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00:00:00,200 --> 00:00:02,600
[rock music]

2
00:00:08,600 --> 00:00:12,239
Yeah I did indeed convene with
that there Edward Miliband.

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00:00:12,240 --> 00:00:13,639
He's a weird-looking idealist

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00:00:13,640 --> 00:00:17,199
what pontificates unrealistic
political claptrap.

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So we had nothing in common.

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00:00:19,240 --> 00:00:20,740
I'm hotter than him an' all!

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00:00:22,760 --> 00:00:24,639
Darling, my water's broken!

8
00:00:24,640 --> 00:00:26,399
Don't worry, it's Bupa, darling,

9
00:00:26,400 --> 00:00:27,639
they'll have another bottle.

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00:00:27,640 --> 00:00:29,759
No, no, I mean the baby's coming!

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00:00:29,760 --> 00:00:30,720
What? Right.

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Action stations, all hands on deck!

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00:00:32,520 --> 00:00:33,520
Man the lifeboats!

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Hurry, call the midwife!

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[crashing]

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What ho!

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Yes, you're in luck, it's me!

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00:00:39,080 --> 00:00:43,039
Don't worry, your Royal
Highness, your Royal Middleness,

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you're in safe...

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[screaming]

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Careful.

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All fine, your Royal Willie-ness.

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Bit rude, she said, hogging the camera.

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- Get on with it!
- Of course, sirrah.

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Respectful curtesy.

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- [smashing]
- [yelling]

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Oh cripes, blimey,

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and other things people
definitely said in the 50s.

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- Get this man to a hospital!
- We're in a bloody hospital!

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That's a bit of luck.

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- The baby's coming!
- [groaning]

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Push, darling, push.

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It's the last bit of work

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you'll ever have to do in your life.

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Time for the birthington.

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Now, towels, hot water,
and most importantly,

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tiny red carpet.

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Is daddy going to cut the cord?

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Um, well...

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Don't worry, one's across it, snip snip.

41
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It's only the actual Queen!

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I declare this baby
open-season for the tabloids.

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- Gadzooks and swoons!
- [sighing]

44
00:01:32,720 --> 00:01:36,479
Bet Toff, for people who
love soccer as much as I do.

45
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Whether, like me, you support Aston Ham,

46
00:01:38,760 --> 00:01:42,839
or even Tottingham Rovers
or Livercastle United,

47
00:01:42,840 --> 00:01:45,279
it's all about who will
win the most scrums.

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Who will be sent off by the umpire?

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Who will kick the round
thingy into the net thingy?

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Bet Toff.

51
00:01:51,560 --> 00:01:53,479
Hang on, the latest live odds

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are coming up on your screen now.

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Public believe Cameron's brain
fade excuse a billion to one.

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Cripes.

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Bet Toff, available until May 7th only.

56
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♪ I'm fat, I'm round, I've
got a million pounds ♪

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♪ Cameron, Cameron! ♪

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00:02:09,320 --> 00:02:11,880
[upbeat music]

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♪ Don't cha wish your
leader was hot like me ♪

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00:02:18,760 --> 00:02:22,719
♪ Don't cha wish your
leader was a geek like me ♪

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♪ Don't cha ♪

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♪ Huh, yeah ♪

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♪ Don't cha ♪

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[groaning]

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At least I tried.

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[bright music]

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Welcome to This Morning,
I'm Phillip Schofield,

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friendly in front of the
camera, dead behind the eyes.

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And I'm Amanda Holden,
everyone's tenth favorite blonde.

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Coming up on the show I've
been doing some serious

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investigative journalist research

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by printing this off the internet!

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Proof that Vladimir Putin's
cat has entered the Ukraine.

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This is serious Panorama stuff, people!

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But first, sperm facials.

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00:03:01,080 --> 00:03:03,359
A new report by scientists suggests that

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women rubbing sperm into their skin

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can have an amazing effect on
your show's viewing figures.

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We were going to try it
out live on the program

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but a grownup stopped us.

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So instead, I'll be asking Alison Hammond

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about the latest showbiz news.

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It's not entertaining as such,

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but at least it'll bring
us closer to lunch.

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[Announcer] Will you please
welcome to the stage,

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Britain's biggest joker, Nigel Farage!

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[clapping]

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Settle down, settle down, right.

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There's an Englishman, an
Irishman and a Bulgarian.

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And the barman says to the Bulgarian,

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"Get out, you're taking a job

92
00:03:33,040 --> 00:03:34,839
"that traditionally
belongs to a Scotsman."

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[laughing]

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Not racist at all, I was just tired.

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Here's one:

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00:03:38,240 --> 00:03:40,119
Why is UKIP like ISIS?

97
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They're both happy to see
Muslims leave the country!

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What, self-deporting
Muslims, what's not to like?

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[audience booing]

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Bloody lefties, who picked this audience?

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Haven't gone down this badly
since I had my plane crash.

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[Audience Member] Don't
you mean car crash?

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00:03:52,000 --> 00:03:53,960
- We saw the leaders debate!
- [audience laughing]

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Very funny, somebody check his passport.

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Only having a bit of fun with
you, unless you are foreign.

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Not racist, just good old
vote-winning casual bigotry.

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Mine's a pint. [belching]

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00:04:04,480 --> 00:04:07,599
Hey, Uncle Roy, me and the
boys were like wondering

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what the plan is for the next 45 minutes.

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Well Wayne, I think the
priority has got to be

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getting these broad beans planted.

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Eh?

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We've seen the last of the frost

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and they should come up very nicely.

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Never mind that boss,

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you're supposed to be managing the team.

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What do you want the lads to do?

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Oh now Wayne, this is very important.

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- If we get a corner...
- Yes, boss?

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Be very careful, I've
planted some carrots there.

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Oh Uncle Roy, you seem more interested

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in your allotment than the match.

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In many ways, Wayne, football
is very much like gardening.

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The endless cycle of
the seasons, we qualify,

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we humiliate ourselves, we rebuild.

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[crowd cheering]

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- Oh, we've kicked off!
- [splattering]

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Oi, do you mind?

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[crowd groaning]

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00:04:49,680 --> 00:04:51,760
Serves you right, you cheeky little scamp!

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00:04:55,400 --> 00:04:57,359
Booyakasha, I'm Evan Davis,

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00:04:57,360 --> 00:05:00,399
but you can call me the
Funky Monkey News Junkie.

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00:05:00,400 --> 00:05:02,719
On tonight's not at all
dumbed-down Newz Nite,

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00:05:02,720 --> 00:05:05,399
I'll be having top
quality bants with Dave,

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00:05:05,400 --> 00:05:07,679
- a. k.a. the Prime Minister.
- Hi.

136
00:05:07,680 --> 00:05:10,079
People are saying your heart
isn't in this election.

137
00:05:10,080 --> 00:05:12,559
You look like a man who's
lost the desire to win.

138
00:05:12,560 --> 00:05:13,759
What do you say to that?

139
00:05:13,760 --> 00:05:15,639
It's really very simple, Evan.

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- I don't give a shit.
- I'm sorry?

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00:05:17,960 --> 00:05:20,119
Look, I'll be all right, whatever happens.

142
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So I don't give a shit.

143
00:05:22,440 --> 00:05:24,479
Is that the right attitude
for a Prime Minister?

144
00:05:24,480 --> 00:05:25,839
I don't give a shit.

145
00:05:25,840 --> 00:05:29,039
In fact, I don't even give a
shit about not giving a shit.

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Right, I'm off for a
mini-break in Tuscany.

147
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I've rented a lovely West Ham.

148
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Don't you mean a villa?

149
00:05:34,560 --> 00:05:35,400
- Evan.
- Yes?

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00:05:35,400 --> 00:05:36,400
I don't give a shit.

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Fo shizzle-zip-bang-pung!

152
00:05:39,120 --> 00:05:40,620
Good night.

153
00:05:42,400 --> 00:05:44,639
It's so nice of you to
do this, Mr. Barlow.

154
00:05:44,640 --> 00:05:48,199
Hey, nothing's too much trouble
for these little angels.

155
00:05:48,200 --> 00:05:51,599
Also, the petrol I used to
get here is tax-deductible,

156
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so it's win-win.

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She's a very sick girl,

158
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so if you could cheer her up
it would be much appreciated.

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00:05:57,520 --> 00:06:00,799
I'll tell her some exciting
celebrity anecdotes.

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00:06:00,800 --> 00:06:03,040
Let me tell you about the one time...

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00:06:04,560 --> 00:06:06,240
Which is funny because
I was actually there

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00:06:06,264 --> 00:06:08,039
to renew my loft insulation.

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[life support machine beeping]

164
00:06:08,961 --> 00:06:10,079
Wait, what's happening?

165
00:06:10,080 --> 00:06:11,599
I'm sorry to say this Mr. Barlow,

166
00:06:11,600 --> 00:06:14,159
but it would appear you have
literally bored her to death.

167
00:06:14,160 --> 00:06:16,999
Oh heck, what if I tell her
about the hilarious mix-up

168
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I had in the carpark of a B&Q?

169
00:06:21,360 --> 00:06:23,919
- I think you'd better go.
- Oh, okay.

170
00:06:23,920 --> 00:06:26,879
That reminds me of the one time in Argos.

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[groaning]

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Are you okay, petal?

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Eh, I'll fetch you a Bovril.

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00:06:33,800 --> 00:06:35,199
Hi-de-hi, campers!

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00:06:35,200 --> 00:06:36,559
Oh, settle down, girls.

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You can tell by the screams,

177
00:06:37,880 --> 00:06:40,239
we've only got the nation's
number one crush on the show.

178
00:06:40,240 --> 00:06:43,719
Say hello to the sexiest nerd
on the planet, Ed Miliband!

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00:06:43,720 --> 00:06:44,560
[audience screaming]

180
00:06:44,561 --> 00:06:46,079
Hello, Alan Carr.

181
00:06:46,080 --> 00:06:48,719
Ed, Ed, all the teenage girls on Twitter

182
00:06:48,720 --> 00:06:50,599
are going crazy for you!

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00:06:50,600 --> 00:06:53,199
I know, it's a bit embarrassing, really.

184
00:06:53,200 --> 00:06:54,799
So, what we all want to know is,

185
00:06:54,800 --> 00:06:57,719
- do you trim, shave or wax?
- [audience cheering]

186
00:06:57,720 --> 00:06:59,519
Um actually, if you don't mind,

187
00:06:59,520 --> 00:07:02,239
I'd rather you asked
me a serious question.

188
00:07:02,240 --> 00:07:04,199
All right, if Labour don't get a majority,

189
00:07:04,200 --> 00:07:06,760
aren't the SNP just going
to hold you to ransom?

190
00:07:08,040 --> 00:07:11,399
Um, who wants to see my
topless Poldark pose?

191
00:07:11,400 --> 00:07:13,439
[audience screaming]

192
00:07:13,440 --> 00:07:16,119
Sorry, those are mine, don't
ask why they're so stiff.

193
00:07:16,120 --> 00:07:17,559
[laughing]

194
00:07:17,560 --> 00:07:19,719
Wee, wee, wee!

195
00:07:19,720 --> 00:07:21,220
Wee, wee, wee!

196
00:07:21,720 --> 00:07:23,839
[laughing]

197
00:07:23,840 --> 00:07:25,159
Sh-bung!

198
00:07:25,160 --> 00:07:29,199
Okay, let's go, Olivia Colman,
Chubley's Jam, take one.

199
00:07:29,200 --> 00:07:32,399
Chubley's Jam, less sugar, more fruit.

200
00:07:32,400 --> 00:07:34,159
[sobbing]

201
00:07:34,160 --> 00:07:36,599
Hold it, sorry Olivia,
why are you crying for?

202
00:07:36,600 --> 00:07:37,959
Oh, did you want it funny?

203
00:07:37,960 --> 00:07:39,559
I'm so sorry.

204
00:07:39,560 --> 00:07:42,600
Chubley's Jam [laughing]
more fruit, less sugar!

205
00:07:43,720 --> 00:07:45,400
No, that's too much the other way, Olivia.

206
00:07:45,401 --> 00:07:47,120
We want it just straight down the middle.

207
00:07:47,121 --> 00:07:48,119
Oh, well, you see,

208
00:07:48,120 --> 00:07:50,839
I only really do very happy or very sad.

209
00:07:50,840 --> 00:07:52,599
For instance, Peep Show:

210
00:07:52,600 --> 00:07:55,839
Mark, what have you been
doing with my toothbrush?

211
00:07:55,840 --> 00:07:57,119
Or Broadchurch:

212
00:07:57,120 --> 00:07:59,479
the body was sexually
assaulted prior to death.

213
00:07:59,480 --> 00:08:00,599
[sobbing]

214
00:08:00,600 --> 00:08:01,880
- Do you see?
- Yeah, absolutely.

215
00:08:01,881 --> 00:08:03,321
They're both fantastic performances,

216
00:08:03,345 --> 00:08:06,079
but in this particular bit
we just want in the middle.

217
00:08:06,080 --> 00:08:08,279
Funny in the middle or sad in the middle?

218
00:08:08,280 --> 00:08:10,200
Right smack in the middle,
neither funny nor sad.

219
00:08:10,201 --> 00:08:12,000
- Got you.
- Okay, let's do another one.

220
00:08:12,001 --> 00:08:12,999
Chubley's Jam...

221
00:08:13,000 --> 00:08:15,799
No, hold it there, look Olivia, Livi, Liv!

222
00:08:15,800 --> 00:08:18,279
You're one of the finest
actresses of your generation.

223
00:08:18,280 --> 00:08:19,960
This should be a doddle, bish, bash, bosh,

224
00:08:19,984 --> 00:08:21,399
twenty grand in your pocket.

225
00:08:21,400 --> 00:08:22,479
Of course, yes.

226
00:08:22,480 --> 00:08:24,479
Can't you think of an
experience in your life

227
00:08:24,480 --> 00:08:25,839
that was utterly bland?

228
00:08:25,840 --> 00:08:27,919
Use that, something
where nothing happened,

229
00:08:27,920 --> 00:08:31,839
neither funny nor sad, it was just blah.

230
00:08:31,840 --> 00:08:33,439
Well, I did do once go on the One Show.

231
00:08:33,440 --> 00:08:34,280
Perfect!

232
00:08:34,281 --> 00:08:39,279
- [bagpipes playing]
- [phone ringing]

233
00:08:39,280 --> 00:08:41,039
Well, wonder who this is.

234
00:08:41,040 --> 00:08:41,880
Hello?

235
00:08:41,881 --> 00:08:44,439
Och-aye, the noo Alex,
Supreme Leader here.

236
00:08:44,440 --> 00:08:46,919
Ah, how did you get my contact details?

237
00:08:46,920 --> 00:08:49,959
Oh easy, North Korea have state-of-the-art

238
00:08:49,960 --> 00:08:52,039
- computering system!
- [electronic buzzing]

239
00:08:52,040 --> 00:08:55,679
Anyway, I am calling to
offer you my support,

240
00:08:55,680 --> 00:08:58,159
- we have lot in common.
- I don't think we do.

241
00:08:58,160 --> 00:09:00,839
We both eat well when rest of the nation

242
00:09:00,840 --> 00:09:01,999
has terrible diet.

243
00:09:02,000 --> 00:09:03,519
Aye, but apart from that.

244
00:09:03,520 --> 00:09:06,399
You hate your rich
Southern neighbor, right?

245
00:09:06,400 --> 00:09:07,240
Well I...

246
00:09:07,241 --> 00:09:10,839
And you have nuclear weapons
that you want to get rid of.

247
00:09:10,840 --> 00:09:11,879
I guess I do.

248
00:09:11,880 --> 00:09:15,199
Well, why not drop them
on your Southern neighbor?

249
00:09:15,200 --> 00:09:16,919
That's how I'm going to get rid of mine.

250
00:09:16,920 --> 00:09:19,479
Just a second here, you've gone too far.

251
00:09:19,480 --> 00:09:22,559
You're sounding like a
dangerous, power-mad egomaniac!

252
00:09:22,560 --> 00:09:26,039
Yeah, that another
thing we have in common!

253
00:09:26,040 --> 00:09:26,880
Oh!

254
00:09:26,881 --> 00:09:28,399
Welcome back to This Morning,

255
00:09:28,400 --> 00:09:29,400
joining us now

256
00:09:29,401 --> 00:09:33,279
is the self-appointed comic
Messiah, Russell Brand.

257
00:09:33,280 --> 00:09:35,319
Greetings and salutations.

258
00:09:35,320 --> 00:09:39,199
So, Russell, big news, I
understand you've given up sex.

259
00:09:39,200 --> 00:09:40,200
Verily Amanda,

260
00:09:40,201 --> 00:09:43,079
I have eschewed the pleasures
of carnal gratification

261
00:09:43,080 --> 00:09:45,999
and shall be henceforth
assuming the mantle of celibacy.

262
00:09:46,000 --> 00:09:48,559
Oh, I've got here that
you've given up sex.

263
00:09:48,560 --> 00:09:49,879
How long's it been now?

264
00:09:49,880 --> 00:09:53,359
Thus far, I have successfully
subdued me libidinosity

265
00:09:53,360 --> 00:09:55,559
for a period of one calendar week.

266
00:09:55,560 --> 00:09:58,359
That's amazing, has it been difficult?

267
00:09:58,360 --> 00:09:59,879
- [rumbling]
- Oh, Lawks!

268
00:09:59,880 --> 00:10:01,599
Oh dear, sounds like we might be allowed

269
00:10:01,600 --> 00:10:02,960
to do that sperm facial after all.

270
00:10:02,984 --> 00:10:06,184
- Cut to the adverts!
- [screaming]

271
00:10:07,880 --> 00:10:11,599
[gentle guitar music]

272
00:10:11,600 --> 00:10:13,519
Get on with it, George!

273
00:10:13,520 --> 00:10:15,879
It turns out that doing
nothing isn't enough

274
00:10:15,880 --> 00:10:17,199
to win this election after all.

275
00:10:17,200 --> 00:10:18,759
- [crashing]
- [grumbling]

276
00:10:18,760 --> 00:10:21,399
Pickles, did no-one
ever teach you to knock?

277
00:10:21,400 --> 00:10:23,599
Oh, sorry, I thought I smelled cooking!

278
00:10:23,600 --> 00:10:24,879
What are you two up to?

279
00:10:24,880 --> 00:10:27,919
Winning votes, we're offering
heaps of stuff for the rich,

280
00:10:27,920 --> 00:10:30,599
but we need to do something
to win over the poor.

281
00:10:30,600 --> 00:10:34,159
So we asked ourselves
what do poor people like?

282
00:10:34,160 --> 00:10:35,959
And this is what we came up with.

283
00:10:35,960 --> 00:10:36,920
Ta-da!

284
00:10:36,921 --> 00:10:39,839
Gravy, Amanda Holden and drugs.

285
00:10:39,840 --> 00:10:41,359
Not necessarily in that order.

286
00:10:41,360 --> 00:10:43,759
Have you ever even met a poor person?

287
00:10:43,760 --> 00:10:47,119
Of course, I went to
Manchester only the other day.

288
00:10:47,120 --> 00:10:49,079
We're going to give all the poor people

289
00:10:49,080 --> 00:10:51,679
a free bag of crystal meth!

290
00:10:51,680 --> 00:10:54,799
You could call me Mr. White. [laughing]

291
00:10:54,800 --> 00:10:57,639
What do you two twazzocks
know about crystal meth?

292
00:10:57,640 --> 00:11:00,159
Well, I studied chemistry at prep school.

293
00:11:00,160 --> 00:11:01,839
And I studied meths at Eton.

294
00:11:01,840 --> 00:11:03,039
[laughing]

295
00:11:03,040 --> 00:11:04,399
Actually, this could work.

296
00:11:04,400 --> 00:11:06,400
The only way any poor bugger
will ever vote for you

297
00:11:06,424 --> 00:11:08,719
is if they're completely off their tits!

298
00:11:08,720 --> 00:11:12,279
- George?
- Uh-oh!

299
00:11:12,280 --> 00:11:13,759
Take cover, crikey!

300
00:11:13,760 --> 00:11:15,719
[exploding]

301
00:11:15,720 --> 00:11:17,519
Well, it's not the first policy

302
00:11:17,520 --> 00:11:19,020
that's blown up in my face.

303
00:11:26,360 --> 00:11:30,119
♪ There lives a certain
man in Russia today ♪

304
00:11:30,120 --> 00:11:33,999
♪ Who doesn't like anyone who is gay ♪

305
00:11:34,000 --> 00:11:37,719
♪ People look at him
with terror and fear ♪

306
00:11:37,720 --> 00:11:41,639
♪ And he never dresses up
in tight leather gear ♪

307
00:11:41,640 --> 00:11:43,479
♪ Ra, ra, ra, Putin ♪

308
00:11:43,480 --> 00:11:45,759
♪ Hater of all Russian queens ♪

309
00:11:45,760 --> 00:11:47,279
♪ I'm not pleased to see you ♪

310
00:11:47,280 --> 00:11:49,319
♪ It's a gun in my pocket ♪

311
00:11:49,320 --> 00:11:51,079
♪ Ra, ra, ra, Putin ♪

312
00:11:51,080 --> 00:11:53,359
♪ Russia's greatest war machine ♪

313
00:11:53,360 --> 00:11:54,759
♪ There goes your plane ♪

314
00:11:54,760 --> 00:11:57,279
♪ But it wasn't my rocket ♪

315
00:11:57,280 --> 00:11:58,439
[Reporter] So Roy, what do you think about

316
00:11:58,440 --> 00:12:00,399
all these footballers taking laughing gas?

317
00:12:00,400 --> 00:12:04,039
I think this so-called hippy
crack is a dreadful problem

318
00:12:04,040 --> 00:12:05,759
which is getting more and more widespread.

319
00:12:05,760 --> 00:12:06,680
Only this afternoon,

320
00:12:06,681 --> 00:12:09,479
half the lads were rolling
around laughing hysterically,

321
00:12:09,480 --> 00:12:11,160
while I was giving them
a serious team talk

322
00:12:11,184 --> 00:12:13,439
about how we are going to
win the 2018 World Cup.

323
00:12:13,440 --> 00:12:15,519
[laughing]

324
00:12:15,520 --> 00:12:18,279
Blimey, this stuff is everywhere.

325
00:12:18,280 --> 00:12:20,680
[rock music]

326
00:12:23,800 --> 00:12:26,639
[grunting]

327
00:12:26,640 --> 00:12:30,599
Ed Balls, have you superglued
my office door shut again?

328
00:12:30,600 --> 00:12:32,680
It's locked, there's someone in there.

329
00:12:34,560 --> 00:12:36,959
- Yvette?
- You can come in now.

330
00:12:36,960 --> 00:12:38,799
But, but, but, but, but.

331
00:12:38,800 --> 00:12:40,519
- Oh, sugar.
- [dramatic music]

332
00:12:40,520 --> 00:12:41,520
Lord Sugar to you!

333
00:12:41,521 --> 00:12:44,759
- Uh...
- I decided we needed help.

334
00:12:44,760 --> 00:12:47,360
Actually, sorry, could I
just switch that music off?

335
00:12:49,440 --> 00:12:50,940
I've got it.

336
00:12:51,160 --> 00:12:53,600
Just give it a thump, that usually works.

337
00:12:55,240 --> 00:12:56,919
We need your help, Lord Sugar.

338
00:12:56,920 --> 00:12:58,079
Too bloody right,

339
00:12:58,080 --> 00:13:00,639
you're neck and neck in the
polls with only a week to go.

340
00:13:00,640 --> 00:13:02,479
Team Labour needs a rebrand.

341
00:13:02,480 --> 00:13:03,839
But how do we do that?

342
00:13:03,840 --> 00:13:04,879
Well, if bugger-lugs here

343
00:13:04,880 --> 00:13:06,799
can turn himself into a sex symbol,

344
00:13:06,800 --> 00:13:08,999
- then anything's possible!
- Oh.

345
00:13:09,000 --> 00:13:11,959
Right, I'm going to set you a task,

346
00:13:11,960 --> 00:13:15,359
so go and await instructions
in front of a London landmark.

347
00:13:15,360 --> 00:13:17,239
What's the point of that?

348
00:13:17,240 --> 00:13:19,799
I don't know, that's how my program works!

349
00:13:19,800 --> 00:13:21,119
- [cellphone ringing]
- Hello?

350
00:13:21,120 --> 00:13:23,759
Your challenge is to design a new logo

351
00:13:23,760 --> 00:13:24,959
for the Labour Party,

352
00:13:24,960 --> 00:13:27,079
something that will really
appeal to the voters.

353
00:13:27,080 --> 00:13:29,639
Right, so we'll need
focus groups, researchers,

354
00:13:29,640 --> 00:13:31,999
designers and about a million pounds.

355
00:13:32,000 --> 00:13:34,959
Well, you've got five
hours and an A2 flipchart.

356
00:13:34,960 --> 00:13:38,079
Ed, you are team leader,
have you got what it takes?

357
00:13:38,080 --> 00:13:40,520
Hell, yeah, I've got a felt-tip pen.

358
00:13:41,720 --> 00:13:43,220
I can't hear you, you're breaking up.

359
00:13:43,224 --> 00:13:46,319
Gotta go, I've got
important business to do.

360
00:13:46,320 --> 00:13:49,439
[crackling explosion]

361
00:13:49,440 --> 00:13:52,719
- Okay, let's do this.
- Right, whoops!

362
00:13:52,720 --> 00:13:55,719
Here's the old logo, now
tell me what's wrong with it.

363
00:13:55,720 --> 00:13:57,919
- Uh...
- Everything, it's terrible.

364
00:13:57,920 --> 00:13:59,479
What does it make you think of?

365
00:13:59,480 --> 00:14:02,119
- The Labour Party.
- Get rid of the rose.

366
00:14:02,120 --> 00:14:05,079
No keep it, people understand the rose.

367
00:14:05,080 --> 00:14:07,359
- Okay.
- But the rose is English.

368
00:14:07,360 --> 00:14:09,679
I know, add a thistle for the Scots.

369
00:14:09,680 --> 00:14:10,480
Right.

370
00:14:10,481 --> 00:14:12,239
- And a leek for the Welsh.
- Good idea.

371
00:14:12,240 --> 00:14:15,759
No, don't do a leek you plonker,
it's daffodils for Wales.

372
00:14:15,760 --> 00:14:17,279
Do a daffodil and a leak.

373
00:14:17,280 --> 00:14:19,919
And something for Northern
Ireland, a shamrock?

374
00:14:19,920 --> 00:14:20,760
That'll do.

375
00:14:20,761 --> 00:14:22,799
And we should represent all the faiths.

376
00:14:22,800 --> 00:14:24,799
Good idea, I will draw Mohammed!

377
00:14:24,800 --> 00:14:26,300
[Both] No!

378
00:14:28,200 --> 00:14:30,039
[Narrator] Meanwhile, at Highgrove,

379
00:14:30,040 --> 00:14:32,439
Charles and Camilla are
getting royally sozzled

380
00:14:32,440 --> 00:14:34,399
watching Britain's Got Talent.

381
00:14:34,400 --> 00:14:36,519
[Judge On TV] I thought you were fantastic

382
00:14:36,520 --> 00:14:37,640
and I'm not just saying that

383
00:14:37,664 --> 00:14:39,919
because I've been hypnotized by a dog.

384
00:14:39,920 --> 00:14:41,999
Britain's Got Talent?

385
00:14:42,000 --> 00:14:43,639
More like Britain Needs Therapy.

386
00:14:43,640 --> 00:14:46,559
Where do these cretins get the idea

387
00:14:46,560 --> 00:14:49,399
they can get rich and
famous by tottering onstage

388
00:14:49,400 --> 00:14:51,759
in a bikini with a few hula hoops?

389
00:14:51,760 --> 00:14:52,839
Quite, darling.

390
00:14:52,840 --> 00:14:54,559
Why can't they do it the old-fashioned way

391
00:14:54,560 --> 00:14:58,119
by coming into this world
out of a Royal foo-foo?

392
00:14:58,120 --> 00:14:59,959
- I beg your pardon?
- Top up.

393
00:14:59,960 --> 00:15:04,360
- [barking]
- [guzzling]

394
00:15:05,640 --> 00:15:06,759
My bucket list routine

395
00:15:06,760 --> 00:15:08,260
killed at the correspondents' dinner,

396
00:15:08,264 --> 00:15:10,479
but now I got nothing to do, again!

397
00:15:10,480 --> 00:15:11,879
Oh, yes you have, sir!

398
00:15:11,880 --> 00:15:13,559
Keane, I didn't hear you come in.

399
00:15:13,560 --> 00:15:16,079
A good aide is a stealthy
aide, Mr. President, sir.

400
00:15:16,080 --> 00:15:17,679
I've drawn up your schedule for today.

401
00:15:17,680 --> 00:15:18,520
Right.

402
00:15:18,521 --> 00:15:20,919
Let's see, 8 a.m., look
at calendar and sigh.

403
00:15:20,920 --> 00:15:21,760
Done that.

404
00:15:21,761 --> 00:15:23,759
You are bang on schedule, sir!

405
00:15:23,760 --> 00:15:24,959
Next, 8:10, golf.

406
00:15:24,960 --> 00:15:27,559
- And after the golf?
- Um, golf.

407
00:15:27,560 --> 00:15:29,719
Indoor golf, outdoor golf, golfing lunch,

408
00:15:29,720 --> 00:15:31,479
golf siesta, golf extra.

409
00:15:31,480 --> 00:15:33,761
Then meeting with the leader
of the Democrats in Congress.

410
00:15:33,785 --> 00:15:34,440
Oh, great!

411
00:15:34,441 --> 00:15:36,121
To find out how I can get some legislation

412
00:15:36,145 --> 00:15:37,399
past the Republican majority,

413
00:15:37,400 --> 00:15:40,799
so I actually have something
to do for the next 18 months?

414
00:15:40,800 --> 00:15:43,959
- Nope, to play golf.
- Seriously, is that it?

415
00:15:43,960 --> 00:15:45,799
Nothing but golf all day?

416
00:15:45,800 --> 00:15:48,719
Well, David Cameron did want
to schedule a phone call.

417
00:15:48,720 --> 00:15:50,220
Tell him I'm playing golf.

418
00:15:52,720 --> 00:15:55,519
So I set you an impossible task

419
00:15:55,520 --> 00:15:58,439
with nowhere near enough
time or resources to do it.

420
00:15:58,440 --> 00:15:59,679
How did you get on?

421
00:15:59,680 --> 00:16:03,520
We are quite pleased with
the results, your Sugarship.

422
00:16:04,600 --> 00:16:05,879
Ta-da!

423
00:16:05,880 --> 00:16:07,519
That is the least appealing,

424
00:16:07,520 --> 00:16:10,959
most horrific thing I have
clapped eyes on, and remember,

425
00:16:10,960 --> 00:16:12,599
I've worked with Katie Hopkins.

426
00:16:12,600 --> 00:16:14,919
What the hell is that supposed to be?

427
00:16:14,920 --> 00:16:18,479
Well, it's a sort of rose,
thistle, leek, daffodil,

428
00:16:18,480 --> 00:16:21,479
shamrock, Isle of Man
legs, LBGT Cornish pasty,

429
00:16:21,480 --> 00:16:24,799
Stonehenge, flat cap, unions, NHS theme.

430
00:16:24,800 --> 00:16:26,439
That looks it was designed by

431
00:16:26,440 --> 00:16:29,279
a committee of blindfolded
camels on crack cocaine.

432
00:16:29,280 --> 00:16:30,719
We knew you'd say that.

433
00:16:30,720 --> 00:16:34,400
Which is why we came up
with an alternative design.

434
00:16:35,320 --> 00:16:37,119
Hang on, that's the old logo.

435
00:16:37,120 --> 00:16:40,559
Yes, it is, sorry, Lord Sir Alan Lord.

436
00:16:40,560 --> 00:16:42,479
No, no, fair dues.

437
00:16:42,480 --> 00:16:45,519
Now I think about it, it
sums up exactly who you are.

438
00:16:45,520 --> 00:16:47,439
Yes, it says growth.

439
00:16:47,440 --> 00:16:49,399
- Hope.
- A brighter future.

440
00:16:49,400 --> 00:16:52,079
No, it says pricks.

441
00:16:52,080 --> 00:16:53,679
You're all fired.

442
00:16:53,680 --> 00:16:55,180
At least I tried.

443
00:16:56,120 --> 00:16:58,480
I'm Beyonce and I woke up like this.

444
00:17:00,240 --> 00:17:02,359
♪ Independent woman, I run my own life ♪

445
00:17:02,360 --> 00:17:04,759
♪ Rock star, sex goddess,
businesswoman and wife ♪

446
00:17:04,760 --> 00:17:07,199
♪ But I got these two
groupies I don't understand ♪

447
00:17:07,200 --> 00:17:10,399
♪ Can't shake off Kanye
West and Kim Kardashian ♪

448
00:17:10,400 --> 00:17:12,599
♪ Yeah, it's ma girl, Bee ♪

449
00:17:12,600 --> 00:17:15,039
♪ Yoo-hoo, Beyonce, hey, it's me ♪

450
00:17:15,040 --> 00:17:17,159
♪ Uh-oh, uh-oh, oh, no, no ♪

451
00:17:17,160 --> 00:17:19,719
♪ Uh-oh, uh-oh, oh, no, no ♪

452
00:17:19,720 --> 00:17:22,079
♪ I'm everything that they're not ♪

453
00:17:22,080 --> 00:17:24,519
♪ Every time I look
around they're in shot ♪

454
00:17:24,520 --> 00:17:26,679
♪ Hey Bee, I think you're the best ♪

455
00:17:26,680 --> 00:17:28,999
♪ I know that already,
please give it a rest ♪

456
00:17:29,000 --> 00:17:31,239
♪ If your booty looks small
just add an inch to it ♪

457
00:17:31,240 --> 00:17:33,879
♪ Breakin' the internet's
a cinch with it ♪

458
00:17:33,880 --> 00:17:36,199
♪ So enormous now it almost
makes you flinch at it ♪

459
00:17:36,200 --> 00:17:41,200
♪ Girlfriend, soon you're
gonna need a winch for it ♪

460
00:17:43,720 --> 00:17:46,239
♪ I got class, she got brass,
her husband is just a pest ♪

461
00:17:46,240 --> 00:17:48,440
♪ You get dissed, I get pissed,
stage a public protest ♪

462
00:17:48,464 --> 00:17:51,159
♪ Don't do that, you look a
twat and no one is impressed ♪

463
00:17:51,160 --> 00:17:53,639
♪ Ladies and gentlemen, it's Kanye West ♪

464
00:17:53,640 --> 00:17:55,039
♪ My lyrics hit you ♪

465
00:17:55,040 --> 00:17:56,279
♪ Brap, brap ♪

466
00:17:56,280 --> 00:17:58,319
♪ I'm the Shakespeare of rap ♪

467
00:17:58,320 --> 00:18:00,759
♪ Headlining Glasto, it's me ♪

468
00:18:00,760 --> 00:18:03,239
♪ You just copy Jay-Z ♪

469
00:18:03,240 --> 00:18:05,439
♪ I Want everyone to know who I am ♪

470
00:18:05,440 --> 00:18:08,199
♪ Put my whole life on Instagram ♪

471
00:18:08,200 --> 00:18:10,719
♪ Though no one gives a damn ♪

472
00:18:10,720 --> 00:18:13,279
♪ Oh, no, oh, no, oh no, they don't ♪

473
00:18:13,280 --> 00:18:16,119
♪ Beyonce was the best in this song ♪

474
00:18:16,120 --> 00:18:17,879
♪ Respect artistry ♪

475
00:18:17,880 --> 00:18:20,119
♪ She should get a fuckin' award for it ♪

476
00:18:20,120 --> 00:18:22,919
♪ Want to see me balance a
box of wine on my vagina ♪

477
00:18:22,920 --> 00:18:25,919
♪ Uh-oh, uh-oh, no, no ♪

478
00:18:25,920 --> 00:18:28,199
[Announcer] Are you looking
to find that special someone

479
00:18:28,200 --> 00:18:30,919
for interesting
conversations and maybe more?

480
00:18:30,920 --> 00:18:33,279
ParliMate is the new app
devoted to finding you

481
00:18:33,280 --> 00:18:35,079
the perfect match for a coalition.

482
00:18:35,080 --> 00:18:37,839
All you've got to do
is swipe left or right.

483
00:18:37,840 --> 00:18:39,439
I'll swing whichever way you want.

484
00:18:39,440 --> 00:18:41,279
I'm looking for someone who's into pain.

485
00:18:41,280 --> 00:18:43,479
Choose the SNP and I can promise you

486
00:18:43,480 --> 00:18:45,399
years of abuse and humiliation.

487
00:18:45,400 --> 00:18:46,919
Of course if you want me to stop,

488
00:18:46,920 --> 00:18:49,239
the safe word is independence!

489
00:18:49,240 --> 00:18:51,559
Don't forget me if you'd like a threesome!

490
00:18:51,560 --> 00:18:54,279
I'd like to hook up with
someone who shares my interests:

491
00:18:54,280 --> 00:18:57,119
pubs, pubs, and long walks to a pub.

492
00:18:57,120 --> 00:18:58,559
Oh, and no foreigners.

493
00:18:58,560 --> 00:19:00,399
G'day, choose the wrong person

494
00:19:00,400 --> 00:19:02,639
and you could seriously regret it,

495
00:19:02,640 --> 00:19:06,279
as the Green Party has found
out since making me leader.

496
00:19:06,280 --> 00:19:08,759
Hello, I'm looking for
someone who's interested

497
00:19:08,760 --> 00:19:11,399
in Wales and Welsh issues generally.

498
00:19:11,400 --> 00:19:12,799
Wales, Wales, Wales.

499
00:19:12,800 --> 00:19:15,799
No, don't swipe, I wanted
to talk about Wales!

500
00:19:15,800 --> 00:19:18,039
ParliMate; go on, try a coalition.

501
00:19:18,040 --> 00:19:19,040
What have you got to lose

502
00:19:19,041 --> 00:19:21,479
apart from your career
and your self-respect?

503
00:19:21,480 --> 00:19:22,320
[sobbing]

504
00:19:22,321 --> 00:19:24,201
[Narrator] Warning, the
popularity of coalitions

505
00:19:24,225 --> 00:19:27,065
may go down as well as down,
always read the small print.

506
00:19:28,080 --> 00:19:30,479
Where is he, Trevor should
have been here before me!

507
00:19:30,480 --> 00:19:33,039
Oh, I'm sure he won't be long.

508
00:19:33,040 --> 00:19:35,119
- Hello, m'deary.
- M'sweetness.

509
00:19:35,120 --> 00:19:35,960
I'm Mel.

510
00:19:35,961 --> 00:19:37,839
And I dress like a cool history teacher.

511
00:19:37,840 --> 00:19:39,639
Trevor had some bad news for you.

512
00:19:39,640 --> 00:19:42,559
- So he called in the experts.
- Eh?

513
00:19:42,560 --> 00:19:44,759
We're going to give you
the old sugar-coated

514
00:19:44,760 --> 00:19:47,239
- Bake Off sendoff.
- So where's my fiance?

515
00:19:47,240 --> 00:19:48,359
- He's not coming.
- What?

516
00:19:48,360 --> 00:19:50,679
He's got cold feet and run
off with his yoga teacher

517
00:19:50,680 --> 00:19:52,199
like a naughty little scamp.

518
00:19:52,200 --> 00:19:53,279
He's pulled out.

519
00:19:53,280 --> 00:19:55,119
- Oh!
- He's into somebody else now.

520
00:19:55,120 --> 00:19:56,919
Cor blimey, what are we like?

521
00:19:56,920 --> 00:19:59,199
But don't worry,
bridalicious, you'll be fine.

522
00:19:59,200 --> 00:20:01,559
Now, watch as I shimmy my jacket.

523
00:20:01,560 --> 00:20:04,519
And I squidge my face up
like two field mice kissing.

524
00:20:04,520 --> 00:20:05,999
[kissing]

525
00:20:06,000 --> 00:20:07,959
So how do you feel?

526
00:20:07,960 --> 00:20:10,599
Not bad, actually, I feel pretty good.

527
00:20:10,600 --> 00:20:12,360
I'm going to go and get
drunk with my friends

528
00:20:12,384 --> 00:20:13,319
at the reception.

529
00:20:13,320 --> 00:20:15,360
You two really are adorable, aren't you?

530
00:20:16,280 --> 00:20:17,599
- Bless.
- Aw.

531
00:20:17,600 --> 00:20:20,279
Well, it looks like your job is done here.

532
00:20:20,280 --> 00:20:21,679
And so is yours,

533
00:20:21,680 --> 00:20:24,359
your favorite choir boy's
gone to the tabloids.

534
00:20:24,360 --> 00:20:25,860
Oh!

535
00:20:26,480 --> 00:20:29,199
Look, I'm holding my hands
up like I'm ruffling a puppy!

536
00:20:29,200 --> 00:20:31,800
Wobbling my quiff, wobbling my quiff!

537
00:20:32,880 --> 00:20:35,280
[rock music]

538
00:20:36,360 --> 00:20:38,479
It's okay everyone, I'm back!

539
00:20:38,480 --> 00:20:40,239
The election can go ahead.

540
00:20:40,240 --> 00:20:42,719
I'm here with Home Secretary Theresa May.

541
00:20:42,720 --> 00:20:45,519
So, Theresa, why should
people vote Conservative?

542
00:20:45,520 --> 00:20:48,279
Because if Labour form
a pact with the SNP,

543
00:20:48,280 --> 00:20:51,159
it will be a constitutional crisis!

544
00:20:51,160 --> 00:20:52,759
Aren't you exaggerating a bit?

545
00:20:52,760 --> 00:20:56,359
The oceans will turn to
blood, the skies will darken,

546
00:20:56,360 --> 00:20:58,680
and the merciless fire
will consume us all.

547
00:20:59,760 --> 00:21:01,679
Theresa, what would you say to people

548
00:21:01,680 --> 00:21:04,799
who accuse you of childish scaremongering?

549
00:21:04,800 --> 00:21:06,300
Boo!

550
00:21:06,680 --> 00:21:09,359
Well, as you can see, we've
got quite a severe front

551
00:21:09,360 --> 00:21:12,079
coming in here with this
ridge of low pressure.

552
00:21:12,080 --> 00:21:14,239
What the fuck's going on here?

553
00:21:14,240 --> 00:21:16,479
That's not how you do a
weather forecast these days!

554
00:21:16,480 --> 00:21:17,280
Eh?

555
00:21:17,281 --> 00:21:18,559
You've got to use words like

556
00:21:18,560 --> 00:21:21,759
thunder snow, weather bomb, snowpocalypse!

557
00:21:21,760 --> 00:21:23,679
Yes, but in meteorological terms...

558
00:21:23,680 --> 00:21:25,839
- Fuckity bye to you, pal.
- Ow!

559
00:21:25,840 --> 00:21:27,279
Strap yourselves in folks,

560
00:21:27,280 --> 00:21:29,719
there's an Atlantic shit
storm heading our way,

561
00:21:29,720 --> 00:21:32,079
with a full-on piss
blizzard of thunder wet.

562
00:21:32,080 --> 00:21:35,479
This is no ordinary rain,
this is a weathershambles,

563
00:21:35,480 --> 00:21:38,479
a cumulobastard, a total rain fuck.

564
00:21:38,480 --> 00:21:39,559
It's the sort of rain

565
00:21:39,560 --> 00:21:41,919
that would make Noah
abandon his fucking ark

566
00:21:41,920 --> 00:21:45,199
and climb inside a blue
whale's vag for shelter.

567
00:21:45,200 --> 00:21:48,479
Elsewhere, mostly mild with
occasional sunny spells.

568
00:21:48,480 --> 00:21:50,359
Now, where's my fucking TARDIS?

569
00:21:50,360 --> 00:21:51,880
I'm off to the summer of '76!

570
00:21:53,080 --> 00:21:55,080
[rock music]