# They say l might as well face the truth
# That l am just too long in the tooth
# So l'm an OAP and weak-kneed
# But l have not yet quite gone to seed
# l may be over the hill, now that l have retired
# Fading away, but l'm not yet expired
# Clapped out, run down, too old to save
# One foot in the grave #
(Cheering on TV)
Two special fried rice and two sweet and sour chicken balls.
Ten minute. Thank you, sir. Bye.
(Arguing in Chinese)
Ha-ya!
(Shouts in Chinese)
(All speak Chinese)
Sorry, sorry.
(Speaks Chinese)
Two stewed chicken and... two boiled rice!
That's for you, sir.
ls it?
Bon appetit.
Yes, right. Thanks very much.
Just so long as it's established l'm not happy with the arrangement, that's all.
You seen this? They've found a mummified caveman
inside a block of ice in Siberia.
''Perfectly preserved, he's over 12,000 years old.''
He's the spitting image of Mr Meldrew!
l'd forgotten what he did with that tortoise that was entrusted to his care.
Ran straight out the back and started toasting it on a garden fork.
Poor little bugger.
We might just as well ask the Terminator to come in and water our plants.
l'd sleep a lot easier.
- Did you hear me? Look! - Where?
Next to the advert!
l can see the picture of Mr Meldrew. Where's the mummified caveman?
l told you not to go to that one by the canal.
They've had the pest controller in there three times this year to my knowledge.
Pest control? They need the Pied Piper of Hamlyn!
And l noticed those women are still hanging about in there.
Might as well stick a red light over the front door and be done with it.
What, prostitutes?
Prostitutes? l didn't know whose price list to ask for first!
Skirts up to their nostrils, you know they're not waiting for crispy duck.
Yuck. l've got evidence against him on both counts this time.
- What evidence? - Exhibits A and B.
We'll see what the Trading Standards Department has to say about that.
Lucky no one was wearing them.
What's that supposed to mean?
Oh, by the way, your brother Alfred phoned from the airport.
He says he wants you to do a bit of shopping in London tomorrow,
he'll get here about three.
Sounded a bit dopey. Still, it's jet lag, l expect.
That's not jet lag, he's always dopey.
The same when you ring him up.
His voice sounds as distant as anything and he can't hear a word you're saying.
That's because it's an international line.
That's because he's holding the phone upside down.
lf you ever wondered what it's like to be trapped in a house
with Stan Laurel for two weeks, you'll soon find out.
You could at least make a bit of effort while he's here.
l would have thought, after 25 years, you'd be thrilled to bits.
You lose touch with people, Margaret.
We've nothing in common any more.
lt's just one of those awful family rituals where you're both too embarrassed to...
Hello! Ooh, l hope we're not interrupting.
Just thought we'd drop the keys round
and talk you through a couple of things for next week.
Oh, right. Come through to the sitting room, l'll get my note pad.
We're all at sixes and sevens ourselves here,
because Victor's brother's over from New Zealand to stay for a fortnight...
- You well? - Yes.
Yes, l am.
OK, so you've got your computer, yeah?
You've got your database software package, your laser printer,
your fax, photocopier, and your cartridges.
Oh, and we mustn't forget your warranty agreement, must we?
Memo, get Samantha to organise three-year extended warranty agreement
for Mr Victor Meldrew on his M-240 computer package.
OK, then. l just need three signatures from you,
and a small cheque, l'm afraid.
Right. How much was it again?
L7,962.45, if you could, please.
Oof!
Oh, and we mustn't forget your service contract.
Memo, get Samantha to organise service agreement for Mr Victor Meldrew,
two years from date of purchase.
Oh, lovely wallpaper, l must say.
That's magic, sir. Thank you. l'll just give you a receipt.
What's this? ls this some sort of joke, or what?
- A joke? Sorry? - This signature.
lt says, ''You daft, dawdling old arsehole''.
Er, no. l think that's what you called me last week, wasn't it?
When you nearly carved me up on that dual carriageway.
Last week?
l was driving along at a steady 50 when you suddenly shot up my backside
in your company Sierra, flashed your lights,
and virtually rammed my back bumper for three miles.
When you did overtake, that's what you shouted through the passenger window.
Noting your firm's details on the car door,
l took the liberty of inviting you round here today
just to deliberately waste your time for the best part of an entire morning.
l knew l'd seen your face before.
l thought it was that mummified caveman in the papers.
l have five other appointments this morning.
Oh, well, you'd better get through them.
Memo.
Get Samantha to organise a new brain for me as quickly as possible
so l can learn to drive and not be a bastard to everyone else on the roads.
Now you can just bugger off out of it, if you would be so kind!
And...
your wallpaper stinks.
What was all that row? Are you taking the law into your own hands again?
You'll come a cropper one of these days,
carrying on like a one-man vigilante patrol.
Just going to give the front lawn a wee trim.
Shall l pick up Alfred this afternoon?
No, l'm going in anyway. l think l'll recognise him.
Well, if you have any trouble, look for a man wearing a small grey hat,
smoking a pipe, who's forgotten to put his trousers on.
lt might be a good idea not to tap your pipe out on your hat, Alfred.
- Not while it's still alight. - Sorry?
How was your coach trip in, by the way? OK?
Dreadful, did nothing but bump and shake about all the way in.
Can you find a place for this, do you think?
- Yes, l think we can. - Only there was nowhere else to be sick.
Oh, l don't believe it!
Morning. l forgot to give you my si...
My sister's phone number,
in case of emergency.
- Everything OK? - Yes, pretty run-of-the-mill stuff, really.
He was mowing the front room carpet.
- He was what? - Quite normal for him on a Monday.
Probably planting begonias in the video recorder by now.
Even as we speak.
l suppose that packet of condoms in a mousetrap
was still lying on the cheeseboard?
l'm afraid it was.
Well, better take a good look at the house, darling.
Could be the last time you see it in its present form.
ls there any more crap you want to sling over people's gardens?
Yes, you! The one who's had her bottom pinched by Edward Scissorhands!
This is a front lawn, not a bloody can-recycling plant.
Why don't you train him to empty his potty over the front doorstep too?
- Get back to waterin' your plants. - Bloody bleached bimbos!
l bet he drinks Carling Black Label.
You're a mucky little pup, ain't you?
Wait there!
# Look on the bright side of life
# Doo-doo, doo-doo, doo-doo, doo-doo #
Auntie Gertie escaped again the other week.
Yes, you said in your last letter.
- Sorry? - You said so in your last letter.
- l don't think l did, did l? - Yes, you did, yes.
- Sorry? - Yes, you did.
- Are you sure? - Yes, l'm sure.
l didn't say she'd escaped, l said she'd tried to escape.
No, you said she's actually escaped
but they managed to capture her again by dropping a net from a helicopter.
- l don't remember telling you. - How do l know about it?
- Sorry? - How do l know about it?
Right. As this is a special occasion,
l thought we might push the boat out for a change,
and have a little glass of something.
There!
Not with the barbiturates, l won't, thank you, Margaret.
- Oh. Right. - You know it gives me colic.
Oh. Right.
Here's to you both, anyway.
Cheers!
- Cheers. - Cheers.
So how are you coping now, Victor?
Bit of a big one, isn't it, retirement?
Suddenly being thrown onto the scrapheap of life.
A prisoner in your own home with no prospects, no purpose.
Nothing left to live for. lt's not getting you down, l hope.
No, not at all. Most of the time l sit in that chair over there, all day long.
Just laughing.
Doing cartwheels on the stairs with sheer delight.
Margaret'll tell you. And l'm not retired. l'm just between jobs.
- Sorry? - Oh, God, l'll go and get a parrot.
The moment l heard the news, l said to Marion,
''l've got to save up to go back there.
''His life was miserable and empty enough to start with.
''He'll need me there to cheer him up.''
Right. And now here you are.
Large as life.
You find you have to be more philosophical about things now, Victor.
Not be so hot-headed.
Yes, that's sound advice, coming from a man who goes about with his hat on fire.
You mustn't get suicidal.
- Who's suicidal? - Sorry?
- Who's suicidal? - No use pretending, is it?
You've been looking gloomy and fed up since l set foot inside your house.
Yes. Funny, that.
lt can only mean l've got here just at the right moment.
Excuse me, just a second, would you?
- (Glass smashes) - What the..?
- Oh, l'll go! - What the hell's he up to this time?
Sounds like someone tearing the Barbican down.
l can't take much more of this. lt's like having Mad Max round to stay.
l'll go in in the morning and buy some tranquiliser darts at this rate.
Don't tell me, he accidentally napalmed his underpants.
What happened this time?
He said he got up to go to the loo,
and saw this weird man coming towards him wearing a ghostly shroud.
Hurled the alarm clock at him in a panic
and then realised it was the mirror on the wardrobe door.
l've said l'll sweep it up in the morning and to watch where he treads.
Two whole weeks we've got of this!
l'm not going to be able to last the course. l swear it.
Two whole weeks!
(Sighs)
Halfway.
l might just make it yet.
(Door closes)
Where is it?
Voice-activated setting, that's the one.
- l'm back. - Where have you been?
l thought you'd flushed yourself down the toilet in error.
Sorry?
(Tape rewinds)
Where have you been? Thought you'd flushed yourself down the toilet in error.
What's that for?
Because l'm tired of having to repeat myself every time l say something.
- Sorry? - (Tape rewinds)
Because l'm tired of having to repeat myself every time l say something.
lf you spoke up a bit, l might hear you. Never did open your mouth properly.
Oh, did you get your parcel?
What parcel's this?
l was going to bring it over myself but things get broken on planes.
So l sent it airmail.
lt's something l think...
you might be interested in.
l've been doing quite a bit of research into our ancestry down there -
our great-great-grandfather was a New Zealander.
Well, last year l got a letter from a Mrs Glenister in Christchurch
who's a very distant cousin apparently.
Said she'd come into possession
of some of Great-Great-Grampy Meldrew's personal effects
and would l be interested?
Now, bear in mind this item is over 150 years old,
and it's very delicate.
And l think you'll find it rather fascinating.
Oh, what is it?
lt's his skull.
l have to say, when l first laid eyes on it,
l couldn't believe the family resemblance.
Uncanny, isn't it?
The line on the forehead particularly.
They could be twins!
Ooh, yes! There is a certain likeness now you point it out.
- Especially down this side. - For goodness' sake!
Last week l was a mummified caveman, now l'm a bloody walking skeleton!
l bought some of those photos over as well,
l thought we might have a look through after tea.
Not sure which case l put them in now.
This is a charming little keepsake, isn't it?
That man's a walking disaster area.
And you wonder why l didn't want him to come and stay!
The day he flew out, New Zealand must've declared a national holiday.
Never did get on as brothers, even when we were young.
l just think he'd have got the message by now.
- What message? - ''ln the name of God, go!''
And that was Granny Gosling when she was in service to the Duke of Norfolk.
- Erm, Grandad's second from the right. - Oh, yes!
Oh! ls that your mother she's holding?
Yes, she'd have been about six months old there.
Aaah!
Well, l don't want to seem rude, but...
Oh, dear, l think l'm going to have to go up.
l'll leave you two to your memories.
l'll see you in the morning. Good night, Alfred.
Yes, good night, Margaret.
Ha! You remember this?
Church parade. Armistice Day, 1937.
l was in the Scouts, you were in the Wolf Cubs.
Mum drew rings round our faces.
We were tickled pink in those days to see our faces in the paper.
That was when we were still living in Dibley Street. You remember?
The five of us in that little terraced house at the top of the hill.
The smell of Dad's home-made beetroot wine festering in the scullery.
They reckoned it used to knock budgies off their perch up to three streets away.
Yes, and our bedroom was right over the top of it.
Remember that special way Granny used to have of cooking the Brussels?
Made them taste as if they'd been boiled in soap?
Yes, the very thought of it makes you feel quite sick.
Mm.
- My God, who's that? - That was you.
November 3rd, 1936.
You're right, l do look like a skeleton.
l think you're wearing a Guy Fawkes mask.
Oh, yes. So l was.
l remember that year.
Wasn't that when the Catherine wheel fell off the fence onto my school cap
and everyone could see it except me.
And l went around with my...
hat on fire.
- Would you like another bitter lemon? - Yes, that would be nice. Thank you.
(Knocking)
'Scuse me, love, l'm sorry to bother you.
You couldn't do us a big favour?
We've just re-layed the pavement round the back,
and it needs hosing down - get rid of the mess.
Could l borrow your tap for a minute?
- Yes, yes. Anything you like. - Cheers.
Now, there is no doubt at all in your mind, is there?
- lt was definitely him? - l told you, Melanie saw him do it.
Said it was an old geezer in a cap.
Looked like that mummified caveman in the paper.
Right! We'll see how he likes nasty things being put through his letter box!
OK. Stick it well through. l'll go and turn it on.
Alf, are you up yet, or do you want this in bed?
Where's he wandered off to? lt's not even nine o'clock.
- He's gone. - Gone? Gone where?
Gone home.
Gone? What's this?
After you went to bed last night, he came downstairs for a drink
and accidentally knocked that Dictaphone onto the floor.
(Victor) And you wonder why l didn't want him to come and stay?
The day he flew out, New Zealand must've declared a national holiday.
Never did get on as brothers, even when we were young.
l just think he'd have got the message by now.
(Margaret) What message? (Victor) ''ln the name of God, go!''
Well, cheer up. Like he says in his letter,
it'll be another 25 years before he bothers you again.
(Sighs)
- ls it safe to open my eyes yet? - lt's fine.
Everything's in one piece, exactly as we left it.
l told you it would be all right.
Thank God for that.
No, hasn't over-watered after all.
l was dreading coming back and finding that the whole pl...
What in the name of bloody hell...?
What?
Who's done this? Who the bloody hell...? Get a stirrup pump.
Oh! You're back. Did you have a good week?
Sorry, Mr Meldrew?
Did you have a good... Something the matter?
There was one slight, small question that was bothering me, yes.
But l don't suppose it really matters much.
- What question's that? - l was just wondering
how you were going to get the end of this hosepipe out of your bottom.
# They say might as well face the truth
# That l am just too long in the tooth
# l've started to deteriorate
# And now l've passed my own sell-by date
# Oh, l am no spring chicken, it's true
# l have to pop my teeth in to chew
# And my old knees have started to knock
# l've just go too many miles on the clock
# So l'm a wrinkly, crinkly, set in my ways
# lt's true that my body has seen better days
# But give me half a chance and l can still misbehave
# One foot in the grave
# One foot in the grave #