1
00:00:03,047 --> 00:00:06,437
# They say l might as well face the truth
2
00:00:06,487 --> 00:00:09,923
# That l am just too long in the tooth
3
00:00:09,967 --> 00:00:13,403
# So l'm an OAP and weak-kneed
4
00:00:13,447 --> 00:00:16,837
# But l have not yet quite gone to seed
5
00:00:16,887 --> 00:00:20,926
# l may be over the hill,
now that l have retired
6
00:00:20,967 --> 00:00:24,243
# Fading away, but l'm not yet expired
7
00:00:24,287 --> 00:00:28,405
# Clapped out, run down, too old to save
8
00:00:28,447 --> 00:00:30,517
# One foot in the grave #
9
00:00:33,767 --> 00:00:36,281
(Cheering on TV)
10
00:00:36,327 --> 00:00:39,478
Two special fried rice
and two sweet and sour chicken balls.
11
00:00:39,527 --> 00:00:41,802
Ten minute. Thank you, sir. Bye.
12
00:00:53,767 --> 00:00:55,883
(Arguing in Chinese)
13
00:01:06,287 --> 00:01:08,847
Ha-ya!
14
00:01:08,887 --> 00:01:11,355
(Shouts in Chinese)
15
00:01:11,407 --> 00:01:13,398
(All speak Chinese)
16
00:01:50,607 --> 00:01:52,404
Sorry, sorry.
17
00:01:58,567 --> 00:02:00,080
(Speaks Chinese)
18
00:02:06,087 --> 00:02:09,079
Two stewed chicken and...
two boiled rice!
19
00:02:10,327 --> 00:02:12,841
That's for you, sir.
20
00:02:12,887 --> 00:02:14,878
ls it?
21
00:02:16,367 --> 00:02:18,323
Bon appetit.
22
00:02:18,367 --> 00:02:21,962
Yes, right. Thanks very much.
23
00:02:39,807 --> 00:02:44,323
Just so long as it's established l'm not
happy with the arrangement, that's all.
24
00:02:44,367 --> 00:02:48,155
You seen this?
They've found a mummified caveman
25
00:02:48,207 --> 00:02:50,675
inside a block of ice in Siberia.
26
00:02:50,727 --> 00:02:55,005
''Perfectly preserved,
he's over 12,000 years old.''
27
00:02:55,807 --> 00:02:59,277
He's the spitting image of Mr Meldrew!
28
00:03:00,327 --> 00:03:04,639
l'd forgotten what he did with that
tortoise that was entrusted to his care.
29
00:03:04,687 --> 00:03:08,521
Ran straight out the back and started
toasting it on a garden fork.
30
00:03:08,567 --> 00:03:10,080
Poor little bugger.
31
00:03:10,127 --> 00:03:13,961
We might just as well ask the Terminator
to come in and water our plants.
32
00:03:14,007 --> 00:03:15,326
l'd sleep a lot easier.
33
00:03:15,367 --> 00:03:17,881
- Did you hear me? Look!
- Where?
34
00:03:17,927 --> 00:03:20,361
Next to the advert!
35
00:03:20,407 --> 00:03:24,605
l can see the picture of Mr Meldrew.
Where's the mummified caveman?
36
00:03:25,607 --> 00:03:29,122
l told you not to go
to that one by the canal.
37
00:03:29,647 --> 00:03:34,118
They've had the pest controller in there
three times this year to my knowledge.
38
00:03:34,167 --> 00:03:37,045
Pest control?
They need the Pied Piper of Hamlyn!
39
00:03:38,047 --> 00:03:41,562
And l noticed those women
are still hanging about in there.
40
00:03:41,607 --> 00:03:45,646
Might as well stick a red light
over the front door and be done with it.
41
00:03:46,247 --> 00:03:48,124
What, prostitutes?
42
00:03:48,167 --> 00:03:52,160
Prostitutes? l didn't know
whose price list to ask for first!
43
00:03:53,727 --> 00:03:58,517
Skirts up to their nostrils, you know
they're not waiting for crispy duck.
44
00:03:59,887 --> 00:04:04,244
Yuck. l've got evidence against him
on both counts this time.
45
00:04:04,287 --> 00:04:07,165
- What evidence?
- Exhibits A and B.
46
00:04:07,207 --> 00:04:11,166
We'll see what the Trading Standards
Department has to say about that.
47
00:04:12,127 --> 00:04:14,118
Lucky no one was wearing them.
48
00:04:16,687 --> 00:04:18,359
What's that supposed to mean?
49
00:04:18,407 --> 00:04:23,435
Oh, by the way, your brother Alfred
phoned from the airport.
50
00:04:23,487 --> 00:04:27,036
He says he wants you to do a bit of
shopping in London tomorrow,
51
00:04:27,087 --> 00:04:29,647
he'll get here about three.
52
00:04:29,687 --> 00:04:33,236
Sounded a bit dopey.
Still, it's jet lag, l expect.
53
00:04:33,287 --> 00:04:36,006
That's not jet lag, he's always dopey.
54
00:04:36,047 --> 00:04:37,844
The same when you ring him up.
55
00:04:37,887 --> 00:04:41,880
His voice sounds as distant as anything
and he can't hear a word you're saying.
56
00:04:41,927 --> 00:04:44,282
That's because it's an international line.
57
00:04:44,327 --> 00:04:47,285
That's because he's holding the phone
upside down.
58
00:04:47,327 --> 00:04:50,763
lf you ever wondered what it's like
to be trapped in a house
59
00:04:50,807 --> 00:04:53,560
with Stan Laurel for two weeks,
you'll soon find out.
60
00:04:53,607 --> 00:04:56,440
You could at least make a bit of effort
while he's here.
61
00:04:56,487 --> 00:04:59,957
l would have thought, after 25 years,
you'd be thrilled to bits.
62
00:05:00,007 --> 00:05:02,805
You lose touch with people, Margaret.
63
00:05:02,847 --> 00:05:04,883
We've nothing in common any more.
64
00:05:04,927 --> 00:05:10,047
lt's just one of those awful family rituals
where you're both too embarrassed to...
65
00:05:10,087 --> 00:05:14,365
Hello! Ooh, l hope we're not interrupting.
66
00:05:14,407 --> 00:05:16,682
Just thought we'd drop the keys round
67
00:05:16,727 --> 00:05:19,924
and talk you through a couple of things
for next week.
68
00:05:19,967 --> 00:05:23,323
Oh, right. Come through
to the sitting room, l'll get my note pad.
69
00:05:23,367 --> 00:05:25,881
We're all at sixes and sevens
ourselves here,
70
00:05:25,927 --> 00:05:31,001
because Victor's brother's over from
New Zealand to stay for a fortnight...
71
00:05:48,847 --> 00:05:53,637
- You well?
- Yes.
72
00:05:53,687 --> 00:05:55,678
Yes, l am.
73
00:05:59,927 --> 00:06:01,838
OK, so you've got your computer, yeah?
74
00:06:02,167 --> 00:06:05,318
You've got your database
software package, your laser printer,
75
00:06:05,407 --> 00:06:07,967
your fax, photocopier,
and your cartridges.
76
00:06:08,007 --> 00:06:12,239
Oh, and we mustn't forget
your warranty agreement, must we?
77
00:06:12,287 --> 00:06:16,485
Memo, get Samantha to organise
three-year extended warranty agreement
78
00:06:16,527 --> 00:06:20,566
for Mr Victor Meldrew
on his M-240 computer package.
79
00:06:21,447 --> 00:06:24,519
OK, then.
l just need three signatures from you,
80
00:06:24,567 --> 00:06:26,797
and a small cheque, l'm afraid.
81
00:06:26,847 --> 00:06:28,838
Right. How much was it again?
82
00:06:28,887 --> 00:06:32,436
L7,962.45, if you could, please.
83
00:06:32,487 --> 00:06:34,284
Oof!
84
00:06:34,327 --> 00:06:37,080
Oh, and we mustn't forget
your service contract.
85
00:06:37,887 --> 00:06:42,483
Memo, get Samantha to organise service
agreement for Mr Victor Meldrew,
86
00:06:42,527 --> 00:06:44,836
two years from date of purchase.
87
00:06:45,727 --> 00:06:48,241
Oh, lovely wallpaper, l must say.
88
00:06:49,087 --> 00:06:52,363
That's magic, sir. Thank you.
l'll just give you a receipt.
89
00:06:53,447 --> 00:06:56,086
What's this?
ls this some sort of joke, or what?
90
00:06:56,127 --> 00:06:58,436
- A joke? Sorry?
- This signature.
91
00:06:58,487 --> 00:07:01,923
lt says, ''You daft,
dawdling old arsehole''.
92
00:07:04,167 --> 00:07:08,046
Er, no. l think that's what you called me
last week, wasn't it?
93
00:07:08,087 --> 00:07:11,363
When you nearly carved me up
on that dual carriageway.
94
00:07:11,407 --> 00:07:12,806
Last week?
95
00:07:12,847 --> 00:07:17,875
l was driving along at a steady 50
when you suddenly shot up my backside
96
00:07:17,927 --> 00:07:20,680
in your company Sierra,
flashed your lights,
97
00:07:20,727 --> 00:07:23,605
and virtually rammed my back bumper
for three miles.
98
00:07:24,527 --> 00:07:29,806
When you did overtake, that's what you
shouted through the passenger window.
99
00:07:29,847 --> 00:07:32,919
Noting your firm's details
on the car door,
100
00:07:32,967 --> 00:07:35,800
l took the liberty
of inviting you round here today
101
00:07:35,847 --> 00:07:40,125
just to deliberately waste your time
for the best part of an entire morning.
102
00:07:44,647 --> 00:07:46,638
l knew l'd seen your face before.
103
00:07:46,687 --> 00:07:50,726
l thought it was
that mummified caveman in the papers.
104
00:07:50,767 --> 00:07:53,486
l have five other appointments
this morning.
105
00:07:53,527 --> 00:07:56,246
Oh, well, you'd better get through them.
106
00:07:56,287 --> 00:07:59,165
Memo.
107
00:07:59,207 --> 00:08:03,280
Get Samantha to organise a new brain
for me as quickly as possible
108
00:08:03,327 --> 00:08:07,320
so l can learn to drive and not be
a bastard to everyone else on the roads.
109
00:08:08,687 --> 00:08:12,316
Now you can just bugger off out of it,
if you would be so kind!
110
00:08:16,647 --> 00:08:18,000
And...
111
00:08:19,047 --> 00:08:20,844
your wallpaper stinks.
112
00:08:29,287 --> 00:08:33,280
What was all that row? Are you taking
the law into your own hands again?
113
00:08:33,327 --> 00:08:35,443
You'll come a cropper one of these days,
114
00:08:35,487 --> 00:08:38,001
carrying on
like a one-man vigilante patrol.
115
00:08:38,047 --> 00:08:40,402
Just going to give the front lawn
a wee trim.
116
00:08:41,447 --> 00:08:43,563
Shall l pick up Alfred this afternoon?
117
00:08:43,607 --> 00:08:46,917
No, l'm going in anyway.
l think l'll recognise him.
118
00:08:46,967 --> 00:08:52,280
Well, if you have any trouble,
look for a man wearing a small grey hat,
119
00:08:52,327 --> 00:08:55,603
smoking a pipe,
who's forgotten to put his trousers on.
120
00:09:40,327 --> 00:09:44,286
lt might be a good idea not to tap
your pipe out on your hat, Alfred.
121
00:09:44,327 --> 00:09:47,160
- Not while it's still alight.
- Sorry?
122
00:09:47,207 --> 00:09:49,402
How was your coach trip in, by the way?
OK?
123
00:09:49,447 --> 00:09:53,076
Dreadful, did nothing but bump
and shake about all the way in.
124
00:09:53,127 --> 00:09:56,164
Can you find a place for this,
do you think?
125
00:09:56,207 --> 00:10:00,405
- Yes, l think we can.
- Only there was nowhere else to be sick.
126
00:10:40,007 --> 00:10:42,919
Oh, l don't believe it!
127
00:10:57,487 --> 00:10:59,921
Morning. l forgot to give you my si...
128
00:11:05,087 --> 00:11:07,203
My sister's phone number,
129
00:11:07,247 --> 00:11:09,238
in case of emergency.
130
00:11:15,607 --> 00:11:18,963
- Everything OK?
- Yes, pretty run-of-the-mill stuff, really.
131
00:11:19,007 --> 00:11:20,998
He was mowing the front room carpet.
132
00:11:21,047 --> 00:11:24,403
- He was what?
- Quite normal for him on a Monday.
133
00:11:24,447 --> 00:11:28,156
Probably planting begonias
in the video recorder by now.
134
00:11:28,207 --> 00:11:29,879
Even as we speak.
135
00:11:29,927 --> 00:11:32,521
l suppose that packet of condoms
in a mousetrap
136
00:11:32,567 --> 00:11:34,558
was still lying on the cheeseboard?
137
00:11:34,607 --> 00:11:36,598
l'm afraid it was.
138
00:11:37,447 --> 00:11:40,405
Well, better take a good look
at the house, darling.
139
00:11:40,447 --> 00:11:43,200
Could be the last time you see it
in its present form.
140
00:12:03,087 --> 00:12:07,319
ls there any more crap you want to sling
over people's gardens?
141
00:12:07,367 --> 00:12:11,804
Yes, you! The one who's had her bottom
pinched by Edward Scissorhands!
142
00:12:12,807 --> 00:12:16,482
This is a front lawn,
not a bloody can-recycling plant.
143
00:12:16,527 --> 00:12:20,486
Why don't you train him to empty
his potty over the front doorstep too?
144
00:12:20,527 --> 00:12:24,236
- Get back to waterin' your plants.
- Bloody bleached bimbos!
145
00:12:25,167 --> 00:12:27,965
l bet he drinks Carling Black Label.
146
00:12:52,567 --> 00:12:54,717
You're a mucky little pup, ain't you?
147
00:12:55,767 --> 00:12:57,758
Wait there!
148
00:12:57,807 --> 00:13:00,605
# Look on the bright side of life
149
00:13:00,647 --> 00:13:02,956
# Doo-doo, doo-doo, doo-doo, doo-doo #
150
00:13:57,727 --> 00:14:00,878
Auntie Gertie escaped again
the other week.
151
00:14:01,447 --> 00:14:03,324
Yes, you said in your last letter.
152
00:14:03,367 --> 00:14:06,564
- Sorry?
- You said so in your last letter.
153
00:14:06,607 --> 00:14:09,485
- l don't think l did, did l?
- Yes, you did, yes.
154
00:14:10,047 --> 00:14:12,083
- Sorry?
- Yes, you did.
155
00:14:12,127 --> 00:14:15,403
- Are you sure?
- Yes, l'm sure.
156
00:14:15,447 --> 00:14:18,837
l didn't say she'd escaped,
l said she'd tried to escape.
157
00:14:18,887 --> 00:14:20,764
No, you said she's actually escaped
158
00:14:20,807 --> 00:14:24,800
but they managed to capture her again
by dropping a net from a helicopter.
159
00:14:24,847 --> 00:14:27,236
- l don't remember telling you.
- How do l know about it?
160
00:14:27,287 --> 00:14:29,926
- Sorry?
- How do l know about it?
161
00:14:29,967 --> 00:14:33,846
Right. As this is a special occasion,
162
00:14:33,887 --> 00:14:36,879
l thought we might push the boat out
for a change,
163
00:14:36,927 --> 00:14:39,521
and have a little glass of something.
164
00:14:39,567 --> 00:14:40,966
There!
165
00:14:43,207 --> 00:14:46,199
Not with the barbiturates,
l won't, thank you, Margaret.
166
00:14:46,247 --> 00:14:49,717
- Oh. Right.
- You know it gives me colic.
167
00:14:50,807 --> 00:14:52,604
Oh. Right.
168
00:14:54,367 --> 00:14:55,959
Here's to you both, anyway.
169
00:14:56,007 --> 00:14:57,998
Cheers!
170
00:14:59,087 --> 00:15:01,078
- Cheers.
- Cheers.
171
00:15:03,087 --> 00:15:05,078
So how are you coping now, Victor?
172
00:15:05,127 --> 00:15:07,357
Bit of a big one, isn't it, retirement?
173
00:15:07,407 --> 00:15:10,080
Suddenly being thrown
onto the scrapheap of life.
174
00:15:10,127 --> 00:15:13,722
A prisoner in your own home
with no prospects, no purpose.
175
00:15:13,767 --> 00:15:17,555
Nothing left to live for.
lt's not getting you down, l hope.
176
00:15:18,607 --> 00:15:23,237
No, not at all. Most of the time l sit in
that chair over there, all day long.
177
00:15:23,287 --> 00:15:25,278
Just laughing.
178
00:15:26,687 --> 00:15:30,396
Doing cartwheels on the stairs
with sheer delight.
179
00:15:30,447 --> 00:15:35,077
Margaret'll tell you. And l'm not retired.
l'm just between jobs.
180
00:15:35,127 --> 00:15:38,005
- Sorry?
- Oh, God, l'll go and get a parrot.
181
00:15:40,527 --> 00:15:43,087
The moment l heard the news,
l said to Marion,
182
00:15:43,127 --> 00:15:45,163
''l've got to save up to go back there.
183
00:15:45,207 --> 00:15:48,404
''His life was miserable and empty
enough to start with.
184
00:15:48,447 --> 00:15:50,324
''He'll need me there to cheer him up.''
185
00:15:51,567 --> 00:15:54,559
Right. And now here you are.
186
00:15:54,607 --> 00:15:56,598
Large as life.
187
00:15:59,047 --> 00:16:03,325
You find you have to be more
philosophical about things now, Victor.
188
00:16:03,367 --> 00:16:04,925
Not be so hot-headed.
189
00:16:04,967 --> 00:16:10,041
Yes, that's sound advice, coming from a
man who goes about with his hat on fire.
190
00:16:10,087 --> 00:16:12,237
You mustn't get suicidal.
191
00:16:13,487 --> 00:16:15,284
- Who's suicidal?
- Sorry?
192
00:16:15,327 --> 00:16:19,206
- Who's suicidal?
- No use pretending, is it?
193
00:16:19,247 --> 00:16:22,922
You've been looking gloomy and fed up
since l set foot inside your house.
194
00:16:24,647 --> 00:16:26,319
Yes. Funny, that.
195
00:16:27,727 --> 00:16:31,242
lt can only mean l've got here
just at the right moment.
196
00:16:37,127 --> 00:16:39,516
Excuse me, just a second, would you?
197
00:16:57,407 --> 00:16:59,875
- (Glass smashes)
- What the..?
198
00:16:59,927 --> 00:17:03,556
- Oh, l'll go!
- What the hell's he up to this time?
199
00:17:03,607 --> 00:17:06,326
Sounds like someone tearing
the Barbican down.
200
00:17:09,007 --> 00:17:13,478
l can't take much more of this.
lt's like having Mad Max round to stay.
201
00:17:15,367 --> 00:17:19,679
l'll go in in the morning and buy
some tranquiliser darts at this rate.
202
00:17:22,927 --> 00:17:26,966
Don't tell me, he accidentally
napalmed his underpants.
203
00:17:27,007 --> 00:17:29,646
What happened this time?
204
00:17:29,687 --> 00:17:31,757
He said he got up to go to the loo,
205
00:17:31,807 --> 00:17:36,244
and saw this weird man coming towards
him wearing a ghostly shroud.
206
00:17:36,287 --> 00:17:38,801
Hurled the alarm clock at him in a panic
207
00:17:38,847 --> 00:17:42,556
and then realised it was the mirror
on the wardrobe door.
208
00:17:42,607 --> 00:17:47,203
l've said l'll sweep it up in the morning
and to watch where he treads.
209
00:17:48,247 --> 00:17:51,284
Two whole weeks we've got of this!
210
00:17:51,327 --> 00:17:55,002
l'm not going to be able
to last the course. l swear it.
211
00:17:58,287 --> 00:18:00,482
Two whole weeks!
212
00:18:03,007 --> 00:18:04,998
(Sighs)
213
00:18:10,167 --> 00:18:12,158
Halfway.
214
00:18:12,207 --> 00:18:14,437
l might just make it yet.
215
00:18:14,487 --> 00:18:16,284
(Door closes)
216
00:18:16,327 --> 00:18:18,318
Where is it?
217
00:18:20,327 --> 00:18:23,444
Voice-activated setting, that's the one.
218
00:18:27,247 --> 00:18:29,477
- l'm back.
- Where have you been?
219
00:18:29,527 --> 00:18:33,076
l thought you'd flushed yourself
down the toilet in error.
220
00:18:33,127 --> 00:18:35,118
Sorry?
221
00:18:35,687 --> 00:18:37,120
(Tape rewinds)
222
00:18:37,167 --> 00:18:41,683
Where have you been? Thought you'd
flushed yourself down the toilet in error.
223
00:18:41,727 --> 00:18:42,842
What's that for?
224
00:18:42,887 --> 00:18:46,675
Because l'm tired of having to repeat
myself every time l say something.
225
00:18:46,727 --> 00:18:48,843
- Sorry?
- (Tape rewinds)
226
00:18:48,887 --> 00:18:53,085
Because l'm tired of having to repeat
myself every time l say something.
227
00:18:53,127 --> 00:18:57,837
lf you spoke up a bit, l might hear you.
Never did open your mouth properly.
228
00:18:58,567 --> 00:19:01,923
Oh, did you get your parcel?
229
00:19:01,967 --> 00:19:03,241
What parcel's this?
230
00:19:03,287 --> 00:19:07,326
l was going to bring it over myself
but things get broken on planes.
231
00:19:07,367 --> 00:19:09,358
So l sent it airmail.
232
00:19:10,407 --> 00:19:12,363
lt's something l think...
233
00:19:13,407 --> 00:19:15,557
you might be interested in.
234
00:19:15,607 --> 00:19:19,236
l've been doing quite a bit of research
into our ancestry down there -
235
00:19:19,287 --> 00:19:21,926
our great-great-grandfather
was a New Zealander.
236
00:19:21,967 --> 00:19:25,676
Well, last year l got a letter from
a Mrs Glenister in Christchurch
237
00:19:25,727 --> 00:19:28,082
who's a very distant cousin apparently.
238
00:19:28,127 --> 00:19:30,243
Said she'd come into possession
239
00:19:30,287 --> 00:19:33,916
of some of Great-Great-Grampy
Meldrew's personal effects
240
00:19:33,967 --> 00:19:35,844
and would l be interested?
241
00:19:35,887 --> 00:19:40,039
Now, bear in mind
this item is over 150 years old,
242
00:19:40,087 --> 00:19:42,601
and it's very delicate.
243
00:19:43,567 --> 00:19:46,718
And l think you'll find it
rather fascinating.
244
00:19:46,767 --> 00:19:49,201
Oh, what is it?
245
00:19:50,407 --> 00:19:52,204
lt's his skull.
246
00:19:53,127 --> 00:19:55,925
l have to say, when l first laid eyes on it,
247
00:19:55,967 --> 00:19:59,039
l couldn't believe
the family resemblance.
248
00:20:02,447 --> 00:20:04,438
Uncanny, isn't it?
249
00:20:04,487 --> 00:20:07,047
The line on the forehead particularly.
250
00:20:07,087 --> 00:20:09,078
They could be twins!
251
00:20:09,127 --> 00:20:13,120
Ooh, yes! There is a certain likeness now
you point it out.
252
00:20:13,167 --> 00:20:16,637
- Especially down this side.
- For goodness' sake!
253
00:20:16,687 --> 00:20:20,521
Last week l was a mummified caveman,
now l'm a bloody walking skeleton!
254
00:20:20,567 --> 00:20:23,081
l bought some of those photos
over as well,
255
00:20:23,127 --> 00:20:26,039
l thought we might have a look through
after tea.
256
00:20:26,087 --> 00:20:28,123
Not sure which case l put them in now.
257
00:20:30,047 --> 00:20:32,720
This is a charming little keepsake,
isn't it?
258
00:20:32,767 --> 00:20:34,883
That man's a walking disaster area.
259
00:20:34,927 --> 00:20:37,805
And you wonder why l didn't want him
to come and stay!
260
00:20:37,847 --> 00:20:41,999
The day he flew out, New Zealand
must've declared a national holiday.
261
00:20:42,047 --> 00:20:45,562
Never did get on as brothers,
even when we were young.
262
00:20:45,607 --> 00:20:48,360
l just think he'd have got
the message by now.
263
00:20:48,407 --> 00:20:51,763
- What message?
- ''ln the name of God, go!''
264
00:20:55,247 --> 00:20:59,286
And that was Granny Gosling when she
was in service to the Duke of Norfolk.
265
00:20:59,327 --> 00:21:03,240
- Erm, Grandad's second from the right.
- Oh, yes!
266
00:21:05,727 --> 00:21:08,480
Oh! ls that your mother she's holding?
267
00:21:08,527 --> 00:21:11,280
Yes, she'd have been
about six months old there.
268
00:21:11,327 --> 00:21:12,760
Aaah!
269
00:21:14,647 --> 00:21:19,118
Well, l don't want to seem rude, but...
270
00:21:20,087 --> 00:21:22,681
Oh, dear,
l think l'm going to have to go up.
271
00:21:22,727 --> 00:21:25,321
l'll leave you two to your memories.
272
00:21:25,367 --> 00:21:28,086
l'll see you in the morning.
Good night, Alfred.
273
00:21:28,127 --> 00:21:30,118
Yes, good night, Margaret.
274
00:21:37,487 --> 00:21:39,762
Ha! You remember this?
275
00:21:39,807 --> 00:21:43,322
Church parade. Armistice Day, 1937.
276
00:21:44,007 --> 00:21:47,044
l was in the Scouts,
you were in the Wolf Cubs.
277
00:21:47,087 --> 00:21:49,123
Mum drew rings round our faces.
278
00:21:49,967 --> 00:21:53,755
We were tickled pink in those days
to see our faces in the paper.
279
00:21:55,487 --> 00:21:59,116
That was when we were still living
in Dibley Street. You remember?
280
00:21:59,167 --> 00:22:02,762
The five of us in that little terraced house
at the top of the hill.
281
00:22:02,807 --> 00:22:06,959
The smell of Dad's home-made
beetroot wine festering in the scullery.
282
00:22:07,007 --> 00:22:11,683
They reckoned it used to knock budgies
off their perch up to three streets away.
283
00:22:13,007 --> 00:22:16,044
Yes, and our bedroom
was right over the top of it.
284
00:22:16,087 --> 00:22:20,603
Remember that special way Granny
used to have of cooking the Brussels?
285
00:22:20,647 --> 00:22:23,241
Made them taste
as if they'd been boiled in soap?
286
00:22:26,007 --> 00:22:29,204
Yes, the very thought of it
makes you feel quite sick.
287
00:22:31,087 --> 00:22:32,486
Mm.
288
00:22:33,847 --> 00:22:36,839
- My God, who's that?
- That was you.
289
00:22:38,007 --> 00:22:40,237
November 3rd, 1936.
290
00:22:40,727 --> 00:22:43,366
You're right, l do look like a skeleton.
291
00:22:43,407 --> 00:22:45,762
l think you're wearing
a Guy Fawkes mask.
292
00:22:49,807 --> 00:22:52,640
Oh, yes. So l was.
293
00:22:52,687 --> 00:22:54,678
l remember that year.
294
00:22:55,487 --> 00:23:00,766
Wasn't that when the Catherine wheel
fell off the fence onto my school cap
295
00:23:00,807 --> 00:23:03,082
and everyone could see it except me.
296
00:23:03,127 --> 00:23:05,402
And l went around with my...
297
00:23:07,007 --> 00:23:08,998
hat on fire.
298
00:23:16,687 --> 00:23:20,805
- Would you like another bitter lemon?
- Yes, that would be nice. Thank you.
299
00:23:28,167 --> 00:23:29,202
(Knocking)
300
00:23:30,727 --> 00:23:33,321
'Scuse me, love, l'm sorry to bother you.
301
00:23:33,367 --> 00:23:35,164
You couldn't do us a big favour?
302
00:23:35,207 --> 00:23:38,199
We've just re-layed
the pavement round the back,
303
00:23:38,247 --> 00:23:40,602
and it needs hosing down -
get rid of the mess.
304
00:23:40,647 --> 00:23:42,717
Could l borrow your tap for a minute?
305
00:23:42,767 --> 00:23:45,645
- Yes, yes. Anything you like.
- Cheers.
306
00:24:01,567 --> 00:24:05,242
Now, there is no doubt at all
in your mind, is there?
307
00:24:05,287 --> 00:24:09,246
- lt was definitely him?
- l told you, Melanie saw him do it.
308
00:24:09,287 --> 00:24:12,199
Said it was an old geezer in a cap.
309
00:24:12,247 --> 00:24:15,125
Looked like that mummified caveman
in the paper.
310
00:24:15,167 --> 00:24:20,446
Right! We'll see how he likes nasty
things being put through his letter box!
311
00:24:37,727 --> 00:24:41,276
OK. Stick it well through.
l'll go and turn it on.
312
00:24:55,647 --> 00:24:58,639
Alf, are you up yet,
or do you want this in bed?
313
00:25:22,367 --> 00:25:25,439
Where's he wandered off to?
lt's not even nine o'clock.
314
00:25:25,487 --> 00:25:27,557
- He's gone.
- Gone? Gone where?
315
00:25:28,647 --> 00:25:30,558
Gone home.
316
00:25:30,607 --> 00:25:32,484
Gone? What's this?
317
00:25:33,287 --> 00:25:36,757
After you went to bed last night,
he came downstairs for a drink
318
00:25:36,807 --> 00:25:40,846
and accidentally knocked
that Dictaphone onto the floor.
319
00:25:40,887 --> 00:25:44,118
(Victor) And you wonder why l didn't
want him to come and stay?
320
00:25:44,167 --> 00:25:47,557
The day he flew out, New Zealand
must've declared a national holiday.
321
00:25:47,607 --> 00:25:50,883
Never did get on as brothers,
even when we were young.
322
00:25:50,927 --> 00:25:53,646
l just think he'd have got
the message by now.
323
00:25:53,687 --> 00:25:57,316
(Margaret) What message?
(Victor) ''ln the name of God, go!''
324
00:25:59,287 --> 00:26:02,677
Well, cheer up. Like he says in his letter,
325
00:26:02,727 --> 00:26:06,800
it'll be another 25 years
before he bothers you again.
326
00:26:14,647 --> 00:26:16,638
(Sighs)
327
00:26:26,287 --> 00:26:29,040
- ls it safe to open my eyes yet?
- lt's fine.
328
00:26:29,087 --> 00:26:31,999
Everything's in one piece,
exactly as we left it.
329
00:26:32,047 --> 00:26:33,924
l told you it would be all right.
330
00:26:33,967 --> 00:26:35,923
Thank God for that.
331
00:26:36,647 --> 00:26:39,400
No, hasn't over-watered after all.
332
00:26:39,447 --> 00:26:42,598
l was dreading coming back
and finding that the whole pl...
333
00:26:49,527 --> 00:26:51,916
What in the name of bloody hell...?
334
00:26:56,567 --> 00:26:58,046
What?
335
00:27:03,487 --> 00:27:07,480
Who's done this? Who the bloody hell...?
Get a stirrup pump.
336
00:27:46,047 --> 00:27:49,323
Oh! You're back.
Did you have a good week?
337
00:27:49,367 --> 00:27:50,800
Sorry, Mr Meldrew?
338
00:27:52,127 --> 00:27:54,516
Did you have a good...
Something the matter?
339
00:27:55,927 --> 00:27:59,476
There was one slight, small question
that was bothering me, yes.
340
00:27:59,527 --> 00:28:01,995
But l don't suppose
it really matters much.
341
00:28:02,847 --> 00:28:05,645
- What question's that?
- l was just wondering
342
00:28:05,687 --> 00:28:09,999
how you were going to get the end
of this hosepipe out of your bottom.
343
00:28:14,207 --> 00:28:17,244
# They say might as well face the truth
344
00:28:17,927 --> 00:28:20,964
# That l am just too long in the tooth
345
00:28:21,007 --> 00:28:24,363
# l've started to deteriorate
346
00:28:24,407 --> 00:28:27,956
# And now l've passed
my own sell-by date
347
00:28:28,007 --> 00:28:31,795
# Oh, l am no spring chicken, it's true
348
00:28:31,847 --> 00:28:35,283
# l have to pop my teeth in to chew
349
00:28:35,327 --> 00:28:38,717
# And my old knees
have started to knock
350
00:28:38,767 --> 00:28:42,043
# l've just go too many miles
on the clock
351
00:28:42,087 --> 00:28:45,875
# So l'm a wrinkly, crinkly, set in my ways
352
00:28:45,927 --> 00:28:49,442
# lt's true that my body
has seen better days
353
00:28:49,487 --> 00:28:52,843
# But give me half a chance
and l can still misbehave
354
00:28:52,887 --> 00:28:55,685
# One foot in the grave
355
00:28:56,927 --> 00:28:59,839
# One foot in the grave
356
00:29:00,407 --> 00:29:03,524
# One foot in the grave #