1
00:00:39,014 --> 00:00:42,006
That's the last time I go out photographing badgers.
2
00:00:49,654 --> 00:00:53,203
Sit down there and be quiet and I'll make some cocoa.
3
00:00:53,374 --> 00:00:58,368
I spend half my life up at that hospital. They could give me a season ticket to intensive care!
4
00:00:58,534 --> 00:01:02,243
I didn't like the attitude that girl at the desk on the way out.
5
00:01:02,454 --> 00:01:04,604
All milk or half and half?
6
00:01:04,814 --> 00:01:07,806
Asking me when the next kamikaze mission was due!
7
00:01:07,974 --> 00:01:11,364
She nearly got that bottle of nail polish right up her nose!
8
00:01:11,534 --> 00:01:14,048
We've had enough violence for one evening, Victor.
9
00:01:14,214 --> 00:01:17,286
And stop poking about at it! You'll make it worse.
10
00:01:19,654 --> 00:01:22,248
- I can still smell it.
- Smell what?
11
00:01:22,454 --> 00:01:25,366
I don't know, but it's worse by the sideboard.
12
00:01:28,214 --> 00:01:30,011
770 301.
13
00:01:30,174 --> 00:01:35,373
Hello, Mum. I thought I told you to go to bed and stop worrying... No, he's fine, he's fine.
14
00:01:35,574 --> 00:01:38,088
I'm not fine! Why are you telling her I'm fine?
15
00:01:39,174 --> 00:01:43,452
Well, he'd gone out for the evening was what happened.
16
00:01:43,614 --> 00:01:47,129
Up to Bluebell Wood with that new camera he bought.
17
00:01:47,654 --> 00:01:52,091
I told you he bought himself a new camera. Wednesday. I told you.
18
00:01:52,254 --> 00:01:57,647
After he read that article about retired people taking up hobbies to relieve anxiety and stress.
19
00:01:57,814 --> 00:01:59,133
Yes.
20
00:02:00,214 --> 00:02:04,730
He bought himself a camera, went up Bluebell Wood to take a picture of the sunset
21
00:02:04,894 --> 00:02:07,362
and got mugged by soccer hooligans.
22
00:02:07,534 --> 00:02:08,853
Yes.
23
00:02:09,454 --> 00:02:12,924
Dixon's, I think. It was Dixon's you got it, wasn't it?
24
00:02:13,094 --> 00:02:15,608
Tell her I was sexually molested!
25
00:02:16,294 --> 00:02:21,209
He says to tell you he was sexually molested. I think he was joking, Mum.
26
00:02:22,614 --> 00:02:26,892
Well, he's got a few stitches, but it's not serious, fortunately.
27
00:02:27,574 --> 00:02:32,853
Not unless he develops a fatal brain haemorrhage within the next 48 hours, apparently.
28
00:02:33,774 --> 00:02:37,483
No. They didn't take anything. That's what's so aggravating.
29
00:02:37,694 --> 00:02:41,164
Just his watch and his wallet and his camera,
30
00:02:41,334 --> 00:02:46,454
his credit cards, his chequebook, his pen, his penknife.
31
00:02:46,614 --> 00:02:49,253
Oh, and his brown tweed jacket.
32
00:02:49,418 --> 00:02:53,347
That's just what I said. But they still took it.
33
00:02:54,570 --> 00:02:58,406
Perhaps they wanted to do a laying in a dog basket or something.
34
00:02:59,094 --> 00:03:03,929
No. No, they've given him an injection to make him sleep, but so far...
35
00:03:04,094 --> 00:03:07,370
No, not to put him to sleep, Mum. That's euthanasia.
36
00:03:08,014 --> 00:03:10,687
Yes, I will. Yes, tomorrow. OK, night-night.
37
00:03:12,574 --> 00:03:14,849
There's a skin on yours.
38
00:03:16,414 --> 00:03:19,611
You're not gonna start watching that at this time of night?
39
00:03:19,814 --> 00:03:22,328
I want to watch ''Prisoner: Cell Block H''.
40
00:03:22,494 --> 00:03:25,292
So much for that sedative they gave you, then!
41
00:03:25,494 --> 00:03:28,725
Sedatives don't work on me. They're a waste of time.
42
00:03:28,934 --> 00:03:33,291
All the same, I reckon you could try and have an early night for once.
43
00:03:33,454 --> 00:03:35,968
Just to give yourself the chance to...
44
00:03:41,303 --> 00:03:43,206
45
00:03:48,094 --> 00:03:50,608
He'll soon be through those underpants again.
46
00:03:50,774 --> 00:03:53,846
I know, Jean. It's a mystery to me how he does it.
47
00:03:54,014 --> 00:03:57,529
Look! Look at that! He'd wear out a suit of armour.
48
00:03:57,734 --> 00:04:00,931
They don't seem to last five minutes on him, do they?
49
00:04:01,094 --> 00:04:04,769
Here! You may as well use them to wipe your hands on!
50
00:04:07,254 --> 00:04:12,374
Yes, thank you, ladies. I wonder if I could bring in the lady up the road walking her dog.
51
00:04:12,574 --> 00:04:16,362
Excuse me, madam! We're asking everyone in the world what they think
52
00:04:16,534 --> 00:04:21,528
of Victor Meldrew's disturbing tendency to wear out a pair of Y-fronts in ten seconds flat!
53
00:04:21,694 --> 00:04:26,131
Yes, the Bishop of Durham. What's your point of view on this one, sir?
54
00:04:26,334 --> 00:04:29,326
I don't think he slept very well last night.
55
00:04:31,054 --> 00:04:35,525
I told you not to leave that side gate open. What is it with kids these days?
56
00:04:35,694 --> 00:04:39,209
If they're not cracking your skull open for pleasure and profit,
57
00:04:39,374 --> 00:04:44,164
they're vandalising your back wall and shoving bottles of urine through your letter box!
58
00:04:44,334 --> 00:04:47,770
- Shoving what?
- You saw that on the doormat this morning.
59
00:04:47,974 --> 00:04:50,442
That was a free sample of Lucozade.
60
00:04:53,814 --> 00:04:57,807
For God's sake, Margaret, I wish you would close doors behind you!
61
00:04:59,534 --> 00:05:02,207
You're right. I can definitely smell it.
62
00:05:02,374 --> 00:05:07,084
- What do you think it is?
- I don't know, but it's worse by the sideboard.
63
00:05:07,294 --> 00:05:11,367
Well, don't stand by the bloody sideboard! Go home!
64
00:05:12,134 --> 00:05:17,254
He can't smell a thing, Jean. Not since that accident up his left nostril last summer.
65
00:05:17,414 --> 00:05:20,247
Well, that was asking for trouble, wasn't it?
66
00:05:20,454 --> 00:05:25,653
You should never try and sniff a live wasp, Mr Meldrew. It's a well-known fact.
67
00:05:25,814 --> 00:05:30,683
I was not sniffing a live wasp. What do you think I am? Some sort of village idiot?
68
00:05:30,894 --> 00:05:34,489
I was smelling a rhododendron. I didn't see the wasp until...
69
00:05:34,654 --> 00:05:39,011
Oh, God! That central heating again!
70
00:05:39,174 --> 00:05:42,644
- It isn't even switched on!
- Mind your stitches!
71
00:05:42,814 --> 00:05:46,363
I'll ring the plumber. It's probably just an airlock.
72
00:05:47,814 --> 00:05:52,524
And not that one with the glass eye. That lavatory's still a death trap to this day!
73
00:05:53,214 --> 00:05:57,127
Look, are you going down to the police station this morning or not?
74
00:05:57,334 --> 00:06:01,850
God knows why! I know what they'll say to me. ''We'll get someone to look into it.''
75
00:06:02,014 --> 00:06:05,211
''A masked gunman has shot me 16 times up the bottom!''
76
00:06:05,374 --> 00:06:07,842
''Right, sir, we'll get someone to look into it.''
77
00:06:08,014 --> 00:06:11,484
''Stalin's death camps? PC Purbright's down there now, sir!''
78
00:06:12,694 --> 00:06:15,413
What are you doing here? Come on, out! Shoo!
79
00:06:17,654 --> 00:06:20,407
Have you tried him on a B5 supplement at all?
80
00:06:25,454 --> 00:06:29,242
They might catch the people who attacked you. You never can tell.
81
00:06:29,414 --> 00:06:33,771
Yes, and they'll probably be given the Queen's award for industry.
82
00:06:34,294 --> 00:06:39,448
They care much more about the criminals than the general public. Where are their priorities?
83
00:06:39,614 --> 00:06:42,731
Mrs Althorp's scared to go out to her dustbin after six.
84
00:06:42,894 --> 00:06:48,287
A boy of 15 broke into a mortuary in Clacton and cut someone's head off for a laugh.
85
00:06:50,494 --> 00:06:54,009
- I read that this morning.
- What is it with these people?
86
00:06:54,174 --> 00:06:56,688
He only got a L100 fine for criminal damage.
87
00:06:56,854 --> 00:06:59,971
We never hacked people's heads off at their age.
88
00:07:00,174 --> 00:07:02,290
You voted SDP.
89
00:07:04,414 --> 00:07:06,882
What's that got to do with it?
90
00:07:07,054 --> 00:07:10,046
That's how she got in, isn't it? People like you.
91
00:07:11,534 --> 00:07:15,527
Maybe we should start a neighbourhood watch for our own protection.
92
00:07:15,694 --> 00:07:18,162
Maybe I should call a meeting of the residents.
93
00:07:18,334 --> 00:07:20,689
Shut up!
94
00:07:26,774 --> 00:07:29,447
You can bring me in one of those fizzy oranges.
95
00:07:46,014 --> 00:07:47,606
Margaret...
96
00:07:48,334 --> 00:07:50,325
What's the matter?
97
00:07:50,494 --> 00:07:53,088
Did you put a cat in our freezer?
98
00:07:54,094 --> 00:07:55,573
What?
99
00:07:55,734 --> 00:07:59,409
The bottom of the freezer cabinet.
There's a cat in it.
100
00:07:59,574 --> 00:08:02,042
What, a dead one?
101
00:08:02,214 --> 00:08:05,206
Well, it's not playing with a bloody ball of wool!
102
00:08:05,734 --> 00:08:08,009
It's frozen solid, woman!
103
00:08:08,934 --> 00:08:11,050
Oh, my God!
104
00:08:15,974 --> 00:08:18,647
Oh, my God!
105
00:08:18,814 --> 00:08:21,806
I warned you not to go about leaving doors open.
106
00:08:21,974 --> 00:08:24,966
You might know that something like this would happen.
107
00:08:25,134 --> 00:08:27,489
I've come over all cold.
108
00:08:27,654 --> 00:08:31,488
YOU'VE come over all cold? God Almighty!
109
00:08:31,694 --> 00:08:36,210
- You're not going to take it out!
- I'm not going to leave it in there, am I?
110
00:08:36,374 --> 00:08:39,764
So its eyes light up every time you open the door.
111
00:08:42,774 --> 00:08:44,924
I think I feel sick.
112
00:08:50,974 --> 00:08:53,363
Are you sure it's dead?
113
00:08:54,534 --> 00:08:57,924
Well, I should think it's a pretty safe bet, wouldn't you?
114
00:08:59,214 --> 00:09:01,728
It's a bit parky in there at the best of times.
115
00:09:02,814 --> 00:09:07,808
How was it supposed to have kept warm? Rub two fish fingers together to start a fire?
116
00:09:09,534 --> 00:09:12,128
How long do you think it had been in there?
117
00:09:12,334 --> 00:09:15,053
I don't know. I'll look for its sell-by date (!)
118
00:09:17,294 --> 00:09:20,286
I mean, that's all I need, the end to a perfect day!
119
00:09:21,334 --> 00:09:26,408
Just as well we don't have a chest freezer or I might be standing here with a frozen mammoth!
120
00:09:28,694 --> 00:09:34,087
It's that stray. It's been sniffing round here for two or three days.
121
00:09:34,294 --> 00:09:38,287
I think it's pretty safe to say it won't be sniffing any more.
122
00:09:44,574 --> 00:09:47,213
I've gone right off those Lean Cuisines.
123
00:09:52,174 --> 00:09:53,766
Tissues...
124
00:09:53,934 --> 00:09:56,573
Tissues, tissues, tissues...
125
00:10:00,374 --> 00:10:02,604
Tissues...
126
00:10:04,734 --> 00:10:09,091
- Good morning, Mrs Meldrew.
- Mrs Birkett, I'm just off out, actually.
127
00:10:09,294 --> 00:10:11,967
Mrs Warboys said you might have some jumble for us.
128
00:10:12,174 --> 00:10:16,053
- I forgot every word about it.
- I can come back this afternoon.
129
00:10:16,214 --> 00:10:20,207
No, listen, I've got most of it sorted out in the loft already.
130
00:10:20,374 --> 00:10:23,889
Just help yourself. You know how the stepladder comes down.
131
00:10:24,054 --> 00:10:26,522
Victor will be back any second, he's just gone out for his prescriptions.
132
00:10:26,734 --> 00:10:30,568
- If you're sure you can trust me.
- Don't be daft!
133
00:10:30,734 --> 00:10:33,202
Well, these days, Mrs Meldrew...
134
00:10:33,374 --> 00:10:38,812
We've had some money gone missing from the Institute. Someone fiddling the fund.
135
00:10:39,014 --> 00:10:42,006
- It comes to same thing, doesn't it?
- I know.
136
00:10:42,174 --> 00:10:45,166
- We've had to freeze the kitty and everything.
- What?
137
00:10:47,334 --> 00:10:49,802
I said, ''We've had to freeze the kitty.''
138
00:10:50,534 --> 00:10:53,048
I'll just leave you to it. I'll see you later.
139
00:10:53,254 --> 00:10:55,051
Bye-bye.
140
00:11:08,174 --> 00:11:12,087
She's right. It is worse when you stand by the sideboard.
141
00:11:25,294 --> 00:11:30,573
''Warning. May cause skin to turn dark red and flake off.
142
00:11:31,294 --> 00:11:33,603
''May bleach dyed fabrics.
143
00:11:34,214 --> 00:11:37,206
''Avoid contact with mucous membranes.
144
00:11:37,814 --> 00:11:41,204
''Apply to back of neck with extreme caution.
145
00:11:46,494 --> 00:11:50,169
''If vomiting occurs, discontinue use.
146
00:11:50,774 --> 00:11:54,289
''Use only as a topical desquamative.''
147
00:11:54,934 --> 00:11:59,769
Fine. What's in this one? Nasal spray containing mustard gas?
148
00:12:10,454 --> 00:12:12,012
Plumber?
149
00:12:13,374 --> 00:12:15,524
Yes, fine, come in.
150
00:12:15,694 --> 00:12:18,492
It's the uh... The radiators keep clanking.
151
00:12:20,134 --> 00:12:23,046
Absolutely deafening. Can't hear yourself think!
152
00:12:30,614 --> 00:12:34,323
Whell, of course, they've stopped now, obviously, but you never know when they'll start again.
153
00:12:34,534 --> 00:12:37,332
- Where's your pump?
- Upstairs, I think.
154
00:12:44,094 --> 00:12:46,324
Oh, bloody woman!
155
00:12:46,534 --> 00:12:49,048
How many times do I have to keep telling her?
156
00:12:53,894 --> 00:12:56,044
Now, it's just in here.
157
00:12:56,214 --> 00:12:57,693
Right.
158
00:13:02,974 --> 00:13:06,967
What am I suppose to do with this? Start a museum of Iron Age artefacts?
159
00:13:07,174 --> 00:13:10,166
- I thought you said...
- You thought...?
160
00:13:11,414 --> 00:13:13,405
Right, then.
161
00:13:16,534 --> 00:13:19,287
Bloody hellfire! That's red-hot, that tank!
162
00:13:19,494 --> 00:13:24,010
What have you been doing, testing nuclear warheads in there? God Almighty!
163
00:13:24,174 --> 00:13:26,688
Look at that! That's burnt me all down there!
164
00:13:26,854 --> 00:13:31,689
- I'm sorry about that. Do you want some ointment?
- No, no, I'm used to it. I'm bloody used to it.
165
00:13:31,854 --> 00:13:34,607
It's all right. I'll be all right in a minute.
166
00:13:34,774 --> 00:13:37,242
Perhaps we can get you some dressing.
167
00:13:37,414 --> 00:13:40,451
Don't tell HIM that. He'll come back with bottle of vinaigrette!
168
00:13:40,654 --> 00:13:43,646
No, no, I'm fine. Fine. Bloody used to it.
169
00:13:45,774 --> 00:13:48,413
There! That's what I thought, you see.
170
00:13:48,574 --> 00:13:52,567
Your thermostat's knackered. You could fry an egg on that tank.
171
00:13:52,734 --> 00:13:57,091
Agh! Look at that! Look, look! Coming up in blisters now!
172
00:13:57,254 --> 00:13:59,893
You must've known it was that bad.
173
00:14:00,054 --> 00:14:03,569
I'm not in the habit of crouching about in the airing cupboard
174
00:14:03,734 --> 00:14:07,090
dressed as Alec Guinness from ''Bridge On The River Kwai''!
175
00:14:07,254 --> 00:14:09,722
I thought they were supposed to be hot!
176
00:14:09,894 --> 00:14:13,330
I'll order you a new one up. Take that lot back to the van.
177
00:14:13,494 --> 00:14:17,203
That's the big white thing on wheels parked outside.
178
00:14:17,374 --> 00:14:20,172
How long is that going to take to come through?
179
00:14:23,974 --> 00:14:26,124
Hello!
180
00:14:26,294 --> 00:14:28,285
Hello down there!
181
00:14:28,454 --> 00:14:29,773
Hello!
182
00:14:29,974 --> 00:14:33,569
Somebody! Somebody down there let me out!
183
00:14:38,254 --> 00:14:40,245
Mr Meldrew!
184
00:14:40,414 --> 00:14:42,405
Mr Meldrew!
185
00:14:42,574 --> 00:14:44,565
Undo this door!
186
00:14:50,934 --> 00:14:54,722
Right, three days, fine, thanks. It'll have to be, won't it?
187
00:14:54,894 --> 00:14:58,682
For God's sake, will you shut the hell up?
188
00:14:58,854 --> 00:15:00,845
Just shut up!
189
00:15:01,014 --> 00:15:03,164
Thanks very much.
190
00:15:07,494 --> 00:15:11,282
- Hello!
- I'm not gonna stay and listen to this all day.
191
00:15:11,494 --> 00:15:13,485
Hello!
192
00:15:20,174 --> 00:15:21,607
Margaret!
193
00:15:36,654 --> 00:15:39,646
- Hello?
- Victor, where have you been?
194
00:15:39,814 --> 00:15:43,807
- I've been ringing all day.
- I've had a basin full of this central heating!
195
00:15:43,974 --> 00:15:47,489
The plumber came and can't do it till Monday at the earliest.
196
00:15:47,654 --> 00:15:51,442
- Where have you been?
- I went to the library, then to the pub.
197
00:15:51,614 --> 00:15:57,450
Then I went into town to get some earplugs and I've just got back. Where are you?
198
00:15:58,174 --> 00:16:00,642
I haven't been home at all yet.
199
00:16:00,814 --> 00:16:02,964
I'm at Mrs Birkett's.
200
00:16:03,134 --> 00:16:06,649
Well, that's just it. She hasn't come home.
201
00:16:06,814 --> 00:16:10,807
And now Mr Birkett's got one of his trembling fits coming on.
202
00:16:13,534 --> 00:16:16,844
Just leave it, Mr Birkett! I'll sweep it up later!
203
00:16:17,854 --> 00:16:21,642
We don't know. Not since she left our place this morning.
204
00:16:21,814 --> 00:16:26,604
We've been in touch with the police and they say they'll get someone to look into it.
205
00:16:26,774 --> 00:16:29,652
Oh, dear, that is a mystery.
206
00:16:29,814 --> 00:16:32,169
Shut up! Do you hear that?
207
00:16:34,974 --> 00:16:38,967
Well, look, you'd better just stay with him until she gets back.
208
00:16:39,894 --> 00:16:41,885
No, I'm fine. Fine.
209
00:16:42,054 --> 00:16:44,329
All right, then. Bye!
210
00:16:45,174 --> 00:16:47,324
Oh, for God's sake!
211
00:16:47,494 --> 00:16:50,486
Go on, clank away! See if I care!
212
00:17:13,294 --> 00:17:16,092
My goodness, what a night!
213
00:17:16,254 --> 00:17:18,370
What? Oh, hang on.
214
00:17:23,014 --> 00:17:25,005
Any joy?
215
00:17:25,174 --> 00:17:29,406
Now Mr Birkett's fretting that she's been abducted to grant sexual favours
216
00:17:29,574 --> 00:17:32,088
to various sultans of the United Arab Emirates.
217
00:17:33,254 --> 00:17:35,768
He always did live in a bit of a fantasy world.
218
00:17:35,934 --> 00:17:40,007
- She must be somewhere.
- Did she say anything to you before she left yesterday?
219
00:17:40,214 --> 00:17:43,604
I didn't see anything of her. What time did she come round at?
220
00:17:43,774 --> 00:17:48,928
Well, I left her to go into the loft and that must have been about ten to ten, which...
221
00:17:57,574 --> 00:18:01,123
Oh, God, Victor, no!
222
00:18:01,294 --> 00:18:03,762
- What?
- You haven't!
223
00:18:04,494 --> 00:18:07,213
Haven't what, Margaret? Margaret!
224
00:18:19,134 --> 00:18:21,125
Mrs Birkett?
225
00:18:30,974 --> 00:18:33,329
Goody goody gumdrops!
226
00:18:48,454 --> 00:18:53,005
Well, how was I supposed to know? What am I supposed to do?
227
00:18:53,214 --> 00:18:58,208
Carry out a daily inspection of the premises now for batty old women and mummified tomcats?
228
00:18:58,894 --> 00:19:03,365
To see what man or beast has been accidentally snared in our house for all eternity?
229
00:19:03,534 --> 00:19:06,002
I'm not telepathic. I don't have X-ray eyes!
230
00:19:06,174 --> 00:19:09,962
I don't wonder people attack you with an iron bar sometimes!
231
00:19:11,214 --> 00:19:13,409
Right, everybody here now?
232
00:19:13,574 --> 00:19:16,088
We had the same thing with our thermostat.
233
00:19:16,254 --> 00:19:21,248
They had to empty the tank through a rubber tube and drain the water off on the front lawn.
234
00:19:21,414 --> 00:19:25,805
- Right, everybody...
- Got fined L250 for illegal use of a hosepipe!
235
00:19:26,534 --> 00:19:29,002
By a man watching the house from a helicopter.
236
00:19:29,214 --> 00:19:31,933
Right, then, everybody, serious crime...
237
00:19:32,134 --> 00:19:37,208
I think we're all only too well aware of how bad the problem's becoming around here just lately.
238
00:19:37,414 --> 00:19:41,692
Only this week I myself was viciously attacked by a gang of youths
239
00:19:41,854 --> 00:19:45,164
and had to have hospital treatment for a serious head wound.
240
00:19:45,374 --> 00:19:48,810
- Can you smell something?
- I've been saying that all week.
241
00:19:48,974 --> 00:19:51,124
- What is it?
- I don't know.
242
00:19:51,334 --> 00:19:55,122
- And yet you can't smell it by the window.
- No, you can't.
243
00:19:55,294 --> 00:19:57,683
It's worse by the sideboard.
244
00:19:57,894 --> 00:20:00,886
- I can't smell anything here.
- You can over there.
245
00:20:01,054 --> 00:20:04,842
If he can't smell it over here, what's he going over there for?
246
00:20:05,014 --> 00:20:07,528
- I can smell it here now.
- Go back over there!
247
00:20:07,734 --> 00:20:12,489
- I wonder why you can't smell it here.
- No, it's if you come through from the kitchen.
248
00:20:12,654 --> 00:20:15,122
You smell it worse by the sideboard.
249
00:20:15,294 --> 00:20:19,173
- I'll see if you can smell it by the window.
- No, you can't.
250
00:20:19,334 --> 00:20:23,930
- You can only smell it by the sideboard.
- For Christ's sake, it's perfectly simple!
251
00:20:24,094 --> 00:20:27,086
Everyone just stay away from the bloody sideboard!
252
00:20:27,294 --> 00:20:31,207
- Why, what's wrong with it?
- I don't know. I can't smell anything!
253
00:20:32,174 --> 00:20:36,247
Now, look...I think we're all becoming increasingly worried about the behaviour
254
00:20:36,414 --> 00:20:38,882
of young people around here these days.
255
00:20:39,054 --> 00:20:41,614
- Litter and muck everywhere.
- Yes.
256
00:20:41,814 --> 00:20:46,490
If you try and tell them about it, they cheek you back and daub your house with obscenities.
257
00:20:46,694 --> 00:20:50,846
They're vandals, all of them. And sadistic with it too, some of them.
258
00:20:51,054 --> 00:20:54,205
- That's right.
- Do you know what Meg and I found at the tip?
259
00:20:54,374 --> 00:20:56,968
A dead cat.
260
00:20:57,174 --> 00:21:02,043
That some monster had suffocated in a plastic bin liner and stuffed down inside a skip.
261
00:21:03,054 --> 00:21:06,569
- They must be sick.
- Birching's too good for them!
262
00:21:08,134 --> 00:21:10,602
Yes, right, erm...
263
00:21:11,134 --> 00:21:13,125
Yes, anyway...
264
00:21:13,294 --> 00:21:18,288
It's important that we take precautions if, for example, we go out on our own after dark.
265
00:21:18,454 --> 00:21:21,526
Here you are, this is the sort of thing I'm talking about.
266
00:21:21,734 --> 00:21:25,693
He's got a gun! That's not loaded, is it, Mr Meldrew?
267
00:21:25,894 --> 00:21:29,284
- That's a starting pistol.
- Maybe. What's that got to do with it?
268
00:21:30,054 --> 00:21:34,684
It's a starting pistol. In case he's attacked in an alleyway by Linford Christie!
269
00:21:37,934 --> 00:21:41,006
The point is, Mr Prout, that it acts as a deterrent!
270
00:21:41,174 --> 00:21:44,211
Fighting off assailants before they do any damage.
271
00:21:44,414 --> 00:21:49,408
Anything you can arm yourselves with to show them that you mean business is all to the good.
272
00:21:49,574 --> 00:21:52,566
Now, the idea of the home watch patrol...
273
00:21:52,734 --> 00:21:57,364
Poor old Mr Melrose next door to me can't get out of the house at all now.
274
00:21:57,574 --> 00:22:00,293
- Aw!
- Not since he had those new locks fitted.
275
00:22:02,094 --> 00:22:05,609
- The idea is...
- He ought to sue that security firm.
276
00:22:05,774 --> 00:22:10,245
I was telling him through the letter box if you ring up and file a proper...
277
00:22:10,414 --> 00:22:12,405
Shut up!
278
00:22:12,574 --> 00:22:15,247
Now, if we can all just stick together...
279
00:22:16,174 --> 00:22:18,642
If we can all just make an effort to just...
280
00:22:19,254 --> 00:22:21,563
to just try and just...
281
00:22:26,254 --> 00:22:29,132
What time does ''Emmerdale Farm'' start?
282
00:22:29,654 --> 00:22:32,122
I think it's just starting now, actually.
283
00:23:10,374 --> 00:23:13,571
How are we doing, me old cock sparrow? Need any help?
284
00:23:13,734 --> 00:23:16,726
If I need any help, I'll call in Air Sea Rescue.
285
00:23:16,894 --> 00:23:19,283
If you do, just give me a shout.
286
00:23:19,814 --> 00:23:23,011
- Oh, yes, that's a lovely fit, sir.
- Is it?
287
00:23:23,214 --> 00:23:25,774
- Made to measure.
- I look a right prat!
288
00:23:26,694 --> 00:23:32,212
Only from certain angles. It's got a nice zip on the inside pocket. Keep your wallet secure.
289
00:23:32,734 --> 00:23:35,726
- What else is there?
- Erm, this one, sir.
290
00:23:37,214 --> 00:23:39,205
There you go.
291
00:23:40,134 --> 00:23:43,251
Perfect, sir. For you, perfect.
292
00:23:44,414 --> 00:23:46,484
Fits you like a glove.
293
00:23:46,654 --> 00:23:50,932
- This one hasn't got a zip.
- They only keep sticking. Bloody zips!
294
00:23:52,134 --> 00:23:54,409
Looks a treat. Really does.
295
00:23:54,574 --> 00:23:57,771
Does it? And what about these trousers to go with it?
296
00:23:59,134 --> 00:24:03,764
Yes... Yes, I can see your reasoning. Very good choice, sir. Very good combination.
297
00:24:03,934 --> 00:24:08,803
I also thought I might stick this paper bag over my head. What do you reckon?
298
00:24:09,494 --> 00:24:13,373
You're a comical character, sir. Shall I wrap these up for you, sir?
299
00:24:13,574 --> 00:24:18,648
Dump them in the Thames with 500 tons of industrial effluent! I'm not buying them!
300
00:24:18,814 --> 00:24:21,282
I was looking for something in a brown tweed.
301
00:24:21,454 --> 00:24:23,922
I lost mine earlier in the week.
302
00:24:24,414 --> 00:24:27,087
Ah! That looks more the sort of thing.
303
00:24:27,774 --> 00:24:30,242
That's exactly the sort of...
304
00:24:32,654 --> 00:24:35,009
Where did you get this jacket?
305
00:24:35,214 --> 00:24:38,365
That one, sir, er... I'm not sure I can remember where...
306
00:24:38,574 --> 00:24:42,806
Can't you? That's a pity! 'Cause I know exactly where it's going!
307
00:24:44,334 --> 00:24:50,250
- 'Ere! What the hell do you think you're doing?
- Take your hands off me if you value your life!
308
00:25:02,734 --> 00:25:07,364
Morning, Mr Meldrew. You're looking awful today. Even worse than usual.
309
00:25:07,534 --> 00:25:10,332
Yes, Mrs Warboys, it's a joy to be alive!
310
00:25:11,094 --> 00:25:13,813
- I took your advice.
- Sorry?
311
00:25:13,974 --> 00:25:16,568
Protecting ourselves in the streets.
312
00:25:23,334 --> 00:25:25,723
My God! Where did you get that?
313
00:25:25,894 --> 00:25:29,933
Harold, my eldest, found it few weeks ago when he was digging in the garden.
314
00:25:30,134 --> 00:25:33,365
I saw him start wagging his tail and I thought, ''Hello!''
315
00:25:33,534 --> 00:25:36,002
Are you sure it's safe to...?
316
00:25:36,174 --> 00:25:38,688
It's like you said. It's only for deterrence.
317
00:25:38,854 --> 00:25:41,414
I mean, it's not live or anything. Look!
318
00:25:41,574 --> 00:25:43,485
Don't do that!
319
00:25:51,774 --> 00:25:55,562
It's Mrs Warboys' hand grenade. How did that get there?
320
00:25:55,774 --> 00:25:59,687
You stupid, stupid, stupid woman!
321
00:25:59,894 --> 00:26:02,806
That old geezer's having a heart attack.
322
00:26:11,534 --> 00:26:13,809
Get your grubby hands off me!
323
00:26:17,174 --> 00:26:21,406
You're all the bloody same! Nothing but a bunch of thieving bloody yobs!
324
00:26:25,534 --> 00:26:29,527
Come back here, you bloody yobs! I'll kill the pair of you!
325
00:26:29,734 --> 00:26:33,886
That's not all. He keeps this old mad woman locked up in the attic.
326
00:26:35,694 --> 00:26:38,845
No. Nothing at all, Mum.
327
00:26:41,374 --> 00:26:45,162
It's amazing. It's completely and totally disappeared.
328
00:26:45,334 --> 00:26:48,326
I never did find out what it was, but it's gone now.
329
00:26:49,414 --> 00:26:52,724
What are you talking about? Mum, you can't...
330
00:27:00,214 --> 00:27:02,205
Do you believe me?
331
00:27:02,374 --> 00:27:05,411
I'll talk to you tomorrow. Bye!
332
00:27:05,614 --> 00:27:10,324
They got away again. Next time I'll have Armalite rifles and surface-to-air missiles!
333
00:27:10,534 --> 00:27:14,573
- You'll never guess what!
- Do you know what I found up at that market?
334
00:27:14,734 --> 00:27:18,727
- The police just called round.
- On one of those clothes stalls!
335
00:27:18,894 --> 00:27:23,524
- They brought your jacket back.
- Just hanging there in full...
336
00:27:23,734 --> 00:27:28,524
Apparently, they were making a routine drugs raid on one of those tower block flats.
337
00:27:28,694 --> 00:27:33,484
That's where they found it. It's even still got your chequebook inside!
338
00:27:40,294 --> 00:27:42,285
What's the matter?
339
00:27:42,454 --> 00:27:45,446
I think I've just carried out an armed robbery in broad daylight.
340
00:27:46,814 --> 00:27:49,726
Never mind. I'll put the kettle on.
341
00:28:05,814 --> 00:28:08,647
What the hell can I smell by this sideboard?