1
00:00:02,127 --> 00:00:05,119
# They say l might as well face the truth
2
00:00:05,767 --> 00:00:08,679
# That l am just too long in the tooth
3
00:00:09,247 --> 00:00:12,080
# So l'm an OAP and weak-kneed
4
00:00:12,727 --> 00:00:16,117
# But l have not yet quite gone to seed
5
00:00:16,167 --> 00:00:20,206
# l may be over the hill
now that l have retired
6
00:00:20,247 --> 00:00:23,523
# Fading away but l'm not yet expired
7
00:00:23,567 --> 00:00:27,685
# Clapped out, run down, too old to save
8
00:00:27,727 --> 00:00:29,718
# One foot in the grave #
9
00:00:45,287 --> 00:00:48,597
(Victor) Oh...God...
10
00:00:51,047 --> 00:00:54,801
Oh...God...Al...
11
00:00:54,847 --> 00:00:56,644
..mighty!
12
00:00:58,967 --> 00:01:02,198
- Want a sucky sweet?
- Sucky sweet!
13
00:01:04,007 --> 00:01:07,841
l'll be sucking that exhaust pipe soon,
much more of this.
14
00:01:10,327 --> 00:01:14,320
Yes, l always say that
for a really super bank holiday treat,
15
00:01:14,367 --> 00:01:19,316
you can't beat four and a half hours
staring up a horse's bottom!
16
00:01:19,367 --> 00:01:21,961
(Horse whinnies)
17
00:01:22,007 --> 00:01:26,444
lt's been so long, l've forgotten
what the other end looks like!
18
00:01:28,807 --> 00:01:33,244
Another half-hour, we'll have
to put it on our Christmas card list.
19
00:01:33,287 --> 00:01:36,359
Become virtually a friend of the family.
20
00:01:37,327 --> 00:01:40,478
Still there, even when l close my eyes.
21
00:01:42,367 --> 00:01:46,918
Like watching a Party Political Broadcast
by Kenneth Clarke.
22
00:01:49,247 --> 00:01:51,807
Oh, God!
23
00:01:52,567 --> 00:01:55,365
Four and a half hours...
24
00:01:57,207 --> 00:02:00,005
of unfettered misery.
25
00:02:01,287 --> 00:02:04,757
We haven't moved now for 20 minutes
to my knowledge!
26
00:02:07,887 --> 00:02:09,878
(Sighs)
27
00:02:11,207 --> 00:02:13,721
Where's that AA road map?
28
00:02:18,527 --> 00:02:21,644
- What are you looking up?
- Ah, yes, here we are.
29
00:02:21,687 --> 00:02:25,316
Hell on earth.
l thought we'd taken a wrong turning.
30
00:02:30,247 --> 00:02:32,807
Oh, God!
31
00:02:33,807 --> 00:02:35,798
l wish l was dead.
32
00:02:36,807 --> 00:02:40,243
l wish you were dead,
then l'd get some peace.
33
00:02:41,727 --> 00:02:44,958
There's nothing you can do
so don't get aerated.
34
00:02:45,007 --> 00:02:47,999
You've just got to put up with it.
35
00:02:48,047 --> 00:02:50,117
Are you sitting on the Mirror?
36
00:03:06,167 --> 00:03:08,601
- (Horn beeps)
- Bugger it!
37
00:03:08,647 --> 00:03:10,638
l said it was faulty!
38
00:03:12,247 --> 00:03:15,205
Safer wearing a black mamba
round your neck.
39
00:03:16,807 --> 00:03:19,367
- You try yours.
- What for?
40
00:03:19,407 --> 00:03:23,116
- You'll see what l mean.
- l don't need to try it.
41
00:03:23,167 --> 00:03:25,283
Try it.
42
00:03:26,887 --> 00:03:28,878
(Sighs)
43
00:03:52,047 --> 00:03:53,605
(Sighs)
44
00:03:54,727 --> 00:03:57,241
l suppose it could be worse.
45
00:03:57,287 --> 00:04:02,077
We could have gone to that
arts and crafts fair like last year.
46
00:04:02,127 --> 00:04:05,039
Ha! Talk about pathetic!
47
00:04:05,927 --> 00:04:10,159
First prize for design went to a man
who'd had a nosebleed on the table.
48
00:04:11,247 --> 00:04:15,206
Got a L5 gift voucher
from the Co-op Funeral Parlour.
49
00:04:16,887 --> 00:04:19,959
The paintings on display
were a complete joke.
50
00:04:20,967 --> 00:04:25,677
Best watercolour was a photo of
Jilly Cooper two cats had urinated on.
51
00:04:26,687 --> 00:04:29,076
Only ones there with any taste.
52
00:04:30,087 --> 00:04:32,521
l'm surprised you remember it,
53
00:04:32,567 --> 00:04:36,685
the amount of turnip wine
you put away in the refreshment tent.
54
00:04:37,527 --> 00:04:41,486
Went to the loo -
it sounded like someone running a bath.
55
00:04:41,527 --> 00:04:45,600
l was well within my limit.
l was perfectly sober.
56
00:04:45,647 --> 00:04:48,036
That's why you had an argument
57
00:04:48,087 --> 00:04:51,841
with a papier-mache replica
of the mayor's wife.
58
00:04:53,847 --> 00:04:59,444
Yes... Well, she did look quite realistic,
l have to give them that.
59
00:04:59,487 --> 00:05:04,003
Moaning on about litter and what was
her husband going to do about it.
60
00:05:06,007 --> 00:05:10,205
What did you think the wisps
of newspaper were on her face?
61
00:05:12,447 --> 00:05:16,918
l didn't like to ask. l thought it
might be some rare type of eczema.
62
00:05:19,687 --> 00:05:22,838
(Sighs) My God, l'm hot.
63
00:05:25,007 --> 00:05:29,364
Next bank holiday, l'll just book
a couple of seats in a bread oven.
64
00:05:30,207 --> 00:05:33,483
My feet are like
a brace of boiled lobsters.
65
00:05:35,767 --> 00:05:40,397
Get a move on, for God's sake! What
the bloody hell's going on up there?
66
00:05:40,447 --> 00:05:42,961
l can't take much more of this!
67
00:05:45,487 --> 00:05:49,196
Man up there's sunbathing
on top of a Pickfords truck.
68
00:05:50,247 --> 00:05:53,239
Oh, misery me.
69
00:05:54,607 --> 00:05:56,598
What time is it?
70
00:05:58,007 --> 00:05:59,998
25 past three.
71
00:06:01,847 --> 00:06:04,156
The clock's two minutes fast.
72
00:06:04,207 --> 00:06:08,246
l've got to go all the way through
cos you can't turn it back.
73
00:06:08,287 --> 00:06:10,881
Nothing but trouble, this car.
74
00:06:10,927 --> 00:06:13,919
God knows who the previous owner was.
75
00:06:13,967 --> 00:06:16,640
Moby Dick, judging by the suspension.
76
00:06:16,687 --> 00:06:20,043
Five times it's been back for repair
in two months.
77
00:06:20,087 --> 00:06:22,681
lt's one fault after another.
78
00:06:23,687 --> 00:06:27,805
The man in the fish shop
said it's all psychosomatic.
79
00:06:27,847 --> 00:06:32,762
What, when your windscreen wiper
flies off and spears a wood pigeon?
80
00:06:32,807 --> 00:06:35,879
He said it was a classic case
of Hondachondria.
81
00:06:35,927 --> 00:06:39,761
When you imagine everything's
wrong with a Japanese car.
82
00:06:39,807 --> 00:06:41,604
lt's all in the mind.
83
00:06:41,647 --> 00:06:46,004
Those electric shocks aren't in my mind,
they're all up my bloody arm!
84
00:06:46,047 --> 00:06:50,279
Every time l touch something,
5,000 volts through my fingers.
85
00:06:50,327 --> 00:06:53,080
Sparks and God knows what.
86
00:06:53,127 --> 00:06:55,118
l pull down the garage door,
87
00:06:55,167 --> 00:06:58,682
it's like a scene
from Frankenstein's laboratory.
88
00:06:59,927 --> 00:07:02,725
Even set fire to an azalea last week.
89
00:07:05,007 --> 00:07:09,683
l notice it never affects you.
Only me, as usual.
90
00:07:09,727 --> 00:07:14,323
Yes, well, some people are more
susceptible than others, that's all.
91
00:07:14,367 --> 00:07:17,359
Those that have faulty wiring
to start with.
92
00:07:18,887 --> 00:07:22,675
For God's sake, how much longer
have we got to sit here?
93
00:07:22,727 --> 00:07:25,241
(Beeps horn continually)
94
00:07:30,367 --> 00:07:33,165
(Victor) Complete waste of human life.
95
00:07:34,647 --> 00:07:38,720
Could have stayed at home today
and done something useful.
96
00:07:38,767 --> 00:07:41,440
- Like what?
- A million things!
97
00:07:41,487 --> 00:07:43,955
Like what?
98
00:07:45,767 --> 00:07:50,477
Well, l could have cut my toenails
for a start. That's one job.
99
00:07:50,527 --> 00:07:53,644
Could do it now
if l'd brought that gadget.
100
00:07:53,687 --> 00:07:57,521
Oh, yes. The one that fires
the clippings across the room.
101
00:07:57,567 --> 00:08:00,639
- l always pick them up afterwards.
- Not always.
102
00:08:00,687 --> 00:08:04,885
- You can't always find them.
- l've never lost a toenail yet.
103
00:08:04,927 --> 00:08:09,876
l never move on to the next one
till l've found the one l've just cut.
104
00:08:09,927 --> 00:08:13,078
lt's a rule l've always stuck to
over the years.
105
00:08:13,127 --> 00:08:17,120
Never known anyone
as lethal with a toenail clipper as you.
106
00:08:17,167 --> 00:08:19,886
Got the paper boy in the eye
the other day.
107
00:08:20,887 --> 00:08:23,082
Good job you had some Optrex.
108
00:08:23,127 --> 00:08:25,960
l told you to close the windows.
109
00:08:37,047 --> 00:08:40,835
(Derek Jameson on radio )
'..but shock-horror drama...'
110
00:08:40,887 --> 00:08:44,277
(Turns radio off)
God, bloody Derek Jameson.
111
00:08:44,327 --> 00:08:47,842
l'd rather listen to
the back end of a horse.
112
00:08:50,967 --> 00:08:54,482
What's another name
for the dung beetle?
113
00:08:54,527 --> 00:08:59,726
Gyles Brandreth.
Can't stand him for love nor money.
114
00:09:02,927 --> 00:09:06,283
Will someone tell them
to get a move on up the front?
115
00:09:06,327 --> 00:09:11,242
What have they got out there? Gangs
of navvies fitting frilly lampshades?
116
00:09:11,287 --> 00:09:13,755
l've been sat here for half an hour!
117
00:09:13,807 --> 00:09:16,526
My tyres are beginning to take root!
118
00:09:22,207 --> 00:09:24,198
(Sighs)
119
00:09:26,127 --> 00:09:29,039
Given myself a headache
doing that now.
120
00:09:31,807 --> 00:09:34,958
l see why people become psychopaths.
121
00:09:36,607 --> 00:09:40,043
lt's like that woman
who serves in the butcher's.
122
00:09:40,087 --> 00:09:42,726
ln one of her twitchy moods
on Saturday.
123
00:09:42,767 --> 00:09:46,043
Took three of us
to prise the meat cleaver off her.
124
00:09:48,727 --> 00:09:52,481
l thought they were moving her
to another counter.
125
00:09:52,527 --> 00:09:55,644
They tried her for a week
in dairy produce.
126
00:09:55,687 --> 00:09:59,680
They didn't like the way
she kept flexing the cheese wire.
127
00:10:00,607 --> 00:10:04,885
She's been banned from
the public gallery at inquests now.
128
00:10:04,927 --> 00:10:08,715
Reckon she's been getting
more unstable for weeks.
129
00:10:09,647 --> 00:10:14,596
Ever since she found her husband
playing chess with an inflatable woman.
130
00:10:14,647 --> 00:10:16,478
Would unhinge anyone, l should think.
131
00:10:18,007 --> 00:10:20,919
ls it ''cheevil''? lt seems to fit.
132
00:10:26,607 --> 00:10:28,996
l'm getting all stiff now.
133
00:10:31,087 --> 00:10:33,078
(Groans)
134
00:10:33,127 --> 00:10:36,244
l'm going to have to get out
and stretch my legs.
135
00:10:37,967 --> 00:10:42,677
- (Electricity crackles)
- Ow! Bugger that bloody thing!
136
00:10:42,727 --> 00:10:45,116
You should wear rubber soles.
137
00:10:45,167 --> 00:10:49,240
Rubber soles?
l need a lightning rod up my trousers!
138
00:10:55,127 --> 00:10:57,118
(Door slams)
139
00:10:59,367 --> 00:11:01,358
(Engines start)
140
00:11:06,527 --> 00:11:09,644
Victor! We're moving!
141
00:11:14,327 --> 00:11:16,318
About time!
142
00:11:19,127 --> 00:11:21,118
(Engine starts)
143
00:11:34,927 --> 00:11:38,158
l don't believe it!
144
00:11:38,207 --> 00:11:40,596
lt's gone beyond all human endurance!
145
00:11:40,647 --> 00:11:44,037
l can't take any more!
l can't take another second!
146
00:11:46,207 --> 00:11:48,198
Shit.
147
00:11:52,927 --> 00:11:55,441
That feels a little bit better.
148
00:11:55,487 --> 00:11:57,478
Find one all right, then?
149
00:11:57,527 --> 00:12:02,123
Yes, there's a pub on the other side
of that slope. Very friendly.
150
00:12:03,167 --> 00:12:05,920
- Did you want to go?
- l'm fine, thanks.
151
00:12:14,047 --> 00:12:16,720
You haven't moved very far, Mr Meldrew.
152
00:12:16,767 --> 00:12:18,758
Evidently not.
153
00:12:18,807 --> 00:12:22,083
l thought you'd be
down by that rotting badger.
154
00:12:22,127 --> 00:12:27,997
We're not. Not likely to be, at this rate.
Did you get my crisps?
155
00:12:28,047 --> 00:12:32,325
No, sorry. They didn't have
salt and vinegar. Only smoky bacon.
156
00:12:32,367 --> 00:12:36,724
- l asked you to get smoky bacon.
- You asked for salt and vinegar.
157
00:12:36,767 --> 00:12:40,396
l said don't get salt and vinegar,
get smoky bacon!
158
00:12:40,447 --> 00:12:43,644
- They had smoky bacon.
- But you didn't get any.
159
00:12:43,687 --> 00:12:47,043
- Three huge boxes.
- But you didn't get any.
160
00:12:47,087 --> 00:12:48,566
No.
161
00:12:52,767 --> 00:12:55,327
Thank you very much indeed.
162
00:12:55,367 --> 00:12:57,676
l was looking forward to those.
163
00:12:57,727 --> 00:13:02,198
lt's the only thing that's kept me
going for the last 15 minutes.
164
00:13:03,447 --> 00:13:07,804
- Anyone want a drink at all?
- ls there any tea left?
165
00:13:07,847 --> 00:13:11,965
l'll have the pineapple
but only if there's some ice left.
166
00:13:12,967 --> 00:13:15,197
l suppose it was to be expected...
167
00:13:16,207 --> 00:13:18,198
on a bank holiday.
168
00:13:20,767 --> 00:13:23,122
lt's too late to go anywhere now.
169
00:13:23,167 --> 00:13:26,045
We may as well turn round
and head back home.
170
00:13:27,047 --> 00:13:30,323
Still, at least it's been a day out.
171
00:13:30,367 --> 00:13:33,439
Change from just sitting inside
all the time.
172
00:13:36,807 --> 00:13:39,116
- There you are.
- Thanks.
173
00:13:44,367 --> 00:13:47,040
- What's this?
- What's what?
174
00:13:48,367 --> 00:13:50,562
There's a wasp in this ice cube!
175
00:13:50,607 --> 00:13:54,680
(Mrs Warboys) l know.
l didn't think you were all that fussy.
176
00:13:55,847 --> 00:14:01,285
Didn't think l was fussy! l'll have
a slice of dead rat, if you've got one.
177
00:14:01,327 --> 00:14:03,682
And a dog turd on a cocktail stick!
178
00:14:06,087 --> 00:14:11,207
What's got into you? Getting all
coarse and crude all of a sudden.
179
00:14:11,247 --> 00:14:16,162
What's got into me?
Bloody freeze-dried wasp, very nearly!
180
00:14:16,207 --> 00:14:19,199
l've had a gutful of today, l can tell you.
181
00:14:20,527 --> 00:14:23,166
Have you finished with that newspaper?
182
00:14:28,407 --> 00:14:32,525
How's your mother, Margaret?
Keeping all right these days?
183
00:14:32,567 --> 00:14:34,762
Touch wood.
184
00:14:34,807 --> 00:14:38,959
(Margaret) Did l tell you
l ran into Mrs Biswell the other day?
185
00:14:39,007 --> 00:14:41,441
Asks to be remembered to you.
186
00:14:41,487 --> 00:14:45,002
Says all the tongues are wagging
down our old road.
187
00:14:45,047 --> 00:14:48,835
Do you remember Bianca Dunlop?
Lived three doors along.
188
00:14:48,887 --> 00:14:50,320
Yes.
189
00:14:50,367 --> 00:14:55,361
She's been using her grandfather's
stair lift for immoral purposes.
190
00:14:55,407 --> 00:14:59,446
(Mrs Warboys)
lmmoral purposes? A stair lift?
191
00:15:00,447 --> 00:15:02,438
How?
192
00:15:03,967 --> 00:15:09,360
She didn't go into details.
l didn't ask her to. Use your imagination.
193
00:15:09,407 --> 00:15:12,638
Man from the Social Services
who went round there
194
00:15:12,687 --> 00:15:16,760
said it showed more signs of
wear and tear than it should have done
195
00:15:16,807 --> 00:15:18,957
and that's what tipped them off.
196
00:15:19,967 --> 00:15:23,198
- Can't say l'm surprised.
- (Mrs Warboys) l know.
197
00:15:23,247 --> 00:15:27,763
She wears nothing in bed
except Sainsbury's cocoa butter.
198
00:15:27,807 --> 00:15:30,367
When she puts the electric blanket on,
199
00:15:30,407 --> 00:15:33,638
the bedroom smells
like a Malaysian restaurant.
200
00:15:33,687 --> 00:15:37,680
- You could saute yourself to death!
- l know!
201
00:15:38,567 --> 00:15:40,683
Ooh, now...
202
00:15:40,727 --> 00:15:45,676
You know that lady that lives
on the corner, in Mr Spiller's old house?
203
00:15:45,727 --> 00:15:47,797
- Mr Spiller?
- You remember!
204
00:15:47,847 --> 00:15:53,001
He had that blind parrot that flew with
a lead of a guide dog in its beak.
205
00:15:53,047 --> 00:15:55,686
- Oh, yes.
- Well...
206
00:15:55,727 --> 00:15:59,640
You know her husband
had that horrible accident?
207
00:15:59,687 --> 00:16:02,963
Fell downstairs
in the middle of Leslie Crowther
208
00:16:03,007 --> 00:16:05,999
and had to have his whole arm
put in plaster?
209
00:16:06,047 --> 00:16:10,882
Well, apparently there was the most
terrible blunder at the hospital.
210
00:16:10,927 --> 00:16:14,636
Because when he went back
to have the cast taken off,
211
00:16:14,687 --> 00:16:17,679
there was nothing in there!
212
00:16:17,727 --> 00:16:21,037
His hand was there but no arm!
213
00:16:21,087 --> 00:16:25,126
lt's gospel truth.
Mrs Birkett told me on top of the bus.
214
00:16:25,167 --> 00:16:30,400
Oh, for God's sake! What absolute tripe
you do talk, the pair of you!
215
00:16:30,447 --> 00:16:34,201
l've never heard such a load of drivel
in all my life!
216
00:16:34,247 --> 00:16:37,080
Why do you want to hear
such bloody things?
217
00:16:37,127 --> 00:16:39,118
l'm sorry, Mr Meldrew?
218
00:16:39,167 --> 00:16:43,126
What people wear in bed!
You'd think it would be private!
219
00:16:43,167 --> 00:16:46,204
Not rabbit about it
to everyone under the sun!
220
00:16:46,247 --> 00:16:48,477
Exactly.
221
00:16:49,487 --> 00:16:54,436
l wouldn't tell anyone about the strange
things you do when you're in bed.
222
00:16:57,087 --> 00:16:59,726
No, neither would l.
223
00:17:05,847 --> 00:17:08,077
Would you like me to drive?
224
00:17:12,327 --> 00:17:14,795
Yes, you can, dear, if you don't mind.
225
00:18:00,167 --> 00:18:01,680
(Tuts)
226
00:18:01,727 --> 00:18:04,082
Typical! See this?
227
00:18:04,127 --> 00:18:07,722
Story about a bloke who was shot
by East End villains.
228
00:18:07,767 --> 00:18:12,443
''They dumped the body,
full of bullet holes, in his brother's car.''
229
00:18:12,487 --> 00:18:17,038
lnterestingly, ''This was something
the local garage failed to spot
230
00:18:17,087 --> 00:18:19,123
''when they did the MOT.''
231
00:18:21,087 --> 00:18:23,555
Must be the same lot that do this one.
232
00:18:23,607 --> 00:18:28,886
Car mechanics! They mended
this gear lever and it's still loose. Look!
233
00:18:32,287 --> 00:18:37,042
lt will be loose if you jerk it about
like an egg whisk. Leave it alone!
234
00:18:38,887 --> 00:18:40,878
(Sighs)
235
00:18:40,927 --> 00:18:45,717
My stomach's rumbling again.
Haven't had any dinner whatsoever.
236
00:18:45,767 --> 00:18:49,316
- Or breakfast.
- Whose fault was that?
237
00:18:49,367 --> 00:18:52,359
Not so much as a morsel of meat
in 24 hours.
238
00:18:53,927 --> 00:18:56,885
Wish l hadn't thrown
that dead wasp away now.
239
00:19:00,807 --> 00:19:05,119
Oh, God, now my prickly heat's
coming on into the bargain.
240
00:19:05,167 --> 00:19:08,796
Like little stabbing needles all over.
241
00:19:08,847 --> 00:19:12,920
Agh! All down my back. Everywhere.
242
00:19:12,967 --> 00:19:16,516
l've got some Wet Ones here. Hang on.
243
00:19:18,247 --> 00:19:21,284
lt'll be the hot flushes any minute.
244
00:19:21,327 --> 00:19:24,160
Thought it was only women
got hot flushes.
245
00:19:24,207 --> 00:19:29,235
lt is, usually. Victor's one of the few men
that suffer from it.
246
00:19:29,287 --> 00:19:33,599
Had them since he saw the details
in his medical encyclopaedia.
247
00:19:33,647 --> 00:19:37,356
Oh, yes! (Laughs)
He's a terror for that thing, isn't he?
248
00:19:37,407 --> 00:19:39,875
Most people have a medical dictionary
249
00:19:39,927 --> 00:19:44,045
so that if they get something wrong
they can find out what it is.
250
00:19:44,087 --> 00:19:46,760
With Victor, it's the other way round.
251
00:19:46,807 --> 00:19:50,880
He looks up a disease
and then develops the symptoms to fit it.
252
00:19:50,927 --> 00:19:54,522
Treats it more
in the way of a Freemans catalogue.
253
00:19:54,567 --> 00:19:57,764
Browsing through
to see what he can die of next.
254
00:19:57,807 --> 00:19:59,001
(Engines start)
255
00:20:00,367 --> 00:20:04,042
Look! lt's the bloody post office
queues all over again!
256
00:20:04,087 --> 00:20:07,204
- Why aren't we moving?
- We'll move in a minute.
257
00:20:07,247 --> 00:20:12,367
l bet we don't. l bet the entire queue
goes past while we're still stuck here!
258
00:20:12,407 --> 00:20:15,160
lt feels as if we're moving backwards.
259
00:20:15,207 --> 00:20:19,280
- You sure he hasn't broken down?
- Of course he hasn't.
260
00:20:19,327 --> 00:20:21,887
Well, we don't know that, do we?
261
00:20:21,927 --> 00:20:25,078
l mean,
there might be nothing in this lane!
262
00:20:25,127 --> 00:20:28,005
We might be behind
a riderless horse box!
263
00:20:28,047 --> 00:20:32,484
The driver might have been thrown
out of his window on a bridge.
264
00:20:32,527 --> 00:20:35,997
Look, we're moving
and the others are slowing down.
265
00:20:36,047 --> 00:20:38,038
Start her up. We're going.
266
00:20:38,087 --> 00:20:41,443
Oh, l don't believe it!
267
00:20:41,487 --> 00:20:43,717
- (Starts engine)
- Don't bother!
268
00:20:43,767 --> 00:20:46,076
Not worth wasting the battery.
269
00:20:46,127 --> 00:20:48,721
Five bloody yards.
270
00:20:50,127 --> 00:20:53,244
l knew it was too good to be true.
271
00:20:53,287 --> 00:20:55,596
No! Recession? What recession?
272
00:20:55,647 --> 00:20:59,162
From where l'm sitting,
l've got two London salons,
273
00:20:59,207 --> 00:21:01,198
both doing serious business.
274
00:21:01,247 --> 00:21:05,718
Well, the economy may stop growing
but your hair doesn't.
275
00:21:05,767 --> 00:21:08,918
l'm looking at options
for an outlet in Pimlico,
276
00:21:08,967 --> 00:21:11,037
probably opening next summer.
277
00:21:11,087 --> 00:21:15,478
Pop along, mention my name and
get a shampoo and set on the house.
278
00:21:15,527 --> 00:21:17,279
Say you know Mr Salmon.
279
00:21:17,327 --> 00:21:21,525
- Ooh, l don't know!
- Sounds a bit fishy to me!
280
00:21:21,567 --> 00:21:23,046
(Girls giggle)
281
00:21:23,087 --> 00:21:27,319
- You could be anybody!
- You'll just have to trust me.
282
00:21:27,367 --> 00:21:31,155
l tell you what, you can have
a full perm for half-price!
283
00:21:31,207 --> 00:21:33,163
- What's your name?
- Lisa.
284
00:21:33,207 --> 00:21:35,482
Lisa. (Laughs) And your friend?
285
00:21:35,527 --> 00:21:38,997
- Carol.
- Carol. You can have the full works.
286
00:21:39,047 --> 00:21:42,437
Cut, dyed and blow-dried,
at 20% discount.
287
00:21:42,487 --> 00:21:46,275
And l might even take you out
for a drink afterwards.
288
00:21:46,327 --> 00:21:49,683
How do you know
l'm not a natural blonde?
289
00:21:49,727 --> 00:21:53,402
- That's for you to prove otherwise.
- (Girls giggle)
290
00:21:53,447 --> 00:21:57,759
Oh, for God's sake,
l think l may throw up.
291
00:21:57,807 --> 00:21:59,763
Sorry, what's your problem?
292
00:21:59,807 --> 00:22:04,676
Why don't you just dangle
your private parts out of the window?
293
00:22:04,727 --> 00:22:08,117
Who asked you
to shove your nose in, you old fart?
294
00:22:08,167 --> 00:22:10,397
l'll shove my nose in when l want.
295
00:22:10,447 --> 00:22:15,077
This is my air space and you're
conducting your sex lives through it.
296
00:22:15,127 --> 00:22:18,642
My car's being used
as a bloody contraceptive!
297
00:22:18,687 --> 00:22:22,441
- Wind the window up.
- We're not suffocating for them.
298
00:22:22,487 --> 00:22:23,886
Let it drop, then.
299
00:22:23,927 --> 00:22:28,443
Just so's he can get off
with two sex-hungry trollops!
300
00:22:28,487 --> 00:22:31,047
l notice it worked for you.
301
00:22:31,087 --> 00:22:34,841
What the bloody hell's
that supposed to mean?
302
00:22:34,887 --> 00:22:38,675
Victor, just let it be, for God's sake!
303
00:22:38,727 --> 00:22:40,957
They're not worth it, Mr Meldrew.
304
00:22:41,007 --> 00:22:44,124
Yeah, let somebody else have a look-in.
305
00:22:45,167 --> 00:22:48,125
l did not come out today
to be insulted by you
306
00:22:48,167 --> 00:22:52,604
and this demented pair of gormless,
pea-brained cretins...
307
00:23:04,127 --> 00:23:07,483
Listen, Grampy,
you know what you can do?
308
00:23:07,527 --> 00:23:10,439
See that horse?
Why don't you go and stick...
309
00:23:10,487 --> 00:23:12,478
(Phone)
310
00:23:16,287 --> 00:23:18,278
Yes, hi.
311
00:23:20,447 --> 00:23:22,438
Sorry?
312
00:23:23,447 --> 00:23:25,438
Yes...
313
00:23:27,207 --> 00:23:29,198
lt's for you.
314
00:23:32,047 --> 00:23:33,560
Yow!
315
00:23:33,607 --> 00:23:37,885
You wired up to the National Grid? Oh!
316
00:23:39,647 --> 00:23:42,241
- (Man ) Hello?
- Hello?
317
00:23:44,567 --> 00:23:46,683
Sorry?
318
00:23:46,727 --> 00:23:48,524
Well...
319
00:23:48,567 --> 00:23:52,480
No, we can't bloody well
move any further forward!
320
00:23:53,487 --> 00:23:56,126
l don't give a bugger if you are!
321
00:23:57,127 --> 00:24:02,326
Six yards nothing! lt's five at the most.
Where's that going to get you anyway?
322
00:24:03,367 --> 00:24:06,325
Well, you can bloody well lump it,
can't you?
323
00:24:06,367 --> 00:24:08,119
(Car horn)
324
00:24:08,167 --> 00:24:10,158
And you!
325
00:24:13,047 --> 00:24:15,436
Ow! Bastard!
326
00:24:29,647 --> 00:24:34,038
Well, l suppose you're happy
as a sandboy now, are you?
327
00:24:34,087 --> 00:24:35,600
What do you mean?
328
00:24:35,647 --> 00:24:39,196
ls there anybody else
you'd like to pick a fight with?
329
00:24:39,247 --> 00:24:42,876
There's a little old lady
over there in an invalid carriage.
330
00:24:42,927 --> 00:24:45,316
Why don't you kick her tyres in?
331
00:24:49,327 --> 00:24:51,602
Well, it wasn't my fault.
332
00:24:58,367 --> 00:25:02,918
l suppose we've got to sit in silence
like a mausoleum now, have we?
333
00:25:06,407 --> 00:25:08,796
l'll put some music on or something.
334
00:25:19,527 --> 00:25:23,918
(# Man, to tune of Bread of Heaven )
There's a bloke we can't stand any longer
335
00:25:23,967 --> 00:25:28,882
# Always on the bleeding moan
336
00:25:28,927 --> 00:25:33,443
# Every time we mend his bloody Honda
337
00:25:33,487 --> 00:25:38,402
# He's back grousing on the phone
338
00:25:38,447 --> 00:25:42,759
(Second man )
# First we fixed his car's ignition
339
00:25:42,807 --> 00:25:47,562
# Checked his brakes
and clutch and then
340
00:25:47,607 --> 00:25:52,078
# Overhauled his whole transmission
341
00:25:52,127 --> 00:25:56,882
(Both men )
# He just brought it back again
342
00:25:56,927 --> 00:25:59,566
(Group of men )
# Victor Meldrew
343
00:25:59,607 --> 00:26:01,916
# Victor Meldrew
344
00:26:01,967 --> 00:26:04,765
# He can stick it up his bum
345
00:26:04,807 --> 00:26:06,559
# Up his bum!
346
00:26:06,607 --> 00:26:10,964
# He can bugger off to kingdom come #
347
00:26:11,847 --> 00:26:13,644
(Jazz plays)
348
00:26:15,247 --> 00:26:17,238
(Music stops)
349
00:26:22,207 --> 00:26:26,200
They've stuck chewing gum
in the record protect hole.
350
00:26:26,247 --> 00:26:28,238
Oh.
351
00:26:29,967 --> 00:26:34,199
They, erm...hold a note quite well,
don't they?
352
00:26:35,247 --> 00:26:37,238
For car mechanics.
353
00:26:40,807 --> 00:26:42,798
(Sighs)
354
00:26:46,127 --> 00:26:49,085
Mirror image of your life, really, isn't it,
355
00:26:49,127 --> 00:26:51,243
car journey on a bank holiday.
356
00:26:52,287 --> 00:26:55,643
First 50-odd miles, on the go all the way,
357
00:26:55,687 --> 00:26:58,679
a sense of direction, bowling along.
358
00:26:59,687 --> 00:27:03,760
Get past 60, everything slows down
to a sudden crawl.
359
00:27:04,887 --> 00:27:08,436
And you realise
you're not going anywhere any more.
360
00:27:10,327 --> 00:27:14,878
All the things you thought you would
do that never came to anything.
361
00:27:16,887 --> 00:27:19,924
And you can't turn the clock back.
362
00:27:22,687 --> 00:27:29,160
One-way traffic just gradually
grinding to a complete halt.
363
00:27:31,967 --> 00:27:34,481
Same for everyone, l suppose.
364
00:27:34,527 --> 00:27:37,041
Suppose.
365
00:27:37,087 --> 00:27:40,636
And you just have to try
and make the best you can of it.
366
00:27:40,687 --> 00:27:42,678
Mm-hm.
367
00:27:45,287 --> 00:27:49,121
Oh, God, l'm bloody ravenous now.
368
00:27:50,567 --> 00:27:53,923
l can't last a moment longer.
lt's no good.
369
00:27:53,967 --> 00:27:56,481
There's only one thing for it.
370
00:27:56,527 --> 00:27:59,325
We'll have to eat Mrs Warboys.
371
00:28:00,887 --> 00:28:03,924
She's gristly
but these are desperate times.
372
00:28:03,967 --> 00:28:08,518
As a close family friend, l'm sure
she'll agree to do the decent thing
373
00:28:08,567 --> 00:28:10,558
and shoot herself.
374
00:28:12,127 --> 00:28:14,243
lt's either that or...
375
00:28:16,527 --> 00:28:18,916
Or what, Mr Meldrew?
376
00:28:18,967 --> 00:28:20,958
Or...
377
00:28:25,527 --> 00:28:26,801
(Sighs)
378
00:28:26,847 --> 00:28:29,236
Where's the sucky sweets?
379
00:28:34,887 --> 00:28:37,924
# They say l might as well face the truth
380
00:28:38,407 --> 00:28:41,319
# That l am just too long in the tooth
381
00:28:41,887 --> 00:28:44,640
# l started to deteriorate
382
00:28:45,207 --> 00:28:48,517
# And now l've passed
my own sell-by date
383
00:28:48,567 --> 00:28:51,764
# Oh, l am no spring chicken, it's true
384
00:28:52,487 --> 00:28:55,923
# l have to pop my teeth in to chew
385
00:28:55,967 --> 00:28:58,401
# And my old knees
have started to knock
386
00:28:59,247 --> 00:29:02,637
# l've just got too many miles
on the clock
387
00:29:02,687 --> 00:29:06,521
# So l'm a wrinkly, crinkly, set in my ways
388
00:29:06,567 --> 00:29:09,957
# lt's true that my body
has seen better days
389
00:29:10,007 --> 00:29:13,966
# But give me half a chance
and l can still misbehave
390
00:29:14,007 --> 00:29:16,475
# One foot in the grave
391
00:29:17,527 --> 00:29:19,518
# One foot in the grave
392
00:29:21,007 --> 00:29:24,124
# One foot in the grave #