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# Oh, Danny Boy

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♪ The pipes, the pipes are calling... ♪

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You must be in a good mood.

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Sunday morning. What is there to be miserable about?

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♪ And down the mountainside... ♪

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Sunday morning - the first day of a new week.

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I'm going to have a potter about in the garden

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where the insanities of life can't possibly upset me.

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Even though ''Woman's Own'' is giving away a free gift pack of human organs this week,

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I'm not going to let it put my blood pressure up because life is too short.

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- Will you help me clear out the shed later?
- As soon as the dinner's on.

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Ah, gorgeous! The sort of day that actually makes you glad you're alive.

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Oh, God, I wish I was dead!

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- Whose bloody bees are they?
- How do I know whose bees they are?

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Are they supposed to have collars with their names and addresses printed on?

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Millions of them! Where do they come from?

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I don't know! Why do you keep asking me?

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Who else is there to ask in here?

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Hello, David Attenborough? I'm sorry to trouble you. Do you think you could answer a few questions for us?

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- I know where they came from.
- Where?

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- Mr Parslow, corner of Coker Street.
- Who?

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He was thinking of taking up beekeeping.

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He hasn't done a very good job of it, has he,

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based on the principle that the idea of beekeeping is to keep them,

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not unleash them on the public like the Seven Plagues of Egypt!

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Bugger off, the lot of you! This is my bloody shed, so get the bloody hell out of here!

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Well, that seems to have done the trick, doesn't it?

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When you've finished acting like a baby in a paddy!

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- You're getting yourself hot under the collar.
- Right.

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There's one getting in under the door there. There he is. Stand back!

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Little bastard, come here! You're not getting in here, matey. Don't think you are!

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- Victor, it's a piece of dead moss.
- Don't pick it up!

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All right?

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- Who the hell's Mr Parslow anyway?
- He lives on the corner of Coker Street.

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- We can't even get a message out to anybody.
- Saying what?

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What the hell do you think it would say? ''Send more bees''?

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''Help'' would be a start!

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- We could be in here for the rest of our lives.
- No.

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Mrs Althorp stares out of her window every hour on a Sunday. She'll see them and ring for help.

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We'll be out of here in no time.

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Three and a half hours!

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Three and a half hours!

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If you're going to lie there saying ''three and a half hours'' all night,

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I'm sleeping in the spare room.

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Three and a half hours of absolute death!

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We're lucky the fire brigade arrived when they did. Just be thankful it's all over!

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What's that buzzing noise?

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- Will you go to sleep?
- How can I go to sleep?

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Every time I nod off, I have this hideous dream that I'm imprisoned in a lunatic asylum

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with Arthur Askey singing outside the window!

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What time is your eye clinic appointment tomorrow?

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Nine o'clock.

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Try and get some rest or you'll be irritable all day long.

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- I'm always irritable all day long.
- I know you are.

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There were three Twix wrappers in the honeysuckle today. Three!

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Where do they all come from?

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The planet Twix?

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In the star system Flat Lager Can?

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Two thousand light ales from Earth?

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Every night I have to listen to this.

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And if we're not stung to death while we're asleep,

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we'll waken up covered in ash from that local cornfield.

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That bathroom windowsill was covered in it this morning!

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If they want to burn something, they should burn the bloody Twix wrappers!

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For God's sake, Victor!

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15 times I've read this sentence now!

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I sometimes think I should've lived in medieval times. People were more considerate then.

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Yes, and then you'd have spent all day wiping bits of Joan of Arc off the bathroom windowsill!

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Goodness sake! Will you give over and stop moan, moan, moan, moan?

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You know, Margaret, you want to try and relax a bit more.

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You're getting very irritable these days.

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Your Uncle Brian was stung by a bee once when we were on holiday in Bude.

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Took it for an ink rubber. Terrible he was without glasses.

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- Do you see much of him these days?
- When I can.

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He hasn't really come to terms with his wife dying yet.

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Riding round on his own on the back of that tandem - can't quite seem to adjust.

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- It is difficult, isn't it?
- How do you reckon did they get loose in the first place?

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Oh, that's just it, we don't know. The man who owns them, Mr Parslow, hasn't been seen for the last 24 hours,

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which is just as well as Victor is planning to disembowel him with a potato dibber.

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I don't know what it is, Iris, since he stopped working.

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He's got so much more time to dither about in.

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It's as if he's soaking up every hideous disaster and piece of misery in the world

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like a giant sponge.

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So have you asked him yet about um...?

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Well, I was hoping to wait until he was in a good mood.

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We could all die first.

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Excuse me. I'm sorry to trouble you again.

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There's been a bit of a mix-up.

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My wife brought me here at nine o'clock to see the eye specialist

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and we went away about an hour ago.

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Didn't we?

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And then we did a bit of shopping and went home.

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Now I think he's given me the wrong glasses.

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Oh? What makes you think that?

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This isn't my wife, you see.

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I'm not his wife, you see.

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I think I've got the wrong glasses as well.

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Oh, dear, that is a bit of a mix-up, isn't it?

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If you'd just take a seat over there, we'll try and sort it out for you.

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Nurse, have I got to wait here much longer, stuck with the Mr Magoo Appreciation Society?

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I've been sat in this chair now since half past eight.

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There's a lot of other patients besides you, Mr Meldrew. The doctor's doing his best.

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Can I have a look, please, Mr Jellinek?

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No, a little bit longer, I think. Keep your eyes shut nice and tightly.

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And you, Mr Gillespie, then the drops can take effect more quickly.

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- So what's your trouble, then?
- They think it might be a blocked blood vessel.

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I wasn't talking to you.

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Cataract, is it, or what?

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Well, they're not really sure yet. Not until they've done the tests.

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How's old Jack keeping these days?

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Did he get over that kidney infection?

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Oh, yes, yes.

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He had one of those tubes put inside him, didn't he?

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- That's right.
- One of those tubes that go right...

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Yes, I think we've all got the picture, thank you!

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He's all right, but his Susan's had to go into hospital.

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She's got er...you know...

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..a woman's problem.

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My brother suffers with that.

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Kidney trouble, always has done.

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They reckon he's got to have a tube put in now, you know.

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Oh, God!

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- How big are those tubes?
- Oh, quite big.

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Oh, about this long, some of them.

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Get away!

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And they just push them right in, you know.

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They say it's like sliding a straw into a bottle of Coca-Cola.

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Good God above!

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Were you there that day his carbuncle broke in Queensway's Bedding Centre?

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Right, that's it! That's enough for me, I'm afraid.

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Carbuncles, kidneys, tubes? His inside must look like a map of the Metropolitan Line!

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Right, Mr Meldrew. We've just got to pop some drops in first to open up your pupils.

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And here's your spectacles, sir. Sorry about that.

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It's Mr Parslow, 17 Coker Street?

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Mm-hm. Thank you.

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Excuse me. I just forgot something.

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Thank you very much.

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Right, Auntie Margaret, but I do need to know one way or the other by tonight.

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I'll ring you later. I promise.

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- Bye, love.
- Bye.

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Good morning. I'm very sorry to disturb you. I'm from ''BBC Look East''.

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Regional news programme?

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I'm sure you know there's quite an important by-election in this constituency on Thursday

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and we're doing a film report on the candidates as they go canvassing.

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Oh, yes?

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Well, it looks as though they forgot about the three of us, then.

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Typical!

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God, this stuff stings, doesn't it?

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Nurse, how much longer have I got to sit here like King Canute?

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- I say, excuse me!
- Yeah?

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Can I go in there now, please?

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- Yes, I expect so.
- Thank you very much.

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And I can open my eyes, can I?

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Yeah.

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Oh, terrific!

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- Here?
- What?

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- This chair, shall I sit in it?
- Yeah.

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Can you see that red mark on the wall there?

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Ye... Hang on a minute.

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Yes. Yes, I can, yes.

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I wonder what the hell it is.

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It won't come off with Ajax.

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OK, then, Mr Davidson, we're going again.

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All right, Mrs Meldrew?

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And...cue!

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Good morning. How are you?

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My name is Vincent Davidson and I'm the candidate for the Monster Raving Loony Party.

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Oh, yes?

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We're not an entirely frivolous organisation any more.

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We have a number of clearly set-out policies

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and I would ask you to consider the merits of a protest vote.

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Yes, well, I don't think...

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- Can I leave you a copy of our manifesto?
- All right, but I don't...

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- Nice talking to you anyway.
- Yes, and you. Bye.

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Bye. Thank you.

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Terrific. That's all we need. Thank you very much indeed, Mrs Meldrew.

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Got it. That's lovely. Thanks.

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- Was that OK?
- That was fine. Thanks for your help.

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Lots of luck, then. Bye!

180
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Actually, I was wondering if I could ask a quick favour.

181
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It's a bit embarrassing, really. I wonder if I might use your loo.

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- Of course. It's up the stairs.
- Thank you.

183
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- One or two too many cups of tea this morning.
- First on the right.

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Unbelievable, this country's medical system!

185
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Unless it's me that's going mad. That would certainly explain it all.

186
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Yes, it's me. I've gone completely gaga!

187
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Now, listen, mate, it's not you.

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You're the only sane one left, so don't you start cracking up!

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- All right?
- Yes. Thank you.

190
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Do you know there's a rather strange man in your house?

191
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Strange man? Victor?

192
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Yes?

193
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Oh, Iris... No, I haven't asked him yet.

194
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Aaaaaagh! God!

195
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Well, it's not exactly the best moment in the world, no.

196
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Was it my imagination

197
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or have they just started building the world's biggest sub-atomic particle accelerator

198
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to explain the very origins of the universe?

199
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What?

200
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Strange that they can't make a toilet roll

201
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where the perforations are in the same place on either side of the paper!

202
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Look at this abomination of modern technology!

203
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You try and tear it here and you're left with the other half hanging about there.

204
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Every time you do it, every time you tear it. Well, I've had enough of it, I can tell you!

205
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You're not going to start running that through my sewing machine again at this time of night!

206
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How else am I supposed to...? I don't believe these bloody rugs!

207
00:16:27,822 --> 00:16:31,815
How do they keep moving across the floor? What do you do? Oil the carpet?

208
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Every time I come into this room, I have to move this mat back six inches.

209
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- Well, don't, then.
- If I didn't, it'd be halfway to Abergavenny!

210
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Tummy trouble again?

211
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Insides turning over all told.

212
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Butterflies in the stomach, I expect.

213
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Butterflies in the stomach, bees in the potting shed, loonies in the lavatory.

214
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I wonder what bounteous joys the rest of the week has in store!

215
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Bubonic plague? A nest of scorpions in the hoover bag?

216
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Late-night shopping at Budgen's?

217
00:17:12,982 --> 00:17:15,450
Young Iris called round this morning.

218
00:17:16,662 --> 00:17:19,972
- I hope she didn't bring those two brats.
- Not this time.

219
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No, I gathered that. The house is still standing.

220
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She has to go to Dorset tomorrow to visit her Uncle Ted in hospital.

221
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That's all the poor bloke needs. A visit from Iris and the children of the damned!

222
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It's like being cheered up by the Luftwaffe.

223
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Well, ordinarily, she'd leave them in the local day nursery like she has in the past,

224
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but since that's been closed down...

225
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What did you say to her?

226
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It's just for one day, Victor.

227
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And she's promised that they'll be on their very best behaviour.

228
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Oh, no!

229
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I'm gonna take him to the Bat Cave and bash his head in!

230
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- I'll bash his head in first!
- Elliott, I've told you!

231
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And, Dylan, take that off your Uncle Victor's neck!

232
00:18:19,182 --> 00:18:21,696
You know his face shouldn't be that colour!

233
00:18:25,582 --> 00:18:28,096
Are you sure you've got time to drop me off?

234
00:18:28,262 --> 00:18:32,778
Don't be silly. The station's on the way to the shop and we've got bags of time.

235
00:18:32,982 --> 00:18:35,450
Put that down, that's 60 years old, that's the pride of my collection!

236
00:18:41,302 --> 00:18:45,215
Dylan, I won't come back for you. I'll leave you here for ever!

237
00:18:45,422 --> 00:18:47,697
You bloody won't!

238
00:18:48,422 --> 00:18:50,538
And stop doing that!

239
00:18:51,342 --> 00:18:56,132
I blame all these variety shows on the television. They're a real corrupting influence.

240
00:18:56,302 --> 00:19:00,011
They should put them on late at night after they've gone to bed.

241
00:19:00,222 --> 00:19:04,693
He's very good with them, isn't he? He's got, I don't know, a knack somehow.

242
00:19:10,582 --> 00:19:14,097
It's a real comfort knowing you can leave them in safe hands.

243
00:19:14,262 --> 00:19:18,016
- Especially these days.
- You have to be so careful these days.

244
00:19:18,182 --> 00:19:22,972
- Bloody swing for the pair of you!
- You'll be all right, Victor? We're off now!

245
00:19:23,142 --> 00:19:25,861
Ta-ta, then, Uncle! See you all this evening!

246
00:19:26,022 --> 00:19:28,490
And you two behave yourselves!

247
00:19:55,622 --> 00:19:57,135
Victor?

248
00:19:58,222 --> 00:20:01,214
- You're back early.
- They had to close the road.

249
00:20:01,382 --> 00:20:05,739
Due to a jack-knifed Nivea tanker, so we shut at four. Where are they?

250
00:20:05,942 --> 00:20:08,934
- What?
- I didn't expect the house to be so quiet.

251
00:20:09,102 --> 00:20:11,570
In the garden, are they?

252
00:20:11,742 --> 00:20:13,733
Dylan! Elliott!

253
00:20:15,182 --> 00:20:17,901
I can't see them out here, Victor.

254
00:20:19,102 --> 00:20:21,775
Elliott? Dylan?

255
00:20:21,942 --> 00:20:24,410
Where are you hiding?

256
00:20:27,542 --> 00:20:30,010
Perhaps they're in the garage.

257
00:20:30,182 --> 00:20:32,571
Yes, perhaps they erm...

258
00:20:38,342 --> 00:20:41,140
Boys! Are you in there?

259
00:20:46,902 --> 00:20:50,133
Come out of there, you little tearaways!

260
00:20:52,382 --> 00:20:56,500
You leave them alone for a second and... What would you do with them?

261
00:20:57,622 --> 00:21:01,058
It was only a game, Margaret, for goodness' sake!

262
00:21:01,222 --> 00:21:05,010
You know what sticklers children are for realism these days.

263
00:21:05,182 --> 00:21:09,175
You only call me a killjoy when I don't join in and then... Oh!

264
00:21:09,342 --> 00:21:13,699
Oh, don't come that pathetic act with me, Victor. I'm not in the mood!

265
00:21:13,862 --> 00:21:16,330
Talk about being married to WC Fields!

266
00:21:17,102 --> 00:21:20,094
I'm just speechless. That's all. Speechless!

267
00:21:20,942 --> 00:21:23,740
How you can just sit there and...

268
00:21:24,822 --> 00:21:26,813
What is it, Victor?

269
00:21:26,982 --> 00:21:29,450
I think you'd better call an ambulance.

270
00:21:40,262 --> 00:21:42,856
- Is it irritable bowel syndrome?
- Sorry?

271
00:21:43,022 --> 00:21:47,413
What did that doctor say that examined me? He didn't look too well himself.

272
00:21:47,582 --> 00:21:51,814
He has been manning the fort for 36 hours. I expect he's exhausted.

273
00:21:52,022 --> 00:21:57,016
Doesn't help your confidence when someone nods off while they listen to your heartbeat!

274
00:21:57,942 --> 00:22:00,217
Am I to stay over or what?

275
00:22:00,382 --> 00:22:03,374
- Didn't they tell you?
- They didn't tell me anything.

276
00:22:03,542 --> 00:22:08,013
''Wait here, Mr Meldrew.'' That's all you ever do in hospitals, isn't it? Wait.

277
00:22:08,622 --> 00:22:11,773
Wait and wait and wait.

278
00:22:12,702 --> 00:22:17,218
Or worry. Just leave you lying around like a piece of haddock on a fish counter.

279
00:22:17,382 --> 00:22:20,613
- What are you doing?
- We've got to remove your appendix.

280
00:22:20,822 --> 00:22:23,814
What? Aren't you going to put me to sleep first?

281
00:22:23,982 --> 00:22:28,180
I'm just here to shave you. They do the other bits in the operating theatre.

282
00:22:28,342 --> 00:22:30,810
Now just lie back and relax.

283
00:22:43,622 --> 00:22:46,136
Just like being at the hairdresser's, isn't it?

284
00:22:47,262 --> 00:22:49,776
Well, now you come to mention it, no!

285
00:22:50,502 --> 00:22:53,016
I don't know what sort of hairdresser you go to!

286
00:23:03,102 --> 00:23:04,774
Yes...

287
00:23:07,902 --> 00:23:11,690
We've certainly come a long way in the last hundred years, what you think of it?

288
00:23:11,862 --> 00:23:13,341
Yes.

289
00:23:15,902 --> 00:23:18,496
- Men on the moon, eh?
- Yes.

290
00:23:19,742 --> 00:23:22,210
I was up there myself last week.

291
00:23:22,742 --> 00:23:25,700
Yes... What?

292
00:23:25,902 --> 00:23:29,417
Shocking, you know, property prices up there now. Shocking!

293
00:23:29,942 --> 00:23:31,933
I tell you what.

294
00:23:32,102 --> 00:23:38,337
Three-bedroom semi-detached I bought four years ago...30,000 lunar dollars.

295
00:23:38,502 --> 00:23:40,697
30,000!

296
00:23:40,902 --> 00:23:44,099
Well, you can't buy a crater for that up there now.

297
00:23:44,262 --> 00:23:49,256
It's something to do with the cost of the special heavy bricks because of the gravity.

298
00:23:49,422 --> 00:23:53,017
I don't understand it myself, to be honest with you, but...

299
00:23:59,182 --> 00:24:01,332
- Mr Meldrew?
- Yes?

300
00:24:02,342 --> 00:24:04,810
Don't make any sudden moves.

301
00:24:06,062 --> 00:24:08,053
And you'll be fine.

302
00:24:08,222 --> 00:24:10,213
No sudden moves.

303
00:24:10,382 --> 00:24:12,850
Now, then, Mr Brocklebank...

304
00:24:13,382 --> 00:24:16,818
if you'd just like to put down that razor for us.

305
00:24:16,982 --> 00:24:19,815
- Almost finished with him.
- Yes.

306
00:24:20,302 --> 00:24:22,497
You certainly have.

307
00:24:23,262 --> 00:24:26,459
And you've done a splendid job, Mr Brocklebank.

308
00:24:26,662 --> 00:24:28,732
One of your best ever.

309
00:24:30,062 --> 00:24:34,453
But I think it's time you were getting along home now, don't you?

310
00:24:35,742 --> 00:24:38,734
Nurse, can we get that organised for him, please?

311
00:24:40,222 --> 00:24:43,612
Back with you in just a few minutes, Mr Meldrew.

312
00:24:50,742 --> 00:24:54,894
I couldn't find the coffee machine. They seem to have moved it.

313
00:24:55,062 --> 00:24:59,533
The doctor says it's what he reckoned. There's nothing wrong. It's just stress.

314
00:24:59,702 --> 00:25:03,695
They're going to get an ambulance to take us home in a minute.

315
00:25:05,222 --> 00:25:07,861
That was a close shave, wasn't it?

316
00:25:14,262 --> 00:25:18,050
Another five minutes they reckon, Victor, and then we'll be off.

317
00:25:19,302 --> 00:25:21,736
How is it now? Still gyppy?

318
00:25:21,942 --> 00:25:26,333
Gyppy? I've had a gutful this week, Margaret, a gutful!

319
00:25:28,022 --> 00:25:32,538
This soup tastes like the stuff you spray on plants to make the leaves shine.

320
00:25:32,702 --> 00:25:35,170
Good evening. Hello.

321
00:25:35,342 --> 00:25:39,813
Good evening to you. Will you be getting along to vote on Thursday at all?

322
00:25:39,982 --> 00:25:42,496
I hope so. And are you going to vote for me?

323
00:25:42,662 --> 00:25:46,655
Jolly good. That's what I like to hear. You're a sensible lady.

324
00:25:46,822 --> 00:25:51,737
You know that the National Health Service is safe in our hands. Nice to talk to you.

325
00:25:51,942 --> 00:25:54,581
Good evening to you, sir. Gerald Linklater.

326
00:25:54,742 --> 00:25:58,735
- Are you planning to vote on Thursday?
- I shall, yes.

327
00:25:58,942 --> 00:26:00,421
Good.

328
00:26:00,582 --> 00:26:03,619
I shall be voting for the Monster Raving Loony Party.

329
00:26:03,822 --> 00:26:08,020
I find their political platform the most sensible of all the major parties.

330
00:26:08,182 --> 00:26:12,016
That's a shame, sir, that you should waste your vote like that

331
00:26:12,182 --> 00:26:14,742
on the crackpot element in this campaign.

332
00:26:14,942 --> 00:26:19,732
Yes, they should all be locked up, put away in homes to have their heads examined.

333
00:26:19,902 --> 00:26:24,896
Fortunayely, there's plenty of room because those that really need help are chucked out into the street!

334
00:26:25,062 --> 00:26:30,216
Call this a Health Service? Do you know how long I had to wait yesterday for an eye test?

335
00:26:30,422 --> 00:26:32,492
Thank you very much.

336
00:26:32,702 --> 00:26:35,216
And thanks to you closing all the nurseries,

337
00:26:35,382 --> 00:26:39,773
I was brutally beaten up in my own living room this morning by two five-year-olds!

338
00:26:39,942 --> 00:26:42,581
I may never play the comb and paper again!

339
00:26:42,782 --> 00:26:46,570
- It's be an absolute joy...
- You ask me if I'm going to vote for you?

340
00:26:46,742 --> 00:26:50,212
I'd sooner stick my head in a pan of boiling chip fat!

341
00:26:50,902 --> 00:26:54,895
Ah! It seems my taxi has arrived, so I'll bid you good day.

342
00:26:55,062 --> 00:26:58,816
To the dark side of the moon, my good man, and quickly too.

343
00:27:50,582 --> 00:27:53,699
Perhaps you should just have an early night tonight.

344
00:27:53,862 --> 00:27:56,330
You'll feel better in the morning.

345
00:27:56,502 --> 00:27:58,811
Yes, I expect I will.

346
00:27:59,342 --> 00:28:01,333
Good night, then.

347
00:28:05,502 --> 00:28:11,338
Oh, if you should hear any sudden screams, it's just me smacking on some aftershave.