00:18:03,599
Not bad, Cammers, not bad.

523
00:18:03,600 --> 00:18:05,079
Everyone loves the spinny tie,

524
00:18:05,080 --> 00:18:08,959
but this is a real
stinker of a PR disaster,

525
00:18:08,960 --> 00:18:10,959
so can we do better?

526
00:18:10,960 --> 00:18:12,959
Ooh, ooh, ooh, custard pie?

527
00:18:12,960 --> 00:18:15,559
No, that's for minor faux pas.

528
00:18:15,560 --> 00:18:17,060
Is it this?

529
00:18:17,640 --> 00:18:20,879
- [firework whistling]
- [all whimpering]

530
00:18:20,880 --> 00:18:22,119
- (groans
- (loud splat)

531
00:18:22,120 --> 00:18:23,120
[loud thud]

532
00:18:23,120 --> 00:18:24,000
Correct!

533
00:18:24,001 --> 00:18:25,319
Ah, well done, Cammers.

534
00:18:25,320 --> 00:18:26,960
Set off some fireworks and fall backwards

535
00:18:26,984 --> 00:18:28,839
into a nearby houseplant or hedge.

536
00:18:28,840 --> 00:18:30,240
Well, that's just about covered it.

537
00:18:30,241 --> 00:18:31,521
Must be off on the old zip-wire.

538
00:18:31,545 --> 00:18:33,039
I was meaning to ask,

539
00:18:33,040 --> 00:18:36,319
why do you have a zip-wire
set up to Number 10?

540
00:18:36,320 --> 00:18:37,759
Forward planning, old boy.

541
00:18:37,760 --> 00:18:39,360
Forward planning.

542
00:18:40,720 --> 00:18:42,439
[Narrator] Vladimir Putin calendars,

543
00:18:42,440 --> 00:18:45,039
still available in all good Russian shops.

544
00:18:45,040 --> 00:18:46,639
Unlike fresh fruit.

545
00:18:46,640 --> 00:18:48,519
[Narrator] You'll love August.

546
00:18:48,520 --> 00:18:51,879
For next holiday, I go to Isle of Man.

547
00:18:51,880 --> 00:18:54,559
Is manly place for manly men.

548
00:18:54,560 --> 00:18:58,079
I plan to spend a couple of
nights in Douglas, [chuckles]

549
00:18:58,080 --> 00:18:59,799
which is the capital.

550
00:18:59,800 --> 00:19:01,559
[Narrator] And there's also December.

551
00:19:01,560 --> 00:19:02,879
Or is there?

552
00:19:02,880 --> 00:19:03,760
Boom!

553
00:19:03,761 --> 00:19:05,999
There might never be another December.

554
00:19:06,000 --> 00:19:07,039
[laughs]

555
00:19:07,040 --> 00:19:08,679
Just kidding.

556
00:19:08,680 --> 00:19:10,239
No, I'm not.

557
00:19:10,240 --> 00:19:13,959
So, hurry, get your
copy of Putin calendar,

558
00:19:13,960 --> 00:19:16,079
while world lasts.

559
00:19:16,080 --> 00:19:18,239
[Narrator] Calendar not
available in Eastern Ukraine,

560
00:19:18,240 --> 00:19:19,839
because there is no such place.

561
00:19:19,840 --> 00:19:21,079
It's part of Russia.

562
00:19:21,080 --> 00:19:22,119
Is true.

563
00:19:22,120 --> 00:19:23,620
Knowing wink.

564
00:19:24,600 --> 00:19:27,199
[door clacking]

565
00:19:27,200 --> 00:19:28,040
- Oi!
- Eh?

566
00:19:28,041 --> 00:19:29,479
What the hell's going on?

567
00:19:29,480 --> 00:19:31,639
Don't worry, everything's under control.

568
00:19:31,640 --> 00:19:33,239
He's burgling your house,

569
00:19:33,240 --> 00:19:35,919
but I'm here as a moderating influence.

570
00:19:35,920 --> 00:19:37,399
He's taking my things!

571
00:19:37,400 --> 00:19:40,759
I know, but not as many
things as he would have taken

572
00:19:40,760 --> 00:19:43,199
if good old Cleggy
hadn't been on his case.

573
00:19:43,200 --> 00:19:44,479
- [whistles]
- [chuckles]

574
00:19:44,480 --> 00:19:46,519
- Lovely.
- But, but how did he get in?

575
00:19:46,520 --> 00:19:48,519
Well, he couldn't get in on his own,

576
00:19:48,520 --> 00:19:50,199
so I gave him a helping hand.

577
00:19:50,200 --> 00:19:51,839
He's robbing me blind!

578
00:19:51,840 --> 00:19:53,559
Ah, well, watch this.

579
00:19:53,560 --> 00:19:54,879
Okay, stop now.

580
00:19:54,880 --> 00:19:55,959
That's quite enough.

581
00:19:55,960 --> 00:19:56,840
Piss off.

582
00:19:56,841 --> 00:19:57,959
- [loud slap]
- [groans]

583
00:19:57,960 --> 00:20:01,119
If you're lucky, you'll get
another five years of this.

584
00:20:01,120 --> 00:20:02,839
I'm so excited.

585
00:20:02,840 --> 00:20:05,999
As a young boy and
aspiring astrophysicist,

586
00:20:06,000 --> 00:20:08,799
I would gaze at the stars
from my bedroom window

587
00:20:08,800 --> 00:20:12,639
and think about Princess Leia's
baps in that metal bikini.

588
00:20:12,640 --> 00:20:14,140
Amazing.

589
00:20:15,720 --> 00:20:18,519
[Narrator] You join us today
for this historic ceremony.

590
00:20:18,520 --> 00:20:21,039
It is rare indeed for
a Royal to acknowledge

591
00:20:21,040 --> 00:20:23,599
that the passage of time
means they can no longer

592
00:20:23,600 --> 00:20:25,279
properly perform their state duties

593
00:20:25,280 --> 00:20:28,279
and must hand the mantle
onto the younger generation.

594
00:20:28,280 --> 00:20:29,559
Yes!

595
00:20:29,560 --> 00:20:30,639
At last!

596
00:20:30,640 --> 00:20:31,839
Not me.

597
00:20:31,840 --> 00:20:33,079
- Philip!
- Oh.

598
00:20:33,080 --> 00:20:36,559
Yeah, shut up, you jug-eared buffoon.

599
00:20:36,560 --> 00:20:38,759
Let the little leek-muncher
get on with it.

600
00:20:38,760 --> 00:20:40,799
[Narrator] Thank you, I suppose.

601
00:20:40,800 --> 00:20:43,319
And His Royal Highness
Prince Philip now prepares

602
00:20:43,320 --> 00:20:45,800
to hand over the
ceremonial stick of office,

603
00:20:46,960 --> 00:20:49,679
along with the title Offender of the Realm

604
00:20:49,680 --> 00:20:52,319
to his successor, Jeremy Clarkson.

605
00:20:52,320 --> 00:20:54,719
My, what a massive knob.

606
00:20:54,720 --> 00:20:56,559
And so's the thing he's holding.

607
00:20:56,560 --> 00:20:58,319
Oh, he's good, isn't he?

608
00:20:58,320 --> 00:20:59,280
Yeah.

609
00:20:59,281 --> 00:21:01,039
Do you swear to travel the world

610
00:21:01,040 --> 00:21:03,079
and racially insult everybody you meet,

611
00:21:03,080 --> 00:21:05,999
no matter how old, infirm,
or defenseless they are?

612
00:21:06,000 --> 00:21:08,879
I do, you slitty-eyed plate-smasher.

613
00:21:08,880 --> 00:21:10,839
Do you swear to swear?

614
00:21:10,840 --> 00:21:12,239
I fucking do.

615
00:21:12,240 --> 00:21:15,439
And finally, do you swear
to embarrass your family

616
00:21:15,440 --> 00:21:17,159
and bring disgrace on the nation?

617
00:21:17,160 --> 00:21:19,999
I do indeed, you doddery old moussaka.

618
00:21:20,000 --> 00:21:22,399
You offensive fuzzy-haired git!

619
00:21:22,400 --> 00:21:23,559
- [loud clunk]
- [groans]

620
00:21:23,560 --> 00:21:25,439
You're a worthy successor.

621
00:21:25,440 --> 00:21:29,279
Oh, you just hit me for no good reason.

622
00:21:29,280 --> 00:21:31,039
You're my kind of guy.

623
00:21:31,040 --> 00:21:34,959
Then I hereby name thee
Offender of the Realm.

624
00:21:34,960 --> 00:21:38,959
May you forever disgust all
liberal broadsheet readers.

625
00:21:38,960 --> 00:21:41,519
Congratulations, Mr. Clarkson.

626
00:21:41,520 --> 00:21:44,239
I'm surprised you didn't
go with Katie Hopkins.

627
00:21:44,240 --> 00:21:45,759
How did you choose?

628
00:21:45,760 --> 00:21:48,759
Hm, eeny, meeny, miny, moe, catch a...

629
00:21:48,760 --> 00:21:50,039
Don't push it.

630
00:21:50,040 --> 00:21:52,040
[upbeat rock music]