1 00:00:28,480 --> 00:00:29,913 What do you want to know? 2 00:00:30,040 --> 00:00:31,314 Um... 3 00:00:33,800 --> 00:00:36,758 See that? A clock, calculator in one. 4 00:00:37,960 --> 00:00:39,871 That's free. Thank you. 5 00:00:43,080 --> 00:00:44,672 Oh, here we go. 6 00:00:44,880 --> 00:00:47,348 (ANSWER MACHINE BEEPS) Three. 7 00:00:47,480 --> 00:00:49,835 David. Paul Shepherd. Can you give us a call? 8 00:00:49,960 --> 00:00:51,234 No! 9 00:00:52,000 --> 00:00:54,560 Dave, it's Julian. Can you give us a ring, please? 10 00:00:54,680 --> 00:00:55,954 Go away! 11 00:00:56,080 --> 00:00:57,957 Good bloke. Good laugh. 12 00:00:58,080 --> 00:00:59,433 David, it's Paul again... 13 00:00:59,640 --> 00:01:01,392 Leave me alone! 14 00:01:06,600 --> 00:01:08,352 It's fine. It is fine... 15 00:01:08,480 --> 00:01:10,436 That's OK. It doesn't matter. 16 00:01:10,560 --> 00:01:12,391 Take that there... 17 00:01:12,520 --> 00:01:13,953 That's the old office. 18 00:01:14,080 --> 00:01:15,638 Let's get you started. 19 00:01:19,120 --> 00:01:21,953 No one is going to lose their jobs. 20 00:01:22,080 --> 00:01:25,390 Yes, Head Office are talking of downsizing, 21 00:01:25,520 --> 00:01:27,192 but they've said clearly 22 00:01:27,320 --> 00:01:30,949 that the most efficient branch will incorporate the other one. 23 00:01:31,080 --> 00:01:32,877 We are the most efficient branch - 24 00:01:33,000 --> 00:01:35,560 cogito ergo sum - we'll be fine. 25 00:01:35,680 --> 00:01:38,319 Why should they be worried, yeah? 26 00:01:38,440 --> 00:01:40,032 They trust me implicitly. 27 00:01:40,240 --> 00:01:43,357 I said there won't be redundancies, so that becomes gospel. 28 00:01:43,480 --> 00:01:45,835 Unconditional trust. It's nice. 29 00:01:45,960 --> 00:01:48,269 Mutual. Likewise. Reciprocated. 30 00:01:48,400 --> 00:01:51,870 My only worry is that the powers that be don't come down here, 31 00:01:52,000 --> 00:01:54,958 pop their head round the door with their rule book, 32 00:01:55,080 --> 00:01:58,152 and go, "Oh, hold on, what's going on here? 33 00:01:58,280 --> 00:02:00,111 "These people are mucking around." 34 00:02:00,240 --> 00:02:03,232 Whilst getting the job done, they're having a laugh at work 35 00:02:03,360 --> 00:02:05,794 with the Sword of Damocles hanging over them. 36 00:02:05,920 --> 00:02:08,229 "This isn't in the rule book. Who's in charge?" 37 00:02:08,360 --> 00:02:10,396 Guilty! Get a new rule book! 38 00:02:10,520 --> 00:02:11,794 All right? 39 00:02:12,120 --> 00:02:13,792 It works with the turtle. 40 00:02:13,920 --> 00:02:15,239 (LAUGHTER) 41 00:02:15,360 --> 00:02:16,679 OK. Good. 42 00:02:16,800 --> 00:02:19,189 Finally, this young lady is Donna... 43 00:02:21,240 --> 00:02:24,471 daughter of my best friends, Ron and Elaine. 44 00:02:24,600 --> 00:02:27,478 She's lodging with me, so she's my responsibility, 45 00:02:27,600 --> 00:02:30,910 and her dad's not only a copper, but he's a bloody big bugger, 46 00:02:31,040 --> 00:02:32,393 so hands off. 47 00:02:32,520 --> 00:02:35,080 I've got something she could take down in evidence! 48 00:02:35,200 --> 00:02:36,474 Don't worry about this. 49 00:02:36,600 --> 00:02:39,114 Do you want to receive some swollen goods? 50 00:02:39,720 --> 00:02:41,676 Wouldn't mind escaping up her tunnel! 51 00:02:41,800 --> 00:02:43,153 Get out. 52 00:02:45,320 --> 00:02:46,912 Get out. I mean it. 53 00:02:56,000 --> 00:02:57,274 Shame. 54 00:03:05,640 --> 00:03:07,835 I will not have her tunnel 55 00:03:07,960 --> 00:03:11,350 bandied around this office willy nilly. 56 00:03:20,800 --> 00:03:22,313 OK. Help her to settle in. 57 00:03:22,440 --> 00:03:24,795 If you do have any trouble from the men... 58 00:03:24,920 --> 00:03:27,798 - What does she do, Dawn? - Kick them in the balls. 59 00:03:27,920 --> 00:03:30,115 - Oh! Feminist. - Get your bra off. 60 00:03:30,240 --> 00:03:33,198 - Do you want to go out? - Sorry. Burn your bra. Feminists. 61 00:03:33,320 --> 00:03:34,594 Good point. 62 00:03:34,720 --> 00:03:37,280 Obviously keep a T-shirt on, like Charlie Dimmock. 63 00:03:37,400 --> 00:03:38,958 OK. That's it. 64 00:04:02,480 --> 00:04:04,198 (TAPPING) 65 00:04:10,960 --> 00:04:13,599 What are you doing? That's ridiculous. 66 00:04:16,920 --> 00:04:18,353 Hello. Wernham Hogg. 67 00:04:20,120 --> 00:04:21,633 Hang on. I'll put you through. 68 00:04:21,840 --> 00:04:24,991 That is... You won't need to use that. 69 00:04:26,120 --> 00:04:28,429 You've met this lot. This is Gareth, 70 00:04:28,560 --> 00:04:30,437 who you saw in the meeting. 71 00:04:30,960 --> 00:04:32,552 Formal introductions. 72 00:04:33,240 --> 00:04:35,196 Hi. Gareth. Welcome. 73 00:04:35,320 --> 00:04:37,072 Just a handshake's fine. 74 00:04:37,200 --> 00:04:39,395 - And Ricky. - Hi. Nice to meet you. 75 00:04:40,360 --> 00:04:41,634 Even longer. 76 00:04:41,760 --> 00:04:43,159 And Tim. 77 00:04:43,280 --> 00:04:44,554 - Hello. - Good. 78 00:04:44,680 --> 00:04:49,310 OK. Settle her in. Get her started. Show her the phones and everything. 79 00:04:49,440 --> 00:04:51,670 First, methinks the lady dost need a chair! 80 00:04:51,800 --> 00:04:53,074 To sit down. 81 00:04:54,160 --> 00:04:55,957 Maybe she should sit down here. 82 00:04:56,080 --> 00:04:58,389 Then I could teach her the ropes. 83 00:04:58,520 --> 00:05:01,034 That's my responsibility as team leader. 84 00:05:01,600 --> 00:05:03,670 David? I'm just saying... 85 00:05:04,520 --> 00:05:06,954 When people say... 86 00:05:07,080 --> 00:05:11,073 "Would you rather be thought of as a funny man or a great boss?" 87 00:05:11,200 --> 00:05:14,556 my answer's the same - to me, they're not mutually exclusive. 88 00:05:14,680 --> 00:05:18,468 There's a weight of intellect behind my comedy. Yeah? 89 00:05:18,600 --> 00:05:21,034 If you were to ask me to name three geniuses, 90 00:05:21,160 --> 00:05:24,914 I probably wouldn't say Einstein, Newton... 91 00:05:25,760 --> 00:05:29,070 You know. I'd go Milligan, Cleese, Everett. 92 00:05:29,960 --> 00:05:31,279 Sessions. 93 00:05:35,800 --> 00:05:37,074 (TIM LAUGHS) 94 00:05:37,200 --> 00:05:39,236 Have you got a licence to carry that? 95 00:05:40,120 --> 00:05:42,076 Portable phone. Right? 96 00:05:42,200 --> 00:05:44,760 Can you swap places with Donna, please? 97 00:05:45,160 --> 00:05:47,037 No... I'm not moving. 98 00:05:47,720 --> 00:05:49,278 Do as you're told. 99 00:05:49,400 --> 00:05:51,311 What are you going to do, phone me? 100 00:05:52,720 --> 00:05:55,075 - I am team leader. - I don't give a monkey's. 101 00:05:55,200 --> 00:05:56,474 You're so immature. 102 00:05:56,600 --> 00:06:01,310 Oh, Gareth, if there's one thing that I'm not, it is immature. 103 00:06:01,440 --> 00:06:03,271 An immature little tosser. 104 00:06:04,760 --> 00:06:07,115 (MOBILE RINGS) 105 00:06:08,280 --> 00:06:10,032 - Gareth Keenan. - Cock. 106 00:06:12,440 --> 00:06:15,238 - So... - David, I was just saying to Tim... 107 00:06:16,640 --> 00:06:18,073 Looks like a... Doesn't it? 108 00:06:18,200 --> 00:06:20,998 - Gun holster. - It's just my portable telephone. 109 00:06:21,120 --> 00:06:24,476 - I was just saying to Tim maybe... - I just thought of something. 110 00:06:27,120 --> 00:06:30,032 I know what you're thinking, did I make five or six calls? 111 00:06:34,920 --> 00:06:37,832 The question is, do you feel lucky, punk? Well, do ya? 112 00:06:38,560 --> 00:06:40,471 - Clint Eastwood. - Spot on. 113 00:06:43,240 --> 00:06:44,832 Let's let them get on with it. 114 00:06:47,720 --> 00:06:50,871 We're all on-line here. Hooked up... 115 00:06:51,920 --> 00:06:53,990 to the Worldwide Web - Internet. 116 00:06:54,120 --> 00:06:55,553 No shopping. All right? 117 00:06:57,120 --> 00:07:00,317 Everyone's got e-mail. Have you used e-mail before? 118 00:07:00,440 --> 00:07:02,237 - Yeah. - Yeah. It's easy, isn't it? 119 00:07:02,360 --> 00:07:05,397 - I'll just show her on here. - Yeah. 120 00:07:05,520 --> 00:07:08,159 Oh, you got a new one. See where it says "New mail"? 121 00:07:08,280 --> 00:07:09,599 Just click on that. 122 00:07:11,160 --> 00:07:12,434 No. 123 00:07:12,560 --> 00:07:15,120 No, it's not... Yeah. It's not funny. 124 00:07:15,240 --> 00:07:18,073 Donna should not have to see me 125 00:07:18,200 --> 00:07:20,794 as a woman with two men doing that all over me. 126 00:07:20,920 --> 00:07:22,399 You got nice boobs. 127 00:07:22,520 --> 00:07:25,034 No. It's just my head. They've put it on there... 128 00:07:26,840 --> 00:07:28,751 Who else has seen this filth? 129 00:07:28,880 --> 00:07:30,836 You know what I'm talking about. 130 00:07:37,560 --> 00:07:39,391 You haven't even got e-mail, Joan. 131 00:07:39,520 --> 00:07:41,397 Someone printed it out for me. 132 00:07:42,880 --> 00:07:44,438 Who printed this out for Joan? 133 00:07:47,640 --> 00:07:50,108 Well... I'm angry. 134 00:07:50,240 --> 00:07:52,515 And not because I'm in it, 135 00:07:52,640 --> 00:07:55,871 but because it degrades women... 136 00:07:56,600 --> 00:07:58,158 which I hate. 137 00:07:59,360 --> 00:08:02,238 And the culprit, whoever it is, is in this room. 138 00:08:02,360 --> 00:08:04,430 Or she. It could be a woman. 139 00:08:04,560 --> 00:08:06,391 Women are as filthy as men. 140 00:08:06,520 --> 00:08:08,715 Naming no names - I don't know any - 141 00:08:08,840 --> 00:08:11,308 but women are dirty. 142 00:08:15,800 --> 00:08:18,837 Good friend of mine and a bloody good rep - Chris Finch. 143 00:08:18,960 --> 00:08:22,509 IQ of 142. One of the cleverest blokes I know. 144 00:08:22,640 --> 00:08:25,074 - The cleverest bloke you know. - Yeah. 145 00:08:25,200 --> 00:08:27,191 He was in an argument once and he went, 146 00:08:27,320 --> 00:08:30,118 "How can I hate women? My mum's one." 147 00:08:33,280 --> 00:08:35,350 Yeah? There's a lot of truth in that. 148 00:08:35,480 --> 00:08:38,392 That's why when I see... rubbish. 149 00:08:38,520 --> 00:08:41,637 I'm not annoyed because I'm in it or I'm a prude. 150 00:08:42,280 --> 00:08:45,716 - It offends women. - And our mums. 151 00:08:45,920 --> 00:08:49,879 In a way. It's sexist, and I hate that. 152 00:08:50,000 --> 00:08:52,036 - So do I. - Yeah, but I've said it. 153 00:08:52,160 --> 00:08:54,720 We've had meetings where we've both said it. 154 00:08:54,840 --> 00:08:56,717 - But I really hate it. - I've always... 155 00:08:57,840 --> 00:08:59,956 The point is this, yeah, 156 00:09:00,080 --> 00:09:03,311 we've got access to the Internet, but it is not censored. 157 00:09:03,440 --> 00:09:04,953 Is that a good or a bad thing? 158 00:09:05,080 --> 00:09:06,991 - Bad. - Well, it's not for us to say. 159 00:09:07,120 --> 00:09:09,190 All I know is I can type in... 160 00:09:09,960 --> 00:09:11,279 "Sex... 161 00:09:11,840 --> 00:09:13,114 "Fetish." 162 00:09:14,720 --> 00:09:16,438 It takes a little while. 163 00:09:16,560 --> 00:09:20,109 2,230 matches. Yeah? 164 00:09:20,920 --> 00:09:22,717 Just click on one at random. 165 00:09:23,800 --> 00:09:25,074 Oh... 166 00:09:25,200 --> 00:09:28,112 "Dutch girls must be punished for having big boobs." 167 00:09:28,240 --> 00:09:31,312 Now, you do not punish someone for having big boobs. 168 00:09:31,440 --> 00:09:33,317 If anything, they should be rewarded. 169 00:09:33,440 --> 00:09:35,510 - They should be equal. - Women are equal. 170 00:09:35,640 --> 00:09:37,153 I've always said that, so... 171 00:09:39,680 --> 00:09:41,591 - Do you want to play with my hair? - Huh? 172 00:09:41,720 --> 00:09:43,836 - Play with my hair. - All right, then. 173 00:09:47,040 --> 00:09:49,918 I've got kind of hot hands. Sorry. 174 00:09:50,040 --> 00:09:52,235 That's all right. Just don't touch my head. 175 00:09:55,040 --> 00:09:57,031 All it is... 176 00:09:58,680 --> 00:09:59,954 Well... 177 00:10:01,520 --> 00:10:02,794 Donna. 178 00:10:02,920 --> 00:10:05,036 Yeah? My responsibility. 179 00:10:05,160 --> 00:10:07,913 Away from home. I know boys will be boys. 180 00:10:09,440 --> 00:10:10,873 Word from the top is... 181 00:10:11,440 --> 00:10:12,953 - Hands off. - Yeah. 182 00:10:13,080 --> 00:10:14,593 - Out of bounds. - Yeah. 183 00:10:14,720 --> 00:10:17,757 - Look, but don't touch. - What do you mean by look? 184 00:10:17,960 --> 00:10:19,837 Talk to her, be friendly... 185 00:10:19,960 --> 00:10:22,155 - Don't get any ideas. - Yeah. Good. 186 00:10:23,560 --> 00:10:24,834 Fine. 187 00:10:26,840 --> 00:10:28,478 What if she's up for it? 188 00:10:29,920 --> 00:10:31,478 You want to get this sorted out. 189 00:10:31,600 --> 00:10:33,318 - What can we play now? - Don't know. 190 00:10:34,400 --> 00:10:36,994 Ask around. Find out who did the picture, yes. 191 00:10:37,120 --> 00:10:39,111 - Discreetly. - Undercover. 192 00:10:39,240 --> 00:10:42,915 Well, don't go steaming in accusing people. 193 00:10:43,040 --> 00:10:44,314 OK? 194 00:10:44,440 --> 00:10:47,034 I'm trained in this. When I was in the army. 195 00:10:47,160 --> 00:10:49,390 - Territorial. - Territorial Army. 196 00:10:49,520 --> 00:10:51,351 Yeah. Whatever. OK? 197 00:10:51,480 --> 00:10:54,233 OK. I will need some stuff. 198 00:10:54,360 --> 00:10:55,634 Like what? 199 00:10:56,360 --> 00:10:57,634 An office. 200 00:10:57,760 --> 00:11:01,719 - Use the meeting room for now. - I can say it's my office, can I? 201 00:11:02,000 --> 00:11:03,274 What? 202 00:11:03,400 --> 00:11:05,834 I can say to people, "Come into my office"? 203 00:11:05,960 --> 00:11:07,757 Well, while you're doing this, yeah. 204 00:11:07,880 --> 00:11:09,199 Right. 205 00:11:09,320 --> 00:11:11,754 - I'll make a sign. - You don't need a sign. 206 00:11:11,880 --> 00:11:15,873 And if I need the meeting room for a meeting, it's the meeting room. 207 00:11:16,000 --> 00:11:18,878 - Right. I'll take the sign down. - You don't need a sign. 208 00:11:19,000 --> 00:11:20,797 (MOBILE RINGS) Don't make a sign. 209 00:11:21,920 --> 00:11:23,353 Gareth Keenan. 210 00:11:23,480 --> 00:11:25,755 - Who's that? - No one. 211 00:11:32,520 --> 00:11:35,512 No, I'm sorry, you've got the wrong number. Bye. 212 00:11:36,080 --> 00:11:37,479 That's that, OK? 213 00:11:37,600 --> 00:11:39,636 You go left, you go right, kick. 214 00:11:39,760 --> 00:11:41,876 It's ding ding da! 215 00:11:42,000 --> 00:11:44,036 Yeah, but I never said that was... 216 00:11:44,160 --> 00:11:46,549 No, that was straight from "Thriller" though. 217 00:11:46,680 --> 00:11:49,797 Because "Eeeh hee! Ah! Show more!" 218 00:11:49,920 --> 00:11:51,876 - It's that. - Afternoon, Mr Jackson. 219 00:11:52,000 --> 00:11:54,878 I know you're a superstar, but have you sent that fax yet? 220 00:11:57,480 --> 00:11:59,630 Have you heard um...? Have you heard er... 221 00:11:59,760 --> 00:12:01,398 Michael Jackson's new song? 222 00:12:01,520 --> 00:12:04,353 He's teamed up with West Ham football team, apparently. 223 00:12:04,480 --> 00:12:06,436 Doing, "I'm Forever Blowing Bubbles"! 224 00:12:10,440 --> 00:12:11,759 The chimp. 225 00:12:11,920 --> 00:12:15,435 She doesn't know football. Tell her later. 226 00:12:15,560 --> 00:12:18,358 Have you heard George Michael's latest release? 227 00:12:18,480 --> 00:12:21,711 - No. - His latest song. It's a release... 228 00:12:21,840 --> 00:12:24,274 - Is it about blow jobs? - Yeah. It was a hand job. 229 00:12:24,400 --> 00:12:26,675 (DONNA) Is it "Wank Me Off Before You Go Go"? 230 00:12:29,680 --> 00:12:30,954 Um... 231 00:12:32,280 --> 00:12:34,874 What's white and slides down toilet walls? 232 00:12:35,000 --> 00:12:37,639 - I don't know. - Michael Jackson's latest release. 233 00:12:37,760 --> 00:12:39,273 George Michael's. 234 00:12:41,200 --> 00:12:42,758 Good, innit? Oh. 235 00:12:42,880 --> 00:12:45,235 - Can you moonwalk? - Probably not any more. 236 00:12:45,360 --> 00:12:47,510 - Give it a go? - Yeah. I used to... 237 00:12:47,640 --> 00:12:50,359 - Drop your heels back. - You can't do it on this. 238 00:12:50,480 --> 00:12:54,268 Oh, yeah, I know how to do it. I used to do all that stuff as well. 239 00:12:55,960 --> 00:12:59,999 All that sort of stuff, yeah. Just like take control of the body. 240 00:13:00,120 --> 00:13:01,633 It's all that now, isn't it? 241 00:13:01,760 --> 00:13:03,637 - Busy? - Yes, er... 242 00:13:03,760 --> 00:13:05,079 Keeping up morale. 243 00:13:05,200 --> 00:13:06,952 - Can we have a chat? - Yeah. 244 00:13:10,360 --> 00:13:11,634 Ooh! 245 00:13:15,000 --> 00:13:17,036 Keith, Keith, Keith, Keith, Keith... 246 00:13:17,240 --> 00:13:18,559 Thanks for coming in. 247 00:13:19,320 --> 00:13:23,154 Now, you know what this is about. Obviously you've seen the picture. 248 00:13:23,280 --> 00:13:25,396 - David on the computer... - I saw it. 249 00:13:25,520 --> 00:13:27,954 Yeah. And we've all had a bit of a laugh about it. 250 00:13:28,080 --> 00:13:29,513 - It was funny. - Yeah. 251 00:13:29,640 --> 00:13:32,313 There's a time when the joking has to stop. 252 00:13:33,200 --> 00:13:34,792 Not only is it derogatory... 253 00:13:35,400 --> 00:13:37,914 David has trusted me with this because... 254 00:13:38,720 --> 00:13:40,790 not only have I got people skills, 255 00:13:40,920 --> 00:13:43,878 but I am trained in covert operations. 256 00:13:44,840 --> 00:13:47,593 You know the phrase "Softly softly catchee monkey"? 257 00:13:48,960 --> 00:13:51,952 I could catch a monkey. If I was starving, I could. 258 00:13:52,080 --> 00:13:55,277 I would make poison darts out of the poison off deadly frogs. 259 00:13:55,800 --> 00:14:00,191 On milligram of that poison can kill a monkey, or a man. 260 00:14:00,320 --> 00:14:02,959 Prick yourself, you'd be dead within a day. 261 00:14:03,080 --> 00:14:04,399 Or longer. 262 00:14:04,520 --> 00:14:06,272 Different frogs, different times. 263 00:14:06,760 --> 00:14:09,513 Do you know who done the picture? 264 00:14:09,640 --> 00:14:10,914 Yup. 265 00:14:11,040 --> 00:14:12,393 No. I mean, no. 266 00:14:14,240 --> 00:14:17,198 Right. Your first answer was yeah. 267 00:14:17,320 --> 00:14:19,470 - Wasn't it? - I meant no. 268 00:14:19,880 --> 00:14:23,475 - Well, why did you get...? - I er... don't know. 269 00:14:23,600 --> 00:14:25,352 Am I making you nervous? 270 00:14:25,480 --> 00:14:27,198 No. I mean, yeah. 271 00:14:28,520 --> 00:14:29,873 Hmm, that's interesting. 272 00:14:30,080 --> 00:14:34,358 I've just spent two days in Swindon with Neil, and he's made some big changes. 273 00:14:34,480 --> 00:14:36,311 Now, when we spoke on Friday, 274 00:14:36,440 --> 00:14:39,989 you said you were going to instigate some changes. How is that going? 275 00:14:41,280 --> 00:14:43,475 - Great. - Good. What have you done? 276 00:14:45,400 --> 00:14:47,038 Changed many things, really. 277 00:14:47,160 --> 00:14:49,754 In a global sense, streamlining, 278 00:14:49,880 --> 00:14:52,030 the whole ongoing enterprise of it. 279 00:14:52,160 --> 00:14:55,675 I'm sorry, David, that sounds like management-speak. You hate that. 280 00:14:55,800 --> 00:14:57,438 Yeah, I do. So... 281 00:14:57,560 --> 00:15:01,235 Well, can you give me, say, five practical changes that you've made? 282 00:15:01,360 --> 00:15:03,316 - Five changes? - Mmm. 283 00:15:03,440 --> 00:15:06,989 I'll give you three, then another two if you need them. 284 00:15:07,200 --> 00:15:08,474 OK. 285 00:15:09,600 --> 00:15:13,309 Efficiency. Turnover. Profitability. 286 00:15:13,440 --> 00:15:15,715 That still sounds like management-speak. 287 00:15:15,840 --> 00:15:17,717 - No, because... - You hate that. 288 00:15:19,000 --> 00:15:21,753 - Shall I tell you what Neil's done? - Can do. 289 00:15:21,880 --> 00:15:23,791 He's frozen any wage increases. 290 00:15:23,920 --> 00:15:25,717 He's put a stop on all overtime. 291 00:15:25,840 --> 00:15:28,991 And any purchases of £100 or more now go through him. 292 00:15:29,120 --> 00:15:32,192 £100? I was going to make it 90, but £100 is all right. 293 00:15:32,320 --> 00:15:34,880 And he has started making redundancies, David. 294 00:15:35,000 --> 00:15:37,116 - That's only four. - Yeah. Whatever. 295 00:15:37,240 --> 00:15:39,117 Have you made any redundancies? 296 00:15:39,240 --> 00:15:41,879 I gave a speech only this morning to my staff, 297 00:15:42,000 --> 00:15:43,991 assuring them there would be no cutbacks 298 00:15:44,120 --> 00:15:45,951 and certainly no redundancies. 299 00:15:46,080 --> 00:15:49,197 - Why on earth would you do that? - Why? Don't know. 300 00:15:49,320 --> 00:15:52,517 A word that I think's important in management called morale. 301 00:15:52,640 --> 00:15:55,279 Well, it's going to be worse for morale in the long run 302 00:15:55,400 --> 00:15:58,870 when there are redundancies and you've told people there won't be. 303 00:16:02,640 --> 00:16:04,232 They won't remember. 304 00:16:06,240 --> 00:16:07,514 With your arms... 305 00:16:07,640 --> 00:16:08,993 - Ah! - And then... 306 00:16:09,120 --> 00:16:10,439 That way? Ooh! 307 00:16:10,560 --> 00:16:12,118 Yeah, I know. Like a... 308 00:16:12,240 --> 00:16:13,673 Yeah. 309 00:16:15,120 --> 00:16:17,554 David, there have got to be cutbacks. 310 00:16:17,680 --> 00:16:21,195 If you can't do that yourself, I'm your boss, I can do that for you. 311 00:16:21,320 --> 00:16:24,710 You're not the boss here, and I've already made cutbacks. 312 00:16:24,840 --> 00:16:27,035 - You've made cutbacks already? - Yeah. 313 00:16:27,160 --> 00:16:29,230 I didn't want to tell the staff, but you... 314 00:16:29,360 --> 00:16:30,759 Cutbacks where? 315 00:16:31,680 --> 00:16:32,954 Staff. 316 00:16:33,080 --> 00:16:34,718 So there have been redundancies? 317 00:16:34,840 --> 00:16:36,114 Yeah. 318 00:16:36,240 --> 00:16:37,992 - Have you let anyone go? - Yeah. 319 00:16:38,120 --> 00:16:39,519 Who? 320 00:16:40,760 --> 00:16:42,034 Julie. 321 00:16:42,160 --> 00:16:43,832 Where does Julie work? 322 00:16:46,360 --> 00:16:47,679 Warehouse. 323 00:16:47,800 --> 00:16:49,279 What does she do? 324 00:16:50,320 --> 00:16:54,359 She's a general warehouse... in the warehouse. She was, so... 325 00:16:54,480 --> 00:16:57,711 I thought I knew everyone in the warehouse. What's her surname? 326 00:16:59,120 --> 00:17:00,519 Second name? 327 00:17:02,000 --> 00:17:03,592 Anderton. 328 00:17:04,440 --> 00:17:08,831 Um... It's signs that Gareth's made for the door of his office. 329 00:17:08,960 --> 00:17:12,032 He started off with "interrogation room". 330 00:17:12,920 --> 00:17:14,797 He went to "interrogation office", 331 00:17:14,920 --> 00:17:16,399 "investigation room"... 332 00:17:17,200 --> 00:17:19,270 "investigation office", just for... 333 00:17:19,400 --> 00:17:20,753 He really lost it here. 334 00:17:20,880 --> 00:17:24,111 "Quiet please! Invetigation in process." 335 00:17:26,040 --> 00:17:29,828 "Silence. Interrogation." That's frightening. 336 00:17:29,960 --> 00:17:33,191 That's the one he's gone for. "Investigation and meeting room." 337 00:17:33,320 --> 00:17:36,232 Makes sense. My personal favourite has to be... 338 00:17:37,280 --> 00:17:39,555 "Gareth Keenan investigates." 339 00:17:41,120 --> 00:17:42,394 So... 340 00:17:42,520 --> 00:17:44,238 There's a lot of um... 341 00:17:44,360 --> 00:17:46,510 - I'm trying to work in here. - Sorry, mate. 342 00:17:46,640 --> 00:17:49,074 - How is the "invetigation" going? - Good. 343 00:17:49,200 --> 00:17:50,553 Very good. 344 00:17:50,680 --> 00:17:52,511 Do you need a deputy at all? 345 00:17:52,640 --> 00:17:55,074 No. I've already got one. 346 00:17:58,200 --> 00:17:59,599 All right, Sheila? 347 00:18:00,880 --> 00:18:02,233 Keep it down. 348 00:18:11,200 --> 00:18:12,952 This is scary, David. 349 00:18:13,080 --> 00:18:15,958 Don't tie any more cash up in stock unless you have to. 350 00:18:16,080 --> 00:18:19,709 I'm sure you could lose more people from down here. Who's the foreman? 351 00:18:21,040 --> 00:18:22,393 Taffy! 352 00:18:23,000 --> 00:18:24,274 Taffy! 353 00:18:25,160 --> 00:18:26,513 - Glynn! - What? 354 00:18:28,040 --> 00:18:29,678 We all call him Taffy. 355 00:18:30,160 --> 00:18:33,118 The thing is though, no one's dispensable in my book. 356 00:18:33,240 --> 00:18:35,834 We're like one big organism, one big animal. 357 00:18:35,960 --> 00:18:38,918 Yeah? The guys upstairs on the phone - they're the mouth. 358 00:18:39,040 --> 00:18:41,270 The guys down here, the hands. 359 00:18:41,400 --> 00:18:43,391 - And what part are you? - Good question. 360 00:18:43,720 --> 00:18:45,233 Probably the humour. 361 00:18:52,880 --> 00:18:55,997 With responsibility comes harsh things. 362 00:18:56,120 --> 00:19:01,513 Um... People look at me, they say, "Oh, he's tough. He was in the army. 363 00:19:01,720 --> 00:19:04,792 "He's going to be hard. By the book." 364 00:19:04,920 --> 00:19:06,194 But... 365 00:19:06,880 --> 00:19:09,633 I am caring and sensitive. 366 00:19:11,000 --> 00:19:13,150 Isn't "Schindler's List" a brilliant film? 367 00:19:13,960 --> 00:19:15,234 Yeah. 368 00:19:16,680 --> 00:19:19,752 See? People think a strong man can't be sensitive, 369 00:19:19,880 --> 00:19:22,394 but I'm thoughtful and caring... 370 00:19:22,520 --> 00:19:24,033 Sorry, what's this about? 371 00:19:24,160 --> 00:19:27,232 About the picture of David with the two blokes jizzing on him. 372 00:19:27,360 --> 00:19:28,952 Were they both jizzing on him? 373 00:19:29,080 --> 00:19:31,310 I thought he was sucking one of them off. 374 00:19:32,080 --> 00:19:33,354 I don't think... 375 00:19:35,520 --> 00:19:37,238 No, look, it's just jizzing. 376 00:19:38,120 --> 00:19:39,553 Well, I didn't do it. 377 00:19:39,680 --> 00:19:41,352 Good. Fine. 378 00:19:42,040 --> 00:19:44,349 Well, I'm glad we had this little chat. 379 00:19:44,480 --> 00:19:48,314 I don't want you to think of me as your boss... 380 00:19:48,440 --> 00:19:49,839 Well, you're not. 381 00:19:49,960 --> 00:19:51,678 I'm higher up than you, so I am. 382 00:19:52,680 --> 00:19:56,275 What I'm saying is, don't think of me as a boss, 383 00:19:56,480 --> 00:19:59,916 - but know that I am. - I don't think you are. 384 00:20:00,120 --> 00:20:02,793 I'm team leader, so I am. I'm higher up than you. 385 00:20:02,920 --> 00:20:04,672 (MOBILE RINGS) 386 00:20:06,800 --> 00:20:08,074 Gareth Keenan. 387 00:20:08,400 --> 00:20:10,516 Right, seriously. Now, just stop it. 388 00:20:15,520 --> 00:20:17,988 Yes. I've had office romances! 389 00:20:18,120 --> 00:20:19,394 Loads. 390 00:20:19,520 --> 00:20:21,829 Not here, another place I worked at. 391 00:20:21,960 --> 00:20:23,552 Good-looking ones as well. 392 00:20:23,680 --> 00:20:27,309 But they're not a good idea. Office romances. 393 00:20:27,440 --> 00:20:29,635 It's like shitting on your own doorstep. 394 00:20:30,120 --> 00:20:32,759 I've had loads of offers here, but I go, "No way." 395 00:20:32,880 --> 00:20:36,156 Distracting. And that's actually one of the major arguments 396 00:20:36,280 --> 00:20:38,271 against letting gay men into the army. 397 00:20:38,400 --> 00:20:40,197 I haven't got a problem with that - 398 00:20:40,320 --> 00:20:42,993 a gay man's not going to put me off, I can handle myself - 399 00:20:43,120 --> 00:20:45,076 but if we were in battle, 400 00:20:45,200 --> 00:20:47,998 is he going to be looking at the enemy or looking at me 401 00:20:48,120 --> 00:20:50,429 going, "Oooh"? 402 00:20:50,560 --> 00:20:53,677 You know? "He looks tasty in his uniform." 403 00:20:54,840 --> 00:20:56,239 And I'm not homophobic. 404 00:20:56,360 --> 00:20:58,032 Come and look at my CD collection. 405 00:20:58,160 --> 00:21:01,391 You'll find Queen, George Michael, Pet Shop Boys. 406 00:21:01,520 --> 00:21:03,078 They're all bummers. 407 00:21:06,600 --> 00:21:08,192 (DOG BARKS ON TV) 408 00:21:08,320 --> 00:21:11,073 All right, lads? What are you watching? 409 00:21:11,720 --> 00:21:14,280 - It's my dog shagging his dog. - Oh, yeah. 410 00:21:14,400 --> 00:21:18,075 Glynn, David's made it clear to you you'll be losing personnel. 411 00:21:18,200 --> 00:21:19,838 That's funny. Look at his face! 412 00:21:21,560 --> 00:21:25,075 I'm sorry to interrupt, do you think you can lose any more staff? 413 00:21:25,200 --> 00:21:27,156 - I know you lost Julie Anderton. - Who? 414 00:21:27,280 --> 00:21:29,953 - Opening a can of worms. - Julie. David fired her. 415 00:21:30,080 --> 00:21:31,593 - Never heard of her. - Loyalty. 416 00:21:31,720 --> 00:21:34,109 When someone leaves, they no longer exist. 417 00:21:34,240 --> 00:21:35,673 She never existed, did she? 418 00:21:35,800 --> 00:21:37,438 - Well... - You made her up. 419 00:21:37,560 --> 00:21:39,755 You back me into a corner and I act... 420 00:21:39,880 --> 00:21:41,871 - You lied. - It's a form of acting. 421 00:21:42,000 --> 00:21:43,956 Can you take this upstairs? We're busy. 422 00:21:44,080 --> 00:21:46,799 - You don't look busy. - Do you want me to get busy, love? 423 00:21:46,920 --> 00:21:48,194 Sorry? 424 00:21:48,320 --> 00:21:50,117 Gazza likes some posh. 425 00:21:50,240 --> 00:21:51,639 - A word with you now. - Yup. 426 00:21:54,280 --> 00:21:55,713 That was out of order in a way. 427 00:21:55,840 --> 00:21:57,193 - Ooh! - I'm not in trouble. 428 00:21:57,320 --> 00:21:59,276 What she needs is a good shagging! 429 00:21:59,400 --> 00:22:01,868 I might bloody have to now. See you later. 430 00:22:04,800 --> 00:22:06,199 Now, then. You two. 431 00:22:07,400 --> 00:22:09,038 Dawn and Tim. 432 00:22:10,280 --> 00:22:12,077 What do you want, Gareth? 433 00:22:12,640 --> 00:22:15,279 I've been assigned to find out who did the picture. 434 00:22:15,480 --> 00:22:17,198 Right. Who was it? 435 00:22:17,320 --> 00:22:19,436 - Well, I don't know. - Will you get fired? 436 00:22:19,560 --> 00:22:21,391 - Will I get fired? - If you don't know. 437 00:22:21,520 --> 00:22:25,115 Well, I'm doing investigations now. Was it one of you two? 438 00:22:25,240 --> 00:22:26,719 Yes. Christ, you're good. 439 00:22:26,840 --> 00:22:28,239 - Was it? - No! 440 00:22:28,360 --> 00:22:29,634 I knew it wasn't. 441 00:22:29,760 --> 00:22:31,955 I'm not going to fire you if you know anything 442 00:22:32,080 --> 00:22:33,354 - because... - You couldn't. 443 00:22:33,480 --> 00:22:34,913 - I could. - How? 444 00:22:35,040 --> 00:22:37,315 I'd say, "You're fired. Clear your desk." 445 00:22:37,440 --> 00:22:39,351 I'd say you don't have the authority. 446 00:22:39,480 --> 00:22:40,799 Not true, not true. 447 00:22:40,920 --> 00:22:43,150 Because in this room, I have special... 448 00:22:43,280 --> 00:22:45,555 - Needs? - No. I am a special... 449 00:22:45,680 --> 00:22:47,716 - Needs child? - No, and that's not funny. 450 00:22:47,840 --> 00:22:50,513 - I won't have you fired because... - You couldn't. 451 00:22:50,640 --> 00:22:51,993 That's all. 452 00:23:02,120 --> 00:23:04,429 I can't believe their total lack of respect. 453 00:23:04,560 --> 00:23:07,711 Not only did they undermine you in an authoritative sense... 454 00:23:07,840 --> 00:23:09,717 (KNOCKING) Come in, Gareth. 455 00:23:09,840 --> 00:23:11,876 ...but they left an image in my mind 456 00:23:12,000 --> 00:23:14,434 of you naked on all fours, 457 00:23:14,640 --> 00:23:17,313 being quite literally done doggie-style. 458 00:23:17,880 --> 00:23:19,154 David! 459 00:23:21,040 --> 00:23:23,315 - Carry on. - What is it? 460 00:23:23,440 --> 00:23:25,192 I've found the guilty man. 461 00:23:25,320 --> 00:23:27,595 - Have you indeed? - Can this wait, David? 462 00:23:28,040 --> 00:23:29,314 Er, yeah, 463 00:23:29,440 --> 00:23:32,591 but if I tell you there's sexist pornography - which I hate - 464 00:23:32,720 --> 00:23:35,154 going round the office, do you want it to wait? 465 00:23:35,280 --> 00:23:36,599 Pornography? 466 00:23:36,720 --> 00:23:39,280 - Who was it? - Surprise, surprise. It was Tim. 467 00:23:40,360 --> 00:23:42,635 Shame. Good man. How can you be sure? 468 00:23:42,760 --> 00:23:45,911 I found these pictures on his hard drive, from the Internet. 469 00:23:46,040 --> 00:23:47,678 After investigation, 470 00:23:47,800 --> 00:23:50,268 licensed by, carried out by... 471 00:23:51,880 --> 00:23:53,154 Oh, no. 472 00:23:53,920 --> 00:23:56,957 Urgh. I don't want you to see this. I don't want to see this. 473 00:23:57,840 --> 00:23:59,717 That's worse than the one before. 474 00:24:00,520 --> 00:24:02,988 Oh, I hope there aren't any more. There are more. 475 00:24:03,120 --> 00:24:06,317 Well, he will have to be disciplined 476 00:24:06,440 --> 00:24:09,079 because when the disciplining has to be done, 477 00:24:09,200 --> 00:24:12,510 then the laughter stops for that amount of time, then continues, 478 00:24:12,640 --> 00:24:14,835 rehabilitation notwithstanding. 479 00:24:14,960 --> 00:24:16,598 It's everywhere. Oh. 480 00:24:16,720 --> 00:24:18,517 How did you find out? 481 00:24:18,640 --> 00:24:21,393 I suspected the pictures came off the Internet, 482 00:24:21,520 --> 00:24:23,238 so I checked everyone's computer. 483 00:24:23,440 --> 00:24:26,318 There is a log of every web page you've visited. 484 00:24:26,440 --> 00:24:29,034 You just go to Internet Page and then... History. 485 00:24:29,160 --> 00:24:32,709 - Well, it's not worth it... - It only takes a second. 486 00:24:32,840 --> 00:24:35,115 I don't want to know how it's done, in a way. 487 00:24:35,240 --> 00:24:39,028 Can you delete the history thing on the computer? We should really. 488 00:24:39,160 --> 00:24:41,799 - David, this is a meeting. - Yeah, yeah. 489 00:24:41,920 --> 00:24:44,559 OK. That's all. Anything else? 490 00:24:44,680 --> 00:24:46,352 Taffy phoned from the warehouse. 491 00:24:46,480 --> 00:24:48,232 - He's got a video for you. - Thanks. 492 00:24:48,360 --> 00:24:50,749 - This is just one big boy's club! - Not really. 493 00:24:50,880 --> 00:24:53,269 Seedy little men with seedy little jokes. 494 00:24:53,400 --> 00:24:55,038 This morning, perfect example! 495 00:24:55,160 --> 00:24:57,355 I do not want to be put in that position again. 496 00:24:57,480 --> 00:24:59,072 Don't go down the warehouse. 497 00:24:59,200 --> 00:25:01,953 Don't tell me where I can and can't go in my own company. 498 00:25:02,080 --> 00:25:05,038 You're on very thin ice. You've already lied to me today. 499 00:25:05,160 --> 00:25:06,434 What's that? 500 00:25:06,560 --> 00:25:09,279 You don't have the guts to do your own job. 501 00:25:09,400 --> 00:25:10,879 I don't have the guts? 502 00:25:11,000 --> 00:25:14,754 If you're not man enough to do your job, I will do it for you. 503 00:25:14,880 --> 00:25:16,154 Not man enough? 504 00:25:17,600 --> 00:25:18,874 OK. 505 00:25:19,640 --> 00:25:21,073 Come here. 506 00:25:29,520 --> 00:25:30,953 Busy at work? 507 00:25:31,960 --> 00:25:34,155 - Is there a problem? - Yeah. That. 508 00:25:35,240 --> 00:25:36,673 Sorry. What's that? 509 00:25:36,800 --> 00:25:40,713 I don't know. A dirty picture with my head on it, as a sex object. 510 00:25:41,680 --> 00:25:44,433 And don't... You know I like a laugh, Tim. 511 00:25:46,000 --> 00:25:49,356 Porno laughs are not funny, OK? 512 00:25:49,560 --> 00:25:52,154 - I'm disappointed. - You think I did this? 513 00:25:52,360 --> 00:25:53,634 Case closed. 514 00:25:53,760 --> 00:25:56,228 Shouldn't I say that as it was my investigation? 515 00:25:56,960 --> 00:26:00,111 What annoys me is you obviously didn't do it in your own time... 516 00:26:00,320 --> 00:26:03,278 Whoa, whoa. Colombo here figured it out, did he? 517 00:26:03,400 --> 00:26:07,518 Well, I must be guilty if you've got your best man on the case! 518 00:26:07,640 --> 00:26:09,915 Stop trying to be funny for one second, Tim, 519 00:26:10,120 --> 00:26:13,556 and listen, OK? Stop taking advantage of my good nature. 520 00:26:13,680 --> 00:26:16,558 I can be like every other boss in this situation. 521 00:26:16,680 --> 00:26:17,954 OK? Right? 522 00:26:18,080 --> 00:26:21,197 You're taking the piss and I'm getting sick of it. 523 00:26:21,320 --> 00:26:24,710 David, it wasn't me, OK? It was your good friend Chris Finch. 524 00:26:26,600 --> 00:26:28,158 He used my computer. 525 00:26:28,280 --> 00:26:31,317 He said he was your best mate and you'd find it hilarious. 526 00:26:31,440 --> 00:26:32,793 Oh... 527 00:26:33,400 --> 00:26:36,358 No, it is. That was never in question. 528 00:26:36,480 --> 00:26:39,278 I think it's bloody hilarious. You're missing the... 529 00:26:39,400 --> 00:26:42,790 Are you going to apologise to Tim? 530 00:26:42,920 --> 00:26:46,469 I'll tell you about families. You don't have to, in a way. 531 00:26:46,600 --> 00:26:47,874 So... 532 00:26:48,360 --> 00:26:50,794 Are you going to apologise to Tim? 533 00:26:50,920 --> 00:26:52,672 I have, in a way... 534 00:26:52,800 --> 00:26:55,109 - Are you going to apologise now? - Yes! 535 00:27:02,320 --> 00:27:04,629 S-s-s... sorry about that. 536 00:27:05,680 --> 00:27:07,955 You covered for it so well, as well. 537 00:27:08,080 --> 00:27:09,877 You were involved, but you covered. 538 00:27:10,000 --> 00:27:11,991 I don't want to be here when you bawl out Finchy. 539 00:27:12,120 --> 00:27:14,236 You won't be. It's not fair. Nor will you. 540 00:27:14,360 --> 00:27:16,669 So it's not offensive now it's Chris Finch? 541 00:27:16,800 --> 00:27:20,952 Let's not dwell on whether it is or isn't this or... 542 00:27:21,160 --> 00:27:23,628 Let's stop degrading women, please. 543 00:27:23,760 --> 00:27:26,718 Let's have a laugh with them, not at them. 544 00:27:26,840 --> 00:27:28,796 Let's have a laugh at work, 545 00:27:28,920 --> 00:27:31,275 with women... at us. 546 00:27:31,400 --> 00:27:34,870 So you'll tell Chris Finch he won't be working with us any more? 547 00:27:35,000 --> 00:27:37,639 Good idea - get rid of a good rep because of a joke. 548 00:27:37,760 --> 00:27:40,911 - David, don't even start. - No, no, fine. 549 00:27:41,040 --> 00:27:43,031 That's come from the top. 550 00:27:45,840 --> 00:27:49,230 Yeah. Hi, Chris. It's David here. Yeah. Bad news, mate. 551 00:27:49,360 --> 00:27:52,397 We're going to have to let you go. We can't use you any more. 552 00:27:52,520 --> 00:27:54,033 'Cause of the joke. 553 00:27:54,160 --> 00:27:57,436 I've got a sense of humour, but that was offensive towards women, 554 00:27:57,560 --> 00:28:00,120 and I can't tolerate that. I'll have to pass on... 555 00:28:00,240 --> 00:28:04,597 The time sponsored by Accurist will be 4.21 556 00:28:04,800 --> 00:28:06,358 and 40 seconds. 557 00:28:07,640 --> 00:28:09,073 - Pathetic. - Is it? 558 00:28:09,200 --> 00:28:11,873 At the third stroke, the time sponsored by Accurist 559 00:28:12,080 --> 00:28:15,709 will be 4.21 and 50 seconds. 560 00:28:27,000 --> 00:28:28,956 Has anyone got the right time? 561 00:28:36,080 --> 00:28:39,834 # So what becomes of you, my love, 562 00:28:41,560 --> 00:28:46,236 # When they have finally stripped you of 563 00:28:46,600 --> 00:28:48,955 # The handbags and the gladrags 564 00:28:49,080 --> 00:28:51,435 # That your granddad had to sweat 565 00:28:51,560 --> 00:29:01,231 # So you could buy. # 9999 00:00:0,500 --> 00:00:2,00 www.tvsubtitles.net