1
00:00:00,040 --> 00:00:03,240
[punchy upbeat music]

2
00:00:09,520 --> 00:00:11,679
I'd like to thank David Cameron

3
00:00:11,680 --> 00:00:14,959
for stepping down as
an MP with such grace.

4
00:00:14,960 --> 00:00:18,399
We will see that he gets a
proper send off which reflects

5
00:00:18,400 --> 00:00:21,559
the regard in which he is
held by the British public.

6
00:00:21,560 --> 00:00:22,639
[underwater screaming]

7
00:00:22,640 --> 00:00:24,959
Flush him, flush him, flush him.

8
00:00:24,960 --> 00:00:27,159
- [David] Stop!
- [laughs]

9
00:00:27,160 --> 00:00:29,679
[laughs]

10
00:00:29,680 --> 00:00:32,439
Right, could you write the
software's name down for me

11
00:00:32,440 --> 00:00:33,799
on a piece of paper?

12
00:00:33,800 --> 00:00:37,039
Piece of paper, ha ha,
yeah, good one, grandpa.

13
00:00:37,040 --> 00:00:38,759
A piece of paper, as if.

14
00:00:38,760 --> 00:00:41,479
Right, who's next? Mrs. Winkelman?

15
00:00:41,480 --> 00:00:44,719
Oh yes, hello, I've got
a problem with my device.

16
00:00:44,720 --> 00:00:45,999
Smartphone or tablet?

17
00:00:46,000 --> 00:00:47,879
- A cohost.
- Keep dancin',

18
00:00:47,880 --> 00:00:51,039
keep, keep, keep dancin'.

19
00:00:51,040 --> 00:00:52,839
Oh, the TessBot 2000.

20
00:00:52,840 --> 00:00:54,839
She needs fixing, and fast.

21
00:00:54,840 --> 00:00:56,279
The live shows start next week.

22
00:00:56,280 --> 00:00:57,999
What happened, has she been dropped?

23
00:00:58,000 --> 00:01:01,919
Oh well, bafflingly, no,
and it's been 14 series now.

24
00:01:01,920 --> 00:01:04,999
Hello, System Check,
report function status.

25
00:01:05,000 --> 00:01:07,639
The judges' scores are in,
in, in, in, in, in, in...

26
00:01:07,640 --> 00:01:09,439
Oh dear, did someone ask her a question

27
00:01:09,440 --> 00:01:10,440
not on the auto queue?

28
00:01:10,441 --> 00:01:13,760
Biz boom, dancer flambrioliolioli.

29
00:01:15,040 --> 00:01:16,679
Okay, let's try a quick restart.

30
00:01:16,680 --> 00:01:19,119
[mechanical whirs]

31
00:01:19,120 --> 00:01:21,079
Oh dear, totally blank.

32
00:01:21,080 --> 00:01:23,599
Great, brilliant, she's back to normal.

33
00:01:23,600 --> 00:01:26,239
[stealthy music]

34
00:01:26,240 --> 00:01:27,559
Listen up, Peaky Bakers.

35
00:01:27,560 --> 00:01:30,679
It's time for our gang to
muscle in on some new turf.

36
00:01:30,680 --> 00:01:33,239
Bake-off's moving to
Channel 4, who's going?

37
00:01:33,240 --> 00:01:35,039
No way, we're pulling out.

38
00:01:35,040 --> 00:01:36,999
Woo-ha, pulling out, bit rude.

39
00:01:37,000 --> 00:01:38,359
[laughs]

40
00:01:38,360 --> 00:01:40,479
Shut your layer cake holes and listen.

41
00:01:40,480 --> 00:01:42,439
This deal means we could all be richer

42
00:01:42,440 --> 00:01:43,879
than sticky toffee pudding.

43
00:01:43,880 --> 00:01:45,799
Aunt Mary, let's see the dough.

44
00:01:45,800 --> 00:01:46,640
Here it is.

45
00:01:46,641 --> 00:01:48,719
Nice, with this much bread,

46
00:01:48,720 --> 00:01:51,239
you and me could own
cooking on television.

47
00:01:51,240 --> 00:01:52,879
No one could stop us.

48
00:01:52,880 --> 00:01:54,639
- [glass shatters]
- [Mary] Bomb!

49
00:01:54,640 --> 00:01:56,559
Chocolate bomb, with shards of meringue.

50
00:01:56,560 --> 00:01:58,039
And there's only one scumbag

51
00:01:58,040 --> 00:02:00,519
who tempers chocolate that badly.

52
00:02:00,520 --> 00:02:04,559
- Sausages, potato.
- Oy, Peaky Bakers,

53
00:02:04,560 --> 00:02:06,119
this is our patch.

54
00:02:06,120 --> 00:02:07,559
- Meat.
- [gasps]

55
00:02:07,560 --> 00:02:08,400
Good boy, Greg.

56
00:02:08,401 --> 00:02:10,639
Us master chefs built up
the competitive cookery

57
00:02:10,640 --> 00:02:12,599
slash baking genre from nothing.

58
00:02:12,600 --> 00:02:15,359
Then you lot just swan in
for 10 episodes each summer

59
00:02:15,360 --> 00:02:16,879
and get double our viewing figures.

60
00:02:16,880 --> 00:02:18,479
- [growls]
- Cockerels

61
00:02:18,480 --> 00:02:20,519
And now you two could
piss off to Channel 4

62
00:02:20,520 --> 00:02:24,079
for some easy money, nobody
disrespects Artie babe.

63
00:02:24,080 --> 00:02:27,479
Back down, Torode, by
order of the Peaky Bakers.

64
00:02:27,480 --> 00:02:29,679
- No chance.
- Watch out, he's got

65
00:02:29,680 --> 00:02:30,680
a massive weapon.

66
00:02:30,681 --> 00:02:32,159
And a kitchen utensil.

67
00:02:32,160 --> 00:02:33,040
[laughs]

68
00:02:33,041 --> 00:02:35,159
- Greg, kill.
- [Greg roars]

69
00:02:35,160 --> 00:02:36,319
[explosion]

70
00:02:36,320 --> 00:02:37,959
What the dingo is that?

71
00:02:37,960 --> 00:02:39,519
I think your kitchen might have just

72
00:02:39,520 --> 00:02:41,319
mysteriously burned down.

73
00:02:41,320 --> 00:02:43,639
I put it on Gas Mark 3000.

74
00:02:43,640 --> 00:02:45,999
You've just made a big mistake.

75
00:02:46,000 --> 00:02:47,319
Not as big as Channel 4.

76
00:02:47,320 --> 00:02:49,200
Who-ha, wobble quiff.

77
00:02:50,560 --> 00:02:54,399
Well, the little one's
coming along very nicely.

78
00:02:54,400 --> 00:02:55,240
[yells]

79
00:02:55,241 --> 00:02:57,839
Hello, antenatal ward, great to be back.

80
00:02:57,840 --> 00:03:00,519
Ah, you must be the grandfather.

81
00:03:00,520 --> 00:03:03,679
Excuse me, I'm the father.

82
00:03:03,680 --> 00:03:07,199
- Hi Mick.
- Hey, I'm one in five.

83
00:03:07,200 --> 00:03:09,439
- Stella, Louise.
- [sighs]

84
00:03:09,440 --> 00:03:11,199
- Melanie.
- That's the one.

85
00:03:11,200 --> 00:03:14,799
Now, about your birth plan,
will you be wanting drugs?

86
00:03:14,800 --> 00:03:16,119
Too bloody right, I will.

87
00:03:16,120 --> 00:03:18,839
So, you are going to make
it to the birth, then.

88
00:03:18,840 --> 00:03:21,999
Who knows, every day is a bonus, doc.

89
00:03:22,000 --> 00:03:25,679
Oh look, it's wriggling
around all over the place.

90
00:03:25,680 --> 00:03:27,839
Yeah, it's definitely mine.

91
00:03:27,840 --> 00:03:30,359
Oh, good grief, your waters have broken.

92
00:03:30,360 --> 00:03:33,439
Whoops, my bad, a little accident.

93
00:03:33,440 --> 00:03:35,439
Just call me Jumping Jack Splash.

94
00:03:35,440 --> 00:03:36,599
- [yells]
- [thuds]

95
00:03:36,600 --> 00:03:39,159
Looks like we'll need to find another bed.

96
00:03:39,160 --> 00:03:43,040
In your dreams, love,
you're far too old for me.

97
00:03:43,920 --> 00:03:46,479
[Narrator] Bake off presenter
auditions, Chris Evans.

98
00:03:46,480 --> 00:03:47,320
[clacks]

99
00:03:47,321 --> 00:03:49,041
You want a new presenter
for a long running,

100
00:03:49,065 --> 00:03:51,399
smash hit TV show who
definitely won't ruin it

101
00:03:51,400 --> 00:03:53,119
and lose millions of viewers.

102
00:03:53,120 --> 00:03:54,959
I'm your man, brilliant.

103
00:03:54,960 --> 00:03:57,559
Anyone for doughnuts by the Cenotaph?

104
00:03:57,560 --> 00:03:59,599
You've got pneumonia, Missus Clinton.

105
00:03:59,600 --> 00:04:01,759
You need to get plenty of rest.

106
00:04:01,760 --> 00:04:04,879
Hey honey, I made you your
favorite, chicken soup.

107
00:04:04,880 --> 00:04:05,959
How are you feeling?

108
00:04:05,960 --> 00:04:07,839
I must be delirious.

109
00:04:07,840 --> 00:04:10,479
I dreamt I was running
for president against

110
00:04:10,480 --> 00:04:13,879
an angry orangutan with tiny little hands.

111
00:04:13,880 --> 00:04:16,039
- Um, honey.
- Oh my god,

112
00:04:16,040 --> 00:04:17,359
it wasn't a dream.

113
00:04:17,360 --> 00:04:20,559
I can't lie in bed, I
gotta get back out there.

114
00:04:20,560 --> 00:04:22,599
If you'll just have a look at this chart.

115
00:04:22,600 --> 00:04:26,119
I don't care how high my
goddamn temperature is.

116
00:04:26,120 --> 00:04:28,919
That's not your temperature,
that's your poll rating.

117
00:04:28,920 --> 00:04:30,999
For some reason, when you're not out doing

118
00:04:31,000 --> 00:04:33,520
public appearances people seem to,

119
00:04:34,360 --> 00:04:36,599
Forget how much they dislike you.

120
00:04:36,600 --> 00:04:39,679
So, what do you idiots want me to do, huh?

121
00:04:39,680 --> 00:04:42,160
Lie here for six weeks and say nothing?

122
00:04:44,160 --> 00:04:46,199
Uh, chicken soup?

123
00:04:46,200 --> 00:04:49,159
[mellow music]

124
00:04:49,160 --> 00:04:50,999
This vase is quite unique.

125
00:04:51,000 --> 00:04:53,519
It's late Edwardian and worth at least.

126
00:04:53,520 --> 00:04:54,999
- [smashes]
- Oi, oi saveloy.

127
00:04:55,000 --> 00:04:57,359
Here, forget about that
mucky lot of old clobber.

128
00:04:57,360 --> 00:05:00,359
What are you gonna give me
for this tasty piece of loot?

129
00:05:00,360 --> 00:05:02,119
Is that a genuine Constable?

130
00:05:02,120 --> 00:05:05,399
Where? Oh, I mean, is it? I wouldn't know.

131
00:05:05,400 --> 00:05:07,320
I found it in the east
wing of Buckingham Pala...

132
00:05:07,344 --> 00:05:08,160
[vocalizes]

133
00:05:08,161 --> 00:05:11,079
Of me baby sister's Wendy house.

134
00:05:11,080 --> 00:05:12,080
Nice one, Chaz.

135
00:05:12,081 --> 00:05:14,399
Well, this masterpiece could fetch

136
00:05:14,400 --> 00:05:16,359
about 10 million pounds.

137
00:05:16,360 --> 00:05:18,359
Wa-hay, Vegas here I come.

138
00:05:18,360 --> 00:05:19,200
[vocalizes]

139
00:05:19,201 --> 00:05:20,999
I mean, here we come.

140
00:05:21,000 --> 00:05:23,879
What about this bobby dazzler, yeah?

141
00:05:23,880 --> 00:05:25,759
Is that the royal crown?

142
00:05:25,760 --> 00:05:28,239
Well, you tell me, you're
the bleeding expert.

143
00:05:28,240 --> 00:05:29,080
[sirens wail]

144
00:05:29,081 --> 00:05:30,199
Uh-oh, it's the beefeaters.

145
00:05:30,200 --> 00:05:32,239
Woo, I can't be caught with this.

146
00:05:32,240 --> 00:05:34,440
Here, it's yours for whatever
you've got in your wallet.

147
00:05:34,464 --> 00:05:36,199
- [vocalizes]
- My wallet!

148
00:05:36,200 --> 00:05:38,759
Good work, sis, laters potaters.

149
00:05:38,760 --> 00:05:40,279
Well, I...

150
00:05:40,280 --> 00:05:43,719
Oh, and if she asks you
ain't seen us, right?

151
00:05:43,720 --> 00:05:46,759
Be lucky, oi oi saveloy.

152
00:05:46,760 --> 00:05:49,920
[punchy upbeat music]

153
00:05:51,080 --> 00:05:53,039
Ed Milliband, what can I get you?

154
00:05:53,040 --> 00:05:55,839
- Cappuccino please.
- And, I'll have a latte.

155
00:05:55,840 --> 00:05:56,800
What's your name?

156
00:05:56,801 --> 00:05:58,759
Owen, Owen Smith.

157
00:05:58,760 --> 00:06:00,919
Weeks campaigning to be
labor leader and still

158
00:06:00,920 --> 00:06:02,319
nobody knows who I am.

159
00:06:02,320 --> 00:06:05,399
I wouldn't say that, Owen Thingy.

160
00:06:05,400 --> 00:06:07,719
Even my exclusive story about fighting off

161
00:06:07,720 --> 00:06:11,199
hundreds of louts to win
my wife only made page 33.

162
00:06:11,200 --> 00:06:13,559
Well, don't worry, I've
got a plan to get you

163
00:06:13,560 --> 00:06:14,959
back in the headlines.

164
00:06:14,960 --> 00:06:17,919
- Meet Bogdam and Doorack,
- Hello.

165
00:06:17,920 --> 00:06:20,359
Two eastern European rent boys.

166
00:06:20,360 --> 00:06:21,999
- Hey?
- Same rents as Keith Vaz.

167
00:06:22,000 --> 00:06:25,079
You'll be on the front pages in time.

168
00:06:25,080 --> 00:06:26,119
I give up.

169
00:06:26,120 --> 00:06:29,199
Coffee's for Ed and is it Gwen?

170
00:06:29,200 --> 00:06:31,679
At least I tried.

171
00:06:31,680 --> 00:06:34,519
[Narrator] Bake-off presenter
auditions, Noel Edmonds.

172
00:06:34,520 --> 00:06:35,360
[clacks]

173
00:06:35,361 --> 00:06:37,839
I've got this great idea
to tweak the format.

174
00:06:37,840 --> 00:06:41,119
All the cakes are in
identical sealed boxes.

175
00:06:41,120 --> 00:06:43,519
Then, the phone rings and it's the baker.

176
00:06:43,520 --> 00:06:45,239
- [Woman] Next.
- [sighs]

177
00:06:45,240 --> 00:06:46,080
[mellow music]

178
00:06:46,081 --> 00:06:47,921
[Narrator] Coming soon
from Desperate Franchise

179
00:06:47,945 --> 00:06:52,479
Productions, Top Gun, The Reboot.

180
00:06:52,480 --> 00:06:54,479
Starring Vladimir Putin.

181
00:06:54,480 --> 00:06:57,199
I feel the need, the need for speed.

182
00:06:57,200 --> 00:06:59,359
Oh, I love this big chopper.

183
00:06:59,360 --> 00:07:02,519
[Narrator] The world is on
the brink of Armageddon.

184
00:07:02,520 --> 00:07:04,759
A Russian MiG has just
invaded NATO airspace.

185
00:07:04,760 --> 00:07:07,159
- I know, I sent it.
- You're dangerous.

186
00:07:07,160 --> 00:07:10,799
That's right, buddy. I'm
Maverick, I make up my own rules.

187
00:07:10,800 --> 00:07:14,119
How else is Russia going
to win next World Cup.

188
00:07:14,120 --> 00:07:15,600
- [groans]
- Oh, goal-ski.

189
00:07:16,720 --> 00:07:21,159
I'm going for missile lock,
ready aim, cease fire.

190
00:07:21,160 --> 00:07:22,080
[explosion]

191
00:07:22,081 --> 00:07:23,200
Oops, sorry wasn't me.

192
00:07:24,360 --> 00:07:26,919
[Narrator] And, featuring that scene.

193
00:07:26,920 --> 00:07:29,639
♪ You never close your eyes anymore ♪

194
00:07:29,640 --> 00:07:31,719
♪ When I kiss your lips ♪

195
00:07:31,720 --> 00:07:34,199
You are singing to the girl, right?

196
00:07:34,200 --> 00:07:36,279
Oh yeah, to the girl, for sure.

197
00:07:36,280 --> 00:07:38,919
♪ And, there's no tenderness ♪

198
00:07:38,920 --> 00:07:41,519
[Narrator] Will anyone ever be safe again?

199
00:07:41,520 --> 00:07:45,079
Now, we oil our chests and
play manly beach volleyball.

200
00:07:45,080 --> 00:07:47,719
Then, we take manly shower in manly man's

201
00:07:47,720 --> 00:07:48,919
changing room, yes?

202
00:07:48,920 --> 00:07:50,799
[Narrator] Top Gun, coming soon to

203
00:07:50,800 --> 00:07:53,079
a sovereign airspace near you.

204
00:07:53,080 --> 00:07:56,879
I love to cruise, oh I mean Tom Cruise.

205
00:07:56,880 --> 00:07:59,239
- [jet engine]
- [dramatic music]

206
00:07:59,240 --> 00:08:01,800
[mellow music]

207
00:08:04,840 --> 00:08:06,199
You all right there, Danny Dyer?

208
00:08:06,200 --> 00:08:08,519
Actually Phil, I'm
feeling a bit Queen Vic.

209
00:08:08,520 --> 00:08:09,520
- You what?
- You know,

210
00:08:09,521 --> 00:08:12,039
Cockney rhyming slang. Queen Vic, sick.

211
00:08:12,040 --> 00:08:14,359
I've got a nasty case of the Sharon Watts.

212
00:08:14,360 --> 00:08:15,280
What you talking about?

213
00:08:15,281 --> 00:08:17,079
Sharon Watts, trots.

214
00:08:17,080 --> 00:08:19,159
- Oh right.
- I think that kabab

215
00:08:19,160 --> 00:08:20,759
I ate was a bit Dot Cotton.

216
00:08:20,760 --> 00:08:22,199
Dot Cotton, rotten.

217
00:08:22,200 --> 00:08:23,959
Now, you're getting the hang of it.

218
00:08:23,960 --> 00:08:25,839
What you say we roll
out the barrel and have

219
00:08:25,840 --> 00:08:27,919
a right royal Cockney knees up.

220
00:08:27,920 --> 00:08:30,159
Blimey, you're action is Danny Dyer.

221
00:08:30,160 --> 00:08:32,879
Dyre? Dyre on fire.

222
00:08:32,880 --> 00:08:35,559
- No, shit.
- [groans]

223
00:08:35,560 --> 00:08:38,279
[Narrator] Bake-off presenter
auditions, Michael Gove.

224
00:08:38,280 --> 00:08:39,120
[clacks]

225
00:08:39,121 --> 00:08:40,679
So, you want a new Mel and Sue.

226
00:08:40,680 --> 00:08:41,999
Does it have to be a double act?

227
00:08:42,000 --> 00:08:44,039
Only, I don't have many old friends left.

228
00:08:44,040 --> 00:08:46,359
Also, I'm not allowed to go near a Nied's.

229
00:08:46,360 --> 00:08:47,760
Will you be my friend?

230
00:08:49,040 --> 00:08:50,599
Are you texting your ex again?

231
00:08:50,600 --> 00:08:52,359
Hey? Of course I'm bloody not.

232
00:08:52,360 --> 00:08:56,840
Oh, you sent these disgusting
photos to her, you bastard.

233
00:08:57,760 --> 00:08:58,560
[glass breaks]

234
00:08:58,561 --> 00:09:01,479
Do I hear a domestic
dispute? Anger, violence?

235
00:09:01,480 --> 00:09:04,079
It's pure Jeremy Kyle, come on my show.

236
00:09:04,080 --> 00:09:05,840
No mate, we're fine,
we're all right, really.

237
00:09:05,864 --> 00:09:08,719
Sympathetic voice, I
promise I won't pretend

238
00:09:08,720 --> 00:09:10,440
to be your friend mate
or make you out to be

239
00:09:10,464 --> 00:09:12,079
some kind of pantomime villain.

240
00:09:12,080 --> 00:09:14,559
Boo, or goad you into an on screen fight.

241
00:09:14,560 --> 00:09:16,879
Have you seen those disgusting photos?

242
00:09:16,880 --> 00:09:18,159
- Yes.
- [sobs]

243
00:09:18,160 --> 00:09:19,359
Oh, please don't cry, love.

244
00:09:19,360 --> 00:09:21,599
Yeah, seriously, don't
cry you'll attract...

245
00:09:21,600 --> 00:09:24,079
Do I hear the splash of tears?

246
00:09:24,080 --> 00:09:25,799
Leave them alone, Kyle.

247
00:09:25,800 --> 00:09:28,239
They belong to This Morning, now.

248
00:09:28,240 --> 00:09:30,359
Think of all the sympathetic
nodding we can do

249
00:09:30,360 --> 00:09:32,439
while these two break down on camera.

250
00:09:32,440 --> 00:09:34,399
The tearing up.

251
00:09:34,400 --> 00:09:35,439
The phone ins.

252
00:09:35,440 --> 00:09:37,839
The inappropriate fit of giggles.

253
00:09:37,840 --> 00:09:40,279
[laughs]

254
00:09:40,280 --> 00:09:42,479
- Come with us.
- No, they're mine.

255
00:09:42,480 --> 00:09:45,080
- Order, order.
- [bangs]

256
00:09:46,720 --> 00:09:48,999
- Judge Rinder.
- As a fake judge,

257
00:09:49,000 --> 00:09:52,119
from a pretend court I
cannot allow you to exploit

258
00:09:52,120 --> 00:09:54,759
this couple for cheap
daytime entertainment.

259
00:09:54,760 --> 00:09:57,159
- Hey?
- Because, I'm going to.

260
00:09:57,160 --> 00:09:59,359
♪ It's courtroom drama time ♪

261
00:09:59,360 --> 00:10:01,119
I hope that phone still works.

262
00:10:01,120 --> 00:10:04,919
I'm so going to need to see
those disgusting photos,

263
00:10:04,920 --> 00:10:06,479
for evidence, obviously.

264
00:10:06,480 --> 00:10:09,640
[punchy upbeat music]

265
00:10:11,880 --> 00:10:15,559
Literally dying of thirst
Bear uses all his skills

266
00:10:15,560 --> 00:10:18,479
and know-how to sort some water.

267
00:10:18,480 --> 00:10:21,199
Oh look, it's Bear Grylls.

268
00:10:21,200 --> 00:10:22,999
Master of survival techniques.

269
00:10:23,000 --> 00:10:25,559
Bet he'll do something really hardcore.

270
00:10:25,560 --> 00:10:27,919
- Oh god.
- [water splashes]

271
00:10:27,920 --> 00:10:30,399
Oh, he's going to drink his own urine.

272
00:10:30,400 --> 00:10:31,880
- OMG.
- So, tough.

273
00:10:35,040 --> 00:10:37,879
And so, Bear sets out on his next mission

274
00:10:37,880 --> 00:10:40,359
to find some extra strong mints.

275
00:10:40,360 --> 00:10:42,439
[gags]

276
00:10:42,440 --> 00:10:45,399
[Narrator] Bake-off presenter
auditions, Wayne Rooney.

277
00:10:45,400 --> 00:10:46,200
[clacks]

278
00:10:46,201 --> 00:10:48,159
I'd like to be a TV presenter when

279
00:10:48,160 --> 00:10:49,759
my playing days are over.

280
00:10:49,760 --> 00:10:52,199
And, given I wasn't even on
the bench for the big match

281
00:10:52,200 --> 00:10:55,079
on Thursday, that looks like next week.

282
00:10:55,080 --> 00:10:57,199
[whimsical music]

283
00:10:57,200 --> 00:10:59,679
Ah, what I want, and a spot of bother on

284
00:10:59,680 --> 00:11:01,599
the whole Minister for Foreigns Front.

285
00:11:01,600 --> 00:11:04,239
- What now?
- I keep forgetting the names

286
00:11:04,240 --> 00:11:06,199
of all those funny little countries.

287
00:11:06,200 --> 00:11:08,959
So, I've made a new map to keep it simple.

288
00:11:08,960 --> 00:11:09,800
[groans]

289
00:11:09,801 --> 00:11:12,759
This is England, God save
her maj, rule Britannia,

290
00:11:12,760 --> 00:11:14,639
footballs coming home, et cetera.

291
00:11:14,640 --> 00:11:17,039
No change there, but from now on this bit

292
00:11:17,040 --> 00:11:20,159
over here will be known as Krautland.

293
00:11:20,160 --> 00:11:21,440
Everything south of here will be

294
00:11:21,464 --> 00:11:23,199
Pickaninny Watermelon Island.

295
00:11:23,200 --> 00:11:26,159
This lot live the People's
Republic of Chopsticks.

296
00:11:26,160 --> 00:11:28,119
And, this naughty little bit here will be

297
00:11:28,120 --> 00:11:32,839
Bomby, Bomby, Boomy, Bangy,
Jihadi Johnny Foreigner Land.

298
00:11:32,840 --> 00:11:34,479
- Any questions?
- So, when would you

299
00:11:34,480 --> 00:11:37,359
like us to start preparations
for World War III?

300
00:11:37,360 --> 00:11:40,239
Oh dear, I said something
I shouldn't have.

301
00:11:40,240 --> 00:11:42,319
I'll distract you with some funny words.

302
00:11:42,320 --> 00:11:45,759
Algorithm, prognosticate,
cystitis, expelliarmus,

303
00:11:45,760 --> 00:11:47,520
buzzar, vier, zip wire.

304
00:11:48,680 --> 00:11:52,239
- [yells]
- [glass shatters]

305
00:11:52,240 --> 00:11:55,679
I've gotta say Donald
Trump would never exploit

306
00:11:55,680 --> 00:11:57,679
an opponent's poor health
for political gain,

307
00:11:57,680 --> 00:12:01,679
but the fact is Illary, I
mean Hillary, has given in

308
00:12:01,680 --> 00:12:02,799
to pneumonia, folks.

309
00:12:02,800 --> 00:12:06,199
If I was president I would bomb pneumonia,

310
00:12:06,200 --> 00:12:09,359
and I would build a wall to
stop pneumonians getting in.

311
00:12:09,360 --> 00:12:10,280
[cheers]

312
00:12:10,281 --> 00:12:11,599
[coughs]

313
00:12:11,600 --> 00:12:12,480
[gasps]

314
00:12:12,481 --> 00:12:15,079
Don't worry folks, I'm
fine. It's just a furball.

315
00:12:15,080 --> 00:12:16,639
[meows]

316
00:12:16,640 --> 00:12:18,359
[perky upbeat music]

317
00:12:18,360 --> 00:12:21,799
♪ She's Missus Crown ♪

318
00:12:21,800 --> 00:12:23,759
[Narrator] Ladies and
gentleman welcome back

319
00:12:23,760 --> 00:12:26,799
to Missus Crown's Boys.

320
00:12:26,800 --> 00:12:29,799
Hello again, plebs, I'm just
about to feed the Corgis.

321
00:12:29,800 --> 00:12:31,839
It's their favorite, Pedigree Swan.

322
00:12:31,840 --> 00:12:32,760
[laughs]

323
00:12:32,761 --> 00:12:35,599
Hello Mommy, have you heard the news?

324
00:12:35,600 --> 00:12:37,199
It was all over the tabloids.

325
00:12:37,200 --> 00:12:40,119
Someone's been filmed
snorting a suspicious powder

326
00:12:40,120 --> 00:12:41,040
in the palace.

327
00:12:41,041 --> 00:12:42,639
- Charlie?
- No, it was one

328
00:12:42,640 --> 00:12:43,480
of your guards.

329
00:12:43,481 --> 00:12:44,559
[laughs]

330
00:12:44,560 --> 00:12:48,239
Apparently, he snorted it
off a ceremonial sword.

331
00:12:48,240 --> 00:12:51,279
That is the most inappropriate
use of a royal sword

332
00:12:51,280 --> 00:12:53,079
since I knighted Phillip Green

333
00:12:53,080 --> 00:12:54,279
[laughs]

334
00:12:54,280 --> 00:12:55,920
Of course, it might have just been snuff.

335
00:12:55,944 --> 00:12:57,439
Well, the only thing that ever gets

336
00:12:57,440 --> 00:12:59,279
up my nose is Camilla.

337
00:12:59,280 --> 00:13:00,639
[laughs]

338
00:13:00,640 --> 00:13:04,079
Goddamn it Lillibet, where
the fecking feck is it.

339
00:13:04,080 --> 00:13:06,079
Looks like the old man's lost something.

340
00:13:06,080 --> 00:13:07,719
Yes, his fecking marbles.

341
00:13:07,720 --> 00:13:08,520
[laughs]

342
00:13:08,521 --> 00:13:10,439
It's this bloody Brexit business.

343
00:13:10,440 --> 00:13:12,399
I'm looking for my Greek passport.

344
00:13:12,400 --> 00:13:14,959
I'm not paying 50 quid for a ruddy Visa

345
00:13:14,960 --> 00:13:15,999
to visit Europe.

346
00:13:16,000 --> 00:13:17,399
I blame the Germans.

347
00:13:17,400 --> 00:13:19,039
You keep my family out of this.

348
00:13:19,040 --> 00:13:20,319
[laughs]

349
00:13:20,320 --> 00:13:22,719
That's what I love about
Missus Crown's Boys,

350
00:13:22,720 --> 00:13:25,239
it's just one dodgy line after another.

351
00:13:25,240 --> 00:13:26,240
[laughs]

352
00:13:26,240 --> 00:13:27,120
Good night, plebs.

353
00:13:27,121 --> 00:13:29,399
[crowd applauds]

354
00:13:29,400 --> 00:13:31,199
[Narrator] New jobs for David Cameron,

355
00:13:31,200 --> 00:13:33,239
number 23 Burger Bar.

356
00:13:33,240 --> 00:13:35,959
Right, imagine I'm a
customer, sell me something.

357
00:13:35,960 --> 00:13:38,439
I can't, I've already sold
everything off to China.

358
00:13:38,440 --> 00:13:39,719
Just give me a burger.

359
00:13:39,720 --> 00:13:41,359
Oh right, here you go.

360
00:13:41,360 --> 00:13:42,880
And, would you like and OBE with that?

361
00:13:42,904 --> 00:13:44,479
Of course, you will have to start on

362
00:13:44,480 --> 00:13:45,879
a zero hours contract.

363
00:13:45,880 --> 00:13:47,919
No problem, zero hours is exactly what

364
00:13:47,920 --> 00:13:50,039
I used to work as an MP.

365
00:13:50,040 --> 00:13:53,199
[Narrator] New, from Desperate
Franchise Productions

366
00:13:53,200 --> 00:13:54,920
Suffragette, the Reboot.

367
00:13:55,760 --> 00:13:59,639
In a time of great injustice
one woman would stand up

368
00:13:59,640 --> 00:14:00,959
and be counted.

369
00:14:00,960 --> 00:14:03,959
Sisters, I am a new breed of feminist.

370
00:14:03,960 --> 00:14:06,199
Starring Kim Kardashian.

371
00:14:06,200 --> 00:14:08,959
Fighting oppression of the patriarchy.

372
00:14:08,960 --> 00:14:11,679
Fighting for the right to wear no clothes

373
00:14:11,680 --> 00:14:14,399
- for publicity reasons.
- What?

374
00:14:14,400 --> 00:14:16,999
[Narrator] One woman's
quest for empowerment.

375
00:14:17,000 --> 00:14:20,399
Up votes for women, more
page views for my pum-pum.

376
00:14:20,400 --> 00:14:22,159
Double click on my double Gs.

377
00:14:22,160 --> 00:14:23,319
Put 'em away, madam.

378
00:14:23,320 --> 00:14:25,199
- [slaps]
- Sexist.

379
00:14:25,200 --> 00:14:27,959
All my life men have told me what to do.

380
00:14:27,960 --> 00:14:30,159
Chain yourself to the railings, Kim,

381
00:14:30,160 --> 00:14:31,639
you'll look really hot.

382
00:14:31,640 --> 00:14:34,079
Shut up Kanye, you chauvinist pig.

383
00:14:34,080 --> 00:14:37,279
I'm going to chain myself to
the railings to look really hot

384
00:14:37,280 --> 00:14:39,559
- for feminism.
- Whatever.

385
00:14:39,560 --> 00:14:42,279
[Narrator] Suffragette,
she changed the way women

386
00:14:42,280 --> 00:14:44,479
would be see, forever.

387
00:14:44,480 --> 00:14:48,559
Selfie, this is gonna like
break the printing press.

388
00:14:48,560 --> 00:14:50,080
[Narrator] New jobs for David Cameron,

389
00:14:50,104 --> 00:14:52,719
number 32, football coach.

390
00:14:52,720 --> 00:14:55,119
So, what makes you think
you'll be right for this job?

391
00:14:55,120 --> 00:14:57,119
Well, I've always been a massive fan

392
00:14:57,120 --> 00:14:58,679
of Astonham Rovers.

393
00:14:58,680 --> 00:15:01,759
This is Leicester City, we
need a safe pair of hands

394
00:15:01,760 --> 00:15:03,839
who's not gonna do anything
stupid and reckless,

395
00:15:03,840 --> 00:15:06,040
that sends us crashing out of Europe.

396
00:15:07,080 --> 00:15:08,479
Good luck with the soccer ball.

397
00:15:08,480 --> 00:15:09,679
[hums]

398
00:15:09,680 --> 00:15:10,879
[gasps]

399
00:15:10,880 --> 00:15:14,279
Come on Tyson, it's only a
month till the big fight.

400
00:15:14,280 --> 00:15:17,119
Look at me, heavyweight
Champion of the World.

401
00:15:17,120 --> 00:15:19,519
More like fat bastard weight champion.

402
00:15:19,520 --> 00:15:21,799
I've never gonna hurt Klitschko.

403
00:15:21,800 --> 00:15:24,599
Not with your fists, but
can still do some serious

404
00:15:24,600 --> 00:15:25,839
damage with your gob.

405
00:15:25,840 --> 00:15:29,599
Yeah, Klitschko, you devil worshiper.

406
00:15:29,600 --> 00:15:32,239
Bosch, you have about as much charisma

407
00:15:32,240 --> 00:15:34,479
as my underpants, bosch.

408
00:15:34,480 --> 00:15:37,279
Nah, Klitchko's heard all your old stuff,

409
00:15:37,280 --> 00:15:38,799
you need some new material.

410
00:15:38,800 --> 00:15:41,919
So, I've got you an insults
coach, the most offensive

411
00:15:41,920 --> 00:15:43,759
person I could find.

412
00:15:43,760 --> 00:15:46,919
- Katie Hopkins?
- Look at those man boobs,

413
00:15:46,920 --> 00:15:50,239
last time I saw nogs as big
as that was in a Starbucks

414
00:15:50,240 --> 00:15:53,039
with a little brat attached, revolting.

415
00:15:53,040 --> 00:15:55,279
Wow, that was below the belt.

416
00:15:55,280 --> 00:15:57,839
- She's good.
- So, this Klitschko

417
00:15:57,840 --> 00:15:59,039
is Ukrainian, right?

418
00:15:59,040 --> 00:16:00,759
Let's see what you've got.

419
00:16:00,760 --> 00:16:04,479
Right, I'm gonna send
you to hospital, bosch.

420
00:16:04,480 --> 00:16:06,959
Like all those other
sponging Eastern Europeans

421
00:16:06,960 --> 00:16:10,039
- using our NHS for free.
- Ouch.

422
00:16:10,040 --> 00:16:11,839
Come on, harder.

423
00:16:11,840 --> 00:16:16,079
After I finish with you you'll
look even uglier, bosch.

424
00:16:16,080 --> 00:16:18,799
You need to be more offensive, Tyson.

425
00:16:18,800 --> 00:16:21,839
Oh Tyson, isn't that the
kind of name thick people

426
00:16:21,840 --> 00:16:23,479
give to their ugly dogs?

427
00:16:23,480 --> 00:16:24,799
Hock it in.

428
00:16:24,800 --> 00:16:26,839
Actually, you are quite like a pitbull.

429
00:16:26,840 --> 00:16:29,319
You should have be stuck
in a bag and drowned

430
00:16:29,320 --> 00:16:30,999
- in a canal.
- Oy.

431
00:16:31,000 --> 00:16:31,960
[thuds]

432
00:16:31,961 --> 00:16:34,719
Best place for a woman, that, on her back.

433
00:16:34,720 --> 00:16:37,759
Wow, my work here is done.

434
00:16:37,760 --> 00:16:39,999
[rock music]

435
00:16:40,000 --> 00:16:43,240
[X Factor theme music]

436
00:16:45,640 --> 00:16:49,799
Okay Keith, let's hear what you've got.

437
00:16:49,800 --> 00:16:50,879
♪ Bottoms and fannies ♪

438
00:16:50,880 --> 00:16:52,439
♪ And willies and boobies ♪

439
00:16:52,440 --> 00:16:53,799
♪ Boogies and bum grapes ♪

440
00:16:53,800 --> 00:16:55,279
♪ And big snotty loogies ♪

441
00:16:55,280 --> 00:16:56,719
♪ Fat hairy balls sacks ♪

442
00:16:56,720 --> 00:16:58,079
♪ And men's dingalings ♪

443
00:16:58,080 --> 00:16:59,159
♪ These are a few ♪

444
00:16:59,160 --> 00:17:01,199
♪ Of my favorite things ♪

445
00:17:01,200 --> 00:17:02,919
- Mine too.
- Oh.

446
00:17:02,920 --> 00:17:04,239
♪ When the checks bounce ♪

447
00:17:04,240 --> 00:17:05,719
♪ When the bank rings ♪

448
00:17:05,720 --> 00:17:08,119
♪ When I'm feeling blue ♪

449
00:17:08,120 --> 00:17:09,279
♪ I just shout a few ♪

450
00:17:09,280 --> 00:17:10,999
♪ Of my favorite things ♪

451
00:17:11,000 --> 00:17:13,119
♪ And get me own show ♪

452
00:17:13,120 --> 00:17:16,559
♪ On ITV2 ♪

453
00:17:16,560 --> 00:17:20,399
- Look ladies it's me wanger.
- You wish.

454
00:17:20,400 --> 00:17:21,759
- Aw.
- Next.

455
00:17:21,760 --> 00:17:25,639
[punchy upbeat music]

456
00:17:25,640 --> 00:17:28,959
Can you help please? Which
way is it to Downing Street?

457
00:17:28,960 --> 00:17:31,159
Downing Street, I'm heading there myself.

458
00:17:31,160 --> 00:17:32,399
Oh, are you really?

459
00:17:32,400 --> 00:17:34,879
Absolutely, you should
have seen the Corbinator

460
00:17:34,880 --> 00:17:37,279
take Theresa May apart on Grammar Schools.

461
00:17:37,280 --> 00:17:39,599
I know the way to go, follow me.

462
00:17:39,600 --> 00:17:42,319
- Ah ha.
- And, left here.

463
00:17:42,320 --> 00:17:44,039
- Okay.
- Left again.

464
00:17:44,040 --> 00:17:47,679
And, take a left. Left, left again.

465
00:17:47,680 --> 00:17:49,759
- Man.
- Then, that far left.

466
00:17:49,760 --> 00:17:51,559
Are you sure you know what you're doing?

467
00:17:51,560 --> 00:17:53,239
Oh, ye of little faith.

468
00:17:53,240 --> 00:17:54,959
We just have to keep going.

469
00:17:54,960 --> 00:17:55,960
- Left.
- Yep.

470
00:17:56,880 --> 00:18:01,879
Left. Left here. Then left.

471
00:18:01,880 --> 00:18:03,799
You've led us to the wilderness.

472
00:18:03,800 --> 00:18:06,359
Admit it, you've totally lost your way.

473
00:18:06,360 --> 00:18:09,559
Not at all, look, Karl Marx.

474
00:18:09,560 --> 00:18:11,799
See, I told you we were
on the right track.

475
00:18:11,800 --> 00:18:14,360
Now left, even further left.

476
00:18:15,360 --> 00:18:16,880
[Narrator] New jobs for David Cameron,

477
00:18:16,904 --> 00:18:18,104
Number 75, Proctologist.

478
00:18:20,160 --> 00:18:22,719
I've always wanted to try
my hand at Proctology.

479
00:18:22,720 --> 00:18:23,560
[snaps]

480
00:18:23,561 --> 00:18:25,519
What makes you an expert
in that particular

481
00:18:25,520 --> 00:18:26,959
part of the anatomy?

482
00:18:26,960 --> 00:18:28,959
Well, it takes one to know one.

483
00:18:28,960 --> 00:18:30,559
[yells]

484
00:18:30,560 --> 00:18:33,319
The buglatron particle
readings are off the chart.

485
00:18:33,320 --> 00:18:36,759
There's about to be a tear
in the space time continuum.

486
00:18:36,760 --> 00:18:37,720
[crackles]

487
00:18:37,721 --> 00:18:39,639
- What the?
- There's no time.

488
00:18:39,640 --> 00:18:41,399
I've come from the future to warn you,

489
00:18:41,400 --> 00:18:43,879
well me, to get out while you still can.

490
00:18:43,880 --> 00:18:45,919
The upcoming series of Doctor Who

491
00:18:45,920 --> 00:18:47,639
gets even more complicated.

492
00:18:47,640 --> 00:18:49,199
How is that even possible?

493
00:18:49,200 --> 00:18:51,839
I jump across my own
potential future time streams,

494
00:18:51,840 --> 00:18:54,159
vaporize my parents before I'm even born

495
00:18:54,160 --> 00:18:56,279
and get scattered across the meta galaxy

496
00:18:56,280 --> 00:18:58,360
while the TARDIS disappears
up it's own neutron flow.

497
00:18:58,384 --> 00:19:01,359
- That's incomprehensible.
- Quick, hold onto

498
00:19:01,360 --> 00:19:02,999
this time ring.

499
00:19:03,000 --> 00:19:04,479
[crackles]

500
00:19:04,480 --> 00:19:05,559
Where are we?

501
00:19:05,560 --> 00:19:07,399
We've traveled way back in time to when

502
00:19:07,400 --> 00:19:09,159
the series was much simpler.

503
00:19:09,160 --> 00:19:10,919
- [thuds]
- And cheaper.

504
00:19:10,920 --> 00:19:12,800
You will be exterminated.

505
00:19:13,920 --> 00:19:16,359
It's an upside down bin
with some tennis balls

506
00:19:16,360 --> 00:19:18,159
- stuck to it.
- Exactly,

507
00:19:18,160 --> 00:19:19,879
and it's much easier to defeat.

508
00:19:19,880 --> 00:19:23,399
By reversing the polarity,
using a reality manipulator

509
00:19:23,400 --> 00:19:25,959
to harness the power of
the Hand of Rascelon.

510
00:19:25,960 --> 00:19:28,199
No, by hitting it with a stick.

511
00:19:28,200 --> 00:19:29,919
- [crashes]
- Ow, ow.

512
00:19:29,920 --> 00:19:31,879
See, things were so much simpler

513
00:19:31,880 --> 00:19:34,639
on the measly 1970s BBC budget.

514
00:19:34,640 --> 00:19:39,640
- Hang on, BBC 1970s.
- [gasps]

515
00:19:40,280 --> 00:19:42,399
We're next door to the
Top of the Pops studio.

516
00:19:42,400 --> 00:19:43,439
Let's get out of here.

517
00:19:43,440 --> 00:19:45,759
We can quantum time leap
stream to the confusing

518
00:19:45,760 --> 00:19:47,519
past future chronomatrix.

519
00:19:47,520 --> 00:19:51,160
- That's so complicated.
- Exactly, it's perfect.

520
00:19:52,440 --> 00:19:55,999
Take me with you, take me with you.

521
00:19:56,000 --> 00:19:58,600
[mellow music]

522
00:20:01,240 --> 00:20:06,119
♪ Adele is me ♪

523
00:20:06,120 --> 00:20:08,119
♪ I'm platinum selling ♪

524
00:20:08,120 --> 00:20:11,839
♪ One woman music industry ♪

525
00:20:11,840 --> 00:20:16,840
♪ My cash is rolling in the deep ♪

526
00:20:17,840 --> 00:20:20,639
♪ I wipe my ass with 50s ♪

527
00:20:20,640 --> 00:20:22,999
♪ I cry diamonds when I weep ♪

528
00:20:23,000 --> 00:20:26,319
♪ But my soul is aching ♪

529
00:20:26,320 --> 00:20:29,199
♪ And longing ♪

530
00:20:29,200 --> 00:20:34,200
♪ For something I cannot have ♪

531
00:20:34,920 --> 00:20:39,920
♪ I wanna be a normal bird ♪

532
00:20:40,400 --> 00:20:42,039
♪ Drive a rusty Micra ♪

533
00:20:42,040 --> 00:20:45,999
♪ Not be chauffeured ♪

534
00:20:46,000 --> 00:20:48,879
♪ I wanna put my bins out ♪

535
00:20:48,880 --> 00:20:51,719
♪ But my drive's nine miles long ♪

536
00:20:51,720 --> 00:20:54,399
♪ And I live too far from a Primark ♪

537
00:20:54,400 --> 00:20:57,279
♪ To buy a leopard print thong ♪

538
00:20:57,280 --> 00:21:02,280
♪ Wanna hit Lidl in the afternoon ♪

539
00:21:03,120 --> 00:21:08,120
♪ Then follow onto Wetherspoons ♪

540
00:21:08,600 --> 00:21:11,439
♪ I'll a pasty in Greggs ♪

541
00:21:11,440 --> 00:21:14,439
♪ And sit on the floor ♪

542
00:21:14,440 --> 00:21:15,719
♪ But my entourage ♪

543
00:21:15,720 --> 00:21:20,079
♪ Won't fit in the store ♪

544
00:21:20,080 --> 00:21:22,679
♪ And I when I take my purse ♪

545
00:21:22,680 --> 00:21:25,479
♪ Out of my Prada coat ♪

546
00:21:25,480 --> 00:21:28,319
♪ They can't give me change ♪

547
00:21:28,320 --> 00:21:31,599
♪ For my thousand pound note ♪

548
00:21:31,600 --> 00:21:36,600
♪ Wanna be an average joe ♪

549
00:21:36,920 --> 00:21:41,920
♪ Why maybe there's a way to go ♪

550
00:21:42,760 --> 00:21:47,760
♪ I know a normal thing I can do ♪

551
00:21:48,360 --> 00:21:50,999
♪ I can swear like a trucker ♪

552
00:21:51,000 --> 00:21:54,679
♪ Shit, bollocks, fuck you ♪

553
00:21:54,680 --> 00:21:56,559
I wish I had a onesie from Asda,

554
00:21:56,560 --> 00:21:59,680
this friggin' Versace dress
is itching right up my ass.

555
00:22:01,100 --> 00:22:03,280
[punchy upbeat music]

556
00:22:03,304 --> 00:22:06,104
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