1
00:00:02,487 --> 00:00:06,082
# They say l might as well face the truth
2
00:00:06,127 --> 00:00:09,563
# That l am just too long in the tooth
3
00:00:09,607 --> 00:00:13,043
# So l'm an OAP and weak-kneed
4
00:00:13,087 --> 00:00:16,477
# But l have not yet quite gone to seed
5
00:00:16,527 --> 00:00:20,566
# l may be over the hill
now that l have retired
6
00:00:20,607 --> 00:00:23,883
# Fading away but l'm not yet expired
7
00:00:23,927 --> 00:00:28,045
# Clapped out, run down, too old to save
8
00:00:28,087 --> 00:00:30,647
# One foot in the grave #
9
00:00:34,407 --> 00:00:37,558
As l say, Mrs Meldrew swore me
10
00:00:37,607 --> 00:00:41,316
to complete secrecy
over the entire episode.
11
00:00:41,367 --> 00:00:44,916
l mean, there are some things
too personal and too upsetting
12
00:00:44,967 --> 00:00:49,006
to be just blathered all round
the houses as idle gossip.
13
00:00:49,047 --> 00:00:52,198
Well...as far as anyone could tell,
14
00:00:52,247 --> 00:00:56,365
the roots of it all started
one morning last June.
15
00:00:56,407 --> 00:01:00,446
A few of us were round
having a bit of a chinwag over coffee
16
00:01:00,487 --> 00:01:02,478
and somehow or other,
17
00:01:02,527 --> 00:01:06,839
the subject had drifted
onto weird dreams and nightmares.
18
00:01:06,887 --> 00:01:11,961
Exactly. And then...it must be
for this last month now...
19
00:01:12,847 --> 00:01:16,965
l keep waking up in the middle
of the night in a cold sweat
20
00:01:17,007 --> 00:01:21,478
and it's always the same thing
l've been dreaming.
21
00:01:22,567 --> 00:01:27,641
l'm locked in a prison cell
waiting to be hanged
22
00:01:27,687 --> 00:01:32,761
for battering to death
a balding old man with white hair.
23
00:01:34,407 --> 00:01:36,398
Go on.
24
00:01:36,447 --> 00:01:41,521
And then, at the last minute,
they grant me a special reprieve
25
00:01:41,567 --> 00:01:44,365
on the grounds of justifiable homicide.
26
00:01:46,087 --> 00:01:51,161
But the strange thing is
l don't want to leave the prison.
27
00:01:51,207 --> 00:01:54,563
l want to stay where l am.
l killed him.
28
00:01:58,007 --> 00:02:02,478
l keep hanging on to the cell door,
just clinging to the bars,
29
00:02:02,527 --> 00:02:07,362
kicking and screaming and yelling
that l want to stay where l am.
30
00:02:08,927 --> 00:02:10,724
What does it mean?
31
00:02:10,767 --> 00:02:13,679
- (Door bangs)
- Shh. That must be him.
32
00:02:13,727 --> 00:02:17,561
He only had to go to Sainsbury's
and pick up his shoes from the menders.
33
00:02:17,607 --> 00:02:19,404
Let's see what he has to moan about.
34
00:02:19,447 --> 00:02:22,007
(Victor) Unbelievable.
35
00:02:22,047 --> 00:02:25,835
Absolute... Oh. Good morning, ladies.
Can you believe that?
36
00:02:25,887 --> 00:02:28,447
They've lost the left shoe.
37
00:02:29,447 --> 00:02:32,598
Lost it! And do you know
what he had the nerve to...
38
00:02:32,647 --> 00:02:35,207
He said he'd only charge me half price.
39
00:02:36,127 --> 00:02:40,723
He said he couldn't say
any fairer than that. Can you bel...
40
00:02:40,767 --> 00:02:45,841
They haven't heard the last of that
and l hope they don't think they have.
41
00:02:47,087 --> 00:02:48,679
(Laughter)
42
00:02:48,727 --> 00:02:50,718
Sorry?
43
00:02:50,767 --> 00:02:53,122
More coffee?
44
00:02:53,167 --> 00:02:56,762
You didn't get that hideous
Noel Edmonds sweater after all?
45
00:02:56,807 --> 00:03:00,402
They're out of my size.
l'm picking one up Thursday.
46
00:03:00,447 --> 00:03:03,166
You're seriously going
to buy one, are you?
47
00:03:03,207 --> 00:03:05,198
l am, yes.
48
00:03:07,247 --> 00:03:11,035
- What's this for?
- What's it for? Picking my nose with.
49
00:03:12,087 --> 00:03:16,205
What do you think it's for? l'm going
to nail up that fence panel this morning.
50
00:03:16,247 --> 00:03:19,637
Stop him next door waltzing
into our garden every five minutes.
51
00:03:19,687 --> 00:03:23,805
Oh, yes, by the way, l forgot to tell you.
He's getting some pigeons.
52
00:03:23,847 --> 00:03:27,442
Pigeons! Oh, you must be joking.
53
00:03:27,487 --> 00:03:29,478
That's all we need.
54
00:03:29,527 --> 00:03:33,122
Precision bombing raids
all over the bloody roof.
55
00:03:33,167 --> 00:03:36,045
- When did he tell you this?
- This morning.
56
00:03:36,087 --> 00:03:38,442
He's invited us round there later.
57
00:03:38,487 --> 00:03:41,445
l think he's rather keen to show them off.
58
00:03:41,487 --> 00:03:43,842
This isn't the kind of mustard l buy.
59
00:03:44,647 --> 00:03:46,239
Oh!
60
00:03:47,287 --> 00:03:53,999
How many times do l have to tell you
to pack freshly baked bread on the top?
61
00:03:56,127 --> 00:03:59,039
l'll have to take
a bicycle pump to that now.
62
00:04:00,567 --> 00:04:04,162
- Did you get my tights?
- They're in there somewhere.
63
00:04:09,887 --> 00:04:12,355
These are stockings. And they're blue.
64
00:04:12,407 --> 00:04:14,716
Don't you look at anything
before you buy it?
65
00:04:14,767 --> 00:04:16,723
l'm sure it said tights.
66
00:04:16,767 --> 00:04:20,555
Thick blue stockings...
That's how you see me, is it?
67
00:04:22,287 --> 00:04:24,278
But they might come in handy.
68
00:04:24,327 --> 00:04:27,717
What for?
lnsulating a pair of electric eels?
69
00:04:27,767 --> 00:04:30,600
You can take those
straight back and change them.
70
00:04:30,647 --> 00:04:33,923
l'm not going back to face
all those giggly girlies on the till.
71
00:04:33,967 --> 00:04:36,925
- l'll look a complete idiot.
- You are a complete idiot.
72
00:04:36,967 --> 00:04:40,118
Galloping up and down
the aisles like Ben-Hur,
73
00:04:40,167 --> 00:04:42,362
slinging any old thing into the trolley.
74
00:04:42,407 --> 00:04:46,320
You haven't got the brains
you were born with sometimes.
75
00:04:46,367 --> 00:04:48,562
Oh, right.
76
00:04:50,247 --> 00:04:52,238
Thank you very much.
77
00:04:53,487 --> 00:04:55,682
Thank you, Margaret.
78
00:04:55,727 --> 00:05:00,562
Now, for once, it's Margaret who's
starting to get on Victor's nerves,
79
00:05:00,607 --> 00:05:04,202
all over nothing at all,
the way it so often is.
80
00:05:04,247 --> 00:05:06,397
And as fate would have it,
81
00:05:06,447 --> 00:05:10,440
things were due to get steadily worse
as the day wore on.
82
00:05:13,847 --> 00:05:18,125
- Morning, Mr Meldrew. Hard at it?
- How did you...
83
00:05:18,167 --> 00:05:21,204
l moved it further down to save
trampling your pansies.
84
00:05:21,247 --> 00:05:23,807
How extremely considerate of you.
85
00:05:23,847 --> 00:05:28,318
l popped by to give you this. Saturday
at three, our annual summer fete.
86
00:05:28,367 --> 00:05:31,757
Now, we've got all the old favourites.
Mrs Giddy's home-made Spam
87
00:05:31,807 --> 00:05:34,321
and Mr Dobkin's stall
of neo-fascist insignia.
88
00:05:34,367 --> 00:05:35,800
lt's all in a good cause.
89
00:05:35,847 --> 00:05:39,442
Unfortunately, l think l've got
something on this Saturday.
90
00:05:39,487 --> 00:05:43,275
As you'll see, we've got a famous
television celebrity opening it for us.
91
00:05:43,327 --> 00:05:46,364
l've forgotten her name.
She's in that coffee commercial.
92
00:05:46,407 --> 00:05:49,046
The two neighbours,
will they or won't they?
93
00:05:49,087 --> 00:05:52,079
We persuaded her
to sell kisses at 50p a time.
94
00:05:52,127 --> 00:05:56,359
So, er...that should be a bit of fun.
She's quite a glamorous lady, l believe.
95
00:05:56,407 --> 00:05:58,602
Yes, l believe...
96
00:05:58,647 --> 00:06:01,798
l'd better dash. l've got my pigeons
being delivered today.
97
00:06:01,847 --> 00:06:05,635
l hope you'll pop round later.
l'm sure you'll want to give your opinion.
98
00:06:05,687 --> 00:06:07,279
Yes, l'm sure l will.
99
00:06:14,007 --> 00:06:20,162
Okey-dokey, so that's Mr Swainey, 259,
Mrs Meldrew, 236,
100
00:06:20,207 --> 00:06:22,198
and Mr Meldrew, 12.
101
00:06:23,087 --> 00:06:24,679
Would he like another game?
102
00:06:24,727 --> 00:06:29,721
l imagine it's probably past
his bedtime by now, actually.
103
00:06:29,767 --> 00:06:31,962
l must say,
that was very bad luck he had.
104
00:06:32,007 --> 00:06:35,602
l don't think l've ever seen
anyone pick up seven E's before.
105
00:06:35,647 --> 00:06:38,207
lt must be a record.
106
00:06:38,247 --> 00:06:41,080
Oh, incidentally, Mr Meldrew,
l meant to warn you,
107
00:06:41,127 --> 00:06:43,322
don't use the white hand towel in there.
108
00:06:43,367 --> 00:06:45,164
l've got a contagious skin disease
109
00:06:45,207 --> 00:06:48,358
that erupts all down
the backs of the arms and legs.
110
00:06:48,407 --> 00:06:50,762
lt's not a lot of fun, unfortunately.
111
00:06:51,807 --> 00:06:55,402
Now, anyone fancy
a game of charades at all?
112
00:06:55,447 --> 00:07:00,282
Oh, well, to be honest, l think it's time we
were getting back. Thanks all the same...
113
00:07:00,327 --> 00:07:03,717
- (Banging, bell rings, horn)
- Shush. Just a minute if you would.
114
00:07:03,767 --> 00:07:07,157
l think Mother's woken up, by
the sound of it. She wants something.
115
00:07:07,207 --> 00:07:11,644
(Banging, bell rings, horn and whistle)
116
00:07:11,687 --> 00:07:14,042
That was two clumps
with her walking stick,
117
00:07:14,087 --> 00:07:17,159
two rings on the bell, two hoots
on the horn and one whistle.
118
00:07:17,207 --> 00:07:19,004
Right, where's the code book?
119
00:07:19,047 --> 00:07:22,198
Clump-clump, ding-ding,
honk-honk, peep.
120
00:07:22,247 --> 00:07:24,044
Er...
121
00:07:24,087 --> 00:07:27,682
Clump-clump, ding-ding,
honk-honk, peep.
122
00:07:27,727 --> 00:07:32,562
''Help. l'm being attacked by two
masked gunmen with blunt objects.''
123
00:07:32,607 --> 00:07:35,167
l don't think that's it.
She probably means
124
00:07:35,207 --> 00:07:37,562
clump-clump, ding-ding,
peep-peep, honk.
125
00:07:37,607 --> 00:07:42,044
''Please bring me up a digestive biscuit.''
l'll be back in two shakes of a lamb's tail.
126
00:07:42,087 --> 00:07:46,956
Well, now might be as good a moment
as any for us to wend our way, actually.
127
00:07:47,007 --> 00:07:51,603
Are you sure? Oh, well, it's been a treat
having you. We must do it again soon.
128
00:07:51,647 --> 00:07:54,878
Yes, we will. You come to us. lt'll be fun.
129
00:07:54,927 --> 00:07:56,918
Thanks, yes. That would be nice.
130
00:07:56,967 --> 00:07:59,959
Are you sure you don't want
to take a pigeon back with you?
131
00:08:00,007 --> 00:08:01,599
They're nice cold.
132
00:08:01,647 --> 00:08:06,084
Er...thanks. l think l've eaten enough
for one night. So, good night, then.
133
00:08:06,127 --> 00:08:08,561
Oh, good night, then,
and bye, Mrs Meldrew.
134
00:08:08,607 --> 00:08:11,167
Bye, and thanks for everything.
135
00:08:12,047 --> 00:08:15,881
(Horn, whistle, bell and crashing)
136
00:08:16,967 --> 00:08:21,085
Right you are but don't aggravate it.
lt probably just needs a poultice.
137
00:08:21,127 --> 00:08:24,278
l'll go and put a flannel
in the sandwich toaster.
138
00:08:40,887 --> 00:08:42,957
The Boston Strangler.
139
00:08:43,007 --> 00:08:46,602
Yes. That was an easy one, l'm afraid.
140
00:08:46,647 --> 00:08:48,877
Do you mind if l pop
a drop more ice in here?
141
00:08:48,927 --> 00:08:50,918
- Help yourself.
- (Coughs)
142
00:08:53,287 --> 00:08:55,278
Thank you very much for that.
143
00:08:55,327 --> 00:08:58,478
Why don't you just mime
The Texas Chainsaw Massacre
144
00:08:58,527 --> 00:09:00,722
and put us all out of our misery?
145
00:09:01,887 --> 00:09:04,447
When you said he could come
round here next time,
146
00:09:04,487 --> 00:09:07,797
l didn't expect it to be 15 minutes later.
147
00:09:07,847 --> 00:09:10,998
- Two bloody hours he's been here...
- Here we are.
148
00:09:11,047 --> 00:09:14,437
Now, you will tell me
if l'm keeping either of you up?
149
00:09:14,487 --> 00:09:17,638
Yes, that was a good film,
The Boston Strangler.
150
00:09:17,687 --> 00:09:21,475
- Did you ever see it? Tony Curtis.
- l think we saw it in London.
151
00:09:21,527 --> 00:09:24,963
That's the one where he was
sexually molested by a monkey.
152
00:09:25,007 --> 00:09:27,362
Was he? l don't remember that.
153
00:09:27,407 --> 00:09:29,602
Not Tony Curtis. Victor.
154
00:09:33,687 --> 00:09:36,599
As we were standing
in the queue outside.
155
00:09:36,647 --> 00:09:41,118
You know those buskers with a monkey
that holds out the cap for the money?
156
00:09:41,167 --> 00:09:45,524
Well, it leapt on Victor
like a thing possessed.
157
00:09:46,287 --> 00:09:50,246
lt took three buckets of water
before they could drag it off.
158
00:09:52,407 --> 00:09:54,398
Do you remember?
159
00:09:55,567 --> 00:09:58,718
l'm hardly likely to forget it, am l?
160
00:09:59,767 --> 00:10:04,363
And l think we can spare Mr Swainey
all the lurid details if you don't mind.
161
00:10:04,407 --> 00:10:10,437
Put him anywhere near a monkey
and they go wild with excitement.
162
00:10:10,487 --> 00:10:13,797
Chimpanzees, orang-utans, the lot.
163
00:10:13,847 --> 00:10:17,635
We never have fathomed out
why they find him so erotic.
164
00:10:17,687 --> 00:10:20,247
l did think of writing to Desmond Morris.
165
00:10:21,047 --> 00:10:24,642
- Right. Now l know, don't l?
- Know what?
166
00:10:24,687 --> 00:10:28,965
Why all those biddies were laughing
this morning when l peeled that banana.
167
00:10:30,047 --> 00:10:33,642
lt's so nice to know that
every embarrassing detail of my life
168
00:10:33,687 --> 00:10:36,599
has been broadcast to the world
by those closest to me.
169
00:10:36,647 --> 00:10:38,842
Victor Meldrew, the complete idiot.
170
00:10:38,887 --> 00:10:42,038
He's always good for a laugh,
just ask his wife.
171
00:10:45,047 --> 00:10:47,038
(Sniggers)
172
00:10:50,727 --> 00:10:52,524
(Door slams)
173
00:10:53,447 --> 00:10:56,803
Where have you been,
up since the crack of dawn?
174
00:10:56,847 --> 00:11:01,318
l thought l'd beat the rush at
the supermarket. One pair of tights.
175
00:11:03,887 --> 00:11:06,526
Where's the, er...street map?
176
00:11:06,567 --> 00:11:08,478
lt should be there, in that drawer.
177
00:11:09,887 --> 00:11:13,038
l've just spoken to Mum.
She said she's read somewhere
178
00:11:13,087 --> 00:11:15,442
the world's coming to an end
Saturday morning
179
00:11:15,487 --> 00:11:18,126
and do we want to buy
her electric kettle?
180
00:11:18,927 --> 00:11:23,079
l think l'd better go up there
Saturday afternoon, have a quiet word,
181
00:11:23,127 --> 00:11:25,322
if you don't mind being left on your own.
182
00:11:25,367 --> 00:11:27,676
You could always go
to Mr Swainey's fete.
183
00:11:27,727 --> 00:11:29,285
What fete's that?
184
00:11:29,327 --> 00:11:34,162
He said they're going to have that
coffee commercial girl there this year.
185
00:11:34,207 --> 00:11:39,281
That glamorous blonde with the pouting
lips you're always moaning about.
186
00:11:39,327 --> 00:11:41,318
(Tuts) Really? Her.
187
00:11:42,887 --> 00:11:47,438
Well, l suppose l'd better go along,
or l'll never hear the last of it.
188
00:11:48,447 --> 00:11:49,880
What are you looking up?
189
00:11:49,927 --> 00:11:55,479
l saw a card on the wall in Sainsbury's
advertising a pair of black shoes.
190
00:11:55,527 --> 00:11:59,998
See what they're like at any rate.
Magwych Crescent, right.
191
00:12:00,047 --> 00:12:04,165
And then l'm going up to town
to buy that Noel Edmonds sweater.
192
00:12:04,207 --> 00:12:06,004
l see.
193
00:12:07,007 --> 00:12:11,125
Just to be obstinate,
you're going to pollute the environment
194
00:12:11,167 --> 00:12:13,203
with that eyesore, are you?
195
00:12:13,247 --> 00:12:15,966
Off a knitting pattern from hell.
196
00:12:16,007 --> 00:12:20,125
lt's a wonder the girls who handle them
aren't given safety goggles.
197
00:12:21,127 --> 00:12:25,598
You wear what you want, Margaret.
l'll wear what l want.
198
00:12:35,967 --> 00:12:37,958
- Yes.
- Oh, hello.
199
00:12:38,007 --> 00:12:40,965
l believe you've got a pair
of black shoes for sale.
200
00:12:41,007 --> 00:12:43,726
Oh, yes. Please come in, won't you?
201
00:12:43,767 --> 00:12:45,758
Thank you.
202
00:12:50,327 --> 00:12:54,445
That was very quick. l only phoned
the details through an hour ago.
203
00:12:54,487 --> 00:12:58,605
Well, l just lost a perfectly good pair
myself at the shoe menders.
204
00:12:58,647 --> 00:13:01,480
And you say they're almost new?
205
00:13:01,527 --> 00:13:04,519
Oh, brand-new.
They're just about a week old.
206
00:13:04,567 --> 00:13:07,559
You see, l'm afraid
my husband's just died
207
00:13:07,607 --> 00:13:10,997
and well, l shan't have
any use for them, obviously.
208
00:13:11,047 --> 00:13:12,958
Oh, dear. l'm sorry to hear that.
209
00:13:13,007 --> 00:13:16,602
- Come through and try them on.
- Thanks very much.
210
00:13:24,847 --> 00:13:27,839
Yes, it's all been a bit
sudden and upsetting, of course,
211
00:13:27,887 --> 00:13:32,165
but you have to pluck up
the courage, don't you?
212
00:13:32,207 --> 00:13:34,004
Go on with life.
213
00:13:34,047 --> 00:13:36,402
That's what he was always
drumming into me
214
00:13:36,447 --> 00:13:40,679
and...l'm sure that's
what he'd have wanted.
215
00:13:41,607 --> 00:13:45,202
Er...eight and a half,
that was your size, wasn't it?
216
00:13:47,687 --> 00:13:49,678
Mmm?
217
00:13:51,327 --> 00:13:53,045
Yes. Yes.
218
00:15:57,927 --> 00:15:59,918
(Doorbell)
219
00:16:08,247 --> 00:16:11,159
(Mrs Warboys)
Evening, Mr Meldrew. l can't stay long.
220
00:16:11,207 --> 00:16:13,198
(Victor) Right you are. Bye.
221
00:16:16,687 --> 00:16:18,678
(Doorbell)
222
00:16:23,247 --> 00:16:27,718
(Mrs Warboys) Erm...Margaret did say
she wanted to borrow this recipe book.
223
00:16:27,767 --> 00:16:31,237
(Victor) You'd better wait for her.
She's not back from work yet.
224
00:16:31,287 --> 00:16:34,245
Oh, really. Why's that?
225
00:16:34,287 --> 00:16:36,926
l haven't the faintest idea. Ask her.
226
00:16:36,967 --> 00:16:40,357
She's probably recording
a Newsnight interview with Peter Snow
227
00:16:40,407 --> 00:16:42,602
about how much l snore in bed.
228
00:16:42,647 --> 00:16:45,559
Unusual for her to be this late.
229
00:16:45,607 --> 00:16:49,395
Perhaps l'll give the shop a ring,
see if she's still there.
230
00:16:49,447 --> 00:16:54,521
Perhaps she's planning to sell me off to
a circus. That's all l'm fit for these days.
231
00:16:54,567 --> 00:16:58,355
Marriage...l can see why
people don't bother with it any more.
232
00:16:58,407 --> 00:17:03,242
''Yes, l agree to take this man for richer,
for poorer, in sickness and in health,
233
00:17:03,287 --> 00:17:07,405
''till death do us part, when l can
get a good price for his shoes.''
234
00:17:08,887 --> 00:17:13,722
l can throw myself under a steamroller,
she can use me as a hearth rug.
235
00:17:14,847 --> 00:17:17,998
- Mr Meldrew...
- Do you want a cup of tea?
236
00:17:18,047 --> 00:17:22,882
Mr Meldrew, l just spoke
to the manageress at the florists.
237
00:17:22,927 --> 00:17:25,885
She was still there,
doing some paperwork.
238
00:17:25,927 --> 00:17:30,955
She said Margaret never turned up
for work there this morning.
239
00:17:31,567 --> 00:17:34,718
Nobody's seen
or heard anything of her all day.
240
00:17:36,487 --> 00:17:39,524
Naturally, it was a terrible shock.
241
00:17:39,567 --> 00:17:42,127
We couldn't imagine what had happened.
242
00:17:42,167 --> 00:17:45,318
She'd left the house at 8:30 as usual.
243
00:17:45,367 --> 00:17:47,722
Where could she have got to?
244
00:17:49,927 --> 00:17:54,045
Well, for the next couple of hours,
we were hardly off the phone.
245
00:17:54,087 --> 00:17:56,282
ringing everyone we could think of.
246
00:17:56,327 --> 00:17:59,524
Her mother, friends,
relatives, neighbours.
247
00:17:59,567 --> 00:18:03,355
Nobody had seen
or heard from her or anything.
248
00:18:04,607 --> 00:18:07,599
By midnight, she still hadn't come home
249
00:18:07,647 --> 00:18:11,242
and naturally, by then,
we had to call in the police.
250
00:18:11,287 --> 00:18:15,405
l volunteered to stay over
in case there was anything l could do.
251
00:18:15,447 --> 00:18:18,439
But, of course, there wasn't.
252
00:18:19,327 --> 00:18:22,478
Neither of us got
a wink of sleep all night long.
253
00:18:23,887 --> 00:18:28,005
The morning came round,
there was still no sign of her.
254
00:18:28,847 --> 00:18:35,195
And then, it must have been about half
past five in the afternoon, l suppose,
255
00:18:35,247 --> 00:18:37,886
we got a phone call that just about
256
00:18:37,927 --> 00:18:40,646
scared the living daylights
out of both of us.
257
00:18:40,687 --> 00:18:42,484
Hello?
258
00:18:45,967 --> 00:18:47,559
lt's the police.
259
00:18:53,047 --> 00:18:56,926
They've found Margaret's raincoat
down by the canal.
260
00:19:02,287 --> 00:19:04,084
(Police radio)
261
00:19:04,127 --> 00:19:06,118
We fished it out and, er...
262
00:19:07,287 --> 00:19:09,847
we found an old receipt in the pocket.
263
00:19:09,887 --> 00:19:12,606
We matched it against
her Access number.
264
00:19:12,647 --> 00:19:16,003
l'm sorry to have called you
out here like this, Mr Meldrew.
265
00:19:17,007 --> 00:19:20,158
Yes, it's...her coat.
266
00:19:22,727 --> 00:19:26,322
There's nothing
we can do here, Mr Meldrew.
267
00:19:26,367 --> 00:19:29,006
Why don't you come
to my place for a bit?
268
00:19:29,047 --> 00:19:31,038
Try and get some rest.
269
00:19:32,847 --> 00:19:35,805
No, thank you, Mrs Warboys.
l think, erm...
270
00:19:35,847 --> 00:19:39,442
l'd rather be on my own
for a bit, if you don't mind.
271
00:19:44,087 --> 00:19:46,078
(Police radio)
272
00:21:00,167 --> 00:21:03,955
Shut the door properly,
or it'll just flap in the draught.
273
00:21:04,007 --> 00:21:05,998
Sorry.
274
00:21:10,847 --> 00:21:12,838
l...
275
00:21:12,887 --> 00:21:14,878
Wh...
276
00:21:14,927 --> 00:21:17,999
Where the bloody hell have you been to?
277
00:21:19,167 --> 00:21:21,362
Why? Were you worried about me?
278
00:21:22,287 --> 00:21:25,438
Worried? Where have you been?
279
00:21:25,487 --> 00:21:28,399
- Margate.
- Where?
280
00:21:28,447 --> 00:21:32,998
- You know, on the north coast of Kent.
- l know where sodding Margate is.
281
00:21:33,047 --> 00:21:35,686
What the hell were you doing there? l...
282
00:21:35,727 --> 00:21:38,082
l-l've had police dragging rivers
283
00:21:38,127 --> 00:21:41,722
and combing the countryside
with sniffer dogs for you.
284
00:21:41,767 --> 00:21:46,283
l mean... l... What in God's name
did you think you were playing at?
285
00:21:46,927 --> 00:21:49,646
- Come to bed.
- What?
286
00:21:49,687 --> 00:21:51,598
Come to bed.
287
00:21:52,247 --> 00:21:54,238
l... You mean...
288
00:21:55,647 --> 00:21:59,765
What... What happened?
Are you all right or what?
289
00:21:59,807 --> 00:22:01,798
Of course l'm all right.
290
00:22:03,207 --> 00:22:06,802
l just needed to escape for a bit.
291
00:22:06,847 --> 00:22:09,645
You know, how you do sometimes.
292
00:22:09,687 --> 00:22:13,282
lt was a complete
spur of the moment thing.
293
00:22:13,327 --> 00:22:18,401
l was walking past that office yesterday
morning, the one that does coach tours,
294
00:22:18,447 --> 00:22:22,235
and l saw a sign, ''Two days in Margate.''
295
00:22:23,087 --> 00:22:25,078
So l just got on it and went.
296
00:22:26,087 --> 00:22:28,442
l did think of ringing you
when l got there
297
00:22:28,487 --> 00:22:30,955
but that would have
defeated the whole object.
298
00:22:32,327 --> 00:22:34,124
Defeated what object?
299
00:22:35,247 --> 00:22:37,966
We went there for our third anniversary.
300
00:22:38,007 --> 00:22:39,998
Do you remember?
301
00:22:40,047 --> 00:22:46,236
And you took me to
that huge funfair place. Dreamland.
302
00:22:46,287 --> 00:22:48,847
We were a couple of excited children.
303
00:22:48,887 --> 00:22:51,685
We got stuck in
the hall of mirrors for over an hour.
304
00:22:51,727 --> 00:22:54,446
The man had to come in and get us.
305
00:22:54,487 --> 00:22:56,682
And you said you didn't mind.
306
00:22:56,727 --> 00:23:00,845
You said you were happy to stay there
and look at all the reflections of me.
307
00:23:01,847 --> 00:23:03,838
Did l?
308
00:23:07,167 --> 00:23:12,002
Funny how the sea can stir up memories.
309
00:23:13,367 --> 00:23:15,722
Cos that's where l remembered it,
310
00:23:15,767 --> 00:23:19,077
sitting there
on the front yesterday afternoon.
311
00:23:20,247 --> 00:23:22,602
Suddenly it all came back to me.
312
00:23:23,687 --> 00:23:26,997
And suddenly l understood it.
313
00:23:28,007 --> 00:23:30,441
You know, that nightmare.
314
00:23:32,447 --> 00:23:34,642
What all came back to you?
315
00:23:38,567 --> 00:23:43,641
When l was five years old,
we had two budgies
316
00:23:43,687 --> 00:23:48,522
that l always felt sorry for,
locked up all the while in the same cage.
317
00:23:48,567 --> 00:23:54,358
And one day, l tried to let them out
for a fly round the room.
318
00:23:55,687 --> 00:23:57,678
But one of them wouldn't come.
319
00:23:58,927 --> 00:24:04,718
And l got hold of its wing and tried to tug
it but it just kept clinging on to the bars
320
00:24:04,767 --> 00:24:09,602
and squawking and just refused
to come out of the cage.
321
00:24:10,487 --> 00:24:14,719
The other one flew
straight out like a rocket,
322
00:24:14,767 --> 00:24:19,602
straight across the room,
crashed into the window and killed itself.
323
00:24:21,687 --> 00:24:24,042
The next day at school,
324
00:24:24,087 --> 00:24:27,682
we were asked to write a story about
something that had happened to us
325
00:24:27,727 --> 00:24:31,083
and...l wrote my story about the budgies.
326
00:24:33,047 --> 00:24:36,437
And the teacher, Mr Philips,
327
00:24:36,487 --> 00:24:40,082
made me read it out loud
in front of the whole class.
328
00:24:41,487 --> 00:24:43,478
And everyone laughed.
329
00:24:45,327 --> 00:24:48,922
And l knew he'd done it deliberately.
330
00:24:48,967 --> 00:24:50,958
Just to be cruel to me...
331
00:24:52,127 --> 00:24:55,039
because, basically, he was a bastard.
332
00:24:58,567 --> 00:25:01,718
And he was bald with white hair.
333
00:25:03,487 --> 00:25:06,877
And l remember thinking,
even at that age,
334
00:25:06,927 --> 00:25:10,886
how much l wanted
to batter him to death.
335
00:25:12,687 --> 00:25:18,239
And the next day,
when Mum tried to take me to school,
336
00:25:18,287 --> 00:25:20,278
l refused to go.
337
00:25:20,327 --> 00:25:22,966
She kept smacking me
and trying to drag me out
338
00:25:23,007 --> 00:25:29,446
and l kept hanging on to the front door,
screaming and kicking,
339
00:25:29,487 --> 00:25:34,720
because now l knew how horrible
everything was out there.
340
00:25:35,727 --> 00:25:40,005
And l knew why the other budgie
hadn't wanted to leave the cage...
341
00:25:41,727 --> 00:25:45,515
because l suppose he knew
he was better off where he was.
342
00:25:47,687 --> 00:25:53,478
But...they found
your green raincoat by the canal.
343
00:25:53,527 --> 00:25:55,722
Did they?
344
00:25:55,767 --> 00:25:58,804
What do you mean, ''Did they?''
How did it get there?
345
00:25:59,847 --> 00:26:04,921
l haven't worn that coat for two years
and last week l gave it to a jumble sale.
346
00:26:07,087 --> 00:26:10,124
You never did notice
anything l was wearing.
347
00:26:12,367 --> 00:26:15,006
Well...night-night.
348
00:26:18,407 --> 00:26:20,398
Night.
349
00:26:33,447 --> 00:26:39,841
Tomorrow afternoon, at the fete, when
you go up to that girl for your kiss...
350
00:26:40,687 --> 00:26:42,678
have a couple on me.
351
00:26:49,967 --> 00:26:52,686
OK, ladies and gentlemen,
the big moment now.
352
00:26:52,727 --> 00:26:57,357
The lovely actress and star of
all those famous coffee commercials
353
00:26:57,407 --> 00:27:02,481
couldn't make it after all today
due to a mix-up over her booking dates.
354
00:27:02,527 --> 00:27:06,645
But at very short notice, we're thrilled
to welcome another young lady,
355
00:27:06,687 --> 00:27:10,123
just as famous, l think,
from a tea commercial.
356
00:27:10,167 --> 00:27:15,161
So l'm sure you'll all give her
a very warm welcome as l introduce...
357
00:27:15,967 --> 00:27:18,162
Sorry. Erm...
358
00:27:18,207 --> 00:27:20,198
She was here a minute ago.
359
00:27:21,167 --> 00:27:23,158
Where's she wandered off to?
360
00:27:23,967 --> 00:27:25,958
(Monkey chattering)
361
00:27:32,967 --> 00:27:34,764
Oh, erm...
362
00:27:34,807 --> 00:27:36,604
(Monkey screeches)
363
00:27:37,487 --> 00:27:39,478
Oh, dear.
364
00:27:52,967 --> 00:27:58,121
And l gather it took three buckets
of water before they could get her off.
365
00:28:03,887 --> 00:28:06,082
l'd better dash.
366
00:28:06,127 --> 00:28:11,918
As l say, l'd rather all this
didn't go any further, if you would,
367
00:28:11,967 --> 00:28:17,041
because a lot of it was told to me
in the strictest confidence, so....
368
00:28:17,087 --> 00:28:19,078
All the best to you both, then.
369
00:28:20,567 --> 00:28:21,966
- Bye.
- Bye.
370
00:28:22,007 --> 00:28:24,362
Bye.
371
00:28:24,407 --> 00:28:26,967
- Nice woman.
- Yes.
372
00:28:27,007 --> 00:28:28,998
l wonder who she was.
373
00:28:33,687 --> 00:28:37,362
# They say l might as well face the truth
374
00:28:37,407 --> 00:28:40,444
# That l am just too long in the tooth
375
00:28:40,487 --> 00:28:43,843
# l've started to deteriorate
376
00:28:43,887 --> 00:28:47,436
# And now l've passed
my own sell-by date
377
00:28:47,487 --> 00:28:51,275
# Oh, l am no spring chicken, it's true
378
00:28:51,327 --> 00:28:54,763
# l have to pop my teeth in to chew
379
00:28:54,807 --> 00:28:58,038
# And my old knees
have started to knock
380
00:28:58,087 --> 00:29:01,477
# l've just got
too many miles on the clock
381
00:29:01,527 --> 00:29:05,361
# So l'm a wrinkly, crinkly, set in my ways
382
00:29:05,407 --> 00:29:08,797
# lt's true that my body
has seen better days
383
00:29:08,847 --> 00:29:12,886
# But give me half a chance
and l can still misbehave
384
00:29:12,927 --> 00:29:15,282
# One foot in the grave
385
00:29:16,407 --> 00:29:18,682
# One foot in the grave
386
00:29:19,687 --> 00:29:22,281
# One foot in the grave #