(BELL) Ding-a-ling
Seen this? Unbelievable, check it out.
Bryan Ferry with a kite for a head - absolutely genius.
Yeah, it's good, but have you seen this?
What is that?
Brian Eno Frisbee.
Brian Eno Frisbee? Oh, what is wrong with everyone?
What do you mean?
Well, it's always the same, as soon as you mention Bryan Ferry
someone always has to chip in with a little Brian Eno nugget.
So you don't like Eno?
Of course I love Brian Eno, I'm not an idiot.
But I'm talking about Ferry at the moment
and I think that Ferry has done enough as a Brian in his own right
not to be compared to Eno at every turn.
I like both Brians equally and I think that everyone should.
What are you getting so angry about?
I don't know, it's just that I went
"Look, Bryan Ferry with a kite for a head," which is an amazing thing,
and you immediately went, "Oh, look, I've got a Brian Eno Frisbee."
That is quite good, though, actually.
Check this out.
What's happening there?
You've got your hummus here, your Pitas here,
and your olives over here.
Wow, I get it, you're in the park, you're having frisbee fun,
you get a bit tired, you sit down, you've got a portable picnic.
(LAUGHS) Wait a minute, when you throw it, doesn't all the food just
come out and sort of fly into toddlers' eyes?
You'd think that, but no.
No? Why not?
Magnetic hummus.
Oh, magnetic hummus!
Only Eno could come out with a concept like that.
One of the best Brians who's ever lived.
Yeah, along with Bryan Ferry.
Whatever, feed Tony, will you?
All right, I will feed Tony. I'm going to give him an olive.
If I had to choose between the two Brians,
and I really would hate to do so,
I would have to err on the side of Eno.
Oh, Tony you ball bag.
No, I mean, I love Bryan Ferry, of course I do, I love his solo work,
I even bought a vintage lamp of him, he's a great guy.
But for me, it'll always be about Brian Eno,
he's a wonderful Producer.
I remember I was working with a huge, mega-huge rock band in the '80s,
and we were really stuck in the studio
and the record company were leaning on us to get out another single.
So I Phoned up Brian Eno to see if he could help.
An hour later, he rushes in wearing clown shoes
and tips a pasta bake over everyone.
Now, you might think this is the reckless, insignificant behaviour
of an egomaniac, but 20 minutes later,
Gene Simmons reaches for his guitar and pens Crazy Crazy Nights.
Pasta bake coincidence?
Or the work of the greatest living Brian?
Pasta bake coincidence.
Philistine.
Fish finger for Jenga, fish finger for a game of Jenga. (LAUGHS)
Careful now, I saw that tower wobbling, wobbling, wobbling.
Like sleeping oblong goblins.
Cheating in a game of breadcrumb Jenga!
I've fractured images of a life that I can't quite remember.
Helen Daniels, infiltrating the structure.
Helen Daniels running amok in the delicate ecosystem
that is my mechanical stomach hole.
This is a code red, Jersey Royal alert.
Notify all relevant authorities
and book tickets for the ice skating.
Help. Help. Help.
Activating Doo-Cloth.
Hello Doo-Rag.
Hello Doo-Cloth. Did you have a good holiday?
I couldn't really unwind for the first week,
but once I did, I had a really good time.
I just loved getting the sun with a Barbara Cartland novel.
What seems to be the problem?
It's Helen Daniels again,
she's infiltrating the infrastructure.
That goddamn bitch, I know exactly how to deal with her.
That should do it.
Potato waffle Alcatraz.
Helen Daniels gone to the big house.
Cheating in a game of breadcrumb Jenga!
Moondog's Viking helmet glistening in a humid December.
And in the blue corner it's Kite Headed Ferry
and in the red corner, Brian Eno Frisbee.
And they've come together
and it's Kite Headed Ferry on top of things at the moment.
Kite Headed Ferry's all over Eno, Pummelling him.
Oh, but what's this? Brian Eno Frisbee has Produced
a pair of scissors from deep within his golden mullet.
And it's all over! Brian Eno Frisbee is the winner,
Proving himself to be the greatest of all the Brians.
This fight was brought to you in association with magnetic hummus,
available in all good supermarkets Priced 3.99.
Oh, Brian, you are wounded. Someone has decapitated you.
No, you are safe now, don't worry,
I will fix you in my soundproof underground chamber.
Shush, shush, don't be frightened, Bryan.
Hello, Joey. What's wrong, Joey? You look awfully upset.
What's that? The tram system's broken down?
And you've got no money for a taxi?
And you've got a gig at CBGBs, you'll never make it in time?
Oh, dear, Joey, is that why you're crying?
What's that, Joey?
You're not crying, you've got a bad case of conjunctivitis?
Oh, look, Joey! A huge bird has flown down from the sky,
grabbed you by your tiny Punk lapels and is carrying you off to CBGBs.
You see, Joey? You never can tell, you never can tell.
There were no need for tears, after all.
What's that, Joey?
You've told me twice, it was conjunctivitis?
Of course it was, Joey, of course it was.
It's a funny old world.
Fly, Bryan, fly!
Look at you, grazing the clouds, like the Bryan you are.
Illuminating the sky with your diamond-shaped head,
you are by far the best Bryan of all the Brians,
Eno, Clough and Denny included.
Yeah, can I have a go now, please?
No, he is mine.
Besides he hasn't learnt to trust you yet, he will be frightened.
It's not fair, I'm the one who likes Bryan Ferry, not you,
you're jumping on the Bryan Ferry bandwagon.
Get your own kite, he is mine.
Maybe I will, then you'll be sorry.
Noel, would you like to do swapsies?
Erm, I'm fine actually.
What's the matter, you gone off your own kite?
Like the Elephant Man, your kite, isn't it?
The way it moves, the way it flaps about.
Ah, dear. I don't know, to me it's like if the boot was on the other foot,
I couldn't really deal with it.
Why don't you just give me control of both the kites and you go
and have a lie down, yeah?
That will not happen.
Maybe it's the string. Maybe your string's a bit washing-liney.
Could be the handle.
Maybe it's just you, you're not that great at flying kites.
Some people just can't do it, apparently,
and some people, it just happens for them.
I think I probably fall into that category, we're called champions.
Hello, Bryan. Oh, yeah.
Sorry what I said about Eno being the best Brian, earlier.
I was just messing about.
What, what Bryan?
What are you trying to tell me?
There's a boy trapped in a tree and the tree's on fire?
I will alert the authorities.
What? There's no time?
OK, you lead the way. We haven't got a moment to lose.
I'll put my shorts on and get a compass.
What'd you do that for?
You heard them, there's a boy trapped up a tree by the creek,
it is dark, he is in danger.
You did that on purpose.
Yes, I did, cos you wouldn't do swapsies.
Oh, poor Noely.
Is he going to cry?
I'm not going to cry, am I?
It looks like you're going to cry, Noel. I can see real tears.
Oh, watery eyes.
I am leaving now, I am off to join the other champions.
# Fantasy Man, Fantasy Man Fantasy Man, Fantasy Man
# Fantasy Man, Fantasy Man Fantasy Man, Fantasy Man! #
(The Valley of the chavs) 'Hello, Fantasy Man. Are you off for one of your silly little adventures?
'Fantasy Man? Fantasy Man?
'Are you OK?'
This is my last adventure, what it's all been building up to.
I am weak now. I can fight no more.
'Oh, Fantasy Man, don't be so melodramatic, really.
'You know full well you'll be back next week
'looking for the Golden Jug Of Haribo or some such shit.'
I must be true to myself, follow my destiny,
go and bathe my body in the golden light of the Promised Land.
I just want to thank you
for all your guidance over these years, my good friend.
'I'll be honest with you, it never really meant that much to me.
'Thanks for your kind words.
'I have to go now I've chartered a helicopter to Tuscany,
'we've got a few vineyards down there.
'Probably won't be back till Tuesday. Au revoir.'
Farewell, my friend, I'll see you on the other side.
'Of that garage? I don't think so.'
Goodbye, my friend.
'Right - sunglasses, trunks, passport.
'Oh, yes, goodbye, Fantasy Man, good luck with the garage.'
Oh, man, what is you?
What is that you're wearing?
Look at his trousers, they is well tight.
Oh, my days! He's got a foam cup on his chin.
Let me be!
Oh, my gosh, them is a lady's boots!
Is you mentally ill?
No, I'm not mentally ill. I'm a man of action, unlike you, you street ruffian.
Now I'm heading to the Promised Land.
That's my mum's garage.
It is not your mum's garage, it is the gateway to the Promised Land.
Now out of my way all of you, let me be.
Or what?
Please, none of this even needs to happen.
This whole transaction is absurd.
Right, that's your last warning.
Ow! Please!
(CHAVS) Oh, my gosh, batty man. Oh, my gosh, batty man.
Oh, my gosh, batty man.
Oh, my gosh, bat-batty man.
I'm not a batty man, I'm a Fantasy Man!
Take that! They call me the Neon Bullet.
It's conker season! Come on! Yes?
Come on, do you want some?
You want some of me?
Oh, you've got a spork.
A combination of a fork and a spoon, the worst combination there is.
There's no need for that, my friend.
(LAUGHS) No, really, I mean we could...
Thank you, Dream Tiger. Yes, I'll ring you in the week.
Hello, Fantasy Man. How are you?
I've got a bit wrong, I appear to have killed 45.
Yes, and you seem to have arranged the bodies into some sort of
human chav calligraphy. It's actually quite beautiful.
I've had a funny turn, I forgot to take my medication.
Yes, you do seem to have got yourself into a bit of a tangle.
In fact, I think I can hear the police coming.
You won't tell them, will you?
I might have to.
No!
I just might have to.
So, guys, that's series one. I thought we did quite well.
Well, we did our best.
I thought I was good.
You were good, actually, yeah. In places.
This is taking ages.
All right, I've just put them on, cool your boots.
What oil are you using?
I'm using rape seed oil.
Rapeseed oil, really?
Yeah, rapeseed oil, really.
Doesn't it get all sticky?
No, it doesn't get all sticky, it's fine, thanks.
Look, why don't you just let me do it?
Don't touch me, Gonzo. Every year we have a barbecue, you know this,
and every year, for once a year, I do the cooking.
It's a tradition in this house, OK?
And every year ends in tears.
No, it does not end in tears. Why would you say that?
Cos you get all the timings wrong,
you can't handle the Pressure, you have a barbecue breakdown.
I have a what?
A barbecue breakdown.
I don't have a barbecue breakdown, thank you very much.
Yes, you do, you have a barbecue breakdown.
Don't say it like it's a real term,
I don't have a barbecue breakdown all right? OK?
And can you just back off a bit, every time I turn round
your nose goes in my mouth and it tastes of lavender, you mauve freak.
Just, everyone just calm down a bit.
Hey, Noel, I'm not eating meat today,
have you got any vegetarian sausages?
Yes, I've already put them in the oven. Thank you very much.
In the oven? But why in the oven? It doesn't taste the same.
I'm part of this barbecue, no?
I'm being penalised now for not eating meat.
Listen, don't be naive, you know full well vegetarian sausages
don't cook properly on the barbecue,
they crumble and go through the slats.
Noel, I can't wait any more, I will have mine raw.
You can't have them raw, Andy, you'll get food poisoning.
What is food poisoning?
Look, can someone make sure the baps have been toasted?
Noel, what are baps?
You know what baps are, Andy.
We had them for lunch yesterday with cheese and pickle.
No, they were buns.
Andy, buns are baps, I've told you. Baps, buns, muffins..
We've done the bread family.
I gave you that chart, you put it above your bed in your room.
That one's going black.
Good! Good that it's gone black, that's the whole point at the barbecue!
Otherwise we might as well just do them in the oven!
Exactly that's what I said.
Look, it's happening, innit?
It's not happening, you lot are doing my head in.
You're having a barbecue breakdown.
I'm not having a barbecue breakdown!
You are.
I'm not having a barbecue breakdown!
You are clearly having one.
Oh, no!
That's the worst possible outcome!
That sausage is on fire.
Oh, no! Ouch! Oh, everything's on fire!
That's a shame. Slash gave me this hat as a cheeky memento.
Oh, no! Wait a minute, underwater fire?
That's a ludicrous concept. No, I won't be part of that.
Oh, nice one! Look what you've done!
Oh, no!
My polyester roll neck has gone up like a motherfucker.
Andy, you completely set my tits on fire!
It's not about your tits, the whole show's on fire.
Oh, Andy, by the way,
you can't really use the excuse of a fire to feel people up.
No?
Not really, it's a bit weird.
Ok.
A flaming sausage? A barbecue gone awry?
This has to be the work of Ice Cream Eyes.
How could that have been me?
I was in the back alleyway fingering a Pac-Man ghost.
Right then, class 4C,
it would appear that we're in a real fire situation.
This is not a timetabled fire drill, would you please
all leave in single file and regroup on the hockey pitch
where Mrs Pamflom will take a register in full.
Do not attempt to go to your lockers and retrieve your pencil cases.
These items can easily replaced,
unlike the new skin on your tiny faces.
No, Darren Slade, I will not be accompanying you,
I've got to nip to the gym quickly and retrieve my army medals.
They're worth a lot more than pencil cases, you numbskull.
Oh, I can smell the roof of my mouth burning.
Hooper, my legs are on fire, Hooper this doughnut's on fire,
Hooper, these two matching identical red pens are on fire.
Hooper, you've got to Phone Mrs Boombox
and tell her I can't make dinner with the Hendersons.
(2 days later) Oh, dear.
Can't believe the whole show burnt down.
This is all that's left of it.
Luckily this dust pan and brush didn't melt.
Whole show gone, just cos of one stupid sausage.
I've actually got an IQ of 147.
I've the only survivor. Wow, the only survivor.
That is not strictly true.
What are you lot doing there? I thought you'd all burnt down for the rest of the show.
No, we are all figments of your imagination.
You survived, therefore we survived.
Well, what are you all doing, lurking about in black space?
We've got nowhere else to go now the show's burnt down.
Actually I'm going to Berlin this evening.
I'm doing a season of cabaret where I'm naked on my bike
and I talk about the history of bikes. Completely sold out.
Apart from sandy balls, none of us have got anywhere to go.
Until you write series two, that is.
I'd better get on with it, then.
Going to need a big typewriter though.
See you later, guys. Catch you next year.
Great! Now I've got to spend the next year faffing about with these lot
in the middle of nowhere.
Well, it's not so bad, perhaps we could play a game or something.
Hooper, where's the goddamn Twister board? I'm sure we had one kicking around.
We used it as a fire blanket.
Ah, damn!
I've got Battleships. I mean, not electronic
but it won't spoil the fun.
I've got a lovely little South African Beaujolais
that I've been saving for an occasion like this.
You know, when the show would burn down
and people are left in infinite space, that kind of thing.
It's all bleedin' coming together, innit?
No, Dondylion, it is far from coming together,
we haven't done the end song.
Noel, come back, we haven't done the end song.
All right, calm down, it's fine.
But the end song! It burnt down with end of the show.
What will we do? Ah! Ah! What will we do?
Ah! Ah! What will we do?
All right, Andy, calm down. It's fine. We'll do it a cappella.
Ah, yes, that is, yes. Everybody, we will do it a cappella.
That is a suitable solution. Very good. Ok, phew.
OK, you ready? One, two, a-one, two, three, four.
(ALL) # Gotta go now It's the end of the show
# Gotta go now It's the end of the show
# Bye-bye now It's the end of the show
# Come back next for another show
# Gotta come back for another show
# Bye-bye, baby, bye-bye
# Baby, bye-bye
# Baby, bye-bye... #
I mean, really? I'm going.
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