# People in the night with people up above
# Oooh, yeah
# Luxury comedy, ooh yeah
# In the bag. #
It's like a glass hedgehog and he comes out...
This came for you.
Really? What is it?
Not sure.
Great - new cereal!
Mmm.
# Oh baby I like it raw...
# Yeah baby... #
All right, Noel, did you get my package?
Yeah, just eating them. Pretty good, actually.
Yeah, they're called Secret Pieces and they're good, ain't they?
(LAUGHS) Remarkable! What are they made from?
That's my own shit.
(COUGHS) Oh, Peter!
I mean, that's my multi-coloured rabbit droppings.
Like, I go into a chamber and I eat loads of vitamins
and pieces of rainbow.
I make rainbow kebabs and they spin round
and I slice bits of rainbow off, put it in pitta bread
and then I munch it down till I'm big and fat and ready and then
I just pump them out from my blue shorts straight into the packets.
I can do about seven packets a week.
Actually...
..they're very moreish.
That'll be the nicotine.
When I first made them they looked like hundreds and thousands
but more swollen so I called them tens and twenties...(SNIGGERS)
..and I was going to use them as cake decoration
so I phoned up Mr Kipperbang, you know the cake doctor,
and he said, "Go fuck yourself."
But, you know, I think they go better with milk anyway.
So are they in the shops, then?
No, but they're outside the shops, by the bush.
Yeah, all right. See you later, Peter.
Yeah, nice one. Don't call me again, yeah?
You have three minutes until take off
and two and a half minutes to prepare your main course.
I will see you in the holding pattern.
Good luck and God bless America!
Clickety-click.
Halleluiah!
Praise the Lord, the boy can see!
'Chop, chop, chop!'
Just look at the size of that carrot! Ha-ha!
Put a little whisky in that, will you, Rodriguez?
Oh, boy! I think I'm one of them lizard people.
Harold Faltermeyer disguised as an octopus,
blowing a whistle reminding you you're fresh out of goddamn paprika.
Mmm...Rodriguez, put a shot of bourbon in that, will you?
Gentlemen, you have 15 seconds to board your vessel.
Ello, ello, ello...
Perfect job, patriots!
Woo...doggy! Ha-ha!
I'm the moon!
I'm not in this show.
No, class. I do not cycle home like Miss Kite
and I haven't got a snazzy car like Mr Ebdon
and I will not go on the bus with you horrible little lot.
I ride the pommel horse home like every PE teacher should.
That's a little joke for the tiny ones.
You see, I can be a character like Mr Clasby,
I just need a chance to shine!
# Oh baby I like it raw
# Oh baby I like it... #
All right, Peter.
Eh, Noel, who's the best film star who ever lived?
Kurt Russell. Yeah.
What's the best film that's ever been made?
Big Trouble In Little China.
I told you, Nathan, you idiot!
I gotta go, Noel, I'm in the pub.
Yeah, great.
I'm Sergeant Raymond Boombox.
As you may or may not know,
in 1975 I received a knife wound in the line of duty.
A knife wound that started talking to me
and occasionally helped me solve cases.
Helped you on some of your cases(!)
I solved most of them you fat son of a bitch!
Shut up, you freak.
I'm trying to put you in some kind of goddamn context.
Anyway, one of the most exciting cases we worked on
was when we were in Miami undercover.
Hooper, what was the name of that case?
What, the one where you wore the pink salmon shorts?
You looked ridiculous, you're big, fat pumpkin ass sticking out.
You picked those out for me, what were you wearing anyway,
your wife's skirt?
It was a sarong, actually, and it was your wife's.
You do not have access to my wife's sarong collection -
you mind your mouth!
Of course he did, he was banging her.
Everyone knows that.
He was not banging her,
they just happened to be at the same night school doing the same dance classes.
Yeah, we were doing modern tap and er...urban hip-hop.
Precisely, thank you, Hooper.
You be quiet.
Anyway, we were down in Miami and I looked like one piece of hot ass.
'We'd offloaded some drugs to a known local dealer called Figo the fruit fly.
'Named so cos everything he landed on turned rotten.
'All we had to do was get a payment off this guy
'and we could bust his thorax.'
Working with these scumbags was absolutely terrifying.
If they even sniffed you out as a cop,
not only would they kill you
but they could make things very awkward for you.
It didn't bother me, I was a frightening mimic,
an unbelievable actor,
like a slightly hairier Kirk Douglas without the deformed chin.
I could slot in with these guys as soon as look at them...
speak the lingo...
I was one of them.
Yo...I gave you the money, what's say you give me the drugs,
we'll go out, get a couple of chicks and a couple of beers.
DOOOOOYOUTAKECAAAARDS?
What?!
DOOO YOU TAKE CAAARDS?
Er, that's not better, try it slower or faster.
DOOO YOU TAKE CAAARDS?
Jesus Christ, that's not helping anything, put your eyes away.
What are you saying to me?!
DOOOOOOOOOOOO
YOUUUUUUUUUUU
TAAAAAAAAAAKE
CAAAAAAAAARDS?
He's saying, "Do you take a card?"
Do I take cards?
Of course I don't take cards!
What do I look like, a cash machine?
I do.
Sir, put your card in my mouth
and I'll be happy to handle your transaction.
What the hell are you doing?
Shut up!
Would you like a receipt with that, sir?
YEEEES, PLEEEEASE.
So the goddamn gash ate Figo's card.
Needless to say, he was not a happy bunny. He produced a Norman sword
and slashed me across the belly pouch
with the speed and agility of a NASA cyborg.
Oh! Oh, my God!
What's wrong with you? What are you, a re-enactment?!
Because of the gash, the whole drug bust went tits-up.
And things went from bad to worse.
Oh...oh...oh.
Oh, my God!
Somebody call an ambulance, this guy's in trouble.
Oh, really?
What do you know, are you a doctor?
No, I am not a doctor, thank you very much,
but my brother-in-law happens to be one
so I've been around a lot of accidents, OK?
Oh, as if you're married,
you just appeared there on a fat guy's gut!
Could you not insult me while insulting someone else?
If you hadn't eaten the card we wouldn't be in this mess.
It was so good, it was Lloyds flavour.
Oh, my God, it was so not Lloyds flavour, it was Bar-clays.
It's Barclays, not Bar-clays, you goddamn schmuck!
Oh...Bar-clays, Barclays...bite me.
Oh, for God's sake.
Somebody call me an ambulance.
Use your phone!
I can't, I got no battery.
Well, use your phone then.
I can't help you, I got no signal.
Fine, I'll call my own goddamn ambulance.
SIREN WAILS
I can hear the ambulance,
we're gonna be fine.
Oh, great, very funny.
Sorry, sarge,
I got a gift for mimicking different types of emergency siren.
Well, good luck on New Faces.
I'm bleeding to death here, if you haven't noticed!
OK, does anyone want to hear my impersonation of Michael Caine?
No, we do not want to hear your impersonation of Michael Caine! Shut up!
"You're a big man, but you're out of shape."
And so Figo got away with the drugs.
I had to crawl on my goddamn hands and knees to the hospital
but they fixed me up good
and we decided to stay on in Miami for a week's holiday.
Me and the gash got loaded on cocktails,
and poor Hooper was mistaken in his sarong for a lady of the night.
Oh, how we laughed when he was almost gang banged by 15 sailors.
I laughed so hard I burst open my tummy stitches
and my tummy gash regaled the whole party
with his impersonations of Michael Caine and Harry Dean Stanton.
Ha-ha-ha!
A fabulous holiday and one I'll always remember.
Join me next week, and remember always keep a knife under your bed,
cos most people are murdered by the person they love most.
And I look at a lot of corpses and most of those corpses
have been violated and raped before being murdered, so...
at least a screw driver, I mean, it's your choice.
Bwye-bwye, everyone.
Good night.
All bleeding coming together, innit? Ha! All bleeding coming together.
Ah, it's all bleeding coming together. What a place!
You couldn't get bored, could you? Could you get bored?
You could go round this. Ha-ha! You could go round a pointed rock.
Look at this, I've got a tyre on a rope. Ha-ha!
Tyre on a bleeding rope!
Who came up with that?
Who could come up with that?
Higher, lower, higher, lower. I'm in a zoo.
All coming together. Great food. Top-flight food,
gotta be a gourmet chef, hasn't it?
Gotta be a gourmet chef! Who do you reckon? Ramsay?
Or Worrall Thompson Gotta be, innit?
Hmm! Hmm! Nice food. Not that hungry, might have that later.
David Lee Roth, king of the lions, you all right, David?
We'll have that later. Yeah. There he is.
Had a little operation when I got here, they took my penis away,
removed my penis. Probably having a look at it, aren't they? Ha-ha.
Probably having a look at my penis.
Got to get it back, haven't I?
They're bound to give it back to me. Probably Thursday,
they're probably doing a diagram or something of it for a zoology book.
John! Any news on my penis?
What a card!
He always does that. Ha-ha! I love it, English sense of humour.
I mean, I've read about it and I've heard about it
but I've never actually seen it with my own lion peepers. Ha-ha!
Peepers!
I called my eyes "peepers". Ha-ha.
That's cos I'm happy, I'm happy with my environment(!)
I love it here! All bleeding coming together, I'm in a zoo.
All bleeding coming together.
All bleeding coming together, higher, lower, higher, lower. Ha-ha!
LET ME OUT! LET ME OUT!
It is all bleeding coming together? Please say it's coming together.
I can't handle it in here, I'm going crazy.
Help me, don't just film me, help me!
Sit down, sit down, we'll have some Hula Hoops, David.
You're not chewing them properly, David, what's wrong with you?
They're just going on the floor!
I love you, David, you're king of the lions.
I'm moving stuff about in here, John.
I'm having a brain snap.
Oooh, I'm treading on my lunch.
It's gone everywhere.
I asked for Quavers!
In you go.
You putting that in a frame?
Yeah, course I'm putting
it in a frame, it's a masterpiece. What would you do with it?
I'd probably just blue tack it to the fridge door. What is it, anyway?
What do you mean, what is it? It's Pele,
but he's holding a china teacup.
Oh, yeah, actually, it has got something.
You see? It's enigmatic, like the Mona Lisa, you know,
it's the eternal question. Is she a woman? Is she a man?
Is she smiling, isn't she smiling? This throws up similar sorts of questions.
What questions?
Well, it's Pele. He's holding a china cup, that much is clear.
But when you come down his leg,
to the little tippy-toe of his boot, and you see this, what is that?
The ball?
But is it the ball,
or is it the saucer for the cup?
Oh, yeah! This changes everything!
I've got to phone Trisha!
In the event of losing a loved one some people would turn to therapy
to help them through hard times. Other people might turn to religion.
Weaker people like myself, when I lost my wife,
turned to swingball. You see, we used to play tennis together
and I tried to recreate those hours by wearing my wife's dress
and playing myself in the garden.
It wasn't really the same.
Here comes Roy Circles, he's got chocolate ankles.
Oh, last Thursday, I woke up on my own and there was blood in my pants.
I mean, I look at it and I think, I don't really like your drawings,
but this one has something,
and I wonder why keep coming back to it, why I'm so drawn to it?
It's Pele, holding a china cup. I like it, it's clear, it's direct.
But then my eye travels down past his midriff to his boots,
I notice the ball and it hits me like a thunderbolt!
Is it a ball or is it the saucer for the cup?
Ha-ha, exactly!
I didn't know you were so deep and complicated, Noel.
I'm usually not, but when I do felt-tip drawings, I get pretty deep, yeah?
How much do you think a drawing like this is worth on today's market?
I'm getting it valued later by Daran Cache.
Who's Daran Cache?
He invented the colouring pencil? He's on his way as we speak.
I'm coming!
You are an idiot!
What do you mean?
You live with one of the most
famous artists of the 20th Century, an icon - Andy Warhol.
Not him, he's an idiot, he's my cleaner.
I suppose I could ask him.
Andy!
Look at this.
Hmm, a colour diagram, how quaint.
Not a colour diagram, is it?! It's a masterpiece!
Let me take a closer look.
What are you doing?
Looking.
I see Pele, a footballer, holding a china cup
which is slightly interesting,
but does not tell me anything I do not know already.
What do you mean?
You have drawn a footballer kicking a football.
This is a standard observation.
Yeah, but is it a football?
What so you mean?
Or is it the saucer for the cup?
Oh, my God, you've blown Andy's mind!
So, Andy, what do you think it's worth?
Saucer, cup, saucer, cup, saucer, cup.
# Pele, Pele Score a goal, Pele. #
Saucer, cup, saucer, cup, saucer...
'Sherlock Holmes. Chapter one. Moriarty's Revenge.
'The smell of beer wafted through the narrow cobbled streets,
'the fog thick and clinging to the passing stage coaches.
'Dr Watson checked his new pocket watch
'and shuffled through a concrete archway.'
Hmmm!
Well, Noel, to be honest, it is
impossible to put a figure on a drawing like that, it is priceless.
Ashtray!
Wow, so you think you might be inserted in buying it, then?
No, but if you want any free colouring pencils, give me a call.
It's a bit racy, isn't it?
Yes. It is my aim to make colouring pencils sexy again.
Again?
Hmm-mm.
Ha-ha! Amazing!
You've got a tank made from Swiss cheese!
This tank is not made out of Swiss cheese.
It's made out of ordinary cheese.
What are those holes, then?
Those, my friend, are the injuries of war.
I don't expect a civilian punk like you to know the difference.
Right then, up ahead,
a pencil drawing of Pele, done in the naive primitive style.
He's holding a china tea cup, an obvious slant towards surrealism,
but, as we all know, you should never take crockery
onto the playing field.
When little Steven Kahle, the Kenyan boy,
tried to do cross-country with a teapot in his shorts,
Darren Cooper tripped him up and his winkle came loose.
A nightmare, I had to carry that to hospital in a matchbox.
I'll never get over those images.
All in all, though, not a bad little drawing.
Wait a second, if I'm not mistaken, the body has been done in freehand
but the head has been traced.
The head has not been traced, thank you very much.
Tracing? Tracing?
As we all know, Mrs Kite, the head of the art department,
does not see tracing as real drawing.
Therefore this Caran D'Ache abomination must be taken
as the enemy.
Right, then, one, two, there, four,
these are numbers, ignore those,
and fire!
Ah! Pele!
Violence, just like on the battlefield when I was young.
Erections everywhere.
Pele!
Pele, come back, please!
Pele, you don't understand, I've had enough an offer from Daran Cache.
Well, not an offer, but he gave me his business car, pretty racy.
Pele, please! Pele, don't leave me!
He's good at running, isn't he?
Yeah, he's great at running, he's gone now, for ever.
That was my masterpiece. Hang on a minute.
There he is down there in the jungle. Look!
Ha-ha!
Look at him weaving in and out of the bracken, he's so balletic,
he hasn't spilt a drop of that tea.
Look, he's gone right down to the corner flag.
Pele, cross it, Pele!
Oh, it was the saucer!
Or was it?
# Got to go now It's the end of the show
# Bye-bye, now It's the end of the show
# Come back next for another show
# You gotta come back For another show bye-bye
# Baby, bye-bye
Baby, bye-bye, whoa! #
Перевод этого фильма на Нотабеноиде: http://notabenoid.com/book/25585/85279