1
00:01:13,907 --> 00:01:15,909
[INAUDIBLE DIALOGUE]

2
00:01:38,557 --> 00:01:40,892
FELIX: A room, please.
- You alone?

3
00:01:41,727 --> 00:01:44,980
- Yeah.
CLERK: Luggage?

4
00:01:45,606 --> 00:01:46,857
How long you want it for?

5
00:01:48,400 --> 00:01:49,651
Not very long.

6
00:01:51,695 --> 00:01:53,530
Five dollars.

7
00:01:54,823 --> 00:01:56,783
Five dollars.

8
00:02:05,083 --> 00:02:06,126
307.

9
00:02:07,753 --> 00:02:10,047
Uh, haven't you anything higher?

10
00:02:11,381 --> 00:02:12,424
Higher?

11
00:02:20,098 --> 00:02:21,933
914?

12
00:02:58,970 --> 00:03:00,639
Good night.

13
00:03:00,806 --> 00:03:02,766
Good bye.

14
00:04:21,511 --> 00:04:22,554
[GRUNTS]

15
00:05:10,143 --> 00:05:12,229
[GRUNTING]

16
00:05:15,857 --> 00:05:17,192
[GROANS]

17
00:05:17,359 --> 00:05:20,278
Oh, no. Oh, no. Oh.

18
00:05:21,154 --> 00:05:23,156
[GROANING]

19
00:06:19,546 --> 00:06:21,548
[ALL CHATTERING]

20
00:06:31,683 --> 00:06:33,685
[BAND PLAYING UPBEAT JAZZ MUSIC]

21
00:07:02,213 --> 00:07:04,215
-[INAUDIBLY] What will you have?
-[INAUDIBLY] What?

22
00:07:04,382 --> 00:07:08,178
- What will you have?
- Scotch.

23
00:07:12,682 --> 00:07:14,476
Thank you.

24
00:07:46,549 --> 00:07:48,009
[INAUDIBLE DIALOGUE]

25
00:07:48,176 --> 00:07:50,136
Oh, no.

26
00:09:07,213 --> 00:09:08,298
Ante.

27
00:09:08,465 --> 00:09:10,425
ALL:
Ante up.

28
00:09:27,692 --> 00:09:29,694
[CARDS SHUFFLING]

29
00:09:45,293 --> 00:09:48,004
Excuse me. Aren't you the one
they call the Cincinnati Kid?

30
00:09:48,171 --> 00:09:50,048
You don't like it, get a machine.

31
00:09:50,215 --> 00:09:51,841
Jeez, it stinks in here.

32
00:09:52,008 --> 00:09:54,052
- What time is it?
- Again, "what time is it"?

33
00:09:54,219 --> 00:09:55,929
I'd like to know what time it is.

34
00:09:56,096 --> 00:09:58,723
You're winning $95.
Where the hell you running'?

35
00:09:58,890 --> 00:10:02,811
- I'm not running, I just asked what time it was.
-It's 10:30.

36
00:10:04,687 --> 00:10:06,231
- I gotta leave by 12.
- Oh, heh.

37
00:10:06,397 --> 00:10:08,608
I told you that when I sat down.
I gotta leave by 12.

38
00:10:09,025 --> 00:10:12,237
Murray, didn't I say that when I sat down?
I said I gotta leave by 12.

39
00:10:12,403 --> 00:10:14,781
Don't talk to him. He's dealing.

40
00:10:16,950 --> 00:10:19,536
Wanna rest for a while, Murray?
Go lie down, sweetheart.

41
00:10:19,702 --> 00:10:22,997
You want speed or accuracy?
Make up your mind.

42
00:10:25,166 --> 00:10:29,212
Hey, you wanna do me a really big favor?
Smoke towards New Jersey.

43
00:10:32,674 --> 00:10:36,219
No kidding. I'm really worried about Felix.
He's never been this late before.

44
00:10:36,386 --> 00:10:38,555
Maybe somebody should call.

45
00:10:39,222 --> 00:10:41,599
Hey, Oscar. Why don't you call Felix?

46
00:10:41,766 --> 00:10:45,645
Why don't we chip in $3 apiece and buy
another window? How can you breathe in here?

47
00:10:45,812 --> 00:10:48,189
How many cards you got? Four?

48
00:10:48,940 --> 00:10:52,861
Yes, Murray. We all have four cards.
When you give us one more, we'll all have five.

49
00:10:53,027 --> 00:10:56,364
If you gave us two more, we'd all have six.
You understand how it works?

50
00:10:56,531 --> 00:10:58,950
Is Oscar playing or not?

51
00:10:59,117 --> 00:11:00,743
Hey, Oscar!

52
00:11:00,910 --> 00:11:04,080
- Yeah?
MURRAY: Hey, Oscar, you in or out?

53
00:11:04,247 --> 00:11:06,624
Out, pussycat. Out.

54
00:11:06,833 --> 00:11:09,502
I told my wife I'd be home by 1, the latest.

55
00:11:09,669 --> 00:11:13,089
We're making an 8:00 plane to Florida.
I told you that when I sat down.

56
00:11:13,631 --> 00:11:15,466
Who goes to Florida in July?

57
00:11:15,633 --> 00:11:17,218
Well, it's off-season.

58
00:11:17,385 --> 00:11:21,055
There's no crowds, and you get the best room
for one-tenth the price. No cards.

59
00:11:21,306 --> 00:11:23,933
Some vacation.
Six cheap people in an empty hotel.

60
00:11:24,100 --> 00:11:26,394
Dealer takes four.

61
00:11:27,228 --> 00:11:31,774
Hey, you think maybe Felix is sick?
I mean, he's never been this late before.

62
00:11:31,941 --> 00:11:34,110
This is the same garbage
from last week's game.

63
00:11:34,277 --> 00:11:35,987
I'm beginning to recognize things.

64
00:11:36,154 --> 00:11:37,906
- I'm out.
- Two kings.

65
00:11:38,072 --> 00:11:39,407
Straight.

66
00:11:39,574 --> 00:11:42,911
Hey, maybe he's in his office
locked in the john again. Ha, ha.

67
00:11:43,077 --> 00:11:46,623
Did you know that Felix was once
locked in the john overnight? Yeah.

68
00:11:46,789 --> 00:11:49,417
He wrote out his entire will
on a half a roll of toilet paper.

69
00:11:49,584 --> 00:11:50,627
[MURRAY & ROY CHUCKLE]

70
00:11:50,793 --> 00:11:51,836
What a nut.

71
00:11:52,003 --> 00:11:55,256
Don't play with your chips. I'm asking nice.
Don't play with your chips.

72
00:11:55,423 --> 00:11:58,009
I'm not playing, I'm counting.
Leave me alone, will you?

73
00:11:58,176 --> 00:12:01,971
If you stop playing with your chips.
I can't stand a guy who plays with his chips.

74
00:12:02,138 --> 00:12:05,558
It's my house, Vinnie. You wanna play
with your chips, you play with them.

75
00:12:05,725 --> 00:12:08,770
- I'm in for a quarter.
- Aren't you gonna look at your cards first?

76
00:12:08,937 --> 00:12:10,730
What for? I'm gonna bluff anyway.

77
00:12:10,897 --> 00:12:13,024
- Who gets a Pepsi?
- I get a Pepsi.

78
00:12:13,191 --> 00:12:15,693
My friend Murray the policeman
gets a warm Pepsi.

79
00:12:15,860 --> 00:12:17,445
Still didn't fix the refrigerator?

80
00:12:17,612 --> 00:12:20,198
It's been two weeks now.
No wonder it stinks in here.

81
00:12:20,365 --> 00:12:23,826
Temper, temper. If I wanted nagging,
I'd go back with my wife.

82
00:12:23,993 --> 00:12:25,620
I'm out. Who wants food?

83
00:12:25,787 --> 00:12:26,913
What do you got?

84
00:12:27,080 --> 00:12:31,793
I got brown sandwiches and, uh,
green sandwiches.

85
00:12:32,377 --> 00:12:34,462
- Which one do you want?
- What's the green?

86
00:12:34,629 --> 00:12:38,675
-It's either very new cheese or very old meat.
<i>- I'll</i> take the brown.

87
00:12:38,841 --> 00:12:41,594
- You crazy? You're not gonna eat that, are you?
- I'm hungry.

88
00:12:41,761 --> 00:12:44,180
His refrigerator's been out of order
for two weeks.

89
00:12:44,347 --> 00:12:46,933
I saw milk standing in there
that wasn't in a bottle.

90
00:12:47,100 --> 00:12:49,519
What are you, some kind of a health nut?
Eat, Murray.

91
00:12:49,686 --> 00:12:51,020
I got six cards.

92
00:12:51,187 --> 00:12:53,147
- That figures, I got three aces.
- Misdeal.

93
00:12:53,314 --> 00:12:56,401
- You want some peanuts?
- Know who makes good sandwiches? Felix.

94
00:12:56,567 --> 00:12:59,237
Ever taste his cream cheese and pimento
on date-nut bread?

95
00:12:59,404 --> 00:13:02,156
All right, make up your mind,
poker or recipes.

96
00:13:02,323 --> 00:13:05,535
VINNIE: Aw, hey, Oscar.
Hey, Oscar, you got beer all over my glasses.

97
00:13:05,702 --> 00:13:08,288
- For crying out loud.
- You got it on the chips.

98
00:13:08,454 --> 00:13:10,999
- Come on.
- You got it all over me now!

99
00:13:11,165 --> 00:13:14,127
SPEED: ls everybody gonna stand here
or we gonna play some poker?

100
00:13:14,294 --> 00:13:16,713
- What is this? Here.
MURRAY: You got it on the suits.

101
00:13:16,879 --> 00:13:19,841
OSCAR: Don't worry about it.
- Don't put it in the middle of the table.

102
00:13:20,008 --> 00:13:22,218
- Put it on the side.
SPEED: Wipe the cards.

103
00:13:22,385 --> 00:13:25,388
VINNIE: Get the bill. Right there.
OSCAR: Spill a little beer...

104
00:13:25,555 --> 00:13:29,267
- How can you play like this?
VINNIE: Wipe the middle. You didn't get there.

105
00:13:29,434 --> 00:13:31,686
- Come on, let's play some poker here.
OSCAR: Thank you.

106
00:13:31,853 --> 00:13:34,397
- What's the game?
- Who's playing here?

107
00:13:34,564 --> 00:13:37,400
- Vinnie, tell Oscar what time you're leaving.
- Twelve o'clock.

108
00:13:37,567 --> 00:13:39,736
We got 1O minutes
before the next announcement.

109
00:13:39,902 --> 00:13:41,487
All right, this is five-card stud.

110
00:13:41,654 --> 00:13:44,032
[SINGS IN OPERATIC VOICE]
Five-card studarino

111
00:13:44,198 --> 00:13:47,118
A red lady, a deuce, cuatro...

112
00:13:47,285 --> 00:13:49,912
...a big ace for the policeman. Bet.

113
00:13:50,079 --> 00:13:52,749
Wait a minute, the pot's shy.
Who didn't put in a quarter?

114
00:13:52,915 --> 00:13:54,542
- You didn't.
- You got a big mouth.

115
00:13:54,709 --> 00:13:56,044
Just for that, lend me $20.

116
00:13:56,210 --> 00:13:58,504
I just loaned you $20.
Borrow from somebody else.

117
00:13:58,671 --> 00:14:01,215
- I keep winning my own money back.
- You owe everybody.

118
00:14:01,382 --> 00:14:04,844
- If you don't have it, you shouldn't play.
- I'm through being the nice guy.

119
00:14:05,011 --> 00:14:06,846
You owe me $6.00 apiece for the buffet.

120
00:14:07,930 --> 00:14:09,140
ALL:
What buffet?

121
00:14:09,307 --> 00:14:13,102
Buffet. Hot beer and two sandwiches leftover
from when you went to high school.

122
00:14:13,269 --> 00:14:15,646
What do you want at a poker game,
a tomato surprise?

123
00:14:15,813 --> 00:14:19,609
Murray, lend me $20, or I'll call your wife and
tell her you're in Central Park wearing a dress.

124
00:14:19,776 --> 00:14:20,818
[PHONE RINGING]

125
00:14:20,985 --> 00:14:22,070
Hey, maybe that's Felix.

126
00:14:24,781 --> 00:14:26,115
- Pair of 6's.
VINNIE: Three deuces.

127
00:14:26,282 --> 00:14:28,409
MURRAY: Ugh.
- Why didn't you go to Florida last night?

128
00:14:28,576 --> 00:14:29,660
Oscar the poker player.

129
00:14:29,827 --> 00:14:32,163
VINNIE:
If that's my wife, tell her I'm leaving at 12.

130
00:14:32,330 --> 00:14:35,708
You look at your watch once more,
you get the peanuts in your face. Deal.

131
00:14:35,875 --> 00:14:38,294
- Cut.
- Would you talk up? I can't hear you. Who?

132
00:14:38,461 --> 00:14:39,504
[MEN CHATTERING]

133
00:14:39,670 --> 00:14:42,965
Dabby? Dabby who?
No, there's no Dabby here.

134
00:14:43,132 --> 00:14:46,052
Oh, "Daddy." For crying out loud, it's my kid.

135
00:14:46,219 --> 00:14:49,889
Brucey. How are you, baby? Huh?

136
00:14:50,056 --> 00:14:51,974
Yes, it's-- No, I couldn't--

137
00:14:52,141 --> 00:14:55,478
No, there's a lot of boys here.
We're playing. Huh?

138
00:14:55,645 --> 00:14:57,688
Boys, fellas, give me a break, will you?

139
00:14:57,855 --> 00:15:01,776
My 5-year-old kid is calling from California.
It must be costing him a fortune.

140
00:15:01,943 --> 00:15:03,861
- How have you been, honey?
SPEED: Okay, deal.

141
00:15:04,028 --> 00:15:06,197
Yes. Yes, I got your letter.

142
00:15:06,364 --> 00:15:08,533
Yes. It took three weeks.

143
00:15:08,699 --> 00:15:12,120
Next time, you tell Mommy
to give you a stamp.

144
00:15:12,537 --> 00:15:16,165
Yeah, I know, honey,
but you're not supposed to draw it on.

145
00:15:16,332 --> 00:15:17,375
[CHUCKLES]

146
00:15:17,542 --> 00:15:21,212
- You hear this? You hear'?
- Yeah, we hear, we hear. We're all thrilled.

147
00:15:21,379 --> 00:15:24,298
Huh? Huh? Oh, Mommy wants to talk to me'?

148
00:15:24,465 --> 00:15:28,094
All right, sweetheart.
I love you, soldier. Goodbye.

149
00:15:28,261 --> 00:15:31,556
- Ante a dollar.
- Cost you $1 to play, Oscar. You got $1?

150
00:15:32,014 --> 00:15:34,225
Not after I get through talking to this lady.

151
00:15:34,392 --> 00:15:36,269
Hello, Blanche. How are you?

152
00:15:36,436 --> 00:15:40,606
Yeah, I got a good idea why you're calling.
I'm a week behind with the check, right?

153
00:15:40,773 --> 00:15:42,859
Four weeks? It's not possible.

154
00:15:43,025 --> 00:15:47,029
Because it's not possible. Blanche,
I keep a record of every check in my files here...

155
00:15:47,196 --> 00:15:50,199
...and I happen to know
I'm only three weeks behind.

156
00:15:51,742 --> 00:15:56,080
Look, don't threaten me with jail,
Blanche, because it's not a threat.

157
00:15:56,247 --> 00:16:00,918
With my expenses and my alimony,
a prisoner takes home more pay than I do.

158
00:16:01,627 --> 00:16:03,588
Very nice language in front of the children.

159
00:16:03,754 --> 00:16:05,381
[LINE CLICKS]

160
00:16:06,716 --> 00:16:08,009
I'm $800 behind in alimony.

161
00:16:08,176 --> 00:16:10,052
- Let's raise the stakes.
- She can do it.

162
00:16:10,219 --> 00:16:11,596
- Do what?
- Throw you in jail.

163
00:16:11,762 --> 00:16:15,099
Ah, but if she can't call me once a week
to aggravate me, she's not happy.

164
00:16:15,266 --> 00:16:16,851
Aren't you worried about the kids?

165
00:16:17,018 --> 00:16:20,521
The kids are living in their grandfather's house
with a pool in California.

166
00:16:20,688 --> 00:16:23,274
- Can we play cards?
- I told you you'd get into trouble.

167
00:16:23,441 --> 00:16:25,985
You don't know how to manage anything.
I'm your accountant.

168
00:16:26,152 --> 00:16:28,321
If you're my accountant,
how come I need money?

169
00:16:28,488 --> 00:16:29,614
How come you play poker?

170
00:16:29,780 --> 00:16:31,240
- I need money.
- You always lose.

171
00:16:31,407 --> 00:16:33,367
- That's why I need money.
- Then don't play.

172
00:16:33,534 --> 00:16:35,912
Then don't come to my house
and eat my potato chips.

173
00:16:36,078 --> 00:16:38,247
- Wise guy. Potato chips.
- Beautiful. Beautiful.

174
00:16:38,414 --> 00:16:39,582
- Look at that.
- Wonderful.

175
00:16:39,749 --> 00:16:42,376
What are you yelling about?
We're playing a friendly game.

176
00:16:42,543 --> 00:16:44,462
SPEED:
Who's playing? We've been talking since 8.

177
00:16:44,629 --> 00:16:46,631
VINNIE:
Since 7. When I said I was gonna quit at 12.

178
00:16:46,797 --> 00:16:49,133
SPEED:
How'd you like a banana right in the mouth?

179
00:16:49,300 --> 00:16:51,552
MURRAY:
All right. All right. All right! Calm down!

180
00:16:51,719 --> 00:16:53,387
Calm down! Take it easy.

181
00:16:53,554 --> 00:16:57,016
I'm a cop, you know.
I could arrest the whole lousy game.

182
00:16:59,769 --> 00:17:02,021
My friend Murray is right.
Let's just play cards.

183
00:17:02,188 --> 00:17:04,398
And please hold them up.
I can't see where I marked them.

184
00:17:04,565 --> 00:17:05,608
[PHONE RINGING]

185
00:17:05,775 --> 00:17:09,111
He owes money to his wife, government,
friends, and he still won't take it seriously.

186
00:17:09,278 --> 00:17:12,782
Life goes on, even for those of us
who are divorced, broke and sloppy.

187
00:17:12,949 --> 00:17:16,077
Hello. Divorced, broke and sloppy.

188
00:17:16,911 --> 00:17:18,162
Hello, sweetheart.

189
00:17:19,413 --> 00:17:20,623
Yes, darling.

190
00:17:20,831 --> 00:17:22,083
[CHUCKLES]

191
00:17:23,000 --> 00:17:26,420
Yes. Listen, darling,
I told you not to call me during the game.

192
00:17:26,587 --> 00:17:28,965
I can't talk to you now.

193
00:17:29,131 --> 00:17:31,133
[LAUGHING]

194
00:17:34,095 --> 00:17:35,513
You know I do, darling.

195
00:17:35,680 --> 00:17:37,056
Yeah.

196
00:17:37,223 --> 00:17:39,392
Hold on just a second. Murray, it's your wife.

197
00:17:40,685 --> 00:17:43,312
[MEN LAUGHING]

198
00:17:44,605 --> 00:17:47,942
I wish you were having an affair with her.
Then she wouldn't bother me. Hello, Mimi.

199
00:17:48,109 --> 00:17:49,902
[IN FALSETTO]
"What time are you coming home?"

200
00:17:50,069 --> 00:17:53,406
-[IN DEEP VOICE] "About 12:00, 12:30."
- Ab0ut 12:00, 12:30.

201
00:17:53,614 --> 00:17:55,533
Why, what do you want, Mimi?

202
00:17:55,866 --> 00:17:58,035
A corned-beef sandwich
and a strawberry malted?

203
00:17:58,202 --> 00:18:01,622
-[IN NORMAL VOICE] Is she pregnant again?
- No, just fat. Ha-ha-ha.

204
00:18:01,789 --> 00:18:04,667
How could you hear that?
I had the phone over my chest.

205
00:18:06,085 --> 00:18:09,088
Who, Felix? No, he didn't show up tonight.
What's wrong?

206
00:18:10,506 --> 00:18:11,966
You're kidding.

207
00:18:12,925 --> 00:18:15,219
No. How should I know?

208
00:18:16,304 --> 00:18:19,890
All right. All right, Mimi.
I'll take care of it. Goodbye.

209
00:18:21,851 --> 00:18:24,979
- What did I tell you? Felix is missing.
- What do you mean, missing?

210
00:18:25,146 --> 00:18:28,441
He didn't show up for work, didn't come home.
Nobody knows where he is.

211
00:18:28,608 --> 00:18:30,026
Mimi just spoke to his wife.

212
00:18:30,192 --> 00:18:32,403
Wait a minute.
No one is missing for one day.

213
00:18:32,570 --> 00:18:34,739
- Maybe he had an accident.
- They would've heard.

214
00:18:34,905 --> 00:18:37,325
If he's laying in a gutter,
who would know who he is?

215
00:18:37,491 --> 00:18:39,327
He's got 92 credit cards in his wallet.

216
00:18:39,493 --> 00:18:41,996
The minute something happens to him,
America lights up.

217
00:18:42,163 --> 00:18:44,206
I'll call his wife.

218
00:18:45,625 --> 00:18:48,628
I thought he looked edgy
the last couple of weeks.

219
00:18:48,794 --> 00:18:50,296
Didn't you think he looked edgy?

220
00:18:50,463 --> 00:18:52,006
No. I thought you looked edgy.

221
00:18:52,673 --> 00:18:54,884
Frances. How are you? Oscar.

222
00:18:55,051 --> 00:18:57,345
- Yeah. Yeah, I just heard.
- Tell her not to worry.

223
00:18:57,511 --> 00:18:59,513
- She's probably hysterical.
- You know women.

224
00:18:59,680 --> 00:19:02,391
Listen, Frances,
the most important thing is not to worry.

225
00:19:02,558 --> 00:19:04,560
- Oh. She's not worried.
- Sure.

226
00:19:04,727 --> 00:19:07,647
Listen, Frances, do you have any idea
at all where he could be?

227
00:19:08,439 --> 00:19:09,815
You what?

228
00:19:10,441 --> 00:19:11,567
You're kidding.

229
00:19:12,234 --> 00:19:13,986
Oh, no. l...

230
00:19:14,362 --> 00:19:15,821
I didn't know.

231
00:19:15,988 --> 00:19:17,365
Yeah.

232
00:19:17,740 --> 00:19:19,867
No, he never told me. Yeah.

233
00:19:20,034 --> 00:19:21,327
All right.

234
00:19:21,494 --> 00:19:24,455
Yeah. All right, listen, Frances,
you just sit tight...

235
00:19:24,622 --> 00:19:27,667
...and the minute I hear anything,
I'll let you know. Right.

236
00:19:27,833 --> 00:19:30,002
Okay. Goodbye.

237
00:19:43,140 --> 00:19:46,519
You gonna tell us,
or do we hire a private detective?

238
00:19:50,690 --> 00:19:53,609
- They broke up.
ROY: Who?

239
00:19:54,110 --> 00:19:57,113
"Who?" Felix and Frances who.

240
00:19:57,279 --> 00:19:59,865
They broke up.
The entire marriage is through.

241
00:20:00,032 --> 00:20:01,659
You're kidding.

242
00:20:02,076 --> 00:20:03,369
After 12 years?

243
00:20:03,911 --> 00:20:05,538
VINNIE:
They were such a happy couple.

244
00:20:05,705 --> 00:20:08,958
He'll go to pieces. I know Felix.
He's gonna go try something crazy.

245
00:20:09,125 --> 00:20:11,752
That's all he ever used to talk about.
His wife and kids.

246
00:20:11,919 --> 00:20:15,005
He'll kill himself. Hear what I'm saying?
He's gonna kill himself.

247
00:20:15,172 --> 00:20:18,092
Would you shut up, Murray?
Stop being a cop for two minutes.

248
00:20:18,259 --> 00:20:21,178
- Where'd he go, Oscar?
- He went out to kill himself.

249
00:20:21,345 --> 00:20:23,222
- What did I tell you?
- Are you serious?

250
00:20:23,389 --> 00:20:27,226
That's what she said. He didn't wanna do it
at home because the kids were sleeping.

251
00:20:27,393 --> 00:20:30,187
VINNIE: Why?
- Why? Because Felix is a nut, that's why.

252
00:20:30,354 --> 00:20:33,190
Is that what he said? In those words?
"I'm gonna kill myself"?

253
00:20:33,357 --> 00:20:35,776
I don't know in what words.
She didn't read it to me.

254
00:20:35,943 --> 00:20:37,987
- He left her a note?
- No, he sent a telegram.

255
00:20:38,154 --> 00:20:40,573
A suicide telegram?
Who sends a suicide telegram?

256
00:20:40,740 --> 00:20:42,116
Felix the nut, that's who.

257
00:20:42,283 --> 00:20:46,203
Can you imagine getting a thing like that?
She even has to tip the kid a quarter.

258
00:20:53,711 --> 00:20:54,920
[YELPS]

259
00:20:57,965 --> 00:21:00,384
Maybe he's bluffing.
We get these cases every day.

260
00:21:00,551 --> 00:21:02,178
All they want is a little sympathy.

261
00:21:02,344 --> 00:21:05,681
We got a guy who calls every Saturday
from the George Washington Bridge.

262
00:21:05,848 --> 00:21:08,642
You never can tell
what a guy will do when he's hysterical.

263
00:21:08,809 --> 00:21:12,021
- Nah. Nine times out of 10, they don't jump.
- What about the 10th time?

264
00:21:12,188 --> 00:21:14,482
Theyjump. He's right. There's a possibility.

265
00:21:14,648 --> 00:21:17,860
Not with Felix. I know him.
He's too nervous to kill himself.

266
00:21:18,027 --> 00:21:20,196
He wears his seat belt in the drive-in movie.

267
00:21:22,156 --> 00:21:24,450
[DOORBELL BUZZES]

268
00:21:24,617 --> 00:21:28,579
Of course. If you're gonna kill yourself,
where's the safest place to do it?

269
00:21:28,746 --> 00:21:30,289
With your friends. Open the door.

270
00:21:30,456 --> 00:21:34,502
The guy may be hysterical. Let's play it
nice and easy. If we're calm, he'll be calm.

271
00:21:34,668 --> 00:21:36,921
That's what they do
to those guys out on the ledge.

272
00:21:37,087 --> 00:21:38,964
- What are we gonna say to him?
- Nothing.

273
00:21:39,131 --> 00:21:43,385
Are you through with this discussion?
He already could've hung himself in the hall.

274
00:21:43,552 --> 00:21:45,137
Vinnie, open the door.

275
00:21:45,304 --> 00:21:48,140
- Remember, like we don't know nothing.
- Okay.

276
00:21:53,145 --> 00:21:56,065
VINNIE: Oh, hi, Felix.
_l-li__

277
00:22:04,782 --> 00:22:06,367
Hey, fellas.

278
00:22:06,534 --> 00:22:08,828
- Hi, Fel.
- Hi, Felix.

279
00:22:17,753 --> 00:22:18,796
How's the game going?

280
00:22:18,963 --> 00:22:20,506
MURRAY: Good.
VINNIE <i>&</i> SPEED: Very nice.

281
00:22:20,673 --> 00:22:22,299
Good, good.

282
00:22:23,217 --> 00:22:25,135
Good, good.

283
00:22:31,892 --> 00:22:35,020
- Sorry I'm late.
OSCAR: Mm.

284
00:23:00,921 --> 00:23:03,674
There any--? Ahem. Any ginger ale left?

285
00:23:03,841 --> 00:23:04,884
- Ginger ale?
- Yeah.

286
00:23:05,050 --> 00:23:07,845
Gee, no, I don't think so, Fel.
I got some root beer.

287
00:23:08,012 --> 00:23:09,346
Nope.

288
00:23:10,222 --> 00:23:12,266
Felt like a ginger ale.

289
00:23:12,766 --> 00:23:14,727
Somehow, I don't feel like a root beer...

290
00:23:18,898 --> 00:23:20,649
...tonight.

291
00:23:23,402 --> 00:23:24,778
What's the bet?

292
00:23:24,945 --> 00:23:29,533
Uh, you bet a quarter. It's up to Murray.
Murray, what do you say?

293
00:23:32,703 --> 00:23:33,829
Murray?

294
00:23:33,996 --> 00:23:35,414
- Murray.
- Tap his shoulder.

295
00:23:35,581 --> 00:23:36,916
- What? What?
-It's up to you.

296
00:23:37,082 --> 00:23:39,585
- Why's it always up to me?
-It's not always up to you.

297
00:23:39,752 --> 00:23:40,878
- What do you do?
- I'm in.

298
00:23:41,045 --> 00:23:42,338
SPEED:
Okay.

299
00:23:43,088 --> 00:23:45,591
Um, anybody call about me?

300
00:23:46,133 --> 00:23:48,135
Call about you? No.

301
00:23:48,302 --> 00:23:49,803
No, not that I can remember.

302
00:23:50,721 --> 00:23:52,222
Why, were you expecting a call?

303
00:23:52,389 --> 00:23:54,516
Uh, did anyone call for Felix?

304
00:23:54,683 --> 00:23:56,268
MURRAY: No.
VINNIE: No, I don't think so.

305
00:23:56,435 --> 00:23:57,770
Were you expecting a call?

306
00:23:58,854 --> 00:24:01,106
Uh, no, I was just asking.

307
00:24:01,523 --> 00:24:03,233
OSCAR:
I raise a dollar.

308
00:24:03,400 --> 00:24:06,737
SPEED: Costs me a dollar and a quarter, right?
OSCAR: Right.

309
00:24:06,904 --> 00:24:09,531
Just thought somebody might have called.

310
00:24:12,618 --> 00:24:15,412
Nobody called, nobody called.

311
00:24:17,623 --> 00:24:19,625
Uh, what does it cost me to play again?

312
00:24:19,792 --> 00:24:22,294
A dollar and a quarter.
For God's sake, pay attention.

313
00:24:22,461 --> 00:24:24,463
ROY: All right, take it easy.
OSCAR: Calm down.

314
00:24:24,630 --> 00:24:26,924
- Calm down.
- I can't help it. He makes me nervous.

315
00:24:27,091 --> 00:24:29,259
I make you nervous?
You make everybody nervous.

316
00:24:29,426 --> 00:24:31,720
- I'm sorry, forgive me. I'll kill myself.
- Murray!

317
00:24:31,887 --> 00:24:33,931
Oh, sorry.

318
00:24:37,476 --> 00:24:40,187
That's a pretty view from here.
What is it, 12 floors?

319
00:24:41,313 --> 00:24:42,356
No.

320
00:24:42,523 --> 00:24:44,608
No, it's only 11 floors, that's all.

321
00:24:44,775 --> 00:24:47,152
See, it's only 11 floors.

322
00:24:48,737 --> 00:24:51,699
It says 12, but it's really only 11.

323
00:24:53,075 --> 00:24:55,160
Gee, it's chilly in here.

324
00:24:58,080 --> 00:24:59,415
Isn't it chilly in here?

325
00:24:59,581 --> 00:25:01,542
SPEED: Yes, it is a little.
ROY: Very chilly.

326
00:25:01,709 --> 00:25:05,129
- Wanna sit and play, Felix? It's still early.
- Sure, we're in no rush.

327
00:25:05,295 --> 00:25:08,090
We're gonna be here till 3, 4 in the morning.

328
00:25:10,592 --> 00:25:15,472
I don't know,
I just don't feel much like playing right now.

329
00:25:20,019 --> 00:25:22,730
What do you feel like doing?

330
00:25:23,564 --> 00:25:25,441
I don't know.

331
00:25:27,192 --> 00:25:28,444
I'll think of something.

332
00:25:33,699 --> 00:25:36,660
- Where you going?
- To the john.

333
00:25:37,119 --> 00:25:38,704
Alone?

334
00:25:39,997 --> 00:25:42,708
I always go alone. Why?

335
00:25:43,751 --> 00:25:45,377
No reason.

336
00:25:45,544 --> 00:25:46,879
You gonna be in there long?

337
00:25:49,256 --> 00:25:51,050
As long as it takes.

338
00:25:59,224 --> 00:26:00,267
[DOOR CLOSES]

339
00:26:00,434 --> 00:26:02,519
Are you crazy,
letting him go to the john alone?

340
00:26:02,686 --> 00:26:04,855
- Suppose he tries to kill himself?
- How?

341
00:26:05,022 --> 00:26:08,233
- What do you mean? Razor blades, poison.
- That's the kids' bathroom.

342
00:26:08,400 --> 00:26:10,527
Worst he could do
is brush his teeth to death.

343
00:26:10,694 --> 00:26:12,738
- He could jump.
- Right. Isn't there a window?

344
00:26:12,905 --> 00:26:14,281
Yeah, it's only 6 inches wide.

345
00:26:14,448 --> 00:26:16,742
He could break the glass.
He could cut his wrists.

346
00:26:16,909 --> 00:26:19,745
He could flush himself into the East River.
He's not gonna try anything.

347
00:26:19,912 --> 00:26:23,082
Shh, shh. Listen. Listen.

348
00:26:26,460 --> 00:26:28,128
[FELIX CRYING]

349
00:26:28,295 --> 00:26:30,089
He's crying.

350
00:26:30,631 --> 00:26:32,883
You hear that? He's crying.

351
00:26:35,177 --> 00:26:38,639
Isn't that terrible? For God's sakes,
Oscar, do something. Say something.

352
00:26:38,806 --> 00:26:40,724
What do you say to a man
crying in your bathroom?

353
00:26:40,891 --> 00:26:41,934
[LOCK CLICKS]

354
00:26:42,101 --> 00:26:44,394
Shh. He's coming.
He's coming. He's coming.

355
00:26:44,561 --> 00:26:46,105
He's coming.

356
00:26:49,691 --> 00:26:51,735
Sit down. Sit down.

357
00:26:59,243 --> 00:27:01,328
[SNIFFS THEN CLEARS THROAT]

358
00:27:12,339 --> 00:27:15,926
Well, I guess I'll just be running along.

359
00:27:16,093 --> 00:27:17,136
[SOBS]

360
00:27:17,302 --> 00:27:19,096
- Oh, Felix.
OSCAR: Felix.

361
00:27:19,263 --> 00:27:21,181
- Come here, Felix.
- Felix, wait a minute.

362
00:27:21,348 --> 00:27:23,517
I can't to you, fellas. I can't talk to anyone.

363
00:27:23,684 --> 00:27:25,435
MURRAY:
Felix, we're your best friends.

364
00:27:25,602 --> 00:27:28,063
VINNIE: Relax.
- Ow! Fellas, please, no!

365
00:27:28,230 --> 00:27:30,232
OSCAR: Talk to us.
- There's nothing to talk about.

366
00:27:30,399 --> 00:27:32,568
There's just nothing to say, Oscar. It's over.

367
00:27:32,734 --> 00:27:34,778
- Will you let me go, please?
OSCAR: Let him go.

368
00:27:34,945 --> 00:27:36,572
Leave me alone.

369
00:27:36,738 --> 00:27:38,907
MURRAY:
Stop him! Stop him!

370
00:27:39,074 --> 00:27:40,742
VINNIE: Come back here!
MURRAY: Stop him!

371
00:27:40,909 --> 00:27:43,120
Felix! Get him!

372
00:27:43,662 --> 00:27:45,914
VINNIE: Get him!
- Felix!

373
00:27:46,081 --> 00:27:50,043
ROY: Felix! Felix!
- Watch out. Watch out. Back off.

374
00:27:50,210 --> 00:27:52,629
- Back off.
SPEED: Let him break the door down.

375
00:27:52,796 --> 00:27:54,506
OSCAR:
Break it in.

376
00:27:55,549 --> 00:27:57,593
Felix! He jumped.

377
00:27:57,759 --> 00:27:59,136
OSCAR: What?
- I tell you, he jumped.

378
00:27:59,303 --> 00:28:02,181
FELIX:
Ow. My back.

379
00:28:03,056 --> 00:28:06,351
Oh. My back. My back.

380
00:28:07,186 --> 00:28:08,979
My back.

381
00:28:09,479 --> 00:28:11,523
My back.

382
00:28:11,690 --> 00:28:14,401
Oh! The back.

383
00:28:14,568 --> 00:28:16,570
[GROANING]

384
00:28:22,618 --> 00:28:24,369
Will you leave me alone?

385
00:28:24,536 --> 00:28:27,581
- Oh. Ow, my stomach.
OSCAR: What's the matter with your stomach?

386
00:28:27,748 --> 00:28:31,335
Nothing's the matter with my stomach.
I didn't take anything. Leave me alone.

387
00:28:31,501 --> 00:28:33,921
- What did you take?
- Nothing. I didn't take anything.

388
00:28:34,087 --> 00:28:35,464
Don't tell Frances what I did.

389
00:28:35,631 --> 00:28:37,132
- He took pills.
MURRAY: How many pills?

390
00:28:37,299 --> 00:28:40,427
- What kind of pills?
- Little green ones out of her medicine cabinet.

391
00:28:40,594 --> 00:28:42,054
- Don't call Frances.
VINNIE: I won't.

392
00:28:42,221 --> 00:28:44,306
- When did you take these pills?
- You promise?

393
00:28:44,473 --> 00:28:46,475
A couple of hours ago. You won't call her?

394
00:28:46,642 --> 00:28:48,810
VINNIE: I won't call her.
- How many pills did you take?

395
00:28:48,977 --> 00:28:50,896
I can't remember. I think a whole bottle.

396
00:28:51,063 --> 00:28:53,565
ROY: A whole bottle?
MURRAY: A whole bottle of pills?

397
00:28:53,732 --> 00:28:56,401
- My God, get an ambulance!
- We don't even know what kind.

398
00:28:56,568 --> 00:28:57,986
He took a whole bottle.

399
00:28:58,153 --> 00:29:01,615
Maybe they were vitamins.
He could be the healthiest one in the room.

400
00:29:01,782 --> 00:29:04,159
Walk him around. Don't let him go to sleep.

401
00:29:04,326 --> 00:29:06,703
- Will you please--?
VINNIE: Open his collar. Open the window.

402
00:29:06,870 --> 00:29:09,414
- Watch my back! Ow!
- Keep the circulation going.

403
00:29:09,581 --> 00:29:12,376
FELIX: Look, I'm all right.
OSCAR: One doctor at a time!

404
00:29:12,542 --> 00:29:15,712
- All the interns shut the hell up!
- You didn't call Frances, did you?

405
00:29:15,879 --> 00:29:18,632
The bathroom,
get his head under the cold shower.

406
00:29:18,799 --> 00:29:20,384
My arm! Watch my arm!

407
00:29:21,593 --> 00:29:22,636
- Watch my arm!
- Easy.

408
00:29:22,803 --> 00:29:25,389
No, please, will you--? Ow! Cut it out!

409
00:29:25,555 --> 00:29:28,350
We gotta get the pills out.

410
00:29:29,893 --> 00:29:32,604
The pills are out. I threw up before.

411
00:29:35,399 --> 00:29:36,858
FELIX:
Hmm, hmm.

412
00:29:40,320 --> 00:29:43,573
Twelve years. Twelve years.

413
00:29:43,740 --> 00:29:45,784
Did you know I was married 12 years, Roy?

414
00:29:45,951 --> 00:29:50,539
- Yes, Felix, I knew.
-It's over just like that. That's hysterical.

415
00:29:50,706 --> 00:29:53,458
Maybe it was just a fight.
You've had fights before, Felix.

416
00:29:53,625 --> 00:29:56,712
No, no, no. It's over.
She's getting a lawyer tomorrow.

417
00:29:56,878 --> 00:29:59,298
My cousin. She's using my cousin.

418
00:30:00,424 --> 00:30:01,633
Who am I gonna get?

419
00:30:02,259 --> 00:30:04,636
It's okay, Felix.

420
00:30:06,888 --> 00:30:11,310
All right, all right, let's not stand around
looking at him. Let's break it up. Break it up.

421
00:30:11,476 --> 00:30:13,854
Yeah, don't stand there looking at me.
I'm ashamed.

422
00:30:14,021 --> 00:30:17,149
Come on, fellas, let's call it a night.
He's all right.

423
00:30:24,114 --> 00:30:25,824
It's all right, Felix. We understand.

424
00:30:25,991 --> 00:30:28,285
Don't tell anybody about this.
Now, you promise me.

425
00:30:28,452 --> 00:30:29,828
I'm going to Florida tomorrow.

426
00:30:29,995 --> 00:30:32,497
- Oh, that's nice. Have a good time.
- Thanks.

427
00:30:32,664 --> 00:30:36,084
We were going to Florida next winter without
the kids. Now they're going without me.

428
00:30:36,251 --> 00:30:37,294
[CHUCKLES]

429
00:30:38,920 --> 00:30:41,214
Okay, come on, boys, huh?

430
00:30:41,506 --> 00:30:44,468
ROY <i>&</i> VINNIE: Good night, Oscar.
-[WHISPERING] Maybe one of us should stay.

431
00:30:44,634 --> 00:30:47,346
-[WHISPERING] That's okay, Murray.
- Suppose he tries something again?

432
00:30:47,512 --> 00:30:50,307
- He won't try anything again.
- How do you know?

433
00:30:50,474 --> 00:30:53,643
I'm not gonna try anything again.
I'm very tired.

434
00:30:54,436 --> 00:30:57,189
[IN NORMAL VOICE] You hear'? He's very tired.
He's had a busy night.

435
00:30:57,356 --> 00:31:00,067
- Good night, fellas.
SPEED & ROY: Good night.

436
00:31:08,992 --> 00:31:12,329
- If anything happens, Oscar, just call me.
- Yeah.

437
00:31:12,496 --> 00:31:15,624
I'm three blocks away.
I can be here in five minutes.

438
00:31:16,291 --> 00:31:20,504
If you need me, I'll be at the Meridian Motel
in Miami Beach.

439
00:31:20,670 --> 00:31:23,882
- You'll be the first one I call, Vinnie.
- Good.

440
00:31:27,344 --> 00:31:29,471
- Oscar.
- Yeah?

441
00:31:30,639 --> 00:31:33,058
- Are you sure?
- I'm sure.

442
00:31:33,225 --> 00:31:35,727
[IN NORMAL VOICE]
Good night, Felix. Get a good night's sleep.

443
00:31:35,894 --> 00:31:38,772
I guarantee you things are gonna look
a lot brighter in the morning.

444
00:31:38,939 --> 00:31:41,691
[WHISPERS]
Take away his belt and his shoelaces.

445
00:31:48,698 --> 00:31:53,453
Oh, Felix, Felix, Felix.

446
00:31:53,620 --> 00:31:57,499
I know, I know, I know.

447
00:31:58,542 --> 00:32:00,377
I know.

448
00:32:02,879 --> 00:32:04,548
Oscar...

449
00:32:05,715 --> 00:32:07,843
...what am I gonna do, huh?

450
00:32:08,009 --> 00:32:09,344
We'll talk about it later.

451
00:32:09,511 --> 00:32:12,973
Come on. Get something to eat first.
You like some nice hot Ovaltine?

452
00:32:13,140 --> 00:32:16,309
The terrible thing is I still love her, you know?
I always loved her.

453
00:32:16,476 --> 00:32:20,814
How about some vanilla wafers
or Vienna Fingers or some Mallomars?

454
00:32:20,981 --> 00:32:24,151
You like a nice box of chocolate Mallomars?
I got everything in here.

455
00:32:24,317 --> 00:32:25,652
FELIX:
We had so much together.

456
00:32:25,819 --> 00:32:28,113
We had two beautiful kids, a beautiful home.

457
00:32:28,280 --> 00:32:30,907
Whoever had more beautiful kids
or a more beautiful home?

458
00:32:31,074 --> 00:32:33,910
- Nobody. Nobody.
-It's 12 years of marriage down the drain.

459
00:32:34,077 --> 00:32:36,329
Drains can be fixed.
That's why we have plumbers.

460
00:32:36,496 --> 00:32:38,373
Get me a pot under the sink, will you?

461
00:32:38,540 --> 00:32:39,583
It's not fair.

462
00:32:40,625 --> 00:32:41,668
Damn it, it's not fa--

463
00:32:41,835 --> 00:32:43,587
[YELPS]

464
00:32:43,753 --> 00:32:45,422
- What's the matter?
- My neck.

465
00:32:45,589 --> 00:32:48,008
My neck. I got a nerve spasm in my neck.

466
00:32:48,175 --> 00:32:50,135
Just take it easy. Show me where it hurts.

467
00:32:50,302 --> 00:32:52,971
I can't straighten it out.
Don't touch me. Don't touch me.

468
00:32:53,138 --> 00:32:56,975
- I just wanna see where it hurts.
- No, no, no. It's tension. I must be tense.

469
00:32:57,142 --> 00:32:58,185
I wouldn't be surprised.

470
00:32:58,351 --> 00:33:00,645
Aah! OW. OW. Aah!

471
00:33:00,812 --> 00:33:03,315
Relax, damn it. Relax.

472
00:33:03,482 --> 00:33:05,734
Don't yell at me. Ow. Ow.

473
00:33:05,901 --> 00:33:09,362
- Does that hurt?
- Oh. No. It feels good. Unh.

474
00:33:09,529 --> 00:33:11,865
You make the same sounds for pain
or happiness.

475
00:33:12,032 --> 00:33:13,492
I know. I know. Heh.

476
00:33:13,658 --> 00:33:17,496
- I think I'm crazy.
- If it'll make you feel any better, I think so too.

477
00:33:17,662 --> 00:33:21,875
Doesn't take much. The first sign of anything
going wrong, and I fall to pieces like that.

478
00:33:22,042 --> 00:33:23,960
Don't stop. It feels good when you rub.

479
00:33:24,127 --> 00:33:26,838
Listen, if you don't relax,
I'm gonna break my fingers.

480
00:33:27,005 --> 00:33:30,800
Look at this, will you? The only man
in the world with clenched hair.

481
00:33:30,967 --> 00:33:32,135
Bend over.

482
00:33:32,302 --> 00:33:34,930
- Ah.
- Just bend over. Attaboy.

483
00:33:35,096 --> 00:33:36,431
Okay, now hold still.

484
00:33:36,890 --> 00:33:40,936
Now, if this hurts, Felix, tell me,
because I don't know what the hell I'm doing.

485
00:33:41,728 --> 00:33:43,730
[FELIX GRUNTING]

486
00:33:50,654 --> 00:33:52,656
[FELIX WHEEZING]

487
00:33:58,954 --> 00:34:00,872
What's that noise?

488
00:34:02,832 --> 00:34:06,253
I can't breathe. It must be the dust.
Open the window. Get some fresh air.

489
00:34:06,419 --> 00:34:09,130
Oh, no. We're not opening any windows
on the 11th floor.

490
00:34:09,297 --> 00:34:11,883
To get some fresh air,
we'll go downstairs for a walk.

491
00:34:12,050 --> 00:34:14,052
[FELIX CONTINUES WHEEZING]

492
00:34:16,137 --> 00:34:18,056
I wish I were like you, Oscar. Strong.

493
00:34:18,223 --> 00:34:22,060
But I'm weak. And I admit it. I'm weak, weak.

494
00:34:22,227 --> 00:34:25,897
You'll outlive today's entire generation.
You want a lick?

495
00:34:26,064 --> 00:34:29,067
You don't understand.
I'm nothing without my wife and kids.

496
00:34:29,234 --> 00:34:30,527
You don't-- I'm nothing.

497
00:34:30,694 --> 00:34:33,572
You're not nothing. You're something.
You're a person.

498
00:34:33,738 --> 00:34:36,908
You're flesh and blood and bones and hair
and nails and ears.

499
00:34:37,075 --> 00:34:39,744
You're not a fish. You're not a buffalo.
You're you.

500
00:34:39,911 --> 00:34:41,955
You walk and talk and cry and complain...

501
00:34:42,122 --> 00:34:45,041
...and eat little green pills
and send suicide telegrams.

502
00:34:45,208 --> 00:34:46,918
No one else does that, Felix. No one.

503
00:34:47,085 --> 00:34:50,672
I'm telling you,
you're the only one of its kind in the world.

504
00:34:52,424 --> 00:34:54,301
You've stained me.

505
00:34:55,635 --> 00:34:58,138
Chocolate ice cream stains. That's a stain.

506
00:34:58,305 --> 00:35:01,224
-Ice cream doesn't stain.
- Oh, vanilla and coffee don't stain.

507
00:35:01,391 --> 00:35:03,476
Chocolate does. That's a stain.

508
00:35:05,061 --> 00:35:08,106
OSCAR: Felix, leave that alone, will you?
You're gonna get a water stain.

509
00:35:08,273 --> 00:35:11,234
That's not gonna come out.
That's a permanent stain.

510
00:35:11,985 --> 00:35:13,236
You ready to order now?

511
00:35:13,403 --> 00:35:15,447
- Oh, hi.
- Hey, there's my little pussycat.

512
00:35:15,614 --> 00:35:16,740
Come over here, darling.

513
00:35:16,906 --> 00:35:19,409
For a tip, I'm gonna leave you the key
to my apartment.

514
00:35:19,576 --> 00:35:23,830
- Is it informal, or can I bring my husband?
- Never mind. I can't wait that long.

515
00:35:23,997 --> 00:35:26,124
How about five quick minutes
behind the cash register?

516
00:35:26,291 --> 00:35:27,334
[OSCAR SNORTING]

517
00:35:27,500 --> 00:35:28,668
[WAITRESS SHRIEKS THEN LAUGHS]

518
00:35:28,835 --> 00:35:30,879
If you bite, I can't write.

519
00:35:31,046 --> 00:35:33,923
- What will you have?
- A cup of hot tea for me, please.

520
00:35:34,549 --> 00:35:38,553
Cup of hot tea for Diamond Jim Brady.
You gonna eat anything?

521
00:35:39,596 --> 00:35:41,431
Let's see. I just had an ice cream.

522
00:35:41,598 --> 00:35:48,480
Give me a corned beef on rye, all fat,
and a high-calorie cream soda.

523
00:35:48,938 --> 00:35:51,399
[BABY-TALKS]
Isn't she cute?

524
00:35:51,566 --> 00:35:52,651
[OSCAR LAUGHING]

525
00:35:56,529 --> 00:35:58,823
If you don't try, how you gonna find out?

526
00:35:58,990 --> 00:36:01,159
Exactly. It's very easy for you and me, Oscar.

527
00:36:01,326 --> 00:36:04,037
We're men. We're out in the world.
We can meet new people.

528
00:36:04,204 --> 00:36:06,039
- What about Frances?
- What about Frances?

529
00:36:06,206 --> 00:36:10,585
Divorce is much harder on the woman.
She's alone with the kids, stuck in the house.

530
00:36:10,752 --> 00:36:14,422
How's she gonna meet somebody now,
at her age, with two kids? And where?

531
00:36:14,589 --> 00:36:16,883
I don't know.
Maybe someone will come to the door.

532
00:36:17,050 --> 00:36:21,304
- Felix, can we stop talking about Frances?
- What would you like me to do, just forget her?

533
00:36:21,471 --> 00:36:24,224
How do you wipe out 12 years of marriage
just like that?

534
00:36:24,391 --> 00:36:26,685
You don't. Those are the facts.
You gotta face it.

535
00:36:26,851 --> 00:36:29,854
You can't spend the rest of your life crying.
It annoys people in the movies.

536
00:36:30,313 --> 00:36:31,398
[SHIVERS]

537
00:36:31,564 --> 00:36:34,192
OSCAR: What's the matter?
- Too cold. It's the air conditioning.

538
00:36:34,359 --> 00:36:37,529
Why do they always turn those up so high?
I'll probably get the flu.

539
00:36:37,696 --> 00:36:41,574
OSCAR: Want me to ask them for a blanket?
- You gotta be careful with air conditioning.

540
00:36:41,741 --> 00:36:44,828
Frances and I got one.
I never let her turn it on in the summer.

541
00:36:44,994 --> 00:36:46,955
- Oh. She must be crazy about that.
FELIX: Come on.

542
00:36:47,122 --> 00:36:50,375
- Where you going?
- Come on. Let's move to another table.

543
00:36:54,295 --> 00:36:55,839
[SNORTS]

544
00:36:56,005 --> 00:36:57,716
- Excuse me.
- Aha, oh, I knew it.

545
00:36:57,882 --> 00:36:59,884
[FELIX SNORTING AND GRUNTING]

546
00:37:01,845 --> 00:37:03,012
What's the matter now?

547
00:37:04,055 --> 00:37:07,851
Oh. I got this-- My ears are filling up.
I got this sinus condition.

548
00:37:08,017 --> 00:37:10,770
It's the change in temperature.
I always get it from air conditioning.

549
00:37:10,937 --> 00:37:13,189
[FELIX SNORTING AND GRUNTING]

550
00:37:13,356 --> 00:37:16,609
- Maybe it'll go away.
FELIX: No. It's all part of my allergies.

551
00:37:16,776 --> 00:37:19,320
- I get them in the summer.
- Only in the summer?

552
00:37:19,738 --> 00:37:21,781
In the winter too. I get them all year long.

553
00:37:21,948 --> 00:37:25,785
I'm allergic to foods and pillows
and curtains and perfumes. Heh.

554
00:37:25,952 --> 00:37:29,789
Can you imagine that? Allergic to perfumes.
That used to drive Frances crazy.

555
00:37:29,956 --> 00:37:33,501
For a while, she couldn't wear anything
except my aftershave lotion.

556
00:37:33,668 --> 00:37:36,296
I was impossible to live with.

557
00:37:36,463 --> 00:37:38,465
[FELIX YELLING AND SNORTING]

558
00:37:48,892 --> 00:37:50,727
Stop that, will you? What are you doing?

559
00:37:50,894 --> 00:37:53,021
I'm trying to clear up my ears. Fmah.

560
00:37:53,188 --> 00:37:56,024
You create a pressure inside your head.
It opens up the eustachian tubes.

561
00:37:56,191 --> 00:37:58,359
[YELLING AND SNORTING]

562
00:38:10,663 --> 00:38:11,748
[FELIX SIGHS]

563
00:38:11,915 --> 00:38:12,957
Did it open up?

564
00:38:13,124 --> 00:38:14,167
Uh-huh.

565
00:38:14,334 --> 00:38:15,543
I think I strained my throat.

566
00:38:15,710 --> 00:38:16,753
[CLEARS THROAT]

567
00:38:17,212 --> 00:38:18,296
[FELIX SNIFFS THEN GRUNTS]

568
00:38:18,463 --> 00:38:20,465
[FELIX CLEARING THROAT]

569
00:38:21,174 --> 00:38:23,593
Felix, will you leave yourself alone?
Don't tinker.

570
00:38:23,760 --> 00:38:25,512
I know.

571
00:38:26,054 --> 00:38:28,890
I can't help it. I drive everybody crazy.

572
00:38:30,642 --> 00:38:33,228
A marriage counselor
once kicked me out of his office.

573
00:38:33,394 --> 00:38:35,980
Wrote on my chart "lunatic."

574
00:38:37,565 --> 00:38:40,318
It takes two to make a rotten marriage.

575
00:38:42,487 --> 00:38:44,948
You don't know what I was like at home.

576
00:38:46,241 --> 00:38:48,034
I'm a compulsive cleaner.

577
00:38:48,201 --> 00:38:50,620
Always cleaning up after Frances.

578
00:38:50,787 --> 00:38:53,164
Then I'd go into the kitchen
and recook her meals...

579
00:38:53,331 --> 00:38:56,876
...because I'm also a much better cook
than she is.

580
00:38:58,211 --> 00:39:01,297
I cooked myself right out of a marriage.

581
00:39:01,464 --> 00:39:03,383
Stupid damned idiot.

582
00:39:03,550 --> 00:39:06,761
Ah. Hey, Felix, don't do that.
You'll get a headache.

583
00:39:06,928 --> 00:39:10,181
I can't stand it anymore. It's just...

584
00:39:15,562 --> 00:39:17,063
I hate me.

585
00:39:17,230 --> 00:39:19,983
Oh, boy, do I hate me.

586
00:39:20,149 --> 00:39:22,443
Eh, you don't hate you. You love you.

587
00:39:22,610 --> 00:39:26,531
- You think no one else has problems like you.
- I thought you were my friend.

588
00:39:26,698 --> 00:39:30,618
I am. That's why I can talk this way,
because I love you almost as much as you do.

589
00:39:30,785 --> 00:39:32,078
Then why don't you help?

590
00:39:32,245 --> 00:39:34,914
Help? How can I help you
when I can't even help myself?

591
00:39:35,081 --> 00:39:37,792
You think you're impossible
to live with? Heh.

592
00:39:37,959 --> 00:39:40,378
Blanche used to say,
"What time do you want dinner?"

593
00:39:40,545 --> 00:39:42,380
I'd say, "I don't know. I'm not hungry."

594
00:39:42,547 --> 00:39:45,550
Then 3:00 in the morning,
I'd wake her up and I'd say, "Now."

595
00:39:46,885 --> 00:39:50,680
I've been one of the highest-paid sportswriters
in the East for the past 14 years.

596
00:39:50,847 --> 00:39:53,975
We saved $8.50 in pennies.
I'm never home. I gamble.

597
00:39:54,142 --> 00:39:59,188
I burn cigar holes in furniture, drink like a fish,
lie to her every chance I get.

598
00:39:59,564 --> 00:40:01,983
Then for our 10th wedding anniversary,
I took her...

599
00:40:02,150 --> 00:40:06,571
...to the New York Rangers-Detroit Red Wings
hockey game, where she got hit by a puck.

600
00:40:08,740 --> 00:40:13,369
I still can't figure out why she left me.
That's how impossible I am.

601
00:40:14,495 --> 00:40:17,290
Come on, let's get out of here.
The muggers will be here soon.

602
00:40:18,374 --> 00:40:21,669
I don't think I can take it living alone, Oscar.

603
00:40:24,464 --> 00:40:28,301
In two weeks, I'll go to pieces.
How will I work? How will I make a living?

604
00:40:28,468 --> 00:40:32,889
OSCAR: You'll go on street corners and cry.
They'll throw nickels at you. You'll work.

605
00:40:33,056 --> 00:40:34,349
Tonight you'll sleep here.

606
00:40:34,515 --> 00:40:37,936
Tomorrow you get your clothes
and electric toothbrush and move in with me.

607
00:40:38,102 --> 00:40:39,979
It's your apartment. I'll just be in the way.

608
00:40:40,146 --> 00:40:43,608
Ah, there's eight rooms. We could go
for a year without seeing each other.

609
00:40:43,775 --> 00:40:45,068
I want you to move in.

610
00:40:45,234 --> 00:40:48,071
- Why? I'm a pest.
- I know. You don't have to keep telling me.

611
00:40:48,237 --> 00:40:51,783
- Why you want me to move in?
- Because I can't stand living alone, that's why.

612
00:40:51,950 --> 00:40:55,119
For crying out loud, I'm proposing to you.
What do you want, a ring?

613
00:40:57,163 --> 00:40:59,832
Oscar, if you mean it,
there's a lot I can do around here.

614
00:40:59,999 --> 00:41:03,628
I'm very handy. I know how to fix things.
I fixed my wife's hair dryer.

615
00:41:03,795 --> 00:41:05,797
OSCAR:
I don't have a hair dryer. Blanche took it.

616
00:41:05,964 --> 00:41:08,216
FELIX: Well, let me do something.
I gotta do something.

617
00:41:08,383 --> 00:41:12,011
OSCAR: You can take my wife's initials
off the towels, anything you say.

618
00:41:12,178 --> 00:41:14,389
Come here, you can sleep in here.
Brucey's room.

619
00:41:15,306 --> 00:41:17,934
I can cook. You know? I'm a terrific cook.

620
00:41:18,101 --> 00:41:21,104
You don't have to cook.
I got enough potato chips to last a year.

621
00:41:21,270 --> 00:41:24,899
Two meals a day at home. We'll save a fortune.
We gotta pay alimony, you know.

622
00:41:25,066 --> 00:41:26,401
Okay, Felix, you can cook.

623
00:41:26,567 --> 00:41:27,986
- You like leg of lamb?
- Yeah.

624
00:41:28,152 --> 00:41:29,529
I'll make it this weekend.

625
00:41:29,696 --> 00:41:32,699
Oh, I gotta call Frances.
She's got my big pot.

626
00:41:33,116 --> 00:41:36,703
Hey, will you forget Frances?
We'll get our own pots.

627
00:41:36,869 --> 00:41:39,038
Don't drive me crazy before you move in here,
will you?

628
00:41:39,205 --> 00:41:40,415
[PHONE RINGING]

629
00:41:40,581 --> 00:41:43,334
Well, listen, Oscar, uh...

630
00:41:43,501 --> 00:41:47,046
Hey, if I do anything that irritates you
or gets on your nerves...

631
00:41:47,213 --> 00:41:49,549
...don't be afraid to tell me.
It's your apartment.

632
00:41:49,716 --> 00:41:51,759
I don't wanna do anything to irritate you.

633
00:41:51,926 --> 00:41:53,469
Hello. Oh, hello, Frances.

634
00:41:53,636 --> 00:41:56,139
I'm not here. I'm not here.
You haven't heard from me.

635
00:41:56,305 --> 00:41:59,976
You don't know where I've been.
You didn't see me. I didn't call. I'm not here.

636
00:42:00,143 --> 00:42:01,769
Yes, he's here.

637
00:42:03,563 --> 00:42:05,773
- Yes.
- How's she sound? Is she worried? Huh?

638
00:42:05,940 --> 00:42:08,484
What's she saying? Is she crying?

639
00:42:08,651 --> 00:42:11,154
Does she wanna speak to me?
I don't wanna talk to her.

640
00:42:11,320 --> 00:42:13,031
No, no, he's gonna stay here with me.

641
00:42:13,197 --> 00:42:16,617
And you can tell her I'm not coming back there,
either, because I've had it.

642
00:42:16,784 --> 00:42:19,829
I've taken just as much as she has.
I'm human too, you know.

643
00:42:19,996 --> 00:42:22,582
She's not the only one
that's suffered in this marriage.

644
00:42:22,749 --> 00:42:25,168
- So tell her that. Go on, tell her.
- Yes, he's fine.

645
00:42:25,334 --> 00:42:29,505
Don't tell her I'm fine. You heard how I was
carrying on before. I was gonna kill myself.

646
00:42:29,672 --> 00:42:32,008
- Why did you tell her I'm fine?
- Yes, I understand.

647
00:42:32,175 --> 00:42:35,011
- Ask her if she wants to speak to me.
- You wanna speak to him?

648
00:42:35,178 --> 00:42:37,305
- Give me the phone.
- You don't wanna speak to him.

649
00:42:37,472 --> 00:42:40,516
- She doesn't wanna speak to me?
- Yes, I understand. Okay, good night, Frances.

650
00:42:40,683 --> 00:42:41,726
On"

651
00:42:41,893 --> 00:42:44,979
- She doesn't want to speak to me?
- No.

652
00:42:46,147 --> 00:42:47,982
Why did she call?

653
00:42:49,692 --> 00:42:52,695
Wants to know when you're coming over
for your clothes.

654
00:42:52,862 --> 00:42:55,364
She wants to have the room repainted.

655
00:42:56,449 --> 00:42:59,368
Listen, Felix, it's almost 1:00.
Let's go to bed, huh?

656
00:42:59,535 --> 00:43:01,037
She didn't wanna speak to me.

657
00:43:01,204 --> 00:43:04,916
I'll get you a pair of pajamas.
You like stripes, dots or animals?

658
00:43:05,083 --> 00:43:07,752
I wanna kill myself,
and she's picking out colors.

659
00:43:08,377 --> 00:43:11,422
How about some slippers?
I got some house slippers for you.

660
00:43:11,589 --> 00:43:13,174
I'm glad.

661
00:43:14,342 --> 00:43:16,969
Because she finally made me realize it's over.

662
00:43:17,136 --> 00:43:19,180
It didn't sink in until just this minute.

663
00:43:19,972 --> 00:43:24,519
- Felix, I want you to go to bed.
- My marriage is really over.

664
00:43:25,103 --> 00:43:28,439
Well, it doesn't seem so bad now.
I think I can live with this thing.

665
00:43:28,606 --> 00:43:32,777
- Live with it tomorrow. Go to bed tonight.
- In a few minutes. I gotta think.

666
00:43:32,944 --> 00:43:34,278
Gotta rearrange my life.

667
00:43:34,445 --> 00:43:37,949
Felix, this is my apartment.
I make up the bedtime.

668
00:43:38,116 --> 00:43:40,701
You don't understand.
I just wanna be alone for a while.

669
00:43:40,868 --> 00:43:43,830
- You go to bed, I'm gonna clean up.
- You don't have to clean up.

670
00:43:43,996 --> 00:43:45,665
I can't sleep with a room like this.

671
00:43:45,832 --> 00:43:49,001
You go to bed. I'll see you in the morning.
I'll cook you breakfast.

672
00:43:49,168 --> 00:43:51,003
OSCAR:
Listen, Felix, you're not gonna...?

673
00:43:51,170 --> 00:43:54,507
You're not gonna do anything big
like rolling up rugs, are you?

674
00:43:54,674 --> 00:43:57,093
Heh. No. Ten minutes.
That's all I'm gonna be.

675
00:43:57,260 --> 00:44:00,221
Just 1O minutes.
I'm gonna do the dishes and go to bed.

676
00:44:00,388 --> 00:44:02,390
He's gonna do the dishes.

677
00:44:03,724 --> 00:44:05,726
[FELIX HUMMING]

678
00:44:08,104 --> 00:44:09,814
FELIX:
Hey, Oscar.

679
00:44:09,981 --> 00:44:11,816
- Yeah?
- Oscar...

680
00:44:11,983 --> 00:44:13,276
...I'm gonna be all right.

681
00:44:13,442 --> 00:44:16,237
It may take a few days. I'm gonna be all right.

682
00:44:16,404 --> 00:44:18,406
- Good. Good.
- Yeah.

683
00:44:18,573 --> 00:44:21,576
- Good night, Felix.
- Good night, Frances.

684
00:44:29,709 --> 00:44:32,128
OSCAR: Morning, Harry.
- Good morning.

685
00:44:32,295 --> 00:44:34,297
Hey, there's my bus.
See you tonight, Oscar.

686
00:44:34,463 --> 00:44:36,340
Right, Fel.

687
00:44:44,223 --> 00:44:46,767
Hey, Oscar, what will I make for dinner?

688
00:44:52,940 --> 00:44:54,942
[CROWD CHATTERING]

689
00:44:57,737 --> 00:45:03,201
<i>MAN</i> [OVER PA]: <i>The batter, Number 9,
Bill Mazeroski, second base.</i>

690
00:45:07,747 --> 00:45:09,832
UMPIRE:
Strike!

691
00:45:10,541 --> 00:45:12,835
Well, that's the ballgame.

692
00:45:13,753 --> 00:45:15,129
It's not over yet.

693
00:45:15,296 --> 00:45:18,216
Bases loaded, Mazeroski up, ninth inning...

694
00:45:18,382 --> 00:45:20,801
...you expect the Mets
to hold a one-run lead?

695
00:45:20,968 --> 00:45:24,096
What's the matter,
you never heard of a triple play?

696
00:45:24,263 --> 00:45:25,556
[PHONE RINGS]

697
00:45:27,016 --> 00:45:28,935
Hello.

698
00:45:29,101 --> 00:45:30,311
Uh-huh.

699
00:45:31,062 --> 00:45:32,355
Phone for you, Madison.

700
00:45:32,521 --> 00:45:34,232
I'll Call them back.

701
00:45:34,398 --> 00:45:37,026
He says it's an emergency.

702
00:45:40,446 --> 00:45:42,990
- Yeah?
- Oscar, just called to tell you...

703
00:45:43,157 --> 00:45:45,326
...don't eat any frankfurters at the ballgame.

704
00:45:45,493 --> 00:45:47,995
I decided to make franks and beans
for dinner tonight.

705
00:45:48,955 --> 00:45:50,957
[CROWD CHEERING]

706
00:45:54,627 --> 00:45:57,421
A triple play! The Mets did it!

707
00:45:57,588 --> 00:45:59,799
The greatest fielding play I ever saw!

708
00:45:59,966 --> 00:46:03,594
And you missed it, Oscar! You missed it!

709
00:46:05,638 --> 00:46:09,267
Are you crazy? Are you out of your mind?

710
00:46:09,433 --> 00:46:12,520
Take your frankfurters and...!

711
00:46:13,312 --> 00:46:16,607
Oscar? Hey, Oscar?

712
00:46:20,361 --> 00:46:22,363
[SIREN WAILING]

713
00:46:42,174 --> 00:46:43,217
[DOORBELL BUZZING]

714
00:46:49,307 --> 00:46:50,349
I'm sorry I'm late.

715
00:46:50,516 --> 00:46:51,559
- Wipe your feet.
- What?

716
00:46:51,726 --> 00:46:54,520
If you know what's good for you,
you'd better wipe your feet.

717
00:46:55,396 --> 00:46:57,481
How's the game going?

718
00:47:00,443 --> 00:47:02,695
Hey, what happened to the apartment?

719
00:47:02,862 --> 00:47:05,364
<i>It's been</i> given <i>the Good Housekeeping
seal of approval.</i>

720
00:47:05,531 --> 00:47:06,907
Deal the cards.

721
00:47:07,074 --> 00:47:08,117
- Hey, Murray.
- Ante.

722
00:47:08,284 --> 00:47:10,077
- Ante up. Whatever it was.
- A quarter.

723
00:47:10,244 --> 00:47:12,246
- Everybody in?
-It's a quarter.

724
00:47:13,205 --> 00:47:14,540
- What are we playing?
- Seven-card.

725
00:47:14,707 --> 00:47:15,958
[FELIX HUMMING]

726
00:47:21,005 --> 00:47:22,173
[VINNIE CHUCKLES]

727
00:47:23,507 --> 00:47:25,634
- A cold glass of beer for Roy.
- Thank you.

728
00:47:25,801 --> 00:47:27,261
- Where's your coaster?
- My what?

729
00:47:27,428 --> 00:47:30,306
Your coaster.
A little round thing that goes under the glass.

730
00:47:30,973 --> 00:47:32,350
I think I bet it.

731
00:47:32,683 --> 00:47:34,894
Here, here, here.
I knew I was winning too much.

732
00:47:35,061 --> 00:47:36,896
Always try to use the coasters, fellas.

733
00:47:37,438 --> 00:47:38,814
Scotch, little bit of water.

734
00:47:38,981 --> 00:47:40,941
Scotch and water, and I have my coaster.

735
00:47:41,108 --> 00:47:43,778
I don't wanna be a pest,
but you know what wet glasses do.

736
00:47:43,944 --> 00:47:46,947
- They leave little rings on the table.
- Little rings on the table.

737
00:47:47,114 --> 00:47:49,158
And we don't want little rings on the table.

738
00:47:49,325 --> 00:47:52,703
And we have a nice warm sandwich
for Vinnie.

739
00:47:52,870 --> 00:47:55,623
Ah, gee, it smells good. What is it?

740
00:47:55,790 --> 00:47:58,042
Bacon, lettuce and tomato
on pumpernickel toast.

741
00:47:58,209 --> 00:48:00,211
VINNIE: You mean you just made it?
- One, two, three.

742
00:48:00,378 --> 00:48:04,840
- You put in toast and cooked bacon just for me?
- Don't like it, he'll make you meat loaf.

743
00:48:05,466 --> 00:48:08,594
You know how I love to--
Eat over the dish. I just vacuumed the rug.

744
00:48:08,761 --> 00:48:10,221
- Huh? Huh?
VINNIE: Mm. It's good.

745
00:48:10,388 --> 00:48:11,764
Hey, Oscar, what did you want?

746
00:48:11,931 --> 00:48:14,600
Two S-and-a-half-minute eggs
and some petite fours.

747
00:48:14,767 --> 00:48:18,020
Ha, ha. Oh, double gin and tonic, right?
Be with you in a minute.

748
00:48:18,187 --> 00:48:20,439
- Who turned off the dehumidifier?
MURRAY: The what?

749
00:48:20,606 --> 00:48:23,651
The dehumidifier. Fellas, I asked you.
Don't play with this thing.

750
00:48:23,818 --> 00:48:26,779
I'm trying to get some of the grime
out of the air. Gee whiz.

751
00:48:27,113 --> 00:48:29,907
Murray, I'll give you $200 for your gun.

752
00:48:30,074 --> 00:48:34,495
I can't take it anymore. In the last three hours,
we've played four minutes of poker.

753
00:48:34,662 --> 00:48:37,498
I'm not giving up Friday nights
to watch cooking and cleaning.

754
00:48:37,665 --> 00:48:41,043
I can't breathe. That lousy machine
is sucking everything out of the air.

755
00:48:41,210 --> 00:48:44,880
- This is delicious. Who wants a bite?
- I didn't have supper. ls the toast warm?

756
00:48:45,047 --> 00:48:48,342
Perfect. And not too much mayonnaise.
It's really a well-made sandwich.

757
00:48:48,509 --> 00:48:49,718
Cut me off a little piece.

758
00:48:49,885 --> 00:48:52,054
Give me your napkin.
I don't wanna drop crumbs.

759
00:48:52,221 --> 00:48:54,473
Martha and Gertrude at the Automat.

760
00:48:54,640 --> 00:48:58,686
That thing could kill us. They'll find us
in the morning with our tongues on the floor.

761
00:48:58,853 --> 00:49:00,813
Do something. Get him back into the game.

762
00:49:00,980 --> 00:49:04,775
Don't come to me with your petty problems.
You get this one stinking night a week.

763
00:49:04,942 --> 00:49:08,028
I'm cooped up here with Mary Poppins
24 hours a day.

764
00:49:08,195 --> 00:49:09,947
Felix, get in here, will you?

765
00:49:10,114 --> 00:49:11,949
FELIX:
Coming.

766
00:49:12,199 --> 00:49:15,661
It was better before,
with the garbage and the smoke.

767
00:49:15,828 --> 00:49:17,746
- Did you notice what he does?
- What?

768
00:49:17,913 --> 00:49:20,666
He cuts off the crusts.
That's why the sandwich is so light.

769
00:49:20,833 --> 00:49:23,669
And only uses the soft green part of the lettuce.
It's really delicious.

770
00:49:23,836 --> 00:49:26,922
- I'm going out of my mind.
- Felix, will you get in here?

771
00:49:27,089 --> 00:49:29,508
- I'm not gonna ask again.
- Forget it. I'm going home.

772
00:49:29,675 --> 00:49:32,803
The day his marriage busted up
was the end of our poker game.

773
00:49:32,970 --> 00:49:35,306
Speed, you can't run out now.
I'm a big loser.

774
00:49:35,473 --> 00:49:38,017
You got no one to blame but yourself.
It's your fault.

775
00:49:38,184 --> 00:49:40,603
You're the one who stopped him
from killing himself.

776
00:49:42,938 --> 00:49:45,232
He's right. That man is absolutely right.

777
00:49:45,399 --> 00:49:48,444
- You gonna eat that pickle?
- I wasn't thinking of it. You want it?

778
00:49:48,611 --> 00:49:51,780
- Unless you want it. It's your pickle.
- I don't usually eat pickles.

779
00:49:51,947 --> 00:49:53,908
- Deal the cards.
- What did you do that for?

780
00:49:54,074 --> 00:49:57,536
You wanna play poker, deal the cards.
You wanna eat, go to a delicatessen.

781
00:49:57,703 --> 00:49:59,747
Keep your pickles
and sandwiches to yourself.

782
00:49:59,914 --> 00:50:02,750
I'm losing $53 here,
and everybody's getting fat.

783
00:50:02,917 --> 00:50:04,502
- Felix!
- What?

784
00:50:04,668 --> 00:50:08,547
Close the stinking restaurant and sit down.
We got a poker game going on here.

785
00:50:09,256 --> 00:50:12,718
Is it up to me--?
Who threw a pickle on my floor?

786
00:50:12,885 --> 00:50:13,928
I don't think that's funny.

787
00:50:14,094 --> 00:50:15,804
[ROY SNIFFING]

788
00:50:15,971 --> 00:50:19,058
What is that smell? Disinfectant?

789
00:50:21,602 --> 00:50:24,271
It's the cards. He washed the cards.

790
00:50:25,773 --> 00:50:29,777
- I'm getting out of here. I can't stand any more.
- Wait a minute, Roy. Where you going?

791
00:50:29,944 --> 00:50:33,739
I've been sitting here breathing cleaning fluid
and ammonia for three hours.

792
00:50:33,906 --> 00:50:37,618
Nature didn't intend
for poker to be played like that.

793
00:50:39,078 --> 00:50:41,163
Okay, ready to play.

794
00:50:41,330 --> 00:50:44,083
- Good. We got just enough for handball.
- Where is everybody?

795
00:50:44,250 --> 00:50:47,670
You got the nerve to ask that question?
I just been sterilized out of $53.

796
00:50:47,836 --> 00:50:49,421
Well, I'm sorry. Is it my fault, fellas?

797
00:50:49,588 --> 00:50:52,091
Aw, no.
I guess no one feels like playing tonight.

798
00:50:52,258 --> 00:50:54,510
I'd better be going too. Gotta get up early.

799
00:50:54,677 --> 00:50:57,388
- Bebe and I are driving to Asbury Park.
- Just the two of you?

800
00:50:57,555 --> 00:50:58,597
VINNIE: Mm-hm.
- That's nice.

801
00:50:58,764 --> 00:51:00,474
You always do things like that together?

802
00:51:00,641 --> 00:51:02,726
We have to. I don't know how to drive.

803
00:51:02,893 --> 00:51:06,272
- You coming, Murray?
- Yeah. Why not?

804
00:51:07,022 --> 00:51:11,151
I gotta stop off and get Mimi a hero sandwich
and a frozen éclair.

805
00:51:11,819 --> 00:51:15,155
Marriage. Heh. Those two playboys
sure got the life, huh, Vinnie?

806
00:51:15,322 --> 00:51:17,866
Yeah. Some life those playboys got.

807
00:51:18,033 --> 00:51:20,035
[BOTH LAUGHING]

808
00:51:23,956 --> 00:51:26,959
Heh. That's funny, isn't it, Oscar?

809
00:51:27,126 --> 00:51:29,295
They think we're happy.

810
00:51:29,461 --> 00:51:31,005
[FELIX CHUCKLES]

811
00:51:31,797 --> 00:51:34,550
They think we're enjoying ourselves.
Well, they don't know.

812
00:51:34,717 --> 00:51:37,386
They just don't know what it's like
living alone, do they?

813
00:51:37,553 --> 00:51:40,973
I'd be immensely grateful to you, Felix,
if you didn't clean up just now.

814
00:51:41,140 --> 00:51:44,101
Just a few things. But playboys, us.

815
00:51:44,268 --> 00:51:46,729
Ha, ha. That's really funny.

816
00:51:46,895 --> 00:51:49,815
I think they actually envy us.
Well, they should only know.

817
00:51:49,982 --> 00:51:53,819
Will you leave everything alone, please?
I'm not through dirtying up for the night.

818
00:51:53,986 --> 00:51:56,196
Don't you see the irony of it? Huh?

819
00:51:56,363 --> 00:51:57,489
Don't you see the irony?

820
00:51:57,656 --> 00:52:01,535
- Yes, I see it.
- I don't think you do. I don't think you see it.

821
00:52:01,702 --> 00:52:06,624
- Felix, I'm telling you, I see the irony of it.
- Then tell me, what is it? What's the irony?

822
00:52:07,249 --> 00:52:10,085
The irony is that unless we come
to some other arrangement...

823
00:52:10,252 --> 00:52:12,963
...I'm gonna kill you. That's the irony of it.

824
00:52:15,799 --> 00:52:18,761
- What's wrong, Oscar?
- There's something wrong with this system.

825
00:52:18,927 --> 00:52:22,431
I don't think that two single men living alone
in a big eight-room apartment...

826
00:52:22,598 --> 00:52:24,725
...should have a cleaner house
than my mother.

827
00:52:24,892 --> 00:52:28,562
Wait. What are you talking about?
I didn't say that you have to clean up.

828
00:52:28,729 --> 00:52:31,565
What you do is worse.
You're always hanging up my towels.

829
00:52:31,732 --> 00:52:33,734
You follow me around with an ashtray.

830
00:52:33,901 --> 00:52:38,280
Last night I found you washing the floor
and moaning, "Footprints, footprints."

831
00:52:38,447 --> 00:52:39,782
I didn't say they were yours.

832
00:52:39,948 --> 00:52:42,534
Well, they were mine.
I have feet, and they make prints.

833
00:52:42,701 --> 00:52:44,662
You want me to climb across the cabinets?

834
00:52:44,828 --> 00:52:47,122
No, I just want you to walk on the floor.

835
00:52:47,289 --> 00:52:49,416
Oh. Well, I appreciate that. I really do.

836
00:52:49,583 --> 00:52:53,712
All I'm trying to do is keep this place livable.
I didn't know I irritated you that much.

837
00:52:53,879 --> 00:52:55,172
Leave my pictures alone.

838
00:52:55,339 --> 00:52:56,924
I was just trying to even them up.

839
00:52:57,091 --> 00:52:59,927
I want them uneven. They're my pictures.

840
00:53:00,094 --> 00:53:01,887
Even up your own pictures.

841
00:53:02,054 --> 00:53:05,349
Oh. Heh, heh.
I was wondering how long it would take.

842
00:53:05,516 --> 00:53:07,518
How long what would take?

843
00:53:08,560 --> 00:53:09,895
Before I got on your nerves.

844
00:53:11,313 --> 00:53:14,400
I didn't say you got on my nerves.
Please don't do that.

845
00:53:14,566 --> 00:53:18,570
- Same thing. You said I irritated you.
- No, you said you irritated me. I didn't say it.

846
00:53:18,737 --> 00:53:21,490
- What did you say?
- I don't remember. What's the difference?

847
00:53:21,657 --> 00:53:25,077
Doesn't make any difference.
I was just repeating what I thought you said.

848
00:53:25,244 --> 00:53:27,913
Don't repeat what you thought I said.
Repeat what I said.

849
00:53:28,080 --> 00:53:29,665
My God, that's irritating.

850
00:53:29,832 --> 00:53:31,750
You see? You did say it.

851
00:53:31,917 --> 00:53:34,628
I don't believe this whole conversation.

852
00:53:35,671 --> 00:53:38,841
Oscar, I'm sorry.
I don't know what's wrong with me.

853
00:53:39,007 --> 00:53:41,635
Don't pout. You wanna fight, we'll fight,
but don't pout.

854
00:53:41,802 --> 00:53:43,387
Fighting, I win. Pouting, you win.

855
00:53:44,096 --> 00:53:45,681
You're right. You're right.

856
00:53:45,848 --> 00:53:47,766
Everything you say about me is right.

857
00:53:47,933 --> 00:53:51,145
Don't give in so easily. I'm not always right.
Sometimes you're right.

858
00:53:51,311 --> 00:53:53,647
You're right. I do that.
I always figure I'm wrong.

859
00:53:53,814 --> 00:53:56,442
- This time, you are wrong and I'm right.
- Leave me alone.

860
00:53:56,608 --> 00:54:01,697
- And don't sulk. That's the same as pouting.
- I know, I know.

861
00:54:01,864 --> 00:54:03,490
Oh, damn me.

862
00:54:03,657 --> 00:54:08,370
Why can't I do just one lousy thing right?

863
00:54:12,374 --> 00:54:13,792
Why didn't you throw it?

864
00:54:13,959 --> 00:54:16,336
I almost did.
Sometimes I get so insane with myself.

865
00:54:16,503 --> 00:54:18,881
- Then why didn't you?
- I'm trying to control myself.

866
00:54:19,047 --> 00:54:21,759
- Why are you trying to control yourself?
- What do you mean?

867
00:54:21,925 --> 00:54:24,887
You were angry. You felt like throwing the cup.
Why didn't you?

868
00:54:25,053 --> 00:54:27,681
Because I would still be angry
and I'd have a broken cup.

869
00:54:27,848 --> 00:54:30,225
How do you know how you'd feel?
Maybe you'd feel wonderful.

870
00:54:30,392 --> 00:54:33,520
Huh? Why do you have to control
every thought that comes into your head?

871
00:54:33,687 --> 00:54:34,813
Why don't you let loose?

872
00:54:34,980 --> 00:54:38,734
Do something that you feel like doing,
not what you think you're supposed to do.

873
00:54:38,901 --> 00:54:40,986
Stop controlling yourself, Felix.

874
00:54:41,153 --> 00:54:43,238
Relax. Get drunk. Get angry.

875
00:54:43,405 --> 00:54:46,658
Come on! Break the lousy cup!

876
00:54:47,493 --> 00:54:49,745
Ow! I hurt my arm.

877
00:54:50,370 --> 00:54:53,457
You're hopeless.
You're a hopeless mental case.

878
00:54:53,624 --> 00:54:56,293
I shouldn't throw with that arm.
I've got bursitis.

879
00:54:57,461 --> 00:54:58,921
Why don't you live in a closet?

880
00:54:59,087 --> 00:55:02,257
I'll leave your meals outside the door
and slide in the newspapers.

881
00:55:02,424 --> 00:55:05,594
Oh, cut it out. I hurt easily.
That's the way I am. I can't help it.

882
00:55:06,053 --> 00:55:07,429
You're not gonna cry, are you?

883
00:55:07,596 --> 00:55:11,558
I think all those tears dripping on your arm
is what gave you bursitis.

884
00:55:17,439 --> 00:55:19,399
Let me tell you something, Oscar.

885
00:55:19,566 --> 00:55:22,528
I may not be the easiest person
in the world to live with...

886
00:55:22,694 --> 00:55:26,031
...but you could've done a lot worse.
A whole lot worse.

887
00:55:27,908 --> 00:55:29,368
How?

888
00:55:29,535 --> 00:55:31,537
I put order in this house.

889
00:55:31,703 --> 00:55:34,081
For the first time in months,
you're saving money.

890
00:55:34,248 --> 00:55:37,626
You're sleeping on clean sheets,
you're eating hot meals for a change...

891
00:55:37,793 --> 00:55:39,294
...and I did that.

892
00:55:39,878 --> 00:55:41,380
Yes, that's right.

893
00:55:41,547 --> 00:55:46,552
Then at night, after we've had
your halibut steak in your tartare sauce...

894
00:55:46,718 --> 00:55:50,973
...I have to spend the rest of the evening
watching you Saran-wrap the leftovers.

895
00:55:51,139 --> 00:55:53,267
Felix, when are you and I
gonna have some fun?

896
00:55:53,433 --> 00:55:55,477
A little relaxation? Get out of the house?

897
00:55:55,644 --> 00:55:58,814
What are you talking about? We have fun.
Eat over the plate.

898
00:55:58,981 --> 00:56:03,527
Fun? Listen, getting a clear picture
on channel <i>2</i> is not my idea of whoopee.

899
00:56:04,152 --> 00:56:07,489
We don't always watch TV.
Sometimes we read. Sometimes we talk.

900
00:56:07,656 --> 00:56:10,492
No, no, no. I read, and you talk.
I try to work, and you talk.

901
00:56:10,659 --> 00:56:12,160
I go to sleep, and you talk.

902
00:56:12,327 --> 00:56:15,789
We got your life arranged pretty good,
but I'm still looking for entertainment.

903
00:56:15,956 --> 00:56:18,917
- What are you saying, I talk too much?
- No, I'm not complaining.

904
00:56:19,084 --> 00:56:21,003
You got a lot to say.

905
00:56:21,336 --> 00:56:24,631
What's worrying me
is I'm beginning to listen.

906
00:56:26,258 --> 00:56:29,678
- You're not gonna hear another peep.
- You're gonna give me a haircut, are you?

907
00:56:29,845 --> 00:56:33,181
I'm gonna cut up some cabbage and greens
and make coleslaw for tomorrow.

908
00:56:33,348 --> 00:56:36,018
I don't want any coleslaw.
I just wanna have some fun tonight.

909
00:56:36,184 --> 00:56:38,353
- I thought you liked my coleslaw.
- I love your coleslaw.

910
00:56:38,520 --> 00:56:40,647
- Uh-huh.
- I swear, I love your coleslaw.

911
00:56:40,814 --> 00:56:43,859
I'll take your coleslaw with me
to work tomorrow, but not tonight.

912
00:56:44,026 --> 00:56:46,528
- Let's go out of the house.
- All right, let's go.

913
00:56:46,695 --> 00:56:48,864
I only make it for you. I don't like coleslaw.

914
00:56:49,031 --> 00:56:51,199
If you wanted to get out,
why didn't you say so?

915
00:56:51,366 --> 00:56:54,369
You think I like working and slaving
in the kitchen all day long?

916
00:56:58,582 --> 00:56:59,791
Strike. Ow.

917
00:56:59,958 --> 00:57:03,128
How about that? Oscar, you're right.
When you're right, you're right.

918
00:57:03,295 --> 00:57:05,339
A person has to get out of the house
once in a while.

919
00:57:05,505 --> 00:57:06,548
[WOMEN LAUGH]

920
00:57:06,715 --> 00:57:10,969
Hmm? Ah, oh, yes, bowling.
Bowling is wonderful exercise, Felix.

921
00:57:11,136 --> 00:57:15,223
But that's not the kind of relaxation
I had in mind.

922
00:57:15,682 --> 00:57:18,310
- I mean, the night was made for other things.
FELIX: Like what?

923
00:57:18,727 --> 00:57:23,440
Like unless I get to touch something soft
in the next two weeks, I'm in big trouble.

924
00:57:23,607 --> 00:57:25,442
Oh, you mean women?

925
00:57:25,609 --> 00:57:28,153
If you wanna give it a name,
all right, women.

926
00:57:28,320 --> 00:57:32,115
- Funny. I haven't thought of women in weeks.
- I fail to see the humor.

927
00:57:32,282 --> 00:57:33,659
[WOMEN SHRIEKING]

928
00:57:33,825 --> 00:57:38,747
All I'm saying is, why don't we spend one night
talking to someone with higher voices than us?

929
00:57:38,914 --> 00:57:41,959
- You mean, uh--?
- That's what I mean.

930
00:57:45,379 --> 00:57:46,713
- I can't.
- Why not?

931
00:57:46,880 --> 00:57:48,632
I'm just not ready for it yet.

932
00:57:48,799 --> 00:57:51,718
I don't wanna discuss it, all right?
Let's bowl.

933
00:57:56,890 --> 00:57:57,933
[FELIX SIGHS]

934
00:57:58,100 --> 00:58:00,769
I intend to go out.
I get as lonely as the next fella...

935
00:58:00,936 --> 00:58:03,438
...but I've only been separated
for a couple of weeks.

936
00:58:03,605 --> 00:58:05,941
- Give me a little time.
- There isn't any time left.

937
00:58:06,108 --> 00:58:08,777
I saw <i>TV Guide,</i>
and there's nothing on this week.

938
00:58:08,944 --> 00:58:10,737
Twelve in the corner.

939
00:58:11,029 --> 00:58:12,990
What am I asking you, for crying out loud?

940
00:58:13,156 --> 00:58:15,993
All I wanna do is have dinner and laughs
with a couple girls.

941
00:58:16,159 --> 00:58:18,662
Can't you go out yourself?
Why do you have to have me?

942
00:58:18,829 --> 00:58:20,664
I may wanna come back to the apartment.

943
00:58:20,831 --> 00:58:24,543
If we walk in and find you washing
the windows, it puts a damper on things.

944
00:58:24,710 --> 00:58:28,380
- I'll take a pill and go to sleep.
- Why take a pill when you can take a girl?

945
00:58:28,547 --> 00:58:31,258
It'd make me feel guilty.
I'm sorry, but that's why.

946
00:58:31,425 --> 00:58:33,844
If it doesn't make sense to you,
it's the way I feel.

947
00:58:34,011 --> 00:58:35,053
Go ahead and shoot.

948
00:58:43,687 --> 00:58:46,148
Who would I call?
I don't even know any single girls.

949
00:58:46,314 --> 00:58:49,359
Leave that to me.
Two sisters live in our building, English girls.

950
00:58:49,526 --> 00:58:52,696
One is a widow, the other is a divorcee.
They're a barrel of laughs.

951
00:58:52,863 --> 00:58:53,905
How do you know?

952
00:58:54,072 --> 00:58:58,076
I was trapped in the elevator with them
last week. Please, Felix. Please just say yes.

953
00:58:58,243 --> 00:59:00,412
I can call them now.
Please say yes for my sake.

954
00:59:00,579 --> 00:59:01,955
If it means that much to you--

955
00:59:02,122 --> 00:59:04,416
Attababy.
That's the Felix I've been waiting for.

956
00:59:04,583 --> 00:59:07,878
- Wait. What do they look like?
- Don't worry, yours is very pretty.

957
00:59:09,296 --> 00:59:11,298
[CROWD CHATTERING]

958
00:59:13,842 --> 00:59:15,177
Excuse me.

959
00:59:15,343 --> 00:59:17,054
We're all set, 7:30 tomorrow night.

960
00:59:17,220 --> 00:59:19,222
- Which one do I get?
- The divorcée.

961
00:59:19,389 --> 00:59:21,767
- Why do I get the divorcée?
- You want the widow?

962
00:59:21,933 --> 00:59:25,353
I don't want the widow. I don't want
the divorcée. I'm doing this for you.

963
00:59:25,520 --> 00:59:28,774
Take whoever you want.
When they walk in, point to your choice.

964
00:59:28,940 --> 00:59:30,275
I just wanna get some laughs.

965
00:59:30,442 --> 00:59:33,820
What are they, old? I mean, you know, how?
Thirty? Thirty-five? Older?

966
00:59:33,987 --> 00:59:36,156
What's the matter with you?
They're young kids.

967
00:59:36,323 --> 00:59:38,784
Where'd you say you met them?
Did they wanna meet me?

968
00:59:39,659 --> 00:59:41,995
Don't forget and suddenly call
one of them Frances.

969
00:59:42,162 --> 00:59:44,081
It's Gwendolyn and Cecily.

970
00:59:44,247 --> 00:59:47,959
No Frances. Gwendolyn and Cecily.

971
00:59:51,505 --> 00:59:56,051
<i>[SINGING] Rule, Britannia
Britannia, rule the waves</i>

972
00:59:57,385 --> 00:59:59,429
Supposing my kids see me?

973
00:59:59,596 --> 01:00:02,724
I'm going to nightclubs with foreign girls.
I got two American kids to support.

974
01:00:02,891 --> 01:00:03,934
[SIGHS]

975
01:00:09,272 --> 01:00:11,066
- Where are we gonna have dinner?
- What?

976
01:00:11,233 --> 01:00:12,692
Where are we gonna have dinner?

977
01:00:12,859 --> 01:00:16,029
Anywhe-- Anywhere you say.
Chinese, ltalian--

978
01:00:16,196 --> 01:00:18,824
You mean a restaurant? It will cost a fortune.

979
01:00:18,990 --> 01:00:21,743
We'll cut down on laundry.
We don't wear socks on Thursdays.

980
01:00:21,910 --> 01:00:24,371
- We can't afford restaurants. We'll eat here.
- Here?

981
01:00:24,538 --> 01:00:26,373
I'm gonna cook. We'll save 30, 4O dollars.

982
01:00:26,540 --> 01:00:29,835
What kind of a double date is that?
You'll be in the kitchen all night.

983
01:00:30,001 --> 01:00:32,170
No, I won't. I put it up in the afternoon.

984
01:00:32,337 --> 01:00:35,090
Once I get my potatoes in,
I got all the time in the world.

985
01:00:35,257 --> 01:00:37,092
What happened to the whole new Felix?

986
01:00:37,259 --> 01:00:38,343
Who are you calling?

987
01:00:38,510 --> 01:00:40,971
Frances. I wanna get her recipe for meat loaf.

988
01:00:41,138 --> 01:00:43,265
The girls will be crazy about it.

989
01:01:03,368 --> 01:01:05,787
- I'd like fresh ground.
- That's fresh.

990
01:01:05,954 --> 01:01:08,748
That's not fresh. That's packaged.
I want fresh.

991
01:01:08,915 --> 01:01:11,960
- How much?
- Four pounds exactly.

992
01:01:17,382 --> 01:01:19,759
Is that one ripe?

993
01:01:21,386 --> 01:01:23,013
Not for tonight. Couple of days.

994
01:01:23,180 --> 01:01:24,723
- Thank you.
- You're welcome.

995
01:01:29,644 --> 01:01:31,479
[HUMMING]

996
01:01:32,189 --> 01:01:34,357
OSCAR:
Hey. Beautiful.

997
01:01:35,150 --> 01:01:36,193
Beautiful.

998
01:01:36,359 --> 01:01:37,986
[CHUCKLES]

999
01:01:44,951 --> 01:01:47,787
I'm home, dear.

1000
01:01:55,587 --> 01:01:59,841
Mm. Something wonderful
is going on in that kitchen.

1001
01:02:00,008 --> 01:02:01,051
[CHUCKLES]

1002
01:02:01,218 --> 01:02:04,888
No, sir, no doubt about it,
I am the luckiest man on earth.

1003
01:02:05,055 --> 01:02:10,185
Felix? Felix. Felix, listen. I got the wine.
Bétard-Montrachet, six and a quarter.

1004
01:02:10,352 --> 01:02:12,854
You don't mind, do you, pussycat?
We can walk to work this week.

1005
01:02:13,021 --> 01:02:14,064
[OSCAR CHUCKLES]

1006
01:02:14,231 --> 01:02:15,982
No kidding, Felix. You did a great job.

1007
01:02:16,149 --> 01:02:19,361
One little suggestion.
Let's come down a little bit with the lights...

1008
01:02:19,527 --> 01:02:22,530
...and up very softly with the music, huh?

1009
01:02:22,697 --> 01:02:25,659
Hey, do you think Mozart goes good
with meat loaf?

1010
01:02:25,825 --> 01:02:27,494
[CHUCKLES]

1011
01:02:28,620 --> 01:02:29,663
Huh?

1012
01:02:30,455 --> 01:02:34,209
What's the matter, Felix? Something's wrong.
I can tell from your conversation.

1013
01:02:35,252 --> 01:02:37,712
All right, Felix. What is it? What is it?

1014
01:02:38,213 --> 01:02:39,714
What is it?

1015
01:02:40,465 --> 01:02:42,467
Let's start with what time you think it is.

1016
01:02:42,634 --> 01:02:44,886
What time? I don't know, 7:30?

1017
01:02:45,303 --> 01:02:46,680
Seven-thirty? Try 8:00.

1018
01:02:47,013 --> 01:02:48,807
All right, so it's 8:00. So?

1019
01:02:49,432 --> 01:02:52,102
- So you said you'd be home at 7.
- Is that what I said?

1020
01:02:52,269 --> 01:02:54,437
"I'll be home at 7" is what you said.

1021
01:02:55,188 --> 01:02:58,066
So I said I'd be home at 7 and it's 8.
So, what's the problem?

1022
01:02:58,483 --> 01:03:01,945
So if you knew you were gonna be late,
why didn't you call me?

1023
01:03:03,446 --> 01:03:04,864
Huh?

1024
01:03:05,031 --> 01:03:08,243
- I couldn't call you. I was busy.
- Too busy to phone? Where were you?

1025
01:03:08,410 --> 01:03:10,203
- I was in the office.
- In the office?

1026
01:03:10,370 --> 01:03:13,206
- Yes, working.
- I called your office at 7:00. You were gone.

1027
01:03:13,373 --> 01:03:15,834
It took me an hour to get home.
I couldn't get a cab.

1028
01:03:16,001 --> 01:03:18,837
Since when do they have cabs
in Hannigan's Bar?

1029
01:03:19,004 --> 01:03:20,046
Hey, wait a minute.

1030
01:03:20,213 --> 01:03:23,675
I wanna get this down on a tape recorder
because nobody's gonna believe me.

1031
01:03:23,842 --> 01:03:26,469
Now I gotta call you
if I'm coming home late for dinner?

1032
01:03:26,636 --> 01:03:27,887
Not any dinner...

1033
01:03:28,054 --> 01:03:31,599
...just the ones that I've been slaving over
since 5:00 this afternoon...

1034
01:03:31,766 --> 01:03:34,811
...to help save you money
to pay your wife's alimony.

1035
01:03:36,021 --> 01:03:39,441
Felix, this is no time
to have a domestic quarrel.

1036
01:03:39,607 --> 01:03:43,653
We got two girls coming down here
any minute.

1037
01:03:43,820 --> 01:03:45,864
You mean you told them to be here at 8:00?

1038
01:03:46,031 --> 01:03:49,743
I don't remember what I said, 7:30, 8:00.
What the hell difference does it make?

1039
01:03:49,909 --> 01:03:53,788
I'll tell you what difference it makes.
You told me they were gonna be here at 7:30.

1040
01:03:53,955 --> 01:03:56,875
You were gonna be here at 7:00,
help me with the hors d'oeuvres...

1041
01:03:57,042 --> 01:03:59,461
...then at 7:30 they get here
and we have cocktails.

1042
01:03:59,627 --> 01:04:01,087
At 8:00 we're gonna eat dinner.

1043
01:04:01,254 --> 01:04:04,424
Well, it's now 8:00, and my dinner's finished.
The meat loaf is done.

1044
01:04:04,591 --> 01:04:08,261
Now if we don't eat within 15 seconds,
the whole damn thing will be dried out!

1045
01:04:09,054 --> 01:04:10,096
God help me.

1046
01:04:10,513 --> 01:04:13,016
Never mind helping you.
Tell him to save my meat loaf.

1047
01:04:17,228 --> 01:04:18,438
Can't you keep it warm?

1048
01:04:18,605 --> 01:04:22,442
What do you think I am, the magic chef?
I'm lucky I got it to come out at 8:00--

1049
01:04:24,152 --> 01:04:26,988
- What am I gonna do?
- I don't know. Keep pouring gravy on it.

1050
01:04:27,155 --> 01:04:28,948
- What gravy?
- Don't you have any gravy?

1051
01:04:29,115 --> 01:04:30,742
Where am I gonna get gravy at 8:00?

1052
01:04:30,909 --> 01:04:33,620
I don't know.
I thought it comes when you cook the meat.

1053
01:04:33,787 --> 01:04:35,455
"Comes when you cook the..."

1054
01:04:35,622 --> 01:04:37,749
You don't know what you're talking about.

1055
01:04:37,916 --> 01:04:41,044
You just don't know.
You've gotta make gravy. It doesn't come.

1056
01:04:41,211 --> 01:04:42,670
Well, you asked my advice, so--

1057
01:04:42,837 --> 01:04:46,591
Your advice? You didn't even know where
this kitchen was till I showed it to you!

1058
01:04:46,758 --> 01:04:49,135
You wanna talk to me, buddy,
put down that spoon.

1059
01:04:49,302 --> 01:04:51,554
Spoon! Heh. You dumb ignoramus!

1060
01:04:51,721 --> 01:04:53,223
That is a ladle!

1061
01:04:53,390 --> 01:04:55,892
You did not know that's a ladle!

1062
01:04:56,059 --> 01:04:58,853
- Get ahold of yourself.
- You think it's so easy? Go ahead.

1063
01:04:59,020 --> 01:05:00,480
The kitchen's yours, all yours.

1064
01:05:00,647 --> 01:05:03,650
You go make a meat loaf for four people
that come a half hour late. Go on.

1065
01:05:03,817 --> 01:05:05,610
Listen to me.
I'm arguing with him over gravy.

1066
01:05:05,777 --> 01:05:06,820
[DOORBELL BUZZES]

1067
01:05:06,986 --> 01:05:08,571
They're here, the dinner guests.

1068
01:05:08,738 --> 01:05:12,659
I'll get a saw and cut the meat.
Listen, I wanna tell you something.

1069
01:05:12,826 --> 01:05:14,953
I'm not gonna take the blame for this dinner.

1070
01:05:15,120 --> 01:05:16,913
Who even cares about the dinner?

1071
01:05:17,080 --> 01:05:19,499
I care! I take pride in what I do.

1072
01:05:19,666 --> 01:05:21,793
You're gonna explain to them
what happened.

1073
01:05:21,960 --> 01:05:24,379
Okay. You can take a picture of me
coming in at 8:00.

1074
01:05:24,546 --> 01:05:27,298
Now take off that stupid apron
because I'm opening the door.

1075
01:05:27,465 --> 01:05:31,136
I wanna get one thing straight.
This is the last time I cook anything for you.

1076
01:05:31,302 --> 01:05:35,223
People like you don't appreciate a decent meal,
and that's why they have TV dinners.

1077
01:05:35,390 --> 01:05:37,058
- Are you through?
- Yeah, I'm through.

1078
01:05:37,225 --> 01:05:39,060
Then smile.

1079
01:05:41,354 --> 01:05:42,730
Hi there. Ha, ha.

1080
01:05:42,897 --> 01:05:43,982
- Hello.
- Hello.

1081
01:05:44,149 --> 01:05:47,277
- I do hope we're not late.
OSCAR: No, not at all. You timed it perfectly.

1082
01:05:47,444 --> 01:05:49,404
Perfectly. Come on in. Ha, ha.

1083
01:05:49,571 --> 01:05:51,823
Oh, isn't this lovely?

1084
01:05:51,990 --> 01:05:54,409
Thank you. Thank you very much.

1085
01:05:54,576 --> 01:05:57,370
Felix, I'd like you to meet
two elevator acquaintances of mine.

1086
01:05:57,537 --> 01:06:00,498
[OSCAR <i>&</i> WOMEN CHUCKLE]

1087
01:06:00,665 --> 01:06:01,916
Gwendolyn and Cecily.

1088
01:06:02,083 --> 01:06:03,626
No, Cecily and Gwendolyn.

1089
01:06:03,793 --> 01:06:06,546
Oh, I'm terribly sorry.
Cecily and Gwendolyn.

1090
01:06:06,713 --> 01:06:09,132
- Don't tell me. Uh, Robin? No.
- No.

1091
01:06:09,299 --> 01:06:11,509
- Cardinal?
- No, wrong both times. It's Pigeon.

1092
01:06:11,676 --> 01:06:13,928
- Pigeon. Yes. Ha, ha.
- Yes. Ha, ha.

1093
01:06:14,095 --> 01:06:15,847
Cecily and Gwendolyn Pigeon.

1094
01:06:16,014 --> 01:06:17,849
Ha, ha. The Pigeon sisters.

1095
01:06:19,017 --> 01:06:22,312
Or as our friends in Chelsea used to call us,
the Coo-Coo Pigeon sisters.

1096
01:06:22,479 --> 01:06:24,355
[ALL LAUGH]

1097
01:06:24,564 --> 01:06:25,982
GWENDOLYN: Silly.
OSCAR: I like that.

1098
01:06:26,149 --> 01:06:28,067
GWENDOLYN:
Thank you.

1099
01:06:28,234 --> 01:06:32,489
Girls, I'd like you to meet my roommate
and our chef for the evening, Mr. Felix Ungar.

1100
01:06:32,655 --> 01:06:34,324
- How do you do?
FELIX: How do you do?

1101
01:06:34,491 --> 01:06:36,784
- How do you do?
FELIX: How do you do?

1102
01:06:40,330 --> 01:06:41,539
Well, We did that beautifully.

1103
01:06:41,706 --> 01:06:42,749
[ALL CHUCKLE]

1104
01:06:42,916 --> 01:06:44,709
Shall we sit down,
make ourselves comfortable?

1105
01:06:44,876 --> 01:06:48,338
- Yes, I'd love to. Oh, this is so nice.
- Wonderful.

1106
01:06:49,130 --> 01:06:50,173
Perfume.

1107
01:06:50,340 --> 01:06:52,634
Look. Shall I sit here?

1108
01:06:52,800 --> 01:06:55,303
- Sure, sure. Anyplace you like.
<i>- I'll</i> sit next to you.

1109
01:06:55,470 --> 01:06:56,721
Don't sit on the hors cf oeuvres.

1110
01:06:56,888 --> 01:06:58,932
[OSCAR <i>&</i> WOMEN LAUGH]

1111
01:06:59,098 --> 01:07:00,642
Oh.

1112
01:07:00,808 --> 01:07:02,060
[OSCAR <i>&</i> WOMEN CHUCKLE]

1113
01:07:02,227 --> 01:07:04,938
Well... Oh.

1114
01:07:05,104 --> 01:07:07,649
[CECILY & GWENDOLYN CHUCKLING]

1115
01:07:09,526 --> 01:07:13,446
- Well, this is ever so nice, isn't it, Gwen?
- Yes. Yes, it is. Yes.

1116
01:07:13,613 --> 01:07:16,199
And it's so much neater than our flat.
Do you have help?

1117
01:07:16,741 --> 01:07:19,661
- Yes, I have a man who comes in every night.
CECILY: Oh.

1118
01:07:19,827 --> 01:07:21,996
- Oh.
- Oh, ha, ha. Well, aren't you the lucky one?

1119
01:07:22,163 --> 01:07:24,165
[BOTH CHUCKLING]

1120
01:07:28,378 --> 01:07:29,963
[OSCAR CHUCKLES]

1121
01:07:30,129 --> 01:07:33,883
- Boy, this is really nice.
GWENDOLYN: Yes.

1122
01:07:34,050 --> 01:07:36,886
You know, I was telling Felix only yesterday
how we happened to meet.

1123
01:07:37,053 --> 01:07:39,681
CECILY: Oh.
GWENDOLYN: Oh. Who's Felix?

1124
01:07:39,847 --> 01:07:41,808
- He is.
- Oh, yes, of course.

1125
01:07:41,975 --> 01:07:43,643
I'm sorry.

1126
01:07:44,102 --> 01:07:46,604
- It happened to us again this morning.
OSCAR: What did?

1127
01:07:46,771 --> 01:07:49,482
- Stuck in the lift again.
OSCAR: No kidding. Just the two of you?

1128
01:07:49,649 --> 01:07:53,361
And poor Mr. Kessler from the third floor.
We were in there nearly half an hour.

1129
01:07:53,528 --> 01:07:54,737
- Is that right?
CECILY: Mm.

1130
01:07:54,904 --> 01:07:56,155
Well, what happened?

1131
01:07:56,322 --> 01:07:58,032
- Oh, nothing much, I'm afraid.
- Ha, ha.

1132
01:07:58,199 --> 01:07:59,617
Oh, honestly.

1133
01:07:59,784 --> 01:08:01,202
Oh, Gwen.

1134
01:08:01,411 --> 01:08:02,996
[OSCAR <i>&</i> WOMEN LAUGHING]

1135
01:08:03,162 --> 01:08:04,497
[FELIX CHUCKLES]

1136
01:08:08,918 --> 01:08:11,546
- You're terrible.
- I know.

1137
01:08:15,717 --> 01:08:17,719
- Boy, this is really nice.
CECILY & GWENDOLYN: Yes.

1138
01:08:19,012 --> 01:08:21,306
- And ever so much cooler than our place.
- Oh, yes.

1139
01:08:21,472 --> 01:08:22,515
- Cooler?
- Yes.

1140
01:08:22,682 --> 01:08:25,393
Oh, it's like equatorial Africa
on our side of the building.

1141
01:08:25,560 --> 01:08:29,564
Well, last night it was so bad,
Gwen and I sat there in nature's own...

1142
01:08:29,731 --> 01:08:33,526
...cooling ourselves in front of the open fridge.
Can you imagine such a thing?

1143
01:08:33,693 --> 01:08:36,446
- Well, I'm working on it. Ha, ha.
CECILY: Honestly. Ha-ha-ha.

1144
01:08:36,613 --> 01:08:38,865
- Honestly. Ha, ha.
- Ha-ha-ha.

1145
01:08:39,032 --> 01:08:42,285
Well, no. No, actually,
it's impossible to get a night's sleep.

1146
01:08:42,452 --> 01:08:44,412
Cece and I don't know what to do about it.

1147
01:08:44,579 --> 01:08:47,665
- Why don't you sleep with an air conditioner?
- We haven't got one.

1148
01:08:47,832 --> 01:08:50,710
- I know, but we have. Ha-ha-ha.
GWENDOLYN: Oh, you.

1149
01:08:50,877 --> 01:08:54,172
Ooh, I told about that one, didn't I?

1150
01:08:54,380 --> 01:08:56,382
[OSCAR <i>&</i> WOMEN LAUGHING]

1151
01:09:01,846 --> 01:09:03,222
[FELIX CHUCKLES]

1152
01:09:11,939 --> 01:09:14,567
Yeah, they say it may rain Friday.

1153
01:09:15,151 --> 01:09:16,402
CECILY:
Oh?

1154
01:09:19,155 --> 01:09:21,324
Well, that should cool things off a bit.

1155
01:09:22,075 --> 01:09:24,494
Yes, I wouldn't be surprised.

1156
01:09:24,661 --> 01:09:28,998
- Though, sometimes it gets hotter after it rains.
- Yes, it does, doesn't it?

1157
01:09:29,165 --> 01:09:31,668
- Yes. Sometimes it gets a little hotter.
CECILY: Yes, it can do.

1158
01:09:31,834 --> 01:09:33,044
- Mm-hm, mm-hm.
GWENDOLYN: Mm-hm.

1159
01:09:35,004 --> 01:09:36,089
CECILY:
Um...

1160
01:09:36,255 --> 01:09:37,632
- Dinner's served.
- No, it isn't.

1161
01:09:37,799 --> 01:09:39,926
- Yes, it is.
- I'm sure the girls would like...

1162
01:09:40,093 --> 01:09:41,761
...to have a cocktail first, wouldn't you?

1163
01:09:41,928 --> 01:09:45,598
- Ooh. Well, I wouldn't put up a struggle.
- There you are. What would you like?

1164
01:09:45,765 --> 01:09:47,934
I don't really know. What have you got?

1165
01:09:48,101 --> 01:09:49,727
- Meat loaf.
- Oh.

1166
01:09:49,894 --> 01:09:51,354
She means to drink.

1167
01:09:51,521 --> 01:09:54,440
We have everything, and what we don't have,
I mix in the medicine cabinet.

1168
01:09:54,607 --> 01:09:56,609
[OSCAR <i>&</i> WOMEN LAUGHING]

1169
01:09:57,902 --> 01:10:00,947
- What will it be?
- Oh. Um...

1170
01:10:01,114 --> 01:10:04,283
- A double vodka.
- Oh, darling, please. Not before dinner. Please.

1171
01:10:04,450 --> 01:10:08,830
Oh, my sister, honestly,
she watches over me like a mother hen. Ha, ha.

1172
01:10:08,996 --> 01:10:11,416
- Make it a small double vodka.
- Ha, ha.

1173
01:10:11,582 --> 01:10:14,627
Small double vodka.
And for the beautiful mother hen?

1174
01:10:15,253 --> 01:10:18,923
Ooh. Um... Ooh. Um...

1175
01:10:19,090 --> 01:10:22,969
Well, I think I'd like something cool. Um...

1176
01:10:23,136 --> 01:10:28,141
What--? I know. I would like
a double Drambuie with crushed ice.

1177
01:10:28,474 --> 01:10:30,935
Unless, of course,
you haven't got the crushed ice.

1178
01:10:31,102 --> 01:10:33,646
I was up all night with a sledgehammer.

1179
01:10:33,813 --> 01:10:35,648
I shall return.

1180
01:10:35,815 --> 01:10:38,359
Uh, excuse- Oscar?

1181
01:10:38,526 --> 01:10:40,486
- Where you going?
- To get the refreshments.

1182
01:10:40,653 --> 01:10:44,407
-Inside? What am I gonna do?
- You can finish the weather report.

1183
01:10:45,241 --> 01:10:47,577
FELIX:
Don't forget to look at my meat loaf.

1184
01:11:02,633 --> 01:11:04,343
Well...

1185
01:11:18,149 --> 01:11:19,942
[BOTH CHUCKLE]

1186
01:11:26,115 --> 01:11:27,700
Oscar tells me you're sisters.

1187
01:11:27,867 --> 01:11:29,160
[CECILY & GWENDOLYN CHUCKLE]

1188
01:11:29,327 --> 01:11:30,912
- Yes, that's right.
- From England.

1189
01:11:31,078 --> 01:11:33,247
Yes, yes, that's right.

1190
01:11:33,998 --> 01:11:35,583
I see.

1191
01:11:35,750 --> 01:11:36,918
We're not brothers.

1192
01:11:37,084 --> 01:11:38,878
[ALL LAUGH]

1193
01:11:39,045 --> 01:11:40,546
Yes, we know.

1194
01:11:40,713 --> 01:11:42,548
Yes.

1195
01:11:44,175 --> 01:11:45,510
- Although I am a brother.
- Oh?

1196
01:11:45,676 --> 01:11:47,637
Oh, yeah. I have a brother. He's a doctor.

1197
01:11:47,804 --> 01:11:50,014
Lives in Buffalo. That's upstate New York.

1198
01:11:50,181 --> 01:11:52,308
- Yes. We know.
- You know my brother?

1199
01:11:52,475 --> 01:11:55,853
No. No, we know that Buffalo
is upstate in New York.

1200
01:11:56,020 --> 01:11:57,063
Oh.

1201
01:11:57,230 --> 01:11:58,272
- Here.
- Thank you.

1202
01:11:58,439 --> 01:11:59,732
- We've been there.
- Oh.

1203
01:11:59,899 --> 01:12:00,942
Have you?

1204
01:12:01,108 --> 01:12:02,443
- No. Is it nice?
- Oh, it's lovely.

1205
01:12:02,610 --> 01:12:04,779
Oh, isn't that interesting?

1206
01:12:08,741 --> 01:12:09,992
- Oh. Ha, ha.
OSCAR: Ha, ha.

1207
01:12:10,159 --> 01:12:12,495
Silly me. Thank you.

1208
01:12:25,007 --> 01:12:30,054
How long have you two been in, uh,
the United States of America?

1209
01:12:30,221 --> 01:12:32,181
- Oh. Um, four? Four.
- Four.

1210
01:12:32,348 --> 01:12:34,308
Yes, almost four years now.

1211
01:12:35,309 --> 01:12:39,063
- Just visiting?
- No, no, no. We live here.

1212
01:12:39,230 --> 01:12:40,273
Do you work here too?

1213
01:12:40,439 --> 01:12:41,482
- Yes, yes.
- Oh.

1214
01:12:41,649 --> 01:12:43,734
Yes, we're secretaries for a health club.

1215
01:12:43,901 --> 01:12:47,822
People bring us their bodies,
and we do wonderful things with them.

1216
01:12:47,989 --> 01:12:50,950
Actually, if you're interested,
we could get you 10 percent off.

1217
01:12:51,117 --> 01:12:52,618
Off the price, not off your body.

1218
01:12:52,785 --> 01:12:54,620
[ALL LAUGH]

1219
01:12:54,787 --> 01:12:57,665
- Silly thing. Ha-ha-ha.
- I couldn't help it. Ha-ha-ha.

1220
01:12:57,832 --> 01:13:01,002
Oscar! Where's the drinks? Huh?

1221
01:13:01,460 --> 01:13:03,462
[ALL CHUCKLING]

1222
01:13:09,385 --> 01:13:12,263
And what field of endeavor
are you engaged in?

1223
01:13:12,430 --> 01:13:14,390
I write the news for television.

1224
01:13:14,557 --> 01:13:17,143
- Oh.
- Oh, fascinating. Mm.

1225
01:13:17,310 --> 01:13:19,478
Where do you get your ideas from?

1226
01:13:24,191 --> 01:13:26,152
From, uh...

1227
01:13:27,153 --> 01:13:28,279
...the news.

1228
01:13:28,446 --> 01:13:30,531
- Oh.
- Oh, yes, of course. Silly me.

1229
01:13:30,698 --> 01:13:33,784
Well, maybe you can mention Gwen and I
in one of your news reports. Ha, ha.

1230
01:13:34,493 --> 01:13:36,871
Well, you do something spectacular,
maybe I will.

1231
01:13:37,038 --> 01:13:38,080
BOTH:
Oh. Ha, ha.

1232
01:13:38,247 --> 01:13:42,376
We've done spectacular things, but I don't think
we want it spread all over the telly, do you?

1233
01:13:42,543 --> 01:13:44,337
Oh, no. Oh, no.

1234
01:13:44,503 --> 01:13:45,630
- Could you imagine?
- Yes.

1235
01:13:45,838 --> 01:13:47,173
[CECILY & GWENDOLYN LAUGHING]

1236
01:13:47,340 --> 01:13:48,591
[CHUCKLES]

1237
01:13:48,758 --> 01:13:51,260
Oscar!

1238
01:13:52,929 --> 01:13:55,473
This apartment is so big,
sometimes you have to holler.

1239
01:13:55,681 --> 01:13:59,685
- Oh, ha, ha.
- Ah, yes. Well, just you two bashes live here?

1240
01:13:59,852 --> 01:14:02,563
<i>Uh, bashes'?</i>

1241
01:14:03,022 --> 01:14:07,610
Oh, you mean bach--? Bachelors?
Oh, we're not bachelors. We're divorced.

1242
01:14:07,777 --> 01:14:11,030
That is, Oscar's divorced,
and I'm getting, uh...

1243
01:14:12,073 --> 01:14:14,200
- Oh.
- Oh, small world.

1244
01:14:14,367 --> 01:14:16,911
We've cut the dinghy loose too,
as they say. Ha, ha.

1245
01:14:17,078 --> 01:14:19,914
Well, you couldn't have a better matched
foursome, could you?

1246
01:14:20,081 --> 01:14:21,999
I suppose not.

1247
01:14:22,166 --> 01:14:24,794
Although, technically I am a widow.

1248
01:14:24,961 --> 01:14:27,254
I was divorcing my husband...

1249
01:14:27,421 --> 01:14:31,759
...but he died before the final papers
came through.

1250
01:14:31,968 --> 01:14:33,427
Oh.

1251
01:14:35,012 --> 01:14:37,890
Oh, I'm awfully sorry.
Divorce is a terrible thing, isn't it?

1252
01:14:38,057 --> 01:14:40,851
Oh, it can be
if you haven't got the right solicitor.

1253
01:14:41,018 --> 01:14:42,061
Now, that's true.

1254
01:14:42,228 --> 01:14:43,980
Sometimes it can drag out for months.

1255
01:14:44,146 --> 01:14:46,649
I was lucky. Snip, cut, and I was free.

1256
01:14:47,358 --> 01:14:52,238
Oh, but of course,
that's all water under the bridge now, isn't it?

1257
01:14:52,405 --> 01:14:54,615
Um... Uh...

1258
01:14:54,782 --> 01:14:57,910
I'm terribly sorry.
I think I've forgotten your name.

1259
01:14:58,077 --> 01:14:59,537
- Felix.
- Yes, of course. Felix.

1260
01:14:59,704 --> 01:15:01,455
- Like the cat. Ha-ha-ha.
GWENDOLYN: Ha-ha-ha.

1261
01:15:01,622 --> 01:15:02,915
Cat. Ha, ha.

1262
01:15:03,082 --> 01:15:06,085
Oh, well, the Pigeons
will have to beware of the cat, won't they?

1263
01:15:06,252 --> 01:15:08,004
- Woo-hoo.
- That's terrible. Quit it.

1264
01:15:08,170 --> 01:15:09,338
[CECILY & GWENDOLYN LAUGHING]

1265
01:15:09,505 --> 01:15:11,632
Ha, ha. Here.

1266
01:15:12,383 --> 01:15:14,385
That's the worst part about breaking up.

1267
01:15:14,552 --> 01:15:16,554
- Oh.
- Oh.

1268
01:15:17,221 --> 01:15:18,848
Childhood sweethearts, were you?

1269
01:15:19,640 --> 01:15:23,144
No. That's my little boy and girl.
He's 7, and she's 5.

1270
01:15:23,310 --> 01:15:26,063
- Oh, sweet.
- Oh, sweet. Oh.

1271
01:15:26,230 --> 01:15:27,565
They live with their mother.

1272
01:15:27,732 --> 01:15:30,317
Oh. I imagine you must miss them terribly.

1273
01:15:30,484 --> 01:15:34,780
I can't stand being away from them,
but that's what happens with divorce.

1274
01:15:34,947 --> 01:15:37,241
- When do you get to see them?
- Every night.

1275
01:15:37,408 --> 01:15:40,661
I drop by on the way home,
and I take them on weekends.

1276
01:15:40,828 --> 01:15:44,623
- And I get them on holidays, July and August.
- Oh.

1277
01:15:44,790 --> 01:15:48,294
- Well, when is it that you miss them?
- Whenever I'm not there.

1278
01:15:48,461 --> 01:15:51,922
If they didn't have to go to school so early,
I'd make them breakfast.

1279
01:15:52,089 --> 01:15:56,010
- They love my French toast.
- Oh. Well, you certainly are a devoted father.

1280
01:15:56,177 --> 01:15:59,013
-It's Frances who's the wonderful one.
- She's the little girl?

1281
01:15:59,180 --> 01:16:02,141
- No, she's the mother, my wife.
- What, the one you're divorcing?

1282
01:16:02,308 --> 01:16:04,769
Yeah. She's done a terrific job
in bringing them up.

1283
01:16:04,935 --> 01:16:09,690
They always look so nice, so polite.
Speak beautifully. Never "yeah," always "yes."

1284
01:16:09,857 --> 01:16:12,109
- Oh, isn't that lovely?
- Such good kids.

1285
01:16:12,276 --> 01:16:14,528
And she's done it all. She's...

1286
01:16:14,695 --> 01:16:18,074
She's a wonderful woman.
She's the kind of a woman who--

1287
01:16:18,240 --> 01:16:20,743
What am I doing?
You're not interested in any of this.

1288
01:16:20,910 --> 01:16:22,369
Why,nonsense.

1289
01:16:22,536 --> 01:16:24,497
You've a right to be proud.

1290
01:16:24,663 --> 01:16:27,875
You have two beautiful children
and a wonderful ex-wife.

1291
01:16:28,834 --> 01:16:30,544
Here's Frances. See?

1292
01:16:30,711 --> 01:16:33,756
- Oh. Oh, she is pretty.
- Yeah.

1293
01:16:33,923 --> 01:16:37,093
-Isn't she pretty, Cecy?
- Oh, yes. Pretty, pretty girl.

1294
01:16:37,259 --> 01:16:39,637
- She is pretty. Here, isn't that nice?
- Very pretty.

1295
01:16:41,138 --> 01:16:42,306
There's no one in the picture.

1296
01:16:42,473 --> 01:16:44,308
- That's a picture of our living room.
- Ah.

1297
01:16:44,475 --> 01:16:47,978
- We had a beautiful apartment.
- Oh, it is. It's pretty. It's very pretty.

1298
01:16:48,145 --> 01:16:49,688
Those are lovely lamps.

1299
01:16:49,855 --> 01:16:52,900
Oh, thank you. We got those in Mexico...

1300
01:16:53,192 --> 01:16:54,944
...on our honeymoon.

1301
01:16:56,112 --> 01:16:58,405
Gee, I used to love to come home at night.

1302
01:16:58,572 --> 01:17:00,533
That was my whole life.

1303
01:17:00,699 --> 01:17:03,494
My wife and my kids and my apartment.

1304
01:17:08,457 --> 01:17:10,084
Well...

1305
01:17:13,003 --> 01:17:16,173
Does she have the lamps now too?

1306
01:17:16,340 --> 01:17:17,508
Oh, yes. Sure.

1307
01:17:17,675 --> 01:17:18,801
I gave her everything.

1308
01:17:19,301 --> 01:17:20,970
My children...

1309
01:17:21,345 --> 01:17:23,264
...and the lamps.

1310
01:17:24,640 --> 01:17:28,602
I'm sorry. Will you forgive me?
I didn't mean to get emotional.

1311
01:17:30,896 --> 01:17:32,731
Would you like some potato chips?

1312
01:17:32,898 --> 01:17:34,900
[FELIX SOBBING]

1313
01:17:36,277 --> 01:17:38,696
Oh, please.

1314
01:17:38,863 --> 01:17:41,490
Please, you mustn't be ashamed.

1315
01:17:41,657 --> 01:17:45,202
No, I think-- I think it's a rare quality
in a man to be able to cry.

1316
01:17:45,369 --> 01:17:46,745
So do I.

1317
01:17:46,912 --> 01:17:51,208
I think it's sweet. Terribly, terribly sweet.

1318
01:17:51,375 --> 01:17:53,419
Please, because you're just making it worse.

1319
01:17:53,586 --> 01:17:58,716
No. No, it's so refreshing to hear a man
speak so highly of the woman he's divorcing.

1320
01:17:58,883 --> 01:17:59,925
[FELIX SOBBING]

1321
01:18:00,092 --> 01:18:02,553
Oh. Oh, dear.

1322
01:18:03,179 --> 01:18:05,222
Now you've got me thinking
about poor Sydney.

1323
01:18:05,389 --> 01:18:06,724
Oh, Gwen, please.

1324
01:18:06,891 --> 01:18:09,810
No. Well, it was a good marriage at first,
wasn't it?

1325
01:18:09,977 --> 01:18:11,103
Yes.

1326
01:18:11,270 --> 01:18:14,148
Everybody said so, didn't they?

1327
01:18:14,315 --> 01:18:15,858
Not like you and George.

1328
01:18:16,025 --> 01:18:17,818
No, that's right.

1329
01:18:17,985 --> 01:18:20,279
George and I were never happy.

1330
01:18:20,446 --> 01:18:24,116
Not for one single, solitary day.

1331
01:18:24,283 --> 01:18:25,910
[ALL SOBBING]

1332
01:18:26,076 --> 01:18:28,954
- This is ridiculous.
- I don't know what brought this on.

1333
01:18:29,121 --> 01:18:31,665
I was feeling so good a few minutes ago.

1334
01:18:31,832 --> 01:18:35,586
I haven't cried since I was 14.

1335
01:18:39,131 --> 01:18:41,884
Is everybody happy?

1336
01:18:42,051 --> 01:18:44,053
[FELIX & WOMEN SOBBING]

1337
01:18:49,099 --> 01:18:51,227
- What the hell happened?
FELIX: Nothing, nothing.

1338
01:18:51,393 --> 01:18:54,438
Nothing? I'm gone three minutes,
and I walk into a funeral parlor.

1339
01:18:54,605 --> 01:18:58,150
- What'd you say to them?
- I didn't say anything. Don't start in on me.

1340
01:18:58,317 --> 01:19:00,236
I can't leave you alone for five seconds.

1341
01:19:00,402 --> 01:19:03,614
If you really wanna cry,
go in the kitchen and look at your meat loaf.

1342
01:19:03,781 --> 01:19:05,824
Well, why didn't you call me?

1343
01:19:07,618 --> 01:19:12,373
Girls, I'm terribly sorry. Really, I am.
I forgot to warn you about Felix.

1344
01:19:12,539 --> 01:19:15,334
He's a walking soap opera. Ha, ha.

1345
01:19:15,501 --> 01:19:19,380
I think he's the dearest thing I've ever met.

1346
01:19:19,546 --> 01:19:22,800
He's so sensitive, so fragile.

1347
01:19:22,967 --> 01:19:29,390
I just want to bundle him up in my arms
and take care of him.

1348
01:19:29,556 --> 01:19:31,558
[CECILY & GWENDOLYN SOBBING]

1349
01:19:36,939 --> 01:19:40,442
I think when he comes out of that kitchen,
you may have to.

1350
01:19:42,236 --> 01:19:44,446
We better get some corned-beef sandwiches.

1351
01:19:44,863 --> 01:19:47,616
No, wait, Felix.

1352
01:19:47,783 --> 01:19:49,910
Maybe we can salvage it.

1353
01:19:50,077 --> 01:19:51,578
FELIX: What?
OSCAR: Yeah, let's see it.

1354
01:19:51,745 --> 01:19:54,581
See it? See what?
Four dollars and eighty cents' worth of ashes?

1355
01:19:54,748 --> 01:19:57,084
I'd throw it down the incinerator,
but it won't burn twice.

1356
01:19:57,251 --> 01:19:58,419
Oh.

1357
01:20:01,422 --> 01:20:03,757
I've got a wonderful idea.

1358
01:20:03,924 --> 01:20:06,760
- Why don't we eat up at our place?
- That's a wonderful idea.

1359
01:20:06,927 --> 01:20:10,180
CECILY: Yes, if you don't mind taking potluck.
- I'm crazy about potluck.

1360
01:20:10,347 --> 01:20:13,309
It's awfully hot up there.
You'll have to take off your jackets.

1361
01:20:13,475 --> 01:20:15,185
We can always open up a refrigerator.

1362
01:20:15,352 --> 01:20:17,730
Give us five minutes
to get into our cooking things.

1363
01:20:17,896 --> 01:20:20,774
Five minutes? Can't you make it four?
I'm starving to death.

1364
01:20:20,941 --> 01:20:23,569
- Oh. Don't forget the wine.
- How could I forget the wine?

1365
01:20:23,736 --> 01:20:25,070
- And a corkscrew.
- Corkscrew.

1366
01:20:25,237 --> 01:20:26,697
- And Felix.
- No, I won't forget Felix.

1367
01:20:26,864 --> 01:20:27,906
CECILY & GWENDOLYN:
Ta-ta.

1368
01:20:28,073 --> 01:20:31,368
ALL:
Ta-ta.

1369
01:20:32,244 --> 01:20:36,915
Ah, you bet your sweet little crumpets, ta-ta.

1370
01:20:37,082 --> 01:20:40,461
Felix, baby, I love you. Mwah.

1371
01:20:40,627 --> 01:20:43,130
You just overcooked us
into one hell of a night.

1372
01:20:43,297 --> 01:20:47,009
- Come on, get the ice bucket. I got the wine.
- I'm not going.

1373
01:20:47,676 --> 01:20:50,429
- Huh?
- I said, I'm not going.

1374
01:20:50,596 --> 01:20:52,431
Are you out of your mind?

1375
01:20:52,598 --> 01:20:55,059
You know what's waiting for us up there?

1376
01:20:55,642 --> 01:20:57,811
You've just been invited
to spend the evening...

1377
01:20:57,978 --> 01:21:00,814
...in a two-bedroom hothouse
with the Coo-Coo Pigeon sisters.

1378
01:21:00,981 --> 01:21:02,566
What do you mean you're not going?

1379
01:21:02,733 --> 01:21:06,528
I've nothing left to say to them.
I already told them about my brother in Buffalo.

1380
01:21:06,695 --> 01:21:10,866
- I've used up all my conversation.
- Felix, Felix, they are crazy about you.

1381
01:21:11,033 --> 01:21:13,535
They're nuts about you.
I'm telling you, they told me.

1382
01:21:13,702 --> 01:21:16,538
One of them wants to wrap you up
and make a bundle out of you.

1383
01:21:16,705 --> 01:21:19,166
You're doing better than I am.
Get the ice bucket.

1384
01:21:19,333 --> 01:21:22,002
Don't you understand?
I cried in front of two women.

1385
01:21:22,169 --> 01:21:25,214
And they loved it.
I'm thinking of getting hysterical.

1386
01:21:25,381 --> 01:21:27,883
- Come on, will you get the ice bucket?
- Don't you see?

1387
01:21:28,050 --> 01:21:30,386
I'm still emotionally tied to Frances
and the kids.

1388
01:21:30,552 --> 01:21:34,765
I don't wanna talk to you about it anymore.
I'm gonna scrub the pots and wash my hair.

1389
01:21:36,392 --> 01:21:39,645
Your pots and your hair can wait.
You're coming upstairs with me.

1390
01:21:39,812 --> 01:21:41,814
I'm not going.

1391
01:21:41,980 --> 01:21:44,400
What am I gonna do up there with two girls?

1392
01:21:44,566 --> 01:21:49,905
Felix. Felix, if I miss this opportunity,
I'll never forgive you.

1393
01:21:52,783 --> 01:21:55,828
You're not gonna make any effort to change?

1394
01:21:55,994 --> 01:21:59,123
This is the person you're gonna be
until the day you die?

1395
01:22:01,208 --> 01:22:04,211
We are what we are.

1396
01:22:25,482 --> 01:22:29,445
It's 12 floors, not 11!

1397
01:23:48,106 --> 01:23:50,108
[VACUUM WHIRRING]

1398
01:24:05,415 --> 01:24:07,417
[WHISTLING]

1399
01:25:37,174 --> 01:25:38,550
[CORD CRACKS & FELIX YELLS]

1400
01:25:38,717 --> 01:25:40,719
[POTS CRASHING]

1401
01:25:47,184 --> 01:25:49,186
[WHISTLING]

1402
01:25:54,483 --> 01:25:55,901
<i>MAN</i> [ON <i>TV]: <i>
Hello, sports fans.</i>

1403
01:25:56,068 --> 01:25:58,737
<i>Well, speculation is running high
among Yankee followers...</i>

1404
01:25:58,904 --> 01:26:02,741
...as <i>to the possibility of trading away
the great right-hander, Hank Moonjean...</i>

1405
01:26:02,908 --> 01:26:07,579
<i>...for three unknown young players
and an undetermined amount of cash.</i>

1406
01:26:07,746 --> 01:26:11,750
<i>Moonjean has racked up 10 wins
against only three losses so far this year...</i>

1407
01:26:11,917 --> 01:26:15,295
<i>...which is, incidentally,
high for both leagues.</i>

1408
01:26:15,462 --> 01:26:20,092
<i>It looks to this reporter that the Yankee office
will be bombarded by many protests--</i>

1409
01:26:27,474 --> 01:26:28,725
[GROANS]

1410
01:26:28,892 --> 01:26:30,143
[CLEARS THROAT]

1411
01:27:07,431 --> 01:27:09,725
- How long is this gonna go on?
- You talking to me?

1412
01:27:09,891 --> 01:27:12,185
- Yeah I'm talking to you.
- What do you wanna know?

1413
01:27:12,352 --> 01:27:15,230
If you're gonna spend the rest of your life
not talking to me.

1414
01:27:15,397 --> 01:27:16,898
And if you are, I'm gonna get a radio.

1415
01:27:17,065 --> 01:27:18,650
[CHUCKLES]

1416
01:27:18,817 --> 01:27:21,236
You had your chance to talk last night.

1417
01:27:21,403 --> 01:27:23,363
I begged you to come upstairs with me.

1418
01:27:23,530 --> 01:27:26,199
Here. Here's a key to the back door.

1419
01:27:26,366 --> 01:27:29,494
Now, you stick to the hallway and your room
and you won't get hurt.

1420
01:27:29,661 --> 01:27:32,164
- Meaning what?
- Meaning that if you wanna live here...

1421
01:27:32,330 --> 01:27:36,543
...I don't wanna see you, I don't wanna
hear you, I don't wanna smell your cooking.

1422
01:27:36,710 --> 01:27:40,714
Now, kindly remove that spaghetti
from my poker table.

1423
01:27:40,881 --> 01:27:42,883
[FELIX CHUCKLING]

1424
01:27:44,426 --> 01:27:47,387
- What the hell is so funny?
-It's not spaghetti. It's linguine.

1425
01:27:47,554 --> 01:27:49,556
[FELIX CHUCKLING]

1426
01:28:00,400 --> 01:28:01,985
Now it's garbage.

1427
01:28:13,663 --> 01:28:15,332
You're crazy.

1428
01:28:15,624 --> 01:28:17,334
I'm a neurotic nut, but you're crazy.

1429
01:28:17,751 --> 01:28:21,087
I'm crazy, huh? That's really funny
coming from a fruitcake like you.

1430
01:28:21,713 --> 01:28:24,758
- Uh-huh. I'm not cleaning that up.
- Is that a promise?

1431
01:28:24,925 --> 01:28:27,636
Did you hear what I said?
I'm not cleaning that up.

1432
01:28:27,803 --> 01:28:29,471
That's your mess.

1433
01:28:29,805 --> 01:28:32,682
Look at it. Look at it.
It's hanging all over the wall.

1434
01:28:35,602 --> 01:28:37,354
I like it.

1435
01:28:38,480 --> 01:28:40,816
You'd just let it hang there, wouldn't you?

1436
01:28:40,982 --> 01:28:45,529
Just let it hang until it got all hard
and brown and...

1437
01:28:45,695 --> 01:28:48,156
Yuck. It's disgusting.

1438
01:28:48,323 --> 01:28:51,326
- Well, I'm cleaning it.
- Leave that alone. You leave that alone.

1439
01:28:51,493 --> 01:28:55,580
You touch one strand of that linguine
and I'm gonna punch you right in your sinuses.

1440
01:28:55,747 --> 01:28:59,167
You better pull yourself--
Hey, Oscar, come on, now.

1441
01:28:59,876 --> 01:29:03,630
- Listen, why don't you just take a tranquilizer?
- Go to your room.

1442
01:29:03,797 --> 01:29:07,008
- I said, go to your room.
- Let's just all settle down, huh?

1443
01:29:11,221 --> 01:29:13,974
I'm warning you, Felix.
You wanna live through this night...

1444
01:29:14,140 --> 01:29:18,395
...you'd better keep this door locked.
And lock your windows too!

1445
01:29:49,926 --> 01:29:52,637
All right, Oscar,
I'd like to know what's happened.

1446
01:29:54,556 --> 01:29:57,225
- What's happened?
- Something made you go off the deep end.

1447
01:29:57,392 --> 01:29:59,603
Is it something I said or something I did?

1448
01:30:00,020 --> 01:30:02,981
Nothing you said, noth--
Don't start me, Felix.

1449
01:30:03,148 --> 01:30:06,526
Oscar, what is it?
Is it the cooking or the cleaning? The crying?

1450
01:30:06,693 --> 01:30:10,447
I'll tell you exactly what it is.
It's the cooking, the cleaning, the crying.

1451
01:30:10,614 --> 01:30:12,324
It's the talking in your sleep.

1452
01:30:12,490 --> 01:30:16,077
It's those moose calls that open your ears
at 2:00 in the morning.

1453
01:30:16,244 --> 01:30:18,246
[BELLOWING]

1454
01:30:20,999 --> 01:30:23,335
I can't take it anymore, Felix. I'm cracking up.

1455
01:30:23,501 --> 01:30:25,295
Everything you do irritates me.

1456
01:30:25,837 --> 01:30:30,258
And when you're not here, the things I know
you're gonna do when you come in irritate me.

1457
01:30:30,425 --> 01:30:32,719
You leave me little notes on my pillow.

1458
01:30:32,886 --> 01:30:38,266
I've told you 158 times,
I cannot stand little notes on my pillow.

1459
01:30:38,433 --> 01:30:40,310
"We are all out of cornflakes. F.U."

1460
01:30:40,477 --> 01:30:44,606
Took me three hours to figure out
that F.U. was Felix Ungar.

1461
01:30:54,616 --> 01:30:58,244
It's not your fault, Felix.
It's a rotten combination, that's all.

1462
01:30:58,620 --> 01:31:00,246
Yeah. I get the picture.

1463
01:31:00,872 --> 01:31:03,708
I haven't even painted the picture yet.

1464
01:31:04,000 --> 01:31:06,795
I got a typewritten list in my office...

1465
01:31:06,962 --> 01:31:10,298
...of the 10 most aggravating things you do
that drive me berserk...

1466
01:31:10,465 --> 01:31:12,425
...but last night was the topper.

1467
01:31:12,592 --> 01:31:18,640
Oh, brother, that was the topper,
that was the ever-loving lulu of all times.

1468
01:31:19,057 --> 01:31:21,685
I had it set up with that English Betty Boop
and her sister...

1469
01:31:21,851 --> 01:31:25,230
...and I wind up drinking tea all night
and telling them your life story.

1470
01:31:25,397 --> 01:31:28,149
Don't blame me for that.
I warned you not to make that date.

1471
01:31:28,316 --> 01:31:30,402
Don't point that at me
unless you intend to use it.

1472
01:31:30,568 --> 01:31:32,862
Get off of my back, Oscar. Get off. Off.

1473
01:31:33,196 --> 01:31:34,739
What's this, a display of temper?

1474
01:31:34,906 --> 01:31:38,743
I haven't seen you angry since the day
I dropped my cigar in your pancake batter.

1475
01:31:39,452 --> 01:31:41,746
You're asking to hear something
I don't wanna say.

1476
01:31:41,913 --> 01:31:43,873
But if I do say it, I think you ought to hear.

1477
01:31:44,040 --> 01:31:47,877
You got anything on your chest
besides your chin, you better get it off.

1478
01:31:48,044 --> 01:31:50,255
All right! Then you asked for it!

1479
01:31:50,672 --> 01:31:53,842
You're a wonderful guy, Oscar.
You've done everything for me.

1480
01:31:54,009 --> 01:31:56,720
If it weren't for you,
I don't know what would've happened.

1481
01:31:56,886 --> 01:32:00,849
You took me in, you gave me a place to live,
you gave me something to live for.

1482
01:32:01,016 --> 01:32:04,102
I'm never gonna forget you for that, Oscar.

1483
01:32:04,269 --> 01:32:06,896
You're tops with me.

1484
01:32:11,192 --> 01:32:13,445
If I've just been told off,
I may have missed it.

1485
01:32:13,903 --> 01:32:15,613
It's coming.

1486
01:32:16,322 --> 01:32:18,616
You're also one of the biggest slobs
in the world.

1487
01:32:18,783 --> 01:32:20,618
- I see.
- Totally unreliable...

1488
01:32:20,785 --> 01:32:22,954
- Is that it?
-...undependable and irresponsible.

1489
01:32:23,121 --> 01:32:26,624
- Keep going, you're hot.
- No, you've been told off. How do you like that?

1490
01:32:26,791 --> 01:32:28,835
Good. Good.

1491
01:32:29,210 --> 01:32:30,879
Because now...

1492
01:32:32,756 --> 01:32:35,008
...I'm gonna tell you off.

1493
01:32:35,175 --> 01:32:37,510
For six months,
I've lived alone in this apartment.

1494
01:32:37,677 --> 01:32:39,387
All alone in eight big rooms.

1495
01:32:39,554 --> 01:32:42,474
I was dejected, despondent and disgusted...

1496
01:32:42,640 --> 01:32:46,770
...and then you moved in,
my closest and dearest friend.

1497
01:32:46,936 --> 01:32:50,190
[IN STRAINED VOICE] And after three weeks
of close personal contact...

1498
01:32:50,356 --> 01:32:53,026
...I'm about to have a nervous breakdown.

1499
01:32:53,193 --> 01:32:56,237
Do me a favor, will you, Felix?
Move into the kitchen.

1500
01:32:56,404 --> 01:32:59,616
Live with your pots, your pans,
your ladles, your meat thermometers.

1501
01:32:59,783 --> 01:33:04,704
When you wanna come out, just ring a bell
and I'll run into the bedroom.

1502
01:33:05,288 --> 01:33:08,374
I'm asking you nicely, Felix, as a friend.

1503
01:33:08,541 --> 01:33:10,877
Stay out of my way.

1504
01:33:14,756 --> 01:33:17,092
Walk on the paper.
I washed the floor in there.

1505
01:33:26,226 --> 01:33:28,478
Hey, stay away from me, Oscar.

1506
01:33:29,437 --> 01:33:32,524
Hey, Oscar. Oscar, stay away from me.
Oscar! Oscar, cut it out!

1507
01:33:32,690 --> 01:33:34,734
[IN NORMAL VOICE]
This is the day I'm gonna kill you.

1508
01:33:34,901 --> 01:33:35,944
- Oscar!
- I'm gonna kill you.

1509
01:33:36,111 --> 01:33:37,821
No! Oscar!

1510
01:33:45,411 --> 01:33:47,413
- Oscar.
- I'm gonna kill you.

1511
01:33:47,580 --> 01:33:50,166
You hit me, you've got yourself
one sweet lawsuit, boy.

1512
01:33:50,333 --> 01:33:51,376
[DOGS GROWL]

1513
01:33:51,543 --> 01:33:53,628
Those dogs should be on a leash.

1514
01:33:58,424 --> 01:34:02,720
- Oscar, can I speak to you calmly?
- First you'll bleed, then we'll talk.

1515
01:34:04,639 --> 01:34:07,142
I got you now.
There's no place for you to go but down.

1516
01:34:07,308 --> 01:34:10,728
Are you out of your mind?
If you wanna fight, let's go to the living room.

1517
01:34:10,895 --> 01:34:14,691
I don't want you in my living room.
I don't want you in my bedroom, my bathroom...

1518
01:34:14,858 --> 01:34:18,403
...my kitchen, my elevator, my hall
or my building. I don't want you at all.

1519
01:34:18,570 --> 01:34:20,280
- What?
-It's over. The whole marriage.

1520
01:34:20,446 --> 01:34:21,698
We're getting an annulment.

1521
01:34:21,865 --> 01:34:24,534
Don't you understand?
I don't wanna live with you anymore!

1522
01:34:24,701 --> 01:34:28,955
I want you to pack up your things,
tie it up in Saran wrap and get out of here!

1523
01:34:29,122 --> 01:34:32,083
- You mean actually move out?
- Actually, physically, immediately.

1524
01:34:32,250 --> 01:34:34,544
- You mean move out this minute?
- Yes, this minute.

1525
01:34:34,711 --> 01:34:37,213
If you can do it sooner, I'd appreciate it.

1526
01:34:42,552 --> 01:34:44,721
You know,
I've got a good mind to really leave.

1527
01:34:47,140 --> 01:34:48,933
Why doesn't he hear me?

1528
01:34:49,100 --> 01:34:51,769
I know I'm talking. I recognize my voice.

1529
01:34:51,936 --> 01:34:54,981
- Because if you really want me to go, I'll go.
- Then go!

1530
01:34:55,148 --> 01:34:58,651
I want you to go, so go!
When are you going?

1531
01:34:58,818 --> 01:35:00,403
[SCOFFS]

1532
01:35:00,570 --> 01:35:02,780
You're in a bigger hurry than Frances was.

1533
01:35:02,947 --> 01:35:06,993
Take as much time as she gave you.
I want you to follow your usual routine.

1534
01:35:07,160 --> 01:35:12,332
- In other words, you're throwing me out.
- Not in other words, those are the perfect ones!

1535
01:35:12,957 --> 01:35:15,335
All right.
I just wanted to get the record straight.

1536
01:35:15,501 --> 01:35:18,922
- Let it be on your conscience.
- Let what be on my conscience?

1537
01:35:19,631 --> 01:35:24,052
I'm perfectly willing to stay here and clear
the air of our differences, but you refuse, right?

1538
01:35:24,219 --> 01:35:26,137
Right. I'm tired of you clearing the air.

1539
01:35:26,304 --> 01:35:28,139
- That's why I want you to leave.
- Good.

1540
01:35:28,306 --> 01:35:31,434
But remember,
what happens to me is your responsibility.

1541
01:35:31,601 --> 01:35:35,063
- Let it be on your head.
- Let what be on my head?

1542
01:35:35,230 --> 01:35:38,441
Wait a minute. Why can't you get thrown out
like a decent human being?

1543
01:35:38,608 --> 01:35:41,945
Let what be on my head? Huh?

1544
01:35:53,539 --> 01:35:57,627
I'm leaving now,
according to your wishes and desires.

1545
01:35:57,794 --> 01:36:01,589
Either I'll come back and get
the rest of my clothes or someone else will.

1546
01:36:05,301 --> 01:36:09,555
You are not going anyplace
until you take it back.

1547
01:36:09,722 --> 01:36:12,642
- Take what back?
-"Let it be on your head."

1548
01:36:12,892 --> 01:36:15,228
What the hell is that,
the Curse of the Cat People?

1549
01:36:16,145 --> 01:36:20,316
- I can't leave if you're blocking the door.
- Is this how you left that night with Frances?

1550
01:36:20,483 --> 01:36:24,195
No wonder she wanted your room repainted.
I'm gonna have yours dipped in bronze.

1551
01:36:25,530 --> 01:36:27,991
Would you get out of the way, please?

1552
01:36:53,224 --> 01:36:55,059
Uh, where will you go?

1553
01:36:57,186 --> 01:36:59,063
Oh, come on, Oscar.

1554
01:36:59,230 --> 01:37:01,858
You're not really interested, are you?

1555
01:37:04,902 --> 01:37:07,947
All right, Felix, you win.
We'll try to iron it out.

1556
01:37:08,114 --> 01:37:09,574
Come back, Felix.

1557
01:37:09,741 --> 01:37:11,451
Felix.

1558
01:37:11,909 --> 01:37:13,870
Felix, come back!

1559
01:37:14,037 --> 01:37:15,830
Don't leave me like this!

1560
01:37:16,831 --> 01:37:18,416
I'm telling you, I'm worried.

1561
01:37:18,583 --> 01:37:20,835
I know Felix.
He's gonna try something crazy.

1562
01:37:21,002 --> 01:37:23,713
- You just threw him out?
- That's right, I threw him out.

1563
01:37:23,880 --> 01:37:26,382
It was my decision. I admit it.
Let it be on my head.

1564
01:37:26,549 --> 01:37:29,594
VINNIE: Let what be on your head?
- How should I know? Felix put it there.

1565
01:37:29,761 --> 01:37:30,928
He's out there somewhere.

1566
01:37:31,095 --> 01:37:33,681
He was driving us crazy with his napkins
and ashtrays...

1567
01:37:33,848 --> 01:37:36,809
...and bacon, lettuce and tomato sandwiches.
All of you said so.

1568
01:37:36,976 --> 01:37:40,563
- We didn't say kick him out.
- Who do you think I did it for'? I did it for us.

1569
01:37:40,730 --> 01:37:41,773
- Us?
- Yes, that's right.

1570
01:37:41,939 --> 01:37:45,902
You know what he was planning for next Friday
night's poker game as a change of pace?

1571
01:37:46,069 --> 01:37:47,445
- Do you have any idea?
VINNIE: What?

1572
01:37:47,612 --> 01:37:51,991
A luau. An Hawaiian luau.
Roast pork, fried rice, spare ribs.

1573
01:37:52,158 --> 01:37:55,411
- They don't play poker like that in Honolulu.
SPEED: He's out there alone.

1574
01:37:55,578 --> 01:37:56,621
Now I'm really worried.

1575
01:37:56,788 --> 01:37:59,290
Why don't we stop worrying and start looking?
Come on.

1576
01:37:59,457 --> 01:38:01,334
How we gonna find him? It's a big city.

1577
01:38:01,501 --> 01:38:05,421
"It's a big city." We'll look for a guy
with a suitcase who's crying.

1578
01:38:05,588 --> 01:38:06,839
Come on.

1579
01:38:19,685 --> 01:38:21,646
They're not gonna like this at the station.

1580
01:38:21,813 --> 01:38:24,482
You're not supposed to look
for a missing person with a missing car.

1581
01:38:24,649 --> 01:38:26,692
So take it out of my taxes.

1582
01:38:26,859 --> 01:38:29,320
We'll try his apartment first.

1583
01:38:36,536 --> 01:38:40,581
Well, Frances hasn't heard from him
since he called to get her recipe for meat loaf.

1584
01:38:40,748 --> 01:38:42,083
MURRAY:
Where to now?

1585
01:38:42,250 --> 01:38:43,876
Cruise along Riverside Drive.

1586
01:38:44,043 --> 01:38:45,878
This is crazy, Oscar.

1587
01:38:46,045 --> 01:38:49,382
- Why don't we call the cops?
- Drive the car.

1588
01:38:58,474 --> 01:38:59,976
Hey, what are you doing, Murray?

1589
01:39:01,227 --> 01:39:04,522
Off-duty arrest. Caught them gambling.

1590
01:39:12,405 --> 01:39:14,198
We already combed the whole west side.

1591
01:39:14,365 --> 01:39:16,868
Why don't we go back
and wait to hear something?

1592
01:39:17,034 --> 01:39:18,870
Because I'm afraid we'll hear something.

1593
01:39:19,036 --> 01:39:21,539
- The poor guy.
- Will you stop saying "the poor guy"?

1594
01:39:21,706 --> 01:39:24,167
What about me?
I got this lousy curse on my head.

1595
01:39:24,333 --> 01:39:26,127
Aw, let's go back, Oscar. He'll show up.

1596
01:39:26,502 --> 01:39:28,754
I know him, he'll kill himself just to spite me.

1597
01:39:28,921 --> 01:39:31,966
Then his ghost will come back,
following me around the apartment...

1598
01:39:32,133 --> 01:39:35,386
...haunting and cleaning,
haunting and cleaning, haunting and cleaning.

1599
01:39:37,305 --> 01:39:40,391
Come on, Oscar, play a few hands.
It'll take your mind off Felix.

1600
01:39:40,558 --> 01:39:43,019
Then stop mentioning his name.

1601
01:39:44,145 --> 01:39:46,814
I know what you're all thinking,
but you're wrong.

1602
01:39:47,273 --> 01:39:49,108
It's his fault, not mine.

1603
01:39:49,275 --> 01:39:52,612
He never shouldn't have moved in here.
He should've stayed with Blanche.

1604
01:39:52,778 --> 01:39:54,655
- Why should he?
- Because it's his wife.

1605
01:39:54,822 --> 01:39:58,201
No, Blanche is your wife. His wife is Frances.

1606
01:39:58,576 --> 01:40:02,038
What are you, some kind of a wise guy?
The game is over. Give me my cards.

1607
01:40:02,205 --> 01:40:04,707
- I don't wanna play anymore.
- We didn't even start.

1608
01:40:04,874 --> 01:40:08,377
I'm not gonna worry about him. Why should I?
He's not worrying about me.

1609
01:40:08,544 --> 01:40:12,423
He's out in the streets somewhere crying
and sulking and having a wonderful time.

1610
01:40:12,590 --> 01:40:15,510
- I think I smell spaghetti.
-It's not spaghetti, it's linguine.

1611
01:40:15,676 --> 01:40:17,220
Don't you care what happens to Felix?

1612
01:40:17,386 --> 01:40:20,223
- Thought you weren't worried.
- I'm not worried, damn it. I'm not worried.

1613
01:40:20,389 --> 01:40:21,557
[DOORBELL BUZZES]

1614
01:40:21,724 --> 01:40:24,435
- That's him. I'll bet that's him.
- I told you he'd be back.

1615
01:40:24,602 --> 01:40:27,855
Open the door. Everybody play cards
like nothing happened, okay?

1616
01:40:28,022 --> 01:40:30,483
- Just deal them out.
- All right.

1617
01:40:30,942 --> 01:40:32,151
Okay, open the door.

1618
01:40:34,695 --> 01:40:38,241
VINNIE: Oh. Hello.
- How do you do?

1619
01:40:39,283 --> 01:40:41,744
- Oh, hello there, Cecily.
- Gwendolyn.

1620
01:40:41,911 --> 01:40:43,579
Please, gentlemen, don't stand up.

1621
01:40:43,746 --> 01:40:48,084
- May I see you for a moment, Mr. Madison?
- Certainly. Certainly, Gwendolyn.

1622
01:40:48,626 --> 01:40:51,003
What's, uh--? What's the matter?

1623
01:40:52,463 --> 01:40:54,048
I think you know.

1624
01:40:54,215 --> 01:40:56,342
I've come for Felix's things.

1625
01:41:04,725 --> 01:41:07,895
- You mean my Felix?
- Oh, yes. Yes. Felix Ungar.

1626
01:41:08,062 --> 01:41:11,023
That sweet, tortured man
who's in my flat at this moment...

1627
01:41:11,190 --> 01:41:13,317
...pouring his heart out to my sister.

1628
01:41:13,484 --> 01:41:14,652
CECILY:
Gwen?

1629
01:41:14,819 --> 01:41:18,948
Gwen. Felix doesn't want to stay.
Please tell him to stay.

1630
01:41:19,115 --> 01:41:22,660
Please, girls, this is embarrassing.
I can go to a hotel. How are you, Vinnie?

1631
01:41:22,827 --> 01:41:24,996
GWENDOLYN:
Nonsense. There's plenty of room on the sofa.

1632
01:41:25,162 --> 01:41:26,998
I'll be in the way. Won't I be in the way?

1633
01:41:27,164 --> 01:41:30,626
- How could you possibly be in anyone's way?
- Wanna see a typewritten list?

1634
01:41:30,793 --> 01:41:32,295
Haven't you said enough already?

1635
01:41:32,461 --> 01:41:35,298
- Please. Please. Just for a few days?
- Until you get settled.

1636
01:41:35,464 --> 01:41:38,926
- Please say yes.
- Oh, please. We'd be so happy.

1637
01:41:40,344 --> 01:41:43,014
- Well, maybe just for a few days.
- Oh, that's marvelous.

1638
01:41:43,180 --> 01:41:45,016
Good. Then get the rest of your things.

1639
01:41:45,182 --> 01:41:47,184
- We'll go clean the house.
- And cook dinner.

1640
01:41:47,351 --> 01:41:50,646
GWENDOLYN: It'll be so nice to have a man
about the house again. Come on, Cecy.

1641
01:41:50,813 --> 01:41:53,649
Good night, gentlemen.
So sorry to interrupt your bridge game.

1642
01:41:53,816 --> 01:41:55,234
- Ta-ta.
- Ta-ta.

1643
01:41:55,401 --> 01:41:56,944
WOMEN & FELIX:
Ta-ta.

1644
01:41:57,111 --> 01:41:58,946
[CECILY & GWENDOLYN CHUCKLE]

1645
01:42:02,742 --> 01:42:04,827
[CHUCKLES]

1646
01:42:04,994 --> 01:42:06,537
Ah.

1647
01:42:08,831 --> 01:42:10,833
[FELIX HUMMING]

1648
01:42:16,756 --> 01:42:21,552
- What'd I tell you? It's always the quiet guys.
- Gee, what nice girls.

1649
01:42:24,764 --> 01:42:26,766
[HUMMING]

1650
01:42:29,101 --> 01:42:30,144
- Hey, Felix.
- Huh?

1651
01:42:30,311 --> 01:42:32,104
Felix, are you really
gonna move in with them?

1652
01:42:32,271 --> 01:42:34,774
Just for a couple of days,
you know, until I can get my own pad.

1653
01:42:34,940 --> 01:42:36,275
[BOTH CHUCKLE]

1654
01:42:36,442 --> 01:42:38,152
- Aren't you gonna thank me?
- For what?

1655
01:42:38,319 --> 01:42:41,572
The two greatest things I've ever done for you.
Taking you in and throwing you out.

1656
01:42:41,739 --> 01:42:42,782
[FELIX CHUCKLES]

1657
01:42:42,948 --> 01:42:46,160
Oscar, you're right. Getting thrown out twice
is enough for any man.

1658
01:42:46,327 --> 01:42:48,537
In gratitude, I remove the curse.

1659
01:42:48,704 --> 01:42:50,706
Bless you and thank you,
Wicked Witch of the North.

1660
01:42:50,873 --> 01:42:51,916
[PHONE RINGING]

1661
01:42:52,083 --> 01:42:53,250
Yup. It's probably the girls.

1662
01:42:53,417 --> 01:42:56,087
MURRAY: Hello.
- They hate it when I'm late for cocktails.

1663
01:42:56,253 --> 01:42:57,296
It's your wife.

1664
01:42:57,505 --> 01:43:00,174
Oh. Um...

1665
01:43:00,341 --> 01:43:03,719
Do me a favor, Murray.
Tell her I can't talk to her right now.

1666
01:43:03,886 --> 01:43:06,889
Tell her I'll call in a couple days.
We have a lot to talk about.

1667
01:43:07,056 --> 01:43:08,891
Tell her if I sound different to her...

1668
01:43:09,058 --> 01:43:11,811
...it's because I'm not the same man
she threw out three weeks ago.

1669
01:43:11,977 --> 01:43:16,399
- Heh. Tell her that. Go ahead and tell her.
- I will when I see her. This is Oscar's wife.

1670
01:43:17,024 --> 01:43:18,234
Oh.

1671
01:43:22,196 --> 01:43:23,531
Hello, Blanche.

1672
01:43:23,698 --> 01:43:26,867
Yeah, I got a good idea why you're calling.
You got my checks, right?

1673
01:43:27,034 --> 01:43:29,745
So now we're all even up? Right.

1674
01:43:29,912 --> 01:43:33,708
No, I haven't been winning at the track.
I've just been eating home a lot lately.

1675
01:43:33,874 --> 01:43:34,917
[CHUCKLES]

1676
01:43:35,084 --> 01:43:37,837
You don't have to thank me, Blanche.
I'm just doing what's right.

1677
01:43:38,003 --> 01:43:40,131
That's very nice of you too.

1678
01:43:40,297 --> 01:43:43,843
Good night, Mr. Madison. You need
any heavy cleaning, I get $1.50 an hour.

1679
01:43:44,468 --> 01:43:45,553
Wait.

1680
01:43:45,720 --> 01:43:47,847
Yeah. Yeah. Okay.

1681
01:43:48,013 --> 01:43:51,058
Right. Talk to you tomorrow night.
Kiss the kids for me, will you?

1682
01:43:51,225 --> 01:43:52,810
Right. Good night, Blanche.

1683
01:43:52,977 --> 01:43:56,313
Felix, what about next Friday?
You're not gonna break up the poker game.

1684
01:43:56,480 --> 01:43:59,692
Me? Never. Marriage may come and go,
but the game must go on.

1685
01:43:59,859 --> 01:44:01,652
So long, Frances.

1686
01:44:03,571 --> 01:44:05,322
So long, Blanche.

1687
01:44:08,784 --> 01:44:11,829
Well, are we just gonna sit around,
or are we gonna play poker?

1688
01:44:11,996 --> 01:44:14,415
MURRAY <i>&</i> SPEED: Let's play some poker.
VINNIE: Deal the cards.

1689
01:44:14,582 --> 01:44:16,834
Hey, boys, boys, boys.

1690
01:44:17,001 --> 01:44:21,964
Let's watch the cigarette butts, shall we?
This is my house, not a pigsty.

1691
01:44:22,757 --> 01:44:23,799
[VINNIE CHUCKLES]

1692
01:44:23,966 --> 01:44:26,302
Ante a quarter, fellas.

1693
01:44:32,266 --> 01:44:34,268
[INAUDIBLE DIALOGUE]

1694
01:45:22,274 --> 01:45:24,276