1
00:00:20,200 --> 00:00:22,880
# People in the night
with people up above

2
00:00:24,280 --> 00:00:25,920
# Oooh, yeah

3
00:00:29,040 --> 00:00:31,040
# Luxury comedy, ooh yeah

4
00:00:31,040 --> 00:00:32,560
# In the bag. #

5
00:00:38,520 --> 00:00:41,560
It's like a glass hedgehog
and he comes out...

6
00:00:41,560 --> 00:00:41,960
This came for you.

7
00:00:41,960 --> 00:00:43,040
Really? What is it?

8
00:00:43,040 --> 00:00:44,120
Not sure.

9
00:00:50,680 --> 00:00:52,680
Great - new cereal!

10
00:00:56,120 --> 00:00:57,240
Mmm.

11
00:00:57,240 --> 00:00:59,400
# Oh baby I like it raw...

12
00:00:59,400 --> 00:01:01,480
# Yeah baby... #

13
00:01:01,480 --> 00:01:04,040
All right, Noel,
did you get my package?

14
00:01:04,040 --> 00:01:05,920
Yeah, just eating them.
Pretty good, actually.

15
00:01:05,920 --> 00:01:09,200
Yeah, they're called Secret Pieces
and they're good, ain't they?

16
00:01:09,200 --> 00:01:11,440
(LAUGHS) Remarkable!
What are they made from?

17
00:01:11,440 --> 00:01:12,720
That's my own shit.

18
00:01:13,840 --> 00:01:15,120
(COUGHS) Oh, Peter!

19
00:01:15,120 --> 00:01:17,640
I mean, that's my
multi-coloured rabbit droppings.

20
00:01:17,640 --> 00:01:22,320
Like, I go into a chamber
and I eat loads of vitamins

21
00:01:22,320 --> 00:01:24,280
and pieces of rainbow.

22
00:01:24,280 --> 00:01:26,760
I make rainbow kebabs
and they spin round

23
00:01:26,760 --> 00:01:29,320
and I slice bits of rainbow off,
put it in pitta bread

24
00:01:29,320 --> 00:01:33,600
and then I munch it down till
I'm big and fat and ready and then

25
00:01:33,600 --> 00:01:37,800
I just pump them out from my blue
shorts straight into the packets.

26
00:01:37,800 --> 00:01:40,080
I can do about
seven packets a week.

27
00:01:40,080 --> 00:01:41,400
Actually...

28
00:01:42,760 --> 00:01:44,400
..they're very moreish.

29
00:01:44,400 --> 00:01:45,920
That'll be the nicotine.

30
00:01:45,920 --> 00:01:49,800
When I first made them they
looked like hundreds and thousands

31
00:01:49,800 --> 00:01:52,880
but more swollen so I called
them tens and twenties...(SNIGGERS)

32
00:01:52,880 --> 00:01:56,520
..and I was going
to use them as cake decoration

33
00:01:56,520 --> 00:01:59,360
so I phoned up Mr Kipperbang,
you know the cake doctor,

34
00:01:59,360 --> 00:02:01,840
and he said, "Go fuck yourself."

35
00:02:01,840 --> 00:02:04,600
But, you know, I think
they go better with milk anyway.

36
00:02:04,600 --> 00:02:06,480
So are they in the shops, then?

37
00:02:06,480 --> 00:02:09,400
No, but they're outside the shops,
by the bush.

38
00:02:09,400 --> 00:02:10,440
Yeah, all right.
See you later, Peter.

39
00:02:10,440 --> 00:02:12,760
Yeah, nice one.
Don't call me again, yeah?

40
00:02:25,600 --> 00:02:28,560
You have three minutes
until take off

41
00:02:30,720 --> 00:02:33,600
and two and a half minutes
to prepare your main course.

42
00:02:33,600 --> 00:02:35,960
I will see you in
the holding pattern.

43
00:02:35,960 --> 00:02:40,120
Good luck and God bless America!

44
00:02:40,120 --> 00:02:41,320
Clickety-click.

45
00:03:05,520 --> 00:03:06,880
Halleluiah!

46
00:03:06,880 --> 00:03:09,000
Praise the Lord, the boy can see!

47
00:03:13,040 --> 00:03:15,000
'Chop, chop, chop!'

48
00:03:15,000 --> 00:03:17,800
Just look at the size
of that carrot! Ha-ha!

49
00:03:17,800 --> 00:03:20,200
Put a little whisky in that,
will you, Rodriguez?

50
00:03:20,200 --> 00:03:23,760
Oh, boy! I think
I'm one of them lizard people.

51
00:03:40,520 --> 00:03:43,520
Harold Faltermeyer
disguised as an octopus,

52
00:03:43,520 --> 00:03:48,240
blowing a whistle reminding you
you're fresh out of goddamn paprika.

53
00:04:08,160 --> 00:04:11,440
Mmm...Rodriguez, put a shot of
bourbon in that, will you?

54
00:04:28,080 --> 00:04:30,880
Gentlemen, you have 15 seconds
to board your vessel.

55
00:04:45,160 --> 00:04:45,960
Ello, ello, ello...

56
00:04:47,480 --> 00:04:49,200
Perfect job, patriots!

57
00:05:04,240 --> 00:05:06,080
Woo...doggy! Ha-ha!

58
00:05:22,800 --> 00:05:24,120
I'm the moon!

59
00:05:24,120 --> 00:05:26,000
I'm not in this show.

60
00:05:30,560 --> 00:05:33,880
No, class. I do not
cycle home like Miss Kite

61
00:05:33,880 --> 00:05:36,440
and I haven't got
a snazzy car like Mr Ebdon

62
00:05:36,440 --> 00:05:39,560
and I will not go on the bus
with you horrible little lot.

63
00:05:39,560 --> 00:05:43,920
I ride the pommel horse home
like every PE teacher should.

64
00:05:45,600 --> 00:05:49,920
That's a little joke
for the tiny ones.

65
00:05:49,920 --> 00:05:52,840
You see, I can be a character
like Mr Clasby,

66
00:05:52,840 --> 00:05:55,160
I just need a chance to shine!

67
00:05:58,360 --> 00:06:00,280
# Oh baby I like it raw

68
00:06:00,280 --> 00:06:01,800
# Oh baby I like it... #

69
00:06:01,800 --> 00:06:03,360
All right, Peter.

70
00:06:03,360 --> 00:06:06,320
Eh, Noel, who's the best
film star who ever lived?

71
00:06:06,320 --> 00:06:07,760
Kurt Russell. Yeah.

72
00:06:07,760 --> 00:06:09,320
What's the best film that's
ever been made?

73
00:06:09,320 --> 00:06:10,800
Big Trouble In Little China.

74
00:06:10,800 --> 00:06:12,640
I told you, Nathan, you idiot!

75
00:06:12,640 --> 00:06:14,240
I gotta go, Noel, I'm in the pub.

76
00:06:14,240 --> 00:06:16,160
Yeah, great.

77
00:06:19,800 --> 00:06:22,640
I'm Sergeant Raymond Boombox.

78
00:06:22,640 --> 00:06:24,040
As you may or may not know,

79
00:06:24,040 --> 00:06:27,440
in 1975 I received a knife wound
in the line of duty.

80
00:06:27,440 --> 00:06:29,440
A knife wound that
started talking to me

81
00:06:29,440 --> 00:06:31,960
and occasionally
helped me solve cases.

82
00:06:31,960 --> 00:06:33,920
Helped you on some of your cases(!)

83
00:06:33,920 --> 00:06:36,520
I solved most of them
you fat son of a bitch!

84
00:06:36,520 --> 00:06:38,480
Shut up, you freak.

85
00:06:38,480 --> 00:06:41,120
I'm trying to put you in
some kind of goddamn context.

86
00:06:41,120 --> 00:06:43,720
Anyway, one of the most
exciting cases we worked on

87
00:06:43,720 --> 00:06:45,880
was when we were in Miami undercover.

88
00:06:45,880 --> 00:06:47,040
Hooper,
what was the name of that case?

89
00:06:47,040 --> 00:06:49,720
What, the one where you
wore the pink salmon shorts?

90
00:06:49,720 --> 00:06:51,960
You looked ridiculous, you're big,
fat pumpkin ass sticking out.

91
00:06:51,960 --> 00:06:54,840
You picked those out for me,
what were you wearing anyway,

92
00:06:54,840 --> 00:06:55,400
your wife's skirt?

93
00:06:55,400 --> 00:06:57,920
It was a sarong, actually,
and it was your wife's.

94
00:06:57,920 --> 00:07:00,960
You do not have access
to my wife's sarong collection -

95
00:07:00,960 --> 00:07:02,200
you mind your mouth!

96
00:07:02,200 --> 00:07:05,480
Of course he did,
he was banging her.

97
00:07:05,480 --> 00:07:06,840
Everyone knows that.

98
00:07:06,840 --> 00:07:07,960
He was not banging her,

99
00:07:07,960 --> 00:07:11,600
they just happened to be at the
same night school doing the same
dance classes.

100
00:07:11,600 --> 00:07:13,760
Yeah, we were doing modern tap
and er...urban hip-hop.

101
00:07:13,760 --> 00:07:15,760
Precisely, thank you, Hooper.

102
00:07:15,760 --> 00:07:17,040
You be quiet.

103
00:07:17,040 --> 00:07:20,480
Anyway, we were down in Miami and
I looked like one piece of hot ass.

104
00:07:22,920 --> 00:07:27,120
'We'd offloaded some drugs
to a known local dealer
called Figo the fruit fly.

105
00:07:27,120 --> 00:07:29,760
'Named so cos everything
he landed on turned rotten.

106
00:07:29,760 --> 00:07:32,040
'All we had to do was get
a payment off this guy

107
00:07:32,040 --> 00:07:34,240
'and we could bust his thorax.'

108
00:07:34,240 --> 00:07:37,120
Working with these scumbags
was absolutely terrifying.

109
00:07:37,120 --> 00:07:39,120
If they even sniffed you out
as a cop,

110
00:07:39,120 --> 00:07:40,640
not only would they kill you

111
00:07:40,640 --> 00:07:42,920
but they could make things
very awkward for you.

112
00:07:42,920 --> 00:07:45,160
It didn't bother me,
I was a frightening mimic,

113
00:07:45,160 --> 00:07:46,440
an unbelievable actor,

114
00:07:46,440 --> 00:07:50,200
like a slightly hairier Kirk Douglas
without the deformed chin.

115
00:07:50,200 --> 00:07:53,360
I could slot in with these guys
as soon as look at them...

116
00:07:53,360 --> 00:07:54,800
speak the lingo...

117
00:07:54,800 --> 00:07:56,200
I was one of them.

118
00:07:56,200 --> 00:07:59,480
Yo...I gave you the money,
what's say you give me the drugs,

119
00:07:59,480 --> 00:08:02,200
we'll go out, get a couple of chicks
and a couple of beers.

120
00:08:06,400 --> 00:08:09,600
DOOOOOYOUTAKECAAAARDS?

121
00:08:09,600 --> 00:08:10,760
What?!

122
00:08:10,760 --> 00:08:13,800
DOOO YOU TAKE CAAARDS?

123
00:08:13,800 --> 00:08:17,040
Er, that's not better,
try it slower or faster.

124
00:08:17,040 --> 00:08:19,680
DOOO YOU TAKE CAAARDS?

125
00:08:19,680 --> 00:08:23,320
Jesus Christ, that's not helping
anything, put your eyes away.

126
00:08:23,320 --> 00:08:25,520
What are you saying to me?!

127
00:08:25,520 --> 00:08:26,640
DOOOOOOOOOOOO

128
00:08:26,640 --> 00:08:28,200
YOUUUUUUUUUUU

129
00:08:28,200 --> 00:08:29,960
TAAAAAAAAAAKE

130
00:08:29,960 --> 00:08:31,920
CAAAAAAAAARDS?

131
00:08:31,920 --> 00:08:34,960
He's saying, "Do you take a card?"

132
00:08:34,960 --> 00:08:36,200
Do I take cards?

133
00:08:36,200 --> 00:08:37,880
Of course I don't take cards!

134
00:08:37,880 --> 00:08:39,640
What do I look like, a cash machine?

135
00:08:39,640 --> 00:08:41,480
I do.

136
00:08:41,480 --> 00:08:43,000
Sir, put your card in my mouth

137
00:08:43,000 --> 00:08:46,240
and I'll be happy to
handle your transaction.

138
00:08:48,560 --> 00:08:50,480
What the hell are you doing?

139
00:08:50,480 --> 00:08:51,720
Shut up!

140
00:08:51,720 --> 00:08:54,000
Would you like a receipt
with that, sir?

141
00:08:54,000 --> 00:08:57,440
YEEEES, PLEEEEASE.

142
00:08:57,440 --> 00:08:59,360
So the goddamn gash ate Figo's card.

143
00:08:59,360 --> 00:09:02,920
Needless to say, he was not a happy
bunny. He produced a Norman sword

144
00:09:02,920 --> 00:09:05,440
and slashed me across the belly pouch

145
00:09:05,440 --> 00:09:08,280
with the speed and agility
of a NASA cyborg.

146
00:09:09,680 --> 00:09:12,280
Oh! Oh, my God!

147
00:09:12,280 --> 00:09:15,080
What's wrong with you?
What are you, a re-enactment?!

148
00:09:15,080 --> 00:09:17,920
Because of the gash,
the whole drug bust went tits-up.

149
00:09:17,920 --> 00:09:19,920
And things went from bad to worse.

150
00:09:19,920 --> 00:09:22,880
Oh...oh...oh.

151
00:09:22,880 --> 00:09:24,240
Oh, my God!

152
00:09:24,240 --> 00:09:26,760
Somebody call an ambulance,
this guy's in trouble.

153
00:09:26,760 --> 00:09:28,520
Oh, really?

154
00:09:28,520 --> 00:09:29,680
What do you know, are you a doctor?

155
00:09:29,680 --> 00:09:31,840
No, I am not a doctor,
thank you very much,

156
00:09:31,840 --> 00:09:34,200
but my brother-in-law
happens to be one

157
00:09:34,200 --> 00:09:36,720
so I've been around
a lot of accidents, OK?

158
00:09:36,720 --> 00:09:38,440
Oh, as if you're married,

159
00:09:38,440 --> 00:09:41,320
you just appeared there
on a fat guy's gut!

160
00:09:41,320 --> 00:09:43,920
Could you not insult me
while insulting someone else?

161
00:09:43,920 --> 00:09:47,160
If you hadn't eaten the card
we wouldn't be in this mess.

162
00:09:47,160 --> 00:09:50,240
It was so good,
it was Lloyds flavour.

163
00:09:50,240 --> 00:09:54,200
Oh, my God, it was so not
Lloyds flavour, it was Bar-clays.

164
00:09:54,200 --> 00:09:57,880
It's Barclays, not Bar-clays,
you goddamn schmuck!

165
00:09:57,880 --> 00:09:59,360
Oh...Bar-clays, Barclays...bite me.

166
00:09:59,360 --> 00:10:00,920
Oh, for God's sake.

167
00:10:00,920 --> 00:10:03,400
Somebody call me an ambulance.

168
00:10:03,400 --> 00:10:04,840
Use your phone!

169
00:10:04,840 --> 00:10:07,400
I can't, I got no battery.

170
00:10:07,400 --> 00:10:08,840
Well, use your phone then.

171
00:10:08,840 --> 00:10:10,880
I can't help you, I got no signal.

172
00:10:10,880 --> 00:10:14,080
Fine, I'll call
my own goddamn ambulance.

173
00:10:16,160 --> 00:10:19,080
SIREN WAILS

174
00:10:19,080 --> 00:10:20,680
I can hear the ambulance,

175
00:10:20,680 --> 00:10:22,040
we're gonna be fine.

176
00:10:23,360 --> 00:10:25,560
Oh, great, very funny.

177
00:10:25,560 --> 00:10:27,120
Sorry, sarge,

178
00:10:27,120 --> 00:10:31,400
I got a gift for mimicking
different types of emergency siren.

179
00:10:31,400 --> 00:10:32,960
Well, good luck on New Faces.

180
00:10:32,960 --> 00:10:35,560
I'm bleeding to death here,
if you haven't noticed!

181
00:10:35,560 --> 00:10:38,920
OK, does anyone want to hear
my impersonation of Michael Caine?

182
00:10:38,920 --> 00:10:43,440
No, we do not want to hear your
impersonation of Michael Caine!
Shut up!

183
00:10:44,760 --> 00:10:47,560
"You're a big man,
but you're out of shape."

184
00:10:47,560 --> 00:10:49,720
And so Figo got away with the drugs.

185
00:10:49,720 --> 00:10:52,960
I had to crawl on my goddamn
hands and knees to the hospital

186
00:10:52,960 --> 00:10:54,320
but they fixed me up good

187
00:10:54,320 --> 00:10:57,040
and we decided to stay on in Miami
for a week's holiday.

188
00:10:57,040 --> 00:10:59,720
Me and the gash
got loaded on cocktails,

189
00:10:59,720 --> 00:11:03,320
and poor Hooper was mistaken in
his sarong for a lady of the night.

190
00:11:03,320 --> 00:11:07,160
Oh, how we laughed when he was almost
gang banged by 15 sailors.

191
00:11:07,160 --> 00:11:10,440
I laughed so hard
I burst open my tummy stitches

192
00:11:10,440 --> 00:11:13,200
and my tummy gash
regaled the whole party

193
00:11:13,200 --> 00:11:16,960
with his impersonations of
Michael Caine and Harry Dean Stanton.

194
00:11:16,960 --> 00:11:18,040
Ha-ha-ha!

195
00:11:18,040 --> 00:11:20,800
A fabulous holiday
and one I'll always remember.

196
00:11:20,800 --> 00:11:24,080
Join me next week, and remember
always keep a knife under your bed,

197
00:11:24,080 --> 00:11:26,960
cos most people are murdered
by the person they love most.

198
00:11:26,960 --> 00:11:29,560
And I look at a lot of corpses
and most of those corpses

199
00:11:29,560 --> 00:11:32,640
have been violated and raped
before being murdered, so...

200
00:11:32,640 --> 00:11:35,120
at least a screw driver,
I mean, it's your choice.

201
00:11:35,120 --> 00:11:37,760
Bwye-bwye, everyone.

202
00:11:39,040 --> 00:11:41,160
Good night.

203
00:11:48,095 --> 00:11:51,815
All bleeding coming together, innit?
Ha! All bleeding coming together.

204
00:11:51,815 --> 00:11:55,575
Ah, it's all bleeding coming
together. What a place!

205
00:11:55,575 --> 00:11:58,455
You couldn't get bored, could you?
Could you get bored?

206
00:11:58,455 --> 00:12:03,135
You could go round this. Ha-ha!
You could go round a pointed rock.

207
00:12:03,135 --> 00:12:06,375
Look at this, I've got a tyre
on a rope. Ha-ha!

208
00:12:06,375 --> 00:12:08,295
Tyre on a bleeding rope!

209
00:12:08,295 --> 00:12:09,735
Who came up with that?

210
00:12:09,735 --> 00:12:11,375
Who could come up with that?

211
00:12:11,375 --> 00:12:14,935
Higher, lower, higher, lower.
I'm in a zoo.

212
00:12:14,935 --> 00:12:17,575
All coming together.
Great food. Top-flight food,

213
00:12:17,575 --> 00:12:20,135
gotta be a gourmet chef, hasn't it?

214
00:12:20,135 --> 00:12:23,295
Gotta be a gourmet chef!
Who do you reckon? Ramsay?

215
00:12:23,295 --> 00:12:26,375
Or Worrall Thompson
Gotta be, innit?

216
00:12:26,375 --> 00:12:29,855
Hmm! Hmm! Nice food. Not that
hungry, might have that later.

217
00:12:31,655 --> 00:12:34,855
David Lee Roth, king of the lions,
you all right, David?

218
00:12:34,855 --> 00:12:37,215
We'll have that later.
Yeah. There he is.

219
00:12:37,215 --> 00:12:40,575
Had a little operation when I got
here, they took my penis away,

220
00:12:40,575 --> 00:12:44,215
removed my penis. Probably having
a look at it, aren't they? Ha-ha.

221
00:12:44,215 --> 00:12:46,095
Probably having a look at my penis.

222
00:12:46,095 --> 00:12:48,015
Got to get it back, haven't I?

223
00:12:48,015 --> 00:12:51,135
They're bound to give it back to me.
Probably Thursday,

224
00:12:51,135 --> 00:12:54,655
they're probably doing a diagram or
something of it for a zoology book.

225
00:12:54,655 --> 00:12:56,655
John! Any news on my penis?

226
00:13:03,095 --> 00:13:04,575
What a card!

227
00:13:04,575 --> 00:13:08,655
He always does that. Ha-ha! I love
it, English sense of humour.

228
00:13:08,655 --> 00:13:11,935
I mean, I've read about it
and I've heard about it

229
00:13:11,935 --> 00:13:15,935
but I've never actually seen it
with my own lion peepers. Ha-ha!

230
00:13:15,935 --> 00:13:17,495
Peepers!

231
00:13:17,495 --> 00:13:20,535
I called my eyes "peepers". Ha-ha.

232
00:13:20,535 --> 00:13:24,095
That's cos I'm happy,
I'm happy with my environment(!)

233
00:13:24,095 --> 00:13:27,375
I love it here! All bleeding
coming together, I'm in a zoo.

234
00:13:27,375 --> 00:13:30,135
All bleeding coming together.

235
00:13:30,135 --> 00:13:35,655
All bleeding coming together,
higher, lower, higher, lower. Ha-ha!

236
00:13:35,655 --> 00:13:38,895
LET ME OUT! LET ME OUT!

237
00:13:38,895 --> 00:13:42,215
It is all bleeding coming together?
Please say it's coming together.

238
00:13:42,215 --> 00:13:45,175
I can't handle it in here,
I'm going crazy.

239
00:13:45,175 --> 00:13:48,015
Help me, don't just film me, help me!

240
00:13:48,015 --> 00:13:51,215
Sit down, sit down,
we'll have some Hula Hoops, David.

241
00:13:51,215 --> 00:13:54,815
You're not chewing them properly,
David, what's wrong with you?

242
00:13:54,815 --> 00:13:56,775
They're just going on the floor!

243
00:13:57,855 --> 00:14:00,655
I love you, David,
you're king of the lions.

244
00:14:00,655 --> 00:14:03,735
I'm moving stuff about in here, John.

245
00:14:04,735 --> 00:14:07,095
I'm having a brain snap.

246
00:14:08,375 --> 00:14:11,455
Oooh, I'm treading on my lunch.

247
00:14:11,455 --> 00:14:13,055
It's gone everywhere.

248
00:14:16,455 --> 00:14:19,415
I asked for Quavers!

249
00:14:22,455 --> 00:14:23,655
In you go.

250
00:14:25,935 --> 00:14:27,495
You putting that in a frame?

251
00:14:27,495 --> 00:14:28,735
Yeah, course I'm putting

252
00:14:28,735 --> 00:14:31,655
it in a frame, it's a masterpiece.
What would you do with it?

253
00:14:31,655 --> 00:14:35,575
I'd probably just blue tack it to
the fridge door. What is it, anyway?

254
00:14:35,575 --> 00:14:37,855
What do you mean, what is it?
It's Pele,

255
00:14:37,855 --> 00:14:39,815
but he's holding a china teacup.

256
00:14:39,815 --> 00:14:42,935
Oh, yeah, actually,
it has got something.

257
00:14:42,935 --> 00:14:45,935
You see? It's enigmatic,
like the Mona Lisa, you know,

258
00:14:45,935 --> 00:14:49,375
it's the eternal question.
Is she a woman? Is she a man?

259
00:14:49,375 --> 00:14:54,215
Is she smiling, isn't she smiling?
This throws up similar sorts of
questions.

260
00:14:54,215 --> 00:14:55,655
What questions?

261
00:14:55,655 --> 00:14:59,575
Well, it's Pele. He's holding
a china cup, that much is clear.

262
00:14:59,575 --> 00:15:01,135
But when you come down his leg,

263
00:15:01,135 --> 00:15:04,855
to the little tippy-toe of his boot,
and you see this, what is that?

264
00:15:04,855 --> 00:15:06,175
The ball?

265
00:15:06,175 --> 00:15:08,575
But is it the ball,

266
00:15:08,575 --> 00:15:12,575
or is it the saucer for the cup?

267
00:15:14,015 --> 00:15:15,855
Oh, yeah! This changes everything!

268
00:15:15,855 --> 00:15:18,095
I've got to phone Trisha!

269
00:15:23,175 --> 00:15:27,375
In the event of losing a loved one
some people would turn to therapy

270
00:15:27,375 --> 00:15:32,655
to help them through hard times.
Other people might turn to religion.

271
00:15:32,655 --> 00:15:36,655
Weaker people like myself,
when I lost my wife,

272
00:15:36,655 --> 00:15:41,015
turned to swingball. You see,
we used to play tennis together

273
00:15:41,015 --> 00:15:46,455
and I tried to recreate those
hours by wearing my wife's dress

274
00:15:46,455 --> 00:15:49,535
and playing myself in the garden.

275
00:15:49,535 --> 00:15:51,215
It wasn't really the same.

276
00:16:55,095 --> 00:16:58,655
Here comes Roy Circles,
he's got chocolate ankles.

277
00:17:00,735 --> 00:17:06,495
Oh, last Thursday, I woke up on my
own and there was blood in my pants.

278
00:17:09,215 --> 00:17:13,335
I mean, I look at it and I think,
I don't really like your drawings,

279
00:17:13,335 --> 00:17:15,215
but this one has something,

280
00:17:15,215 --> 00:17:18,855
and I wonder why keep coming back to
it, why I'm so drawn to it?

281
00:17:18,855 --> 00:17:24,015
It's Pele, holding a china cup.
I like it, it's clear, it's direct.

282
00:17:24,015 --> 00:17:28,215
But then my eye travels down
past his midriff to his boots,

283
00:17:28,215 --> 00:17:31,495
I notice the ball
and it hits me like a thunderbolt!

284
00:17:31,495 --> 00:17:33,975
Is it a ball
or is it the saucer for the cup?

285
00:17:35,575 --> 00:17:37,855
Ha-ha, exactly!

286
00:17:37,855 --> 00:17:40,575
I didn't know you were so deep
and complicated, Noel.

287
00:17:40,575 --> 00:17:45,215
I'm usually not,
but when I do felt-tip drawings,
I get pretty deep, yeah?

288
00:17:45,215 --> 00:17:48,495
How much do you think a drawing like
this is worth on today's market?

289
00:17:48,495 --> 00:17:50,855
I'm getting it valued later
by Daran Cache.

290
00:17:50,855 --> 00:17:52,735
Who's Daran Cache?

291
00:17:52,735 --> 00:17:56,215
He invented the colouring pencil?
He's on his way as we speak.

292
00:17:56,215 --> 00:17:57,615
I'm coming!

293
00:17:58,855 --> 00:18:00,015
You are an idiot!

294
00:18:00,015 --> 00:18:01,215
What do you mean?

295
00:18:01,215 --> 00:18:02,655
You live with one of the most

296
00:18:02,655 --> 00:18:05,855
famous artists of the 20th Century,
an icon - Andy Warhol.

297
00:18:05,855 --> 00:18:07,935
Not him, he's an idiot,
he's my cleaner.

298
00:18:07,935 --> 00:18:09,735
I suppose I could ask him.

299
00:18:09,735 --> 00:18:10,975
Andy!

300
00:18:12,375 --> 00:18:13,815
Look at this.

301
00:18:13,815 --> 00:18:16,935
Hmm, a colour diagram, how quaint.

302
00:18:16,935 --> 00:18:19,535
Not a colour diagram, is it?!
It's a masterpiece!

303
00:18:19,535 --> 00:18:21,935
Let me take a closer look.

304
00:18:25,215 --> 00:18:25,855
What are you doing?

305
00:18:25,855 --> 00:18:26,935
Looking.

306
00:18:28,455 --> 00:18:31,575
I see Pele, a footballer,
holding a china cup

307
00:18:31,575 --> 00:18:33,495
which is slightly interesting,

308
00:18:33,495 --> 00:18:36,175
but does not tell me anything
I do not know already.

309
00:18:36,175 --> 00:18:37,215
What do you mean?

310
00:18:37,215 --> 00:18:39,815
You have drawn a footballer
kicking a football.

311
00:18:39,815 --> 00:18:41,575
This is a standard observation.

312
00:18:41,575 --> 00:18:43,655
Yeah, but is it a football?

313
00:18:43,655 --> 00:18:44,575
What so you mean?

314
00:18:44,575 --> 00:18:48,175
Or is it the saucer for the cup?

315
00:18:53,135 --> 00:18:56,775
Oh, my God,
you've blown Andy's mind!

316
00:18:59,135 --> 00:19:01,855
So, Andy, what
do you think it's worth?

317
00:19:01,855 --> 00:19:06,855
Saucer, cup, saucer, cup,
saucer, cup.

318
00:19:06,855 --> 00:19:10,735
# Pele, Pele
Score a goal, Pele. #

319
00:19:10,735 --> 00:19:15,455
Saucer, cup, saucer, cup, saucer...

320
00:19:39,215 --> 00:19:43,015
'Sherlock Holmes. Chapter one.
Moriarty's Revenge.

321
00:19:43,015 --> 00:19:46,175
'The smell of beer wafted through
the narrow cobbled streets,

322
00:19:46,175 --> 00:19:49,855
'the fog thick and clinging
to the passing stage coaches.

323
00:19:49,855 --> 00:19:52,495
'Dr Watson checked
his new pocket watch

324
00:19:52,495 --> 00:19:54,815
'and shuffled through
a concrete archway.'

325
00:19:57,135 --> 00:19:58,735
Hmmm!

326
00:20:01,735 --> 00:20:03,855
Well, Noel, to be honest, it is

327
00:20:03,855 --> 00:20:08,095
impossible to put a figure on a
drawing like that, it is priceless.

328
00:20:08,095 --> 00:20:09,615
Ashtray!

329
00:20:11,215 --> 00:20:14,375
Wow, so you think you might be
inserted in buying it, then?

330
00:20:14,375 --> 00:20:18,495
No, but if you want any free
colouring pencils, give me a call.

331
00:20:18,495 --> 00:20:20,855
It's a bit racy, isn't it?

332
00:20:20,855 --> 00:20:25,135
Yes. It is my aim to make
colouring pencils sexy again.

333
00:20:25,135 --> 00:20:26,375
Again?

334
00:20:26,375 --> 00:20:28,095
Hmm-mm.

335
00:20:40,175 --> 00:20:42,375
Ha-ha! Amazing!

336
00:20:42,375 --> 00:20:44,655
You've got a tank
made from Swiss cheese!

337
00:20:44,655 --> 00:20:46,815
This tank is not
made out of Swiss cheese.

338
00:20:46,815 --> 00:20:48,695
It's made out of ordinary cheese.

339
00:20:48,695 --> 00:20:50,015
What are those holes, then?

340
00:20:50,015 --> 00:20:52,855
Those, my friend,
are the injuries of war.

341
00:20:52,855 --> 00:20:58,215
I don't expect a civilian punk
like you to know the difference.

342
00:20:58,215 --> 00:20:59,575
Right then, up ahead,

343
00:20:59,575 --> 00:21:03,495
a pencil drawing of Pele,
done in the naive primitive style.

344
00:21:03,495 --> 00:21:08,215
He's holding a china tea cup,
an obvious slant towards surrealism,

345
00:21:08,215 --> 00:21:11,135
but, as we all know,
you should never take crockery

346
00:21:11,135 --> 00:21:12,575
onto the playing field.

347
00:21:12,575 --> 00:21:14,855
When little Steven Kahle,
the Kenyan boy,

348
00:21:14,855 --> 00:21:18,175
tried to do cross-country
with a teapot in his shorts,

349
00:21:18,175 --> 00:21:21,855
Darren Cooper tripped him up
and his winkle came loose.

350
00:21:21,855 --> 00:21:26,015
A nightmare, I had to carry that
to hospital in a matchbox.

351
00:21:26,015 --> 00:21:28,295
I'll never get over those images.

352
00:21:29,735 --> 00:21:32,455
All in all, though,
not a bad little drawing.

353
00:21:32,455 --> 00:21:37,295
Wait a second, if I'm not mistaken,
the body has been done in freehand

354
00:21:37,295 --> 00:21:38,855
but the head has been traced.

355
00:21:38,855 --> 00:21:42,215
The head has not been traced,
thank you very much.

356
00:21:42,215 --> 00:21:45,495
Tracing? Tracing?

357
00:21:45,495 --> 00:21:49,455
As we all know, Mrs Kite,
the head of the art department,

358
00:21:49,455 --> 00:21:52,135
does not see tracing
as real drawing.

359
00:21:52,135 --> 00:21:55,095
Therefore this Caran D'Ache
abomination must be taken

360
00:21:55,095 --> 00:21:57,495
as the enemy.

361
00:21:57,495 --> 00:21:59,855
Right, then, one, two, there, four,

362
00:21:59,855 --> 00:22:03,135
these are numbers, ignore those,

363
00:22:03,135 --> 00:22:04,295
and fire!

364
00:22:05,735 --> 00:22:07,375
Ah! Pele!

365
00:22:07,375 --> 00:22:11,215
Violence, just like on
the battlefield when I was young.

366
00:22:11,215 --> 00:22:13,215
Erections everywhere.

367
00:22:13,215 --> 00:22:14,935
Pele!

368
00:22:17,815 --> 00:22:19,855
Pele, come back, please!

369
00:22:19,855 --> 00:22:23,615
Pele, you don't understand, I've had
enough an offer from Daran Cache.

370
00:22:23,615 --> 00:22:26,655
Well, not an offer, but he gave me
his business car, pretty racy.

371
00:22:26,655 --> 00:22:29,935
Pele, please! Pele, don't leave me!

372
00:22:29,935 --> 00:22:31,175
He's good at running, isn't he?

373
00:22:31,175 --> 00:22:34,495
Yeah, he's great at running,
he's gone now, for ever.

374
00:22:34,495 --> 00:22:37,175
That was my masterpiece.
Hang on a minute.

375
00:22:37,175 --> 00:22:39,495
There he is down there in the jungle.
Look!

376
00:22:39,495 --> 00:22:41,175
Ha-ha!

377
00:22:43,095 --> 00:22:46,375
Look at him weaving in and out
of the bracken, he's so balletic,

378
00:22:46,375 --> 00:22:48,495
he hasn't spilt a drop of that tea.

379
00:22:48,495 --> 00:22:51,015
Look, he's gone right down
to the corner flag.

380
00:22:51,015 --> 00:22:52,575
Pele, cross it, Pele!

381
00:22:57,455 --> 00:22:59,455
Oh, it was the saucer!

382
00:23:00,575 --> 00:23:02,775
Or was it?

383
00:23:08,855 --> 00:23:12,655
# Got to go now
It's the end of the show

384
00:23:12,655 --> 00:23:17,135
# Bye-bye, now
It's the end of the show

385
00:23:17,135 --> 00:23:19,495
# Come back
next for another show

386
00:23:19,495 --> 00:23:21,815
# You gotta come back
For another show bye-bye

387
00:23:21,815 --> 00:23:22,815
# Baby, bye-bye

388
00:23:24,295 --> 00:23:25,295
# Baby, bye-bye

389
00:23:26,375 --> 00:23:30,335
# Baby, bye-bye
Baby, bye-bye, whoa! #

390
00:23:30,345 --> 00:23:35,345
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