1
00:00:00,000 --> 00:00:03,000
[upbeat rock music]

2
00:00:08,360 --> 00:00:09,200
[audience applauds]

3
00:00:09,201 --> 00:00:11,359
And the nominations for
best female performance

4
00:00:11,360 --> 00:00:14,879
in a light-hearted comedy
or pedo-based drama are.

5
00:00:14,880 --> 00:00:17,679
[Announcer] Olivia Colman, Olivia Colman,

6
00:00:17,680 --> 00:00:20,159
Olivia Colman, and Olivia Colman.

7
00:00:20,160 --> 00:00:23,999
And the winner is, oh,
huh, this is unexpected,

8
00:00:24,000 --> 00:00:25,719
the Conservative Party.

9
00:00:25,720 --> 00:00:28,919
- [elegant orchestral music]
- [sobbing]

10
00:00:28,920 --> 00:00:30,519
- [loud thud]
- We won!

11
00:00:30,520 --> 00:00:32,159
Of course we did!

12
00:00:32,160 --> 00:00:34,479
We promise to cut funding for the arts.

13
00:00:34,480 --> 00:00:36,959
And dismantle the BBC!

14
00:00:36,960 --> 00:00:39,039
Up yours, ya lefty luvvies!

15
00:00:39,040 --> 00:00:40,540
Bah!

16
00:00:41,680 --> 00:00:43,559
Hello, I'm Amanda Holden

17
00:00:43,560 --> 00:00:45,719
and welcome to the bit
between the adverts.

18
00:00:45,720 --> 00:00:48,399
This is the show where we
find a special forever home

19
00:00:48,400 --> 00:00:50,880
for unloved and abandoned politicians.

20
00:00:54,120 --> 00:00:55,199
This is Nigel.

21
00:00:55,200 --> 00:00:57,039
We found him wandering
the streets of Thanet.

22
00:00:57,040 --> 00:00:59,279
Out, out, out, out, out!

23
00:00:59,280 --> 00:01:00,959
Poor thing's been rejected.

24
00:01:00,960 --> 00:01:03,399
Well, he is a little
prone to attacking people.

25
00:01:03,400 --> 00:01:04,240
Bloody foreigners!

26
00:01:04,241 --> 00:01:05,439
- [growls]
- Feisty.

27
00:01:05,440 --> 00:01:06,519
[chuckles]

28
00:01:06,520 --> 00:01:07,559
This is Ed.

29
00:01:07,560 --> 00:01:09,159
He's been horribly beaten

30
00:01:09,160 --> 00:01:11,679
and now literally nobody wants him.

31
00:01:11,680 --> 00:01:12,959
Ed Balls! Ed Balls!

32
00:01:12,960 --> 00:01:13,880
Bless.

33
00:01:13,880 --> 00:01:14,720
[chuckles]

34
00:01:14,721 --> 00:01:15,919
And here's Vince.

35
00:01:15,920 --> 00:01:18,399
His ear hair is in bad need of a trim.

36
00:01:18,400 --> 00:01:19,919
He's been terribly neglected.

37
00:01:19,920 --> 00:01:21,519
- Haven't you, old boy?
- [panting]

38
00:01:21,520 --> 00:01:22,919
Is it time for the election yet?

39
00:01:22,920 --> 00:01:24,879
So please get in touch now

40
00:01:24,880 --> 00:01:26,559
or we'll just stick them all in a sack

41
00:01:26,560 --> 00:01:28,039
and throw them in the canal.

42
00:01:28,040 --> 00:01:28,920
[grunting]

43
00:01:28,920 --> 00:01:30,420
Oh, no.

44
00:01:30,840 --> 00:01:32,519
Someone got a bucket of water?

45
00:01:32,520 --> 00:01:34,600
[laughs]

46
00:01:54,680 --> 00:01:55,520
Oh, yums.

47
00:01:55,521 --> 00:01:56,959
I'll take a photo for Mumsnet.

48
00:01:56,960 --> 00:01:58,519
- [camera snaps]
- So embarrassing.

49
00:01:58,520 --> 00:02:01,679
[angelic singing]

50
00:02:01,680 --> 00:02:03,479
Fess up your sins, my child.

51
00:02:03,480 --> 00:02:05,839
And remember, they will remain a secret

52
00:02:05,840 --> 00:02:09,079
between you, me, and
the big fella upstairs.

53
00:02:09,080 --> 00:02:11,559
That's exactly why Jeremy Kyle's here!

54
00:02:11,560 --> 00:02:13,359
Sins should not be kept private.

55
00:02:13,360 --> 00:02:14,479
They should be broadcast

56
00:02:14,480 --> 00:02:17,879
for the nation's
entertainment on the Me Show!

57
00:02:17,880 --> 00:02:20,159
Only God can judge sinners!

58
00:02:20,160 --> 00:02:22,159
Only Jeremy Kyle can judge sinners

59
00:02:22,160 --> 00:02:24,639
and sentence them to public humiliation.

60
00:02:24,640 --> 00:02:27,359
Now give me your top sinners,
I've got a show to fill!

61
00:02:27,360 --> 00:02:28,479
Go to hell!

62
00:02:28,480 --> 00:02:30,239
Where do you think I came from?

63
00:02:30,240 --> 00:02:31,160
Oh, mama mia.

64
00:02:31,160 --> 00:02:32,160
[car revs]

65
00:02:32,160 --> 00:02:33,040
Wahoo!

66
00:02:33,041 --> 00:02:35,679
Dave, mate, you're driving like a lunatic!

67
00:02:35,680 --> 00:02:36,799
I love it.

68
00:02:36,800 --> 00:02:38,159
Labour can eat my dust!

69
00:02:38,160 --> 00:02:39,000
And better still,

70
00:02:39,001 --> 00:02:41,279
there's no bloody Clegg
in the passenger seat!

71
00:02:41,280 --> 00:02:42,080
Huzzah!

72
00:02:42,081 --> 00:02:43,401
- [bottle smashes]
- It's amazing.

73
00:02:43,425 --> 00:02:45,799
I hit one producer in
the face and get fired.

74
00:02:45,800 --> 00:02:49,119
You kick the whole country
in the nuts for five years

75
00:02:49,120 --> 00:02:50,639
and they're asking for more!

76
00:02:50,640 --> 00:02:53,799
Yes, I can do anything I
want and they still love me.

77
00:02:53,800 --> 00:02:54,680
Watch this.

78
00:02:54,681 --> 00:02:56,119
- [tires screech]
- Bloody hell!

79
00:02:56,120 --> 00:02:57,199
- Look out!
- Help!

80
00:02:57,200 --> 00:03:01,279
- [loud thud]
- [yelps]

81
00:03:01,280 --> 00:03:02,319
[groans]

82
00:03:02,320 --> 00:03:03,320
Holy crap!

83
00:03:03,321 --> 00:03:05,479
She's in a worse state
than Richard Hammond.

84
00:03:05,480 --> 00:03:07,199
Get this woman to a hospital.

85
00:03:07,200 --> 00:03:08,160
You are kidding?

86
00:03:08,161 --> 00:03:10,839
Listen, you old bat, we've
closed your local hospital.

87
00:03:10,840 --> 00:03:12,239
You'll have to crawl home.

88
00:03:12,240 --> 00:03:13,080
[groans]

89
00:03:13,081 --> 00:03:14,639
Now, will you still vote Conservative?

90
00:03:14,640 --> 00:03:16,119
Oh, yes, dear.

91
00:03:16,120 --> 00:03:18,799
I don't want to risk that Scottish lot.

92
00:03:18,800 --> 00:03:19,879
Unbelievable.

93
00:03:19,880 --> 00:03:22,559
Right, you steal her purse
while I run over her again.

94
00:03:22,560 --> 00:03:25,199
Dave, I never thought I'd say this,

95
00:03:25,200 --> 00:03:26,999
but you've gone too far.

96
00:03:27,000 --> 00:03:28,079
Oh, cheers.

97
00:03:28,080 --> 00:03:31,080
[upbeat rock music]

98
00:03:33,280 --> 00:03:35,599
Kanye, honey, can you take a photo of me,

99
00:03:35,600 --> 00:03:38,399
taking a photo of me, holding
my book of photos of me?

100
00:03:38,400 --> 00:03:39,679
Sure thing, Kim.

101
00:03:39,680 --> 00:03:40,719
[tablet rings]

102
00:03:40,720 --> 00:03:43,759
- Hello?
- Hello, it's Kim here!

103
00:03:43,760 --> 00:03:44,839
WTF?

104
00:03:44,840 --> 00:03:45,680
I'm Kim.

105
00:03:45,681 --> 00:03:47,719
I am world's number one Kim!

106
00:03:47,720 --> 00:03:51,559
You have stolen my idea for
book full of photos of Kim!

107
00:03:51,560 --> 00:03:52,400
No way!

108
00:03:52,401 --> 00:03:53,599
Yours will never sell.

109
00:03:53,600 --> 00:03:55,479
You don't have as many followers as me.

110
00:03:55,480 --> 00:03:59,639
I've got 25 million followers,
minus one I just execute!

111
00:03:59,640 --> 00:04:01,439
Your photos are rubbish!

112
00:04:01,440 --> 00:04:04,239
You not even have one single photo of you

113
00:04:04,240 --> 00:04:06,319
pointing at fish canning factory!

114
00:04:06,320 --> 00:04:09,319
Now, listen to me, I'm the
world's number one Kim.

115
00:04:09,320 --> 00:04:10,919
Kanye, you tell him.

116
00:04:10,920 --> 00:04:12,519
Which one of us is the best Kim?

117
00:04:12,520 --> 00:04:14,879
Well, honey, you know
how I love big asses.

118
00:04:14,880 --> 00:04:17,199
Well, he's the biggest ass I ever saw.

119
00:04:17,200 --> 00:04:19,159
Ha-ha, in your face, Kim!

120
00:04:19,160 --> 00:04:20,639
[knocking]

121
00:04:20,640 --> 00:04:21,480
Hello.

122
00:04:21,481 --> 00:04:24,039
We're trying to find out why
the election opinion polls

123
00:04:24,040 --> 00:04:25,999
were completely and utterly wrong.

124
00:04:26,000 --> 00:04:29,279
Can I ask you, do you
ever lie to opinion polls?

125
00:04:29,280 --> 00:04:31,000
I'm sorry, I'm not in.

126
00:04:32,440 --> 00:04:34,159
[door slams]

127
00:04:34,160 --> 00:04:35,040
Oh, Benedict.

128
00:04:35,041 --> 00:04:36,919
That was incredible, darling.

129
00:04:36,920 --> 00:04:38,519
Not as incredible as you.

130
00:04:38,520 --> 00:04:39,520
Don't.

131
00:04:39,521 --> 00:04:42,600
I've told you, Sophie,
I'm just an ordinary guy.

132
00:04:45,040 --> 00:04:45,880
[crowd gasps]

133
00:04:45,881 --> 00:04:47,279
Look, there he is!

134
00:04:47,280 --> 00:04:49,479
[All] The chosen one has woken!

135
00:04:49,480 --> 00:04:51,759
All hail the Messiah!

136
00:04:51,760 --> 00:04:52,680
Oh, shit.

137
00:04:52,681 --> 00:04:56,319
He's not just the Messiah,
he's a very sexy boy.

138
00:04:56,320 --> 00:04:57,919
Would you please listen to me?!

139
00:04:57,920 --> 00:04:59,599
You mustn't worship me!

140
00:04:59,600 --> 00:05:01,439
I'm just Benedict.

141
00:05:01,440 --> 00:05:02,280
Benedict!

142
00:05:02,281 --> 00:05:04,079
He even has a saintly name!

143
00:05:04,080 --> 00:05:06,239
[Crowd] Hail, Saint Benedict!

144
00:05:06,240 --> 00:05:08,359
Please, I'm not a saint!

145
00:05:08,360 --> 00:05:10,159
I played a baddie in Star Trek!

146
00:05:10,160 --> 00:05:12,319
[All] Oh, we loved you in that!

147
00:05:12,320 --> 00:05:15,479
I played the part of a
pedophile rapist in Atonement!

148
00:05:15,480 --> 00:05:16,519
[crowd gasps]

149
00:05:16,520 --> 00:05:18,799
Only a true saint would
dare to play the part

150
00:05:18,800 --> 00:05:20,199
of a pedophile rapist.

151
00:05:20,200 --> 00:05:21,439
[All] He's a saint!

152
00:05:21,440 --> 00:05:23,839
We are your Cumberbitches!

153
00:05:23,840 --> 00:05:24,959
Don't say that word!

154
00:05:24,960 --> 00:05:27,159
I won't allow you to be my bitches!

155
00:05:27,160 --> 00:05:29,040
You are Cumberpeople.

156
00:05:30,160 --> 00:05:31,000
[All] Yes!

157
00:05:31,001 --> 00:05:34,079
We are your Cumberpeoplebitches!

158
00:05:34,080 --> 00:05:35,559
Oh, crikey.

159
00:05:35,560 --> 00:05:38,919
You do know Eddie Redmayne
lives just down the road?

160
00:05:38,920 --> 00:05:39,800
[All] Does he?!

161
00:05:39,800 --> 00:05:41,300
Ooh!

162
00:05:42,000 --> 00:05:43,599
People are so shallow!

163
00:05:43,600 --> 00:05:45,799
Just because he won the Oscar...

164
00:05:45,800 --> 00:05:46,959
Darling?

165
00:05:46,960 --> 00:05:47,920
Darling?!

166
00:05:47,921 --> 00:05:49,599
- [door slams]
- Wait for me!

167
00:05:49,600 --> 00:05:50,440
[Benedict growls]

168
00:05:50,441 --> 00:05:54,199
[upbeat synthesizer music]

169
00:05:54,200 --> 00:05:55,200
Dah.

170
00:05:55,201 --> 00:06:00,200
Yeah.

171
00:06:51,880 --> 00:06:53,999
- Whoa!
- [loud crash]

172
00:06:54,000 --> 00:06:54,840
[loud thud]

173
00:06:54,841 --> 00:06:57,679
[angelic singing]

174
00:06:57,680 --> 00:07:00,159
Now, confess your sins, my son.

175
00:07:00,160 --> 00:07:01,279
Sins?

176
00:07:01,280 --> 00:07:02,759
I have no sins.

177
00:07:02,760 --> 00:07:05,279
It was a perfectly legal
investment at the time.

178
00:07:05,280 --> 00:07:08,319
It was only later found to
be a tax-avoidance scheme.

179
00:07:08,320 --> 00:07:11,279
No, I was talking about that duet you did

180
00:07:11,280 --> 00:07:12,639
with Michael Buble!

181
00:07:12,640 --> 00:07:14,919
Oh, yeah, that was a bit of a stinker.

182
00:07:14,920 --> 00:07:17,999
[upbeat music]

183
00:07:18,000 --> 00:07:19,919
Welcome to Election Match of the Day

184
00:07:19,920 --> 00:07:21,159
with me, Nick Robinson.

185
00:07:21,160 --> 00:07:23,999
My brain's so big, it's
pushed all my hair out.

186
00:07:24,000 --> 00:07:27,079
We start with the shock
result from last week.

187
00:07:27,080 --> 00:07:28,759
I don't think anyone saw this one coming.

188
00:07:28,760 --> 00:07:29,799
- Eh, Roy?
- [snoring]

189
00:07:29,800 --> 00:07:31,679
- Roy!
- [gasps]

190
00:07:31,680 --> 00:07:33,239
What is it? An air raid?

191
00:07:33,240 --> 00:07:35,359
Anyway, as I always say,

192
00:07:35,360 --> 00:07:38,919
there are no easy results
in international politics.

193
00:07:38,920 --> 00:07:41,719
I remember one time against Moldova...

194
00:07:41,720 --> 00:07:44,439
Yes, well, let's have a
look at the key moment.

195
00:07:44,440 --> 00:07:46,239
[Roy] As you can see, the boy Miliband

196
00:07:46,240 --> 00:07:48,479
has got a massive open
goal in front of him.

197
00:07:48,480 --> 00:07:49,320
I can do this.

198
00:07:49,320 --> 00:07:50,160
I can do this.

199
00:07:50,161 --> 00:07:51,639
I'm a happy warrior.

200
00:07:51,640 --> 00:07:53,759
All he's got to do is slot it home.

201
00:07:53,760 --> 00:07:56,919
It seems inconceivable that
he could possibly miss.

202
00:07:56,920 --> 00:07:58,720
But, but, but, but, but,
but, but, hell, yeah!

203
00:07:58,744 --> 00:07:59,999
- [yelps]
- [loud thud]

204
00:08:00,000 --> 00:08:01,679
So, what next for Labour?

205
00:08:01,680 --> 00:08:04,639
They should follow the tried
and tested England approach.

206
00:08:04,640 --> 00:08:07,719
Rebuild, start to look good,
get everyone's hopes up,

207
00:08:07,720 --> 00:08:09,639
and then when it comes
to the big occasion,

208
00:08:09,640 --> 00:08:11,679
screw up spectacularly.

209
00:08:11,680 --> 00:08:13,199
I'm sure they will.

210
00:08:13,200 --> 00:08:14,879
At least I tried.

211
00:08:14,880 --> 00:08:17,279
[groans]

212
00:08:17,280 --> 00:08:20,040
[Announcer] It's time to meet the judges!

213
00:08:22,760 --> 00:08:24,479
Simon Cowell!

214
00:08:24,480 --> 00:08:25,320
Hi, guys.

215
00:08:25,321 --> 00:08:26,519
It's a great honor.

216
00:08:26,520 --> 00:08:28,020
I hope you appreciate it.

217
00:08:28,800 --> 00:08:30,839
[Announcer] David Walliams!

218
00:08:30,840 --> 00:08:32,439
Ooh, hello, sailor.

219
00:08:32,440 --> 00:08:33,280
I'm free.

220
00:08:33,280 --> 00:08:34,280
Shut that door.

221
00:08:34,281 --> 00:08:35,799
I'm the only gay in the village.

222
00:08:35,800 --> 00:08:36,760
Cooee.

223
00:08:36,761 --> 00:08:39,039
[Announcer] Amanda Holden!

224
00:08:39,040 --> 00:08:41,439
Hello, it's me, happy face.

225
00:08:41,440 --> 00:08:43,800
Oh, no applause, sad face.

226
00:08:44,800 --> 00:08:46,920
[Announcer] And Queen Elizabeth II.

227
00:08:48,120 --> 00:08:48,960
What?

228
00:08:48,960 --> 00:08:49,800
Excuse me?

229
00:08:49,801 --> 00:08:51,519
Looks like I won't be the biggest queen

230
00:08:51,520 --> 00:08:53,359
on the judging panel after all.

231
00:08:53,360 --> 00:08:55,959
Why is this man pretending
to be a homosexual?

232
00:08:55,960 --> 00:08:58,119
So, Your Majesty, what brings you here?

233
00:08:58,120 --> 00:09:01,239
The winner of this [coughs] talent contest

234
00:09:01,240 --> 00:09:03,759
gets a spot on the Royal
Variety Performance.

235
00:09:03,760 --> 00:09:07,039
I've sat through eight
ass-numbing years of this crap.

236
00:09:07,040 --> 00:09:07,960
Well, I've had enough.

237
00:09:07,961 --> 00:09:09,519
It's my turn to pick the winner.

238
00:09:09,520 --> 00:09:12,959
Look, I'm sorry, but we
can't possibly allow...

239
00:09:12,960 --> 00:09:14,159
[growls]

240
00:09:14,160 --> 00:09:16,279
- [barks]
- I mean, welcome aboard,

241
00:09:16,280 --> 00:09:17,120
Your Majesty.

242
00:09:17,120 --> 00:09:17,960
Very well.

243
00:09:17,961 --> 00:09:21,079
Let the shotgun see the stag.

244
00:09:21,080 --> 00:09:24,359
[Announcer] 5000 auditions later!

245
00:09:24,360 --> 00:09:26,759
[loud thudding]

246
00:09:26,760 --> 00:09:27,600
Terrible.

247
00:09:27,601 --> 00:09:29,119
Is there nobody else?

248
00:09:29,120 --> 00:09:31,599
I'm sorry, Your Majesty, that is the lot.

249
00:09:31,600 --> 00:09:33,239
You've gotta pick one of them.

250
00:09:33,240 --> 00:09:35,319
No, I've got a better idea.

251
00:09:35,320 --> 00:09:36,919
[Announcer] Ladies and gentlemen,

252
00:09:36,920 --> 00:09:40,359
welcome to this year's Royal Variety Show.

253
00:09:40,360 --> 00:09:43,239
Oh, I expect it'll be
the same old rubbish.

254
00:09:43,240 --> 00:09:44,040
Eh, darling?

255
00:09:44,040 --> 00:09:44,880
[chuckles]

256
00:09:44,881 --> 00:09:46,079
Still, I'm looking forward

257
00:09:46,080 --> 00:09:49,679
to our traditional
hanky-panky in the interval.

258
00:09:49,680 --> 00:09:51,180
Crikey.

259
00:09:52,760 --> 00:09:56,719
Dear Vince, by forming a
coalition with the Tories,

260
00:09:56,720 --> 00:10:01,079
I brought shame and disgrace
on our once-great party.

261
00:10:01,080 --> 00:10:05,319
I've decided to do the
honorable thing and end it all.

262
00:10:05,320 --> 00:10:06,820
Farewell, cruel world.

263
00:10:07,840 --> 00:10:09,340
Nick.

264
00:10:11,520 --> 00:10:12,679
Nick.

265
00:10:12,680 --> 00:10:14,180
Nick?

266
00:10:15,440 --> 00:10:16,400
Oh, no!

267
00:10:16,400 --> 00:10:17,900
- Nick!
- Yes?

268
00:10:19,080 --> 00:10:20,959
Thank God, I thought you were dead!

269
00:10:20,960 --> 00:10:24,839
Oh, yes, I made that pledge
with the best of intentions.

270
00:10:24,840 --> 00:10:27,879
But what's one more broken promise?

271
00:10:27,880 --> 00:10:29,039
I'm going to kill you.

272
00:10:29,040 --> 00:10:31,480
[whimpering]

273
00:10:34,120 --> 00:10:36,079
Booyakasha, I'm Evan Davis.

274
00:10:36,080 --> 00:10:37,799
And on tonight's definitely-not-at-all

275
00:10:37,800 --> 00:10:41,159
desperate-for-ratings show,
I'll be completely naked.

276
00:10:41,160 --> 00:10:44,079
That's right, grandpa, all news, all nude.

277
00:10:44,080 --> 00:10:45,880
Snapchat this, Question Time.

278
00:10:48,160 --> 00:10:50,839
♪ And it was all yellow ♪

279
00:10:50,840 --> 00:10:52,079
- [door clicks]
- [growling]

280
00:10:52,080 --> 00:10:52,920
[screams]

281
00:10:52,921 --> 00:10:55,199
Nicola, there's a panda in the toilet!

282
00:10:55,200 --> 00:10:57,839
Oh, that was a hell of a party.

283
00:10:57,840 --> 00:10:58,999
56 seats.

284
00:10:59,000 --> 00:10:59,920
Get in!

285
00:10:59,920 --> 00:11:00,840
What time is it?

286
00:11:00,840 --> 00:11:01,720
It's Wednesday!

287
00:11:01,721 --> 00:11:02,799
Oh, my God!

288
00:11:02,800 --> 00:11:04,399
What did we get up to?

289
00:11:04,400 --> 00:11:07,359
Last thing I remember was that
massive fireworks display.

290
00:11:07,360 --> 00:11:10,119
Says here one of the
Trident missiles is missing.

291
00:11:10,120 --> 00:11:11,559
And so are the Shetlands!

292
00:11:11,560 --> 00:11:13,999
- Oopsie!
- Oh, it's all coming back.

293
00:11:14,000 --> 00:11:16,519
I think I gave Nick
Clegg three of our seats.

294
00:11:16,520 --> 00:11:18,239
- What?!
- Well, we've got so many.

295
00:11:18,240 --> 00:11:19,759
And he looked so sad.

296
00:11:19,760 --> 00:11:21,199
[both laugh]

297
00:11:21,200 --> 00:11:23,599
Right, Westminster, here we come!

298
00:11:23,600 --> 00:11:24,440
[panda growls]

299
00:11:24,441 --> 00:11:26,079
You'd better call Edinburgh Zoo first.

300
00:11:26,080 --> 00:11:27,639
Ah, I've got no power.

301
00:11:27,640 --> 00:11:28,480
Aye.

302
00:11:28,481 --> 00:11:31,759
56 seats and no actual power.

303
00:11:31,760 --> 00:11:33,759
Still, Nick Clegg, eh?

304
00:11:33,760 --> 00:11:34,879
[both laugh]

305
00:11:34,880 --> 00:11:37,639
[humming]

306
00:11:37,640 --> 00:11:40,519
[elegant piano music]

307
00:11:40,520 --> 00:11:42,239
There you go.

308
00:11:42,240 --> 00:11:43,879
Oh, polyglot.

309
00:11:43,880 --> 00:11:45,399
Well done.

310
00:11:45,400 --> 00:11:47,439
'Ere, that word's not allowed.

311
00:11:47,440 --> 00:11:48,440
It's way too short!

312
00:11:48,441 --> 00:11:49,959
- Eh?
- You want to play it my way!

313
00:11:49,960 --> 00:11:51,460
It needs some expandifying!

314
00:11:52,640 --> 00:11:54,599
By the revolutionary
powers invested in myself,

315
00:11:54,600 --> 00:11:58,359
this here tediocity requires
an ad hoc rebrandification.

316
00:11:58,360 --> 00:11:59,360
I give you.

317
00:11:59,361 --> 00:12:02,119
[Announcer] Russell Brand's
Wordextendification!

318
00:12:02,120 --> 00:12:03,799
I may be a political ignoramus,

319
00:12:03,800 --> 00:12:07,319
but I am a professor of
linguistic ridiculocity.

320
00:12:07,320 --> 00:12:08,719
That's not even a word.

321
00:12:08,720 --> 00:12:10,719
To boost your apparent brainboxiness,

322
00:12:10,720 --> 00:12:12,519
simply confabulate the most erudite words

323
00:12:12,520 --> 00:12:13,599
what you can think of.

324
00:12:13,600 --> 00:12:15,039
Loquaciousnessism.

325
00:12:15,040 --> 00:12:18,199
Extrapolate them to the
maximum lengthworthiness.

326
00:12:18,200 --> 00:12:19,999
Lawksamercificationifying.

327
00:12:20,000 --> 00:12:21,839
And bedazzle your awe-struck acolytes

328
00:12:21,840 --> 00:12:23,600
with some serious impressification.

329
00:12:24,440 --> 00:12:26,359
Egopretentiousity.

330
00:12:26,360 --> 00:12:27,839
There's no such thing.

331
00:12:27,840 --> 00:12:29,599
Oh, I think there is.

332
00:12:29,600 --> 00:12:31,159
Every game of Wordextendification

333
00:12:31,160 --> 00:12:33,799
comes with an excessitudinous
supply of 800 letters.

334
00:12:33,800 --> 00:12:34,640
[loud clattering]

335
00:12:34,641 --> 00:12:37,239
[Announcer] Russell Brand's
Wordextendification!

336
00:12:37,240 --> 00:12:39,960
Best of all, it comes with
a right, nice, big rack!

337
00:12:40,920 --> 00:12:42,039
How dare you?

338
00:12:42,040 --> 00:12:44,279
Predecess from your
anti-delirium pornographification

339
00:12:44,280 --> 00:12:45,780
of this here bird.

340
00:12:48,080 --> 00:12:50,519
The election was exciting
and unpredictable

341
00:12:50,520 --> 00:12:53,839
and you had absolutely no
idea who was gonna win.

342
00:12:53,840 --> 00:12:56,200
Hey, we should try that
in Formula One sometime.

343
00:12:57,480 --> 00:12:59,879
Well, I've never seen a healthier baby.

344
00:12:59,880 --> 00:13:01,199
Do you have any questions?

345
00:13:01,200 --> 00:13:03,199
Doctor, this might sound silly, but...

346
00:13:03,200 --> 00:13:04,559
Do you think Princess Charlotte

347
00:13:04,560 --> 00:13:06,359
could catch something off George?

348
00:13:06,360 --> 00:13:07,919
Oi, oi, hello, treacle!

349
00:13:07,920 --> 00:13:10,679
Is that a ladder in your
tights or a stairway to heaven?

350
00:13:10,680 --> 00:13:11,480
- [loud slap]
- [yelps]

351
00:13:11,481 --> 00:13:12,681
Oh, come on, lighten up, love!

352
00:13:12,705 --> 00:13:13,759
Just a bit of bants.

353
00:13:13,760 --> 00:13:14,600
She knows!

354
00:13:14,601 --> 00:13:16,079
- Who?
- ♪ Ole, ole, ole, ole ♪

355
00:13:16,080 --> 00:13:16,960
Shut him up!

356
00:13:16,961 --> 00:13:18,519
Give him a Greggs steak bake!

357
00:13:18,520 --> 00:13:19,679
Ooh, nice one.

358
00:13:19,680 --> 00:13:20,839
Proper moist.

359
00:13:20,840 --> 00:13:21,919
No need to worry.

360
00:13:21,920 --> 00:13:24,719
George's commonness is not contagious.

361
00:13:24,720 --> 00:13:27,559
It's actually passed down
from one of the parents.

362
00:13:27,560 --> 00:13:29,759
Well, he's not got it off my lot, has he?

363
00:13:29,760 --> 00:13:32,439
My family are staunchly middle class!

364
00:13:32,440 --> 00:13:34,279
Haven't you seen the Middleton crest?

365
00:13:34,280 --> 00:13:37,119
- Mm.
- Tyson, here, boy!

366
00:13:37,120 --> 00:13:38,620
- Kill, kill, ah, good dog!
- [growls]

367
00:13:38,624 --> 00:13:39,679
- Love it!
- [laughs]

368
00:13:39,680 --> 00:13:41,319
Your Highness and your Middleness,

369
00:13:41,320 --> 00:13:44,679
it is possible that George's
symptoms could be alleviated

370
00:13:44,680 --> 00:13:47,879
if we expose him to the
poshest person in the country.

371
00:13:47,880 --> 00:13:48,720
Of course.

372
00:13:48,720 --> 00:13:49,560
I'll get Grand-mama.

373
00:13:49,561 --> 00:13:52,879
Good Lord, no, I was thinking
of somebody really posh.

374
00:13:52,880 --> 00:13:53,959
Oh, hello.

375
00:13:53,960 --> 00:13:54,800
I'm Mary Berry.

376
00:13:54,801 --> 00:13:57,079
Let's start with elocution.

377
00:13:57,080 --> 00:13:59,159
How now brown cow.

378
00:13:59,160 --> 00:14:00,199
- Cah.
- Cow.

379
00:14:00,200 --> 00:14:01,120
- Cah.
- Cow.

380
00:14:01,120 --> 00:14:02,620
Cah.

381
00:14:03,760 --> 00:14:05,639
[Announcer] Ladies and
gentlemen, he's back,

382
00:14:05,640 --> 00:14:07,479
in spite of popular demand.

383
00:14:07,480 --> 00:14:08,920
- Nigel Farage!
- [audience applauds]

384
00:14:08,944 --> 00:14:09,720
Good evening!

385
00:14:09,721 --> 00:14:12,079
As the asylum seeker said
to the customs officer,

386
00:14:12,080 --> 00:14:13,599
"You can't get rid of me!"

387
00:14:13,600 --> 00:14:15,799
[Heckler] I thought UKIP were
meant to throw people out!

388
00:14:15,800 --> 00:14:16,640
- [audience laughs]
- Good one, mate.

389
00:14:16,640 --> 00:14:17,480
Now shut it and take your seat!

390
00:14:17,481 --> 00:14:19,559
[Heckler] At least I've got a seat!

391
00:14:19,560 --> 00:14:21,079
- [audience laughs]
- Oh, very funny!

392
00:14:21,080 --> 00:14:22,599
All right, here's a joke for you.

393
00:14:22,600 --> 00:14:24,199
The first-past-the-post system.

394
00:14:24,200 --> 00:14:25,279
[audience laughs]

395
00:14:25,280 --> 00:14:27,519
What's worse than finding
a maggot in your apple?

396
00:14:27,520 --> 00:14:30,839
Getting 12% of the national
vote and only one bloody MP!

397
00:14:30,840 --> 00:14:31,879
[audience laughs]

398
00:14:31,880 --> 00:14:34,279
A UKIP man walks into
the House of Commons bar.

399
00:14:34,280 --> 00:14:36,919
He can't fit in, it's full
of Scottish Nationalists.

400
00:14:36,920 --> 00:14:38,039
And they're all pissed!

401
00:14:38,040 --> 00:14:38,880
Not racist.

402
00:14:38,881 --> 00:14:40,239
Just a bad loser.

403
00:14:40,240 --> 00:14:41,120
Mine's a pint.

404
00:14:41,120 --> 00:14:41,960
[Heckler] Bitter?!

405
00:14:41,961 --> 00:14:43,079
You bet I am!

406
00:14:43,080 --> 00:14:45,199
[belches]

407
00:14:45,200 --> 00:14:48,399
[angelic singing]

408
00:14:48,400 --> 00:14:51,239
Ring-a-ding-ding, next confessor, please.

409
00:14:51,240 --> 00:14:53,119
Hello, Popey-peeps.

410
00:14:53,120 --> 00:14:56,159
I think I am ready to
confess all of my sins.

411
00:14:56,160 --> 00:14:57,639
Holy mackerel!

412
00:14:57,640 --> 00:14:59,680
Sister Mary, clear my diary!

413
00:15:02,320 --> 00:15:03,679
Hello, I'm Kay Burley,

414
00:15:03,680 --> 00:15:06,159
picking at the scab of
the news until it weeps.

415
00:15:06,160 --> 00:15:07,000
[hisses]

416
00:15:07,001 --> 00:15:09,359
With me is the Prime
Minister, David Cameron.

417
00:15:09,360 --> 00:15:11,079
- Hello.
- So, five more years

418
00:15:11,080 --> 00:15:11,920
of austerity.

419
00:15:11,921 --> 00:15:13,639
Won't that mean more human suffering,

420
00:15:13,640 --> 00:15:16,599
more despair, more
families being torn apart?

421
00:15:16,600 --> 00:15:18,399
- Well...
- Because, if so, hooray!

422
00:15:18,400 --> 00:15:19,719
I thrive on misery!

423
00:15:19,720 --> 00:15:21,279
Prime Minister, I think I love you.

424
00:15:21,280 --> 00:15:22,719
Can I lick your face?

425
00:15:22,720 --> 00:15:23,919
- [hisses]
- [yelps]

426
00:15:23,920 --> 00:15:25,600
I don't even let George do that!

427
00:15:39,200 --> 00:15:42,879
No, I'm Andy Murray,
professional tennis player.

428
00:15:42,880 --> 00:15:44,380
Hence the racket.

429
00:15:50,120 --> 00:15:51,799
This is how I always look.

430
00:15:51,800 --> 00:15:54,639
The SNP won and I beat Nadal.

431
00:15:54,640 --> 00:15:59,479
I am so happy.

432
00:15:59,480 --> 00:16:02,639
No, I'm just reading the subtitles.

433
00:16:02,640 --> 00:16:04,839
You will fit in well here.

434
00:16:04,840 --> 00:16:09,159
Come, let us gaze morosely
together at the canal.

435
00:16:09,160 --> 00:16:11,439
I am not miserable.

436
00:16:11,440 --> 00:16:14,799
[upbeat synthesizer music]

437
00:16:14,800 --> 00:16:19,800
♪ You might think I'm a miserable Scot ♪

438
00:16:20,800 --> 00:16:25,800
♪ But let me assure you,
I'm definitely not ♪

439
00:16:26,880 --> 00:16:31,880
♪ It's not my fault if I seem so glum ♪

440
00:16:32,800 --> 00:16:37,719
♪ It's in my genes, just look at my mum ♪

441
00:16:37,720 --> 00:16:38,759
♪ Yes, I'm happy ♪

442
00:16:38,760 --> 00:16:43,759
♪ Sing along if you feel like
Centre Court without a roof ♪

443
00:16:43,760 --> 00:16:44,799
♪ He's so happy ♪

444
00:16:44,800 --> 00:16:48,879
♪ Sing along if Nadal's
serve hits you in the ♪

445
00:16:48,880 --> 00:16:51,159
- [groans]
- Still beat him.

446
00:16:51,160 --> 00:16:56,160
♪ The SNP won almost every seat ♪

447
00:16:56,880 --> 00:17:01,880
♪ My wife shouts "fuck"
at the guys I beat ♪

448
00:17:02,880 --> 00:17:07,880
♪ There's only one thing
really makes me mad ♪

449
00:17:08,800 --> 00:17:13,399
♪ When people see my
face and think I'm sad ♪

450
00:17:13,400 --> 00:17:16,239
♪ Now I'm not happy ♪

451
00:17:16,240 --> 00:17:18,479
♪ Yeah, I'm not happy ♪

452
00:17:18,480 --> 00:17:21,959
I'm angry, livid, pissed off,

453
00:17:21,960 --> 00:17:23,760
fuming, irate, seething.

454
00:17:26,240 --> 00:17:27,740
Gr.

455
00:17:30,560 --> 00:17:32,799
Hi, and welcome to Embarrassing Bodies.

456
00:17:32,800 --> 00:17:36,839
Let's take a gawp, I mean,
a look at our first patient.

457
00:17:36,840 --> 00:17:39,359
[Narrator] Katie Hopkins is
a professional Twitter troll,

458
00:17:39,360 --> 00:17:42,199
who said she'd leave the
country if Labour got in.

459
00:17:42,200 --> 00:17:44,879
But that still didn't
swing quite enough votes.

460
00:17:44,880 --> 00:17:46,839
Right, Katie, what
appears to be the problem?

461
00:17:46,840 --> 00:17:49,439
If you ask me, dyslexia doesn't exist.

462
00:17:49,440 --> 00:17:52,199
It's just a bunch of book-dodging thickos.

463
00:17:52,200 --> 00:17:53,599
- [heaves]
- [splattering]

464
00:17:53,600 --> 00:17:54,480
I see.

465
00:17:54,481 --> 00:17:57,279
You clearly can't stop producing bile.

466
00:17:57,280 --> 00:18:00,759
Feminism is just a bunch of
ugly cows who only hate men

467
00:18:00,760 --> 00:18:03,439
because they don't have
a decent pair of jugs.

468
00:18:03,440 --> 00:18:04,559
- [heaves]
- [splattering]

469
00:18:04,560 --> 00:18:05,480
Oh, dear.

470
00:18:05,481 --> 00:18:07,479
I think there's only one cure for this.

471
00:18:07,480 --> 00:18:10,039
Cancer is just God's way
of telling poor people

472
00:18:10,040 --> 00:18:11,679
to earn more money.

473
00:18:11,680 --> 00:18:13,399
- [heaves]
- [splattering]

474
00:18:13,400 --> 00:18:15,279
Here you are, take one of these pills.

475
00:18:15,280 --> 00:18:16,120
Do I have to?

476
00:18:16,121 --> 00:18:17,519
Yes, it's cyanide.

477
00:18:17,520 --> 00:18:18,799
Ha, good luck with that!

478
00:18:18,800 --> 00:18:21,439
I'm already 100% pure poison.

479
00:18:21,440 --> 00:18:22,879
- [heaves]
- [splattering]

480
00:18:22,880 --> 00:18:24,380
Want to see my abs?

481
00:18:25,720 --> 00:18:27,679
[Narrator] Meanwhile, in Highgrove,

482
00:18:27,680 --> 00:18:29,559
Charles and Camilla are halfway through

483
00:18:29,560 --> 00:18:31,919
their second wine cellar.

484
00:18:31,920 --> 00:18:32,880
[belches]

485
00:18:32,881 --> 00:18:34,959
I can't stand Benefits Street.

486
00:18:34,960 --> 00:18:37,439
Wastrels sponging off the state.

487
00:18:37,440 --> 00:18:39,479
Never done a day's work in their lives.

488
00:18:39,480 --> 00:18:41,439
Hm, we'd never live like that.

489
00:18:41,440 --> 00:18:43,359
Bunch of lazy-assed no-goods.

490
00:18:43,360 --> 00:18:44,240
Top up?

491
00:18:44,241 --> 00:18:46,000
Hmm, more gin, please.

492
00:18:47,560 --> 00:18:48,400
[groans]

493
00:18:48,401 --> 00:18:50,239
There, right in the eyeball.

494
00:18:50,240 --> 00:18:52,879
[dog whines]

495
00:18:52,880 --> 00:18:56,559
Hello, this is the famous Hadron Collider.

496
00:18:56,560 --> 00:18:57,759
Amazing, isn't it?

497
00:18:57,760 --> 00:19:00,119
It is home to hundreds of physicists,

498
00:19:00,120 --> 00:19:01,480
who are trying to find the answers

499
00:19:01,504 --> 00:19:04,079
to the most important
questions in the universe.

500
00:19:04,080 --> 00:19:07,159
Questions like, "Is Brian Cox single?"

501
00:19:07,160 --> 00:19:09,839
Today, we are gonna
witness the most dangerous

502
00:19:09,840 --> 00:19:12,639
scientific experiment ever attempted,

503
00:19:12,640 --> 00:19:14,799
as a team of particle physicists

504
00:19:14,800 --> 00:19:17,919
try to split the Ant and Dec.

505
00:19:17,920 --> 00:19:19,119
Heh! What?!

506
00:19:19,120 --> 00:19:19,960
No!

507
00:19:19,961 --> 00:19:21,439
No, we don't want to separate!

508
00:19:21,440 --> 00:19:22,639
We've always been together!

509
00:19:22,640 --> 00:19:24,399
Who'll get custody of the BAFTAs?!

510
00:19:24,400 --> 00:19:25,559
[both laugh]

511
00:19:25,560 --> 00:19:27,119
As we all learned at school,

512
00:19:27,120 --> 00:19:30,079
for every Ant, there is
an equal and opposite Dec,

513
00:19:30,080 --> 00:19:31,519
but scientists are hoping

514
00:19:31,520 --> 00:19:34,799
that by firing super-charged
protons at an Ant and Dec,

515
00:19:34,800 --> 00:19:37,359
they might just be able
to split them apart.

516
00:19:37,360 --> 00:19:38,959
Amazing.

517
00:19:38,960 --> 00:19:40,999
Whoa, Ant, this is well weird!

518
00:19:41,000 --> 00:19:44,559
We're going so fast, I've
lost all feeling in my face!

519
00:19:44,560 --> 00:19:46,159
It's like being Amanda Holden!

520
00:19:46,160 --> 00:19:47,660
[Both] Whoa!

521
00:19:48,720 --> 00:19:50,319
[loud boom]

522
00:19:50,320 --> 00:19:54,839
Sadly, it doesn't look like
the experiment has worked.

523
00:19:54,840 --> 00:19:55,840
We're still together!

524
00:19:55,841 --> 00:19:57,359
Hold on a second, though.

525
00:19:57,360 --> 00:19:58,719
Something weird has happened.

526
00:19:58,720 --> 00:20:00,119
We're the wrong way around!

527
00:20:00,120 --> 00:20:02,399
Ho, ho, actually, this is better.

528
00:20:02,400 --> 00:20:03,280
Dec and Ant!

529
00:20:03,280 --> 00:20:04,240
I like it.

530
00:20:04,240 --> 00:20:05,080
No!

531
00:20:05,080 --> 00:20:05,960
Ho, ho!

532
00:20:05,961 --> 00:20:08,960
[upbeat rock music]

533
00:20:11,440 --> 00:20:13,199
Cara, babes, you're shaking.

534
00:20:13,200 --> 00:20:15,279
How long's it been since your last one?

535
00:20:15,280 --> 00:20:17,559
Oh, God, good five minutes?

536
00:20:17,560 --> 00:20:19,159
Go on, have a quick one.

537
00:20:19,160 --> 00:20:20,319
Treat yourself.

538
00:20:20,320 --> 00:20:21,160
[camera snaps]

539
00:20:21,161 --> 00:20:23,039
And Instagram.

540
00:20:23,040 --> 00:20:25,799
Ah, yeah, that's the stuff.

541
00:20:25,800 --> 00:20:28,839
Time now to hear from
the most important man

542
00:20:28,840 --> 00:20:30,279
in British politics.

543
00:20:30,280 --> 00:20:31,280
Me.

544
00:20:31,281 --> 00:20:32,639
And the person lucky enough

545
00:20:32,640 --> 00:20:35,199
to be talking to me
today is Boris Johnson.

546
00:20:35,200 --> 00:20:36,639
Wahoo!

547
00:20:36,640 --> 00:20:38,140
Vah! Bah!

548
00:20:38,720 --> 00:20:40,479
Greetings and salutations!

549
00:20:40,480 --> 00:20:42,519
So, Boris, you're the Mayor of London

550
00:20:42,520 --> 00:20:45,039
and now you've also been elected as an MP

551
00:20:45,040 --> 00:20:47,599
and you're attending cabinet meetings.

552
00:20:47,600 --> 00:20:49,040
The question some people are asking,

553
00:20:49,064 --> 00:20:51,839
though not as brilliantly
as I'm asking it, is,

554
00:20:51,840 --> 00:20:54,319
"Can you really do three jobs at once?"

555
00:20:54,320 --> 00:20:57,599
No, no, I can do hundreds of jobs at once.

556
00:20:57,600 --> 00:20:59,239
Three jobs are for wimps!

557
00:20:59,240 --> 00:21:02,879
I also do my newspaper column,
books, consultancy work,

558
00:21:02,880 --> 00:21:04,599
and I'm a milkman.

559
00:21:04,600 --> 00:21:05,999
Good morning, Mrs. Robinson.

560
00:21:06,000 --> 00:21:07,879
I've got that extra cream you ordered.

561
00:21:07,880 --> 00:21:08,760
[laughs]

562
00:21:08,761 --> 00:21:12,400
I'm also a jockey, a brain
surgeon, and a plumber.

563
00:21:13,280 --> 00:21:14,759
Good morning, Mrs. Robinson.

564
00:21:14,760 --> 00:21:16,519
Got any pipes that need unblocking?

565
00:21:16,520 --> 00:21:17,360
[laughs]

566
00:21:17,361 --> 00:21:21,880
I'm also a pilot, professional
footballer, and a gardener.

567
00:21:22,960 --> 00:21:24,679
Good morning, Mrs. Robinson.

568
00:21:24,680 --> 00:21:26,000
Have you got a bush that needs...

569
00:21:26,024 --> 00:21:27,984
I get the idea.

570
00:21:29,480 --> 00:21:31,640
[tapping]

571
00:21:41,280 --> 00:21:42,399
What are you doing, Ed?

572
00:21:42,400 --> 00:21:43,639
Oh, Yvette.

573
00:21:43,640 --> 00:21:47,879
I've let everybody down,
so I thought I'd say sorry.

574
00:21:47,880 --> 00:21:48,880
Oh, Ed.

575
00:21:48,881 --> 00:21:51,079
It's got two Rs.

576
00:21:51,080 --> 00:21:52,399
Oh.

577
00:21:52,400 --> 00:21:54,439
At least I tried.

578
00:21:54,440 --> 00:21:56,639
[sobbing]

579
00:21:56,740 --> 00:21:58,740
[upbeat rock music]