1
00:00:00,320 --> 00:00:02,920
[bright music]

2
00:00:10,200 --> 00:00:11,639
Now, listen up, Princess.

3
00:00:11,640 --> 00:00:14,159
You might have strolled in here
like Billy Swanky Bollocks,

4
00:00:14,160 --> 00:00:17,399
all new and shiny, but
I'm the daddy round here.

5
00:00:17,400 --> 00:00:20,439
I'm the one what's gonna get
the big hat and the gold chair.

6
00:00:20,440 --> 00:00:23,639
So don't get any ideas, and
we'll be cushty, you got me?

7
00:00:23,640 --> 00:00:25,359
Just don't mess with me, kid,

8
00:00:25,360 --> 00:00:28,159
'cause I'm flippin' royal dangerous!

9
00:00:28,160 --> 00:00:30,079
Aww, that's so cute.

10
00:00:30,080 --> 00:00:31,879
Wills, come and look at this.

11
00:00:31,880 --> 00:00:34,439
George is talking to the baby.

12
00:00:34,440 --> 00:00:37,799
Mummy, Georgie wuv the wittle baby.

13
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Aww, Georgie, you're the
sweetest child in the world.

14
00:00:41,960 --> 00:00:43,880
Hear that, you ponce?

15
00:00:46,200 --> 00:00:48,119
Hello, I'm Benedict Cumberbatch,

16
00:00:48,120 --> 00:00:50,559
with a voice rich and deep like a humidor

17
00:00:50,560 --> 00:00:52,199
drizzled in caramel.

18
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I'm here to talk about a desperate cause.

19
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They said if I swished my
perfectly tousled hair,

20
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and gazed into your soul with my eyes,

21
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green as an emerald forest,

22
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I might convince you to
reach deep into your pockets,

23
00:01:04,320 --> 00:01:06,839
because time is running out.

24
00:01:06,840 --> 00:01:11,039
This week, the UN declared
Ed Miliband a Disaster Zone.

25
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If you do not act now,

26
00:01:12,160 --> 00:01:17,039
literally tens of thousands of
votes may be needlessly lost.

27
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Look, if you want a leader

28
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who's going to wreck the
economy and kill off the NHS,

29
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then I'm your man.

30
00:01:22,920 --> 00:01:24,639
No, I mean, David Cameron is.

31
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Er can I start again?

32
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[David Dimbleby] I'm sorry, Ed, it's live.

33
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Oh Whoa!

34
00:01:29,960 --> 00:01:30,760
[audience gasps]

35
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Your help is desperately needed.

36
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Unless action is taken now,

37
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the Labour Party may struggle to survive.

38
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Just five pounds will buy some
gaffer tape for Ed's mouth.

39
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50 pounds will buy a crash mat,

40
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so Ed won't hurt himself
when he trips over.

41
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A donation of 100 pounds

42
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will go towards buying a ticket back home

43
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for Ed's brother, David.

44
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So, take a little time
to make a big difference.

45
00:01:54,440 --> 00:01:56,959
Ah, Bendyback Cumberface.

46
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Can I just say, I loved you as Poldark.

47
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[Announcer] Clarkson

48
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Hammond and May.

49
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Live!

50
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Yes, I'm back!

51
00:02:05,560 --> 00:02:08,519
If you like cars, bullying
and casual bigotry,

52
00:02:08,520 --> 00:02:11,759
why not join an arena full
of like-minded people?

53
00:02:11,760 --> 00:02:13,319
By which I mean men.

54
00:02:13,320 --> 00:02:16,119
Featuring all your favorite insults,

55
00:02:16,120 --> 00:02:18,879
and of course my all-time greatest hit,

56
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"Bring on the Producer."

57
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[whimpering]

58
00:02:21,520 --> 00:02:22,440
Bosh.

59
00:02:22,441 --> 00:02:25,999
Don't miss my "Thanks For The
Money, Chumps", World Tour.

60
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[Announcer] Warning, no hot
food available at venue.

61
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What?

62
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I'm not sure, like, Ant,
how are we gonna vote?

63
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Er just remind us.

64
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Which one's Labour and
which one's Conservative?

65
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I don't know, I can't
tell them apart any more.

66
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It was easy when one party
used to stand on the right.

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And the other used to stand on the left.

68
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So you always knew which was which.

69
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So, how are we gonna vote?

70
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I don't know, Lib Dem?

71
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[laughing]

72
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You crack me up, man.

73
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[Announcer] Will you please
welcome to the stage,

74
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Britain's biggest joker, Nigel Farage!

75
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[scattered applause]

76
00:03:02,040 --> 00:03:02,880
Settle down, settle down.

77
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Right, here's one.

78
00:03:03,841 --> 00:03:05,639
What's brown and sticky?

79
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Anyone who works for the BBC!

80
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They're all shits.

81
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[laughter]

82
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[Woman] You're a breath
of fresh air in politics.

83
00:03:11,424 --> 00:03:12,359
Who let a woman in?

84
00:03:12,360 --> 00:03:13,360
Only joking, love.

85
00:03:13,361 --> 00:03:16,199
And remember, it's not
sexist, it's just traditional.

86
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Get the dinner on!

87
00:03:17,161 --> 00:03:18,399
[laughter] Here's one.

88
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How many foreign aid workers

89
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does it take to change a light bulb?

90
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None, we should leave it to
the indigenous population

91
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to sort it out themselves.

92
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[Man] What about Nepal?

93
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That's different, that's a disaster.

94
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[Man] You're the disaster, mate!

95
00:03:29,560 --> 00:03:30,400
Now, now.

96
00:03:30,401 --> 00:03:32,559
I know people say UKIP won't
win many seats tomorrow.

97
00:03:32,560 --> 00:03:34,120
I've said it before, I'll say it again.

98
00:03:34,144 --> 00:03:35,319
Don't trust the polls.

99
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Not racist, just
unpleasantly double-edged.

100
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Mine's a pint!

101
00:03:38,601 --> 00:03:41,599
[belching]

102
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♪ She's Mrs Crown ♪

103
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[Announcer] Ladies and gentlemen,

104
00:03:45,824 --> 00:03:47,959
welcome to Mrs Crown's Boys.

105
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[applause]

106
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Hello again.

107
00:03:50,241 --> 00:03:51,679
I suppose you've heard the news?

108
00:03:51,680 --> 00:03:53,280
Well, you could hardly fecking avoid it.

109
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[canned laughter]

110
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Another great-grandchild.

111
00:03:55,920 --> 00:03:57,839
To go with my not-so-great grandchildren

112
00:03:57,840 --> 00:04:00,079
and my four fecking useless kids.

113
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Hello, Mammy.

114
00:04:01,160 --> 00:04:02,279
Talking of which,

115
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what are you so fecking happy about?

116
00:04:03,744 --> 00:04:04,959
The new baby.

117
00:04:04,960 --> 00:04:06,719
She's fourth in line to the throne,

118
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so she's even less likely
to be crowned than I am.

119
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The last thing we need is
another bucking mouth to feed.

120
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Why can't you men keep
it in your trousers?

121
00:04:14,000 --> 00:04:16,040
It's like when Andy started
bringing his girlfriends

122
00:04:16,064 --> 00:04:17,279
back to the Palace.

123
00:04:17,280 --> 00:04:18,120
Buckingham?

124
00:04:18,121 --> 00:04:19,879
I bet he was, the dirty little devil!

125
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[canned laughter]

126
00:04:21,360 --> 00:04:23,319
[Kate and Will humming fanfare]

127
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That's nice.

128
00:04:24,281 --> 00:04:26,239
Can't even afford a fecking fanfare.

129
00:04:26,240 --> 00:04:28,799
Hello, Charlotte, you little sponger.

130
00:04:28,800 --> 00:04:30,239
Welcome to the family.

131
00:04:30,240 --> 00:04:31,080
[breaking wind]

132
00:04:31,080 --> 00:04:32,000
That's a bit rude.

133
00:04:32,001 --> 00:04:34,319
Sorry, I should never have
had that fecking curried swan.

134
00:04:34,320 --> 00:04:35,240
[canned laughter]

135
00:04:35,241 --> 00:04:37,359
So, Mammy, who do you
think she takes after?

136
00:04:37,360 --> 00:04:39,479
Well, she's got your hair.

137
00:04:39,480 --> 00:04:40,719
She hasn't got any hair.

138
00:04:40,720 --> 00:04:41,759
My point exactly.

139
00:04:41,760 --> 00:04:42,919
[canned laughter]

140
00:04:42,920 --> 00:04:44,119
She doesn't do much all day.

141
00:04:44,120 --> 00:04:45,599
She takes after Edward, then.

142
00:04:45,600 --> 00:04:46,759
But she's up all night.

143
00:04:46,760 --> 00:04:50,559
In which case, she takes after Harry.

144
00:04:50,560 --> 00:04:52,159
[All] Definitely Harry!

145
00:04:52,160 --> 00:04:55,000
♪ She's Mrs Crown ♪

146
00:04:56,720 --> 00:04:57,959
George, old pal.

147
00:04:57,960 --> 00:04:59,479
The rest of this year could be a time

148
00:04:59,480 --> 00:05:01,839
for some serious chillaxing.

149
00:05:01,840 --> 00:05:03,439
I'm thinking two weeks in the Algarve,

150
00:05:03,440 --> 00:05:06,159
then 10 days in Tuscany,
three weeks in St Lucia,

151
00:05:06,160 --> 00:05:09,359
followed up with a full month
down in good old Cornwall.

152
00:05:09,360 --> 00:05:12,159
But, David, what if you win the election?

153
00:05:12,160 --> 00:05:15,159
This is if I win the election, obvs.

154
00:05:15,160 --> 00:05:17,720
[upbeat music]

155
00:05:18,640 --> 00:05:20,959
Kanye, Kanye, baby.

156
00:05:20,960 --> 00:05:23,559
Oh, my God, it's a disaster!

157
00:05:23,560 --> 00:05:24,599
What is it, honey?

158
00:05:24,600 --> 00:05:25,679
It's my ass.

159
00:05:25,680 --> 00:05:27,759
My ass just got smaller.

160
00:05:27,760 --> 00:05:29,559
Er honey, that's not your ass.

161
00:05:29,560 --> 00:05:31,479
That's your elbow.

162
00:05:31,480 --> 00:05:32,719
Huh?

163
00:05:32,720 --> 00:05:35,720
[suspenseful music]

164
00:05:42,680 --> 00:05:45,399
Luther, maverick
detective at your service.

165
00:05:45,400 --> 00:05:46,799
Someone asked me to come to Moscow

166
00:05:46,800 --> 00:05:48,599
and help you solve a series of murders.

167
00:05:48,600 --> 00:05:49,520
Murders?

168
00:05:49,521 --> 00:05:50,881
We definitely haven't had a series

169
00:05:50,905 --> 00:05:52,879
of politically motivated murders.

170
00:05:52,880 --> 00:05:54,039
And even if we had,

171
00:05:54,040 --> 00:05:56,439
we have no idea who's
obviously behind them.

172
00:05:56,440 --> 00:05:58,079
So, let me get this straight,

173
00:05:58,080 --> 00:06:00,039
you've no idea who hasn't done the murders

174
00:06:00,040 --> 00:06:01,399
that haven't happened?

175
00:06:01,400 --> 00:06:04,479
No, no idea at all, Detective Luther.

176
00:06:04,480 --> 00:06:06,519
We're completely in the dark.

177
00:06:06,520 --> 00:06:07,679
That's why I like it here.

178
00:06:07,680 --> 00:06:08,959
It's dark and moody.

179
00:06:08,960 --> 00:06:10,319
I could put the lights on.

180
00:06:10,320 --> 00:06:12,439
No, it has to be this way.

181
00:06:12,440 --> 00:06:13,719
It's how my show works.

182
00:06:13,720 --> 00:06:15,079
I go all whispery

183
00:06:15,080 --> 00:06:17,679
and then I suddenly get
angry for no good reason!

184
00:06:17,680 --> 00:06:18,799
Who asked me out here?

185
00:06:18,800 --> 00:06:19,640
Who?

186
00:06:19,640 --> 00:06:20,520
Hello!

187
00:06:20,521 --> 00:06:21,839
It was me.

188
00:06:21,840 --> 00:06:23,279
Why did you get me here?

189
00:06:23,280 --> 00:06:25,119
Because I like the maverick way

190
00:06:25,120 --> 00:06:27,999
you investigate murders, Luther, darling.

191
00:06:28,000 --> 00:06:31,159
You never suspect the
person who obviously did it.

192
00:06:31,160 --> 00:06:33,479
Just because you're an exotic
psychopath with motive,

193
00:06:33,480 --> 00:06:35,919
means and opportunity
doesn't mean you're guilty.

194
00:06:35,920 --> 00:06:37,420
Exactly.

195
00:06:37,640 --> 00:06:40,159
Now, how about you tie me up

196
00:06:40,160 --> 00:06:42,159
and slap me around a bit anyway?

197
00:06:42,160 --> 00:06:43,919
I've got my own handcuffs.

198
00:06:43,920 --> 00:06:44,920
No, thanks.

199
00:06:44,921 --> 00:06:47,919
I've got to go and stand
on a bridge, looking moody.

200
00:06:47,920 --> 00:06:52,199
Aww Dimitri, send for that manly Sherlock.

201
00:06:52,200 --> 00:06:53,840
[Presenter] And now, the weather forecast

202
00:06:53,864 --> 00:06:54,839
with Alex Salmond.

203
00:06:54,840 --> 00:06:55,680
Hello.

204
00:06:55,681 --> 00:06:56,759
A quick look at tomorrow,

205
00:06:56,760 --> 00:07:00,599
and we can see it will yet
again be sunny down in England,

206
00:07:00,600 --> 00:07:03,799
while here in Scotland it'll
be wet, gray and bitter,

207
00:07:03,800 --> 00:07:05,959
thanks to England stealing
all the best weather

208
00:07:05,960 --> 00:07:08,479
as per usual, and forcing
Scotland to be up here,

209
00:07:08,480 --> 00:07:10,719
halfway to the bloody Arctic Circle.

210
00:07:10,720 --> 00:07:13,879
So, let's take a look at
the long-term forecast.

211
00:07:13,880 --> 00:07:15,919
An outbreak of support for the SNP

212
00:07:15,920 --> 00:07:18,199
will see the party sweep into Westminster,

213
00:07:18,200 --> 00:07:20,239
where continued high pressure will lead

214
00:07:20,240 --> 00:07:23,479
to heavy fracking here, here and here.

215
00:07:23,480 --> 00:07:25,799
Which in turn will see
Scotland breaking off

216
00:07:25,800 --> 00:07:28,039
and heading across the Atlantic

217
00:07:28,040 --> 00:07:31,479
to join Sean Connery in the Caribbean.

218
00:07:31,480 --> 00:07:33,399
And you can't get more Scottish than that.

219
00:07:33,400 --> 00:07:34,900
Good night!

220
00:07:36,160 --> 00:07:38,519
[Announcer] This is The Cube,

221
00:07:38,520 --> 00:07:41,319
where simple tasks become epic challenges.

222
00:07:41,320 --> 00:07:43,159
Sophie, welcome to The Cube.

223
00:07:43,160 --> 00:07:44,160
[Announcer] The Cube.

224
00:07:44,161 --> 00:07:47,239
Insincere friendly chat where
we find out more about you.

225
00:07:47,240 --> 00:07:48,080
Well, I...

226
00:07:48,081 --> 00:07:51,079
Moving on, your first game
is called Cross In A Box.

227
00:07:51,080 --> 00:07:52,439
[applause]

228
00:07:52,440 --> 00:07:53,280
[Announcer] All you have to do

229
00:07:53,281 --> 00:07:55,199
is put a cross in the right box,

230
00:07:55,200 --> 00:07:57,559
but which is the right box?

231
00:07:57,560 --> 00:07:59,199
Your time starts now.

232
00:07:59,200 --> 00:08:00,479
[Announcer] Now.

233
00:08:00,480 --> 00:08:01,280
[gasps]

234
00:08:01,280 --> 00:08:02,120
This is impossible.

235
00:08:02,121 --> 00:08:03,401
I don't really like any of them.

236
00:08:03,425 --> 00:08:04,925
Oh, help.

237
00:08:05,120 --> 00:08:05,960
Simplify!

238
00:08:05,961 --> 00:08:07,119
Remember, if you want that one to win,

239
00:08:07,120 --> 00:08:08,200
then vote for the other one

240
00:08:08,201 --> 00:08:09,721
and hope they do a deal with this one,

241
00:08:09,745 --> 00:08:12,199
which means that one actually
holds the balance of power.

242
00:08:12,200 --> 00:08:14,839
[groans]

243
00:08:14,840 --> 00:08:16,839
Okay, I've done it, I've done it!

244
00:08:16,840 --> 00:08:18,239
[applause]

245
00:08:18,240 --> 00:08:19,599
Congratulations, Sophie.

246
00:08:19,600 --> 00:08:22,559
You've won another coalition shitfest!

247
00:08:22,560 --> 00:08:23,560
[Announcer] Shitfest.

248
00:08:23,561 --> 00:08:24,799
Oh, no.

249
00:08:24,800 --> 00:08:27,159
Consoling words that sound like I care.

250
00:08:27,160 --> 00:08:27,960
Now, piss off.

251
00:08:27,961 --> 00:08:29,880
[Announcer] Piss off.

252
00:08:33,440 --> 00:08:34,599
[explosion crashing]

253
00:08:34,600 --> 00:08:37,079
Another hit, boom, whoo-hoo!

254
00:08:37,080 --> 00:08:38,439
I'm going to beat my record.

255
00:08:38,440 --> 00:08:39,719
Launch missile.

256
00:08:39,720 --> 00:08:40,560
[explosion crashing]

257
00:08:40,560 --> 00:08:41,400
Got it!

258
00:08:41,400 --> 00:08:42,200
Great shot.

259
00:08:42,200 --> 00:08:43,120
Oh, that's good to see, sir.

260
00:08:43,121 --> 00:08:45,079
You've finally found something to do.

261
00:08:45,080 --> 00:08:47,599
Yeah, this sure beats playing golf.

262
00:08:47,600 --> 00:08:50,839
Look out, Mr Terrorist,
here comes a drone.

263
00:08:50,840 --> 00:08:54,359
I gotta say, sir, this is
one realistic computer game.

264
00:08:54,360 --> 00:08:55,200
Game?

265
00:08:55,201 --> 00:08:56,639
This ain't no game.

266
00:08:56,640 --> 00:08:57,640
[explosion crashing]

267
00:08:57,641 --> 00:08:59,159
Dang, missed!

268
00:08:59,160 --> 00:09:00,319
Killed some civilians.

269
00:09:00,320 --> 00:09:02,199
There goes my high score.

270
00:09:02,200 --> 00:09:03,040
Shit.

271
00:09:03,041 --> 00:09:05,040
[gasps]

272
00:09:06,000 --> 00:09:08,680
[horns honking]

273
00:09:32,240 --> 00:09:34,800
[horn honking]

274
00:09:36,120 --> 00:09:38,039
Welcome back to Embarrassing Bodies.

275
00:09:38,040 --> 00:09:41,159
Next up, we've got Lib
Dem leader, Nick Clegg.

276
00:09:41,160 --> 00:09:43,159
So what seems to be the problem, Nick?

277
00:09:43,160 --> 00:09:45,679
Well, there's no easy way to say this.

278
00:09:45,680 --> 00:09:49,199
Erm, I'm having trouble
getting my polls up.

279
00:09:49,200 --> 00:09:50,080
I see.

280
00:09:50,081 --> 00:09:52,279
It sounds like what you're suffering from

281
00:09:52,280 --> 00:09:54,479
is electile dysfunction.

282
00:09:54,480 --> 00:09:55,440
I think that's right.

283
00:09:55,441 --> 00:09:56,799
I'm definitely impotent.

284
00:09:56,800 --> 00:09:58,399
Totally and utterly impotent.

285
00:09:58,400 --> 00:09:59,439
And when did this start?

286
00:09:59,440 --> 00:10:01,439
It was about five years ago.

287
00:10:01,440 --> 00:10:03,199
When I got into bed with David Cameron.

288
00:10:03,200 --> 00:10:04,759
So you are still being shafted then?

289
00:10:04,760 --> 00:10:05,919
Oh, yes, all the time.

290
00:10:05,920 --> 00:10:08,999
Ah, well, I think the
best course of action

291
00:10:09,000 --> 00:10:11,039
is to take some time off work.

292
00:10:11,040 --> 00:10:13,679
Starting on, say tomorrow?

293
00:10:13,680 --> 00:10:14,640
Shouldn't be a problem.

294
00:10:14,641 --> 00:10:16,159
Would you like to see my abs?

295
00:10:16,160 --> 00:10:18,639
Yes, actually, I would.

296
00:10:18,640 --> 00:10:21,039
It's a very, very close election,

297
00:10:21,040 --> 00:10:24,239
which is why I'm so excited about it.

298
00:10:24,240 --> 00:10:26,679
Still not sure how I'll be voting.

299
00:10:26,680 --> 00:10:29,839
Do the SNP have a candidate in Surrey?

300
00:10:29,840 --> 00:10:31,340
Freedom!

301
00:10:32,440 --> 00:10:34,359
Have you had an accident at work?

302
00:10:34,360 --> 00:10:37,959
Note to self, mustn't trip
over big pile of boxes.

303
00:10:37,960 --> 00:10:39,639
Oh! [crashing]

304
00:10:39,640 --> 00:10:41,199
I didn't see that coming.

305
00:10:41,200 --> 00:10:42,839
Knowing wink to camera.

306
00:10:42,840 --> 00:10:45,919
Have you recently fallen over
a large pile of empty boxes?

307
00:10:45,920 --> 00:10:48,279
Well, I certainly won't
be doing that again.

308
00:10:48,280 --> 00:10:49,240
Oh! [thudding]

309
00:10:49,241 --> 00:10:51,399
Then call Miranda Direct.

310
00:10:51,400 --> 00:10:53,679
Oh, he's so dishy.

311
00:10:53,680 --> 00:10:56,319
Our team of skilled agents
will contact the BBC

312
00:10:56,320 --> 00:10:57,640
and demand a huge fee for turning

313
00:10:57,664 --> 00:11:00,319
your implausible mishaps into a TV show.

314
00:11:00,320 --> 00:11:01,759
Oops, I've got my necklace caught

315
00:11:01,760 --> 00:11:04,439
in a sushi-bar conveyor belt again!

316
00:11:04,440 --> 00:11:05,280
Oh!

317
00:11:05,281 --> 00:11:07,799
Yes, if you're as
accident-prone as Miranda,

318
00:11:07,800 --> 00:11:10,439
a huge pay-out from
the BBC could be yours.

319
00:11:10,440 --> 00:11:12,919
You too could be laughing
all the way to the bank.

320
00:11:12,920 --> 00:11:14,519
Whoopsie!

321
00:11:14,520 --> 00:11:16,679
Just listen to our satisfied customers.

322
00:11:16,680 --> 00:11:18,039
I called Miranda Direct

323
00:11:18,040 --> 00:11:20,319
and now I'm a laughing
stock on TV as well.

324
00:11:20,320 --> 00:11:21,799
Whoa!

325
00:11:21,800 --> 00:11:24,599
Miranda Direct, we're
waiting for your call.

326
00:11:24,600 --> 00:11:26,199
Oh!

327
00:11:26,200 --> 00:11:29,120
Oh, yes, he's definitely my type.

328
00:11:31,120 --> 00:11:31,960
Am I up for this?

329
00:11:31,961 --> 00:11:33,439
Too bloody right I am.

330
00:11:33,440 --> 00:11:34,719
Bring it on!

331
00:11:34,720 --> 00:11:36,959
Darling, you really
need to get some sleep.

332
00:11:36,960 --> 00:11:38,279
Tomorrow is a big day.

333
00:11:38,280 --> 00:11:39,679
I don't wanna sleep.

334
00:11:39,680 --> 00:11:41,239
I'm too pumped up!

335
00:11:41,240 --> 00:11:43,039
Ooh, I love it when you're like this.

336
00:11:43,040 --> 00:11:43,880
So do I.

337
00:11:43,881 --> 00:11:45,999
This campaign has really
got my juices flowing.

338
00:11:46,000 --> 00:11:47,439
I'm bang up for it!

339
00:11:47,440 --> 00:11:50,039
Ooh, Dave, come here, you animal.

340
00:11:50,040 --> 00:11:50,880
What?

341
00:11:50,881 --> 00:11:52,079
Let's do it.

342
00:11:52,080 --> 00:11:54,159
No, it's the country I wanna fuck.

343
00:11:54,160 --> 00:11:55,919
Phwoar, five more years.

344
00:11:55,920 --> 00:11:56,760
Bring it on!

345
00:11:56,761 --> 00:11:58,920
[moaning]

346
00:12:00,720 --> 00:12:02,919
What a historic moment.

347
00:12:02,920 --> 00:12:05,919
We are about to meet the
newly elected Prime Minister

348
00:12:05,920 --> 00:12:07,319
of Great Britain.

349
00:12:07,320 --> 00:12:08,599
Erm Hi, there.

350
00:12:08,600 --> 00:12:10,559
[laughter]

351
00:12:10,560 --> 00:12:11,919
Why is everyone laughing?

352
00:12:11,920 --> 00:12:13,039
[Woman] He's naked!

353
00:12:13,040 --> 00:12:13,960
[groaning]

354
00:12:13,961 --> 00:12:15,799
Listen, guys, I know I pledged

355
00:12:15,800 --> 00:12:17,559
that if there was a Labour government

356
00:12:17,560 --> 00:12:19,279
I would be wearing clothes, but erm...

357
00:12:19,280 --> 00:12:20,200
[Man] Resign!

358
00:12:20,201 --> 00:12:21,719
This is sensational!

359
00:12:21,720 --> 00:12:23,080
Could Ed Miliband's term in office

360
00:12:23,104 --> 00:12:26,199
be even shorter than his penis?

361
00:12:26,200 --> 00:12:28,199
Look, I inherited these chilly conditions

362
00:12:28,200 --> 00:12:29,959
from the previous Tory government.

363
00:12:29,960 --> 00:12:32,159
Now, please, stop laughing.

364
00:12:32,160 --> 00:12:34,359
Please, stop laughing.

365
00:12:34,360 --> 00:12:36,520
[gasping]

366
00:12:37,480 --> 00:12:40,559
Darling, I've just had the
most terrible nightmare.

367
00:12:40,560 --> 00:12:44,439
I was Prime Minister, and I
simply wasn't up to the job.

368
00:12:44,440 --> 00:12:45,559
Don't worry, dearie.

369
00:12:45,560 --> 00:12:48,119
If you win, I'll be wearing the trousers.

370
00:12:48,120 --> 00:12:50,480
[screaming]

371
00:12:53,280 --> 00:12:56,439
Oh, God, look at the cheap tat
the commoners have sent us.

372
00:12:56,440 --> 00:12:58,519
Do you mind, that was
from Mummy and Daddy.

373
00:12:58,520 --> 00:13:00,599
Oh, well, oh, it's charming.

374
00:13:00,600 --> 00:13:03,239
Don't worry, Pops, all
this is all going on eBay.

375
00:13:03,240 --> 00:13:04,519
Oi, oi, savaloy.

376
00:13:04,520 --> 00:13:05,999
Oh, this looks more promising.

377
00:13:06,000 --> 00:13:06,920
Who's it from?

378
00:13:06,921 --> 00:13:08,719
Hm, Sky News.

379
00:13:08,720 --> 00:13:10,599
Hello, I'm Kay Burley, milking the udder

380
00:13:10,600 --> 00:13:13,759
of human-interest stories
until the teat bleeds.

381
00:13:13,760 --> 00:13:14,600
[hisses]

382
00:13:14,600 --> 00:13:15,400
[shudders]

383
00:13:15,401 --> 00:13:17,039
[laughing] Nappy change for Daddy!

384
00:13:17,040 --> 00:13:18,639
So, are you trying for number three yet

385
00:13:18,640 --> 00:13:20,279
or are you still a bit sore?

386
00:13:20,280 --> 00:13:21,839
That's rather personal.

387
00:13:21,840 --> 00:13:23,159
Shut it, baldy. [hisses]

388
00:13:23,160 --> 00:13:24,799
The big question is,

389
00:13:24,800 --> 00:13:26,759
when's all this unsightly
baby weight going?

390
00:13:26,760 --> 00:13:28,319
I've only just given birth.

391
00:13:28,320 --> 00:13:29,240
Not you!

392
00:13:29,241 --> 00:13:31,239
I'm talking about Princess Porky.

393
00:13:31,240 --> 00:13:32,919
Eight pounds and three ounces?

394
00:13:32,920 --> 00:13:34,759
That body's not beach ready.

395
00:13:34,760 --> 00:13:36,719
Don't you fat shame my baby!

396
00:13:36,720 --> 00:13:37,560
Ow!

397
00:13:37,561 --> 00:13:38,799
Stitch that, Burley.

398
00:13:38,800 --> 00:13:39,839
Nice one, Mum!

399
00:13:39,840 --> 00:13:42,239
Why didn't Pacquiao give
Mayweather a bit of that ey?

400
00:13:42,240 --> 00:13:43,840
Knockout, be lucky!

401
00:13:47,040 --> 00:13:48,639
No, vote bad.

402
00:13:48,640 --> 00:13:50,519
Dictator system much better.

403
00:13:50,520 --> 00:13:52,399
You must accept Supreme Leader

404
00:13:52,400 --> 00:13:54,839
brought up to rule nation
with life of luxury

405
00:13:54,840 --> 00:13:56,319
and pots of money.

406
00:13:56,320 --> 00:13:59,199
Oh, hang on, that sounds
like David Cameron.

407
00:13:59,200 --> 00:14:00,700
Ooh!

408
00:14:02,600 --> 00:14:04,679
[Announcer] Legend speaks of a man.

409
00:14:04,680 --> 00:14:06,679
[Woman] Oh, my God, what's happening?

410
00:14:06,680 --> 00:14:08,239
[Announcer] Who will stop at nothing

411
00:14:08,240 --> 00:14:09,040
Where am I?

412
00:14:09,040 --> 00:14:09,880
Who are you?

413
00:14:09,881 --> 00:14:11,839
[Announcer] In his pursuit of evil.

414
00:14:11,840 --> 00:14:14,959
I'm going to suck you
dry of all your talent.

415
00:14:14,960 --> 00:14:16,279
No! [thunder crashing]

416
00:14:16,280 --> 00:14:19,199
[Announcer] Simon Cowell,
Prince of Blandness.

417
00:14:19,200 --> 00:14:20,560
I am going to take over the planet

418
00:14:20,584 --> 00:14:22,239
with my army of pop zombies,

419
00:14:22,240 --> 00:14:25,919
led by my most terrifying
creation yet, Harry Styles!

420
00:14:25,920 --> 00:14:27,519
So tired, need sleep.

421
00:14:27,520 --> 00:14:28,879
Want to leave the band.

422
00:14:28,880 --> 00:14:30,759
No, your world tour must go on for ever.

423
00:14:30,760 --> 00:14:31,879
Aaaah.

424
00:14:31,880 --> 00:14:33,399
Don't worry, we'll auto-tune that.

425
00:14:33,400 --> 00:14:35,679
[Announcer] He preys on the vulnerable.

426
00:14:35,680 --> 00:14:38,039
♪ I dreamed a dream ♪

427
00:14:38,040 --> 00:14:39,119
Quiet, Susan.

428
00:14:39,120 --> 00:14:40,320
I'll let you out at Christmas.

429
00:14:40,344 --> 00:14:43,599
[Susan] Oh, thank you, Mr Cowell.

430
00:14:43,600 --> 00:14:45,439
[Announcer] He inflicts
unspeakable atrocities

431
00:14:45,440 --> 00:14:46,360
on the world.

432
00:14:46,361 --> 00:14:49,359
I'm planning three more Pudsey movies.

433
00:14:49,360 --> 00:14:52,879
[Announcer] Simon Cowell is an evil count.

434
00:14:52,880 --> 00:14:54,719
Okay, I know what you've done there,

435
00:14:54,720 --> 00:14:58,800
and you will never voice-over
in this town again.

436
00:15:00,240 --> 00:15:02,199
I have to say, it's shocking

437
00:15:02,200 --> 00:15:03,360
that the streets of Baltimore

438
00:15:03,384 --> 00:15:05,079
are over-run with mindless thugs

439
00:15:05,080 --> 00:15:07,479
committing acts of violence and brutality

440
00:15:07,480 --> 00:15:09,079
with zero respect for the law.

441
00:15:09,080 --> 00:15:10,919
[Reporter] Can't the police stop them?

442
00:15:10,920 --> 00:15:12,919
I was talking about the police.

443
00:15:12,920 --> 00:15:14,079
Awkward!

444
00:15:14,080 --> 00:15:16,680
[upbeat music]

445
00:15:18,120 --> 00:15:20,399
Oh, this is terrible.

446
00:15:20,400 --> 00:15:21,879
Just terrible.

447
00:15:21,880 --> 00:15:22,919
Tell me about it.

448
00:15:22,920 --> 00:15:24,240
Miriam cheered me up this morning

449
00:15:24,241 --> 00:15:26,561
saying on the bright side,
there will always be work for me

450
00:15:26,585 --> 00:15:27,919
on the after-dinner circuit.

451
00:15:27,920 --> 00:15:30,639
Yeah, someone has to do the washing-up.

452
00:15:30,640 --> 00:15:32,140
Cheers, Vince.

453
00:15:34,400 --> 00:15:36,639
This week we're house-hunting in Dorset

454
00:15:36,640 --> 00:15:39,319
for John and Susan and their young family.

455
00:15:39,320 --> 00:15:40,959
But they're going to have to be flexible

456
00:15:40,960 --> 00:15:45,199
if they want to find
somewhere within their budget.

457
00:15:45,200 --> 00:15:46,679
So, first impressions?

458
00:15:46,680 --> 00:15:49,279
To be honest, I don't
really like the vibe.

459
00:15:49,280 --> 00:15:51,399
There's something creepy about this place.

460
00:15:51,400 --> 00:15:52,439
I knew you'd like it.

461
00:15:52,440 --> 00:15:53,759
Perfect, isn't it?

462
00:15:53,760 --> 00:15:56,199
No, we're not sure about the town either.

463
00:15:56,200 --> 00:15:58,039
Everyone seems a bit miserable.

464
00:15:58,040 --> 00:15:58,880
Nonsense.

465
00:15:58,881 --> 00:16:00,599
Broadchurch is a lovely place.

466
00:16:00,600 --> 00:16:02,799
Hello, Kirsty, have you sold my house yet?

467
00:16:02,800 --> 00:16:04,479
It's only a matter of time.

468
00:16:04,480 --> 00:16:06,919
Really, that's great news.

469
00:16:06,920 --> 00:16:09,319
So they don't mind that a
murderous pedophile lived here?

470
00:16:09,320 --> 00:16:11,159
A murderous pedophile lived here?

471
00:16:11,160 --> 00:16:12,759
Oh, well done!

472
00:16:12,760 --> 00:16:13,879
I'm sorry.

473
00:16:13,880 --> 00:16:16,439
I'm always messing things up. [sobbing]

474
00:16:16,440 --> 00:16:17,599
Don't worry, I've got this.

475
00:16:17,600 --> 00:16:19,719
You two are putting in an offer.

476
00:16:19,720 --> 00:16:22,279
They are offering 20K
over the asking price.

477
00:16:22,280 --> 00:16:24,159
Brilliant, I'm so happy!

478
00:16:24,160 --> 00:16:25,239
We don't want to buy it.

479
00:16:25,240 --> 00:16:28,039
[sobbing] I'm so sad.

480
00:16:28,040 --> 00:16:30,159
Look, you muppets, you're going to buy it

481
00:16:30,160 --> 00:16:31,639
because we need something to happen

482
00:16:31,640 --> 00:16:33,239
in the final part of the show.

483
00:16:33,240 --> 00:16:34,399
And if you don't like it,

484
00:16:34,400 --> 00:16:36,839
there's a nice big cliff
to throw yourself off.

485
00:16:36,840 --> 00:16:38,919
Now, let's have a drink to celebrate.

486
00:16:38,920 --> 00:16:40,439
Neither of us drinks.

487
00:16:40,440 --> 00:16:44,439
You will, once you've
moved in here. [sobbing]

488
00:16:44,440 --> 00:16:46,799
I'll tell you what I'm
going to do on May 7th,

489
00:16:46,800 --> 00:16:50,919
I'm going back in time to
shove a sonic screwdriver

490
00:16:50,920 --> 00:16:54,919
up the jacksy of the Athenian
who invented democracy.

491
00:16:54,920 --> 00:16:56,119
Oh, and figs!

492
00:16:56,120 --> 00:16:59,119
I'm going to kill the Greek
the bastard who gave us figs.

493
00:16:59,120 --> 00:17:01,679
They're wee shite nuggets,
that's what figs are.

494
00:17:01,680 --> 00:17:03,079
[blow raspberry] There's a fig!

495
00:17:03,080 --> 00:17:05,919
People often say to
me, "David", and I say,

496
00:17:05,920 --> 00:17:07,679
"Call me Dave".

497
00:17:07,680 --> 00:17:09,959
"Dave, for five years
you've been Prime Minister

498
00:17:09,960 --> 00:17:11,959
of a country in economic turmoil.

499
00:17:11,960 --> 00:17:13,839
How come you haven't aged a day,

500
00:17:13,840 --> 00:17:15,479
unlike other world leaders,

501
00:17:15,480 --> 00:17:17,199
who end up looking like an old apple core

502
00:17:17,200 --> 00:17:19,399
that's been left in a glove compartment?

503
00:17:19,400 --> 00:17:22,199
Whereas you, "Call me Dave,"

504
00:17:22,200 --> 00:17:24,839
have plump, youthful, shiny skin,

505
00:17:24,840 --> 00:17:29,119
with cheeks as soft as a silk
cloud filled with blancmange."

506
00:17:29,120 --> 00:17:30,879
So, what's my secret?

507
00:17:30,880 --> 00:17:32,359
[Woman] Chillax.

508
00:17:32,360 --> 00:17:34,719
It's not a cream. [smashing]

509
00:17:34,720 --> 00:17:36,999
It's a way of life!

510
00:17:37,000 --> 00:17:38,999
Just 'chillax',

511
00:17:39,000 --> 00:17:41,319
put your feet up and do bugger all.

512
00:17:41,320 --> 00:17:44,959
That plus my uncanny ability
to only care about myself

513
00:17:44,960 --> 00:17:48,879
is why my head looks like a
thumb with a face drawn on it.

514
00:17:48,880 --> 00:17:50,439
[Woman] Chillax.

515
00:17:50,440 --> 00:17:52,719
What's that, the election
result's on a knife edge?

516
00:17:52,720 --> 00:17:56,559
I'm on my way to Cornwall for a minibreak.

517
00:17:56,560 --> 00:17:58,360
[Announcer] Warning:
Chillax may have unwanted

518
00:17:58,384 --> 00:18:02,464
side-effects, such as
being kicked out of office.

519
00:18:34,200 --> 00:18:36,839
[Woman] Er, who should I vote for?

520
00:18:36,840 --> 00:18:38,340
Green.

521
00:18:40,640 --> 00:18:42,640
[sighs]

522
00:18:44,440 --> 00:18:46,359
I'm enormously proud to unveil

523
00:18:46,360 --> 00:18:49,079
this magnificent rock
engraved with the six pledges

524
00:18:49,080 --> 00:18:52,719
that a Labour government
absolutely guarantees to commit to.

525
00:18:52,720 --> 00:18:56,360
Although obviously
they're not set in stone.

526
00:18:58,080 --> 00:18:59,580
At least I tried.

527
00:19:01,240 --> 00:19:02,240
Passport, please.

528
00:19:02,241 --> 00:19:04,479
Sorry, I think you meant to say,

529
00:19:04,480 --> 00:19:06,639
"Oh, my word, it's Paul Hollywood,

530
00:19:06,640 --> 00:19:09,839
the great British baker
with the smoking hot buns.

531
00:19:09,840 --> 00:19:11,439
I'll give him an upgrade."

532
00:19:11,440 --> 00:19:13,079
No, passport, please.

533
00:19:13,080 --> 00:19:14,759
It's open on the photo page,

534
00:19:14,760 --> 00:19:18,079
so I just turned up the
temperature in your bottom oven

535
00:19:18,080 --> 00:19:19,999
to gas mark sex.

536
00:19:20,000 --> 00:19:21,799
[sighs] Have you got any baggage, sir?

537
00:19:21,800 --> 00:19:24,719
Well a guy like me does
come with a bit of history.

538
00:19:24,720 --> 00:19:25,600
The suitcase.

539
00:19:25,600 --> 00:19:27,100
Oh, yes.

540
00:19:27,480 --> 00:19:29,239
I'm afraid you've exceeded your allowance.

541
00:19:29,240 --> 00:19:31,519
Well, I do pack more than the average man.

542
00:19:31,520 --> 00:19:32,719
That'll be 200 quid.

543
00:19:32,720 --> 00:19:34,239
That's a substantial figure.

544
00:19:34,240 --> 00:19:38,039
Much like me nude, greased,
lightly dusted with icing sugar,

545
00:19:38,040 --> 00:19:41,319
and served up for afternoon tea
with a jug of whipped cream.

546
00:19:41,320 --> 00:19:42,160
Right, that's it.

547
00:19:42,161 --> 00:19:43,399
Security!

548
00:19:43,400 --> 00:19:45,879
Sorry, Paul, it's time for you to leave.

549
00:19:45,880 --> 00:19:49,079
Oh, am I going to be the meat
in a Mel and Sue sandwich?

550
00:19:49,080 --> 00:19:50,580
No way!

551
00:19:51,400 --> 00:19:53,599
Oh, right in the sugared plums!

552
00:19:53,600 --> 00:19:55,519
That stopped his souffle rising.

553
00:19:55,520 --> 00:19:57,760
[giggling]

554
00:20:01,320 --> 00:20:03,959
♪ Politics is just a game ♪

555
00:20:03,960 --> 00:20:06,959
♪ None of us have any shame ♪

556
00:20:06,960 --> 00:20:09,199
♪ Now it's time for you to vote ♪

557
00:20:09,200 --> 00:20:10,040
♪ Mmm-mmm ♪

558
00:20:10,041 --> 00:20:12,239
♪ I think I'll go and get my coat ♪

559
00:20:12,240 --> 00:20:13,120
♪ Mmm-mmm ♪

560
00:20:13,121 --> 00:20:15,959
♪ At doing interviews, I'm green ♪

561
00:20:15,960 --> 00:20:19,039
♪ I'm far posher than I seem ♪

562
00:20:19,040 --> 00:20:21,079
♪ Independence is my aim ♪

563
00:20:21,080 --> 00:20:22,239
♪ Mmm-mmm ♪

564
00:20:22,240 --> 00:20:24,279
♪ Even I forget my name ♪

565
00:20:24,280 --> 00:20:25,120
♪ Boom-boom ♪

566
00:20:25,121 --> 00:20:27,879
♪ Another coalition ♪

567
00:20:27,880 --> 00:20:30,639
♪ Such a nightmare vision ♪

568
00:20:30,640 --> 00:20:33,519
♪ Who wins is my decision ♪

569
00:20:33,520 --> 00:20:34,879
♪ Or it could be mine ♪

570
00:20:34,880 --> 00:20:35,720
♪ Or mine ♪

571
00:20:35,720 --> 00:20:36,560
♪ Or Mine ♪

572
00:20:36,561 --> 00:20:38,119
♪ No, come on, guys ♪

573
00:20:38,120 --> 00:20:40,879
♪ The voters gonna hate,
hate, hate, hate, hate ♪

574
00:20:40,880 --> 00:20:43,799
♪ None of us they rate,
rate, rate, rate, rate ♪

575
00:20:43,800 --> 00:20:46,879
♪ Though I pretend that I'm
their mate, mate, mate, mate ♪

576
00:20:46,880 --> 00:20:48,199
♪ We put the voters off ♪

577
00:20:48,200 --> 00:20:49,120
♪ Voters off ♪

578
00:20:49,121 --> 00:20:52,039
♪ I know you want to punch my face ♪

579
00:20:52,040 --> 00:20:54,959
♪ And you think I'm a waste of space ♪

580
00:20:54,960 --> 00:20:56,759
♪ Whichever one of us you choose ♪

581
00:20:56,760 --> 00:20:57,999
♪ Mmm-mmm ♪

582
00:20:58,000 --> 00:21:00,159
♪ The whole country's gonna lose ♪

583
00:21:00,160 --> 00:21:01,080
♪ Mmm-mmm ♪

584
00:21:01,081 --> 00:21:03,759
♪ But let's make one thing clear ♪

585
00:21:03,760 --> 00:21:06,479
♪ Things might be bad here ♪

586
00:21:06,480 --> 00:21:09,439
♪ But look at North Korea ♪

587
00:21:09,440 --> 00:21:11,599
♪ No voting here at all ♪

588
00:21:11,600 --> 00:21:14,119
♪ Stick you up against the wall ♪

589
00:21:14,120 --> 00:21:16,959
♪ We're all so bloody lame,
lame, lame, lame, lame ♪

590
00:21:16,960 --> 00:21:19,839
♪ You really can't be blamed,
blamed, blamed, blamed, blamed ♪

591
00:21:19,840 --> 00:21:22,679
♪ If you think we're all the
same, same, same, same, same ♪

592
00:21:22,680 --> 00:21:24,079
♪ We put the voters off ♪

593
00:21:24,080 --> 00:21:25,839
♪ The voters off ♪

594
00:21:25,840 --> 00:21:28,959
♪ So as you go to the polls,
polls, polls, polls, polls ♪

595
00:21:28,960 --> 00:21:31,639
♪ Decide which of us arseholes,
holes, holes, holes, holes ♪

596
00:21:31,640 --> 00:21:34,679
♪ Sucks the least life from your
souls, souls, souls, souls ♪

597
00:21:34,680 --> 00:21:36,159
♪ Vote for me ♪

598
00:21:36,160 --> 00:21:37,279
♪ Vote for me ♪

599
00:21:37,280 --> 00:21:39,399
♪ Vote for me ♪

600
00:21:39,400 --> 00:21:40,280
♪ Vote for me ♪

601
00:21:40,280 --> 00:21:41,160
♪ Me me me ♪

602
00:21:41,161 --> 00:21:42,199
♪ Vote for me ♪

603
00:21:42,200 --> 00:21:43,080
♪ Vote for me ♪

604
00:21:43,080 --> 00:21:44,040
♪ Me me me ♪

605
00:21:44,041 --> 00:21:45,279
♪ Vote for me ♪

606
00:21:45,280 --> 00:21:46,120
♪ Vote for me ♪

607
00:21:46,120 --> 00:21:46,960
♪ Me me me ♪

608
00:21:46,960 --> 00:21:47,800
♪ Vote for me ♪

609
00:21:47,800 --> 00:21:48,640
♪ Me me me ♪

610
00:21:48,641 --> 00:21:51,319
♪ Vote for me ♪

611
00:21:51,320 --> 00:21:52,820
[groans]

612
00:21:53,000 --> 00:21:55,040
[upbeat music]