1
00:01:29,840 --> 00:01:32,120
It's that mountain -
he's tutting again.

2
00:01:34,920 --> 00:01:36,040
Oh, what's his problem?!

3
00:01:36,040 --> 00:01:38,880
He just sits there,
tutting through the whole show.

4
00:01:38,880 --> 00:01:41,400
Some of the show's not my cup of tea,
I don't tut all the way through it!

5
00:01:41,400 --> 00:01:43,440
What do you mean
it's not your cup of tea?!

6
00:01:43,440 --> 00:01:44,960
You're in it, you fraggle!

7
00:01:44,960 --> 00:01:46,800
You should go
and have it out with him.

8
00:01:46,800 --> 00:01:48,800
I mean, if you don't
like something, yeah,

9
00:01:48,800 --> 00:01:50,200
just get up and leave.

10
00:01:50,200 --> 00:01:52,200
Don't sit there
tutting all the time.

11
00:01:52,200 --> 00:01:54,480
Well, he can't move. He's a mountain.
He's fixed to the ground.

12
00:01:54,480 --> 00:01:56,160
I'm going to have a word with him.

13
00:01:56,160 --> 00:01:56,640
Go on, then.

14
00:01:56,640 --> 00:01:58,680
I'm going to!
I feel a bit weak, though.

15
00:01:58,680 --> 00:02:00,600
I'll go in a bit,
have a cup of tea first.

16
00:02:00,600 --> 00:02:01,880
I mean, my arms feel weird.

17
00:02:01,880 --> 00:02:04,360
One of them feels long
and the other's all loose.

18
00:02:04,360 --> 00:02:07,920
I need a cup of tea, really. Can
you get me tea and some biscuits?

19
00:02:07,920 --> 00:02:09,200
You know the ones I like -

20
00:02:09,200 --> 00:02:12,040
ones with stick figures
playing sports. Can I have them?

21
00:02:12,040 --> 00:02:14,480
Please?
They're little oblong people.

22
00:02:14,480 --> 00:02:16,960
The sports oblong people,
can I have some?

23
00:02:16,960 --> 00:02:17,920
We've run out.

24
00:02:17,920 --> 00:02:20,080
We ran out?!
You went to the shop an hour ago.

25
00:02:20,080 --> 00:02:21,160
You're supposed to be my butler!

26
00:02:21,160 --> 00:02:22,760
I forgot! I had a lot on my mind!

27
00:02:22,760 --> 00:02:24,880
That's the only thing on the list!

28
00:02:38,480 --> 00:02:42,280
Poor Joey Ramone,
loping down the highroad.

29
00:02:43,800 --> 00:02:45,120
Oh, no.

30
00:02:45,120 --> 00:02:48,040
A huge knife has
cut off both your legs, Joey.

31
00:02:48,040 --> 00:02:49,800
What will you do now?

32
00:02:49,800 --> 00:02:52,440
Grow them back
like a wee lizard can its tail?

33
00:02:53,640 --> 00:02:55,800
Perhaps your good friend,
Dee Dee Ramone,

34
00:02:55,800 --> 00:02:58,760
can push you around on a skateboard.

35
00:03:02,400 --> 00:03:05,680
Oh, look, Colin Montgomerie
is using your left leg

36
00:03:05,680 --> 00:03:07,920
as a human putter
to win the Masters.

37
00:03:11,120 --> 00:03:12,400
Who'd have thought it -

38
00:03:12,400 --> 00:03:16,280
your discarded leg achieving more
success than the rest of your body?

39
00:03:16,280 --> 00:03:18,640
But as we both know,
you can't measure success

40
00:03:18,640 --> 00:03:21,880
by the number of golf tournaments
you've won, can you, Joey?

41
00:03:24,280 --> 00:03:26,400
Poor Joey Ramone.

42
00:03:26,400 --> 00:03:28,640
Poor Colin Montgomerie,

43
00:03:28,640 --> 00:03:30,960
naked from the waist up.

44
00:03:30,960 --> 00:03:34,920
Proud, defiant,
and definitely Scottish.

45
00:03:41,360 --> 00:03:45,280
(SIGHS) I've had enough of
that mountain - he's tutting again.

46
00:03:45,280 --> 00:03:46,040
What are you going to do?

47
00:03:46,040 --> 00:03:47,280
I'll teach him a lesson.

48
00:03:47,280 --> 00:03:50,280
I'm going to give him the
"hot teaspoon on the cheek" routine.

49
00:03:50,280 --> 00:03:51,320
Tssch!

50
00:03:51,320 --> 00:03:52,520
Yeah, that'll show him(!)

51
00:03:52,520 --> 00:03:53,600
Yeah, it will show him.

52
00:03:57,640 --> 00:04:00,560
Got a problem, have you, eh?
Tutting at everyone?

53
00:04:00,560 --> 00:04:03,680
Think you're special, Mr Mountain?
Think you're a king, do you?

54
00:04:03,680 --> 00:04:05,360
Yeah? Well, check this out.

55
00:04:06,360 --> 00:04:07,720
(LAUGHS) All right?

56
00:04:10,920 --> 00:04:12,200
What was that?

57
00:04:12,200 --> 00:04:14,040
No, didn't think you'd say anything.

58
00:04:14,040 --> 00:04:15,520
Not so cocky now, are you?

59
00:04:15,520 --> 00:04:18,240
Now you've had the
"hot teaspoon on the cheek" routine.

60
00:04:18,240 --> 00:04:19,280
Prick!

61
00:04:20,360 --> 00:04:21,480
What? Nothing.

62
00:04:21,480 --> 00:04:22,600
Prick.

63
00:04:22,600 --> 00:04:24,640
(LAUGHS) See me go?

64
00:04:24,640 --> 00:04:26,720
He won't tut as us again,
I tell you that.

65
00:04:26,720 --> 00:04:28,680
How'd you get there so quick?
It's miles away.

66
00:04:28,680 --> 00:04:31,200
That's how TV works -
you can cut to anything.

67
00:04:31,200 --> 00:04:32,320
Really? Yeah.

68
00:04:32,320 --> 00:04:35,840
I call it "travelling
by television." Let me show you.

69
00:04:37,840 --> 00:04:40,240
Right. Scene one.

70
00:04:41,280 --> 00:04:45,040
"Smooth asks how
travelling by television works."

71
00:04:45,040 --> 00:04:48,160
I'll leave that there.
That's it, finished. Scene two.

72
00:04:48,160 --> 00:04:53,720
"Smooth sits on a large mushroom,
deciding which frying pan to buy."

73
00:04:55,200 --> 00:04:56,920
This one's slightly bigger,

74
00:04:56,920 --> 00:04:59,920
but the handle on this one
looks like it might last longer.

75
00:05:01,120 --> 00:05:02,600
Scene three.

76
00:05:02,600 --> 00:05:05,720
"Smooth arrives back at the desk
with his new frying pan."

77
00:05:05,720 --> 00:05:08,120
(CHUCKLES)
Which one'd you go for in the end?

78
00:05:08,120 --> 00:05:09,840
The one with the stronger handle.

79
00:05:09,840 --> 00:05:11,480
Nice choice.

80
00:05:15,800 --> 00:05:19,320
Because it's been four years
since my wife died,

81
00:05:19,320 --> 00:05:24,200
a few of my army chums got together
and hired me a prostitute.

82
00:05:25,760 --> 00:05:28,160
I couldn't really manage anything.

83
00:05:28,160 --> 00:05:30,600
All I could muster up was a cuddle.

84
00:05:30,600 --> 00:05:32,320
Towards the end of the session,

85
00:05:32,320 --> 00:05:36,600
I found myself showing her
my wedding photographs.

86
00:05:36,600 --> 00:05:39,240
(SOBS) She looked
very disinterested.

87
00:05:40,800 --> 00:05:43,800
It was that disinterest
that brought me to climax.

88
00:05:43,800 --> 00:05:44,800
Job done.

89
00:05:46,760 --> 00:05:49,080
OK, scene one. "Noel and Dolly
sit at the desk." Yeah?

90
00:05:49,080 --> 00:05:50,120
OK.

91
00:05:50,120 --> 00:05:53,640
Right, scene two can be absolutely
anything you want. Hit me.

92
00:05:53,640 --> 00:05:54,400
Er, me in puffball.

93
00:05:54,400 --> 00:05:55,440
What?

94
00:05:55,440 --> 00:05:56,560
You in a puffball?

95
00:05:56,560 --> 00:05:57,560
Yeah, a puffball skirt.

96
00:05:57,560 --> 00:05:59,080
What's a puffball skirt?!

97
00:05:59,080 --> 00:06:01,640
It's a padded skirt that
goes round at the hem, like that.

98
00:06:01,640 --> 00:06:03,240
Couldn't you get one at a shop?

99
00:06:03,240 --> 00:06:05,320
Well, you said I could have anything
I liked, and...

100
00:06:05,320 --> 00:06:06,720
All right!

101
00:06:06,720 --> 00:06:08,560
"Dolly in a puffball."

102
00:06:08,560 --> 00:06:09,520
Right, where are you?

103
00:06:09,520 --> 00:06:10,680
I'm on a lake.

104
00:06:10,680 --> 00:06:13,440
That's better. You're getting
into it. "On a lake."

105
00:06:13,440 --> 00:06:13,960
Yeah? What are you doing?

106
00:06:13,960 --> 00:06:15,720
I'm in a pedalo or boat,
I don't mind.

107
00:06:15,720 --> 00:06:17,360
I'll put "pedalo/boat."

108
00:06:17,360 --> 00:06:17,880
Perfect.

109
00:06:17,880 --> 00:06:20,000
That sounds beautiful.
Am I with you?

110
00:06:20,000 --> 00:06:23,040
No, no. I'm on my own with
two 18-year-old boys in white linen.

111
00:06:23,040 --> 00:06:25,480
You sure you don't want to make
that stone-washed denim?

112
00:06:25,480 --> 00:06:26,760
No, white linen.

113
00:06:26,760 --> 00:06:28,640
OK, keep it perverted but clean.

114
00:06:28,640 --> 00:06:30,120
Noel, Noel, Noel.

115
00:06:30,120 --> 00:06:33,600
Smooth said you can use the power of
television to get free frying pans.

116
00:06:33,600 --> 00:06:34,800
I want one!

117
00:06:34,800 --> 00:06:36,680
All right, calm down. I can do that,

118
00:06:36,680 --> 00:06:37,960
but the thing is, Andy -

119
00:06:37,960 --> 00:06:39,920
this goes for you, too,
Puffball Annie -

120
00:06:39,920 --> 00:06:41,400
nothing's really for free.

121
00:06:41,400 --> 00:06:44,320
No, it's true. Somewhere
down the line, someone has to pay.

122
00:06:44,320 --> 00:06:46,920
You think in history
of all the endless guest lists

123
00:06:46,920 --> 00:06:49,800
and blaggers and people
who steal stationery from work.

124
00:06:49,800 --> 00:06:53,480
I myself have got a hefty
Post-it note collection.

125
00:06:53,480 --> 00:06:55,800
Yeah, you buy one, you get one free.

126
00:06:55,800 --> 00:06:58,200
Basically, all the stuff
people get for free,

127
00:06:58,200 --> 00:06:59,040
someone has to pay for that.

128
00:06:59,040 --> 00:07:00,080
But who?

129
00:07:00,080 --> 00:07:01,760
Jeremy Beautiful Chest.

130
00:07:01,760 --> 00:07:03,840
Look at him
down there in that paddock.

131
00:07:03,840 --> 00:07:04,840
What an idiot.

132
00:07:13,480 --> 00:07:20,360
# Fantasy Man, Fantasy Man,
Fantasy Man, Fantasy Man

133
00:07:20,360 --> 00:07:24,040
# FANTASY MAN, FANTASY MAN,
FANTASY MAN, FANTASY MAN. #

134
00:07:25,200 --> 00:07:27,960
This week's special guest,
my sidekick...

135
00:07:27,960 --> 00:07:31,040
Big Chief Woolabum Boomalackaway.

136
00:07:31,040 --> 00:07:34,920
# Yes, but mainly
Fantasy Maaaaannn. #

137
00:07:39,320 --> 00:07:41,920
Hello, Fantasy Man.
How are you today?

138
00:07:41,920 --> 00:07:44,840
I'm good, thank you. I'm off on
one of my little adventures.

139
00:07:44,840 --> 00:07:48,920
You're always going on some fucking
quest, aren't you, Fantasy Man?

140
00:07:48,920 --> 00:07:51,080
Who's this
you've got with you today?

141
00:07:51,080 --> 00:07:53,640
This is
Big Chief Woolabum Boomalackaway.

142
00:07:53,640 --> 00:07:55,200
Who, Fantasy Man?

143
00:07:55,200 --> 00:07:57,920
Big Chief Woolabum Boomalackaway.

144
00:07:57,920 --> 00:08:00,280
Big Chief Woolabum Boomalackaway?

145
00:08:00,280 --> 00:08:02,200
Big Chief Woolabum Boomalackaway.

146
00:08:02,200 --> 00:08:04,240
Please don't make me
repeat it again.

147
00:08:04,240 --> 00:08:05,640
What's the point of him?

148
00:08:05,640 --> 00:08:08,720
I can see into the future.

149
00:08:08,720 --> 00:08:09,600
Oh, really?

150
00:08:09,600 --> 00:08:12,720
Yes, but unfortunately
only 15 minutes into the future.

151
00:08:12,720 --> 00:08:15,960
Oh, dear, Fantasy Man.
That doesn't sound like much use.

152
00:08:15,960 --> 00:08:17,320
I'm fully aware of that.

153
00:08:17,320 --> 00:08:19,400
I usually use his brother,
Patrick Duffy.

154
00:08:19,400 --> 00:08:21,480
He can see up to
three days into the future

155
00:08:21,480 --> 00:08:23,720
But unfortunately,
he's got the shits.

156
00:08:27,360 --> 00:08:27,960
Hello?

157
00:08:27,960 --> 00:08:31,040
Oh, sorry, Fantasy Man.
I was just checking my e-mails.

158
00:08:31,040 --> 00:08:34,040
You've not asked me where I'm going,
what quest I'm on.

159
00:08:34,040 --> 00:08:36,120
That's your only function, you know.

160
00:08:36,120 --> 00:08:37,520
Where are you going, Fantasy Man?

161
00:08:37,520 --> 00:08:40,360
Well, a crack has
appeared in the Internet,

162
00:08:40,360 --> 00:08:42,360
in between YouTube and YouPorn.

163
00:08:42,360 --> 00:08:44,200
We must get there
and sew up the crack

164
00:08:44,200 --> 00:08:46,360
before all manner of evil residue
comes out

165
00:08:46,360 --> 00:08:50,040
and starts pumping and grinding
and splashing about.

166
00:08:50,040 --> 00:08:52,600
I mean,
that's twice I've tried to open it.

167
00:08:52,600 --> 00:08:55,360
I don't even have QuickTime.
I mean, what's...

168
00:08:55,360 --> 00:08:57,320
Oh, yes. Goodbye, Fantasy Man.

169
00:08:57,320 --> 00:08:59,080
Goodbye, Big Chief Woolabum.

170
00:08:59,080 --> 00:09:00,240
Bye!

171
00:09:10,920 --> 00:09:12,720
Oh, no.

172
00:09:12,720 --> 00:09:15,400
What is it, my good friend
Big Chief Woolabum Boomalackaway?

173
00:09:15,400 --> 00:09:16,680
It is the Bobatron.

174
00:09:16,680 --> 00:09:20,840
Oh, the Bobatron, the schizophrenic
flag, and a tricky customer.

175
00:09:20,840 --> 00:09:24,680
You'll have to let me deal with him.
You're on far too much Special K.

176
00:09:26,080 --> 00:09:28,320
Hiya. How you doing?

177
00:09:28,320 --> 00:09:31,320
In order to cross this bridge,
you must first solve a riddle.

178
00:09:31,320 --> 00:09:32,560
But I want to first say,

179
00:09:32,560 --> 00:09:35,960
you'll find me quite an easy-going,
happy-go-lucky kind of guy.

180
00:09:35,960 --> 00:09:37,480
But I can turn.

181
00:09:37,480 --> 00:09:39,760
I've got a bit of a dark side,
you see.

182
00:09:39,760 --> 00:09:42,280
I MEAN, I CAN GET
REALLY FUCKING ANGRY!

183
00:09:42,280 --> 00:09:46,360
I mean, say for example I'm at home,
watching a film, having a few beers,

184
00:09:46,360 --> 00:09:49,560
and the wife comes in
and asks me to take the rubbish out.

185
00:09:49,560 --> 00:09:52,120
I MEAN, CAN'T SHE WAIT
UNTIL THE END OF THE FILM?!

186
00:09:52,120 --> 00:09:54,960
TEN MINUTES ISN'T GOING TO MAKE
ANY DIFFERENCE AT ALL!

187
00:09:54,960 --> 00:09:57,960
I MEAN, JESUS CHRIST,
I DON'T EVEN HAVE A WIFE!

188
00:09:57,960 --> 00:10:00,400
That kind of thing.
Do you know what I mean?

189
00:10:00,400 --> 00:10:03,160
I mean, I'm out on the lake,
fishing with the guys,

190
00:10:03,160 --> 00:10:04,720
and I get a call from the boss.

191
00:10:04,720 --> 00:10:06,560
Can I come into the office?

192
00:10:06,560 --> 00:10:10,040
They've only gone and, well,
lost the Deacon file, haven't they?

193
00:10:10,040 --> 00:10:13,520
AM I THE ONLY ONE
THAT CAN DEAL WITH THE DEACON FILE?!

194
00:10:13,520 --> 00:10:14,960
I MEAN, IT'S SATURDAY!

195
00:10:14,960 --> 00:10:16,840
NO-ONE WORKS ON SATURDAYS!

196
00:10:16,840 --> 00:10:18,960
That kind of thing.
Do you know what I mean?

197
00:10:18,960 --> 00:10:20,520
We get the picture, thank you.

198
00:10:20,520 --> 00:10:22,960
Could we have the riddle?
We're pressed for time.

199
00:10:22,960 --> 00:10:25,280
Ah, sorry! Yeah, sure.

200
00:10:25,280 --> 00:10:27,040
If it takes a year to drink a horse,

201
00:10:27,040 --> 00:10:29,880
how long does a Spanish priest
have to cry for

202
00:10:29,880 --> 00:10:33,480
when rolling up a hill
against a north-facing breeze?

203
00:10:33,480 --> 00:10:37,240
Bearing in mind, yeah,
that it's winter and dark

204
00:10:37,240 --> 00:10:40,120
and the priest is covered in
ball bearings and his own shit.

205
00:10:42,600 --> 00:10:45,200
Er, can I phone a friend?

206
00:10:45,200 --> 00:10:47,320
What's that?

207
00:10:47,320 --> 00:10:50,200
You said you wanted to
phone a friend?

208
00:10:50,200 --> 00:10:53,240
You want to phone
one of your little friends?

209
00:10:53,240 --> 00:10:56,200
OF COURSE YOU CAN'T
PHONE A FRIEND, YOU MORON!

210
00:10:56,200 --> 00:10:58,440
WHAT MAKES YOU THINK
YOU CAN PHONE A FRIEND?!

211
00:10:58,440 --> 00:11:00,320
AH, YOU MAKE ME SICK, YOU IDIOT!

212
00:11:00,320 --> 00:11:04,520
LOOK AT YOU, YOU PAIR OF TITS
AND YOUR STUPID LITTLE UNIFORMS,

213
00:11:04,520 --> 00:11:06,880
COMING TO MY FUCKING BRIDGE!

214
00:11:06,880 --> 00:11:09,200
What are you doing?!
Put me down!

215
00:11:09,200 --> 00:11:10,680
Put me doooown!

216
00:11:10,680 --> 00:11:14,400
Oh, fuck! I was going to go out
tonight, but I can't now, can I?

217
00:11:14,400 --> 00:11:15,880
I'm wet through!

218
00:11:15,880 --> 00:11:17,760
But in some ways, this isn't so bad.

219
00:11:17,760 --> 00:11:20,320
I mean, the river takes me
more or less straight home

220
00:11:20,320 --> 00:11:23,760
and the traffic at this time
of night can be such a nightmare.

221
00:11:23,760 --> 00:11:26,760
Especially on the B43 -
it's always jammed up.

222
00:11:28,600 --> 00:11:30,120
Look, it is the crack.

223
00:11:32,040 --> 00:11:35,240
Quick, Chief Woolabum Boomalackaway,
bring out the Golden Needle

224
00:11:35,240 --> 00:11:38,240
and sew up the crack before all
manner of evil residue comes out,

225
00:11:38,240 --> 00:11:40,960
starts strangling
and throttling all the children.

226
00:11:43,200 --> 00:11:46,640
Golden Needle, how long do you think
it will take to sew up the crack?

227
00:11:46,640 --> 00:11:48,760
Er, looking at it, 15 minutes, tops.

228
00:11:48,760 --> 00:11:50,400
I hope that's long enough.

229
00:11:50,400 --> 00:11:52,240
I can check it if you want to.

230
00:11:52,240 --> 00:11:55,320
Of course you can, your special
skill - looking into the future.

231
00:11:55,320 --> 00:11:57,320
Go ahead, Big Chief,
do your magic thing.

232
00:12:05,280 --> 00:12:08,200
The next 15 minutes will be fine.

233
00:12:08,200 --> 00:12:10,280
Is it entirely necessary
to do poppers

234
00:12:10,280 --> 00:12:11,680
every time you look into the future?

235
00:12:11,680 --> 00:12:13,600
Yeeeeessss.

236
00:12:13,600 --> 00:12:14,680
For goodness' sake,

237
00:12:14,680 --> 00:12:17,480
fire the Golden Needle into
the crack, please, and seal it?

238
00:12:27,240 --> 00:12:28,880
Oh, for goodness' sake, Needle,

239
00:12:28,880 --> 00:12:31,040
I thought you said it
would take 15 minutes!

240
00:12:31,040 --> 00:12:32,760
I'm going as fast as I can,
you dick!

241
00:12:32,760 --> 00:12:34,560
Some of this needs double stitching!

242
00:12:36,080 --> 00:12:39,560
I still have one last trick
left up my fantasy sleeves.

243
00:12:46,400 --> 00:12:47,800
Oohhh...

244
00:13:07,240 --> 00:13:09,040
Oh, no...

245
00:13:10,200 --> 00:13:11,520
Oh, it is the Bobatron.

246
00:13:11,520 --> 00:13:15,280
We've had several phone calls that
you've been scaring the children,

247
00:13:15,280 --> 00:13:18,320
firing arrows at them,
and mucking around.

248
00:13:18,320 --> 00:13:20,600
Now, you'll find me
quite an easy-going,

249
00:13:20,600 --> 00:13:22,800
happy-go-lucky
kind of police officer,

250
00:13:22,800 --> 00:13:26,640
but if you start giving me
the run-around, I can turn.

251
00:13:26,640 --> 00:13:29,240
For instance, if you come
to the station with me now,

252
00:13:29,240 --> 00:13:31,640
we can sort out all this mess.

253
00:13:31,640 --> 00:13:36,280
But if you start acting up,
and mucking around, then...

254
00:13:37,880 --> 00:13:39,440
I GET REALLY FUCKING ANGRY!

255
00:13:39,440 --> 00:13:42,360
DO I MAKE MYSELF CLEAR,
YOU FUCKING RETARD?!

256
00:13:42,360 --> 00:13:45,720
GET IN THE FUCKING VAN,
YOU FUCKING BUNCH OF PLUMS!

257
00:13:45,720 --> 00:13:47,520
GO ON, GET IN THERE!

258
00:13:50,000 --> 00:13:51,160
Hello, Fantasy Man.

259
00:13:51,160 --> 00:13:53,720
Did you manage to seal up
the crack in the Internet?

260
00:13:53,720 --> 00:13:55,840
No, we've had a bit of trouble.
In fact, we've been arrested.

261
00:13:55,840 --> 00:13:57,040
Oh, dear.

262
00:13:57,040 --> 00:13:59,320
I myself had a wonderful afternoon.

263
00:13:59,320 --> 00:14:01,920
I went to Harrods.
My wife's quite rich, you know.

264
00:14:01,920 --> 00:14:03,480
Toodle-oo.

265
00:14:03,480 --> 00:14:05,880
Looks like our journey's at an end.

266
00:14:05,880 --> 00:14:07,720
On the contrary, my friend.

267
00:14:07,720 --> 00:14:09,680
It's only just begun.

268
00:14:26,560 --> 00:14:27,560
# Ooh, yeah. #

269
00:14:31,360 --> 00:14:34,400
"Smooth enters the hut wearing
purple pants."

270
00:14:35,800 --> 00:14:37,880
Nice trunks!

271
00:14:37,880 --> 00:14:39,280
What's with the hat?

272
00:14:39,280 --> 00:14:41,160
Just an extra pair of eyes to have
about the place.

273
00:14:41,160 --> 00:14:42,200
What for?

274
00:14:42,200 --> 00:14:45,160
Let's just say it's time to keep
an eye on everyone.

275
00:14:45,160 --> 00:14:46,200
What're you talking about?

276
00:14:46,200 --> 00:14:47,640
You know.

277
00:14:47,640 --> 00:14:50,360
Yesterday I bought three Fab lollies,
yeah?

278
00:14:50,360 --> 00:14:53,000
I had one in the queue,
I'm not an idiot, leaving me two.

279
00:14:53,000 --> 00:14:55,720
This morning, when I checked
my little desk freezer,

280
00:14:55,720 --> 00:14:58,280
there was only one left!
Explain that!

281
00:14:58,280 --> 00:15:00,360
You had two, you dick.
You had one last night.

282
00:15:00,360 --> 00:15:03,040
I did not have one last night!
Why would you say that!

283
00:15:03,040 --> 00:15:05,280
The red stuff around your mouth
at bath time.

284
00:15:05,280 --> 00:15:07,600
That was felt tip from the
colouring-in competition!

285
00:15:07,600 --> 00:15:10,640
I came second. I got an award
from Nanny Porpoise!

286
00:15:10,640 --> 00:15:12,160
How does it work, anyway?

287
00:15:12,160 --> 00:15:13,920
I'll give you a demonstration.

288
00:15:13,920 --> 00:15:17,600
You go out, I'll pretend to be
asleep. Try to steal my Fab lolly.

289
00:15:17,600 --> 00:15:20,240
You're going to love this!
Blow your mind.

290
00:15:21,880 --> 00:15:25,160
OK. You ready? I'm asleep.

291
00:15:31,280 --> 00:15:35,360
Huh? See? Amazing, yeah?

292
00:15:35,360 --> 00:15:38,440
(LAUGHS) You getting that?

293
00:15:40,120 --> 00:15:43,080
But how does him waving about
let you know what's going on?

294
00:15:43,080 --> 00:15:46,000
The wind, the air currents
going past your ears,

295
00:15:46,000 --> 00:15:49,200
enlightening you to the fact that
another Fab lolly might be gone.

296
00:15:49,200 --> 00:15:51,200
Where did you get
a hat like that anyway?

297
00:15:51,200 --> 00:15:52,440
Andy Warhol made it.

298
00:15:52,440 --> 00:15:54,480
Maybe he's the one
stealing your lollies.

299
00:15:54,480 --> 00:15:56,800
I don't think it's going to be
Andy Warhol, is it?

300
00:15:56,800 --> 00:15:59,280
He's gone to the trouble
of building me a security hat.

301
00:15:59,280 --> 00:16:01,040
Why would he steal the lollies?

302
00:16:01,040 --> 00:16:02,840
Seems like the perfect alibi to me.

303
00:16:15,680 --> 00:16:18,720
Wait a minute! What's all that
red stuff around your mouth?

304
00:16:18,720 --> 00:16:23,360
It's blood from a penguin's carcass
I was feasting on in the hallway.

305
00:16:23,360 --> 00:16:25,200
Thank God for that!

306
00:16:25,200 --> 00:16:27,880
I thought you were the one
stealing the lollies.

307
00:16:27,880 --> 00:16:28,720
No!

308
00:16:28,720 --> 00:16:29,600
Check this out.

309
00:16:29,600 --> 00:16:32,920
"Smooth enters the hut wearing
leopard-skin pants."

310
00:16:32,920 --> 00:16:34,640
(LAUGHS) Nice pants!

311
00:16:34,640 --> 00:16:40,040
Ha! Big cat pants! Ha! Big cat
pants! Ha! Big cat pants!

312
00:16:40,040 --> 00:16:43,560
Ha! Big cat pants! Ha!
Big cat pants!

313
00:16:43,560 --> 00:16:45,120
Yeah, maybe go do some Hoovering?

314
00:16:45,120 --> 00:16:46,680
Yes.

315
00:17:27,240 --> 00:17:30,240
I mean, this whole business
with the hat is just stupid.

316
00:17:30,240 --> 00:17:32,560
What if I want to get naked
sometimes?

317
00:17:32,560 --> 00:17:34,200
Why would you get naked?

318
00:17:34,200 --> 00:17:38,520
Because I'm spontaneous and free and
don't want some hat staring at me.

319
00:17:38,520 --> 00:17:40,720
If you're so spontaneous and free,

320
00:17:40,720 --> 00:17:43,120
why would you mind
if a hat was looking at you?

321
00:17:43,120 --> 00:17:46,920
Because this one might be like some
massive 'par-fart' or something.

322
00:17:46,920 --> 00:17:48,080
A what?!

323
00:17:48,080 --> 00:17:49,240
A massive 'par-fart'.

324
00:17:49,240 --> 00:17:50,120
Sorry, a what?

325
00:17:50,120 --> 00:17:51,120
A 'par-fart'!

326
00:17:51,120 --> 00:17:52,240
Not a pervert, is he?

327
00:17:52,240 --> 00:17:55,480
He's a security hat just
getting on with his own business.

328
00:17:55,480 --> 00:17:58,400
I know, but it's very likely
that he will fall in love with me.

329
00:17:58,400 --> 00:18:00,840
I can see already.
Look at the way he's looking at me

330
00:18:00,840 --> 00:18:03,960
and what if I fall a little
bit in love with him back?

331
00:18:03,960 --> 00:18:07,080
What, we get married and...
Oh, for God's sake, it's all stupid!

332
00:18:07,080 --> 00:18:08,840
There's other stuff to worry about

333
00:18:08,840 --> 00:18:11,120
than your weird sexual fantasies
with a hat!

334
00:18:11,120 --> 00:18:13,360
There's still a missing Fab
lolly to consider!

335
00:18:13,360 --> 00:18:15,280
I bought three,
I ate one in the queue!

336
00:18:15,280 --> 00:18:18,760
When I came down to my desk freezer
this morning, there's only one left!

337
00:18:18,760 --> 00:18:21,040
Where's the other one gone?!

338
00:18:21,040 --> 00:18:21,840
You had two, you dick!

339
00:18:21,840 --> 00:18:23,840
No I didn't! Why would you say that?!

340
00:18:23,840 --> 00:18:25,640
The red stuff around your mouth!

341
00:18:25,640 --> 00:18:29,160
THAT WAS FELT TIP
FROM THE COLOURING-IN COMPETITION!

342
00:18:29,160 --> 00:18:31,880
I WON AN AWARD FROM NANNY PORPOISE!

343
00:18:31,880 --> 00:18:36,920
WHY WON'T ANYONE BELIEVE ME? (SOBS)

344
00:18:36,920 --> 00:18:38,200
HAT WHIRS AROUND

345
00:18:42,920 --> 00:18:45,120
Stop going on about it.

346
00:18:47,720 --> 00:18:51,080
The time elapsed
between Joyce's Ulysses

347
00:18:51,080 --> 00:18:53,760
and Finnegan's Wake
is nearly 20 years.

348
00:18:55,200 --> 00:18:59,040
Often, people would say to him,
"What's going on?"

349
00:18:59,040 --> 00:19:03,440
And he would say, "I had a good day
today, I wrote a word."

350
00:19:03,440 --> 00:19:05,640
Now, for me,
that's not really writing.

351
00:19:05,640 --> 00:19:08,440
That's simply putting a word down.

352
00:19:09,600 --> 00:19:13,920
And this kind of stasis,
this kind of collapse,

353
00:19:13,920 --> 00:19:17,320
this kind of absolute obscurantism

354
00:19:17,320 --> 00:19:22,200
really has mired art
for the last, I'd say 120 years.

355
00:19:22,200 --> 00:19:25,280
No-one's got anything
to really contribute.

356
00:19:25,280 --> 00:19:29,680
And this lack of confidence -
it's a crisis, really -

357
00:19:29,680 --> 00:19:33,480
is probably, to my mind,
caused by Ice Cream Eyes.

358
00:19:33,480 --> 00:19:35,480
How could that have been me?

359
00:19:35,480 --> 00:19:38,360
I was watching Time Team
from the secrecy of an umbrella.

360
00:19:38,360 --> 00:19:39,920
I blame Tony Coins.

361
00:19:39,920 --> 00:19:43,360
I'm afraid you've got the wrong cat.
Couldn't have been me.

362
00:19:43,360 --> 00:19:45,520
I was on an enormous spending spree.

363
00:19:45,520 --> 00:19:48,800
If I had to blame someone,
it'd have to be Adam Printout.

364
00:19:48,800 --> 00:19:50,720
That dick's always up to no good.

365
00:19:54,840 --> 00:19:56,800
I don't think it was me.

366
00:19:56,800 --> 00:19:59,120
Although I've no real alibi.

367
00:19:59,120 --> 00:20:02,200
I was at home having weak tea
and a lemon slice.

368
00:20:02,200 --> 00:20:04,200
If you really pushed me,

369
00:20:04,200 --> 00:20:08,000
I'd probably say it was Eugene
Secret Note Passed Under The Door.

370
00:20:08,000 --> 00:20:11,120
I got caught with Angel Delight

371
00:20:11,120 --> 00:20:13,760
and going on the swings with Darren.

372
00:20:13,760 --> 00:20:17,200
Push me, Darren!
Push me faster and faster!

373
00:20:19,200 --> 00:20:20,960
Oh, my pockets are wet now.

374
00:20:20,960 --> 00:20:23,360
My pockets are wet right through.

375
00:20:23,360 --> 00:20:25,480
I got my momma's knickers on.

376
00:20:26,520 --> 00:20:29,080
Oh, Eugene Secret Note
Passed Under The Door,

377
00:20:29,080 --> 00:20:31,400
to think I almost blamed
Ice Cream Eyes.

378
00:20:31,400 --> 00:20:33,080
Yeah, motherfucker.

379
00:20:38,200 --> 00:20:39,880
Where's the hat?

380
00:20:39,880 --> 00:20:41,520
Hmm? Where's the hat?

381
00:20:41,520 --> 00:20:42,720
Oh, he had to go.

382
00:20:42,720 --> 00:20:45,280
You know, his work was done here,
so he moved on.

383
00:20:45,280 --> 00:20:48,000
That's what he does,
he moves on from town to town.

384
00:20:48,000 --> 00:20:49,800
Bit like The Littlest Hobo.

385
00:20:52,000 --> 00:20:53,280
Ah, you like the hat!

386
00:20:53,280 --> 00:20:55,600
He had a certain charm, you know?

387
00:20:55,600 --> 00:20:56,840
Oh, really?

388
00:20:56,840 --> 00:20:59,680
I thought you thought
he was a pervert.

389
00:20:59,680 --> 00:21:03,280
No, I was wrong. But now I'll never
know if he was a pervert or not,

390
00:21:03,280 --> 00:21:05,480
because he's gone
and I won't see him again.

391
00:21:05,480 --> 00:21:06,520
Maybe you will.

392
00:21:06,520 --> 00:21:09,800
Maybe I can make that happen
with my little magic typewriter.

393
00:21:09,800 --> 00:21:11,000
Really? Check this out.

394
00:21:11,000 --> 00:21:14,840
"Dolly sits on a large mushroom.
Suddenly, the phone rings.

395
00:21:14,840 --> 00:21:17,040
"Oh, I wonder who that is,
she thinks."

396
00:21:17,040 --> 00:21:18,800
And who is it?

397
00:21:18,800 --> 00:21:21,000
Well, it's the hat, isn't it,
obviously.

398
00:21:21,000 --> 00:21:22,440
That's what this is about.

399
00:21:22,440 --> 00:21:24,320
Thank you.

400
00:21:27,880 --> 00:21:30,280
Ma'am, you are looking mighty fine
today,

401
00:21:30,280 --> 00:21:32,000
if you don't mind me saying so.

402
00:21:32,000 --> 00:21:34,520
Oh, thank you.
You have such a strong brim.

403
00:21:34,520 --> 00:21:37,880
Would you do me the honour
of accompanying me to the rodeo?

404
00:21:37,880 --> 00:21:39,560
Oh, I'd love to.

405
00:21:39,560 --> 00:21:41,960
But this is crazy.
I don't even know your name.

406
00:21:41,960 --> 00:21:45,720
# They call me Sugar Bone Thompson

407
00:21:45,720 --> 00:21:49,240
# And I'm going to the rodeo

408
00:21:49,240 --> 00:21:52,240
# Got a lady on my arm, ooh

409
00:21:52,240 --> 00:21:55,680
# And I used to live in Hammersmith

410
00:21:55,680 --> 00:21:58,640
# They call me Sugar Bone Thompson
I ain't lying

411
00:21:58,640 --> 00:22:02,480
# And I used to be a cowboy
Still am one

412
00:22:02,480 --> 00:22:06,000
# Riding on the hilltops

413
00:22:06,000 --> 00:22:09,240
# Cos I'm a round-hatted
son of a bitch

414
00:22:09,240 --> 00:22:12,520
# I'm a velvet-hatted
son of a bitch. #

415
00:22:12,520 --> 00:22:18,040
"I'm a round-hatted son of a bitch",
yee-ha!

416
00:22:18,040 --> 00:22:19,080
Nice.

417
00:22:19,080 --> 00:22:20,120
Tut.

418
00:22:20,120 --> 00:22:22,480
Right, that's it.
I'm going to do both cheeks.

419
00:22:22,480 --> 00:22:23,840
You're in trouble, mate.

420
00:22:23,840 --> 00:22:27,120
# Tut, tut, tut

421
00:22:27,120 --> 00:22:37,320
# Ba-la-da-dum
Bom, bom, bom

422
00:22:41,840 --> 00:22:45,520
# Ba-la-da-dum
Bom, bom, bom

423
00:22:45,520 --> 00:22:49,640
# Ba-la-da-dum
Bom, ba da da dum. #

424
00:22:49,640 --> 00:22:51,600
Oh, sorry, are you doing a song?

425
00:22:51,600 --> 00:22:53,920
Sorry, I thought you were
tutting again.

426
00:22:53,920 --> 00:22:55,720
Didn't realise it was a song.

427
00:22:55,720 --> 00:22:59,160
That's amazing, using tutting in
a creative way. I really like that.

428
00:22:59,160 --> 00:23:01,760
Sorry about earlier.
I was a bit stressed out.

429
00:23:01,760 --> 00:23:03,920
Smooth forgot to get me
some biscuits.

430
00:23:03,920 --> 00:23:05,640
That's the only thing on the list.

431
00:23:05,640 --> 00:23:08,200
You guys doing the tutting song,
that's amazing.

432
00:23:08,200 --> 00:23:10,480
I think you'll go far.
Good luck with that.

433
00:23:10,480 --> 00:23:12,800
I know a few A&R men.
I might send some your way.

434
00:23:12,800 --> 00:23:14,920
Let me know
if you do any live gigs, yeah?

435
00:23:14,920 --> 00:23:16,280
All right. Take care, yeah?

436
00:23:16,280 --> 00:23:18,160
I love you.

437
00:23:18,160 --> 00:23:20,400
Tut. Tut.

438
00:23:20,400 --> 00:23:21,840
What a prick.

439
00:23:21,850 --> 00:23:26,850
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