1 00:00:32,080 --> 00:00:34,753 (INAUDIBLE) 2 00:00:41,400 --> 00:00:42,913 Sorry. 3 00:00:51,640 --> 00:00:56,998 No problem. No problem. Um... half an hour? 4 00:00:59,360 --> 00:01:02,033 Another day, another dollar. 5 00:01:02,240 --> 00:01:04,435 Any mail? 6 00:01:07,560 --> 00:01:11,838 - That's your... That's an earring. - Whatever. Get over it. 7 00:01:12,040 --> 00:01:15,112 - How long have you had that? - Too long, baby. 8 00:01:15,320 --> 00:01:17,880 - It's bleeding. - Really stings. 9 00:01:18,080 --> 00:01:22,232 - Is it an old one that...? - Yeah. I had to push really hard. 10 00:01:22,440 --> 00:01:27,639 - They heal over. - It had healed over. So I opened a sore... 11 00:01:30,200 --> 00:01:34,239 - What are you looking at? - Nothing. 12 00:01:34,440 --> 00:01:37,796 You know Ray and Jude that I had the meeting with? 13 00:01:38,000 --> 00:01:44,348 You know they do training seminars and use expert speakers. 14 00:01:44,560 --> 00:01:49,714 - They're using me... for my... - Expertise. 15 00:01:49,920 --> 00:01:53,276 The good news for you is you're involved. 16 00:01:53,480 --> 00:01:55,755 - How? - I'm doing one tonight. 17 00:01:55,960 --> 00:01:58,918 I'm getting quite a bit of money for it. £300. 18 00:01:59,120 --> 00:02:03,113 So I need someone just to carry my bag and organise... 19 00:02:03,320 --> 00:02:06,312 - I'm not... - £100 for an hour's work. 20 00:02:06,520 --> 00:02:09,592 - £100 for an hour? That is a lot. - 80. 21 00:02:09,800 --> 00:02:11,518 - You said 100. - 90. 22 00:02:11,720 --> 00:02:14,712 - You said 100. - All right. Get there early, then. 23 00:02:14,920 --> 00:02:17,718 Sharing the wealth, see? Looking after... 24 00:02:17,920 --> 00:02:20,878 That is silly money. I should have... 25 00:02:23,160 --> 00:02:27,119 Very exciting. It's what I've always wanted to do. 26 00:02:27,320 --> 00:02:29,709 I've had these cards made up. 27 00:02:29,920 --> 00:02:33,913 "David Brent. Assertiveness and guidance training in business. 28 00:02:34,120 --> 00:02:38,591 "If it's in you, I'll find it." That's actually what I do. 29 00:02:38,800 --> 00:02:43,316 I just point out what you've already got. I'm like a spiritual guide. 30 00:02:43,520 --> 00:02:48,355 The reason I put "lf" it's in you is if I waste time and money looking for it 31 00:02:48,560 --> 00:02:53,315 and I can see it's not in you, I don't want to be sued because you haven't got it. 32 00:02:53,520 --> 00:02:56,830 You're not going to get me on that. 33 00:03:08,400 --> 00:03:12,632 - What's going on here? - What does it look like? 34 00:03:12,840 --> 00:03:16,435 - When were you going to tell me? - Huh? 35 00:03:16,640 --> 00:03:19,837 I can't believe you'd get off with a bird I fancy. 36 00:03:20,040 --> 00:03:21,473 Why not? 37 00:03:21,680 --> 00:03:26,549 I can't believe a bird fancies you over me. He's a weird little bloke. 38 00:03:26,760 --> 00:03:32,357 Look at his hair. He looks like a Fisher Price man. His rubbish clothes. 39 00:03:32,560 --> 00:03:38,590 There must be something wrong with you, but I'd still do you, so I'm confused. 40 00:03:39,960 --> 00:03:45,717 I'll ask you straight. Can anything happen between us two while this is going on? 41 00:03:45,920 --> 00:03:49,390 - Like what? - Specifically? 42 00:03:49,600 --> 00:03:51,033 Yeah. 43 00:03:52,400 --> 00:03:56,359 Hand job? Don't answer. Think about it. 44 00:04:02,600 --> 00:04:05,353 - Do I look like a Fisher Price man? - Yeah! 45 00:04:05,560 --> 00:04:07,357 Don't say yeah. 46 00:04:13,680 --> 00:04:15,716 - Hi, Dawn. - Hi. 47 00:04:15,920 --> 00:04:19,356 - Your favourite computer geek is here. - Jesus! 48 00:04:25,320 --> 00:04:28,357 All right, Simon? How's it going? 49 00:04:30,960 --> 00:04:33,394 What are you doing with my computer? 50 00:04:33,600 --> 00:04:37,388 It's not your computer, is it? It's Wernham-Hogg's. 51 00:04:37,600 --> 00:04:40,114 What are you doing with Wernham-Hogg's computer? 52 00:04:40,320 --> 00:04:44,154 - You don't need to know. - No, but tell me anyway. 53 00:04:44,360 --> 00:04:48,114 - I'm installing a firewall. - What's that? 54 00:04:48,320 --> 00:04:52,791 Protects your computer against viruses, worms and Trojan horses 55 00:04:53,000 --> 00:04:55,833 and limits your Internet communications. 56 00:04:56,040 --> 00:04:58,600 - How long will it take? - Why? 57 00:04:58,800 --> 00:05:03,510 - Out of interest. - It will take as long as it takes. 58 00:05:03,720 --> 00:05:07,679 - How long did it take last time...? - It's done. 59 00:05:07,880 --> 00:05:12,317 When it comes back on it'll ask you to hit yes, no or cancel. 60 00:05:12,520 --> 00:05:15,717 - Hit cancel. Do not hit yes or no. - Right. 61 00:05:15,920 --> 00:05:17,911 - Did you hear what I said? - Yup. 62 00:05:18,120 --> 00:05:20,111 - What did I say? - Hit cancel. 63 00:05:23,080 --> 00:05:26,356 Um... I'm an educator. 64 00:05:26,560 --> 00:05:31,953 I'm a motivator of people. I excite their imaginations. 65 00:05:32,160 --> 00:05:37,109 It's like bloody "Dead Poet's Society" when they all stand on the tables... 66 00:05:37,320 --> 00:05:41,711 I wouldn't want them on the tables - it's against Health and Safety. 67 00:05:41,920 --> 00:05:46,516 Life is about communication. We live for threescore year and ten 68 00:05:46,720 --> 00:05:51,350 and it's "Did I communicate?" "Yes." "Did I get something across?" "Yes." 69 00:05:51,560 --> 00:05:56,509 "Are you going to pay me for it?" "Yes. Lots." Not why I do it, but thank you. 70 00:06:01,440 --> 00:06:06,833 - Going karting this weekend with the lads. - What, down Super Karts? 71 00:06:07,040 --> 00:06:09,315 - Mm. - You any good? 72 00:06:09,520 --> 00:06:13,354 Came first last time. Got a certificate. 73 00:06:13,560 --> 00:06:18,475 I went down there when it opened. I did a couple of laps, pulled over. 74 00:06:18,680 --> 00:06:23,629 The owner said, "No professionals." I said, "I'm not a professional." 75 00:06:23,840 --> 00:06:26,991 He said, "You're not a professional? You should be. 76 00:06:27,200 --> 00:06:31,113 "Take up Formula One. You'll be the best in the country." 77 00:06:31,320 --> 00:06:35,677 I said, "I'm not interested. I'm making shitloads in computers." 78 00:06:35,880 --> 00:06:37,836 You ever tried speedway? 79 00:06:38,040 --> 00:06:39,871 - Have you? - Yeah. 80 00:06:40,080 --> 00:06:46,713 I was doing it once, bombing it round and some idiot had left a ramp thing out. 81 00:06:46,920 --> 00:06:53,075 People were going, "If that guy hits that ramp at that speed, he's definitely dead." 82 00:06:53,280 --> 00:06:58,593 I hit the ramp, turned over in the air. They were going, "He's definitely dead." 83 00:06:58,800 --> 00:07:01,758 Landed on my wheels and pulled over. 84 00:07:04,120 --> 00:07:06,509 - About five? - Five. 85 00:07:06,720 --> 00:07:09,996 - Who's this chat with? - Mothers' meeting? 86 00:07:10,200 --> 00:07:15,877 - Dawn says she's shutting down at five. - Just half an hour early today. 87 00:07:16,080 --> 00:07:21,154 - Can it run OK without her? - Yeah. They can answer their own phones. 88 00:07:21,360 --> 00:07:25,319 - So we can lose her altogether, can we? - What do you mean? 89 00:07:25,520 --> 00:07:29,957 - Either she's needed or she's not. - We do need a receptionist. 90 00:07:30,160 --> 00:07:32,435 You haven't put a system in place. 91 00:07:32,640 --> 00:07:37,236 You've told Dawn to shut at five. You haven't told people to get the phone. 92 00:07:37,440 --> 00:07:41,228 - Does Dawn know about the post? - They can do their own post. 93 00:07:41,440 --> 00:07:45,035 It's no use telling her now. There's no system. 94 00:07:45,240 --> 00:07:49,836 - I'm tired of this fuzzy thinking. - Chill out. Don't have a cow, mate. 95 00:07:50,040 --> 00:07:54,272 Don't talk to me like you've forgotten who's in charge. I'm your boss. 96 00:07:54,480 --> 00:07:57,233 - Yeah. - Try and think things through. 97 00:08:02,880 --> 00:08:06,589 That was your fault. I took the rap for you. 98 00:08:12,560 --> 00:08:16,599 Once, when Bruce Lee was filming, one of the extras started a fight. 99 00:08:16,800 --> 00:08:20,349 He was amazing at Kung Fu but Lee did a roundhouse on him... 100 00:08:20,560 --> 00:08:26,510 No. He smashed him through a wall. Instead of firing him, he said, "Go on with the filming." 101 00:08:26,720 --> 00:08:28,676 Those cats were fast as lightning. 102 00:08:28,880 --> 00:08:31,110 You know he fights Chuck Norris in "Enter The Dragon"...? 103 00:08:31,320 --> 00:08:33,550 - No. - You've not seen that? 104 00:08:33,760 --> 00:08:37,594 - No. - Have you not...? That is a classic. 105 00:08:37,800 --> 00:08:43,318 I've seen him fight Chuck Norris in "Way Of The Dragon." 106 00:08:43,520 --> 00:08:45,272 That's what I meant. 107 00:08:45,480 --> 00:08:48,278 You said you saw him fight Norris in "Enter The Dragon". 108 00:08:48,480 --> 00:08:52,792 He fights Bob Wall in both, but Norris is only in "Way Of The Dragon." 109 00:08:53,000 --> 00:08:55,230 - So he's fighting Norris... - In what? 110 00:08:55,440 --> 00:08:57,749 - "Way Of The Dragon." - Correct. 111 00:08:57,960 --> 00:09:02,192 - Um... - You know Bruce Lee's not really dead? 112 00:09:02,400 --> 00:09:07,679 It's in a book. He faked his own death to work undercover for the Hong Kong police 113 00:09:07,880 --> 00:09:11,316 - infiltrating the Triads. - I reckon it's true. 114 00:09:11,520 --> 00:09:15,638 Yeah, because if you wanted to send someone undercover, 115 00:09:15,840 --> 00:09:19,799 you'd want the world's most famous Chinese film star! 116 00:09:20,000 --> 00:09:22,434 Gone off Dawn now, have you? 117 00:09:22,640 --> 00:09:26,155 - What? - What? What are you talking about? 118 00:09:27,440 --> 00:09:30,113 Just shut up. Shut up. 119 00:09:39,400 --> 00:09:43,234 Do a credit check. We haven't worked with them for ages. 120 00:09:43,440 --> 00:09:46,591 - I said we'd go round about four. - Yeah. 121 00:09:48,360 --> 00:09:50,316 - Oi, Tim. - Mm? 122 00:09:50,520 --> 00:09:52,795 - You shagged her yet? - What? 123 00:09:53,000 --> 00:09:54,991 - Your bird? - Rachel? 124 00:09:55,200 --> 00:09:58,351 - Have you done her yet? - Course he hasn't. 125 00:10:00,560 --> 00:10:02,869 I don't kiss and tell, Lee. 126 00:10:03,080 --> 00:10:05,355 (LEE) I bet you bloody have. 127 00:10:08,640 --> 00:10:12,428 Lips are sealed. Don't ask me. 128 00:10:12,640 --> 00:10:14,756 He's done well there. 129 00:10:14,960 --> 00:10:19,238 - What do you mean? - She's tasty. She's nice. 130 00:10:19,440 --> 00:10:22,716 - You don't know her. - She's very attractive. 131 00:10:22,920 --> 00:10:25,878 She's not very attractive. 132 00:10:26,240 --> 00:10:31,268 Ray will introduce me and I'll come out and do a few gags, 133 00:10:31,480 --> 00:10:34,677 then I'll go, "You have to be thick-skinned in business. 134 00:10:34,880 --> 00:10:39,317 "Whether you're the tea-boy or the manager, people will try to shake your spirit. 135 00:10:39,520 --> 00:10:42,398 "Do not listen. Let's do an exercise." 136 00:10:42,600 --> 00:10:46,718 Then I'll pick on someone at random. "Sir. What's your name?" 137 00:10:47,640 --> 00:10:49,915 - Say your name. - Leroy. 138 00:10:50,120 --> 00:10:52,873 - Who's Leroy? - The coloured fellow off "Fame". 139 00:10:53,080 --> 00:10:55,275 - Use your own name. - Gareth. 140 00:10:55,480 --> 00:11:00,508 "Hi, Gareth. Insult me. Let me show you that sticks and stones may break my bones 141 00:11:00,720 --> 00:11:02,756 "but names will never hurt me." 142 00:11:02,960 --> 00:11:06,714 Throw some insults at me and I'll roll with the punches. 143 00:11:06,920 --> 00:11:09,115 The Swindon lot don't respect you. 144 00:11:09,320 --> 00:11:13,916 They don't know me. And it's not true. Do something else. 145 00:11:14,120 --> 00:11:19,114 - People are laughing at your heels. - I'm not going to wear those shoes! 146 00:11:19,320 --> 00:11:23,279 - And the earring? - They're having a go at that? What else? 147 00:11:23,480 --> 00:11:26,233 - They've given you a nickname. - The Swindon lot? 148 00:11:26,440 --> 00:11:28,715 - Everyone's using it. - What is it? 149 00:11:28,920 --> 00:11:30,911 - I don't really... - What is it? 150 00:11:31,120 --> 00:11:33,588 - Bluto. - The villain from Popeye? 151 00:11:33,800 --> 00:11:36,394 - 'Cause of the beard? - Because he's... 152 00:11:36,600 --> 00:11:42,232 - What's that? I can't believe this. - They'll know it was me! David! 153 00:11:45,640 --> 00:11:47,676 Hello. Sorry, everybody. 154 00:11:47,880 --> 00:11:52,078 Look, we are one big happy family here. 155 00:11:52,280 --> 00:11:55,909 I've been trying to welcome you new guys. 156 00:11:56,120 --> 00:12:01,114 I didn't want you here, but you're here now, so well done. Welcome. 157 00:12:01,320 --> 00:12:05,438 But if there's one thing I don't like, it's nicknames. 158 00:12:05,640 --> 00:12:11,715 Because nicknames are bad... names. 159 00:12:12,960 --> 00:12:15,838 Yeah? They're not helpful. 160 00:12:16,040 --> 00:12:20,318 They can be hurtful. Not to me - it's like water off a duck's back, but... 161 00:12:20,520 --> 00:12:24,479 - You used to call Malcolm "Kojak". - That was affectionate. 162 00:12:24,680 --> 00:12:28,719 - He was a great detective. - Maybe "Mr Toad" is affectionate. 163 00:12:28,920 --> 00:12:32,356 - Who's Mr Toad? - Some people call you that. 164 00:12:32,560 --> 00:12:35,996 - I thought I was Bluto? - Yeah. Bluto and Mr Toad. 165 00:12:36,200 --> 00:12:38,475 Why am I Mr Toad? 166 00:12:38,680 --> 00:12:43,196 There's the face again. It's an insult, isn't it? Very... 167 00:12:43,400 --> 00:12:49,077 Body fascism that is. The toad is the ugliest of all the amphibians. 168 00:12:49,280 --> 00:12:53,319 If we're handing out insults for being fat, let's have a go at him. 169 00:12:53,520 --> 00:12:58,640 Look at him. And he's got glasses. Let's call him Four-Eyes as well. 170 00:12:58,840 --> 00:13:05,188 Why don't we call him Fatty Fatty Toad Boy? At least start on him and then move on... 171 00:13:07,080 --> 00:13:09,753 Mr Toad! I can't... 172 00:13:17,600 --> 00:13:22,071 - Everything adding up? - Yeah. It was a real mess beforehand. 173 00:13:22,280 --> 00:13:24,350 - On top of it now? - Yes. 174 00:13:24,560 --> 00:13:28,109 - How about you, Brenda? - OK, but I didn't get my wages. 175 00:13:28,320 --> 00:13:32,757 - Did you not? Did you tell David? - Yes. I told him in time. 176 00:13:32,960 --> 00:13:36,748 I'm sorry about that. Let me sort that out for you. 177 00:13:36,960 --> 00:13:39,428 - I don't want to cause... - Don't worry. 178 00:13:45,760 --> 00:13:48,194 - Working hard? - Working out. 179 00:13:48,400 --> 00:13:53,713 - Fit body. Fit mind. - Good. Couple of things. 180 00:13:57,160 --> 00:14:00,550 - Did your wages go through OK this month? - Yeah. 181 00:14:00,760 --> 00:14:02,239 - Yours, Gareth? - Yup. 182 00:14:02,440 --> 00:14:07,958 Good. So you two are OK. Why, then, has one of your team not been paid this month? 183 00:14:09,960 --> 00:14:11,916 Oh. Eh? 184 00:14:13,280 --> 00:14:14,713 No. 185 00:14:14,920 --> 00:14:21,075 He fears my methods because he doesn't understand them. Human nature, but relax. 186 00:14:21,280 --> 00:14:25,592 I don't want all this, "What are you doing? How are you doing it?" 187 00:14:25,800 --> 00:14:28,234 No. Judge me by my results. 188 00:14:28,440 --> 00:14:32,877 This is not the first time you've forgotten something important. 189 00:14:33,080 --> 00:14:36,516 - People shouldn't have to come to me. - Snitches. 190 00:14:36,720 --> 00:14:41,111 I've never seen you write anything down. Do you use your computers? 191 00:14:41,320 --> 00:14:44,790 - You've got to have a system. - It's all up there. 192 00:14:45,000 --> 00:14:47,833 - It's not all up there, is it? - Most of it is. 193 00:14:48,040 --> 00:14:50,998 When I was managing the Swindon branch, 194 00:14:51,200 --> 00:14:54,272 we thought your branch were having a laugh. 195 00:14:54,480 --> 00:14:57,040 - Thanks very much. - Not in a good way. 196 00:14:57,240 --> 00:15:00,312 Mucking around at the expense of Wernham-Hogg. 197 00:15:00,520 --> 00:15:04,069 Who's to say if they weren't having a laugh, it would be... 198 00:15:04,280 --> 00:15:09,718 I'm not interested in that. I think you'd rather be popular than steer the ship. 199 00:15:09,920 --> 00:15:14,038 Rubbish. This branch has performed very well. 200 00:15:14,240 --> 00:15:16,595 I want it to perform a lot better. 201 00:15:16,800 --> 00:15:22,557 What is "better?" On a graph of people versus task, where does the line go? 202 00:15:22,760 --> 00:15:28,312 Where I say. If you can't improve your sales - with or without making people laugh - 203 00:15:28,520 --> 00:15:31,990 you and I will have to have a serious chat. 204 00:15:32,200 --> 00:15:36,159 Is this why you're always around? I don't need a babysitter. 205 00:15:36,360 --> 00:15:38,316 With respect, David, you do. 206 00:15:38,520 --> 00:15:42,672 I'm worried this management thing tonight is affecting your performance. 207 00:15:42,880 --> 00:15:45,110 It's extracurricular, like golf. 208 00:15:45,320 --> 00:15:46,912 - I play golf. - There. 209 00:15:47,120 --> 00:15:50,874 Yes, but I'm performing as I want me to perform. You're not. 210 00:15:51,080 --> 00:15:55,995 I'm performing as I want to. It's a good performance. Let's agree to disagree. 211 00:15:56,200 --> 00:15:58,430 No. Let's agree that you agree with me. 212 00:16:00,360 --> 00:16:03,477 Ooh. You're hard. Showing off because... 213 00:16:03,680 --> 00:16:07,639 I think I've made my point, David. I'll see you later. 214 00:16:17,360 --> 00:16:19,715 - What are you doing? - You're tense. 215 00:16:19,920 --> 00:16:21,990 I am with him... 216 00:16:22,200 --> 00:16:24,839 - Does that feel nice? - Yeah, but... 217 00:16:25,040 --> 00:16:29,352 - Do some more work on your abs? - Not now. 218 00:17:12,440 --> 00:17:14,795 - Is he ready yet? - Who? 219 00:17:15,000 --> 00:17:17,594 - David. - I dunno. 220 00:17:17,800 --> 00:17:21,509 - What are you doing tonight? - We're going to the pub. 221 00:17:21,720 --> 00:17:23,790 - "We" is? - Me and Rachel. 222 00:17:24,000 --> 00:17:28,391 - Excellent. Just a couple of pints. - We won't go mad. 223 00:17:28,600 --> 00:17:32,957 Think of me, stuck with... You should come for a laugh. 224 00:17:33,160 --> 00:17:37,119 - We'd better stay out of it. - Definitely. Wise. 225 00:17:37,320 --> 00:17:40,278 - All right, babes. - See you later. 226 00:17:50,440 --> 00:17:53,955 See you later. We're off on our date. 227 00:17:54,160 --> 00:17:58,870 It's not a date. I'm paying her. What sort of date is that? 228 00:17:59,080 --> 00:18:01,913 And £100. What would I get for that? 229 00:18:02,120 --> 00:18:05,192 Not that I would. Everything, I imagine. 230 00:18:05,400 --> 00:18:09,552 I'm not imagining any of it, but I do know... I'm just... 231 00:18:09,760 --> 00:18:13,196 Carry that. That's what you're being paid for. 232 00:18:29,480 --> 00:18:33,439 Tonight you've got two groups. They're both from Reading. 233 00:18:47,920 --> 00:18:52,118 The other three guys have all done it before, so... 234 00:18:52,320 --> 00:18:57,269 - I'll introduce you when they get here. - I love being backstage. 235 00:18:57,480 --> 00:19:02,508 Can I take a photo? It's for the website and the newsletter, if that's OK? 236 00:19:02,720 --> 00:19:06,998 - No problem. You taking a light reading? - I think it'll be OK. 237 00:19:07,200 --> 00:19:09,634 - If you just... - Yeah. 238 00:19:14,600 --> 00:19:17,160 Just be yourself. A bit more relaxed. 239 00:19:19,840 --> 00:19:22,149 Something like that? 240 00:19:23,920 --> 00:19:26,480 - Not quite. - OK. 241 00:19:34,320 --> 00:19:37,756 - Maybe if you just sit down. - You're the boss. 242 00:19:50,840 --> 00:19:55,197 I'm looking forward to this. I think it'll be quite a good one. 243 00:19:55,400 --> 00:20:00,190 - Hello, mate. - Are you guys talking at this gig as well? 244 00:20:00,400 --> 00:20:02,994 Yeah. We're just having a sneaky joint. 245 00:20:03,200 --> 00:20:08,228 Well, partially decriminalised now anyway, isn't it? At last. 246 00:20:08,440 --> 00:20:10,954 - Go for it. - OK. 247 00:20:11,160 --> 00:20:14,550 - Is it skunk? - Just weed. You want a taste? 248 00:20:14,760 --> 00:20:17,194 - You sure? - Yeah. I'm on a diet. 249 00:20:17,400 --> 00:20:21,439 When I get wasted, I go to munchie-city, so... 250 00:20:21,640 --> 00:20:26,589 I'm mad enough without the gear as well. I'll take a rain check. Catch you later. 251 00:20:26,800 --> 00:20:28,472 - Yeah. - Chill. 252 00:20:30,400 --> 00:20:34,837 We've got four speakers for you tonight, so no messing about. 253 00:20:35,040 --> 00:20:38,999 To begin with, from Sound Investments, Mr Mark Found. 254 00:20:44,440 --> 00:20:46,396 Let me dispel a myth. 255 00:20:46,600 --> 00:20:52,550 If you're a success, some people will tell you you shouldn't be able to sleep at night. 256 00:20:52,760 --> 00:20:57,754 You should. Why? Because this is a business. 257 00:20:59,520 --> 00:21:06,119 Your future hasn't happened yet. You shape it. You're in the driving seat. 258 00:21:06,320 --> 00:21:07,912 Thanks. 259 00:21:13,400 --> 00:21:16,870 Thanks to Richard Clark from Stockport Graphics. 260 00:21:17,080 --> 00:21:22,518 Now advice on motivational techniques. From Wernham-Hogg, Mr David Brent. 261 00:21:39,000 --> 00:21:41,070 Get out. 262 00:21:42,520 --> 00:21:46,115 Go on. I've opened the door for you. 263 00:21:47,760 --> 00:21:51,389 If you're not going to make it, go now. Yeah? 264 00:21:51,600 --> 00:21:55,912 Save us all a bit of time. If you don't think you can cut it. 265 00:21:58,640 --> 00:22:00,790 No? Good. 266 00:22:01,000 --> 00:22:03,833 - You finished in there? - No. 267 00:22:07,320 --> 00:22:09,276 OK. 268 00:22:12,000 --> 00:22:14,992 You're all thinking, "You're a success. 269 00:22:15,200 --> 00:22:19,034 "You've achieved your goals. You're reaping the rewards." 270 00:22:19,240 --> 00:22:23,518 "Oi, Brent! Is all you care about chasing the Yankee dollar?" 271 00:22:23,720 --> 00:22:26,678 Let me show you something I keep with me. 272 00:22:27,800 --> 00:22:34,148 "Collective Meditations." It's a collection of philosophers, writers, thinkers. 273 00:22:34,360 --> 00:22:37,272 Native American wisdom. 274 00:22:37,480 --> 00:22:40,392 And it's really showing you 275 00:22:40,600 --> 00:22:45,833 that the spiritual side needs as much attention as the physical side. 276 00:22:46,040 --> 00:22:50,192 It's about feeding the soul. Evolving spirituality. 277 00:22:50,400 --> 00:22:54,393 Foreword by Duncan Goodhew. So... 278 00:22:55,720 --> 00:22:58,518 Can I read one that I think...? 279 00:22:58,720 --> 00:23:02,190 "If all men were to bring their miseries together in one place, 280 00:23:02,400 --> 00:23:06,518 "most would be glad to take each his own home again 281 00:23:06,720 --> 00:23:10,269 "rather than take a portion out of the common stock." 282 00:23:10,480 --> 00:23:15,759 It's saying the grass isn't always greener on the other side. 283 00:23:15,960 --> 00:23:21,318 Don't see your neighbour and think, "He's got a better car. A more attractive wife." 284 00:23:22,680 --> 00:23:26,639 We all wake up and go, "Oh, I ache. I'm not 18 anymore." 285 00:23:26,840 --> 00:23:32,312 I'm 39... I'm in my 30s. But so what? At least I've got my health. 286 00:23:32,520 --> 00:23:37,275 If you've got one leg, at least you haven't got two legs missing. 287 00:23:37,480 --> 00:23:42,634 If you have lost both legs and both arms, just go, "At least I'm not dead!" 288 00:23:44,000 --> 00:23:47,754 I'd rather be dead in that situation, to be honest. 289 00:23:47,960 --> 00:23:51,635 I'm not saying people like that should be put down. 290 00:23:54,920 --> 00:24:00,199 I'm saying that in my life, I'd rather not live without arms and legs because... 291 00:24:01,080 --> 00:24:04,197 I'm just getting into yoga, for one thing. 292 00:24:08,040 --> 00:24:12,591 Are you familiar with the term, "laughter is the best medicine"? 293 00:24:14,600 --> 00:24:16,352 It's true. 294 00:24:16,560 --> 00:24:22,510 When you laugh, your brain releases endorphins, your stress hormones reduce 295 00:24:22,720 --> 00:24:26,395 and the oxygen supply to your blood is increased. 296 00:24:26,600 --> 00:24:31,355 I try to laugh several times a day because it makes you feel good. 297 00:24:31,560 --> 00:24:34,438 Let's try that. Who-hoo-hoo. 298 00:24:35,280 --> 00:24:36,713 Just... 299 00:24:37,400 --> 00:24:39,755 Trust me, you'll feel... 300 00:24:51,160 --> 00:24:52,752 Yeah? 301 00:25:03,920 --> 00:25:09,552 (DAWN) I'd be lying if I said my life had turned out exactly as I'd expected. 302 00:25:09,760 --> 00:25:15,118 My old school recently had a school reunion, which I didn't go to, 303 00:25:15,320 --> 00:25:18,551 but one girl in my class, it turns out, 304 00:25:18,760 --> 00:25:23,197 is running her own Internet auction website, making a fortune 305 00:25:23,400 --> 00:25:26,119 and is married to a marine biologist. 306 00:25:26,320 --> 00:25:28,470 She used to eat chalk. 307 00:25:29,880 --> 00:25:35,955 That's about it from yours truly. Thanks for taking all I had to throw at you. I'm spent. 308 00:25:36,160 --> 00:25:40,836 I am now going to make like a banana and split! 309 00:25:42,520 --> 00:25:44,670 He got it. OK. 310 00:25:44,880 --> 00:25:50,432 Before I go, though, promise me you'll remember one thing. 311 00:25:50,640 --> 00:25:52,437 Just remember... 312 00:25:52,640 --> 00:25:54,915 (TINA TURNER) # You're the bestl 313 00:25:56,800 --> 00:25:59,917 # You're better than all the rest 314 00:26:01,480 --> 00:26:03,835 # Better than anyone 315 00:26:04,040 --> 00:26:05,871 Listen to her. 316 00:26:06,080 --> 00:26:08,230 # Anyone I've ever met 317 00:26:08,440 --> 00:26:10,510 Come on. Get into it. 318 00:26:10,720 --> 00:26:12,870 # I'm stuck on your heart 319 00:26:14,280 --> 00:26:18,034 I've been David Brent. You've been the best. Goodnight. 320 00:26:19,560 --> 00:26:22,199 # Tear us apart 321 00:26:24,040 --> 00:26:28,192 # Baby, I would rather be dead... # 322 00:26:32,120 --> 00:26:35,874 - (MUSIC OFF) - Er... Our thanks to David... 323 00:26:36,080 --> 00:26:37,832 - Who stopped it? - I did. 324 00:26:38,040 --> 00:26:41,112 No. Leave it going right to the end till I get... 325 00:26:42,680 --> 00:26:45,638 - Don't do that again next time. - Sorry. 326 00:26:46,960 --> 00:26:49,997 David Brent from Wernham-Hogg. 327 00:26:50,200 --> 00:26:52,760 (SPARSE APPLAUSE) 328 00:26:57,120 --> 00:27:02,069 I'll let you into a little secret - I was worried whether I still had it. 329 00:27:03,160 --> 00:27:05,390 I'll let you judge. High five. 330 00:27:05,600 --> 00:27:07,352 Thank you, Dawn. 331 00:27:08,360 --> 00:27:10,749 Oh, jeez! Here he is. 332 00:27:12,280 --> 00:27:14,714 - Tina too much for you? - Possibly. 333 00:27:14,920 --> 00:27:18,117 Hold me back, because when I'm out there I am... 334 00:27:18,320 --> 00:27:21,835 And it's like... So that's up to you, I'm afraid. 335 00:27:23,840 --> 00:27:26,308 They seemed to go for it. 336 00:27:26,520 --> 00:27:28,636 - Knock knock. - You all right? 337 00:27:28,840 --> 00:27:31,513 - Yeah. Well done. - What did you think? 338 00:27:31,720 --> 00:27:34,632 - My tastes are traditional... - Too rock and roll? 339 00:27:34,840 --> 00:27:36,796 - Possibly. - Each his own. 340 00:27:37,000 --> 00:27:41,357 That was me on a seven. Wait till you see me on a nine or ten! 341 00:27:41,560 --> 00:27:44,870 - Here's your cheque. - Thanking you. 342 00:27:45,080 --> 00:27:48,038 More importantly, what pub we going to? 343 00:27:50,760 --> 00:27:55,231 More important than £300? I don't think so! Where we going? 344 00:27:55,440 --> 00:27:59,274 - We'll just grab some food and go home. - Pizza? 345 00:27:59,480 --> 00:28:03,439 Yeah? Never mind Pizza Express, what about beer express? 346 00:28:03,640 --> 00:28:06,074 "Next stop, drunkenness!" 347 00:28:06,280 --> 00:28:10,068 We can go anywhere you want. Chinese? Indian? 348 00:28:10,280 --> 00:28:13,238 As long as it's... It's on me! 349 00:28:14,640 --> 00:28:17,074 The Three Musketeers! 350 00:28:19,520 --> 00:28:21,909 (JUDE) Oh, I can't. (RAY) What? 351 00:28:22,120 --> 00:28:24,680 (JUDE) There's something I've got to do. 352 00:28:24,880 --> 00:28:28,668 (DAVID) Just us two, then. What clubs are round here? 353 00:28:28,880 --> 00:28:32,714 - I'm not going to a club. - You bloody are! 354 00:28:39,640 --> 00:28:43,838 # So what becomes of you, my love 355 00:28:45,680 --> 00:28:50,117 # When they have finally stripped you of 356 00:28:50,320 --> 00:28:52,709 # The handbags and the gladrags 357 00:28:52,920 --> 00:28:57,914 # That your granddad had to sweat so you could buy # 9999 00:00:0,500 --> 00:00:2,00 www.tvsubtitles.net