1 00:00:00,200 --> 00:00:02,600 [rock music] 2 00:00:08,600 --> 00:00:12,239 Yeah I did indeed convene with that there Edward Miliband. 3 00:00:12,240 --> 00:00:13,639 He's a weird-looking idealist 4 00:00:13,640 --> 00:00:17,199 what pontificates unrealistic political claptrap. 5 00:00:17,200 --> 00:00:19,239 So we had nothing in common. 6 00:00:19,240 --> 00:00:20,740 I'm hotter than him an' all! 7 00:00:22,760 --> 00:00:24,639 Darling, my water's broken! 8 00:00:24,640 --> 00:00:26,399 Don't worry, it's Bupa, darling, 9 00:00:26,400 --> 00:00:27,639 they'll have another bottle. 10 00:00:27,640 --> 00:00:29,759 No, no, I mean the baby's coming! 11 00:00:29,760 --> 00:00:30,720 What? Right. 12 00:00:30,721 --> 00:00:32,519 Action stations, all hands on deck! 13 00:00:32,520 --> 00:00:33,520 Man the lifeboats! 14 00:00:33,521 --> 00:00:35,119 Hurry, call the midwife! 15 00:00:35,120 --> 00:00:36,239 [crashing] 16 00:00:36,240 --> 00:00:37,120 What ho! 17 00:00:37,121 --> 00:00:39,079 Yes, you're in luck, it's me! 18 00:00:39,080 --> 00:00:43,039 Don't worry, your Royal Highness, your Royal Middleness, 19 00:00:43,040 --> 00:00:44,040 you're in safe... 20 00:00:44,041 --> 00:00:45,519 [screaming] 21 00:00:45,520 --> 00:00:46,799 Careful. 22 00:00:46,800 --> 00:00:48,639 All fine, your Royal Willie-ness. 23 00:00:48,640 --> 00:00:50,959 Bit rude, she said, hogging the camera. 24 00:00:50,960 --> 00:00:52,839 - Get on with it! - Of course, sirrah. 25 00:00:52,840 --> 00:00:54,479 Respectful curtesy. 26 00:00:54,480 --> 00:00:55,320 - [smashing] - [yelling] 27 00:00:55,320 --> 00:00:56,320 Oh cripes, blimey, 28 00:00:56,321 --> 00:00:58,639 and other things people definitely said in the 50s. 29 00:00:58,640 --> 00:01:02,039 - Get this man to a hospital! - We're in a bloody hospital! 30 00:01:02,040 --> 00:01:03,199 That's a bit of luck. 31 00:01:03,200 --> 00:01:05,079 - The baby's coming! - [groaning] 32 00:01:05,080 --> 00:01:06,599 Push, darling, push. 33 00:01:06,600 --> 00:01:07,520 It's the last bit of work 34 00:01:07,521 --> 00:01:09,199 you'll ever have to do in your life. 35 00:01:09,200 --> 00:01:10,719 Time for the birthington. 36 00:01:10,720 --> 00:01:14,479 Now, towels, hot water, and most importantly, 37 00:01:14,480 --> 00:01:16,759 tiny red carpet. 38 00:01:16,760 --> 00:01:18,639 Is daddy going to cut the cord? 39 00:01:18,640 --> 00:01:19,480 Um, well... 40 00:01:19,481 --> 00:01:21,919 Don't worry, one's across it, snip snip. 41 00:01:21,920 --> 00:01:24,359 It's only the actual Queen! 42 00:01:24,360 --> 00:01:28,239 I declare this baby open-season for the tabloids. 43 00:01:28,240 --> 00:01:31,680 - Gadzooks and swoons! - [sighing] 44 00:01:32,720 --> 00:01:36,479 Bet Toff, for people who love soccer as much as I do. 45 00:01:36,480 --> 00:01:38,759 Whether, like me, you support Aston Ham, 46 00:01:38,760 --> 00:01:42,839 or even Tottingham Rovers or Livercastle United, 47 00:01:42,840 --> 00:01:45,279 it's all about who will win the most scrums. 48 00:01:45,280 --> 00:01:47,079 Who will be sent off by the umpire? 49 00:01:47,080 --> 00:01:50,239 Who will kick the round thingy into the net thingy? 50 00:01:50,240 --> 00:01:51,559 Bet Toff. 51 00:01:51,560 --> 00:01:53,479 Hang on, the latest live odds 52 00:01:53,480 --> 00:01:55,399 are coming up on your screen now. 53 00:01:55,400 --> 00:01:59,599 Public believe Cameron's brain fade excuse a billion to one. 54 00:01:59,600 --> 00:02:00,560 Cripes. 55 00:02:00,561 --> 00:02:03,879 Bet Toff, available until May 7th only. 56 00:02:03,880 --> 00:02:06,479 ♪ I'm fat, I'm round, I've got a million pounds ♪ 57 00:02:06,480 --> 00:02:09,319 ♪ Cameron, Cameron! ♪ 58 00:02:09,320 --> 00:02:11,880 [upbeat music] 59 00:02:14,880 --> 00:02:18,759 ♪ Don't cha wish your leader was hot like me ♪ 60 00:02:18,760 --> 00:02:22,719 ♪ Don't cha wish your leader was a geek like me ♪ 61 00:02:22,720 --> 00:02:24,879 ♪ Don't cha ♪ 62 00:02:24,880 --> 00:02:26,919 ♪ Huh, yeah ♪ 63 00:02:26,920 --> 00:02:29,879 ♪ Don't cha ♪ 64 00:02:29,880 --> 00:02:31,839 [groaning] 65 00:02:31,840 --> 00:02:33,340 At least I tried. 66 00:02:34,440 --> 00:02:37,319 [bright music] 67 00:02:37,320 --> 00:02:39,719 Welcome to This Morning, I'm Phillip Schofield, 68 00:02:39,720 --> 00:02:42,799 friendly in front of the camera, dead behind the eyes. 69 00:02:42,800 --> 00:02:45,759 And I'm Amanda Holden, everyone's tenth favorite blonde. 70 00:02:45,760 --> 00:02:48,159 Coming up on the show I've been doing some serious 71 00:02:48,160 --> 00:02:49,919 investigative journalist research 72 00:02:49,920 --> 00:02:52,559 by printing this off the internet! 73 00:02:52,560 --> 00:02:56,399 Proof that Vladimir Putin's cat has entered the Ukraine. 74 00:02:56,400 --> 00:02:58,679 This is serious Panorama stuff, people! 75 00:02:58,680 --> 00:03:01,079 But first, sperm facials. 76 00:03:01,080 --> 00:03:03,359 A new report by scientists suggests that 77 00:03:03,360 --> 00:03:05,519 women rubbing sperm into their skin 78 00:03:05,520 --> 00:03:08,559 can have an amazing effect on your show's viewing figures. 79 00:03:08,560 --> 00:03:10,639 We were going to try it out live on the program 80 00:03:10,640 --> 00:03:12,079 but a grownup stopped us. 81 00:03:12,080 --> 00:03:13,999 So instead, I'll be asking Alison Hammond 82 00:03:14,000 --> 00:03:15,879 about the latest showbiz news. 83 00:03:15,880 --> 00:03:17,519 It's not entertaining as such, 84 00:03:17,520 --> 00:03:19,720 but at least it'll bring us closer to lunch. 85 00:03:20,760 --> 00:03:22,680 [Announcer] Will you please welcome to the stage, 86 00:03:22,704 --> 00:03:26,039 Britain's biggest joker, Nigel Farage! 87 00:03:26,040 --> 00:03:26,880 [clapping] 88 00:03:26,881 --> 00:03:28,679 Settle down, settle down, right. 89 00:03:28,680 --> 00:03:30,199 There's an Englishman, an Irishman and a Bulgarian. 90 00:03:30,200 --> 00:03:31,839 And the barman says to the Bulgarian, 91 00:03:31,840 --> 00:03:33,039 "Get out, you're taking a job 92 00:03:33,040 --> 00:03:34,839 "that traditionally belongs to a Scotsman." 93 00:03:34,840 --> 00:03:35,640 [laughing] 94 00:03:35,641 --> 00:03:37,159 Not racist at all, I was just tired. 95 00:03:37,160 --> 00:03:38,239 Here's one: 96 00:03:38,240 --> 00:03:40,119 Why is UKIP like ISIS? 97 00:03:40,120 --> 00:03:42,959 They're both happy to see Muslims leave the country! 98 00:03:42,960 --> 00:03:45,559 What, self-deporting Muslims, what's not to like? 99 00:03:45,560 --> 00:03:46,639 [audience booing] 100 00:03:46,640 --> 00:03:48,399 Bloody lefties, who picked this audience? 101 00:03:48,400 --> 00:03:50,679 Haven't gone down this badly since I had my plane crash. 102 00:03:50,680 --> 00:03:51,999 [Audience Member] Don't you mean car crash? 103 00:03:52,000 --> 00:03:53,960 - We saw the leaders debate! - [audience laughing] 104 00:03:53,984 --> 00:03:56,159 Very funny, somebody check his passport. 105 00:03:56,160 --> 00:03:58,441 Only having a bit of fun with you, unless you are foreign. 106 00:03:58,465 --> 00:04:01,439 Not racist, just good old vote-winning casual bigotry. 107 00:04:01,440 --> 00:04:04,479 Mine's a pint. [belching] 108 00:04:04,480 --> 00:04:07,599 Hey, Uncle Roy, me and the boys were like wondering 109 00:04:07,600 --> 00:04:10,159 what the plan is for the next 45 minutes. 110 00:04:10,160 --> 00:04:13,319 Well Wayne, I think the priority has got to be 111 00:04:13,320 --> 00:04:14,879 getting these broad beans planted. 112 00:04:14,880 --> 00:04:15,720 Eh? 113 00:04:15,721 --> 00:04:17,001 We've seen the last of the frost 114 00:04:17,025 --> 00:04:18,839 and they should come up very nicely. 115 00:04:18,840 --> 00:04:20,199 Never mind that boss, 116 00:04:20,200 --> 00:04:22,159 you're supposed to be managing the team. 117 00:04:22,160 --> 00:04:23,879 What do you want the lads to do? 118 00:04:23,880 --> 00:04:26,359 Oh now Wayne, this is very important. 119 00:04:26,360 --> 00:04:27,999 - If we get a corner... - Yes, boss? 120 00:04:28,000 --> 00:04:30,799 Be very careful, I've planted some carrots there. 121 00:04:30,800 --> 00:04:33,599 Oh Uncle Roy, you seem more interested 122 00:04:33,600 --> 00:04:35,519 in your allotment than the match. 123 00:04:35,520 --> 00:04:39,079 In many ways, Wayne, football is very much like gardening. 124 00:04:39,080 --> 00:04:41,519 The endless cycle of the seasons, we qualify, 125 00:04:41,520 --> 00:04:43,759 we humiliate ourselves, we rebuild. 126 00:04:43,760 --> 00:04:44,999 [crowd cheering] 127 00:04:45,000 --> 00:04:46,599 - Oh, we've kicked off! - [splattering] 128 00:04:46,600 --> 00:04:47,999 Oi, do you mind? 129 00:04:48,000 --> 00:04:49,679 [crowd groaning] 130 00:04:49,680 --> 00:04:51,760 Serves you right, you cheeky little scamp! 131 00:04:55,400 --> 00:04:57,359 Booyakasha, I'm Evan Davis, 132 00:04:57,360 --> 00:05:00,399 but you can call me the Funky Monkey News Junkie. 133 00:05:00,400 --> 00:05:02,719 On tonight's not at all dumbed-down Newz Nite, 134 00:05:02,720 --> 00:05:05,399 I'll be having top quality bants with Dave, 135 00:05:05,400 --> 00:05:07,679 - a. k.a. the Prime Minister. - Hi. 136 00:05:07,680 --> 00:05:10,079 People are saying your heart isn't in this election. 137 00:05:10,080 --> 00:05:12,559 You look like a man who's lost the desire to win. 138 00:05:12,560 --> 00:05:13,759 What do you say to that? 139 00:05:13,760 --> 00:05:15,639 It's really very simple, Evan. 140 00:05:15,640 --> 00:05:17,959 - I don't give a shit. - I'm sorry? 141 00:05:17,960 --> 00:05:20,119 Look, I'll be all right, whatever happens. 142 00:05:20,120 --> 00:05:22,439 So I don't give a shit. 143 00:05:22,440 --> 00:05:24,479 Is that the right attitude for a Prime Minister? 144 00:05:24,480 --> 00:05:25,839 I don't give a shit. 145 00:05:25,840 --> 00:05:29,039 In fact, I don't even give a shit about not giving a shit. 146 00:05:29,040 --> 00:05:31,119 Right, I'm off for a mini-break in Tuscany. 147 00:05:31,120 --> 00:05:33,159 I've rented a lovely West Ham. 148 00:05:33,160 --> 00:05:34,559 Don't you mean a villa? 149 00:05:34,560 --> 00:05:35,400 - Evan. - Yes? 150 00:05:35,400 --> 00:05:36,400 I don't give a shit. 151 00:05:36,401 --> 00:05:39,119 Fo shizzle-zip-bang-pung! 152 00:05:39,120 --> 00:05:40,620 Good night. 153 00:05:42,400 --> 00:05:44,639 It's so nice of you to do this, Mr. Barlow. 154 00:05:44,640 --> 00:05:48,199 Hey, nothing's too much trouble for these little angels. 155 00:05:48,200 --> 00:05:51,599 Also, the petrol I used to get here is tax-deductible, 156 00:05:51,600 --> 00:05:52,999 so it's win-win. 157 00:05:53,000 --> 00:05:54,199 She's a very sick girl, 158 00:05:54,200 --> 00:05:57,519 so if you could cheer her up it would be much appreciated. 159 00:05:57,520 --> 00:06:00,799 I'll tell her some exciting celebrity anecdotes. 160 00:06:00,800 --> 00:06:03,040 Let me tell you about the one time... 161 00:06:04,560 --> 00:06:06,240 Which is funny because I was actually there 162 00:06:06,264 --> 00:06:08,039 to renew my loft insulation. 163 00:06:08,040 --> 00:06:08,960 [life support machine beeping] 164 00:06:08,961 --> 00:06:10,079 Wait, what's happening? 165 00:06:10,080 --> 00:06:11,599 I'm sorry to say this Mr. Barlow, 166 00:06:11,600 --> 00:06:14,159 but it would appear you have literally bored her to death. 167 00:06:14,160 --> 00:06:16,999 Oh heck, what if I tell her about the hilarious mix-up 168 00:06:17,000 --> 00:06:19,800 I had in the carpark of a B&Q? 169 00:06:21,360 --> 00:06:23,919 - I think you'd better go. - Oh, okay. 170 00:06:23,920 --> 00:06:26,879 That reminds me of the one time in Argos. 171 00:06:26,880 --> 00:06:28,199 [groaning] 172 00:06:28,200 --> 00:06:29,519 Are you okay, petal? 173 00:06:29,520 --> 00:06:31,840 Eh, I'll fetch you a Bovril. 174 00:06:33,800 --> 00:06:35,199 Hi-de-hi, campers! 175 00:06:35,200 --> 00:06:36,559 Oh, settle down, girls. 176 00:06:36,560 --> 00:06:37,879 You can tell by the screams, 177 00:06:37,880 --> 00:06:40,239 we've only got the nation's number one crush on the show. 178 00:06:40,240 --> 00:06:43,719 Say hello to the sexiest nerd on the planet, Ed Miliband! 179 00:06:43,720 --> 00:06:44,560 [audience screaming] 180 00:06:44,561 --> 00:06:46,079 Hello, Alan Carr. 181 00:06:46,080 --> 00:06:48,719 Ed, Ed, all the teenage girls on Twitter 182 00:06:48,720 --> 00:06:50,599 are going crazy for you! 183 00:06:50,600 --> 00:06:53,199 I know, it's a bit embarrassing, really. 184 00:06:53,200 --> 00:06:54,799 So, what we all want to know is, 185 00:06:54,800 --> 00:06:57,719 - do you trim, shave or wax? - [audience cheering] 186 00:06:57,720 --> 00:06:59,519 Um actually, if you don't mind, 187 00:06:59,520 --> 00:07:02,239 I'd rather you asked me a serious question. 188 00:07:02,240 --> 00:07:04,199 All right, if Labour don't get a majority, 189 00:07:04,200 --> 00:07:06,760 aren't the SNP just going to hold you to ransom? 190 00:07:08,040 --> 00:07:11,399 Um, who wants to see my topless Poldark pose? 191 00:07:11,400 --> 00:07:13,439 [audience screaming] 192 00:07:13,440 --> 00:07:16,119 Sorry, those are mine, don't ask why they're so stiff. 193 00:07:16,120 --> 00:07:17,559 [laughing] 194 00:07:17,560 --> 00:07:19,719 Wee, wee, wee! 195 00:07:19,720 --> 00:07:21,220 Wee, wee, wee! 196 00:07:21,720 --> 00:07:23,839 [laughing] 197 00:07:23,840 --> 00:07:25,159 Sh-bung! 198 00:07:25,160 --> 00:07:29,199 Okay, let's go, Olivia Colman, Chubley's Jam, take one. 199 00:07:29,200 --> 00:07:32,399 Chubley's Jam, less sugar, more fruit. 200 00:07:32,400 --> 00:07:34,159 [sobbing] 201 00:07:34,160 --> 00:07:36,599 Hold it, sorry Olivia, why are you crying for? 202 00:07:36,600 --> 00:07:37,959 Oh, did you want it funny? 203 00:07:37,960 --> 00:07:39,559 I'm so sorry. 204 00:07:39,560 --> 00:07:42,600 Chubley's Jam [laughing] more fruit, less sugar! 205 00:07:43,720 --> 00:07:45,400 No, that's too much the other way, Olivia. 206 00:07:45,401 --> 00:07:47,120 We want it just straight down the middle. 207 00:07:47,121 --> 00:07:48,119 Oh, well, you see, 208 00:07:48,120 --> 00:07:50,839 I only really do very happy or very sad. 209 00:07:50,840 --> 00:07:52,599 For instance, Peep Show: 210 00:07:52,600 --> 00:07:55,839 Mark, what have you been doing with my toothbrush? 211 00:07:55,840 --> 00:07:57,119 Or Broadchurch: 212 00:07:57,120 --> 00:07:59,479 the body was sexually assaulted prior to death. 213 00:07:59,480 --> 00:08:00,599 [sobbing] 214 00:08:00,600 --> 00:08:01,880 - Do you see? - Yeah, absolutely. 215 00:08:01,881 --> 00:08:03,321 They're both fantastic performances, 216 00:08:03,345 --> 00:08:06,079 but in this particular bit we just want in the middle. 217 00:08:06,080 --> 00:08:08,279 Funny in the middle or sad in the middle? 218 00:08:08,280 --> 00:08:10,200 Right smack in the middle, neither funny nor sad. 219 00:08:10,201 --> 00:08:12,000 - Got you. - Okay, let's do another one. 220 00:08:12,001 --> 00:08:12,999 Chubley's Jam... 221 00:08:13,000 --> 00:08:15,799 No, hold it there, look Olivia, Livi, Liv! 222 00:08:15,800 --> 00:08:18,279 You're one of the finest actresses of your generation. 223 00:08:18,280 --> 00:08:19,960 This should be a doddle, bish, bash, bosh, 224 00:08:19,984 --> 00:08:21,399 twenty grand in your pocket. 225 00:08:21,400 --> 00:08:22,479 Of course, yes. 226 00:08:22,480 --> 00:08:24,479 Can't you think of an experience in your life 227 00:08:24,480 --> 00:08:25,839 that was utterly bland? 228 00:08:25,840 --> 00:08:27,919 Use that, something where nothing happened, 229 00:08:27,920 --> 00:08:31,839 neither funny nor sad, it was just blah. 230 00:08:31,840 --> 00:08:33,439 Well, I did do once go on the One Show. 231 00:08:33,440 --> 00:08:34,280 Perfect! 232 00:08:34,281 --> 00:08:39,279 - [bagpipes playing] - [phone ringing] 233 00:08:39,280 --> 00:08:41,039 Well, wonder who this is. 234 00:08:41,040 --> 00:08:41,880 Hello? 235 00:08:41,881 --> 00:08:44,439 Och-aye, the noo Alex, Supreme Leader here. 236 00:08:44,440 --> 00:08:46,919 Ah, how did you get my contact details? 237 00:08:46,920 --> 00:08:49,959 Oh easy, North Korea have state-of-the-art 238 00:08:49,960 --> 00:08:52,039 - computering system! - [electronic buzzing] 239 00:08:52,040 --> 00:08:55,679 Anyway, I am calling to offer you my support, 240 00:08:55,680 --> 00:08:58,159 - we have lot in common. - I don't think we do. 241 00:08:58,160 --> 00:09:00,839 We both eat well when rest of the nation 242 00:09:00,840 --> 00:09:01,999 has terrible diet. 243 00:09:02,000 --> 00:09:03,519 Aye, but apart from that. 244 00:09:03,520 --> 00:09:06,399 You hate your rich Southern neighbor, right? 245 00:09:06,400 --> 00:09:07,240 Well I... 246 00:09:07,241 --> 00:09:10,839 And you have nuclear weapons that you want to get rid of. 247 00:09:10,840 --> 00:09:11,879 I guess I do. 248 00:09:11,880 --> 00:09:15,199 Well, why not drop them on your Southern neighbor? 249 00:09:15,200 --> 00:09:16,919 That's how I'm going to get rid of mine. 250 00:09:16,920 --> 00:09:19,479 Just a second here, you've gone too far. 251 00:09:19,480 --> 00:09:22,559 You're sounding like a dangerous, power-mad egomaniac! 252 00:09:22,560 --> 00:09:26,039 Yeah, that another thing we have in common! 253 00:09:26,040 --> 00:09:26,880 Oh! 254 00:09:26,881 --> 00:09:28,399 Welcome back to This Morning, 255 00:09:28,400 --> 00:09:29,400 joining us now 256 00:09:29,401 --> 00:09:33,279 is the self-appointed comic Messiah, Russell Brand. 257 00:09:33,280 --> 00:09:35,319 Greetings and salutations. 258 00:09:35,320 --> 00:09:39,199 So, Russell, big news, I understand you've given up sex. 259 00:09:39,200 --> 00:09:40,200 Verily Amanda, 260 00:09:40,201 --> 00:09:43,079 I have eschewed the pleasures of carnal gratification 261 00:09:43,080 --> 00:09:45,999 and shall be henceforth assuming the mantle of celibacy. 262 00:09:46,000 --> 00:09:48,559 Oh, I've got here that you've given up sex. 263 00:09:48,560 --> 00:09:49,879 How long's it been now? 264 00:09:49,880 --> 00:09:53,359 Thus far, I have successfully subdued me libidinosity 265 00:09:53,360 --> 00:09:55,559 for a period of one calendar week. 266 00:09:55,560 --> 00:09:58,359 That's amazing, has it been difficult? 267 00:09:58,360 --> 00:09:59,879 - [rumbling] - Oh, Lawks! 268 00:09:59,880 --> 00:10:01,599 Oh dear, sounds like we might be allowed 269 00:10:01,600 --> 00:10:02,960 to do that sperm facial after all. 270 00:10:02,984 --> 00:10:06,184 - Cut to the adverts! - [screaming] 271 00:10:07,880 --> 00:10:11,599 [gentle guitar music] 272 00:10:11,600 --> 00:10:13,519 Get on with it, George! 273 00:10:13,520 --> 00:10:15,879 It turns out that doing nothing isn't enough 274 00:10:15,880 --> 00:10:17,199 to win this election after all. 275 00:10:17,200 --> 00:10:18,759 - [crashing] - [grumbling] 276 00:10:18,760 --> 00:10:21,399 Pickles, did no-one ever teach you to knock? 277 00:10:21,400 --> 00:10:23,599 Oh, sorry, I thought I smelled cooking! 278 00:10:23,600 --> 00:10:24,879 What are you two up to? 279 00:10:24,880 --> 00:10:27,919 Winning votes, we're offering heaps of stuff for the rich, 280 00:10:27,920 --> 00:10:30,599 but we need to do something to win over the poor. 281 00:10:30,600 --> 00:10:34,159 So we asked ourselves what do poor people like? 282 00:10:34,160 --> 00:10:35,959 And this is what we came up with. 283 00:10:35,960 --> 00:10:36,920 Ta-da! 284 00:10:36,921 --> 00:10:39,839 Gravy, Amanda Holden and drugs. 285 00:10:39,840 --> 00:10:41,359 Not necessarily in that order. 286 00:10:41,360 --> 00:10:43,759 Have you ever even met a poor person? 287 00:10:43,760 --> 00:10:47,119 Of course, I went to Manchester only the other day. 288 00:10:47,120 --> 00:10:49,079 We're going to give all the poor people 289 00:10:49,080 --> 00:10:51,679 a free bag of crystal meth! 290 00:10:51,680 --> 00:10:54,799 You could call me Mr. White. [laughing] 291 00:10:54,800 --> 00:10:57,639 What do you two twazzocks know about crystal meth? 292 00:10:57,640 --> 00:11:00,159 Well, I studied chemistry at prep school. 293 00:11:00,160 --> 00:11:01,839 And I studied meths at Eton. 294 00:11:01,840 --> 00:11:03,039 [laughing] 295 00:11:03,040 --> 00:11:04,399 Actually, this could work. 296 00:11:04,400 --> 00:11:06,400 The only way any poor bugger will ever vote for you 297 00:11:06,424 --> 00:11:08,719 is if they're completely off their tits! 298 00:11:08,720 --> 00:11:12,279 - George? - Uh-oh! 299 00:11:12,280 --> 00:11:13,759 Take cover, crikey! 300 00:11:13,760 --> 00:11:15,719 [exploding] 301 00:11:15,720 --> 00:11:17,519 Well, it's not the first policy 302 00:11:17,520 --> 00:11:19,020 that's blown up in my face. 303 00:11:26,360 --> 00:11:30,119 ♪ There lives a certain man in Russia today ♪ 304 00:11:30,120 --> 00:11:33,999 ♪ Who doesn't like anyone who is gay ♪ 305 00:11:34,000 --> 00:11:37,719 ♪ People look at him with terror and fear ♪ 306 00:11:37,720 --> 00:11:41,639 ♪ And he never dresses up in tight leather gear ♪ 307 00:11:41,640 --> 00:11:43,479 ♪ Ra, ra, ra, Putin ♪ 308 00:11:43,480 --> 00:11:45,759 ♪ Hater of all Russian queens ♪ 309 00:11:45,760 --> 00:11:47,279 ♪ I'm not pleased to see you ♪ 310 00:11:47,280 --> 00:11:49,319 ♪ It's a gun in my pocket ♪ 311 00:11:49,320 --> 00:11:51,079 ♪ Ra, ra, ra, Putin ♪ 312 00:11:51,080 --> 00:11:53,359 ♪ Russia's greatest war machine ♪ 313 00:11:53,360 --> 00:11:54,759 ♪ There goes your plane ♪ 314 00:11:54,760 --> 00:11:57,279 ♪ But it wasn't my rocket ♪ 315 00:11:57,280 --> 00:11:58,439 [Reporter] So Roy, what do you think about 316 00:11:58,440 --> 00:12:00,399 all these footballers taking laughing gas? 317 00:12:00,400 --> 00:12:04,039 I think this so-called hippy crack is a dreadful problem 318 00:12:04,040 --> 00:12:05,759 which is getting more and more widespread. 319 00:12:05,760 --> 00:12:06,680 Only this afternoon, 320 00:12:06,681 --> 00:12:09,479 half the lads were rolling around laughing hysterically, 321 00:12:09,480 --> 00:12:11,160 while I was giving them a serious team talk 322 00:12:11,184 --> 00:12:13,439 about how we are going to win the 2018 World Cup. 323 00:12:13,440 --> 00:12:15,519 [laughing] 324 00:12:15,520 --> 00:12:18,279 Blimey, this stuff is everywhere. 325 00:12:18,280 --> 00:12:20,680 [rock music] 326 00:12:23,800 --> 00:12:26,639 [grunting] 327 00:12:26,640 --> 00:12:30,599 Ed Balls, have you superglued my office door shut again? 328 00:12:30,600 --> 00:12:32,680 It's locked, there's someone in there. 329 00:12:34,560 --> 00:12:36,959 - Yvette? - You can come in now. 330 00:12:36,960 --> 00:12:38,799 But, but, but, but, but. 331 00:12:38,800 --> 00:12:40,519 - Oh, sugar. - [dramatic music] 332 00:12:40,520 --> 00:12:41,520 Lord Sugar to you! 333 00:12:41,521 --> 00:12:44,759 - Uh... - I decided we needed help. 334 00:12:44,760 --> 00:12:47,360 Actually, sorry, could I just switch that music off? 335 00:12:49,440 --> 00:12:50,940 I've got it. 336 00:12:51,160 --> 00:12:53,600 Just give it a thump, that usually works. 337 00:12:55,240 --> 00:12:56,919 We need your help, Lord Sugar. 338 00:12:56,920 --> 00:12:58,079 Too bloody right, 339 00:12:58,080 --> 00:13:00,639 you're neck and neck in the polls with only a week to go. 340 00:13:00,640 --> 00:13:02,479 Team Labour needs a rebrand. 341 00:13:02,480 --> 00:13:03,839 But how do we do that? 342 00:13:03,840 --> 00:13:04,879 Well, if bugger-lugs here 343 00:13:04,880 --> 00:13:06,799 can turn himself into a sex symbol, 344 00:13:06,800 --> 00:13:08,999 - then anything's possible! - Oh. 345 00:13:09,000 --> 00:13:11,959 Right, I'm going to set you a task, 346 00:13:11,960 --> 00:13:15,359 so go and await instructions in front of a London landmark. 347 00:13:15,360 --> 00:13:17,239 What's the point of that? 348 00:13:17,240 --> 00:13:19,799 I don't know, that's how my program works! 349 00:13:19,800 --> 00:13:21,119 - [cellphone ringing] - Hello? 350 00:13:21,120 --> 00:13:23,759 Your challenge is to design a new logo 351 00:13:23,760 --> 00:13:24,959 for the Labour Party, 352 00:13:24,960 --> 00:13:27,079 something that will really appeal to the voters. 353 00:13:27,080 --> 00:13:29,639 Right, so we'll need focus groups, researchers, 354 00:13:29,640 --> 00:13:31,999 designers and about a million pounds. 355 00:13:32,000 --> 00:13:34,959 Well, you've got five hours and an A2 flipchart. 356 00:13:34,960 --> 00:13:38,079 Ed, you are team leader, have you got what it takes? 357 00:13:38,080 --> 00:13:40,520 Hell, yeah, I've got a felt-tip pen. 358 00:13:41,720 --> 00:13:43,220 I can't hear you, you're breaking up. 359 00:13:43,224 --> 00:13:46,319 Gotta go, I've got important business to do. 360 00:13:46,320 --> 00:13:49,439 [crackling explosion] 361 00:13:49,440 --> 00:13:52,719 - Okay, let's do this. - Right, whoops! 362 00:13:52,720 --> 00:13:55,719 Here's the old logo, now tell me what's wrong with it. 363 00:13:55,720 --> 00:13:57,919 - Uh... - Everything, it's terrible. 364 00:13:57,920 --> 00:13:59,479 What does it make you think of? 365 00:13:59,480 --> 00:14:02,119 - The Labour Party. - Get rid of the rose. 366 00:14:02,120 --> 00:14:05,079 No keep it, people understand the rose. 367 00:14:05,080 --> 00:14:07,359 - Okay. - But the rose is English. 368 00:14:07,360 --> 00:14:09,679 I know, add a thistle for the Scots. 369 00:14:09,680 --> 00:14:10,480 Right. 370 00:14:10,481 --> 00:14:12,239 - And a leek for the Welsh. - Good idea. 371 00:14:12,240 --> 00:14:15,759 No, don't do a leek you plonker, it's daffodils for Wales. 372 00:14:15,760 --> 00:14:17,279 Do a daffodil and a leak. 373 00:14:17,280 --> 00:14:19,919 And something for Northern Ireland, a shamrock? 374 00:14:19,920 --> 00:14:20,760 That'll do. 375 00:14:20,761 --> 00:14:22,799 And we should represent all the faiths. 376 00:14:22,800 --> 00:14:24,799 Good idea, I will draw Mohammed! 377 00:14:24,800 --> 00:14:26,300 [Both] No! 378 00:14:28,200 --> 00:14:30,039 [Narrator] Meanwhile, at Highgrove, 379 00:14:30,040 --> 00:14:32,439 Charles and Camilla are getting royally sozzled 380 00:14:32,440 --> 00:14:34,399 watching Britain's Got Talent. 381 00:14:34,400 --> 00:14:36,519 [Judge On TV] I thought you were fantastic 382 00:14:36,520 --> 00:14:37,640 and I'm not just saying that 383 00:14:37,664 --> 00:14:39,919 because I've been hypnotized by a dog. 384 00:14:39,920 --> 00:14:41,999 Britain's Got Talent? 385 00:14:42,000 --> 00:14:43,639 More like Britain Needs Therapy. 386 00:14:43,640 --> 00:14:46,559 Where do these cretins get the idea 387 00:14:46,560 --> 00:14:49,399 they can get rich and famous by tottering onstage 388 00:14:49,400 --> 00:14:51,759 in a bikini with a few hula hoops? 389 00:14:51,760 --> 00:14:52,839 Quite, darling. 390 00:14:52,840 --> 00:14:54,559 Why can't they do it the old-fashioned way 391 00:14:54,560 --> 00:14:58,119 by coming into this world out of a Royal foo-foo? 392 00:14:58,120 --> 00:14:59,959 - I beg your pardon? - Top up. 393 00:14:59,960 --> 00:15:04,360 - [barking] - [guzzling] 394 00:15:05,640 --> 00:15:06,759 My bucket list routine 395 00:15:06,760 --> 00:15:08,260 killed at the correspondents' dinner, 396 00:15:08,264 --> 00:15:10,479 but now I got nothing to do, again! 397 00:15:10,480 --> 00:15:11,879 Oh, yes you have, sir! 398 00:15:11,880 --> 00:15:13,559 Keane, I didn't hear you come in. 399 00:15:13,560 --> 00:15:16,079 A good aide is a stealthy aide, Mr. President, sir. 400 00:15:16,080 --> 00:15:17,679 I've drawn up your schedule for today. 401 00:15:17,680 --> 00:15:18,520 Right. 402 00:15:18,521 --> 00:15:20,919 Let's see, 8 a.m., look at calendar and sigh. 403 00:15:20,920 --> 00:15:21,760 Done that. 404 00:15:21,761 --> 00:15:23,759 You are bang on schedule, sir! 405 00:15:23,760 --> 00:15:24,959 Next, 8:10, golf. 406 00:15:24,960 --> 00:15:27,559 - And after the golf? - Um, golf. 407 00:15:27,560 --> 00:15:29,719 Indoor golf, outdoor golf, golfing lunch, 408 00:15:29,720 --> 00:15:31,479 golf siesta, golf extra. 409 00:15:31,480 --> 00:15:33,761 Then meeting with the leader of the Democrats in Congress. 410 00:15:33,785 --> 00:15:34,440 Oh, great! 411 00:15:34,441 --> 00:15:36,121 To find out how I can get some legislation 412 00:15:36,145 --> 00:15:37,399 past the Republican majority, 413 00:15:37,400 --> 00:15:40,799 so I actually have something to do for the next 18 months? 414 00:15:40,800 --> 00:15:43,959 - Nope, to play golf. - Seriously, is that it? 415 00:15:43,960 --> 00:15:45,799 Nothing but golf all day? 416 00:15:45,800 --> 00:15:48,719 Well, David Cameron did want to schedule a phone call. 417 00:15:48,720 --> 00:15:50,220 Tell him I'm playing golf. 418 00:15:52,720 --> 00:15:55,519 So I set you an impossible task 419 00:15:55,520 --> 00:15:58,439 with nowhere near enough time or resources to do it. 420 00:15:58,440 --> 00:15:59,679 How did you get on? 421 00:15:59,680 --> 00:16:03,520 We are quite pleased with the results, your Sugarship. 422 00:16:04,600 --> 00:16:05,879 Ta-da! 423 00:16:05,880 --> 00:16:07,519 That is the least appealing, 424 00:16:07,520 --> 00:16:10,959 most horrific thing I have clapped eyes on, and remember, 425 00:16:10,960 --> 00:16:12,599 I've worked with Katie Hopkins. 426 00:16:12,600 --> 00:16:14,919 What the hell is that supposed to be? 427 00:16:14,920 --> 00:16:18,479 Well, it's a sort of rose, thistle, leek, daffodil, 428 00:16:18,480 --> 00:16:21,479 shamrock, Isle of Man legs, LBGT Cornish pasty, 429 00:16:21,480 --> 00:16:24,799 Stonehenge, flat cap, unions, NHS theme. 430 00:16:24,800 --> 00:16:26,439 That looks it was designed by 431 00:16:26,440 --> 00:16:29,279 a committee of blindfolded camels on crack cocaine. 432 00:16:29,280 --> 00:16:30,719 We knew you'd say that. 433 00:16:30,720 --> 00:16:34,400 Which is why we came up with an alternative design. 434 00:16:35,320 --> 00:16:37,119 Hang on, that's the old logo. 435 00:16:37,120 --> 00:16:40,559 Yes, it is, sorry, Lord Sir Alan Lord. 436 00:16:40,560 --> 00:16:42,479 No, no, fair dues. 437 00:16:42,480 --> 00:16:45,519 Now I think about it, it sums up exactly who you are. 438 00:16:45,520 --> 00:16:47,439 Yes, it says growth. 439 00:16:47,440 --> 00:16:49,399 - Hope. - A brighter future. 440 00:16:49,400 --> 00:16:52,079 No, it says pricks. 441 00:16:52,080 --> 00:16:53,679 You're all fired. 442 00:16:53,680 --> 00:16:55,180 At least I tried. 443 00:16:56,120 --> 00:16:58,480 I'm Beyonce and I woke up like this. 444 00:17:00,240 --> 00:17:02,359 ♪ Independent woman, I run my own life ♪ 445 00:17:02,360 --> 00:17:04,759 ♪ Rock star, sex goddess, businesswoman and wife ♪ 446 00:17:04,760 --> 00:17:07,199 ♪ But I got these two groupies I don't understand ♪ 447 00:17:07,200 --> 00:17:10,399 ♪ Can't shake off Kanye West and Kim Kardashian ♪ 448 00:17:10,400 --> 00:17:12,599 ♪ Yeah, it's ma girl, Bee ♪ 449 00:17:12,600 --> 00:17:15,039 ♪ Yoo-hoo, Beyonce, hey, it's me ♪ 450 00:17:15,040 --> 00:17:17,159 ♪ Uh-oh, uh-oh, oh, no, no ♪ 451 00:17:17,160 --> 00:17:19,719 ♪ Uh-oh, uh-oh, oh, no, no ♪ 452 00:17:19,720 --> 00:17:22,079 ♪ I'm everything that they're not ♪ 453 00:17:22,080 --> 00:17:24,519 ♪ Every time I look around they're in shot ♪ 454 00:17:24,520 --> 00:17:26,679 ♪ Hey Bee, I think you're the best ♪ 455 00:17:26,680 --> 00:17:28,999 ♪ I know that already, please give it a rest ♪ 456 00:17:29,000 --> 00:17:31,239 ♪ If your booty looks small just add an inch to it ♪ 457 00:17:31,240 --> 00:17:33,879 ♪ Breakin' the internet's a cinch with it ♪ 458 00:17:33,880 --> 00:17:36,199 ♪ So enormous now it almost makes you flinch at it ♪ 459 00:17:36,200 --> 00:17:41,200 ♪ Girlfriend, soon you're gonna need a winch for it ♪ 460 00:17:43,720 --> 00:17:46,239 ♪ I got class, she got brass, her husband is just a pest ♪ 461 00:17:46,240 --> 00:17:48,440 ♪ You get dissed, I get pissed, stage a public protest ♪ 462 00:17:48,464 --> 00:17:51,159 ♪ Don't do that, you look a twat and no one is impressed ♪ 463 00:17:51,160 --> 00:17:53,639 ♪ Ladies and gentlemen, it's Kanye West ♪ 464 00:17:53,640 --> 00:17:55,039 ♪ My lyrics hit you ♪ 465 00:17:55,040 --> 00:17:56,279 ♪ Brap, brap ♪ 466 00:17:56,280 --> 00:17:58,319 ♪ I'm the Shakespeare of rap ♪ 467 00:17:58,320 --> 00:18:00,759 ♪ Headlining Glasto, it's me ♪ 468 00:18:00,760 --> 00:18:03,239 ♪ You just copy Jay-Z ♪ 469 00:18:03,240 --> 00:18:05,439 ♪ I Want everyone to know who I am ♪ 470 00:18:05,440 --> 00:18:08,199 ♪ Put my whole life on Instagram ♪ 471 00:18:08,200 --> 00:18:10,719 ♪ Though no one gives a damn ♪ 472 00:18:10,720 --> 00:18:13,279 ♪ Oh, no, oh, no, oh no, they don't ♪ 473 00:18:13,280 --> 00:18:16,119 ♪ Beyonce was the best in this song ♪ 474 00:18:16,120 --> 00:18:17,879 ♪ Respect artistry ♪ 475 00:18:17,880 --> 00:18:20,119 ♪ She should get a fuckin' award for it ♪ 476 00:18:20,120 --> 00:18:22,919 ♪ Want to see me balance a box of wine on my vagina ♪ 477 00:18:22,920 --> 00:18:25,919 ♪ Uh-oh, uh-oh, no, no ♪ 478 00:18:25,920 --> 00:18:28,199 [Announcer] Are you looking to find that special someone 479 00:18:28,200 --> 00:18:30,919 for interesting conversations and maybe more? 480 00:18:30,920 --> 00:18:33,279 ParliMate is the new app devoted to finding you 481 00:18:33,280 --> 00:18:35,079 the perfect match for a coalition. 482 00:18:35,080 --> 00:18:37,839 All you've got to do is swipe left or right. 483 00:18:37,840 --> 00:18:39,439 I'll swing whichever way you want. 484 00:18:39,440 --> 00:18:41,279 I'm looking for someone who's into pain. 485 00:18:41,280 --> 00:18:43,479 Choose the SNP and I can promise you 486 00:18:43,480 --> 00:18:45,399 years of abuse and humiliation. 487 00:18:45,400 --> 00:18:46,919 Of course if you want me to stop, 488 00:18:46,920 --> 00:18:49,239 the safe word is independence! 489 00:18:49,240 --> 00:18:51,559 Don't forget me if you'd like a threesome! 490 00:18:51,560 --> 00:18:54,279 I'd like to hook up with someone who shares my interests: 491 00:18:54,280 --> 00:18:57,119 pubs, pubs, and long walks to a pub. 492 00:18:57,120 --> 00:18:58,559 Oh, and no foreigners. 493 00:18:58,560 --> 00:19:00,399 G'day, choose the wrong person 494 00:19:00,400 --> 00:19:02,639 and you could seriously regret it, 495 00:19:02,640 --> 00:19:06,279 as the Green Party has found out since making me leader. 496 00:19:06,280 --> 00:19:08,759 Hello, I'm looking for someone who's interested 497 00:19:08,760 --> 00:19:11,399 in Wales and Welsh issues generally. 498 00:19:11,400 --> 00:19:12,799 Wales, Wales, Wales. 499 00:19:12,800 --> 00:19:15,799 No, don't swipe, I wanted to talk about Wales! 500 00:19:15,800 --> 00:19:18,039 ParliMate; go on, try a coalition. 501 00:19:18,040 --> 00:19:19,040 What have you got to lose 502 00:19:19,041 --> 00:19:21,479 apart from your career and your self-respect? 503 00:19:21,480 --> 00:19:22,320 [sobbing] 504 00:19:22,321 --> 00:19:24,201 [Narrator] Warning, the popularity of coalitions 505 00:19:24,225 --> 00:19:27,065 may go down as well as down, always read the small print. 506 00:19:28,080 --> 00:19:30,479 Where is he, Trevor should have been here before me! 507 00:19:30,480 --> 00:19:33,039 Oh, I'm sure he won't be long. 508 00:19:33,040 --> 00:19:35,119 - Hello, m'deary. - M'sweetness. 509 00:19:35,120 --> 00:19:35,960 I'm Mel. 510 00:19:35,961 --> 00:19:37,839 And I dress like a cool history teacher. 511 00:19:37,840 --> 00:19:39,639 Trevor had some bad news for you. 512 00:19:39,640 --> 00:19:42,559 - So he called in the experts. - Eh? 513 00:19:42,560 --> 00:19:44,759 We're going to give you the old sugar-coated 514 00:19:44,760 --> 00:19:47,239 - Bake Off sendoff. - So where's my fiance? 515 00:19:47,240 --> 00:19:48,359 - He's not coming. - What? 516 00:19:48,360 --> 00:19:50,679 He's got cold feet and run off with his yoga teacher 517 00:19:50,680 --> 00:19:52,199 like a naughty little scamp. 518 00:19:52,200 --> 00:19:53,279 He's pulled out. 519 00:19:53,280 --> 00:19:55,119 - Oh! - He's into somebody else now. 520 00:19:55,120 --> 00:19:56,919 Cor blimey, what are we like? 521 00:19:56,920 --> 00:19:59,199 But don't worry, bridalicious, you'll be fine. 522 00:19:59,200 --> 00:20:01,559 Now, watch as I shimmy my jacket. 523 00:20:01,560 --> 00:20:04,519 And I squidge my face up like two field mice kissing. 524 00:20:04,520 --> 00:20:05,999 [kissing] 525 00:20:06,000 --> 00:20:07,959 So how do you feel? 526 00:20:07,960 --> 00:20:10,599 Not bad, actually, I feel pretty good. 527 00:20:10,600 --> 00:20:12,360 I'm going to go and get drunk with my friends 528 00:20:12,384 --> 00:20:13,319 at the reception. 529 00:20:13,320 --> 00:20:15,360 You two really are adorable, aren't you? 530 00:20:16,280 --> 00:20:17,599 - Bless. - Aw. 531 00:20:17,600 --> 00:20:20,279 Well, it looks like your job is done here. 532 00:20:20,280 --> 00:20:21,679 And so is yours, 533 00:20:21,680 --> 00:20:24,359 your favorite choir boy's gone to the tabloids. 534 00:20:24,360 --> 00:20:25,860 Oh! 535 00:20:26,480 --> 00:20:29,199 Look, I'm holding my hands up like I'm ruffling a puppy! 536 00:20:29,200 --> 00:20:31,800 Wobbling my quiff, wobbling my quiff! 537 00:20:32,880 --> 00:20:35,280 [rock music] 538 00:20:36,360 --> 00:20:38,479 It's okay everyone, I'm back! 539 00:20:38,480 --> 00:20:40,239 The election can go ahead. 540 00:20:40,240 --> 00:20:42,719 I'm here with Home Secretary Theresa May. 541 00:20:42,720 --> 00:20:45,519 So, Theresa, why should people vote Conservative? 542 00:20:45,520 --> 00:20:48,279 Because if Labour form a pact with the SNP, 543 00:20:48,280 --> 00:20:51,159 it will be a constitutional crisis! 544 00:20:51,160 --> 00:20:52,759 Aren't you exaggerating a bit? 545 00:20:52,760 --> 00:20:56,359 The oceans will turn to blood, the skies will darken, 546 00:20:56,360 --> 00:20:58,680 and the merciless fire will consume us all. 547 00:20:59,760 --> 00:21:01,679 Theresa, what would you say to people 548 00:21:01,680 --> 00:21:04,799 who accuse you of childish scaremongering? 549 00:21:04,800 --> 00:21:06,300 Boo! 550 00:21:06,680 --> 00:21:09,359 Well, as you can see, we've got quite a severe front 551 00:21:09,360 --> 00:21:12,079 coming in here with this ridge of low pressure. 552 00:21:12,080 --> 00:21:14,239 What the fuck's going on here? 553 00:21:14,240 --> 00:21:16,479 That's not how you do a weather forecast these days! 554 00:21:16,480 --> 00:21:17,280 Eh? 555 00:21:17,281 --> 00:21:18,559 You've got to use words like 556 00:21:18,560 --> 00:21:21,759 thunder snow, weather bomb, snowpocalypse! 557 00:21:21,760 --> 00:21:23,679 Yes, but in meteorological terms... 558 00:21:23,680 --> 00:21:25,839 - Fuckity bye to you, pal. - Ow! 559 00:21:25,840 --> 00:21:27,279 Strap yourselves in folks, 560 00:21:27,280 --> 00:21:29,719 there's an Atlantic shit storm heading our way, 561 00:21:29,720 --> 00:21:32,079 with a full-on piss blizzard of thunder wet. 562 00:21:32,080 --> 00:21:35,479 This is no ordinary rain, this is a weathershambles, 563 00:21:35,480 --> 00:21:38,479 a cumulobastard, a total rain fuck. 564 00:21:38,480 --> 00:21:39,559 It's the sort of rain 565 00:21:39,560 --> 00:21:41,919 that would make Noah abandon his fucking ark 566 00:21:41,920 --> 00:21:45,199 and climb inside a blue whale's vag for shelter. 567 00:21:45,200 --> 00:21:48,479 Elsewhere, mostly mild with occasional sunny spells. 568 00:21:48,480 --> 00:21:50,359 Now, where's my fucking TARDIS? 569 00:21:50,360 --> 00:21:51,880 I'm off to the summer of '76! 570 00:21:53,080 --> 00:21:55,080 [rock music]