# They say l might as well face the truth
# That l am just too long in the tooth
# So l'm an OAP and weak-kneed
# But l have not yet quite gone to seed
# l may be over the hill now that l have retired
# Fading away but l'm not yet expired
# Clapped out, run down, too old to save
# One foot in the grave #
(Victor) Oh...God...
Oh...God...Al...
..mighty!
- Want a sucky sweet? - Sucky sweet!
l'll be sucking that exhaust pipe soon, much more of this.
Yes, l always say that for a really super bank holiday treat,
you can't beat four and a half hours staring up a horse's bottom!
(Horse whinnies)
lt's been so long, l've forgotten what the other end looks like!
Another half-hour, we'll have to put it on our Christmas card list.
Become virtually a friend of the family.
Still there, even when l close my eyes.
Like watching a Party Political Broadcast by Kenneth Clarke.
Oh, God!
Four and a half hours...
of unfettered misery.
We haven't moved now for 20 minutes to my knowledge!
(Sighs)
Where's that AA road map?
- What are you looking up? - Ah, yes, here we are.
Hell on earth. l thought we'd taken a wrong turning.
Oh, God!
l wish l was dead.
l wish you were dead, then l'd get some peace.
There's nothing you can do so don't get aerated.
You've just got to put up with it.
Are you sitting on the Mirror?
- (Horn beeps) - Bugger it!
l said it was faulty!
Safer wearing a black mamba round your neck.
- You try yours. - What for?
- You'll see what l mean. - l don't need to try it.
Try it.
(Sighs)
l suppose it could be worse.
We could have gone to that arts and crafts fair like last year.
Ha! Talk about pathetic!
First prize for design went to a man who'd had a nosebleed on the table.
Got a L5 gift voucher from the Co-op Funeral Parlour.
The paintings on display were a complete joke.
Best watercolour was a photo of Jilly Cooper two cats had urinated on.
Only ones there with any taste.
l'm surprised you remember it,
the amount of turnip wine you put away in the refreshment tent.
Went to the loo - it sounded like someone running a bath.
l was well within my limit. l was perfectly sober.
That's why you had an argument
with a papier-mache replica of the mayor's wife.
Yes... Well, she did look quite realistic, l have to give them that.
Moaning on about litter and what was her husband going to do about it.
What did you think the wisps of newspaper were on her face?
l didn't like to ask. l thought it might be some rare type of eczema.
(Sighs) My God, l'm hot.
Next bank holiday, l'll just book a couple of seats in a bread oven.
My feet are like a brace of boiled lobsters.
Get a move on, for God's sake! What the bloody hell's going on up there?
l can't take much more of this!
Man up there's sunbathing on top of a Pickfords truck.
Oh, misery me.
What time is it?
25 past three.
The clock's two minutes fast.
l've got to go all the way through cos you can't turn it back.
Nothing but trouble, this car.
God knows who the previous owner was.
Moby Dick, judging by the suspension.
Five times it's been back for repair in two months.
lt's one fault after another.
The man in the fish shop said it's all psychosomatic.
What, when your windscreen wiper flies off and spears a wood pigeon?
He said it was a classic case of Hondachondria.
When you imagine everything's wrong with a Japanese car.
lt's all in the mind.
Those electric shocks aren't in my mind, they're all up my bloody arm!
Every time l touch something, 5,000 volts through my fingers.
Sparks and God knows what.
l pull down the garage door,
it's like a scene from Frankenstein's laboratory.
Even set fire to an azalea last week.
l notice it never affects you. Only me, as usual.
Yes, well, some people are more susceptible than others, that's all.
Those that have faulty wiring to start with.
For God's sake, how much longer have we got to sit here?
(Beeps horn continually)
(Victor) Complete waste of human life.
Could have stayed at home today and done something useful.
- Like what? - A million things!
Like what?
Well, l could have cut my toenails for a start. That's one job.
Could do it now if l'd brought that gadget.
Oh, yes. The one that fires the clippings across the room.
- l always pick them up afterwards. - Not always.
- You can't always find them. - l've never lost a toenail yet.
l never move on to the next one till l've found the one l've just cut.
lt's a rule l've always stuck to over the years.
Never known anyone as lethal with a toenail clipper as you.
Got the paper boy in the eye the other day.
Good job you had some Optrex.
l told you to close the windows.
(Derek Jameson on radio ) '..but shock-horror drama...'
(Turns radio off) God, bloody Derek Jameson.
l'd rather listen to the back end of a horse.
What's another name for the dung beetle?
Gyles Brandreth. Can't stand him for love nor money.
Will someone tell them to get a move on up the front?
What have they got out there? Gangs of navvies fitting frilly lampshades?
l've been sat here for half an hour!
My tyres are beginning to take root!
(Sighs)
Given myself a headache doing that now.
l see why people become psychopaths.
lt's like that woman who serves in the butcher's.
ln one of her twitchy moods on Saturday.
Took three of us to prise the meat cleaver off her.
l thought they were moving her to another counter.
They tried her for a week in dairy produce.
They didn't like the way she kept flexing the cheese wire.
She's been banned from the public gallery at inquests now.
Reckon she's been getting more unstable for weeks.
Ever since she found her husband playing chess with an inflatable woman.
Would unhinge anyone, l should think.
ls it ''cheevil''? lt seems to fit.
l'm getting all stiff now.
(Groans)
l'm going to have to get out and stretch my legs.
- (Electricity crackles) - Ow! Bugger that bloody thing!
You should wear rubber soles.
Rubber soles? l need a lightning rod up my trousers!
(Door slams)
(Engines start)
Victor! We're moving!
About time!
(Engine starts)
l don't believe it!
lt's gone beyond all human endurance!
l can't take any more! l can't take another second!
Shit.
That feels a little bit better.
Find one all right, then?
Yes, there's a pub on the other side of that slope. Very friendly.
- Did you want to go? - l'm fine, thanks.
You haven't moved very far, Mr Meldrew.
Evidently not.
l thought you'd be down by that rotting badger.
We're not. Not likely to be, at this rate. Did you get my crisps?
No, sorry. They didn't have salt and vinegar. Only smoky bacon.
- l asked you to get smoky bacon. - You asked for salt and vinegar.
l said don't get salt and vinegar, get smoky bacon!
- They had smoky bacon. - But you didn't get any.
- Three huge boxes. - But you didn't get any.
No.
Thank you very much indeed.
l was looking forward to those.
lt's the only thing that's kept me going for the last 15 minutes.
- Anyone want a drink at all? - ls there any tea left?
l'll have the pineapple but only if there's some ice left.
l suppose it was to be expected...
on a bank holiday.
lt's too late to go anywhere now.
We may as well turn round and head back home.
Still, at least it's been a day out.
Change from just sitting inside all the time.
- There you are. - Thanks.
- What's this? - What's what?
There's a wasp in this ice cube!
(Mrs Warboys) l know. l didn't think you were all that fussy.
Didn't think l was fussy! l'll have a slice of dead rat, if you've got one.
And a dog turd on a cocktail stick!
What's got into you? Getting all coarse and crude all of a sudden.
What's got into me? Bloody freeze-dried wasp, very nearly!
l've had a gutful of today, l can tell you.
Have you finished with that newspaper?
How's your mother, Margaret? Keeping all right these days?
Touch wood.
(Margaret) Did l tell you l ran into Mrs Biswell the other day?
Asks to be remembered to you.
Says all the tongues are wagging down our old road.
Do you remember Bianca Dunlop? Lived three doors along.
Yes.
She's been using her grandfather's stair lift for immoral purposes.
(Mrs Warboys) lmmoral purposes? A stair lift?
How?
She didn't go into details. l didn't ask her to. Use your imagination.
Man from the Social Services who went round there
said it showed more signs of wear and tear than it should have done
and that's what tipped them off.
- Can't say l'm surprised. - (Mrs Warboys) l know.
She wears nothing in bed except Sainsbury's cocoa butter.
When she puts the electric blanket on,
the bedroom smells like a Malaysian restaurant.
- You could saute yourself to death! - l know!
Ooh, now...
You know that lady that lives on the corner, in Mr Spiller's old house?
- Mr Spiller? - You remember!
He had that blind parrot that flew with a lead of a guide dog in its beak.
- Oh, yes. - Well...
You know her husband had that horrible accident?
Fell downstairs in the middle of Leslie Crowther
and had to have his whole arm put in plaster?
Well, apparently there was the most terrible blunder at the hospital.
Because when he went back to have the cast taken off,
there was nothing in there!
His hand was there but no arm!
lt's gospel truth. Mrs Birkett told me on top of the bus.
Oh, for God's sake! What absolute tripe you do talk, the pair of you!
l've never heard such a load of drivel in all my life!
Why do you want to hear such bloody things?
l'm sorry, Mr Meldrew?
What people wear in bed! You'd think it would be private!
Not rabbit about it to everyone under the sun!
Exactly.
l wouldn't tell anyone about the strange things you do when you're in bed.
No, neither would l.
Would you like me to drive?
Yes, you can, dear, if you don't mind.
(Tuts)
Typical! See this?
Story about a bloke who was shot by East End villains.
''They dumped the body, full of bullet holes, in his brother's car.''
lnterestingly, ''This was something the local garage failed to spot
''when they did the MOT.''
Must be the same lot that do this one.
Car mechanics! They mended this gear lever and it's still loose. Look!
lt will be loose if you jerk it about like an egg whisk. Leave it alone!
(Sighs)
My stomach's rumbling again. Haven't had any dinner whatsoever.
- Or breakfast. - Whose fault was that?
Not so much as a morsel of meat in 24 hours.
Wish l hadn't thrown that dead wasp away now.
Oh, God, now my prickly heat's coming on into the bargain.
Like little stabbing needles all over.
Agh! All down my back. Everywhere.
l've got some Wet Ones here. Hang on.
lt'll be the hot flushes any minute.
Thought it was only women got hot flushes.
lt is, usually. Victor's one of the few men that suffer from it.
Had them since he saw the details in his medical encyclopaedia.
Oh, yes! (Laughs) He's a terror for that thing, isn't he?
Most people have a medical dictionary
so that if they get something wrong they can find out what it is.
With Victor, it's the other way round.
He looks up a disease and then develops the symptoms to fit it.
Treats it more in the way of a Freemans catalogue.
Browsing through to see what he can die of next.
(Engines start)
Look! lt's the bloody post office queues all over again!
- Why aren't we moving? - We'll move in a minute.
l bet we don't. l bet the entire queue goes past while we're still stuck here!
lt feels as if we're moving backwards.
- You sure he hasn't broken down? - Of course he hasn't.
Well, we don't know that, do we?
l mean, there might be nothing in this lane!
We might be behind a riderless horse box!
The driver might have been thrown out of his window on a bridge.
Look, we're moving and the others are slowing down.
Start her up. We're going.
Oh, l don't believe it!
- (Starts engine) - Don't bother!
Not worth wasting the battery.
Five bloody yards.
l knew it was too good to be true.
No! Recession? What recession?
From where l'm sitting, l've got two London salons,
both doing serious business.
Well, the economy may stop growing but your hair doesn't.
l'm looking at options for an outlet in Pimlico,
probably opening next summer.
Pop along, mention my name and get a shampoo and set on the house.
Say you know Mr Salmon.
- Ooh, l don't know! - Sounds a bit fishy to me!
(Girls giggle)
- You could be anybody! - You'll just have to trust me.
l tell you what, you can have a full perm for half-price!
- What's your name? - Lisa.
Lisa. (Laughs) And your friend?
- Carol. - Carol. You can have the full works.
Cut, dyed and blow-dried, at 20% discount.
And l might even take you out for a drink afterwards.
How do you know l'm not a natural blonde?
- That's for you to prove otherwise. - (Girls giggle)
Oh, for God's sake, l think l may throw up.
Sorry, what's your problem?
Why don't you just dangle your private parts out of the window?
Who asked you to shove your nose in, you old fart?
l'll shove my nose in when l want.
This is my air space and you're conducting your sex lives through it.
My car's being used as a bloody contraceptive!
- Wind the window up. - We're not suffocating for them.
Let it drop, then.
Just so's he can get off with two sex-hungry trollops!
l notice it worked for you.
What the bloody hell's that supposed to mean?
Victor, just let it be, for God's sake!
They're not worth it, Mr Meldrew.
Yeah, let somebody else have a look-in.
l did not come out today to be insulted by you
and this demented pair of gormless, pea-brained cretins...
Listen, Grampy, you know what you can do?
See that horse? Why don't you go and stick...
(Phone)
Yes, hi.
Sorry?
Yes...
lt's for you.
Yow!
You wired up to the National Grid? Oh!
- (Man ) Hello? - Hello?
Sorry?
Well...
No, we can't bloody well move any further forward!
l don't give a bugger if you are!
Six yards nothing! lt's five at the most. Where's that going to get you anyway?
Well, you can bloody well lump it, can't you?
(Car horn)
And you!
Ow! Bastard!
Well, l suppose you're happy as a sandboy now, are you?
What do you mean?
ls there anybody else you'd like to pick a fight with?
There's a little old lady over there in an invalid carriage.
Why don't you kick her tyres in?
Well, it wasn't my fault.
l suppose we've got to sit in silence like a mausoleum now, have we?
l'll put some music on or something.
(# Man, to tune of Bread of Heaven ) There's a bloke we can't stand any longer
# Always on the bleeding moan
# Every time we mend his bloody Honda
# He's back grousing on the phone
(Second man ) # First we fixed his car's ignition
# Checked his brakes and clutch and then
# Overhauled his whole transmission
(Both men ) # He just brought it back again
(Group of men ) # Victor Meldrew
# He can stick it up his bum
# Up his bum!
# He can bugger off to kingdom come #
(Jazz plays)
(Music stops)
They've stuck chewing gum in the record protect hole.
Oh.
They, erm...hold a note quite well, don't they?
For car mechanics.
(Sighs)
Mirror image of your life, really, isn't it,
car journey on a bank holiday.
First 50-odd miles, on the go all the way,
a sense of direction, bowling along.
Get past 60, everything slows down to a sudden crawl.
And you realise you're not going anywhere any more.
All the things you thought you would do that never came to anything.
And you can't turn the clock back.
One-way traffic just gradually grinding to a complete halt.
Same for everyone, l suppose.
Suppose.
And you just have to try and make the best you can of it.
Mm-hm.
Oh, God, l'm bloody ravenous now.
l can't last a moment longer. lt's no good.
There's only one thing for it.
We'll have to eat Mrs Warboys.
She's gristly but these are desperate times.
As a close family friend, l'm sure she'll agree to do the decent thing
and shoot herself.
lt's either that or...
Or what, Mr Meldrew?
Or...
(Sighs)
Where's the sucky sweets?
# They say l might as well face the truth
# That l am just too long in the tooth
# l started to deteriorate
# And now l've passed my own sell-by date
# Oh, l am no spring chicken, it's true
# l have to pop my teeth in to chew
# And my old knees have started to knock
# l've just got too many miles on the clock
# So l'm a wrinkly, crinkly, set in my ways
# lt's true that my body has seen better days
# But give me half a chance and l can still misbehave
# One foot in the grave
# One foot in the grave #