1
00:00:03,007 --> 00:00:06,397
# They say l might as well face the truth
2
00:00:06,447 --> 00:00:09,883
# That l am just too long in the tooth
3
00:00:09,927 --> 00:00:13,363
# So l'm an OAP and weak-kneed
4
00:00:13,407 --> 00:00:16,797
# But l have not yet quite gone to seed
5
00:00:16,847 --> 00:00:20,886
# l may be over the hill
now that l have retired
6
00:00:20,927 --> 00:00:24,203
# Fading away but l've not yet expired
7
00:00:24,247 --> 00:00:28,365
# Clapped out, run down, too old to save
8
00:00:28,407 --> 00:00:30,716
# One foot in the grave #
9
00:00:33,567 --> 00:00:35,876
(Sings)
10
00:00:43,207 --> 00:00:45,198
(Doorbell rings)
11
00:00:48,087 --> 00:00:49,805
(Hums)
12
00:00:50,807 --> 00:00:53,002
- Good morning!
- Goodbye.
13
00:01:10,127 --> 00:01:12,846
Dustmen still haven't been.
14
00:01:13,527 --> 00:01:16,485
l take it you were finished
with those Sunday supplements?
15
00:01:16,527 --> 00:01:18,358
Yes, l think so, yes.
16
00:01:18,407 --> 00:01:21,126
l think l've digested
all the fascinating details
17
00:01:21,167 --> 00:01:23,522
of A Day ln The Life Of Acker Bilk.
18
00:01:24,727 --> 00:01:26,683
And A Room Of My...
19
00:01:33,247 --> 00:01:35,556
And A Room Of My Own by Ken Russell.
20
00:01:35,607 --> 00:01:39,043
Wouldn't have thought there was
much to say about a padded cell.
21
00:01:39,087 --> 00:01:41,840
l thought we'd just have a sandwich
when l get back.
22
00:01:41,887 --> 00:01:45,960
l'm assuming it's a big dinner tonight.
We don't want to spoil our appetites.
23
00:01:46,007 --> 00:01:49,238
You won't forget to ring for the taxi,
will you?
24
00:01:49,287 --> 00:01:51,562
The number's here,
on top of the telephone.
25
00:01:55,887 --> 00:01:58,321
Oh, God.
26
00:01:59,327 --> 00:02:02,842
You're not back at this madness again?
27
00:02:02,887 --> 00:02:05,276
l thought we agreed
to get him a new one,
28
00:02:05,327 --> 00:02:10,003
not put one together from old bits
like Frankenstein's monster.
29
00:02:10,047 --> 00:02:13,323
How can we give my nephew
this moth-eaten rubbish
30
00:02:13,367 --> 00:02:15,039
for a christening present?
31
00:02:15,087 --> 00:02:17,521
l told you,
l rang that big store next to B&Q
32
00:02:17,567 --> 00:02:19,637
and they're going to send us a catalogue.
33
00:02:19,687 --> 00:02:24,920
l'm not forking out an arm and a leg
for a child's toy when l can make one.
34
00:02:24,967 --> 00:02:28,403
lt'll look fine when it's finished.
Just trust me.
35
00:02:31,567 --> 00:02:34,764
You've never had the slightest aptitude
for this sort of thing
36
00:02:34,807 --> 00:02:36,365
as long as l've known you.
37
00:02:36,407 --> 00:02:39,240
You tried to mend a Wendy house
from the inside once.
38
00:02:39,287 --> 00:02:41,005
What happened? You got stuck fast
39
00:02:41,047 --> 00:02:45,120
and had to crawl round with it
on your back like a giant turtle.
40
00:02:46,487 --> 00:02:51,322
Do you have to do that at the meal table,
for goodness' sake?
41
00:02:51,367 --> 00:02:54,165
- l've got to take its squeaker out.
- (Toy squeaks)
42
00:02:54,207 --> 00:02:57,005
Well, do it outside
where it won't make a mess.
43
00:02:57,047 --> 00:02:59,607
- (Toy squeaks)
- Look, l've got to go.
44
00:02:59,647 --> 00:03:01,478
l'll be back about 12:00.
45
00:03:01,527 --> 00:03:03,324
(Sighs) Right!
46
00:03:14,447 --> 00:03:16,199
What time is it now?
47
00:03:16,247 --> 00:03:18,920
About 30 seconds after
the last time you asked me.
48
00:03:18,967 --> 00:03:23,006
Will you stop getting so agitated?
They won't be here for three hours yet.
49
00:03:23,047 --> 00:03:25,720
l just pray to God
they're interested this time.
50
00:03:25,767 --> 00:03:29,362
You know what's putting everyone off,
don't you?
51
00:03:29,407 --> 00:03:32,843
Who in their right mind would want
to buy a house next door to him?
52
00:03:32,887 --> 00:03:35,447
l'd sooner share a cell
with Charles Manson.
53
00:03:35,487 --> 00:03:38,763
l'd sooner share a cell
with Charles Manson sometimes.
54
00:03:38,807 --> 00:03:41,958
- (Squeaking)
- Oh, dear God, spare us all.
55
00:03:42,007 --> 00:03:43,998
This is a new one.
56
00:03:44,047 --> 00:03:45,605
What is it?
57
00:03:45,647 --> 00:03:48,605
He's got a teddy bear clamped
in a Black & Decker Workmate
58
00:03:48,647 --> 00:03:51,286
and he's gouging its eyes out
with a potato peeler.
59
00:03:53,607 --> 00:03:57,919
lt reminds me of the time he tried to
toilet train that ventriloquist's dummy.
60
00:03:57,967 --> 00:04:01,403
Probably sprinkles dead flies
on his cornflakes.
61
00:04:01,447 --> 00:04:05,486
He's carrying out a Caesarean section
on it now with a Stanley knife.
62
00:04:05,527 --> 00:04:07,518
(Squeaking)
63
00:04:11,927 --> 00:04:16,557
Perhaps we'd drop the
price by another 5,000.
64
00:04:16,607 --> 00:04:21,635
Another letter from the solicitor about
Uncle Rodney's will by the look of it.
65
00:04:26,327 --> 00:04:28,124
What do you think?
66
00:04:28,167 --> 00:04:30,362
What do l think?
67
00:04:30,407 --> 00:04:32,602
l think l feel sick.
68
00:04:33,927 --> 00:04:35,918
Sorry?
69
00:04:35,967 --> 00:04:37,958
That's not a teddy bear.
70
00:04:38,967 --> 00:04:42,357
That's the Abominable Dr Phibes
in a fur coat.
71
00:04:44,047 --> 00:04:47,642
lt's like the hideous product
of a diseased mind.
72
00:04:49,007 --> 00:04:52,044
The poor child goes to bed
with that at night?
73
00:04:53,047 --> 00:04:56,278
He'll have nightmares
for the rest of his life.
74
00:04:56,327 --> 00:04:59,524
l think l need a hot cup of tea
to steady my nerves.
75
00:05:03,527 --> 00:05:05,597
l put a lot of work into that.
76
00:05:05,647 --> 00:05:08,036
l thought l'd made rather a good job of it.
77
00:05:08,087 --> 00:05:11,921
Well, you can just make a good job
of taking it out to the dustbin.
78
00:05:11,967 --> 00:05:15,562
And pray that nobody with a weak heart
lifts the lid.
79
00:05:15,607 --> 00:05:18,565
- (Doorbell)
- That'll be Mr Swainey.
80
00:05:18,607 --> 00:05:20,598
He said he might call round.
81
00:05:23,207 --> 00:05:26,756
Are we still using his mother's
carrot cake as a door wedge?
82
00:05:26,807 --> 00:05:29,116
Oh, yes. Hang on.
83
00:05:35,527 --> 00:05:38,997
- Morning, Mr Swainey.
- Morning, Mrs Meldrew.
84
00:05:39,047 --> 00:05:41,880
- Like a cup of tea?
- l'm not stopping.
85
00:05:41,927 --> 00:05:45,317
l've got to visit old Mr Blackerby
at the Sycamores Nursing Home.
86
00:05:45,367 --> 00:05:48,803
Oh, dear, he hasn't been
in the wars again?
87
00:05:48,847 --> 00:05:52,123
Yes. He's the only one
left there alive, poor old soul -
88
00:05:52,167 --> 00:05:54,681
the Rudolf Hess of geriatric care.
89
00:05:54,727 --> 00:05:56,683
He'd just been rehearsing
90
00:05:56,727 --> 00:06:00,356
for the over-80s production
of Sweeney Todd The Demon Barber,
91
00:06:00,407 --> 00:06:04,400
and...well, you'd be surprised
what sticklers they are for realism.
92
00:06:04,447 --> 00:06:08,440
Fortunately, the blood transfusion's
worked and he's off the danger list, so...
93
00:06:09,287 --> 00:06:11,198
Oh, morning, Mr Meldrew.
94
00:06:11,247 --> 00:06:14,717
- How's the world treating you?
- Not too bad, thank you. How are you?
95
00:06:14,767 --> 00:06:19,682
- Have a nice time in North Africa?
- Lovely, thanks. Lots of sunshine.
96
00:06:19,727 --> 00:06:22,036
Oh, brought you back a dead scorpion.
97
00:06:23,287 --> 00:06:25,278
Sorry?
98
00:06:28,967 --> 00:06:31,879
Yes, l thought it was something
you'd appreciate.
99
00:06:31,927 --> 00:06:35,442
What with your collection of spiders
in the airing cupboard.
100
00:06:35,487 --> 00:06:37,876
- Collection of spiders in...
- Didn't you tell me...
101
00:06:37,927 --> 00:06:41,044
l don't think that was so much
a collection as a plague.
102
00:06:41,087 --> 00:06:45,046
Oh, well. Bit of a novelty anyway,
isn't it, huh?
103
00:06:45,087 --> 00:06:49,956
According to the local superstition,
it's supposed to be extremely unlucky.
104
00:06:50,967 --> 00:06:53,845
lt's supposed bring down
a horrible curse
105
00:06:53,887 --> 00:06:58,642
of evil misfortune and pestilence
on whoever owns it
106
00:06:58,687 --> 00:07:00,678
if you believe such nonsense.
107
00:07:03,207 --> 00:07:06,244
- Yes, thank you very much.
- You're very welcome.
108
00:07:06,287 --> 00:07:11,725
Anyway, better dash and...
Oh, that's interesting, isn't it?
109
00:07:11,767 --> 00:07:14,440
Looks as if it's started working already.
110
00:07:14,487 --> 00:07:16,955
Right, well er... Bye, then.
111
00:07:17,007 --> 00:07:20,716
And l may pop by later
with some of Mother's drop scones.
112
00:07:20,767 --> 00:07:23,486
Oh, good. We can build a rockery.
113
00:07:31,727 --> 00:07:35,276
Oh, you've kept it very nice,
haven't they?
114
00:07:35,327 --> 00:07:37,921
And l really love the conservatory.
115
00:07:37,967 --> 00:07:40,800
Don't you go wandering off, Justin!
116
00:07:42,087 --> 00:07:46,717
What are the neighbours like, by the
way? Are they OK with young children?
117
00:07:47,767 --> 00:07:51,999
Oh... What? Erm, well, l mean...
118
00:07:52,047 --> 00:07:55,084
He's a positive Father Christmas,
isn't he, darling?
119
00:07:55,127 --> 00:07:59,279
A real...a real jolly old soul.
You know the sort.
120
00:07:59,327 --> 00:08:02,683
No, they'll get on like a house on fire.
121
00:08:27,287 --> 00:08:31,485
lt's definitely the best we've seen so far,
isn't it? By a long...
122
00:08:31,527 --> 00:08:32,926
(Justin screams)
123
00:08:32,967 --> 00:08:34,844
Justin! Oh, my God!
124
00:08:40,847 --> 00:08:42,838
(Sobbing)
125
00:08:47,367 --> 00:08:50,837
Well, come on,
wave goodbye to your 60,000 quid.
126
00:09:22,127 --> 00:09:24,118
(Engaged tone)
127
00:09:24,167 --> 00:09:26,158
Still engaged.
128
00:09:27,807 --> 00:09:30,640
lt's unusual for that taxi firm
to let us down.
129
00:09:31,647 --> 00:09:34,241
You're sure you said six o'clock
and not seven?
130
00:09:34,287 --> 00:09:38,678
l know what's happened.
That drippy girl's written it down wrong.
131
00:09:39,367 --> 00:09:42,962
She was more concerned about
what colour car l wanted than the time.
132
00:09:44,247 --> 00:09:47,842
We'll be lucky if we get there in time
for the cheese and biscuits now.
133
00:09:47,887 --> 00:09:49,878
- (Doorbell)
- Ah-ah-ah-ah.
134
00:09:56,727 --> 00:09:58,763
Good evening, Mrs Meldrew.
135
00:09:58,807 --> 00:10:02,117
Hello, Mrs Skimpson.
l'd forgotten you were coming tonight.
136
00:10:02,167 --> 00:10:06,046
Victor, can you get the football pools
money? lt's by the letter rack.
137
00:10:06,087 --> 00:10:09,159
- So, how are you?
- We were just on our way out...
138
00:10:09,207 --> 00:10:12,324
Looks all set to bucket down out there.
139
00:10:12,367 --> 00:10:16,679
Going out tonight, are you?
Where is that? Somewhere nice, is it?
140
00:10:16,727 --> 00:10:22,518
- We're going out to the...
- Somewhere nearby, or is it out of town?
141
00:10:23,527 --> 00:10:28,203
Thank you.
And there's your coupons for next week.
142
00:10:28,247 --> 00:10:30,442
So, what is it?
143
00:10:30,487 --> 00:10:32,717
ls it a special do, or what?
144
00:10:32,767 --> 00:10:35,406
lt's my old firm,
they're having their annual...
145
00:10:35,447 --> 00:10:39,201
You driving yourself there,
or taking a taxi?
146
00:10:39,247 --> 00:10:42,956
No, we're going with a team of elephants
via the Himalayas,
147
00:10:43,007 --> 00:10:45,840
just to vary the journey,
for a change, you know.
148
00:10:45,887 --> 00:10:50,483
You'd be much better off taking a cab,
then you can enjoy yourself, can't you?
149
00:10:50,527 --> 00:10:52,119
Without the worry.
150
00:10:52,167 --> 00:10:55,045
So, see you same time next week then.
151
00:10:55,087 --> 00:10:57,647
Goodbye. Have a good time, both of you.
152
00:10:57,687 --> 00:11:00,076
- (Margaret) Bye, Mrs Skimpson.
- Cheerio!
153
00:11:10,247 --> 00:11:11,646
(Sighs)
154
00:11:14,687 --> 00:11:19,920
That taxi firm you rang this morning.
Quite helpful, were they?
155
00:11:19,967 --> 00:11:22,640
About as helpful as anyone is
these days. Why?
156
00:11:22,687 --> 00:11:26,077
Just that when you rang
and asked them to send you a car,
157
00:11:26,127 --> 00:11:28,277
they asked what colour you'd like.
158
00:11:28,327 --> 00:11:30,238
Yes. God knows what they wanted...
159
00:11:30,287 --> 00:11:33,962
They didn't say anything
about the size of the vehicle?
160
00:11:34,007 --> 00:11:35,679
No, why?
161
00:11:41,647 --> 00:11:43,365
What the hell's this?
162
00:11:45,527 --> 00:11:49,566
This is your idea of a minicab, is it?
163
00:11:50,807 --> 00:11:52,798
lt was on the doorstep.
164
00:11:54,407 --> 00:11:57,285
Well? What are we waiting for?
165
00:11:57,327 --> 00:12:00,000
Why don't we both jump in and go?
166
00:12:03,767 --> 00:12:06,884
A to B Taxis, Victor, for God's sake!
167
00:12:06,927 --> 00:12:09,236
lt was printed
plainly enough on the front.
168
00:12:09,287 --> 00:12:13,644
On the other side, l jotted down the
number of that toy store next to B&Q.
169
00:12:15,247 --> 00:12:19,001
You must have realised
that they were talking about...
170
00:12:20,847 --> 00:12:22,439
l give up.
171
00:12:22,487 --> 00:12:24,682
l just...give up.
172
00:12:25,687 --> 00:12:28,076
l don't believe it.
173
00:12:30,767 --> 00:12:33,759
Still, in a world of faulty workmanship,
174
00:12:33,807 --> 00:12:37,766
it's nice to know that this is working
properly, the curse of the scorpion.
175
00:12:37,807 --> 00:12:42,676
Don't be ridiculous. You don't believe
that superstitious twaddle, surely?
176
00:12:42,727 --> 00:12:44,399
(Clap of thunder)
177
00:13:01,007 --> 00:13:02,645
(Water drips)
178
00:13:08,767 --> 00:13:12,806
What have they got to say about Uncle
Rodney's will? Anything worth having?
179
00:13:12,847 --> 00:13:14,565
Nope.
180
00:13:14,607 --> 00:13:16,996
What's that long list then?
181
00:13:17,047 --> 00:13:19,436
Just a load of junk he left.
182
00:13:20,287 --> 00:13:22,357
Says if l want to pick anything out, l can.
183
00:13:22,407 --> 00:13:25,797
Otherwise they'll auction it all off
and send me the money.
184
00:13:25,847 --> 00:13:27,997
Must be something there, surely?
185
00:13:30,727 --> 00:13:35,164
''One willow pattern chamber pot,
chipped.
186
00:13:35,207 --> 00:13:38,483
''One pair of false teeth, cracked.
187
00:13:38,527 --> 00:13:41,644
''One lace antimacassar, ripped.
188
00:13:41,687 --> 00:13:44,759
''One pair of Hush Puppies, scuffed.
189
00:13:44,807 --> 00:13:49,005
''One stainless steel milk churn, stained.
190
00:13:50,007 --> 00:13:53,363
''One souvenir from Stilton
chessboard...''
191
00:13:53,407 --> 00:13:55,398
Or is it ''cheeseboard''?
192
00:13:55,447 --> 00:13:58,200
That's it - misprint. ''Warped.
193
00:13:58,247 --> 00:14:00,920
''One China basin, broken.
194
00:14:00,967 --> 00:14:04,164
''One plastic fried egg, perfect condition.
195
00:14:05,807 --> 00:14:08,958
''14 chickens,
three ducks and a cockerel...''
196
00:14:09,007 --> 00:14:12,204
- Real or plastic?
- Real.
197
00:14:12,247 --> 00:14:15,205
He kept them
in that big field out the back.
198
00:14:15,247 --> 00:14:19,638
''One man's bathing costume,
right sleeve missing.
199
00:14:21,247 --> 00:14:25,525
''One signed copy
of the Harold Hare Annual, 1954...''
200
00:14:25,567 --> 00:14:27,364
Signed by who?
201
00:14:27,407 --> 00:14:29,204
Doesn't say.
202
00:14:29,247 --> 00:14:32,319
''One cot, back leg slightly damaged.
203
00:14:32,367 --> 00:14:36,280
''One porcelain rhinoceros, chi...''
204
00:14:36,327 --> 00:14:38,761
Oh, that might be worth having.
205
00:14:38,807 --> 00:14:41,480
What, a porcelain rhinoceros?
206
00:14:41,527 --> 00:14:43,404
The cot.
207
00:14:43,447 --> 00:14:47,360
l remember seeing that
in their nursery when l was a child.
208
00:14:48,207 --> 00:14:54,680
Lovely big Victorian thing with carved
rosebuds and birds down the side.
209
00:14:54,727 --> 00:14:57,036
lt was beautiful.
210
00:14:57,087 --> 00:14:58,839
- They'd love that.
- Who would?
211
00:14:59,847 --> 00:15:02,407
Andy and Janet. For the christening.
212
00:15:02,447 --> 00:15:04,517
lt'll be right up their street.
213
00:15:04,567 --> 00:15:06,398
Where were we?
214
00:15:06,447 --> 00:15:08,438
Lot 362.
215
00:15:08,487 --> 00:15:12,275
''One cot, back leg slightly damaged.''
216
00:15:12,327 --> 00:15:16,400
Well, it probably only needs a couple
of nails. Even you could manage that.
217
00:15:16,447 --> 00:15:20,486
Yes. l'll get onto that
first thing in the morning.
218
00:15:21,487 --> 00:15:24,285
- Have you set the alarm for 1 :30?
- Yes.
219
00:15:24,327 --> 00:15:26,318
- To empty the bucket?
- Yes.
220
00:15:27,807 --> 00:15:30,958
So much for the new tiles
he was supposed to have put up.
221
00:15:31,007 --> 00:15:34,044
Don't worry, l'll get onto that
first thing in the morning.
222
00:15:34,087 --> 00:15:36,362
- Well, see that you do.
- l will.
223
00:15:36,407 --> 00:15:39,046
- Now see that you do.
- l will!
224
00:15:51,727 --> 00:15:53,524
Well, any joy?
225
00:15:53,567 --> 00:15:58,118
Yes, l think it's safe to say
l've had a very good day, all told.
226
00:15:58,167 --> 00:16:01,398
ln the morning,
l turned some water into wine,
227
00:16:01,447 --> 00:16:03,244
then l healed a few lepers
228
00:16:03,287 --> 00:16:06,757
and after lunch, l popped over
and parted the waters of the Red Sea.
229
00:16:08,087 --> 00:16:09,884
Did the man come about the roof?
230
00:16:09,927 --> 00:16:12,521
No, but you can't expect miracles.
231
00:16:12,567 --> 00:16:14,922
Have you waited in for him all day?
232
00:16:14,967 --> 00:16:17,640
Yes, just the nine and a half hours.
233
00:16:17,687 --> 00:16:20,326
Fortunately,
l didn't have a chance to get bored
234
00:16:20,367 --> 00:16:24,280
because for seven of those hours,
there was two men in torn vests outside
235
00:16:24,327 --> 00:16:27,876
scraping shovels across the pavement.
236
00:16:27,927 --> 00:16:30,919
l believe it's a new concept
in street theatre.
237
00:16:30,967 --> 00:16:33,720
l can play you some excerpts,
if you'd like.
238
00:16:33,767 --> 00:16:38,522
l thought we'd start off with this one,
Symphony For Shovels ln A Minor.
239
00:16:38,567 --> 00:16:40,558
(Scraping)
240
00:16:43,087 --> 00:16:46,796
lsn't it lovely?
l could listen to it for hours.
241
00:16:46,847 --> 00:16:51,602
Rather fortunate, really,
because that's how long it lasted for.
242
00:16:51,647 --> 00:16:57,085
You actually stuck microphones
out of the window and recorded that?
243
00:16:57,127 --> 00:16:59,118
Yes. And l'll tell you another thing.
244
00:16:59,167 --> 00:17:03,797
l don't like the way that Mrs Tibbins'
TV aerial keeps grinning at me.
245
00:17:03,847 --> 00:17:07,203
- Keeps what?
- You look. Up there, on that chimney.
246
00:17:07,247 --> 00:17:10,842
lt's like a huge face
with a big, silly grin across it,
247
00:17:10,887 --> 00:17:12,878
gazing right down at us. See?
248
00:17:12,927 --> 00:17:15,236
Someone up there's laughing at us,
249
00:17:15,287 --> 00:17:19,485
laughing and mocking us over
the great big practical joke called life!
250
00:17:19,527 --> 00:17:21,199
Your imagination.
251
00:17:21,247 --> 00:17:25,684
l can't see anything, except a TV aerial
on top of somebody's chimney.
252
00:17:25,727 --> 00:17:30,357
Oh! Will you, for God's sake,
turn that thing off?
253
00:17:30,407 --> 00:17:33,046
lt's driving me round the bloody bend!
254
00:17:37,607 --> 00:17:43,045
l am giving this straight to the Scouts
for their jumble tonight.
255
00:17:44,087 --> 00:17:46,237
lt gives me the creeps.
256
00:17:46,287 --> 00:17:48,881
Take my coat upstairs
while l put the potatoes on.
257
00:18:02,727 --> 00:18:05,036
(Phone)
258
00:18:06,927 --> 00:18:08,565
4291?
259
00:18:08,607 --> 00:18:10,757
- (Man ) Mr Meldrew?
- Speaking.
260
00:18:10,807 --> 00:18:14,925
Good evening. You don't know me,
Mr Meldrew. My name's Jack.
261
00:18:14,967 --> 00:18:19,358
l'm one of the people who burgled
your house a couple of weeks ago.
262
00:18:21,847 --> 00:18:23,838
l beg your pardon?
263
00:18:23,887 --> 00:18:28,085
l was wondering if you could just help us
out on a couple of points.
264
00:18:28,127 --> 00:18:31,005
You remember
we half-inched a video of yours?
265
00:18:31,047 --> 00:18:33,515
One of them Hitachi long-play models.
266
00:18:33,567 --> 00:18:36,286
lt's very good and everything,
don't get me wrong,
267
00:18:36,327 --> 00:18:39,478
it records great,
smashing picture and everything.
268
00:18:39,527 --> 00:18:43,884
Only we're having a bit of trouble
working out the 14-day timer.
269
00:18:45,527 --> 00:18:50,396
l wondered if you've still got
the manual to hand at all.
270
00:18:50,447 --> 00:18:52,438
Still got the manual?
271
00:18:52,487 --> 00:18:55,047
We can't make head nor tail of it this end.
272
00:18:55,087 --> 00:18:59,126
As you appreciate, we're out most nights
breaking and entering.
273
00:18:59,167 --> 00:19:01,635
And we don't like to miss
Home And Away.
274
00:19:01,687 --> 00:19:05,839
You don't like to miss Home And Away?
What the bloody hell do you think l am?
275
00:19:05,887 --> 00:19:10,199
You steal my vi... How are you getting on
with our three-piece suite, all right?
276
00:19:10,247 --> 00:19:14,001
Send the cushion covers over and
we'll put them through the wash for you!
277
00:19:14,047 --> 00:19:16,038
There's no need to take that attitude.
278
00:19:16,087 --> 00:19:19,682
l'll take what bloody attitude l like
and you can just sod off!
279
00:19:19,727 --> 00:19:22,116
Hello? Hello?
280
00:19:29,407 --> 00:19:32,717
You callous, cold-hearted
thieving bastards!
281
00:19:32,767 --> 00:19:35,406
l'll show you a couple of points!
282
00:19:35,447 --> 00:19:38,644
l'll have you straight up to this point
when l see you.
283
00:19:38,687 --> 00:19:42,999
l'll bloody well tear your liver out
and feed it to the cat, you see if l don't!
284
00:19:45,567 --> 00:19:47,797
Ah, good evening. Mr and Mrs Tildsley?
285
00:19:47,847 --> 00:19:49,644
Ah, yes.
286
00:19:49,687 --> 00:19:53,157
No, l'm sorry,
l think we've got the wrong address.
287
00:19:57,487 --> 00:19:59,682
(Car engine starts)
288
00:20:02,287 --> 00:20:08,044
And from what l heard, the hospital
fitted him with a completely new one.
289
00:20:08,087 --> 00:20:10,806
And now he can play snooker with it.
290
00:20:15,127 --> 00:20:16,719
Sorry?
291
00:20:16,767 --> 00:20:21,522
Oh, no. We got rid of that last week.
Didn't l tell you?
292
00:20:21,567 --> 00:20:23,842
l gave it to the Scouts for their jumble.
293
00:20:23,887 --> 00:20:25,684
And since then, touch wood,
294
00:20:25,727 --> 00:20:30,084
we haven't had any bad luck of any kind
whatsoever. Quite the reverse, in fact.
295
00:20:30,127 --> 00:20:32,402
We had a note through the door
this morning
296
00:20:32,447 --> 00:20:37,123
saying we'd won third prize in the
women's Bright Hour monthly lottery.
297
00:20:37,167 --> 00:20:40,876
Yes, Victor's popped round there now
to pick it up.
298
00:20:40,927 --> 00:20:42,918
Yes, l hope so.
299
00:20:42,967 --> 00:20:45,959
Right, l'll talk to you tomorrow, Mum. OK.
300
00:20:46,007 --> 00:20:47,486
Bye-bye.
301
00:20:52,847 --> 00:20:55,566
Well, what was it? Anything nice?
302
00:21:01,287 --> 00:21:02,800
Oh, you're joking?
303
00:21:02,847 --> 00:21:06,886
l swear, that grin in Mrs Tibbins'
TV aerial got bigger
304
00:21:06,927 --> 00:21:08,918
when it saw me coming back.
305
00:21:08,967 --> 00:21:12,755
Now we know where they get
their crappy lottery prizes from.
306
00:21:12,807 --> 00:21:15,526
The bloody thing's bewitched.
307
00:21:15,567 --> 00:21:20,402
Well, do anything, but just get rid of it
before we have any more bad luck.
308
00:21:31,007 --> 00:21:32,918
What is it?
309
00:21:34,487 --> 00:21:36,478
What is it?
310
00:21:37,247 --> 00:21:39,317
We're too late.
311
00:21:56,727 --> 00:21:59,082
''Couldn't get a reply round the front,
312
00:21:59,127 --> 00:22:01,516
''so thought it safest to leave here.
313
00:22:02,687 --> 00:22:04,723
''Hope that's OK.''
314
00:22:04,767 --> 00:22:08,919
l was in the bath. l thought it was those
Jehovah's Witnesses come back again.
315
00:22:11,487 --> 00:22:14,126
(Cow moos)
316
00:22:18,247 --> 00:22:20,238
''Dear Mrs Medleroo,
317
00:22:20,967 --> 00:22:24,596
''Thank you for your letter
requesting lot 362,
318
00:22:24,647 --> 00:22:27,161
''the despatch of which
we are now authorising.
319
00:22:27,207 --> 00:22:30,995
''We will notify you of the proceeds
of the remainder in due course.''
320
00:22:33,287 --> 00:22:35,403
Well, l didn't imagine it.
321
00:22:35,447 --> 00:22:37,438
lt said ''cot''.
322
00:22:37,487 --> 00:22:43,084
You saw the list as well.
''One cot, back leg slightly damaged.''
323
00:22:44,367 --> 00:22:48,599
Brilliant. Absolutely brilliant.
324
00:22:51,967 --> 00:22:56,358
l wonder what ''China basin''
was a misprint for? Chinese bison?
325
00:22:57,727 --> 00:23:03,518
l think this puts my little blunder with the
taxi into perspective, wouldn't you say?
326
00:23:03,567 --> 00:23:07,162
l mean, it only takes
a bit of common sense.
327
00:23:07,207 --> 00:23:10,677
What did they think we'd want
this bloody cow for in the first place?
328
00:23:10,727 --> 00:23:13,878
To start up our own dairy
in the potting shed?
329
00:23:15,527 --> 00:23:17,597
We can't keep it here.
330
00:23:17,647 --> 00:23:19,478
Of course not.
331
00:23:19,527 --> 00:23:22,803
l'll just slip it into the freezer
with the beefburgers.
332
00:23:25,527 --> 00:23:30,442
- You stay here and keep her talking.
- Victor, it won't eat me, will it?
333
00:23:30,487 --> 00:23:33,160
Victor? Victor!
334
00:23:38,887 --> 00:23:43,039
Evening, Mr Meldrew.
You left your front door open.
335
00:23:43,087 --> 00:23:45,043
You want to be careful of that,
336
00:23:45,087 --> 00:23:48,284
there's a lot of nasty people about
these days.
337
00:23:48,327 --> 00:23:51,080
So, how's everything with you this week,
all right?
338
00:23:51,127 --> 00:23:55,996
- No, we've got a cow in the garden...
- Oh, fancy. This mine here, is it?
339
00:23:56,047 --> 00:23:59,926
- ..by any stretch of the imagination!
- l'll help myself, shall l?
340
00:23:59,967 --> 00:24:03,516
L4.20. That's lovely.
341
00:24:03,567 --> 00:24:05,956
And there's your ones for next week.
342
00:24:06,967 --> 00:24:09,606
Ooh!
343
00:24:09,647 --> 00:24:11,524
That's nice.
344
00:24:12,527 --> 00:24:15,246
Never seen anything like that before.
345
00:24:15,287 --> 00:24:17,005
lt's very unusual.
346
00:24:17,047 --> 00:24:20,835
- Right, you can have it. lt's yours. Hello!
- Oh, are you sure, Mr Meldrew?
347
00:24:20,887 --> 00:24:24,277
What is it?
Some kind of paperweight, is it?
348
00:24:24,327 --> 00:24:28,081
- lt's very heavy.
- No, it's an evil talisman actually,
349
00:24:28,127 --> 00:24:33,076
- that brings bad luck and misfortune...
- That's ever so kind of you.
350
00:24:33,127 --> 00:24:36,722
l might give it to my son -
he loves anything like that.
351
00:24:36,767 --> 00:24:40,362
See you same time next week then.
Bye, Mr Meldrew!
352
00:24:40,407 --> 00:24:44,525
Goodbye, Mrs Skimpson.
May God have mercy on your soul.
353
00:24:46,047 --> 00:24:49,005
Hello?
ls that Danziger, Prosser & Kemp?
354
00:25:33,247 --> 00:25:38,002
No. lf you think of some of the rabbit
hutches we've seen, it's very spacious.
355
00:25:38,047 --> 00:25:40,515
And you've got the south-facing
front window,
356
00:25:40,567 --> 00:25:43,525
which is a real suntrap in the summer,
isn't it?
357
00:25:43,567 --> 00:25:44,966
lt certainly is, yeah.
358
00:25:45,007 --> 00:25:48,602
And the outlook, well,
we've always really loved it.
359
00:25:48,647 --> 00:25:51,764
And you've got the curtains in here,
as well as upstairs,
360
00:25:51,807 --> 00:25:53,877
which are only a year old, aren't they?
361
00:25:53,927 --> 00:25:55,565
(Cow moos)
362
00:25:55,607 --> 00:25:57,404
(Glass breaks)
363
00:26:04,847 --> 00:26:06,997
And, um...
364
00:26:07,047 --> 00:26:10,835
we've got the mad cow
in the conservatory.
365
00:26:33,447 --> 00:26:36,598
What happened?
ls it Mrs Skimpson? What happened?
366
00:26:36,647 --> 00:26:38,444
Mugger, apparently.
367
00:26:38,487 --> 00:26:43,038
Young bloke with a flick knife jumped
out in front of her in the alley.
368
00:26:46,127 --> 00:26:48,357
Oh, God.
369
00:26:48,407 --> 00:26:52,161
She'd only just been round at our house,
not long before.
370
00:26:53,407 --> 00:26:55,398
And l gave her that scorpion.
371
00:26:57,047 --> 00:26:59,800
l know. That's luck for you.
372
00:27:01,727 --> 00:27:02,876
Yes.
373
00:27:02,927 --> 00:27:06,158
God knows what she'd have done
without it, eh, Mrs Skimpson?
374
00:27:07,207 --> 00:27:09,437
l know!
375
00:27:10,247 --> 00:27:14,035
lt was the first thing that came to hand.
376
00:27:14,087 --> 00:27:16,237
And l didn't even think about it.
377
00:27:16,287 --> 00:27:19,359
l just lashed out - wallop!
378
00:27:20,727 --> 00:27:24,766
l'm afraid l caught him hard
on the right temple.
379
00:27:24,807 --> 00:27:27,196
And he went out like a light. Pow!
380
00:27:28,687 --> 00:27:32,475
Deadly weapon this, Mr Meldrew,
in the wrong hands.
381
00:27:33,487 --> 00:27:35,000
Oh, right.
382
00:27:37,247 --> 00:27:41,320
Makes you wonder. Must be someone
up there looking after us.
383
00:27:41,367 --> 00:27:45,076
- Do you reckon, Mr Meldrew?
- Yes.
384
00:27:51,127 --> 00:27:53,118
Well, some of us.
385
00:28:05,567 --> 00:28:09,242
# They say l might as well face the truth
386
00:28:09,287 --> 00:28:12,324
# That l am just too long in the tooth
387
00:28:12,367 --> 00:28:15,723
# l've started to deteriorate
388
00:28:15,767 --> 00:28:19,316
# And now l've passed
my own sell-by date
389
00:28:19,367 --> 00:28:23,155
# Oh, l am no spring chicken, it's true
390
00:28:23,207 --> 00:28:26,643
# l have to pop my teeth in to chew
391
00:28:26,687 --> 00:28:30,157
# And my old knees
have started to knock
392
00:28:30,207 --> 00:28:33,517
# l've just got too many miles
on the clock
393
00:28:33,567 --> 00:28:37,242
# So l'm a wrinkly, crinkly, set in my ways
394
00:28:37,287 --> 00:28:41,166
# lt's true that my body
has seen better days
395
00:28:41,207 --> 00:28:45,200
# But give me half a chance
and l can still misbehave
396
00:28:45,247 --> 00:28:47,078
# One foot in the grave
397
00:28:48,207 --> 00:28:50,675
# One foot in the grave
398
00:28:51,727 --> 00:28:54,878
# One foot in the grave #