1
00:00:08,960 --> 00:00:10,400
# Ha! It's luxury

2
00:00:11,840 --> 00:00:13,280
# Here it comes, here it comes

3
00:00:13,280 --> 00:00:14,760
# Here it comes again, yeah!

4
00:00:14,760 --> 00:00:15,960
# It's luxury

5
00:00:15,960 --> 00:00:19,960
# Here it comes, here it comes
Here it comes again, yeah

6
00:00:35,840 --> 00:00:38,600
Hi. Welcome to the show.
Got a bit of a confession to make.

7
00:00:38,600 --> 00:00:41,640
Haven't actually written an ending
to this episode. It's fine, though.

8
00:00:41,640 --> 00:00:43,760
I mean, does a story
really have to have

9
00:00:43,760 --> 00:00:45,760
a beginning, a middle and an ending?

10
00:00:45,760 --> 00:00:48,400
Of course it does, Noel.
That's the definition of a story.

11
00:00:48,400 --> 00:00:52,400
Smooth, if this show didn't have
an ending, would you be bothered?

12
00:00:52,400 --> 00:00:53,560
What show?

13
00:00:53,560 --> 00:00:57,000
This show. The show we're making now
for television. Seen the cameras?

14
00:00:57,000 --> 00:00:58,600
Put me down as a maybe.

15
00:00:58,600 --> 00:01:02,360
Ha-ha! See? People are
pretty laid-back around here.

16
00:01:02,360 --> 00:01:04,800
No-one cares
whether there's an ending or not.

17
00:01:04,800 --> 00:01:06,600
Noel! Noel! Noel! There's no ending!

18
00:01:06,600 --> 00:01:09,720
There's no ending. I've looked
everywhere.  Calm down, Andy.

19
00:01:09,720 --> 00:01:11,880
But why have you not written
an ending?

20
00:01:11,880 --> 00:01:13,960
Well, I was quite tired,
plus I had a stitch.

21
00:01:13,960 --> 00:01:17,360
But... But what about the people
who watch this show, the viewers?

22
00:01:17,360 --> 00:01:19,200
What, Terry?

23
00:01:19,200 --> 00:01:22,880
Yes.  He'll be OK. He doesn't mind
whether there's an ending or not.

24
00:01:22,880 --> 00:01:25,840
Have you heard of
the butterfly effect?

25
00:01:25,840 --> 00:01:29,400
Er...not sure.

26
00:01:29,400 --> 00:01:31,600
A butterfly flaps its wings
in Brazil,

27
00:01:31,600 --> 00:01:33,360
causing a hurricane in China.

28
00:01:33,360 --> 00:01:35,200
I have heard of that.
I love that, actually.

29
00:01:35,200 --> 00:01:38,320
Due to my calculations, if you don't
write an ending to the show,

30
00:01:38,320 --> 00:01:41,840
Terry, our only viewer,
will be killed by an asteroid.

31
00:01:41,840 --> 00:01:44,440
In simple terms, Noel...

32
00:01:44,440 --> 00:01:48,400
you are the butterfly.

33
00:01:48,400 --> 00:01:49,960
That's no good,
I hate butterflies.

34
00:01:49,960 --> 00:01:51,760
They're so pretentious.
I prefer moths.

35
00:01:51,760 --> 00:01:54,480
You know, like '70s butterflies,
quite tatty and corduroy.

36
00:01:54,480 --> 00:01:56,400
"Hey, man. What's happening?"
Noel!

37
00:01:56,400 --> 00:01:59,040
I don't think you've understood
the gravity of the situation.

38
00:01:59,040 --> 00:02:01,480
This is not a game of
insect Top Trumps.  Isn't it?

39
00:02:01,480 --> 00:02:02,880
No!  Right.

40
00:02:02,880 --> 00:02:05,280
So, if I don't write
an ending to the show,

41
00:02:05,280 --> 00:02:08,160
Terry, our only viewer, is
going to be killed by an asteroid?

42
00:02:08,160 --> 00:02:12,160
Yes.

43
00:02:16,960 --> 00:02:19,880
Can't believe it. Terry can't die.
I love Terry.

44
00:02:19,880 --> 00:02:23,880
And he's stuck with me through thick
and thin. Remember the DVD signing?

45
00:02:26,880 --> 00:02:29,600
Ha-ha-ha! Terry!
Hey! All right, Noel?

46
00:02:29,600 --> 00:02:30,840
I knew you'd be first.

47
00:02:30,840 --> 00:02:32,760
Hey.  Aw, brilliant.

48
00:02:32,760 --> 00:02:35,680
Ha-ha-ha-ha! There you go, mate.

49
00:02:35,680 --> 00:02:38,600
Aw, brilliant. Best show ever!

50
00:02:38,600 --> 00:02:42,600
See you, Terry.

51
00:02:45,720 --> 00:02:47,320
Who shall I make this out to?

52
00:02:47,320 --> 00:02:50,600
RUSSIAN ACCENT: Er...Vladimir.  Didn't
know we had any fans in Russia.

53
00:02:50,600 --> 00:02:52,760
NORMAL ACCENT: Yeah, there's loads.

54
00:02:52,760 --> 00:02:55,600
There you go, Vladimir.
Ah, cheers, Noel. Er...

55
00:02:55,600 --> 00:02:59,600
RUSSIAN ACCENT: Best show ever.
Ha-ha-ha!

56
00:03:03,360 --> 00:03:05,120
AUSTRALIAN ACCENT:
Hi. My name's Zeus.

57
00:03:05,120 --> 00:03:07,800
Can I, er...can I have
a DVD signed...

58
00:03:07,800 --> 00:03:10,080
signed for my wife, please?

59
00:03:10,080 --> 00:03:13,280
Er...she's called Ian...er...Lucy.

60
00:03:13,280 --> 00:03:15,600
Look, Terry, you don't have to do
this. It's all right.

61
00:03:15,600 --> 00:03:18,640
SIGHS
Listen, Noel...

62
00:03:18,640 --> 00:03:21,000
I've got a bag full of disguises
in a truck outside.

63
00:03:21,000 --> 00:03:22,400
I am not leaving this shop

64
00:03:22,400 --> 00:03:24,880
until all of these DVDs
have been paid for and signed.

65
00:03:24,880 --> 00:03:27,480
LAUGHS
Terry, I love you.

66
00:03:27,480 --> 00:03:30,400
(Best show ever!)

67
00:03:30,400 --> 00:03:32,040
I can't believe he's going to die.

68
00:03:32,040 --> 00:03:34,640
He doesn't have to die.
Just write an ending, why don't you?

69
00:03:34,640 --> 00:03:37,840
Exactly.  I can't write any more.
Why not?

70
00:03:37,840 --> 00:03:40,800
SIGHS
I've got a fantasy block.

71
00:03:43,400 --> 00:03:47,000
Fantasy block? Ha-ha!
What the hell is fantasy block?

72
00:03:47,000 --> 00:03:49,680
It's not a joke for everyone
to have a little chuckle at.

73
00:03:49,680 --> 00:03:51,560
It's a weird strain
of writer's block.

74
00:03:51,560 --> 00:03:53,440
Stops you having fantastical ideas.

75
00:03:53,440 --> 00:03:54,840
You've made that up, Noel.

76
00:03:54,840 --> 00:03:56,800
The thing about fantasy block is

77
00:03:56,800 --> 00:04:00,400
it's not that you can't write
anything, just factual stuff,

78
00:04:00,400 --> 00:04:02,840
and I've tried to write an ending
for the show three times.

79
00:04:02,840 --> 00:04:05,040
All I've come up with
is these car manuals.

80
00:04:05,040 --> 00:04:08,360
VEHICLE SOUNDS HORN
The Vauxhall Viva one's a treat.

81
00:04:08,360 --> 00:04:12,360
And these pamphlets
for the local church on Jesus.

82
00:04:12,480 --> 00:04:15,360
Although they are borderline
fantasy, thinking about it. Ha!

83
00:04:15,360 --> 00:04:19,240
Jesus Christ! Terry is doomed.

84
00:04:19,240 --> 00:04:21,680
Fantasy block?
It's psychological, ain't it?

85
00:04:21,680 --> 00:04:23,640
It's like sexy times.

86
00:04:23,640 --> 00:04:25,400
If you think about it too much,

87
00:04:25,400 --> 00:04:27,800
you can't get any crunch
in your biscuit.

88
00:04:29,560 --> 00:04:32,880
We've all suffered
from soft chocolate, Noel.

89
00:04:32,880 --> 00:04:36,880
Oh! Floppy bourbon.

90
00:04:37,760 --> 00:04:40,440
I know it's psychological,
but what am I going to do about it?

91
00:04:40,440 --> 00:04:44,440
Oh, mm, ah, my friend Salvador Dali
once had fantasy block.  Really?

92
00:04:44,640 --> 00:04:47,280
Yes, for two years,
he could have no fantastical ideas.

93
00:04:47,280 --> 00:04:50,960
So what happened to him?
He was forced to become a rent boy

94
00:04:50,960 --> 00:04:53,920
and eventually contracted syphilis
of the eyes, nose and brain.

95
00:04:53,920 --> 00:04:55,480
Oh...  Brilliant.

96
00:04:55,480 --> 00:04:57,560
OK, well, see you all
at Terry's funeral.

97
00:04:57,560 --> 00:05:01,560
Smooth, you sort out a wreath, yeah?

98
00:05:09,000 --> 00:05:11,360
All right, Tod? Is Tony about?
I need a word with him.

99
00:05:11,360 --> 00:05:14,440
No, he's popped to Pret, hasn't he?
You know, we take turns.

100
00:05:14,440 --> 00:05:16,360
He's gone to get me
my crayfish salad.

101
00:05:16,360 --> 00:05:19,040
He's a vegan, isn't he?
He's so boring with food.

102
00:05:19,040 --> 00:05:21,880
It makes it a nightmare in here.
You can't get anything.

103
00:05:21,880 --> 00:05:24,360
He likes a bit of tofu, don't he?
Oh, I don't understand...

104
00:05:24,360 --> 00:05:27,360
I mean, what is...what are
the constituent parts of tofu?

105
00:05:27,360 --> 00:05:30,800
It's a weird colour, ain't it, tofu?
Well, it's...  Sort of light grey.

106
00:05:30,800 --> 00:05:32,720
I don't know what it is.

107
00:05:32,720 --> 00:05:35,800
Show me the person who can
tell me what the fuck tofu is...

108
00:05:35,800 --> 00:05:37,720
NOEL LAUGHS
..and I'll give them a medal.

109
00:05:37,720 --> 00:05:40,480
Cos no-one knows what it is.
It's just a name.

110
00:05:40,480 --> 00:05:42,120
It's like a shadow.

111
00:05:42,120 --> 00:05:43,800
Anyway, what can I do you for?

112
00:05:43,800 --> 00:05:45,560
I've got a bit of a problem,
actually.

113
00:05:45,560 --> 00:05:47,360
I haven't written an ending
to my show.

114
00:05:47,360 --> 00:05:48,600
Is that a problem? I mean...?

115
00:05:48,600 --> 00:05:52,120
With all due respect, do any of them
have endings? They kind of peter out.

116
00:05:52,120 --> 00:05:53,680
It's not that.

117
00:05:53,680 --> 00:05:56,360
It's just that, you know,
if I don't write an ending,

118
00:05:56,360 --> 00:05:59,400
Terry, our only viewer, is going to
get killed by an asteroid.

119
00:05:59,400 --> 00:06:02,680
All right. In which case,
maybe write an ending.

120
00:06:02,680 --> 00:06:04,640
Yeah, it's not that simple,
is it, Tod?

121
00:06:04,640 --> 00:06:06,600
Right, is it not?
It's not that simple.

122
00:06:06,600 --> 00:06:08,720
I mean, I've got fantasy block.
Fantasy block.

123
00:06:08,720 --> 00:06:10,200
I can't write an ending.

124
00:06:10,200 --> 00:06:13,160
Right. Well, I had a very similar
problem with Chesney Hawkes

125
00:06:13,160 --> 00:06:15,040
back in the day.
He had melody block.

126
00:06:15,040 --> 00:06:18,600
Melody block?  Melody block,
for 21 brutal years.

127
00:06:18,600 --> 00:06:21,880
And I'll say to you exactly
the same thing I said to him.

128
00:06:21,880 --> 00:06:23,880
Put a face to it. Yeah?

129
00:06:23,880 --> 00:06:26,120
Put a face to it?
Put a face to it, Ches.

130
00:06:26,120 --> 00:06:28,640
If you can see it,
then you can beat it.

131
00:06:28,640 --> 00:06:30,920
Visualise it. What kind of fella
are we dealing with?

132
00:06:30,920 --> 00:06:34,920
Draw a picture of it. Then it exists.
Then you can beat it.

133
00:06:35,560 --> 00:06:37,600
Do you know what?
That's quite a good idea.

134
00:06:37,600 --> 00:06:40,440
Yes, well, thank you.  You've been
really helpful. Thanks, Tod.

135
00:06:40,440 --> 00:06:42,520
Just think of it as advice

136
00:06:42,520 --> 00:06:46,520
from a wise, old hammerhead-shark
music producer

137
00:06:46,680 --> 00:06:50,680
to a slightly younger, backward man
such as yourself.

138
00:06:52,120 --> 00:06:54,840
I've gotta go.  Yes, you do.

139
00:06:59,720 --> 00:07:02,760
They ran out of crayfish so I had to
get you a cheese sandwich.

140
00:07:02,760 --> 00:07:05,800
Oh, for God...
Did you at least get some crisps?

141
00:07:05,800 --> 00:07:07,680
Got you some vegetable chips.

142
00:07:07,680 --> 00:07:11,240
Oh, those aren't crisps.
They are not crisps.

143
00:07:11,240 --> 00:07:12,880
I could rustle up a sort of...

144
00:07:12,880 --> 00:07:14,800
Don't say it.  ..tofu burrito?

145
00:07:14,800 --> 00:07:16,080
No!  No?

146
00:07:16,080 --> 00:07:20,080
Not tofu. The day you can tell me
what tofu is, I will eat it.

147
00:07:20,480 --> 00:07:23,320
What is it? What's it made from?

148
00:07:23,320 --> 00:07:26,400
Miracles.

149
00:07:26,400 --> 00:07:28,160
Fuck that noise.

150
00:07:31,920 --> 00:07:35,400
OK. Right, Andy. I'm going to
describe my fantasy block, yeah,

151
00:07:35,400 --> 00:07:36,840
and you're going to visualise it.

152
00:07:36,840 --> 00:07:40,840
OK, I am ready. Describe.
OK, right.

153
00:07:40,840 --> 00:07:43,400
Fantasy block, fantasy block. Ooh.

154
00:07:43,400 --> 00:07:45,160
He's quite big, yeah?
He's quite rotund.

155
00:07:45,160 --> 00:07:47,160
But he looks quite cool.
He's quite stylish.

156
00:07:47,160 --> 00:07:50,360
A bit like a Leigh Bowery creation.
This is good, this is good.

157
00:07:50,360 --> 00:07:52,560
Although he's big,
he's got feminine boots on,

158
00:07:52,560 --> 00:07:54,040
sort of red feminine boots,

159
00:07:54,040 --> 00:07:56,360
and he moves very gracefully,
very light on his feet.

160
00:07:56,360 --> 00:07:58,360
Yeah, I went out with a guy like that
in Hamburg.

161
00:07:58,360 --> 00:08:00,120
A sort of chubby, fashionable mamby.

162
00:08:00,120 --> 00:08:03,040
Had amazing boots,
but turned out to be a dick.

163
00:08:03,040 --> 00:08:04,240
Before or after we went out?

164
00:08:04,240 --> 00:08:07,160
There was a little overlap.
A small overlap?

165
00:08:07,160 --> 00:08:09,360
All right, he's got, erm...
I thought of something.

166
00:08:09,360 --> 00:08:11,880
He's got, erm...pants
made out of council tax bills, yeah?

167
00:08:11,880 --> 00:08:15,880
Ha-ha!  And he's got syringes
for eyes. "Urgh!" Quite sinister.

168
00:08:16,160 --> 00:08:19,920
And, erm...he's got a designer
handbag, a lady's handbag,

169
00:08:19,920 --> 00:08:22,080
and inside it,
if you open up and look inside,

170
00:08:22,080 --> 00:08:24,400
you can see two egg sandwiches
and an eviction notice.

171
00:08:24,400 --> 00:08:27,480
Right, Noel,
I cannot draw inside a handbag.

172
00:08:27,480 --> 00:08:31,360
Ha-ha! Yeah, sorry.  I quite fancy
an egg sandwich.  That's great.

173
00:08:31,360 --> 00:08:33,640
Thing is, right, he's got
two golden hammers, yeah,

174
00:08:33,640 --> 00:08:35,000
and this is the important bit,

175
00:08:35,000 --> 00:08:38,240
and he uses them to smash down
my fantastical ideas.

176
00:08:41,760 --> 00:08:43,080
What a chunky bastard!

177
00:08:43,080 --> 00:08:45,480
LAUGHS
You're not wrong.

178
00:08:45,480 --> 00:08:49,000
Is this him?  Yeah, that's him.

179
00:08:49,000 --> 00:08:53,000
LAUGHS
That's him all right!

180
00:08:54,320 --> 00:08:56,280
Oh, this is ridiculous.

181
00:08:56,280 --> 00:08:57,640
Noel, what's wrong?

182
00:08:57,640 --> 00:09:01,320
No, it's just, you know, Tod said
if I visualise my fantasy block,

183
00:09:01,320 --> 00:09:03,400
you know, if I put a face to it,
it would exist.

184
00:09:03,400 --> 00:09:06,240
Oh, my God, Noel!
I think it does exist.

185
00:09:06,240 --> 00:09:10,240
Well, either that
or it's my ex-boyfriend.

186
00:09:12,200 --> 00:09:15,280
Imagine a mouth with rulers for
legs, measuring stuff as he runs...

187
00:09:15,280 --> 00:09:16,680
No!
DING

188
00:09:16,680 --> 00:09:20,200
Imagine if you could get religious
cordial. It would taste of hymns.

189
00:09:20,200 --> 00:09:22,200
No!
DING

190
00:09:22,200 --> 00:09:24,920
Imagine looking at your penis,
but it's an Indian man's finger.

191
00:09:24,920 --> 00:09:26,200
No!
DING

192
00:09:26,200 --> 00:09:30,200
Oh, my God! I didn't think
he was going to be so big.

193
00:09:30,800 --> 00:09:32,160
Oi, mate!

194
00:09:34,440 --> 00:09:36,400
Stop blocking
all my fantastical ideas!

195
00:09:36,400 --> 00:09:38,600
I need those.
They're all plausible endings.

196
00:09:38,600 --> 00:09:42,480
BALLOONS SQUEAK
Fee, fi, fo, fum!

197
00:09:42,480 --> 00:09:46,480
I smell the fantastical ideas
of an Englishman!

198
00:09:47,520 --> 00:09:51,040
Yeah, great, good for you.
I don't think you understand.

199
00:09:51,040 --> 00:09:52,960
I've put a face to you,
which means you exist,

200
00:09:52,960 --> 00:09:54,320
which means I can destroy you,

201
00:09:54,320 --> 00:09:56,560
leaving me free to write
an ending to the show,

202
00:09:56,560 --> 00:09:58,120
so I can save Terry,
our only viewer,

203
00:09:58,120 --> 00:10:00,120
from being destroyed
by an asteroid. Ha-ha!

204
00:10:02,120 --> 00:10:05,360
Oh, who wrote this show?

205
00:10:05,360 --> 00:10:07,480
Couldn't have been me.
I've got fantasy block.

206
00:10:15,800 --> 00:10:16,960
No!

207
00:10:16,960 --> 00:10:19,560
Imagine being interfered with
by a cockerel with no eyes.

208
00:10:19,560 --> 00:10:21,360
Who would you turn to?  No!

209
00:10:21,360 --> 00:10:23,360
Imagine if you could
taste your dreams.

210
00:10:23,360 --> 00:10:24,560
No!

211
00:10:24,560 --> 00:10:25,960
Imagine rolling up your shadow

212
00:10:25,960 --> 00:10:27,760
and inserting it
into your dad's anus.

213
00:10:27,760 --> 00:10:28,960
No!

214
00:10:28,960 --> 00:10:30,720
Imagine a motorbike
made of jealousy...

215
00:10:30,720 --> 00:10:34,280
'I mean, look at him out there,
smashing up my fantastical ideas.'

216
00:10:34,280 --> 00:10:37,640
It's not on. I'll have to get
in touch with the authorities.

217
00:10:37,640 --> 00:10:39,160
Smooth!

218
00:10:39,160 --> 00:10:40,520
Can you go and get New York Cop?

219
00:10:40,520 --> 00:10:41,960
It's my lunch break.

220
00:10:41,960 --> 00:10:43,960
All right, I've taken care of that.

221
00:10:43,960 --> 00:10:46,520
Made you a little packed lunch.

222
00:10:46,520 --> 00:10:48,560
What's in this?  Ants.

223
00:10:48,560 --> 00:10:49,800
An ant sandwich?

224
00:10:49,800 --> 00:10:51,480
Yeah, with a bit of piccalilli.

225
00:10:51,480 --> 00:10:52,840
Is that what you think I eat?

226
00:10:52,840 --> 00:10:54,400
You're an anteater, aren't you?

227
00:10:54,400 --> 00:10:56,560
Yeah, I've told you before,
I'm mixed-race.

228
00:10:56,560 --> 00:10:58,320
My mum's an anteater, my dad's a man.

229
00:10:58,320 --> 00:11:00,080
No matter how many times
you tell me that,

230
00:11:00,080 --> 00:11:02,800
I can never fully
get my head round it.

231
00:11:02,800 --> 00:11:05,440
And tell New York Cop to come
and arrest Fantasy Block.

232
00:11:05,440 --> 00:11:07,160
Tell him to bring some guns.

233
00:11:07,160 --> 00:11:11,160
Yes, and a Taser for his balls.

234
00:11:25,360 --> 00:11:29,080
Hooper! What about a cheese toastie
out here? I am starving.

235
00:11:29,080 --> 00:11:32,040
No coriander, my friend.
I repeat, no coriander.

236
00:11:32,040 --> 00:11:36,040
Otherwise I'll have you
publically flogged.

237
00:11:36,200 --> 00:11:37,640
All right, Raymond?

238
00:11:37,640 --> 00:11:41,640
Smooth! Have a seat.

239
00:11:42,120 --> 00:11:44,360
You like the reggae music, Smooth?

240
00:11:44,360 --> 00:11:47,120
The deep sounds of the Rasta folk?

241
00:11:47,120 --> 00:11:48,280
I like Lee Scratch Perry.

242
00:11:48,280 --> 00:11:51,480
Lee Scratch Perry and the Upsetters.
I love the Rastas.

243
00:11:51,480 --> 00:11:55,440
Those willowy men, clouded in
a puff of doobie smoke.

244
00:11:55,440 --> 00:11:58,400
How can I help you,
my young, violet friend?

245
00:11:58,400 --> 00:12:00,520
I'm here on behalf of Noel.
He needs your help.

246
00:12:00,520 --> 00:12:02,440
Jesus, what is it this time?

247
00:12:02,440 --> 00:12:04,400
There's a big monster
called Fantasy Block.

248
00:12:04,400 --> 00:12:06,320
A big monster called Fantasy Block.

249
00:12:06,320 --> 00:12:07,400
And?

250
00:12:07,400 --> 00:12:09,560
He's stopping Noel having
any fantastical ideas.

251
00:12:09,560 --> 00:12:11,200
So what does he want me
to do about it?

252
00:12:11,200 --> 00:12:14,080
He wants you to arrest it.
Or shoot it in the face.

253
00:12:14,080 --> 00:12:17,080
I cannot do that. I'm rape and
murder. You know that, Smooth.

254
00:12:17,080 --> 00:12:19,640
Besides, it's good that's
someone's stopping Noel

255
00:12:19,640 --> 00:12:21,040
having fantastical ideas.

256
00:12:21,040 --> 00:12:24,720
Why?  Well, these fantasy people
wandering around in a daydream,

257
00:12:24,720 --> 00:12:26,320
they're a threat to society, Smooth.

258
00:12:26,320 --> 00:12:29,360
Let me give you an example of that.
They make my job a lot harder.

259
00:12:29,360 --> 00:12:31,400
"Hey, you! You pay your taxes!"

260
00:12:31,400 --> 00:12:33,920
"Oh, I can't, I'm making
a canoe out of vultures."

261
00:12:33,920 --> 00:12:36,360
"A canoe out of vultures?
What is this shit?"

262
00:12:36,360 --> 00:12:39,000
Hooper, these fantasy people
wandering around in a daydream,

263
00:12:39,000 --> 00:12:40,520
making canoes out of vultures.

264
00:12:40,520 --> 00:12:42,440
What are they, Hooper?

265
00:12:42,440 --> 00:12:44,120
'Erm, they're a threat to society?'

266
00:12:44,120 --> 00:12:47,160
You're damn right
they're a threat to society.

267
00:12:47,160 --> 00:12:48,880
So that's a no then, is it?

268
00:12:48,880 --> 00:12:50,320
Yeah, it's a no.

269
00:12:50,320 --> 00:12:52,640
What if I was to ask you again?

270
00:12:52,640 --> 00:12:56,640
But maybe this time
slip a little something your way?

271
00:12:58,400 --> 00:13:00,040
What is this, Smooth?

272
00:13:00,040 --> 00:13:01,200
It's an ant sandwich.

273
00:13:01,200 --> 00:13:03,080
An ant sandwich?

274
00:13:03,080 --> 00:13:05,400
Are you trying to bribe
an officer of the law

275
00:13:05,400 --> 00:13:06,680
with an insect baguette?

276
00:13:06,680 --> 00:13:08,640
Not really, I just didn't want it.

277
00:13:08,640 --> 00:13:10,720
OK, Smooth.
We've been friends a long time,

278
00:13:10,720 --> 00:13:12,880
so I'm going to let
this sorry incident pass.

279
00:13:12,880 --> 00:13:14,800
But you better
leave this office right now

280
00:13:14,800 --> 00:13:16,320
and think about what you just did

281
00:13:16,320 --> 00:13:18,240
and the moral implications
of that thing

282
00:13:18,240 --> 00:13:21,760
and the position you put me in.

283
00:13:21,760 --> 00:13:23,000
All right.

284
00:13:23,000 --> 00:13:26,000
You made a mess of our relationship.

285
00:13:26,000 --> 00:13:30,000
Hooper, what about the reggae again?
You pump that into me.

286
00:13:30,680 --> 00:13:34,680
OK, let's see what's going on
with the ant sandwich.

287
00:13:39,920 --> 00:13:43,920
Delicious.

288
00:13:44,320 --> 00:13:46,400
Imagine bread in the shape
of a question mark,

289
00:13:46,400 --> 00:13:48,240
then you could make
"what" sandwiches.

290
00:13:48,240 --> 00:13:49,480
No!

291
00:13:49,480 --> 00:13:52,760
Imagine wearing a hat
under your own hair.  No!

292
00:13:52,760 --> 00:13:55,720
Imagine your hands were so soft,
you try and catch a bubble

293
00:13:55,720 --> 00:13:57,080
and your hands burst.  No!

294
00:13:57,080 --> 00:14:00,120
Imagine a moth pope.  No!  Imagine
a cat pope.  No!  Yeah, but...  No!

295
00:14:00,120 --> 00:14:01,280
Yeah, but imagine...  No!

296
00:14:01,280 --> 00:14:02,760
Imagine inventing the cone.  No!

297
00:14:02,760 --> 00:14:05,160
Imagine.  No!  Imagine.  No!
Imagine.  No!

298
00:14:05,160 --> 00:14:07,320
Imagine.  No!

299
00:14:07,320 --> 00:14:11,320
No! No! No! No!

300
00:14:11,680 --> 00:14:13,800
Imagine a milkshake,
Al-Qaeda flavour.

301
00:14:13,800 --> 00:14:17,800
No!

302
00:14:21,360 --> 00:14:23,200
Where's New York Cop?
He's not coming.

303
00:14:23,200 --> 00:14:25,640
Why not?  He said you're
a threat to society.

304
00:14:25,640 --> 00:14:27,440
A threat to society?

305
00:14:27,440 --> 00:14:30,280
Hear that? I'm a threat to society.

306
00:14:30,280 --> 00:14:32,560
I might start carrying
a blade around, in there.

307
00:14:32,560 --> 00:14:33,960
Noel, what about Terry?

308
00:14:33,960 --> 00:14:37,040
Yeah, that's a good point.
What about Terry?

309
00:14:37,040 --> 00:14:38,720
All right, guys.  Terry?

310
00:14:41,440 --> 00:14:43,240
All right, mate.
How are you?  All right.

311
00:14:43,240 --> 00:14:44,360
Have a seat. Muffin?

312
00:14:44,360 --> 00:14:46,080
No, no. You're all right.

313
00:14:46,080 --> 00:14:50,000
Listen, I've just been watching
this show. It is brilliant.

314
00:14:50,000 --> 00:14:51,040
You're on it now.

315
00:14:51,040 --> 00:14:54,080
Oh, yeah. I suppose I am.

316
00:14:54,080 --> 00:14:56,080
Hey, Noel. Is it all right
if I say hello to Julie

317
00:14:56,080 --> 00:14:57,720
who works with me
at the garden centre?

318
00:14:57,720 --> 00:14:59,480
Yeah, of course.
Use that camera there.

319
00:14:59,480 --> 00:15:01,200
All right.

320
00:15:01,200 --> 00:15:03,720
All right, Julie?

321
00:15:03,720 --> 00:15:04,960
She doesn't watch this show.

322
00:15:04,960 --> 00:15:06,520
Course not, you're our only viewer.

323
00:15:06,520 --> 00:15:08,040
Yeah, she hates it.

324
00:15:08,040 --> 00:15:09,640
Listen, I just thought I'd come down

325
00:15:09,640 --> 00:15:11,920
because I know you've all
been working really hard,

326
00:15:11,920 --> 00:15:13,240
trying to beat Fantasy Block

327
00:15:13,240 --> 00:15:16,040
and write an ending to the show
so I don't get killed by an asteroid.

328
00:15:16,040 --> 00:15:18,640
Of course we are, Terry. We love
you, we don't want you to die.

329
00:15:18,640 --> 00:15:19,880
Aw, thanks.

330
00:15:19,880 --> 00:15:22,560
But listen, don't beat
yourself up about it.

331
00:15:22,560 --> 00:15:24,720
I won't hold it against you.

332
00:15:24,720 --> 00:15:27,840
I love you guys,
and I love this show.

333
00:15:27,840 --> 00:15:30,520
Terry, that is so brave.

334
00:15:30,520 --> 00:15:34,520
I'm so hot for you right now.

335
00:15:34,680 --> 00:15:36,320
Thanks!

336
00:15:36,320 --> 00:15:38,640
Thing is, you see, Noel,

337
00:15:38,640 --> 00:15:42,400
getting hit by an asteroid. That's
a pretty fantastical way to go.

338
00:15:42,400 --> 00:15:44,240
Imagine my gravestone.

339
00:15:44,240 --> 00:15:47,080
"Terry. Killed by an asteroid."

340
00:15:47,080 --> 00:15:48,680
Imagine that? It's perfect.

341
00:15:48,680 --> 00:15:51,960
It's like something out of
one of your shows, isn't it, Noel?

342
00:15:51,960 --> 00:15:53,720
It's that kind of thing.  I know.

343
00:15:53,720 --> 00:15:55,120
So, anyway, I'd better dash.

344
00:15:55,120 --> 00:15:57,160
Oh, come on, Terry,
you can stay for a bit.

345
00:15:57,160 --> 00:15:58,960
No, I borrowed
my brother's van to get here

346
00:15:58,960 --> 00:16:00,600
and he needs it for work
in the morning.

347
00:16:00,600 --> 00:16:02,280
Fair enough.

348
00:16:02,280 --> 00:16:05,240
All right. See you.
Bye, Terry.  See you, Terry.

349
00:16:05,240 --> 00:16:07,160
Oh, one other thing.

350
00:16:07,160 --> 00:16:10,240
I don't mean to speak out of turn,
obviously this is entirely up to you

351
00:16:10,240 --> 00:16:14,240
but, if you did want to save me,
why not ask Fantasy Man to help?

352
00:16:14,400 --> 00:16:17,400
# Fantasy Man, Fantasy Man! #

353
00:16:17,400 --> 00:16:20,040
Oh, you do it better than me.

354
00:16:20,040 --> 00:16:22,120
Best show ever!  Bye, Terry.

355
00:16:22,120 --> 00:16:25,320
See you, Terry.  Bye, Terry.
Thanks for coming, Terry.

356
00:16:25,320 --> 00:16:27,680
Bye.  Terry, see you.

357
00:16:27,680 --> 00:16:29,880
I love Terry. He's adorable.
I know, me too.

358
00:16:29,880 --> 00:16:32,880
People about to die have
such a sexy glow to them.

359
00:16:32,880 --> 00:16:36,360
I know. A doomed man often
makes my orbs fizz.

360
00:16:36,360 --> 00:16:38,640
Yes. Terry is a very sexy man.

361
00:16:38,640 --> 00:16:40,840
But you must phone Fantasy Man
before it's too late.

362
00:16:40,840 --> 00:16:43,120
Yeah, all right. I'll do it.
What are you going to do?

363
00:16:43,120 --> 00:16:45,080
Sanitise the coffee grinder.

364
00:16:45,080 --> 00:16:46,160
Good thinking.

365
00:16:46,160 --> 00:16:47,720
Dolly, could you phone Fantasy Man?

366
00:16:47,720 --> 00:16:48,760
Why me?

367
00:16:48,760 --> 00:16:51,000
Well, you're a woman,
it'd be better coming from you.

368
00:16:51,000 --> 00:16:52,280
A sort of damsel in distress.

369
00:16:52,280 --> 00:16:53,880
That is so sexist.

370
00:16:53,880 --> 00:16:57,200
It's not sexist. He thinks
he's a knight from the 15th century.

371
00:16:57,200 --> 00:16:59,320
OK, I'll do it.  Brilliant.

372
00:16:59,320 --> 00:17:02,040
OK, you're going to have to
couch it in his own terms, yeah?

373
00:17:02,040 --> 00:17:06,040
Keep the dialogue quite medieval.
He only usually takes noble quests.

374
00:17:06,360 --> 00:17:08,480
Couch it in his own terms?
What is this?

375
00:17:08,480 --> 00:17:12,480
Can you stop being sarcastic just
for one moment and do this for me?

376
00:17:25,760 --> 00:17:28,640
Hello? Fantasy Man here,
can I help you?

377
00:17:28,640 --> 00:17:31,160
Yeah, hi, it's, erm,
Princess Dolly,

378
00:17:31,160 --> 00:17:33,840
and I'm calling from
a castle in Hawaii.

379
00:17:33,840 --> 00:17:36,720
Ah, Castle Hawaii. Princess Dolly.

380
00:17:36,720 --> 00:17:39,920
How may I assist you,
sweet fair maiden?

381
00:17:39,920 --> 00:17:43,920
Well, there is an ogre outside
the castle called Fantasy Block.

382
00:17:44,880 --> 00:17:48,120
Fantasy Block? I've never heard
of him. What's he doing, exactly?

383
00:17:48,120 --> 00:17:52,120
Basically he's just being
a total dick.

384
00:17:52,360 --> 00:17:55,240
Don't swear. He hates swearing.
Keep it medieval.

385
00:17:55,240 --> 00:17:59,240
I mean... Help! He's blocking
everyone's fantastical ideas.

386
00:17:59,680 --> 00:18:01,040
Well, we must act fast

387
00:18:01,040 --> 00:18:04,120
and stop this mischief-maker
dead in his tracks.

388
00:18:04,120 --> 00:18:06,360
If he succeeds in blocking
all things fantastical,

389
00:18:06,360 --> 00:18:09,960
he'll waste no time in moving on to
absurdism, and then perhaps whimsy.

390
00:18:09,960 --> 00:18:12,560
Soon enough we'll all be
drowning in a sea of facts.

391
00:18:12,560 --> 00:18:16,560
Drying out on a riverbed of reality.
We certainly can't have that.

392
00:18:17,280 --> 00:18:18,880
So are you going to come?

393
00:18:18,880 --> 00:18:22,880
Yes, of course I'll come.

394
00:18:30,760 --> 00:18:34,760
I'll have to go through
the Triangle Of Destiny.

395
00:18:42,920 --> 00:18:46,920
Look, it's Fantasy Man. He's come
through the Triangle Of Destiny

396
00:18:51,200 --> 00:18:54,200
Yeah, he's come though, all right.
But what's he doing, exactly?

397
00:18:54,200 --> 00:18:55,800
I'd say he was falling.

398
00:18:55,800 --> 00:18:59,360
I'd say he was more plummeting.
Plummeting to a watery grave.

399
00:18:59,360 --> 00:19:02,360
Hang on. There's someone else coming
through the Triangle Of Destiny.

400
00:19:02,360 --> 00:19:04,920
That's Big Chief Woolabum
Boomalackaway.

401
00:19:04,920 --> 00:19:07,280
Who?  Big Chief Woolabum
Boomalackaway.

402
00:19:16,320 --> 00:19:18,240
Where on Earth have you two been?

403
00:19:18,240 --> 00:19:19,960
Just got back from Bestival.

404
00:19:19,960 --> 00:19:22,280
Bestival?  That was two weeks ago.

405
00:19:22,280 --> 00:19:26,280
Yes.

406
00:19:26,560 --> 00:19:29,880
I see that Arnold 5 has a stunning
new pair of Pegasus wings.

407
00:19:29,880 --> 00:19:32,480
Yeah, they're basically
giant-sized rave gloves.

408
00:19:32,480 --> 00:19:35,400
We borrowed them
off my friend Clive.

409
00:19:35,400 --> 00:19:37,840
Good God, how big is
this Clive character?

410
00:19:37,840 --> 00:19:39,520
Same height as me.

411
00:19:39,520 --> 00:19:41,640
HE CHUCKLES
Ah, joyful banter.

412
00:19:41,640 --> 00:19:44,160
Anyway, on with
the business at hand -

413
00:19:44,160 --> 00:19:47,360
namely, destroying one Fantasy Block.

414
00:19:47,360 --> 00:19:49,720
Oh, he's a big man.

415
00:19:49,720 --> 00:19:51,680
Look at the size of his pants.

416
00:19:51,680 --> 00:19:55,080
Right, then. Arnold 5,
prepare the fantasy cannon.

417
00:19:55,080 --> 00:19:59,080
Oh, baby.

418
00:20:02,520 --> 00:20:05,640
Arnold 5, I know the fantasy cannon
is essentially your penis,

419
00:20:05,640 --> 00:20:08,000
but do you have to
make it quite so sexual?

420
00:20:08,000 --> 00:20:11,120
Right, Big Chief, have you
prepared the ammunition?  Yes.

421
00:20:11,120 --> 00:20:15,120
Let's have a look at it.

422
00:20:15,360 --> 00:20:16,840
Ah, perfect.

423
00:20:16,840 --> 00:20:18,480
Pieces of broken rainbow,

424
00:20:18,480 --> 00:20:21,280
fused with the actual shit
of Terry Gilliam.

425
00:20:21,280 --> 00:20:24,040
If that doesn't work,
I'll eat it myself.

426
00:20:24,040 --> 00:20:27,280
Let's lock and load.

427
00:20:27,280 --> 00:20:31,280
Aim!

428
00:20:31,440 --> 00:20:35,440
Fire!

429
00:20:38,040 --> 00:20:41,840
Do it now, Big Chief!

430
00:20:41,840 --> 00:20:44,480
Fee-fi-fo-fum,

431
00:20:44,480 --> 00:20:48,480
I see the shit of Terry Gilliam.

432
00:20:59,320 --> 00:21:03,320
Yeah! Take that, you brute.

433
00:21:04,360 --> 00:21:08,360
Hi, Fantasy Man. It's me, Princess
Dolly. I'm so hot for you right now.

434
00:21:10,640 --> 00:21:13,520
Yes, it is rather close, isn't it?

435
00:21:13,520 --> 00:21:15,600
Quite a balmy evening.

436
00:21:15,600 --> 00:21:19,560
Goodbye!

437
00:21:19,560 --> 00:21:23,560
I've got it!
The ending for the show.

438
00:21:28,200 --> 00:21:31,400
OK, everyone. I'm in a canoe
made of vultures. We all are.

439
00:21:31,400 --> 00:21:33,280
And we've saved Terry.

440
00:21:33,280 --> 00:21:37,280
Thanks, guys. Best show ever.

441
00:21:37,360 --> 00:21:40,840
# Terry on the beach
in the morning sun

442
00:21:40,840 --> 00:21:44,040
# Lifts up his skirt
for the fisherman

443
00:21:44,040 --> 00:21:47,120
# Terry does some dancing
to lose control

444
00:21:47,120 --> 00:21:51,120
# Now he's on the ground
Does a forward roll

445
00:21:51,120 --> 00:21:53,880
# Terry loves fantasy
Oh, yeah

446
00:21:53,880 --> 00:21:57,440
# He doesn't love reality
Oh, no

447
00:21:57,440 --> 00:22:00,320
# Luxury comedy
Oh, yeah

448
00:22:00,320 --> 00:22:04,040
# Watched by a minority
Oh, no

449
00:22:04,040 --> 00:22:07,160
# Picking up the pieces
of his broken life

450
00:22:07,160 --> 00:22:10,720
# Staring at the body
of his sleeping wife

451
00:22:10,720 --> 00:22:14,120
# Goes into the street
and he never coming back

452
00:22:14,120 --> 00:22:17,240
# Mumbles to himself
"I've had enough of that"

453
00:22:17,240 --> 00:22:20,240
# Terry loves fantasy
Oh, yeah

454
00:22:20,240 --> 00:22:23,880
# He doesn't like reality
Oh, no

455
00:22:23,880 --> 00:22:27,200
# Fantasy comedy
Oh, yeah

456
00:22:27,200 --> 00:22:29,400
# A threat to society
Oh, no... #

457
00:22:29,400 --> 00:22:31,760
That's right, a threat to society,
everyone hear that?

458
00:22:44,120 --> 00:22:46,720
# Terry loves fantasy
Oh, yeah

459
00:22:46,720 --> 00:22:50,400
# He doesn't love reality
Oh, no

460
00:22:50,400 --> 00:22:53,520
# Luxury comedy
Oh, yeah

461
00:22:53,520 --> 00:22:57,520
# Watched by 10 or 20
Oh, no

462
00:22:58,040 --> 00:23:01,880
Oh, my God!
Look, there's an asteroid!

463
00:23:01,880 --> 00:23:05,040
What? I don't understand. I wrote an
ending. This shouldn't be happening.

464
00:23:05,040 --> 00:23:07,240
Oops. I appear
to have miscalculated.

465
00:23:07,240 --> 00:23:09,600
Oh, Andy.

466
00:23:09,600 --> 00:23:13,600
I'm a fantasy martyr!

467
00:23:45,200 --> 00:23:47,360
I thought that went
rather well, Big Chief.

468
00:23:47,360 --> 00:23:49,240
Yes.

469
00:23:49,240 --> 00:23:52,080
Oi!

470
00:23:52,080 --> 00:23:56,080
Come on, you two.
You've been on there all afternoon.

471
00:23:56,520 --> 00:23:59,680
Please, Clive. Just one more go.

472
00:23:59,680 --> 00:24:01,480
Nah.

473
00:24:01,480 --> 00:24:03,360
Enough's enough.

474
00:24:03,360 --> 00:24:06,960
Now, can I have my gloves back?

475
00:24:06,960 --> 00:24:10,960
I've got a snooker match
to referee tonight.