1 00:00:01,040 --> 00:00:05,040 This programme contains strong language and adult humour. 2 00:00:11,680 --> 00:00:13,280 # Here it comes, here it comes 3 00:00:13,280 --> 00:00:16,000 # Here it comes again, yeah! # It's luxury 4 00:00:16,000 --> 00:00:20,000 # Here it comes, here it comes Here it comes again, yeah 5 00:00:34,720 --> 00:00:37,440 Hi. Welcome to the second series of Luxury Comedy. 6 00:00:37,440 --> 00:00:39,040 We're in a coffee shop this time. 7 00:00:39,040 --> 00:00:42,200 I know what you're thinking. That sounds like the setting for a boring sitcom. 8 00:00:42,200 --> 00:00:44,600 It's not gonna be boring, cos I've put a little twist on it. 9 00:00:44,600 --> 00:00:48,600 It's a coffee shop on the edge of a volcano in Hawaii. 10 00:00:53,320 --> 00:00:56,720 Ah, it's gonna be great. I mean, I've never had a job before. 11 00:00:56,720 --> 00:00:58,360 No-one's gonna give me a job in real life, are they? 12 00:00:58,360 --> 00:01:00,520 Noel, who are you talking to? 13 00:01:00,520 --> 00:01:02,120 The people - watching at home. 14 00:01:02,120 --> 00:01:04,920 Just giving 'em a way in, you know, a friendly map and compass, 15 00:01:04,920 --> 00:01:07,640 cos, apparently, last time, a couple of people were confused. 16 00:01:07,640 --> 00:01:10,000 WHEEZY LAUGH OK. So, introduce me, then. 17 00:01:10,000 --> 00:01:13,000 All right, I'm just getting round to it. This is Dolly, my cool friend. 18 00:01:13,000 --> 00:01:15,280 We used to go out, back in the day, but I had to end it. 19 00:01:15,280 --> 00:01:17,400 Yeah, Noel, I ended it. 20 00:01:17,400 --> 00:01:19,080 I ended it. Noel, I ended it. 21 00:01:19,080 --> 00:01:22,040 No, if you remember, I ended it. No, Noel. If you remember, I ended it, 22 00:01:22,040 --> 00:01:24,800 cos you kept asking me to do that thing, you know, with the... 23 00:01:24,800 --> 00:01:27,280 Yeah, all right. Can we not talk about that on telly? Sure. 24 00:01:27,280 --> 00:01:29,400 This is Smooth, my second-in-command. 25 00:01:29,400 --> 00:01:31,680 Ha-ha! Check him out. I won him in a card game. 26 00:01:31,680 --> 00:01:34,360 Ha-ha! He's an anteater. Imagine that! 27 00:01:34,360 --> 00:01:36,880 You are an anteater, aren't you? Yeah, why? 28 00:01:36,880 --> 00:01:39,000 It's just that you look like you're in Star Wars. 29 00:01:39,000 --> 00:01:41,000 I'm mixed race. Mixed race? 30 00:01:41,000 --> 00:01:43,160 Yeah, my mum's an anteater. My dad's a man. 31 00:01:43,160 --> 00:01:46,640 Your dad got off with an anteater? It's a bit weird, innit? 32 00:01:46,640 --> 00:01:48,520 Yeah, it is a bit weird. But can you pipe down? 33 00:01:48,520 --> 00:01:52,520 My parents are sitting over there. 34 00:01:53,440 --> 00:01:56,520 Ha-ha! Oh, where's Andy Warhol? 35 00:01:56,520 --> 00:01:58,160 He's in the cupboard. 36 00:01:58,160 --> 00:02:00,360 Still? He's been in there since the first series. 37 00:02:00,360 --> 00:02:02,960 I know. He's decked it all out to look like Studio 54. 38 00:02:02,960 --> 00:02:06,680 Ha-ha! Get him out, quick. The show's started. 39 00:02:09,240 --> 00:02:11,760 # Live for the night! 40 00:02:11,760 --> 00:02:13,400 # Live for the night! 41 00:02:13,400 --> 00:02:17,400 # Lay down your feelers now It's time to re-ignite! 42 00:02:18,320 --> 00:02:22,240 # Live for the night! Live for the night! 43 00:02:22,240 --> 00:02:26,080 # Trust all the monsters now Your star is shining bright 44 00:02:26,080 --> 00:02:27,120 # Bring it on 45 00:02:27,120 --> 00:02:29,400 # Ah, ah, ah, ah! # Live for the night! 46 00:02:29,400 --> 00:02:31,760 # Ah, ah, ah, ah! # Re-ignite! 47 00:02:31,760 --> 00:02:33,760 # Ah, ah, ah, ah! # Live for the night! # 48 00:02:33,760 --> 00:02:35,360 Ah, Andy, calm down. WHEEZING 49 00:02:35,360 --> 00:02:37,640 Andy, stop humping the fixtures. PANTING 50 00:02:37,640 --> 00:02:40,200 What is this? Where am I? What's happening? 51 00:02:40,200 --> 00:02:42,840 It's OK, calm down. You're in the second series. 52 00:02:42,840 --> 00:02:45,080 We got another series? 53 00:02:45,080 --> 00:02:48,000 Yeah! We're in a coffee shop this time. 54 00:02:48,000 --> 00:02:51,600 Hmph! Sounds like the setting for a boring sitcom to me. 55 00:02:51,600 --> 00:02:54,520 I've already been over this. It's not gonna be. I've put a twist on it. 56 00:02:54,520 --> 00:02:57,240 It's basically a coffee shop on the edge of a volcano in Hawaii. 57 00:02:57,240 --> 00:02:58,640 Check it out. 58 00:03:03,960 --> 00:03:07,200 I'm not sure that putting a coffee shop on the edge of a volcano 59 00:03:07,200 --> 00:03:08,280 is such a good idea. 60 00:03:08,280 --> 00:03:12,280 Why not? I foresee trouble. 61 00:03:12,920 --> 00:03:15,680 Oh, Andy, stop being such a square! 62 00:03:15,680 --> 00:03:17,920 You know it's cool that we're all in Hawaii. 63 00:03:17,920 --> 00:03:20,400 You're just freaking out cos you don't wanna wear shorts. 64 00:03:20,400 --> 00:03:21,960 I hate shorts. 65 00:03:21,960 --> 00:03:24,600 I know you do. No-one's gonna make you wear shorts, Andy. 66 00:03:24,600 --> 00:03:26,040 It's fine. Smooth? 67 00:03:26,040 --> 00:03:28,240 How are you feeling about the whole Hawaiian vibe? 68 00:03:28,240 --> 00:03:30,320 It's a bit of a weird location for a new business. 69 00:03:30,320 --> 00:03:32,600 I mean, you're new to the service industry as it is. 70 00:03:32,600 --> 00:03:35,280 Who are you? Deborah Meaden? 71 00:03:35,280 --> 00:03:37,480 No, I'm not. But can you keep it down? 72 00:03:37,480 --> 00:03:39,400 She's sitting over there with Peanut Jones. 73 00:03:39,400 --> 00:03:41,520 I think it's Peter Jones. 74 00:03:41,520 --> 00:03:44,360 Oh, no, you're right. That is Peanut Jones. 75 00:03:49,480 --> 00:03:53,160 OK, yeah, let's talk about who's doing what. Smooth, 76 00:03:53,160 --> 00:03:54,640 you'll be making the coffee. 77 00:03:54,640 --> 00:03:58,360 I'm the fastest in the business. How fast are you, exactly? 78 00:03:58,360 --> 00:03:59,640 Smooth! 79 00:03:59,640 --> 00:04:01,320 That is pretty fast. 80 00:04:01,320 --> 00:04:03,760 Andy, I see you as front of house. 81 00:04:03,760 --> 00:04:07,760 Why? Just think you're gonna really get on well with the general public. 82 00:04:10,480 --> 00:04:13,400 Oh, actually, sorry, could I have a bit less froth on that, please? 83 00:04:13,400 --> 00:04:16,080 # Let down your feelers now It's time to re-ignite... # 84 00:04:16,080 --> 00:04:18,640 Ppffh! OK! 85 00:04:18,640 --> 00:04:20,360 And what about you? 86 00:04:20,360 --> 00:04:23,320 Well, you know, I'm the captain of the ship, the face of Luxury Coffee. 87 00:04:23,320 --> 00:04:25,760 In fact, I've done an ad campaign. It's pretty exciting. 88 00:04:25,760 --> 00:04:28,800 There's billboards all round the island. Ha-ha! Check this out. 89 00:04:28,800 --> 00:04:31,160 # Sitting in Hawaii Drinking up a coffee 90 00:04:31,160 --> 00:04:35,160 # Sip on the froth and suck my beans. # 91 00:04:35,560 --> 00:04:39,560 OK, any weird stuff off the internet that we can get involved in? 92 00:04:39,800 --> 00:04:41,600 Yeah, there's the new Paul Panfer film. 93 00:04:41,600 --> 00:04:43,440 Love Paul Panfer! Ah, me too. 94 00:04:43,440 --> 00:04:45,120 Yes, he's an internet sensation. 95 00:04:45,120 --> 00:04:47,560 I tell you, Paul Panfer's gone from strength to strength 96 00:04:47,560 --> 00:04:50,320 since he started remaking Elvis films on his mobile phone. 97 00:04:50,320 --> 00:04:52,040 Ha! Yeah, he's remade Blue Hawaii. 98 00:04:52,040 --> 00:04:56,040 Look, it's already got nine million hits. 99 00:05:00,041 --> 00:05:02,519 100 00:05:02,520 --> 00:05:05,440 Yeah! 101 00:05:05,440 --> 00:05:09,040 Blaw Hawaweeee. 102 00:05:09,040 --> 00:05:12,560 Wow, I've never seen waves so dramatic. 103 00:05:12,560 --> 00:05:16,080 I know. You would have to be a madman to go surfing today. 104 00:05:16,080 --> 00:05:18,640 Those waves must be 50 foot tall. 105 00:05:18,640 --> 00:05:20,920 100 foot tall at least. 106 00:05:20,920 --> 00:05:22,680 Have you called the girls? 107 00:05:22,680 --> 00:05:25,600 No. Why not? 108 00:05:25,600 --> 00:05:28,040 Cos I don't know them and nor do you. 109 00:05:28,040 --> 00:05:31,120 Don't... Don't mention it again. 110 00:05:31,120 --> 00:05:33,800 Oh, my God. Look! 111 00:05:33,800 --> 00:05:35,680 It can't be. 112 00:05:35,680 --> 00:05:37,880 I see someone out there. 113 00:05:37,880 --> 00:05:40,800 It's... It is. It's Paul Panfer! 114 00:05:40,800 --> 00:05:42,320 Whoa! 115 00:05:49,000 --> 00:05:50,680 Look at him go, man. 116 00:05:50,680 --> 00:05:53,280 He's so reckless! It's like he just doesn't care. 117 00:05:53,280 --> 00:05:55,760 He doesn't care! 118 00:05:55,760 --> 00:05:59,040 He's a maverick. You know why he doesn't care? 119 00:05:59,040 --> 00:06:03,040 Why? Cos he's Paul Panfer! 120 00:06:05,880 --> 00:06:08,760 # Here comes Paul Panfer Look at Paul Panfer 121 00:06:08,760 --> 00:06:11,000 # He is a panther 122 00:06:11,000 --> 00:06:14,960 # He is a panther I am a panther 123 00:06:14,960 --> 00:06:17,840 # Hey, I'm Paul Panfer... SLURPS 124 00:06:17,840 --> 00:06:19,640 # ..Shake it, Paul Panfer, 125 00:06:19,640 --> 00:06:23,640 # Shake it Paul Panfer, shake it, Paul Panfer 126 00:06:23,960 --> 00:06:25,840 # Shake it, Paul Panfer 127 00:06:25,840 --> 00:06:28,560 # He is a panther He is a panther... # 128 00:06:28,560 --> 00:06:29,920 Oh, fuck. 129 00:06:29,920 --> 00:06:31,760 # ...Shake it, Paul Panfer 130 00:06:31,760 --> 00:06:35,760 # Looks like a panther He is a panther 131 00:06:36,080 --> 00:06:38,640 # Shake it, Paul Panfer Looks like a panther... # 132 00:06:38,640 --> 00:06:42,640 SLURPS # He's like a panther... # 133 00:06:46,480 --> 00:06:49,680 No! 134 00:06:51,040 --> 00:06:54,080 I'm so hot for Paul Panfer right now. 135 00:06:54,080 --> 00:06:56,480 Paul Panfer is my new muse. 136 00:06:56,480 --> 00:06:58,520 I've invented a special Paul Panfer coffee. 137 00:06:58,520 --> 00:07:00,520 Have you? It's more than a coffee. 138 00:07:00,520 --> 00:07:02,080 It's an experience, really. 139 00:07:02,080 --> 00:07:04,080 It's amazing. Wow! 140 00:07:04,080 --> 00:07:06,680 The froth smells like the ocean. 141 00:07:06,680 --> 00:07:08,960 Got a tiny sugar sculpture of Paul. PAUL: Basoo! 142 00:07:08,960 --> 00:07:12,960 And if you want extra milk, you squeeze it out of this blue tit. 143 00:07:14,160 --> 00:07:16,080 Andy, put it on the specials board. 144 00:07:16,080 --> 00:07:19,200 Aye aye, Captain. 145 00:07:19,200 --> 00:07:21,640 # Sitting in Hawaii Drinking up a coffee 146 00:07:21,640 --> 00:07:24,520 # Sip on the froth and suck my beans. # 147 00:07:26,880 --> 00:07:28,440 What are you doing? 148 00:07:28,440 --> 00:07:30,400 Just writing a letter to Paul Panfer. 149 00:07:30,400 --> 00:07:33,080 Let me see. No, it's personal. 150 00:07:33,080 --> 00:07:35,680 Get off! What you doing? I'm just gonna have a little look. 151 00:07:35,680 --> 00:07:38,280 You can't just read a letter from one man to his hero! 152 00:07:38,280 --> 00:07:41,680 "Dear Paul Panfer, loved your latest film, Blaw Hawaweeee. 153 00:07:41,680 --> 00:07:44,720 "I myself run a coffee shop in Hawaii, 154 00:07:44,720 --> 00:07:47,680 "so if you fancy popping in, you can have free coffee. 155 00:07:47,680 --> 00:07:51,680 "In fact, I've invented a coffee in your honour." 156 00:07:51,960 --> 00:07:53,480 Sorry about that. 157 00:07:53,480 --> 00:07:57,480 "I think we might be kindred spirits and could easily be best friends. 158 00:07:57,520 --> 00:07:59,800 "Love you a little bit, Noel. 159 00:07:59,800 --> 00:08:02,280 "PS, I'm writing this in the nude." 160 00:08:02,280 --> 00:08:04,280 Yeah, all right! 161 00:08:04,280 --> 00:08:07,600 That is possibly the most embarrassing letter I've ever seen. 162 00:08:07,600 --> 00:08:09,120 Well, no-one asked you to read it. 163 00:08:09,120 --> 00:08:11,840 Why don't you just keep your big German nose out? 164 00:08:11,840 --> 00:08:15,000 What is wrong with you? Why are you so uncool? 165 00:08:15,000 --> 00:08:18,400 I mean, besides, he's not gonna respond to this, Noel. 166 00:08:18,400 --> 00:08:20,280 Well, he might do. He might come round. 167 00:08:20,280 --> 00:08:22,240 No, that's the whole point of Paul Panfer. 168 00:08:22,240 --> 00:08:24,840 He doesn't care about this stuff, you know. 169 00:08:24,840 --> 00:08:26,640 And anyway, he can't even read. 170 00:08:26,640 --> 00:08:28,880 Well, he must have people around him who can read. 171 00:08:28,880 --> 00:08:30,800 I doubt it. Anyway, look, it's up to me. 172 00:08:30,800 --> 00:08:33,320 If I want to write a letter to Paul Panfer, I will, 173 00:08:33,320 --> 00:08:36,320 and I think he might read this and be touched by my words 174 00:08:36,320 --> 00:08:38,400 and I think he might pop round. Do you? 175 00:08:38,400 --> 00:08:42,400 Right, this is urgent. Post that to Paul Panfer's house. 176 00:08:46,960 --> 00:08:49,080 Hello? SECRET PETER: All right, Noel? 177 00:08:49,080 --> 00:08:50,280 Ha-ha! All right, Peter. 178 00:08:50,280 --> 00:08:53,400 Who is it? Secret Peter, my landlord. 179 00:08:53,400 --> 00:08:57,400 Listen, there's a bit of a problem with the coffee shop. 180 00:08:57,520 --> 00:08:59,480 What do you mean? 181 00:08:59,480 --> 00:09:02,760 Well, like you can't just put a coffee shop in Hawaii 182 00:09:02,760 --> 00:09:04,760 on the edge of a volcano. 183 00:09:06,560 --> 00:09:10,520 Why not? Well, cos like it's sacred land, innit? 184 00:09:10,520 --> 00:09:12,560 Like you've upset the locals. 185 00:09:12,560 --> 00:09:13,720 What locals? 186 00:09:13,720 --> 00:09:16,440 The cast of Magnum PI. 187 00:09:16,440 --> 00:09:18,440 They're outside in the shop now. 188 00:09:18,440 --> 00:09:22,440 Why don't you have a look, if you've got binoculars at hand? 189 00:09:29,520 --> 00:09:33,040 GROWLS Easy, Magnum. 190 00:09:33,040 --> 00:09:34,600 My God, they look furious! 191 00:09:34,600 --> 00:09:37,480 They are furious, cos you offended them 192 00:09:37,480 --> 00:09:40,120 and you've offended their volcano. 193 00:09:40,120 --> 00:09:41,640 Right. So, what am I gonna do? 194 00:09:41,640 --> 00:09:43,880 You're gonna do the right thing, Noel. 195 00:09:43,880 --> 00:09:47,880 You're gonna have to sacrifice someone to the volcano 196 00:09:47,960 --> 00:09:49,720 to make it right again. 197 00:09:49,720 --> 00:09:51,280 Yeah? What if I don't? 198 00:09:51,280 --> 00:09:55,280 Well, if you don't, they said they're gonna sacrifice you. 199 00:09:58,120 --> 00:09:59,920 Blimey! 200 00:09:59,920 --> 00:10:03,920 Yeah, they're gonna luz you in the hole like a chicken wishbone. 201 00:10:05,600 --> 00:10:09,600 Hey, Noel, you can't just put a coffee shop on a volcano. 202 00:10:09,720 --> 00:10:11,880 I've already told him that, ain't I? 203 00:10:11,880 --> 00:10:15,680 What do you think the purpose of this phone call is? 204 00:10:15,680 --> 00:10:18,040 You think we're just talking about flowers? 205 00:10:18,040 --> 00:10:21,360 Why don't you go and do something useful like the Pot Noodles? 206 00:10:21,360 --> 00:10:25,160 I'm doing 'em! I just put the water in and I'm letting 'em stand. 207 00:10:25,160 --> 00:10:28,040 Don't make mine too watery again. 208 00:10:28,040 --> 00:10:32,040 If I wanted soup, I'd go get soup, you hear me? 209 00:10:40,240 --> 00:10:41,560 Who dat? 210 00:10:41,560 --> 00:10:43,160 That's Danny DeVito. 211 00:10:43,160 --> 00:10:46,080 Ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha! Where's he going? 212 00:10:46,080 --> 00:10:47,520 Magaluf. 213 00:10:49,560 --> 00:10:52,120 Yeah, as much as I'm enjoying The Pot Noodle Monologues, 214 00:10:52,120 --> 00:10:55,800 I should probably go and deal with the locals. 215 00:11:05,800 --> 00:11:08,440 'It's a film!' 216 00:11:08,440 --> 00:11:11,000 It's not big enough to swing a cat in here. 217 00:11:11,000 --> 00:11:14,360 What's wrong with you? Go to sleep. 218 00:11:14,360 --> 00:11:16,800 I can't go to sleep. 219 00:11:16,800 --> 00:11:20,640 It's a big night tonight. Paul Panfer's breaking out. 220 00:11:20,640 --> 00:11:22,760 Paul Panfer's not breaking out! 221 00:11:22,760 --> 00:11:26,000 He is too. He's gonna break out. 222 00:11:26,000 --> 00:11:29,560 He's gonna concentrate on his musical career. 223 00:11:29,560 --> 00:11:32,640 He has a good voice. 224 00:11:32,640 --> 00:11:36,440 He says he's gonna get out, wait till things settle down, 225 00:11:36,440 --> 00:11:40,360 and then maybe in, like, five years, come back for me. 226 00:11:40,360 --> 00:11:44,360 He's not coming back for you! He doesn't even know you, huh? 227 00:11:44,600 --> 00:11:47,840 You just saw him once in the rec room playing table tennis. 228 00:11:47,840 --> 00:11:50,200 You said hello to him. He just walked away. 229 00:11:50,200 --> 00:11:54,200 You say that but, as he walked away, I heard him say really quietly, 230 00:11:55,400 --> 00:11:58,760 "I'm coming back for you... in five years." 231 00:11:58,760 --> 00:12:02,280 At the time, I didn't know what he was talking about, 232 00:12:02,280 --> 00:12:05,120 but it all makes sense now. 233 00:12:05,120 --> 00:12:07,640 Paul Panfer's not getting out of here! 234 00:12:07,640 --> 00:12:10,320 No-one's getting out of here! 235 00:12:12,360 --> 00:12:14,720 What's that noise? 236 00:12:14,720 --> 00:12:18,240 That's the sound the alarm makes when someone's getting out of here. 237 00:12:19,640 --> 00:12:21,360 Look, it's Paul Panfer. 238 00:12:21,360 --> 00:12:25,040 He's surfing his way to freedom on the back of a laundry truck. 239 00:12:29,480 --> 00:12:33,480 Don't forget to concentrate on your music, Paul Panfer! 240 00:12:45,560 --> 00:12:48,400 The fuck. Means we can get out of here. Ha-ha-ha! 241 00:12:48,400 --> 00:12:50,560 This stuff's made of nothing. Come on, let's go! 242 00:12:50,560 --> 00:12:53,800 Let's get the fuck out of here! Paul, wait for us! 243 00:12:53,800 --> 00:12:55,120 Wait! Wait for us, Paul! 244 00:12:55,120 --> 00:12:59,120 We're coming for you! Oh, fucking hell! 245 00:12:59,400 --> 00:13:01,840 Incredible. Mm. 246 00:13:01,840 --> 00:13:04,160 That is his best film. 247 00:13:04,160 --> 00:13:06,520 What's wrong with you? Have you gone off Paul Panfer? 248 00:13:06,520 --> 00:13:08,720 No, of course I haven't gone off Paul Panfer. 249 00:13:08,720 --> 00:13:10,680 I've just got a lot on my mind, haven't I? 250 00:13:10,680 --> 00:13:14,680 Ah, the volcano sacrifice. 251 00:13:16,360 --> 00:13:18,400 Time's running out, old chap. 252 00:13:20,840 --> 00:13:22,760 Well, just make a decision, why don't you? 253 00:13:22,760 --> 00:13:26,200 It's not that simple, is it? Just get rid of Roy Circles. 254 00:13:26,200 --> 00:13:28,520 I am Roy Circles! 255 00:13:28,520 --> 00:13:31,720 I'm the king of my own packet! 256 00:13:31,720 --> 00:13:34,080 Can't get rid of Roy Circles, can I? 257 00:13:34,080 --> 00:13:37,320 He's a schoolteacher. What about the children's futures? 258 00:13:37,320 --> 00:13:38,720 Noel, he's not a schoolteacher. 259 00:13:38,720 --> 00:13:42,720 He's a chocolate biscuit who thinks he's a schoolteacher. 260 00:13:42,880 --> 00:13:44,880 I suppose I could sacrifice him. 261 00:13:44,880 --> 00:13:47,600 Just dunk him in the volcano like it was a big cup of tea. 262 00:13:47,600 --> 00:13:49,240 Yeah, just snap him up and chuck him in. 263 00:13:49,240 --> 00:13:52,240 What? Just snap him up and chuck him in. 264 00:13:52,240 --> 00:13:54,320 Noel, there's nothing more I'd like to do 265 00:13:54,320 --> 00:13:56,160 than sacrifice myself to a volcano. 266 00:13:56,160 --> 00:13:59,840 I dream of being reunited with my wife. 267 00:13:59,840 --> 00:14:03,840 Unfortunately, though, it is sports day tomorrow! 268 00:14:04,320 --> 00:14:08,200 The most important day for a PE teacher! 269 00:14:08,200 --> 00:14:12,200 And, even if I say it myself, we are red-hot favourites this year! 270 00:14:12,560 --> 00:14:16,560 We have got, from the African exchange programme, 271 00:14:16,560 --> 00:14:19,560 Stephen Caheely in the 10,000 metres! 272 00:14:19,560 --> 00:14:22,640 If he doesn't win, I'll eat my own whistle! 273 00:14:22,640 --> 00:14:26,640 And our secret weapon all the way from south London, Ian Hartfield! 274 00:14:27,360 --> 00:14:30,160 Although only seven years old and 18 stone, 275 00:14:30,160 --> 00:14:34,160 he can shift a javelin like it was an HB pencil! 276 00:14:34,320 --> 00:14:38,320 Ha-ha! Who saw that coming for the chubby Tooting maestro? 277 00:14:39,840 --> 00:14:43,760 Ah, Roy, I could never sacrifice you. 278 00:14:43,760 --> 00:14:47,760 No, you couldn't. If you want my advice, I'd probably do Tony Reason. 279 00:14:48,560 --> 00:14:52,280 Why? Well, he's a fish, ain't he? Fuck him! 280 00:14:52,280 --> 00:14:54,720 Ha-ha! Roy. 281 00:15:05,760 --> 00:15:07,360 Oh! All right, Tony? 282 00:15:07,360 --> 00:15:09,560 Before you even open your mouth, can I just say 283 00:15:09,560 --> 00:15:12,160 I was the first character you invented for this show? 284 00:15:12,160 --> 00:15:13,200 Yeah, I know. 285 00:15:13,200 --> 00:15:15,640 Yeah, and because of that you've got a soft spot for me, 286 00:15:15,640 --> 00:15:17,600 a bit like a first-born child. 287 00:15:17,600 --> 00:15:20,200 That's true. Plus, how many other shows do you know 288 00:15:20,200 --> 00:15:23,360 that have got a talking manta ray who's a music producer in them? 289 00:15:23,360 --> 00:15:26,360 I know. All right, I can't sacrifice you. I'm aware of that. 290 00:15:26,360 --> 00:15:28,320 Plus, I'm the only character in the show 291 00:15:28,320 --> 00:15:30,800 with any sort of cultural integrity, 292 00:15:30,800 --> 00:15:34,160 which moves me on swiftly to my next point, Paul Panfer. 293 00:15:34,160 --> 00:15:36,320 What about Paul Panfer? Awful. 294 00:15:36,320 --> 00:15:37,760 Never seen so much bilge, 295 00:15:37,760 --> 00:15:40,920 going around ruining the reputation of Elvis Presley. 296 00:15:40,920 --> 00:15:43,400 I love Paul Panfer. Shoddy remakes. 297 00:15:43,400 --> 00:15:46,080 Elvis must be spinning in his grave, quite literally. 298 00:15:46,080 --> 00:15:49,880 Well, the thing is, Tone, the kids dig Paul Panfer, you know? 299 00:15:49,880 --> 00:15:52,840 He's an internet sensation. Can't fight progress. 300 00:15:52,840 --> 00:15:54,800 Well, if that's what the kids are digging, 301 00:15:54,800 --> 00:15:56,080 I don't want any part of it. 302 00:15:56,080 --> 00:15:58,920 Come on, that's not true. Everyone knows you're down with the kids. 303 00:15:58,920 --> 00:16:00,640 You work with Rizzle Kicks, don't you? 304 00:16:00,640 --> 00:16:02,760 Rizzle Kicks live in the same street as me, 305 00:16:02,760 --> 00:16:06,640 so occasionally I pay them some extra pocket money to clean my car. 306 00:16:06,640 --> 00:16:09,040 It's not really the same thing, is it? No, I suppose. 307 00:16:09,040 --> 00:16:12,640 What am I gonna do? I've got to sacrifice someone. 308 00:16:12,640 --> 00:16:15,560 Well, if you want my opinion, I'd sacrifice New York Cop. 309 00:16:15,560 --> 00:16:16,720 Really? Why? 310 00:16:16,720 --> 00:16:20,240 Well, he's American, isn't he? Not the same as us, are they? 311 00:16:20,240 --> 00:16:24,240 Bit racist. 312 00:16:28,560 --> 00:16:31,360 HE TUTS Look, the thing is, Raymond... 313 00:16:31,360 --> 00:16:34,600 HE SIGHS ...you know, the locals have really forced my hand 314 00:16:34,600 --> 00:16:37,600 and someone's gonna have to be sacrificed to the volcano, 315 00:16:37,600 --> 00:16:40,360 and unfortunately that someone is you. 316 00:16:40,360 --> 00:16:42,800 Let me tell you something about Hawaii. It has the highest 317 00:16:42,800 --> 00:16:45,120 crime rate in the world. Are you aware of that? Really? 318 00:16:45,120 --> 00:16:47,920 Oh, yeah. Very bad place, very bad place. 319 00:16:47,920 --> 00:16:51,560 You take me out of the equation, who's gonna police the area? 320 00:16:51,560 --> 00:16:54,920 I predict very bad things, very bad things indeed. 321 00:16:54,920 --> 00:16:58,920 What kind of things? Parking offences. Fraud. Robbery. 322 00:16:59,080 --> 00:17:01,800 The other day, the Mayor was kidnapped in broad daylight, 323 00:17:01,800 --> 00:17:03,520 taken back to some guy's shed 324 00:17:03,520 --> 00:17:07,080 and forced to drink Tizer at knife-point. 325 00:17:07,080 --> 00:17:09,520 Three cans! Three cans, I tell you! 326 00:17:09,520 --> 00:17:12,400 The guy was full and gassy, too. 327 00:17:12,400 --> 00:17:15,600 Well, I had no idea that Hawaii was so dangerous. 328 00:17:15,600 --> 00:17:16,800 Oh, yeah. 329 00:17:16,800 --> 00:17:18,360 And with me out of the equation, 330 00:17:18,360 --> 00:17:20,720 there'll be no-one left to solve these crimes. 331 00:17:20,720 --> 00:17:24,720 What about Magnum, you fat son of a bitch? 332 00:17:24,840 --> 00:17:26,560 Jesus, I forgot about Magnum! 333 00:17:26,560 --> 00:17:29,200 OK, um...take Hooper! He's hopeless anyway! 334 00:17:29,200 --> 00:17:32,560 HOOPER: Oh, I can't believe you'd sell me down the river like that. 335 00:17:32,560 --> 00:17:33,720 Where is Hooper? 336 00:17:33,720 --> 00:17:36,800 Hooper likes to ride in the trunk. He feels better in there. 337 00:17:36,800 --> 00:17:40,800 OK. The thing is, it's Magnum that's the problem, you know? 338 00:17:40,960 --> 00:17:43,000 He's one of the locals. He's the main local. 339 00:17:43,000 --> 00:17:45,080 You know I went to rookie college with him? 340 00:17:45,080 --> 00:17:47,640 Hooper! Went to rookie college with Magnum, didn't I? 341 00:17:47,640 --> 00:17:48,680 Don't answer that! 342 00:17:48,680 --> 00:17:50,840 I went to rookie college with that guy, 343 00:17:50,840 --> 00:17:54,480 ah...before he turned his back on the force and became a PI. 344 00:17:54,480 --> 00:17:55,520 I hated him. 345 00:17:55,520 --> 00:17:59,520 You were jealous of him cos you look like him, only a fatter version! 346 00:18:00,600 --> 00:18:01,640 You shut up. 347 00:18:01,640 --> 00:18:04,840 HOOPER: Ha-ha! Plus he dated Mrs Boombox before you did. 348 00:18:04,840 --> 00:18:06,120 Everyone knows that. 349 00:18:06,120 --> 00:18:08,240 OK, look! Now, let's get one thing clear. 350 00:18:08,240 --> 00:18:09,920 They went on one date together 351 00:18:09,920 --> 00:18:12,680 in the daytime to the boat propeller museum, OK? 352 00:18:12,680 --> 00:18:15,600 And they only held hands for like, two seconds, maximum! 353 00:18:15,600 --> 00:18:18,080 Mrs Boombox assures me of those facts! 354 00:18:18,080 --> 00:18:20,360 In fact, she offered to take a lie-detector test! 355 00:18:20,360 --> 00:18:23,240 I'm sure she did. All right, look, I'll do a deal with you. 356 00:18:23,240 --> 00:18:25,520 You take care of Magnum and the locals, yeah, 357 00:18:25,520 --> 00:18:28,800 and I won't sacrifice you or trunk boy. 358 00:18:28,800 --> 00:18:30,400 OK, I'll take the case. 359 00:18:30,400 --> 00:18:31,600 Great, but can you hurry up, 360 00:18:31,600 --> 00:18:34,280 cos there's, like, seven minutes until the end of the episode? 361 00:18:34,280 --> 00:18:37,480 I'm just waiting for you to leave and then I will snap into action. 362 00:18:37,480 --> 00:18:38,800 Bye. 363 00:18:43,240 --> 00:18:45,080 Hooper, has he gone? Fuck you, fat man. 364 00:18:45,080 --> 00:18:48,480 OK, let's watch Paul Panfer films. 365 00:18:48,480 --> 00:18:51,360 MUSIC PLAYS # Pick up a Panfer! # 366 00:18:51,360 --> 00:18:55,360 I love this guy. He is an internet sensation. Ha-ha! 367 00:18:57,520 --> 00:18:59,440 What's wrong with you? 368 00:18:59,440 --> 00:19:00,480 I couldn't do it. 369 00:19:00,480 --> 00:19:03,560 I couldn't sacrifice Tony Reason or New York Cop. 370 00:19:03,560 --> 00:19:05,200 I mean, I love those guys. Noel. 371 00:19:05,200 --> 00:19:07,240 I think I know why you couldn't do it. 372 00:19:07,240 --> 00:19:08,520 Why? 373 00:19:08,520 --> 00:19:10,760 It is because you play those characters. 374 00:19:10,760 --> 00:19:12,960 It'd be like killing a part of yourself. 375 00:19:12,960 --> 00:19:15,280 I never looked at it like that. Mm. 376 00:19:15,280 --> 00:19:19,280 HE SIGHS If I can't sacrifice a character I play, who does that leave? 377 00:19:22,320 --> 00:19:23,400 Oh, you three. 378 00:19:23,400 --> 00:19:26,600 Well done, Andy. Oh, you tit. 379 00:19:26,600 --> 00:19:27,920 No, don't blame me. 380 00:19:27,920 --> 00:19:30,360 No, I'm not the one that put the coffee shop on the volcano. 381 00:19:30,360 --> 00:19:31,520 I warned him. 382 00:19:31,520 --> 00:19:33,000 There's only one tit here, 383 00:19:33,000 --> 00:19:36,080 and it's that tit there, the tit with the hair! 384 00:19:36,080 --> 00:19:40,080 Yeah, OK. Look, the thing is, somebody's got to be sacrificed, OK? 385 00:19:40,680 --> 00:19:42,840 I'm gonna interview you three and make a decision. 386 00:19:42,840 --> 00:19:46,840 I mean, come on, it could be fun, like The Hawaiian Apprentice. 387 00:19:47,680 --> 00:19:51,680 Yeah, no-one dies in The Apprentice, Noel. 388 00:19:55,200 --> 00:19:59,200 OK, Smooth, why shouldn't I sacrifice you? 389 00:19:59,600 --> 00:20:01,760 Well, firstly, I do all the work in the coffee shop, 390 00:20:01,760 --> 00:20:03,280 plus we're brothers in real life, 391 00:20:03,280 --> 00:20:05,800 so if you did sacrifice me, Mum would kill you. 392 00:20:05,800 --> 00:20:07,720 That is true. Andy? 393 00:20:07,720 --> 00:20:10,640 Um...mm. Well, er...on...on Friday, 394 00:20:10,640 --> 00:20:12,480 I'm having a sleepover. You could come. 395 00:20:12,480 --> 00:20:16,000 Picasso will be there, with Miro and Salvador Dali. 396 00:20:16,000 --> 00:20:17,120 Really? 397 00:20:17,120 --> 00:20:20,320 Yes, the Spanish boys. 398 00:20:20,320 --> 00:20:23,000 Right. And what sort of things would we be getting up to? 399 00:20:23,000 --> 00:20:25,320 We'll be eating tapas. 400 00:20:25,320 --> 00:20:27,000 Oh, I love tapas. 401 00:20:27,000 --> 00:20:29,920 Right, Dolly, why shouldn't I sacrifice you? 402 00:20:29,920 --> 00:20:32,800 Please don't sacrifice me, Noel, please! 403 00:20:32,800 --> 00:20:34,720 Please do not sacrifice me. 404 00:20:34,720 --> 00:20:36,320 Please! 405 00:20:36,320 --> 00:20:38,400 Can you stop begging? It's so uncool. 406 00:20:38,400 --> 00:20:40,880 No, that's where you're wrong. Begging's come back in. 407 00:20:40,880 --> 00:20:42,040 I didn't know that. 408 00:20:42,040 --> 00:20:44,080 Exactly. There's lots of things you don't know. 409 00:20:44,080 --> 00:20:46,600 I tell you what's cool and what's not cool. You need me. 410 00:20:46,600 --> 00:20:50,400 OK. So, cool. Tapas. Mum's gonna kill me. 411 00:20:53,960 --> 00:20:57,160 Ah, look, I can't do it. You're my three best friends in the world. 412 00:20:57,160 --> 00:20:59,680 I mean, I can't sacrifice one of you lot. 413 00:20:59,680 --> 00:21:03,680 What are we gonna do? I dunno. Let's just get out of here. 414 00:21:04,520 --> 00:21:07,840 GUN COCKS Hold it right there. 415 00:21:07,840 --> 00:21:10,200 Time's up, I'm afraid, old boy. 416 00:21:16,880 --> 00:21:19,160 OK, you had until the end of the episode 417 00:21:19,160 --> 00:21:21,400 to sacrifice someone to the volcano. 418 00:21:21,400 --> 00:21:22,680 You failed, 419 00:21:22,680 --> 00:21:26,440 so now you and the rest of your staff will all be sacrificed. 420 00:21:28,560 --> 00:21:31,720 This is like the SCUM Manifesto all over again. 421 00:21:31,720 --> 00:21:34,280 SMOOTH: Looks a bit warm in there. 422 00:21:34,280 --> 00:21:38,280 I can't believe this is how I'm gonna die, sacrificed to a volcano. 423 00:21:38,280 --> 00:21:40,280 It's so uncool. 424 00:21:43,400 --> 00:21:44,480 Basoo! 425 00:21:44,480 --> 00:21:48,480 Look, it's Paul Panfer! Must have got my letter. 426 00:21:48,720 --> 00:21:50,440 Paul, over here! 427 00:21:50,440 --> 00:21:52,320 # You are a panther... # 428 00:21:52,320 --> 00:21:54,400 Who are you? What's happening? 429 00:21:57,520 --> 00:21:59,720 Basoo! 430 00:22:02,120 --> 00:22:05,480 Oh, my God! Paul Panfer has fallen into the volcano! 431 00:22:05,480 --> 00:22:09,480 What a dick! 432 00:22:11,920 --> 00:22:13,200 GUN COCKS Freeze! 433 00:22:13,200 --> 00:22:15,320 You're too late. Paul Panfer's already saved us. 434 00:22:15,320 --> 00:22:18,560 Where's Magnum? I think his head is over there. 435 00:22:18,560 --> 00:22:20,760 Mind if I keep this? 436 00:22:20,760 --> 00:22:22,040 What for? 437 00:22:22,040 --> 00:22:25,080 Wear it home, surprise Mrs Boombox. HE GROWLS 438 00:22:25,080 --> 00:22:26,400 That's a bit perverse, innit? 439 00:22:26,400 --> 00:22:29,840 Listen to me, Noel, when you've been married for 25 years, 440 00:22:29,840 --> 00:22:33,000 you do what you gotta do to keep things spicy in the bedroom. 441 00:22:33,000 --> 00:22:35,400 I'm talking boner times. HE GROWLS 442 00:22:35,400 --> 00:22:36,760 Fair enough. 443 00:22:36,760 --> 00:22:38,600 CRASH Oh! What is happening? 444 00:22:40,480 --> 00:22:41,920 Look, it's Paul Panfer! 445 00:22:41,920 --> 00:22:43,840 Basoo! 446 00:22:43,840 --> 00:22:47,840 # Pick up a panther... # 447 00:22:49,640 --> 00:22:53,640 Paul Panfer, you single-handedly kept my legacy alive. 448 00:22:53,960 --> 00:22:56,400 You have re-imagined all my films for a new generation. 449 00:22:56,400 --> 00:22:58,400 I love you, Paul Panfer. 450 00:22:58,400 --> 00:23:01,880 Surf into my arms. Come to Mama, Paul Panfer. Come to Mama. 451 00:23:01,880 --> 00:23:04,640 Basoo! 452 00:23:04,640 --> 00:23:07,840 OTHERS: Basoo! 453 00:23:07,840 --> 00:23:10,880 # Pick up Paul Panfer Pick up Paul Panfer 454 00:23:10,880 --> 00:23:14,000 # He is a panther 455 00:23:14,000 --> 00:23:18,000 # You are a panther, I am a panther We are Paul Panfer 456 00:23:20,000 --> 00:23:22,200 # Shake it, Paul Panfer Move like a panther 457 00:23:22,200 --> 00:23:25,840 # Move like a panther 458 00:23:25,840 --> 00:23:28,360 # Shake it, Paul Panfer Move like a panther 459 00:23:28,360 --> 00:23:31,720 # Move like a panther... # 460 00:23:31,720 --> 00:23:33,920 I'm Danny DeVito. I'm Danny DeVito. 461 00:23:33,920 --> 00:23:36,560 I'm Danny DeVito. I'm... I'm Danny DeVito.