0 00:00:01,000 --> 00:00:04,000 Downloaded From www.AllSubs.org 1 00:00:02,415 --> 00:00:05,725 # They say I might as well face the truth 2 00:00:05,895 --> 00:00:09,205 # That I am just too long in the tooth 3 00:00:09,375 --> 00:00:12,731 # So I'm an OAP and weak-kneed 4 00:00:12,895 --> 00:00:16,171 # But I have not yet quite gone to seed 5 00:00:16,335 --> 00:00:20,248 # I may be over the hill now that I have retired 6 00:00:20,415 --> 00:00:23,566 # Fading away, but I'm not yet expired 7 00:00:23,735 --> 00:00:27,728 # Clapped out, run down, too old to save 8 00:00:27,895 --> 00:00:30,204 # One foot in the grave # 9 00:00:33,015 --> 00:00:35,483 (CREEPY MUSIC ON TELEVISION) 10 00:00:37,095 --> 00:00:39,689 who do you reckon did it, then? 11 00:00:39,855 --> 00:00:42,767 - His nephew Basil. - why? 12 00:00:42,935 --> 00:00:48,453 when they found the old man's body in the herb garden he was clutching a piece of basil. 13 00:00:48,615 --> 00:00:50,333 Ah. 14 00:00:52,855 --> 00:00:55,449 Lucky he wasn't killed by his Uncle Dick. 15 00:01:00,495 --> 00:01:02,804 Good grief! 16 00:01:04,255 --> 00:01:06,564 It's always the same, isn't it, 17 00:01:06,735 --> 00:01:10,444 as soon as you start mixing the whisky and Smarties? 18 00:01:10,615 --> 00:01:15,814 It's a lethal combination with you. Reduces your conversation to the level of a lavatory brush. 19 00:01:15,975 --> 00:01:19,524 Quiet now, please. Poirot's about to unmask the murderer. 20 00:01:19,695 --> 00:01:24,894 He's got all the suspects lined up in the lounge bar, look, where all will be revealed. 21 00:01:25,055 --> 00:01:28,570 No, hang on. No, he's not going to tell us yet. 22 00:01:28,735 --> 00:01:31,124 He's decided to have a drink first. 23 00:01:32,535 --> 00:01:35,129 why is he drinking a pint of lager? 24 00:01:35,295 --> 00:01:37,286 I don't know. 25 00:01:38,095 --> 00:01:42,805 It's not often you see Poirot swig back a tankard of beer like that. 26 00:01:42,975 --> 00:01:44,328 No. 27 00:01:46,535 --> 00:01:51,529 You know why? It's bloody Jocky wilson. we're watching the darts now. 28 00:01:51,695 --> 00:01:54,289 How did that happen? 29 00:01:54,455 --> 00:01:59,324 I was wondering why they were all wearing their shirts outside their trousers. 30 00:02:00,415 --> 00:02:02,007 Typical. 31 00:02:02,175 --> 00:02:07,169 That's with the news overrunning last night. It switched itself off before the end. 32 00:02:08,095 --> 00:02:12,407 I just wish they'd come and do something about this video head. 33 00:02:12,575 --> 00:02:18,047 Can hardly see a thing on the screen for snow. Everything we record looks like ''Dr Zhivago''. 34 00:02:18,215 --> 00:02:21,366 I... I've got a spot coming up on my nose now. 35 00:02:21,535 --> 00:02:24,208 I'm not surprised, with all the Smarties. 36 00:02:24,375 --> 00:02:29,369 I don't know why you don't just glue them to your face and be done with it. 37 00:02:31,495 --> 00:02:35,886 Do we have to have this thing sitting here, wearing out the chair covers? 38 00:02:36,055 --> 00:02:41,652 Gives me the creeps. I keep expecting it to get up and walk across the floor, like in that film. 39 00:02:41,815 --> 00:02:44,807 For goodness' sake, put it somewhere out of the way. 40 00:02:44,975 --> 00:02:47,967 You leave him alone. He's not doing anyone any harm. 41 00:02:48,135 --> 00:02:52,128 You wouldn't like to be cooped up all night in a waitrose bag. 42 00:02:52,295 --> 00:02:56,971 I don't know why you bought it. I thought we finished with all this when we got married. 43 00:02:57,135 --> 00:02:59,330 You weren't very good at it then. 44 00:02:59,495 --> 00:03:02,487 At least it whiles away the daylight hours. 45 00:03:02,655 --> 00:03:05,692 I thought about auditioning for ''Opportunity Knocks''. 46 00:03:05,855 --> 00:03:10,849 If you go on that, I really will leave the country. And anyway, it's finished. 47 00:03:11,015 --> 00:03:13,483 Oh, my God! 48 00:03:13,655 --> 00:03:17,250 Look! His back's burst open again. 49 00:03:17,415 --> 00:03:19,883 There's sawdust everywhere. 50 00:03:20,895 --> 00:03:23,284 Get him out of the front room. 51 00:03:23,455 --> 00:03:26,652 Put him in the downstairs loo or somewhere. 52 00:03:26,815 --> 00:03:29,773 I'll cover his head with the toilet roll cosy. 53 00:03:46,575 --> 00:03:48,372 Crap. Crap. 54 00:03:49,415 --> 00:03:50,928 Crap. 55 00:03:51,095 --> 00:03:53,450 Gas bill. Crap. 56 00:03:54,895 --> 00:03:57,284 Margaret, I'm up! 57 00:03:57,455 --> 00:03:59,844 where are the aspirins? 58 00:04:01,695 --> 00:04:03,492 Margaret? 59 00:04:11,215 --> 00:04:13,206 Oh, are you up? 60 00:04:13,375 --> 00:04:17,163 The aspirins are on the table next to the Alka-Seltzer. 61 00:04:19,015 --> 00:04:22,803 - where have you been? - Down the community centre. 62 00:04:24,535 --> 00:04:29,928 They found an unexploded bomb in Mr Lacey's back garden yesterday, from world war II. 63 00:04:30,095 --> 00:04:34,134 The whole street had to be evacuated to be on the safe side. 64 00:04:34,295 --> 00:04:36,286 Did you bring the milk in? 65 00:04:38,775 --> 00:04:40,572 Unexploded... 66 00:04:40,735 --> 00:04:45,729 - when was this? - About half past two, a policeman came round. 67 00:04:45,895 --> 00:04:48,284 I asked you if you were going to get up. 68 00:04:48,455 --> 00:04:53,449 All I got was, ''Tell them to send for the A Team,'' and then you went back to sleep. 69 00:04:56,655 --> 00:04:58,850 wh... wh... what... 70 00:04:59,015 --> 00:05:01,609 what if... what if it had gone off? 71 00:05:01,775 --> 00:05:04,369 Couldn't be any worse than your snoring. 72 00:05:04,535 --> 00:05:06,890 It was a relief to get away from it. 73 00:05:07,055 --> 00:05:10,047 It's like sleeping with a troop of howler monkeys. 74 00:05:10,215 --> 00:05:14,811 Anyway, they never do go off, do they? It's just a precau... 75 00:05:14,975 --> 00:05:19,844 Is that... Is that a beetle? Down there by the door. It's a bug of some sort. 76 00:05:20,015 --> 00:05:23,803 - (DOORBELL) - Oh, that'll be the video man. He's early. 77 00:05:41,815 --> 00:05:47,287 Good morning, sir. Another lovely one. Makes you wonder what's happening to the climate. 78 00:05:47,455 --> 00:05:50,765 what are you? A door-to-door meteorologist? 79 00:05:50,935 --> 00:05:55,531 - I've got a splitting headache, so... - what with Christmas just around the corner, 80 00:05:55,695 --> 00:06:00,928 I've got something here I know you'll agree will make the ideal gift for your grandchildren. 81 00:06:01,095 --> 00:06:05,885 How do you know I've got grandchildren? I might be completely sterile. 82 00:06:06,055 --> 00:06:08,444 what they are is... 83 00:06:08,615 --> 00:06:10,810 bendy dinosaurs. 84 00:06:10,975 --> 00:06:14,570 The kids go ape over them. My two never put them down. 85 00:06:14,735 --> 00:06:17,044 This is your brontosaurus. 86 00:06:17,215 --> 00:06:21,208 And this is your triceratops, I think that one's called. 87 00:06:21,375 --> 00:06:25,368 £25 each. Now, we do do a much bigger size at 50. 88 00:06:25,535 --> 00:06:31,246 Totally indestructible. You can bend that neck every which way. It won't snap. You try that. 89 00:06:31,415 --> 00:06:36,694 I won't, if you don't mind. Once I start snapping necks I find it very hard to stop. 90 00:06:38,215 --> 00:06:40,410 (MUTTERS) Bendy dinosaurs! 91 00:06:41,895 --> 00:06:46,889 Sell, sell. That's all you get these days. Everywhere you look. Junk! 92 00:06:55,735 --> 00:07:02,334 what's this? Another invitation to buy a hand-tooled guide to the Aztec civilisation? 93 00:07:03,415 --> 00:07:06,009 Right, I'd better get dressed. 94 00:07:06,175 --> 00:07:12,171 Now, you know I've got to take the car this week because Meg drove the delivery van into a wall. 95 00:07:12,335 --> 00:07:14,929 And I may be a bit late coming home... 96 00:07:20,775 --> 00:07:23,164 - Did you just...? - Hmm? 97 00:07:26,175 --> 00:07:27,893 Nothing. 98 00:07:39,935 --> 00:07:42,529 Morning, Mr Meldrew! 99 00:07:42,695 --> 00:07:46,131 - How are you today? - Fine, thank you. 100 00:07:46,295 --> 00:07:50,971 - I put some jam on your doorstep. All right? - Sorry? 101 00:07:53,135 --> 00:07:56,844 Grape and peach, courtesy of Mother. 102 00:07:57,815 --> 00:08:01,330 He says, ''Thank you very much indeed.'' 103 00:08:03,095 --> 00:08:06,485 - How is she? - Oh, she's not bad. Not bad. 104 00:08:06,655 --> 00:08:09,044 Still has her rather odd ideas. 105 00:08:09,215 --> 00:08:13,811 She's decided this morning she wants to be buried in the back garden. 106 00:08:13,975 --> 00:08:16,364 That's a bit drastic, isn't it? 107 00:08:16,535 --> 00:08:21,928 Oh, no. I mean eventually. That's a rather amusing misunderstanding, isn't it? 108 00:08:22,095 --> 00:08:25,292 No, I'm just out here resetting the dahlias. 109 00:08:25,455 --> 00:08:31,451 Actually, I'm glad I've seen you. we're putting on a benefit concert at the Kingsway Hall. 110 00:08:31,615 --> 00:08:33,810 Raise funds for the elderly. 111 00:08:33,975 --> 00:08:39,493 Mrs Meldrew was telling me that you've started getting back into the old ventriloquism act. 112 00:08:39,655 --> 00:08:44,524 Yes, I used to do it years ago, but it wouldn't be up to performing standard. Not now. 113 00:08:46,335 --> 00:08:48,644 well, I suppose... 114 00:08:48,815 --> 00:08:52,364 Of course... How long would you want me to do? 115 00:09:25,895 --> 00:09:28,363 I know. Left your torch. 116 00:09:29,535 --> 00:09:32,527 Left it on the window sill in the kitchen. 117 00:09:36,175 --> 00:09:39,770 There you are, then. I'll expect you ten o'clock, Friday. 118 00:09:39,935 --> 00:09:44,451 Get these sorted out and I won't be afraid any more, will I? 119 00:09:44,615 --> 00:09:49,211 Er...good evening. The floral basket. I've got a delivery. 120 00:09:49,375 --> 00:09:52,606 Oh, pardon. I thought you were the security man. 121 00:09:52,775 --> 00:09:55,972 No, no. Erm... 122 00:09:56,135 --> 00:09:59,445 Is this 62 or 62A? 123 00:09:59,615 --> 00:10:01,606 62, yes. 124 00:10:01,775 --> 00:10:03,970 Oh, carnations. 125 00:10:04,135 --> 00:10:06,126 Chrysanths. 126 00:10:06,295 --> 00:10:09,765 And freesias. Oh, she knows I love freesias. 127 00:10:09,935 --> 00:10:12,733 I knew she wouldn't forget, not on my 70th. 128 00:10:12,895 --> 00:10:15,284 It's my...my niece, Ruthy. 129 00:10:15,455 --> 00:10:19,653 She hasn't got a lot of time to write or pop round these days, but... 130 00:10:19,815 --> 00:10:23,603 Oh, and there's some roses in there as well, bless her. 131 00:10:24,815 --> 00:10:27,807 - I think I've come to the wrong... - Pardon? 132 00:10:28,775 --> 00:10:30,766 wait... wait... 133 00:10:30,935 --> 00:10:34,814 - Let me put them in some water for you. - Oh, that is sweet of you. 134 00:10:36,815 --> 00:10:39,204 where are...? Oh, right. 135 00:10:44,055 --> 00:10:47,092 Oh, mind the stool. Just a sec. 136 00:10:47,255 --> 00:10:49,644 I'll put the light on. 137 00:10:49,815 --> 00:10:52,204 There. That's better. 138 00:10:52,375 --> 00:10:56,573 - (CLATTER) - Er... It doesn't seem to have er... 139 00:10:56,735 --> 00:11:01,331 - It doesn't seem to be working. - Oh. It's that fuse. It's gone again. 140 00:11:01,495 --> 00:11:04,009 I've got some wire in here somewhere. 141 00:11:05,735 --> 00:11:08,203 It's chilly in here as well, isn't it? 142 00:11:08,375 --> 00:11:10,969 There's a fan heater in the fireplace. 143 00:11:12,255 --> 00:11:14,246 Oh, I... Oh. 144 00:11:14,415 --> 00:11:16,326 Yes, I see. 145 00:11:18,095 --> 00:11:23,374 - (wHIRRING) - There. That's better. Is your kitchen in here? 146 00:11:23,535 --> 00:11:27,130 (WOmAN) I didn't hear you come in , I was just drying my hair , 147 00:11:27,295 --> 00:11:29,684 my God, what on earth's happened? 148 00:11:29,855 --> 00:11:33,052 (THEmE FROm ''THE ARCHERS'') 149 00:11:36,255 --> 00:11:38,246 (RADIO OFF) 150 00:11:38,415 --> 00:11:41,009 Let's see. That's it. 151 00:11:41,175 --> 00:11:45,373 Five-amp. Are you all right out there in the dark? 152 00:11:45,535 --> 00:11:47,924 (CLATTER) 153 00:11:49,175 --> 00:11:51,370 Fine, thank you. 154 00:11:59,455 --> 00:12:00,934 - Hello. - Hi. 155 00:12:01,095 --> 00:12:05,054 - How are you doing? - Oh. Good gracious. 156 00:12:05,215 --> 00:12:08,685 This is a surprise. It's er... 157 00:12:08,855 --> 00:12:12,211 (BOTH) Patrick and Pippa. 158 00:12:12,375 --> 00:12:15,572 Right. Here we are, then. 159 00:12:15,735 --> 00:12:17,532 Um... 160 00:12:17,695 --> 00:12:20,084 I'll... I'll just... 161 00:12:20,255 --> 00:12:23,645 I'll just put them down on the erm... 162 00:12:24,695 --> 00:12:27,004 Oh! On the desk. 163 00:12:27,175 --> 00:12:29,973 - Is it on? - Yes. well done. 164 00:12:30,135 --> 00:12:34,048 Look, I've knocked over all your dominoes. I'm sorry. 165 00:12:34,215 --> 00:12:37,013 Don't worry. I'll pick them up later. 166 00:12:37,175 --> 00:12:40,247 There is... There is something you can do for me. 167 00:12:40,415 --> 00:12:43,805 - Yes? - Read a letter for me from my son Mike. 168 00:12:43,975 --> 00:12:48,366 Lives in Australia. It only arrived this morning. where did I put it? 169 00:12:48,535 --> 00:12:53,734 Ah, there it is. I've got a grandson out there, and two great-grandchildren. 170 00:12:53,895 --> 00:12:57,490 Yes, Danny and... Danny and little Tracey. 171 00:12:57,655 --> 00:13:01,045 I must start thinking of what to get them for Christmas. 172 00:13:01,215 --> 00:13:06,687 - I always try to get a little something off. - Right. Let's see what he's got to say, then. 173 00:13:08,175 --> 00:13:10,370 It's ages since he wrote. 174 00:13:10,535 --> 00:13:14,323 - I expect it's full of news. - I expect it is. 175 00:13:17,655 --> 00:13:21,250 Oh, I know. His writing, it's terrible, isn't it? 176 00:13:21,415 --> 00:13:24,134 But, well, do the best you can, eh? 177 00:13:26,975 --> 00:13:28,567 Yes. 178 00:13:35,775 --> 00:13:37,970 Dear Dad... 179 00:13:38,135 --> 00:13:41,923 Just a few lines to let you know 180 00:13:42,095 --> 00:13:47,294 that we all miss you and that we're all thinking of you, 181 00:13:47,455 --> 00:13:50,049 even though we're so far apart. 182 00:13:53,135 --> 00:13:55,524 The weather...here... 183 00:13:57,455 --> 00:14:00,447 The weather here is wonderful, 184 00:14:00,615 --> 00:14:04,813 and we just wish that you were here to share it with us. 185 00:14:09,015 --> 00:14:11,324 (TELEVISION OFF) 186 00:14:14,295 --> 00:14:17,093 So um... There we are. 187 00:14:18,695 --> 00:14:22,688 I'm sorry it missed off the ending, but Margaret's pretty sure it was Basil. 188 00:14:22,855 --> 00:14:27,645 I would have said it was Basil. I think that's what that leaf was in his hand. 189 00:14:27,815 --> 00:14:33,128 I think it was a clue left by the victim to let them know who'd murdered him. 190 00:14:33,295 --> 00:14:38,449 A bit tentative, isn't it? what if he missed and picked a bit of parsley instead? 191 00:14:38,615 --> 00:14:41,254 - Could've hanged an innocent man. - who? 192 00:14:41,415 --> 00:14:47,524 He should've slithered up to the conservatory and written the name down on a piece of paper. 193 00:14:47,695 --> 00:14:52,086 You don't think of things like that when you've just been shot in the stomach. 194 00:14:56,735 --> 00:15:00,250 - (DOOR CLOSES) - Oh, that'll be Margaret now. 195 00:15:00,415 --> 00:15:04,931 Sorry I'm late. I was talking to a poor old man. All a bit tragic, really. 196 00:15:05,095 --> 00:15:09,293 - Oh, hello. - Look who's turned up. Patrick and Pippa. 197 00:15:09,455 --> 00:15:11,446 - Margaret. - How are you? 198 00:15:11,615 --> 00:15:13,924 Fine, fine. How are you both? 199 00:15:14,095 --> 00:15:16,484 Oh, not so bad. Exhausted, mainly. 200 00:15:16,655 --> 00:15:20,648 we were just telling Victor it took 12 hours to get here from Bath. 201 00:15:20,815 --> 00:15:23,010 M4 was choked solid. 202 00:15:23,175 --> 00:15:25,564 How are you settling in now? All right? 203 00:15:25,735 --> 00:15:27,726 Oh, fine. 204 00:15:27,895 --> 00:15:29,692 Still... 205 00:15:29,855 --> 00:15:33,052 things are coming round by degrees. 206 00:15:33,215 --> 00:15:36,207 Erm... I... I won't be a sec. 207 00:15:40,775 --> 00:15:43,369 - well? - well what? 208 00:15:43,535 --> 00:15:46,129 well, who the hell are they? 209 00:15:47,215 --> 00:15:49,524 I haven't the faintest idea. 210 00:15:51,415 --> 00:15:57,206 - You must have some idea. You let them in. - I've never clapped eyes on them. 211 00:15:57,375 --> 00:16:01,971 They suddenly turned up on the doorstep with three suitcases. 212 00:16:02,135 --> 00:16:06,925 I listened to them yapping on for two hours about cones and contraflows, 213 00:16:07,095 --> 00:16:09,973 then I lost the will to live and put on a video. 214 00:16:10,775 --> 00:16:14,768 I thought you'd know who they were when you got back. 215 00:16:14,935 --> 00:16:19,451 Patrick and Pippa. Doesn't mean a thing. They must be relations. 216 00:16:19,615 --> 00:16:22,004 No. I sneaked out after half an hour, 217 00:16:22,175 --> 00:16:26,965 went through all the photograph albums, the address books. Nothing. 218 00:16:27,135 --> 00:16:31,447 The closest I got was Patsy and Peter, and they're both dead. 219 00:16:31,615 --> 00:16:34,493 In any case, they were your sister's goldfish. 220 00:16:36,695 --> 00:16:41,723 It's too ridiculous for words. I'm going to come straight out with it and ask them. 221 00:16:41,895 --> 00:16:45,888 You'll do nothing of the sort. Make us both look like a couple of halfwits. 222 00:16:46,055 --> 00:16:49,286 No, it'll come to us in a minute. It's bound to. 223 00:16:51,775 --> 00:16:54,767 Actually, Margaret, we're both a bit bushed. 224 00:16:54,935 --> 00:16:57,927 If it's all the same with you, we'd like to get to bed. 225 00:16:58,095 --> 00:17:00,450 Oh, fine. That's all right. 226 00:17:01,815 --> 00:17:05,524 Yes, well, I'll take... I'll take your suitcases upstairs. 227 00:17:05,695 --> 00:17:08,892 You sleep in our bed. we'll make do with the sofa. 228 00:17:09,055 --> 00:17:11,046 - Your bed? - Yes. 229 00:17:11,215 --> 00:17:15,527 It's a perfectly good bed. we haven't got round to a spare yet. 230 00:17:15,695 --> 00:17:18,767 So, um... If you'll just follow me. 231 00:17:18,935 --> 00:17:22,928 I'll get you some fresh soap. I'm sure you could do with a bath. 232 00:17:23,095 --> 00:17:28,294 Actually, thank you, I think we'll be off home. Thanks very much for the tea and Poirot. 233 00:17:28,455 --> 00:17:33,006 Home? we wouldn't dream of turfing you out at this hour. Give those back here. 234 00:17:33,175 --> 00:17:35,166 (THUD ) 235 00:17:39,735 --> 00:17:44,126 Don't be ridiculous. we're hardly going to send you home at this hour. 236 00:17:44,295 --> 00:17:47,287 It's time we left you in peace. It is past 11. 237 00:17:47,455 --> 00:17:50,845 - Victor... - Hand those back and don't be so obstinate! 238 00:17:51,015 --> 00:17:54,212 Victor, if they want to go, they should go. 239 00:17:54,375 --> 00:17:56,969 Thank you...very much indeed. 240 00:17:57,135 --> 00:17:59,729 It's been lovely chatting to you both. 241 00:17:59,895 --> 00:18:02,693 - Goodnight. Bye, Margaret. - Bye. 242 00:18:02,855 --> 00:18:04,971 And goodnight. 243 00:18:08,815 --> 00:18:10,806 Ohhh... 244 00:18:10,975 --> 00:18:12,966 God! 245 00:18:13,135 --> 00:18:15,126 what? what is it? 246 00:18:16,695 --> 00:18:19,653 we have seen them before. 247 00:18:19,815 --> 00:18:22,170 I've remembered now. 248 00:18:22,335 --> 00:18:26,567 - I've remembered where they come from. - where? 249 00:18:28,455 --> 00:18:30,446 Next door. 250 00:18:33,135 --> 00:18:34,853 what? 251 00:18:35,015 --> 00:18:39,008 Remember, when we were moving in, they were just leaving, 252 00:18:39,175 --> 00:18:42,167 going off on a month's holiday to the west Country. 253 00:18:42,335 --> 00:18:46,806 we just shouted hellos to each other, and that was about it. 254 00:18:48,935 --> 00:18:50,732 Next door? 255 00:18:50,895 --> 00:18:54,854 Do you mean, when their car drew up outside, they were go...? 256 00:19:10,175 --> 00:19:13,167 Right. That's that sorted out, then. 257 00:19:13,335 --> 00:19:16,327 I think they could see the funny side of it. 258 00:19:16,495 --> 00:19:21,694 They seem a very nice couple when you get to know them. Now, I've got to get back. 259 00:19:21,855 --> 00:19:26,849 There's another one coming up, for God's sake. I look like a Sumatran rhinoceros. 260 00:19:27,015 --> 00:19:31,611 At least you won't have to put a red nose on for your act this afternoon. 261 00:19:31,775 --> 00:19:37,566 Oh, Pippa says she'll be glad to run you there and back, so you don't have to ring for a taxi. 262 00:19:37,735 --> 00:19:39,327 Oh. 263 00:19:39,495 --> 00:19:44,694 I tell you who I will ring. Bloody video place. That's three times they've promised to come. 264 00:19:44,855 --> 00:19:48,928 I expect I'll get that usual bimbo on the showroom desk. 265 00:19:49,095 --> 00:19:52,690 well, good luck with your concert. I'll see you later. 266 00:19:58,095 --> 00:20:02,088 Bursting out the back here if you're not careful. 267 00:20:02,655 --> 00:20:03,974 Hello. This is Mr... 268 00:20:05,775 --> 00:20:09,734 Yes, it bloody well is me again, and it's still likely to be. 269 00:20:09,895 --> 00:20:13,888 I'm telling you, one of these days, you're going to push me too far. 270 00:20:14,055 --> 00:20:16,364 Right. Tomorrow. 271 00:20:16,535 --> 00:20:20,369 And that's final. After that, I'm finished with you. 272 00:20:21,375 --> 00:20:26,688 we could try changing the head for a start, as this one seems to have a mind of its own. 273 00:20:26,855 --> 00:20:29,494 I'm sick to bloody death of... 274 00:20:30,655 --> 00:20:33,613 Don't start crying. 275 00:20:34,735 --> 00:20:37,329 No, I'm sorry if I shouted. 276 00:20:37,495 --> 00:20:40,089 Right? I... I'm sorry. 277 00:20:40,255 --> 00:20:42,132 Right? 278 00:20:45,135 --> 00:20:46,727 Oh. 279 00:20:46,895 --> 00:20:51,127 I've just got a couple of things to pack, and then I'll be right with you. 280 00:20:54,175 --> 00:20:56,564 (CHEERING) 281 00:21:03,455 --> 00:21:05,446 Hello, Marty? 282 00:21:05,615 --> 00:21:08,607 - Marty, up there. Can you hear me? - Hello? 283 00:21:08,775 --> 00:21:12,563 Oh, good. Just run through those running order changes. 284 00:21:12,735 --> 00:21:17,251 - I think it might affect your lighting cues. - OK, mate, 285 00:21:17,415 --> 00:21:21,294 Right, now, after Anthrax Attack have finished their set, 286 00:21:21,455 --> 00:21:26,449 we've moved the Kray Sisters back, so it's now Des Haemorrhage and Maggie Mussolini. 287 00:21:26,615 --> 00:21:30,005 - OK, - Right. Then comes Jerry Sadowitz. 288 00:21:30,175 --> 00:21:34,327 Jack The Lettuce, who Killed Kathy Kirby? and Sick, Sick, Sick. 289 00:21:34,495 --> 00:21:37,692 - (STATIC) - Then we're back as before. 290 00:21:37,855 --> 00:21:43,851 Iggy Doonican, Coil And Cap, Orphanage Explosion and Victor Meldrew and Cuthbert, 291 00:21:44,015 --> 00:21:46,973 which will be the cue out of the first half. 292 00:21:47,135 --> 00:21:49,854 One sec, Marty. Yes, Mr Meldrew? 293 00:21:50,015 --> 00:21:55,806 Is it possible for me to go on after someone else other than Orphanage Explosion? 294 00:21:55,975 --> 00:21:58,887 Just seems rather a tricky act to follow. 295 00:21:59,055 --> 00:22:04,368 I suppose we could put you on later. what say between Eraserbrain and Clive Antichrist? 296 00:22:04,535 --> 00:22:09,051 Eraserbrain? Look, to be honest, I... I feel a bit out of place. 297 00:22:09,215 --> 00:22:13,652 - Could we just forget the whole thing? - Don't be silly. You'll be fine. 298 00:22:13,815 --> 00:22:18,331 I'm sure you'll be a big success. You've rehearsed. You can't back out. 299 00:22:18,495 --> 00:22:20,053 No. 300 00:22:22,215 --> 00:22:24,604 That's what worries me. 301 00:22:59,615 --> 00:23:01,810 Is anybody in? 302 00:23:02,775 --> 00:23:06,973 Hello? It's Mrs Meldrew from the florist's. 303 00:23:07,135 --> 00:23:12,129 I thought you might like these freesias. we had them left over from a big display. 304 00:23:13,775 --> 00:23:15,970 Are you at home? 305 00:23:16,135 --> 00:23:19,332 (VICTOR SPEAKING IN SQUEAKY VOICE) 306 00:23:19,495 --> 00:23:22,293 (CONVERSING wITH DUMMY) 307 00:23:22,455 --> 00:23:25,447 (ROARS OF LAUGHTER) 308 00:23:35,215 --> 00:23:38,013 (AUDIENCE LAUGHING) 309 00:23:43,655 --> 00:23:45,850 Hello, Nick Swainey. 310 00:23:46,015 --> 00:23:49,087 Yes, hello, Sergeant. what's the problem? 311 00:23:55,735 --> 00:23:57,726 Er, yeah. Yeah, I will. 312 00:23:57,895 --> 00:24:01,205 No, Sergeant. Thank you for letting me know. 313 00:24:01,375 --> 00:24:03,764 Yeah, I will. Yeah. Bye-bye. 314 00:24:04,895 --> 00:24:08,205 - Hello. I'm supposed to pick up Mr Meldrew. - He's... 315 00:24:08,375 --> 00:24:12,368 - I'm not sure if he's ready yet. - He'll be off in second! 316 00:24:12,535 --> 00:24:16,926 Sorry. I've erm... I've just had a piece of terrible news. 317 00:24:17,975 --> 00:24:23,766 One of the old people we go and visit, an old blind chap, he's... He's been murdered. 318 00:24:23,935 --> 00:24:25,926 Oh, my goodness. 319 00:24:26,095 --> 00:24:29,292 - whenever was this? - This afternoon. 320 00:24:29,455 --> 00:24:32,413 He was found. It could have been any time. 321 00:24:32,575 --> 00:24:35,533 The whole flat had been ransacked. Poor bloke. 322 00:24:35,695 --> 00:24:41,088 - God, they can't be right in the head. - They just found him on the floor, strangled. 323 00:24:41,255 --> 00:24:45,646 - Lying there, a domino clutched in his hand. - A domino? 324 00:24:45,815 --> 00:24:50,525 He could play dominoes. He had a special set with raised spots. 325 00:24:50,695 --> 00:24:52,686 A domino. 326 00:24:52,855 --> 00:24:55,369 They didn't say which number? 327 00:24:56,295 --> 00:25:00,129 He did, in fact. He said it was a... A double one. 328 00:25:00,295 --> 00:25:04,891 Don't suppose it means anything. Anyway, if you'll excuse me, I'll... 329 00:25:09,215 --> 00:25:11,604 Double one... 330 00:25:11,775 --> 00:25:13,766 Two spots. 331 00:25:29,335 --> 00:25:32,088 Oh, hello. Have you been waiting long? 332 00:25:35,975 --> 00:25:38,489 Right, there we are. 333 00:25:41,135 --> 00:25:44,730 Are you all right? You looked a bit edgy in the car. 334 00:25:44,895 --> 00:25:47,489 I expect you'd like a nice cup of tea. 335 00:25:48,415 --> 00:25:53,125 - Did you hear me? - Oh, I didn't realise you were talking to me. 336 00:25:53,295 --> 00:25:57,686 Erm... No, no, it's all right. I'll be getting along. 337 00:25:57,855 --> 00:25:59,846 Right, well... 338 00:26:00,015 --> 00:26:02,927 Before you go, could you take him for me? 339 00:26:04,015 --> 00:26:06,404 And then I can... That's it. 340 00:26:06,575 --> 00:26:10,204 That's right. He goes in the downstairs toilet. 341 00:26:10,375 --> 00:26:12,172 - Does he? - Yes. 342 00:26:12,335 --> 00:26:17,329 If you wouldn't mind. Thanks very much. If you could be quick. I think he's bursting. 343 00:26:17,495 --> 00:26:19,690 Bursting? Oh, right. 344 00:26:22,095 --> 00:26:24,848 Victor? How did it go? 345 00:26:25,015 --> 00:26:27,404 I've had a terrible day. 346 00:26:43,575 --> 00:26:45,770 (FLUSHING) 347 00:26:47,815 --> 00:26:50,124 There. There we are. 348 00:26:50,295 --> 00:26:53,173 All right? See you around, then. 349 00:26:59,855 --> 00:27:04,645 Anyway, I just wanted to thank you for your contribution to the show. 350 00:27:04,815 --> 00:27:09,809 At least we can use some of the money to give old Albert a proper funeral. 351 00:27:09,975 --> 00:27:16,414 For what? A few pounds left over from his pension. That's all his life was worth. 352 00:27:16,575 --> 00:27:20,568 The irony of it is, he had just over 100 in the post office. 353 00:27:20,735 --> 00:27:25,331 He was just about to use it to have new locks fitted, get everything secured. 354 00:27:25,495 --> 00:27:29,329 If he'd done that on Friday morning, he might be alive today. 355 00:27:29,495 --> 00:27:33,044 That's right. He said about that. why didn't they come? 356 00:27:33,215 --> 00:27:38,209 Apparently he cancelled. He said he needed the money for something else. 357 00:27:38,375 --> 00:27:41,367 what? what would make an old man like that 358 00:27:41,535 --> 00:27:45,528 suddenly part with all the money he's got in the world? 359 00:28:31,575 --> 00:28:35,204 # They say I might as well face the truth 360 00:28:35,375 --> 00:28:38,287 # That I am just too long in the tooth 361 00:28:38,455 --> 00:28:41,686 # I've started to deteriorate 362 00:28:41,855 --> 00:28:45,291 # And now I've passed my own sell-by date 363 00:28:45,455 --> 00:28:49,130 # Oh, I am no spring chicken, it 's true 364 00:28:49,295 --> 00:28:52,605 # I have to pop my teeth in to chew 365 00:28:52,775 --> 00:28:55,767 # And my old knees have started to knock 366 00:28:55,935 --> 00:28:59,245 # I've just got too many miles on the clock 367 00:28:59,415 --> 00:29:03,203 # So I'm a wrinkly, crinkly, set in my ways 368 00:29:03,375 --> 00:29:07,129 # It's true that my body has seen better days 369 00:29:07,295 --> 00:29:10,844 # But give me half a chance and I can still misbehave 370 00:29:11,015 --> 00:29:13,404 # One foot in the grave 371 00:29:14,375 --> 00:29:16,684 # One foot in the grave 372 00:29:17,935 --> 00:29:20,403 # One foot in the grave # 373 00:29:21,403 --> 00:29:31,403 Downloaded From www.AllSubs.org