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[punchy upbeat music]

2
00:00:09,240 --> 00:00:12,399
[upbeat music]

3
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Time now for the results of
our Own Goal of the Month

4
00:00:14,760 --> 00:00:16,919
competition, and there's a clear winner.

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Let's have a look at at
Sam Allardyce in action.

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There's no stopping Big Sam,
he's already hit the bar twice.

7
00:00:23,240 --> 00:00:24,080
[belches]

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And, he's dribbling nicely.

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Sorry, I didn't quite catch that,

10
00:00:31,720 --> 00:00:34,120
could you speak more
clearly into these flowers?

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[Newscaster] Oh, what
a dummy, just look at

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all that space between his ears.

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Oh, he's left himself wide open there.

14
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Will his defense hold up?
He's clearly crossed the line.

15
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Oh, he shot himself right in the foot.

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So, congratulations to
Big Sam and the runner up

17
00:00:58,640 --> 00:01:01,279
for Own Goal of the Month,
is FA for appointing

18
00:01:01,280 --> 00:01:03,200
him in the first place, good night.

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I tell you, it wasn't working
properly at the last debate.

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It's better be goddamned
working for the next one.

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Well, let's just test it Mister Trump.

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Say something into the mic and we'll see

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if it's working now.

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Testing, testing Hillary
is a man and she was

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brought up in Russia by communist wolves.

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Nope, your brain is still not working.

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Mexican's stole the moon
and towed it to China

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to cause global warming.

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How the hell is he still
neck and neck in the polls?

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Google baboons and
cheese, just saying folks.

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[inhales]

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I'm so tired after that
holiday, I need a holiday.

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Yeah, me too.

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Did you pack these bags yourself?

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[laughs]

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- As if.
- Here, shove these

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in your nappy, sis.

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They never check the babies.

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Goo, goo, ga, ga.

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All right, have a nice, but dull flight.

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Oy, don't forget your teddy, Charlotte.

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[growls]

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You can't take that on the plane.

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What, you're gonna take
away a little baby's

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- cuddly toy?
- [thuds]

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- [cries]
- Oh look,

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00:01:58,600 --> 00:02:00,359
you made her cry.

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George, what is going on?

49
00:02:02,360 --> 00:02:04,079
This is just a souvenir.

50
00:02:04,080 --> 00:02:06,039
What's wrong with a tea towel?

51
00:02:06,040 --> 00:02:09,279
Only 9.99, available exclusively
from Middleton's Party tat.

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Listen duchess, I'll level with you.

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Got a little bit of trouble back home

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with a couple of tasty lads with pitbulls.

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They'll soon change their
tune when they see me

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with a bloody great bear on a chain.

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Well, I suppose we did
say we'd get them a pet.

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Get in, and anyway if it doesn't work out

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I'll flog it to the royal guards for hats.

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[growls]

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Oh, keep your hair on
Ted, I'm only joking.

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Oy, oy, say oy.

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[growls]

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[Narrator] It's day one
in the FA search for

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the new England manager.

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I'd be perfect of the job.
I'm honest, I'm infallible.

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And, if England is ever going
to win the World Cup again

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you're going to need a miracle, mamma mia.

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[mellow music]

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Whoa, crikey Phil what is going on with

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that thing on your head?

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I don't know Danny Dyer,
it's been getting bigger

73
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and bigger so I popped down
to the clinic and you're

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not going to believe this.

75
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- What?
- I'm going to be a dad.

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- You what?
- Check this out.

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- [pops]
- Blimey.

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Talk about a chip off the old block.

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Do you know what it is yet?

80
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- A Jersey royal.
- Oh, bless.

81
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Well, aren't we going
to wet the baby's head?

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Oh yeah, sorry Phil.

83
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Hit ya's.

84
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I'm not surprised Big Sam came a cropper.

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If you put a money grubbing
white boy in charge

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of a team of egotistical
losers you know it's gonna

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end with someone saying, "You're fired."

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[punchy upbeat music]

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10 celebrities are washed up on an island,

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sorry 10 washed up
celebrities are on an island.

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I've never heard of you.

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Well, I've never heard of you.

93
00:03:39,560 --> 00:03:40,879
Well, I've never heard of me.

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Over the next few weeks
they must find the headlines

95
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they need for their careers to survive.

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I'm Bear Grylls, all
around tough guy and this,

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oy bring that back.

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And this is Publicity Island.

99
00:03:54,120 --> 00:03:56,759
- [squeaks]
- [dramatic music]

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Their first challenge is
to find a source of water

101
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so they can have a shower
with their tops off.

102
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Next, they need to build
a shelter so they can go

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00:04:05,280 --> 00:04:06,439
and have sex in it.

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I really fancy you, girl from
telly slash Made in Chelsea.

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I like you too bloke who
was in that thing once.

106
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Then, with virtually no
Twitter followers left

107
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one of the group gives
up and radios for help.

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Sir, your table is ready.

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Oh great, be with you in a minute.

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Must have publicity.

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[radio crackles]

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Send the safety team, I'm quitting early.

113
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That should get me some
media coverage. Woohoo.

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Get enough publicity and these celebrities

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could one day find
themselves in the jungle

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with Ant and Deck eating
an alligator penis,

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like this one.

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- Mm, delicious.
- That's just

119
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- a sausage, sir.
- Shh.

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[bell tolls]

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[Man] I thought you were doing it.

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What, I'm too busy. I'm
minister for Brexit.

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Make that minister for cock-ups.

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That's your department.

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- Minions.
- [gasps]

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I ordered you to organize a
surprise birthday party for me.

127
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Ah yes, well gosh about that.

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We couldn't decide what you meant when you

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told us to organize your birthday party.

130
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Birthday party means birthday party.

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- Which means?
- I should have known

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not to put you idiots
in charge of anything.

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You couldn't organize
a piss up in a brewery.

134
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Now, that's a bit harsh.

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It's not our fault the brewery went bust.

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Well, it is a bit.

137
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The good news is we
have agreed a framework

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00:05:22,600 --> 00:05:25,919
that will ensure your 60th
birthday party definitely

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00:05:25,920 --> 00:05:29,279
- takes place before 2019.
- Probably.

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00:05:29,280 --> 00:05:30,559
- Possibly.
- Maybe.

141
00:05:30,560 --> 00:05:34,279
- Minions!
- But, we did get you a cake.

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00:05:34,280 --> 00:05:36,239
Close your eyes and make a wish.

143
00:05:36,240 --> 00:05:38,399
That's pretty much my strategy for Brexit.

144
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[blows]

145
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Oh, you're all still here.

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[groans]

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00:05:44,600 --> 00:05:47,360
[dramatic music]

148
00:05:51,480 --> 00:05:54,799
♪ Started baking at the BBC ♪

149
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♪ Now I've left it for a bigger fee ♪

150
00:05:57,480 --> 00:06:00,519
- ♪ I want money ♪
- ♪ That's what he wants ♪

151
00:06:00,520 --> 00:06:05,359
- ♪ Channel four money ♪
- ♪ That's what he wants ♪

152
00:06:05,360 --> 00:06:08,439
♪ It's good bye to the other three ♪

153
00:06:08,440 --> 00:06:10,799
♪ So much for any loyalty ♪

154
00:06:10,800 --> 00:06:14,519
- ♪ Just give me money ♪
- ♪That's what he wants ♪

155
00:06:14,520 --> 00:06:18,079
Oh look, they even named
this place after me.

156
00:06:18,080 --> 00:06:19,799
Uh, they so didn't.

157
00:06:19,800 --> 00:06:20,640
[grunts]

158
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Don't you just hate
massive Hollywood egos.

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00:06:23,280 --> 00:06:24,120
[phone rings]

160
00:06:24,121 --> 00:06:25,841
[Woman On Phone] James,
I've got her majesty

161
00:06:25,865 --> 00:06:26,759
the queen on the line.

162
00:06:26,760 --> 00:06:28,679
Tell her to hold.

163
00:06:28,680 --> 00:06:31,359
Kanye is always saying to me that I've got

164
00:06:31,360 --> 00:06:33,919
a lot in common with Sam Allardyce.

165
00:06:33,920 --> 00:06:36,919
The start of my career is
just like the end of his,

166
00:06:36,920 --> 00:06:40,279
a massive ass famously caught on camera.

167
00:06:40,280 --> 00:06:42,079
[laughs]

168
00:06:42,080 --> 00:06:46,239
Oh, thank heavens, the
baby's finally gone to sleep.

169
00:06:46,240 --> 00:06:48,200
Let's get some shut eye while we can.

170
00:06:49,560 --> 00:06:51,279
Wake her up, wake her up.

171
00:06:51,280 --> 00:06:53,359
- Hello mother.
- [cries]

172
00:06:53,360 --> 00:06:55,519
Stop bellyaching and start playing

173
00:06:55,520 --> 00:06:56,999
you wee bag of shite.

174
00:06:57,000 --> 00:06:59,599
How are you going to wear more grand slams

175
00:06:59,600 --> 00:07:01,479
than your underachieving
father if you're not

176
00:07:01,480 --> 00:07:03,879
practicing your tennis 24 hours a day

177
00:07:03,880 --> 00:07:05,599
seven days a week including Christmas?

178
00:07:05,600 --> 00:07:10,560
But Mom, she's just baby.
She needs her sleep.

179
00:07:10,760 --> 00:07:13,439
Oh, do you think the
Federer twins are taking

180
00:07:13,440 --> 00:07:14,799
time off to sleep?

181
00:07:14,800 --> 00:07:17,399
- Hell no.
- Not even for an hour?

182
00:07:17,400 --> 00:07:19,679
I let Jaime have an hour
of sleep when he was

183
00:07:19,680 --> 00:07:21,919
that age and look what happened to him.

184
00:07:21,920 --> 00:07:25,639
Only a doubles champion, ack the shame.

185
00:07:25,640 --> 00:07:26,480
[thuds]

186
00:07:26,481 --> 00:07:29,999
Useless child, you're
no grand slam material.

187
00:07:30,000 --> 00:07:31,959
I'm finished with yous.

188
00:07:31,960 --> 00:07:33,879
At least now we can get some sleep.

189
00:07:33,880 --> 00:07:38,479
Sleep, no way you're going
to make me another one.

190
00:07:38,480 --> 00:07:40,440
New balls, please.

191
00:07:41,560 --> 00:07:43,879
[Narrator] Coming soon
from Desperate Franchise

192
00:07:43,880 --> 00:07:48,839
Productions, Four Weddings
and a Funeral, the Reboot.

193
00:07:48,840 --> 00:07:50,479
[knocks on door]

194
00:07:50,480 --> 00:07:53,719
- Starring Cheryl Tweedy.
- [thuds]

195
00:07:53,720 --> 00:07:56,199
- Cheryl Cole.
- [thuds]

196
00:07:56,200 --> 00:07:59,399
- Cheryl Ferdnandez.
- [thuds]

197
00:07:59,400 --> 00:08:01,759
Cheryl, just Cheryl.

198
00:08:01,760 --> 00:08:04,599
- Hello.
- Hi, you're soaking.

199
00:08:04,600 --> 00:08:06,999
Is it still raining? I hadn't noticed.

200
00:08:07,000 --> 00:08:09,199
This is like a summer's day for a jody.

201
00:08:09,200 --> 00:08:12,079
Anyway, I proper loves you
and that, will you marry us?

202
00:08:12,080 --> 00:08:13,480
But, I don't even know who you are.

203
00:08:13,504 --> 00:08:16,279
That doesn't matter, I've
got a really good feeling

204
00:08:16,280 --> 00:08:19,039
about this, we should
definitely tie the knot.

205
00:08:19,040 --> 00:08:21,439
We're met to be together, look.

206
00:08:21,440 --> 00:08:24,119
Ah, I think you want next
door, this is number 21.

207
00:08:24,120 --> 00:08:25,439
[sighs]

208
00:08:25,440 --> 00:08:29,479
[Narrator] Also coming soon,
Notting Hill, the Reboot.

209
00:08:29,480 --> 00:08:31,999
I'm just a girl standing in front of a boy

210
00:08:32,000 --> 00:08:34,559
asking him to rush into
a car crash relationship

211
00:08:34,560 --> 00:08:37,119
and end up on the cover
of Closer Magazine.

212
00:08:37,120 --> 00:08:38,759
Oh please look, I'm sorry I stopped you.

213
00:08:38,760 --> 00:08:40,079
Please, just let me go.

214
00:08:40,080 --> 00:08:42,119
[sighs]

215
00:08:42,120 --> 00:08:45,479
[Narrator] New BBC cookery
show pilot, check one.

216
00:08:45,480 --> 00:08:48,319
Welcome to the great
United Kingdom Cake-off.

217
00:08:48,320 --> 00:08:50,719
Oh, sounds a bit like Bake-off.

218
00:08:50,720 --> 00:08:52,919
- Shh, naughty.
- [laughs]

219
00:08:52,920 --> 00:08:56,879
BBC's completely new
and 100% original shows.

220
00:08:56,880 --> 00:08:59,279
Set in the famous Cake-off marquee.

221
00:08:59,280 --> 00:09:01,199
Yes, not a tent at all.

222
00:09:01,200 --> 00:09:04,319
Let's bring in our cookery
expert, Mary Berry.

223
00:09:04,320 --> 00:09:06,519
Hurry up Mary, if we get
this out quickly enough

224
00:09:06,520 --> 00:09:08,479
Channel Four's show will be sunk.

225
00:09:08,480 --> 00:09:09,999
Like a bad souffle.

226
00:09:10,000 --> 00:09:13,199
But, I can't help feeling
someone's missing.

227
00:09:13,200 --> 00:09:15,079
Don't worry, Mary, we've found the perfect

228
00:09:15,080 --> 00:09:16,199
replacement for Paul.

229
00:09:16,200 --> 00:09:17,879
The Tessbot 2000.

230
00:09:17,880 --> 00:09:22,079
Keep baking, keep baking, keep baking.

231
00:09:22,080 --> 00:09:25,159
Well, she's much more
articulate than he was,

232
00:09:25,160 --> 00:09:27,319
but is she any good in the kitchen?

233
00:09:27,320 --> 00:09:28,759
- You betcha.
- Thanks to

234
00:09:28,760 --> 00:09:30,399
this new attachment.

235
00:09:30,400 --> 00:09:33,839
Keep whisking, keep
whisking, soggy bottom.

236
00:09:33,840 --> 00:09:35,879
[mellow music]

237
00:09:35,880 --> 00:09:39,079
I won't be reapplying for
the job as I must confess

238
00:09:39,080 --> 00:09:40,879
I am not without sin myself.

239
00:09:40,880 --> 00:09:43,319
I once found a sixpence
on the dressing room floor

240
00:09:43,320 --> 00:09:46,679
and I'm ashamed to say I
pocketed it and treated myself

241
00:09:46,680 --> 00:09:48,199
to some mint imperials.

242
00:09:48,200 --> 00:09:49,960
Luckily, the story never got out.

243
00:09:50,960 --> 00:09:54,159
Look lively, May, our
new program starts soon.

244
00:09:54,160 --> 00:09:56,159
It's not on until November.

245
00:09:56,160 --> 00:09:58,519
I know, but it will take
us at least until then

246
00:09:58,520 --> 00:10:02,359
to work out how to find
this bloody Amazon channel.

247
00:10:02,360 --> 00:10:04,559
I think you need one of these.

248
00:10:04,560 --> 00:10:07,359
What the hell is that?

249
00:10:07,360 --> 00:10:10,599
It says to plug it into your HDMI port.

250
00:10:10,600 --> 00:10:13,319
What in God's trousers is one of those.

251
00:10:13,320 --> 00:10:14,200
I don't know.

252
00:10:14,201 --> 00:10:18,159
We're having IT issues, we
need a child. Where's Hammond?

253
00:10:18,160 --> 00:10:21,039
It says here you need
the code for your wifi.

254
00:10:21,040 --> 00:10:23,599
Wifi, there's no such word.

255
00:10:23,600 --> 00:10:25,519
For the internet connection.

256
00:10:25,520 --> 00:10:28,159
You can't watch telly on the internet.

257
00:10:28,160 --> 00:10:31,039
I know how to sort this, bosch.

258
00:10:31,040 --> 00:10:32,960
Just work damn, you, bosch.

259
00:10:33,840 --> 00:10:36,279
Oh no, now we'll never see it.

260
00:10:36,280 --> 00:10:40,919
Hang on, old gits arguing
and massive explosions.

261
00:10:40,920 --> 00:10:42,239
This is pretty much what

262
00:10:42,240 --> 00:10:45,160
- episode one was anyway.
- Nice.

263
00:10:46,360 --> 00:10:49,359
[dramatic music]

264
00:10:49,360 --> 00:10:53,199
Wow, Coronation Street,
I like can't believe

265
00:10:53,200 --> 00:10:54,959
that you're still going.

266
00:10:54,960 --> 00:10:57,319
I can't believe you
are. Fancy a quick one?

267
00:10:57,320 --> 00:10:59,039
Always, that's why I've got another

268
00:10:59,040 --> 00:11:00,399
bloody baby on the way.

269
00:11:00,400 --> 00:11:02,399
Would you believe it, man, eight kids

270
00:11:02,400 --> 00:11:04,479
by five different women.

271
00:11:04,480 --> 00:11:06,119
Is that all. That's naught.

272
00:11:06,120 --> 00:11:08,159
I've got more women on
this street pregnant

273
00:11:08,160 --> 00:11:09,679
than you've had come back tours.

274
00:11:09,680 --> 00:11:11,359
Like, why does this keep happening to us?

275
00:11:11,360 --> 00:11:12,839
What can we do?

276
00:11:12,840 --> 00:11:16,679
Well, we could always just
stop randomly shagging about.

277
00:11:16,680 --> 00:11:18,519
[laughs]

278
00:11:18,520 --> 00:11:20,759
Yeah, good one man, nice, yeah.

279
00:11:20,760 --> 00:11:22,919
I hate Judge's Houses week.

280
00:11:22,920 --> 00:11:23,760
Why is that?

281
00:11:23,761 --> 00:11:26,239
My home was totally trashed.

282
00:11:26,240 --> 00:11:28,599
The neighbors complained
about all the noise.

283
00:11:28,600 --> 00:11:31,039
There was sick all over the carpet.

284
00:11:31,040 --> 00:11:32,040
- Oh.
- And, I had to

285
00:11:32,041 --> 00:11:34,879
sort it all out before
the contestants got there.

286
00:11:34,880 --> 00:11:37,440
Well, if you will leave Ozzy in charge.

287
00:11:38,480 --> 00:11:39,919
Have you voted to leave, Europe?

288
00:11:39,920 --> 00:11:42,839
Worried about what kind of
deal you're going to get

289
00:11:42,840 --> 00:11:43,959
from the EU?

290
00:11:43,960 --> 00:11:47,039
Then, you need comparetheMerkel.com.

291
00:11:47,040 --> 00:11:49,639
This Merkel searched
through literally thousands

292
00:11:49,640 --> 00:11:51,760
of lousy bills to find the
worst possible deal for you

293
00:11:53,320 --> 00:11:56,839
whether it's no more EU subsidies,
no more Visa free travel

294
00:11:56,840 --> 00:12:00,199
to Europe, or no cheap labor
to pick your asparagus.

295
00:12:00,200 --> 00:12:02,959
We are going to stitch
you up good and proper.

296
00:12:02,960 --> 00:12:05,359
I used comparetheMerkel.com.

297
00:12:05,360 --> 00:12:08,439
They found me such a
lousy deal I had to create

298
00:12:08,440 --> 00:12:11,919
a fictitious cabinet post
just to have someone else

299
00:12:11,920 --> 00:12:13,119
to take the blame.

300
00:12:13,120 --> 00:12:16,319
So, if you're the Minister
for Brexit why not

301
00:12:16,320 --> 00:12:20,079
trigger Article 50 and
get a free shit sandwich?

302
00:12:20,080 --> 00:12:22,759
At least it's a good old
British shit sandwich.

303
00:12:22,760 --> 00:12:25,959
ComparetheMerkel.com I guarantee you won't

304
00:12:25,960 --> 00:12:27,759
find a worse deal anywhere.

305
00:12:27,760 --> 00:12:30,759
And, if you wanted the
old, soft cuddly Merkel

306
00:12:30,760 --> 00:12:33,760
you should have stayed
in the EU, simples huh.

307
00:12:35,280 --> 00:12:37,279
[Narrator] Stop-tober.

308
00:12:37,280 --> 00:12:39,599
Most doctors will tell
you smoking and drinking

309
00:12:39,600 --> 00:12:40,719
could shorten your life.

310
00:12:40,720 --> 00:12:43,519
But, for some reason my
doctor say do it as much

311
00:12:43,520 --> 00:12:44,320
as you like, Nige.

312
00:12:44,321 --> 00:12:47,679
She's a lovely bird, from
Poland as it happens, cheers.

313
00:12:47,680 --> 00:12:48,759
[belches]

314
00:12:48,760 --> 00:12:52,359
[punchy upbeat music]

315
00:12:52,360 --> 00:12:54,120
Help, help oh help.

316
00:12:56,040 --> 00:12:58,599
It's all right Miss
Willoughby, pest control.

317
00:12:58,600 --> 00:13:03,199
Oh, thank God, it's horrible.
I don't know what to do.

318
00:13:03,200 --> 00:13:06,719
I'm on it. Now, where did
you last see this pest?

319
00:13:06,720 --> 00:13:08,239
Going through my knicker drawer.

320
00:13:08,240 --> 00:13:10,479
Boobies, buns, dingles.

321
00:13:10,480 --> 00:13:11,320
[laughs]

322
00:13:11,321 --> 00:13:14,639
Oh dear, that is definitely a Keith Lemon.

323
00:13:14,640 --> 00:13:15,839
There's a lot of him about.

324
00:13:15,840 --> 00:13:17,759
They say you're never
more than six minutes

325
00:13:17,760 --> 00:13:19,399
away from a Keith Lemon on telly

326
00:13:19,400 --> 00:13:21,399
these days, filthy creature.

327
00:13:21,400 --> 00:13:23,919
- Funny flaps.
- Get it away from me.

328
00:13:23,920 --> 00:13:25,519
Calm down, love, it's just a character.

329
00:13:25,520 --> 00:13:28,079
How did it get in, through the u-bend?

330
00:13:28,080 --> 00:13:30,239
Probably through the keyhole.

331
00:13:30,240 --> 00:13:34,719
Oh no, it's humping my dressing table now.

332
00:13:34,720 --> 00:13:37,559
Big knob, boobies, big knob, boobies.

333
00:13:37,560 --> 00:13:39,199
Get rid of it.

334
00:13:39,200 --> 00:13:42,479
Not a problem, I'll draw a
cock and balls in the dirt

335
00:13:42,480 --> 00:13:43,480
on the back of my van.

336
00:13:43,481 --> 00:13:45,199
The Keith Lemon won't
be able to resist it.

337
00:13:45,200 --> 00:13:47,359
And, once you've got it out of my house

338
00:13:47,360 --> 00:13:48,879
can you get it off my TV?

339
00:13:48,880 --> 00:13:49,720
[laughs]

340
00:13:49,721 --> 00:13:51,639
Sorry love, I don't do miracles.

341
00:13:51,640 --> 00:13:53,079
Bangers and backs.

342
00:13:53,080 --> 00:13:54,439
[groans]

343
00:13:54,440 --> 00:13:57,439
[upbeat music]

344
00:13:57,440 --> 00:13:58,280
[Audience] Boo.

345
00:13:58,281 --> 00:13:59,479
So, let me get this straight.

346
00:13:59,480 --> 00:14:02,319
You've had five children
by four different fathers.

347
00:14:02,320 --> 00:14:03,679
I have, Jeremy, yeah.

348
00:14:03,680 --> 00:14:05,519
That's disgraceful, come back when

349
00:14:05,520 --> 00:14:07,679
you've had another 10, time waster.

350
00:14:07,680 --> 00:14:08,520
[grunts]

351
00:14:08,521 --> 00:14:11,599
[audience cheers]

352
00:14:11,600 --> 00:14:15,919
We asked 100 smokers what
they thought of stop-tober.

353
00:14:15,920 --> 00:14:17,600
Top answer was, [coughs].

354
00:14:20,400 --> 00:14:22,600
So, well done if you've got that at home.

355
00:14:24,880 --> 00:14:27,159
[Narrator] This is
Judge Rinder and this is

356
00:14:27,160 --> 00:14:28,759
his pretend court.

357
00:14:28,760 --> 00:14:31,399
In court is Adele, she's
looking for millions

358
00:14:31,400 --> 00:14:33,799
in compensation for
loss of future earnings.

359
00:14:33,800 --> 00:14:35,679
The defendant is her boyfriend.

360
00:14:35,680 --> 00:14:39,079
- So Adele.
- ♪ Hello, it's you ♪

361
00:14:39,080 --> 00:14:40,640
Bet that's the first time anyone's ever

362
00:14:40,664 --> 00:14:41,919
done that joke.

363
00:14:41,920 --> 00:14:44,519
I'll do the bitchy stares in my courtroom.

364
00:14:44,520 --> 00:14:46,799
So, million of pounds?

365
00:14:46,800 --> 00:14:49,919
Your boyfriend must be a right bastard.

366
00:14:49,920 --> 00:14:52,039
- That's just it, he isn't.
- I'm sorry?

367
00:14:52,040 --> 00:14:53,839
He's a bleeding gent, he is.

368
00:14:53,840 --> 00:14:55,999
I've written three albums about my bastard

369
00:14:56,000 --> 00:14:58,719
ex-boyfriends, but what have
I ever got out of this one?

370
00:14:58,720 --> 00:15:01,079
- Flowers, everyday.
- Exhibit A.

371
00:15:01,080 --> 00:15:04,519
You unselfish, non-bastard,
I'll never be able

372
00:15:04,520 --> 00:15:05,759
to write another hit.

373
00:15:05,760 --> 00:15:08,079
- But, I love you.
- I love you, too.

374
00:15:08,080 --> 00:15:10,559
Oh God, I've never been so unhappy.

375
00:15:10,560 --> 00:15:12,799
[sobs]

376
00:15:12,800 --> 00:15:15,559
Oh, hang on a moment, this is working.

377
00:15:15,560 --> 00:15:18,479
♪ Never been ♪

378
00:15:18,480 --> 00:15:20,999
♪ So unhappy ♪

379
00:15:21,000 --> 00:15:22,079
[gavel bangs]

380
00:15:22,080 --> 00:15:25,119
♪ Cause I chose ♪

381
00:15:25,120 --> 00:15:27,479
♪ A lovely chappy ♪

382
00:15:27,480 --> 00:15:30,559
♪ Not a bastard, it's the pits ♪

383
00:15:30,560 --> 00:15:33,919
♪ Only bastards inspire my hits ♪

384
00:15:33,920 --> 00:15:37,079
♪ Never gonna win another gold ♪

385
00:15:37,080 --> 00:15:39,719
- Why?
- ♪ Except pay me ♪

386
00:15:39,720 --> 00:15:43,839
♪ For this song ♪

387
00:15:43,840 --> 00:15:44,840
♪ And that's law ♪

388
00:15:44,840 --> 00:15:45,800
[cheers]

389
00:15:45,801 --> 00:15:48,639
Oh yes, still got it. Thank you.

390
00:15:48,640 --> 00:15:50,759
What a ruddy diva.

391
00:15:50,760 --> 00:15:53,920
[punchy upbeat music]

392
00:15:55,080 --> 00:15:57,239
So, what bus are we waiting for?

393
00:15:57,240 --> 00:15:58,919
- Number 10.
- In that case,

394
00:15:58,920 --> 00:16:00,199
we could be here for some time.

395
00:16:00,200 --> 00:16:03,519
Now, now Sadiq, let's not
spoil a great conference.

396
00:16:03,520 --> 00:16:05,119
[siren wails]

397
00:16:05,120 --> 00:16:07,079
Oh no, it's Sarah Lancashire.

398
00:16:07,080 --> 00:16:08,839
Right, where's the blood bath?

399
00:16:08,840 --> 00:16:12,159
Blood bath, no, no we are
completely united now.

400
00:16:12,160 --> 00:16:14,239
Yes, there's nothing to see here.

401
00:16:14,240 --> 00:16:16,359
That's what they all
say, but then I uncover

402
00:16:16,360 --> 00:16:18,719
a trail of vice, drugs, and prostitution.

403
00:16:18,720 --> 00:16:21,039
You leave Keith Vaz out of this.

404
00:16:21,040 --> 00:16:23,559
My instinct tells me
it's about to kick off.

405
00:16:23,560 --> 00:16:26,039
- Absolutely not.
- No more vicious

406
00:16:26,040 --> 00:16:27,519
in fighting here.

407
00:16:27,520 --> 00:16:29,599
So, what do you call this?

408
00:16:29,600 --> 00:16:32,079
- Owen Fingie.
- I am completely

409
00:16:32,080 --> 00:16:34,959
behind Jeremy and haven't in
any way been made to say that.

410
00:16:34,960 --> 00:16:36,159
- [laughs]
- [thuds]

411
00:16:36,160 --> 00:16:37,999
You see we've moved on.

412
00:16:38,000 --> 00:16:39,799
We're all one big family now.

413
00:16:39,800 --> 00:16:41,999
One big family, with simmering tensions

414
00:16:42,000 --> 00:16:45,199
and historic grudges that
fester like an open wound.

415
00:16:45,200 --> 00:16:48,839
Nonsense, we're going to
unite under a socialist banner

416
00:16:48,840 --> 00:16:50,759
and win the next election.

417
00:16:50,760 --> 00:16:52,719
I knew there were drugs involved.

418
00:16:52,720 --> 00:16:53,600
What are you lot on?

419
00:16:53,601 --> 00:16:55,519
We're on the way to oblivion.

420
00:16:55,520 --> 00:16:56,879
- Traitor.
- Trot.

421
00:16:56,880 --> 00:16:59,639
- Blowout.
- God this is depressing.

422
00:16:59,640 --> 00:17:01,199
My kind of place.

423
00:17:01,200 --> 00:17:03,760
[mellow music]

424
00:17:08,440 --> 00:17:11,519
At the next debate Hillary's
not gonna know what hit her.

425
00:17:11,520 --> 00:17:15,519
Good for you, money. I mean, honey.

426
00:17:15,520 --> 00:17:16,879
Things are gonna get personal.

427
00:17:16,880 --> 00:17:20,159
I'm gonna talk about Bill
and his creep relationships

428
00:17:20,160 --> 00:17:22,159
with women far younger than he is.

429
00:17:22,160 --> 00:17:23,839
- Yeah.
- [mellow tones]

430
00:17:23,840 --> 00:17:27,039
Oh, look Trump call on the Trump hotline.

431
00:17:27,040 --> 00:17:30,639
- Hello.
- Hello, Donald it's me Kim.

432
00:17:30,640 --> 00:17:32,359
How did you get a hold of my details?

433
00:17:32,360 --> 00:17:35,839
I crack your password,
it's Trump Password, right?

434
00:17:35,840 --> 00:17:37,039
How did you work that out?

435
00:17:37,040 --> 00:17:39,399
You and me have lots in common.

436
00:17:39,400 --> 00:17:42,119
I like naming everything
after myself, too.

437
00:17:42,120 --> 00:17:45,319
We both have fabulous and
not at all ridiculous hair.

438
00:17:45,320 --> 00:17:46,959
Well, that's true.

439
00:17:46,960 --> 00:17:49,519
I also hate southern neighbor.

440
00:17:49,520 --> 00:17:52,359
I build big fence to
keep foreign scum out.

441
00:17:52,360 --> 00:17:54,399
Kim, I gotta tell you I like you.

442
00:17:54,400 --> 00:17:57,999
And, we both think nuclear
weapons are good idea.

443
00:17:58,000 --> 00:18:00,759
Well, if you've got 'em
you might as well use 'em.

444
00:18:00,760 --> 00:18:04,439
So, when you president
we should get together.

445
00:18:04,440 --> 00:18:07,439
Sure, it's gonna be great.
You can also meet my daughter.

446
00:18:07,440 --> 00:18:10,199
Like I said on that talk
shows, she's so hot.

447
00:18:10,200 --> 00:18:13,319
If I wasn't her father,
I'd date her myself.

448
00:18:13,320 --> 00:18:17,680
Wow, you sick, you too crazy
for me. Good luck, USA.

449
00:18:19,040 --> 00:18:23,679
Give up smoking for a whole
month? You must be joking.

450
00:18:23,680 --> 00:18:26,079
It would make me irritable, grumpy,

451
00:18:26,080 --> 00:18:28,079
and likely to hit someone.

452
00:18:28,080 --> 00:18:29,599
[growls]

453
00:18:29,600 --> 00:18:33,039
[stately music]

454
00:18:33,040 --> 00:18:35,879
As we can see this is a
beautiful gardener's trowel

455
00:18:35,880 --> 00:18:39,079
from the 18th century,
complete with the original...

456
00:18:39,080 --> 00:18:41,399
Sot that, how much can I flog it for?

457
00:18:41,400 --> 00:18:43,919
- Wait a minute, millions...
- Millions?

458
00:18:43,920 --> 00:18:46,199
Millions of viewers want to see your hopes

459
00:18:46,200 --> 00:18:48,999
slowly raised and then cruelly dashed.

460
00:18:49,000 --> 00:18:50,519
[bell tolls]

461
00:18:50,520 --> 00:18:53,039
[ominous music]

462
00:18:53,040 --> 00:18:53,880
[gasps]

463
00:18:53,881 --> 00:18:55,959
Oh no, it's the Grimmie Reaper

464
00:18:55,960 --> 00:18:59,999
Yeah, it's me, Nick Grimshaw,
TV's go to haircut and legs.

465
00:19:00,000 --> 00:19:02,399
I've come to kill your show stone dead.

466
00:19:02,400 --> 00:19:05,399
No, you'll never do it.
We've got a massive audience.

467
00:19:05,400 --> 00:19:06,800
So did the Radio One Breakfast Show

468
00:19:06,824 --> 00:19:08,119
till I started presenting it.

469
00:19:08,120 --> 00:19:09,999
[laughs]

470
00:19:10,000 --> 00:19:12,879
Stay back, I've got a
fake 18th century trowel.

471
00:19:12,880 --> 00:19:14,319
- Fake?
- And, I'm not afraid

472
00:19:14,320 --> 00:19:15,160
to use it.

473
00:19:15,161 --> 00:19:16,439
Ha, you can't kill me.

474
00:19:16,440 --> 00:19:18,599
No matter how many times I die on telly

475
00:19:18,600 --> 00:19:20,079
I always rise again.

476
00:19:20,080 --> 00:19:22,319
- Remember me on the X Factor?
- Not really.

477
00:19:22,320 --> 00:19:25,519
Exactly, and yet here I am
still wafting around TV studios

478
00:19:25,520 --> 00:19:28,599
like a poison fart exhibiting
considerably less charisma

479
00:19:28,600 --> 00:19:31,239
than my crazy haircut
would lead you to expect.

480
00:19:31,240 --> 00:19:33,519
I'm gonna bleed your show dry of viewers.

481
00:19:33,520 --> 00:19:35,079
- Never.
- Wanna see some selfies

482
00:19:35,080 --> 00:19:37,239
of me at Mahiki drinking
Jagerbombs with someone

483
00:19:37,240 --> 00:19:38,999
who looks a bit like Alexa Chung?

484
00:19:39,000 --> 00:19:40,319
- [All] No.
- [footsteps]

485
00:19:40,320 --> 00:19:43,119
See, with banal youthy
banter, I'm scaring off

486
00:19:43,120 --> 00:19:44,999
anybody over the age of 21.

487
00:19:45,000 --> 00:19:46,759
Talk about a worthless feat.

488
00:19:46,760 --> 00:19:49,039
[laughs]

489
00:19:49,040 --> 00:19:50,879
[mellow musiC]

490
00:19:50,880 --> 00:19:52,719
All right, what we got.

491
00:19:52,720 --> 00:19:55,999
Bill, bill, oh, what's this?

492
00:19:56,000 --> 00:19:58,119
Dear Mister Allerdyce you've
brought the whole game

493
00:19:58,120 --> 00:19:59,959
of football into disrepute.

494
00:19:59,960 --> 00:20:02,079
You're clearly a man
willing to use your position

495
00:20:02,080 --> 00:20:04,239
to make extra money for yourself.

496
00:20:04,240 --> 00:20:07,599
Would you be interested in a job at FIFA?

497
00:20:07,600 --> 00:20:10,679
Jump in, we're off to Zurich.

498
00:20:10,680 --> 00:20:11,759
Do you want a ciggy, Kate?

499
00:20:11,760 --> 00:20:15,279
Oh, no way Cara, it's stop-topber.
I've totally given up.

500
00:20:15,280 --> 00:20:18,720
You need to try vaping,
it's so much better for you.

501
00:20:20,480 --> 00:20:22,679
Uh, I don't think you're
meant to set light to it.

502
00:20:22,680 --> 00:20:24,119
[coughs]

503
00:20:24,120 --> 00:20:26,959
Oh, this is the real deal.

504
00:20:26,960 --> 00:20:28,359
[explodes]

505
00:20:28,360 --> 00:20:30,679
- Awesome man.
- [groans]

506
00:20:30,680 --> 00:20:33,639
[urgent music]

507
00:20:33,640 --> 00:20:36,239
You're watching Sky
News with me Kay Burly,

508
00:20:36,240 --> 00:20:39,239
milking innocent victims
for misery like human cows.

509
00:20:39,240 --> 00:20:40,359
[hisses]

510
00:20:40,360 --> 00:20:41,679
- Hi, Burley.
- Hi Rupe.

511
00:20:41,680 --> 00:20:43,839
You wanna go make some people cry?

512
00:20:43,840 --> 00:20:45,439
- Sure thing.
- [hisses]

513
00:20:45,440 --> 00:20:47,279
- Let's go.
- [upbeat music]

514
00:20:47,280 --> 00:20:48,959
♪ I'm a Burley girl ♪

515
00:20:48,960 --> 00:20:51,279
♪ In a Burley world ♪

516
00:20:51,280 --> 00:20:53,079
♪ Face of plastic ♪

517
00:20:53,080 --> 00:20:54,479
♪ It's fantastic ♪

518
00:20:54,480 --> 00:20:56,079
♪ Made Peter Andre cry ♪

519
00:20:56,080 --> 00:20:58,559
♪ And, I love when people die ♪

520
00:20:58,560 --> 00:21:00,079
♪ Trolling the nation ♪

521
00:21:00,080 --> 00:21:01,959
♪ Is my recreation ♪

522
00:21:01,960 --> 00:21:02,840
♪ Go on Burley ♪

523
00:21:02,840 --> 00:21:03,680
♪ You're my girly ♪

524
00:21:03,681 --> 00:21:05,599
♪ Ah ah ah yeah ♪

525
00:21:05,600 --> 00:21:06,440
♪ Be a bitch ♪

526
00:21:06,441 --> 00:21:08,159
♪ And make me richer ♪

527
00:21:08,160 --> 00:21:09,199
♪ Oh oh oh oh ♪

528
00:21:09,200 --> 00:21:10,279
♪ Ask a murder's wife ♪

529
00:21:10,280 --> 00:21:11,679
♪ About their sex life ♪

530
00:21:11,680 --> 00:21:13,320
Love, maybe you should have put out more.

531
00:21:13,321 --> 00:21:14,161
♪ A grieving relly ♪

532
00:21:14,162 --> 00:21:15,239
♪ Makes great telly ♪

533
00:21:15,240 --> 00:21:17,279
Are you sad your mom's dead?

534
00:21:17,280 --> 00:21:18,160
She's what?

535
00:21:18,161 --> 00:21:21,679
♪ You can hope, you can pray ♪

536
00:21:21,680 --> 00:21:25,879
♪ But my toxic face is here to stay ♪

537
00:21:25,880 --> 00:21:26,800
♪ Come on Burley ♪

538
00:21:26,800 --> 00:21:27,720
♪ You're my girly ♪

539
00:21:27,721 --> 00:21:29,599
♪ Ah ah ah yeah ♪

540
00:21:29,600 --> 00:21:30,480
♪ Being not nice ♪

541
00:21:30,481 --> 00:21:32,079
♪ Swells my share price ♪

542
00:21:32,080 --> 00:21:35,279
Aren't you going to apologize for Isis?

543
00:21:35,280 --> 00:21:37,159
Huh, I' Zayn Malik.

544
00:21:37,160 --> 00:21:38,000
♪ Dredge the sewers ♪

545
00:21:38,001 --> 00:21:39,559
♪ Get more viewers ♪

546
00:21:39,560 --> 00:21:40,999
What is this garbage?

547
00:21:41,000 --> 00:21:43,519
Oh Rupe, I'm having so much fun.

548
00:21:43,520 --> 00:21:46,599
Wow, I do believe she's
even more evil that I am.

549
00:21:46,600 --> 00:21:47,759
[hisses]

550
00:21:47,760 --> 00:21:50,159
[groans]

551
00:21:50,260 --> 00:21:52,520
[punchy upbeat music]

552
00:21:52,544 --> 00:21:55,444
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