# They say l might as well face the truth
# That l am just too long in the tooth
# So l'm an OAP and weak-kneed
# But l have not yet quite gone to seed
# l may be over the hill now that l have retired
# Fading away but l've not yet expired
# Clapped out, run down, too old to save
# One foot in the grave #
(Sings)
(Doorbell rings)
(Hums)
- Good morning! - Goodbye.
Dustmen still haven't been.
l take it you were finished with those Sunday supplements?
Yes, l think so, yes.
l think l've digested all the fascinating details
of A Day ln The Life Of Acker Bilk.
And A Room Of My...
And A Room Of My Own by Ken Russell.
Wouldn't have thought there was much to say about a padded cell.
l thought we'd just have a sandwich when l get back.
l'm assuming it's a big dinner tonight. We don't want to spoil our appetites.
You won't forget to ring for the taxi, will you?
The number's here, on top of the telephone.
Oh, God.
You're not back at this madness again?
l thought we agreed to get him a new one,
not put one together from old bits like Frankenstein's monster.
How can we give my nephew this moth-eaten rubbish
for a christening present?
l told you, l rang that big store next to B&Q
and they're going to send us a catalogue.
l'm not forking out an arm and a leg for a child's toy when l can make one.
lt'll look fine when it's finished. Just trust me.
You've never had the slightest aptitude for this sort of thing
as long as l've known you.
You tried to mend a Wendy house from the inside once.
What happened? You got stuck fast
and had to crawl round with it on your back like a giant turtle.
Do you have to do that at the meal table, for goodness' sake?
- l've got to take its squeaker out. - (Toy squeaks)
Well, do it outside where it won't make a mess.
- (Toy squeaks) - Look, l've got to go.
l'll be back about 12:00.
(Sighs) Right!
What time is it now?
About 30 seconds after the last time you asked me.
Will you stop getting so agitated? They won't be here for three hours yet.
l just pray to God they're interested this time.
You know what's putting everyone off, don't you?
Who in their right mind would want to buy a house next door to him?
l'd sooner share a cell with Charles Manson.
l'd sooner share a cell with Charles Manson sometimes.
- (Squeaking) - Oh, dear God, spare us all.
This is a new one.
What is it?
He's got a teddy bear clamped in a Black & Decker Workmate
and he's gouging its eyes out with a potato peeler.
lt reminds me of the time he tried to toilet train that ventriloquist's dummy.
Probably sprinkles dead flies on his cornflakes.
He's carrying out a Caesarean section on it now with a Stanley knife.
(Squeaking)
Perhaps we'd drop the price by another 5,000.
Another letter from the solicitor about Uncle Rodney's will by the look of it.
What do you think?
What do l think?
l think l feel sick.
Sorry?
That's not a teddy bear.
That's the Abominable Dr Phibes in a fur coat.
lt's like the hideous product of a diseased mind.
The poor child goes to bed with that at night?
He'll have nightmares for the rest of his life.
l think l need a hot cup of tea to steady my nerves.
l put a lot of work into that.
l thought l'd made rather a good job of it.
Well, you can just make a good job of taking it out to the dustbin.
And pray that nobody with a weak heart lifts the lid.
- (Doorbell) - That'll be Mr Swainey.
He said he might call round.
Are we still using his mother's carrot cake as a door wedge?
Oh, yes. Hang on.
- Morning, Mr Swainey. - Morning, Mrs Meldrew.
- Like a cup of tea? - l'm not stopping.
l've got to visit old Mr Blackerby at the Sycamores Nursing Home.
Oh, dear, he hasn't been in the wars again?
Yes. He's the only one left there alive, poor old soul -
the Rudolf Hess of geriatric care.
He'd just been rehearsing
for the over-80s production of Sweeney Todd The Demon Barber,
and...well, you'd be surprised what sticklers they are for realism.
Fortunately, the blood transfusion's worked and he's off the danger list, so...
Oh, morning, Mr Meldrew.
- How's the world treating you? - Not too bad, thank you. How are you?
- Have a nice time in North Africa? - Lovely, thanks. Lots of sunshine.
Oh, brought you back a dead scorpion.
Sorry?
Yes, l thought it was something you'd appreciate.
What with your collection of spiders in the airing cupboard.
- Collection of spiders in... - Didn't you tell me...
l don't think that was so much a collection as a plague.
Oh, well. Bit of a novelty anyway, isn't it, huh?
According to the local superstition, it's supposed to be extremely unlucky.
lt's supposed bring down a horrible curse
of evil misfortune and pestilence on whoever owns it
if you believe such nonsense.
- Yes, thank you very much. - You're very welcome.
Anyway, better dash and... Oh, that's interesting, isn't it?
Looks as if it's started working already.
Right, well er... Bye, then.
And l may pop by later with some of Mother's drop scones.
Oh, good. We can build a rockery.
Oh, you've kept it very nice, haven't they?
And l really love the conservatory.
Don't you go wandering off, Justin!
What are the neighbours like, by the way? Are they OK with young children?
Oh... What? Erm, well, l mean...
He's a positive Father Christmas, isn't he, darling?
A real...a real jolly old soul. You know the sort.
No, they'll get on like a house on fire.
lt's definitely the best we've seen so far, isn't it? By a long...
(Justin screams)
Justin! Oh, my God!
(Sobbing)
Well, come on, wave goodbye to your 60,000 quid.
(Engaged tone)
Still engaged.
lt's unusual for that taxi firm to let us down.
You're sure you said six o'clock and not seven?
l know what's happened. That drippy girl's written it down wrong.
She was more concerned about what colour car l wanted than the time.
We'll be lucky if we get there in time for the cheese and biscuits now.
- (Doorbell) - Ah-ah-ah-ah.
Good evening, Mrs Meldrew.
Hello, Mrs Skimpson. l'd forgotten you were coming tonight.
Victor, can you get the football pools money? lt's by the letter rack.
- So, how are you? - We were just on our way out...
Looks all set to bucket down out there.
Going out tonight, are you? Where is that? Somewhere nice, is it?
- We're going out to the... - Somewhere nearby, or is it out of town?
Thank you. And there's your coupons for next week.
So, what is it?
ls it a special do, or what?
lt's my old firm, they're having their annual...
You driving yourself there, or taking a taxi?
No, we're going with a team of elephants via the Himalayas,
just to vary the journey, for a change, you know.
You'd be much better off taking a cab, then you can enjoy yourself, can't you?
Without the worry.
So, see you same time next week then.
Goodbye. Have a good time, both of you.
- (Margaret) Bye, Mrs Skimpson. - Cheerio!
(Sighs)
That taxi firm you rang this morning. Quite helpful, were they?
About as helpful as anyone is these days. Why?
Just that when you rang and asked them to send you a car,
they asked what colour you'd like.
Yes. God knows what they wanted...
They didn't say anything about the size of the vehicle?
No, why?
What the hell's this?
This is your idea of a minicab, is it?
lt was on the doorstep.
Well? What are we waiting for?
Why don't we both jump in and go?
A to B Taxis, Victor, for God's sake!
lt was printed plainly enough on the front.
On the other side, l jotted down the number of that toy store next to B&Q.
You must have realised that they were talking about...
l give up.
l just...give up.
l don't believe it.
Still, in a world of faulty workmanship,
it's nice to know that this is working properly, the curse of the scorpion.
Don't be ridiculous. You don't believe that superstitious twaddle, surely?
(Clap of thunder)
(Water drips)
What have they got to say about Uncle Rodney's will? Anything worth having?
Nope.
What's that long list then?
Just a load of junk he left.
Says if l want to pick anything out, l can.
Otherwise they'll auction it all off and send me the money.
Must be something there, surely?
''One willow pattern chamber pot, chipped.
''One pair of false teeth, cracked.
''One lace antimacassar, ripped.
''One pair of Hush Puppies, scuffed.
''One stainless steel milk churn, stained.
''One souvenir from Stilton chessboard...''
Or is it ''cheeseboard''?
That's it - misprint. ''Warped.
''One China basin, broken.
''One plastic fried egg, perfect condition.
''14 chickens, three ducks and a cockerel...''
- Real or plastic? - Real.
He kept them in that big field out the back.
''One man's bathing costume, right sleeve missing.
''One signed copy of the Harold Hare Annual, 1954...''
Signed by who?
Doesn't say.
''One cot, back leg slightly damaged.
''One porcelain rhinoceros, chi...''
Oh, that might be worth having.
What, a porcelain rhinoceros?
The cot.
l remember seeing that in their nursery when l was a child.
Lovely big Victorian thing with carved rosebuds and birds down the side.
lt was beautiful.
- They'd love that. - Who would?
Andy and Janet. For the christening.
lt'll be right up their street.
Where were we?
Lot 362.
''One cot, back leg slightly damaged.''
Well, it probably only needs a couple of nails. Even you could manage that.
Yes. l'll get onto that first thing in the morning.
- Have you set the alarm for 1 :30? - Yes.
- To empty the bucket? - Yes.
So much for the new tiles he was supposed to have put up.
Don't worry, l'll get onto that first thing in the morning.
- Well, see that you do. - l will.
- Now see that you do. - l will!
Well, any joy?
Yes, l think it's safe to say l've had a very good day, all told.
ln the morning, l turned some water into wine,
then l healed a few lepers
and after lunch, l popped over and parted the waters of the Red Sea.
Did the man come about the roof?
No, but you can't expect miracles.
Have you waited in for him all day?
Yes, just the nine and a half hours.
Fortunately, l didn't have a chance to get bored
because for seven of those hours, there was two men in torn vests outside
scraping shovels across the pavement.
l believe it's a new concept in street theatre.
l can play you some excerpts, if you'd like.
l thought we'd start off with this one, Symphony For Shovels ln A Minor.
(Scraping)
lsn't it lovely? l could listen to it for hours.
Rather fortunate, really, because that's how long it lasted for.
You actually stuck microphones out of the window and recorded that?
Yes. And l'll tell you another thing.
l don't like the way that Mrs Tibbins' TV aerial keeps grinning at me.
- Keeps what? - You look. Up there, on that chimney.
lt's like a huge face with a big, silly grin across it,
gazing right down at us. See?
Someone up there's laughing at us,
laughing and mocking us over the great big practical joke called life!
Your imagination.
l can't see anything, except a TV aerial on top of somebody's chimney.
Oh! Will you, for God's sake, turn that thing off?
lt's driving me round the bloody bend!
l am giving this straight to the Scouts for their jumble tonight.
lt gives me the creeps.
Take my coat upstairs while l put the potatoes on.
(Phone)
4291?
- (Man ) Mr Meldrew? - Speaking.
Good evening. You don't know me, Mr Meldrew. My name's Jack.
l'm one of the people who burgled your house a couple of weeks ago.
l beg your pardon?
l was wondering if you could just help us out on a couple of points.
You remember we half-inched a video of yours?
One of them Hitachi long-play models.
lt's very good and everything, don't get me wrong,
it records great, smashing picture and everything.
Only we're having a bit of trouble working out the 14-day timer.
l wondered if you've still got the manual to hand at all.
Still got the manual?
We can't make head nor tail of it this end.
As you appreciate, we're out most nights breaking and entering.
And we don't like to miss Home And Away.
You don't like to miss Home And Away? What the bloody hell do you think l am?
You steal my vi... How are you getting on with our three-piece suite, all right?
Send the cushion covers over and we'll put them through the wash for you!
There's no need to take that attitude.
l'll take what bloody attitude l like and you can just sod off!
Hello? Hello?
You callous, cold-hearted thieving bastards!
l'll show you a couple of points!
l'll have you straight up to this point when l see you.
l'll bloody well tear your liver out and feed it to the cat, you see if l don't!
Ah, good evening. Mr and Mrs Tildsley?
Ah, yes.
No, l'm sorry, l think we've got the wrong address.
(Car engine starts)
And from what l heard, the hospital fitted him with a completely new one.
And now he can play snooker with it.
Sorry?
Oh, no. We got rid of that last week. Didn't l tell you?
l gave it to the Scouts for their jumble.
And since then, touch wood,
we haven't had any bad luck of any kind whatsoever. Quite the reverse, in fact.
We had a note through the door this morning
saying we'd won third prize in the women's Bright Hour monthly lottery.
Yes, Victor's popped round there now to pick it up.
Yes, l hope so.
Right, l'll talk to you tomorrow, Mum. OK.
Bye-bye.
Well, what was it? Anything nice?
Oh, you're joking?
l swear, that grin in Mrs Tibbins' TV aerial got bigger
when it saw me coming back.
Now we know where they get their crappy lottery prizes from.
The bloody thing's bewitched.
Well, do anything, but just get rid of it before we have any more bad luck.
What is it?
We're too late.
''Couldn't get a reply round the front,
''so thought it safest to leave here.
''Hope that's OK.''
l was in the bath. l thought it was those Jehovah's Witnesses come back again.
(Cow moos)
''Dear Mrs Medleroo,
''Thank you for your letter requesting lot 362,
''the despatch of which we are now authorising.
''We will notify you of the proceeds of the remainder in due course.''
Well, l didn't imagine it.
lt said ''cot''.
You saw the list as well. ''One cot, back leg slightly damaged.''
Brilliant. Absolutely brilliant.
l wonder what ''China basin'' was a misprint for? Chinese bison?
l think this puts my little blunder with the taxi into perspective, wouldn't you say?
l mean, it only takes a bit of common sense.
What did they think we'd want this bloody cow for in the first place?
To start up our own dairy in the potting shed?
We can't keep it here.
Of course not.
l'll just slip it into the freezer with the beefburgers.
- You stay here and keep her talking. - Victor, it won't eat me, will it?
Victor? Victor!
Evening, Mr Meldrew. You left your front door open.
You want to be careful of that,
there's a lot of nasty people about these days.
So, how's everything with you this week, all right?
- No, we've got a cow in the garden... - Oh, fancy. This mine here, is it?
- ..by any stretch of the imagination! - l'll help myself, shall l?
L4.20. That's lovely.
And there's your ones for next week.
Ooh!
That's nice.
Never seen anything like that before.
lt's very unusual.
- Right, you can have it. lt's yours. Hello! - Oh, are you sure, Mr Meldrew?
What is it? Some kind of paperweight, is it?
- lt's very heavy. - No, it's an evil talisman actually,
- that brings bad luck and misfortune... - That's ever so kind of you.
l might give it to my son - he loves anything like that.
See you same time next week then. Bye, Mr Meldrew!
Goodbye, Mrs Skimpson. May God have mercy on your soul.
Hello? ls that Danziger, Prosser & Kemp?
No. lf you think of some of the rabbit hutches we've seen, it's very spacious.
And you've got the south-facing front window,
which is a real suntrap in the summer, isn't it?
lt certainly is, yeah.
And the outlook, well, we've always really loved it.
And you've got the curtains in here, as well as upstairs,
which are only a year old, aren't they?
(Cow moos)
(Glass breaks)
And, um...
we've got the mad cow in the conservatory.
What happened? ls it Mrs Skimpson? What happened?
Mugger, apparently.
Young bloke with a flick knife jumped out in front of her in the alley.
Oh, God.
She'd only just been round at our house, not long before.
And l gave her that scorpion.
l know. That's luck for you.
Yes.
God knows what she'd have done without it, eh, Mrs Skimpson?
l know!
lt was the first thing that came to hand.
And l didn't even think about it.
l just lashed out - wallop!
l'm afraid l caught him hard on the right temple.
And he went out like a light. Pow!
Deadly weapon this, Mr Meldrew, in the wrong hands.
Oh, right.
Makes you wonder. Must be someone up there looking after us.
- Do you reckon, Mr Meldrew? - Yes.
Well, some of us.
# They say l might as well face the truth
# That l am just too long in the tooth
# l've started to deteriorate
# And now l've passed my own sell-by date
# Oh, l am no spring chicken, it's true
# l have to pop my teeth in to chew
# And my old knees have started to knock
# l've just got too many miles on the clock
# So l'm a wrinkly, crinkly, set in my ways
# lt's true that my body has seen better days
# But give me half a chance and l can still misbehave
# One foot in the grave
# One foot in the grave #