1
00:00:34,927 --> 00:00:39,921
26 years sitting behind a reception desk. What must that do to a man's brain?

2
00:00:40,087 --> 00:00:42,681
I shouldn't think it does a lot of good.

3
00:00:42,847 --> 00:00:45,236
I suppose it's a bit like a polar bear

4
00:00:45,407 --> 00:00:50,606
that suddenly snaps and ends up lumbering round its cage bellowing at everyone.

5
00:00:50,767 --> 00:00:53,486
Either way, it'll be a merciful release.

6
00:00:53,647 --> 00:00:57,845
God, early retirement at 60. You'd jump at the chance.

7
00:00:58,007 --> 00:01:02,000
- Anyone would.
- How did he take it when you told him?

8
00:01:02,167 --> 00:01:04,556
Oh, great, great. No problem.

9
00:01:06,407 --> 00:01:09,683
- Well...
- You have told him?

10
00:01:15,607 --> 00:01:17,996
Yes. Yes, I will, Mildred.

11
00:01:18,167 --> 00:01:20,362
Right. Bye.

12
00:01:22,287 --> 00:01:27,281
Have I got everything? Watch, fountain pen, cap, wallet... Car keys?

13
00:01:27,487 --> 00:01:31,480
- Mrs Prout's run off with her chiropodist.
- Where did you put my car keys?

14
00:01:31,647 --> 00:01:35,276
- How did they get in there? I never put them there.
- You know. That Derek Gibson.

15
00:01:35,487 --> 00:01:40,083
Derek Gibson is not a chiropodist. He's a foot fetishist. There is a difference.

16
00:01:40,247 --> 00:01:42,715
I've got to take the car into the garage.

17
00:01:42,927 --> 00:01:47,364
Mildred who works in the butcher's sends to you her regards and says she's sorry to hear the terrible news.

18
00:01:47,567 --> 00:01:51,560
- That's very ni... What terrible news?
- She didn't say.

19
00:01:51,727 --> 00:01:56,801
She said it wasn't worth shoving your head in a gas oven. And you should think of it as a brand new chapter in your life.

20
00:01:57,007 --> 00:02:01,000
She must have gone completely loopy. I'm off. I'll see you this evening.

21
00:02:01,167 --> 00:02:03,476
Yes. Bye, Victor.

22
00:02:09,247 --> 00:02:13,445
So, there we are, Victor. As I say, it's never an easy one for us.

23
00:02:13,607 --> 00:02:19,204
Still, think of all that free time you'll have to yourself now. You must be thrilled to bits.

24
00:02:19,367 --> 00:02:22,757
- Thrilled to bits...
- The biggest problem of all was,

25
00:02:22,927 --> 00:02:25,725
how do you ever replace a man like Victor Meldrew?

26
00:02:25,887 --> 00:02:28,765
Well, basically, with this box.

27
00:02:28,967 --> 00:02:33,165
- Box...
- I know. Amazing what they come up with this days.

28
00:02:33,327 --> 00:02:38,117
It does everything you used to do,
except complain about the air conditioning.

29
00:02:38,287 --> 00:02:41,085
Visitors will have a security clearance code.

30
00:02:41,247 --> 00:02:45,843
When they come in,
they just feed the number in here, and...

31
00:02:46,007 --> 00:02:50,000
<i>Good morning. Welcome to Mycroft Watson Associates.</i>

32
00:02:50,167 --> 00:02:56,356
<i>Mr Whinfrey will be free shortly. If you'd like
to take a seat, we'll call you when he's ready.</i>

33
00:02:56,527 --> 00:02:59,121
<i>Thank you for your cooperation.</i>

34
00:02:59,657 --> 00:03:05,911
I'm sorry, we haven't got you a farewell present yet

35
00:03:06,607 --> 00:03:11,806
There were very ugly scenes in the accounts department which were right out of order.

36
00:03:11,967 --> 00:03:16,165
But do feel free to pop in and visit us any time you're passing,

37
00:03:16,327 --> 00:03:21,321
giving a minimum of five working days' notice and quoting this six-digit reference number.

38
00:03:21,487 --> 00:03:24,081
Six-digit reference number...

39
00:03:24,247 --> 00:03:28,240
Lucky old you, Victor. A man of leisure at last.

40
00:04:17,807 --> 00:04:20,605
- It was Bovril flavour today.
- What?

41
00:04:20,807 --> 00:04:23,605
The empty crisp packet on the front lawn.

42
00:04:23,767 --> 00:04:26,281
I was expecting prawn cocktail.

43
00:04:27,047 --> 00:04:29,845
Funny how things work out sometimes.

44
00:04:30,007 --> 00:04:31,998
What a day!

45
00:04:32,167 --> 00:04:36,763
We never stopped. Suddenly everyone's dying at once.

46
00:04:36,927 --> 00:04:40,522
I'm thinking of compiling a special reference guide.

47
00:04:40,687 --> 00:04:44,475
The Observer's Book Of Crap On Your Front Lawn.

48
00:04:46,207 --> 00:04:49,404
Give me something to do in the years ahead.

49
00:04:49,567 --> 00:04:52,161
Wreathes. Floral tributes.

50
00:04:52,327 --> 00:04:55,046
I've never known such a run on lilies.

51
00:04:55,687 --> 00:04:59,885
A cornucopia of corpses, Mrs Treby called it.

52
00:05:00,847 --> 00:05:04,840
You know how she comes out
with these funny expressions.

53
00:05:05,007 --> 00:05:07,521
What is it? What's the matter?

54
00:05:08,247 --> 00:05:10,636
I've been replaced by a box.

55
00:05:12,687 --> 00:05:17,078
- What are you talking about?
- Standard procedure for a man of my age.

56
00:05:17,247 --> 00:05:20,239
The next stage is to stick you inside one.

57
00:05:20,407 --> 00:05:24,559
- They haven't retired you?
- Haven't they? It's all a bad dream, then.

58
00:05:24,767 --> 00:05:27,076
What did they say?

59
00:05:27,847 --> 00:05:30,680
''Bugger off,'' I think was the gist of it.

60
00:05:31,847 --> 00:05:34,315
Oh, Victor.

61
00:05:36,567 --> 00:05:40,560
Why is it this seems to be happening to everyone at the moment?

62
00:05:40,727 --> 00:05:45,039
It was the same with poor old Arthur. Do you remember?

63
00:05:45,247 --> 00:05:49,445
A lifetime of loyal service, and then suddenly that was it.

64
00:05:49,607 --> 00:05:53,520
They said he was past it, and he was only 56.

65
00:05:53,727 --> 00:05:56,116
He was an elephant.

66
00:05:58,687 --> 00:06:03,078
I know he was an elephant. I'm well aware he was an elephant.

67
00:06:03,247 --> 00:06:08,446
He was giving the children elephant rides, so it's obvious he was an elephant.

68
00:06:08,607 --> 00:06:13,886
No, I'm just... I'm just making the point how suddenly you become dispensable.

69
00:06:14,087 --> 00:06:19,878
- Why didn't you ring me at the shop?
- I don't know. I've been in a complete daze.

70
00:06:20,047 --> 00:06:26,441
An hour and a half I spent looking at two photos in the paper of Nicholas Ridley and a dustcart.

71
00:06:26,607 --> 00:06:31,886
I thought it was a spot-the-difference competition. Can't even see straight any more.

72
00:06:34,127 --> 00:06:36,641
I'll make a cup of tea.

73
00:06:38,287 --> 00:06:40,562
26 years.

74
00:06:44,087 --> 00:06:48,080
His hair always looks nice. I wonder what he washes it with.

75
00:06:48,287 --> 00:06:52,280
His vest and his socks. What do you think he washes it with?

76
00:06:52,447 --> 00:06:55,041
What are you saying? It's not real?

77
00:06:55,207 --> 00:06:57,926
Of course it's real. Look at the parting.

78
00:06:58,127 --> 00:07:03,281
That's not a parting. That's the crease where it's folded up in the box. Are you blind?

79
00:07:05,127 --> 00:07:09,120
He seems in a bad mood tonight. Or is it just me?

80
00:07:09,287 --> 00:07:15,123
Well, obviously, it has been a bit of a trial to him, Jean. You know.

81
00:07:15,327 --> 00:07:17,761
It's been a real upset, all told.

82
00:07:18,607 --> 00:07:24,000
But then, he always did get unbearably irritable at the best of times, didn't he?

83
00:07:24,167 --> 00:07:29,639
- He always was a moaner.
- Sorry. Who's this ''he'' we're talking about?

84
00:07:29,807 --> 00:07:32,958
Dr Crippen? Haigh, the Acid Bath Murderer?

85
00:07:34,567 --> 00:07:37,081
So, how big was it, then, Mr Meldrew?

86
00:07:37,247 --> 00:07:39,841
- What?
- This box.

87
00:07:40,647 --> 00:07:44,640
Well, I suppose it was about 12 inches wide by about...

88
00:07:44,807 --> 00:07:47,401
What bloody difference does it make how big?

89
00:07:47,567 --> 00:07:52,163
It was a box filled with wires and microchips, and it's taken my job.

90
00:07:52,327 --> 00:07:56,639
I'm now officially a lower form of life than a Duracell battery.

91
00:07:56,847 --> 00:07:59,725
You've got to keep busy, Mr Meldrew. That's the thing.

92
00:07:59,887 --> 00:08:05,484
Find things to occupy yourself, like Jean here. Now, she's never idle. Are you?

93
00:08:05,647 --> 00:08:08,161
All our coffee mornings and jumble sales.

94
00:08:08,327 --> 00:08:10,887
Lunchtime shows every Thursday.

95
00:08:13,327 --> 00:08:15,921
Now, look, there's something you used to do...

96
00:08:16,087 --> 00:08:18,396
Conjuring tricks.

97
00:08:18,567 --> 00:08:21,365
He used to put on little shows for the children.

98
00:08:21,527 --> 00:08:24,325
He's still got all the junk stored in the loft.

99
00:08:24,487 --> 00:08:28,719
You know, silk handkerchiefs, dummy pigeons. You name it.

100
00:08:28,927 --> 00:08:31,964
- Dummy pigeons?
- Weren't they?

101
00:08:32,167 --> 00:08:34,761
Of course they weren't dummy pigeons.

102
00:08:34,927 --> 00:08:40,320
They were real pigeons. How do you think they flew across the stage onto that perch?

103
00:08:40,487 --> 00:08:42,876
Don't ask me. Some trickery or other.

104
00:08:43,087 --> 00:08:46,159
Not dummy pigeons. You don't know anything about it.

105
00:08:46,367 --> 00:08:50,246
So, come down to the centre. Put on a show for us.

106
00:08:50,447 --> 00:08:53,917
- Yes, very funny (!)
- He's too stubborn, I'm afraid.

107
00:08:54,087 --> 00:08:58,285
- Yes, they can be at that age.
- Can they really, at that age?

108
00:08:58,447 --> 00:09:02,759
- Senile dementia, I believe it's called.
- I believe it is.

109
00:09:02,967 --> 00:09:08,485
Of course, he's right. You couldn't expect him to still manage it, not after all these years.

110
00:09:09,247 --> 00:09:11,841
I can still manage it. Don't worry about that.

111
00:09:12,007 --> 00:09:18,401
I'm just not prepared to prostitute my art in front of six wizened zombies from the local W.I.

112
00:09:19,287 --> 00:09:24,486
I've got plenty to occupy my time. I've been busy all these years. I'm not going to stop now.

113
00:09:24,647 --> 00:09:30,244
Last thing I'm going to be doing is moping about at home all day, feeling sorry for myself.

114
00:09:34,727 --> 00:09:36,922
Nine o'clock.

115
00:09:37,087 --> 00:09:40,079
14 more hours before it's time to go to bed.

116
00:09:42,207 --> 00:09:44,675
Oh, God...

117
00:10:16,727 --> 00:10:19,116
A bloody Wickes catalogue.

118
00:10:22,967 --> 00:10:28,280
Mm, goody! A comprehensive list of larch lap fence panels.

119
00:10:28,447 --> 00:10:31,245
How could I have lived without one (?)

120
00:10:31,407 --> 00:10:34,205
Why is it, when life's at its lowest ebb,

121
00:10:34,367 --> 00:10:38,360
when you really need some good news to cheer you up,

122
00:10:38,527 --> 00:10:43,123
the only thing that comes through your letter box is a bloody Wickes catalogue?!

123
00:10:43,287 --> 00:10:47,280
God! Perhaps I'll grow a beard. Give me something to do.

124
00:10:47,447 --> 00:10:52,043
Must be more to it than this. What do other people do?

125
00:10:52,207 --> 00:10:55,404
What are you doing? Going to the toilet again.

126
00:10:56,607 --> 00:11:01,601
I don't see any reason you're going upstairs to the toilet. You only went 15 minutes ago.

127
00:11:01,767 --> 00:11:06,283
The only reason you're going again now is to relieve the monotony.

128
00:11:07,967 --> 00:11:10,356
Pull yourself together, man.

129
00:11:10,527 --> 00:11:13,121
You're becoming a lavatory junkie.

130
00:11:13,807 --> 00:11:18,005
If you go on like this, I'll have to wire your flies together.

131
00:11:18,167 --> 00:11:22,957
Weld your zip up with a soldering iron. Do something constructive!

132
00:11:25,167 --> 00:11:29,957
They must be in by now. Give them a call. What have you got to lose?

133
00:11:36,647 --> 00:11:39,445
Hello. Stapleton Security Systems?

134
00:11:39,607 --> 00:11:43,998
Yes, look, I notice you're advertising for staff in this week's...

135
00:11:45,167 --> 00:11:47,556
Meldrew. Oh, is he?

136
00:11:47,727 --> 00:11:51,322
Yes, he can. I'm on 770 301.

137
00:11:51,487 --> 00:11:57,278
And... No, that is the home number. I'll be here all day. No, I'm not going out. I'll be here.

138
00:11:57,447 --> 00:12:01,838
Because I'm here all day, that's why. Yes, in the house all day.

139
00:12:02,007 --> 00:12:04,726
Never mind ''Sod that for a life.''

140
00:12:04,887 --> 00:12:07,355
Just ask him to ring me. What?

141
00:12:07,527 --> 00:12:10,519
Oh, is he? Oh, yes. Hello? Yes.

142
00:12:10,687 --> 00:12:15,397
Well, I was with Watson Mycroft at head office for 26 years, so...

143
00:12:15,567 --> 00:12:18,035
Oh, yes, that's absolutely suitable.

144
00:12:18,207 --> 00:12:22,200
Could you hold on? Someone at the door.

145
00:12:24,567 --> 00:12:29,880
Good morning. My name is Nick. I'm calling on behalf of the outward bound scheme for the elderly.

146
00:12:30,047 --> 00:12:32,925
I'm looking for a Mr Victor Meldrew.

147
00:12:33,127 --> 00:12:35,357
- Yes.
- Oh, that's you?

148
00:12:35,527 --> 00:12:38,325
I was told you were in the granny annex.

149
00:12:38,567 --> 00:12:43,846
Granny ann... Look, I'm on the phone. Can you hang on for just one second, please?

150
00:12:45,647 --> 00:12:51,165
Hello, are you still there? Yes, right. Come in for a little chat. Why not?

151
00:12:51,367 --> 00:12:56,361
Why not, indeed? Then we can get to know each other, have a friendly little natter.

152
00:12:56,527 --> 00:12:59,405
You can't do that standing on the doorstep.

153
00:12:59,607 --> 00:13:04,203
10 o'clock? 10.15. Right, fine. I'll be there. Thank you very much. Goodbye.

154
00:13:04,407 --> 00:13:08,923
- Look, what are you...?
- Friendly natter over a cup of tea. It's also much more personal, isn't it?

155
00:13:09,087 --> 00:13:13,683
- Cup of tea?
- I won't, if you din't mind on this occasion, but it's always nice to be asked.

156
00:13:13,847 --> 00:13:17,840
Now, let me tell you a little bit about the outward bound scheme.

157
00:13:18,007 --> 00:13:22,797
Basically we provide little rides, out and about, here, there and everywhere really.

158
00:13:22,967 --> 00:13:28,246
- I do not want to go to Eastbourne.
- Plus a special minibus to Eastbourne.

159
00:13:28,447 --> 00:13:34,602
Once a mounth with a trained nurse on board should anyone suddenly collapse or suffer a wheezing fit of some kind.

160
00:13:35,687 --> 00:13:40,886
- Look, who sent you round here?
- I think a Mrs Capshaw from "Help the aged" put us onto you.

161
00:13:41,047 --> 00:13:45,837
- But I'm not quite certain.
- Well, you can just bloody well piss off!

162
00:13:46,007 --> 00:13:50,603
Go and see Mrs Althorp at 25. I believe she's ready to nail the lid down.

163
00:13:50,767 --> 00:13:54,760
I hear what you're saying. A desire for independence is perfectly natural.

164
00:13:54,927 --> 00:13:59,717
You mustn't feel that you're being a burden at all, a millstone round the neck of society.

165
00:13:59,887 --> 00:14:02,481
I tell you what. I'll give you my phone number.

166
00:14:02,647 --> 00:14:06,640
Look, if I need a car to pick me up, I'll ring for a hearse.

167
00:14:06,807 --> 00:14:11,801
Lovely to meet you, Mr Meldrew. Sorry about the cup of tea. Maybe next time. Bye-bye.

168
00:14:11,967 --> 00:14:13,764
Good morning.

169
00:14:18,127 --> 00:14:22,723
Yes. Y-Yes. Well, you are entitled to that opinion, Mr Glacken.

170
00:14:22,887 --> 00:14:25,481
But with... Yes. But with gr...

171
00:14:25,647 --> 00:14:31,040
But with gr... But with gr... But with great respect, we sawed the end off in good faith.

172
00:14:31,207 --> 00:14:34,005
So I don't think we can be... Yes.

173
00:14:34,167 --> 00:14:38,445
Well, if that makes you feel better, by all means, sir. Goodbye to you.

174
00:14:41,887 --> 00:14:46,642
- Good afternoon. You're...?
- Victor Meldrew, the crimson Avenger.

175
00:14:48,287 --> 00:14:51,677
- Yes. I-I-I'm not...
- It's still on the ramp.

176
00:14:51,847 --> 00:14:55,442
- Sorry?
- You promised me it'd be ready by 3.30.

177
00:14:55,607 --> 00:15:01,000
I've just spent two hours getting here in what the Spanish Inquisition called an iron maiden,

178
00:15:01,167 --> 00:15:03,965
but we now call public transport.

179
00:15:04,887 --> 00:15:10,484
It is five o'clock, and I can't help but notice that my car is still stuck up on a ramp

180
00:15:10,647 --> 00:15:14,640
with pimply youths in boiler suits and earrings underneath it

181
00:15:14,807 --> 00:15:17,640
fiddling mindlessly with monkey wrenches!

182
00:15:17,847 --> 00:15:21,840
- I'm sure they're working as fast as they can.
- They are not.

183
00:15:22,007 --> 00:15:27,400
Two of them are staging a mock fencing duel with car aerials. What the hell's going on?!

184
00:15:27,567 --> 00:15:30,286
Just one second, Mr Meldrew.

185
00:15:51,847 --> 00:15:54,645
There does appear to be a slight hitch, sir.

186
00:15:54,807 --> 00:15:57,765
Can you tell me the problem with the car?

187
00:15:57,967 --> 00:16:00,959
You mean you don't know what's wrong with it?

188
00:16:01,127 --> 00:16:03,925
Well, we know what's wrong with it now.

189
00:16:04,087 --> 00:16:08,478
I was just wondering what was wrong with it when you brought it in.

190
00:16:08,647 --> 00:16:11,241
Well, it kept sticking in first gear.

191
00:16:11,407 --> 00:16:15,400
Half the time I couldn't get it to go any faster than ten miles...

192
00:16:15,567 --> 00:16:18,559
What do you mean, what's wrong with it now?! What have you done to my car?

193
00:16:18,767 --> 00:16:21,565
I apologise. It's difficult to find the parts.

194
00:16:21,767 --> 00:16:24,361
It is if you drop them on the bloody floor.

195
00:16:24,527 --> 00:16:28,520
It's like the Massacre of Glencoe with spark plugs out there.

196
00:16:28,687 --> 00:16:32,077
It won't be ready for you until midday tomorrow.

197
00:16:32,287 --> 00:16:37,805
Midday?! I've got a job interview on the other side of town tomorrow! How will I get there?

198
00:16:39,927 --> 00:16:42,725
There we are. We're just passing the park.

199
00:16:42,927 --> 00:16:47,717
Oh, look. Aren't the geraniums nice? Shall we stop and have a look at them?

200
00:16:47,887 --> 00:16:51,277
I think we all know what a geranium looks like.

201
00:16:51,447 --> 00:16:54,439
Can't this thing go any faster? It's quarter to already.

202
00:16:54,647 --> 00:17:00,995
Oh, look at that lady's hat. That's a nice one. I wonder where she got that. Very smart on her.

203
00:17:01,207 --> 00:17:06,804
My goodness, look at the lovely colour of the traffic lights. Such a nice shade of green.

204
00:17:07,767 --> 00:17:12,477
I'm sure if we sit here long enough they'll go back to that lovely red again.

205
00:17:19,607 --> 00:17:24,601
- What's the matter? Why have we stopped?

206
00:17:24,767 --> 00:17:27,486
Been stalling like this all week, damn thing.

207
00:17:27,647 --> 00:17:31,322
If I could just get it on a roll
down that slope there, we'd be in business.

208
00:17:49,527 --> 00:17:51,836
That's the ticket, everyone.

209
00:17:52,007 --> 00:17:54,316
Just a bit further.

210
00:18:08,727 --> 00:18:11,446
I'll have this working in just a jiffy here.

211
00:18:12,887 --> 00:18:15,765
I-I don't think I feel very well, Mr Meldrew.

212
00:18:15,967 --> 00:18:21,678
Bound to be a bit stiff. It's been in the attic
for 12 years. All it needs is a good clout.

213
00:18:21,887 --> 00:18:24,560
Mr Meldrew, I don't feel very safe with it.

214
00:18:24,767 --> 00:18:27,156
Maybe the blade's gone a bit rusty...

215
00:18:27,327 --> 00:18:29,522
Bugger that!

216
00:18:30,607 --> 00:18:32,916
Certainly sharp enough still.

217
00:18:33,127 --> 00:18:37,723
- Mr Meldrew, what if it doesn't work?
- It'll work. Have a little faith.

218
00:18:39,487 --> 00:18:42,285
I want to get out. I feel extremely dizzy.

219
00:18:42,447 --> 00:18:45,439
Don't rock the frame. It won't do it any good.

220
00:18:48,727 --> 00:18:51,924
Perfect! Perfect working order.

221
00:18:52,087 --> 00:18:54,885
That's splendid. I'm very pleased with that.

222
00:18:55,087 --> 00:18:58,124
Oh... Oh... I think I'm going to be sick.

223
00:18:59,367 --> 00:19:01,961
Not on that rug. I've just cleaned it.

224
00:19:03,607 --> 00:19:06,201
Not as bad as I thought it was going to be.

225
00:19:06,367 --> 00:19:10,360
How long do you want me to do? A half-hour? I could stretch it to 45.

226
00:19:10,527 --> 00:19:12,995
I-I'll give you a ring tomorrow.

227
00:19:14,047 --> 00:19:16,925
Jean! What's the matter? What's wrong with your neck?

228
00:19:17,087 --> 00:19:20,079
Don't touch it, please. My head may fall off.

229
00:19:24,967 --> 00:19:27,561
Have you been guillotining that woman?

230
00:19:27,727 --> 00:19:30,685
I told you to try it on a cushion first.

231
00:19:30,887 --> 00:19:34,675
Where's the pleasure in that? Anyway, it was fine.

232
00:19:34,847 --> 00:19:37,077
I thought it might have gone rusty.

233
00:19:39,007 --> 00:19:43,046
Escapology. Do you think I've still got the knack?

234
00:19:43,247 --> 00:19:45,442
Margaret?

235
00:19:50,847 --> 00:19:54,237
- How did the interview go?
- Don't ask.

236
00:19:54,447 --> 00:19:57,439
- I just asked.
- Well, don't.

237
00:19:57,607 --> 00:20:00,201
I got there two hours late in a bad temper

238
00:20:00,367 --> 00:20:05,157
and was immediately insulted by some gink in a peaked cap at the front desk.

239
00:20:05,327 --> 00:20:07,716
You know what they're like.

240
00:20:09,847 --> 00:20:14,637
- What did he say?
- He said, ''You'll have come to do the drains.''

241
00:20:15,487 --> 00:20:18,081
Then I got through to the personnel officer

242
00:20:18,247 --> 00:20:23,719
and he managed to make three unpleasant remarks about my hat before I even sat down.

243
00:20:23,887 --> 00:20:26,685
So I told him where to stick his job and left.

244
00:20:27,487 --> 00:20:30,206
Mr Lankersham came into the shop today.

245
00:20:30,367 --> 00:20:34,963
From your old office. With a big leaving card for you.

246
00:20:35,127 --> 00:20:37,687
He said they were going to post it,

247
00:20:37,847 --> 00:20:40,441
but it would just be a waste of a stamp.

248
00:20:40,647 --> 00:20:45,437
That's all he brought, I take it. Not a gold watch or a set of priceless wine glasses.

249
00:20:45,607 --> 00:20:50,203
You never know. There's still time.
They could be planning a big surprise.

250
00:20:50,367 --> 00:20:53,120
Yes. Look, there go a flock of flying pigs (!)

251
00:20:59,647 --> 00:21:02,957
I've got lamb chops for tea. Is that all right?

252
00:21:03,127 --> 00:21:04,719
Fine.

253
00:21:11,847 --> 00:21:16,841
Are you going to give me a hand with these potatoes, or do I have to do everything myself?

254
00:21:17,007 --> 00:21:19,202
Just coming.

255
00:21:22,607 --> 00:21:25,804
- Any luck?
- Yes, at long last.

256
00:21:25,967 --> 00:21:30,757
They had to put in a new clutch, a complete new gearbox and four new tyres.

257
00:21:30,927 --> 00:21:35,205
Don't know why they didn't stick a new car onto the wing mirror.

258
00:21:35,367 --> 00:21:39,121
- Where are you going?
- Taking Mrs Birkett for a meal.

259
00:21:39,327 --> 00:21:43,605
- I thought she was dead.
- They found out that was a mistake.

260
00:21:43,767 --> 00:21:46,235
She's still got a gyppy spleen.

261
00:21:46,407 --> 00:21:50,082
- Are you going to fix this shelf?
- Yes, it's all in hand, don't worry.

262
00:21:50,247 --> 00:21:53,125
Make sure it's level this time. See you when I see you.

263
00:21:53,287 --> 00:21:55,005
Bye.

264
00:21:55,887 --> 00:21:58,196
Daylight robbery.

265
00:21:58,367 --> 00:22:01,677
<i>Well, can we squeeze in one more question?</i>

266
00:22:01,847 --> 00:22:07,843
I'd like to ask the Chancellor how he would feel
about having a large hole bored in his head.

267
00:22:13,207 --> 00:22:16,005
That's better. How was it for you, Chancellor?

268
00:22:20,687 --> 00:22:24,282
- Yes?
<i>- Mr Meldrew? It's Mrs Warboys.</i>

269
00:22:24,447 --> 00:22:29,441
<i>I'm down at the community centre. I'm going through some bits and pieces with Mr Matthews.</i>

270
00:22:29,607 --> 00:22:32,997
<i>- He's doing the lighting for the show tomorrow.
- Yes.</i>

271
00:22:33,167 --> 00:22:37,160
<i>I know it's late, but we were wondering if you could get down here.</i>

272
00:22:37,327 --> 00:22:41,115
<i>Run through your act, just to give us some sort of idea.</i>

273
00:22:41,287 --> 00:22:43,676
Couldn't it wait till tomorrow?

274
00:22:43,847 --> 00:22:49,240
<i>Well, Mr Matthews can't get here till one, now the abattoir's gone off flexitime.</i>

275
00:22:49,407 --> 00:22:54,003
<i>If you can pop down about eight
it will be worth your while, I promise you.</i>

276
00:22:54,167 --> 00:22:57,955
I'm just in the mid... Will it be worth my while?

277
00:22:58,127 --> 00:23:00,595
<i>Oh, yes, Mr Meldrew. Definitely.</i>

278
00:23:01,687 --> 00:23:06,442
Right. OK. I'll be there at eight. Fine. See you then. Goodbye.

279
00:23:06,647 --> 00:23:08,126
<i>Bye.</i>

280
00:23:09,007 --> 00:23:14,001
<i>(MARGARET) You never know. There's still time. They could be planning a big surprise.</i>

281
00:23:14,167 --> 00:23:19,958
Yes. Going out for dinner with Mrs Birkett. Not in that dress, she wouldn't.

282
00:23:20,127 --> 00:23:23,164
No, no. It's all making absolute sense now.

283
00:23:23,367 --> 00:23:25,756
Right. Eight o'clock.

284
00:23:36,927 --> 00:23:42,320
Just a second, Mr Meldrew. Hang on there. The lights have just all fused on us.

285
00:23:42,487 --> 00:23:45,285
Oh, dearie me. Have they really? Yes.

286
00:23:45,447 --> 00:23:48,245
This way. Ah, here we are.

287
00:23:48,407 --> 00:23:52,400
I'm sure Mr Matthews will have them all on in a sec.

288
00:23:58,007 --> 00:23:59,804
Sorry?

289
00:24:00,007 --> 00:24:03,556
- What?
- You're done up like a dog's dinner.

290
00:24:03,767 --> 00:24:06,725
You off somewhere nice afterwards?

291
00:24:06,927 --> 00:24:08,918
What?

292
00:24:09,087 --> 00:24:11,476
Oh... Yes. Erm...

293
00:24:11,687 --> 00:24:14,485
- It's just I thought...
- Yes?

294
00:24:16,207 --> 00:24:18,004
Nothing.

295
00:24:18,167 --> 00:24:22,558
So, have you got all your paraphernalia with you, then?

296
00:24:26,487 --> 00:24:28,079
Yes.

297
00:24:29,087 --> 00:24:31,476
I'll get it out of the boot.

298
00:24:36,007 --> 00:24:40,478
Thank you very much, then, Mr Meldrew. It was all very useful.

299
00:24:40,647 --> 00:24:43,036
See you tomorrow at one.

300
00:24:43,207 --> 00:24:46,005
- Yes, thank you. Bye-bye.
- Bye.

301
00:25:03,127 --> 00:25:07,598
You're supposed to have fixed this, for God's sake!

302
00:25:24,207 --> 00:25:26,801
Having trouble, Mr Meldrew?

303
00:25:29,007 --> 00:25:32,795
- Can I give you a lift anywhere?
- Bugger off!

304
00:25:40,647 --> 00:25:43,036
Fix it? I'll fix them.

305
00:25:55,127 --> 00:26:00,121
Here comes another one, look. It makes you wonder what their marriages must be like.

306
00:26:00,327 --> 00:26:07,278
Hey, he's an old codger, by the look of him. He's stopping next to Sharon.

307
00:26:07,447 --> 00:26:09,836
Excuse me, miss.

308
00:26:10,007 --> 00:26:13,602
Bingo! Here we go. You've copped it, sunshine.

309
00:26:20,967 --> 00:26:24,960
The court then heard evidence from WPC Sharon Banks,

310
00:26:25,127 --> 00:26:30,918
who had been posing as a call girl as part of a police operation to trap kerb-crawlers.

311
00:26:31,127 --> 00:26:37,521
''I first observed the accused driving round the area slowly with a shifty look on his face,''

312
00:26:37,687 --> 00:26:39,484
she said.

313
00:26:39,647 --> 00:26:45,040
''He pulled up and called out, 'Excuse me, miss, but can you spare me some time?'

314
00:26:45,207 --> 00:26:51,203
''When I asked what he meant, he replied, 'I may need a hand pumping this thing up.'

315
00:26:53,367 --> 00:26:57,963
''A problem, I gather, commonly associated with elderly men.''

316
00:27:00,047 --> 00:27:06,441
A search of Meldrew's car revealed a collection of chains, padlocks and handcuffs.

317
00:27:07,927 --> 00:27:11,317
When quizzed about these by the prosecution,

318
00:27:11,487 --> 00:27:15,878
he claimed to have been out that night rehearsing an escapology act,

319
00:27:16,047 --> 00:27:18,845
to much laughter and merriment from the jury.

320
00:27:19,007 --> 00:27:23,000
Though cleared of all the charges before him, Meldrew was...

321
00:27:23,167 --> 00:27:26,159
fined L500 for contempt of court

322
00:27:26,327 --> 00:27:31,355
after taking the Bible in his right hand and hurling it at the head of the presiding magistrate.

323
00:27:37,127 --> 00:27:39,925
Not been a very good week, has it?

324
00:27:40,087 --> 00:27:44,285
Perhaps an electric fire in the bath might be the answer.

325
00:27:44,447 --> 00:27:47,041
Time will sort it out.

326
00:27:47,207 --> 00:27:51,405
You can't expect things to run smoothly straightaway.

327
00:27:51,567 --> 00:27:52,886
No.

328
00:27:53,087 --> 00:27:56,284
You're like a car stuck in the wrong gear.

329
00:27:57,047 --> 00:28:01,677
You've got to change down, slow down, adapt to a new routine.

330
00:28:01,847 --> 00:28:05,317
You've got a whole new life ahead of you, Victor.

331
00:28:05,487 --> 00:28:08,285
I mean, you've hardly started.

332
00:28:09,407 --> 00:28:12,001
You've got it all still to come.

333
00:28:13,007 --> 00:28:14,486
Yes.

334
00:28:14,647 --> 00:28:17,036
That's what scares me.